John Paul the second died, correct?
Yeah. While it was on stage mid joke
slagging off the Pope in Dublin in Record St.
Some guy at the back shouted he just died.
And I went what? And I started laughing.
I could see phones just lighten up all over.
Imagine every time you did that. Well, that's exactly what I
said. And then I started making jokes
about lots of other people. And eventually I turned, there's
some people going. That's very disrespectful to
people going yeah. Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea With Me podcast with me, she and Todd.
Before we get into this great episode of the podcast, let me
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Is that the way you said? Like Elvis in the ghetto?
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The scissors first. More industrial scale and.
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There's also show that also sports love for this T-shirt
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Look, look at the back of my sweet design there.
Weird way. Weird way for you to me to show
you my back. Yeah.
Like a My guest is none other than comedy royalty.
He is a returning guest. Always great to have him on.
This was one of those episodes. We could have done 3 hours,
never mind one. He's going on tour in January.
We'll put a link up there if one exists yet.
He's none other than Colin Murphy.
There you go. I'll be in his T-shirt too.
And bigger news you hope you don't mind me saying, but just
minutes for recorded there. You you tell me you're watching
episode of first dates. I would not have had you down as
a as a first dates guy. Are you in the that whole world?
Are you in the? No first dates, right?
Genuinely like first dates. Not like, not like for me, no
happily married. The hell of a way to have to
find out, no? Some your wife will watch
together and happy to watch. On my own, yeah.
Naked from the West on cup of tea.
Nothing better. I genuinely know.
But. I honestly, I wouldn't.
I'd say you watch no, no, I would have you done as watching
like Time Team? No, I'd say you'd watch shows on
like discovery, but not even like me and this like Discovery
Turbo. Oh no I wouldn't.
But people taking apart. Discovery Turbo.
I'm Discovery Max and all this to I, I could see you watching
shows about they've stripped down this vintage motorcycle.
No interest. Not whatsoever, right?
None whatsoever. Men talking about yeah, yeah.
Fucking brick horsepower. 1st. Dates no but. 1st dates are
going into my. Time watch not they used to
watch or no time Time Team Time Team time was different thing.
It. Was was, yeah, that's anyway,
umm, yeah. Time Team.
I did years ago when it was yeah.
Tony Robbins, Tony Ronson. Yeah, Got a bit of geophase.
Yeah, yeah. Not a bit of geophase.
What's Geophase? When they couldn't take up the
ground, they would go, oh, let's get the geophase and go, yeah,
geophase. And yeah, a man would haul a
thing across is. That his name.
X-ray, the ground geophase. Yeah.
He sounds like a guy we would have done it over.
My gig with Monitor definitely do this.
Yeah, no, I did like Canteen and then the reconstruct stuff like
all up. You ever dig dig anything
yourself? What do you mean digging?
Like would you would you be in? Randomly go out, yeah, but we're
going up and argue, you know, no skills.
No, none. Just can't be that difficult.
So I love them. Like if I'm on the beach with my
kids and they are, let's take a whole, I'll get more into that
than them. I love that.
Are you thinking like ahead? I'm going to find something.
Treasure. Yeah, or people, Asian people,
No, Australian people who could be who And I, by the way, I've
been to Australia, not slice head.
There's loads, loads on there. Lot of Asian people in Melbourne
doesn't exist. I like Trump off his resent.
Yeah, No, I do. Like hold on the first date
thing. I have to explain why.
Yeah, I don't have to explain why.
No, you don't need to explain that.
Brilliant. I love it because it's did.
You get in at the start. I don't know, right?
But long, it's a long run. And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, no. What's all whatever reruns out
Click. Yeah, by the way, no one's
thinking you're like a fair weather fun.
You're like, no, they're just, this is like being into a band.
I remember when it, you know, it changed the sort of the layer of
the restaurant. So this is Fred.
Yeah. Right.
So I know him from Fred Gordon and Gino.
So you go in, it's like a restaurant.
There's multiple dates going on. Multiple 1st dates going on
hidden cameras. And is the beauty of that one.
Someone from here? No, the beauty of that is no
longer on there to be famous. It's a reality show where
nobody's there to be famous. It's actually really sweet.
They're just there, you know? To find love.
Tough. Well, better.
Did he you know and. I've always said that he's our
love. Yeah, well, that's true.
That's very true. That's that's that's a
Valentine's gift there that's just done a on a card that he's
our love. That's so nice.
And yeah, that's why I like it. And it's it's, yeah, it's great.
It's when you see like from what I've seen, but like, when you
see like, I think my wife will watch it.
You see, like a guy who'll go, ah, you know, I've lost my
confidence. Yeah.
I haven't been on a date in five years.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're just then you're just rooting for.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, to get the leg over.
Yeah, exactly. Do they do they ever?
Like is there ever a smooch or anything?
The rest? Yes, there's a there's a
smooching area, apparently there's a smoking area outside
and I've only ever seen two smooches in that, right.
Yeah. And one of them really went for
it. And all of a sudden, this
different show. Yeah.
Once a hand was on the face for a first note.
Oh, is that your? No, no, that's not my move or I
just think. I just think.
I just think that's intense for a first.
Look at me, you know, what did you just say to?
Them one hand on the face maybe All right 2.
Yeah, that's you're in big trouble then.
Yeah, it's ritual. I love it.
I like them. 90 day fiance now I got into that.
What's that one? If you like first dates and you
don't know 90 day Fiance. 90 day.
You all love this started as an American show.
Umm, people around the world get paired up where you, uh, you're
busy. Like you get married at the end
of three months if you want to, but you live like you're
engaged. So they take these two people
from around the world who have already been speaking to each
other. Yeah, people apply for the show.
I've been speaking with this person from around the world,
women online dating or whatever. OK.
I know. I want them to make a call.
So what they do is 90 days usually spend the first half of
that where you live and the second-half where they live.
And the casting of this is unbelievable.
And it's so like international dips in and out, the different
stories. Do they try and match them up
genuinely or I think it's one in four, like, you know, I've
worked in TV, you've written TV, you know, the producers don't
work like. That it's one in four.
Producers will go, yeah, they're gonna fucking hate each other.
Brilliant TV. Who was the guy who had to go to
Brazil for it? And I got him to do a Cameo
message for Dave. You know who I'm talking about?
So is this American guy dweeb of a guy who like lived with his ma
for years and having chatted a woman in Brazil, Patrick, I
think Patrick speaking to a woman in Brazil and she's from
like a tiny village and they have nothing.
She's gorgeous. And then he goes out to stay
with her and God love him. He just he isn't caught out for
the world. I have this rings a bell.
Go on ahead. So yeah, he's got like small guy
with glasses and Paul, Paul, any name you're going to say, I'm
just going to repeat it. But it's what it's it's a name.
And he goes out to Brazil and he gets himself in the all sorts of
but he just can't fit in with her family and SH, she gets
pregnant during the thing. And what it does is if you, if
they like their story, they'll follow you.
For years child. I think that's what he that's a
question he was asking to, but this is like at one point he
runs off and they're they're in like a flavella and.
Flavella. Flavea, you say for that life,
say for that. OK, Brazilian for slum.
Favela. Flavella, what did I say?
Flavella. I was her name, so they're like
stay the camera crew or like stay here like don't go where we
can't see it yeah she says something to him that like hurts
his feelings and he just takes off yeah into like this area and
they're following him around with a camera.
