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October 8th and 9th. Zippers welcome, welcome to
this. Friday's episode of the Tea With
Me podcast. I am also.
You've just tuned in, but you're going, hey, man, why is there a
guy with a lawnmower in the same room as you?
Nope, It's the builders that are working near me despite the
coronavirus, and they're just doing business as usual.
And I can't really go up to them and say, guys, I know you're
trying to finish all this work before you have to take.
A7 year break, but I'm trying to do my podcast and they'll all go
what's a fucking podcast? And I'll go I'm talking I'm
talking to the computer and what's that what you're talking
about? It's called Oh my God, I can't
even deal with you. It's called tea with me.
I'm having tea with the listeners, you know, and it's
weird having to explain a podcast, but the podcast is here
and also. It's back in its glorious video
format. No, a couple of minutes ago I
sat I'm doing this in the spare room in my house and I set up
the camera, I set up the microphone into the computer and
honestly, I had a wee moment. Where I nearly.
Cried because I was so proud of me.
You know, in this fucked up time that we're going to have,
sometimes it's going to be about the little victories.
And I looked around and I was like, I've managed to do this
Now a lot of people are going, you should be able to do it,
man. You should be able to do it.
But honestly? I get boys to do it for me, OK?
I get boys to do it that know what they're doing.
Big Mike, Dan, Aaron Butler, all those.
Guys that I know, they know what they're doing, so I don't have
to. My job is to look cute and talk
and I can just about do that. But today I've set it all up
myself and I feel. Fantastic.
Now it'll probably come out like a chipmunk.
You know I know me. I'll mug myself off.
I'll put. Some sort of effect on it and
it'll come out totally wrong and I'll have filmed it back to
front and we're not even recording.
But don't worry about it. If you're watching the video
podcast, it's on YouTube, my YouTube channel.
She and Todd Comedy, I think, or just she and Todd, you know
what? You'll find it.
You'll find that I believe in you and I'll give you a wee tour
of the studio. We tried to do this earlier in
the week when I wasn't recording video because see, I have a
GoPro and I was using that and then it didn't work.
And I, I actually have this camera.
It's a bit like, I knew this camera was here.
It's a psychological thing. I bought it and then it was
like, I'm going to fill them all the time with it and I haven't,
but I'm going to start now. But I knew it was there and I
was like, no, I'm not good enough.
And then something within me went pick up that camera and
start shooting. All right, not in like a
shooting boy, but like start making comedy content.
And that's exactly what I'm doing.
But you can actually see the Wii studio this week.
What's mad is I cleared this out.
I know I talked about this in the podcast earlier in the week,
but I cleared this room out like last week so that it can be a
nursery for our baby. But then like 3 days after I did
that, hey, it's a studio again, all right?
The, the baby's just going to have to chill, you know, in a
different area. No, eventually I will have to
move. I'm just going to keep
downsizing until I think I'm just going to be Harry Potter
under the stairs, you know? And I'm aware he wasn't churning
out podcasts. You know, there's a least of his
worries back then. My mom was just trying to just
trying to get through the week with a.
Fucking what do you call that guy?
Who was a? Percy or something?
Who's that guy in Harry Potter? Who's the guy in Harry Potter?
Dudley. That's.
Exactly who it is, Harry Potter. Potter, Dudley.
I hated that guy. Dudley.
What's his surname? Dudley Dirshly.
Fucking dickhead. Dudley Dursley, if you're
watching, you're a real piece of work.
And Harry Potter went on to make a real success of himself.
I don't know if he did because I never actually read the last
book, even though I had to, unlike them all.
It was just too many pages and it scared me as a child.
But if we look around in this, in the studio here, I've got
stroke spare room, but we're calling it a studio.
We've got some shelves behind me.
OK, I've got some shelves. On it I have some football
medals, on it I have some camera gear.
I've got a doll of a basketball. Player that I got whenever I was
a kid, when I was in Florida, for some unknown reason, I have
a wee Oakland Raiders helmet. Again, I'm not into any of these
sports. I'm not into basketball, I'm not
into American football. But I made people buy it for me.
There's AT with me mug up there. We've got an African drum and an
old Man United scarf that my granda gave me.
So what more do we want? And yes.
I've got tea. And I've been.
Drinking a lot of tea recently and I feel like we all are going
to be drinking a lot of tea for a while.
So the idea of tea with me is you have a cup of tea with me,
you know, sometimes I have guests on.
I am going to figure out how to have guests on.
But listen, it was difficult enough just doing this, so we'll
take it one step at a time. But but Tea with Me is just a
podcast where ideally you make yourself a cup of tea or if
you're going to hell, you, you make a coffee and we just sit
down and shoot the shit talk about what's going on.
And hey, there's plenty to talk about.
But I don't really want to. I don't want to focus on the
coronavirus thing. I don't want to make it dominate
the podcast because I mean, I think we're all not sick of
hearing about it because that kind of underplays it of it.
But I think we're all just like, all right, what else is going
on? And the answer is not a lot, but
we can just make up stuff. We can pretend that other things
are important and I can't do you know what?
I've been out a lot recently. I mean, that's that already.
Will make people annoyed because they'll be like you shouldn't
be. Listen, I'm going to isolated
places I can. Assure you of that.
But this and this morning we got to go to a supermarket to do to
do a shop because and we got let in and like a wee special
window, not like not like a physical special window, but
that it wasn't like someone inside.
It was like me and I work here. Just come on in.
I'll sort it out because I like the Mike Mcgulder videos.
No, there's a thing called, there's a thing called a
vulnerable shop, right? Where people that maybe can't
just go to the shops whenever are allowed to come in and do a
shop before the place opens. Brilliant idea.
We can avail of that because my wife is like pretty heavily
pregnant. So we thought we will go in,
we'll get some. Things we're not panicked by
them, but there is some stuff we need to get and she doesn't
really, she doesn't want to be walking around in like a
stressful shopping environment and.
