Prime big deal days is coming October 8th and 9th, which can
lead to involuntary deal squeals like the infamous deal on a new
massager squeal. Stay big on prime big deal days,
October 8th and 9th. Hot head zippers and sherbert
dippers, welcome to this episode of the With Me podcast.
With me, she and Todd let me just double.
Yeah, I think we're good. Let me do a sound check as
Palmatini. So much more than I needed
before I got. Yeah, I think we're good to go.
I think we're good to go. What a time to be alive is for
solo episode. I've done since Pussy was a
kitten. You know, there hasn't been a
solo episode in a long time. But we're back.
You know, three people said, man, you've got to get those
solo episodes back. So we've done it.
I've got a big mug of tea and I'm going to drink it, have tea,
will drink. What's been going on?
Is it is it OK out there? Is it fine?
Is it, is it all right? I'm not too sure.
But what I do know is TripAdvisor back.
The TripAdvisor feature is back. One of you asked for it and I
have delivered like a consistent postman.
I have delivered. See, if I was a postman, there
is not a mission I would get through a day without 7075
complaints more because my you know, what would you say my
illusion of being a postman is a bit like, you know, in movies
when you see in America kids that deliver newspapers just
from the bicycle. That's the only way I would be a
postman is if I could do that, you know, just throw it in
people's gardens from from wee bike for Fairfox A postman.
Let's postman literally like go away.
And yeah, post women too. But I would still say post this
is this is horrendous, right? And we'll get 7000 offcom
complaints for this. Even though this is a podcast,
you can complain offcom. I would still call a female
postal worker a postman. And I don't know.
I don't know if that's wrong. I don't know if.
I get if I got to go to gaol for that, but I'm just saying I
would still say oh she's a postman.
And is that I'm not either very sexist?
Or actually the complete opposite, because I'm taking the
post man title away from just man.
So I don't know which it is. It's either really good or
really bad. But yeah, I just don't think I
would have the skill, the IQ to be a postman because you're like
really multitask to be a pulse, a pulse to be to be.
A pulse man. You've got to be able to
multitask, you know, you've got to be able to check the pulse of
multiple people at once and just make an educated.
Guess a pulse man. My I have I.
Have a rest impulsive 45 and not weird And I said this on the
podcast before I'm wait this isn't the start of episode, but
we've said on the podcast before I got my I got like a health
check done around docs in Hollywood here right and I know
I know we've started this I started multiple tangents, but
sometimes in photos I get worried that I have a lazy eye
right and I'm looking at myself back on the the video that
recording. If you don't watch a video
version, it's on YouTube and I'm convinced I have a lazy eye, but
I think it's because or it's getting worse, but I think it's
because I'm looking at the camera and then I'm looking at
my face. I'm going to go between the two.
I think one eye is taking a bit longer to catch up.
So maybe and maybe I do have a lazy eye.
Maybe I just have a slightly slower eye compared to the.
Other one that's fast. Anyway, what the fuck am I
talking about? My point is, I don't think.
I'm smart enough to be a postman or postwoman or postal worker or
a pulse man because it would just.
It would like take two I. Don't know, they obviously have
a. System where they can deliver
mail efficiently and I just, I just don't know.
I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't be able to do it.
Same with being like an Amazon guy, you know unless someone's
front gate is open and you walk up to it, bang the door and hand
them the thing if it's anything different.
Than that I can't do it. If they're like, oh, you have to
go to this mailbox and check this, or you've got to leave it
around to say I'd always just get stuff in the wrong order.
And that is why. Comedy has to work, you know,
that's why comedy has to work. A few people in the last few
weeks have been saying what's a crack with gigs, You know, is
he, is he one of Man United's best ever players know people
have been saying what's a crack with stand up, You know, is this
show going to go ahead? Is that show going to go ahead?
We're no closer to knowing what the what the deal is.
But hold on. I'm just by the way, it's me
taking onto my hoodie just in case anybody listen.
Thought we're getting really sexy up in here.
No, Yeah, The I don't, I don't know what's happening with gigs.
But what I do know is I'm kind of hopeful that you know what,
I'm very optimistic at the minute.
The weather feels kind that like it's all right, like it's got a
wee bit warmer. I mean you can.
Wear a T-shirt after 3:00 PM. Not after 5, right, because
you'll literally catch your death, get hypothermia and die.
But what I'm saying is we're getting into the good weather.
I think there's going to be in the run up to the summer here
and in the summer I think we're going to have some outdoor
shows, which is great. I've been working on an outdoor
tour schedule and we're going to do a load outdoor dates.
We'll do stand up. We'll bring some friends along
and we'll do like beer gardens and we'll do fields and we'll do
whatever. And what I really want to do is
do it in kind of like out of the way places, you know what I
mean? Like I'll do stand up in a barn.
I'll do stand up in a. If you're like a like a rich
chat, like the Sultan or Brunei's son or daughter and
you've got an unbelievable tree house, we can do a show in it.
I really do want to go to like islands and please sort of just
out of the way and just go and do stand up outside.
And I had a crazy idea, I don't know if I've mentioned it on a
podcast before, but about doing a podcast at the top of Sleeve
Donald. Or not a podcast.
Well, yeah, maybe. And doing some stand up at the
top of Sleeve Donald. But doing a podcast at the top
of Sleeve Donald, I thought it was going to get murdered.
Yeah, doing a. Podcast at the top of sleeve
Donald would be pretty class too.
And you would just, I would just give out what time was going to
be there. And then people can just bring
blankets and come and sit, you know, come and sit around the
podcast. And I don't know.
