I'm Michael Che and I'm Colin Jose, and we've got a little
secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like our hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock.
Exactly how it's called New York After Dark.
And it's a comedy show that only features drop in comic.
Boom. You nail into Michael Che's
phone. Nervous.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing.
And it's streaming now only on Peacock.
You love it. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the tea with me podcast with me, she and Conan Todd, but you
didn't know that was my middle name, but it is big big episode
this week where the the I can't just say January.
We've started as we mean to go on big episodes.
It's a fun time before we go anywhere, I want to plug the
Patreon, which is patreon.com/tea with me podcast.
If we had 1000. Bear in mind at the time of
recording we're about 9:50 if we had 1000 like consistently
consistent level If we had a thought.
There's some talk amongst the group here about what
constitutes get in 1000. Caveats, right with the name of
the indie bandit, Donna Micro. We are going to get tattoos of
we teacups. Willie G is going to do tattoos
for us, and I'm roping everyone in.
Dan is reluctantly getting 1M. My guest.
I'm not even. Well, it's in the script, Karen,
but it's in the description. But don't say anything.
William Thompson. Who else said they get one?
Who do we phone? Oh, you we phone, Karen.
Maybe Dave will get one, who knows?
So if you want to join the Patreon and by the way, we do
like the bonus episodes, the live episodes, the live episode
from the limelights on there. There's stand up on there
Patreon, the comments I teach me podcast for a couple of quid a
month. But the tattoos should be the
main incentive. We're sponsored by none other
than Thompson's teas. Now let me tell you about these
guys. These are this is a family of
tea nuts. These guys you couldn't go for a
dinner at the Thompson family household because all they want
to talk about is tea. And I loved, I mean, it's a tea
with me podcast. I love tea.
But compared to these guys, not not a patch.
They if you went to the Thompson family household for a dinner,
right, the starter would be tea. The means would be tea and what
are you going to wash that down with the dessert?
Pavlova, Because I know something but they like Pavlova.
But they have that with a cup of tea.
They make panjana and you go, is that is that not from like India
or, you know, Sri Lanka or Boston?
No, it's not. That's from right here.
Belfour. We'll make it here, folks.
Sake. Sorry, I don't know if I should
have sworn you or not, but they're that passionate about
tea. It's made in Belfast, Punjab.
It's Northern Ireland's number one, selling tea, for God's
sake, which is if you're going to be #1 selling tea anywhere
here is probably the toughest place to be #1 because there's a
lot of guys running the boat trying to shift leaves.
You know, you've got, you've got Tetley spin on Tetley.
You've got PG Tips. Yeah.
What else? You else will run about Nambari
and then you've got Barry's. Too many Barrys.
The Thompsons are knocking on out of the park.
Panjana, keep drinking. It's Northern Ireland's number
one selling tea. We drinking, I mean we drinking
on the pod. You love it.
That's our that's our slogan. You love it, so just keep
drinking it. We are also sponsored by
Manscaped. Did you say landscaped?
Nope, I said Manscaped. The number one in men's below
the belt grooming. Everything above the belt, not
sexy. Everything below the belt, if
it's done right, sexy. And these guys are, these guys
have been shearing blokes since a year dot.
In fact, that might only start a few years ago.
I don't know. Founded in 2070.
I don't know when they were founded.
All I know is if you're looking to neaten up, down below, and I
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balls etcetera. I don't know what's going on
there. But I do know that if you take a
lawnmower 4.02, which is this electric razor the manscaped
have with wireless charging, I know you'll come out bald as it
could if you want down there. You basically like the new Year
is a time where people go, oh, I'm going to start this at new
year, new me. But actually, if you took your
trousers and pants off, you'd realise that it's still the old
you. You know, a lot of people are
still unkept down there, you know, Tom Hanks and Castaway
vibes. And that's not what you should
be. You know, Manscaped have these
quality products, Ball deodorant, ball cleanser, ball
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week because they just gave me for a week and it self drives.
And what's more impressive than that is ball deodorant like Elon
Musk probably like that's hectic.
You're saying that genuinely, if you told me 10 years ago I'd be
talking to a camera about ball deodorant, I'd have said, I'd
have said you're crazy. But here we are doing it and we
have a deal with Manscape. We use a Code Tea with me for
20% off and free shipping. I, I made it sound like if you
do that, then there's something else.
But if you use a code tea with me, you get 20% off and free
shipping. I said if you use a code tea
with me and get 20 for free shipping, as if there'd be
something after that, but there isn't.
That's all you need to. I'm too warm manscaped.
My guest today is none other than a man known to known to
some as the Goblin King, a man known to others as Twank, but
known simply to us as Kieran Maliki.
Jared Bartlett, Right or wrong? Right, right.
People think that the Jared is a confirmation name, but that's my
actual name. What's your confirmation name?
I wishes What? Martin.
After St.
Martin de Porres. Martin Deport, He plays for Real
Madrid. Yeah.
So like the make you pick a scent and then you learn about
that scent, right? I mean.
Martin de Porres, tell me more about him.
Something. Cute.
I believe, I believe a South American scent.
He would have to. He's certainly not from the
Shankle called Martin de Porres. De Porres and he he's not Irish,
but the the the apparently he could, he could buy locate,
which is not, I don't mean like when people say that.
Can you buy locate? I'm like, is that like a type of
gay door for like by people? But like, you could be in two,
you could be in two places at once, just doing shit.
Martin de Porres. Yeah.
So Martin de Porres could be could be playing badminton but
also making an omelette. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who's your favourite St? Alan St Maximan No, who's my
favourite St Shit I enjoy. I enjoy because we want the
Aquinas. We'll go Thomas Aquinas like you
know what I mean? What was he known for?
For being thick, apparently, but then like like thick as people
thought he was thick but then turns out like he's an amazing
philosopher and you know, story of my.
Life people think I'm this like thick, you know, you know,
airhead bimbo guy secretly ask me anything, ask me anything.
Ask Yeah. Have you ever used the ball
wipes? I have.
The ball wipes, no. The ball toner, yes.
And I looked at my balls after and I thought are these more
toned? And the answer was yes.
Toner. Yeah.
Like, is that like makeup for your balls?
No, it's like to just tone the skin.
All right, OK. All right.
What that means? Like well I I got used.
The ball wipes. I got, I got the wipes for, I
mean, I'm saying for Christmas, I didn't buy them for myself
ahead of Christmas, you know, like I didn't get them.
You know where you go. I'm getting that is.
This a gift from your wife? Yeah.
It'd be weird if it was your mom.
Wouldn't I know? Yeah, yeah.
But also, even though coming from your wife, it is slightly
weird because it is sort of somebody going sort, sort your
bollocks out, but like. Did you did she use our discount
code? She may well have, I don't know.
We'll have to look. Into that because if not, tell
her to send the products back used or unused and then buy them
again. Used or used or used.
Oh no, you could say. Do you think there's a market to
buy your used balls? I think probably, yeah.
Probably in north Belfast. No, Yeah, You know what I mean.
Knots Corner. Smithfield, If you set up a shop
in Smith, a retail unit, Smithfield on your ball.
Yeah, if that was going to be anywhere, it would be
Smithfield. Yeah.
Let me ask you this big shooter, if you if human existence was
wiped out but you were the only person left.
You know that like movie scenario?
Yeah, Would I still wear clothes?
No, I know you wouldn't wear clothes, but what would you,
what would you get up to? What would you do?
Like would you, you know, would you go and like buy, like not
buy? Would you go and get the best
car you could? Would you like to wrap around
Belfast driving a Ferrari? How?
How His human existence been wiped out, Right?
Yeah. Where all the people are dead
apart from me, but cars are still a thing.
Is it just? It's just happened and it's it's
a thing you can't explain. And you could let me ask you
this. Would you dedicate time to
finding out what happened or would you just be like, well,
fuck, it's happened. Let me just.
Get I'd probably put on a one man show of what happened.
You know what I mean? Just directed.
