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Is that right down? That's correct.
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I've known this guy for many years.
I'm a big fan like so many other people.
We think he's not sure, but he's kind of sure.
He's the biggest selling comedian in the UK.
God knows what records he's broken.
His stuff online is brilliant, but then when you go see him
live you realise that the live stuff is actually just as good.
He is a legend of UK comedy and he's going to be back.
He's doing 5 SSE shows. He's coming back in September.
He's loved here like he is in so many places.
Just one of life's good guys as well.
So we'll talk about his successes on this episode and
how everyone's just so happy for him because he deserves it.
He works hard, works harder than anyone, and he's great.
Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy this Tea With Me episode
with the one and only Paul Smith.
Not the fashion designer we're talking just before this, but.
The last time we I know. You were on This is Over on the
The last time I saw you, you were having dinner in the
Clayton Hotel in Belfast. You were doing.
The Ulster Hall that night, Yeah, doing a headline show.
I was there with my mate Dave who runs.
Dave Elliot. Yeah, Dave.
Elliot, which is small comedy club upstairs above a bar.
Dave said. It was like getting a girl to go
over. Let me go, go over and ask Paul
if he'd do my club. That's kind of like at the bar,
you know, like playing with this bald hair.
I don't have her. And then I had to go over and I
introduced Dave and I said, look, I said to Dave, he's not
going to, he's doing the Ulster Hall.
He's not going to want to and he's on tour.
He's not going to want to come and do it, but we'll ask him and
I said if you want to drop into. Soft.
Faster. Because you were like, you're
like, I might do, but like I might do, but you know, I can't
commit to it or anything. And I said to Dave, Dave's like
he's suicide, but I don't think you'll do it.
And I said I don't think you'll do it.
And then the whole night was over at Pugs.
And then you just like showed up after doing, you know, 1000
people in the Ulster Hall. And it was like, you know, like
it's like someone showing up to five aside when they are up, you
know, sort of like, and then but you've got your boots, you know
what I mean? Like a full kit.
So Dave's like, Dave's like I've got to get him on.
She brings you on. And there was about going from
1000 people in the Ulster Hall. There's about 12-13 people in
pubs. And they did not find me funny.
Well, here's here's. Here's the thing.
Then it was like a tough night.
You went on. People were sort of talking
amongst themselves and it was like, you know, you're chatting
the people in the audience. And I've, I've genuinely never
seen anything like it because you maybe did 20 minutes on the
1st 15. You were just talking to people
and then in the, I was like, there's no energy in this room.
And then it just started coming together.
And then it hit and the night was like almost over.
And then you brought it back and then everyone was into it and it
was just this like. All I was interested, that old
guy who really didn't want to laugh at me there was like, I'm
staying here so you fucking laugh at me.
That's what you said that. You said that I.
Think I'm called Joe. I remember.
This I don't give a you can all leave your staying and I'm
staying. It's not going to laugh at me.
It's. Like Mick Jagger doing a soul
about Madison Square Garden and then just Boskin and the subway
station. And it was, but it was great.
And I love, like, I love that when you're in a city and, you
know, you could just go and do the tour show.
But I want to do sports, I want to do clubs and that kind of, I
think if you, if you lost that desire to do that, can't yeah,
you're not going to do it every night on tour.
But. There's, I think it's important
as well to like I always try and shout out the local clubs and
stuff when I'm on stage because I think a lot of people come to
these talk shows, they don't realise there's comedy clubs a
lot of them, yeah. Or like that's the way you
really do see the best comedy. So I like to do that as well.
I asked you, do you have many tour dates left on this tour and
you said it's it's winded down, you have 100 left.
We run it downward. Slow.
How many dates is this alter? I think we it's a big game.
I think we were on 215 shows. It was.
Over like a year? Is this like a year?
Yeah, technically, yeah. But there was speed that there
was a bit of a gap. So there was like, I think
there's about 15 shows at the end of last year and then it's
all been since January, kind of just went really hard.
And roughly I met ballpark how many people will this to be?
And I sold 1/4 of a million tickets.
Not long ago I bought myself a McLaren, didn't I?
You know, the biggest compliment I can give you is you're the
you're the only person who can get away with, you know, show
when everyone because people that are into like myself and so
many people have seen you since, you know, you started putting
out clips and it's almost like this journey of comedy.
But then the cars have just gone up and you can post a vlog type
video of you picking up the keys to McLaren F1 and people like
Paul. Brilliant mate, well deserved
that kind of thing. If if.