I don't. I don't know what we'll do.
I don't know if. That's even possible.
All I know is I'm not prepared to carry that much equipment,
but hopefully down would be. I could see down producer down
being a little bit of a mountain goat, you know, I could see him
getting up and down pretty easy. Thank you.
I don't really see him getting tired.
I think he's a guy that would have like a good bit of stamina
over. Shit Internet at the minute.
If you've been listening to the Breakfast Brewery episodes
you'll know that Don has moved to Lisburn and it's the vortex
of broadband apparently and he can't get online.
He's going through a really bad time with that, like.
He just he can't get broadband and it's really like if.
If you saw him this morning on the breakfast brew episode, his
hair, like his hair, embodies the problems he's having with
his broadband. Not good.
We do breakfast brew every, not every morning.
Basically we have a Patreon. Right, which is Patreon's, a
website where loads of podcasts use it, thousands, hundreds,
where you get extra content. You sign up for with ours and
you sort of pay whatever you want.
But if you pay £3 a month or more or whatever you want, you
get bonus episodes. You essentially with this, you
get a podcast Monday to Friday. What we do is a feature length
bonus episode on Monday just for people on Patreon, sometimes
with a guest, sometimes just me, usually with a guest.
Then Tuesday morning we do a morning episode of the podcast,
a little half hour episode. We got this on Wednesday.
We do the same on Thursday we do the breakfast brew.
And then on Friday we do a live breakfast brew, which we've been
doing for months. And we are going to, we're going
to start to do a stream Friday, probably a Friday afternoon
podcast. And that'll probably just be for
Patreon. So patreon.com/tea with me
podcast. It's in the description if you
want to join it. And part of the reason I don't
really plug the Patreon like too hard, like not really like I do,
but but not too hard is because I want to wait until we are able
to put out content that looks and sounds as good as we want it
to. And because I've been doing it
from home, we haven't been able to get into the studio because
the studio, you can't open the windows basically in our studio
and it's like quite small. So I just, I don't think I'd be
responsible to like be working there with other people bringing
guests in. So we have finally, I think,
fingers crossed, been able to get a new studio and we could be
in there next week. We're still sort of sorting it
out. So fuck me if this all blows up
my face and then I'm like, no, that didn't work.
But I think we've got somewhere sorted in Hollywood, which is
just where we want to be, where I want to be.
You know, Hollywood, literally the pavements are so clean.
You could eat your, you could eat your dinner off it.
And there's free Wi-Fi and me, Rory Macro and Jimmy, Jimmy
Dorner from there. So it's a good place to be and
we want to stay in Hollywood basically.
So I think we've got a studio sorted.
Just funny, right? People are so sound right.
Just in general people are so sound and so helpful.
And I put out like a tweet thing on Instagram as well on Facebook
saying we're looking for a new studio for the podcast.
If anybody knows anywhere Hollywood but also consider
Belfast get in touch and then the fuck this guy got in touch
so obviously just so sound like go out of his way to send me.
A message about this. And he's like, yeah, my dad like
coons very, very N down. Obviously.
He's like, my father owns some business property and the guy
goes, we've just had somebody move out.
He goes, I think my dad was telling me someone's moving out,
like you could rent there. I like the location where he was
saying, So I said, mate, that sounds great.
Like do you have any more info? And he's like, yeah, he goes,
I'll get your e-mail and we'll try and arrange for you to go
down and look at it like, again, really good.
Like I don't think he lives here anymore.
Going so out of his way just to try and get me sorted just
because he's fucking dead on. And then, then he sent me the
square footage of it and we're looking for, I think.
What do we say like 5-6 hundred square foot or something like
big enough where we can be spaced out if we need to be,
have guests in, you know, have a desk for Mike and Dan and be
able to really have like a little studio.
And then we want some offices as well.
And and so say we want like 600 square foot.
The guy's like me. I actually don't know him and he
came back to me. He goes, yeah, I think it's
about 4000 square feet. And I was like, that is a vast
warehouse, you know what I mean? Like that is that's an indoor
football pitch. And we were laughing about and
the guys like, yes, probably far too big for what you want.
And then he told me what the, eh, what the rent was.
And I was like, you know what, it's a little bit out of a
budget. I mean, our monthly budget is
what it is. This place is going to be 30
grand. And I was like, that's probably
29 1/2 grand outside for a budget.
You know, it's a bit like in what does that show A place in
the sun where they show your property where you go?
You know, some family from Barnsley, it's all they're
always from, like place in England you've never been to.
But some family from Barnsley go on A place in the sun and they
go, yeah, we just want a better quality of life.
And there's always one kid that's fucking hard.
Like there's always one kid that's so gutted because the
family want to move because nondre popping off for them
where they live. But then one of their kids is
always like, no, I'm really popular.
It's good. I'd love to stay and live here.
I actually have friends and the dads.
Like, well I don't, well I don't, so we're moving mate.
And then they go to Australia and they get shown three
properties and the person hosting that goes, OK, here's
this one, it's well within your budget, you know, you could
definitely live here and it's a shit hole.
And then the second one, they show them, they go, this is
buying on your budget and it's a bit nicer, but you know, they're
still not pulling away. But, and then the person always
goes, come and see this one. And they look around and they're
like, this is, and this is all we've ever wanted in the house.
And they start crying. They're like, this is great.
And the produce and the presenter goes, you know, your
budget was 300,000. And they go, you're like, you're
not going to believe it, but this place is only 780,000.
And the family are. Like, why would you do this to
us? The kids are crying.
That's that show in a nutshell. And by the way, they never move.
