You know. Yeah, they're gonna be able to.
Suck on this teeth, yeah? Instead of saying I can people
say we had a book to get you instead of fuck and then the
yeah. You know, instead of fuck.
Yeah, they'll say that is. That what they say.
Teeth. No.
Teeth is a koi. Ah, Teeth is an animal.
So it's a teeth, a pet. I think it's a petty thing.
So the French World Cup 98 squad.
I didn't prepare. Yeah, we felt like 3 old guys
last night, didn't we? That deserve more when I say.
No, but I don't. As soon as you said football, my
brain shut down. I almost had a seizure.
Yeah, like I clocked out. Yeah, we were just old last
night in the green room. Just physically, mentally, all
of our cultural references are either the.
Crowd last night, if they did parkour I was like, what do you
do parkour? And did they respond?
No. Then I asked him about the I was
like 3 finger skateboards that's still a thing and they're like.
Here surprisingly I mentioned Tamagotchis because I do it and
every I'm anything isn't going to try and mention Tamagotchis
every day. Done at night tech for the day.
They knew what a Tamagotchi was. Right, because that see
everything comes back in. Everything comes back in.
Yeah, there's like a 30 year cycle or 20 year cycle of
everything. Clothes as well, because you're
a dress like Sue Sylvester today.
Who's that? The PE teacher from Glee.
You know what? Fairpoint.
Yeah, that's a fairpoint. PE teacher from a fun show.
Yeah, yeah, old female teacher. Oh, you're also the spit of her,
no? No, no, I know who.
She is. Oh well, there, there we go.
Let's not bring it up. You.
She could play you or you could play her.
No job. I do like if you're just looking
at a silhouette. Yeah.
That's me. Like that is.
You. Fuck, I need to get a haircut.
Here it. Is it is It is.
Would you? If you were a teacher to school,
would you be the PE teacher? Because nobody respects them.
Yeah, I'd be the PE. Teacher.
Nobody respects the PE teacher. They don't do anything.
Whoa.
What the courses do? No, no they don't.
They just did a bleep test every now and then and then they just
they tell you you don't have your period.
When you clearly do. That's that's like a PE teacher
in my school. I don't remember ever doing
anything in PE. What's my wife's occupation?
She a PE teacher? I knew she was a teacher, but is
she a PE teacher? Horrific.
Horrific from you. I was do what that was.
Well, I'm going to slag. Banter, I'm.
Going to slag your husband? Jobs Male comedians.
Get a life, male comedians. I did not know Stacy was a PE
teacher. That makes sense because she
doesn't. She play hockey and stuff
Gaelic. Yeah.
Right. Did you get a load of new
clothes recently? I'm picking that up about you.
I think you bought a lot of new clothes recently because you're
running a new jacket at the gig last night.
And I think you've got what the young people call a hole and you
got a hole. I've actually.
Got 3 mini holes did you? Yeah, how funny.
I guess where from where? Sheen No.
You're cut. Hacker I.
Didn't support Mango is right, not about my clothes.
Because I'm only saying and by the way, I.
You've. This is so weird.
You've criticised me and no I. Think it look great.
No, no, no, no. This is a compliment.
She was my favourite character in the whole show.
You're making a joke, right? But I'm not making a joke when I
say the reason. I thought it was like Shane.
And by the way, nice closer. No, but slavery.
Just every forever. That is, that's also.
Written in David Andrew were like that's a horrific.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's, it's, yeah.
I don't think the quality control is probably that great
either. Do you know what I mean?
Yes, but continue with your compliments.
You were in a jacket last night, didn't have a brat like a brand
or a logo on it. So that's why I just thought
maybe it was from Shane or something like that and I
haven't seen this jumper, so I'm just.
Thinking this is a new jumper I. Haven't seen it since my grand
work. The rugby the rugby gave me
wasn't is the. Collar stitched in.
It's all why? All collars not stitched in.
How else do they stay on the jumper?
No, I thought yes, you could be wearing a round neck jumper.
And I've added a collar. No, no, no, no, no, I haven't.
Don't you wear a shirt under? I don't think you would severely
add a. Collar.
No, I have a fake collar, right? I have a thing.
It's a zip that goes under my coat that like looks like I've
got a hoodie on underneath, like a furry Geely.
But it's just the collar, right? So that you don't have the bulk
of the arms under the coat, but you have the look of the collar.
Right. But it might just be easier to
wear a hoodie, no? Yeah, I did.
I went on a wee bit of a sharp and spray.
I did a couple of things before Christmas, a couple of things
after Christmas because I hadn't bought myself.
Did you do an unboxing? No, Did you?
I've never done an unboxing, although I'm get.
Did I get sent? You have.
No, I've done an unboxing but did I get sent?
Some don't. Think so close ways.
What are you? Expecting listen, pretty big
brand. I've heard they're on the I
shouldn't say this because they sent me stuff there may be on
the way down. That's what people are saying.
They're on their way out, that's why they've sent you their
stuff. They've got in touch with me to,
to see if things it's a, it's a, an energy drink.
That's not a clothing brand. I didn't say it was.
Did you not? It's an energy drink.
OK. Can you name it a big energy
drink or another one? Well.
It's not Red Bull, put it that way.
Monsters. Not the big one, the other way
out. Do you drink energy?
You don't drink energy. Drink Boost.
No, I think influencers. Likasi Prime.
Prime. Correct, they are on their way
out. Are they looking you to save the
brand? They want me to step in, save
the brand. This is the biggest pet of shite
I've ever heard. I swear, do you?
Remember when it was like 14 LB a bottle?
Now it's 20P. Yeah.
Do you know what? I mean, I, I, they want me to
like, you know, drink it and talk about it, but I don't drink
energy drinks. I drank Pepsi Max every single
day all day. Will will collab and but.
Swear you're not hitting those five KP.
Yeah, yeah, I'm. Drinking 2 litres of Pepsi Max
here. Yeah, it's no organ.
Like every day I drunk Pepsi Max every single day I have done for
years. I went into the shop and only
the way here to get a Pepsi Max and the guy at the country
called me love and he was like my age, if not like a year or
two younger. You do, and I'm gonna say
alright, love, I'm. Gonna say something.
Go. That's OK.
Is it? Yeah.
Because when you consider everything in the world at the
moment. It's all right.
No, I agree. You know it's all right.
Oh, we love. No, no.
But I'm not like, oh, he's misogynistic your age.
I'm like, do I give anyone a pet name ever?
Even especially people you don't?
In that job or you're you're lovely, I'd be asking if your
power is back, are you warm enough?
If I was wearing my jacket last night, I'd have been bitch.
Yeah, today. And there's some love.
Yeah. No, I I think it's weird.
I see whenever you hear people call their partner like babe and
baby and all. I will call.
I can't believe Stacy's PE teacher feels so I'd be.
I'd be more inclined to call an older lady love than someone my
age or younger. Which, yeah.
That's so weird. I'm talking like a 70 year old.
But I'm not trying to make it sexual.
I I am. No.
I just think it's strange. It's like right?
Like we're pet honey or am weird.
Say, say I see an old lady crying in the car.
Yeah, ask her her name. Past the windows down.
Oh, that's creepier. What's your name?
Maybe she's crying because
Yankee Corner. I know, Sheila.
I go everything all right, love? I might say what they're
thinking, but hey, it's come from a good place.
It's not a white Mama kind of thing.
I might do a wee woman, huh? I might be like, alright, we
woman. You say we woman's OK.
Because she would probably be weirder than.
Me. She'll come if I said we will.
Well, we woman, you're right in there.
We woman where you and I? Well, we woman.
Yeah, Love. I, I think Love's alright.
Love. There's some things that are
they're alright. There's, there's a lot of bad
things going on. Some words like that you, you
got to just, that's all right. Do you, do you have like, do you
say like baby and babe and on the House?
No, because I'm not a early naughty rapper.
But that's what all that's the same thing.
Baby. Baby no to pure strengthen.
Yeah, I only use full name. Full full name.
Pet names are only weird when people have the same one.
You call me that, I call this. Yeah, we will call it our babe.
Yes, the same one back and forth and in like in like the same
sentence. Yeah, yeah, that is creepy.
Just first name I'll just call Sean Sean.
Yeah, that's it Or for didn't role play Kevin Spacey that went
that was so no way did. You just been up with any actor?
That was the first name came to mind.
Because that's 10 out of 10 mad if you're like, I'm a young guy
who works in the theatre that. European.
And just picture and Sean with a wee signet ring on to find you
see Haggerty? I was about to say House of
Parts, and I don't know what that means.
Oh yeah. But that is a weird actor to
role. Play that was the also not even
like when's the last time like I was in anything.
Oh well, well. That's who got him in trouble in
the. 1st. Place.
Dear. As it, no, it has been proven.
We can say you can, you can talk about it.
He's been, he's he's been done. It's fine.
No one's in trouble. Dan, why is there still loads of
Sue Sylvester pictures on that screen?
I see with my limp at the minute, with this thing that I
have, I I feel like speaking to Kevin Spacey.
Casual Soze. Have you seen Usual Suspect?
No. At the end of it, don't It came
by 1998. You still can't Don't.
No you can don't. It hits an iceberg, it goes down
right? Umm.
He sees dead people. He walks at the end.
Right. Is he not supposed to he?
Has a limp in it. All right, OK, at the end a
character just start walking normally at the end of it.
And when you've seen the film it all you go, ah, fuck.
I feel like I have a limp, but sometimes I feel like I'm
putting it on. Does that make sense?
Even though I know I'm not and I'm like because earlier I went
down into Joxer. Because.
We'll talk about why we're so tired at the moment.
But I went to walk to Joxer and then I knew Michael downward
upstairs and I was like limping to my car because I couldn't
even walk around the drove And I knew George's and downstairs
office. And I was like, what if she sees
me walking normally? And I was like, Oh yeah, but I
can't walk normally. But in my head I was still like,
I'm going to be find out here. It's like, do you know if you're
ringing and sick to work and you are actually sick but you go, I
have to make it myself sewing sicker or they won't believe me.
But you couldn't write. You couldn't rang and be like,
listen, I have a bad migraine. I can't come in today.
But you instead have to go, oh, God, a migraine always.
They won't believe me even if you do have one.
Yeah. So it's like that.
It's psychosis. I don't think it is.
Dan, we have some questions and we'll take them intermittently.
By the way, we're also going to take a little bit of a break at
12 as well. Yes.
So Frank wants us to stay away from American politics today
after yesterday. And Andrew Ryan's been on this.
Day Listen, can I just say good because I know for a fact
neither of us know anything about it.
Didn't stop Andrew yesterday. I think the world needs to know
where Dave Elliott and Andrew Ryan stand on American politics.
Then it was important for them to have that conversation so
people know these guys understand American politics.
They live it. They breathe it.
Yeah. And they're experts.
Yeah. But what I want to talk to you
about is, do you watch Love Island?
No. Have you ever watched it?
Yes, I watched it in secret one summer.
Like I'm framed. I watched it on the gym, on the
on the bike. Sorry, John.
Why does Sean not like? Yours, he would, he would, he
would, he would lose so much respect for me really, just
because it's obviously such shit TV, but it's such brilliant TV
at the same time. I agree.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, but I was like, I
was like, I'll just put on and I and I got hooked and I I was
like, you absolutely love that bike.
You are you love cycling as a game.
You cycle the length of Asia. Yeah, I'd go for half an hour on
the bike of a day to watch the episode.
I pet you. You was like, you know, those
like beer can hats with Pepsi Max?
Yeah, like a. Hot.
The Yeah, yeah, yeah, I the girls on the show were like.
They don't do sucking off, or if they do, they don't show it.
Sorry grandpa, they don't do sucking off they don't.
What your grandpa calls. It.
Your grandpa calls it. Your grandpa calls it sucking
off. Goes to the beager.
Why would I know what he calls? It.
Now what would they? They'd say.
They would say a. Moist whistle.
I don't think they did it. They.
Call it, they call it a downstairs, a downstairs exhale.
You know, they call it something like that.
Like a wee bum fart. No, they're all bum farts.
No, they Jews like they Jews like an analogy, you know?
I don't think they knew what it was.
Going down the basement for a lolly when you think it was
invented. Blowjobs.