Also, you know I wouldn't be allowed to shop myself because
I'm I'm the. Sort of guy, if my wife said can
you get us a couple of chicken fillets and a pot of beans, I
would come back with beans. But they would be magic beans
that I'd bought from a man in a Passat, you know, and.
She'd be like, what about the chicken fillets?
And I would go, listen, I didn't get us the chicken fillets, but
what do you think of this? Kayak.
You know, and she would go, what the fuck you doing?
That's, that's a mop. And I go, oh, no, I need to try
and get my money back, you know, so I'm not allowed to really go
and do shops by myself. So it sort of worked out well.
But here's the kicker. I got really mugged off because
we go in to do the vulnerable shop.
You know, my wife's got the pregnancy bump.
We're going in. And I'm sort of thinking, do
they only let one person in? Is only my wife going to be able
to go in? Do I have to wait outside?
I don't know what's going to happen.
I walked in in front of her because I refuse to.
Because I'm a feminist and I refuse to let women walk first
through doors because that's old school, you know?
We shouldn't. I don't hold doors anymore as a
man. I walk through 1st to.
Set an example and I walk on through, there's a wee sort of
lady at the front of the supermarket basically making
sure that people aren't ripping the OR sort of it and just
coming in to do their shopping when they're like perfectly able
to just go anytime. I walk in.
I give her like a nod and say hello and she goes.
Hello, Sir. I look around to basically gnaw
that this is my wife. As you can see, she's really
pregnant. That's why we're shopping here.
But my wife was really far behind me.
But I didn't know that. So.
I passed whatever test that woman had for.
I'm going to look at you and see if you're vulnerable because she
she didn't see my pregnant wife. She just saw me walk in.
As if I was doing a shop for myself because I had the trolley
with a wee pair with a wee pair of gloves on.
Hello. And she just looked at me and
went. Oh God, she and God help this
fella. What I mean, I'd be very.
Curious to know, or maybe I wouldn't want to know, what she
thought when she looked at me was my vulnerability, you know?
Did she look at me and go oh geez.
Hello Sir Jesus Christ. His fingers are 9 inches long.
You know, did she look at me and go?
Well, he's not going. To be stuck for baguettes
because he's got. Five in each hand.
Maybe she thought, I don't know. Maybe she looked at the size of
my ears and thought, Jesus Christ, this fella can't.
Go out during peak time because he hears everything, you know?
He'd be too sensitive to sound because his ears are so big.
I don't know, really, really gave me a complex and and I've
been like one thing I've been trying to do in this whole
quarantine thing is just work out or like the lockdown thing
is just do a lot of work out. So I feel like good.
I was feeling good. And then when she said that,
when she said hello, Sir, and just let me walk in, it just
knocked the window into my seals.
You know, I was tempted to shout.
I am not vulnerable, but since since that since that moment
this morning and my wife's like listen, I'm sure it's fine.
She probably thought you were shopping for an elderly relative
or something. I I've been wearing, like, a lot
of blankets over my knees. That's what I'm I feel
vulnerable now, you know? Oh.
I've been putting, I'm putting my feet in a wee bath of hot
water every night. But yeah, it's just funny that I
was like, Oh no. There should be some sort of
test for vulnerability and I would like to think I would
feel, but yeah, we didn't. We're not really panicked by
them. We're just getting in the.
Sort of stuff we need, like I'm getting in the stuff I need,
like, you know, face masks, face mask, mascara, kind of all the
things I would, I would need Prosecco.
I have a Prosecco in the trolley.
You know, if I put Prosecco in the trolley, somebody would be
like. I can't believe your wife's
drinking Prosecco. She's pregnant.
That's when I'll go. Nah, she's not drinking at all
through the pregnancy. But bitches be thirsty, you
know? So speak for yourself.
The Prosecco's for me. Move on.
Derefleur tea. Teas, teas, great.
You know, I think we're going to be drinking a lot of tea as a
nation. And I think that's when this
podcast is really going to take off because people are going to
go, I'm back in the tea, you know, because people go away.
They're just away from tea, but they always come crawling back.
And when they come crawling back, they're going to find out
there's an entire podcast dedicated to it.
And it's this. So I've been drinking.
I've been drinking a lot of tea, but I'm trying not to overdo it,
you know? But yeah, we've just been kind
of, I guess, like a lot of people trying to keep busy,
trying to do things. I'm doing the show on Radio
Ulster tonight. If you listen to this podcast
the day it comes out on Friday, yeah, we're doing, me and Dave
Elliott are doing the show on Radio Ulster.
And it's cool because Dave's been, Dave's slept in a freezer
for the last two weeks because he's not taking any chances.
So we're going to thaw him out and then we're going to do the
show, but we're going to do the show on Radio Ulster.
But it just feels like it feels a wee bit weird.
It feels a wee bit weird. And I don't know I want.
People listening to because all this should be escapism.
Podcasts, but I've been trying to put out like 2 sketches a day
and run those sketches after after a.
Day how funny is it going to be like 5 days into this when my
sketches, you know mom paints radiator and it just is that,
but jewel were like fuck it, let's just do something
different. Let's have a party.
Let's get people, let's get people's minds off this as best
we can for an hour and a half on our own minds as well.
Because look, we're all thinking about it.
We're all kind of trying not to panic, and even us.
Vulnerable people like me and. I said that the producer Mark of
the show, I said, Mark, can we just play like 90s dance bangers
for an hour and a half and just have like a bit of crack in
between? And he said yes.
And I said, do you need to run that by the bosses at Radio
Ulster? Because you know, Radio Ulster
is like Hugo Duncan, the Nolan show news.
I said, will we actually be allowed to do that?
And he goes, yeah, we'll be cool with that.
And then he spoke to the bosses and they were like tear away
boys. So I think that is fantastic
that Radio Ulster have done that because 6:00 is still going to
be like, they're like loyal listeners and all of a sudden
that's going to be yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she walked up
Maniac 2000. Why Maniac 2000?