But anyway, after the show ended, he was doing cameos.
He got some of them get really famous and the guy Ed as well
seen the guy with no neck. No, he's great.
Umm, so I got the. Who the match him up with?
He. Was very long.
I think they gave him a couple. He was living in LA.
He's a wee short fat guy, called it but no neck.
Horrible guy. And it was obviously what they
do is they bring in like Asian ladies from like disadvantage
backgrounds and they're like, have fun guess.
See this is. Humidus.
All of a sudden, totally different show.
First, it's first. It's quite sweet, you know, go
out for dinner. Do you like it?
No, it's all right. And this one, you're human
trafficking. Yeah, that's what it is.
I got in touch with this guy Paul.
Yeah, I think he was called Paul eh, because they've loved the
night day fiance during COVID. That's what we were watching his
wife for watching it. So I got this guy to do a cameo
video message for Dave the say happy birthday.
And he was to say like, you know, big fan of your pocket.
He's I got him the typed everything slightly wrong.
He's like, I love your podcast and all this, but it's supposed
to be you paid for like a 45 second video message and it was
maybe £15. This the saddest thing ever is
this guy did a 10 minute video message to Dave because he had
nothing else going on in his life.
But he was still in Brazil in the fair and he he was just like
walking around this rundown house still lost, given us a
tour. So he's like, hey, Dave, Bobby,
you probably won't. You probably want to see the
house. We didn't, but he took us
through every room and he's going through like what's going
on in his life and it's not going well.
And it was the saddest, saddest thing.
I don't know whatever happened to Paul, but they were like,
they're making it work on Instagram because that's what
they do. How many rooms were in this?
Like there was like 3 parts of it, but they're just shit
everywhere. And he was just you know, he'd
be like, oh, this is the living. And then he but he would let you
in intrusive thoughts be like this the living room.
He's like cry myself to sleep at night in here.
And it was just what we can put some of it up.
I'll send you the clip. But that's what they do.
They. Cheer me up.
The couples on this, they want to, they get well known on the
show and then they have to stay together because if they can run
an Instagram page together, will you follow the rest of their
journey? And then the best thing in these
shows, the reunions or they get them all together.
And then the start. Yeah, they show them footage.
What did you think of the way you said this start then there's
other couples over there. Yeah, I wouldn't take up, you
know and then there. I see this is does no interest
to me whatsoever. This is This is like some sort
of. You want the.
This is this is like the Real Housewives of Yeah, you know,
it's no, it's not. I don't like that at all.
Not see, that's I'm a short attention span.
So yeah, you know, first dates is great.
Over over. Don't don't care about the rest
of your life. Off you go.
Bye bye. Anchors a girl from Belfast just
on marry the first. Oh marry the first sights a
different show. Do you like marry the first
sight? No, I don't like any.
Of the concept of that. Yes, but they're no.
But how wide is that? You you show up at the altar?
Yeah. But that's.
All there was a guy. Nobody.
There's a guy, There's a guy. Must be loads of Indian couples
watching not going. You know what?
I mean, yeah, they've been doing that show for.
Yeah, it's like, it's like all of this is gonna got a great
idea for a show. Like you sort of uh huh.
There's a guy on the UK and I just saw a clip I haven't seen
the show and he he played a prank as his wife was walking
down the aisle where he put in like fake teeth.
So he had like 4 teeth that were horrible and he waited his 10
out of 10 and she's walked down the aisle.
He's good looking guy, but then he's like give her this smile
for these like 40 and her feet. It's fuck, it's essential view.
But nowadays people are like the comments on that are if I came
out an early naughty people be like this guy's great,
brilliant, but the comments are like for him to take advantage
of her and do that like that and like this is horrible.
To what? He's not taking this seriously.
We can't do false. He's no more.
He's no respect for the concept of marriage.
She showed up in good faith. Yeah.
To this stranger, yeah. Umm, I don't know.
I get like I get to in the reality TV, so that's why I
can't watch. Yeah, I don't.
I don't. I watched one of those Real
Housewives for the first time. Never really watched.
Anything that was still going. Yeah, they're all sorts of I
can't remember what. But then they tried to do here,
remember that the thing, Tyrone or something.
What was it? I love Tyrone or something.
Oh yeah, that wasn't really real.
No place like to. Die no place like to roll that
rings a bell. But I felt like they couldn't.
Like we're almost too, like it's too small.
We're too normal. Too small.
Yes, ladies. Friend of mine knows that.
He said when First Dates came on first, it was First Dates
Ireland lasted about two series, basically run out of people.
And yeah, it's good, really. Everybody knows everybody.
Yeah, yeah. And so this guy, you know,
comedian and he was saying, he was saying that he lived in a
shared house in Dublin and, and he was in the kitchen making a
cup of tea. And he was the show was about to
start. And he says this won't work.
This country is too small. There's no way this will work.
And then he walked into the sitting room on the 1st moment
on the TV. He says, I've been over her.
They had been up with her. Yeah, that is too small.
Have you ever been asked to do reality TV?
Have I ever been asked to do? I was approached once about
doing a thing on RTE called the farm and it was so they got
celebrities and to go and be on a farm and just do farm things
right and somebody had to wank off a pig.
Rebecca Loose No. On the Irish one.
Yeah, or maybe I'm getting a mixed up with that one.
Yeah, No, no, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, don't do that.
No, they wouldn't do that. No, no, no.
TV Three would have, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, fact. I think they only showed that
for a while. That's all this week on wanking
off a pig. I would hit the wank of I I
could milk a car and no problem. I'd hit the wank off a pig.
Lecture, lecture. Well, I think not be.
You milk a car, I. Think it would be like.
That's how you milk a bull. And they were like, you know,
the end of an ice pop. There's a machine that they got
to do it to milk. To milk a bull, Yeah.
Have you seen the machine? Jiggers, a lot of like farmers,
had to pretend to be raging when they brought that machine.
They got this fake bullet you mount.
Yeah, so it mounts a fake, sorry sort of cow.
You might. The fake, yeah.
As a. Farmer.
That's a defence, that's a defence in court.
On the news mixed up on the new Extremeville.
Discovery Extreme. Yeah, it's not this fake sort of
back end of a car and then the ball jumps up and create and
then and there's a boy inside and he has to catch it in a in a
big tube. That's not where you want to be
in life. That's not what you want to do.
No, there was a guy because it was a guy at a gig once and
that's what he did. Oh yeah, yeah.
And then, yeah, he says. I'm milk bulls.
And then the whole room went do. You remember that time someone
phoned Radio Ulster during the Jimmy Salvo?
Oh, yes. What would you call it?
Keeper inquiry, probably. Keepers, probably, yeah.
Disrespected a little bit. Yeah.
During that palaver where, you know, all the all the news came
out and somebody called up and said he fixed it for he was
actually a great guy. He fixed it for me to milk a
code blindfolded. The worst thing about that is
that they apologise because I don't.
I think 9 out of 10 listeners wouldn't have bothered and I
live at that. But then they had to come on and
apologise. It was yeah, it was yeah, yeah.
And it was the total straight. It's on.
It's yeah, yeah, it's on. It's on YouTube.
I told the story recently. I had to apologise once.
Ready, Wallster, for playing dance music on Easter, Easter
Friday, Good Friday. I did Good Friday.
Yeah, which is an Easter and I had to, I had to do a disclaimer
at the start saying I don't know anything about all that stuff.
