Prime Big Deal days is coming October 8th and 9th, which can
lead to involuntary deal squeals like the infamous deal on a new.
Massager squeal save big on prime big deal days October 8th
and 9th. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea With Me podcast. With me, she and Todd, I've got
a green screen in the background in the edit of this podcast.
I'm going to try and put something in, but I don't know
if it's going to work. And also, if you're watching the
video version of the podcast, which you know, why would you
not? You know, I've got that 90s boy
band hair. And if that doesn't take you
enough, I'll be honest, I'm wearing a grey T-shirt.
I don't know if that is enough for you.
I don't know what is, but I'll try and do some sort of green
screen background, but I'll probably not be able to and I'll
probably just leave it as a green screen.
Zippers welcome. It's the Wednesday episode of
the Tea With Me podcast with me, the young father, she and Todd
and things are things are going good guys.
I'll be honest, a little bit sleep deprived, still emotional
and anything that happens. You know, quite recently I heard
that song on the radio Another Day in Paradise, which was
originally Phil Collins song, but I heard the Brandy and Ray J
version. It's just another day for you
and me and parents. And when I heard it, I
remembered the Brandy and Ray J are brother and sister.
And I just thought that was a real nice thing that Brandy did
for Ray J because the thing at that time, Ray J wasn't really
well known. You know, he would that he would
he would go on to sex Kim Kardashian.
But at this point, you know, enough in that video, which I,
which I actually haven't seen, but not because, you know, I
just, I just, it's just not, you know, I think when you, you
know, feel like a no Ray J certainly.
So, I mean, I never met him. But the point is I haven't seen.
That's irrelevant. What I'm saying is I got
emotional because I remember thinking Brandy was a big star
at the time because she was in Malaysia and she had brought Ray
J and her brother to do this song and she didn't need to do
that. She could have done it by
herself. And that made me emotional.
So that's kind of where we are in life.
You know, we're having a good time.
We're doing the tea with Me podcast.
I hope everybody is sitting down with their tea, enjoying
themselves. And also, this is hashtag not an
ad. You guys know that I've been
sampling different different tea bags.
You know, I've been on my knees. I've been taking various bags in
my throat and and then trying tea.
And yeah. And listen, if you missed last
week's episode, I have been saying, you know, post lockdown
you're going to made a different kind of bitch.
You know, I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind.
And also what's really annoying, I'd say for the viewers and me
is the camera here has a wee viewfinder pulled out.
And I keep looking at the viewfinder instead of the
camera. So it makes it look like either
I have a lazy eye or the camera's not centred and that's
annoying me. But I'm drinking the Barry's tea
gold now. I had the.
Red Barry's tea, which is just like Barry's.
But the the green 1 is like the original and someone told me
about it and I haven't looked back since and and I just bought
some from my neighbours. So what do you think about that?
What a very bad thing to do. Just buy tea bags for other
people for no reason, you know. But it's it's a very good time.
And also I kind of have a date for stand up coming back as in I
know when it's going to be not like I've asked some guy to go
to the gig with me because I'll be weird because I'm a straight
married guy, but well married. And then, and that's great.
I mean, I don't know if the date is like set in stone, so I'm not
going to announce it yet. But all I'll say is I'll be.
Very excited and nervous if that happens, but I think the return
to stand up, the venue I'm going to do it in, I think will be the
best venue for socially distant stand up.
It's a great venue anyway, but it's probably best set up for
this kind of thing. So they're going to be great
shows and I'll announce the the shows as soon as possible.
Probably I'll announce them on Patreon first of all.
So if you're part of the Patreon community, if you make a a small
donation to support the podcast on patreonitspatreon.com/tea
with me podcast, there's a little plug for it.
You get a bonus podcast every Monday.
Me and producer Dan do like a feature length.
How far, 45 minute or long podcast?
And there's loads of other stuff.
There's merchandise giveaways, there's going to be ticket
giveaways. The light is changing outside
and that's affecting the camera. And this is a really shitty
camera that I bought for £180 and I regret it, but it's
patreon.com/tea with Me podcast and that's just the way it is.
My Waterfront Hall show is up on there as well in its entirety.
That's the only place you can get a Patreon.
So patreon.com/tea with Me podcast and at the end of this
pod. Give a shout out.
To all the Patreons, all the lovely people.
This is annoying because the sun has got stronger and it's coming
across my chest like blinds, but I don't think I have the
willpower. Or or the.
Faith to get up and close the blinds and that's just something
that we're going to have to deal with.
We have a sponsor, we have a sponsor.
We absolutely have a sponsor on Tea With Me, which I love, and
it's manscaped. We couldn't ask for a better
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Your girlfriend, boyfriend are going to love it.
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You're going to love it to the point where you actively go to
your. Parents house, even if it's like
you're doing a shielding thing and you're just in the garden,
you're going to be wearing a mask, gloves, but you're going
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manscape.com tea with me pod now on with the.
Podcast, we have a lot to talk about this week.
I say that every week, but I mean it.
We've got a lot to talk about. I've got listeners quit.
I've got loads of listeners questions.
We're going to, we're going to review something.
We're going to do bad reviews. But then what?
What's weird is people really been enjoying for some reason,
the videos I've been putting up where I fell in the long one
afternoon when I was out for a walk with my wife when she was
heavily pregnant. Imagine the reality of this,
right? It's cruel in a way.
My wife just wanted to go for a walk.
I was like, let's go for a nice walk.
And then I was like, hey, action become Quentin Tarantino, start
directing, become Martin Scorsese, become Steven
Spielberg, start shooting basically.
So she had to hold the camera while I sang local TV and radio
jingles in like a singer-songwriter style.