I think after the industrial era when everyone didn't have to
like whenever there was other options outside of working 9:00
to 5:00, I think then people went with more time for
blowjobs. What went before the industrial
era? Oh, they were, just didn't have
the bomb. I think now I tell it was early
doors look. You see it from the from the
beginning. This is what blows my mind.
Not from the beginning. A couple of years in and I
reckon there was a couple of people doing it but not wanting
to say and then when they heard someone else was doing it they
were like fuck yeah, now we can talk about.
This. Yeah, yeah, if you hear what
these guys have been doing and. There's probably guys doing it
not even like in a LIKE gateway. No, no, we're just doing it.
There wouldn't have been sexuality.
Like a favour. Yeah, friends Favour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like your Dick looks tasty, but
I think like, initially imagine how all that was.
People wouldn't like we've got so private, but people obviously
in the beginning weren't wearing clothes.
They probably had more sex outdoors back in the day.
And just hear noise. Something would have been like
we'll just a couple of shag whilst the rest of his talk like
that's would have been would have been as normal as just like
picking your nose. We don't do that either.
But also at some point, somebody would have been a can everyone
stop shitting at our fate? We'll all do it in that corner
over there. Looks to be invented.
A shit corner, a toilet. Yeah.
You know, I mean, it used to be pesting and shitting where you
said yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring back those days.
She's more interested in what your grandparents would have
called, I don't think. I don't think they'd have been
in all that. They definitely would.
Like could you know why They know none of them loved each
other? There was probably a time where.
And you have to love someone if you're willing to suck it.
It was probably all the rage and then it died off a bit and then
it came back about maybe 30 years ago.
That's what happens. Everything comes.
Back see. Tamagotchi.
Jobs are on their way out. Yeah, yeah.
You're gonna have to be a granddad again before they come
back in. Not.
For God's sake. But you were speaking about
America there. What?
Oh, American politics. I went to New York a few months
ago with Sean and October, it was our October, November, it
was our first trip away without the kids.
You've been. Ambassadors, why is this linked
to politics? Oh no, it's just linked to
America. Oh, I just put your June show on
like the Senate. We and have you been on holiday
without the kids? Yeah, great time.
Not the America, though. Where'd you go in New York?
Where did we go in New York? No where did.
You go, Where did you go? Common.
New. York.
We went to New York. We went to gig in the Dead
Rabbit, yes, which is great fun. And then we stayed there.
But we went to this place called.
You've been in New York a few times.
Have you ever went to Ellen's Stardust Diner?
Not my thing. I don't think it would be Arm.
Butler would. Jazz is next.
It's the best. Butler looks is like tailor made
to be the maitre-d'. There, Yeah.
What would you call it like? It's like.
Like. What do I would describe it?
Yeah, tacky glamour. Absolutely.
So it is absolutely. So it's a you go, it's like a
it's like a Frankie and Benny's, Frankie and Benny's, Frank and
Benny's. It's like something like out
there, like a diner that you obviously go eat done.
But all the serving staff singing all and they're like
yes, they're like ex Broadway stars, aspire and Broadway
stars. It's about a kick in the Dick
because it's literally on Broadway like this diners
between two theatres. If you walk past people who've
made it to go in and serve pancakes, yes, but like they
sing the whole time. And I thought like, you know,
maybe every 20 minutes and we'll get up and do we song whatever,
but they're singing all the someone's walking around like
with eggs here and a microphone here being all like, let it go,
let it like they're just singing the whole.
You're like, let it go fucking starving.
You let it go. That I I hate that I even hate
it when like a waiter, we just ask you what are your plans rest
of the day? When they converse with you.
No, I like convert. I just hate that question.
Why? What are you at rest today?
Why I? Don't know.
I don't really know what I'm doing, I just find it odd like
all. Do you want a list of the things
I'm? Actually, that is, that is
strange. Why would they need to know
that? What?
Are you doing the rest of your day?
You go as. I never answer.
Yeah, I know it's weird, but the the the the MC that was there
whenever we were doing it was like.
Who was MC? She was like at the Stardust
Diner. I don't know if she was.
At the Stardust Diner, I think meant that the gig.
No, she was like there's an MC in the thing and she like she
calls everyone down. Not she's like a Roseanne sort
of, which like Next up, it's that she's really like angry,
but like, really? And you can tell these people at
times, like, yeah, you know, when they have to sing And
they're fucking amazing, though. And they were saying just the
girl was like, oh, last week one of our girls has left to do
Mamma Mia and everyone else, like, so you don't have to go.
They're amazing. But seriously, gonna bring me
some red sauce. I I saw people in Joxer last
week. Why?
Because we were about to leave waiting to pay and there was
people waiting. You gave them your exit.
No, took the menus and went and asked more than one.
Did you actually? Yeah, they were there, yeah.
What are the staff day? There was nobody there.
They were all doing something and I took the guy's menus.
It was like how we doing folks food or just drinks?
And they said all food. And I went, well, come with me
and show them to the table and they give them the menus.
And then the waiter came down like panicked, like what is
going on? I was like, yeah.
Under control. I've got it.
I know the specials. So have you ever been a waiter?
Yeah, Well, that's OK. But I was really about it.
So was I. There's too many moving parts,
yeah. Like.
There's way too much to do. I've said this before.
See, when I watch baristas under pressure, yeah, I'm like, you
have no idea how intelligent this is.
This operate to be able to do a lot stuff.
I've it romanticised in my head, but like in a movie when you see
breasts and it's like the steam coming from the frother.
They've got a tea towel over here they've got and then they
spot so many fancy and it's all like cool.
I was I was a waiter years ago when I was like a teenager and I
was doing a first communion one time and like the whole family
was on the we get was sat in a wee white dress and all, and I
was pouring the tea and coffees at the end and I was really
shit. But anyway, I was crap being a
waiter and I was pouring the tea and coffees then and I poured
the tea all over the Wiggir sat there.
What? Do you mean I kept pouring it
over? Just no.
Look, I spelled the whole like a canister over the wee girl and
she screamed and I was like, Oh my God, she's going to have
third degree burns. But it was that shit of a
waitress that I had poured cold water into the tea canister.
So not only was ever getting cold tea, but I also saved her
life. Yeah.
Sure. Like don't worry, like I didn't
burn your child's face. This.
Cold and everyone's teeth cold, so enjoy.
Dan, we got any any questions here?
Nicholas says he's dosed with a cold, just sent his baby to the
nursery. He gets no sympathy as a dad.
Do you have similar experiences as a dad?
This This is by far the hardest week I've ever had been in that.
This is This is. By far and totally aware that
there's this wouldn't be a blip on a lot of people's radar
because. They watched your special and
they were like. So we're like back and forth the
hospital at the minute because my youngest son has pneumonia.
Which is it like that term is like the most panic term.
Yeah. It's just an infection in a
certain place. I mean it's like a chest, like
lower chest infection in a certain place.
Do you have a lower chest? Do I have a lower chest?
Do people have a lower chest? The worst shot of all time.
Excuse me, love. Yeah, I do not have use your
breastfeeding the chest is lower.
Yes, the answer to that. So.
First of all, our power went out.
Power outage the network. Go listen, we'll get that.
So who sang? The network.
A group again. The boss.
Black ties. Yeah, dark sunglasses.
So do you think that caused the pneumonia because the heating
was off? I don't think it was just that
one night, but it was probably broom and that brought it out.
Right, it was when usually after my side.
Yeah, that's that's what we. Went wrong.
That's the kicker. I'd say it would have been
warmer, yeah. For sure.
Yeah, so par went out and then the they were like, oh, it's not
going to be back on till for like a week or more.
Yeah, and. Then it's still not back on.
No, OK, so we had to get an Airbnb one every Airbnb had fell
through with like 2 hours before their part was off then with the
change. So bring one back and forth and
the night I was telling you this at the gig, have to like hold
this we tube of oxygen to my son's face.
Yeah, but he's not old enough for me to go just stay still.
Yeah. So what he hears is wait till I
have this all set up and then just change.
Just change your position. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he goes the other side as much as you can.
Yeah, so it's it's like a shit game show.
Kids don't know they're born. Imagine someone holding your air
in your face and you're, you're like, not up for it.
Yeah. What fucking planet are you
living on do you mean? It's.
Imagine someone like holding you do you to use nod off Yeah.
And like stroke in your wee head and on you're faking it like a
wee Dick. Like that's what kids don't know
they're born. They don't but it's a it's not
so that's why I couldn't do the pod yesterday and that but every
kids second. But so that question was do you
justice for Fowlers basically, wasn't it?
Was it like he's getting a hard time with the nursery?
Yeah, there's also a follow up which says doing a gentleman
play up to man, flu, etcetera and don't deserve any.
Because. My head is no, not really.
And I also, and this is this is where I'm going into Andrea and
Dave Deritory, right. But Sean, people often like if
they're starting with me and Sean, they'll say something
like, oh, sure, like the dad wouldn't know all about that or
like, sure, he'd hardly know where you keep the bottles and
not seeing them all. He does just as much, if not
more parenting than I do. Like what's so offensive to
assume that the dad doesn't know the shit around the house with
the kids? Isn't domestically aware?
You go along with that banter. But like, with as little sleep
as I have at the minute, it would come out if I was like, in
a shop, yeah, say I was buying like, yeah, you know.
Prime. Stuff for kids.
Yeah. And Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Prime well. That's what you're drinking from
now on because it is a insert tag line.
And but if someone did said after me today, like, you know,
that kind of banter of like, oh, that'll be like, let me talk you
through the last week. I know.
Tell me if I've if I've done my share.
Yeah, it's. So it's so offensive.
It's so weird. When Sean's youngest of the
three, the older boys broke his arm.
Trampolines dangerous. We went into the hospital and
they directed everything at me and I wouldn't allow that to
slide. They directed everything at me
as if Sean was like some. How many of you guys went?
To where? Hospital.
Well, just me and Sean and the child.
All right, Yeah. You're oldest though.
Am I the oldest? No, I don't think you're the
oldest of Sean's kids. So the youngest of his three.
Oh, the youngest. The youngest of his.
Three, you said the oldest. I was like this guy, probably
27. Now why is?
It a group effort to go to hospital.
No, he was like 10. So we brought him to the
hospital and they directed absolutely everything at me and
you know, and I had to keep going.
Dude, I'm not his mom so I don't care.
No, I'm not his mom. That's his dad.
Like I pushed them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's only got 1 arm, but I don't have to do.
It's like that's his dad. And even when they would come in
the next morning when like his mom was there and Sean was
there, they would just offer the mom breakfast and like ignore
the dad and all the time and at one point they went was dad the
one playing him on the trampoline?
If like, what a dopey bastard. And I was like, this is so.
Rude. Like.
I suppose a stupid can't hear the damage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're fucking idiot.
He thought he could bounce fucking off the grass like it's,
it's crazy and. Everything on the.
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
You know, I'm just getting on with it because when they come
around now for tea and toast and stuff, I'm not even going.
Would I be able to have gluten? Free.
Yeah, Yeah. Yeah.
And if you just put jam and can you source almond butter and put
on that and for the tea, I'll just have almock of that.
I just go. I'll just have black tea.
I dig in. People don't know like I can dig
in, but when it comes to it, I can dig in.
I don't like digging in. Yeah, but I can dig in.
So what's digging in? What do you keep saying that?
Sometimes you have to. It's like, it's like soldiers in
the trenches. Do you mean just just suck it
up? You have to just glaze over.
I don't like saying suck it up after a previous.
Conversation. Yeah.
You have to just glaze over. Yeah, yeah.
And just just I, I'd love to be able to do that.
I'd like to do that more to dig in.
I don't think I did enough. Don't be afraid to get the
Spirit and dig in. You just you.
You dig in and you plant yourself there.
Sean's been digging in his whole life.
He's so far underground. That's his issue though.
He's dug too far. He's dug too far and I'm trying
to pull him out. He's just dog, so he's just.
Wandering about Australia right now, He's.
Gone so deep. Yeah.
So he's dug so deep for both of us that I have to stay on.
He's dug, too. I have to hold the space.
Or you have to like find a way to get him up so he can start
digging somewhere else, but tell him not to go too far.
Because things will occur. You need to be able to see out
like I can, just about. I'm up to there.
But I know like Brave try and keep himself up there, right
here. Yeah.
