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October 8th and 9th. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea With Me podcast. With me, she and Todd.
It's a guest episode. We're in the studio.
Before we get into it, let me just very quickly say this.
We are sponsored by Manscaped. Look, there's I know this is
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but there's four men in this room right now.
That's it. And that should be illegal.
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They'll hit me. Listen to that.
What does that sound like? Baldness.
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Two other quick things to plug. Number one is I'm doing the SSA
Arena, my brand new stand up show tour which is called
Chancellor. I say Tour.
I'm probably just doing the SSA Arena.
So it is 2 nights and it's just a tour of Belfast and it's just
those two dates, the 6th and the 13th of November.
The 6th of November is sold out on the 13th.
There are about 1/3 of the tickets available for that, so
go and check that out. Last thing the plug is
patreonpatreon.com/tea with Me podcast or just search Patreon
Tea with Me podcast. We do this episode on a
Wednesday. On Monday, just for Patreon, we
do a full length bonus episode now featuring video, so it's a
video version as well. And on Friday we do a live
stream and my guest today is one of our regulars in for that.
We have Aaron Butler, Patti McDonald, Dave Elliott, and
we're going to open that up and get more people into the studio.
So that's every Friday we do that.
It's only for Patreon. You ask questions, you're part
of the show, and we'll do those at 2:00 PM every Friday.
So patreon.com, such tea with me podcast.
What do you say we just get into this episode?
My guest who's sitting to my left, said just before we
started recording, we were talking about Switzerland and he
said I've only been in Switzerland whenever I was
travelling from Kosovo. Karen Bartlett, why are we in
Kosovo? I.
Was trafficking people? No, I was.
I was. You're like the worst guy under
questioning. Straight in, yeah, I was moving
hardcore heroin bricks through several Balkan countries.
I was, I was there. I did a wee bit of research and
I really by the way. That sounds more dodgy than just
going people trafficking. I was, I was doing a wee bit of
research and on the conflict there and like I was, I was
working, I did a wee bit of journalism.
It was only for about a week. Oh, so for your PhD, not just I
was. Pre, it was pre PhD.
I did it. I did it sort of well, the
research side of it went in the master's thesis and then when I
was there I wrote some journalism and I made a wee
radio doc. I sold it all the media places
here. So that sort of paid for the
trip and gave me a wee bit of wee bit of, I mean, I mean
we've. Established.
Before. Kerry coin, Kerry coin in the
house and Kerry coin in the house.
And as opposed to last Friday's live stream, not wearing pyjamas
or, as you refer to them, flounces, straight up shorts.
Yeah, I left their own specials at home and I've gone for Nike
basketball shorts despite the fact that I don't play
basketball, funnily enough. Like I've never done.
The only thing I've ever done was a doughnut like.
You know, McDonald's have just brought out cheese sauce like
the size of your burger. I don't know if anyone's seen
this. It's like.
Is it warm? I don't know.
That's a great question. Because I'll tell you what I'm
not interested in cold cheese sauce.
Cold cheese sauce. Get out Cold cheese sauce.
Sounds like if you and me formed an indie band it would be one of
our B sides. But yeah they just.
You just dip the you dip your burger into more cheese.
Basically McDonald's story from last night, actually.
That's very quick turn around. I've, I've been, I've, I've
genuinely been quite well behaved this year.
I would say I've, I've lost some weight.
I've lost about 3 stones since January.
I've maybe put on a few pound again and then I've lost it
again, right. And I'm not going the first
Nolan, you know, you know, 600 calories a day, not sustainable,
right? So I've.
But anyway, Long story short, I was at McDonald's last night and
I was just getting, but all I was getting was a wee wrap.
That's all I was getting. I do this too, by the way, where
if I tell someone about McDonald's I go I hadn't been
there like for a year. Before it, I know it's like you
have to like justify the Mcshame to like, yeah, you know, to
other people. Anyway, over there.
I made Oh my God, it's the new one at Mckinstry Rd.
So it's like between between Twinberg and Lisburn and that
kind of unclaimed paradise of, of, of Mckinstry and I'm.
Sorry, Dan lives in Lisburn now. You've been here.
You've been there. No, it's, you know, we're, we're
Milltown is, you know, on your way in the Lisburn.
There's a Mickey D's at that big roundabout there at the end of
what people my age still refer to as the new road, despite the
fact that it was built in 1990. So and there's an even newer
road near it, which is the newer Rd.
So anyway, you never know the names of these roads.
Like do you know what I mean? Where are you from?
The Shire? I'd meet you on the New
Roadshire. I'll meet I'll meet you at the
village of Cold Bree Sauce. So the I don't.
Know what that means? The Bree was it was too niche.
It was so niche, cut, cut it anyway.
So the there was a what was it on?
Yeah, mate. At McDonald's last night as
we're about, we're at the window awaiting the food.
Yeah, and a fucking big dirty, what I'm describing as a
Mcfurry, a big rat fucking ran out in front of us and was like
chilling out round round at the thing.
And we were both like, and it was the Scott, you know what
disgusting rat, you know? Wait, you're in the I'm not
supposed to a well groomed? No, yeah, like, you know, as as
opposed to like 1 coming out in the chefs hat like Ratatouille,
it's been in whipping together some salads, right?
In a in a brand collaboration? Hold on, you're what window yet?
I'm in the passenger seat. Dave Elliott made the great
point to me recently where he said why at the first window do
they go when they take your payment?
Do they go actually if you want to head on to the next window?
Where else am I going do? You know what I hate?
I hate when you get to the next window and they go can you go to
the next window? Yeah, that's it.
That must be the cushiest job. Like the third window.
Yeah, no, feed me now if it's not, If it's not fast enough to
bring it, you're not allowed to call it fast food anymore.
Call it. Well, no, like it just for it
irritated me that we're we're at that third window.
OK, so I'm all right, window down.
Window, the driver's windows down, I'm in the passenger seat.
I'm already here because they've sent me to that third bit, which
I don't like. And then this dirty stinking rat
ran out and it was like, it was like dark, dark brown and like
it had you know, you know when you can see the back of its tail
and it's like, it's like thick and you're like, right?
And my instinct. Was is it ram past in between
the car and the window? It ran, it ran out in front of
us and then ran into like, you know the way the plant like we
trees and shit. So it was outside, right?
It was outside. That's just, by the way, in case
McDonald's won't response to the podcast.
Well. Just want to establish.
That well, the thing was, is that is that they, we told them
we were like, like, you know, my instinct was to say, keep your
food, I'm good and drive on. And then the second instinct was
a have we wrap right? And, and, and we said that we
said them we were like here. No, there's probably nothing you
can do about it because it is outdoors.
There's a big rotten rat over there.
And they were just like, right, as if, like, you know, we're
between Twinberg and Lisburn. There'll be rats.
Do you know what I mean? What did you expect to do the
guy to just whip out a job? I thought, I thought he might
have had like, you know, some cold cheese sauce to lure it.
That's death or something. I know man.
It's just fucking. It irritated me.
Are are Mickey D's Thinking of sponsoring your podcast?
Not now I know, I know. I mean, I don't think they were
at any point genuinely, though McDonald's did sponsor boy town
for one episode. Oh shit.
And they this is very me, right? They they say what what we want
you to do. They had a new sauce called like
it was Big Mac sauce, right. It was just, you know, the.
Sauce, but on Big Mac? Exactly.
Right, so they. You've never had a Big Mac?
They were buying that, selling that separately.
So they said, would you do something on the podcast with
it? So I said that, Dave, what about
we do you know, like, you know, when you see people doing like
body food, remember that was the thing for a while.
You'd be like, we're businessmen at a lunch and there would be
like sometimes an Asian lady. I maybe this didn't happen, but
and she would like lie there for them.
Dan knows exactly what I'm talking about.
That's a man that used to work for a few, let's say big
broadcasting companies and have been a few of these lunches.