And what's unbelievable is people absolutely go nuts for
it, which is great, but slighted people like those videos more
than a lot of my stand up videos and other things.
Disrespectful, but they're funny because.
I I. Can vaguely sing right, but I
could never be a singer and I'm not saying that like, you know,
humble brag, genuinely, I can't really sing but like from a
distance or whatever you might go, he's fine.
I could be in. I could be in the back.
I could be in a. 90s boy band like one of the guys who doesn't
really seem like Keith Duffy had a boy zone 100% by the way, he
has great eyes. No, what's funny is 1 in every
100 people will comment in those videos and say like.
This isn't very good. And they mean it.
And. That makes me aroused, very
aroused. I absolutely love that.
But it's funny and people, people go nuts for Condoleezza
Moy, people like we need to hear you want to be a Condoleezza Moy
and all I'll say is good things come to those who wait.
Guys, sip, sip. It's very rare my tea is
actually roasting for the start of the podcast because by the
time Mummy sorts herself out, her tea is usually cold and she
drinks it. Pretend that it's warm, but
usually during the podcast it's cold, so people are enjoying
that. Although here's a real fuck
that. That light is really doing my
head in. Should I get up and sort it?
Should I get up? And yeah, I'm going to get up
and sort it. And this is all going in the
pod, by the way. Don't you worry about it.
This is all going in the pod, gonna have to take my
headphones. Out and it's all good.
It's all good. Producer Dan will hit this.
Yeah, Producer Dan absolutely hits it and point me to turn the
light on. I'm not going to look bad on
camera. And we're back and producer Dan
hits this and it's all good and manscaped.
They're going to end their association with the pod and
also you can see that. There's a little.
Pile of my clothes beside me on the sofa in my spare room where
I do the pod. And I should have moved those.
There we go. That's us back, guys.
Welcome back. Should have moved.
To be fair. You've seen you've seen these
clothes. Anyway.
Yeah, that's us, guys. We're we're good to go.
We're good to go. And I want to apologise.
I don't know. I'm safe.
Deprived producer Dan is going to whip me for this.
Everybody knows that. There's a hashtag.
Free Shane Appeal. A bit like free Britney Spears.
He's like Britney Spears, Dad. He controls me.
He controls my finances, he controls when I sleep and it and
it needs to stop. But look, I'm just doing my
best. I'm just drinking the tea and
having a good time. I put one of those singer videos
up singing like one the one but buttercream, I think it was in
Yuri make it buttercream for the young and old and and they're
fun because they're the stupidest things I've ever done
and this but this is stupid, right?
This guy wrote totally innocuous, right?
This guy writes under the video something like something like
very good. He's like, you've lost weight,
though. And then I basically like, I
literally haven't like overlocked on like I honestly
haven't. And then there's this other guy
ruled under it saying. And again, he's probably like
somebody who likes the stuff, you know, And he, I don't think
he was trying to be a deck or anything, but he wrote like,
yeah, he's like, you look very thin.
And nothing, like genuinely, nothing on social media ever
really gets me to bite. Like, and I'm not, those
comments weren't even trying to get me to bite.
You know, it was very, very innocuous kind of throwaway
comments. And, and look, I threw myself
open to being slagged about absolutely anything.
So nothing should annoy me. But for some reason, a genuine
thing it is because of the lack of sleep, because of having a
newborn, you know, you kind of sleep for like 2 hours here, 2
hours there. And I mean, I'm only getting
like 20 hours a day of sleep at the minute, which is killing me
because, you know, you guys know I'm just 20.
Three. But what if I just slept?
23 hours a day, work for one hour a day, but really intense.
But I don't know why, but comments and I look thin really
just like not not offended me obviously, but kind of like got
me a little bit sad and and then I was kind of.
Sad because I was sad. You know, I was like, oh,
Europe's. I mean, I don't have a split
personality, but it was kind of like, it's upset.
It's upsetting that I'm upset. And then and then I just
thought, you know what, I'm actually, I don't know what I'm
getting annoyed at because and this is the way my brain was
working, right? I was like, no, do you know
what? I'm wearing an oversized jumper
in that video. So it just looks like I'm not
filling it out. And then I put a photo up of me
with my shirt off. And that is the sort of thing if
one of my friends told me that, I would be like, why on earth
did you do that? Now I put the photo in my shirt
off for a little bit of a laugh, but at the same time there was a
little bit of me being like, actually I'm very proud of my
shape at the minute. I'm throwing this up there and
then that could be cringe and a lot of on a lot of different
levels. And I still don't know why it
offended me because the guys weren't being sly or they
weren't being rude or anything like that.
We're just probably just like messing about.
But but it's it's weird that it kinda affected me for about an
hour or two. And then that's why since the
MPC, I've been taking care. Yeah, I'm just fully on the
steroids now and, you know, trying to get up to 20 stone.
But I don't know why I felt. Compelled to share that.
But then that's just what you get sometimes on the on the
newborn like a sleep podcast, you just get some honesty.
And honestly, I know that I'm looking fabulous at the minute
and. Despite a guy, he's not getting
much sleep and definitely needs to get these Barber Mikey, but
can't because Mikey works out of Bangor.
That's a little bit too far for me to go.
Just at the minute, because I've got to help out in the house
because I have a baby, I'm looking good.
I'm looking good. I mean I'm not looking good but
all things. Considered I'm looking good.
And that's the main thing. And we're the zippers and we're
feeling good and we're just drinking tea.
That's all it is. And then I was done for a little
little minute and then I had a cup of tea and I was like, I'm
feeling good. And I went out and did a workout
and I felt good. And if anybody calls me then
again, I will be deleting every social media going to have.
I'm only joking. I am.