Did they not finish the? Word.
You know, I don't know what happened.
I don't know if they recorded that in a car.
Maybe there was like a microphone and Mark McCabe
himself just kept driving past the mic.
She walked up. She was.
She, she. And then he stopped.
Using for a fright standby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Love me in the Act 2000. What a song.
Reminds me of an energy one O 6 disco I went to when I was about
11. In a pair of purple.
Jeans I got out of TK Max for £7, I say £7, they gave me £7 to
take them out and wear them, but still.
So yeah, I'm buzzing to go. That's going to be the first
thing I've gone like to do because when I say like we're
going out, like there's like a few parks near us and like
nature walks. So we kind of just go do that
and make sure we keep our distance from people.
You know, I go, no, we're coming through and I make pensioners
get out of the way. Although it's so funny because
my auntie and uncle would be like quite elderly and I and we
saw them out earlier in the week doing the same walk as us
because it is very, very isolated.
And I was like, how's it going? And and then we had to have a
conversation at distance. So we were like 15 feet away
going. And hi, Yeah.
Oh yeah. Hopefully at all.
Yep. Hopefully it's all fine after a
while. You know, just talking from the
distance and. I hate that because I like.
I like to be. I like.
Close. Kind of obviously with people,
you know, but I like contact, you know, I'm a contact guy.
I like to pop people's backs. If it's a sports.
Coach and he's passed. He's passed all the police
cheques. I like him to pop my bum.
You know, let's have a good game.
Have a good one right there. I like that just a little.
I like that. As long as he's kosher, you
know, but and we're just watching like we're watching a
lot of TV as well. Well, I say a lot we're watching
nor of TV and I. And I talked about Love is Blind
on the podcast earlier in the week, which was absolutely
class. And we watched about an episode
of night and then we, we watched the reunion last night and it
was so great just to see who's still married and who's not.
So if you haven't watched Love Is Blind on Netflix, I would
sincerely suggest that you you check that out.
Before I go any further, I want to plug the Patreon.
So what Patreon is, is because I don't have any sponsors anymore.
Because you know, life and So what what Patreon is, it's like
a way if you want to help the podcast.
Help me make and make all these sketches and stuff because you
know, this is kind of like my job.
And if you can't help, great. And if you can't listen, I
totally understand. I totally understand what I want
you to do. If you, if you can't help, if,
if you're struggling financially or whatever, I want you to do
this for me instead. I want you to I want you to
kiss, kiss your hand, the big juicy one, right?
Like one of those. I want you to kiss your hand.
I want you to angle it towards the sky and I want you to blow
that over the over here. And it's going to land directly
into the tea with me temporary studio.
I would like that. But Patreon, you can donate like
a fiver, whatever you can a month and it just goes towards
helping continue the podcast and all that kind of thing and you
get bonus podcasts. So we're going to do a bonus
podcast a week and we already have a couple recorded the first
one. Goes out, I want to say on
Monday, but producer Dan will keep me right on that and and
that'll be sweet because. No matter what though, I'm going
to be, I'm going to be bringing the podcast out, bringing
sketches out because, you know, even if it's not like financial
work, it's still a way for me to keep doing what I want to do.
You know, I, I love doing all this kind of stuff and I'm
really, really glad that we relaunched.
The. Podcast like this tea with me
from the original Chantel cast when we did because because I
love it you know whenever people send messages saying they you
know they're enjoying them or they're listening or people put
something up on Instagram on their story and it's great and I
know sometimes with stand up by you know, or characters, you
know I always do these like cocky sort of confident
characters but in reality, you know people who know me know
that I'm very. Appreciative I'm a great.
Graham I'm a grateful Graham. Nobody has ever called me that.
But yeah, the sketches I'll keep bringing out.
I've got a wee studio here and I'm I'm kind of just getting,
I'm kind of getting familiar with cameras again.
I'm making my own stuff and editing my own stuff.
Of course, when all this is over, I'm going to burn my
camera. When all this is over.
I'm going to throw my camera. Out a wall and break it but.
It's just been, it's been good. I'm enjoying it and I actually
I'm like kind of flat out, you know, because even though we we
are like essentially self isolating and doing the social
distancing and all that, me and my wife, but from everybody
else, I mean, not from each other in the same house.
That'll be terrible. But you know, it is just, it is
just interesting that the second this is all over, how
everything's going to be, you feel, you think.
Everything's going to be. Different, but is it because
like I feel this whole coronavirus isolation thing,
it'll be a good time for us to go away and have a think about
sectarianism, You know, if any positive could come from this, I
want everyone who's like properly hardline sectarian to
just sit in their houses. You've got a couple of weeks and
just go. Do I need to be at this?
I want us to really have a think about.
Is it important to not like someone because they support a
different football team in Scotland?
Let's just let's take 5. Let's take 5.
Minutes of our isolation time and go, do you really need to
still be in the paramilitaries? I want guys coming out of this
going I went in a paramilitary, I came out a new man, you know,
I want I want all the paramilitaries to get together.
I want them to put everything I want them to take the shirts
off. I want this to be a new TV.
I want them to take the. Shirts off and I want them all
to start kissing. OK, all sides.
Internal feuds, but the same religion start getting off with
each other across the divide. I want them.
I want. I want to see a lot of guys
shirtless. Neck and each other in Botanic
Gardens. I think that'll be a nice place.
For it. And and look.
Let's just, let's just knock all that in the head.
Imagine this podcast went out and this clip went up and then
just loads of paramilitary guys saw this, went, you know what
man he is? He's fucking got a point there.
And then it just went down in history like work, like he was
being taught in classrooms in 10 years time.
You know, we used to have these things called paramilitaries.
But this we, this we fella, this we fella just basically on his,
on his podcast in his spare room said that, you know, we should
knock it all in the head. And that was a big moment.
