I'm Michael. Che and I'm Colin Jose, and
we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little. Like our hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock, exactly how it's called
New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features
drop in comic. Boom, you nail.
Into Michael Che's phone. Nervous.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey. New York After Dark.
It's some kind of comedy thing and it's streaming now.
Only on Peacock. You love it. 123 Good afternoon.
See the West link. That is the horniest thing I've
ever heard about Meredith. There's some of those chicken
waffles. Mr. Porter, I feel gosh, this is
unbelievable. It's absolute chaos.
Sippers, welcome to this episode of the Tea with Me podcast.
With me you're we meet she and Todd.
Before we get into this episode, I need to plug a few things.
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We're also sponsored by None of the Manscaped, Manscaped on the
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You know it, you love it. They've been supporting us from
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this week? And I loved the handyman.
The handyman. Always great when you get a
handyman, you know, to do a job for you in the house.
And this handyman's doing a job on my chiselled face.
It's a face trimmer. That down would you say goes
right to the bone, not right to the bone, right to the skin,
right to the skin. It goes right to the skin.
Debbie. OK, so this day, I mean look at
this guy. If this guy got his hands on a
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It takes it right to the right to the wire and I love it.
I genuinely just got it as part of manscapes new pack.
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Go to manscape.com. Music called Tea with me for 20%
off and free shipping. I can't hold them back any
longer. Ladies and gentlemen, my guest
this week is a hairy face man. Yeah, and it's coming up to the
festive season. But this man's beard is black.
Brian, I always. Brimsy.
What colour would you say your beard is dark?
Brown. But it's black.
No, it's dark, dark brown because science, the race of
people, Caucasians cannot have black hair.
Yeah, Italians. Yeah, no, there's dark, dark,
dark. They're not.
They're black hair. No.
Yeah. Dark brown.
Maybe. It's product science.
And my guest this week is none other than Dave Elliott.
Welcome. No, I welcome you.
Yeah, well, I'm welcome to be here.
I'm welcoming myself. No, you're welcome.
What do you sorry? What do you mean?
You're welcome to be here. I'm just, yeah, I'm just, you're
said, feeling welcomed. Yeah, yeah.
Welcome. I am feeling welcomed, yes, I'm
a wee bit discombobulated there and startled by some goings on.
So I'm feeling welcome. Yes, I feel welcome.
I feel good.
I wanted to. I did some manscaping today.
Did you right? Yeah, We bet.
I used. Them on yourself.
Yeah, I use the manscape for my old bonds as well.
And then I thought, you know, I found that we clipped to go in
the end, so I did downstairs as well.
We tidy up because I don't want down there to be like this,
because I don't want to run the risk of people mistaking me for
a child. Yeah.
So if they see down here and there's no pubes, I don't want
to be like, that's a kid, so I like to keep.
It but why would they be seeing that?
It's 2023. Man, I don't know, have you ever
like? Be mistaken genitalia Lily wise
for a child? I don't know, not yet, but
hopefully. Genitalia.
Lily wise, yeah. Do you genitalia wise you play
Real Madrid? Do you ever have you ever
accidentally exposed yourself? Well, not accidentally, fully on
purpose. What do you figure that one?
Yeah. Do you ever do you ever be like
out and then you need to you need to piss and then your kids
are like in the toilet with you and then they'll go to like mess
about with the door and Costa. That's my biggest fear, you
know, But if you had that. Not so much with the kids.
It's your wife. There's been no another time
where I don't know what I was doing.
I was having a really stressful day and work and I went to the
toilet. I was sitting down the bog and I
just whatever way it was, I just wasn't I wasn't sitting
comfortable. Moy Willy wasn't in the bowl
right. So I just, I did my pee at the
start and just set my Willy on top of the thing and I was just
laying back on trying to poo and I hadn't and I got into the
disabled toilet and you know, I sorry toilets.
Don't be that after. They don't really have good like
handles the like it's hard to work.
It's not a strip, you know, because it's hard.
So I was like, it was laying back in the toilet and hadn't
closed the door right and my boss just walked in and like,
he's going to go to himself. What?
What's he doing because? And you were kind of The thing
is. Head back, Willie, just sitting
out, Yeah. The fact that it was sitting
out, it looks like it looks like you're you're sort of like
presenting as like a like like Salt Bay would.
Maybe when you go into a restaurant, he maybe present you
the cut of meat that you're going.
To get. I can't explain to him why.
Yeah. Because it it makes still makes
no sense and sounds like a. Lie not no.
Well, he's not comfy. Just wasn't comfy and but it was
the why the head was back. I'm like, can I say fall?
Asleep. That is the you mentioned there
the most disgusting thing, which is your Jimmy touching the seat.
Yeah, in a in like. A No, not a seat because.
I don't use the seat. Just the rim.
I got more Jimmy caught under the seat when I was a kid.
I'm traumatised. No, it doesn't matter if it
touches anything. I always give a big wipe down
first. I'm very important.
You will. Yeah, yeah.
Dave doesn't use a seat, No. What do you mean you don't use a
seat? This right when I was younger,
right? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry. Yeah.
I felt sorry through this before.
You don't know this. If I knew what I think, you're
telling me we wouldn't be best friends, right?
OK. Are you telling me you're stink?
You're stinking? Are you telling me you don't use
the the toilet seat? Yeah.
You lift that up and you. Just sit.
I remit. Yeah, I remit.
What's wrong with that? You're stinking, but hold on.
That's, that's that. I swear I could be saying I've
watched it. Have you done that in this
building? Every building I always do it
and then sometimes they don't even rim.
I just squat. I just hover a board if it's a
dirty rim. I could the squat.
All the bombs. All the bombs touch the seats.
The bombs don't touch the rims. Everyone, everyone knows pisses
on. Everyone's pisses everywhere.
It's in the toilet. The toilets are cauldron of
pissing shite. It's splashing everywhere.
There's germs everywhere. We're always getting, we're
touching bombs, we're touching Dicks, we're in the toilets.
That's what's going on. But then you put, you put your.
Thing it was sore mate. On the I.
Was uncomfortable. I didn't want it right.
What's worse, I didn't want the top my Willy touching underneath
the rim. That's even worse thinking so.
No, that's it. That's that could be the
cleanest part of the toilet. But it might not be, and nobody
knows. There's not be enough.
So you said on that, you said on the cold rim.
Yes, I do, I said. Because.
Because whenever I was little, right?
You're not on note. Yes, Steven.
No. Even whenever I was a little bit
younger, and I say a little bit younger, I was, I was a child.
I got my wee bum caught on. You know the wee things that
used to put in the toilet to refresh them.
There was like the way you hooked.
It on your bum caught? So my bum had it and it was sore
and I sort of like moved on and I knit my Willy between the seat
and the rim and that was one of the sore things that ever
happened. So I was like never again will I
use a seat and risk cut my Willy off.
So I. Think you got to you got to you
got to evaluate your life because.
I won't get murdered in the comments here, and I don't.
Think anything wrong? I I won't sit on a unfamiliar
toilet. See, that's not the one of my
house. Yeah, but you also.
I'll put tissue. I'll put tissue the whole way
around it multiple times. But you will, you will eat out a
raw chicken. So I mean, you can't be here
talking to me about germs and you'll get stuck in there.
You'll be salmonella, not out like.
And whereas I'm not licking nothing, I'm just my bare Willy.
And then I'll wash my hands. I'm a Willy after every good
time I go to the door. You don't wash your Willy, Yeah?
I will do wash my Willy. Yeah, but not every time you go
to the toilet. No, because then I'll be another
fucking box of frogs for me to deal with.
I so upset. Although I don't use the toilet
seat here. I'm sorry.
You know I'm not a pervert. Could you tell me this?
You could you wash your Willy in a sink with hot water and soap
and not at least get a semi like you're rubbing it like this?