Because if you go too far under, you can't see the surface.
That's smart. Yeah, because there's so many
times like five more Deshawn. Oh, I've had this like
altercation with somebody. He immediately goes and
immediately blames me. He'll go.
Why? What?
What way we talking to them? Like just like this.
What percentage of it would be your fault?
We'll take 5050. Yeah, I would say somebody does
say somebody does something wrong.
I don't. I have, I have a very immediate
reaction that I usually regret. And then I go, oh, I don't mean
to be that. OK, let me run some scenarios by
you. Yeah, these might not even
trigger you at all or make Cross have no idea you are looking for
a parking space. I you've got somebody you've.
Got some of the kids in the car. Oh.
There's a few, I nearly said. Mother and baby spaces.
What about? That does.
What about that does? Through their own work.
If you parent and baby spaces, yeah, right.
You're looking for a space someone in front of you know you
didn't have the indicator on there were there were there were
they didn't steal your space, but you're looking for a space
they get out just one guy. I'm saying something.
Now are you get? Are you winding the window down
to say it? Are you getting out to say it?
What do you want to? Do I wouldn't abandoned the kids
mid Rd because let's I'm not parked yeah so I'll stay in the
car right I'll put the hazards on so as not to cause an
accident, but I will roll the window.
I will go here less than that's for, that's for people like me.
So I'll be the guy. Right, we all reasons yeah,
getting. Out of the car, you got to get
my attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go here, see Sylvester and you look at me and I go.
What? I've got your attention and I've
got my two kids are the back and you've parked in a space that's
just for. I didn't realise.
I'll be two minutes, no. No, no, no, no.
I haven't got 2 minutes. He's.
I only have two. Minutes got pneumonia I've got
to take him into. The hospital.
This is the chiropract to the. Hospital.
Here's the thing, people who do parks based like that will never
give a fuck. Last night there was somebody
parked outside the gig that we were doing over 2 spaces, like
the the the the door handle of their car was where the line is
between 2. They were in the middle of two
spaces. And sometimes you see that if
someone has a really fancy car, you know what I mean?
That's never just case report. Exactly, but this was also a
shit car, Even worse, right Jermaine?
I was like why have you got like a fucking Ford Fiesta?
150 years old, parked over 2 spaces.
But we wrote say to students junior and I think that's that's
that's Gen Z privilege. I'm taking two spaces.
The mess, yes, yeah. What percentage of people that.
Sorting. Oh, in the.
Cars Do you think through the cigarettes at the window?
What percentage? Because I'll tell you the.
Answer 99. 95. Do you know that for a fact?
That's not a study that's been done.
I've been studying it and I'm going by everyone I see does it
and there's people I I know I can't on see it guy just the
other day just down the traffic lights waiting the cross flicks
it I. Can't believe people still
smoke. I rarely see a person smoke at
night. Everyone vapes.
I rarely see a person smoking. Yeah.
Do you mean it's so vintage, It's so old, It's coming back
around. It'll come back in as well.
Yeah. When we're like, that's what I'm
going to do though. When I like, when I become an
old lady, Like, can you not wait to be an old man and just to be
like, what? I'll have 0 fox.
Like I've, I've got about one or two fox now.
I'll have 0 fox. Then I read this thing.
I, you probably have seen it before.
It was like a Facebook page and it was all these old women and
men who were in like a care home and they were given advice to
their younger selves. And they were all like, they had
these cards held up and they were like, you know, spend more
time with the family, Go visit the world.
And one woman had make sure you live in a bungalow.
I don't know if she had a fall just.
Like oh I needed a bungalow so bad.
Like that was her one piece of advice to her younger chef.
Make sure you get a bungalow and walk and shower.
Someone must have fallen a top window.
All that got deep. Maybe her and that's why she's
only 35. Don't hit us to the question.
Oh no, sorry. Before you do my apologies.
The reason I brought up Love Island is because at the minute
I always think of you when I see Geordie Shore.
Sure, because that better material you do by guys from
Geordie Shore. They're bright.
I haven't seen it, but they're doing a reunion series.
But it's like, not even the mean people, just some people that
were part of it and they're going to Thailand.
I think I just saw this advertising.
Do you mean do you mean Geordie Shore or Love Island?
Geordie Shore, OK ah. But one of the guys because like
they've obviously all had a lot of plastic surgery.
Yeah. One of the guys is totally
unrecognisable to the point where I went, well that must be
a new person. And then it said his name and I
was like, Oh my God, Kyle. Was he one of the OG ones?
Hmm. He came a wee bit later.
He had. Like fair hair?
You're going to bring him up? I've got really bad eyes.
That's him. That's him.
I'm. Going to have to.
Right, so. Dan, click on the one.
Click on Eh yeah, that one there is.
This his face 9. That was him on the left and
that's. Him he is.
Is that Was that him on the left when he was doing Geordie Shore?
Because he is absolutely beautiful.
But can I say this? Beautiful, but don't fancy him.
That's yeah, because he looks, he looks not real.
He's perfect looking, but I would not want that, yeah.
Steggle, Kevin Spacey. I like all your flaws.
I like a quirky face. Yeah, we've got a character, all
them lanes. He he looks like a robot on the
left. He looks like AI and AI person.
Dango 3 rows down on. The auditioning for The X Factor
in the right. Blue T-shirt.
That's the way he looked on the show.
Yeah. But he looks totally different
now. So Dango top row 3 images in
yes, the one we were looking at see on the right.
That's not he looks like a different person because he had
that much work. He looks everyone on that show.
But looks botched. Has a different face.
Yeah, I think so, Joe. They're all trying to get all
the guys the jaw. Jaw.
The jaw. But like, they're going
overboard. It's like the Turkey teeth.
Don't go for the top of the scale.
Go 3/4 of the way. Exactly because nobody will
believe it. Same with the jaw.
So ship it, I know, but they also, I think they're going for
the jaw and the jaws outside of their ears.
Yeah, and it needs to be inside your ears.
So, so then to compensate, they're going.
Big ears, Wider ears. They're like the team with me,
Mug. That's how they're all looking.
What would you if you had the like?
If you had. Right, you're going on this
show. Yeah.
And they go, even though you were never on John.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not on the reunion.
John, they go. Listen.
It's a bit of a rite of passage here.
Yeah, I've always been on the show.
You need to get like something like major down to your face or
head. What do you need?
It's so weird that you would say head because you're you're
assuming I'm going to try and get my forehead shrinked.
Like that is so rude. He is like who would say that to
someone who says your face or your head?
What I mean? The head.
I mean like. No, no, no, I mean like not just
your from here to here you could get your ears, no, your jaws.
Head not right, You you you. Immediately when she's going to
choose her forehead, obviously. What's up?
What's up with your Victorian forehead?
I have a really big forehead. We know I've got a big forehead.
So everyone that's like looking at me, like, you know, I've got
a big forehead by looking at me. Go on.
Everyone just said go on. Why he's so afraid?
Thanks, Georgia. Georgia doesn't, though.
I do have a big forehead. It's fine.
I think it's great. I love it.
I can dress it up. Do you know what I would do?
To me, no, To me. What?
It'd be crazy if I said what? Surgically to you.
I would, I would, I would change my eyebrows.
I would like she. Could do that Darken no easily.
If it rained to be embarrassed, they don't.
Follow the difference in eyebrow makes.
You should do it because you should.
Do what though? Do what?
What's the thing I could do? Right, the thing that.
You could do my eyebrows die off halfway and they get more fair.
I want them to. Be like at home with a bits kit,
take 10 minutes and you do the take the advice that you just
gave yourself a second go. Don't go for the 10, go for like
A5 or 6A slight change. In fact, change ever so slightly
every week for the next six weeks and then six weeks time,
nobody will know what happened. How long will it last?
About a month and it's only takes 10 minutes.
And we can do it every we can do it.
You come to my house, we'll point to my own suite.
Nobody will know and we'll tell your eyebrows.
I think that's a good show. You'd be surprised the change in
your face. I feel like you need it now.
I've never ever thought about it before.
I would do. I'd get my eyes even though.
I'd probably do the jaw and I feel like when you see your age
knowing it's like in your neck and I'm starting to look at my
neck, I. Don't want to have that neck
pussy like. I know the like Turkey neck
thing. The yeah, that word pussy is the
worst word in the whole world. But then here's the thing, you
just wear the roll mix. You can't be doing that.
And the and the mid the height. The height here. 12.
Degrees. Just the neck of.
Yeah, just the collar. Yeah, you do like a vest, but
it'll always be there because like, I don't know what can be
done about that. I don't know if people have
always been having that or whether it's been happening
more. No, but you can get surgery.
I think we need to get it. Are you?
I'm because I am genuinely starting to look at myself
going. You're ageing.
When I first started to see it like lines and wrinkles and grey
hairs, I was a bit like oh God and I am very much a peaceful.
Well then I saw Cameron Diaz on Jonathan on UMM Graham Norton a
few weeks ago. Fully looks her age, looks like
she has never been near a knife like.
She cut her food, takes her age. Yeah, everything with a spoon.
Spoon and she looks exactly her age and she looks amazing
because she looks like a normal person.
Can I give you another example that Yeah.
Best looking member of the female cast of friends, Lisa
Kudrow. Yeah, no doubt about it.
Because. She's not done much yet.
She looks real. She looks great, Yeah.
Does she look? She don't even look her age.
Does she look slightly younger than her age but still like a
middle-aged woman? But she still looks like Lisa
Kudrow is the thing. But she looks great.
But the other girls and guys have been poisoned by the fact
that they're currently still on TV as their 30 year old selves,
and so people see them in real life and they're all Schwimmer.
Had a bit of work. Oh, I'd say so.
At least a wee face pill, which doesn't work.
I'm over a lymphatic drainage massage after this.
Pardon, I don't know what that is.
Lymphatic. Drain.
Yeah, my brain's being drained, which is what the old man would
have called blow jobs. A brain drain.
A brain dream A. Brain.
Dream. Yeah, a lymphatic drainage
massage. Don't know what it is.
I think it's good for you. It's it's like.
Your face. All your whole body head to toe,
you're going to start with me eyebrows, they're going to start
with spend 45 minutes on my forehead and then they're going
to spend 15 minutes on the rest of my body.
It's it's like you know your lymph nodes.
Part of it. I think they're they hold all
the toxins and all in your body. I don't really know much about
this, but this is so they like massage and apparently it gets
rid of like water retention toxins, bloating.
It's good for like just getting the shit out of your system.
Where are you getting it done? Somewhere in Hollywood.
Oh really? Oh, happy days.
Nearby there's there's like 2 girls run this business and it's
like from anger nobody here, but it's like hello and sorry and
it's like blowing up. It's like gone really big and
like everyone's everyone's all into it now.
And I actually remember looking and it whenever I was pregnant
because you know where you're like a whale and all your you do
it and remember being pregnant. Would you did?
Your forehead get bigger. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's where I held the baby. I did a short follow one time
and it was second a Victorian time when I was all said
something about my forehead and she was like but it but you
could probably do lots of period drama stuff because of that
forehead and I was like, I'm also a shit actor so.
It's it's. That here.
Here's a compliment. Let's twist it into common.
It's a Shakespearean forehead. It's a Shakespearean forehead.
Exactly. Yeah, like there's probably
actresses who would try and have that, try and stretch it out.
Stretch their forehead. Yeah.
Not like if you put your hair back for a long time.
Just gravity would start to like naturally bring it back.
Yeah, yeah. Umm.
So I'm going for this massage because I'm going to holidays on
Sunday, so I thought that'll be good to make clear.
Tenerife. You can do it, Las Americas.
You give it cost a decade, which by the way, a decade.
I was talking Andrew Ryan, the order, and I was like, I'm going
there. And he was all, oh, we're just
back from there. And I saw, for fuck's sake,
because now I'm going to get an hour and a half.
Of Aaron Butler's just back from her, too.
Why is everyone going there? It must be on the cheap.
Is it? I got a.
Good can I days him? I'm not flexing.
I probably didn't Tenerife 20 times.
Have you, I've been two or three, have you been to that
area? I know Tenerife that well that
Aaron Butler was on the live stream last week, showed us
outside his hotel room window. And I mean, you could see like 6
foot of a street with no big features bar like some trees and
the the what would you say like Thailand, like outdoor Thailand.