If I post a video, if I posted a video of me by myself, a pair of
shoes that were £120, it'd be like you fuck, you're out of
touch. Change.
Yeah, I remember you. Were you've got that one my wife
bought me. She did shout at my wife, but
but yeah, that just shows how on board with you people are.
But see, doing like 1/4, I will talk about like the journey of
like from when you start because I did a gig with you about 13
years ago in the Crown Hotel in Liverpool.
Your long hair. You did.
General, can I am as an aside to that, yeah.
When you did that gig, right, you were supposed you were
supposed to come over about a year before that when we were in
a club called where we started in a club called MV.
Yeah. And you couldn't get over for
whatever reason. And there was a local act called
Andrew Kenny. It doesn't do it anymore.
It was, it was one of them acts. He was like, it was so hit and
miss. He was just like, but he was
just so keen. And he come down that night and
he's like, can I get on, please? We were like, no, no, Shane
Todd, son. And then you turn that you
couldn't make it. She's like, please can I get on?
We heard you can only go on if you're Shane Todd.
Yeah, so he went on and all just kept telling the jokes, but
dying on his ass and going I'm Shane told everyone and nobody
told you that had happened. So I thought you were so shit.
The people 40 was you imagine, remember that Shane had died on
his ass and we were like, yeah. Imagine the Live at the Apollo
hookers were in that night. I know we did feel bad about it
and nobody soldier. So when he came over I was like,
is anyone going to tell him now? I'm not telling him.
Is that why only now am I building some sort of reputation
in Liverpool? That's why I'm now figuring out
why people come to see me in hot water.
They're looking at each other like.
It's so different. What's this guy called Andrew
Kenny and he's not doing anymore?
No, no. Good.
Good, you know. What I'm going to start doing,
I'm going to start doing gigs in Liverpool as good as I can and
call myself Andrew Kearney and really set the bar so high for
him and make him go back and I don't.
Think you'd have to do gigs that big deal, yeah.
That's funny, I remember. He was a nice kid, he said.
Yeah. I remember that was when I'm
disorganised, but I've got better at it and I'm bad.
I don't know, but he used to be really, really bad and and I
remember asking for a gig in hot water and this was like way back
in the day would have been one of my first gigs outside of here
and getting a message from Ben Dear Paul who run hot water.
And it was like me, at what time will you be down, up?
And I was at home. Yeah, that must have been.
That must have been the. Time, yeah, I had, I had like I
thought it was a totally I got like the wrong month.
Or something. I think that's why, because Ben
seems like fucking prick, but I still can't.
You've got, you've got to be Shane's heart now.
Sure, I should have done that moment Me like I can't make it
over. I'm sorry.
I guarantee I wrote back me a traffics man, you know what I
mean? Like I couldn't just go I fuck
this. I'd still be trying to do still
be trying to do something. That's funny because I remember
there was a this makes so much sense.
There was a Twitter account set up like a parody of me.
Yeah, I think that was, and I kept saying about Catch Me in
Liverpool Tonight for months after that went on and he would
be like, I have a DVD coming out, it's called I've Done
Another bad. Set but it was so scary though,
I wish I had a video of it because it was so funny because
he just kept progressively getting shit there and going.
Shane told everyone. Oh God, I'm so sorry.
I did. I apologise.
I was like, yeah, maybe 13 years ago, was in a hotel, hot water
then. You had long hair, did you?
I've tried to block. Them.
Or maybe it was Andrea Kearney. Pretend the debate you.
Did that long? To be fair, No, I did that long.
And you thought that was me. Look, I was going.
You mean trying to find yourself?
Yeah. This is going to be my.
This is going to be my stage persona.
Yeah, I remember that gig because, yeah, it's one of the
first ones I've done. I said at home and I was buzzing
for it and it was great. It was great.
But you sort of gigs like come and go, so you just sort of
expect maybe come back and do this at some point, but you
don't expect hot water to kind of turn into that thing.
And when you look back at gigs you did back then, a lot of
people you look at on the line up like that guy aren't doing
stand up anymore. But that was like you Adam Row.
There's a couple other guys I remember that were on that are
still kind of gigging. Yeah, but yeah.
Why? Why did hot water as a club take
off so much? Why did that stick?
And so other. So many other.
Clubs, I think it's much the same as like if you look at the
Belfast like your comedy scene, everyone in the UK is like
obviously overwork in England study is talking about because
it's might be it, isn't it? They all sell arenas.