Is it clearly good dog? Good Friday.
No Good Friday. Yeah.
Good Friday. Yeah, Yeah.
What time are you on? 7.
Oh well, you'll be. 6:00 but the dude disclaimer.
Being a clock will be bad. Of all day.
Like just sorry if this offend you, but we're playing dance
music now. That was a genuine thing we had
to do. Sorry immediately sorry if.
The scout man offend you but. What point did you have to that
was before? The show started.
But what? So it's a prerecorded show.
No, we were live. I had to do a message at the
start start of the show and go hello everybody.
If you're just joining this BBC Radio Ulster, Shane Taldray of
lockdown. I know it's Easter Friday, Good
Friday, some people call it, and you shouldn't laugh at those
people, but we just want to say if you know, if something like
if you want to change station or whatever, totally understand.
No, it was like, if this isn't for you, no, no problem.
Just the next hour and a half, we'll just explain what it would
be and that it's might not be for everybody on Easter Stroke.
No. Way.
That's a great way to celebrate whatever happened that he came
back. Was it like what sort of was it
like techno or? Something.
Oh yeah, just what you did. But the jungle.
But yeah, celebrating Good Friday.
But what good for Easter is when he came back.
Yeah, Yeah. Right.
So I mean, that sounds like celebrate cause for celebration.
Yeah, that was a Sunday. So a few big tunes, Yeah.
Oh, why won't even Friday? Well.
I get my disrespectful bomb, bomb, bomb.
No, no, no, no, no, no. It should have been like David
David Grey white ladder. Hard to do that when you're like
that, it's difficult. It's all we're in the face.
That's why they were annoyed. I get it now.
But they do call it Good Friday
for. Whatever.
I know that's Yeah, yeah. Don't understand that.
Never understood that. Even a kid never understood
that. You ever gigged it any type of
day where breaking news has come out or anything that has been
relayed to you? Made my joke, slagging off the
Pope in Dublin in Wrecker St Midway through the joke, some
guy at the back shouted he just died.
And I went what? And I started laughing and I
could see phones just lighten up all over.
Yeah, John Paul the second died, Yeah, while I was on stage just.
Imagine every time you did that. Well, that's exactly what I
said. And then I started making jokes
about lots of other people. Because I.
And eventually I turned to some people going, and it's very
disrespectful to people going. Yeah.
And they were short. And people like to that one make
a joke about them. Because I did you know about
Glasgowbury? You've heard a yes?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Party run a festival in
Draperstone. Yeah, it was brilliant, like a
mini Glastonbury and Draperstone and I was on stage and only a
couple years in the stand up and I was awful with rowdy
audiences. I couldn't.
I remember the gig where I got over that, but for years I just
couldn't. If they were talking or
whatever, I could never. Write the music thing as well.
It's always the worst audience. Yeah.
And it was, it was later in the day and I was first on.
Yeah. And in this comedy tent.
And Amy Way knows that. And someone told me as I walked
on stage and I went, Amy Way knows just that, but I didn't
have a joke about it. Yeah.
So I just said that and then started doing material.
But all my dad's a bit of a pervert and you could see
everybody getting their full note, look it up or talk about
it. So I just lost them for the
whole time. So oh.
Yeah, you don't do that. Yeah, you don't.
You really don't do that. Yeah, there was a guy not in the
sable. Just giving them news.
It's a guy on the Empire on Tuesday, and he was working
away. You know, the two or three guys
in this table in front, one guy what he did and you, what do you
do is I make documentaries. I said, all right, that's good.
Well, what sort of the last documentary made?
And he said it was for TG CAR, Irish Language Station and
South. And I said, what was it about?
And then he started laughing and he knew this was just going to
kill the gig. And he says it was about a guy
who discovered a type of cancer. Let's move on.
You know what I mean? Instead of.
But if you're being more than one.
Exactly. Well, the only thing is, if
you're a bit and experienced, you will ask him what type of
concert you know. It's just you don't want to.
It's not good. Yeah.
You don't want, you want to move away.
You see exactly what you said. You walked out.
Give them information that distracted them.
Yeah. It's more interesting than you
were going to be. Yeah, I remember a gig and
Lauren Football Club years and years ago and asked the guy what
his tattoos were and he goes there were your tattoos for and
he says my dad and it was like a guy with long hair and a beard.
No, And I went, oh, your dad's a very good looking guy.
He goes nuts and Angel to represent them.
He's dead. I was like, all right.
Look, asking anybody here, what's your tattoo?
Is it dangerous thing to do anyway?
It's not. It's only Terry there.
Yeah, it's just. I don't think I've never done
reality. I auditioned for we talk about
Nepal quite a lot, but that you'll find me the funny if you
remember that. Oh yes, yes, I auditioned like
every comedian my age audition for that at the time and that
was can't. That wasn't really reality TV,
but it was closest we've kind of got to.
I did. I've just remembered it did.
Do I love it? If you like, I was in the first
series of Big Brother. No, I was on Love Island and.
Collins entered the villa, Yeah. The first time when I was an
actor and I went to Edinburgh and what, 1995, it was 95 and it
was in a play and BBC Two, we're doing this thing where
everybody's first Fringe. So it's at least people.
So it's us and someone else, someone else.
And so Amit Jalili was one of the other people that, well
actually. And so we were heading over from
here, do a play called Dog Man. I was playing a dog.
Someone else playing man. You know, it was I was playing a
dog who becomes a man, and I become a man by eating my own
testicles every night 8:00. Was this comedy?
No fucking very serious stuff. It's a classic novel cut by
Mikhail Bulgakova. Have you gone sample?
Fuck off, Bernard. I've gone Bernard and I don't.
Know which is what? And yeah, I told him I'm still
smoking and careful. My coach the Yeah, so we would
so news night had this week segment following these people.
So came over, filmed this, getting ready for going to
Edinburgh, going to Edinburgh, getting our first reviews, all
that kind of thing. What did you been?
There I don't know, but only designed 1995 I don't know.
Start of your career. 2728 something got and yeah, it was
only I was I think I've just started doing open spots.
I was doing a bit of stand up, but it was yeah, it was just a
play. So there was a bit six of us and
this thing yeah, we're on news night three times a week and
yes, I think it can be found on YouTube.
OK. And that play go well.
Did. Yeah, did all right.
Yeah, We've got some good reviews, Yeah.
And what it would would, would dog, would dog man Ever.
We were down right, So Dog Man was on in this theatre, right?
And Little Theatre, it was called the Morningside.
And then so we were in the downstairs and we studio and
then upstairs was Eartha Kitt who was in Batman, the original
Batman in 1960s and she played Catwoman and Batman.
So Catwoman was upstairs and Batman was downstairs or Dog Man
was downstairs. It's fucking brilliant.
And there were two plays called Dog Man, Not here one, but it's
all. About the same thing.
Well, that was the thing. The other one was a kids show,
right? Our star.
Yeah. And there will be people come to
our show thinking it was the other one, right?
Like a kids show. Yeah.
And the show would open with a
screen with battleship attention, like clips of that
black and white movie on the thing.
And then the the screen would be ripped down.
And then all of us would grow on and out dressed as dogs and go
up and hump people's legs and sniff people's crutches.
And kids were screaming, it's just, And then I did my own
testicles and they were like behind.
And your method right? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's other people's for the, you know, the run through.