I am obviously like a slim guy, slim, shiny.
But then I don't know. I think I am quite I was going
to say like conscious over my looks.
That will come as that will come as news to no one, right,
because I can be a little bit of a vein guy, But but I think
that's mainly because, you know, not the at this point, Coldplay
would play behind me, but whenever I got diagnosed with
Crohn's disease. I I was a slim guy and then I
lost a lot of weight and I was like a skeleton guy and it
wasn't a good look because my hair was like this.
And I was like a skeleton and I thought, you know, be really
cool, even though I'm like 8 1/2 stone at the minute.
If I just like wore my hair to the other side.
And I genuinely did that. And maybe I'll post a photo of
that. I mean, I think it is still on
my Instagram and yeah, I look like a dead guy and I'm not, not
the look you kind of want to go for.
So I think since then I've been pretty like I, I am a little bit
being like a lot of people are like I definitely will look in a
reflective surface if I pass it, but I'm only sort of, I'm not
looking to just appreciate myself.
I'm looking to be like. On the but yeah, I've got like a
wee boogie or like something in my teeth or my hair is not
sitting right. So there is a little bit of
family. But what I want you guys to know
is I'm feeling good right now and sometimes we need to just
take a little bit of US time and that's what I needed to do in
that R and now I'm back to just being a being bitch and it's a
good time. So I'm buzzing about the idea of
stand up coming back, you know, with the pod.
I think we're looking to get into the studio from next week.
Next week the radio shows coming back on BBC Radio Ulster and I I
said last week on the podcast, these pods have been a little
bit rambly and like a bit of a just.
Stream of consciousness and, and, and that is true.
That's what they've been. I've actually really enjoyed
doing them and. I hope you guys.
Find them interesting whenever I can to, you know, open my brain
up and just. Let you have a little peek
inside, but that I did do this thing earlier where my manager
Joe got me to send them like a brief.
Biography of myself for this thing project that we're doing.
And then I had to like, I hate doing that kind of thing.
I don't like like everybody likes Prius obviously, but I
hate it when you have to like list your.
Achievements and write it in third person like you didn't
write it like. I was tempted to write it and
just be like, this is me writing this by the way, because you got
to write like. She and supported Bill Burr on
his Irish tour. You know you have to go She and
has a BBCTV show she and she and is nothing.
He is muscular. My dad just did one because it
was for a comedy project. Imagine like one line was just
about my comedy and the rest was like she and actually can do a
serious and my depressed up some one minute and and surprisingly
for a guy of his size, very, very strong.
And then I just wrote down on the PBS.
But for the. Thing, and this is maybe like a
Northern Ireland thing. Where I think we don't like to
big ourselves up. We like to blow things up, but
we don't really like to big ourselves up.
But I did and I had to. I had the right time.
Like all the things that I've done with TV and radio and live
stand up. And I had a real moment where I
was like, again, just emotional newborn father guy.
And at a moment where I was like.
This is all good stuff. Like I'm I'm not really a
reflective person. Like I used to set yearly goals
and all that kind of thing and I just don't do that anymore.
I just think now if I work as hard as possible.
And and make. The right decisions then
everything will work out. But I really like looked at what
I'd written and I was like, I've actually had a really good.
Career, you know, all things considered, being a guy.
That does a. I was going to say a strange
profession, but definitely out of the ordinary profession in a
small country to have done. The things that I've done and
look, I've done a lot of shit to, there's no doubt about that.
But yeah, I was, I was really proud of myself in in that
moment. And then I went back to being
like, you're a failure, you know, you'll never make it.
And then I saw myself in the maroon.
I was like, but don't worry about it because you're a sexy
big bastard, you muscular hunk. But it was nice.
Just have a moment. I was like, yeah.
This is this is good crack. And then I feel like all these
podcasts are me just saying I can't wait to get back to stand
up. But.
I mean, I mean, I've relentlessly.
Been working on new material since lockdown started because
why the fuck wouldn't you? If you're a stand up, you know
this is the time to do all the. As many things.
As possible that you said you were going to do before.
You know what? I'm aware everyone's situation
is different. And like, obviously since we've
had the baby, things have slowed down temporarily a bit for me
because and everyone will have stuff going on where they can't
just be working all the time. But like guys, we've, we've had
about four or five months. You know, you should be rattling
stuff out, especially stand up material.
And I'm really, really excited to see, I'm really excited to do
new material after this and just to see all my friends new bits
because. There's nothing gets me excited
then friends of yours to do stand up, going up to try new
bits because it's funny if it works.
And if it doesn't work, it's also funny, you know, if someone
bombs with new material they think is good.
And it's also funny when it happens to me and I can
appreciate when I'm on stage in a bit doesn't work because you
can see your friends faces in the back on Ah, you Dick.
So, so yeah, buzzing the back to it.
Then I'm back to football training as well, which is which
is great. Like it feels like normality is
kind of coming back a little bit and, and well, it was coming
back a bit. And I'm in this like baby
cocoon, which is a lovely imagery of being in a baby
cocoon. So it'll be a while before I'm
back to, to more normal things. But it's, it's been a great,
it's been a great couple of weeks.
It's been really, really fun. And, and yeah, it's class Do I
don't, I don't really know how to describe it.
And I don't think I want to spend too much time talking
about obviously last week's episode was a lot about the
baby. And thanks very much to
everybody who sent a message saying congratulations and and
all that kind of thing. Every, everyone here is doing
good. So cheers.
Now let's do what we do. Let me have another step because
that is what I do. Oh, yeah.
So what we do is on the podcast,
we look at TripAdvisor reviews, but we look at the real negative
reviews for a bit of a laugh. My laptop is so hot and it's
really uncomfortable that it's on my knee.