It was very much our, you know, I have a dream Martin Luther
King moment where people just realised the error of their ways
and came together in snog, you know.
So lads, knock at the head, OK, Please knock him in the head.
Watching just Paramodies coming out and be like, look, we're
doing Patreon tonight, OK? We're just, we're just doing
like merchandise and like none of the bad stuff, OK?
We're just. We're just.
Doing like nostalgia podcast about it.
I mean, that would be fun. That would be fun.
Let me have some more tea. Yum Yum.
So yeah, we're trying to. I'm trying to timetable in the
days as well and I actually feel, oh, you would have said
earlier, I feel more flat out now than I did when there wasn't
this lockdown because I'm getting up in the morning.
I'm doing a workout, you know, unusual sale workout like I'm
just doing, I'm picking 5 exercise, doing 100 reps a
little bit. If you call out of workout, I
don't know, I didn't call out of workout, but you know, literally
all the all the plates. You know, I'm lifting so many
plates, they call me a dishwasher and.
Yes, yes, that is. The level that we're at.
But I'm doing that. Then I have my breakfast, then
I'm like shooting sketches and I'm writing and I'm doing a bit
of editing and I'm doing the podcasts and trying to sort of
work out with people that do this kind of thing as well.
Look, what can we be doing? Because I've got this Wii studio
facility and I want to just keep doing stuff.
So sort of trying to speak to Radio Ulster as well and send to
them. Look, the money Toad is sitting
on his Lily pad and he is available for whatevs.
He's down for whatever. You want me to present the show
about jazz, I'll do it. If you want us to do a crime
documentary about the craze, no better man, because I know.
Everything about the craze, They were identical brothers and I
think someone said they had sex together because they were all
secretly gay or something. I.
Don't know if I don't know if that's true, but that is one of
the things we'll look at for sure in the documentary.
And then at. Night.
We're kind of like, you know, we're doing a bit of like
housework and then we sort of like settle down on about 8:00.
And. You know, back in the day, I say
back in the day, I mean like last week before coronavirus, BC
before coronavirus, you know, I would sit down from like a day's
work at six. O'clock and I'd be done.
Or 5:00 I could be done at any time.
You know, maybe like did a bit of writing during the day, had a
meeting and that's it. But now I'm literally knocking
my pen and I'm sitting down at 8:00.
I know how all you guys feel with real jobs.
I sit down at 8:00 and I'm. Like ah boys.
And I barely have time to put the TV on, so I'm just going to
try and. Keep this up because I'm
enjoying it. I really am enjoying it and I
hope everybody's. Doing this kind of like
isolating thing, like social isolating as best they can.
I get that you're, you're maybe 100% not going to be able to do
it, but do do it because we, we deck heads this and this, you
know, that are like just our date.
Team and they'll be going to the pub, you know.
With. 30 of their mates looking like blazing squad and going
fuck and they'll get it wrong. You know they'll get it wrong.
They'll write up on Snapchat. Fuck COVID 17, you know?
They'll get the combat, they'll tag Combat 18, you know?
So I want everyone to fucking stop doing that.
Let's all just stay in and subscribe to my podcast and if
you can't donate to the Patreon. I should have given out the
Patreon for sure. I don't know why I didn't do
that. patreon.com/tea with me pod. patreon.com/tea with me
pod, You go on that. There's merch giveaways we're
going to do every month on it. There are.
Announcements about gigs early before everybody else and the
bonus podcast. So check that out and also check
out podcasts from. Everybody because if you're in
the local comedy, and by the way, let me say this as well,
there there is a real support for the local stand up comedy
scene and a few of us there are self-employed.
This is what we do full time. I'm thinking call and get us
Mickey Bartlett, Sean Haggerty. There's there's, there's,
there's more guys that do and like full time obviously that,
you know what I mean? And what I'll get like a list of
everybody's. Podcasts from like and put it
out because the point to making is there's such a good support
in the last couple of years for the stand up scene here and
people are. I see people on Instagram like
sending messages or whatever to and it's just like regular
people. I'm saying that like we're some
sort of comedy gods, which we're definitely not, but.
You know, just everyday people, punters like yourselves that
listen to the podcast or whatever, putting out things
like these guys have. Had all the gigs cancelled,
checked their podcasts out or whatever and that, that's class
of people, people are doing that really, really appreciate it and
then. You know what, yes, I'm putting
the sketches out and and all that.
If the Patreon is something you can help with, great.
If not, I totally understand. You know, I'm very, very, very
fortunate to be able to gig a lot, do stand up comedy a lot
and bits and pieces on the side. So you know.
I'm. We're good, we're good.
Right now, and I think we can definitely.
Weather this from a from a business point of view, but when
I get back to stand up, my God I cannot.
Wait to do stand up again. I was just thinking about this
earlier in the day. I was like, I would pay so much
money. In this financially uncertain
time to just get up and perform new crowd and I genuinely was
thinking in my head about like doing my first gigs back
whenever we're allowed to do gigs again.
And I am sure I will probably cry at the end of it because
stand up is just so amazing. To be able to be able to do it,
the fact that people come out and see shows it.
It baffles me because I've seen my material.
No, it it, it doesn't cease to me as me and I know people are
going to be like. Man, you're such a loser saying
this, but I love stand up and I love the people come out and see
my stand up. I'm very, very, very fortunate
for that. And I just, I just can't wait to
get up and do it, you know, because people can work from
home. I can do sketches, I can do
podcasts, but getting up on stage and telling jokes that may
or may not? Work.
That's that's the shit that is, that is everything to me.
So I can't wait to get back and do that.
Obviously when I do and I get all the gigs sorted then you
know, you still hear about it straight away and I think my
tour will will be all good. I'm not going to plug it because
that might be a bit shameless. I don't want people buying
tickets for stuff at the minute. Keep your money for groceries
and all that. But the tour happens in
September, October and. I'm just going to be quietly
confident that that'll go ahead until I hear any different and
I'm already buzzing for that and working on the material.