They never moved. I'm not sure.
They just want to get to Australia for a holiday.
They're like I, we're definitely going here, which is like
whenever my dad goes, he goes about 10 years ago, my dad goes
to fancy Tenerife. Me and my dad would have gone to
Tenerife most years. So I went, yeah, yeah, sounds
good. My dad goes, right.
Here's the thing now, you never want your dad to start a
sentence with, right? You know, if you start sentence
with, right, here's the thing. Things aren't going to be
strictly legal, right? He goes.
We're going to look at a timeshare thing.
Like to show you around this house and then you've got to go
to like a business meeting and he goes and I was like, why are
you buying a house in Tenerife? And he goes, no, that of course
I'm not. But that they will fly you out
there and put you up just to come and see these houses.
So I went right, got there. My dad was like on the second
day or whatever, he goes, right, we've got to go and look at this
house. I was like, no, I'm not going to
see any house. And he goes, no, This is why
we're here. He's but please like come and
just see this house. I mean, how long is it going to
be? He goes, I don't know.
I think we'll be able to we'll be back here in about 6 or 7
hours. I went right, I'm going to catch
some rays. You enjoy yourself.
And then my dad had to just be shown around the house.
He was never going to buy and go to a business meeting.
And then I can't remember why he said he didn't want to buy a
house, but it was some mad excuse.
You know, my, you know, my dad was like, I would.
But then here's the thing, I can't because I've just this
morning found out that I've been scammed, you know, and the
people were like, well, we can contact the police for you.
He's like, no, please don't. It's all fine.
You know, I remember, I remember thinking though, wouldn't be
surprised if he's going to come back and he's gone.
But like she just bought 1. You know, he's like, oh, just
bought a 7,000,000 LB Tenerife filler BN that's on.
No, on that show, nobody ever moved away in a place in the
sun. They always go, yeah, we thought
about it. And then the voiceover goes.
Three months later, Chris Cassidy and the kids were back
in Bolton, one of the kids buzzing the other kids like I
could have made some mates in Australia.
Anyway, got a lot to talk about and get through before we do and
before we jump into TripAdvisor let.
Me plug our sponsor. Our sponsor is, of course,
manscaped. If you don't know what manscape
is or what they do, let's just say they are the number one in
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when I say men's grooming and I'm talking about a shave you
know like a nice facial shave well the manscape cover
everything but what they really. Do is below the belt grooming?
OK, we're talking about the pubis bone.
And the hair that surrounds it. We're talking about genitalia
things. You know, and if you.
If you'd said to me a couple of years ago, not only will this
company exists where they have ball trimmers.
They have a ball cleanser, ball deodorant, ball wipes, and they
have this package called the Lawnmower 3 point.
This product called the Lawnmower 3 Point O, which is a
shaver for your balls that has an LED light in case you want to
do it in the dark. If you worked on a mine, if
you're one of those guys from Chile or whatever, not only do
they have that, but they would sponsor my podcast.
I would not. I would call you a fucking liar
and a weirdo. But it exists, the lawnmower.
3.0 I use it. Producer Dan uses it, Big Mike
uses it. Big Michael also uses the Weed
Whacker, which is for your The weed whacker sounds like a guy
who goes around beating up hippies.
But it's not. It's a tremor for your ears and
nose hair. Big Mike uses it.
I don't need to because I'm not 87.
But a lot of guys are getting that air, that air.
That ear and nose hair, and it's not sweet to sort it out.
Just go on Manscape. See what they do?
The Lawnmower 3.0 is class, they've got a travel kit as
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work or you just think you're just stuck for a present to get
for, you know, some sort of man, go to manscape.com.
Musical Tea with me for 20% off and free shipping. manscape.com.
Take care of your family. Jewels, let me take a sip of tea
on that note. The oil tea.
You know what I mean? Like.
We're better than lockdown. For a year, sometimes you get
into things like banana bread and then you don't get into it
or you know, you get into some sort of exercise or some sort of
hobby, but CT closer than ever because some you pick up and
drop these hobbies like banana bread.
Why actually stop? Because I think whatever was in
it was bad for my wee tummy. It was making me go to the
toilet. And also, I don't have banana
bread anymore, but it was unreal.
But tea and may have never been tea with me tea and may have
never been never been closer. See, in the new studio, here's
what I want to do. I want to get a class backdrop.
We're going to get obviously chairs.
Desks, all that. We're going to get maybe some
nice plants. A backdrop, my friend.
Tony's going to do some art for us.
It's going to look 10 out of 10. If we can get this sorted and
I'm so excited about it and everything just steps up a notch
because fair play to you guys for like watching and listening,
downloading the episodes, all that.
Like, I love that. But we've been doing it from the
house. So this is only like, what's the
best analogy here? What this is like is.
I'm like a dancer who dances in a chair, you know, I'm sitting
in a chair, you know, not like, not a wheelchair.
I'm sitting in a chair, just a regular chair.
But I'm dancing and I'm in a nightclub.
And you're watching me and you're going.
I like what you're doing there. You've got moves.
So yeah, I'm going to give you money.
I'm going to give you money that I like your dancing.
What I'm saying is. If you think this dancing is
good, wait. Until I'm on the feet AKA wait
till we're in the studio. It doesn't make sense.
So yeah, we've got a lot to talk about.
I will also want to talk about Lionel Judy, but I ain't seen
it. I haven't seen it because we
just watched Your Honour with. Bryan Cranston Not with Bryan
Cranston. That'll be so sweet, wouldn't
it? I'll be class.
