I'm Michael Che and I'm Colin Jose, and we've got a little
secret. Actually, it's a pretty big
secret. Well, now you got to give the
people something. I'm not saying a word.
Oh, then people will know to tune in.
Come on, tell them a little like how we're hosting of comedy
events streaming only on Peacock.
Exactly how it's called New York After dark.
And it's a comedy show that only features drop in comic boom, you
nail into Michael Chase phone numbers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, New York After Dark.
It's some kind of comedy thing, and it's streaming now only on
Peacock. You love it.
Everybody, welcome to this week's episode of Tea With Me, a
very, very, very DIY episode that I recorded in my house all
by myself, age 31 1/2 years old. In this podcast.
At the very start I start talking about how you know I'm
recording the episode video. I give a bit of a tour of my
office. The GoPro cuts off halfway
through. So there is no video podcast
this week. But enjoy me being an idiot
saying you're going to be able to see this.
I'm not and then just. Realise that I was sitting with
a GoPro the whole time but wasn't recording, so that's so
much fun. But thanks for listening to this
week's episode. Here it is, tea with me with
Shin Todd zippers. Welcome to this week's episode
of the Tea with Me podcast with me, she and Todd.
Let's get right at it because I know people are freaking out and
they need two things. They need a wee cup of tea and
they need this guy in the rears. OK.
And like a wee eerie wig. I'm in your ear.
And are eerie wigs still a thing?
I don't think so. But were they really, really
popular in the mid 90s? Yes.
And that everyone's grand Always tell you to watch out for eerie
wigs. Yes.
And that was just a thing and it was a more simple time.
And Speaking of times, we're in very uncertain times right now.
But one thing is for certain, I have converted my the box room
in my house into what we're calling the Dream factory.
Look around if you if you don't watch the video version of the
podcast on YouTube, my YouTube channel.
Just let's see what we've got going on here.
And yes, this is going to be a very DIY episode of the podcast.
But look around here. We've got a green screen because
we're going to be doing some sketches in the next couple of
days and weeks years. I've got shelves behind me with
just so much stuff. Let me let me give you a little
audio on video tour basically for a reason which I will tell
you later on. This room was my kind of Home
Office for so long and then it stopped being that about a week
ago. I put a lot of work in to
convert it into a different room and now I've had to convert it
back into this room. So it's all go.
But basically I've got this leather sofa.
Any time I post this in pictures, people keep saying I
recognise that mate. Casting Coach, listen, this is
my sofa, OK? It is not the sofa they use in
Casting Coach. And I don't even know what that
is. I don't even know what that is.
But I've got a green screen here, I've got wee shelves
behind me with all different stuff, have a couple of football
medals. I mean, they're not for any
individual thing really. It's more just mainly being part
of a team of charity tournaments.
The ball and door there, I've got an African drum.
If you see me playing that African drum and some videos,
you'll know I've run out of stuff to do.
All right, you'll know I've run out of videos If I'm like, let
me play. Can you feel the love tonight
via African signed. I've got a tea with me mug up
there, But those aren't they're not official merch, all right,
That's just part of the black market merch of the show.
But eventually we will have tea with me mugs.
I've got an Oakland Raiders American football helmet, like a
wee mini one. I've got a doll of a basketball
player called Glenn Rice. And I don't really know why I
have that, but I got it on a family holiday to Disney once
and I like it. And then I've just got various
camera equipment and stuff like that behind me that I do not
know how to use. Also, if you're watching the
video version, you can appreciate that right now I'm
wearing some Peppa Pig pyjama bottoms, some ankle socks, and a
blue hoodie. Because in times like this, we
wear what we want. OK, I finally get to be me.
I mean, Fast forward to next week's podcast where I will be
wearing leather chops, a boob tube, and a porn necklace like
man, Harry Styles. But yeah, it's, it's a very,
it's obviously a very DIY episode of T with me.
Let's get down to the T admin. All right, let's get down to the
T admin. Because let's face it, that's
why we're all here. I have got a standard grey mug
this week and that's not to reflect the national mood.
That is because this is my favourite mug now.
A lot of people probably thought my favourite mug would be maybe
a football mug or, you know, some sort of collectible thing,
something with a bit, with a bit of flare, a bit of panache.
Turns out it's just this one. And I'm going to have a lovely
sip right now. And that's delicious.
And some people will be going, man, can you please not swallow
on the podcast, Hey. Tell your mom not this.
So here we are, Tea with me episode.
Is it maybe six or seven? Yes, something like that.
And I'm in the house and we're going to be in the house for a
good few more of these. I like it.
I like doing this. It definitely took me like a few
goals to get to get it because I am just in the house.
And when you're in the studio, you're like in work mode.
But then because I'm in the house, I'm also thinking about
potato waffles. I'm thinking about, you know,
goosebump books that I read when I was a kid and how you never
said you were scared by them, but secretly you actually were
scared by them. And just a host of distractions.
But we're here. I've got to tell you this as
well before I start, so I'm not. Tech savvy, right?
And all my friends will know that like whenever I'm filming
with Michael Foster, Aaron Butler, all those guys, the way
I can always get them to edit something quicker is threatened
to edit myself or shoot something myself.
They'll go, no, no, no, no, no, don't worry.
We'll do it. We'll do it.