So there you go. I've got loads and loads of
questions. The podcasts are going to be,
I'm thinking about 45 minutes, roughly about 45 minutes because
I'm going to do 2 a week. So I don't want to burn out.
I say burn out. I mean, I'm just talking on the
sofa in my spare room, but you know what I mean.
I want to keep, I want to keep the stuff fresh and good, so
we'll probably do 245 minute podcasts a week.
And if I can get a guest, we'll maybe do more than that.
I've got listeners questions, the camera is going to stop and
then we'll start again right now.
Here we go, and we're back after we break because one thing I've
just found out remembered from this camera is that it records
for. 30 minutes and then. You got to, you got to hit
record again, so you didn't need to know that.
That's very, very, very, very boring admin.
But you know what now? If you don't know now, you know
not doing the. Last word of that right, I have
questions from the listeners and cheers for these because while
there's not much going on, I'm going to need loads of questions
and topics from you and you guys have delivered so cheers for
that. These are from Twitter and.
Instagram and if I don't read yours out, apologies but I'll do
it like next week if it comes in later.
Whatever. Or I just.
Can't see it. First question from Twitter is
from Tuba, who says what's the longest you've spent in one room
and what did you do? The longest I've spent in one
room was probably when I got out of hospital about five years
ago, four years ago, because I don't know if I mentioned it,
guys, but I've got Crohn's disease.
I've definitely. Mentioned it and.
We at the. Time Me and my wife, who wasn't
my wife at the time, we rented an apartment in Sydenham in east
Belfast and it was our first place.
It was the first time I'd ever moved away from home and I
basically got sick. As soon as we moved into it and
then I had to come out of hospital and go straight into
this apartment so I couldn't do the move or anything.
And I remember the apartment was tiny.
Like, but we loved it because it was what?
We kind of liked because. It was our first place.
But it was just a wee box. It was a ground floor flat and
it was tiny. And I had just come out of
hospital. I had this thing called post
viral fatigue that I didn't really know about at the time.
So I think I mentioned this in the podcast before I got out of
hospital and was waiting to like feel better.
But I just felt like I had a. Hangover for about a year and 10
months of that year were spent in that apartment, so I didn't
really go out much. I was like a bit of a hermit.
It wasn't as dramatic as I'm making it sound and making it
sound like that just in case Netflix want to make a film
about that time, but. Yeah, it was pretty crazy, man,
you know? But yeah, I just.
Spent a lot of time in there in this we like box living room
that we had tiny bedroom and just spent loads of time in
there watching all royal rumbles and doing stand up and I'd lost.
Loads of weight and I was taking drugs at the time for Crohn's
disease, by the way. I wasn't like pop and ease to
make myself feel better, but I was taking these drugs at the
time that what? Were they called?
Began my eye and they. Like really, it's so sly, but
they really swole up my lips, you know, and not in like a cool
like Botox way more in a like, what the fuck are you doing, you
freak? Like, if I if I'd walked in with
those lips to to do the vulnerable shop, they would have
just been like, yes, fast track this guy and don't let him pay
for his shopping. Get whatever this guy wants.
It's on the House, all right? It's on George of Asda, right?
Because, you know, George has got it.
So that apartment, I'd count that whole apartment as one
room. And that's kind of where I've
spent the longest. And what did I do?
I just watched stuff on YouTube. I fuck it was it was.
Grim like it was so grim I can't remember.
What I did, it was writing a lot of stand up at the time because
I'd had to have a long time off performing.
Well, not a long time but like 2 months, which to me at the time
was the longest ever I'd gone without and and so I was just
like buzzing to get back into that.
So I. Wrote in Edinburgh Show.
I wrote a a new yard of stand up based on the whole experience
called Sickbro as then when someone's like oh bro that's
sick. I literally was sick.
So I wrote a show. About it and that is on YouTube
it's I would cringe at it now I like it still on YouTube.
She and Todd Sickbro and it was just about that whole
experience. So when I was going through.
It I was like this is terrible now, but there is funny things
happening and I just kept we know to them all and then turned
it into what was a pretty cool show.
First time I ever did Mandela Hall.
That was like my first big sold out show and at the time 350
people in Mandela Hall or 400. And 50 maybe was the fucking the
pinnacle. I was like, this is it.
If it all ends tomorrow, I'd be happy.
And I would have been. So yeah, that's the longest.
Paul Moutre says. What do you think of peppermint
tea? What's your?
Favourite type of tea? Why there's so many coffee shops
and not tea shops, Paul? Several questions there.
We've had a few of them before, but I'm there's no judgments
here so I'm not going to get at you for it, but I'll focus on
this. Why are there so many coffee
shops and not tea shops? There are tea houses, you know,
like we Queen tea houses, but I guess you don't hear loads about
them now. But you do hear people going for
like, going for tea. You know, we're going for a high
tea, we're going for a high tea in the merchant, He's treating
me. We're going to the merchant,
he's taking me for a wee afternoon tea, you know, and
it's all like refined and people sitting up.
We triangle sandwiches and we tea pots of tea and then they go
and get fucking. Steaming in the hard.
Bar oh why this is like this is like road to Downton Abbey,
having a wee high tea, sit there for an hour, chug a couple of
cucumber and onion sandwiches, a pot of tea and then they go and
get fucking blitzed and benedicts.
You know, so I would like to see more tea places, more wheat tea
bars. I like that.
I think that'd be nice. I feel like if this podcast gets
released, when this podcast gets really successful, we could open
up our own, like, you know, tea with me.
Just tea with me, cafes, I think that'll be great.
We have a range of tea bags, all that.
I mean, I'm joking about that, but I genuinely would like that
up and I think that'll be great and I would love it.
Daniel, thanks for your question.
Daniel Hewson's friend of the show says would you rather lose
an arm and a foot or a leg and a hand?