Sorry about that mobulating. Sorry.
Unprofessional. Do you need to be somewhere?
And I would have baby beetroots. That's what we used for the
testicles floating in a jar of vinegar.
So you can pick them out and hold them up and really make the
most of it and bite into them. Yeah, men.
And most of the men in the room made that noise.
I don't know if that's a fruit I would automatically.
More of a vegetable. To some people.
Well. To some people, one man's
vegetable. Fruit does not grow in the
ground. Depends what way you grow.
No, that attitude. Doesn't so, but attitude isn't
it? Are you garden?
You're not even fucking trying to grow.
Put a fucking effort in. Well, all my all my farming
knowledge and I come from Clarkson's Farm, which is what
I'm obsessed with on TV. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's incredible.
It is. He's an.
Arse, but it's a great show. I've always like, not hated him,
but I dislike him. He's annoying.
Everything about him I hear. Yeah, yeah.
Then I started watching this one I love.
Really. Yeah.
OK, I'd say it makes me think that loads of the stuff and the
bluster and the shite that he comes out with is just that.
Exactly. This is the first time when
you're seeing him and it still comes out the old time, but he's
he's, he's likeable. He's likeable.
He is a not even drive you. I think if he was you may drive
you fucking nuts. Yeah, you'd have to be
apologising for him a lot. Yeah, yeah.
Do you know what I mean? If you introduce people to him
for the first time, yes, He got not like he's all right.
Yeah. Don't talk punch stuff.
Producer. Yeah, Yeah.
Don't talk about those things, yeah.
Because he can get a stick, yeah.
Yeah, because he got a big payout, that fella.
Best way to grow steak in the ground?
In the ground already. Not on a tree, no.
In the ground. Did anyone when you were doing
Adam Brooke over the years, did anybody ever come to your show
that really made. Yes, I had several people came,
Yeah. I'm very, very.
Doing the whole thing. Very dare you?
But would anyone be? Here's why.
I tell you why, because next, we had already gone up by the time.
But I'm doing Clive Anderson's panel show.
Oh yeah. Radio 4.
Which panel show you don't know? Talking point or something?
No, that's a get that I don't know.
Oh, the art show. Not the art show.
The ones. Hopefully not art.
Show shit. What's it called?
Front row? No, that's the front row.
Fucking hell. Anyway, I'm doing it in Glasgow,
yeah. Loose ends.
That's the boy, yes. Don't know what it is but I'm
doing it. You're plugging a gig, that's
why you're on it. No, I'm no, I'm already there.
So the gig already have happened.
This is the day after the gig. Oh.
They know I'm in time. Why you don't?
Usually people go on there to plug a gig.
That's what it's for. Well.
I'll probably plug the rest of the tour.
Oh, there you go, the Glasgow date already.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, they were like, we do it.
I said, Yep, love to. They said.
Clive is going to come to your show the old night before.
No, that is really making me nervous.
I should. Because I don't think like,
he'll be in the suit, like he'll be in the suit.
I I would presume so. I've never seen a picture of the
man without a suit. Yeah.
So that's that's going to weird me, but I wondered like for the
years of doing the likes of the fringe and Kilkenny where we
just wrote, I'll talk to you about.
But like, have you ever seen anybody in the audience that's
particularly made you all flip? He or she is in eh, even though
the comic, you know, even even another comic being in the room
as you do your set. I know I don't like it when
comedians are in the room. Jesus, that's.
Yeah, no, that's terrifying. Family members.
Another one don't can't have family anywhere near the
anywhere near the room. And yeah, I had the last tour.
I was in Newry and my aunt, let's slip that a load of my
cousins were coming and I have a big family and they took up two
rows and they sat 3 rows from the front.
Yeah, I know. It went hey, and I went, oh.
The minute I walked on, I thought, you're not.
Usually people do. No, but like they.
Applauded when you went on in the world.
I know they went way they didn't even applaud or anyway, some of
them look like they didn't want to be there.
They were going to fucking her idea and you're mentally you're
going counted up it counted up it.
You. Know what I mean?
Well, this is the show I'm just about to start.
Is I always talk about like what's happening, like currently
in my life, the year I'm doing the tour, whatever.
This first time I'm going way, way back.
So this is story family stories from growing up that I don't
know why I haven't told them until now, but it's the first
time I've ever had that ask. Like the double check, double
check, but then quite a few. Are they old stories about you
or about other people in your family, both that have knew
nothing to do with you? Couple of stories are nothing to
do with me, some that are but but everybody, they're either
dead or they said it was fine. All right, sorry.
Well, so did you tell them exactly what you're going to say
or I said, do you remember that time you said the thing?
Yes. So they don't know that you're
going to go. That's that's the truth.
This is where it's going to end up.
There's a story where my dad nearly killed my uncle OK by
accident and that was the only one.
My dad was like, anyway, that's fine because like, he's been
dead for a certain of many years, man.
Because. But every everyone seems OK.
But but yeah, he would hit the idea that the people you're
talking about would be there. Yeah, well, see, they're gonna.
Not because of what they'll hear, just because you just
wonder what they're thinking of. People get offended.
I hit the fucking new things. That it's stuck on.
The stock on once but I don't it.
I don't get that. The white see if you really see
if you really it's all about attitude.
If you want, you pull that off. Well, that's you can do that
with anything. Just imagine it's a pig.
Yeah, your dad was planning to get your.
Uncle I just wank him the dead. Yeah, pull him inside out.
All right, pay my uncle I, but I don't like when you do pull it
off. You got to do it a certain way
because you don't want to get see that we tag.
Yeah, sometimes you'll get that. And then your lip hits up.
So you if you if you pull it off, yank the whole thing.
Fuck the environment. Yeah, but I'll still bend.
I'll still bend that. I don't get why that's attached
to that. I think because you can recycle
the whole thing. Ah, no, I.
Think that's what it's for. So the whole thing's recyclable.
Yeah, that's what you recycle. So they wanted to keep it
together. I, it was stand up, the idea
that somebody I went to school with would be there not not, not
somebody I knew pretty well because then my brain, what
takes over in my brain is what do you think they do know?
Someone takes over. Do you know what I would pay so
much money? Not that they know this isn't
true. This story that I am telling.
Right now I would pay good money to get like a big book of
everybody I went to school with from primary school right up to
secondary. OK, what do they do?
I want a couple of paragraphs on everybody.
What are they doing? I.
Would have to be a big book. Because that's loads of people.
No, it's the same class. All the way yes, but I want
quite a lot of information on everybody.
I might not I might skim some of them OK, but I want like a
detailed like what? What have you been up?
I don't want to have the conversation, No, I just want
to. Have you been to any reunions?
Have you ever like, has there been a reunion?
Yeah, yes, there was a secondary school one.
I would go to a primary school 1 definitely.
Yeah, OK. Yeah, I could see that.
No, I can understand that because there's a much such a
massive gap. Yeah, yeah.
And I loved premise. I didn't really like school
after premise. I didn't like either.
But I I, I would probably go to that, I think.
But there's never, there's never been one.
Have you? No, I've never been there was
one popped up on somewhere. Photograph must be Facebook or
some sort of social media thing. It popped up and it was from
about maybe a year and a half, two years ago.
I wasn't even invited and umm, loads of people there and I go,
what's wrong? My clothes.
Yeah. You wouldn't have gone.