Directed by Produced by starring.
Imagine like one other person that survived and they were like
looking for life all over Belfast and they kept kept
hearing this wee bit of a noise like a like a top, like a top,
top, top and like it kept drawing them towards like
Belfast and or like Ryan Strom Millis and it was like top, top,
top. And they're like someone may be
doing Morse code or whatever. If I lost my mind.
And then it just LED them into the lyric and you had two top
shoes on and you were performing a one man show called
Desolation. I don't know what I would do in
that situation. Would you?
No, but would you like? A play FIFA if it was still
available. Everything's available,
everything's untouched. It's just all humans are gone.
So you can make your own subway. You make your own sub.
I love that that's your level. So you could like.
The world, the world's yours and you want to go in the subway,
you want to put a wee bit more meat in.
Yeah, just no, it's I would just, I would do the sauce right
the never sauce it properly. As in they do too much or too
little or what's your great? Things, they never sauce it
right to the end, right? So you always get a dry bite on
both ends. I've stopped all this the way to
before, not because of that reason.
What? What's the reason?
I think I said this before, it was about like the the weird
somebody did like Adna test of their chin of Mayo and realised
like there's no chin in it. So I was like.
What do you mean they did a DNA like like like ancestry type?
No, like, you know, like they, they had like a.
Just tuna, Spanish with Irish. Some kind of some kind of like
chemical thing like, you know where the like they're they're
able to profile what's in it and there was no fish in.
It do you know what I like, right?
You. You know I'm the unwise
philosopher, right? I don't really know a lot of
stuff, and you do, and it's very rare you're called out.
But when I said is it like a chemical?
You said as a chemical thing and I asked you more about it.
You don't know what they did to it.
It's ADNI profile. Yeah, but.
But I mean like they don't, they don't send it to Ancestry.
They'll come and go order this tuner.
Have you ever? Done.
That well, ancestry. Said tuner.
Now, have you ever liked? Sampachi bones in do.
You know much about your ancestors.
I know some, genuinely, yeah. Like what?
Well, like my great my great grounder fought World War One.
It sounds like a great guy. So I think he has squad of kids
classic like. With him in World War, with him
in. World War like seven teenagers
to the song. Get under your weak bastards.
You're going to work with your nanny today.
He now apparently I think he had a squad of kids.
So my my granny was born in 19 O 4 right?
And she was the she was the eldest in their family, so
between. 19 Belfast. Yeah.
So between 19-O four and like 1914 when the world when the war
started, in that 10 years, I think they had six or seven
kids. And he was in the war.
So. Was he sending it back?
So my granny's mom died, right? Right.
And then like at the near the start of the war, my granny was
sort of then as the oldest was like raising her brothers and
sisters from like being like 9 or 10, right, made her made her
dead on by the way. And then and and then I think
around 1916, McGregor Granda went, I know what I'll do.
I'll go to the fucking war. And he went over to the war just
doing his head short. He was in the in a skill and
Fusiliers. Yeah.
And I went. I went just like in a bit of
fucking peace. Yeah, Shard.
With mustard gas. So he went and got He's going.
He's going, trust me, if you fucking.
Listen to her. I've just I've just remembered,
mate, this is fucking excellent. I can't believe that this has
come up. So is the Alexander Branham was
his name right? So he went.
He went over to the war, got mustard cast and then and
riddled, apparently with machine gunfire.
With he meant like with. With some sort of syphilis,
Yeah. No, he, he with trench deck.
And so I, I love diseases like that, you know, where they're
like, it's like a name like that.
Like crotch rot or like trench food?
Because it it's what it's like, Ron T, like trench foot is what
it is. Yeah, it's a trench and it's
your foot mixed and then. But hold on, you're saying he
got rid of a machine gun? Fire, yes, I only found this out
recently and I do mean recently, like in the last four or five
years, I found out what really happened to him because I know
that he came back from the war and died from his wounds like a
year later. However, the wound that I was
told, and I do mean this and I sucked this in until it was in
my 30s, was he had been. So there was apparently a metal
like like metal bit in the heel of the boots.
And I, I get told this, this is the story I was told a sniper.
So he was, he was apparently land prone and a sniper called
his profile and fired on him and the bullet apparently went down
down through his shoulder here and then went through, down
through him hit. This is what I was told hit the,
the cap, the, the, the, the heel of the boot ricocheted and went
up and took his toe off. And I was totally died because
of the toe wank rank dangerousness.
And I sucked down until I was in my 30s.
And then Arlene was doing research on it and found out
that actually now he'd been like smattering of machine gunfire
and muster gas and came home and died of that.
But I do have a story about what a sound guy was.
But can I, can I just ask? Can I ask a question?
I don't mean to be rude. Am I what?
Was he a Chuckle Brother? Yes.
He got a shot through the shoulder and hit his heel.
He went through his toe. Made a shoe really like I got
told this this is my dad told me and I believed it so so hard.
The Chuckle Brothers in the First World War.
So they're in charge. They're in charge of the Canon.
You don't want to know how this goes.
So. It's pointed the wrong way.
So apparently when he came back, my granny had been making lens
meet by but maybe she was 10 minutes.
So we should be making Lens meet by making soda bread and potato
bread and like waiting and selling it in the streets, like
in the like, I don't mean like going around the street, like
just going bread here. Like, I mean selling the two
people in her St on the next street.
OK. And he came back and found out
about this and my granny whipped up a batch and so little.
And then she made her, he made her go round the street and give
all the money back, but not take the bread back off people
because we're not beggars. And then he died.
So he just seems like a bit of a whack.
What the shit has come back of all time?
Could have been a cool guy back from where I got shot.
Oh, what happened? Well, fucking long story,
Bugster. But it give all them.
Do you know what that's exactly? Do you know that's exactly like
I whenever I was a child, like Peace P4P5I had a toy car, had a
few toy cars, but one of them in particular was a little
Mercedes. And it was kind of cool.
And there was a guy in my class called Ross McCrory.
Let's not shy away from his name.
And he was a car guy and he liked it.
And he said that's a real nice wee car.
And I said, yeah, no worries. He goes, I'd be interested in
acquiring it. And I said I'll sell you this
for 5 lbs. And he said no worries, Comes in
the next day, cash in hand. Here he is.
There's your fiver, his pocket money, whatever.
I give him the wee toy car. My dad finds out about it,
drives me to his house, Ross Mccrory's house.
I've been because he fancied the guy's mom, right?
My dad drives me to Ross Mccrory's house, forces me to
hand back the £5 and then goes leaves the car and then goes.
We obviously didn't want the car.
Oh mate, I would. Not, and I brought this up maybe
15 years later to my dad and when the severity of it, when it
was said back to him, he realised he'd done wrong and I
made him give me. Have I told you a story about my
wee soldiers? Pardon.
My I had these wee action figures that you could get, you
could buy. He bought them two at a time.
No, but like they came and passed the 2 is what I mean.
And the IT wasn't like some sort of weird, you know, it must be
two. The IT was the recalled core,
like C, you know, like CORPS and corps, yes, and core men or core
action figures, right, and they're all they're all
different. So there were we do about that
size, but all the joints moved all them like wrists, elbows,
shoulders, Dick, everything moved head and all right, and
they all had like a different weapon and they all the role of
like from different special forces all over the world,
right. And there was about 40 of these
fucking things and they all had like that you could get
different vehicles and all for them.
Where would you get them? A specialist shop.
Duns and the toy bit and Duns all right, used to be a toy bit
or you would get them in toy shops at that time.
And there was a few part for two of them and I used to look like
my sister worked in duns. So like if we were ever going
down normal mum was doing a bit of shopping and duns in parks
out there, I'd have been like Sheila, right?
So I was wrong me but. And I had a lot of these, right?
And they were the shit. Like they were the shit, right,
Because they weren't as big as like an action man.
Do you know what I mean? Like there were, there were,
and. You have more control over
there. More dexterity and they were all
different. Like it would be like, here's a
guy from like Korean special forces.