Yeah, like everyone of you is like massive though.
It's like there used to be at the end the machine of my school
that and it was like in the PE department of way away from
everywhere else. And if you put any coin into it,
you could pull a button down to get your change back and it
would give you double what you put in.
But I discovered this and never told anyone.
Why? Because it was giving me money
back and I was like, don't fix it.
I said if I tell someone, they'll fix it and it'll stop.
That's like our comedy scene here.
We're trying not to tell anyone about it because we're selling,
we're doing arenas. So we're like, don't let, don't
let anyone, don't question it. Don't do anything.
Just just get as much out of it as we can and let's keep going.
But but liver during Liverpool's like at 2.
I think we had the kind that because we all, we didn't
realise it was getting how big it was getting like the club and
we were all just like because it was a Sunday night club at 1st
and then it went to Sunday and Friday, then Friday, Saturday,
Sunday. So it was a full weekend but
like still a small club and the fees weren't great but like so
we couldn't really. And we had the competition in
the city so like people were putting embargoes on us.
We were struggling to get access certain times.
So we were all just gigging. I, I mean, I don't think I
missed the gig there in like what, in nine years?
And it got to the point where it was every night.
I was just gigging every single night, right.
And we were all just there, all the.
Time full time stand up. Yeah, just full time stand up,
but like it was wasn't the best money, but it was full time.
I wasn't doing anything else. So it was May Row, Rob Summers,
Tony Carroll. So all this like Scouse Axe.
Yeah, just getting loads of stage there.
Yeah, I'm in a place where we were kind of comfortable enough
to go, well, if I fuck up, if I can do any for the one here,
because if I fuck up, they're not going to go.
You're not coming back next week.
So I can just go on and feel free to just say whatever the
fuck I want. And it's a kind of, yeah, gave
us all that freedom. And once one of us were getting
better. Like I try, I wear my shows out
now. I did this by accident about
four years ago. I, I filmed me special in
November and then I never do tour shows in December because I
always do the Christmas runs of the club because it's good for
them. Like it's just they and because
they're, they're a bit mad and there's like fucking set 7 shows
a day. Yeah.
So that's always me. Adam Rowe, like Troy Hawk, just
like just Danny McLaughlin, just killers.
So like got to the got to the start film show in November, got
to the 1st of December. It was like 6 shows a day.
Like I'm doing sets. I'm gonna swap them now.
So I'm going to close some shows and stuff and I thought, fuck,
I've been something material. I've got no material.
I've just put a DVD out right And it's on sale.
Yeah. So now I can't go on and do this
stuff because I'm I'm quite like self-conscious about doing that.
So I was like, shit, what I'm going to do so far, I'm gonna
have to just do new stuff and we have to go go on after Adam Rowe
and Danny Mack and do new stuff, right and hope everyone doesn't
work. I'll come.
He's not as good in real life. Yeah, yeah.
So I went on. I make it was I was fucking
about for the first on by by the end of the first day, I was
like, I've got a solid 20. Like it's right, new 20.
And then by the end of that month, I had the new hour
because I had to, right? And then I was like, I would
never have chosen to do that. Do you mean do you mean to kinda
improvise more, riff more and not?
Half more and because you throw yourself in at the deep end you
have to kind of raise the baggage raised and you have to
that kind of meet it. You know what I mean?
So if you following Adam Row and Danny Mac doing new stuff, that
new stuff very quickly has to get very good, Yeah, or you're
just going to get booed off the stage.
So just, it seems to work. So that's how I do my new shows
now. I'll just get on them.
December Christmas shows that everyone's a cons.
Do you, do you think about the fact that Belfast has such a
good scene at the minute, Liverpool, places like Glasgow,
do you think that's like a like an industrial working class?
I think Docklands I've got I've got a mad theory about the fact
that it's like you got it because in a dockland city you
got a lot of mishmash of people got a lot of mishmash of men
together. And I'm not trying to be sexist
or yeah, historically would be mentor me.
And the way men seems because we're all Dick heads and
children, don't we can't like be open and go.
It's quite kind of scary being a new place, isn't it?
Right. So the best thing for us to do
is go. The only way we know, no, we're
not equal and we're not going to fight is I'll call you a Dick
head, you call him a Dick head. We all just take the piss out of
each other. And then once you've learned you
can take the piss and be at the pace taken out here in a way
that you can cope with, it kind of just settles out.
That's where the sense of humour comes from.