I wouldn't have gone and. You wanted to be invited so you
could. Yes, but I wasn't sure it was
all that class. I was looking at them and I was
thinking, oh wow. And they were all going hey.
And I thought. Oh, but.
There wasn't, but there wasn't. It looked bad because it was.
They were all wearing either a check shirt, yeah, it's like
short sleeve check shirt or a blue work shirt.
That's what they were all wearing.
All of them were wearing. Lay some of them over the.
Top not even a GLA there wasn't even a GLA right.
Yeah, but yeah, I know what you're thinking yes Patrick.
And it would be Yeah and but no it was just all these men going
away. It looked like a load of oil
fillers and someone had said, who doesn't know where they
live? Yeah, you know, that's.
And I thought, no, they can't be.
That's not my. But you don't.
They look way older than. Me.
I think that too. I think if I was at a reunion of
people I went to school with, I think I would feel younger than
everybody. Yeah.
In terms of even just like the way I dress, Yes.
And all that kind of stuff. Yeah, like, like you, you.
And but the way the way you talk, as well as because we live
in a world where you only deal with media people and other
comedians, which is incredibly juvenile, Yeah.
Even though you're adults and you've got children and you're
married and you've got relationships and all that kind
of thing. Yeah.
Our conversations with work colleagues are entirely fucking
different, right? Yeah.
I go to things from a message. The message is a doctor.
Yeah. And over the years, I used to go
to the odd thing, right, That I'd be invited or allowed to
doctor functions and which sounds like a person and who
looks after your bits. And I beat and whole time I'm
there, I am shitting myself because I know I'm going to have
one drink too many. They are going to tell stories
and they're sometimes and she doesn't sometimes maybe know
these people that well or not people she meant to call it.
They're just, you know, colleagues.
I hate that word colleagues. And they would tell a story and
then everybody goes and I'm going, I don't know why it's
funny. And then I go, how do you think
that's embarrassing? What do you hear this?
And then I'll come out with like, tell you what?
I does anyone here ever stood in their own shit?
Seriously, anybody and nobody. Everybody goes.
And then I go because here when you hear what happened to me and
I launch into it. And then because you think you
can do that to real to real people.
They're normal people, just the real people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the type of stuff
that, yes, we, we, we will tell stories to each other about
completely humiliating things. Yeah.
And the complete strangers, Yeah.
And we think this is normal behaviour.
Yeah, I don't, I don't feel when I take my kids to soft play, I'm
in with them. I'm running about that.
I I. Revert back to yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm. Playing because I see parents my
age and younger who will sit with a book.
You know, they see that as their time to sit with.
They talk to other parents and I go, what are you talking about?
Did you ever do that? I yeah, I always do.
Not when you see groups of people together like, yes, all
they're like. We've had a tough quarter,
grown-ups. Yes, and they're work
colleagues, Yes, under certain chat, but you know, they don't
really know each other. Yes, yes.
And you know what? An airport is really good place
for it in hotels. And you're staying in hotels and
you see people and they're having meetings and after the
meeting they have a bit of a, you know, a bit of a yes, cooled
on a Pearl drink. Yeah.
And they're talking and they're, I want to join the conversation
just to see. What are you fucking?
Talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why? It's like Christians, right?
It's like born again Christians. I want to know what they're
saying to each other that they laugh so much.
Are they looking over at me, going look at him?
Doesn't even believe in God. Such a heathen.
Like Ezekiel 414. Oh, you shut up.
Yeah, set me off again. It's what are they talking
about. But that's the benefit of tech
talk nowadays. You can see what they're talking
about. What Christians are in tech
talk? Oh, they love it.
Do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what are they doing to make each other they'll?
Just get into like, Oh, well, you know, they might go to like
festivals, like Christian festivals, and they'll just like
music. Festivals.
Yeah, BBQ to be far. The setup usually looks dastly.
Would be yeah, yeah, waste all the money and drink.
And I don't know, I think they're, they're, they're not
really like, they're not in the loads of stuff.
They just like the Lord and a game of Frisbee.
They love Frisbee Christians. Love a bit of frisbee, massive
frisbee and bowling. Yeah, I can see that I do.
The Love, The Love. 10 pin bowling mad for 10 pin bowling.
Have you ever noticed that if you good up all it's either
Christians or guys that work in Chinese restaurants?
That's what it is. Used to be a whole league used
to run in Belfast. All the guys, the Chinese
restaurants would come in on Sunday evening and play ball.
That is a movie we need to make of the the Chinese restaurant
case versus the Christians of Belfast and I get it heats up
you. Know.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just just tech talk now
that that's a huge the algorithm of throws up for me that it says
I like is 90s football. So you'll get I'll get like a
compilation of Georgie King classy.
And then I will get local Christian beef because people
will be. Local Christian beef.
People will be they'll be out there, you know, the usual like
walking down Royal Ave be like, you know, you need to be see
people need to be saved and talking about just how great it
is. And then you'll get people
commenting under that being like gay.
And then they will come back to that, you know, And then because
that's the thing, people make videos replying to comments.
So I I put up a standard. I don't.
See it all so I. Put up a standard.
If I went on TikTok the police would be at the door.
I'm of that age. If we put up a clip of the
podcast and you write shite under, we can make a video with
that comment. So you see the comment, Colin
Murphy shite, and then we're like, well, this is a problem
people, you know, So what tech talk does very well is it just
creates content because then someone can reply to your video.
Of the video. So it just never ends.
It never ends. And the whole Christian things
massive and you basically have tech talk, movement of people,
Christians in Belfast and then the people who hit that are
going against them and it's just, and meanwhile I'm a loser
and just sitting at home watching it.
And then the algorithm thinks this is what you love.
Yeah, it thinks I love that. That's a lot of not tech talk.
I don't like the idea of that it.
I don't, I don't. I dropped X or Twitter, whatever
it is to drop all of that stuff Instagrams only want to do.
I yeah, I just use X for football news.
That's I, I know you're not football fan, but much of that I
watch much of the day religiously, ironically
religiously every week. And and now it's just YouTube
highlights and I never thought I'd be this guy or I just follow
a couple of journalists on X. That's all.
That's all I read. See I yeah, the Max ohm imagine
hospital. There's a guy somewhere on the
corridor which is in and his and he's an all fuller.
So his ringtones unbelievably fucking low.
Yes right. It's like a great hundred 500
Watt PA, right? And a tilt takes some ages to
answer it right because he's trying to hang the button to
turn it off. You got to open it.
Yeah, it's one of you have to dial it up, Hello.
And then but it's Match of the Day is the theme tune, but the
proper old school match of. The day the polyphonic ring.
The one that I grew up with. Yeah, so it's not the song, it's
a ringtone of the song. No.
What's the actual actual song? Yes, I love that.
He's got that, but it rings every fucking minute.
And 1/2. Do you know how many answer this
quick? How many days are in much of the
day? 1. 72 That's a closure on my new
tour. I've just given it away.
Last time you were in, you were talking about taking a break to
go travel and want some holidays and do Oh yeah, have you done?
That I did went to Was that Barbados?
Yeah, What's that like? The pigs on the beach Is your
pigs on the beach. Pigs on the beach.
No chickens. Oh.
Yeah, so you thought it was. You're like pigs on the big
chickens. Yes, those chickens normal.
Stuff. And is anyone wanking them off?
Roosters. Not harder.
It's hard. It's yeah.
Continue. Very.