French Foreign Legion. Here's a French Foreign Legion
guy. Here's a fun Australian Outback
guy. Your mum was in it and I don't
believe you, but I'm the and was she actually the tape woman?
What do they take women in the French foreigners?
Looking horrible attitude, continuous story.
They as cat up my street. Have I told you a story before?
I'm not over this. Like I mean this comes up.
What age did you have been here? It right this comes up
surprisingly regularly in my life right as cat up my street.
I'll tell you his name. Simon he.
I heard him already, Simon. So he was new on our street,
right? And I was playing with him.
He's a year older. me and I was playing with him and we were
playing with my soldiers and I left them on my front doorstep
to go and get my dinner and when I came out he was gone and loads
of the wee soldiers were gone. So how many roughly did you
leave? How many roughly would he have
taken with him? I had about 10 or 12 of these
things. Sitting on the doorstep.
And I think when I came out there was like 2 left, right?
So he'd taken quite a lot of them.
I'm not happy, right? And he lived up around our
corner and I wasn't allowed to go up there on meal on the
Blacks Road. And I'm, you know, the ghetto.
And I, my brother sort of walked me around and I knocked his door
and I was like, what's the price?
And it's like, I don't have them.
And I went, I'm not buying this, right?
So like the next day I was like distraught.
And we're looking for them. Did you cry?
Definitely and I'm. Like making a noise shoulders in
it. I could cry now about what went
on right, because I'd be a great.
So I, I, I, I was distraught. He can't, he was in the street
the next day and I went outside and went, mate, you know, come
on, you've fucking taken these like, and he ran up to his house
and I was like, he's definitely got them.
And I went then and I called for Jim, right?
I went to Bartlett front and centre, sort me right?
And I says to him like he told him what had happened and he's
like fuck sake, right? So we'll go up the street and he
knocks on the door and he's speaking to Simon's man.
She's like, oh mummy, right? So she goes in and says to Simon
and the next thing Simon comes out to the door, begged, tears
in his eyes. And I go on right because I know
I'm getting my shit back. He'd smashed loads on like they
were in bets like. Do you think he'd done that
because he knew inevitably he was going to have to hand them
back so and he didn't want you to enjoy them?
I think so. I'm not over this.
And he so caught some of them were in bets, right?
And I'm like, oh, mate. And my dad was like, that's OK,
that's fine, right? A couple of them are OK, get
back to the house. And my dad has, you know, Jim
Bartlett's engineer's mind. Go on.
I'll fix this. Right?
So he puts them together and what can only be described as a
mishmash of he fucks it. No, no, like he was good at
putting stuff. I guess he was good at this.
This was a shit he really was like and he was trying to
fucking spur me. You know if I've lost 8 of them,
I'm going to get 5 back here, right?
Made-up of spur random bits, right?
Oh, so it might be like another guy's arm.
It was like. One guy's torso, somebody else's
legs, Frankenstein, an arm, a face, Right.
Yeah. And so I'm getting some shit
back. But it was like, you know,
here's a guy from the Outback wearing wee shorts with, like, a
Navy Savers mask on. You're like.
Did you look down on the ones that weren't like the rest?
Of them, I definitely looked down on these because one of
them, like the fifth guy had a marker lid for an arm, like a
long white marker lid. And I went, I remember being it
and thinking, Jim, what the fucks this right?
Yeah. And I went, what's that?
And my dad was like, it's like a cannon for his arm love.
I'm Jim. Yes, Jim, you're shave.
You're shaving me. Like Jim at the time was very
forward thinking because in 2022, all they would all have to
be like that. Yeah.
They'd be like, why couldn't, Why couldn't this person have a
marker live, you know? So I like that.
From your dad, yeah. He's progressive, yeah, but
yeah, I'm not a lot like. Did you ever see that kid again
or? Yeah, like it was me at some
toes about 13. What's it Julie's doing with his
life now? I don't actually know.
I don't know what he's doing. It's interesting.
Presumably, you know smashing toys, but I'm.
Smashing things up. I, I had a guy where I lived
again, just moved to the area, right, which was always like,
you've got to be very careful how you play it.
If you're new, you know, it's easy to, I think kids especially
obviously like you lie when you move to a new place, which I, I
didn't, right. But I watch it happen a lot
where kids would come to a new place and had a chance to just
tell their own truth, tell a version of who they were.
And this kid moved in. And so I'm knocking about, you
know, maybe joined them was playing football.
I sort of got a bit MIDI with him.
And I said because like when you're a kid, right, when you're
when you meet him, when you're an adult and you meet an adult,
one of the lead and queer, Oh, what's your name?
Tell you my name, shake hands, whatever.
Care about your Bartlett? When you're a kid, there's no
formalities like that. So after being made to this guy
for about two months, I went What's your name?
And he goes. I've definitely done that.
He goes. Sheen and I went Uncle, uncle
Sheen too. He's like, you know, and I went
Oh, what mad? We're both called Sheen.
He's like I know. And I was like that's like weird
the Sheen's or whatever. And he thought that was Class 2.
And then about six months later, I was playing with some other
boys from like this did. And then they went, I mentioned
she. I was like, we'll get she in to
play with this and all. And they were like, who?
I was like Sheen. And they're like a guy's called
Matthew. I confronted him about this and
I was like, you said your name was Sheen.
He said, yeah, it is. I said they said you're all
called Matthew. Oh, yeah.
I said, did you say your name was Chain?
That like impressed me. And he's like, yeah, I just
thought, be cool if I was called.
You were called. I know.
There was a wheel out of my first school class called
another Karen. He was called another Karen,
Yeah, and another Karen. And I would have referred to him
as the bold Karen because he was.
So it's like which? Character from an Oscar Y the.
Bold Karen. Yeah, but it was like he was.
I would also like if I did something bold, I would
sometimes come home and confess to it and say the bold Karen did
it here. Technically it's head if you
know you. You're walking a thin line
because you potentially could have been a school shooter.
And when they said like, why did you do it?
You would go the bold Karen did it.
I mean, I was obsessed. There was an Army helmet in my
class and I wore it every day like I was obsessed with to the
point where when I left that school my mom had to buy me.
Another one an upper SEC. Yeah, I loved it.
It had that and that moment, you know, for like putting that's a
shed into like leaves and all. No, I just I just imagine you in
class I was. Literally like 4.
I was adorable. No, you were.
Private partner. To every morning reporting for
Judy. All right, Karen, I.
Was a general all right, that's that's not the most way boss me
about fucking thirty grade service.
What was I going to say though? No, I I'm not over that toys
thing. But yeah, that thing's funny
about about being in UK. Were you ever the new kid?
No, no, not in terms of even of moving, but did you ever move
schools? No, only women like we you moved
to like bigger school like I never transferred schools.
I did 3 primary schools right. Why?
Because you kept shooting up with an army helmet and they're
like OK. Yeah, because it was.
I was coming in with like soap and a sock and beating the fuck
out of the other kids. But I'm I was, well, I moved
house. I moved house.
You're like, seriously. Why?
Yeah. Yeah.
No, I moved house. Made the answer is not fun.
Like I moved house for the first one and then I did two years in
there in the second school and then I was victimised by a
teacher in there. And were you?
Yeah. And then I left there and went
to the skillet. I stayed in there.
Was the teacher like very Republican you kept showing up
in your? I was showing up and she was
very republican and I was SDLP, you know, So she didn't like,
she didn't like. Why did a teacher just take
against you? She she was a Dick.
She was a Dick like against other people in the class too.
She was hitting us and all and fucking.
She put someone, she put me in a cupboard and I was like, I'm not
having this. So I say I I wasn't as reserved
as going on the having this. I was like.
Did you get out of it? Did you get out of it same day
like? No, I was, I think it was in
there for about a month P3. What?
Yeah, I was in there for about a month of P3 and the wouldn't
move me classes. I'm a man went right.
We're moving on skill line, so. Was the teacher young?
