I'm Michael. Che and I'm Colin Jose, and
we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like our hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock, exactly how it's called
New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features
drop in comic. Boom, you nail.
Into Michael Che's phone. Nervous.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing,
and it's streaming now only on Peacock.
You love it. Zippers welcome to this episode
of the teams me podcast with me, she and Todd episode number down
145 just like that 145 episodes hundreds upon hundreds of hours
of talking shit and here we are with my guest Mickey Bartlett.
But before we get to the what was the?
Point. We're sponsored by Thompson's
Tea. These guys never.
Mind them. What about fucking Punjana?
What's the point? Why do you?
These are the guys that knock out Punjana.
And why do I hear I'm a Thompson myself?
Oh yeah, Thompson's tea quality. Quality Fuck.
Say I come up by edit, that's why I said that and then send
them in. These guys have been, you know,
you know, Punjana, you love it. Snowing Island's number one
selling tea. They've been making it sense.
You'll know this. The late when did they start?
They adopt. I believe that one one be.
Invented the bag. Before that it was just hey
everywhere and they were like, now I put a wee bag.
Yeah, he started off as a rucksack, actually.
Should just. Change his name to the OG team.
Again, say I said that. So yeah, these guys, but.
John, unless I have a podcast as well, call me.
Don't edit that out, pyjama. We don't have a desk phone call
for this one of a promo code. Just just keep, just keep doing
what you're doing. Keep drinking it, keep enjoying
it. Saw a guy at a shop, yes like
literally last night in a spar who let me off the IP bag with a
charging me. So bad news for the environment,
good news for the podcast. But just keep drinking Punjana.
Since the late 1800s, these guys been run on a boat, you know,
getting up to all sorts, mainly making tea.
But the Thompson's family do it all themselves.
They taste it by mouth. They taste it on the tea by
mouth. That's handy.
Oh, not a lot. A lot of the others died.
Yeah. Yeah, right here.
Don't even them lions. Set.
Oh, listen. To it sounds fine.
Oh, Tetley snorted. Things I know about them, I
could bring them that whole fucking operation.
Do Pyjama love it? Yeah.
We're also sponsored by Manscape.
New Year, new year and all that. Me and Mickey were just saying
we need to sort. I need to sort things out and
not something like that's conversation.
You couldn't have five, 5-10 years with two guys, 2 fellas.
Two comedians don't with their Dicks.
Nah, not not back then. We didn't sort it out.
We need to sort it out. Manscape that.
You look at those spots on the podcast, since pussy was a
kitten, they've got Paul Clanser.
There was a there was a woman. Whose pussy was a kitten?
The Jimmy The Jimmy Savile biography.
Fuck me pussy. Was a kitten now then manscaped.
Snoop Dogg was a pup. My.
My I used to fix this woman's car.
She was like in her 80s and she would always work in this.
I think it was just a fuck would be she'd always work in the
sentence since I haven't seen you since pussy was a kid and it
was like, I can't say that to me.
I used to help me all that. He was in her 80s as well, but
she just said horribly racist things and words left the words.
Yeah, yeah. D.
Yeah, what's bad? Rhymes with barky.
Manscape have ball cleanser, ball deodorant, ball wipes, ball
deodorant, ball deodorant shit. Yeah, I'd be in that.
My I don't really, I don't think we're I don't think.
But no, I've I've got a situation going on right now
like I didn't even ball shit properly.
I might go to Turkish guy. I'm.
Actually more 4.2. Yeah, I think 4 is up to four
point. 2 It's a four point after the 3.2, a lot of chat in the
industry was where do you go? Next.
Yeah. Do you order a 3.5 by the way?
Jackass did, Yeah. Or you just go right at the four
I heard. That Speaking of us so you're
bottom like. Two does your bottom 2.
Does everything, Mitt. Is there a stickle?
Does your taxes what you know? Like the bomb, the bomb disposal
things. When you're doing your ass is a
beep like a lawyer reversing. What you're asking the masking?
Wouldn't that be a print? Sorry, I've done my own for like
2 weeks, but I'm just about you in your bathroom, right?
All good, whatever, right? Then you just, I don't know.
It's a good idea. 5 point, have a beep.
Did you just know? Yeah, put one of your arms up,
all right. Killer hooker.
Manscape user called tea with me for 20% off and free shipping.
The links in the bio move into the new year right?
That's not the right way to move into the new year.
Manscape sort your whole lot. Exactly.
My guest is probably oh, last. In fact, I said this to you last
time when I was like, who else is like big from Logan?
But we worked out at you, Neil Lennon.
Called it off and you know. Political prisoner or?
Whatever I think I'm the best at stand up out of those 3, right?
What? What's the What's have you ever
got? We all.
Killed our own fields. Have you ever got anything in
Logan? As I can not sure anything on
that field and there's no actual proof that the killing happened
there, which is that's what the bodies were right and then call
it off He's the. Last time Patty McDonald was on
the podcast told the story about Neil Lennon, he said Patty said.
Patty said. Let me paraphrase this with
Patty, said they. Don't follow me and Patty's
doing. I'm working on a scaffolding up
and fought on twin twin Brooke and then follow me.
That's all party. As he fought on me and him pain
all. That's what Patty not very good.
That's more believable. It's actually, yeah, Patty said.
He was at Roy Kane's first match for Celtic and he was giving
Kane a bit of abuse. But two weeks later he met me.
Then I. Don't know.
I just want to say movie jealous.
Sorry. I literally haven't talked
anybody into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go ahead. Neither by so he he basically
said that he was giving Kane abuse all much.
And then a couple of weeks later he went to meet Nate Lennon
outside Celtic Park to get a Brookside.
And then Neil Lennon was like, and if this happened, it should
be a film. Neil Lennon's like, yeah, mate,
the books in the back of the car.
Patty got in. Roy Keane was in the boot, just
got Patty in a headlock from the back seat and said you bet Said
you bet. He did say right, right or
wrong, he said this. Something along these lines.
King got him in the head. I was like.
Talk to me like that again. Again.
What came from Trinidad and Tobago in there?
You said you're just getting into football like it's a new
thing. Yeah, I bought FIFA because I
don't want to watch football, so I bought FIFA thinking I'm bound
to learn a few players names. But who you trying to impress?
My girlfriend, she's starting to realise I'm not a real man.
I'd be like, I thought. Have you been?
Why have you been on your own for two weeks?
Just Christmas. Just.
Well. Those, yeah, it was just like
because all the was there. I don't know if there's more
restrictions or not, but it just ended up setting them flat like
in the flat wasn't really hard. What's the coolest thing you've
ever got free in Logan? Because your fame, you ever been
in the shop and got, you know, Mr Bartley, your money's no good
here or. I think maybe the odd pint,
maybe. For as in someone comes up, I
got you this or the bar, the bar.
Don't worry about that. I think that's about it.
There's not really much to get free in Logan.
Logan Yeah. Is your car dealership or?
No, no, that'll be right. Like I did.