Do they do? I mean, do chickens have Dicks?
What's going on down there? They have a.
Cock. Oh, cocks a man chicken.
Yes, the clues in the near. So all our chickens are female.
Hands. Yes, you live in the confron.
What's the difference between a hand and a chicken?
One of them spelled HEN. You've got hands, Roosters,
cocks, chickens. Yeah.
Rooster cock. Then turkeys are getting
involved. The Turkey, yeah, totally
different species, but yeah, I've.
Never seen chickens meat has anyone?
Chickens meat. They're mates with other
chickens. Yeah, they're not mates with
turkeys. And let me ask you a genuine
question. Chickens lay eggs.
Yeah, Hensley eggs, yeah. OK, OK.
If you're going to get pedantic right, Hensley eggs.
I've just found out Hensley. Eggs, yeah.
But what? What is?
What's the diff? What's the difference between
when they lay a child egg and a breakfast egg?
Sometimes there's your child in it, and sometimes there's
there's, there's. Post eggs more than the car
seat. But they how do you know whether
it's going to be a baby chicken or an egg that you eat?
That's the fun of it. When you crack the egg open.
I've no idea. I remember watching a programme
once, but always on children's TV is the scariest fucking thing
I've ever seen in my life. And it was on when we were in
primary school. When I was in primary school,
you'd be there was no TV in the room.
There will be one TV for the whole school, Right.
And it'd be on wheels. Yes.
And I was not. Yeah.
When it was wheeled in, you were going fucking yes.
Yes. Teachers got a hangover.
And so, so we learn on the beach educational TV on BBC Two in the
mornings, right? So there was this documentary on
and I never forget it. And it was about chickens and
eggs and production and all that kind of thing.
I'd love to see it. But this was for kids TV, right?
And what do we do is when all the hens with lay the eggs and
they would hatch, right? So all the Hatch and all the wee
chicks would come along and they would have to wait a wee while
because it's very difficult to, and I quote sex a chicken as you
find it very difficult as it's, it's born.
So you have to wait a wee while. So they wait a couple of weeks
and then they sex it, right. And there's these people and
their and their job is there's a big sort of box full of live
chairs and, and little chicks. And they look at them and they
go. And then they go.
And then they put them in this wee box over here if they're
female, because then they can lay eggs and you can keep them.
And if they're male, they go in this little thing here that cuts
their heads off. And this was on the TV.
This is the weird thing. Good.
Watch this. Yeah.
Educational stuff.
She hardened you. Fucking hardened you.
Well I know hardened you but but why?
Why do they cut their heads 7 minutes?
Why not let them run about? Because they're they're useless
because apparently they're going to have to feed them.
So then they'll grow up and then you just got a lot of cocks run
around the place and they're not going to lay anymore eggs.
That's it. Shit.
I know. So we'd watch this.
We're going to. I know we had.
We've chopped off. I was even at the the generation
when they were still warning you by quicksand.
I get a video will then be like careful you know?
We've been still like a public information film.
Yeah, about quicksand. I remember I was there, an
animated one. I don't know.
I just remember a video on the dangers of quicksand.
They're like do not mess with this.
Have you ever seen quicksand? Nobody's ever.
I was used to be terrified. Quicksand.
Yeah, yeah. Because that was, that was.
Well, it was in Tarzan films, it was in all these sort of jungles
and things. Was always somebody getting
caught in quicksand? And swimming in like a big like
thing of water, you know, climbing up a ladder and jumping
in like a big. Tank, yeah.
Don't do that. You weren't the pool.
Yeah, but you know, they'll be like, don't break into a farm.
And I remember these videos very.
Very well didn't he didn't take much of it in all you saw was
there an absolute form slurry time.
That's why I go somewhere nicely thanks.
No, I don't remember those. There were loads those public
information films always on when there was a break in the in kids
TV to be a public information. Film.
I'd like to go to Barbados and I've never been to a part.
Of the world. Brilliant.
A message used to live there, you see.
And when she's a teenager, she lived there for four years and
as she helped me back. So yeah, it was, yeah.
You know it's not good being that.
Yeah. What do you do during the day
there? I'm mostly stay indoors, right?
Just covered in a blanket. And yeah, it's spontaneously
combusted if we go outside. But no, it was lovely.
It was really, really good. Is it all that like white?
Some crystal Clearwater. Or sea turtles you're scriming
around and the next thing a sea turtle just pops up the side,
yeah, and goes holy fuck and takes off again and the more a
eagles and all that sort of things and what are they called?
The Barracuda Grip on loads, Barracuda flying around and eat
those. Delicious.
On is the food Unbelievable. Food was seafood.
Yeah. Well, that was.
Yeah. You like it then?
I've. Taken a turtle and grilled them
up. I just, yeah, I don't think
you're allowed to do that. Yeah, it was.
Yeah. Food was good.
Yeah, it was. Yeah.
Seafood good. And oh, it's one from here.
Used to be direct the playing games.
She was BBC just director and she retired and has has married
a guy from there and that's where she lives.
No Oh class. So she's living out there and he
has got a little seafood shack that sells.
I promise I've just about asked. On the beach.
Like fish tacos and all that's. Exactly what he sells.
And yeah, on a beach in an out of an old disused fishing
troller. Did you get that FOC?
FOC free of charge. Oh, I did I.
Love that? Bottles of glass, bottles of
Coke. No, no, no, she makes her own
rum punch. Oh yeah, some run punch in it.
Plus I still can't get over Tim McGarry tell him I see Jets jet
skied when he was out there like rat rent free in my head.
I know jet ski, but it's the idea of him like topless and a
pair of speedos. Yeah, on a jet ski.
I think when he takes off his blazer and tie knot, there's
like another suit underneath. Yeah, that was that was insane.
Oh yeah. You're going on tour at the
start of 2025. 2025 January in 25th.
You're going any places you've never been before.
Umm, I'm going to someplace I'm not going to.
Some places have been before. I should have done that.
Yeah, I highly recommend it. Yeah.
Yeah, there's a couple of places we might need to.
Yeah, scale up back, Yeah, yeah. And they, they said to me like
it was a bad thing. They're like lesson in this 400
Cup where you've sold A-Team, Yeah, when I'm so sorry, we
might need to move out to a bigger room.
I was like, I'm begging you, move to a smaller room.
Shout out to Cardiff. To where?
Cardiff. Cardiff.
Oh, I should learn a lesson. Last year.
By the way, I was a great Tom Jones, whether you meant it.
Or not. Oh.
I went. I went last year and didn't sell
many tickets. OK.
And you're going back? Yeah.
And it's not so many tickets. So I think it's.
More. Is it more meant less tickets
than last year or less less tickets?
It's probably more the stage, but it's still not enough.
I sold 18. OK, I was for.
That's not going to cover the ferry.
Nope, William. Thompson for him.
So. So I shouldn't do, but I feel
like I'm doing a despite to the city of Cardiff now, right?
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You think I'll just go away and I'll come back here on tour?
I'll come back. I did.
Is it Nadley? Yeah, yeah, I did the Glee one
night and just a club night yeah thing.
And I said oh it's an act coming on.
Is it alright if they go on before you just, you know, OK,
so I'm supposed to be closing and I said what's it for?
And says oh, they're filming. We think so.
They're just doing like 5 minutes on there.
But most of it's backstage are going to be chatting to some of
the people in the show. And it was Rob Bryden in Cardiff
and fuck, he did 5 minutes and he did 20 minutes.