So an arm, lose an arm and a foot or a leg and a hand.
Oh, I'm going to go with an arm and a foot because.
Because I like to get round and. Like rum.
I know I can't fuck. I can't tell if I'm missing a
foot. Jesus, Daniel, you've really
mugged me here. I don't know, man.
It's a difficult one. Ideally, Ideally, I keep both my
feet, both my legs, both my hands and both my arms.
But. Which is like the new remix of
Hokey Cokey, but I'd rather lose.
I'd rather lose a fuck. I mean, if I lose my hand, is my
arm not much good to me anyway. And no disrespect to anyone
who's lost hands or arms, Hands or arms.
Sounds like a German bad guy in a Die Hard film.
But I'd rather lose. I'd rather lose the foot.
Yeah, but then again, I've got a foot.
Fuck off, Fuck off. The.
Answer to that, Daniel. You've done me there.
Congratulations, Sir. I've no response to that.
Keith Mack says good on Keith. Keith, like a lot of people,
sent me messages a couple of days ago saying congratulations
on the on the the old baby news. So thanks very much for that.
I really enjoyed reading those. And then yes, I'm very, very
excited and it should be really great.
There you go. And that's the only time I'm
going to be nice on this podcast.
But yeah, I appreciate it too. Anyway, Keith goes do you
actually cold shore? And how do you not?
Freak out. It's a tad mental.
Yes, I have ice cold showers. I've talked about this in the
podcast before. Every day, every single day, I
have an ice cold shower. I don't turn the heat up as I
go. I don't start on a high heat and
bring it down. I go in while the shower is on
its coldest setting and it makes you.
Go the first few times, you have it all right, which is a bit
like Tom Jones. Spam me baby, you said like oh
right I am. Yes I do.
I why do I do that? Because I read one article
online. That said, like.
It's good for your blood or something.
So I went, all right, let's run with that for every day of my
life from now on that I'm fully committed to and.
I remember when. Me a couple of weeks ago, me
Aaron Butler and Rory Woods went up to the Galgorn and the water
was really warm and I but I really wanted to go in it and I
said to them. I haven't, I haven't been in hot
water in years and they were like, what the fuck are you
talking about? I said literally I don't have
baths. I just have cold charge every
day for years. So I was like, OK, all right,
I'll. Get in.
And then I got in and the skin went kind of a bit red like all
over. And I said to them, guys, show
me I'm not being mental here. Look, look at my skin.
Is, is is this red? And they went, yes, it is.
And I said I'm going to just stick to the cold.
So how do I not freak out? That's a good question.
I put on music really loud on my phone and I sort of like body
pop sing and dance my way into it.
Genuinely, 9 out of 10 times it's the greatest showman album.
So. Come alive, come alive.
And then I get I sing that and I'm dancing like Hugh Jackman
and I am the greatest showman, Big Barnum myself.
And I just get in and I sing and dance while I'm under the water
and I usually stay in there for like the duration of one song
and wash all over. It's a time mental.
Yes, it absolutely is. But give it a go.
Fuck it. We all have time in our hands.
Everyone get in a cold char and then when this is all over,
let's all get in a cold char together, am I right?
D McHugh says trying to get in shape over the old quarantine as
you yourself have the body of the way in the Rock Johnson.
Doth I have any tips? Well, yes, I do.
Well, I'm not really the rock. I'm more like the skimmer, you
know, So it's like, it's not a rock, but it's like a thin
stone, but it's still fucking. Stone, you know, so I don't know
if you mean that sarcastically, but at the minute, body wise, I
am. I'm I'm as repped as a second
hand condom. There you go.
That's that's a real statement that I've made and I stand by
it. I'll stand.
By you. And I'm here's this is mental.
Yesterday we're out for a walk and we're walking up this like
forest path up this pretty steep hill.
And I said to my wife. The the most 10 year.
Old thing anyone's ever said. Bear in mind I'm 31.
I said do. You want to just take a seat
over there and not bench. And I'm just, I'm just going to
like run up this hill a lot of times.
And she's so used to me now that she went OK.
And I did like 10 hill sprints. I did 5 then took a break like
with a wee break in between and then she timed me.
I would clap my hands at the bottom.
This. You really have to make your own
fun and quarantine. I would go.
To the bottom of the hill go, Yep, I'm ready.
Clap my hands. She would start timing her on
her phone. I run up the hill, tap the
bench, she would stop it. And I would try and beat my time
every time because I was going to do some sort of run to keep,
keep the joints moving And, and that was a lot of fun.
I really enjoyed it. So I'm doing workouts in the
garden. I got some weights, some
equipment I've got like a cable band.
I've got to like press up handles, you know, for like a
deeper press up. Oh my God, I'm such a Dick.
You know, man, just because, you know, you always want to hit
that deeper press up, you know, and I've got a barbell, a couple
of free weights. So I'm well stocked up and I'm
loving that. I'm just setting myself.
We workouts every day. I might post them up.
I did it yesterday and a lot of people slag me off for the day
before being like, what are you doing mate?
You're a comedian. But why not?
If Someone Like You man, gets any benefit out of it, I'll
stick them up. And my tips are, yeah, do a
workout every day and just be creative.
Like my mate Stevie, before we went on holiday once, he was
looking to sort of get a good few workouts in.
And he at this stage, he didn't have any workout equipment
really. So he had a like a gas canister,
like a big cylinder, big outdoor one and just big curls on that
and couple other things around the house.
So I would say just get creative with it and but do do it.
I'm going to do a workout after this because we had to go and do
the vulnerable shop this morning.
I'm going to do a workout after this for the radio show and
yeah, just do it in the garden and it's good fun.
And I sort of feel like I'm in prison in a way.
And part of me feels like if I stop working out, I'm going to
get sick. And that's a weird thing and
it's not true, but it's what I'm doing.
So do it too, Johnny Lindsay says.