You're it would be right. Well, here we go.
That's Patreon explosive, right? This is what?
Is it about doing that that would make you go?
I just think if you know, if you just rubbed it with a bit of
soap, start getting to bring your own.
You need to bring a wee foot still because there's no way
might be short legs would be able to reach.
Oh, you're sure, Willie? Why are you the horniest guy in
the world? How did you touch it?
No. But there's a difference if I'm
just touching it like if I go. Boy, boy, how long are you going
to take the wash it? The wash it.
I don't know, but if you roll it like that.
Why you roll it like? To get cleaned to get what we
watch. Oh, and it's easier to manoeuvre
when it's going to leave. But of torture this about it you
get underneath and clean when it's.
So your technique and I don't mean to see podcast, not
especially mine. I've been reflective.
Yeah, immature. You're telling me to clean your
penis. You're like a guy.
Make it like a like with flesh and fire and the fire.
Yeah. And the fire is it.
No, no, And I'm not. This is not how I generally do
wash my penis. But if I was watching it in a
public bathroom, that's what I have to do.
Yeah. Cannot look weird because any
other way you do it, it looks like you're trying to hide
something. Yeah.
You know where you all get there, like, right, bro?
You know, at least the guy, he's like, Oh no, he's obviously
touched the rim with. I could see the way you live
your life. I could see you like nailing me.
I could see. I could see you kneeling down
out of your rhino to clean it. I could see you with my what?
I could see you met with my mouth.
The way you approach bathrooms, I could see you taking one knee
down beside your rhino and then like the through you, I could
see you may as well. The way the way you you sit with
your seat on the rim and touch your Willy in the room.
I could see you just being like I may as well just like use this
and like you get the way yellow soap.
Yeah, the way yellow things and rub their yeah, rub them.
I may as well. That's what.
You do Fucking ridiculous. What I use here.
I don't want to do is turn around, talk with it between my
legs. Oh man, do you ever be in like
public toilets and sometimes think as like a man there by
himself? Do you think you could give out
like code by mistake? What do?
You mean? I'm at the toilets don't have a
new street in Hollywood. The last time I used them, say
like a year ago, I walked in and I was whistled.
And then I thought, what if that is like?
Four guys like a village. People are sitting there, all
right? We've answered the call like,
you know, and the Power Rangers, they all gather the Power Bottom
Rangers. That was that was a genuine
thought of mine. I was whistling on my way in and
I thought, is this like a well known code to attract attention?
Then I stopped whistling and then I went, is that a cool?
Do not do not whistle. Is that because I think down?
In dog in circles is not where like you put the lights on and
then you break and you turn them off and on and that's how you
give people signals. So I don't know whether you
whistle and stop and yeah, anyone that's in the like this
CD world of public toilet sacks, let us know.
But I had a weird. Toilet.
George Michael. The King's dead.
Pardon. The king of its dead.
George. George.
Yeah. There was nothing for.
You know me and you love George Michael.
Yeah, right. We have, like, it's one of our
bones. We just love the music of George
Michael and the attitude of George Michael.
Yes. And whenever he got called in
public toilets in London and, like, Hyde Park, wherever he
clap and come, probably he, you know, a lot of pop stars
probably would have used their PR team to sort of like, you
know, put out a statement and deny it and all that sort of
thing. George brought out the song
outside. Yeah, let's go outside in the
sunshine and really released a song about having full gay sex
in public toilets. Yeah, but that was also so sly
as well, because there wasn't a dude doing it to talk target on
him. It was.
And this is how I find the weirdest thing, a policeman
pretend them, you know, to catch undercover thing.
Yeah, so it wasn't sting. I could be libellous.
Me whistle walking into public toilet saying that.
Will you remember? Yes.
I'll never forget this thing. Ever.
But So what do you mean? So there was there was an
undercover place, man to catch man.
How far do you go as an undercover cop?
Like, how far do you go? Like, because you're not walking
in Saint George, washing himself in the sink.
There must be a point where he's like, you know, actually, does
he take it out and cuff it? Like, what does he?
Yeah, because there has to be a point when he's engaging in
something. Or as a policeman, do you have
to do like, you know, the way like a policeman might if you're
underage or something you've been drinking, let me smell your
breath or something, you know? Does he does he do something
like that or will he? Like a cigar?
Or will he? Big No.
I swear I just touched it underneath the rim.
It wasn't. It wasn't.
That's why it smells like that. I'm sorry, have you been rimming
tonight? Yes, but not like that.
Not the weird, just I put my deck on the rim of the toilet
because I don't use the seat. That's even weirder than.
Yeah, imagine. Imagine you were like, my dad
was pleased he was undercover for 20 years or what?
Like in a narcos gang? Nah, just in public toilets.
But then do you ever read the stories that appear about
undercover cops who just have like, full affairs and kids and
all he's like, well, it's committed to the bit.
We mean Daniel Day now for the PS NI.
Yeah, it's totally. Being a policeman would be wild.
Yeah, it'd be stressful. I would like it.
Now, to be fair, that one would be good.
I wouldn't. I wouldn't.
Do you think you're good at lying on the spot if you have
to? Like, do you think you would be
a you would be a good undercover policeman?
No, I would sweat and all get nervous.
That is a big tale of yours, isn't it?
Yeah, You're the reverse Prince Andrew.
And Prince Albert and Catherine was sending me that I lied there
about something about, yeah, eating ice cream.
That's what I've done. I'd eaten the last day ice
cream, and she'd be like, you eat all that ice cream.
And I was like, no. And then the first thing was
headed. She's like, wherever you're
heading, go get it. All right, Choose.
You're lying, aren't you? Yeah.
I just.
I can't hold a lie. I just gave.
And she's. I hate that you lied to me
there. And I said, how did you know?
You said because there was ice cream.
No, there's not. Yeah.
You're not looking at my eyes. You're sweating everywhere.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry. So yeah, I don't.
I don't think I'd be good at that.
I thought. I get so nervous and I try to
warn people. Here, right go wrong.
I'd add too much to the lie. Yes, you know what I mean.
Yes, I do. There'd be no need.
I do. There would be no need for me
to, you know, they'd just be like, you know, you knock and I
could just go. No, I would out wait.
I'd be like, I can't be because I am.
I'm. I couldn't be because, you know,
I'm here. Let me tell you this one.
Yeah, I go. I can fly.
I don't know it would be fun. It'd be hell of a rush, But do
you think that say you infiltrated a drugs gang, say
you were a cop and you infiltrated a drugs gang and
your job is to be one of them and be mates with them.
Do you think if you were there for years, you'd actually become
mates with them? Yes, and you and then you would
you feel so sly when you betray them because it wouldn't be like
haha, I got you when you call, you know same team sex and you'd
be like I got you and then the guy be like.
Yeah, well, if you don't Thought we were made.
Yeah, yeah, you're my actual husband now.
I. Wonder how many of these guys
just actually go in on? I have to, you know what I mean?
No, but I mean, I mean like say to the guys.
Yeah, then you'd be tempted sometimes when you if you
really. But yeah, that's why you
wouldn't go into it like as I always think like I am into
like, reading like the troubles books and forming things and
stuff like that. Cases like I'd always love to
read about that in the papers. But then I think how nervous you
be all the time for everyone because you don't know who you
could ever trust. Because then like if your
handler was just like, yeah, I've got all the information we
need, you can just out you. And then if anyone finds stuff
out. Yeah.
So funny. Yeah.
Oh, we'll hear about him. Oh no, he's not an informant.
Worse. Oh dear, it'd be terrible.
Beef knife. What would make?
Sense. What do you think, Say, when you
were younger and you wanted to, what did you want to be, you
know? One or two things, yeah. 1 was
an astronaut and two was a lollipop man, so.
I feel like 1 is more achievable than.