So you would have like an Asian, the need to be Asian, a lady
lying on a table, you know, like kind of still and like in her
belly button. You'd have a bit of what like a
bit of foie gras are. You fucking serious?
Yeah. Yeah.
What do you hear about this was like a launch thing?
How would you describe this? Cannibalism.
No, no, she had, she would have food on her.
That's really degrading. Like, I mean, that's really
like, sorry, I realised I sound like a complete knob, but that's
really like Grim. Who wants that as their job?
What did you do today? I'll let somebody get celery in
them. A fucking navel.
Do you know what I mean? We garlic and herbal.
It's Rob. Why did you want to eat that?
That's like, do you remember? I don't know.
Do you remember that place? By the way, we had a nice
surprise planned for you for lunch, but you can go fuck you.
Tell, tell the end of your, tell the end of this story.
So there was Shabadi food was a thing.
Yeah. I've never heard that.
Yeah, I don't think they're still doing it, but.
Corporate places that would have done that.
Not really. It was like it was an opulent
thing that people were doing, but probably not doing it as
much as you thought. Or This is why it was probably
in our film or something. We've been punished because of
body food has LED to the pandemic.
That's what I think. So I said the Dave for Boston
body food. You lie on the table mate.
I had Big Mac you. And in your belly button, we'll
pour the Big Mac sauce and I'll dip some chips in it and eat
them. Did he clean his navel
beforehand? Well, here's the.
Thing I thought that would do very well as a viral clip,
right? Very, very well.
Do you know what's an interesting thing?
I think if you took a portrait of my navel and a portrait of
Daves that look very similar, go.
Ahead. I mean, that is the Netflix show
that we need to format. Whose navel is it?
So so Dave was like, well, no, what?
I don't want to do that. And then I went, that's right,
actually can't eat the Big Mac sauce because I'm lactose
intolerant. So in the end, we just.
I did not. Yeah, In the end we both
pretended like Dave was eating the Big Mac burger and we came
up with some really bad idea. And then I was just pretending
they'd a Big Mac because I couldn't.
So I was actor, I was playing an actor.
Say he was eating the Big Mac. McDonald's of his are watching
and you need to sponsor somebody, you know, go to a man.
Let's try it. Most of your products, apart
from the Big Mac, there's too much bread, right?
Even for me. Sometimes some people just slip
that middle bit out. Where?
Where does it go then? The big rat.
Here's the thing though, about the body food thing, because it
never really heard that, but when you were talking about it,
it reminded me of do you remember that place, the Bamboo
Beach Club? Yes.
By the way, Mike, can you look, can you look it up or Dan, can
we just look it up? Body like, let's find out what
it's called. Let's find out where it
originated from, and let's find out how quickly and just we
could get someone over. Yeah.
And what do you say? Remember the Bamboo Beach Club?
They used to do that thing. It was a night by the way, but
for anyone who doesn't know Bamboo Beach Club or as it was
just known, Beach Club Beach Club, it was in the Odyssey
Arena in Belfast. Discuss Discuss the the Odyssey
pavilion myth, a place where businesses dialogue so.
I went to beach club maybe through I was not a big
nightclub guy because once I didn't have a load a load of
mates then and and like you would have more gone to
someone's house or gone to a bar.
I wasn't like a huge nightclub guy but I I went to beach club
to a foam party and found it inconvenient.
Idea of a foam party? I found the whole place to be
largely inconvenient. And the other thing in there
that was the people were doing called body shots, which was
like, you know, you would drink out of people's navels and I'm
going, you know, it would never strike me to do anything.
Is there anything you like enough that you would take out
of a navel? Like is there a drink or I?
Would dip, I would dip a raffle's chip in the raffle's
Curry sauce in almost anyone's navel.
Like I mean, I think the sauce is strong enough to stand up to
the the navel juice, you know what I mean?
Well, there's, by the way, will you make an episode note to call
this episode navel juice? So last time you came in here
you were in pyjama bottoms or as you call them, flounces.
I tried to impress you today by wearing a band T-shirt.
I see that, but you gave me nothing.
I'm not overly into them. It's just, I know, but I still
thought, you know, might strike, but I know you're a music guy.
I thought it would strike up a bit of a conversation.
No one has said anything to me about my Street Fighter T-shirt.
You're wearing a Street Fighter T-shirt.
I'm wearing an Aslan T-shirt that I bought at their tour.
And by the way, do. You like them, you ended up.
Not well printed the T-shirt. I'm not into their merch but I'm
into them as a band and they have a song that is one of the
only songs that can make me cry. What is it?
Crazy world? By Aslan, I have songs that make
me feel weepy. So crazy World can make me cry
because I loved the song. And then when I had the baby, I
listened to it by chance and I was like, gone.
It's like, how can I protect you in this crazy world?
And it was during COVID when he was born.
So I was like, oh, gone. But that's one of the only.
Songs. You actually nearly made me cry
singing once. What was the singing?
You sang Ave Maria, Yeah. The actual one at.
A service that. We were, oh, shit.
Far enough. Yeah.
Well, that was very difficult
for me as well. Yeah.
Well, yeah, I mean, can I say what it was?
It was your dad's funeral and you sang Ave Maria and I've
like, I've heard you saying, doing comedy shows, Yeah.
Then silly songs about what was the Garth Brooks, are they?
What was friends in the places? I've had, it's like I've had wax
in weird places or something. Yeah.
So, well, I explode. You make strange faces.
So in my head, when I hear you're on the lineup for your
dad's funeral, I'm like, Oh no. On the lineup, do the cheeky 5
with Dad's funeral. I asked for a spot, so you know.
You said, like you said, you know you're doing a song.
I don't know, I. Was like, it's good to be here.
Oh fuck sake, that's funny. And he shouldn't say and he.
Shouldn't say. Genuinely, at my granny's
funeral, right, which was just up the road, they were like will
you, will you speak at it? Will you like say things?
He said new stuff. He said just up the road.
Sounded like the new. It was.
It was annoying. Yeah.
Sounded like it was on at the same time as my dad's funeral.
And you did a set of both, you know.
Doubling up. Doubling up for the coin?
Finished off of the week 5 and the international back home.
That's funny. But my granny's for another one.
Will you like, say a few words at it?
And I said yes. And I think I was doing my first
solo show that year and it was about 3 weeks before and I
thought we could run a bit of stuff here.
And it was, I just treated it like it was a bit of a set.
And it was funny, like my dad was like, you know, my dad's are
quite short. Yeah, that was.
And I was up like, what do you call the thing pulpit?
A pulpit, Yeah. I was up at that and you could
just about see like. I said it's a pulpit because of
a pulpit. Sounds like, you know, it sounds
like a different type of club that you might have got in the
Odyssey, the pulpit. No, that's what the family
wanted for the funeral. So we were in that and and it
only came up to like just the top of my chest.
And I said, I got up and I was like, here's the thing.
I made it seem like it was going to be your average funeral
speech. I said, look, I'm talking here
on behalf of my, my dad. And he's sitting in the front
row and like everyone's upset because it's my granny's
funeral. And I said, you know, my dad
wanted to say a few words, but he just couldn't.
He couldn't because what you wouldn't be able to see because
you can only see here on me. And he's a very small man.
And that broke the tension a bit.
And then at that point when there was a bit of laughs,
that's when I I was like, I'm a stand up and all of a sudden it
was overcooking. You know what I mean?
Like we're a little bit of crowd work, you know, I was like, you
know, sandwich is ready yet for after, you know, and I was like,
you know, zinger bit of crowd work.
But yeah, you you sang at your dad's funeral, you sang Ave
Maria. And I was just not prepared for
it because first of all, that's such a beautiful song.
And then yeah, I've only seen you sing comedy type songs.
So when you did that, I was like.
Oh God, Mantle. Had a tear, a tear like.