I did go to a car dealership. I don't know, if I was telling
you this, I would say a car dealership.
The faggot. Fishing rod.
What? We on the.
No, I don't know if I could yes. So basically I'd I've been sent
it for you just on a podcast that after the Oster Hall shows,
I was like, I'm going to go straight in our dealership and
just buy an Rd. Yes, I was told I was.
Buying a fucking Rd and I had grossly misjudged how much I was
getting paid by. Like a lot, I think.
You you, you said it was already used to me.
You were like multiple I think you said.
You're just Audi, the whole fucking thing.
I was going to be all first thing.
Walksburg and Dirk technique. We're changing that.
See them four rings. We'll make one big ring just
back to the car going right but but.
You should work an advertise. First add first add big ring
line of coke right then I'm sitting on the bonnet all day.
Get it in the. Dark technique.
Yeah, it's Irish. That's just pick up the Quail
talk. But also I've quit smoking.
So I'm now now I no longer have a smoker's cough.
I have my lungs or halen cough. Let me, I want to ask you about
that, but what did you do in the car dealership?
So gross misjudgements. I was getting paid and then I
thought I'll go in anyway, right, Because I in my head I
was like, I was going to walk into the Audi dealership and be
like, I've got 30 grand. I'll play with, like to play
with. And I didn't like even fucking
nearly have that much right. So it didn't and it was like
like, don't you're like looking at the top of the range one in
the shop, like maybe like I was just it was.
Just behind the back, yeah. Whistle.
Kick the tyre, Kick the tyre a wee bit.
Not too hard, just. Like check my hair than wearing
them. Saying, will she take it?
You don't know what you're doing.
You don't know what it is. In my head straight away, it's
almost like Monahan, he takes you through a back door.
There's a woman tied up because again, watching murder
documentaries. But I so basically in my head, I
was going out of dealership of 30 grand to play with and I went
in and I went the guy was like, what do you author is like like
maybe second or third hand. They're a very used and he was
like what sort of budget I went. I've about 8 grand, I still
thought he would go 8 grand and he just looked at me as if to
say so does everybody like I think I was a woman of 34 years.
Major realised all people save. Yeah, yeah, I have no idea.
I have 8 grand to play with. You're not playing with it And
what they was able to help you or did he just advise you to
just. He went, there's a 10 year old
one there for and I was like, oh, think about it, didn't want
to admit. You're like, does she take her?
No, she doesn't. Take it, doesn't take anything,
give you an already fucking steering wheel cover if you want
to. Do you want a key?
Ring me, man. You're like, no, we'll take a
case. Yeah, I think.
I think there's definitely like ways to talk to car dealers.
I I just don't know it like. I don't either, but I think it.
Does like I told you before I bought the like the Nissan Duke,
Yeah. And I was like fucking or like
the girl was going with the time.
I was like, you walk and you shut the fuck up, right?
I'm making a deal like I started like playing a blinder and it
would have worked it out. I went, oh, I'm paying 8 grand
more for this car. It's actually worth.
Yeah, yeah, because it was like over a five year period.
Oh yeah, yeah. It was a piece of.
Shit, I got in this. You're the Duke.
I had a cash case. Yeah, yeah.
And I remember going this. Is an actual car.
Yeah, but it my my dad described I was going to get a Duke and my
dad goes puddle jumper. I don't know what that means.
And I but I went I guess I know
fucks it. I don't know what he's.
Talking about fucking they're shit, they're shit.
But I told him about the time I saw the first time I saw another
bloke driving one. I'm aware that each other like I
hate it. I went in to get the cash again
after a gig. Like you say you work.
I think when you do big gigs you go there's 3000 people here and
they're paying £20 a ticket, so I get not to multiply those two
and that's what I get and you get nowhere near that.
It's it's disgusting. Yeah, like so I went to get this
after a big gig. It was like going to go down
Poacher Rd here just fine. And like you say, I've a wee bit
of money to play with. I I had 6 grand to play with
just just walking about money, you know, it's just.
Just dropping a ground behind. About your yeah and money clip.
Saw the one I liked the one I wanted go in.
I'm like I've just seen documentaries about fucking car
salesman. Whatever the price is is not the
price. So I go in see this car it was
on for 6200. I go mail like it.
This is the one I like it, but I don't like the price.
I like it, but I don't like the price and the guy goes right.
He's like to be honest, this is, they have a one called like used
direct church, which is like we're not putting these in any
of our like big dealerships, but this is like the seal section
basically. So I go, I don't like the price.
You'll need to work with me on that.
And he goes, well, this car is priced as low as we physically
can make it. You can see what it's worth.
We're not making much. If we sell it for any, we can't
go any lower. So 6, two, yeah, I was like a
low ball. I'm hearing I offered something
like 1 and he's like he's like that's not anywhere near that
doesn't work. You're supposed to go, yeah.
And then I say he'll say 3 will do a daylight spit in my hand,
his hand, his whatever over and he goes no attest to one of
those and didn't like it. He goes no though I can't do
anything on the price. I could do it for 6-2 but I got
through in a year's warranty and I said no.
I was like maybe I could go like 3.
He's like I can't, I can only do 62.
You are getting a good deal on this.
I know they say that. So I said let me go for a down
there and think about it. Went for a down there, came
back, expected him to be at the showroom door on his knees
please with he goes. Have you had to think about it?
I said could do about I could do four.
He goes 62 is all we can do for all right, 6-2.
I got 0 money. Off I've had to have to move
with gigs. People go like what you do.
It's a fucking sports dinner or something.
Yeah. And I go £800 and go 4.
What was it? What happened to me with them,
£800 one, right? Did you ever a lot of people,
especially when, you know, before the how like we can speak
to people now and go, could you negotiate that for me or
whatever? Which is great because like, I
think we all hate talking about money and negotiating and all
that sort of thing. Apart from Kieran, obviously,
who comes to it. But them the the back in the
day, I, my mate Stevie, who like is involved in comedy in the way
I obviously asked him, could I do this?
He said, yeah, of course. I set up an e-mail address in
his name, and I would say to people, I'll get my manager to
e-mail you, or it's just me. And I thought I was the only
person who does that. Man alone.
To people who've done that. Really.
Yeah. I did not do that, yeah.
Like but I start giving him a back story and all that was in
his own back story from Paraguay.
Just you with a pencil moustache.
Yeah, and the manager used to weirdly, and these guys weirdly
took the deck of balls in between the legs when I was
using this e-mail. Tell them stories about your old
showbiz does. She was the best piece as I ever
had. I was booking gigs at the Moulin
Rouge. Barrymore Yeah, I work with both
of them, Joe and Michael. I work with.
Barrymore twins Drew and Michael.
He doesn't know anything about Showcase.
Fucking alert. Yeah.
Just really old school stories. I work with Mr Sheen, the Polish
man. Polish.
That's right, they pronounce it over there.
I work all the Sheens. Martin, Charlie.
Mr All of them. With all the sheets.
Martin, Charlie. Mr Vendenma.