Ever met any local celebs like McElroy, Dorn and Nesbitt
etcetera and chatted to them about Mike?
McGoldrick stories, or any of them actually true.
That's funny. So Mike McGoldrick, if you don't
know, I'm only joking. Everybody knows Mama Goldrick is
a character that I do, a posh N down socialite character and he
always talks about his close personal friends like McElroy,
Dornan, Nesbitt. And so have I met them before
and talked to them about Miami. Goldrick Yes.
I've met McElroy, Dornan and Nesbitt.
I met McElroy. I was always.
Aware of Rory McElroy kind of growing up because we're from
the same small town of Hollywood and.
You always kind of knew about him as like, oh, he's always
playing golf. He's a great golfer, so.
You sort of. Knew him as that but like I
didn't like. Know him, know him, I think we
all had a kick about. In the estate White City once he
lives right beside that. I used to and I think I remember
that stand the note once whenever I was a kid, but
everyone Hollywood also claims to be his best mate.
I mean I used to do I used to do karate with him.
What? No, you didn't.
And but we followed each other on Twitter.
I've obviously followed him anyway.
And then when the McGoldrick stuff was really popping and I
was doing a lot of it and when it was quite new out, he
followed the account and he, I think he still does.
I don't use that account anymore, but he still follows
it. And I sent, I played indoor
football with him a couple of times just by chance with
friends and I didn't want to ask, want to ask him.
This is like five years ago. I didn't maybe more.
I didn't want to ask him there and then because.
I guess people like him get asked for.
Stuff and to do stuff flat out and it could be a bit of a melt.
And I thought he's with all his mates here, I'll maybe just not
hassle him. And then I saw him a couple of
nights after that in Hollywood, I think it was around Christmas
and we were on a night out separately obviously.
And we got chatting and I maybe mentioned.
That I was like, look, I'd love to do a sketch with you, but he
was sometimes you're ever up for it.
And he said yeah. And truly his word.
We sorted out on Twitter and we did a video, Mike McGoldrick
meets Rory McIlroy, which was really.
Funny, I think and and he was just just the best guy, you
know, He, he didn't. First of all, he.
Didn't doesn't have to do it. You know, he's not getting
anything out of it and you know, a lot of views on YouTube, he's
not getting anything out of this.
So he's given up his time when he's home, which he doesn't get
to be home a lot. But he gave me his time, didn't
have to go through managers, agents, anything like that.
Gave me his number. He's like, look.
We'll just arrange this whatever you want to do, and this always
stands out to me the first time. Oh, sorry, when?
We sat down. I said to him, is there anything
off limits here Because his private life was being written
about all the time. Like.
Complete intrusion. And he said, I said, is there
anything off limits because. Look.
I I might not know the crack with something and make a joke
and he could get offended and he said take the best out of me in
whatever way you want. And as soon as he said that, I
was like that, That's, that's a real guy.
That's a real guy. And hey, I did take the.
Best out of him and he was brilliant about it.
So he he was, he was great. And I've I've only really met
him a handful of time since. We're not like regularly in
contact, but every, every time I've met him, he is very, very
like polite. He's very like engaging, you
know, and sportsmen and people like that, like live in just a
different world. But when you're chatting to him,
you're just chatting to a regular guy, you know, I think
the last time we were chatting, he just got engaged.
I just got engaged. So we're talking about that and
just had a good, good matter. So he's he's, he's a.
Proper, proper nice guy in my book.
Jimmy Dornan. Pretty much the same mutual
follow on Twitter. When he he tweeted the
McGoldrick video when it first came out and he hadn't done like
that much acting at that point. But had done all the Calvin
Klein ads and all that kind of thing and was doing some acting,
but wasn't the household name he is now.
And he retweeted one of the videos.
Which was such a cool thing to do.
And then when things kind of blew up for him, he still would
have chatted like we would e-mail.
The very odd time less and less now, obviously, considering how
busy he is and and how little downtime he probably gets with
his with his family. But now and again still chat and
again, just an absolute gentleman whose life has been
changed. Like you know, he was well known
before and now. You know.
Global mega star? Kind of, but still, we'll drink
in the usual bars in Hollywood and chat the people.
And yeah, very funny as well. Would love to do like.
A sketch with him. We'd love to do something.
I think it'd be good and I think people would enjoy it.
But again, very polite, very nice guy.
Jimmy Nesbitt. I did a gig.
I'm going to tell this story. Really quickly because I think I
did it before on the podcast not that long ago.
I got booked as Mike McGoldrick to do Paddy Wallace's
testimonial dinner. Paddy Wallace, a rugby player in
Titanic, Belfast, about five years ago.
I go and Paddy's partner says to me.
The singing waiters coming on but nobody else knows about it.
Borrowed me and you. So.
At the end of your set as Mike McGoldrick and I, so Jamie
Dornan and Rory McIlroy are there.
I I roast everybody, it goes OK, because not everybody knows who
or what. Mike McGoldrick.
Is so like quite a few people are like this guy.
So rude. You know, but at the end of my
set I have to say to this guy who's standing looking like a
chef, just watching from the side, I have to say to him, take
my pint off stage. I'm not doing it by myself.
He's the singing waiter, so me and him are in on it.
OK. Only me and him, though.
Jimmy Nesbitt's hosting. Nesbitt has had stouts.
Shocker. Nesbitt has had a few drinks.
All right, It's later on in the night.
I go to walk off stage as Mike McGoldrick.
Hundreds of people there. I say to this poor.
Chef, but bear in mind he's in on the joke.
I go, he's an opera singer. I go mate.
Grab this pint here before I go. This is on the microphone.
Everybody's like, that's so rude.
They think he's saying it in his character voice, but he means
it. And the guy's like, no, no, no.
And I was like, well, just fucking take it because
remember, this is the thing. This fucker melted for about 7
minutes and it was a standoff. And I'm on the Michael May take
the pint. And he's like, Oh no, I just
work here. And I'm like, you fucking don't.