That for me, for me, songs that make me feel weepy.
There's one called Hurt in Your Heart by John Martin that's just
like. Hurt in your heart does sound
like a downer. It is it is a downer, but it's
an amazing song. It's it's when the hurt in your
heart is gone. Like give me a sign, you know,
like he's he's singing the his ex-wife me.
Oh my God. When the hurt in your heart is
gone, give me a sign meaning like when you fucking wise it
can be showed. See me?
You've calm down a wee bit. What other songs would be
correct first time I heard butterfly kisses Robert Carlyle
I cried and I was about to laugh and I did not have any children.
I. Was like, what is that his name?
Robert Carlyle? I think so.
Is Robert Carlyle not the guy, the actor from food Monty every
some voice? Yeah.
She leaned over. Do you know, I think it's weird
when people get songs that got played at like, you know, I'm
like, curl goes quieter. What's it called?
Lights out like that? Because that's that's a guy
singing about his daughter. Do you know what I mean?
All really love you, Jolene and say, you know, bring me my
breakfast. Give me a wee kiss on the
forehead, daughter. You're I I love you.
That's my girl, you know she. Just love.
I just love when people just hear a slow like melancholic
song Go, that's our relationship.
And you're like, it's not though, is it?
Do you remember? Back in the day on that, I don't
know if they still do it. People will be like I.
I seen a bird on a Mondeo. So if you're listening, give me
a shout. Who was texting in expecting a
reply? I saw you in Belfast.
I was I looked at you for ages on the train of the Koroon.
I stared intensely at your face and you weren't looking at me,
but 70 miles on a train. I just love that vibe of like,
you know, like a song. A great example would be like,
you know, like Mama by the spice courts or something.
Mama. I love some guy pull glasses
like I love her. I play a song for my daddy.
This is Mama always getting it wrong.
But you have Butterfly Kisses. Do you know?
It's another whopping song. It's such a RIP off of another
song. But you know, I'm at that.
That reminds me of Butterfly Kisses.
Is that Lone Star amazed? You know, I knew what you do.
It's like, and it's it's such a RIP off of this Bryan Adams,
Right? It was like it literally like,
yeah, you know, it still feels like dead.
What about Bryan Adams? Underrated.
Yeah, remember he did that song with Mel C and he cleared up his
acne and apparently he said that when he turned up the recorder,
they wouldn't let him into the building when he said he was
Bryan Adams. Pretty serious, I swear to go Oh
my. God, that was a great song,
Brian. As from LC baby When you're
gone. Did we find anything more about
Asian body food, Naked body, Dan?
Yeah. So it came from Japan.
By the way, Dan's pretend we had to look this up.
Originates in Japan. OK.
And it is sushi based, but there are some countries that have
banned it. Yeah, in China they don't like
it. Why would you want to eat sushi
off some? I don't even like sushi off a
plate to be fair. Look, I mean.
I mean the the be fair, sushi's probably a good food for it, you
know, practicality wise. We bets.
Yeah, like you wouldn't want to do like a gravy chip and slice
chicken. Stick that Stew in that you're
able. I love eat that Stew from
someone's. Champ ABS get over here.
Here I was. I started watching the thing
called The Tunnel on Sky. Right.
Right, which is a remake of the Bridge.
Oh, right. OK, that's the same, the same.
Oh, sorry. And I think of the same idea.
Yeah. I think if you want to think of
that programme because you're a guy that will, we're the
opposite, right? You'll watch the Scandinavian
drama. And I am the lazy person.
They make it for where it's like do it without the subtitles and
in English. Probably worse.
Yeah, you've seen. You love like you.
You like the foreign dramas? You've seen the Daniel Craig
Girl of the Dragon Tattoo. I've seen all the Swedish ones.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you watch, like, foreign
dramas? Yeah.
Depends what it is. What Gamora?
That's what I want to do. Gamora, it's class.
The Brazilian, it's Italian. Sorry, what am I thinking of?
Ronaldo. City of God.
Oh, what? That's a great film.
That's such a good film. No Gamora.
I have Gamora in the house. I've seen it.
I've seen it once for like. It's weird that I associate City
of God with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
City of God was a City of God was one of those things.
You were very keen to tell people that you're a big fan of
it back in the day because it was subtitled.
It's like, come on to my house and watch this subtitle.
Yeah, I'm trying to think what else I've I've seen a lot of
Japanese movies, to be fair. I've seen a lot of Kurosawa and
Atu and all these different ones.
And it depends what I'll decide. When rumble in the Bronx.
Or else, you know, you know, people say like, you know,
they've seen, I've seen the 7th Samurai.
You know, I'm sitting there going.
Tom Cruise, top Asian actor. But have you seen you Jimbo?
Does, you know, does Tom Cruise just play a straight up Japanese
samurai in that? In the last summer, no, he
plays. He plays an American guy.
I've been under the impression up until now that Tom Cruise was
just playing the Japanese guy and never addressed it at any
point. No, he plays an American guy
charged with training like a Japanese army and then he gets
captured by the samurai and assimilates with them culturally
and then fights against the people that he just trained.
That's one of those ones isn't a great where if you got accused
of training the Japanese Army, it's very clear call where
either you did it or you didn't. You know what I mean?
Like there's no grey area in that.
Like either you trained the Japanese Army or you didn't.
Tom Cruise. Turn them away but.
Tom Cruise is definitely a weird guy, but like some.
Unbelievable things. I don't really give a shit about
his personal life or whatever. I think if you can't watch A Few
Good Men and just go, this is amazing.
He's brilliant and it's a brilliant script or something.
Do you think you get caught up in Scientology on the right day?
No, I think, and I think I could.
Do you know the only reason that we do it would be to the tax
haven, some of my precious colonies.
No, I don't think so. I don't think so, I think.
You're the only guy who's like every religion just for like
financial reasons, like in diversity forms.
You're asking for more boxes. Yeah the the the Saint Karen
church in is burn that I'm building.
Yeah, yeah, it's yeah on on diversity forms I.
Oh, no, I'm just don't want me to be down.
I'm thinking back to last. I do, but I'm thinking back to
last Friday whenever we did the live episode.
And then towards the end you said about Baba and I made a
joke and I will cut that out. And you were like, yeah.
And I went, Oh no, it's live. And then you just didn't know
the episodes live. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm. I lie in diversity form.
No, this isn't life. On diversity forms, I, I, I
enjoy choosing white other and I'm given the option I'll write
something like white Belfast, white Irish, white Belfast, you
know, white wealthy. Others others seem so fun just
because the people who have to like look at the diversity forms
just can't compute it do. You consider yourself disabled
Sometimes. Every, every, every time.
I struggle to put my socks on. Yes.
Oh, that's fertile. That's horrible.
Diversity forms, I mean diversity forms are.
Like it's, it's like. After you've done something.
Do you know what I mean? It's all like it's always at the
end of an application. Or exactly it's such like it, it
doesn't go into anything. Here's all the reasons why I'm
brought up for this job. Here's all the reasons why
you're probably not going to harm me.
White other samurai. White other loaf of it.
White other a transom transom Japanese army guys.
So I've assimilated away. White other white other
asthmatic look, we didn't really get into this on on Friday, but
I wanted to ask you, but it you know at the minute if you.
Listen, I'm serious. Sorry.
I'm serious, who's want to talk with politics?
Right. Say, say the executive.
Come to you. All right, They show up at the
door and by the way, they pay, they pay their respects.
All right, there's a bag of money.
There's a bag of money given Frankincense, golden mirror,
right? It's passed the cross.
And a dead rat, your little. What do you call, what do you
call those? The Gringotts bank and Harry
Potter. Who that we allowed to work
there? Goblins.
Yeah, there we goblins. Your army of cash gathering
goblins run out, collect all the money, right?
They just get it all and and they file it right and they
take. It away.