You know, that's such an interest in theory that you're
right because the stuff that works best in comedy clubs and
online is that kind of like quick fire replying to people
you do better than anybody else is is bouncing off the audience
when and kind of taking the piss, but in a respectful way,
you know, a line. Yeah, there's a line, Yeah.
And that you're right that it is kind of like being being like in
a workplace or something like that.
And maybe in places like London. No, it's easy to say like all
the scene in great gigs in London, but it's just massive.
There's two or three great gigs. But but if you did that there, I
think if you, if you went in and were like, all right, mate,
where'd you get that coat? People will be like, this is
this is horrifying abuse. You go to gaol, you go to gaol.
The gaol people be like don't. Do not assume this is a coat.
This is a shot. You know, you go to prison for
that. But like, I think people are
more people. That is more the way because
when I go to Liverpool or Newcastle or Glasgow or a few of
these other places, I don't really feel like I'm away from
home. Whereas when I'm in London and a
few other places, I feel far from even though I.
Feel the same, absolutely the same.
I feel much more to home in Ireland than I do.
Have you, like, you know, got into that Liverpool way of being
in hot water and doing solo shows and that kind of thing
where you just take the piss out of the audience?
And have you ever gone to like another place in that mood and
find the audience to. Be like, hey, it's now it's I'll
get away with a bit more now because people kind of come
because they've seen that if anything, it's the other way
around. Whatever, Don't do it Enough
people go, oh, you didn't fucking take the piss out.
I mean, like you may. You were 800 seats back.
Yeah, I didn't know you were there.
People get really. He's not.
Taking the piss out of my. Shoes.
I messaged you before the show and John was in.
When you shout John out, that's what we should do.
See. See when you're doing a big
show, see if you read out all the requests people have for
It's My Birthday. Allison just got promoted.
See, if you read those out, you wouldn't have time for the show.
No, you just be. Not only that, if you if you
shows Allison's birthday, I was, Yeah.
And because 6000 people, statistically a lot of them
people have got a birthday and it's my birthday too.
Yeah. I made the mistake of doing it
when I first started because I'm a soft bastard of the sense of I
get these messages. And it wasn't used to getting,
like, messages like, that's. So I'm like, oh, yeah.
OK. Yeah, Allison.
But then they don't say fuck all back.
Yeah, because they don't know that's happening.
So I'm like, where's Allison? Is it Allison?
Yeah. Is Allison's best.
It's my birthday. I'll fuck off you.
Yeah, speaking like shadows gone wrong.
Me and William Thompson did a one off radio show on local
commercial radio last weekend playing like rave music.
Give people shout out. Someone wrote it, some like
woman wrote it because I didn't have time to like look at on the
WhatsApp and the radio studio, look at people's profiles, what
each other that kind of some some message comes in.
It says are you 2 showing like you're broadcasting from your
wee bedroom. So like a bit of a slag.
I reply on radio live. I said, we're not, we're not
doing it from our wee bedroom. We're we're broadcast from your
ma's bedroom. I mean, well, you're like, hey,
play a song. Text comes in as soon as that
song is playing straight away. My mother died a long time ago.
I was like Jesus. And then me and William are
sitting there. I'm like, we're going to get in
so much shit for this. Then another one text again
wrote. But this was her favourite song.
And it was like. It was like Hadaway, what is
love or something? So like, have you, you know, in
in with that crowd interaction and that kind of thing and
knowing where the line is? Have you ever done something
like totally innocuous or responded to someone and like
got like quite a bit of shit for it?
Or put a clip I did. Well, that clip went out
yesterday. It's from a couple of years
where the guy in front of a cancer.
Yeah, and I just immediately went wow, you selfish prick for
bringing that up. I was like, well, how fucking.
Why have you got to make this about you?
We all know it's we all know you've got cancer.
We've seen your Facebook. I always back.
It's malignant and you know your dad go and worry.
Where are you going with this? But you can't like I could see
him laughing. I could see his daughters
laughing at it. So like I'm and I could feel in
the room, it's going mad. So I'm like, you know, you play
in the room, right, Because if it's gone the other way and
gone, I'm so sorry to hear that mean.
It just would have created such attention.
Of course, I would have never been out to break.
So I actually just immediately go that way.
I could hear Danny. You know, it's funny when you
hear Danny Mac backstage crying, right?
So like this is all like this come off stage and a message.
Really. The camera guy, I was like, did
you get that? He was like, yeah, I went, I'm
not sure about that one, you know, and but then his daughter
message made me go. Thank you so much for.