But I'm going to persevere. So what we do is we.
Oh my God, look at that light. That's better.
Yeah, we look at really bad TripAdvisor reviews for places
in Northern Ireland and go through the worst ones, but a
couple of people have. Said to me no.
What you need to be doing is looking at the Amazon reviews
for Haribo sweets. Sugar free Haribo sweets I mean.
Why is that getting this many reviews?
I'm not sure, I haven't looked at these beforehand, but let's
get into it and let's see what people are saying about sugar
free Haribo sweets. Nicole Boley writes one one star
review and this is bear in mind, this is for Haribo Sugar Free
Sweets. The title of this is not good.
It's not good. The title is Diarrhoea while
driving. No diarrhoea.
Definitely not a good thing. Certainly not a good thing
whilst driving. You know for sure, and this
person in the United States and they've written a massive.
Review They say one of our beloved physicians brought a bag
of gummy bears to work to share with the staff on on night
shift. A lovely thing to do.
Love it when someone brings a treats in and brings enough for
others because look at you coming in.
Yet. I hope you have enough to share.
Not realising they were the famous dreaded sugar free
gummies, multiple staff threw out the shift, grabbed the
handful while passing by and each have their own near miss
stories. But this is mine.
Why are people saying that this is making them go to the toilet
the next morning? I had to run an errand about an
hour and a half from my house. Sounds like they're dumping a
body. On the drive home, a curvy
Backcountry Rd, my stomach suddenly begins to cramp and I
feel the immediate urge to empty my balls.
Frantic as I realised I'm not going to make it home, I start
searching for. A place to pull over, Sheila.
When you pull a car over Sheila, Sheila, pull over.
Sheila, pull over, Sheila, pull over.
I can't. There's no hard shoulder.
Fucking pull over, Sheila. The end of a gated logging Rd
perhaps? I'm speeding along, arching my
back, practising lamas, breathing techniques, anything
to stall the inevitable. I pass the first turn off that
has a sheriff's car. Parked at the end.
And keep searching with sweat pouring down my forehead.
I'm bubbling noises in my guts, the drone out, heavy metal on
the stereo, my bottles cramped up and expelled every drop of
liquid from my body at that point.
I'm now standing there with leggings full of hot liquid
stool, running into my shoes and debating what the next.
Best course of action should be, I mean, what it shouldn't be is
a night out. You know, if that's something
you were thinking of. Of course, I had no extra
clothes or tiles in my truck. I didn't know what to do.
After a few moments of self reflection, I decided to strip
off my. Shirt.
And lay them lay it on the seat of my truck and get inside.
It was rather uncomfortable drive home with the windows all
down and skin burning on the backs of my legs and buttocks.
It was the longest 20 minutes of time I've ever experienced.
I alternated between crying and laughing at the situation and
checking the speedometer. The tears streamed on my face.
I arrived home screeching to a halt.
I trick. Fast forward 3 weeks and I'm at
work hearing about the other incidents and a light bulb
clicks on 35 years old. I had to reset the clock.
For how long since you've last? Crapped your pants?
Lesson learned. Make sure the gummy bears are
not the sugar free version. I mean, and then, then this guy
called Sebastian writes one star review.
I weighed 189 lbs before I had these.
I'm now a skeleton. I mean, that's maybe where I've
gone wrong. That's me why I've lost a little
bit of weight. Is the fact that I might have
just eaten some sugar free haribo?
I mean, this could have been started by like a rival sweet.
Company OK, let me see everyone just saying they're they
shitted. They shitted.
I got some of these in my stocking for Christmas.
I guess something hates me. It hurt.
I just got over the flu, now this.
I didn't realise it was the gummies, but after coming across
a meme online, 3:00 is way too many.
Way too many. Oh my God.
Joshua will do Want one or two more because some people don't
like it when you talk about poo, and I'm one of those people.
Joshua says eat if you dare. One star review.
I sit here writing this review at 4:00 AM from my porcelain
throne. A.
Fixture you will become all too familiar with if you choose to
eat these little cute bears from the pits of hell.
I had to eat a point of these little bastards after Man City
must have. Thought they were playing
American. Football the other week and lost
to a team of Arsenal scrubs. They were a bit chewy, but
overall appeared to be nothing more than your average gummy
bears. After about two hours, with a
little more than some mild stomach crumps, feeling like one
would expect from eating a pint of candy, I began to wonder if
I'd eaten some duds. Like a slow buildup of a Martin
Scorsese film, Whoever those bears were waiting for their
baptism scene to destroy my insides.
It started with cramping, very akin to doing 1000 crunches and
then being forced to hold on to the hundred, 1000 and First
crunch indefinitely. Then came the initial run, which
opened the proverbial floodgates.
I'm over 30 and I'm beginning to wonder if these bears know know
that I want to send me back to the can for each year I've been
on this earth. In between gastrointestinal
bites of pressure washing the back of the inside the inside of
my toilet from my anus, I lay in bed feeling as if someone were
to punch me in the stomach. I'd explode.
To give you an idea, I'd spend $50 ordering UFC pay-per-view,
only willing to miss the last two or three fights of the main
card. I didn't stray too far from my
master bathroom thankfully for me and my marriage.
Fearing what might be coming, I convinced my wife to spend the
evening under her sister in law's because trust me fellas,
nothing will be gained from your significant other experiencing
with this with you. I'm no longer in pain but I'm
still having to make trips to my master bath on a regular basis.
80s if you dare, but be forewarned they are not to be
trifled with unless you want your toilet to be stage and
ground for repeat faecal rehearsals of the Red Wedding
from Game of Thrones. Wow, why is this such a thing?