And I went, I know what that is. There's Morelli.
'S is there a restaurant there and something there?
And I named him and he was like, yes, really weird.
You can do. That but so quickly.
You can get on Google Maps and look those things up.
When you're on the phone. Tenerife or Naggy?
Like the back of my hand. So have you been to a decade?
Yep, Las Cristianos, Las Americas, Costa a decade been to
them all. I've been to Las Americas.
The only reason I'm going there, where I'm going is because
obviously if you want to get hate at this time of year, it'll
be 2nd of February going. You sort of have to go to the
Canarians. No point going to Spain.
No you to the Canarians. And I needed somewhere that was
because it's a four and a half hour flight with two toddlers as
like when I get there, I need to be a short transfer and it's
only 15 minutes on like to like drive where you're going.
It's not no it is because the hotel I've booked my friend went
like a couple months ago when it was 15 minute drive to her hotel
and my. Friend's a liar.
No, she's a time. Traveller.
It's a longer journey than that, no?
It's not, it is, it's not to say in the website you don't know
anything about Tenerife, so tell me how long it is.
You looked at you were on tenerifelies.com.
It's longer. What do you How do you know?
Tenerife because I've been the Tenerife about 20.
Times. We'll report back on Sunday,
then. I love it.
Yeah, I'll message you on Sunday.
You just go with the young kids. And the youngest of the of the
other. So the boy who broke his arm.
That's a documentary. That's a period fish you're in
the boy who broke his arm. See, I'm playing the long game
with this one. So he's 16 now and he can be
like a third set of adults, people.
To be going to family holiday. I know, but also he's he's like
they're also almost as an adult, right?
Do you know what I mean? Yes.
So he's like an adult, eyes on the kids, can play with the
kids. How long he's gone for.
A week. The sound in Tenerife very
burning. Yes, well, it depends what time
of year you go, surely. It's volcanic ash.
Yeah, I know. But it's not just out of the
volcano relatively. That's exciting.
Do that cup of tea that was poured 3000 years ago.
That'll be hot. Not if you're pouring it call
back to the waitress. Think Kevin, you're here for it,
but appreciate it anyway. And Dan, can we take another
question, please? Peter wants to know was Shame
purposely dressed as a contestant on Squid Games that.
Would have been better than Sue Sylvester.
Oh, do you know, I sat here at the starred rack in my brains
going Where's the green tracks it and I came up with Sue
Sylvester. Squid Games was better.
Fashion listen for everyone and I want them.
I think you look great Look. This morning I said to my wife,
can you bring me a change of clothes?
I need to do the podcast. She bought she brought you the
emergency PE kit from school. Power outage.
She literally did it in the dark.
Literally grab clothes in the dark and this is where we're at.
But you know what The thing is? I feel comfortable I'm.
Peter, send us a picture of your outfit for today.
Let's see. Let's see Rick Owens himself.
Who's record? Weird fashion designer, don't
know why I picked him. Weird guy.
Where do you want to be done? Bring up record ones please.
But did you mean? About a weird looking guys had
worked on. But we've been slightly Peter
there now or we've been a complimentary this is.
No, I was saying like people in Glass House, let's see, let's
see him look at record ones. Yeah, look at this guy.
No, that's. That's a model.
Yeah, that's him. There is that him that's.
Him one of the world's self fashion designer.
Oh, OK. Looks like what do you call your
your guy from Harry Potter. Oh.
Slender snake. He looks like Snake I'm.
Not a Harry Potter guy. I read the books, I've seen some
of the movie. Some people are undead.
Though Oh loads people. There was a Harry Potter
reference last night at our gig. Was that Mickey made it.
Yes, said it was a wee guy look like a diabetic Harry Potter and
I don't know that meant, but it was lows.
It was so funny. And I was like, that's I did not
expect a Harry Potter reference to come out of Mickey Bartlett.
Yeah, did. My mixed Harry Potter is he?
Yeah. No.
Yeah, you say no kids. No, I said.
I think he is. Oh, I thought you would.
Actually, I'm not tired from just no sleep last night and
just just as how I describe people whether they have kids or
not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mickey, you know the guy with no kids says what's up,
motherfucker? I never been into Harry Potter
myself either. I wouldn't be under the fantasy
sort of stuff unless it's sexy time with Kevin Spacey in the
house. No, I'm not into it either.
I am watching new series of squid games so and it is great.
I love it. Surely it's the same concept
isn't it? Like it's just the squid games
like level 2. It starts out not as the same
concept, and then they're like. Hold on, is it Squid games?
Joey there was like the real 1. Not where people die, Mr. Beast
did it. The one like people were like
contestants in real life. Mr Beast.
Why you keep saying that word? Because he's the guy behind all
that. Do you mean he he's like the guy
who produces it? Yes, Right.
So there was that one. But then there's like the one
that's like the actual Asian one.
That's the one you're watching. Yeah, then I'm watching the
Netflix. It's like a made-up one, the
drama script. Did we call it the industry?
Yes, I'm watching that. You're watching that one is the
same guy. Yeah, OK.
It's brilliant. I loved the first one so I
probably will watch a second. It's like a it's like a dark
Takeshi's Castle do. You know what?
I've been watching Rivals. Have you watched that?
Danny Dyer, David Tennant, Emily Attack?
Lots of people you wouldn't imagine together.
Remember her comedy series? I you mean her series?
Really. No, she's great.
Not this she wasn't. In what?
In the comedy series. No, she was doing stand up.
Oh, she was doing stand up. That's right.
But did she write it? No, No, it might have been
better if she wrote it. But what's it?
What's What's this about? It's like sad in the 80s in like
the Cotswold or something. It's somewhere out in the
Nowhere, but it's about like rival, like ABBC, rival TV
station. I think it may.
I think it's ATV but it's like everyone.
Granada they used to call. It was Granada that actually is.
Everyone's just shagging all the time in the countryside outside.
It's so weird. There's all so much.
Shagging of the show. It's just like a joke This
Morning with Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston gave you
like a sneak peek and like ATV show the mechanics of it
happening. It's like that, but like a guy
who has an Irish guy who has a chat show, right?
And it's fucking pretty. Crazy Irish guy.
Your guy from your guy. What is it?
Adrian Turner, Aiden Turner Adrian Turner, Your guy from
the. Yes, and he had this top off in.
The field, yes. What do you call that show?
I'm going to get it. Paul dark, Paul Dark, you guys.
Don. Remembers it anyway I've.
Never heard that show. It's the guy was top off Paul
Dark. It's good.
It's really. Sounds like Theresa May run
through the wheat fields. But yeah, so is this is it?
Is it from a book or anything? I don't know books, so I don't
know. People having sex in the
country. It's really, really good.
And I wasn't, I tried to start it and I was like, this is the
first thing. There's a, the first thing is a
bearish on a plane. And I was like, that is too much
like. A bearish or Yeah.
How do you get on the plane? But it was Neil Delamy.
Was told him. Yeah.
He's like stuck with it. It's really good and it is it's
really good. So watch it.
You'll hate it. You're.
Under David Tennant is that good of an actor?
Yeah, sometimes I don't like watching them because.
It's. He's that good.
I don't know if this makes sense.
No. Right.
Is that jealousy? What was the thing where he
played the vicar and he? White Church.
He hit the lady in the head and then kept her in the basement.
Oh, Father's head. Mr. Bean, Mr. Bean.
No. Yeah.
What was it? Carry on.
Maybe. It might have been Harlan Corbin
adaptation thing. I don't think David Tennant's
done. Right here's the here's the
gist. This woman, he plays a vicar.
I'm typing in. There's this woman and she
thinks his son has done something, but he hasn't.
So David Tennant is like, don't go to the police.
And she's in his house and he pushes her or something.
And then she bangs her head and he's like fuck, I can't let you
leave now. So inside man.
Don't know, right? I'll tell you more about the
plot and then we might get it, he goes.
You can't leave I I'll fuck. You know too much.
She thinks he's a nonce, but he isn't, right.
He's protecting someone in his congregation.
Even worse, he's not all there. So he's like, Oh my God, I can't
let you leave. And then she's like, please
release me. He's like, I literally can't.
And then his wife or him is like, we're going to have to
kill her. But he's a good guy.
He has to do a bad thing, correct?
Oh, that's the best. But his acting is that good that
I'm not watching and being like, ah, there's an actor playing a
role. This isn't real.
I'm like, this is already tense. And he is that good that he's
almost like a real guy. Yeah.
Do you remember him in Dez? Was that what you called it, the
serial killer? No, it's an actual serial
killer. He played Dez.
I think it's called Dez. I wouldn't be.
Scared of the serial? Killer called Dez.
No, no, I know. That's why they all went back to
his house. Yeah.
I'm dead. He's actually called like Victor
or something. No, but he so the one of the
scenes in the first episode of that is he the police arrive at
his house because there's been like body parts going through
the drains and all and people in the flats have been like found
an elbow this morning. I don't know he'd be able to.
Identify. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's an elbow. And he gets into the police car
and he's in the police car and he just goes, oh, by the way,
got luck in the closet. There's like 12 more bodies.
They go what's in and he goes me, but not anymore.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't think so.
Comes out again. Yeah, yeah, that's the twist.
But it's he's fucking Burlington too.
Yeah, he's good actor. He's a good guy one.
More question No, that says no. Break.
We'll take a break, we'll take a quick break.
We're back in, Dan said 67 minutes earlier called 5 and
he'll be it'll be around that. And then we will be back with a
mystery guest joining us on the Coach for the last hour.
Now, Daniel, after you've counted down, welcome back to
the live stream episode of TV With Me podcast, The Daily Brew.
And we're joined by a new friend.
Not that you're like newly a friend, but you're just on the
couch now. Yes.
And he feels good. He is none other than Kevin
Bartlett. Hello, everybody.
I know your brother's middle names.
Yeah. Maliki.
Gerard Bartlett. Uh huh.
It's Kev Bartlett's middle names.
I've got one from birth and then the way you get to pick one for
your confirmation. Yeah.
So Kevin, Liam. Right Kevin, Liam.
Shaggerbot. I know going to be great.
We're not. It'll be all lies.
And then the other one, the Liam pick the the no, I'll get to
that. But the Liam one, Sorry, fucking
your horses. The the Liam was from my great
grandda who died the night before I was born.
So he might have just jumped into this body and it might be
me back again. And then?
What? You're saying like he dived into
your body or like at the last minute?
Yeah, he just sort of. Yeah, like he saw.
He saw opening his. Own like down the corner.
Do like a cartoon smell up in through the nostrils and then
here I am. Do you have any like like
qualities that are the same the people who go over there?
Charlie, granddaughter. I didn't meet him.
He died. He died.
I'm. Sure, people remember.
Him. OK, well, he was handsome as
fuck. He was really sound.
So he didn't come into your body.
He did go through the keyhole. He.
Didn't come into your body, right Anyway.
And then my other name that I chose for my confirmation is
after Mcgranda. The other one.
The other No. Well, he was Mcgranda.
So this was then. Other one granda is not the not
the term you want. His other grand?
His I don't know whatever, but this one was Mcgranda who was
called Harry. But then the church being the
church that couldn't, there's no St Harry, so it had to be a St
You. Wouldn't take him seriously.
No St. Harry.
No, no, he sounds like far too casual of a.
Saint it's like that we St that they're going on about at the
minute. You know, he's the Saint of the
Internet or something. No.
And he was like 14, no. Hi, hold on, your fella the
computer boy. Robin, Robin.
Hi, what's his name? Robin.
They made it be Italian boy. Weird.
It's weird, Sam. Like you know they have a
photograph of 14. You're telling me there a 14
year old boy who is the patron St of the Internet, Yeah.
He's he's dead. I tell you, become a St.
You have to die first. You can't be a St until you're
dead. And you have to have there's
criteria. You have to have died.
You have to have Donna, you have to have done a miracle that
people can prove has been done and somebody has to waste.
You're alive 20. Four nights ago.
Doesn't have to be while you're alive.
Is that a miracle? You've done a miracle while
you're alive, but another miracle has to have happened
after somebody prayed when you were dead.
So that's the criteria. So.
He's banging her head, going to send a fucking e-mail and it.
Has to be 3 and a three. And said his name and it got you
know what I mean? There's.