That breaking their attention. In like a year, yeah.
So like I thought I was Sam put it out but because you clip.
Yeah. So like, you got 90 seconds to
get that in, so you're taking pauses out and shit like that.
So I'm like, fuck sake, man, fucking, I don't know about
this. Yeah, we put it out and fucking
Blair from the club because he's a fucking knob and he loves an
algorithm. He's just, he put too far.
Questionmark. You fucking love it.
You're asking for.
Yeah. Watch these bad comments drive
this right up here. He put it.
I was again yesterday and people are going mad like people got
and then people are defending it and stuff like that.
Yeah, and it does help the clip. Or fuck me that it's terrified.
The only important thing there is was the guy laughing.
How he looked exactly I got him. He came back to the next.
I was there. I put him in a guy 'cause he's
because he he's in full remission, OK, I got a picture
with him yeah. People don't give a fuck about
that. And he goes on the threads and
and like defends me on the threads, right.
Yeah, So like, and his daughters are all defending me, but like,
now it's terrible. He said cancer.
I was like, it wasn't a joke about cancer.
Joke about him being selfish. You're bringing it up.
Yes, That wasn't a joke about. There's another one with him
again. I did Barrow and the show.
It started and I've been on a couple of minutes and I started.
So I'm like just chatting, like saying hello and stuff like
that. And then a guy just gets like,
I've sold this before. I'm pocket but a guy just gets
wheeled in like so slowly though since like so.
Have you seen it? Like so, so painfully slowly.
It seemed to to to only see the clip and not the context.
Seemed like you just started your set.
I have. Right.
So I've been on like literally 2 minutes, said hello, welcome to
the show. Then that happens and I'm like,
Sonny's getting pulled in and there's only disabled space
around the middle of the front row.
He's getting pulled into the space and he's like he's he's
it's a red rag. Yeah, yeah, And it all look and
I could just see them all going. What do you all think I'm going
to say? Like what do you think I'm going
to say so and so, but he's greatly his name's nearly
messaged me all the time and it was like, I don't make, you
know, like events of being better.
And I was like thankful save my life there.
But then I so. If he says no to that.
No, so I carried, but I carried on talking because I'm another I
cut it to the so there's two lads and a girl in the front
now. So I thought I'm going to move
away from that because I've got away with me.
So I started talking to the issue and it's like so I was
like I said this, this she misses and he went no, that's me
mum, but she looked quite young this woman, so she was tiny.
My fuck off. You're his mum.
He's fucking massive insurance. I know, Yeah, I went fucking Ali
must have done some damage coming out like you're looking
at the block and everyone just said and I was like, shit, I've
gone too far. It's the the the.
Subsequent debates in the comments is the wild thing.
Yeah, I put out a clip from this podcast and not that long ago
where I said to to two guests, I said would you rather, and this
is the way verbatim is kind of way I said it, would you rather
be bombed by like a like a small deck for 5 minutes or, or a
massive deck for one minute? I think that was the question
and when. You make for five and it's
definitely. Exactly.
Well, the more all these people kicked off, a lot of people
kicked off. But and then I kind of held my
hands and I realised I shouldn't, the one option should
have been the real answer, which is a medium sized deck for 2 1/2
minutes, right? But it kicked off massively.
All the comments of like, you know, this is homophobic this
and I'm, I shouldn't apply to comments.
I was like, you know, the guys that I'm asking like are both
not one of the guys who's not heterosexual, right?
So I was like, I'm not, it's not a conversation between three
straight guys. You know, there's a bit of a mix
here and the comments under it that started off like all good.
And then there was a few negative ones.
There was a little bit of back and forth.
And then a subsection of these comments just became like a
Royal Rumble for these gay guys being like some guys like, you
know, I find this really homophobic.
And then other guys like, I'm gay, I love this.
And then other guys like, well, you shouldn't, you shouldn't
love this being gay. Like, and let's get who do you?
Why are you the spokesman for gay guys?
And it was just, it was just a big gay storm and I was right in
the middle of it and I've never been happier.
And just sitting. I was like in a tornado of like
a big gay debate and I loved them.
And then there's these gay guys DM and we being like, yo, we've
you know, we've got your back. And then there's cheeky ones
being like, I've got your back eggplant emoji, you know, like
some gay guy was like, so I got some message.
Some guy being like, like, like if it ever came to it, he's
like, I'd suck you off. And I was like, we're not the.
It's not relevant to what we're saying here.