Harry, Bow. Sugar free, Yeah, people are,
absolutely. Killing, I mean.
That's that's not a good price to pay just to have the sugar
free version of it. Wow.
I. I enjoyed that and I've also
enjoyed the fact that the light has changed 9000 times since we
since we've been making this podcast.
But I think that's OK. So I want to get into listeners
questions. That's what I want to do because
a lot of people have been getting in touch and we'll kick
it off with Twitter. Let's see who's here.
Terry Charlton kicks it off and says what happens if she and
Junior is a Liverpool fan and. This is a This is a thing I've
been thinking about recently. Do I?
Push. Onto my son, what football team
to support based on who his dad supports being a Man United fan.
And the answer is yes, I think you do do that.
My dad supports Man, I supported Man United.
My grandda wasn't a big football fan but kind of supported Man
United and my boy hopefully will support Man United.
It's a good time to be a Man United fan.
I'm not going to spend too long talking about football, but it's
a good time to be a United fan. It was considering calling him
Bruno Fernandez or Odion A Gallo, but we'll wait and see.
I will say this, he already has a kit that he that he wears
every time on United play. So I am influencing, I am
influencing him from an early age.
This T is called my. I don't.
Fox would call T Everybody knows that.
Cheers for that, Terry. We also have questions from
Patrick Neal who says if the money toad was wrongly put in
the Magaberry, how would you convince the officers that you
were innocent? Also Congrats on the baby.
Thanks, Patrick. And if I was wrongly put in
Magaberry, how would I tell them I was innocent and.
I. Don't.
I don't know. What what I would, what I would
kind of do is maybe like become a bit of an annoying guy in
there. Like not any actual trouble, but
I think I'd always ask the time. This is the way I think you
could get out of gaol. It's a life act.
If you're in gaol and you want to get released, no questions
asked, just keep asking for the time and everyone will start
telling it and then they'll be going mate, you just asked me
for the we're in gaol. Like why do you need no time?
Go Oh no reason. What time is there event, even
if especially if you ask the prison guards, eventually
they'll go will you fuck up and you'll be like sorry, sorry,
sorry mate, sorry. What time is it there?
Eventually they will just release you.
They'll just release you and be like, we don't want to hear that
question anymore. So I'll probably do that or I
would do I wouldn't I wouldn't get them to release me.
I'll probably do some sort of escape.
I've seen enough films to kind of know how it works.
So I would probably. Mail myself.
But then I mugged myself off because I'd send myself back to
prison somehow. Ryan Davidson.
Is it true you didn't mean to score that goal at sea view?
It was really a cross, Ryan. I put the video up for everybody
to see. You know, there is going to be
doubters, there is going to be haters in life.
But all I will say is. Whenever former Northern.
Ireland international, Southampton player, Premier
League player Jim the Chilton squared the ball to me on the
volley. He knew what was happening.
Jim knew and the way I opened my body up to it, I think every
like because it wasn't a diagonal cross, I wasn't looking
for the back post. It was whipped to goal.
And you can. See that there's nobody making a
run that I would have crossed it to and I left my head up before
it so. Ryan, fuck off and yes, it was a
shot. No, but cheers for the question.
I did mean the score and it still remains the greatest goal
ever scored ever. Imagine I won the puska sword
run. Nice.
David Kelvel Never heard a surname Kelvin, so well done.
Have you ever scored a goal in an Irish League run?
I mean genuinely, those questions do just come one after
the other. I've made that up.
Yes David, I scored at Seaview. I've scored at Seaview, which
was a world class goal past former Northern Ireland
international and Southampton Premier League goalkeeper Alan
Blaney. I loved them because to be fair,
he was. He was 3 inches off his line.
So I've scored there. I've scored a hat trick at
Windsor Park. Genuinely true.
I've scored a hat trick at Stagmore Park where Dungannon
Swiss play. And I think that might.
Be it, haven't scored at the Oval.
So yeah, that's it. If I'm given the opportunity to
play it Irishly grounds, I'll score goals.
Gary says you can get rid of any town in Northern Ireland.
Which time would it be and why Portadon?
I can't actually say Portadon because as much as I've slagged
it off from Goldrick videos in the past, I've I've never really
been, I don't know, put it down well.
So I can't judge it. I mean, that is what Mike
McGoldrick does, just judges things.
But but I don't know, I couldn't say put it down.
I don't want to be disrespectful to the people.
I'd need to go to tell you it. Was a shit hole.
And I haven't been. What time would I get rid of?
There's nowhere really I've been that I as a town where I was
like, I don't know why, why this is here.
I mean, yes, I'll be honest, I have been in Crumlin, like not
Crumlin Rd, like Crumlin the village or the town or whatever
it is. And I was like, why is this here
at this altitude? You know, it feels like a place
that shouldn't be there. It's kind of like in the
mountains. And then you drive through it
near the International Airport and you're like, I don't know
how it is because it's it's near Belfast.
You know what I mean? Like it?
Is part of Belfast kinda but then it's like way up high and
it's just like 1 Main St and I've never been to it before and
I stumbled upon it by mistake and I felt like people didn't
want me to know it was there. So I don't know anymore,
informed Crumlin as a place. I don't know how it got there
or, or what they get up to, but I'd be keen to know.
Charlie, if you had a 500 foot yacht, what would you call it?
I would. Well, here's the thing, if you
live in North Down, you have a 500 foot yacht, you know, that's
called a starter pack and then you move up.
I would call a probably HMS Chancer, you know, because it
would definitely have to be Mike McGoldrick going on it and not
me. But I don't think I'd like a
yacht because I've seen too many disaster films.
I do like We Swim in the Sea, but I wouldn't like to be out
there for that long. Although if I had a 500 feet
yacht, to be fair, probably we live on it like Nile.