And that's mental because I literally studied this in tech
like film making and all that kind of stuff.
But I don't know what I'm doing. And a lot of people watching
this will go, We totally see that.
I don't even know what this microphone I have in my hand is,
but I have it. And what's crazier than that is
I have a proper podcast microphone sitting behind me,
but I didn't know how to figure out using it.
And this is just the way it's going to be.
I've got my GoPro and we're having a good time.
So my plan is to do two podcasts a week and hopefully the Boy
time podcast as well. But we need to figure out a way
we can do that remotely. And spoiler alert, Dave Elliott
is also a fucking idiot when it comes to tech as well.
But we will eventually, eventually figure that out.
And then I'm going to do sketches because like I'm full
time at this and that'll surprise a lot of people go how
the fuck can you be full time at this?
I'm full time a comedy. So to sort of go into my
situation like we, we are kind of in this house, me and my wife
on a wee bit of a lockdown, a kind of self-imposed lockdown.
Me having Crohn's disease means that I can park right outside
Tesco's. It doesn't mean that OK, I don't
have a blue badge, but I still do it anyway.
I don't I park in the modern baby sometime.
I've done it once and it's not the worst thing in the world,
but I actually don't. I hate people that do that, but
I have done it maybe once, but only when it's raining, you know
what I mean? So we kind of are on lockdown.
We think we are going to be for at least six weeks, something
like that, maybe more. I'm not self isolating, but I
mean, to be honest, and by the way, this podcast is going to be
rambling this week. Being self-employed is self
isolating. You know, I kind of work by
myself most of the day and and so I'm always just sitting in
the house, you know, make it making my own fun kinda but but
now I am going to be doing way more in the house and I'm kinda.
I'm. Trying to see the positives in
it all because I reckon by the end of all this, and I'm not
going to talk much at all today in this podcast about
coronavirus and all that kind of thing, because I'm seeing so
much about it. But I actually think at the end
of all this, although it is such a like it's an epidemic or
whatever, which I think it really is, I think there will be
positives to come out of it as well.
You know, just in terms of in such a terrible situation, I
think there will be a bit of light in it, like our
relationships, the way we sort of treat each other.
I don't know, I just think they'll be, they'll be cool
stuff and people will be making a tonne of content and comedians
like me will be putting videos out left, right and centre.
So I'm just figuring out how many I do a day, what the best
way to shoot them is and all that kind of thing.
But the podcast is still going to be here because, I mean,
coronavirus came at a very, very awkward time for my podcast.
Very inconvenient, very inconsiderate.
Some might call it sly. Well, we're just getting into
the groove of the TME podcast. We're putting them out there.
We go into the UK podcast charts where we go in top ten, I say
top 10137, OK. But people are still absolutely
buzzing about it. It virtually ends the troubles.
People are like, Oh my God, you're 137.
The podcast charts and it's just me, Dan and Big Mike Guinness
studio and we're killing it and we're drinking the tea and look,
the tea bag companies are fighting over us.
Tetley coming in with a mill week, Panjana double it.
The EPG tips monkey is like me, whatever you need.
And he winks at me and he goes whatever you need.
And I was like, I don't know what you're implying there, but
I don't want it. And then fucking COVID, who, by
the way, sounds like the way people are talking about COVID,
he sounds like an international student at a uni that everyone
fucking hates. That's just the way people are
like fucking fucking COVID, mate.
And Covid's like guys apologise, you know, but it's, it's common
or not. It's an inconvenient time for
the podcast for coronavirus to to have had.
And I'm just going to be honest about it.
I think could it could it potentially be a sabotage from
other TBS podcasts? Yes.
OK, let's not rule that out. I got I got a text message.
By the way, getting text messages now is the same way you
got them whenever you were like 14 or 15.
When you just get a phone, you're buzzing to get a text.
You're like, who has text me? You know, And then it's just all
the WhatsApp groups you're in and you're just waiting for the
most intelligent person in the WhatsApp groups you're in
telling you information and then you go.
That's what I'm going to take as gospel because it's been said by
the least stupid person in my WhatsApp group.
But look, we are kind of in lockdown.
What we're trying to do is have like a routine, you know.
So by the way, it's only been two or three days, but already
I'm like, yeah, I'm on the best thing to do is get a routine.
You know, my experience of these lockdowns, get a routine.
That's the number one thing. But but yeah, we're just going
out to do nature things. Yesterday went to the beach and
there was absolutely nobody there.
And it was great. It was raining, but I was like,
this is actually lovely, you know?
And it was in times like this as well.
I want everyone to remember that there is a shop in Belfast
called JoJo Mamambebe and whenever you're feeling down,
whenever you go, I don't know what's happening here because it
is such a time of uncertainty. I want you to just remember that
on the Lisburn Rd, amongst shops with normal names like Moulds,
there is a shop that is so unnecessarily called JoJo My Mom
Baby. And I want you to think whenever
you're going through a bit of a rough time in the next couple of
weeks, months, whatever, I want you to just imagine the people
that work there, whenever they answer the phone, they have to
say hello, how's it going? This is JoJo My Mom Baby.
And that will always make you feel better because it doesn't
need to be called that. It's in Belfast, you know, And I
also want you to picture people saying it.
We need a caught here. Must take a race up to that JoJo
Mama baby. So that, I mean, that's what I
do. If I'm like, I don't know what's
happening. I just think of that and it's
all good. She's your Mama baby.