Vending machine anyway. Though.
I took a lot. I took a lot of axe to.
The all the axe dogs are enough blue.
Blazing squad all the. Axe A1.
I fucking I love blazing squad. I like blue.
Yeah, blue. But Stevie Wonder?
Remember that. They and they, they, they
delivered. They did one with Elton John
too. Yeah.
Blue were actually really good. Yeah, like really good.
It's July. Every boy went as a secret gang
member. Yeah.
I was surprised when it was Duncan.
Really. Yeah.
I wasn't. I I really was, I thought.
Fucking surprise. Right who?
Who's your money? On Lee, Yeah.
Nah. Julius, Julius.
Well, Simon Webb. Simon Webb didn't get the credit
somewhere about a great voice and a great look.
Oh my God, the body. Sound like a pop star.
Looked like a pop star. Pop star.
Yeah, I understood. And then we Anthony Costa.
Bless him. Yeah, bless him.
Lovely voice. Voice of an Angel.
Yeah. Face of A.
He by the way, he's been to say you do stand up and that word
remember, yeah, bollocks, Edinburgh French find me the
funny he was in the audio. Book.
Yeah. You that you should tell people
that more Anthony Foster's seen you just.
To do the girl who played Emily and friends.
Oh yeah, I showed that the French and it was the last
Tuesday at the Fringe, which is where I historically do it.
Blocked. And I died on my whole, like I
didn't realise she was there until I'd seen her leaving the
room, like very, very drunk. I'm saying that a few
celebrities down, Rachel. I mean Emily.
Tony Costa. Antonio Costa.
I think he's something to do with a coffee.
You're going to be a huge kid. You got you're going to be as
big as Billy Piper. I work with all the pipers.
Billy Rowdy. Rowdy.
You're going to be as big as Billy and I did, Piper.
Yeah, he's just that he's booking us for local gigs, you
know, which doesn't work in that voice.
I'm getting I'm getting you 20 minutes at the front page of
Ballymena. All right, all the.
Greats who played there. You're playing twice in your
career, wasn't the way up, wasn't the way down and you baby
are on the way up. I got to do a warm up for Nolan,
then we're going to record a show.
Where is it, baby? No, no, no.
You misunderstood. Colleen, it's never it's never
the gig you think. Never the gig, you think?
I got you the new movie directed by Nolan.
You're playing them in a biopic, kid.
You're. Going to need a game 570 lbs by
Tuesday. We're.
Talking brand deals Sookie Bell Farm.
You're going to be in the new Welsh movie Irvin no Deniz.
So why'd you quit smoking? Just a second up because Mr Ass
is going out as well so. The smoking can be linked to it.
Yeah, well, don't help, obviously.
Yeah, it doesn't help. But see, when you smile, I think
about this recently. When you smoke, there's you.
Just peeing goes always. Smoke in your body, but imagine
you were in a burning room. I get out of no problem.
But with that. I just walk out of a formally
burning room but I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Doing those things. We Yeah.
Like Gandalf make a boat knob. Can you do some?
What do you do? Smoke or you do those rings.
I could do you could do 1 ring right?
Because my girl, well. That's I'm not so yeah, in the
earlier. Exactly, I'm just smoking.
May stand the bug. Bad for.
You. My my girlfriend got me bought
me cigars for Christmas. Right for.
Whatever reason, I do not know to.
Help you quit smoking. No, just she was just like, I
don't know. I honestly don't know why she
got them. Did you ever get a present?
You're like, thanks, I'd made her transpired.
She likes smoking cigars and she's had a couple of drinks
which I didn't know. So New Year's Eve, we didn't go
out and I'm just looking at my quite stunning girlfriend in her
pyjama was just smoking a big fuck.
Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Hey, where you want to go?
The top. You don't know Christmas light
switch on kid and money Ray. How do you get the Carnegie Hall
practise? No, it's in Ballymena.
You're opening for Maliki Kushka.
You're welcome. You also got to give him a lift.
I got to get out of here now. I got to go get Eamon Holmes,
Yale. I mean, y'all play it.
I don't know, like I Remember, Remember my granny was going to
give up thanks when she was in her 80s and the doctor went
don't because I'll be bad for you.
I've that's happened to a friend of mine's dad.
He had he had a heart attack, I think, and he was actually
stopped smoking or the doctor was gone.
Not yet, because you can the stress of quitting cigarette
smoking if you, if you're a heavy smoker, apparently can
like fucking. Well, your body's probably
dealing with that. Yeah, I'm not worried about the
recovery for. Yeah, I was like, but see, to be
honest. When when did you start smoking
like when you was? Like 19 or 20 like I was.
Oh, really? Yeah, it was.
A unique thing. Yeah, I think it was when the
smoking ban came in and then everybody was like going outside
the smoking have a bit of. Crack on.
The coolest people. We're standing like there.
Yeah, and all those nerds inside of the glass.
What are you talking about? I know.
We're all smell the passion there, like I ever trying to
like the girl I fancy don't know, she smoked and I was like
I'm going to go here and have a fag as embarrassing as fuck.
She'd give me a cigarette, but she was reagent.
She had to do it like skint and like sound smoking, trying to be
all cool. And then I thought, right, I'll
flick this cigarette like dead cools and walking back in and I
fumbled it and I would end of my sleeve.
I was just like, but yeah, so just a month, right?
Haven't drank in five weeks either.
Do. You are you fucking happy?
Oh, you every day, like I want a cigarette.
No, to be weird because Colin get us quit.
I remember when he quit. Yeah.
And it was just, like I said, as a killing.
I can remember we're sitting around two people smoking or
something. I was like, is that really
difficult for you? Is like, no, no, I'm just often.
See what's really strange was like after about I think 2 weeks
I was in a shopping centre with my girlfriend and walked outside
and smelt someone smoking a cigarette from like fucking
miles away. Yeah, and I was like, that's
disgusting. Do you tell them he berated the
person you are? You're worse than a fucking
pedo. Do you know what?
But on face we're not see he's fucking smokers.
They're fucking disgusting. But I piece of pest.
I never thought I was never that heavy a smoker.
Yeah. But when you.
Started gagging or. Yeah, it was digging or drinking
like if I was like, it's it's still my favourite thing the
world sit in a beer garden with like 20 cigarettes and just
fucking. You can't smoke and walk, so you
can't. Walk now.
That's one that. You know it doesn't suit you
when? You die.
That will be one of the things I describe.
I describe used to other people, I'll say.
Great comedian, couldn't smoke and walk people like what?
Because I've seen you have to do it and you can't see your brain.
You can't do both. It's.
Because whatever. Way I walk, really.
Whatever way I learned inhale, I inhale like that for some
reason. So I use my tongue.
I know oral fixation. And so yeah, I can never smoke
and walk. But you can still use your
tongue and walk, no? But.
You're acting like you're acting like you can't walk and smoke
because you need to stop. Do what I guess.
No, I think because like there's there's people I see smoking
cigarettes and they inhale without there's no and that's
cornered their nose. Yeah, yeah, I have to do a bag
like fucking. Right.