Yeah, I felt like if if I didn't get to be in NASA, I could just
be outside. I love the other way around.
You're like if I if I don't make it, it's a lollipop man like to
go to space. But then I had a real moment
where I realised my dream of being an astronaut would never
be. I was at a fair and I was
getting in a ride. The guy was trying to put the
thing down on me and I was like, and he was kept on going.
I'm like, this isn't going to click.
And he was really getting angry. I was like, oh, you know, don't
mean to do it. And he was like, no, no, no, I
will do, I will do. I said, OK, he's pushing down.
There's not right now. I was like, oh, I'm just too
like, I don't know, I guess. And he went.
Son of a bitch. What did they do?
Bungee Cordia. No, I just didn't go in there as
an embarrassing having to get off and walk past everyone if
queued to get on. Did I ever tell you about my
brush with the light pop man? No.
Oh yes. Last day of P7 and maybe told
this on a Paul before last FP7 with a loud pop man called
Walter who's brilliant as Lloyd Pop man going to say I don't
know how you could be a bad lollipop man but probably
causing an accident where a little kids get run over.
I mean, but what if you're the banter lollipop man and you
pretend it's all I think? It's all good.
Whenever Moses was like here. Romans Mon Walter Walter was the
Moses of our primary school and the upper Newton order was a Red
Sea. Yeah, this guy was brilliant.
Everybody loved them. And on my last day of P7 so
everybody used to high 5 his lollipop stick.
And you did jump up to do it. Excuse me, he's like here, my
lollipop sticks and my trousers and a boys get.
A real handle on it. So what you would do is you'd
jump up because the lollipop stick was probably at his head
level. She jumped up and gave it a high
5. Everyone loved to do it.
Walter loved it. On my last day of P7 I got
carried away giddy would had a party bring your own suites.
I was E numbered up so I walk out.
On the. I was like, this is brilliant.
No last day of school. So many emotions, you know what
I mean? Last day of school and instead
of jumping up for a final high 5 and Walter lollipop stick, I
jumped up and headed it like you're heading the football.
Just a wee silly boy. And I was like, ah, and give it.
And I was like, that's such a cool way to go out In my head I
was like, I'm going to legend. No long lasting friendships from
school, but I'm going to legend here.
And I was walking the Medal's car maybe like half a mile up
this road and all these like girls were like looking at me
and like sort of like shocked and like some of them were like
screaming and stuff and pointing at me.
And I was like, God, they're taken really badly that I'm
leaving primary school. I was like, guys, I'll call,
I'll call. And I walked for a cab walk and
everyone was the me and stuff. And I was like, the fuck, like,
what's all this about? Got up to Medal's car and my dad
goes, what happened? I said, what do you mean?
He's like, look at yourself. I looked full like, you know,
remember the poster we used to have up Christian Bale and
American Psycho when the blood splatters all over his face.
It was metal screws and Walters lollipop stick to keep the
lollipop on the stick. I fully headed that, but it was
so like adrenaline rush the last day of primary school that like
blood was just oozing from my head.
So all these girls leaving school like talking about I'll
still ring you and all just walk out and just see me full blood
coming down my face. All right, girls, you know.
What see to the kids that would be hard to see but the most
people seeing a fella walking down a new North Road of blood.
It's kind of a normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But one thing you mentioned there that don't think spoken
enough about what makes you a weird person.
And you can tell from a young age.
See if you call back the primary school and you've left.
Weird. I did it once and felt weird
about it because. You were 17.
I'm Naked. I felt weird about it because
people in my secondary school were like, we're calling back.
So I went with them and when I went in I realised that like, I
don't need to be here. I went back to Miss Thompson's
P5 class and I wrapped the door and all and she's like, oh, and
she didn't remember my name. She's like, oh, there he is.
And I said. She and she's like, yes, yes,
yes, then she can remember. And then she was like, So what
do you do? And I, I remember just every
because I thought in my head, walking back to primary school,
I was like, I'm going to walk in in my big school uniform, the
blazer on and all, and all these P fives.
All these kids are going to be like, fuck me, he's here and all
and, you know, wanting mentorship and guidance and all
that kind of stuff. And I was 11 and I was like, oh,
I just thought I'd say hello. And she's like, yes.
Cheers for that, Yeah. See you later.
And I was like, all right, kids stay out.
But. It's so weird too because then
he's like, what are you at now? You're like, well, fucking still
school. Same thing, yeah, just different
building. Yeah, still school, like I'm
still a kid, you know? Not different.
You sit in the desk, you're a kids.
Life's a funny old game, all right?
I'm looking at a lot of you thinking you'll never get to
where I am. But any year, quite.
Literally will you? Will you'll be here?
What did you prefer, primary school or big school?
Big school like big school was great.
Enjoy primary school. I prefer primary school, but I
prefer. Big school like, but then at big
school, that's where you separate the wheat from the
chief. Like and I was not, I wanted to
be a lollipop manager, so I was not the chief and.
State no, I was weak. Yeah, weak.
Weak I. Can't have weight, but I, I, I
don't know. I looking back on it, I just had
a good time at school. There's nothing really I got
career wise out of it other than.
I think I just loved primary. I went to Strand Town Primary
School and I loved it. I thought primary school was
great. But strand time, yeah, I think
you're a Hollywood guy. I am, but I went to Strand town.
Primary E Belfast. What's that?
You go? Sullivan Secondary School.
Yeah, didn't get in. What's good you take Campbell E
Belfast too? I'm probably Primary and
Sullivan. You've denounced all your own
thing. That's my original birthplace.
It's my birth time. My hometown's Bangor.
I'll tell you this, I. You got really like aggressive
and I go fucking talk. I don't like being I don't like
it when anyone questions my hometown.
OK, cool. And I'll say this that's.
Just where you lay your heart and or in your heart.
You don't have to live here of anything.
Where you lay your heart in your heart.
Yep, banger. Where I lay my heart in my
heart. But you know, at least you know
you have to have some connection.
But in your heart, if you believe you're from somewhere,
do your thing like this is hey fuck, we are done.
This is my time. This is my time.
That's fair. Yeah.
New business sets up. Come and tell me.
I don't pay you. Speak to me.
Yeah, yeah. I would love it if you were.
Taken. If I was extorting business, I'd
be so great and I didn't really realise I was doing and I'm
like, no, it's just if they want to open up here, they have to
come and see me and I make it OK, and they just pay me every
month. That would be fair.
There's apparently something that's come out where it's like
there's a study done that says homework is not beneficial to
anyone. Yeah, I read homework is the
slice thing. So do you ever see?
Obviously we love to send each other memes.
I've one saved it. You'll tell A10 love for later.
But there's one I read yesterday and it made me laugh a lot.
It was like, you know, welfare, like freaking out in something.
And it was like whenever the teacher contacts you and says
your kids got learning difficulties until you did the
homework, It's like, I don't know, I need to talk about your
kids. I.
Remember my dad? We were learning multiplication
right. Easy for you to say.
And that multiplying and that my dad was trying to describe it to
me without himself. No one hard to describe it.
Yeah. And he got like, do you ever did
you ever at home have and don't go?
No, because my family have money.
Did you ever have a box of shrapnel like one piece 2 piece
5? And yes, like that Tupperware
nearly like without the lid just full of yes, yes, absolutely.
Do people have that anymore? No, surely not.
Remember and you'd find the old twenty payment, right.
So we had we had a big ours was a.
Biscuit, you know, Slide. My parents made me do that.
That was my holiday money. So they go.
You have to take out the bank like a wee Dick, you know, going
in with a Fox's biscuit 10 into the northern bank in High St No,
there you go, that's some holiday money.
I'm good. 12 have a good holiday bro by our Arsenal kit you know.
I yeah, I remember having that 10 and what was I talking?