Nah, she was not her. Like, sorry, I'm not over that
either. Like I'm not over.
Do you know what she's didn't I? No.
Hopefully pushing up Daisy somewhere, but I don't know.
She was a deck. And then years later I
befriended the son of the principal of that school and I
was talking to him. He was the principal not when I
was there. He was the principal when I
befriended a son when I was like 20 old.
And I remember saying to him about her and she he was like,
oh, she was like every year there was all those kids leaving
her class and all. I'm like soccer maybe, but.
I had a teacher basically try and hit me bigger school like
second form right? It was history class and I had
forgotten my book or my file or whatever it was.
And he said, well, just sit there then and do whatever you
want. No, he meant that sarcastically.
I did not know that. I thought he meant sit there and
do whatever you want. And I was like, I was like a
messer, but not, not a disruption.
I wasn't like, you know, a nightmare for teachers, like
teachers like me. But they knew I couldn't
concentrate. So I sat with like a like a
wrestling magazine or something, right?
Like he's, he's teaching us about fucking gerbils.
And I'm just like reading an interview with fucking the
Godfather, right? And and I'm sitting there doing
something I would reading something that's not related to
the class. And he's walking up and down old
school kind of teacher, and he takes the book or the file or
whatever and he fucks it into a store room at the door where the
classroom is. It's pretty aggressive.
Like and I'm sitting there like, all right, and I know I never
got intimidated by teachers even like the scary teacher, you're
in no way going to scare because like, what are you going to do?
I knew they can do anything, you know, like we had a date, we had
a miles teacher. No teachers were cocks.
If you shout full pelt in a kids face to try and scare the kid,
we shouldn't be teaching. So if a teacher did that, if a
teacher lost it over something trivial, I'd be like, you look
so stupid. You're definitely this sort of
kid. You've matured early though,
because most kids would just go. Yeah, no, I've never.
Had that you've gone to the point of going, If you're raised
your voice, you've lost. Sitting with a bonnet on but but
anyway, he throws it in there and then the end of the class he
says get that at the end. So at the end of the class, say
there's 20 kids in the room, I'm like the 3rd or 4th to get up.
I go into the store room and like, go to grab the book and I
feel a hand on the back, on the scarf of my neck, pulling me
back. And I think it's someone in my
class fucking about. You know, you're interesting.
At that age, you're palm fuller. Really.
Yeah. So it was a boy in my class.
I thought it was, but it's going to be, anyone's going to be in.
But she and elegance. But they just kept pulling me
back and I hit a wall right and like my head hit the back of the
wall and I still thought it was someone fucking about it and it
was the teacher and he grabbed me then by the scruff of the
neck, but was very like he had me by the scruff of the neck and
I think then he had his hat. Then he kept his hand like this
and he was like if he was a fucking pussy like, but he kept
the hand like this shaking and started shooting in my face and
like aimed either a punch or a push at me that I like.
I've I matrixed because I was doing a lot of like can't like
couple commandments. I've done something.
I did that. He jazz handled him.
Yeah, I got out of it and then and then he just stood there
kind of almost like shaken and I went up to tell my like form
teacher about it and he was like in no way surprised.
The guy got put on like garden leaf.
You know, they're like. Oh yeah.
Sure, the might think he was leaving anyway, but it was it
was my. But then that like I had no bad
history with that teacher. Yeah, but I'd say it could be
like the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Yeah, yeah, he could be having problems with like the worst kid
in the school. Yeah, yeah.
And. You do something that's
innocuous and they're like. Didn't lose it.
I fucking I didn't really like a lot of school like to be far
but. We're having trouble.
Like like not, not really. I think there I think, you know,
hip puberty probably and there was you.
Get in trouble for. That there, yeah, because they
just developed so quickly, you know?
It's pretty you couldn't have got in touch with
manscapemanscape.com and used the code T with me for 20% off
for free. Shipping, yeah, I think there
was like a week. What age did you hear puberty
at? What like second year like?
Really. What is that like late?
I think it's, well, I think it's early.
Like mid second year, what are you?
I was like between 13 and 14. No, I was.
Like 13 like. I think I'd have been like.
Like my voice broke around then I remember my voice breaking and
like in second year. See, here's the thing.
Mine broke over like a gradual period.
Some people just overnight came in like Barry White to school.
I like. You came back in.
You came back in after that first year summer.
Yeah. And like, I'm standing there
doing fucking boy soprano doing consider yourself in the middle
of Oliver like. But then, you know, we weren't
even doing a skill show. It was just me.
But I, I. I come back in a second year and
all the new first years are coming in and I'm going.
Go on city yourself, I hope. Yeah.
So. OK, whatever we've got we share,
but you don't like you don't. Accept them.
It's Mccoy's, mate. No Casey's vaccine, no jerseys.
I Yeah, mate. No, I, I What the fuck were we
on about there? Well, I'm thinking about Oliver.
Now when people came back from the first year.
Of summer, people would come back in.
That was like, yeah, they're coming in like.
I'd probably hit puberty like a year later than right.
OK, whatever averages I'm sure. Well, like I definitely, I
remember my voice breaking in in second year just after the
shows. So like just after Halloween,
like, because my voice held and I was worried about it cracking,
you know, like, you don't want to be in the middle of singing.
And I'd be like, but one of my mates, his voice took a long
time to break and he was very nervous about it.
And like, there was a couple of girls in our class, you know,
like we would go into like different classes like our RE
teacher or our English teacher. We'll just go who was reading
last day? Yeah, You know, if you're
reading something like class, who was reading last day?
And they would always say whoever he was sitting said, do
you know what I mean? So if he was like, I mean, Keira
last night, it's Martin's turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then Marty be sitting there on yeah, fucking hit all these.
And then when he read met, it was literally, he literally
sounded like, you know, that, you know, the the fast food kid
in Simpsons. Yeah, yeah.
You know, I'm sorry, Sir. You know, I was like that, but I
think I got lucky and like a lot of people in my class were
exactly the same, so it wasn't. Plus I went to an all boy
school. So you weren't worried, but you
weren't embarrassed about that? I, I, Nah, there was plenty of
room for embarrassment. Like when when it's mixed like
it's, it's rare, but I, I definitely just, it was the
thing you said about like you can speak your own truth, make
up a wee version of yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I fucked that whenever I, whenever I started in my primary
school that I ended up staying in from P3 to P7, right.
Literally first day. So in the primary school I was
in in Saint Lan's definitely like, I don't know if this is
still a thing. I would doubt it is, but in my
class there was a thing where if you wanted to answer a question,
you put your hand up. Yeah, Right.
And then when the teacher would say your name, you stood up and
answered it and then stopped back there.
No. Right.
Yeah, that was too. Much right, Too much admin in
that. Right.
Well, this was this was the thing in your woman's class.
So like, that's what we were doing.
And we're in, I'm in the new class and it's this is Karen.
And you know, everybody's fucking staring at me and I'm
like. Yeah, you hated that?
Yeah. This is Karen and I'm standing
stage freeze like fucking Mr Mustafili's right and I.
Pleasure to like you had you had.
You were too like people. Coming in too many.
Words. Purple, purple robe.
My fucking Garland on the fucking head.
Pleasure to be amongst my peers here and I asking people
individually how this. Is Karen.
I'm sitting in grips and yes. Coming up, the gardener on.
A fucking rare and there were so I went then and like met people
and and then like, you know, we're doing whatever the first
thing is and teacher asks a question.
I was up, Karen and I stayed up and answered it and everyone
laughed and I went, I'm fucked. Like that's it.
I've just I've written myself off for the first year.
Where did they laugh? Because like they didn't do
that. Like I, I stood up, answered
the. Questions at school before.
Yeah, stood up and they're all gone.
And and also the teacher in our school whenever we were in in St
in Saint Anne's, when they were doing the role, you had to say
present. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But but. In fucking St Coleman's they
they were saying on Shaw, like in Arsh, right?