How amazed would it be if actually under my house was like
the great God's fault? You're What do you call the guy
from DuckTales Scrooge? Mcduck, you you.
At the end of every day, you go down to your basement under your
house and you do like a big Angel and a pile of money and
then you dive into it, right? So the executive come to you and
they go, Kieran, we need to know how how to fix Northern Ireland
because. B&Q.
Journalists are saying it's burning, they're going Belfast
on fire. I mean, it isn't right.
And the reality is there's about 400 fellows who are mad into it,
and everyone else is like a hobbyist.
And you know that the. Rights A hobbyist makes me think
of people. Can't we toy soldiers?
Because that's that's what we call ourselves.
But one. Well at the end of the day I
think they are just toy soldiers man.
Super like 4-4 hundred guys, I'll give you that are really
into it and you know that the rest aren't that into like the
rioting because two nights they were mod Ford and then on the
third night, do you remember the temperature dropped over 5° and
they all went our we'll head in here.
It's freezing, you know, so, so how so the executive come to you
and they go listen, Karen, we've, we've tried to figure it
out. We've had meetings about having
meetings. I would say to potentially have
you have you fucked right? And they go look what is the?
What is the solution? I don't know.
I think most normal people, like I think most people are normal
and just want to get on more lives.
And I think most people, this is the thing, the thing annoys me
about the executive and things like that is like, see all that
crap, and it's been going on for a long time.
But all that crap of like, oh, if I walk down the corridor, I
don't say hello to people that are in that party or like, well,
that, that kind of makes you a knob.
Because in any other job, you walk down the corridor, you say,
all right, the people, I mean, just be civil, just just get on.
So at that, at that basic level, they're not trying.
Then when it comes to all that stuff, I totally get why people
are pissed off. They have been left behind.
Of course they've been left behind.
But so I mean, my, my own politics is more based on class
than on the sort of divides that we were brought up with or born
into or whatever. So I don't, I don't think their
enemy, I don't think their enemy particularly is the police.
I don't think their enemy particularly is, you know,
working class Catholics or nationalists or whatever.
I also don't really think it helps lumping religion into that
as much anymore. I don't think religion is as
much of people's identity here as it was even 20 or 30 years
ago. So I don't know, but in terms in
terms of fixing it, it's a shit show because you hear hear you
ask them to fix it, except people that have profited
greatly off off this type of thing happening, they get money.
They, I think there's a lot of corruption and.
Do you think do you think food vans would help?
I sometimes wonder if instead of bringing water cannon in, you
roll in with Jon Favreau's, you know, Taco truck, you'd make a
killing. And then, you know, let's make a
killing of another kind. You know what I mean?
And then, I don't know, it just depresses me.
I'm sick of saying. I mean, I get everybody's seen
the videos of like, people getting set on fire, throwing
petrol bombs and stuff. And you know, like guy trying to
stomp to put his feet out has been put across every musical
clip you can imagine that it's just like, all right, the age of
those people that are out doing that.
Like they showed you the ages of the people arrested from the
first and second night and we're like 13 to 25 and you're going.
What are you even? On there's always like a 37 year
old as well and you're going what's the situation there?
Yeah, because boys will be boys up to a.
Point yeah, boys will be boys, but you're a middle-aged man
like you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know.
It's weird. Like, I don't really, it's weird
because I don't really want to comment on what I don't think.
I don't think I have anything helpful particularly to say
about it. So it's kind of like, I think
it's kind of like redundant. I don't think people like that
want to listen to what I have to say about their situation.
All I know is the situation on both sides are pace liners is
pretty similar. Yeah, You know what I mean?
Those people on both sides of that and those areas have been
fucked over and left behind. Your enemy isn't each other.
Your enemy are the people that are fucking these over, which is
a wealthier political class in my opinion.
You know what I mean? I see.
I don't. You know, that whole thing of
like, I don't speak to them in the corridors, just dormant a
bit. Like, I mean, you can relate
when the money's right. When the money's right and I'm
getting subsidised food, I'll talk to anybody.
What do you think the spread would be up there?
Mate, have you never been into the wee kitchen but up in
Stormont? No mate, it is a spread.
It's gourmet food for fuck. All and do you think the food
cuts across the divide, as in do you think, yeah, on one side
want the other side they're happy with or do you reckon
that's when they go? Back and forth on one side,
they're very much into having like blue potatoes, Yeah.
And stuff like that. And, you know, we, we play like,
you know, blue potatoes, white sauce or, sorry, white rice and
red sauce. And then on the other side, it's
like carrots, peas. They're getting, they're getting
their greens. Yeah, I know it.
I know that the the food up there from what I remember was
literally like restaurant standard.
That's why, that's why we're in this predicament.
Yeah, because they don't have to pay for it.
They don't. They're not paying for work for
it. If they were bringing packed
lunches. Look at it this way, right?
You're, you're a, you're a self-employed guy, right?
Yeah. You know that.
When you when, when, when you earn coin, right?
Yeah. Here he goes.
When you earn that money that
you've got, there's things that you've got to spend that on.
You know, you've got to spend that on, say, your car.
You've got to hire more goblins. Yeah, I've got to, I've got to
keep the army of goblins happy. But you also have to starve them
down enough that they're hungry for it, you know, so that if you
think about it, though, you've got to spend money on, you know,
your house, your car, you know, all out food, all out.
If you're, if you're up in Stormont, you know, your car,
you're not necessarily having to pay for it.
Like, I mean, you're able to claim a lot of things on
expenses. You're, you're, you're already
getting a good wage. You've got a great pension set
up. Even though like I, I did a
story years ago about how they were the, the companies that
they, so everybody puts money in their pension pot installment
and at the time the companies, so they invest that money.
So it'd be like all us put money in their pot.
I take that money and invest it in these companies and then we
get a bigger return. So our pension pot is super
healthy all the time, but the companies they're investing it
in are all like literally the fucking worst companies on
earth. Extra vision.
Like just like like, you know, like conglomerates that are like
responsible for Amazon deforestation or like companies
that are human rights violations, like right and
southern or something. They're going right brilliant.
And then so they're already getting a good base rate.
And then the things that most people have to spend their wage
on, they don't have to. And even like getting food and
work is your like, when we go, like if we, if we're working,
like you don't get subsidised food.
Like, you know what I mean? You've like, they're getting
like rational quality food for a couple of pound and they still
can't talk to each other. I'm going, do you know how sound
I would be if I was getting free Curry all the time?
Think about, think about that. You're right, it's the ivory tar
thing. It's literally like whatever
happens as a result of their talks or lack of them, they're
not feeling it or seeing it. So what you need to do is get a
few people that are dying like, you know, like.
You get a few hungry goblins. You know, there's a you know,
there's the thing about there's an assumption sometimes towards
the term community worker, get all the get the good ones.
Some fell on a windbreaker bottle looks in his back pocket.
Get him up. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Because if I were to say a
windbreaker, if I were to say to you, oh, you tell me, you show
me one community worker that hasn't run the boat trying to
stop people, right? He's wearing a windbreak.
I was going to say show me, show me one community worker that
isn't in some kind of brand sponsorship deal with North
Face. No face make gear for if you're
going up Everest or if you're writing about the RC border.
So anybody seen my ricotta? I'm going out to throw a few
bulbs. I mean, yeah, community workers
dress. That is one of their.
Uniform. They were windbreakers.
They were tracksuit bottoms. But but.
Have shaved heads, but the none of them have fades get.
Get the ones that are like good good eggs.
Yeah. And just get them to let them
sort it. And no matter, I think
everybody's a wee bit responsible for it.
But I think like it's weird because sometimes, sometimes I
think we live in a bit of a bubble in the sense that like,
you know, look at, look at our group.
I mean, it's all all shapes and sizes, all different like
backgrounds in terms of where we're from and what sort of
bringing my heart and all that and identity or whatever soon
as. But one thing we all have in
common is we all, you know, like making strangers laugh.