Just watching Your Honour starring Bryan Cranston, but
with Bryan Cranston, because, you know, if you missed a bit or
you weren't sure on something, Bryan there also directed it so
he could talk you through it. And then you go, Bryan was your
class being Breaking Bad and all, bro.
And he's like, yeah, 100%. And I sent Brian Cranston name
an Instagram message last night after the show, after I finished
the finale, Your honour, I said, Brian, come on the podcast and
we'll talk. About your Irish roots, because
I think he's from County Armagh and Brian Cranston has not yet
got back to me and I don't think that's going to change.
But Brian, if you're watching, man, get in touch.
If anyone knows Brian, get him onto the podcast that work.
Terry George, I want to get Terry George in the podcast.
You might remember directed Hotel Rwanda in the name of the
father, the boxer. Oscar winner.
I put it in Twitter. I was like, can we get did
anyone know him? Can I get him on?
And then someone came through some scene came through, some
legend came through. Try that William Neeson.
That hasn't worked. So I'm not going to try with
Bryan Cronston until I get Liam Neeson.
But yeah, we'll talk about Lionel Judy next week because I
haven't seen it, but I'm going to watch it tonight.
We'll catch some we'll catch some Ben Coppers.
I. Haven't even seen the reaction
from it but. It's so good and Adrian Dunbar
is so good and he's someone I'm going to try and get in the
podcast as well. Yeah, yeah, let's.
Let's do TripAdvisor well. It's been a long time, got some
other? Stuff talked about, but let's
just get to the meet, you know, because people used to love
this. What we do with this segment is
we go on TripAdvisor, we look at some local, local businesses.
Not like we don't really do like family owned stuff, you know
what I mean? Because we look at bad reviews.
So we don't want to like lose anybody business.
That's not what it's about. It's about celebrating the fact
that some complete lunatics leave.
Reviews for the stop of businesses but leave really bad
ones. So we're we're having a laugh at
that as. Opposed to the business.
I should point that out. Basically the reason I'm doing
that is just in case Apple Green want to give me some corporate
video work at some point, in which case I would love to do
that. And I've always been a big fan
of your fantastic top of the range facilities, including cost
of burger. King and the Bakewell.
I'm just saying the Bakewell. I couldn't remember what it was
called, but I can see it in the. TripAdvisor page that I've
brought up here. Apple Green is one of those
places where on the way to Dublin Airport, you go into it
and like if you were a kid, you'd be.
Bossing. You just think it's a garage,
and then you go, uh oh, there's a Burger King.
And they also sell like the weirdest compilation rack of
CDs. You'll be like Irish country
heroes the Wolf Tones and Maliki Kush Motown.
That's in it. That's so nice, right?
That's such a nice reference that Maliki Kush would have a
Motown album. And I hope he does, but I also
hope three or four people enjoy that, that imagery.
Shout it to my boy Maliki Kush. I think we could get him on the
podcast. I think it would be achievable.
So yeah, what we do is we look at some of the worst reviews.
But before we do that, why don't we look at some of the best
reviews for the Apple green in Dublin?
Because it's as funny to me that people would be buzzing about it
and also like, hate it. But some people just fucking pop
off for the Dublin Apple Green. Imagine like having.
Such a great experience at a service station.
What your dad would know all about by the way that you that
you get home or maybe not even like a lot of the like this site
tells you if you did it via mobile or not and I'd say the
people that did it via mobile just.
In their car at the time, this guy.
No, sorry, Lorraine Mitchell headlines hers.
Bakewell. That's the topic.
Visited here heading to Dublin for the day.
Had a super breakfast in Bakewell.
Very. Clean staff, very friendly,
helpful, therefore recommend this the place to start your
day, I mean in bed is the place to start your day and also.
It's weird to say. Clean staff.
Lorraine's like, yeah, I smelt the armpits of every member of
the Bakewell staff and it was, if anything, refreshing.
Clean staff Imagine me ringing a restaurant coming down for a
meal with my wife on Friday night.
Here. What do your staff smell like?
Lemongrass. Great.
I'll see you at 7:00. Sean F writes Motorway Services,
so he's just letting you know what he's talking about here.
Good well run service station, good parking.
He means to say. Very good restaurant facility,
he says. Weary.
Good restaurant facilities, which makes it sound like he's
knackered reading this out. Overall service very good.
Toilet facilities are clean well.
Maintained facilities are disabled friendly but glowing.
Review great coffee served by a great.
Lady, I mean, I love that. Very grateful that she served us
a coffee even. When the machine was often
cleaned. Not.
Not all heroes were capes. I can have a coffee, please.
Well, the machine's off. Oh, OK.
Thanks anyway. Wait.
Don't you fucking? Go anywhere.
I'm going to make this better. Back instant.
Yeah, you should. I mean, I wouldn't give
somewhere a good review. If I went to a coffee shop and I
was like, can I have a coffee? And now machine's off.
I'll do you 2 spoonfuls in South Cafe here.
People loving chopsticks as well.
Love to see that. Right now, let's delve into what
we're here for, which is the terrible reviews.
So would say that the excellent, very good and average reviews
outweigh the bad ones. So that tells you we're dealing
with a good service station here.
And people are giving off about the toilets being dirty.
Now I'll say this, I'm a very. Would you say like not clean
guy? Because like I think we're all
clean, but like I like I like good hygiene.
I've places that look. Nice smell, nice, all that kind
of thing I like. A bit of premium luxury, that's
what I like. So when I go into toilets, yes,
I also hate it if like the place doesn't smell good, it's dirty
and all that. Like nobody likes that, but in a
way. I'm not surprised because we are
also at toilets that are open to the public and I don't know why
people criticise staff for this because it's like they can't
just stand there the whole time and clean as they go.