But I mean, it's just the worst thing you can do, I suppose, is
get in the comments. And sometimes I find it hard not
to not the reply and be like, I don't know how you don't see
this or if you have done something wrong.
I don't know. It's hard to like, obviously you
should just not say anything. Yeah.
The. Lunatics.
But yeah, people were a keyword like your counsellor thing where
like you. Yeah, people believe it's an
emotive thing. I can see why it's an emotive
thing. But like, I'm not you're not
watching this stuff. What do you think was?
Was there a clip you put out that kind of was the first thing
that like blew up for you and you remember what that clip was?
Yeah, I know exactly what it was.
It was. It's not, it's not, it's not
that. It's basically what it was when
we did when we first started filming at the club.
So we didn't have cameras or not.
And so Paul was like, I'm going to start filming clips and I was
like, no one's going to watch that.
What are you talking about? And he was like, no, And he said
we're going to film. So they had two camera guys in.
So I said, well, let's make it look like good, like live the
Apollo as much as we can. So while I was on, they were
filming the audience. So like cuts aways.
So I was joking with people in those early clips, like all the
laughs you can see, they're mine.
So I had to go out the 10 acts on a Monday night and they're
all getting like 5 minute video. So I had to just go on MC at the
start and then between the axe was just doing as little as it
possibly could to get the next act done.
Yeah, so it goes on. This guy had come off and I knew
the next guy was like he did one liners.
So I'm both to bring him on a guy.
He gets a brand in the middle of the front rooms goes the toilet.
So I thought I'm gonna have to stay here until he comes back.
When you're MC and you know, that's the most difficult thing
I'm seeing when you haven't got to fix time.
Yes. So you could you because it's
people go. How do you how do you get all
these things when you're MC and how how come you pick on PV so
quick and I don't It's a fucking trick 1 You only see the best
things I say because I put them all just clips.
Yeah, 2. Like if you come to the club,
people don't notice it, but you'll go out.
What's your name? I'm Jane.
Are you Jane? What do you do Jane?
I work in admin now. That's lovely.
Move on. No one remembers.
You've done that It's just so like you got that option.
When you've got like a 10 minute.
But when you thought I don't know how long he's going to be
so but I just got really lucky? And I picked on this guy and
then what do you do anyway? I could Jaguar and his maiden
name like that. And I'm like, well, has he just
looked at you like a lion then? And his baby?
I mean, you, deaf host, I'll be. Here.
And he's right. He fucking does, doesn't he?
He sells me. And everyone just went mad
because he had the dead nice watch on and all that.
And I was like, What Car have you got?
He went to Range Rover. Like you deaf host, I'll be
here. So I'm jumping around.
Everyone's going fucking mad. And that was that was the clip.
Yeah, because it got his Jaguar Land Rovers massive in
Liverpool. So it got like shared around
their lows. But I went away 60th to Portugal
and I came back after like a week and Paul was messaging on
this clips come mad you know? And I was like yeah you just
don't, it just doesn't make any sense.
Yeah I came back and then I got back late, took the baby to
Tesco to get some milk and bread in there and it was like 3
fucking mad scally lads just followed me around Tesco's and I
was like got mugged in Tesco and then they were like at the end
of the aisles and I kept every time they were like always at
the end just looking down saying what the fuck is that?
And then a woman stopped me for a picture and then someone else
and then someone else. And then people, they all, they
came over and it was like a queue of people for pictures.
And I'm there with the baby thinking.
And he's just, it's, it's, I'm all right with it now.
Yeah. Yeah.
But it is weird at the time, you don't know how to be.
Yeah. He just had.
Two cameras going on one time, you don't know which one.
Yeah. And you're like, don't.
Look the one get the wrong camera but yeah, so we're not
did you is it difficult to like do you have a thing where you go
oh I want to put out a clip a week Is it like a formula type
thing I. Don't even, but I don't think
about that at all, right. I don't do any of that because
I'll be honest with you, there's no rhyme.
I keep messing him going because the stuff from Christmas.
Well, because I'll message him sometimes if I do the club
especially, I'll go at the boss bit there.
That was a funny bit. And so and and I've messaged him
every song. Where's that bit?
Oh yeah, it's in the queue. I'm like, that was December, he
goes. Yeah, oh, right.
OK, so I I don't, I think I can literally not work now for three
years and still get a clip a day out right of stuff no one sees.
You've you're like print. You've got a vault.
You know, the way Prince had like.
It's awesome. I don't know where it is.