And I was like, right, OK, so they're all going on Shaw and I
didn't even know what the fuck they were saying, but I'm like,
I I think I was like first or so I think I was second in the
role. So first week or was like Ernie
and began with A and then they go her.
She was on Shaw Karen Bartlett and I'm like present and
everybody's like I'm. Like you went to school with
Penguin? Yeah, went to school with
fucking Columbo's wife. She's.
Always on the phone. Yeah, you, you never met her.
She's only ever on the phone. Yeah, right, right.
And fuck sake. And Columbo, like did you hear
they're bringing back Quantum Leap?
I don't know what quantum leap is.
Quantum leap, like you know where like the guy travels back
in time to put right what once went wrong.
Like no. That's Mr Ben.
No, no, you still not empty dress shop.
I'm not. He was a baller.
I can't. Do remember Mr Ben.
Yeah. Sly that they call it.
Like Mr Bing got all the headlines but Mr Ben, who
started to take the knockoff version of Mr. Bean, but a
totally different Mr Ben was. Good.
Mr Ben was good. Mr. Bean was great.
Wasn't Mr Ben the one where it would say and then as if by
magic, and then he would be in whatever, whatever the costume
was, like if it was a space suit, he'd be an astronaut or
whatever. Yeah, would you like to be an
astronaut? No, I it seems really boring.
It doesn't seem. It seems like a lot of.
Physical. I love that you'd.
Seems like a lot of physical training to go and screw things
in. I love that you'd be in outer
space and they're looking at Earth and all and you're just
there. No, but like, I mean like once
you've seen that though, there's nothing else exciting because
the the rest of it is go outside and change the screws on this
hinge and if you fuck it up and there's a high chance I'd fuck
that up. If you fuck it up, you die.
I would you what if we doing is it doing IKEA with somebody
holding a gun to your head and going if you fuck this up?
Yeah, you know what I mean. Would you like to do the what if
we could do the podcast in space?
Because I've got a Tesla at the minute.
So like Elon, what if Musk? Is that part of it you just
fucking? I've signed a contract.
We have to contractually. You hit the motor bypass at the
right speed, you just keep going.
You know, I don't know why I was given a Nazi salute on your
fucking yeah. I don't know, mate.
I would. You want to be in space?
I don't think it's for me. Look, I mean, nobody's ever
offered me. I wouldn't.
Like to go now but when they sort it all out and it's easier
and all, I'll go then. You know the way when a dog does
a shit compared with a cat? Yeah, it's a lot.
I've never seen a cat do shit. You've never seen a cat shit.
I've seen a cat shit, but I've never seen a cat.
Shit, I've never seen it happen to be fair, but that's what I
mean I've seen. What it means, I mean, that's a
tree falling in the woods. Yeah, yeah.
You've seen cats shit. You've seen cats shit, but you
haven't seen. You've seen cat shit, but you
haven't seen cat shit. Yeah.
Has anyone? I don't know.
Somebody will have somebody's probably into it like, but the
there's. A.
But have you ever seen? Can I ask you something?
You ever seen a cat's Dick? I've heard about cat's Dicks
where they're. You haven't seen it?
No, it's like a Christmas tree ship or something where it's
like, it's like pointy isn't it? Apparently the deck scrubs the
inside of the the cat vag. Yeah, Barb, that's the word.
Barb. Barb Yeah.
Barb Windsor. Barb Barbara Windsor.
Yeah, Barbra Streisand, But the. Cats keep the decks in the
inside. You know the way the.
Cats keep their decks in the inside because if you left, if
you turn the cat upside down, you said you said deck.
I don't know. I've never turned a cat upside
down. Don't like cats?
I'm allergic to them. Yeah, they're sure we bastards.
Also, there's no charm. Here's the thing.
Don't do. A cat doesn't do.
It I don't like this controversial.
This super vet annoys me don't like him full of himself Noel
someone Oh this guy you don't podcast Yeah, Noel Fitzpatrick,
the Super vet the programme also that's a nickname.
I guarantee he sort of started, or at least you have to be like,
don't imagine people built Kieran Bartlett super comedian.
You'd be like, well. You know, well, that sounds like
you've started that, but. But like I I just I don't like
the Super vet. Are you talking about me or hung
Kieran Bartlett? Because.
Big cock Kieran Bartlett Yeah, I don't like the Super vet.
I know a lot of people like him, but I.
Is he, isn't he the guy like, and he does like, like actually
mad shit where it's like I'm going to repair this fucking 15
year old dog's hip and you're like help people.
Yeah, you know, that's controversial.
I'm going to get Castle Flat but like he's.
Like I'm going to do it with bamboo and a fucking VHS player,
you know? I don't like I don't.
It's all about him. I It should be about the wee
animals. Yeah, seem to be far right.
I wouldn't wish harm on on cats, but I don't like them like they
harm me, right? Do you know what I mean?
I I don't believe that cats have owners.
They have slaves. Do you know what I mean?
I don't like that I'm scared of dogs, but I do.
But I do like dogs. Yeah, but this is what I was
getting to. You know, I was saying when a
dog does a shit, sometimes it's like like it's a mound of shit,
right? But when a cat does one, it's
just like a wee fucking, what would you even call it?
A wee fucking bourbon biscuit with her on it, right.
And I feel like if I went, I feel like if I went into space
now all the other astronauts are always skinnies and we hard
bodies, they'd be doing wee cats as shits.
We all, all I've eaten for the last six months is like fucking,
you know, rehydrated fucking potato mix or whatever.
Yeah, I know that if I went there like I would be doing if I
did one of my shits in space and went past the window, I'd get
sucked. Yeah, do you know what I mean?
Like that's what. I it would change the course of
plus existence. To be far, I reckon if I was on
the International Space Station, might be a problem for elements
in Alley Town to do a fucking Chinese delivery.
Like, yeah, they won't even go as far as Ballymachesh, so
there's no way they're going in that outer atmosphere.
Are you my fucking 4 miles to the right of Mars?
Just, you know, Rand's belt. I'm fucking.
I'm on the belt Boggle. I don't even understand space.
Do you ever think about space? I do so ask me.
Anything No. Would you ever like actually
think about space and after about thinking about it, after
thinking about it for about 6 minutes, you immediately go no,
like it freaks me out it. Doesn't freak me out when you
have a heavy understanding of it.
Heavy, heavy understanding of a weightless success.
Space is one of those things, man.
There's a lot to it, I feel. Like I'm talking to Brian Cox
right now, not the actor. He's brand mainstream, you know,
but I would, yeah, I fucking would know a lot about.
The actually what do you know? What do you want to?
Know I want to know. I want right?
So I want to know. We're the only planet that can
have fire. The conditions are right for
fire. It's not true in our solar
system. What do you mean?
Surely there's fire on marsh, no?
You're going to confuse life on Mars, David boy.
That's a great song. It is.
Surely there's Surely you could set a fire on Mars.
Why can't it? Is this trace signs like?
Should they? Mike, can you look that up?
That sounds very right. Because needle on the oxygen.
There is oxygen on Mars, is there not?
No, it's. Not the right levels.
Sounds like BS but like please look up is there oxygen?
It's a different kind of oxygen have.
You ever been to Oxygen Festival?
No, was never allowed. By the organisers.
Yeah, yeah. That's that's what I call my mom
dad as well. Allow me to get you.
Do I go for a sleepover at my house?
Let me check with the organisers, see if I if I when I
was a kid and you were a kid, if I'd hosted you for a sleepover,
there'd be a million caveats. I wouldn't have been allowed to
go. Your parents would come the day
before to do a site visit. I would not.
But Jim would have shown up with a hard hat on the clipboard.
Karen. Karen needs it to be the right
temperature. Do you know what he actually
amazingly what he used for his real job was a clipboard and a
stopwatch. It would be amazing if he
fucking showed up and was like, how long does it take you to
make breakfast? These ferries on this.
My Bartlett's getting you to replace appliances and all.