Finished with fucking Tom Jones. The whole thing.
Every reason, yeah, screaming shot and strong things and then
I'm on right? They did not give 2 flying
fucks. I hit them.
So Cardiff, Yeah, Yeah. If he if they want to do that,
I'll take it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
More tickets. Yeah, and they didn't even know
he was on. It was a surprise as well.
It's what it's such a disheartening one last year
because I was like this, this is this could be a great room.
I looked at this beautiful. I bet you this place script.
But tonight we're cosy. But no, I'm doing it.
We're going to we're going to be scale a little bit, but I can't
have no way of note. Like sometimes a promoter will
go, Oh, you'll this is they taught me out of booking the
principalities. That's where I might go and see
Oasis. I won't see Oasis anywhere.
Are you going to do the tickets thing?
Yeah, I'll go anywhere. Have you done the I saw them?
Williams done it the the ballot. Yeah.
The SO. On the ballot, that means you
can get a ticket for any of the gigs.
I think so. OK, million tickets for the
ballot, Germany like so they have a maximum of a million
they'll sell to people that have entered the ballot and someone
told me 8 million people have entered so far.
But you have to pay the full price when if you get chosen,
there's no, there's no ticket. You know that.
I think they're what I'm open is they just.
How much are the tickets? When they announced that I was
like, what's crazy? Like £75?
But they could have charged anything for this.
Yeah, so it's actually not terrible, but that's starting at
£75. But I think I'd like to go.
Obviously Cruel Park is my preference, but I think
Murrayfield and Edinburgh be pretty good as well.
Umm. Well, I wouldn't touch
Manchester. I think it'll be.
On the carnage, yeah, and it'll be.
And London, I think will be too nice.
Yeah, too civil. Like there's a, there's a line.
Yeah, Scotland would be good. Yeah, Cropark would be good,
yeah. And the other one was Cardiff,
yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
At the principality I went to, I saw them in 90 whatever
supporting U2, not Zeropeter. We were Amazon holidays in
California and it was the first thing I ever bought online,
right were tickets to go and see that gig, and it was only going
because we just were playing. It wasn't that.
And what kind of venue? In a baseball stadium was good
open stadium in California and put it all online and a dial up
and I thought this isn't going to work and then turned on there
was the stall was called will call.
That's what it was called. So right, you know I will call
and collect the tickets. So just we hatch the woman we
wouldn't think and I get tickets that are booked but the name
there you go. I don't know if it worked.
We live in the future jet cars and then yeah, we're right up
the top and they were on broad daylight and they didn't get any
lights. They got park all and the sound
was good. And nobody cared, right?
The only people who care were down on the stadium, at the
front, yes, on the flat, on the field.
But all the people in the bleachers around us, they were
all Americans and didn't know who they were, didn't give.
A shit I would like, it won't happen but I would love it if
they did like some secret intimate shows to just get back.
Like imagine that in the Limelight 1 where they played
before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes,
it's in line when you see there could because there's there's
history there you see. Yeah, yeah, that's where playing
when they got number. One they just brought out, I
think it's. Definitely.
Maybe. Was it?
Yeah, but I think it's they they released, it might be like
Supersonic or something as a single live from the limelight.
They just brought that out on there, like Spotify and all that
kind of stuff. Oh, so I never know.
I would love that. Yeah, I pretty sure these aren't
going to happen. I'm pretty sure think they're
going to sell all these tickets and then Liam's going to go fuck
off and that's that's going to be it.
But I think. Yeah, I think no one's going
through a divorce. So I think that's because for
years he's like, no, no, no way. And then it's like we're back.
But they're going. To announce I think three more
crew parks people are telling me.
Yeah, 5 It'll be all of them. Did they ever get big in
America? I think they'd be big.
They'd be bigger now than they ever were in America because
they did like an MTV Unplugged, which is brilliant.
Nirvana did the iconic one, but they did one of those.
I think they were big. I think they just probably
didn't spend enough time that that's when you actually would
have needed to have been there probably as opposed to social
media and all that kind of stuff.
I don't know if I could be. I saw them the first time
around. It was good.
Not that you know, but that was before they brought that shitty
last album and I went. To see Noel Gallagher's high
flying birds in the SSC, why did you do that?
And a guy free ticked and a guy sat beside us were up quite high
and he's by himself and he had binoculars and a notepad with
him and he sat down beside me and my mate Lawrence and I said
I think he is here for some sort of spectacular bird show, Noel
Gallagher's High Flying Birds. I said don't rule out the fact
that this guy thinks that this is some sort of live bird show
and he. Was like after every song he
pulls out a pigeon, let's it go and he has to identify at all.
Lawrence goes, no, that obviously won't be the case.
I went, I'm telling you, he's by himself and he's got binoculars
and he's bossing. And Noel Gallagher came out,
maybe had done 2 songs and the guy started going and by about
the third or fourth song he was ripping and left and I went.
He thought he was coming to see and that haunts my dreams and
God loved that man. We I went to see Pet Shop Boys.
Oh, that was brilliant. Were you there?
No, I just love the Pet Shop Boys.
Brilliant. And So what was this in in.
Oh, I see. Yeah yeah, right.
Recently and umm, weirdest collection of people I've.
Ever seen? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In my life, yeah. And a lot of people, obviously
big fans from first time round, unnerving number of people on
rule leaders, right? Yeah.
And various types of walking aids and you're thinking
fucking. And then lots of younger ones as
well. Lots of young people.
And I was just weird family that we were son watching before we
went into the you know, because there was some fucking house DJ
thing that probably plan a rerun of your show and going on and I
can't be asked for that. So we outside having a wee drink
and this family and exactly what you're saying.
I'm thinking they think this is some sort of pet show because
they were all wearing, you know, anoraks.
Yeah. Yeah.
And they're very. I'm not still on.
I don't mean to say this again, but I'm not having a go at
people who are born again Christians.
But that's exactly what they look like.
They look like very straight list people.
Very, very sensible straight list.
Lovely. But, you know, don't like to
take a risk kind of people. Yeah.
And they're wearing like these Cagles and and they're all
zipped up and was all class and Birkenstocks and the whole
fucking thing and had sandwiches with them wrapped up in tenfold.
Tenfold. I was thinking.
The daughter was about maybe 22
and the mom and dad were sort of roughly sort of my age and all
hair over and yeah. And type of people that call
each other mother and father. Yeah, in front of the children,
and even the children aren't there, call each other mother
and father. The weirdest thing?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
I imagine they do it during sex. Yes.
It's that's, that's, that's, that's lovely, mother.
That's that's very lovely, which is kind of unnerving thing to
say and oh, mother, I've just come and it's just and thank
you, father. It's that's not the first time
that's been heard. And it's.
Yeah. And I just genuinely thought
exactly the same thing. I thought they think this is
some sort of exhibition. Now, who's weirder in that
situation? Them for bringing Tim for
sandwiches? Are you looking at them for 20
minutes thinking of them? Oh, I do all of each other
Mother and. Fire.
I have whole scenarios about people's lives.
With the patio boys good. Brilliant do.
You want to hear my impression? Oh, go, go.
He's 70, by the way. He was 70, about two weeks after
the after the gig, and his voice was amazing.
So I'll do like the West End girls better.
The verse and then the chorus. OK.
Don't do the rapid bit, the east one.