So it's not the problem of the venue, it's the fault of some
dirty bastards, Commons says. I don't know if it's.
Dominic Or stopped off this morning to get a coffee and use
the toilet facilities at the Apple Green service station on
the M7 of Birdhill, Limerick. Now, he says he stopped off for
a coffee and used the toilet. And he just need to stop to use
the toilet. The toilets were.
Filthy and disgusting as you can see in the photos.
These facilities should be cleaned more often.
You would, you would even more often.
You would think even with the pandemic we're in now comments.
I get your point right? And the toilets don't look good.
And there's a little bit of shit on the seat.
There OK and I don't even know how it's possible.
But what I will say is. Their toilets, you know, and
it's like that old, like Granny used to say, don't go to toilets
if you don't want to see a wee bit of shit.
She never. Said that, but.
You know what I mean? I hear these dirt like you're
even weirder taking photos of it.
Alfred says I complained 4 weeks ago about the 24 hour toilet at
Lisburn eastbound services. Visit again today.
Nothing's been done about it. I mean if it is the same mess
then that is bad. No toilet seat lock on the door
is busted. I mean, sometimes that makes it
more fun. You know when you're going to
the toilet and you have to hold the door?
Never any soap in the dispenser or any hand sanitizer.
I would have thought this would have been a number one priority.
If that's a pun, yes I love it. Can't understand why they put a
change on using these toilets so it could get.
Stop taking photos like we get it.
IXJCX says Burger King is terrible in capitals.
Last time I'm eating at Burger King I ordered a bacon double
cheeseburger. Worst burger I've ever had in
capitals. The bacon looked boiled stringy,
not crispy at all. They slapped on cheese last
minute. Still called FFS.
Which means, for fuck's sake. Don't even get me started in the
Oreo milkshake I was hoping. KFC crush them standard and
satisfying my needs but Nah, it was the deadliest thing ever.
The milkshake was unsuckable, barely any Oreo bits in it.
Should have bought an Oreo packet, the carton of milk
instead. My local chippy does a better
job. Expect the better from a well
known global fast food chain. Never again.
JC you're weird. You're a weird guy like.
Burger King is what Burger King is.
It's fast food. What are you?
OK, the bacon in the burger wasn't crispy.
It's Burger King. It's fast food.
They slapped in the cheese at the last minute.
I'd have been better getting the packet of Oreos in a carton of
milk. Yeah, that does sound better.
That sounds class. The milkshake was unsuckable.
Imagine just being an adult and then, like, say you're married
and your wife, your wife said, can you help me in with the
shop? And you go, I can't.
Why? I've got to go write something
here. What are you writing?
I've got to go and write that. The milkshake was unsuckable,
just to let people know. Unsuckable.
That's what we're calling this episode.
And I hope I don't type that in because I'm typing that into.
Google just so it's. Open in another tab and I hope
it doesn't bring me up, just really bad cocks.
Unsuckable. Unsuckable funny shores were
unfit for humans. One fit for dogs, let alone
humans wouldn't be tolerated anywhere in Europe.
No ventilation, bad drainage. Something would need to be done
about this. OK if it's for work, like if
it's a necessity I get it. But don't charter service
station. Don't char at a service station
unless you like. If you're a lorry driver long
haul doing all that like 100%, I get it, that's literally what
you have to do, but like. Don't just be.
Calling in for a coffee in a shower.
I'm going to the service station here to buy a Ronan Keaton
acoustic album where he covers the best ballads of Elvis
Presley. I'm going to get Acosta made
instant, I'm going to get a Burger King with boiled bacon,
and then I'm just going to nip in for a shower.
Terrible breakfast staff arguing with each other while there was
a busy line of food. The food was cold and probably
reused. OK, this is a great this is a
great heading. Let the gentle waft of steel
urine complement The Dirty tables, lacklustre service and
questionable food. This person is from Kent and
they seem. Like a bit of a Kent.
I had the pleasure in inverted columnist passive aggressive of
stopping at these services recently and things have not
improved. Firstly, word of advice, if you
must eat there, do so before using the toilets.
The place is continually dirty food dried into a crust adorned
the table tops and most tables along with congealing fat found
inside various past food dinners.
Apple Green know they have a captive audience who don't
bother with things like cleanliness.
What they do avoid. OK right here, here's one that
is like a moral dilemma thing and let's see where you land on
this prime one. Only strange name says one star.
I recently visited Apple green to fuel my motorbike, although
they put an R instead of an EI. Recently visited Apple green to
fuel my motorbiker. However, my payment have been
declined, so I offered to return within an hour to pay.
No, while that is the right thing to do and probably an easy
mistake to make, there is like a policy on this at the garage.
And also it's not like a local garage where they just get to
know you and you're like, listen, sorry, you know me, I'm
in here every week. Unless it's me, in which case I
go, you know me. BBC Three of lockdown and they
go, we don't, we've never seen it.
We listen to cool FM. You know, the apple green is
different, You know, I mean, it's not like in the middle of a
time, the chance you're coming back or remote, it's not easy to
get to. The manager of the site asked me
to leave my motorbike as collateral.
I mean, I don't know how much the fuel was, but like that's
not collateral. You know what I mean?
Listen, that 40 year a €40 petrol here, right?
Well, you may leave the bike in case you don't go back when I
refuse to demand that I leave my mobile phone.
That OK, It's more of a fair kind of trade, he goes.
Obviously this is a ridiculous measure.