She's like, that's not the brand Karen likes pancakes done on.
It's a top point. Fuck off.
I don't know mate. I I wouldn't have been allowed.
I didn't. I didn't go on sleep.
I was never allowed. My mom was like, we'll put a
film on and you're like, why put it on when we can perform it?
I did love a wee performance like yeah, I could.
I could definitely like do a one man show.
Sam Brides for Sam brothers. I could be all the brides and
all the brothers. Yeah, 100.
Percent What is Sam bride somebody Oh.
Shane, you're hurt me here like it's a classic musical.
Hard kill, you know, hard kale. He played.
He's in Calamity Jane as well. He played Bill Hickok.
You, you're like Top Trump's, always outdoing yourself with
You mentioned someone on the podcast, I said I don't know who
they are, and then you said their name more aggressively.
No. But hard kale.
Do you not know fucking Gregory? Simpson, famous singer with
like, you know, a very rich, I believe, baritone voice.
And then Jane Powell, I think she has like, the big soprano
voice. She plays his wife.
So basically he's like a scrummaging backwoodsman and he
has like 6 brothers and they all live like.
Backwoodsman Yeah, it's like a description of someone at the
giant ring. So my uncle's a scrummaging
backwardsman by night the. Taking the dog for a walk
There's. Not that I will be.
The dog just has fucking Vietnam eyes, you know what I mean?
So there's like, yeah, so he has like 6 brothers and they're all
living like like hogs in this farm.
And he goes into town looking for a wife and he fucking
convinces some woman the common common live with him like and
this is like in in, you know, it's old timey like and. 90s.
I and I'm 1790s and she she goes out and lives on, but then
realises the way they're living fucking won't have it cleans the
cleans the place up, cleans them up and then sends them out
looking for women in the town and and the women like them.
But the women are all got like suitors already.
And then they kidnap these women and take them back to their farm
and there's an avalanche. I mean, when you're saying this
it it doesn't sound great. No, but it's a good show.
It's good fun. And then they fall.
All the women fall in love with them, but it it retells the
story of the Sea of Iron women from play talks lives that's
have you. Ever been skiing?
You mentioned avalanche. You ever been skiing?
No, I think I'd probably cause the fucking avalanche.
No, I haven't. I think.
I don't think it's for me. I don't like to be out of
control in that sort of way, like, and I would definitely not
have the control you said you're good at.
It though, oh look at me like you can tell.
I was scared. Just tell that be it, yeah.
I don't know if they do second skins in my size, but I no, it's
not for me. All I hate Anahang.
I really like. I really hate Anahang where the
where there's a culture around it that requires specific
clothes, perhaps even multiple, multiple types of clothes.
So like you're old skiing, you need that ski.
I'm out on the mountain shit and then you need I'm a wanker in
the ski lodge. What's called that?
Prey ski, my friend. Well, that exact that meet.
Me in the chalet. For a that's I would be like me
going come around to the house. You have to wear flounces when
we're eating. And then I prayed, you know?
You get yourself to know skiing. We went second year in school,
school ski trip, right? Why not?
And it was in France, it was outside Lyon and, and there was,
we were in second year, but there was people from all
different years in school. Like older fellows?
Yeah, yeah. And the older guys who say we
were second year, the fifth years bought a box of beer and
they were like, and the teachers definitely knew about it, but
they were like, look, we're probably not.
We're probably best not fucking kill themselves.
If the if they were trying to put out fires everywhere, yeah,
like let them have drinks in the room.
If it goes to another level, we'll sort it out.
The teacher's attitude anyway. Me and my wee mates in my year
weren't drinking, but one guy was.
And he's like putting the beers away.
He's going up to the older boys, gives another few, he's buying
beers off them and he's like just sinking beers.
And he's like fucking 11, right? And he's like as soon as we
finished skiing, he's on the beers and he gets like there's
Dumpy's, you know, he dumpy beers, they're those, right?
And and he gets fucking like blind drunk.
He gets blind drunk and we're all supposed to go out at like
8:00, the walk around the wee village, and we used to go get a
pizza and go bowling or something.
And he's like coming to join us. But the teachers are coming too.
And he's so drunk that the older boys are going, shit, if the
teachers see he's drunk, we'll get the blame.
It'll stop all the drinking. So they try and convince them
stay in the room. They're like, don't come out
tonight. Say you feel sick, you stay in
the room, get asleep. And he's like, no, I'm going,
we're going out. We're going out.
Woo. He's like, yeah, we're doing it.
And then there was like an Asian guy in fifth year of my school
and he goes, listen, he's a big guy.
He goes, you're not going anywhere.
And he's like a dead serious guy.
And my mate, my ear goes, no, he goes, we're going out.
And the guy goes, I'm going to have to neutralise him.
And we all went right. And there's like 20 people in
our room being like, what's he going to do?
And he goes, I'm going to put him down and put him to bed and
he went over to the guy where like, what the fuck's he going
to do? Some like ancient Asian like
thing like he's on the top on the shoulder and that like sent
some like nerve that controls your sleep.
He went up to just goes up to this fucking drunk 11 year old,
punches him in the gut as hard as he can.
And then like the guy like double S over and starts being
like ah and like and then the teachers, he thought he was
going to knock him out. But.
He punched him in the stomach as hard as he could and the guy was
just like as loud as he could. And the teachers came in and the
whole thing got busted. But I think it was so funny
where he's like going to neutralise it.
So much chaos. Same trip, same guy that was
drinking in our year was in my room, staying in my room.
There's four of us. And this is so like young kid
boy thing to do and it's so shit, right?
But at that age, you don't know, we were up on like the 15th
floor and we used and the village was down below us and we
would like throw celebrations out the window sweets, right?
So shit, so wasteful. Try and hit.
Hit West. Try and hit cars right?
Try and like you know. Yeah, hit cause accidents
people, no. One's trying to cause an
accident, but you're just. Like but if an accident happens,
you're all happy. But exactly so.
We're like throwing things out and then, but we're only
throwing wee tiny things. And then this guy who's the guy
that got punched gets like a muffin in plastic wrapping, you
know, like a wee log. Text muffin.
Quite, quite a large item, yeah. Substantial, right?
And it's quite hard and he opens a window and all peeking out to
see if we've hit any car or anything again.
Fucking so embarrassed by that. But like at the time we're like
a scrapon. No one's getting hurt.
So attitude, he takes this like fruit loaf and he doesn't just
like drop it out the window, he throws it down.
So he throws it down. We like, he moves away from the
window. We're like, oh shit.
We all peer out underneath us, about 15 stories down on the
hard snow, there is an old woman lying on her back with her dog
beside her barking. And then when someone looks out
again, there's about 10 people around her and about 5 people
said you've killed her, you've killed her.
And we sprinted out of the room, locked the room, went to some
like communal like pool room or something, started like playing
snooker and then waited. And we were like we are fucked.
And people from the hotel were running about the rooms trying
to work out exactly what happened.
And to this day now we heard that like someone saw or like
get up and they like helped her up or something.
But like that guy theoretically could have killed someone for
it. Loaf on a school ski trip.
Scorned her if you will that's why they pay me in the big box
but they they they don't pay me but the I went on a school trip
man, I went on a super tig school trip right like I mean,
you know we're going for the priesthood here type of school
trip right so you. Didn't go.
You went to the priesthood for trip.
No. SO our school was.
So I'm just making sure my Tesla was charging.
Oh my God, what a what an absolute wanker comment that is.
But I'm I want to tell you a story, but I want you to look
deep into my eyes. I'm sorry, I just have to make
sure it's charging because if it's not, I can't get, I can't
get home. I'm driving home in a real.
Car. But then I won't have the car.
Oh yeah, it's charging. I think we're all good.
Apologies. So no, it's OK.
I was probably great for the podcast, but the, the, the, so I
went the diocesan grammar school.
So there's four of these right in our diocese.
So there's us. There was Aquinas, Orland,
Instant Pots, Guarantor, and fuck what's the other one?