A long and heal. There was a.
There's times I'm not even going to say do and heal cigarettes.
I'm like, I've definitely been smoking wrong.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do all the classic things,
like I probably smoked the equivalent of a cigarette in my
whole life, like the old drawer here and now.
I was younger and I remember starting tech.
I mean, there was a guy, Mike, and there was a guy in our
course who's like really cool. He was like a rocker and he was
few years older than us. And I was like, that's that's
what I want. That's.
What? It was a rock.
That's what I want. When did you go to tech in 74?
We were. Mods, we couldn't talk to him.
Well, I just got my first real 6 string and it was the summer of
nine. It was the summer of 09.
And yeah, this guy named King, I was like, he's fucking really
cool. Like and I you know, I'm wearing
exactly what we're now tracksuit bottoms in a fucking sports top
with a 16 year old. Now he was smoking at the front
of Belfast Mint and I said here goes eh L dieser.
He's like what I thought everyone I was like, oh, last
draws took one really wet it smoked it totally wrong again,
like you probably went to flick it or do something.
And I said because he was really in the Slipknot and what's a
good Slipknot album like entry level to like to get in.
And he was like, I don't know, you probably you wouldn't like
it. I was like, all right man, I
don't think I ever talked to him after that in the whole 2 years
of the course. It's it's, I hate smoking like I
don't. I love it.
I miss it. Now that we're talking.
About you'll ever smoke a cigarette again.
I'll probably when I'm blocked some night over I guess why I'm
yeah like Gavin and Stacey all at the back yeah but yeah I just
I just really went off very strange.
It's. Weird.
It's weird for me to see I'm I'm never around smoking.
Yeah, ever. So that's like, neither was I
like nobody else my family smokes or anything.
But it was. Yeah, I was just kidding.
I think it got the point where it was like having to go outside
to smoke in the winter. Just a pain in the hole.
Yeah, and Gagans become difficult because with stand up,
you know, it was a lot more like laid back.
People were hanging out before the show, we're hanging out
after. And now I like doing stand up
beds, like being like a bomb disposal expert.
You like, you get like shipped in, you do your set, you're like
straight home. You don't really interact with
anyone else. So it doesn't really lend itself
to that. Exactly, that is one thing I've
noticed with being the gigs being back.
Yeah, was it was the social aspect of it definitely had
ships, even libraries like everyone sit in different.
Corners, yeah, and you're like ships in the night with the
other comedians. Like also what's good as well is
people are doing other gigs on the same night.
So you're maybe only there for your set and then you've got to
go somewhere else. But I'm, I don't know, I think
some people are just, and I totally get it, like taking a
bit of a back seat with gigs and not going out to perform because
you know, you're saying you don't know what the regulations
were over Christmas. I didn't really either.
And I was like, maybe I'm not going to do any gigs.
And then two people dropped out of two gigs in Mercury's in Yuri
and Crumlin getting Crumlin and and I got asked to them like
last minute. And I like I'd have done any gig
between Christmas and New Year, just bored and wanting to keep
being sharp and go out. But it definitely is like a
different experience. But actually an audiences are at
like the bet in the 14 years old.
Yeah, really nice audiences are their best night because people
are so appreciative of just being there and watching it.
I I think it's like the, yeah, well, I heard Colin was talking
about like his sort of bigger ones because I left the SSA
early before like, oh, he had the cold and then Cosmos gems
going nuts, just went home. Yeah, but then he had to throw
people out or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Front row. Because he tends to get at his
big shows, not kisses. Yeah, here.
Like, don't go out all year. And then they're like, right,
let's take a gramme. Yeah, H.
Spice. Yeah, like, and just see what
happens. Yeah, but you're right.
Like there hasn't even been. I don't think I've been hackled.
No, we've been back yet. No, and it's and it's also rooms
of like that one in Crumlin, they never had stand up before.
You could tell a lot of people hadn't been to a stand up night
before and that's usually disaster like worst case
scenario. And they were a bit lively but
not rowdy and not disruptive. Yeah, some people were like
talking out but then know not to.
But it was actually like good-natured and stuff, and they
weren't like continually doing it.
Those were two of the best gigs I've done.
I think there's a thing, maybe it's us as well.
We're like, because we've been off it for so long with all the
lockdowns that even people talking is like, I don't care.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean.
That's you. Before you would try and get the
atmosphere to be exactly the way it should be.
Like everyone quiet, keep your phone out.
If someone had their phone out, text and you'd be out for fuck
sake. No, it's like.
But I think the phone thing as well has just changed over the
years. Now it's like you're just used
to people. Yeah, I didn't.
We don't know. We get it.
Instrument. No, I'm doing it this month.
It's fucking great, yeah. But there was one that I did.
There was a woman. And it's such a small room, like
it's the size of this room. Yeah, Yeah.
And there's a woman sitting just recording the whole thing.
And I'm like, I can fucking touch your fringe from here.
I can go like that. And you're.
Yeah, I I call it video stuff. I make a bit of a joke or it,
but then try and get them put the photo like no bother.
But the video stuff, yeah, it's like you will inevitably put up
a clip where I'm setting up a bit.
Yeah. So there's not really any laughs
in it. There's.
Always. There's never a bit on Instagram
where it's like, yeah, like. It's a 5 second video you and or
it's coming off the back of a laugh.
So you're like, but yeah, you know, the world is it's pretty
mad at the minute, you know, and that's the clip.
Yeah, that's the clip. And people watch them and like,
oh fuck, those gigs don't look good.
Yeah, it's the same or even like I've seen people recording just
loads of it on Snapchat and I'm like none of your myth give a
fuck. Yeah, I don't think any of your
friends are in the house. Get a Snapchat from you.
And it's fucking me. And they're like.
Oh. Connect Connect the phone to the
TV. Well, see fucking 4 seconds of
Mickey Barton stand up with a rainbow in his mouth.
I did that the I did that gig in in Yuri Mccurry had done before.
Have you? Yeah, that's really good.
You just go to the classroom. Really good.
And there's a guy and it's it's again, rooms with the size this.
And I get up and there's a guy literally like this phone, like
he's like 2 rows back and he's got the phone recording, big
sort of smile on his face. And I before I say anything to
him, he goes, I'm coming to see you in July.
And I said you're seeing me now. You're seeing me now to me.
So don't worry about that. Like I'm here.
Yeah, I had a guy take a photo of me playing an arcade machine
and fucking Coleraine right before right before Christmas
and put it on my Facebook like a fucking threat.
Like because it was me and my girlfriend went to the Jet
Centre in Korean. What are they?
What are they out? You treat her right.
Mate, you treat me. She played a fucking blinder.
Haven't told us in the podcast yet.
We went to there's a Chinese place in there.
Right food or just it's. Just a place you just take your
shoes off and there's meander. But no, it's going to be weird.
Chinese restaurant. Chinese restaurant.
Yeah, in the Jet Centre. Yeah, Yoga.