About your dad multiplying. My dad goes basically the
easiest way I can describe multiplication is and he went
and got a load of two PS and started stocking them up.
So like 7 two PS, another 7-2 PS, another 7-2 PS and he's like
say I have 7 * 2 and he brought 2 stacks of seven PS over.
He's like, there, that's 14 P I was like, no.
And he's like, so you just think about it like that.
And I was like, I don't understand.
And he's like, say I had 3 * 7. It brings another wee thing two
pieces over. And he did this for ages.
And I went in the school the next day and they were like,
what's 8 sexes? And I was like, I don't know,
but if you give me a load of two peas, I can show you what it is.
Yeah, but like, that was just the way he was trying to
describe it to me. But I've never been able to do
man's, ever. No, because I the biggest shock
in my life was that I passed my GCSE mass because they had got
me a tutor and all and I remember the tutor.
Oh, I had to go to a tutor. And I didn't want to go.
And I remember the guy, he had a strange voice.
He was very nasally, spoke through the nose.
He was like, I know you want to be here as much as I want to
have you here me. But you, he was like, listen,
you just need to get through this because.
There was a benefit. My teacher was like you need you
need to drop down now at the time.
Pardon. You need to if you're one of the
pastor GCSE's, Here's a sum for you 6.
My deck plus you're my. Equals gaol?
No, but let's. Go.
Outside, But they had said, the school said that my folks
basically you can drop down because I was in like regular
mass, but we dropped down to what was known as a mayday,
something that rhymes with mass and starts with an S and AP.
So something mass, you know what I mean to say?
In my case, I get cancelled and they're like, you need to do it,
go down to do that. And I was like, no, I'm too
stubborn to pass. And he said you won't.
You literally won't pass. You can't.
So they're like all you need to do is just get AD here and I was
like, can you stop with a sex and.
Then drop down and get AD. Yeah, no, just get through it
here. So I didn't somehow got to be
and like we were like the end of remarked almost as Are you sure
nothing has made me more smug ever because my whole family
were kind of like you're a domino mass Yeah, I'm pretty
dumb. That doesn't help you know it
doesn't encourage me. No.
I was so stupid, like with Miles and all that kind of stuff.
Stuff but you. Don't need it.
That's cool. School is so weird.
It's I think it's mad now they haven't had kids to look at them
at that age and go, what do you want to do with forever?
Like, you don't know. You don't know unless you try
it. Yeah.
And I got to go to degree in criminology and criminal
justice. Why?
Yeah. You know.
And are you like, is that a bit like, say someone who studied
French for a level, you say to them now are you still really
good at French or I can't remember it at all?
Do you know about the criminal? Would you still be up on it or
does it change all the time? It changes.
Like it changes all the time and because there was there wasn't
one specific subject it's made-up.
Like I maybe liked like 3 of the modules and some like I hated
social. I couldn't focus my mind around
what sociology was or social policy because it was people
just talking about other people's opinions on things.
And I was like, oh, so and so says that if this I'm like,
what's wrong, mate? You're like, doesn't matter.
It's just a theory. And I go, my theory is he's
talking shit, you know, and I always had this sort of back and
like couldn't get my head round it at all.
And then I didn't know what like in my head I thought it was
going to be like, you know, Clarice from the Science of the
Lamb. So I'll come out and just
analyse people's minds. And then I just came out of it
and just went and worked B&Q, you know what I mean?
It's like there are no Hannibal actors here.
So I was like, I don't even know what I want to do.
And then, yeah, you know, I've ended up doing this so.
Weird how is How's the bonds mate?
I'll get back to that before we get away from the toilets
because I need to tell you this story.
I did a gig the other night and it was just we're talking about
weird toilet etiquette. Do you know, do you have do you
have any we like quirks or any traditions or things you're
like, I need to do this before a gig or like it's just we things
you do like. I'll more often not strip a
label off a bottle of water before I go on stage.
Just do that. I like to go in and in order to
find my barons in a place I like to do poo settle the nerves.
You know you don't want to go on stage and screw the.
Toilet seat with your B&Q skills.
Yeah. So you don't want to do.
I do. I would say I don't.
I would go. I don't have any rituals.
I definitely do. I like to have, if I'm feeling a
little bit tired, I like to have a coffee before the show.
I like to have bottled water and nothing really apart from.
You love your wee melon, don't you?
You like to have wee Thingamelon?
Well, yeah, cantaloupe specifically.
That's if I've got a drive too. Sure, I've got a long drive and
we're going to pass some marksies.
I'll get some. I'll get some cantaloupe.
I wouldn't say it's a. Ritual.
You said dry. I thought you said dry.
Like in order. Just like wet.
Your whistle. You need a wee.
Yeah, we can't. Fetch the cantaloupe, you said?
No, that's not a ritual. Yeah, that's a preference.
So I'm at this gig, which again, it's one of these ones.
Where is it? It could go either way.
It's in Franklin's bar. It would end up being a great
gig in the end, but it was one of us to ever go to gigs where
you don't know what the setup is and you and you're worried about
what could go wrong. Yeah, so I was a bit stressed
out about this because again, it's not if you're sort of the
one that's the point of contact of organising it.
You panic because you don't want to be bad for your mates who are
on involved too and you're like so much stress.
So I went then try and calm the nerves.
I'll have we poo, right. So I went in the toilets were
totally quiet dead. No one was there.
I was there at the door and heard like we rattle at the door
and then. You're in there doing.
Your job I'm in there doing my business and the guy goes, oh,
is anyone in there? And I went yeah, I'm.
And he goes, oh, I want to I. Was like.
Yeah, well, just give me a minute.
And he's like, no worries. But it's like, what?
Was there other cubicles? Yes, but I don't know.
Why whether he wanted in with? You or I know he wanted in, but
I was like, I don't know. Does he know etiquette of the
toilet? Like you have to wait till
somebody's done. He's like, I know, but I want
then. And it was like, but, and I you
know, you're sitting there going what, what?
What's he did that put you up? Were you able to relax then?
No, because this is the thing. I think I had a couple more pops
left in me and I like quiet the, you know, so if you're in there,
you don't want to. Go think you didn't see a
doctor? But you know what I mean, the
big the big fart noises that echo through the toilet,
especially when you don't have the seat down, it doesn't muffle
any noise. So I didn't want him to just be
standing outside the door. Maybe we go, you know, so I had
to really kind of like hold my like do breath work to try and
get it out. And then you're wiping and you
know he's listening to the of the thing like God stress me
out. Was that that's going down your
bum? No, it's.
Pulling. Pulling the toilet roll.
But then again. You look like you were very
liberal with a toilet roll there.
Yeah, because I'm not buying it, you know, I mean, we're in
public place. So let me ask you then, what's
your home etiquette with taking toilet roll for an individual
wipe versus being in public? Until my bombs clean, Shane, no
I. Don't.
I'm not what I'm asking. Oh no, a four.
I would have still got like peanut butter smears.
It's not what I'm leaving it, not what I'm asking.
OK, On every individual wipe that you do, how much toilet
paper will you take for that? 10 probably sheets.
Probably 3 folded so I'll take 3 sheets.
Fold, snap. Yeah no I'm a folder, not a
scruncher. I don't agree in scrunching.
The scrunch is weird to be, although I used to be a
scruncher. But then I think our scrunchers
because maybe because I've heard some women on ice scrunch that's
like, I don't know, because instead of like having testicles
in a Willy, they've got maybe a vagina or whatever it is people
have nowadays. And maybe that's just apparatus
wise easier to clean. But you know, I don't want to
like. Oh, if I had a.
Yeah, right. Can you say it?
Yeah. Can we say that, Punani?
If I had a punani. Yeah, right.
Do the right term if I had to do nothing.
We did the same single award science class.
If I had a punani, yeah, I think I would.
Scrunch, yeah. To wipe that.