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to me.
Simulagous, right? So there's about 2530 kids from
each school, teachers from each school.
And we all went to Rome in year 2000.
And you know, the the new Millennium, the Pope was doing
plenary indulgence. You get the stroll through this
door, all your fucking sins are forgiven, right?
Whatever. And it was a big what, the first
year of the new Millennium, right?
So. You went in AD one bro, right?
So, yeah, so you get the IT was like a year of and I'll say year
of peace or something like that. It was like there was some name
for it, right? Probably something really rare.
And so anyway, we went. Now I was mainly going for that
pussy for that call. Yeah, I was going for that
Coliseum shit so. What do you call it?
Yeah, you got to go see. Daddy, some of that Coliseum.
Yeah, give me some of that arena pussy.
So do you know why it's called an arena?
This is good. This is good.
We bit of trivia. Enjoy us.
Arena is the Latin word for sound and that's what was on the
floor. So that's what anyway, so the
soak up the blood. So the it's good knowledge in
it. Yeah, it's good shit.
So I was going for that and you we got the one of the catacombs
and all and it was a fucking brilliant trip.
But one of the things that we did do as well went to see a
Lazio match, right load of fucking kids from Belfast, right
going into Lazio in the Olympic Stadium.
So what one kid is fucked up from like I think he was only in
first year. We went and there wasn't meant
to be any first years gone, but he got like, you know, like his
family, like pet like we're loading that away.
Additional, you know, skill was doing a brick fund at that time
to get a new skill and all that's right, whatever.
I think they bought like a stack of bricks.
So he got to go and he's he made his wee pube and they they he
lost his tickets. So we we got given our tickets
for the match on the buses that we travelled on to the game.
I'm between the boss, I'm walking in through a door as
deck had had lost his ticket, right.
And they bought one off like a ticket scalp right outside.
And I bought his ticket down was like, you know, like nowhere
near the rest of us. Yeah, So genuinely, as happened.
And one of the teachers was like, he's the youngest person
on a trip. We can't let him sort of sit on
his own. But weirdly, instead of one of
the teachers going, I'll do that.
I literally went I'll take it and they gave me a ticket and I
I watched the first half game in the middle of a load of fucking
ultras like. Yeah, because if anyone doesn't
know the Latio fans in Italy or like.
They're mental. They're.
Most mad fans, potentially some of the modest fans in.
World they were playing as Brescia and they fuck, they were
fucking flowers at each other. It was mental.
And then but there were still quite a lot of seats they can't
like. So I I just sort of went, I
watched the first half and went, what do you drink this 14 right.
Just went fuck us. I'm going to go back and just
sit with everybody else anyway. And we could have just done
that, but it was fucking crazy. And Ravinelli was playing for
Brescia and he scored and Varon scored for Lazio.
But yeah, good times. It's a good story.
Yeah, sorry. We stay on the convent as, as
I'm saying, mass everyday super ticks, right?
And there was, oh, there was a guy there.
He was from Saint Malachy's. He was 17 and already had that
I've been in the priesthood for 40 years mentality of like he
wore something not dissimilar to this grey.
Yeah, yeah. And standing like this and he
was like 17 ones back. Guys, I just want to say I'm
really enjoying being here with you and I'm going, will you fuck
up? And then the food in the
convent, mate? I mean, you're in Rome.
The food in Rome is fucking unreal.
Oh, I know, yeah. The food in the convent was
shit. And I mean, mate, there was
bread rolls that they were putting out and we we scooped
one of them out to see. What does that say?
He's. Telling me to plug your podcast.
All right, sorry. What can I just tell us?
First, we skipped one of these rules out because we knew they
were giving us the same rules meal after meal.
And we were in there like, you know, yeah, just same rules.
And so we skipped one of them out left there, and they served
it for a further four days. And then they gave us pizza one
night. This was meant to be a treat.
The nuns, the nuns have asked us to stay in for dinner tonight
and they're going to do us at dinner.
And it was pizza and it was the, what do you call it, the pan
right on the bottom of it was like as black as a fucking
shelf. Like it was disgusting.
It was burnt, the fog. Sorry, I'm not over it like, but
I mean, I had my first Panini when I was there.
It was fucking amazing. Saw a Colosseum for the first
time. Did you ever see when you drive
past the Colosseum for the first time?
Don't you just go what the fuck? Like it's mental.
I loved it. I thought Rome was cracking
silly. You have a podcast out?
It's called No Blasters. Blasters.
And it comes out where it will already have been out because
we're. Coming out, I don't.
Know where? We are is this Wednesday?
This is coming out yesterday, right?
OK. So a few episodes.
Who are the 1st 2 episodes? With Aaron Butler is episode 1
and Dave Elliott it's episode 2. Tell the people about it.
So no blasters, it's a comedy podcast with me hosting it.
And what we do is we get guests on and we'll play best of three
on FIFA22. And I mean who do you think's
one of them games like? And we'll have the Biscuit World
Cup and we'll do what's the Biscuit World Cup?
The Biscuit World Cup. It is what it sounds like mate.
I provide biscuits, we'll match them off and versus them.
So we'll try like you might try like an Oreo versus a custard
cream or something. And then we rate them out of 10
and then decide what 1 progresses to the next round.
Feel like round one's going to go on for a long fucking time.
Yeah. I mean, we've already had some
big headers on there first, yeah.
We lost like don't give anything away, we lost any big biscuit at
this early stage. I don't think Oreos.
Oreos are out. I'm not in the.
Oreos are good, but there's better biscuits out there.
Yeah, yeah. Oreo, Oreo Oreo is probably the
biggest biscuit that's out. You know what?
Oreo's a bit like Post Malone. Quite modern, sort of new.
I know they're not new, but you need a.
Fair teeth, yeah. Bad for your teeth and also like
like decent but. Like that's somebody.
Compare Post Malone with MO Time.
You know Marvin. Handed me, you know, Post Malone
with a glass of milk. I'll take it like but I would
rather have but a Custer. Cream is your Stevie Wonder.
Yeah, yeah. It's classic.
It's timeless. All the the ones the the ones
that I think are going to go far are like.
Should we be keeping an eye on? Tonic's caramel wafer, I think
that's going to go. I think that's going to go far.
Excellent show I. Think a cat?
Cat will go far although. MIT board?
I don't know. About Board chocolate Hob Bob.
Do you know what I really like? I can't eat them anymore.
Chocolate Digestive. The word is good.
We tried them that fuck. I think they're out as well.
I think you're doing it wrong. Keep them in the fridge.
No chocolate. That's right.
Keep them in the fridge. Chocolate digestive, right?
And then make like a wee sandwich out of them.
As in two. What do you what do you put them
together with? No nothing, just you're eating 2
biscuits at a time but the chocolates touching and you eat
it like a wee sandwich. Do you ever do you know what is
a good time? Do you ever make a jam biscuit
with just normal digesters? No.
Never put two digestives together with John.
Am I the only? No, I don't.
I don't like anyone who butters their biscuits.
Too. I think that's the work of CI,
wouldn't I? Don't mix butter.
With them, but I but there's people who and there might be
some people in this room who cut open an ice finger or coconut
finger and butter that. Stinking.
Devil worshipper. I that is so.
Bad. But anyway, so we'll have the
Biscuit World Cup and then we also have.
What day do the episodes come out?
Tuesdays. Tuesdays.
And we'll have a gift exchange, which is possibly my favourite
part. What's the best one you've got
because you've banked a load episode so far but so without
giving them? All has won the gift exchange so
far. Like because there were
extremely thoughtful personal gifts.
So like it's to be less than a fiver and they get one back.
I think I want to make you mad, but I think someone you give a
gift to did not take their gift home.
And it may be in our kitchen downstairs.
And it's not like they've forgotten it.
They've put it away to not take it home.
A Rakes of Iron Butler. I know what the gift is.
I don't know who the person is. Tell me, Holly.
No. Tell me what they get.
Tell me what? So we've had William.