What's called after owner? I think I said you go.
I was like, well. So you go dumb, but it's one of
those Yoko Duncan skinny re eye to DD re eye.
If you pay attention, I swap the else for ours.
They're racist. But Basil was like we're sitting
and eating better, but as soon as we got in, so it's like the
start playing happy birthday over the speakers and some guys
getting a fucking, you know, a brownie with a candle and I was
like I hit that like that really bugged the shit out of me.
A few seconds later happened the game and I'm like, fuck, that's
two people in here Lexus with us.
I fucking that really pisses me off.
And then it happened 1/3 time and I'm like I sort of fuck and
then my girl was like I just need to go like go pay.
She went to the toilet, came back and I'm sitting I hear like
happy birthday. I looked at her and she was
like, but as I was saying the words, that's the 4th fucking
time. And then I felt the heat of the
candle and I was like, you fucking bitch and she should
plan it three weeks in advance and settled.
And I've never been more proud of her.
Who's your birthday? No, my birthday is March.
She's just a cunt. Here, what else is in the Jet
Centre? I thought Jen said.
Just like. Fucking mad and.
Chinese and like. Chinese restaurant, big arcade
and cinemas bone all as well. That's class EU money.
See places like a like you need. I love.
EU Money is my rap name by the. Way EU money.
I made that up. I just like big fun.
Places. Big fun centre.
There's a big, Craigavon has one like, no, there's a whole run on
them, but they've all got the same sort of logos.
And they all have those American restaurant like Buffalo Jacks.
And yeah, fucking caught my fucking bills or whatever.
But yeah, there's big arcade and they've got like AI think
they've got like a trampoline. Please look like an air tastic
table that you. Do you like to just?
Do you like that fun? Yeah, I love having fun.
I'm a big baller for me. How much fun?
How many like I would have? I went there roller rink for
every Friday night for six weeks.
That's right as, and that was not that long ago, you were an
adult man. We go roller skating and go to
the pub. It's fucking great, fucking
great. Don't judge me, I don't care.
I love. Did you did you get good at
roller skating? Bleeding man, I'm a bleeder.
All right. Sorry.
Yeah, Yeah. Skating's for twerps.
I always like the energy of speed skaters when you went ice
skating. But yeah, do you remember this?
There was like there were, there was half an hour where everyone
had to just wait and it was only the speed skaters.
I know every time I went to ice skate the result was someone
practising figures getting in the middle of the rink.
There was this middle age, I think this guy used to do it in
the Donald ice ball and he would really put his arms into it too.
Yeah, well, that happened in the fucking roller rink place I was
going to in Portadown maybe. It seemed there was like there
was this girl was doing this like sort of sexy.
Get maybe at the roll rink and poured it down.
I got an idea for sure. We're shooting the music video.
I'm. Trying to take my second name.
I'm walking with your Uncle Hugo, trying to get him into the
Chinese cuisine. We shoot the music video from
McCartney, Paul no, my friend Davey.
He's got a song about the Billy Boys.
You're opening form. What in the last like in the
because you me definitely since standard was allowed back in any
form went straight back. Yeah.
And I've probably done them, probably done the most shows.
Yeah, probably. Most gigs, but what was the best
in the last say, year that you that you did you're in Oster
Hall was your. Yeah, second night in Oster Hall
was fucking brilliant thought. Well, I think like did a couple
of the weekend at The Stand and Newcastle and Glasgow.
Glasgow was potentially my favourite.
Newcastle, I don't fucking Britain.
Great time in Newcastle. Like the first time.
The first gig we did of Victoria was back garden.
See him one of the best. Yeah, like fucking brilliant.
I think I did the second one of those and it was my first time
back on a stage for however long.
And he said do 20, but if you're enjoying it, do whatever.
Yeah, I did like 45. I was.
All new man, I was, I walked. I was exactly the same.
Walked off like 45 minutes and new stuff.
Yeah. And there was a point where I
because I recorded it and there's a point I'd cover what
the joke was. But people laugh for 45 seconds.
Yeah. And I was like, fucking hell,
I'm a genius. Because that was the.
I've done the same joke a million times since.
It never happened again. I think it was just people were
so glad to be out. That atmosphere, because it was
a summer night, it was outside, you're back on stage, it's in
someone's garden. That was like the best awards.
Yeah, because I did a exactly like I did a bit that was brand
new about. But the Bible, the monks that
like transcribe the Bible, I thought this is the best, this
is the best bit that I've ever written or done.
And I did it and it was a wee bit like all over the place, but
it was great. And then I thought like this,
this is the main bit of the show.
Then for the tour and all that sort of thing, it never worked
again. I might actually give it another
go because I think there's something in it, but I think
it's been too many where it's been.
There's nothing more frustrating when you go.
I know this has worked, especially when it works the
first time and it never works again.
It's definitely doesn't work and then you get it to work.
A lot of the time I find that to be like a story when you retell
a story because you're so giddy about telling the story and
you're finding funny, but. And the more times you try and
replicate that, yeah, the harder it is.
I. Remember the day that?
Do you remember the bit I used to?
How about going to the top man? And the woman thought I worked.
There I was my I used to all I used to ask you to do.
If we went to gigs, I would say please do that bit.
I. Remember, there was just a day I
just stopped working. Just one night.
It just didn't and it never worked.
Again, it was Maybe you just don't want too.
Many, yeah, I don't know what happened and I've I've tried to
bring it back like years later, yeah.
And people are just like, I don't believe you.
It didn't happen like. It I used to.
I love when you have a bit of someone's that you go please do
that bit, Paddy Migaki's UTV bit.
Paddy Mcgackie's weather. Watchers, weather watchers.
I'm like, yeah, every time. Like.
Please, I love his American sports.
Oh. You're in the 45.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or the thing about the mental
health turning into the pool. Oh yeah, fuck yeah, the plate of
sandwiches. Jesus Christ.
Yeah. I did, I tell him we did that
gag in Larne like. Oh, the outdoor one.
Yeah, yeah. Most been September time or
something and I was like, because I think Tim was our Tim
and I think Tim had seen this at where I don't.
Have you done that bit? There's a bunch of people sort
of sitting around watching it and his party started that bit.
I started running the spot like he's folk could do it.
And everybody was like, what do you what the what the fuck?
Yeah, and it went all right. But so you could hear like the
audience going like, and then me going ha ha, kick and walk.
Do you know what was it? Highlight as well was the
Rathman Island Comedy Festival that we did in Valley Castle.
Again, That's that. Was a bit, yeah, that was a
weird one where like the IT was, it was very strange work because
we had the two days. Yeah.
So I opened the first day, I closed the second day and it was
very fuck. This is a traditional, not
sorry, traditional in the sense that it was hard to go on 1st
and then they're warmed up. Yeah, I find exactly.
Pretty much seems that yeah, like as in the first part of the
second spot. Yeah, for anyone who doesn't
know, we were supposed to do a gig on Rathlin Island, which is
off the coast of Ballycastle. I've done it before.