The poon nanny. Yeah, the bum.
The pinanny for OK but I think then from my bum I would fold.
Yeah. Then again, people are like, you
can't wipe. I don't know.
There's a lot of, there's a lot of rules.
So what will you do then? If you're in public, in public
toilets or at a restaurant or whatever, you'll you'll take
loads. I'll just take because here's
the thing, right at home, I have a higher quality toilet roll.
Yeah, I feel like quilted. I like I like to protect my bum.
Whereas in Publix it's almost like sound paper sometimes.
So you and another thing. But it's more.
Does more of it make it better? I don't like to accidentally
finger my bum. You only like the purposely.
Correct. You know, I mean, at least I
know what's coming up. I don't have a wee sheet.
And then I go in to wipe it with vigour.
Yeah. And then just who's he?
Right up. I think I was trying to get in
David's bigger. I'm welcome.
See, I don't want to just pop in.
You know what? I.
Mean well then don't wipe like that.
But really, it's a good clue. Like your bonus track?
Yeah. I wipe like I'm trying to get
candy floss, you know? I really get.
You wipe. This is standard.
We've gone into way too much of what I did standard or
something. I said, oh, no, Oh no, I'm not
going to tell you this, but this is going to be even more to say.
I go between my legs this. What do you mean?
Like I go underneath my legs to do.
That's how a lot of people do. I don't know a lot of people go
from behind, but I and I do it left-handed.
Only left-handed. So you be your right-handed,
yes. So you go in between.
I used to have a toilet when I was my student house.
It was very tight squeeze and you couldn't have got any
leverage on the right side. So I just and.
It's so you're not there anymore.
I know, but I just used to do it.
Yeah. So I feel like there's more,
there's more access to the anus going underneath than there.
Is doing this like red wine? I just feel like I can get a
better. I really like a clean bum, you
know? And I went through a period
where because I had kids, I had access to baby wipes more.
So I was wiping and then his baby wiping.
But then I clogged up the whole plumbing system and had to get a
guy out to just, and he's like, there's a lot of baby wipes
here. And I think fuck the kids, must
have been flushing them without me knowing.
And then you did that. But you.
Can get flushable wet wipes. But they still aren't fully
flushable. They don't melt down.
That's fake news. They still get stuck in the
pipes. And you know what happened Me
one time too. Well, you should.
You got to stop. You got to stop.
I can't. So I was.
I had to. Get another like because my my
house plumbing is quite old system and it's 2 houses
connected into the 1 and I get a guy out to just do we clear the
pipes the release it and what happened is my neighbour put
some stuff down toilet and he got out and we lifted the lid
and he was like could. You watch this happen.
Yeah, and he was cleaned out. But then what I had to say I.
Could you why? Why did you watch it?
Because. I was just curious to know where
the like the the manhole was and stuff which too much but and he
lifted it. I had to watch my neighbours
actual poo just float down like and it was just like a sweet
terracotta tube and it's just one me smear poo and I was like,
you definitely fibre, yeah. Yeah, it's not.
Good. And it was weird and I found a
way of looking at. Her.
I wouldn't like to look down a manhole cover like that.
No, I wouldn't like that. I don't know.
But then that's that's part of being shit about being old.
You have to get people to look after you're plumbing the all
time you have to do and again when you have a man out.
Or or or man. Yeah, yeah, a man.
Man, you could have a lady. Yeah, the punani ladies have
punanis. But more often than not, ladies
don't like like just pulling shit out of drains.
Some do. Well, fair enough, But in this
occasion, it was a man out. And you know what?
If you have a man out to deal with like.
Man, stuff in your house, you always feel like you have to
hang about and be like, oh, I know where that hole is.
No, I don't worry about that. No.
And then I'm standing there not having a clue what he's doing.
He's and I'm smelling always. That's horrible, but I have to
pretend like an automat. Yes, because you look like a guy
who knows the crack but. You don't, but I make a wild cup
of tea so I can say you know what you're dealing with.
All that Don't know. Yeah.
But then the guy who does my trains, he comes out once a year
just to, you know, catch up. Really.
We had a mice again. A mouse.
See, you live very much in mouse territory, don't you?
There's a re rivers near you and there's really like.
So we're going to have to just but.
We many. One people go, well, if there's
one, there's more. Not always true.
Yeah, because what's happened is, you know yourself when you
bring the when you've got the two kids in the car and you
bring them into the house, front door is going to be open for a
little while. Yeah, you know these little
bastards are seeing that and go I want in.
I don't want to tell you this, but have you ever seen the
videos on YouTube of mice and rats going through plumbing
systems and all? There's like an experiment set
up to show how working together they could be.
I've seen ratatouille. They can, but these guys can
just get in up the toilet, up the plum and they can get.
It's not just your door. They can get in anywhere and
they. Can tort the three bodies they.
Can contort the bodies and then turn into like we flat like
almost like furry dinner plates and just slide underneath and
then they're in your house just eating your food pissing you
off. You know I killed the mouse I
scared at the death 1 so my house and said them.
What to do? Watch you on the toilet.
No, it's like I don't know how to get up here.
His behaviour so. Unorthodox Why is he coming
from? Underneath and where's his deck?
I think, oh, it's on the board, don't worry.
But I, I had gone to my, you know, my house and said, no, I
had the, the wee roof hatch and I could hear the mouse screaming
and for some reason screaming like, you know, screeching, just
making mouse noises. No, no.
No, Yeah, that's right. That's.
What mouse do you? So I was like, right?
And for some reason I was like, I want to fucking go up here and
start this mouse. So I got myself psyched up
because I mean, the mouse is tiny and I'm big and I shouldn't
be as afraid of another. One tiny me big.
But he's got germs. You know, mouse could kill me
with germs. Why am I speaking like a mouse
could kill me with germs? So I thought, right, I'm going
to go up. So I have a stick to like open
the roof and then the dot and I pulled the ladders down.
I'd have a stick and I climbed up a bit and I could still hear
it's got her and about and I got my stick and I just went up.
Sorry. Bang was like, and I'd given it
a heart. It just died.
Just lay there and I did a wee shit and it died.
And I said that's really great. And I felt terrible because it
was just lying up there. Yeah.
And I was like, fuck, is it dead or is it playing dead?
But it was legitimate. What'd you do?
I just put it in a wee bag and put it in the bin.
See, I couldn't have done like first.
We've had a moist twice, right? Not the same guy.
No. The first time I didn't want to
be in the house. Yeah, until it was taken care
of, I couldn't. Like, honestly, like I'm not
saying enough for comedic effect.
I did not want to be in the house until I heard the most was
gone. Yeah.
And I'd love to be like protective and all that kind of
thing. Of mice.
No, of my family. Great mouse protector.
I look like a guy who'd be a most.
Protector. Right.
But I was like, I don't want to be here.
We got the most the second time I heard the most in this House.
I was a lot more talking to Doctor Seuss.
I was a lot more laid back. I, I didn't like it at all.
I hated it. But I I if I'd have seen him
most the first time, I'd have ran the opposite direction This
time. I'd have ran for the most if I
saw. But then just scream at it and
give it a heart attack. Kill it.
Now you'll know that you go. There's a difference in you
running towards someone. Doing that, I didn't run.
I'd pop my head up a tunnel and start buying a stack.
But we got him, you know? Yeah.
How did you get them though? Because there's I have a mice
experiences. Throughout, I mean the railway
or. To be honest, because there are
different ways now everyone tries to be more like fucked.
Him. Because we've had mice in my
house growing up and there's, I remember there's a lot of rice.
Pardon. Like as lodges.
Just as lodgers, just because times are tough, you know.
So there was one time we got it, like with this, we like trick
things. So it goes in and goes, oh,
there's a bit of cheese in there.
But here's the thing, they don't really love cheese.