So I complained to the head office of Apple Green.
I received a correspondence from Mark Townsend, a director of the
company, who simply offered me 10 lbs is goodwill gesture.
There was no sincere apology from Apple Green.
Terrible company. You're in the wrong.
Prime one only.
I am prime one only. Prime one only.
Destroy Apple Green. You're in the wrong.
Because yeah, they shouldn't ask you to leave your motorbike.
Because you would have needed to go and get something like
another card or some sort of payment.
But to leave your mobile phone? Yeah, leave something you're not
unless they know you're not known as Prime One only isn't
universally known as the most trustworthy person on planet
Earth. It'd be different if Davey
Attenborough walked in the fuel up his Rover car.
I went, I'm sorry, I've forgotten.
My God, was that a good album? Part of me thinks it was, like,
quite good. You know you'd go, Davey.
Don't worry about it mate, go home and get your card and he
comes home and goes. I'll turn home to get my God.
It wasn't good second time. Second time it wasn't good.
My impression of David Attenborough.
It was good first time, right? But what I'm saying is they
don't know you from Adam, They don't know you from Adam.
So to say leave your mobile phone there is probably fucking
fair. What's the deal?
It's not like infringement. Your human rights leave
something of that. That makes so much sense.
You have taken, without meaning to, something of value.
So give us something of equivalent value until you pay
us the real price. It makes total sense.
Imagine writing a letter to the head office of Apple Green.
I don't leave my mobile phone because I fucking balls up and
made a mistake. Mark Townsend straight back.
Mark goes. No worries mate.
Here's a tenor who doesn't love like tenors, A cheeky amount of
money to get. Who do we take out?
We tenor Mark Townsend is like a legend giving you a tenor twat.
You know Mark Townsend. I like Mark Townsend.
What we maybe do one more. Now do you know what?
I'll tell you a story about Apple cream and petrol.
I was flying to Lai was flying to LA back in times where you
were allowed to travel and go to places that weren't just your
house. And I stopped on the way down
to. I was driving my grey Passat at
the time, which people just got to know it was.
It starred in many videos with me.
But my car was kind of like falling apart a wee tiny bit,
like it wasn't in the best of shape.
I'm someone who I'll just drive. Cars until you just can't drive
many more now I'll just. Like not want to spend that
money. I'm not a car guy.
Is the car like the he didn't work as a as a seat company then
OK, I'll drive it. So I driving on Dublin airport,
I stopped at the Dundalk Apple Green and I I don't like I'm but
I'm a hard man, right? So I don't really.
Leave it. I don't leave a lot of time to
be in the airport. I like to get there.
Get a, get a magazine, 30 Mile. I have to get there, get a porn
mag and get imagine, imagine you were standing beside me waiting
to board a plane and I had a magazine tucked under my arm and
a Starbucks. And you were just making small
talk with me being like, oh, listen to the podcast.
And I had just a full explicit porn mag under my arm and just
never addressed it. And you addressed it and you
were like, oh, got some reading material there.
And I just went, yeah, Yep. No, I buy 442, the football
magazine. I like to get myself.
I sound like a child, like AI sound like a child.
Businessman here. I buy 442 football magazine.
I might buy some crisps, even though I'm a bit crisp, you
know, I'll buy some crisps. I'll go to Starbucks, I'll get a
cup of tea. And I will also say, can I have
a wee tiny carton of almond milk as well for the flight?
And the person might not like it, but they will begrudgingly
give me. I'll offer to pay, but then they
won't charge me for it. And that means I can have wee
cups of tea on the plane and put in my almond milk.
Everybody wins. Everyone's a winner, baby.
That's no doubt. And then I get on the plane.
Or maybe sometimes I go to the wee curries in the airport.
Maybe I buy some sort of gadget. I've never done that.
Bought headphones once in an airport, My Sony headphones that
I like to wear, we Bluetooth wireless ones.
Don't know how that technology works, but I love it.
Anyway, when I was at the Apple Green, on my way down, I stopped
to get diesel and a sandwich or something, and I was sort of
cutting the not cutting the fine.
As long as I got there relatively quickly, I was going
to be all right. And I got out of my car and I
closed the door. I filled it up with diesel, went
in, paid, came back out, door wasn't opening, car was
unlocked. I was hitting unlock, it wasn't
opening and I went round. I tried the door, it wouldn't
open. I went round to the passenger
side, tried the door wasn't open.
Back door one side Nope, other side Nope.
Boot opened right? So the boot opened, but the
Passat is like a long car, so it's not like you could just
like get into the boot and then get through the back seat and
open it. So I'm going there must be a
quick fix here. I didn't panic at all.
I went on YouTube, which I always do to solve the problem
and I realised that because my keys are the we blip, blip, you
blip, blip, you hit it and the we blip, blip, then blip, blip
to lock it. So I typed in my blip, Blip
isn't working. No, I just said like Passat,
automatic doors not opening, automatic locking, not opening.
And it said you actually have a wee key inside your wee blipper
and I didn't realise that. So you could open the thing and
then a wee key pops out and I went, oh class, there's a hole
for a key I've never seen before.
You had to take a wee bit of the door handle off.
I did that, put my key in, happy as Larry turned it.
Not opening, not opening, no windows open, no way of getting
in. So I keep calm.
I go online, I'm just outside Dundalk so iPhone a locksmith
based in Dundalk and I say hello, I'm parked at the Apple
green. I can't get into my car.
Is there any way you can come and help?
And the woman goes we wouldn't be able to get out for like
another 4 hours. And in my head I was going how
are you that busy? You're a locksmith and it's not
1927. She goes there's another
locksmith, I'll give you their number, phone them.