A lot of small print to be a seat.
Doesn't he thinks the dumpty works in lost and found in
heaven? It's got we back.
Oh, there he is. As we stamp, we first stamped
and all like a post office. Oh yeah.
I've seen I've seen something about this.
Isn't that the glass cost where it starts?
Fucking mental. That's weird, right?
Yeah, yeah. But.
How do we get here? They're all over the Vatican.
I stayed in the hotel I got in Gatwick Airport.
I'm not. Sure pod like an option.
It was it was a pod and the Japanese guy taking me to the
room that worked there. Slept beside you.
So it was like a hatch. So the front door was like a wee
door you would see on a ship. Right, right.
Like a spaceship or a boat ship. Watership, right?
Down there. And it had a it had a tiny
window like a portal that had like a wee blind.
And as he was like checking me into the room, he goes you like
blind up or blind down for sleep.
I was like, call me mental man, don't because I don't want
people to look in and see me sleep.
But there is apparently I think. It's like kissed on your head or
on your lips. Goodnight.
Robbing your feet? No.
Where was this at? Manchester Airport.
The Night Porter, Bartlett. Go, go over him what I call my
St tracksuit. You know what?
I. Mean I also I am.
I have something to say. What made you say what made you?
Think we were going on about Saints names.
So no, no, no. No was in the far you.
Said. I but because you can't pick
Harry. Oh my God, I thought I just owed
you forbid on my ambassador. I was going.
To be called Henry if I wasn't going to.
Were you? Yep.
And what would you have gone? Would you have gone by Henry or
Harry or Hassie as my? Grandwolves.
Harry's as long as Henry's. Why are people changing?
It's a. Different name too.
It's more relaxed than it. Henry's a wee bit more formal.
King, you wouldn't say you wouldn't say King Harry the 6th
would. You the 8th.
King Henry the Eighth. You're looking at the biggest
team. I don't know.
I don't know, I have no idea. I.
Like Christian name, not Christian name.
What he called corner head chain.
There's a hotel and I think it's Japan or South Korea, one of
those ones. Where I.
Mean. It's done.
Where you can stay in it for free but your room is a live
feed like live stream people can watch online.
You can stay there for free, but people will be watching you
sleeping. Would you?
You can do that like watch my dead body.com.
You're joking. I'm not joking.
Who's making the money to their family?
I. Don't.
Know you would. Though it's all dead, you would
if the moment can. We watch your dead body on
channel 627 all the time. Is it Watch me rot.com?
It's Watch my dead body.com. Something like that, I don't
know, but they I'm up at late at night.
People were like. Watching that, yeah.
People were paid, John. Subscribing to that are like
paying like a payroll to that and your family got that money.
You would do that? Yeah, I think we're.
You don't need to do anything for.
It maybe you could just do the camera from your feet up and
then you can get only fans in there as well.
Yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Watch petals.com. Yeah.
But do you know what people have these requirements for after
they're dead? Like, I want Vilovance at my
wake and I want all the like, you're so dead.
Like, why do you? You won't know?
I'll not be seeing anyone who gives me like things that they
want. I'll not be doing any of this.
What about the burying me under a tree?
Have you seen that? I don't.
I don't want to be all about. You're not allowed to bury
people wherever you want. No, no, no, but no, you get.
Buried again, We've talked about this.
Nobody get buried. And then to put a tree on top of
your show as you feed the tree, apparently.
Yeah, I've. Talked about the mushroom before
people get a mushroom suit. What?
The mushroom suit. What's that?
Well, it's a bit like Ron. Sealed it does exactly what?
It is. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. It'll rot with the body.
Suit made out of mushrooms you just get.
In while people come and pick the mushrooms off you when
they're coming to. Their dead bodies off, their
tits on. Mushrooms.
You. You just.
Absorb into the earth. And you should have a
decomposable coffin too. All that should happen.
Yeah, I'm sure most of them aren't.
Where's all the old graveyards? The.
Hangers are metal are. They onto the ground.
Are they? That's what they want.
You wake up Kev. What I'm saying is, where's all
the dead people from 500 years ago?
Further down. Yeah, just keep going on top.
The, the, the also graveyards years ago wouldn't have had like
a massive like engraved gravestone fucking flashing
lights at night, 14 photographs. All these they weren't signposts
to look at. So they're, they're all over the
place. You just don't see them.
Do you know what I mean? How freaky.
Yeah, like the Army everywhere, you just can't see them.
The Army. They're just about that.
Was just 70s like somebody would.
Have said in the 70s they're everywhere.
You just can't see. Everyone can't see the new
patrol. Chevy globe in the hedge.
My confirmation name had the same sort of thing.
Yes, because mine is Magella. All right.
OK. Are you finished so?
He's here. Daniel's here.
No. Magellan.
Triggered. What do you call the name for a
girl who's like a like a like a wee light loads of dairy term as
well. What do you call like a hood
like a girl who's a hood drug? Are we are we stake like but is
there a girl version down here? And Mellie, Darius and Magella
and Magella is a Millie and dairy.
Yes, but my mass middle name is Magella because I think she must
have got her middle name before the millies became a thing.
You know what I mean? So her my name is Magella.
So I would never believed in gold growing up.
So I was doing a confirmation because that's what you do.
We do believe in God. Please let me in and they were
like, but you what's your middle name?
And I was all I'll do Magella and again they were like that's
not a St and my ma wrote them a letter going sometimes people
call the Virgin Mary Magella. So that's her name.
So my. Virgin Magella.
The Virgin sometimes. Magella is not a.
Never, never heard she. Gets called Madge, yeah, yeah.
So they, my Mamazorden know she's doing Magella because
sometimes they call Mary man. Said they weren't going to let
me be Henry until we looked up and went fine.
If any, oh if any family is going to look it up, it's the
Bartlett. If any family are coming down
rolling 15 deep Garrett on a minibus with documents.
That they have to. Do this with.
Yeah, yeah, it's the Bartlett. It wasn't.
It was rolled out on vellum. The Bart, I guarantee you took
some per civil servant administrator you you had like a
torch, you know, like an old an. Old Lantern micro fishing.
Underneath. Belfast, the libraries.
I believe you'll find 15 of them I.
Believe you'll find. And you're doing in jokes and
all all. They were, they were fucked off
on the when we found him. You know what I mean?
Couldn't tell you what he did or how he became a St, but it was
from way back when. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you could pay your way in the heaven.
Aye, that's the thing, you probably didn't.
That's why they started that criteria.
Then after a while they reckon, no, you have to have had a
miracle. Pay your way.
What's? Your other What's your baptism
name? Maria, do you know Maria Magella
Doherty? See, Marie is good, Emery is
good. Yeah, Magellan, but I don't
like. I'm not fan.
I don't use Jelly, I don't include it in anything.
You ever hear like people being like men having Mary in their
name? No.
Yes. Mary Shelley Frankenstein.
I know what that means is that. Mary Shelley Frankenstein.
Could be. What?
Mary Shelley is a man, isn't it? Don't think so.
It's Frankenstein, the surname. Frankenstein is not a monster.
No, but why have you just said Mary Schelle Frankenstein?
No, oh, Doctor Frankenstein. Is the one who made the
Monstein's. Frankenstein.
Get the pronunciation right, Magella.
Right, It's Frankenstein. But people say people think
Frankenstein is a monster, but he isn't.
He's the man who made it right. But maybe he is the real monster
after all. Oh God, there's so many.
Levels the blue wee holes in my mind there.
Yeah, you didn't do a confirmation show.
You didn't. I came, I came out already
confirmed. I said listen, I'm confirmed.
I'm confirmed on this. Earth they have rubber stamp me
and help confirm me. What name would you choose?
What's what's Saints name? Do you want to be your
confirmation? Well confirm, you know, get the
what? That right?
That's diesel. Diesel of the bin variety,
Humans out. Yeah, no, just something like
cool, you know? Do you know that arcane?
I don't know whether there's the oil of catechumens, it's called.
It's like for anointing the second things or Karen when he
was younger thought it was the oil of Catholic humans.
Very. Good, he wouldn't let that bring
him into the break them into the squeezing room.
Years later, years later, he wouldn't let that go and just be
like you ready, made a mistake, no.
Kevin, I will prove it to you, I believe.
What you're finding, but it was once pronounced Catholic humans.
Fuck you, make an agent out of me.
In the ancient Greek, Kevin, you're like, just have it, man.
Just have it. You made a joke about squeezing
rooms, but they probably do have squeezing rooms, but for all the
reasons. Paul wants to know what's the
worst job you had before comedy or music?
And were you there the day the guy at the call centre was made
to clean out the fridge that was full of maggots?
What do you think it was the Michael Centre?
Somebody's working through some trauma there.
I do remember when I worked in the call centre, there was like
a guy who was like my age, but he was like manager like Gareth
Keenan in the office. And the company was sending out
mailers to like 5000 people on some server.
And it whatever it was, was like important and like separate to
what we were doing. And someone either accidentally
or not excellent accidentally knocked off the plug and the
whole thing like fucked. And it cost them money and time
and all this kind of thing. And this guy just like went gung
ho and blamed it on me. And when you need to no give a
fuck about this job, he came in and went, you need to go across
to the PlayStation. I make it.
I didn't know anything gone wrong, right?
He goes, you need to make a statement, not the PlayStation.
I said about what he went that server got knocked off and you
did it. I went, I didn't, and he went
all right and just left it. I was like, that is the most
mental. I can't believe an entire like
organisation can get taken down because the plug came out.
Plug came out. Like think of a backup sell tape
into the wall. I would never like I would never
do that because that's not in your cleaner for a fridge full
of maggots is not in your job description.
But then you hit the phone. Not much in a call centre do you
might just want the time off to go do that.
Get up and move a better. Did you ever work in a call
centre? No, no, no, I worked in.
The worst job I ever had was selling helium balloons in
Huddersfield. There you go.
Fucking top that one. That's so selling helium
balloons in Harry Potter OR. It's a it's a blue song.
Yeah, yeah, it was the day of Saint Patrick's Day.
Got absolutely fucking wasted, right?
How wasted do? You get where you wake up and
you're like. I'm working.
In. Salesman in Huddersfield.
The last thing you're going to remember was me and Art Declan
sitting at the back of a bar drinking a bottle of Little
Billy's, right? A little.
Tiny button. We cherry glasses and agreed
with this guy from Portadown, I think he was from, that I would
go out and help him sell the helium balloons.
I know no context of who this guy you.
Don't want a bunch of helium, a bunch of helium balloons is
called, it's called a flash, right, Right.
I don't know, I swear to God, and I'm not joking.
And you have to hold the the ribbons down through here
wrapped around that finger and down wrapped around those two
fingers and down here. Hold on, why can this guy not
get anyone to help him in? Oh no, he has everybody.
He has people out in Wakefield and panty fracked.
In their hands. Right, He's he's the, the alien
balloons, right. So.
It's hard to keep it. You feel like a crash course
where it was like this is how you weave the ribbon.
I know about peddlers licences and all right from like ancient
times in England you could walk up and down the street right,
but you couldn't retrace any of your steps.
So you just start on the left hand side of the street, walk
up, take a step to the side and then walk back the way.
For what? Reason the selling, right?
Or then you didn't need a licence, right?
So you're a peddler, you weren't a full salesman or something.
I don't know, right? Who's monitoring that?
What's that? Who's monitoring?
That I tell you what though, I was shitting at myself in case I
retraced. Worst thing of the day was you
couldn't go in for a piss anywhere so imagine having a
hangover. Kev, I haven't seen you in a few
months. Do you take drugs now?
I just ate mushrooms off their bodies.
What was his? Sales pitch where he's like,
will you come and do what made you?
Do what he said. What age?
Were you 20/20/21? Right.
Sales pitch was I'll give you £70 for the day and when you
were a student and you were dead, all because you were
steaming. But you were going to have to
move to Huddersfield. No, no, no, no.
I was a June either that would. Leave with that.
Yeah, because it sounds like a guy from I don't know why even
you've told me it's from ported down arrived in your.
Garden or two. And when?
Well, the Chinese were cheap, you know what I mean.
You just held on to two flashes and got across.
So anyway, somebody came up to me and went you might want to
hold down tighter. And I went away and he goes
because Buzz Lightyear is over there, right?