Dalton says ideal day trip in Northern Ireland.
If I could go anywhere now post lockdown, because I haven't
really been anywhere far since lockdown, anywhere in Northern
Ireland I would probably go. Let me see.
Probably go up in North Coast, you know, very generic answer,
but you can't really go wrong. If it was a nice day, go up to
the North Coast, have some nice food in Harry Shack or what's
that there? Neptune and Prawn haven't been
there yet, but I would like to go beside.
There are more. Been there more a couple times,
always good, but the one that the other bar they own, I want
to go to that. And then I go to a walk around
Barry's and I get a chippy. I mean, I've eaten a lot of food
in this trip and I'd go go play on the beach and build castles
with my son and my wife, Castles in the sky, Martin Clukas says.
Who's your comedy inspiration? My comedy inspiration?
My comedy inspiration probably isn't.
Like a stand up, like there's obviously stand ups I really
like, but my comedy inspiration is probably probably just that.
By the way, this is a really wanky answer, right?
But probably just the environments I was in whenever I
was younger, like school, like mates in school, like family,
you know, like especially at my granny Peggy's house, because
there was always loads of people in the house.
You know, you have like some people, you have a granny and
loads of family members live in the area because like on my
granny St like. Loads.
Of my family still do live there.
So everybody was all I knew that was like the central place she
went was in the my granny's house.
There could be, you could go. There could be 12 people just
hanging out, drinking tea, smoking fags.
Because it was the 90s, you know.
And that environment was like an inspiration of comedy to me.
When I still think back to the vibe, because it was very much
like, you know, people slagged you.
You slagged them back in a very, very loving way, you know, But
like, if you did something wrong or you know, like you wore the
wrong thing, you got totally wrapped out over.
It and not but like no one. Crossed the line, you know what
I mean? Like that is what I enjoy with
friends and stuff like that. Like Dave, for example on the
mate Stevie or John, whoever I love.
I love being slagged off by friends and slagging them off.
So that that growing up in that environment was a was a big
inspiration and just that kind of like working class humour of
like put down, like creative put downs and quick turns of phrase.
I really like that. And yes, that that idea of if
you if you give it, you have to be able to take it.
So I always, I always like that. I always like that my granny was
was potential. My granny Peggy was potentially
no, not potentially the funniest person think I've ever met, just
in terms of being able to absolutely put you being like
being so loving, like so loving and like and great and like
almost like, you know, like a best friend in a way, but then
also able to just annihilate you in front of anyone and everyone
you know. And even even when she was
really old, even when she was like very ill just able to pull
a phrase out of somewhere and you're like, what her one of her
catch phrases was if you said, and I love this, if you said so
she she grew up New North Rd, New North Road, left school
really early to 2:00. No, at like, you know, 12/13/14
to work in the tobacco factory. And I imagine that was the kind
of environment that she grew up in where like you worked with
all your friends from the street, from the area.
And the crack was probably brilliant.
One of my favourite phrases my granny had was if you said like
if you were bragging about something which, which never
went down well in that time to those, to those people that grew
up in a, in a, in a tough way, you didn't, you didn't brag, you
were modest. You'd gone on with your work.
So they didn't like that. So if you said something like I
just, I got a new job or whatever and you really like
went to town on yourself, my granny would say you could rub
your arse with a broken bottle and you wouldn't get cut.
No, that is so good because it takes you a while to work out
what it means. And then by the time you've done
that, everyone's laughing and you're like, Oh yeah, boy, you
shouldn't have, shouldn't have been begging myself up as much.
So, so in a way, my granny's a big comedy inspiration and so
many people in my family as well, but my granny's just
proper, proper funny. Tell you this quick one went up
to where my granny was kind of like my granny.
Peggy was kind of like Lazarus in a few ways.
Like she would be like very ill, you know, she smoked like 3000 a
day and she like you were never really able to see her.
You'd go into the house, you know, which was, which was a
small house in White City in Hollywood and, and I was there
like 4 days a week, five days a week, whatever.
You just always went down to your granny's.
And it's hard for me to remember what she looks like because
there was always such a, like everyone in the family.
Barney smoked. No, like all, like most aunties
and uncles. My granny smoked, my grandda
smoked. So I don't really know what any
of them looked like because it was always such heavy, because
it was a small house, there was always so much smoke in there
that you never really could see your hand in front of your face.
And I wonder why I have asthma. But what was I What was I saying
there? Oh, I don't even know if I can
remember. Oh, yeah, right.
This is rambly. My, my granny would like, would
get sick, you know, she'd be in hospital.
This, I remember this happened like half a dozen times and I'd
always be told by my dad or, or yeah, my dad, he'd say like,
listen, your granny's not good, just to let you know, not that
you might not make it, but he, you know, he was basically
warning me like the worst could happen here, be prepared for it.
And I remember that happened loads of times.
And then my granny would. And then it's like, oh, your
granny's dead on, you know, just so strong.
And one time my cousin went up to see her.
Or. Did you do this to my dad?
My granny was in the hospital. She had made a bit of a
recovery, but whoever it was in the family didn't know that.
And she said to my Uncle Jim, whenever whoever's coming up to
visit here, when they come in, tell me when they're on their
way and will put a sheet over me and I'll just lie there.
They did that. And whoever it was that walked
in thought that my granny had died on their way up the
hospital. And then they realised that she
wasn't dead by like the shoulders moving under the
shade. And my granny burst out
laughing. And that for me is inspiration.
That's inspiration. And by the way, I've got 1000
stories like that that I could tell and loads that I couldn't.