That's just cartoons. Stick away Mars Bar in there.
The bastards go berserk. So this way mice goes, I smell
Marsh Barb, he goes trapped like that.
And then what we did, we just went up the window.
But what do you mean trapped? Just trapped.
Just in it. It's not dead, just trapped.
In a what? Like enemy moist trap.
It's just, it's like a thing. It's like this.
It's like that shape. So when he walks up, the weight
tips it and the lid closes. And he's trap, yeah.
So he did that. He got the Marsh bar.
We took him to Winnie Hell and went to get the marsh and.
Do that amount free. Just fucked him in someone's
house in this woman's garden. That was fine.
But then my dad was like, I've had enough of these bastards.
And he got like proper like 1970s mouse traps, You know, the
ones that if you put your fingers in, they're gone.
And he let a few of these ones out and put the marsh bars on
because the wee bastards over marsh bar.
And he left one out and he goes, I've got one, do you want to
see? I was like, yeah, sure, let's go
and see. What age have you been roughly?
12 And I went in and it had got the mouse but not properly.
So it had like got it between its wee legs and its nose, so
its nose and legs were squished, but its tail and all still going
and there's blood everywhere. And he goes, I don't fuck with
me and all, and I was like, are you threat?
Like what are you saying if I miss you, you're going to break
my fucking arms and neck like I don't know.
And he goes, ah, yeah, fucking that's it.
And they go, he's not dead, what are you going to do?
And he goes, oh, I know what I'll do.
And you know what he did? He got another mouse trap so you
got another one and he put it on top of it.
I thought he's just going to like put like his back in and
slammer, but he put the other mouse trap on top of them like
so like to make a wedge and he's like you got it, but do it
humanely. You got to kill him as quick as
possible. She took a hammer and it didn't
kill it humanely at all. It was fucking I really just hit
it with a hammer. It would have killed it.
All he did is probably broke all the bones in the body and he
must have hit this mice about three times with me watching as
a lesson to be a man. I was like, cheers dad, I'm
obviously traumatised. And then what he did, he said go
and get a Tesco bag and bucket in the bin.
I was like, that was sticking with me at my dad.
Yeah, I mean, I'd love to say it was a humane trouble.
No, but then I, I. Was very like, say I watch like
people on TV and they've been like, you know, displaced
because of a war or whatever. I've I watch out and I'm like,
oh man, you know, let's get these guys somewhere to be.
Let's get these guys to see if they, you know, they don't want
to be here. Let's find something for them
and let my heart goes out. There was a moist in our house
that obviously was just there by mistake and didn't want to be
there and he was scared and stuff.
I remember ringing a guy and being like they will get him.
Threw everything out. You know, I was like the money's
no object. Get this guy and he got him.
And I would say we didn't use a Marsh bar.
We used peanut butter and we got now I heard, remember you were a
bad boy when you were 1314. You're in a little bit of
trouble. Your dad just have the Marsh
bar. But I mean, I would fall for it
every time. Marsh Bar, you know, see if it's
a Marsh Bar ice cream, kill me. They are unbelievable.
The nicest. But like mice just being around,
I think you kind of got to accept.
But then see, sometimes too, I think mice to me are in the same
category of like quicksand. I mean, they're things that
people are too afraid of that they're not that generally you.
People are too afraid of quicksand.
Yeah, because in your day-to-day life you're not getting trapped
in quicksand. Another thing I used to be
terrified of, which is ridiculous.
Cannibals with big pots in the jungle.
Yeah, I mean, I used to be like, oh, I've got to watch from
going. These cannibals are going to
take me. And I mean, you could feed a
tribe with me. Are you going to me?
And I was like, well, I don't want to go anywhere near any
forests in case those. Cannibals all anymore.
You know exactly. I mean, no, I'm not doing
nothing, but no way you're. Walking around Crawford Park.
Like, you know, the guys with bones between their nose and
yeah, I know. And like, mice are the same
because there are a problem, but they're not like terror, like,
you know, when people are terrified of them saying not
really. And a lot of time they will just
go, go again, you know, go away. Like I have a more of an issue
with cats than I have with mice. See, cats have become my
friendly. We we have a cat next door that
I brought into the house for a day just to like walk around in
case any potential mice would think you know, mice would look
in our windows thing looks like. You're not just like a nature
boy. You're not just going out being
like. No, I want to talk about you
were talking about quicksand is one of the things we bonded over
the most our love of the prank that Egyptian television played
on professional football. Or is it Ramadan still be?
Oh Ramadan. So that was without a doubt one
of the sighest but also bad. Like pranks people are like no
pranks are shit, they're the lowest form of comp.
No pranks. Pranks done well, there's
nothing funnier. Pranks are 10 out of 10.
How people react this? I don't know if you're able to
like link this or something. Are you able to play something
for us? Because this is the best.
It's the guys called Sobi SOBHI. He used to play for Stoke and
he's an Egyptian international footballer and he was like, so
if you write Sobi, HI, prank quicksand.
But I mean, you know what? Here's the thing about a prank.
See, if a prank is done and it's there's a wee bit of jeopardy,
Yeah, it's good. But see, if you genuinely think
you're going to die, Yeah, that's completely obscene.
So like, pranks are like, oh, you've been free.
You know, this guy, Mike, this guy's car fell into a lake and
he's like, oh, fuck sake. And then it's not really his
car. Jeremy Beetle comes into Good
luck. By the way, see, whenever we're
talking about cars, falling lake, it's this thing I do
because I live quite near sea. I keep a couple of Stanley
knives in each of my glove boxes.
We life hack for you in case I ever get in the water and you
cut sea seat belts out. But why was the seat belt not
just open? Sometimes underwater it might
malfunction, you know what I mean?
That's. How do you see a lot of?
Casualty on the TV and I've seen a lot of EastEnders.
Genuine question, in a situation like that, how do you get out?
Your car goes in the water goes underwater, How do you open
doors or windows? Is the pressure or not?
Yeah, what you should also do is keep we Coffee Hammer in there.
You know that will break the window.
Yeah, Keep we. Because that that prank, that's
just a life hack for people. Just so the background of this
is Sobe is an Egyptian international footballer, and
there's this prankster guy in Egypt, this wacky prankster.
And what he does for pranks is make you think that you're going
to die. Yes, in the worst way possible.
Yeah. So they've told Sobe that he's
doing like some TV shoot and they want to take him into the
desert to fill him something. I mean, look, Ram is that's what
the guy look. At Ram is his face.
He's such a prankster. He's got those steampunk goggles
on. Right, so here's so Sobie is in
a buggy going across the desert. Look around like what do you
miss this RAM? There's probably going why is
RAM has got that weird outfit on?
Sorry, Sobie. Sobie's car is going down.
The car he's in? They're like, how frightened
Sobie is. They're like.
On those stuck in quicksand right, so this would be this is
a terrible prank as is right? So him and his team are getting
out now Ramez has an outfit on. You're going to see what he does
with that in a second now. So he's a young guy.
Look, look like the guy. With him is drowning.
He thinks this guy's dying in quicksand.
He thinks this cameraman take away he's.
Gone. So he's like, I've just watched
the guy die. Everybody else is in on it,
right? So the car is going down,
they're trying to climb up on top of the car, everyone else.
Is going in the car. Right.
So the Ram is just loving life. So they're trying to like, get
him out now. What's right now?
What's Ram is doing? Ram is is getting some
prosthetics done. So, so, so be at this point is a
young man who thinks he's going to die.
Yeah, today. So this is like the Egyptian
version of punk, I guess. So you're going what's going on
here? So.
So be thinks he's stranded and they can't move.
And at this point he thinks a giant Komodo dragon is walking
out of The Cave. But that's RAM is so he thinks
they're stranded and now this dragon is coming.
To eat him. So if he doesn't drive in the
quicksand, he's going to eaten by a Komodo dragon.