Buzz Lightyear is a favourite. Oh yeah, it was.
I was like, you're figurine right now.
He's £30. What?
Don't talk to me. That's awful, That's awful.
And does he do anything? He does as we, as we things it
back What? And then he goes the Infinity
and beyond all. Right.
OK, well, that's that's one man. The Infinity and beyond he went.
He went straight past the church tower and everything.
Right. And then somebody offered me
drugs for all as well. How much drugs?
No, no, no. Like what?
Kind of blood. I'll give you this child, but.
The old man came up and goes, What's your poison?
And I'm not, right? And I go, he goes, like, how
much are there? And I goes, they're, you know,
25350 a favour. I still got it.
Do you want to call it? He goes, Right.
Well, like, what would you take? And I went 25350 or a favour.
And he goes, no, what's your poison?
And I went, that's your child in the back of the car.
He goes, yeah, I went fuck awfully.
What did you not? Tick them.
No. But I love how no matter what
you said, there's a chance he might have it.
Like he's just got everything. Like he probably did, right?
You know what I mean? You know what?
I don't know of that because he had a string vest on.
Weird as fuck, right? So anyway, that was probably my
worst job, but the worst thing that happened to me in a job was
I was working in an office in. A By the way, sorry.
Sorry. That guy who was trying to give
you drugs for the helium balloons?
Yeah. How high was he?
I said. Don't you speak to me on that
device. I left.
I had to leave that job. That was great.
I had to leave that job because it couldn't handle the pressure
in the balloons, right? So took off, right?
Yeah. The worst thing that ever
happened to me, though, was when I was working in a construction
company in the office. That's what happened.
And I was that low down the packing order that didn't even
give me a phone, right? So they go round at like
lunchtime and stuff and use other people's phones to phone
out. Right.
Fuck, it was. Terrible.
I know. I swung around and we wheeled
each other and wheeled back across the office floor, grabbed
this old boy's phone was phoning.
And the guy on the other side said something to me like, you
know, whatever. And I went, oh, hang on, I'll
take that down. And I grabbed the pen off the
desk and I was like, right? And then I hung up the phone and
I was sitting and I went and I put the pen under my mouth.
I'm a dirty bastard, have been picking his ear with.
Now the weird thing about that is no, no, you already had it in
your mouth and the juiced he'd been picking his ear with it.
So that means you know what that tastes like.
Yeah. Everybody.
Knows, but you didn't go. What the hell is that?
You went earwax? Everybody's tasted that.
I've never tasted. Earwax as as a parent you've
like shit no. Am I doing it wrong?
Because I haven't done that. I've really elected.
That's all you got to. Have you never heard of a
popsicle? No, hold on.
I regret saying that. Yeah.
It was like the different Bugs Bunny track if when he dresses
up as a woman, no, no, die. Winter ice pin Rocky to bed one
afternoon for his nap and Winter came into bed She she just said
can. You lick this bit of shit,
mommy. Yeah, I think, I think she gave
me her finger and I think she might have maybe gone through
your face, but she'd done that and it was always best go up or
something. I don't know what happened.
I don't know why I would immediately lick her finger or I
think I might have played the game where like I'm not there.
Hey. Getting weirder?
This game getting. Weirder.
You know that game. Hi, you're just like messing
them. I don't know and then I left
checked and then I was all why did you give me your finger and
she was all I was telling you have put you on it because she'd
just been getting potty trained. I like shit, right?
Anybody else thumb your wax or? A few people here have lecture,
I'll tell you. Yeah, Dan hit us with a.
Comment or a question there please.
First you could just said SSC Arena 23rd of May has been
extended. 23rd of May SSC Arena. We have already made it bigger
and will continue to do so while the demand is.
There is that right? Done.
Yeah, we're up to half all night tickets and the chop are in
description. It's going to be a great night.
It's a lot of good things planned I'm.
Going to get my foot fixed, going to moonwalk onto that
stage. The whole show was a tribute to
Michael Jackson. That's a surprise, no?
No, no. No, no, no.
Can you say I have this dance wish?
Who made it? Now had a respect for the
victims, but I could if I needed to.
The people had to watch him dance.
I think he was shit. Shit dancer.
Shit, everything. Do you think so?
I mean, no, people disagree. Sorry, no he wasn't shit.
He was shit like you'd watch from you'd watch.
Thriller, life and go. Shit, he hasn't been enough to.
Help like what do you mean like? You'd watch him do a live
version of Thriller at his peak on stage full production and go
boring. But what the fuck else did he
have to do during the day? Nothing.
What do you know? Anybody.
You're annoyed. You're annoyed that anybody
else? He's good at that.
You're annoyed that Michael Jackson wasn't working in B&M
bargains during the day? He just shows up and does this
fucking. Should be good at anything if
you spent all day on. Nobody kids it probably.
Wasn't, you know, allegedly, but you know what I mean this.
Is the thing. He invented that.
Yeah, yeah. Lick your finger.
What would that game be called? Are you lucky finger?
I'm like a man on my straight pull up.
I lucky finger. That's a reggae artist.
Like a finger. Lucky finger.
Get you in for playing crabby in
the street, It's for lucky Finger.
It has taught me a lesson well. I don't jump to like fingers
now. Yeah, well.
Sniffing. 1st that's that's. Kevin, he likes ears.
The thing about the earwax thing, though, is the
consistency of that in your mouth.
That's hard to get out straight away.
You can't spit that out. But it wasn't like, thick.
No, no, it wasn't like a fucking.
It wasn't in lumps on the end of his pen.
Why did you? You know what I mean?
It was just like a residue. Word.
That word residue is banging, isn't.
It yeah, residue, there's never good.
His pen went off the wall in the 1000 pieces, right?
And he came and he goes, where's my pen?
I goes. There's Butler.
Butler. Chop it in your fucking ear.
You're a dirty eyed bastard. Michael Jackson was unreal.
He was not. He wasn't.
This is a Bartlett trip. Yeah.
They would watch some guy in a leisure centre doing a bad
version of Falling Slowly by Glenn Hansard and be like,
that's perfect, that is perfect. This guy's moonwalk, moonwalk
and doing it all. What he had.
Is he thirsty? He had all the time in the world
to do it. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. Somebody was making his dinner.
Somebody was washing his trunks. No, this is true.
It's like when people say you have the same time of the day as
Beyoncé. No, you don't.
Beyoncé, I think somebody calculated has like 49 hours in
a day. The rest of them she does No,
because if you think we spend she.
Has to be the devil. So we eat it's.
True. Yeah, she's flying on plane.
See, I think she's shit too. She just does a bad version of
Tina Turner. You just don't want to like
mainstream things. I really you know what?
But you want to be. Against you know, how do you
know how on like mainstream? I I think see, even whenever I
go to something that is way far off mainstream, like music or
something, somebody has a popular song, but it's still
it's still not mainstream. So they're a weird.
I don't like that song. I like the B side.
I like going for the deep cuts and that's the one I like.
You're going to go so far that way that you're going to end up
loving Beyoncé again. Yeah, no, because that would be
like no that. Would be even more shocking.
Yeah, see, I can actually feel Chloe Bartlett staring at me now
because I hit Beyoncé so much. She loves her.
They say she's got like 49 hours a day genuine have to think
somebody else calculated because she doesn't have to cook, so she
like saves a lawyer. She doesn't have to like do your
admin like kids shit off their fingers, make lunches and have
to like tidy your house. She doesn't have to wipe her own
hole loads of things she's saving pain.
She doesn't go to shouldn't do groceries.
You know what I mean? No, that's.
Happened, you know it's a great song by her drunken love.
That's a great song. Don't know we be all night what
we done then. I wasn't.
It was the BC. Oh.
No, let's get the snake. Out of a basket, No drunk love.
Look at the Betty for Kev. When you have a bit of that
time, or should I say Uptown, that's between Oscar.
What is Beyoncé? Maybe like 383942?
43. 4343 Jay-Z is like 108. What is Shakira?
The human water. Shakur.
She cares older than you think.
Oh no. 40. 47. Did you even look that up?
Yeah. How did?
You do, whether your hands or face.
He's got a chip. Dan has a chip in his head.
Shakura chip. There's a woman, one of my
favourite. Underneath.
Your clothes there's. A story.
I've never heard on every music, I just.
It goes like this here. There, he knew me Here.
Yeah. That's the deal, my dear.
Yeah. The.
Frog Guy. Yeah, one of my favourite songs
of all time is like this. I want to speak Spanish, Bonita.
I had it on my pregnancy playlist to play when I was
giving birth, but then a. Little bit disrespectful but
Waka Waka, the song for Africa for the World Cup, is performed
by Shakira. Why is that disrespect?
Because it's like. She's.
Away. All right, OK.
It's time for Africa. She's not white.
She's. Not.
White she's. Latin Colombia, Colombia,
Colombia. She's not white.
Well, they know all by the way, that I am.
Say no more. I.
Don't think I, I, I'm honestly not up to date with all my
races, but I don't think she's white.
I don't think so. I think that you're Latin
American. I've been too influenced by
Trump. I only see there's. 22.
Races now. That's it, yeah.
That's it. 500 metres. Yeah.
It's black or white. Yeah.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know.
I control this. Favourite Michael Jackson song
because I was too long. Carry me that's.
A good. 1. Oh, free.
What's? That.
One is. That a better raft.
It's a part of pen. Is it like he's been Titan too
many rats about? This.
Time and sleeps with the fishes. And that one Free the world's
good, Free the world. It's a bad school assembly on
it. And that's not perfect.
Earth so brilliant, but it's nothing with the video.
What's the moment where he turns in the sound that.
Was like a day in my drama. Class.
Wasn't that the one where he was in with Elvis Presley's
daughter, his wife, as some people called her?
Oh yeah? What?
Do you mean was she not his wife?
I. Yeah, but like.
Controversial Kat Williams has that great, but he used to Mike
Jackson was alive when he's like, when's the last time
Michael was in a relationship? You believe he's like, you're
never looking at Mike being like, Mike's fucking the shit
out of her. Oh, it's like an arrangement.
Cindy went and deal with Cindy Crawford that the Grammys was
it. Do you remember?
And it was so stage where everyone's like, Mike, you're
not doing the business, mate. Yeah, yeah, you're not like.
Yeah. Although he had that deep voice
like. And.
When he took off his makeup. I was makeup.
Oh I get, I mean he didn't look better probably when he took his
makeup off. I think he would look better
without his makeup. I think Michael Jackson looked
better without his makeup there, I said.
I don't know, I think shite, I'll always come back to it.
Yeah. Is there anybody else that you
think like the other world renowned and you go well, I
think? Prince is great but I know a lot
of people are like Nah. No, I think that fucker could
play the He could, yeah. Bruce Springsteen.
Oh shite. You like him?
The boss couldn't. Care couldn't care less.
No, he's great. Do you ain't going to.
Say not doing that do. You ain't going to say in April.
Best band of all time Sugar babes.
Go away, go to SIM Belfast. They're not sure.
It can't be the. Best I said of all time which
which version are you going to see?
Oh the OJ. Regional Oh, oh I.
Don't. Know but then.
What about what happens to the ones that were in at last?
Do they just get told like you're not a sugar babe anymore?
Well I think they cannot. They can go off and be the sugar
babies or something if they want because there's like enough to
form 3 bands. Well, if they got all the sugar
babes, that'd be fun it. Would be S Club 9.
It would look like they were recording We Are the World.
It was mad when there were just none of the original ones in it.
I know the three you start like was they started the man they
named themselves Mucha Buena. I'm not Susha.
Haley was her one called Haley. She came in later on, she was
longer and then there was what there.
Was what can. I.
Say the other one no. No.
You're trying to describe her and.
You're at the ginger one. No, that's what's.
Going to say. S.
Siobhan Siobhan. And your name's?
Name Microchip. Head down.
Again. All.
Three All three of the original sugar babes look like they have
and will again bottle someone. Yeah, they're 100%.
All so rough. Which is the.
Best songs weren't with the original group.
True. Now that's a.
Controversial. Take care, Bartlett.
What's up? That's a controversial take.
Push the button, push. The I'm going back to the rest.
I think in 10 years you're going to be blocked in bars around
Belfast saying that. Now you listen to me.
Yeah, non, I am so original lineup.