No answer At this point. Starting to panic a bit because
if my car was parked in like 1 of the parking bays I could go
into apple green and say I'm going to leave this car here for
a week but here's why. And then Mark Townsend would
give me a tenner for my trip 100% but it was parked like
right at the. Petrol pump.
So I couldn't, I knew it would take so long to organise like
moving it and all that kind of, well, there was no way to move
it. So I'm starting to kind of panic
a bit and I open the boot and I think is there a way for me to
get through now when I get into the boot my.
Body is the whole way in the boot lengthwise not like
sideways, so the boot. What I'm saying is the boot is
so. Long, like unnecessarily long.
And eventually I managed to hit a button and get the middle seat
down. That's all I can do, you know,
like not even the middle seat. Sorry, you know the way armrest.
How fucked up is this? You know the armrest?
Like sometimes in a middle seat you can pop down.
You could. Open that up.
So I opened that up. By the way, I'm at a petrol pump
beside the doors of an Apple green.
It looks like I've kidnapped myself.
I managed to like get that open. And then I'm thinking, you know,
is there some way I can? Because I'm like, I can't get
through. I can't get my body through this
gap, you know, because then I could open the door from the
inside and it would have been sweet.
So I'm like, what am I going to do?
And I was really starting to panic.
And then I took off my jumper and my coat and I was just in my
T-shirt and I started to try and see if I could squeeze through
this small gap. And I thought this was really
weird. I was starting to sweat a bit, I
thought, But then the sweat helped me and I get like half of
my body into the back of my car and all I need to do is be able
to reach the back seat door, open it, push it out, and that's
all I need to be able to do. So I get in.
I can't reach, I'm nowhere near it.
Then I suddenly see. That I have a.
Coat hanger A plastic coat hanger.
Sorry if the youngest was born. There's a plastic I'm going to
miss my flight. Also, by the way, there's a
plastic coat hanger in my reach. I reach that, I hook that on the
end of the metal end of the door handle.
I pull it back. I then fucking so weird had
like, you know, like a cane, like a plastic cane.
A wee pimp would have. I had that from some video for
some reason. So I use my other, I hook the
door handle. I pull it open and it's open,
but it needs pushed out. Use my other hand, like Steve,
like Stephen Henry, like a wee snooker player, Ronnie
O'Sullivan. I just like use the snooker cue
type thing to push the door out. Unreal.
I genuinely. It's so difficult to squeeze
back out this hole. That's what she said.
Get out of the boot. Close the boot.
Unbelievable, I then. Reach through the driver's seat.
I reach through. I open that, I push that door
out, I run around to hold it for myself.
I get in the car, drive Dublin airport.
Unreal. Then I make sure that like, I
know where I'm parking, all that I'm like, right, I must make a
note that when I get home and get the car fixed, I get out of
the car at Dublin Airport. I'm in the.
Furthest away, airport car park. I open my car.
I go round to the boot. I take my suitcase out.
Yeah, isn't this it? I go round to the boot.
I take my suitcase out. Close the door and realised that
the whole thing's locked again, my keys won't work and my
passport is in the front of my car.
There we go. Passport's in the front of my
car, done the whole thing again and also the coat hanger that I
used is now not in the backseat, I put it in the boot so I have
to figure out some other way of. I can't remember what I used,
but I managed to do the whole thing again.
And that was a long story, but I think it's a metaphor for 20/21.
The thing's a metaphor for the past year.
And I think The thing is we just have to sometimes, most of the
time like in most. Years.
We just open the door. Blip, blip.
We open it. This year we're having to go
through the boot, but it'll be worse in the end and it was a
good trip. OK.
We'll take some questions here. Let's see what we got, Carl
Cunningham said. I put these out last week, by
the way, but I ended up doing a guest episode last week.
Carl was looking. For Myths and stories of Saint
Patrick, didn't we do breakfast brew?
I mean, oh, what a great salesman.
I did a breakfast brew. Episode all about Saint Patrick
with me and producer Dan and. I'll just give you 1 fact that I
like about Saint Patrick's. Patty Davis was last week, and
that is. That Saint Patrick's real name
was May win Suitcat. Unbelievable.
May win Suitcat. He should have kept that because
it's way better than Patrick. Also, Speaking of Patty's Day,
on Patty's Day, our TV shows on BBC and it's still on BBC
iPlayer. She and Todd's Ray of lockdown.
Go and check it out. Me and Dave Elliott doing a TV
version of the radio show. It went down great.
I don't know if we'll do if we'll get to do it again, but it
was brilliant crack and the feedback too was like way better
than we expected. And also there's two episodes of
the rave lockdown radio show left.
We've got 2 episodes. Left So that's this Friday
night, sixth half seven on Radio All Star Shane McGuire.
Do you know anyone selling magic mushrooms?
Asking for a friend. I don't know anybody selling
magic mushrooms. I don't know a lot about magic
mushrooms really. And more meaning to get the
idea, but but yeah, I've never, I've never taken magic
mushrooms. It's something I would like, I
would be interested to do, but it will have to be in a very
controlled environment and I have to know I wouldn't die.
And ultimately. If you couldn't guarantee me
that, then I wouldn't do it, and you probably couldn't convince
me of that. But people used to go up golf
courses to get magic mushrooms again.
Thought someone's going to murder a Moon Gordon.
So do I know anyone selling magic mushrooms?
I don't. I don't tell your maid.
I'm sorry. Aaron McCann.