OK, Karen Stewart says, will you and your boy be doing a stuff
for us flatly in years to come? I mean, I wouldn't rule it out.
I absolutely wouldn't rule it out there.
Those guy father and son that went on Britain's Got Talent and
they're both kind of sorry to say this guys if you're
watching, but here we go, fat and, you know, just two fat
guys. And that, well, the boy was
mainly like poppy fat, you know what I mean?
Like, like, it's fine, but the dad was like old school Greek
kebab fat and then and they just like, danced the boat to
Riverdance on Britain's Got Talent.
That was hilarious and people loved it and they made everybody
happy and feel good, including myself.
So yeah, I think we could do something like that, definitely,
although it would have to be the opposite because I'm a slim guy,
so I'm not going to be able to beef up for the Stavros flatly
thing. So I'm not sure what we could
do, Patrick Quinn says. Big friend of the pod, he says.
Do you plan to carry on the tradition of having a boys
holiday, the Tenerife for your son when he's old enough without
walking in the concrete flower pot?
Really hoping to add some old school dance moves to your
smooth vocals videos. A man of Venice dance.
Thanks for that Patrick. As per Yeah.
So yeah, I have a bit of stand up out where I talk about me and
my dad used to do like an annual Tenerife lads holiday.
And I say lads holiday. It was me and my pensioner dad.
Check it out. It's on YouTube.
It's called stripping with my dad.
I think you'll find it. And then, well, I do an annual
trip to Tenerife. I love the idea of it.
I absolutely love the idea of it.
But we'll see. Who knows what?
Like in that time probably, you know, technology will have moved
on so much that you don't go on holiday, you just put like a
headset on and then you get spray tan.
I don't, I don't know. It's going to, it's not going to
be the same. And Tenerife probably won't be
the hip hop in place. I don't think it ever was the
hip hop in place, but I like to go there, but a lot of people
don't because like, there's not much to do here, but I just like
to sit in the sand and get a time and I hope that's OK.
Yeah, Patrick, let's just say this and I can tell you this
because you're a friend of the pod.
Let me say this So. And yeah, I want to just one
more time apologise for last week.
No one got in touch and he said no, Ballard to be precise.
And he said my boyfriend is a Belfast guy in China, but he's
not the Belfast guy in China. And I said, oh.
That's, that's the Belfast guy in China because I didn't really
read the message and Patrick has changed his username to to not
the Belfast guy in China anymore.
So he maybe had to change it because.
I know it. Is still Belfast guy in China,
but you know, he's just he's rebranded also if Patrick Quinn
and I think that was maybe because there was some sort of
confusion. Patrick, I want to apologise.
I want to apologise. OK, Old school dance moves to go
to my smooth vocal videos. Let's just say mommy has
something up her sleeve. There's a video people have been
asking for. It's common, but let me work on
the production side of it a little bit and we'll leave it
there. Lexi Holiday, the main man says
China teacup or big as a bucket. Somewhere in between, Lexi,
Somewhere in between you yeah, you don't want to go too small
because then you're going to need multiple cups.
Although I do like to get the pinky out and then put my finger
out and I put the big Sports Direct mugs.
I used to frequently drink those when I worked in the call
centre. Because you were bored.
You just drank tea. But I think somewhere in
between. Like what?
I'm. Yeah, perfect.
What I'm drinking, I don't know, is a big cup.
If you're watching the video version of the podcast, it's a
big cup. Look, there it is compared to
the size of my head, although I have pretty big head.
And so somewhere in between because if it's a big Sports
Direct mug, it gets too cold too quick.
And if it's in the small one, you don't get enough tea for
your money. So.
So yeah, some somewhere in between.
But there's no wrong answer. If the tea is good, I'm
stepping. Matthew Merlin says how often
are you accused of plagiarism? Yeah, monthly, maybe once a
month someone will be like here, mate, you stole this from this.
And the answer is always inevitably I I didn't because if
I did, you would know that I have done it if that made sense.
Like I'm putting my video out there to so many people.
When you consider like Instagram, Facebook, YouTube,
I'm not going to like I was doing it.
That being like someone who's been doing this for a long time,
I'm not going to watch something and go, no one's going to have
seen this thing that I'm going to take this from, you know?
Yeah, look, it happens. I put, I know what you're
talking about there. You put, you're talking about I
put in my golden video up and then and some someone wrote
under it. In fact, I'll read it because I
don't want to get it wrong. Yeah, I mean, it is enjoyable.
While I get this up, there was the Lemmy 1.
You know, it's not like I'm not going to talk about it, you
know, because look, yeah, people, people do it like you.
You can do things that are kind of influence.
But then if it's pointed out to you and you're like, actually, I
didn't mean not to be like that, so I'm not going to do that
again. But I did something that people
said. This is very similar to a Lemmy
thing, which was a video of me being like, alright, bro, what
are you at and all. And it cuts between two guys.
And I had seen the Lemmy video beforehand.
So I I had seen the sketches that people were talking about.
So I'm not going to be like, look, I had no idea.
I had seen that where it's two guys talking at a house party
and it cuts back and forth. But the video that I did, I
think on this podcast, before I'd even done that video, I said
me and my wife for a walk and there was 2 fellas on two sides
of the road with nothing to talk about, but they knew each other
and it was the middle of lockdown and one guy, he's like,
alright mate, what are you out and all?
And his mate went just out walking here and all.
And then I was like video, that's a video of two guys with
nothing to say. And it just gets weirder and
weirder. But looking at the Lemmy thing,
similar, yes, in terms of the camera style, the way a cup
between, yes, it was similar. So as a result of that, I'll
either not do it again or just work out a way where you're
going. All right.
It is. It is a different idea.