It's awesome. Yeah.
I don't actually own any of it. I don't own myself at all.
I'm the most stupid business person ever.
Someone is very rich. I don't know if you've seen the
Elvis movie, but at the end when he's in Vegas, you in hot water
with cheeseburgers. I want somebody missing.
She was like, you know, this is you though.
Yeah. I was like, Oh no, it's going to
end the fucking. Just stick an MDMA me and push
him onto the stage every night. 5th, 5th show of the night.
And I'm like, what do you do? Can't do this.
Anyone. You have no response.
To it, you're just asking them. What do you do?
But you know people. Would still love that, you know
what I mean? God, I know that was a
horrifying moment staying Captain Tom.
They just said you were the backdated bill.
Because he would do like some of the shit he doesn't.
That film probably would definitely do, you know, like
when he makes the badges go. And I hate, I hate Elvis.
I'm surprised he. Hasn't got.
He probably sent those. He probably starts putting
negative comments and go for combat.
This how he said this about cancer in it just to drive up
the algorithm. He's a fucking genius.
That's mad that like because we forget with doing the part we've
done that many episodes of this podcast that, you know, when we
first started doing it, you'd maybe have a clip from a
podcast, but with tech talk and that algorithm picking up things
that are so short. You'd probably have like 20
things from nor long conversation.
And I could just be a sentence like some of the best stuff on
tech talk or Instagram nowadays is is like a sentence nearly.
So you if you are willing to go back, you probably there's a
treasure trove of stuff. But if you were didn't because
the way you boys were doing hot water, that's one thing over
here looking at it. I was always like so jealous of
them and so much admiration for was hot water at different
venues to the point where you'll be like I'm here at half seven
and then I've got to run down the street and do 10 minutes
there. That's cool.
And then and that was because that's.
A. Pass each other on the way.
Yeah, just like we we high 5. What would it?
Because I got a marathon. You're getting a legacy in
sport, you're just getting a Greg's.
Is always a pint. Yeah, pints again.
Do you? Do you?
Do you drink on tour night? Sometimes I've been trying not.
I'm training for the fights. I'm trying not to.
I, I this, I come up, I can't resist the Guinness, especially
here because like you just can't get Guinness like that.
I know everyone says it, but you just can't get Guinness like
that back home. Yeah.
So I come here and I'm like, I'll just have one Guinness and
then I fucking. When is your?
Messy November the 4th. MM AM.
MA. Full and it's gonna.
Like keep getting paddled because I've got, I've got the
shittest gay leans ever, right. And people keep commenting on it
because I keep emitting pads and stuff every day.
Yeah. And always like this.
Yeah. So it looks like I've got the
fucking BTS or something. So I just picked that guy.
I was like, fucking hell, I'm a baguette.
How many people will be there for the fight?
I don't know. It's in the iodine.
So it's like 18,000 seater. I don't know.
I mean, I just, I don't know. I don't know how he's going to.
We did comedians, charity, boxing, and that was to 1000
people. Yeah.
And like we're still talking about like any excuse to like it
was the best thing and people probably watch or like stop
talking about that. It's the the because it's the
adrenaline is similar to standard, but it's a totally
news thing. Yeah, yeah.
It just like it consumed everyone, that it consumed their
lives, Yeah. Because Paddy was going to come,
Paddy said. He's because Paddy was over, he
was going to, he was going to come and do some pads and spy
with me a little bit. But yeah, I think he just you
think he went this bar when he was over there, went to our spar
when he was over there. I.
Think I was it either being disappointed spas are not as
good as yours right now. What is it?
Our sparse house This A. Question I want to ask what?
Does our spar have? Want to know in Southern Ireland
they have like delis and stuff and yes the food and those spas
is better than restaurants back home.
I say I look for. I swear I had like 3 sandwiches
a day out of one of them spas one day.
I'm just picturing you sitting down do a jam bond with like
proper like, you know, like proper napkin, proper cutlery
being a dish like this down South.
So they have and you know, United Ireland gets to beat it a
lot. But I don't think people ever
consider this. See the cheese they have in
their delis? I don't know what it is, but
it's a lot of it's like grated cheese, but it's a lot of
different colours. Mixed cheese product.
Mixed, there's a Leinster in there or Leicester in Leinster.
There's a cheddar, there's a there's a baby bell, you know
the the like. So why are they?
That's what I'm saying and there's this some cover up.