Can I just point out you said Komodo dragon.
All right, that's just you a week ago.
But look at him. He is petrified.
Yeah, he thinks he's going to die like.
When we'll see what my RAM is. So Ram is is fast approaching
him. Yeah, he thinks he's dying.
Yeah. Like what part of this is a
prank? The guy thinks he's dying.
Can you imagine if, if he was at Stoke at the time and Poole saw
this, he'd be so cross? So he thinks this Komodo dragon
is going to eat him like she's going down.
Look. And that's his actual clothes
being covered in the sand. This is where Ram is stands up.
It was a prank, mate. You don't gotcha, you're on TV
and so we absolutely loses. And what wasn't on that clip is
he absolutely loses his mind as you would yes, like that's not a
prank. No.
Like you say, like a prank is like Dave, you've got a parking
ticket here and you get down to the car park and there's no
parking. Yeah.
But no, thinking you're not only are you going to die?
Yeah, but you've watched two people die.
You think your wife is going to die?
You're. Dying in the worst way.
You're dying in quicksand and a dragon as you're about to go
down is going to eat your head. I actually in that scenario
would be relieved, I think to be eaten by a dragon.
I think the thought of like, suffocate, not drowning on
inside. Yeah, Oh my God, that's the
worst off. You'd rather get eaten by
dragon. Yeah, ragged, eaten by a dragon.
And that's kind of a cool way to go, isn't it?
Like an eaten by a drag? Like you could kill by a dragon.
Yeah, it's pretty. It is pretty cool.
You wouldn't say Komodo dragon, you know, you lead that better.
You just say dragon. Yeah, he's eaten by a dragon.
Yeah, but that was that was unbelievable.
What a prank. I love a good prank, but that's
up there. Someone.
Do we think Dragons are Dragons? Never existed, right?
No. You were waiting for them to be
like, well, maybe, yeah, you know, somewhere.
If you could, if you could bring an endangered animal back from
like extinct instinct because they're all endangered an.
Extinct animal? Do you have one in mind that you
bring back? Like they're trying to bring
them all back. They're trying to bring back
sabretooth tigers, but I don't know, like, for what purpose?
Does anybody ever seen Jurassic Park?
Yeah. It's not worth it.
No, don't bring a Sabre tooth time.
There's no need. Like if you're bringing that one
from that time, you bring a we friendly Willie Mammoth.
But then those motherfuckers have those tusks, so you don't
know. Imagine them just kicking around
Shaftesbury Square. It'd be a problem that.
'D be a nightmare. Unlike, I don't know, like his,
like, you know, wolves used to roam around Ireland.
That's another thing I went Have you ever been to Wild Ireland?
It's a place just in Donegal where they're like it's
conservation. I think it was yeah.
So they have they bring the animals that were indigenous to
Ireland and they have them there.
So like the wolves of bears, snakes, not on Oakshares party
dealt with that. But they're they're basically
their their their message. No guilty.
Their message was like, our goal here is to try and bring these
animals that used to be indigenous here, and then
eventually we'll just let them out.
That's right. And then the people who live by,
they're like, hold on a second, that's not a great idea.
And you're like, what do you mean goes?
And around you're just going to release a bear.
And they're like, well, they're originally here.
And it's like, no, don't. Yeah, it's not, it's not a good.
No system, but it was a nice place to visit.
But for sure don't just release them into the.
So what have you been inside? Yeah.
So what do they have? Like Wolf?
How about this? You tell me what they have.
Not a year now. Wolf.
Yes, by the way, wolves. Bigger than you think.
Oh, yeah, Yeah. Big boys like then wolves are
fucking problematic because I'm a dog guy so I'd say a wolf and
be like give me 5 minutes for them and I'll be round Robin.
It's tummy. Know what about?
Bears. Yes, they're bears.
Being serious. Bears, Yeah.
Was there bears in Ireland? Yeah, back in the day, that's
why. Yeah, yeah.
Bucket. Not recently, No.
Not. Recently, no.
Dan, can you bring up Wild Ireland?
And let's have a look at what. They well, this is what we
should do. We should go there someday as a
Patreon exclusive and just. Try to.
Release the animals, see if that's our prank so.
Let's see what they have. They have a wild Arctic.
Oh, look at that wolf. That is lovely.
Yeah, and they've got coach. I mean, I feel like.
They're not like, have you ever seen any film?
The Witch? It's a horror film or should go
down in the whole way through it.
That's the devil. Apparently it's called Black
Phillip. It looks like that about us.
They have links. Remember there was always big
cat segments. Was not like a real late 90s
yes. Oh, there's a big cat.
There's a there's a leopard scene in this field and there
never was. So you write that bears.
Yeah, they've got bears. I feel like they have bears and
wolves and that's what they really put up front on the
website. Here, You know what?
Like seeing the WE Gift shop. That's where they're making
their dough off the cuddly toys of the bears and the wolves.
They watch monkeys white board. Yeah, I do want to say the
rescue monkeys. I don't know how indigenous they
are, Ireland. Yeah, potbelly pigs.
Like there must be, there must be some place.
I bet you you know a big farmer somewhere that's in the middle
of flipping like Tipperary or something has like a random big
animal. Calvin who's who's, you know,
accompanied me on the tour taking photos and you know
Calvin. Yes, Calvin Creek, he knows a
guy who has a tiger lives near him.
Like just like in Ballymoney, I want to say.
But you know what? Here's the thing too about that
you never see with someone like in Ballymoney has a tiger.
You're not seeing a regal, well kept, thick furred condition
tiger. It's always a, it looks like
scar from The Lion King. Yeah, it's only the crepitly
thing flees and you're like, Oh no, you should probably just
give that back, Africa. Do you think if you had that
you'd be like tempted to just? Yeah, I mean, it would
definitely be funny. Yeah.
You imagine coming be one of those pranks.
Imagine coming here to work for the day.
Can I bring my pet? Yeah, no problem.
Have you seen that video of the It's like viral video of like
all these like big Middle Eastern guys that all look like
you and they're in a swimming pool and like what looks like
Dubai or somewhere a Qatar and then this guy just like for the
less a tiger in. This big white.
Tiger. Yeah.
And a guy gets out, like, I imagine you get out of the pool,
he like, sort of like, puts his hand out and then, like, rolls
out of the pool. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Oh.
I used to do that in the gym. I used to go to, you know, the
one up in Hollywood there where there's a hot tub.
And my party trick was to be able to go from the hot tub, the
swimming pool, one motion like Shamu, very skillful.
I just switch out and slide in great.
And then watch Blackfish in. That ruined Shamu for me.
Yeah, fuck sake. Yeah, but you could still do
that as a tribute to. Yes, I'm sure he'd love that.
True. Then I that's another thing,
they just start dropping the Shamu's, not just the one
animal, you know, there's many Shamu's.
They just give it your shamu mate.
It's like the Pope. Or the sure babes.
Yeah, yeah, you're, you are, Shamu.
Take the Pope or the sugar. Babes.
Yeah, both similar. Things.
What would you rather be? Probably.
The Pope. I think I could get away with
doing whatever you want more than if you're a sugar babe, you
know, like not if you're a sugar babe, you might have some
financial constraints, you know what I mean?
But if you're the. Yeah, if you're sorry, would you
rather be the Pope, a sugar babe at the peak sugar babes, or a
sugar babe? No.
I'd still be the Pope because I think, right, you're the Pope.
I think if you're the Pope, Par would go to your head.
You'd be really good. 4000 patrons.
Yeah, imagine you're the Pope, but anything you want, you be
like, I need this. You would get it, you know, be
like, I know, but then you'd be like Pope.
Yeah, it's not me. It's God wants.
You're basically God on earth. You know, I mean, it'd be hard
to beat being the Pope. Can I get the latest Dre beat?