I mean, it's cool if it's called that in Paris.
I must nip over. I mean, OK, one thing we need to
do in in lockdown is find out if people in France say nip over or
is that just our thing? Bonjour, I'm going to nip over
to the shop. It's one thing worth finding
out. But I mean, if they're saying it
there, I must go to it works. You get a fellow from Lisburn
taking a message up here. I've got some vouchers for JoJo
and my mom baby. Always enjoyable.
Yes, we're on a bit of a lock down here and a big reason for
that is that there are two of us in this house.
But there will in not that long the time be 3.
And I think, you know maybe what I'm saying here.
But yeah, we have to take extra precautions because there's
going to soon be somebody else in the house and some people are
probably going, is someone coming over for lunch?
No, I mean, we are or having our own baby, OK, So we have to take
extra precautions. Some people might notice I'm
wearing dally pig pyjama bottoms and I got those at Christmas
because I'm going to be a daddy and 99% of people are going, Oh
my God, that is so cute. And there's some people that are
going, oh mate, you're such a loser.
And I'm OK with both of those things because it's, it's the
best thing ever. It's the best thing ever.
And even though we don't know what's happening with anything,
you know, we don't know what's happening in the hospitals and
all that. And we've got things we need to
get to, We've got appointments we need to get to, but we'll
just, we'll just make it all work.
And then that that's kind of crazy as well, that, I mean,
it's the most crazy thing ever to happen to me that, you know,
I'm going to be, I'm going to be somebody's dad because I'm not
really what people think about when they say someone's father.
You know, like if you're in a bit of a fight and you say to
someone, my dad's coming around to sort this out.
What you don't picture is little Lord Fauntleroy here coming
around to sort it out, hands on hips.
Hey, what's going on here? You know, I'm not like if my
child is older and it's having sleepovers with like school
friends and then the school friends as their parents, are we
allowed to stay at, you know this kids house?
Then the parents go, I'll need to speak to their parents.
If I then arrive around the parents will go.
I said get his dad, not one of his other we mates.
I'll always have to be like I'm not your child's other friend
from school. I'm its parent, you know, so
it's just weird. It's weird that I'm going to be
a die, but it just is. It just is happening and I.
Probably will talk about it. In, in podcasts and stuff in the
next while. But you know, I, I, I do like to
keep a lot of that stuff private, but it kind of makes
sense to talk about it because it describes why we're maybe,
maybe even. Sorry, my phone's.
Dave Elliott, my, my other son. It just makes sense to kind of
talk about it because it's such a big part of what's going on
with me at the minute. And also, I'm 1000 out of 1000
excited about it. And have I cried at every scan?
Yes. I even cry when people are just
scanning things in general. You know, sometimes I just hang
about in local libraries, you know, when some guy is scanning
a Finance Report, you know, for his taxes.
I'm just in tears with my hand. This back on man, I'm so proud
of you. But I do cry.
I do cry at every single milestone type thing.
Scan No, got the news cried OK, just just completely cried.
Like like completely like it was.
If I had no bones in my body, I just like I just went totally
limp and then I'd sit down for a while.
But every scan, everything. We also bought some like because
we don't know the gender yet. So we bought some baby clothes,
like just like one or two wee things when we didn't quite
demean to buy that. And when we bought them, I
cried. And then when we got them home
and I hung them up beside all my clothes, I cried and I always
cry and I'm a crier and probably I might already have had a
little bit of coronavirus, but I've cried it out.
So that's what I would recommend people do if you, if you start
obviously not me saying that there will be 114 year old guy
going. Is it me?
Is that what you do? I I can get it then.
I just need the garden. But yes, so that is a big, big
thing at the minute. So that combined with the fact
that because I've got to make it about myself as well, I have
Crohn's disease. Guys, I don't know if I
mentioned it. But I've got Crohn's disease,
but I'm just running about like some sort of hero anyway.
So we are going to be that fun. And we you know, what's funny is
they'll also be 12 people watching this going.
He's having a child. I thought he.
Was. No, he's not all right, you
know. But hold on, let me have
another. Let me have another sip of tea.
Also, it's going to be difficult doing stand up when this whole
coronavirus thing ends because I don't want to do anything down
the line other than get fun novelty outfits from me and my
child and dress us both up and do photo shoots.
That's what I want to do full time like that.
I mean, there is money to be made there definitely, you know,
but. But yeah, it's so that so so
that's that. So that's my news, guys.
OK. So I hope in this time of
uncertainty we can all go mate. Fair play to you, Big Daddy Peg
himself. So yeah, that's great.
The the not great thing is there's no gigs for so long.
And I get that there's way more important things in the world
than stand up gigs. You know, that definitely gets
put into perspective. But it's just funny that I have
all this energy for like, I'm so used to just going to being able
to perform and I know I just can't go and do that.
So I'm just running about trying to do gigs to people, but in a
roundabout way. So I'm not making it seem like a
gig, you know, but if like, kids from next door kick the ball
into my garden and like, you just want your ball back.
Yeah, yeah. All right, well, let me run some
new material by you guys. Funny thing happened to me this
week. And they're like, fuck off.
I go, hey, cut it out because I'm going to be a father myself,
you know, totally irrelevant. I mean, I'm just telling people
that I'm going to be a dad in situations that don't merit it.