Like so, yeah, you know, that that that unites us.
And we're kind of, I would say despite what I think some people
think of us, we're all fairly, you know, Sensi, Yeah, he's
like, and, you know. We've been senses.
Yeah, we're all trained in Japanese fighters.
I mean like sensible, like. No, like sensitive, like, you
know, I would say we're all fairly, you know, in tune with
ourselves that way. Like, I don't know.
Talk about censors on put butterfly kisses on like there
and I BLOB. Maybe that's what they need at
the pace line. It's just instead of water
cannons. Just fucking don't know how you
do please, I'm sorry, please disperse.
So do you know what they should do?
I really think they should investigate.
I remember watching like future weapons or something before and.
Well, did you never watch that show on Discovery?
It's fucking excellent. And there was a thing that we're
doing was a crowd dispersal thing.
Have you heard of the Brown Note?
No. Have you heard of the brown
note? So right, So like the the brown
note is like a frequency that's like a low like a like a low
hum. Yes, literally when apparently
if you hear it loud enough, it just it, it shit yourself.
Yeah, because it's the, it's the resonance of your sphincter,
right? So your sphincter just goes and
then you're covered in shit, right?
And so it's, it's, it's the, it's the world's most amazing
lock pick, right? By the way, the last five
minutes, every podcast we get that on and we fucking every
podcast gets shits themselves. And and on future weapons they
were investigating like given the Brown note, like
directionality, so. By the way, sounds like
something in Magalbury, given the brown note.
Slipping the brown note, It was, it was.
It's a thing where like they can, they can focus a ray of the
brown note onto you to make you shit like to make you shit
yourself. And I go no, no one wants to
ride. Like it's coming, like the
sides, I don't know, it's too much time in their hands.
The guys that made that, are you watching programmes about how
they? Keep sitting there going.
I could be writing something, but I'm dying to find out.
I could be could be fixing could be doing all that work for the
executive. Well if North Face bring out
nappies, that system. Fucked, but that was that was
the thing that they were investigating.
Like the GQ disperse riders by making them shit themselves
because like no no one cars no no one.
Waddling up to throw a petrol bomb.
Well, have you seen that video of the guy?
Oh, the guy went on a crotch. Looks like he's DLN.
He's he's throwing bricks like I mean.
There is something about that where I was like, I'm not that
I'm OK with that, but I'm like, you know, that's a get up.
Like at the minute, like we're all losing that fucking get up
and go attitude. He's.
Like our motivation is lower and like there hasn't been much
vitamin D. That's a guy who supplemented up
and went fuck. It he's yeah, he's he's off his
calorie supplements, he's had a second vaccine.
He's out fucking trying to break the system.
But you know what? Wind me up.
But that was like, I'm going, who's organising this that's
letting that guy out in the middle of that like, yeah, you
know what I mean? It doesn't.
It's not even. I don't know.
Maybe they should have like a. Regret being soft politics.
Soft play zone a soft a soft play for all for.
Old riders, yeah, like foam bricks.
And you want the place around there just like, you know,
hitting them with like foam clubs and going, that's all.
We're not performing at the minute.
We get actors, we get comedians to play like the police, or we
could play rioters on the other. Side I would I would definitely
be cast as an organiser. Yeah, I'm I'm not I'm not a
thrower. I'm a I'm a puppet master, a
faceless, A faceless power broker moving about my big map.
You know, I'll move, I'll move so many thousands of coin into
into this estate. 100% the reason he mentioned the rap
outside the McDonald's is because you have your eye on
bringing another business to that industrial estate that
you're speaking with Burger King and you're just on your map.
You just push. McDonald's out.
Just walk out of your studio later, it's done.
Yeah, the Sky Sports music comes along as I can get into the car.
Here, Do you know what's odd right right now?
Off to it's odd this day, as in today.
This day is the day that the Titanic sank.
Really shit 1912? 109 years ago.
Do you think anyone is like nowadays upset about that like.
I don't know, I know every time I watch the movie I get upset
about 3 times. I get upset every time I settle.
Couple on the bed, on the water, pouring in on the floor, all
shit. Like Billy Zane gets a, gets a
bad deal. He's fucking great.
Not to be sure. Yeah, and also it's like, OK,
he's a prick, but like he gets fucking.
I've got, I've got great. I all made.
I've got so much good Titanic trivia.
Do you want some? Yeah, I'll try and make it for
me, but it might just be more than.
That's fine, Yeah. Either way, that's still good,
yeah. Here's a couple of things.
See the priest that's on the boat saying the thing?
Yeah, true story. He's a real guy that was on the
boat because Cameron made Cameron's research is
outrageous, right? That's why he send you a
constable. He's a real guy who was on the
boat. He was going the America to says
to do his brothers when the Mario's but I was going to say
he's going the American Mario's brother but.
Temper. Film.
And so that's a true story. Another one is see the guy who
is with them on the back. You know when the boat's going
down and they're on the back thing and there's a guy
drinking. He's based on a guy who really
did go into the drink, into the water and survived because he
was just drunk enough. Like just like they said, if
he'd had more drink, he wouldn't have survived.
I mean, had less he wouldn't have been numb enough to the
fucking cold. So there's a guy there.
Another one is. By the way, he's definitely an
alcoholic now he's going just in case.
I know, oh, you never know when you're going to go into the
drink. And the, the, the WT Stead was a
famous journalist who sort of invented tabloid journalism and
he, he died on the Titanic. There was loads of like, famous
people. Really influential people that
were on that ship. Leonardo DiCaprio being.
They they, they wouldn't. They wouldn't let on.
What do you call him the the black boxer?
They wouldn't let him on it. Anthony, Josh, Jack, Jack
Johnson I think was his name, wouldn't let him on.
And obviously because he was black, they wouldn't let him
have a first class ticket because he was black.
Was he at the time like champ like?
Champion, world champion, it's like and it's like it wouldn't
let him on the boat. And then it's like IG, the
ultimate, the ultimate IG. If he was, if this was nowadays,
he would have so much merch based on that.
Wouldn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like pitchers of him like, you know, like onto the sea punching
a hole in the Titanic or something.
That's that's my thoughts go to immediately like.
He would 100% be brand ambassador for an iceberg
lattice. Company but there's another
another good one was yes mate this is this may be the best bit
of trivia I have on anything right would.
You could this be the best bit of Titanic trivia of all time.
I just think this is really interesting, right see the guy
you know in the movie he's you know, order.
I will have order here, you know, or I shoot you all like
slack and then he loads his gun light taller.
He so he was the real I think he was the second.
He was the second officer on on the ship and he survived the
type. This is mental.
His life story is mental. He survived the Titanic.
He survived another cruise liner that sunk.
He was then a captain of a submarine in World War One which
was responsible for like Iraq and a German convoy was accused
of like war crime shit like killing people that they should
probably rescue from the sea. Whatever lives through the 30s
becomes like a merchant, you know, ship guy and had his own
like, little boat and then took part in the fucking Dunkirk
evacuation, was one of the little boats that, like, went
here. Yeah, let's just get the Dunkirk
and pick up as many guys as we can and brought them back.
And I know his son died in World War Two.
He was a pilot. But like, just imagine that that
life trajectory of just like I survived the Titanic, went to
Dunkirk, whatever. Would not be like like after he
did all that. Would not be a bit annoying
being on a boat by chance with them and going.
So do you have any stories? Yeah.
Fucking six hours later you. Wouldn't even believe him.
You wouldn't even believe him. Well, it was on the Titanic
where you. Yeah, yeah, you go.
Right. OK.
And then you maybe believe that. And then, I mean, he would have
madder stories and Paddy McDonald.
Yeah, You know what I mean? You know what I mean.
You'd be sitting, going. No, you didn't.
If I. Was.
Like. The Titanic I would never have.