Not the comedy Aaron McCann, but just a different guy who's also
called Aaron McCann, says how do you come up with the jokes for
Keith Cruz? By the way, you're a legend
right back at you other arm McCann.
That's like call you other arm McCann.
Like you're just a different arm McCann.
How do I come up? With the with Keith Cruz.
Just years of playing local amateur league football.
You get to see in here all these real life Keith cruises and hear
people shout he doesn't. Want it, you know, sometimes at
me and a lot of time I don't want it.
So I just put that all together. But like the Mike McGoldrick
thing, just living in Hollywood, being a.
Dishwasher down a control Yacht Club you just you just observe
people like knowing it and then you put it in the put it in
their. Character.
I'll do another crazy video soon, Christwire Ginley says.
UFO It's UFO Week this week. Are you?
Are you a believer of UFOs? If so.
Why? If not, why I'm not a?
Believer of UFOs, I don't believe the UFOs really exist
because I mean, it's easier to say you don't believe they exist
than to say they do exist because if you're like it's
easier to not prove it because we're already not proving it
because. You can't show me one in the
flesh and don't like if you're like an alien guy watching this
and you're like, I can beam me up and I'll show you one, then
I'll send you that. I don't want to do that and I
don't think UFOs exist. But it is kind of fun, the idea
of it. I would, I wouldn't mind it.
Like I'm up for gigging anywhere.
Like once we can do stand up again, I would do a gig in a
UFO. But there's that guy.
Is it Salazar? Salazar, who was on Joe Rogan's
podcast, who says he worked on the UFO or something.
Area 52, is that what it is? I don't know.
No, I don't believe UFOs are real.
It's a bit like. Aliens in general is.
I don't think they would look like we think they do because
that's ultimately us that has come up with.
Visual drawings and representations of what we think
they would. Be Who's to say they look?
Like if there really are aliens, they probably don't look like
anything we can comprehend or we've ever seen before.
Like there might be some different colour we've never
even seen, like a really bright turquoise or something.
One that we have seen that probably.
I'm blowing my own mind here. I don't, I don't believe in
like. Aliens, or yet?
Well, no, Jesus Christ, I don't think there are UFOs, but if
there is other life forms, which there probably is somewhere,
right? But they're not like I don't
think they're we like big head green fellas.
Go on. Take me to your dealer, you
know, sell magic mushrooms bra. I don't think there are, but
they're definitely, well, not definitely because I mean, I
wouldn't be a leading light on this.
But there has to be life. Forms on other planets for sure
in the in the whole, I'm not qualified enough to talk about
this, but if you want, I'll get a UFO expert on the podcast when
we get into the studio and we can talk about that.
That'd be a lot of fun because I just realised I think I do
believe in aliens. Gareth Montgomery says when I
was in NRC I had an assignment on how bad Battle of the Bone
was. NRC sounds like a local rap
group. I couldn't be bothered to come
up with what I think it stands for.
But yeah. You had an assignment on how bad
Battle of the Bone was. Yeah, Battle of the Bone was a
zombie Kung Fu horror film. I was in when I was.
Already a teen and it was made locally and it's kind of like a
cult hit in that it's one of those ones where it's so bad
that it's kind of good people enjoy it.
It's weird that you did an assignment on that, and if you
are, I don't know if you're. Like.
A filmmaker, yourself or anything like that.
But if you are, you know, I don't know if you if you've done
anything as good as Battle of the Bone.
Battle of the Bone was so bad. But there's worse.
Stuff, you know what I mean? I mean, if anyone hasn't seen
Battle of the Bone, it's me with a shaved head and some other
guys beating up some zombies on the 12th of July.
Because that is the one thing that brings Protestants and
Catholics together. And spoiler alert.
But the last scene in it is me impaling the main zombie with a
tricolour and a Union Jack. So I mean, it's a pretty good
film. Gareth, I would need to see some
of your work because unless you're like young Scorsese, you
can't be, you can't be bringing that heat.
So I want you to send me one of your films and I want to.
See if it's really good. And if it isn't, I think that
slide that you've done that assignment, because some people
love Battle of the Bone, like the guy who made it, the guy who
directed it, he loved it. He thought it was really good
and, and a lot of people didn't. I didn't think it was good.
But we did it, you know what I mean?
This class it was done with the as in the experience kinda I.
Don't know, maybe it wasn't. It was done with a budget of 10
ground and it was just very interesting to see the process
of it. And but at the time you were
like, Oh yeah, bit of fun. Like like a lot of the people
that worked on it were very sound.
Still be in touch with quite a lot of people from it.
But yeah, it was one of those like it's a it's worth a watch,
probably for the wrong reasons, but.
You know, at the time being like, I don't know, 18/19/18
when someone's like, hey, do you want to be in a film?
You. Go yeah.
So when? So Gareth, I'm keen to see, I'm
keen to see your films from the NRC.
Yeah, man, back in the day when I was in the NRC, me Dappy from
N Dubs and Craig David, you know, NRC sounds like you would
support Lamar on tour. If you remember Lamar, he
actually had some decent songs. Remember 5050?
No, maybe a bit like Battle of Bono.
I was like, yeah, it was good. And then I thought about it when
it wasn't. But you know what you could do?
You got to shoot me that assignment because I would
genuinely enjoy reading that over a cup of tea.
Fair play. Thank you very much to everybody
who's listened to watch the episode. patreon.com,
Tubepodcast. If you want more content, we
should be back in the studios in the next.
Couple of weeks we could. Have some very sexy visual
stuff. I don't know how to describe
that. Thanks for watching.
Thanks for listening. See you later.
Keep sipping tea.