It was all booked, ferries all booked, accommodation sorted and
then the weather, people just went, there's going to be a
storm, as in like a storm. And we moved it last minute to a
hotel in Ballycastle and the weather was fucking.
Gorgeous. Yeah.
It was me it would. Every one of us drove and then
was like. Yeah.
All the pack. Like how good would the chippy
though? Yeah, it's about Chappies class
and Bali Castle. Chappies that's had a few shout
outs in the podcast. Yeah, it's a big, big fun.
Yeah, it's. What's the furthest you have you
ever drip? Is there like a particular food
that you like that you've driven a weird amount of time to go and
get? You know, is there a wee
speciality you like somewhere that you'd be prepared to travel
to get? Like that chappie probably is
one of the like there's a few places up and round Port Port
Rush rhyme, like that's some of the best things ever written.
Yeah. And I do quite.
There's one pizza place I went to, New York where I'm like, I'd
fly over there and get. Just get that I'd get that's a
ball. That's a like you, you put up
the airline, go listen, have £300 to play with won't get you
the flight that'll be that'll be a quality move.
Just go to New York and get paid.
See that right, very financially responsible idea to go and do
that. But how happy would that make?
Oh my God, The whole experience as well though, just just in not
stay overnight. Just get the pizza, a quick walk
around New York, fly home. There's a place as well the the
burger. It's a van as well as I can
never find but the Buffalo truck in Edinburgh.
The Buffalo truck. Yeah.
Do you remember the the burger police we went to in Galway?
Yeah. Wonder Burger or something?
Something like that. So it's, it's got a similar kind
of thing, but it's like a it's a chicken burger, Buffalo sauce
and blue cheese. And it's it's my favourite thing
in the world. Yeah, it's my, it's my absolute
favourite food. Would you soak And you're like.
Do you like trips? You trip, guy?
May I love trips. What what we trip?
Would you like to do this in 2022?
Is there anywhere you'd? Be Tenerife for the first time
in July, but we holiday. I know Tenerife.
You look like, you know, Tenerife.
You want Las America, you want Las Americas.
That's what a way to put you, that's what a.
Big you want. Full full half for SC.
Well, I think it's I. Think it's half top board.
Yeah, but we're going to go baller and we get there and be
all mate. Just fucking throw it all in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like. You.
Know what's a baller move when you're half bored and you walk
down for dinner through the lobby and you've been there for
a few days and they go to shoot do your table and you now,
Mario, not tonight. I'm heading out for it and
you've got dinner in a. Different bottle roof.
He's like, my name's John. Yeah.
I'm from Lisburn. Put the Bella Big Mom.
Tenerife, 10 out of 10. It's a place that people might
take a piss out of a week. It's not on the level,
obviously, of like Benidorm, all those places.
Yeah, but people look down their nose at Tenerife.
Refe look down. Tenerife is brilliant, it's a
good set. Las America's a good size.
You've got the strip mate, You have everything you want in the
strip. No noldy T-shirt.
I love Noldy T-shirt. You want and whatever you want
you. Buy them laser pens with the
silhouettes of woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sweet. You can get back to my nephew.
George, the best thing to do with those is see if there's a
plane going. I'll just put it on a wall I
got. Remember those we laser pit?
Those we laser pens. There was a lizard people used
to be like the dude, the Shagnut and the pilot's eyes and all,
but it was obviously like high strength industrial stuff.
I remember like people coming back from Lexa Tenerife when you
were like it and like a plane will go overhead and live in
Hollywood. People go folks.
I'll probably go down. You weren't even pressing the.
Button. It won't as if yeah, but it's
those ones that definitely didn't.
They definitely weren't. No, I know, but was a pilot like
sniper? Yeah.
Do you? Remember these things as well.
I will come back from Tenerife with ship like.
Remember the way like balloons that were filled with floor and
had like hair on them and a wee face.
Remember that. No.
My dad made us produce. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had the. Producer do Michaela McCallum,
Yeah. Yeah, Refa 03.
I remember I remember getting like.
I think my mate brought it back as a present as well, which is
questionable but like the grain of rice your name on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's probably still going.
He'd be in 10 if he's anywhere, he'd be in Tenerife.
That you smoking? What is his name?
Weaving. You're getting Kev.
Shay, please BSE. Please just BSE.
There you go. Yeah, Tenerife.
I fuck. I love Tenerife.
Are you a guy who when you want holiday, like I just sit and
chill or do you need to be going?
I'm. Very I my favourite thing on
hall is literally walk straight down to the pool.
Just jump in for a second one. Oh, why?
Yeah. Get it back out of it again
straight away. I just like, yeah, I'm very like
that's just said here. You're blocked.
Here's one thing going to warn you about Tenerife sounds very
hot. A volcanic.
Under foot I would say like to walk on.
Yeah, yeah. What?
Snort. What else?
I thought it was just meant like no.
It's hot. See.
When it blows at you. See if you're if you have a way.
You build castles with it? Yeah, Yeah, but it'd be hot.
But it'd be hot. So what I would do is bring your
own from here on time. Yeah, don't be a weirdo.
But if you bring a case just of sound, do your castles there.
But when you have. Your why not just build the
castles here and just don't go on hold it?
Just no. Bring them here, taking them
with you. But what?
Spend local. Just keep.
But you know what's going to charge you for sand you get?
You can get free sound. Can you put?
Well, you can pay for a builder's yard.
You know Guy you. Just pay a fortune, someone.
'S what I'm saying is the sound. Weed sound miners.
Bobby sounds am I good too? So God having the end of.
It when you walk from your sun linger to the sea, will you be
swimming in the sea? A dabble.
Dabble and see someone. Bring your flip flops right to
the edge of the water. Crocs yes or no one hold this?
Yeah. Well, not me, but you, yeah.
Love Crocs? Yeah, I love that.
I probably been Tenerife. It sounds like it's not true 15
times, maybe 20. Yeah, because you didn't.
You knew Dad always go. Was that a thing?
Yeah. He got stroked.
Oh my God, if this guy's about, look out for him.
Bought some sand freezing. There was a guy doing like a
show and all the down the strip and I everyone started watching
and he's like a magician type fella.
He's a wizard. Wide man, right?
And he has two bins and he's doing that game where he's got
like 2 black desks and three cups and he puts the cups on the
desk and he moves them around and he's like which one is it
under? And you guess wrong, blah blah.
There's a sleight of hand involved.
I'm sure he's watching and he's doing all this and he's showing
how fast he is. He's making kids guess and they
get it wrong and everyone laughs.
It's all good. And he's like, OK, someone needs
to bet here. Someone needs to bet.
And the game looks very easy. It looks like you can guess what
is. And he pecks my dad and my dad
thinks he's part of a show. He thinks this guy is like doing
like a performance piece where he's pretending they're like
take your money and on you bet and if you lose it.
But the guy was just a real life guy.
So my dad, he's like, you've got to put some money in.
My dad's like, don't have any cash on me.