You know, some guy, some guy walking at the street or I meet
you at the time when you're there.
Yeah. The time is fatherhood.
OK? Fucking time is a decade. 1:15 I
wrote down a wee list of a load of things that I want to talk
about, but as always, I'm probably not going to get
through them all. I've got a load of questions
from last week on Twitter and Instagram that I'm going to get
through. Before I do that, let me just
mention something really quick, which is going to be kind of
important to me in the next while, and that is we have a
Patreon for the Tea With Me podcast.
Let me bring it up here. Patreon, Oh my God, why don't I
don't know how to work things, Yes.
So if you go to patreon.com/tea with Me pod at patreon.com/tea
With Me pod, what happens is, and I'll post the links for that
up as well. It means you can support the
podcast with a small like subscription.
So what you can do is pay like if you can, obviously, because
it's such a shit time that there's people getting laid off
from jobs and all that kind of thing.
So listen, this is only if you can do it.
If you want to support the podcast with like a fiver a
month, with a tenner a month or more than that, you can.
And there's like wee tears of what you can get for that.
Now if you support the podcast with 0 month, you just get the
podcast. And a lot of people have said
that's more than enough. OK, people around the world have
said you're too kind Messiah. And I'm like, don't call me
Messiah. But what you'll get is a bonus
podcast. And we already have a couple of
those in the bank. So they're just an extra week
podcast for the Patreon people. And as as you sort of donate
more, you get more sort of perks and things like that, but only
if you can't do it. So I just want to give that a
quick plug before we get back into the podcast.
Patreon.com/tea with Me pod Also going forward for these
episodes, I am going to do my best to get guests on, even
though we're kind of on lockdown here, so it'll probably just be
audio. So I'll be here.
I'll be here doing the video looking like this if you're
watching the podcast, but I will have an audio line played in for
some guests, but I don't know 1000% if I can do that.
But that's my intention, so I'm just going to try and bring you
good podcasts coming up in the next few while.
There you go, patreon.com/tea with me pod.
Welcome back to the Tea with Me podcast.
Here's the thing. I've got a weird amount of tea
left in my cup and it's not roasting, you know, but it's not
like it's not roasting but it's not not fit for purpose is what
I'm trying to say. Before I get into listeners
questions, I have to talk about something that I absolutely love
and that is the programme Love Is Blind.
One of the best things about lockdown is we have been able to
watch Love Is Blind on Netflix, but we've not watched the whole
thing in one day. We're sort of spreading that out
and trying to watch an episode a day.
Hey, it's the greatest show ever.
What it is is this, I think, I don't know how many people went
into it, but couples meet each other, so they're segregated
into boys and girls, which is the way it should be.
P7 disco style, boys on this side, girls on this side.
They're chatting about makeup. We're trying to break dance.
To run DMC and Jason Nevis, it's like that.
That was just the last P7 disco I remember.
You can really break dance. Cheers.
And no one could, absolutely nobody could.
There was this guy called Phil who could in my primary school
and he did it on the last P seven days ago.
And it was weird that he could do it well and all the boys
didn't like it. And we're like me.
And it's weird that you've practised doing that.
We're just doing like a spin kind of until we stop spending.
But he was like doing moves and it was weird because hey, he was
white. So there you go.
But love is blind is amazing. They get boys to speak to girl
like men to speak to women, and they're in pods so they can't
see each other. They can just hear each other
and they get to know each other. So it's all about guys.
Is love blind? Can they build an emotional
connection? And then what they do is they
release them. I mean, you can just get
released if you want, I guess. But when you ask someone to
marry you and you both get engaged, then you can leave.
And we're back. So I had to take a quick break
there because my GoPro was full. And in in that moment he
realised he was not equipped this week for video podcasts.
So that's sad. But look, it's an audio version,
OK? And that is, as we've agreed,
more than enough. But yeah, I've got.
Do you know what the mad thing is?
I've got I've said that 80 times this podcast.
Do you know what the mad thing is?
It's the worst catch phrase of all time.
Do you know what the mad thing is?
I've said that 98 Times Now. Yes.
The annoying thing is I have an unbelievable camera.
I've got like a really good Canon camera that I bought last
Christmas and I've never really used.
So that is one thing I'm going to learn in lockdown, how to use
that camera and then I'm going to make music videos.
Imagine I did that just like recorded a full album in here.
I'm just like, I'm not that good a singer.
In fact, I'm not good at singing and then just released it.
But like deadly series after. Oh, it's what you do to me.
Hey there, Delilah. But like but like.
I put so much work into it, I would enjoy doing that.
Yeah, I've got loads and loads of questions, so I'm going to do
my best to get through them. Cheers to everybody who sent
questions in. Also, we've got this.
News thing that I'm going to tell you about, and I'll also
post up about it and all that kind of thing where I'm going to
get used to saying voice notes in where you can ask questions,
suggest topics. Chat to me.
Producer Dan has set that up and you can do it.
Here we go. If you want to send in voice
memos or anything like that, get in touch with the podcast, send
questions. I'll still do the question shout
out in Twitter and Instagram and all that.
But if you want to do it more directitsteawithmepodcast@gmail.com,
that's teawithmepodcast@gmail.com.
And that's the way you can sort of do it more direct.