I would never be on a boat again.
No, neither would I definitely would have died.
I know I would have died because I'd have been when I'm stereo
dreams. I would have been when I am
Trump's that didn't even give me a life jacket and I'd just, I'd
have been one of those people going and like pushing other
people. You know what you would have
done, You would have as the boat kind of like hit the water when
it was up on its what is in. You would have jumped off at the
last minute and gone. It's all right, I'll just jump
into the water at the last minute.
You know, people like do that thing where they're like, if I
was on a lamppost and it was fell toward the ground, I just
wait till the last minute and then just.
Jump off it. I always meet.
Do you ever wonder if you're on a lift and the hoist snapped if
you jumped up at the right moment?
I wonder at every time I get into lift, I'm like, I'm always
waiting on here in the yeah. And then the, you know, the I'm
always waiting on it and, you know, sometimes to try to
preempt it. You ever play the game of going
like a long lift? No, you like burn something down
the left? You sort of want this to happen
to see if you could survive it. Yeah, but I would only, I would
only do it between like, you know, the shopping floor and the
ground floor in the castle court or something, you know, so I
might survive it anyway with like a couple of broken legs.
But no, like I always wonder would you be able like that's
one I'd love to see. I was in a left ones that got
stuck in the Canal Court Hotel in Yuri, right.
And the doors eventually opened, but it was like, you could see
this much, you know, you were your head was at ground level
and the doors were closed. And it was a guy in like
Birmingham on the customer support for the left.
And he was talking us through that.
He's like, yeah, we're going to get you sort of blah, blah,
blah. Sat there like me and my mate
Stevie for like, I don't know, half an hour and just like in
the Goodsburg. So I'm just sitting chatting
away. And then the guy been like
talking us through everything and then we didn't know he was
still on the line and after half an hour he just we're talking
all the shit of the day. After half an hour he goes, so
what's the crack today? Let's we were like, why are you
still here? Still just making small talk
with. This guy I get stuck in.
Do you remember the tar at Queens?
You know, the big, the big library used to be the big tar
block and we have like the like at the front, like if you're
looking at Queens, that's the landing building.
Yeah, on the left behind that there was the big tar block.
There was like 11 floors and like, oh mate, the stories of I
thought like so I was doing ancient history.
So like I was on what like 571011 were like the floors
where there was ancient history related shit.
A lot of time it was just on floor floor 1011 and may I get
stuck one day on the on the way down from from the 10th floor?
No chance I'm taking the steps like and I'm could stuck in it
with there was a Chinese student like a girl and there was there
was a guy. This is A1 liner.
There was a guy so the Chinese girl didn't like, she wouldn't
speak much English. She just, she literally was just
like, you know, like she didn't really say anything.
And I, I like in my mind's eye, I, I'm like, she said nothing,
do you know what I mean? But the guy was having a full
panic attack. And was he local?
Yeah. And we're stuck in it for like,
I mean, like 40 minutes, something like that.
And he was, he was freaking out hard for 20 of them.
And I was just sitting there going, Yeah.
And you couldn't, you couldn't text.
There was no signal. So I'm just sitting there going
this is dog shit and my dad was waiting to pick me up
downstairs. He wasn't pleased when I came
down 40 minutes late and hadn't been in touch.
I'm like. Well, no wonder the guy was
freaking out because you're probably going here.
Do you know that if there's dollars go down if we all just
shop at? The last minute, they'll be
sweet. That's like the other thing as
well as people who go if a plane's going to go down, just
push against the seat in front. You'll be all right.
No, no. Yeah, you fucking won't.
But Oh well, yes, I was. All all you'd be doing is giving
that person you know early onset curvature for about two seconds
before you all get burnt like Made I.
I spent so many years have. You ever taken a shit on a
plane? I haven't.
Yes, of pest. I don't like a toilet on planes.
The eye, but like the other option, is just sitting.
I held a shed in when I was going, when I was going to New
York. I held a shed in from about
Iceland. You know what I mean?
I was just like. The supermarket.
No, I held a shed from like, you know, oh, if you look at your
left, you'll see the lights are Rakovic.
And I'm like, why does that make me need to shit?
Must have been the way, he said. Reykjavik must have like just
cruised over the bride note. You were looking to slip a
bride. He's like, you just look at your
laugh, just see the lights of can I just fucking?
I was just like, oh man. Of course I've shit on the
plane. I haven't.
I mean, I find it difficult to shit in public places, you know?
Yeah, I wouldn't say like toilets.
I. Wouldn't say I enjoy it.
Seems like see the fountains in Castle Court.
Terrible place for a shit. Like why was I in those
fountains? Stealing people's wishes
collected. No, you have the goblins
underwater. Just walk through it with
magnets on my feet. Like why is why is your 50
little plastic things hanging at this phone?
You got all the goblin snorkelling gear.
Do you ever, do you ever go with the Whitehead?
You know, like I was out there. You've never been the Whitehead.
I mean, I'm sure of being in it or through it, but I've never
said to myself or anyone else we're going the way.
Well, I have I've only, I've only discovered that Brown's Bay
and Whitehead and all that even exist.
So only it's weird because I, I sort of know quite a lot of
places here that's so stupid. But like, I know the coast quite
well and. Why are you from 1712?
I discovered Moreland. I would.
I know the coast like the back of my head, Whitehead.
Far from this whole pit of it, only just discovered that it
existed. Journal.
I'm just picturing you in a boat heading towards it.
The goblins ruin half Half a Scandinavian woman's been found
in white hair, the other half in Scotland who investigates
twigglers. Goblins, right?
She appears to have drowned in navel juice.
What do you what do we think? Check her pockets.
Sarah was the one in The North Face jacket did the damage.
There's a 5 point no cut in half.
You're like. Anyway, this is some shit like
with pink with pink because my white head story shite it was
just related to the fighter without the Whitehead and
there's like a nice standard you can do from.
Not turning any less like a 1712 guy.
There's a nice walk by Whitehead.
Oh, it's just reminded me of some some related.
Exactly this. See a fucking advert?
See, if I say it again that the ship was called the Billy of T,
I'm going to fucking murder. I can't see that exact advert
though. See that I mean, it's not as
hipster in all the ways that I hit some guy sitting thumping a
butter tub in his living room going the ship was called the
Billy of Tea. I'm like you've you've never
pulled a rope your life. You can't winds me up anyway out
of wait head there's this Damner you can do from the harbour car
park out to the lighthouse and it's actually really nice.
But mate, the day we went out was like freezing rain, really
grim and I was like I was raging, you know, like I know
Dave, Dave mentioned something like this a while ago where as
Missus had I'm out on a walk and you're just like, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I was having all those feelings
right. And I'm wrapped up, mate.
I was wearing like I had, I had like my vest AT shirt.
I thought you were just going to leave it a vest A.
Hoodie, a hoodie, A flimsy I'm wearing I'm wearing a wee shiny
flame today. The the what they call it a.
Fuck it, what is that Under Armour?
No, it's just a wee flame. What?
Why you? It's just a wee flame.
I can't see it. Any I never wore T-shirts with a
vest on. I have like, OK, I have tits.
No, it's like I have I have like what was born some form of
girdle. No, it's I have a.
Girdles your assistant in the crime drama.
I know it's. That.
Girdle. That would be such a great name
for like the first mate, the first, the first golfer girdle.
Oh, I can't stop thinking about twinking festicates when the we
team are fucking God, it's a Shoal anyway.
Anyway, So what was that about? Yeah, I was.
I was. I have.
Like, this is rare. A rare statement, but it's true.
You know, like fabric sensitivities.
It's a serious crime drama. But the government rolling.
See what he said about the rolling?
Colonel, I make those things keep the stroke ship was called
the Billy of Tea. Oh anyway so I have these fabric
sensitivity so wear a vest anyway.
My lung. Just just give me a SEC.