Awkward when people do impressions to your face.
No, OK. Sometimes you're better off
dead. There's a gun in your hand
that's pointed your head. You think you're mad, right?
That I could keep doing that. But then this is and this is
those people go, oh, it's James Blunt.
They're similar OK in a West End town, a dad and Wild, the East
End boys and West End girls. That is very good guys, very
good and definitely a James Blunt thing in there.
It's James Blunt doing the patio, boys.
It is. You're beautiful.
It's true. You know there's a better
crossover. Yes, that's, but it's a.
Good, Neil down and. Yeah, you need to take it down
when you're not with the, you know.
It's the same as my favourite patio boys.
What do you mean take it down like Tom White in the camp?
You Sam 2. To camp.
It's to you're saying my Pet Shop Boys impression is to come?
In town it's a bit more butcher than that.
Sometimes you're better off dead.
No, that's just creepy. Sometimes you're better off
dead. Is that what your dad rang?
Rang your uncle? You're better off dead.
I have free tickets, won't see the Scissor Sisters.
And by the way, this isn't like industry free tickets.
This is like someone in the street had them.
I mean, my mate John went to see the Scissor Sisters.
Yeah, for one of the best concert I've been to my life.
It's brilliant, really. In the waterfront.
Scissor Sisters. Yeah, it's great.
You think that then you will see them.
You're like this. Great.
Well, yeah, that was like patch up boys, because, friend, I went
years ago and years and years and years ago, he said.
The show is made and the whole, the dancers, the whole light
show, everything, the props, it's all it is a show.
It was really, really, really, really good.
Because I did it during the Fringe one year.
I was booked to do a show and it was in a gay bar in Edinburgh
and it was all just like bears. It was all just guys, big gay
guys. And the set was not going great.
I was do 7 minutes, 6 minutes and I went, you just want me to
do West End Girls for the Pet Shop Boys and they're like, yes,
I did it and I'd fucking care. Swam out there in a river, a
spunk. Unbelievable.
It's great. But did you have to keep doing
the punch up or did you go back to material advice?
Then you do another picture. I did 6 minutes of not of the
seven minutes set of material and then I was like, this isn't
going to work, but I know what will.
And it worked. The what, what sort of starts?
Where do you? Where's your first 32?
And Palomina bread. The bread.
I love the bread. That's brilliant.
Do all this weird thing about the you can't get them ball.
I mean, they're 2. Yes, exactly.
But they're brilliant, they're great.
The chat, the talk, they're not inhibited.
A. Hidden gem place in Larne called
the reading room. The reading rooms.
All right. It's in a St Columns hall, OK,
it's called and and it's like an old theatre.
So we did it for a charity show for Action Cancer and they went
there less than like this venues from using years.
It's all. But it's beautiful.
It's wood. It's like.
Wooden benches, tiered seating. Yeah, Oh.
And has a small stage and you can get like 350 into it and it
is out of this world it's brilliant.
So I went I did a work in progress show there yeah brought
a couple of people with me and it's unreal.
So I'm just going to start I'm I'm not the matter.
I'm telling everyone, well that that.
Will replace the place that I'm not playing in this year.
I'm from there. What?
Why? Because I used to do videos as.
Which Lauren, in general, The theatre.
Which the old, the one in the swim pool?
McNeil Theatre. Yeah, that's what I'm not doing.
Right, yeah, because I used to take the piss out of Lauren when
I did a My N Dying character. Every punchline was Lauren.
And then we couldn't get a date for a year.
Maybe I'm wrong, but we couldn't for the last like three years.
We could never get a date to play there.
They're like we're booked up. And I was like, let me tell you
right now, you're not Cirque du Soleil, aren't aren't taking a
residency. But we used to take a piss out
all the time on on blame game. Yes, because you know, it's
easy. And by the way, it's other
people that like get pissed off with that.
See, when I've done these couple of gigs on Lauren, the only
thing they want to hear outside your material is you take and
they do that themselves. Yeah, yeah, because they're not
fucking blind. Yeah, yeah.
They're McDonald's. They know where they live.
Unbelievable. It's a new McDonald's.
So what I can't stand in in all those Mickey D's is that massive
fucking iPhone that they've got and everybody touches it when
they order. Nice, gross.
It's not the most making thing. They're all there and they're
going, what do you want? I'm going to have that, not we
had that, that, that and then they go over and then get their
food with all the hands that have been touching their fucking
Mickey's not been on and there's no sanitizers doing on.
You think the COVID ever happened?
Did you ever hear everything? Yeah, I can't.
I can't go anywhere near it makes me walking in the place I
just. You'll just order at the kind
of. Old.
I won't go in it. I don't.
Yeah, but it's great. So kicking off from balmy
braids. Great.
Braid is brilliant. They're really good.
They can't there's you can't bring your drink and anything
but those theatres do that. Can't bring your drinking Yeah
and yeah no braids. Brilliant.
I was in Balmy last night, actually doing a gig with, for a
Party, Maggie. Yeah, and from Page.
Very good. And yeah, they're an instraband,
so I'm getting the two hard ones out of the way first.
Ali, Ali. Yeah, Ali Theatre.
Yeah, yeah, it was. It was a bit low in numbers last
time. Well, I once had to do.
Don't know why it's always sold every other.
Year I did it like five years ago Ali Theatre and then moved
it in the basically went you want to do in the foyer would
not sold tickets and I went yes, I'm 100% fine with that.
It was actually great. There's a guy standing at the
window for the whole show just like this.
Message me after like let bread as much that is good.
You stood there outside trying to liberate a £12 ticket.
Well, we'll let you in for. Free was in the winter was in
the summer. Was it somewhere between?
It was like September, October. Yeah, I do it at the same time
every year, but next, next year I'm going to change it up.
What are you doing? I'll just take a longer break
after this tour and tour a different time of year the year
after that. Yeah.
Because just the same time every year.
So I just want to. I know.
Yeah, I do shake it up a bit. It's see, I like to after
Christmas because then people who can't think of Christmas
presents for awkward people, such as brothers who are a
nightmare to buy Christmas presents for uncles.
Not a problem for your dad and you know, but they're awkward
people that comedy tickets. Yeah, they're perfect thing.
And what, what, what Belfast show you know?
Opera House, because it is the first time, last tour under the
three of the best games ever had my life.
It's just genuinely the most fun, most brilliant.
The room, the noise you get back just.
Yeah. Everybody in the audience that I
spoke to was gold. Yeah.
So it was unbelievable. Because I was a.
Blind guy in a bright red suit with a white cane and dark
glasses that slagged off a mime. I did.
I was like, how fucking blind are you?
He says. That's it.
I won't take that. I'm going to drive home, say he
was just brilliant. It's a it's the best.
I'll Bruce. Yeah, so, so good.
It was some three nights in there.
But that January. And February 27th, 28th and then
the 1st of March. OK, we'll do do one in January
as well. And then meantime, you're just
going to be watching reality TV people are looking for.
You. Yeah, you'll find me watching
drunk watching reruns of First Dates.
Or time to. Or time to or or or Google Box
be all the favourite. Oh no.
Yeah, I. Don't have time to watch TV?
Never mind people watching watching people watch TV.
That's very good. Any business I've got a plug or
promote at the end of the pod? No, just jump Patreon if you're
still around. Bigjohn.com search TV podcast
complex million as always for. Thank you very much.