All the best songs. Just let me in the door.
Overload. That's a good one.
They're all push. The button.
Push the buttons a little. That's that's not the OG setup.
Right, right. Right.
They're fucking brilliant. I think they're me and Sean's
both going. Sean loves them as well.
Well, plan. Ulster Hall movie.
I actually think they may be doing the SSE.
There's no way that's where I'm going SSE.
Dan, would you question? Please.
Yeah, Kieran wants to know. Doing a Watkins batter foil side
or Rushmere? Now this is a hot topic because
there's a lot of cities with two shopping centres in direct
competition. Example Butter Crane and the
Cajun Yuri side by side. Where do you go?
So what was the 4th side of Richmond?
Rushmere So Rushmere is the big shopping centre in Gregavin.
I thought it was Richmond. No, Richmond Centre isn't Derry
and Foresight, but this is the one in Craigavon and the one in
Derry. Yes, my present and my past I
whenever I did whatever I did Top Model right 100,000 years
ago, I was so. Crazy that you don't talk about
that in your. ACT everyone tells me that I had
this conversation with Neil Delmarie.
It's always like because I. Have some you know this with,
you know. Seriously.
And I'm. Britain and Ireland's Next Top
Model. No, I was in it and it wasn't
every very long was there for a couple of weeks yet so.
You. Know if I had been in Britain
and Ireland's Next Top Model in when was it 2000?
Eight, you believe in yourself. I'd have a tattoo of it.
Yeah. It's hard to do a better
material going when I used to be a model, you know?
You can be. You can take the piss.
I know, I know, I know, I know. I'll figure I'll figure
something out. I have bets about it that I've
written, but I've always just went.
This isn't this is just makes me sound like I want me on hold
because. Then you can say but my
forehead. Yeah, but look at my foot.
That's why they kicked me. Out.
When I was doing Top Model, somebody, it's on the fucking
show as well, and someone says something about, do you remember
the presidents on the side of Mount Rushmore?
So somebody was talking about that and I was like, so
confused. And I went, that's so mad
because I don't think I've seen the president's faces on it.
And they were like, wait, when I saw will I live right beside
that? Like it's right beside me.
And I was like, you don't live by much more.
I thought where I do, it's also around the corner for me.
It's like it's a 3 minute drive. I don't really live there for a
year. And I thought it was called much
more. And then I obviously met
Rushmere and I know, and then another time as well.
There's a fucking another clip on it for me talking about I was
confused about how many humps the camel has trying to figure
out like we were in Dubai and I was.
Like this, by the way, doing nothing up the stereotype of
models. No, I know, I know, I'm all.
It's got 3 humps otherwise. Where you sitting anyway?
And but. Did you get into an argument
about it? Yeah, without like an argument.
What was the straw? The other.
Girl was like, it's a cat. It's a cat.
What did you? Say he says, what was the straw
that. Broke the camel's leg rushmere's
a better. Shot need to take the hump.
All right, go on. That's.
Right. What gives?
Rushmere is a better shovel than Nandos.
It is not doesn't have Nandos there.
He has Nandos. Rushmere has Nandos.
No it doesn't. Yeah, it does.
He'll know. I oh it does.
It's because it's outside. There's no access to it from
within the Chapman Centre. Aw, you turn into a Bartlett for
a second there, I think you'll find that.
Actually went further than I was.
Comfortable with the blueprints of the.
And you know Kieran would have those up his sleeve.
How are you going to get the blueprint I?
Wasn't prepared for. This prison break has some
tattooed on his back. I would love it if you're here.
Had to rush me here. Playbrand's tattoo.
Blueprint Bartley. A couple of presents on his left
shoulder. That's class.
They're pumping money like fuck Andy, rush me at the minute, all
sorts of new shit. There's no rituals, there's no a
mango, there's no yeah Pandora, there's no people.
Down our needles. Subway.
I don't. Know what?
People come from all over the flock, from far, from our man I.
Need an wood candle? Yeah.
They know I see in Rushmere once a month and it's so bizarre that
we happen to be at the same time Talal.
Talal Jamar. Oh like him with his partner and
his kids. We always bump into them like
the merry go round bets where the kids play.
It's bizarre. I feel like they are there all
the time waiting us for to do right.
But rush me should get champs it I'm rarely in Foy side.
He had shot. Shopping and shake.
I hate Chapman too. Fuck.
Me. It's all on the line.
Want to see me losing my shit? I do.
I do.
What? Like a fair pair of jeans.
I went into that all sense when I had the weight off and went in
to get a pair of jeans, the one in Victoria Square.
That's a very expensive pair of jeans.
I know these ones made me look like I'd fucking rackets, right?
They were twisted. Have you seen those?
They were twisted jeans. It looked like I had been
selling drugs and somebody got to me, right?
And you're with this three years ago?
When you had to wait. It was before the planet started
coming closer to me when I had my own gravitational pool like
twisted. Jeans were quite.
Quite a while. Victoria Square was open.
How long has that been? They're still open now.
I but I mean how long they opened two?
1008. Yeah, well, in the last, in the
last since they opened an. Eye down, close your eyes and
give us the answer. 2005. There you go.
So between 2005 and 9, have you have you noticed like that
you're losing time? No.
Does anybody else feel that where you go, somebody goes that
happened two years ago and you go, oh, yes, fucking dead man.
Oh. Definitely.
Yeah, it's. Still, my heaven, it's over a
lot of stuff, you know what I mean?
Just sort of chart. Kev, where's your?
Favourite to like, get spice, What's up?
Where's your favourite place to get spice?
No, see that. I'll tell you about the sugar
babes in a second. Time's going awful quick at the
minute, isn't it? Yeah, but yeah, I think that I I
never know when anything is. Say someone who's what month I
go listen, I don't know the day of the week.
Yeah, the month. Anyway.
Or anything. Sure, simple, but also it's
technology. We don't need that part of our
brain. Do you remember things you ask
anyone who's 60 plus? Oh, do you remember about the
black? Oh, the last storm, The biggest
storm I remember was summer of 80. 2.
They know everyone they know. Yeah, and they know all that
stuff, but they remember like like I can't really remember the
most of the time. I don't remember which year I
got married. It's one of the two you don't
remember exactly how you and that's really like 7 or 8 or 9
or something. It's not that long.
But I genuinely always forget to forget the date and the month
and all the time because we don't need to remember those
things our phones do at first. I don't know 6 directions.
Like if I asked my father-in-law, you would get in
the car to go to drive somewhere and I'm getting Valley, Castle,
whatever. And he goes, right?
The thing you do, you get out of the car, turn it on and then
start. I feel like these are two
details. No, but he's like go down to the
end row, take a third left and don't worry about it.
I'm obviously going to stick it. My sat NAV and he's like just
third left. Keep going down to when you get
the run, I'm gonna stick it. I'm not gonna right.
I'm singing a song in my head as you're giving me these
directions. I'm not listening and they know
how to get everywhere. I'm good at directions.
I'm like really good at directions.
I know how to get the Huddersfield balloons right.
The thing, I think it's because every day might seem the same.
There's a lot of it semi, you know what I mean?
And there's only one or two big moments that punctuate it here
and make it feel like something. How many do you really have left
too? Here, listen, it's.
No. How many do?
You. I've got it planned.
It's either a mushroom bag, yes, or under a tree, yes.
Yes, What about under a tree in a mushroom suit?
What about it? One of Christy Moore's best
albums. Yeah, have you heard of his new
album? I saw a video of him recently
where he was raging people for like clapping during the show.
Yeah, I've been at a show of his where he's done that.
Yeah. He's been filming.
People going to the toilet, people filming.
If you get your phone out, you're.
It's like you're. Yeah.
But that person shouldn't have been shitting in the front row.
That's fair. Hey I was there and I think he
stopped in the middle of right on because he was like stop
singing. Yeah.
Was this in the waterfront? No.
Our mastery hotel, right? He was like, stop singing along.
You aren't as good a singer as. Me.
Oh, I've seen him doing that. I always took that as a wee.
What did you say? Huh.
What did you say? I said he was in his room.
Yeah, I've seen him doing that and I always take it as a wee
bit of a banter's thing, right? Is he like a Roy Keane type
figure? Is he playing into this grumpy?
I don't know, but I've seen him. Somebody, somebody shouted out
something one night when me and Tiger were down monster on the
waterfront and some guy shouted out.
He turned around to the other guy who's playing with and he
goes, what's the next chord? As a bit of a joke, you know,
And your man will. Karen Yeah.
G Christian. From the flat Christian and some
guy goes in the front row and there have been banter going on
and on, right? Some guy goes 40 LB for ticket.
You don't know the next chord. Everybody laughed and he played
on and then he just stopped me. Like get out, fuck the guy out,
the guy's going, you sure go and get your money back.
Don't like you go and get your money back.
And then it meant it just fucking killed.
Didn't give it, but can he take? No.
My my dad went to save him in the money for him and he
wouldn't let the bar be open in interval.
Because. He's super well not know when I
see him in our My City Hotel. We can't bring drink in.
We couldn't there, but he obviously has I.
Wouldn't mind that the bar being closed during.
Interval. Oh, no during the interval.
No, during the interval. He would not let the bar
obviously. Obviously would have had to have
paid a supplement for that to happen.
But Oh yeah, yeah. Because he didn't want people
drinking at the gig, he was on a sober spell.
Oh, he is. Yeah, he is.
Yeah. He.
Can remember the chords now. It was after that night.
Yeah. What's your favourite Christy
Mercial? And then what's mine's Nancy
spin? Yeah, it was a good one.
Mine is. Free Nelson Mandela.
You were saying free falling? What one do you like?
I like the one about the Spanish span.
What is it? Nancy Span.
No. Spanish lady.
Viva la cuenta brigado. Yeah.
That's a good. One, that's a great. 1.
B's Wing scooter. It's not his song.
None of it is every song start to have a.
Song called Let me do this, Thompson, who sang.
I also sorry. Sorry, I can't remember.
No. Sorry, I also love now his song
but I love Black is the colour. That's hard one to sing though.
I want to get the vibrate for you.
If you want a really sombre song, listen to Quiet
Desperation for. Me.
I actually shouted that out in our City Hotel.
I'm like, could you do quiet desperation?
The gig have been over for three.
Hours. To stand on the public toilets.
Is it his? No.
No toilet roll left. It was in quiet desperation.
And yeah, it's his. Well, no.
Every song started to him going. This, yeah.
Yeah, I went up to him after a show.
And I have this song. I asked if I could have it, and
he was like, oh, I'm not too sure, but I was like, Nah, just
give me it. And then he was like, OK, so
here's the song. Yeah.
I'm. Going.
To do that or getting cool rain tonight, be like this bit of
material, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I asked. This is Dave Alley.
It's material, but he's given me.
Yeah. Be covered.
Everyone. That's what Christy murders
before he does. Very tale of New York as well
when he says he goes, we went over to your man Shane McGowan,
yeah, in a bar in New York and that when he and asked could he
have the song Cheeky Bastard isn't.
It but he must have to write it down.
No, that's what he used to do, you see, back in the day,
because he. Don't write things down now.
There's no way to remember it with a quill, No, you know what
I mean? But that's what they said.
They used to have to keep going back to the folk clubs to get
the next line because they would have only got so far.
And then they'll go the next night, right?
The next. Couple of that was like me in
the 90s when the Top 40 was on. You're like trying to make the
lyrics. Yeah, it's, but he, he, he used
to be one of my favourites. He's my actual favourites.
David Grey. I know.
His new albums I'm just dropping.
I'll tell you what he did a session on Virgin and he played
a cover of Rod Stewart. What song?
Maggie May? No, No.
Handbags and Gladrag. No, keep going.
Keep going. That's the only two Rod Stewart
songs I know, and it kicks a football.
Was the first cut is the deepest movie I think.
It was. I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk, yeah. What was the song they said he
couldn't do 2 hours of? Pods, whether we break in
between, I said, I'll show you it's brilliant and then.
He's the albums like just a plug for him because because he needs
help. He needs the help.
I bought the album on vinyl on gold limited edition vinyl.
It hasn't even been opened. I'm waiting for a moment.
It's so horny do. You know what?
What's? Going to be the moment.
What's up? What's going to be the moment?