But I put out the shout for questions last week and then we
were we recorded. Last week, me and Michael, me
and Big Mike, sorry, already dead, name him.
But we did that last week. But then it just felt weird.
It was a day that. You know, the extent of
coronavirus and all that things kind of kicking in.
And we were like halfway through the podcast and I went, it's a
really weird atmosphere. And he went, yeah.
And I went, yeah. And then we just went home.
So there's that, but at the show for.
Questions and loads you responded so I want to get
through them. Here we go.
First question is from Mark Miller.
Have you been panicked by NT? This isn't a lie but I own
probably close to and I don't want people to fucking mate you
need to hook us up. I own about 1000 tea bags
because the garage. Near me was doing a deal last
year and I said if. If you meant to do this to like
attract idiots, you know, the way some some deals are clearly
set up for idiots too, that's actually a pretty good deal.
But it's not. If they meant that for this,
then they succeeded because I went, hey, let me rent a van.
You know, I rented a van and six Polish guys and we cleared the
place out. So I haven't been manic buying
tea. But then tea's not a panicky
thing. You know, That's a beauty of
tea. Nobody's like coffee's like I'm
on the go. I need a coffee.
People like down a coffee, tea is to be sipped and enjoyed.
So I haven't been, and I hope you haven't been either, Mark.
But I hope you're well. My man Richard Parker says
where's your escape plan if virus goes from flu to zombie
overnight? And he says at the end clarifies
that and says what is your escape plan?
Not where I'm actually going to lie down.
Maybe sofa here? Oh, this not this is the ticket.
This is the ticket. Yes.
My escape plan would probably be to see.
I don't have an escape plan though, But if I did, if I was
like a James Bond type guy, like some sort of single Maverick
guy, I would probably have some sort of undergrowing tunnel that
eventually tunnels up to Nandos. So it's not really escape, it's
more just me thinking about food.
And then I would just, I would just get into Nando's and then
spend as much time living there as possible.
Breakfast, butterfly chicken, Lunch, butterfly chicken, dinner
half chicken because you've got to mix it up, Jamie says.
But it's mad. That there are people who are
probably genuinely thinking about panic or sorry, like
escape plans. There's probably some guy in
Macrofeld going, here's the thing, boy, I'm going to build a
spaceship, you know? And there probably is some guy
like on the back of a cornflakes box designing his spaceship and
all he's got is like bottles of Buckfast and settle tape.
Jamie Harrison, If you could pick a day to relive over and
over, Groundhog Day style, what day would it be and why?
If I could pick a day, that probably my last Waterfront
show, because it was the first time I'd done the Waterfront.
Not that it's important, but it was sold out.
Not that that's important, but that's everything.
And my friends and family were able to go, most of them.
I had a lovely dinner with friends beforehand, did the gig,
it was so lovely. Then afterwards we went out for
a couple of drinks. I went home.
Me and my wife got home for like 12.
I watched much of the day, had a cup of tea.
That's the that's the dream right there.
That was a great day. So I'd probably relive that over
and over again. Roshan says.
Roshan or Roshan, you know, potato, potato.
She says, how did you break your nose?
Please? How did you break your nose?
Please? I I broke my nose.
That's a good question. Fuck, I didn't break my nose.
I think I was playing indoor football and this really nice
man called Richard like went the header of the ball and headed my
big snide. So I'm pretty sure that, yeah,
that was it. And he felt really, really bad
about it. And I was like, don't worry.
And then assault in the mirror and I was like, Richard, worry,
Richard, you monster. But I think I fucked up because
when I went up the hospital, they were like, yeah, it's bust.
And they put these. No, that's not true.
I went up the hospital and then I went out that night because it
was still kind of student age. And I was like, I'm a legend.
I'm going out here. And then I had an operation to
reset it and they put these like plasters over my nose, you know,
like 6 plasters going down my nose to keep it in place after
the operation they'd done. And genuinely, I had a gig that
night. So I went, I can't go on with
these fucking plasters on my nose.
So I took them off and I think if I hadn't, I took them off, my
nose would be perfectly straight.
But the main thing is looking good on stage.
Am I right guys? So that's how I broke my nose.
Connell O'Neill says worst gig you've ever performed at.
Hey man, TYP take your pick. Every local comedian has 600 bad
gig stories and I have 599. The worst one ever.
I don't know because you can, your parameters for it are
always totally different. Like some people might go the
worst ever is when like the audience is like not listening
to their performers and you go on stage in the middle of that.
So nobody's listening to you. So you're just doing stand up
essentially to yourself. That can be bad.
But then there's part of that where you're like, oh fuck it,
I'll just motor on through here. But sometimes the worst one can
be when it goes just OK. Like this definitely isn't the
worst gig I've ever performed at, but I mean, it wouldn't make
the bottom 500. But this is me because this
podcast is honest, right? So I'm always going to tell you
about the gigs that go well on the sold out Waterfront.
But then I'll also tell you when I think I fucked it up.
And a big one of those was I did the Galway Comedy Festival last
year, the Vodafone Comedy Carnival.
I think that's what it's called, with Mickey Bartlett and Colin
Geddes and loads of our friends. And we went down and did that
and had really good shows at the festival.
But they did an RTE taping for a TV show to go out in RTE like
live from the festival kind of thing.