I'm like, you fucking don't remember.
I think he thought he was a chef there.
He was that good an actor. And I was like.
Take this pint Jimmy Nesbitt hosting.
Nesbitt goes up to take the pint himself.
Jimmy Nesbitt sees enough of this, sees that people in the
audience are like, what a rude bastard, making the chef do
that. In my head, I'm like, he's not
the fucking chef, he's not the chef.
He's going to be singing this, he's going to be singing, he's
going to be singing Nessun Dorma in about 3 minutes.
But you don't even know that. I say it so many times that
Jimmy Nesbitt, the host who's a bit blitzed, walks past me,
grabs my pint and says to me just I'll take your fucking
pint. I'm going, why is this?
I look like the the worst guy since Hitler.
I was like, why is this singing waiter not come up and taking
the pint himself? He eventually like shakes hands
with Jimmy, walks past me, gets up.
He's like, sorry. Folks, I'm just the chef.
Then he's like. No, no, no, no, no.
Starts singing opera. Everyone's like, that's amazing.
He was actually a thing. But it went on that long that
they forgot that I was in on it. So after the set, I'm in the bar
and people are like, mate, that was slightly you did that chef
and I'm like, mate, do not remember, he's not a chef, but
he's not a chef. Remember he's I was in on it
with him. And they're like.
Yeah, whatever you say. So that is the only time I've
really met Jimmy Nesbitt. And I think that will always be
in his head, that I made that chef do that.
But then Jimmy, if you're Jimmy, if you're watching, remember he
was the singer. He was not really a chef.
And funny enough, I spoke to Jimmy Nesbitt about two weeks
ago and asked him to do this podcast and he said yes.
And obviously when all this stuff gets sorted and we get
back to normal, I'll get Nesbitt on the podcast.
Don't worry. He is, I promise.
That's true. He said yes.
Becky Elliott says what do I do now with my time seeing as I
have no A levels to revise for? Uh, honestly, learn a language.
I think I say that I plan to do that and I will not do that, but
I would like to see people learn languages like let's, let's do
like Latin, let's do extinct languages, let's do African act
like languages. I said accents.
I don't mean that. Let's play what, Becky, Whatever
you do, don't walk about doing African accents.
For the love of God. But yeah, we could.
We could learn languages, you know, but like crazy languages.
And do that and I don't know, I think have fun but also.
Do learn other things that aren't school related.
You know, if you, if you're, if you do need to be doing school
work, do do that. Keep, like, revise, do whatever.
And for like younger kids, definitely you're going to need
to keep learning in some way, but you know, learn how to fix a
tyre. People, people, I don't know why
I turned into Trump, OK, But I want I want everyone to if
you've been revised for your levels, fixed tyres, OK.
But yeah, we should all learn. I mean, I know how to fix tyre,
but but we should learn how to do stuff like that.
So let's all learn how to sew. I don't know how to sew cooking.
All things like that. I think we should take this time
to learn practical things. And I say that I'll do none of
it. I'll do none of it but Becky,
pick up a new hobby I think, and just roll with that and see what
happens. Maybe start doing a martial art
and just spend 22 hours a day learning it and then at the end
of it just go in the UFC. There's an anonymous question.
What are your thoughts on double on a double bagger?
2 tea bags, 1 cup. I mean to me two tea bags 1 cup
is more explicit and disgusting than 2 girls. 1 cup.
Don't double bag, especially at this time of crisis.
One tea bag, A cup. For the love of God.
Olivia Reed says talk about conspiracy theories.
I'm going to make a note to do that on the next podcast.
I'll look at some of the biggest conspiracy theories out there
and give my take on it. So Olivia, that's a great call,
but I'm going to roll it over. If that's OK for the next
podcast, we have two more questions.
It's Morton says. If you had to live somewhere
other than NI, where would you choose?
And any opinions on Edinburgh? First of all, love Edinburgh.
Great city. I like cities where there's an
old part and a new part and Edinburgh has that.
So I think it's a cool place and I'd like to get back there at
some point. If I had to live somewhere other
than NI where America, USA, I'd probably live in LA.
If it was practical because I'm a bit of a home bird, you know,
we're about to have a baby and. And, you know, we've got family,
we've got friends, but just off the top of my head, I'd love to
live in LA because I could do gigs.
I could be a top action film actor and it's sunny and all
that. So yeah, probably LA.
Last question, Owen Tier says how you keep busy during
isolation. I've probably answered that on
this podcast, but. Just.
Making videos, making sketches, doing all, doing all my wee
funnies, you know that and just spend a bit of quality time
with, with my wife. So yeah, just sort of just sort
of messing about. I'm just doing the things I
would normally do, but kind of more of them and not any other
things, you know, like I'm not. Going out to.
What like going out to the gym or anything like that?
So. Just trying to keep it all
normal, you know? But it won't be.
I mean, this podcast, in three weeks, God knows what I'll be
doing. I'll be totally nude, you know,
just talking about Russian abstract painting, guys.
Thanks. Very, very, very much for
listening to or watching the podcast.
The podcast is everywhere. I put the link up to it.
You can get an Apple podcast, Spotify, wherever I'm going a
bit faster because I need to pee.
So bad, so bad. And the video podcasts on
YouTube as well comes out twice a week.
Tea with me. I also do the Boy Town podcast
every Thursday with Dave Elliott and it'll be back next week.
Right back at you. We're going to do that over the
phone, but it'll still hopefully sound pretty good.
Thanks for listening. Tea with me, patreon.com/tea
with me pod. If you want to really support
the podcast, I'd appreciate that and you can check it out and see
what's available. Thank you very much for
listening and watching. See you send your questions in.
Oh, forgot about this. We have an e-mail address,
whichisteawithmepod@gmail.com, and you can send voice questions
in and we'll do those next week. Thanks for listening and
watching. Get that kettle on.