Just my dad looks in his pocket. He's like just traveller's
cheques. And the guy looks like so slick
and fast. He's like, yeah, I'll take,
we'll put those input to. And there were 220 LB or 40 LB
traveller's cheques and he put it down.
He did. He's like, you have to gas.
And my dad's looking at winking at me like I'm in the show.
You know the show. I'm an actor in the show.
But he wasn't, he was playing himself, right?
He didn't know that. He thought it was anyone.
Yeah. And the credit would be Dennis
Todd as. As himself, so he's at yourself.
So he's moving all these around the guy and my dad goes thinks
he knows what 1 and it's very obvious.
Yeah, it should be that one. My dad pointed that guy left it
open. He's like, oh, so it wasn't that
one guy puts travel travel cheques in his pockets and then
everyone that's a show over and everyone just kind of goes put
the business and my dad like he's like no, my dad goes no, I
wasn't. I wasn't really betting like
you're just putting it on. The guy's like, no, no, the
guy's like, no, me, me money. You guys like no like.
Advising your dad a fight. There's all what happened.
The guy, I don't know what he was saying in Spanish, but the
guy looked at my dad said he was like fucking idiot.
You know, I might not could we could call that man so he.
Who you call the fucking idiot El Condo Ariel Ball back you.
We just lost all the money. All.
Of it, yeah, £40 was back in those days.
I'm talking. I'm talking.
Shit, I've. 25 years ago. Yeah.
More. Well, that's a lot of money.
Yeah, that's, that's your weeks, all that fuck.
Yeah, because we didn't spend a lot of money because we went
half board and then when you have breakfast, you know, my
dad's like you're the calliper. I do that when I'm when I'm on
the road. What?
Like just stay a little croissants and bread and stuff.
You like continental breakfast? No, we'll have a fry, but I'll.
Steal. I'll steal the continental
suffer from a lunch. What like do you have any like
because you travel a lot for gigs like when we can and you we
still go over and do the clubs and that sort of thing.
Do you do you have any like weird travel hacks that you do
like you go. This is such an inconvenience to
me. So you have a solution.
For example, I will when if I'm on a long haul flight, which
will probably in like 4 * a month.
But when I'm when I'm travelling trans intercontinental.
Yeah. Yeah, I go to the.
Paris to blind. I know and every desk open in I
am I know they won't have almond milk on board.
So I go to the Starbucks, I get a tea and then I say separately
could I get a bit of almond milk in a separate cup?
But don't want to be carrying a cup, just milk all time.
So I'll also buy a wee bottle of water, hoof that, pour the
almond in side of the thing, sort.
Of on board. See, that's a good thing because
I'm I've gone gluten free. So welcome to the club dairy for
an authorship. So I'm going to have to get
some. That's not a bad shout.
Apart from that I don't really know.
I long haul flights. My only thing is I get 4W and
cokes and bend them and then fall asleep.
That's not really a hack, that's more it's.
Just the best way to fall asleep.
That's the only thing I've found.
I feel knocked. Me out if I drink when I'm
flying, you know, because you kind of wake up a bit.
I fucking love it. I get over 4.
Whiskey and cokes, yeah. Is this only for long haul
flights? Yeah, all right.
You know, Yeah. No, I don't like.
You 3 if you're. Going to Glasgow, to Glasgow,
like you're all back on board this flight that Glasgow will be
and we're here. I'm fucking.
Will you try and get like your own row if you can?
Mitt, would you like the the fucking best experience of my
life was flying back from Australia about four years ago
and there's two flights. There's one that's like 8 hours
and then one that's 16 or something.
And and in the longer flight I must be from a Caravan was from
Abu Dhabi to Dublin or whichever one it was the longer flight and
I was sitting on the plane like window seat.
I'm thinking fuck is gonna be a. Nightmare on the sixteener.
Yeah, not on the second one. Windows seat.
This is shit. Fucking hell.
And then I'm like looking around me.
It's not that busy. At what point you're ready in
the air or you're people are still coming?
On people are still coming on and I'm like, I could start to
get like, fuck, I think I've got a fucking row here.
Here's what you don't want to do and make a move too early.
Yes, the thing. So that's so I'm like, I must
have looked so suspicious because that's sitting the
fucking like. Yeah.
And then could hear the students being like the captain being
like closed doors for departure. As soon as you I immediately 3
pillows, 3 blankies fucking made a Fort.
Yeah, like, yeah, as soon as you hear put.
Your belt on. Fuck you, I'm going.
I've made the mistake myself for I've seen people make it where
you are sitting beside like another person or two other
people. You see a free row as people are
bored and you go to get it. They are steward will take
against you. They'll be like, no, sit in your
room seat. And then that's not an option.
As soon as a boom, boom, away you go.
Did you? I did enough like to New York
and there was another. There's like a mother and
daughter from like Armar somewhere and going to waiting
at the same time. And I knew that they were going
for they knew I was going for it.
It was literally like whoever gets there first and I got there
first and then I was like, oh, something like we thought we
could we could get. And I was like, no, yeah, I.
I I would go to the Bahrain. What do you want?
Just hold me. Just land the Bahrain one time.
It was like it. Wasn't Bahrain, so it was
Australia as well? No, whichever one it was, there
was a couple that had been on the first flight beside me.
And then when it came to the second flight, they were like,
do you want to take the aisle? And I was like, no.
And they're like you'll be getting up all night because we
pee quite a bit. And I was like, ah fine, I don't
give a fucking sit in your seat. Where were you?
Were you at the window? No, I was the aisle and they
were trying to put me. They wanted to get me in the
window for that one. You think it's my first fucking
flight? I've been flying with a heart.
A Lingus, Connie Lingus, All of it.
Yeah, what do you think that guy would have his offices
hypothetically, not Belfast like.
Right here. Hollywood, yeah.
That's the whole thing.
He he has people on his address and he's definitely.
What happened here? Hollywood.
The Hollywood the hard way. It's one really, really small
room, but it's glamorous as fuck.
Yeah, yeah. It's like.
Gold. Yeah, yeah, gold left from
fucking Willy Wonka. Yeah, he's got like, art on the
ceiling. Like commissioned art on the
ceiling, Yeah. And a cardboard cut it a Ted
Danson, but it's not the actual 1 from 3.
No, it's Teddy sharing them dancing.
You didn't expect Daddy sharing this time of morning.
There was a lot of process. For a second I went that is
Teddy sharing him famous for dancing.
Come on, we're going to meet Ted Danson.
Hey, Daddy. Did you see me against Real
Madrid? Peter Carey play for my I don't
know what is Teddy Sherman thought like I don't I can't
remember. I don't know.
This is fucking I don't know if
it's even funny. It just happened.
I had a very strange experience about a week and a half ago.
So we sit at home and we start as bad skin and stuff.
I've just started like playing Call of Duty right on a beanbag
chair stoned. Is that does the doctor
recommend that there's a Maggie? Three things.
Yeah, I've figured out a play called, well, it's 3 1/2 hours,
roughly a day, right? But most of that time was just
getting in and out of the beanbag.