And they were there was 1 audience sitting in a big tent
and it was like comedian after comedian after comedian doing 10
minutes and just. Luck of the draw.
I ended up going on last, so it was supposed to be like a 2 hour
record for talk's sake and it was a little more like 5 because
that always happens with these things so I can't blame it on
that. But here's a weird thing, I wore
a shirt and boots and I'd never normally do that on stage.
Like a shirt and brown boots and I was waiting to go on stage.
Very uncomfortable because I was like, this isn't what I normally
wear, why am I wearing this? So that was already in my head.
Then I was literally the last person on of the day, so about
half the audience had left and but yet, and that sounds like an
excuse, it isn't because there was people just on before me
doing well and stuff like killing it.
I went on and I think in my head I'd already and I shouldn't do
this because I've been doing stand up too long for this.
But I went on like this isn't going to be good.
So I was going on like in a negative way and to stand over
my convictions. You can actually see this on
YouTube. It just got uploaded yesterday.
If you type in the thing, it's like Vodafone Comedy, she and
Todd, they uploaded all the sets and in no way is it the worst
gig I've ever done. Bits work, bits don't, but it's
just interesting to look at me and go, he's not comfortable
there. You know, I kind of rifle
through my material too quick. I didn't just stand there and do
my thing. So that's not the worst gig I've
ever done, but sometimes ones that actually go OK, you can
still walk away from being more angry because the ones that are
really bad, you go, oh, that was a bad gig because the audience
were terrible or that was a bad gig because the night is badly
run. But there's shows like that,
like that RTE 1 where you go actually, it's set up really
nice. I just didn't have a good one,
you know, but, but I'm not like I am harsh on myself if the gig
goes bad, but I am always kinda looking forward to the next one.
You know, I'm like, OK, I fucked that up.
But I've because at the festival there's loads of gigs.
So I'm like, OK, I didn't have a good one there, but I've got a
gig in an hour and a half, let me go and have a good one there.
And what's kind of good is I did Pug Ugliese Comedy Club last
week for Dave, for Dave Elliott. I headlined that because Colin
was supposed to be on but he had he had to pull out.
So I filled in as the poster said or the like Instagram post
for pubs, comedy club. I filled Colin's Hall and that
is not the first time that I've done that.
The Sunday will probably run with that now because there's
not really much going on. But it was a real, if that was
the last gig for a couple of weeks or months, that was a
really, really nice one to go out on.
I enjoyed that doing some new material.
There was kind of a weird atmosphere there because it was
like a public gathering of about 70 people and people were kind
of a bit, but it was it was class.
So yeah, sometimes the worst gigs, sometimes you could like
watch me at a gig and go. That was great.
Did you love that? And I'll be going.
No. And then there's other times
where you'll go, oh mate, that was a disaster and I'll go.
Actually, it was alright. So it's hard to tell Connell,
but I do have million bad gig stories like we all do, because
you remember the worst ones instead of the good ones.
But you kind of remember them in an affectionate way because
usually, like, you were there with comedian friends and like
they've gone through it too. They had a bad one maybe.
So you're like, fuck, remember that time?
Remember that time we drove to Cushion Doll and I just made
that up? I don't.
I have gigging Cushion Doll and it was actually really good.
But yeah, Jamie Gordon says if you had to go into self
isolation 14 days but watch the same movie constantly for the
entire time, what would you choose?
Well, I kind of am in self isolation a bit, but if I had
to, I don't. I don't watch films as much as I
used to. I prefer a series.
Like I'm aware I was talking about Love is Blind there before
I had to take a break from the podcast to reset the camera and
then I stopped talking about it. I'll talk about it properly next
week because people probably want to get spoiler alerts.
But if I had to watch one film over and over again, I'd
probably go for Step Brothers because Step Brothers is kind of
always funny to me. And it's a good length of film,
you know, because you don't want to watch a short one because
then you're like, it's over. But a longer 1, you can sort of
ease into it. Peter Walker says it feels like
the zombie apocalypse is coming. Name one essential item on your
prepper shopping list. Definitely Poppers.
Definitely poppers. I've been running about like a
lunatic trying to panic by poppers.
No, in all seriousness, almond butter.
Almond butter, that would that would probably be the number one
thing because it's what I have in my porridge in the morning
and that sets me up for a good day.
And if I can't get it, I'm ratty.
Now my wife's like, come on, let's go for a walk today.
Now where's my almond butter? So yeah, probably that Lori says
can you get coronavirus more than once?
Hey, don't ask me. You know who'd be better to ask
the NHS? Ask a doctor, man, because I
appreciate you coming to me for medical advice.
But I'm probably like the, I'd probably be like the three
thousandth guy. You should ask in Northern
Ireland, roughly. So yeah, don't, don't ask me.
Imagine. I imagine.
I just did start dispensing health advice now.
The best way to do it to not get coronavirus is if you cut a
potato in half and rub it under your armpits and then fry the
potato and eat it and then take the other half and take the
other half and bury it in the Giant's Causeway.
You'll be sweet. Kieran Fleming.
What should the punishment be for people who post pictures of
Corona on social media for bands?
Oh clock, people are trying, you know, so if someone does that
and he's like here, won't affect me lol.