Yeah. Do you need them?
Because then and then they're like, oh, listen, you have to
behave a certain way. If you're the Pope, you there's
certain rules you have to do. And then all Cardinal Ratzinger
is like, Nah, I'm checking out. I've got dementia by and like,
well, that's not the popes rules.
And he was like. Is he the guy that, like, called
it a day? He's like, yeah, folks, I'm
heading on here. What I loved about that you have
to be a Pope till you die. Yeah, well, until he was like,
not because I think what happened, he was like mentally I
think diminishing and they're like, oh, we can't have.
Like a tiger in a garden of ball of money.
Correct, and they're like you can't be having you making Pope
decisions when you're boogle your life, you know.
So they're like, I'll tell you what you do.
You get on that. I was like the end of The
Apprentice or something or succession get in that
helicopter and he just disappeared.
No one knows where he went right?
And off he went out Pope was he Benedict.
That was he disappeared. One of my favourite pieces of
music. Carl Jenkins, Benedictus.
Nice. I thought you want to say Pope
Benedict's just been working on some side projects since he
retired. I'm an awful dance, all of them,
but I like Pope. Francis, he's going the other
way now, too, like he's trying to be too much of my life.
To be what? Prod?
That would be the other. Way.
But he's like, I don't want to wear a golden necklace.
I want to be made of wood because gold's too expensive.
You know, where's Ratzinger or Benedict's, like, you know,
bring me out. Give me a Louis Vuitton.
Like, you know, maybe ball. Yeah.
So I think I'll be like, there's a fellow might, isn't there?
The 2 Popes? I like the watch.
It looks quite good. Can I tell you something in when
I was in Lai am near where we were staying, there was this
like jewellery shop and it's just London jeweller.
And now I was like, oh, you want to see their stuff?
And I went in and I tried on a chain and then bought it.
How much can you say? It was like $150.00, but it was
a wee silver chain and I tried it on because in my head it was
like, I think I'd shoot a chain and I just couldn't do it.
I feel the chain would be like marijuana is the other drugs,
you know, you get a chain the next thing.
It's a gateway. Yeah, it's a gateway jewellery.
It's gateway jewellery. You'd start with a chain and
next thing you have a ring. It wasn't your wedding ring in a
way. You get the wee earrings and
all, and then you get that the eyebrow.
Pierce And then it'd be like jerseys from 300.
I'd have like the nose ring connected to the earrings
connected to a nipple ring connected to a Prince Albert.
Be like a puppet. I mean, that's maybe what I need
to do. I need to get all those
piercings. And then if I have the nipples
and the nose Pierce and the deck Pierce, if I'm pissing, I can
just lift this up. I would have to set the deck in
the rim. Make a lot of sense.
Will you ever get a piercing? Actually, even a big midlife
crisis getting stud. I would, I mean I wish, but not
a piercing. Maybe if we're to get anywhere
pierced. I've got my nipples pierced just
because that's funny isn't it? Like it's a weird.
Thing yeah, it's a it's a wacky prank, but on my nipple pierced
no one sees. But I don't.
I don't think I'll get in pierced.
I don't. Would you get in pierced?
Never, No. Well, I pierced my I Pierce my
ear for a fancy dress party once.
I remember what I can get. Clip on some magnetics you know.
I know, but I had a few drinks and I got my cousin Connor to
put a needle through my ear and then put nearing in, put up two
ice cubes on either side of it for like 10 minutes, totally
numb. Did it hurt?
No, probably no. All right, OK.
And then took it like the next day.
Do you have a? Pierced anything boys, firstly.
I could see down that you probably had your eyebrow Pierce
back in the day, did you? No, never.
I don't have the eyebrow pierced, remember?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember. You had driver pierced.
Yeah. Do you have anything else here
first? Do you have your ear first?
See a guy with a pierced eyebrow, it says one thing and
one thing lead to me drugs, you know, like if you see a guy with
a pierced eyebrow, like, you know what, you can get stuff for
me. You know what I mean?
You know where it's at, Like, yeah.
Comedians aren't really guys that have piercings.
But some of like we one earring piercers piercings done to yeah.
Torio data made in life. Ear piercing, Yeah.
To The Who else? Let's see.
Recently had one and it's just I just don't, I find it weird, you
know, I mean like I just from well for me personally of other
people work away, but I just don't know what I would do if I
had it done. Like you'd expect Willie to have
more piercings than he does he just say we I broke, yeah.
Yeah, like you'd say you could see him growing up with we like
having the least. I bet you he got his ears
pierced before he could consent to it.
But his dad was like, you're getting your ears pierced.
Yeah, and he's like 3 months. Yeah, because I when I was
growing up, I was like, when I'm older, I'm going to get both
ears pierced. And then the middle of my year
too. Yeah, and then you know what's
happened though too. You know your man I lost
prophets. He's a total pervert creep guys
in gaol. He had he had those pierced
creep that were stretched right spacers.
Yeah. And I think now anytime I see
those, I think you're pedo so. That's just I brought piercing
drugs. Yeah, spacer pedo, Pedo.
Yeah. And you know another thing too?
Like unless you're in like some sort of unknown African tribe,
you know, you once you take those out, it's weird.
Just have your lobes down there. I was talking to.
Someone about this recently, Apparently they close.
Now that's fake news. Not if they go to Yeah, you have
to get it cut down because, you know, the only two bits of your
body that don't stop growing as you go, all apart from hair and
stuff, is your earlobes, ears, nose, you know?
So like, my mind will grow here and there.
Like your nose doesn't. Know your nose keeps growing so
when that's when you see old man with big snoozes and these long
ears. Not a good leg, there's no not
sweet big long lobes. I long lobes.
That's an exciting. Game I'm left 204.
I mean, you look terrible. You, that would be your
character. You'd have no hair on the top,
just really long on the sides of these lobes.
And you tie it under your chin and long lobes.
And because you have the long fingers, you'd be some sort of
prophet. That's what I'd say.
I am the Oracle of the future. I'm protected of the Mace.
I know when you really want to get business done, you tie your
lobes behind your head. Right, let's let's go to work.
But I think you have a big blowjob.
I see pleasure in your future. You walk in, I'm just, I'm in a
chicken. What troubles you?
Long lobes. I need your counsel.
Oh, I thought you'd never ask. What will it cost me?
Long lobes? Your bottom?
You're bald. My real.
Test. Yeah, we could go to Wild
Ireland. They've got bears, wolves,
links, wild boar and Barbary maquette.
Macaques is it? Macaques.
Yeah. I wonder what they they need
them, darling. No, I think, I think what
they've done is they've got this facility and they're like all
these are pretty cool, Yeah. They've got a bail on them.
Yeah. Wholesale price, Yeah.
You buy 12 links, you get a free Barber.
Tell you what, do you ever look at these?
I'm looking at a wild boar. Going to bet you had to be
tasty. You've had white board before?
Sure. So, you know, I've eaten
alligator. So by Florida I had some bread
crumbs and cheese. I thought it was nice.
I see I had it off the bone like it was just like it was horrible
Where? The Everglades.
Africa. Made in the Wreaths.
South Africa if you anything you want to plug my friend anything
up or slide guy podcast. Yes, Slide Guy podcast is out
every Thursday and then if you want early access, there's a
Patreon. It's a Wednesday.
When's this go out? This episode done Wednesday. 6th
of December. Well then though, because I've
done my show on the 7th of December which was sold out
nearly already. Just a couple of tickets left
just and then other than that, just follow me on socials D of
LA Comedy, see what I'm up to. Put everything there, you know.
And again, thanks for having me. It's been a lot of fun today.
I've enjoyed this thoroughly. Silly fun.
It's. Very silly.
We'll go for some lunch. Yeah, we'll break bread.
Thank you, brother. Thank you.
Love you. Love you too.