And but yeah, sometimes you got to be like, can see what you
mean. It's not that, but I can, I can
understand where you're coming from.
And yeah, what happened was I put up the McGoldrick video and
no, somebody will know. Somebody won't.
I've been doing the Mike McGoldrick character since 2014,
all right? A lot of people would say, hey,
man, that's seven years too long.
In fact, it might even be longer than that.
I think it is. And this guy Aaron was like, I'm
getting Paddy Ralph vibes here. Anyone else or is it just me?
No, he's amended that because I think he said Paddy Mick Roth,
but I think he's edited the post.
And I said, what do you mean? Because I love saying that.
Right you go. What do you mean?
And he said watch Paddy McGrath and you'll see what I mean, lol.
That whole posh accent thing and all and the whole name thing.
That's Paddy bro. And I said flip mate, you're
right. Just wanted to try this
character and see how it goes. We'll delete now.
And he liked it thinking I was going to delete it.
So yeah, Matthew, it happens. And also, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's happened before where people are like, oh, you've
you've stolen from that character.
It's not like it's not annoying to really get accused of it
because usually you're able to like, put people right kind of
quick. So yeah, yeah, it has happened.
But like, not, not too often. Like the Lemmy thing really did
like kind of not kick off, but there was like, not like it was
jumped on by quite a few guys and yeah, without because.
And then here's the thing. You don't want to like I'm
explaining now on the podcast because we're talking about in
the right environment, but you don't want to be like a 32 year
old guy sitting in his house right now.
Like a defence, you know, you, you think hopefully people
understand. And if not, then that's fine.
But do do check, but do but do check out.
I basically have a new sketch coming out and it's it's a red.
I wrote it. But there's one where this fella
basically is talking to his mate and he sees a car going down the
street the wrong way and he goes wrong.
That's going wrong way down a one way St And then it escalates
and he gets a record deal with that single.
So that I'll just leave it at that.
But that's one of mine. That's an original 1 of mine.
JB says. Who's Jeff?
Bryant But Jess, I like that you've you're now rebranded as
JB waiting for the legal one. I mean, I'll be honest, guys,
I've messed up because it wasn't a podcast question.
It wasn't. It was a reply to to the videos
I was doing of local supermarket jingles and all that kind of
thing. And Jazz, just like a lot of
people has a request and it's a little one jazz.
I know you didn't ask podcast, you probably don't listen to the
podcast, which is totally fine because everyone has a right to
listen to podcasts whether they want to or not.
I'm not going to do a little one because I addition to the voice
over for the little ads in Northern Ireland for radio and
it's really well paid. And I didn't get it.
And someone kind of said, Yep, it looks like you've got it.
And then I thought great, but then I didn't get it.
And now I hear those ads all the time.
So, you know, they went with someone else and that's their
decision. But that, you know, I don't shop
there anymore. Laura.
Says, Oh yeah, the picture of Elon Musk and Kanye West
controversial question mark. Yeah, because they're talking to
Elon and Kanye, which by the way, shouldn't be in the same
room, those guys, because Kanye West has crazy ideas and Elon
Musk has the money to make it a reality.
You know, Kanye West needs to be around people like me where he's
like, we should, we should put rockets in everybody's trainers
without telling them. And then we should all see if we
can go to Saturn. Because if he said that to me,
I'd be like, man, I wouldn't even know how to do that.
I wouldn't even know how to get there.
Do you just go up? But he says that the Elon Musk,
Elon Musk site, right, bro, will have this sandwich 1st and then
we'll sort that out. Yeah.
They weren't orange. I mean, I don't.
I would like to see it. I would like to see Kanye become
the creative director for the 12th of July next year.
I think that'll be a lot of fun, and I think it would, yeah, it
would be enjoyable for sure. Controversial, definitely.
Those guys know what. They're at, Jenny says.
OK again. Not a podcast question, I'll
call it. People just look in major
requests for these videos. Matthew Blair.
Matthew, I can. Click on that link.
For some reason it's not let me do it, so I'll roll that over
to. To next week's pod.
Let me take a screenshot of that.
My brother brother just to make sure I do it.
Let me see. Ryan Doyle just this is mainly
for the video people says, I think it's great you helping
Dave wash his face before the podcast.
Now if you can see that in the video version, that's just a guy
shaving a big massive buffalo's face and that's enjoyable.
That's really enjoyable. Guys.
Just going to make sure there's no questions on Twitter before I
wrap this up. And there isn't, which is great.
So there, there you have it. A little bit of a rambly pod as
always, but I'm still in the baby cocoon and I don't know
what I'm getting out. Basically I'm like OJ Simpson, I
don't know what I'm getting out. I'll be honest though, OJ
Simpson isn't in gaol anymore, so that metaphor does not work
in any way. patreon.com/tea with me podcast.
Get the bonus podcast, get the merchandise giveaways, get the
ticket exclusive news. The mystery venue shows I'm
going to be doing are we'll take it out.
We'll take it out. It's all good.
Yeah. Although all that news will be
on the Patreon before it's anywhere else.
Check out the Patreon if you aren't able to support the
podcast on Patreon. That's totally sweet.
What? I would love it.
I would love it if you could go on the Apple podcast, either
rate and review the podcast, which would be brilliant, or if
you do listen and you want to share that out, an image of it
on a your Instagram story or Twitter or whatever, so your
friends see it. That will go a long way and I'd
really appreciate that. We could spread the word.
We can get everybody drinking from the same cup.
Not literally though, because of herpes, you know.
So there we go. Thank you very much.
Sip, sip. We'll see you with a guest on
Friday. I don't know who the guest is
going to be. We're being edgy and we're just
going to have a mystery guest. Let's see what happens.
Thank you very much guys. See you later.