Just give me a SEC. Give me.
A. SEC OK, OK, OK, I'm good.
I was open Whitehead. I'm wrapped up.
I have a hoodie on and then made.
I have I have a large camouflage army surplus jacket and I had a
hat. I was wearing my Cafe and yeah,
I made the story so shit because it's it will be with standard
out with that and you get out to the better like the rocky bit
around the bottom of the lighthouse.
There's a bit where then there's all this like new modern
concrete bit of the path that's like all built up like wee walls
and also safe. But then you can look into these
caves. I think I know exactly what
you're talking. About and there's a bit where
people have thrown money and they're like a wee bit and I'm
sitting there going how can I get to it?
No, there's like Guddle. What's that called?
This is called the something. Is it this path?
Oh, there's a name. Whitehead.
But it is the got the gobbins. That's exactly the gobbins.
Yeah. I like every time I see it, I
call it the gobbins's just right anyway.
But that is what's called the got the gobbins path.
And I'm. Goblets on the.
Gobbins goble the magnets right? And I see all these coins in
this wee bit. And Chloe, Chloe flicked the one
in. And she always wishes for the
same thing when she makes a wish, right?
Which is for happiness, right? I always wish for her happiness
when I make a wish, right? I don't know why I find that.
But she so she throws a coin in and lands perfectly.
She wishes for happiness and I went to throw one in wishing for
her happiness and missed it. So it was this whole thing about
like whether or not I cancelled her wish Anyway.
I was such a shite story compared to the banter.
I thought you were going to say she flicked the coin and you hit
her in the back of the head. Oh man, it's so funny.
Like you need to be. Frugal.
Toppings. Toppings.
Oh my God, unbelievable. I I laughed.
So did you hear the noise where I?
I laughed. I heard it.
It sounded like like your diaphragm.
I feel like I've been. Freed up, you know it.
Probably shifted like, you know, like an old bit of a Malwam bar
or something that's been in there.
Oh, very, very enjoyable. Thanks, by the way, for the
sunny payment. I mean, I've never.
So here's the thing. I was, I was frustrated last
week. I said I want to.
I want to make you feel as comfortable as possible.
That's why I came in with the gentle.
So last week I said can I get you a sparkling water?
And you said no thanks mate, I'll bring my own.
Perfect. I went to a cafe, I put in a
very specific dietary order. Now someone obviously working in
that cafe took a picture of the order that came through.
I saw that, sent it to come and get us, sent it into our
WhatsApp group. Now here's the thing.
What was picked up on the really weird bit of the order, which
was Caesar salad, but no croutons.
Yeah, was actually not for me, but for Dan over there.
Is there a reason for the no croutons?
Is it celiac? All right, OK, sorry.
Well, I didn't mean to pry. And go ahead, said he wants to
say it's it. They fucking put the croutons,
put the croutons in all the way through the salad.
Yeah. So here's the thing.
It's actually easier to make them without them because you
don't like. Sorry, you're not asking for
extra croutons. That gets sent into your
WhatsApp group that I was picking up food from a cafe and
by the way, I've already been back for like an hour or 45
minutes. You said do they do sparkling
water in the cafe? But I want I thought it.
Was in KFC. No.
OK, So what I was ordering was called Korean fried chicken.
Did you think I was? I was giving you shit.
No, not at all. Not at all.
Not in a serious way. I wasn't.
No, no, no.
I know you weren't right. Do.
You know what the joke was I was making?
No, right? Oh, the KFC wouldn't do
sparkling water. No, because Gavis posted it in
Yeah, so there was a time when me and him were out of
McDonald's drive through full circle and and I famously asked,
you know, I the guy goes drinks and I went to have any sparkling
and there was just the perfect amount of silence before no.
No, we did this rap, but I was sad that I couldn't.
I thought I wanted to provide you with a nice experience and
then I thought you then wanted to pour water and I couldn't
then go and get you. So I was delighted to see your
reaction when you came into the room and said like a 7 year old,
you went, that's the best one. It is the best one.
It's the best sparkle. Listen, sorry, I had no point.
I didn't. There's no apology needed.
I didn't even make our connection because I apology.
No, there's no apology needed, right, Sir?
All we need. There's no apology needed.
I don't accept. I don't accept.
But the main thing is I was happy that it made you happy.
It does so I wished. For your happiness.
And it came true when you saw that ball I.
Call it Sally P because it reminds me of Somebody Delight
and it's not as nice as only delight, but.
Sunny P sounds like a guy who would be close with two solid
crew but not in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, oxy support, oxide neutrino on tour.
Sunny P Big up yourself. Yeah EE sorry this is so shit.
I was going to say he's he tells the sound check for Shanks and
Bigfoot. So shit, it's the same joke you
made a lesser version of. Does he work for the crew on the
production side of things? And he also raps, but he just
does their work. He's in the so solid crew crew.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in so solid crews, crew.
He works with Shanks in Bigfoot on the production side of
things. But when they say they go to,
you can do the sound check easy into it, a bit too much. 1-2
Yeah, yeah, You know, like he's trying to show.
Off you know when I hit do you ever go to see like an actual
rock band gigging and when they're looking at me when
they're when their crew when their crew right done sound
check when you get a moment where you know that crew have
their own band. Right they'll.
Play being 100% serious, but they're being 100% look like
fucking misnomer yeah yeah, but what?
But their plan was like a I don't really give a fuck.
I'd say I don't give a fuck attitude, but the plan is I
absolutely give all the fox. They're literally playing, by
the way, that's my international symbol for I can play the
guitar, look for. I thought that's your
international symbol for Beckham and the goblins.
Yeah. Come to me.
Godel, Godel fetch the others fetch my Ledger.
We have an expedition to go on. We will discover a new land.
Don't Gannon girl stands on your shoulder and all the rest of my
I. Do think that all the goblins
are from the goblins and like when I go there I'm going to
pick a new one to replace the one I've just killed.
They're growing, they're growing your new ones and soil under the
rocks and you just walk away called good, good.
Good. That's that's where, that's
where I'm going to replace the one that I just kicked into the
fire for losing me some interest.
Yeah. I mean, I mean great.
I mean great. The court.
Long live the coin. Absolutely here.
What was the what's your favourite song from that?
Sort of. What do you class that as are?
You saying chunks and Bigfoot? It's sweet like chocolate era.
Yeah, I know what mine is. Mine is Lady by Mojo.
Great. I love that.
See. Happy.
See the bass in the background. I've got one for you.
Artful Dodger and create and and
Robbie Craig Women trouble. Woman trouble.
Be a fantastic, bombastic, ecstatic leads down it.
How a girl can really lose her. Oh, do you know what this is?
I'm like that roadie because I know you can play music and sing
and I'm like trying to act like I'm not really singing there,
but I'm singing aw. Man, I love it.
That's. Stuart Smith, me and Mike over
there when we were like 16, we were in tech.
There was a guy in our class and then his mate who were actually
from Carrick and they were really big into rap music.
And I just remembered this the other day, right?
This is MSN Messenger era race. I wasn't allowed to go ahead.
And they and they. It wasn't that he.
Used to register in the register, right?
Yeah. They were like, oh we're writing
all these freestyles and all and they said they were like a bit
of a two man crew. Me and him were a bit of a two
man crew. They said we should do like
we'll do a freestyle and used to 1 back.
I don't know if you remember this, but what happened was, and
this is so savage, but didn't mean to be nothing back to it.
They wrote like a track and they were like use write 1/2 and
we'll see who can like write the better track.
All fun and games made him write one that was like out of Viet
Mile. Like it was horrendously like
offensive to them and like really personal attack because I
thought that's what they were doing.
We played them on. A desk track for them?
Yep. Right.
OK. We sent it to them on MSN
Messenger and I genuinely. Would you do just send them the
lyrics? No, no, no.
We record fucking recorded it with Avicii over there.