Is it Dave? What did I get, Dave?
I got. Put it this way.
What do I get for David? There's a wemmer, put it this
way, if you if you go into our tea bag cupboard, there's tea
bags, there's Punjana, and there's Will Smith's
autobiography. Nobody wants that like.
It's a gift nobody wants. Yeah.
I'm sorry. Like Will Smith is one of the
most talented performers of the last few decades.
Like, the guy can fuck, can do it all.
Yeah, some of his music's incredible, brilliant actor,
funny, all that kind of stuff. And like, has probably LED,
like, quite a wildlife, like, done a lot of things.
But, well, nobody wants to read your book.
Yeah. And stop having that weird
beard. It's just down here do.
You know what I think? I think he's he's murdered his
own great profile in the last year and a half with all the
tech talk to me and me and my wife are weird.
So he, he, they're bringing the rebooted The Fresh Prince of Bel
Air, but it's like more, way more drama and it looks
incredible. I'm sick of reboots.
So although will say this and I this isn't the reboot because it
is. It's a it's a an offshoot of an
existing franchise. Cobra Kai is fucking awesome.
I I like it a lot. I I probably 2 series to catch
up on and watch two or three and I.
Like it, but I think it's cheesy.
Yeah. Oh, I love that.
It's just fun. It's fun.
It's great. Soundtracks good, all that kind
of thing. What do you what do you want to
like? What are your hopes for the
podcast like? Money.
No, I think I want people. I want guests to come on and
have a good time and it's a better crack.
Or like I want the I want to beat them on FIFA, but it
doesn't really matter. But it matters.
Well, do you know what I think a couple of thoughts here.
Number one, can you say unrelated to that, you've sold
like 3 nights in the Limelight, It's your stand up show.
Yeah, haven't taken a break from stand up and sometimes doing it
for a while and not doing it. So to sell out three shows.
That was amazing is. Brilliant.
So congratulations on that. Thanks for helping.
No, that's all I wanted. No, it's an amazing personal
achievement. Thank you.
Thank you Shane for helping me attain the amazing personal
achievement. Kingmaker No, what I will say is
I think down the line, nothing to think about now.
I think you could do a live version of no blasters with a
giant screen. I think that too and.
You're playing FIFA with mystery guests.
I think that too. I think that would be a fucking
gag. I think that would be epic.
And I think, I think that people, I think that it's good
that you can, if you're not in the FIFA, it's still like a
normal podcast where we're talking shit and slapping each
other and having a laugh. But then also there's moments of
high tension brought about by the game.
And if you're in the FIFA, you get to watch us play FIFA a bit
and then talk shit too. So it's sort of a bit of a, it's
just a wee bit of a crossover, a wee bit of something different
like because people are just used the same sort of, yeah,
talking shit so. And does it go?
Is it YouTube? As well yeah it'll be on YouTube
and we'll have all like new socials starting as well so look
out for Kieran Bartlett comedy on Instagram and tech talk I.
Think all the all the stuff. Yeah, Twitter.
You're, I'm already on Facebook. You just know.
I don't know if we're on Facebook.
We haven't decided so. It's one I probably wouldn't
start now, but if you had it, I would continue.
I hate Facebook. George Motto on Facebook, see
when you when Facebook like when you started to post videos on
it, like directly post videos on it which wasn't you used to post
a link to YouTube. Yeah, that's right.
But then. When you put the videos directly
on it at the start. I don't know anything about
algorithms. They didn't limit who saw.
Yeah, yeah. So your engagement on it and
your likes on it's all unreal. Yeah.
And now, and this is like people complain about this as if it's
like something to really complain about.
It's fucking not. But say I have like 100,000
people on Facebook and I put a video up.
The views on that are like 1000 sometimes.
Yeah. And that's nuts.
And like people are clearly enjoying it, but it just doesn't
get seen by people. So that's what's good about like
Instagram, Twitter especially because it's just a continuous
feat. And I I like tech talk.
I like the way things work on tech talk for putting stuff out,
but I wouldn't I couldn't sit and watch tech talk.
I don't really sit, never browsed on it, but I do think it
yeah, it's great for clips. Yeah, it's great.
Like. Yeah, Chloe watches it at, at
fucking MIT. I don't know.
It's just, it's, I mean, do you ever just feel like too old?
Like, Oh yeah, yeah. I feel too old.
Well, I always think I thought that would tech talk.
I was like, I can't master like new technology, a new app, yeah,
figure out what you have to do to post on it.
But but I do have to do that. Yeah, I do have to do that.
Because the second you don't, that's kind of the cut off for
your audience where you're like, OK, the people that are into me
now, that's it. Are you on mishmash?
Is that real? No, I I should make it though,
shouldn't? You said it and I was like Nope,
but as soon as you know, mishmash.
Shouldn't be a good app where you.
What are you doing, mishmash? You would take, well, you just
do what they do on tech talk, which is you take the audio from
one thing and the video from something else.
Then maybe like when smell O vision becomes the thing, you
can take the smell of something else and put it on.
You know, I, I think smell O vision is going to be huge when
it when it drops. Are you behind it?
It's me and Elon Musk. How do you think you got that
Tesla? How?
Do you think you got his name? That was quite funny.
But guys smell. Yeah, that was quite funny.
I enjoy the way you're like, it's quite funny.
So, yeah, no blasters out everywhere.
We'll link to it in this. It's it's it's in house.
You know, we're, we're, we're. 1L Studios yeah, yeah, it's been
good, though. It's been good making it work
We're. We cooking stuff up.
That's a wee bit. It's a wee bit sad that they
didn't take his gift. Dave's episode is.
I've heard to look out for for Dave's episode because I said
earlier some people apparently what I've heard, some people
will think he's doing a bit or playing a character but it turns
out he isn't. I thought he was for a time.
Oh no, he phoned me after. I wasn't.
Everybody phoned me after to tell me.
I think he wanted me. He's being serious, I think.
I think he wanted everyone in the room.
He nearly tried to fight Down and Mike when we did the
episode. Like the live episode?
The next day. The next day, yeah.
Like there was like, there was serious tension in the room.
He said the phrase multiple times.
I was set up. Like he's going down for like a
terrible crime. Yeah, I was set up.
Oh mate, he was, he was and he wasn't.
The fucking Xbox was being a Dick like it?
Happened. Can I tell you something?
He said. Like before it he goes.
I think he's probably going to be alright if FIFA, but I'll
stop him. See how it hurts me?
Well, do you know what we should do?
We should. And then he left the Will Smith
book. That's the ultimate.
That's the ultimate desk, like, you know what I mean?
At least bring it. There's a fucking charity book
shopper in the corner. He hates charity though.
Does he actually? Nearly as much as he hates
minorities, yeah. Yeah, well, that's Dave for you.
Like. Thank you very much for coming
on. Thanks for having me, it's been
great. If you haven't done yet and
you're on the Patreon, Patreon, the conference TV podcast,
you'll see the live episode we did in the Limelight.
I'll send you the link for that, because that is I haven't.
Seen that in ages dynamic. I haven't seen I.
Haven't seen it since we did it. I haven't seen it.
It's really good. You saw it at the time.
I'm so tired now. Do you know I fucking drove the
wrong way to get here this morning?
I know you're finished but I literally was on my way to
Glengormley and had to pull off at the Fort William turn around
because it was just fully on the wrong Rd.
What? What, Like if I'm gonna have to
give you a thing where I'm like, if you arrive on time, I'll give
you this and. It's here before you think, Oh
yeah, even with that diversion. That's why I've charged him a
test of the club, guys. Keep your feet in the ground,
guys. Thank you very much for
listening, for watching and jump on the Patreon if you want to.
We're going to get tattoos. You're going to get tattoo, your
mum's getting tattoo, all that kind of stuff on your wrist.
Yes, yes, separates. Thank you very much.
And there might by the time this comes out, be more Opera House
show news if there hasn't been, forget us said anything.
See you next time.