And he's a bottle of Corona and it's in drinking it with a wee
lime in it. That's OK, that's OK because
we're in this time now where hey, we're all in this shit
together. So let's not give out of people
when they're just trying to have a laugh, even though it's in no
way funny. Roshan again, getting a roar in
twice says that's not a certain name, by the way, Roshan getting
a roar in twice, It's it's just the second question in this
thread and you only get one. But look, we're in a time where
we're going to have to take more than one question from people.
She says. Will you tell us more about your
journey with Crohn's? I have colitis and I never hear
people talking about it. Thanks.
Yes, I will do that next week because I've got a load of
questions to get through. And yeah, I'll, I'll try and
remember to talk a bit about it next week because there are, I
mean, there is kind of like a funny side to having Crohn's.
Like Crohn's is kind of a serious condition, I guess.
Again, more health advice from doctor here.
But but like, yeah, I wrote in Edinburgh show about it and
people laughed. So, you know, there are kind of
there is a funny side to it. Like I remember like loads of
stuff in the hospital where I was like, oh, this is very
funny. So we'll get through that.
I have questions on Instagram too.
Let me see. Let me see for the boys, for the
questions from the boys and girls here.
Here we go. Yes, yes, Tamara Guy says.
Did you hear about Tracy's dog? I don't know what you're talking
about, Wiggy. Dave says he's given me a
million things to talk about. I'll pick one.
Give us a bit of Soft Border Patrol chop.
Yeah, Soft Border Patrol is on BBC iPlayer.
It's the sitcom that I'm in. I mean, that's not it.
That's not a fair description of it.
The sitcom that Shane Todd's in. I mean, I'm probably the 8th
lead in it, maybe even, maybe even 9th, you know, but.
But I enjoy doing it soft Border Patrol, if you haven't seen it,
is on BBC Northern Ireland. And it's about, it's like a
mockumentary, like a fake documentary about a Border
Patrol between North and South of Ireland.
And yeah, it's in it. This is the third series.
I started doing it last series. So I've been in for two series.
And yeah, I I very much enjoy playing my character Lawrence
Lail. Lawrence Lail.
One thing I don't enjoy is somebody said why are you
playing a gay character? Why are you making fun of a gay
character? The thing about Lawrence Lyle is
that's other people's insecurities because Lawrence
Lyle is a married father of eleven.
That was my first. I mean, I don't, I don't even
know if they've ever put that in because sometimes like you do
loads of stuff on this and. They can, you know.
I record for 13 hours or something for this and they use
20 minutes of footage Max, probably less.
So there's loads of stuff you do, but if it doesn't tie into
the storyline, obviously they can't use it.
But I always start my bits every year going, you know, talking
about like his home situation, but I just don't think they have
time to use it. But my idea for the character
Lawrence Lyle is he's just as under pressure father.
And yes, he is camp, definitely. But when I like designed the
character because that was really cool because when they
gave me a shot about doing soap control, they're like, you can
name the character, you can pick your outfit, you can, you know,
almost design it from top to bottom.
That's that's when I thought, yes, this character, Lawrence
Ley, who kind of always talks about being selfless but then
wants people to think he's a hero.
So yeah, I like doing that. And I would like to do, I would
like to do more of that character, I think because I, I
also think as well, there's probably a lot of people who,
you know, like my stuff, like follow my stuff, but maybe
haven't seen soft Border Patrol yet or whatever.
Because, you know, I guess less and less people, myself
included, watch television nowadays.
You know, when do we sit down and go right?
This is on at this time every week.
So it kind of is more kind of is older people that say to me
about soft Border Patrol. Like, I know, I know some people
say it, but like my age and younger, but a lot of the times
I'll be at like a, you know, a family wedding or a bar out in
the country and somebody will go.
I like the old soft Border Patrol.
You do, you know, so it maybe hits like a different generation
that my stand up from my sketches wouldn't Mark.
But yeah, you can check it out. It's on BBC iPlayer now.
The last episode goes out this Friday night.
Mark Haggerty says any more news in Dave's Zoo calendar that he
agreed to do in the live podcast.
I can't 1000% remember that. It was obviously me mugging him
off. But no.
But listen, when this coronavirus stuff is over,
there's going to be loads of stuff we're going to get round
to doing. And that's that's probably going
to be everyone's attitude. See, when this is over, when
this lockdown is over, I'm finally going to get that tattoo
of Gerry Adams on the back. You know, that's not me saying
that, but somebody will be saying that.
Gerry Kelly Eun Mole says, did you did you ever dip chocolate
biscuits in your tea? Look, we've talked about this in
the podcast before. I'm not going to spend a lot of
time addressing it. I'm just going to say, yes, I've
done it before. But every St has a past and
every Sinner has a future. Marcus Lynch, what are your
Saint Patty's Day plans? Any chance of a bot appearance?
Hey, nobody should be going to the bot.
And I don't just I don't, I don't just mean over some
bodies, OK? I don't just mean because of
this lockdown. I don't mean that hire me for
corporate work, but for some paddies.
Yesterday we went for a walk down the beach and I got myself
a can of Guinness at the garage a couple of days ago, like a
draft can and I had three steps out of it and then that was it.
So, you know, I did a bit of Dublin up at The Dubliners
reunion concert, which is on YouTube, on TV, and I enjoyed
that. Dylan goes class page, man.
Not a podcast question, but I appreciate your brother Jude.