Yeah, without tossing stuff because yeah, right, I'm more
like Luby. But do you play a pleasure not
to you? So I don't have headphones or
anything, right? And when you don't have
headphones, sometimes you can hear all the people playing the
game coming through your TV. OK, I'm stoned as fuck and I
could there were some some guy was playing and his kid was
clearly trying to get a go, right.
So this guy is like, fuck off me fucking die.
You can't fucking. And I just like kind of zoned
out away, but I could just hear the weekend called Daddy, why
did you die? I'm fucking shit myself.
Daddy, you've you've blown your head up.
Daddy white, kill him. Daddy kill him.
Oh fuck like and my feet were all slippy because my thread is
like, terrified. Could you be thrown so much
further? No, because you're so lubed.
Like if you were set across the floor a month ago compared to
now. Yeah, you could play Cardinal
me. Right.
Can we? Yeah, we'll try it.
I've nothing right now. Curling with Mickey Bottle.
We're going to speak to the commissioners right now about
this. We've got Anthony Costa, gets
you by the belt there, but Danny's sharing and they're
going to fuck you, fuck you down Royal Ave.
Fuck you down. Royal Ave was the name of the
second series. We got a magician from
Tenerife's going to. Host this.
Kids fucking dynamite. I swear to God he took my Rolex.
I made him a cup of tea. I looked down and fucking moved.
He's Got Talent. That takes talent.
Takes a lot to surprise me. Can we please, like, I don't
care what it is. Can we write a film, get it, me
it. I don't care who's in it, don't
care what the budget is, but there has to be a moment where
that exact thing happens. It takes a lot to surprise me in
the person jobs. Yeah, definitely.
I love to write a film. What's that guy called?
Good question. Wreck.
No, he's in a wreck. Is SEMA, is it like a little bit
American, Italian maybe or, or is he, is it more of a, you
know, Goldstein thing? Shit, yeah, would be.
What about an Italian first name?
Jewish second. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, Italian. Ricardo Goldstein.
Yeah. Yeah.
Because he, Ricardo Goldstein, I wanted to go.
He's Irish. Yeah, yeah, he.
Wanted to do the show business, yeah.
And he thought Holly was run by Jules.
I told I told him I'd have an office in Hollywood, and I do.
You can't. Beat them.
Join them. He's got 1 rabbi curl different
colour from his normal hair. I've got to make it off.
You can't refuse, Frank. Mitchell and Linda Nolan, what
are they doing? I don't.
Know I'm going to make it 1 offer you can't refuse.
I want to buy this cash Quay. Get me the puddle jumper deluxe,
Julie. Is the puddle jumper outside
good? I've got 2 grand to play with me
and Butler are going to the Boucher Rd.
I got an idea for a new car. It's called the Audi Partner.
The kid says he can get me an Audi for 500 large.
Butler just did it, showed 80,000 people.
The kid made £900. All I got to do is move some
sand from here to Tenerife. It's risky, but I'm willing to
take the risk. That's why I looked.
He can't smoke a cigar and walk. I can do it all.
I'll put you in an Oscar winner film.
I'll make a billion dollars. Ask me to walk down the street
when I'm smoking this, I can't help you.
Marlon Brando says to me, if you keep smoking that and you walk
over here, you're my agent for life.
I said. Marlon, I can't do it.
I remember the time Richard Gere was in here.
He said, hey, Goldstein, I bought you 1/2.
I said take that half and stick it up your ass.
And he did. I remember the time Michael
Jackson. You said you like hamsters.
I said I don't like hamsters. I don't like ham.
But one guy don't like it. Teddy sharing ham.
I was working on Top of the Pops.
I was working with Jimmy before the allegations of Poison.
I said Jimmy, you want three, I can only get you 2, he said.
Goldstein. Don't take no for an answer.
If I know, then what I know now? I tell you what, I'm never
surprised, but that scared the fuck out of me now.
Oh. All right, beat James Samuel,
one of the best, one of the greats.
Stewart fuck, I always messed them.
Up. Oh man, we have to make that.
Yeah, definitely. That's it.
I've got the time. Goldstein.
That's it. Goldstein Enterprises.
Goldstein Enterprises, just at a business park?
Yeah, in Belfast. And like he has like we start up
throwing them and stuff, you know, like a cupcake business
and all that. And they have like Vegas gravy.
Yeah. And they have meetings with
like, you know, all the tenants, you know the the person who runs
the offices. And he's there like normal
people. Yeah, exactly.
I could be fucking funny. Yeah, yeah.
I got ideas for this place pool. Like, no, Goulton, obviously.
No. Yeah, nothing's a bad idea, you
know. Mr Goldson, I think this is a
sign of your weakness. Here's a sign for you Wet.
Floor Speaking of wet floors, 11 time I fucked Marilyn Monroe,
Manson, I always get them mixed up.
That's this whole thing, just getting to everybody's mixed up.
Not Marilyn Charles. Fuck.
Oh, that's very, very enjoyable. I want to.
I've commissioned the public Garden.
It's called the Sarah Jessica Park.
They can't drive towards, you know, what the husband's like.
You couldn't. You couldn't find the building.
I will. Unfortunately, the sign fell.
Don't even my fucking sense. We have to leave it there, I
think. I think we have to leave it
there because it can't. It can't get better.
You know what I mean? You sometimes you just go, this
can't get better. It's a party, it's midnight, the
party's going to go on to 4 or. Five, it's time to go home.
It's time go home when the party's out of.
Regret it? Yeah.
Go home when the party's at its best.
That's what I always say that's. What I said, that's what I said.
The Culkin, I said get out, they don't love you.
Let him keep the fucking specky brother.
Thank you very much. I guess Waterfront Hall.
Waterfront on December 2022. I want to in February.
Nice. So turn the show you've just
done, Yeah. Turn the show, which is Nelson
Hall, so we're doing all the hotspots in the skeleton,
Bangor, Newcastle. Fuck the oldcastle.
Yeah, fuck the armour. You're my everybody's man.
Yeah, yeah, someone turned. Well, so.
And then check it. Out Omar.
Oh my God in the strew oversight was made.
Should be fine. You never learned.
Yeah, we'll put tickets for Waterfront in the in the
description of this episode. But that's that's a new show.
Yeah, that'll be a new show called.
Yeah, Come on. Just because I had to think of
something. Yeah, I did.
Yeah, I was a wee bit like, I was like, can you type it out so
it looks like I'm going, damn it.
Yeah, do the whole show as I got.
Yeah, I'd love to do something like.
That can we be? What if we're showbiz twins and
it's just not referenced? That we're not referenced.
That wouldn't, yeah. The Goldstein brothers.
I could, yeah, could be ready. Fuck.
Council Waterfront we've got. Yeah.
Cheers for coming on. Mickey Bartlett, everyone.
We'll call this episode the Puddle Jumper time, I think.
Cheers. See you next time.
Do you want to go to Jet Centre?