Well, there's going to be a negligee involved and.
On who? Well.
Well, I not on me, I only wear Chanel #5 so I'm going to stop.
By the way, he's just named about 5 Rod Stewart songs there
that are all bangers. I don't realise we're all watch
shirt songs. I'm definitely gonna go listen.
Ceiling. And stuff with the faces as
well. What you mean that's the song?
No, he had a sidebound. This thing where he's only
singing, he does. He's be faces.
He had a sidebound as well. Is it the faces?
I don't know, Rod Shirt. Yes, it's you go park.
That's not him singing. I wish I knew what and you know,
when I was younger, did. You know, under pressure by
Queen, some of it's David Boies. Which bets?
Yeah, yeah, that's that's well known.
Kiff isn't, but David Bowie hated it.
Yeah. He's not on the he's.
Not on. But don't do the full song and
then be like 01 of you. Don't be saying I was involved
for that. No, made a shoe at you on the
vocals. You had to have been in a yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But I never, I never knew.
I like, I like stuff. I got like a homecoming.
Kanye West was recording, I want to say an Abbey Road and
Coldplay were in the building cutting their album at the same
time. Kanye went up to Chris Martin
was like, do this course for me, please.
Well, that happened at a house party of Kanye's when he was
Jimmy Fox. Yeah, slow jams.
My favourite Kanye song ever. Fucking to me.
I remember watching that in T4. I'm being in bed in a Sunday
morning going this. One of the best songs ever.
So jams, So jams and through the wire are to my favourite.
Twist. Can you see?
Your whole hands you ain't got no man I.
Would say Kanye is up over Michael Jackson.
Kanye, I think it's better. Oh, Kev, no.
I'm floating above the rest of you.
He I think, yeah, because. You've got, you still got your
alien Blues and I'm going to shoot them down, you said about
Kanye. Look.
He has a lot of shit, a lot of shit so.
Yeah. A lot of them.
I can't, I couldn't. All amazing.
Couldn't honestly tell you one of the songs.
He's a lot of fun. Nope.
That's probably not a good do you?
Know the original. Yeah, when he has the wireless.
1. No, no, no, as in the sample he
took. No.
It's is it Gloria Estefan? I'm going to isolate that
though. I'm going to watch this back and
you're going on some sort of track as a sample sounds.
That was a great era with all those chipmunk vocals.
Oh. Yeah.
Everyone was. Just doing that, I love that
area of music. I.
I prefer the one just before that where the wore puffet
jackets and looked in the face lenses.
Face eye lenses. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like what do you call that boys?
Steno E 17 Yeah. All that Beastie Boys.
Yeah, who else did that? Your woman, Missy Elliot know?
Oh, really? Should look like a wee bomb.
Yeah, and TLC done it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All. Right P.
TLC. Left eye.
Yeah, no, Why isn't she in a mushroom?
Mushroom is it? Done any other business?
Eh, just a question just came in there from Amory the Chin.
See that He's listed as Comedian of the Year, EH nominee for the
Ticketmaster Awards. I tell you one thing about she
and Todd, he has a burner called Amory.
Don't do a lot of he don't do a lot of saying all that kind of
stuff. Who's sorry?
Sometimes She and Todd low key. I got shortlisted for
Ticketmaster Comedian of the Year.
Yeah, where's where? Was this called yesterday?
Who else is on the shortlist? We let's see what your chance.
People who have a chance of winning or Paul Smith, Catherine
Ryan. Tommy Tiernan, Kyler Cobbler,
John Fucking. Great.
Jimmy Carr Firm, Brady Company, Brittany Broski.
To be honest, a public vote. It was yesterday when it was up
in hospital assault. So it was like, I haven't, I
haven't shared it out or anything, but I don't know why.
So part of me you feel like you absolutely should just share
that link and be like, as you get a chance to vote.
There's still maybe it's the being from here thing.
Although. You just feel weird sometimes.
How did that come about? Is it?
Like a Ticketmaster 50. 1000 lbs.
Like a public vote? Or was it like?
Ticketmaster just made the shortlist and then it's a public
vote no. It's no.
It's public vote. And how long have we got like?
A campaign. I don't know any.
I promise you I. Don't know, I haven't looked it
up. But I will, I will just get my
head out of my. That is very exciting.
Yeah, yeah, that's cool. That's and when does the winner
be announced? I don't know.
I don't. Know does the self doubt get you
eh? Does the what?
No. Self doubt.
Get. Do you mean like I'm not doing
the right thing in terms of profession?
Oh, no, I know you're doing the right stuff there.
No. But you know when you're like
going I'm a, should it be doing that or am I letting on here?
No, I I don't. Get.
I don't get a posture syndrome. No, no, I and I don't know if
that many people really do. I think there's times where you
go like, God, everyone here is brilliant, but I think stand up
especially is a job. If you have imposter syndrome, I
think you can do. I don't think you'd be doing
stand up because it takes that much confidence, whether you're
an introvert or an extrovert to go.
I'm getting up on stage. You make these people laugh.
Yeah. I think there's genuinely
something to be said and how you were raised as well.
Like my mind, I used to genuinely tell me every day I
could do anything I wanted a big like you could achieve big
things and I grew up going I can do what I want.
Like, I didn't have limits on what I thought I could achieve
if I worked really hard at it and learnt the skill or done
whatever I wanted to do. I always thought, oh, all the
doors are open. Yeah.
So I grew up thinking that,
yeah. I was kept the coal bunker.
Were you? Fed across the bread and dry
water. Sulphur dry water I, I don't get
in pasture syndrome, but I do get gender syndrome.
In most rooms. It is me and guys and I wish
there was more girls here gender syndrome like it's in like I
often be like, oh, I'm the only girl sitting here and it usually
is. You have to pedal harder.
That's the facts. That's the facts.
I get I get overabundance syndrome where I'm like I'm the
best. Like I should be wearing these
twisted jeans but I'm the best. They're racking the knees only
you know what I mean. Yeah, I've come a long way
chosen. I think I've come a long way
from from from selling helium balloons and.
Yeah, I don't. I mean, I think everyone gets
the thing where you're like, go like I'll get away this for as
long as I can, like a job, but I don't feel like I shouldn't.
Be no why I I know. So I don't know, but the the
Tiger Master thing, yeah, it's that's great.
I've never won anything like it before.
But you don't even like. Now I'm going to bring up
something that sounds like I'm figuring out a way to bring it
up, but only because the context this conversation so where last
time I did operos. I had called.
They were like. You've done.
You. You've, like broken a big record
here. Yeah, Yeah.
And there was an option of do you want to do like, A at the
end of the last show, like a live presentation at the end of
the show? And I was like, just feels like
it should just be the. I just want to show.
A live presentation or what? They they come out and give you
something. You should have.
And what would they come out and give you?
I guess like. See, because it's Belfast,
they've come out and went well. I'm catch yourself.
Who's slap around here? Get ahead.
Of yourself. Give me a mug from the tea room.
You know what I mean. You want a cup?
One of my favourite cups is the mugs game from the Kelly Show.
I have one of the original. I won the mugs game I.
Didn't know that is that. Is General the mugs game?
So you Jerry Kelly used to have a chat show on ITV?
When he got out of the cash. Different.
GK Sorry, sorry, right. He used to play a thing called
the Most Game and it was like the highlight of the show.
Here's what the Most Game was. I'm not making some GK at 5
mugs. We read ball.
He would put the cup over a ball and then mix up all the cups.
Ego listen. I could probably tell you the
end of. This 1234 or five, go for it and
you will go. You do not want that ball.
Oh, you don't want the ball? Or you're trying to get all four
of the other ones without the ball?
That's harder. So we, so I I'd gone on his show
Radio Ulster years ago and talked about a much grown up.
I loved his show and I have this thing because compared to a lot
of like guys, you've been on TV for a long time, especially back
then, I look like a young cheeky child.
They always thought I was taking the piss if I was genuinely
like, I grew up watching this. I love the show.
Yeah, especially when you're a comedian.
They wait for a punchline. Yeah, and they also think you're
like 14. Yeah, you're like, I'm like, no,
I love this. Like used to watching my granny
grand's house Friday nights, that and get my hairpiece.
I was like, I love a huge part of my childhood.
So after a while he realised like always being genuine.
So they asked me as part of really Ulster promo years ago,
would you want to do the mugs game with Jerry like in Ready
Wall Street, set it up and all. And I was like, of course.
And he brought the original mugs and I I got it.
I got right down to the last mugs.
So I won it. And everyone's like, everyone's
like you did you like this was set up?
And I was like, don't you fucking dare, Don't you fucking
dare. Jerry wouldn't do that to the
integrity of the mugs game. Is this the thing you won?
So I got the mug and it's an original mug from like the 90s
early naughties that says. Uh.
Jerry Kelly says I won the mug scheme.
That's. I love.
Epic. I love that.
So what I remember about Jerry Kelly the night he had Garth
Brookshire and I genuinely could not believe that I was breathing
in the same air in Belfast as Garth Brooks.
He weren't, you know what I mean?
He was just playing him on the radio.
No, no, no, no, no care about him.
Live on the Gerry Kelly show in Havelock House.
And I, all I wanted to do was ask one of our ones to drive us
down the town, but I knew they'd just go fuck up and watch the
show, you know what I mean? But I could maybe see him.
Maybe they'll notice. What did you say you?
Thought he was going to fuck you.
Well, you know what I mean. Just go up and give him a
finger. What's 2025?
Well, there is books. What's your 2025 goal?
OK. Final question.
Yeah, what's your 25 goal? 2025.
The way you say 202525 is annoying.
It's a zoom of me saying EDITING.
Edit. Oh no, editors.
Spell. It.
Oh, get that editors, It's too many.
Too many yes, I said it too fast. 2025 What's your goal?
2025 is since to really smell. Yeah, working on it as we speak.
Helium Blue. Space.
Yeah. Yeah.
All Bee Gees. Yeah.
What about you? All original music.
Kev all original, original. I may put on a wee Easter egg,
but I haven't made-up my mind what one to do yet.
That's. Exciting Wacka Wacka for Africa
by Shakira. Only if I can squeeze under
those pants. But I'm I know I've put the
weird on again. What's your goal?
2025. Besides one Ticketmaster I got
to. See things.
I swear to you I can't, but I don't because.
Things just happened to me. But if you see if you see if you
have them and then you don't get it.
Disappointed. Disappointed.
That is true. You just work hard and try and
make the right decisions and then the stuff that would be a
goal you'll get, but it'll be unexpected.
Kevin Hart's friend talking. To you right now.
Hustle, loyalty. Respect.
Yeah, my goal is to be a better die.
I'm going to be a good die this year.
You're going to be bless. I don't know.
I'm going to do some more shows, need to get some more.
I've done the the likes of Creed Bratton and Darren Noon and Kev
in the. Just sorry, just before we do
that, what's your goal? Deal 2025.
I just said it was to be a better die.
Before we are playing. I don't actually have one.
Before we are playing. Oh, no, mature.
I'm going to plug it. That's why.
Yes, that's why I brought that up.
Yeah, dude, I'm on TER. Get your pink back this May and
June and Edinburgh French. How do people get tickets for?
Dmidori.co.uk or just all the places do you know what I mean?
Google it. It's mad people messaging go
where do you get tickets can. You get tickets on.
By the time you to message me that you could just Google.
Yes you can. I'm sure speaking weird I'm on
the radar though. While you're there, folks.
Kev, do you have anything you want?
To just come and see me plan and then keep an eye out what's up
in the thirsty goat and the Fiddlers open crumbling and then
keep an eye out from a beggar shows on A1.
But I'm for people. Speaking of big shows, May 21st.
23rd close. Yeah, 23rd don't put the chip in
after SSC Arena. Tea with me live.
Going to be a wild night. Here, so it's going to be big
battle that night. I'm in Lisburn Island Dart
Centre on the same night. Make your guys make your choice.
What night is. It 20 What day is it?
Friday it's. A Friday I'm going to be fuck
the two of you. Same on the Thursday go bombed
out. Kev, you're just for a go,
folks. Oh yeah, Actually, you're going
to show what Garrett name? I was taking about gardening
down in the limelight there recently and I was there all
day. Somebody I was down from half 10
in the morning, half 10 in the morning.
Somebody told me that it was on before noon.