What's your favourite Duncan Biscuit?
Duncan Biscuit sounds like a 90s white rapper.
Duncan Biscuit. Look, I mean, that's the level
of lockdown banter that we're going to be having.
Duncan Biscuit, the white rapper.
That's not a podcast question. That's a weird message from a
guy. What?
Oh, that was from June. That podcast question.
Sorry I fucked that, guys. I've really fucked it.
Yeah, we do have some more podcast questions.
Hang on. Hang on.
Now. People are really enjoying when
I said that Dave Elliott was selling fake hand sanitizer and
loads of people took that seriously.
Olivia messages me just there now and goes, is there no
podcast this week? Olivia?
You wait until lunchtime, my friend.
Give my mate's YouTube channel Shout No Pay me.
Someone says, did you start coronavirus just to avoid going
to Larne? That would be rash.
More podcasts? Yeah.
Any chance of a weak DUP update video about the virus?
Oh, for sure. The DUP man will definitely have
something to say about it. Don't you worry.
Don't you worry about that, Ulster says.
Dota coronavirus. Yes, there will be something.
Look, guys, here's my plan. You're going to get Dean
Davidson videos, You're going to get McGoldrick videos.
You might get an MC Beaser freestyle.
You're going to get Keith Cruz. You're going to get new
characters. You're going to get one offs.
You're going to get films. You know, I might make wee
stupid films around the house because I'm going to be making
my own fun because, hey, I ain't earning any money.
I'm not earning any money. I'm just messing about with my
camera. And in a way, I think it's going
to help me rediscover my love of doing sketches because I do love
doing sketches. But you know, you do other
things and sometimes you find excuses not to do regular
sketches. You know, I'm doing the radio
show, you know, this or that. But I'm just going to get back
into my wife's going to have to help me shoot some stuff.
And that in a way is going to be fun.
Also at the minute we're continuing the radio show Me and
Dave, BBC Radio Ulster, Friday nights at 6:00.
The plan is to continue to do that if it's safe to do so.
So we're just doing it in full hazmat suits, me, Dave and Hugo
Duncan. But no way.
Yeah, we are continuing that. So I'll post a link up to that
when we get it. But it's a, it's kind of, it is
scary in a way. Like that's, that's going to be
my only form of income because I am self-employed and there are
people that have it a lot worse. I totally get that, you know,
like, yes, we have, we have a baby on the way and stuff and
we're trying to move house at the minute.
But it sounds cheesy to say, but if everybody has their health
and everybody's doing OK, then that's that's the number one
thing. And yeah, I'm just going to try
and put out as many sketches, videos, podcasts as possible.
And if it gives you a bit of a laugh or whatever, because, hey,
it'll give me a laugh. Because I don't know if you know
this, but I laugh aggressively at my own stuff.
Like I just laughed at saying that.
And that's not even a bit. So I'm going to get loads of
stuff out. If there is things you want to
see, give me a shout. Not if it's weird, you know,
don't be like, hear me, a longtime fan.
I'm a grandfather of eight. My name's Henry and I would love
to see you. I would love to see you try and
get your cock to touch your elbow.
You know I won't do that. I mean, I might depends along
this lockdown is going on for but there is there is a
grandfather called Henry. Listen to this going.
I actually never thought of that.
But yeah, the podcast will keep rolling out.
I'm going to try and get the video going because I want it to
be business as usual. But bear with me this week
because I'm an idiot. And there was also a time where
I have this lamp and it kind of folds out like it has an arm.
And I genuinely started taping a podcast and I went, this will
work. And then it just didn't work.
And I went, I need to stop modifying stuff because I'm not
a builder on Robot Wars. I'm a self-employed comedian.
I'm going to wrap up this podcast and yeah, just allow
this to be like a we makeshift podcast, just this one, and then
we're going to get properly back at it.
But as you can appreciate, it's just a bit of, it's a bit of a
weird one this week, But yes, properly back at it.
Later in the week I'll probably bring out a second podcast and
we've got a couple on Patreon, a couple of Patreon podcasts
already recorded a couple of weeks ago that we're going to
roll out on there. So if you want to support the
Patreon, you get those bonus podcasts.
You can get things like free tickets to the first live Tea
with Me whenever we get that sorted later in the year, all
that kind of stuff. So go on patreon.com/tea with Me
pod, That's Tea with Me POD, patreon.com, and that's again,
only if you can. I don't want anyone to be under
pressure, you know, don't want anyone to be like, I'm going to
have to steal from my granny here.
So as fellow keeps doing podcasts, I will be doing the
podcast regardless. But if you can support it, that
would be sweet. So yes, I'll, I'm also going to
say. Just listen to everyone's
podcast. Just see what else is going out
there because so many comedians have podcasts, so many of my
friends. And maybe I'll tweet out like a
big list of everyone's podcast because everyone's still trying
to make stuff happen. But thank you very, very much
for listening. I appreciate it.
Bear with me while I just get the grips with doing podcasts
from home. And shout out to to producer Dan
and Big Mike who are not here. That is a bad reflection on
their part. Yes, it's a lockdown.
Yes, I've told them explicitly not to come here.
But that's still very, very poor in their part.
So they've got a lot to think about.
Zippers. I enjoyed having you here and go
and wash your cup out, you dirty pigs.
And I'll see you later in the week.
Bye.