Do you? Still have the recording.
There's no way it would. Yeah, we thought we were doing
like Jack. We were trying to be Jackass for
a while, and he asked me to punch him in the eyebrow and
nearly broke his head. But but they were called THC and
I don't even know what that stands for with hindsight.
But I remembered the other day that I still know the words.
THC is like the chemical compound and.
I don't even think they were that smart to make it a double
meaning. I think it was like something
Carrick. You know what I mean?
This there's somethings on the Carrick, but our rap when TTHC
don't want it with me. And by the way, I'm mostly doing
a bad American accent when I was doing it.
THC don't want it don't want it with me.
THC just want to get with me now 2 lines in and I'm already going
down that route. And then some of the lyrics were
like 1 sounds like and it's not good.
But the back of me was class. I was like 1 sounds like Bruce
Lee. The other one like Julian from
UTV. No, doesn't make a lot of sense.
And and one of them was short. Remember the other guy?
And I was like, yeah. And yeah, they were called Matt.
Their rap names were Maddie Being Suspect.
And one of the some of those were Maddie being suspect.
But they get their nuts wrecked. So I'm like Pop chopping off
their balls. That's good.
And it was, fuck, it was really good.
It was tight. It's a good castration.
Then they played theirs and it was like chilling with our mates
and then shouting our names out. So it was like they had not done
a diss at all. If anything, if anything, it was
like a track about. Friendship with this they've
they've. And I'm like, I'm going to cut
your balls off. You're gay, you know so.
Just the four of us and you're like, you're like fully hitting
on them as hard as you can. One sounds like Bruce Lee, the
other like Julie Tell. You what, Mitt?
I'm always interested in in rap. I wish you'd find that.
I'm always interested in rap from here.
I hate when people don't do it in a comedy way.
I hate when they're being 100% serious.
Yeah. It's like you ever see when you
see somebody dancing and they're taking it seriously.
I'm like, I can't, I can't cope with you.
You know what I mean? Like you know someone?
'S serious. Dancing.
Somebody's dancing. They're just like up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like body popping or enjoy.
Yourself, do you know what was on the radio on the way down?
I don't know. If Lone Star.
No run DMC versus Jason. That's.
The way it is. I love it.
Shouted to Dave Elliot who thought the lyrics were Run DMC
and that bastard Dave Run DMC and that bested Dave.
Yeah, that's a great jam. Master Jazz Let's.
Leave it on. We started off by talking about
two Like a song that make you cry.
Do we have one more each? Is there anything?
I think we start off by talking about Switzerland, but Oh yeah,
sorry, I do kind of give you a wee Swiss story briefly.
I I I got stuck in Switzerland waiting on a flight.
So I like the start of a Lone Star song.
I got I got stuck. Thought about you all day and
night. Still gets Switzerland waiting
on a flight. I don't understand the money.
Their money was woeful anyway, like the Burger King that I had
in the airport on the way out of it.
I had no money by the way, when I got there and I was staying,
I'd booked a wee like a wee hotel near the airport.
But my dream was to open a Swiss bank account.
I had one day to do it right. I really wanted just so I could
say it's in the Swiss account as a joke.
But I wanted to get, you know, one of the ones that has like a
safety deposit box. And I was, I swore to God my
plan before I went to Kosovo was leave a bottle of drink from
Kosovo and a clean pair of monks and a clean pair of socks in
this deposit box. And then if I'm ever back in
Switzerland, I'll claim it, right?
But you needed like, you needed like money to open the account,
OK. And I spent.
Like Ballpark? It was like £100 and it was like
a minimum you need to have like whatever.
It was, and you would have been prepared to spend it, but you
didn't have it on you. Yeah, I didn't have it at all.
So I spent all my money taking a taxi to the bank and getting
back to the hotel. Devastating.
And I barely had enough. You can't, you know, like you
shouldn't drink the water out of the top.
So I was like, I barely had enough for like, a bottle of
water that to get me through that day.
And if you know me, mate, I'm a hydrator, so I hydrate a lot.
And I, yeah, fuck me out. Anyway, I get stuck in this
hotel and then the next day it was like £18 or something from a
fucking a Burger King and that was like the last money, the
last coin coin had on earth. And then when I got home, I
swear I found a fibre and the pair of jeans in my bedroom.
I remember just going like what that could and I've never looked
back. I've turned that fibre into the
twink millions What I'm songs that make me cry.
Part 2. I'll go.
One and then you finish the podcast.
You're giving us one mine, Eric Clapton.
Wonderful tonight or tears in heaven?
Tears and have met. About his son who fucking died
in a tragic. Accident fell out of a window.
Yeah, that's horrific. Horrific.
I wonder. I think maybe John Martin again.
John speaks to me on a on a personal level.
Like what? I'm trying to think of another
one that gets me. Go for it.
Go. Go and this is niche.
I don't know if you've even heard this.
The Old Man by Phil Coulter. No.
It's such a you know, he might as well literally come on and
go, my dad is fucking the dog because it's about as that bad.
Like it's it's this whole bit about like it finishes with and
going God, I miss him, the old man.
And you're like, but I want to, I want to give you a better one
that that you've definitely heard.
You'd love years and years. I do love it's probably years
and years. It's not weird that I How do you
know what I love? Have we talked you?
Just announced it one day. Mid I it's I've.
Been sobbling inside and you just grabbed me by the scruff
when you went. I need to tell you something.
I want to put your head against mine and put your lip in your.
I love her years and years. I do love him it I I see well
see well produced pop music with Yeah, I'm all in George Michael
fucking Kylie Minogue. I'm admitting probably to too
much here. Like see those bass signs?
You can't beat them anyway. Rich bass.
Someone makes me weepy though. Sting.
There's a couple of Sting songs every time.
Why should I cry for you? By Sting?
No. Any.
Anybody. I haven't heard.
It but it sounds weirdly nautical, which kind of makes me
feel like I'm on that. We voted by the goblins.
But it's because he's singing about, it's about his dad wanted
him. His dad wanted him to just be in
the merchant sort of shipping business and wanted him to be a
sailor. And he never wanted that.
And it was a source of conflict between them.
And the song is like, he's singing about like how I don't
want to just be out in the middle of the sea hauling on
these ropes. And when his dad dies, he's
like, I don't know why I'm crying for you, but I don't know
why because never really got on that well.
Yeah, and I'm worth like 50 million.
Yeah, and you don't even. Piece of shit.
Made sting shits 50 million sting.
Do you know what I love about Sting?
I, I, I aspire to be that he's rich.
I aspire to be that much of like because I I know he's a wanker
like, but I love it, you know, like you go, you look at Van
Morrison, you go wanker and you don't want to be missed with
them staying. I'm like wanker.
Make us a cup of tea. Yeah, yeah, Rather let me make
you a cup. Yeah, I love that.
You're like, we could be amazed. I'd let you make me a cup.
I know, Yeah. And I don't even drink tea.
Do you know what I mean? That's.
I know. It's true.
Sick, by the way. Yeah, sorry.
I know we need to finish, but talk to me about the ball wipes
because I'm. I'm actually.
Well, it's a little bit like wrong ceiling.
That way it does exactly what it's it.
Wipes the ball but like. Do you want to take them?
Home. No, I just want.
I just want to know I'm I'm. We fresh, we freshen up.
But is it like a, is it like a baby wipe type thing?
Or is it like a well, obviously it's for a man's balls, but
like, yeah, is it for? Freshen it up.
Yeah, I'm going to give you them.
Take them home. Bag wipes.
Take them home, Yeah. I'll try them.
Bag Wipes is another Goblins. We'll see you next week Kieran.
Appreciate you coming on as always, love having you here.
There was a lot of fun. I've collapsed along, so I'm
going to A&E pedron.com/two with Me podcast.
You want that sweet extra content and we will see you
later. Cheers.