Why are they so sick? You know what's going on with
the cheese. I would need to find out before
I made a decision. On any kind of yeah, yeah,
unification of the it's. Strange like it's.
Unified the cheese. Yeah, they won't.
Like, they won't talk about it. They will not talk about it.
Yeah, someone you know, when you're in Dublin, next to
whatever, just ask the audience. There'll be a deathly sentence.
What's going on with the cheese? What's going on with the cheese?
We stick the we just have the one cheese, you know what I
mean? We'll tell you what to cheat.
But anyway, it's. Just called cheese.
We just have cheese. Straight up cheese and cheese.
You mentioned earlier about you sent about the cat wanting the
cameras and hot water to look like live at the Apollo.
Yeah, we don't do that anymore. We decided against that.
What do you? Because we talk the audience out
again. Because everyone goes.
I don't want to be. Enough to do, all right.
Yeah, well, maybe. Even if you like because you put
signs of going, you are agreeing to be in the video by being in
the audience. Yeah, but you just I'm not
saying this is bad, but the amounts we were going to give me
mental health problems that yeah.
And you go fuck bastard. Yeah, or like Liverpool be the
same as Belfast would be a lot of guys coming up to me being
like me. I can't be blur my feet.
I'll give you £50 to blur my face because I shouldn't be, you
know, out. But did I want to ask you about
live of the Apollo? Because in 1/4 of a million
tickets I don't know who, if anyone, sells more tickets than
you in the UK. Must have, I don't know.
But when you look at live at the when you look at live at the
Apollo, you know, I automatically go, well, why are
you? Why do you?
Why are you not being offered your own TV show and this and
that? Or if you no interest in that.
I'm bit funny about live the Apollo we.
I just use that as an. Example we chatted about it, I
chatted to a guy about it who pitched me for it and they were
interested but I said that I wouldn't do any material on it
right because I don't feel comfortable letting them have
control of my material. I've done this for 18 years and
I structure those stories in a particular way.
So if you're going to start cutting bits out, I don't trust
that you know what you're doing, right.
So like, I'm not, and this is not me slagging anyone off.
I'm just saying like, absolutely right.
I don't, I don't listen to. It's just I feel like you've got
your own specific voice. So I I've got really good
comedians who give me points on stuff and I kind of just, it
never fits him at what I'm saying.
Yeah. So I'm kind of a bit funny about
that. I don't like them having the
control. They could represent your stuff.
Yeah, yeah. They just, they cut it in
different ways. And so I said, so they were
said, would you consider going on and doing crowd work?
Which I considered for a minute and I was like, oh, that would
be quite interesting doing it. But then I've got nothing to
gain from it because my videos get more views than love the
Apollo and I decide how they're cut together.
And also like, it's, it's a weird situation.
Love the Apollo. You're in there.
The daytime when you film it, the lights are all up in the
audience for good time. Yeah, yeah, They film it in the
day. So because they filmed them all
in one day, don't they? So there's like 5 shows in a
row. OK so like it's it's a tired
crowd. They're not really Again, you're
gonna have the same problem with people as if I pick on someone
and get a really good bit, but I make someone look a bit stupid,
they're not gonna be on a bit live the Apollo get made to look
stupid or. And there might be a celebrity.
Called them a non so if you. If you make and see Harry a cry
or something. Yeah yeah, your food shit you
and you'd really constrained the way you're gonna go like and
what you're gonna say like the the the best bit like going back
to the if that thing happened with the cancer which was
absolutely the right thing to the other room if that happened
at live the Apollo. They would.
They wouldn't put that. Absolutely no.
They'd stop the show. I think they'd just stop.
Yeah. No, no.
And then I'd never be invited back.
Yeah. But yeah, so I'm a bit like just
a bit dubious. I've, I've had a few people
approach me about TV stuff, but I've said I won't do stand up on
selling just unless you want to put my special out.
Yeah, Yeah. Entirety.
Then you can buy that if you want to buy it.
But it it's funny how like when you start out, I don't know
about you, but personally, me and the comedians are meets with
here. That's all we talked about was,
you know, the time was Michael Mcintyre's comedy or live at the
Apollo. That was the pinnacle.
That was that was validation. That was like, I'll know I've
achieved something when I've done stand up on TV on a show
like that. And then over time, especially
nowadays, that changes where you look.
I personally look at something like that as like a, oh, that
would be like a nice bonus That would be like, that would be
cool to do that. But I used to actively pursue
stuff like that so much to the point where I made my ACT as TV
friendly as possible. And it's not and was, you know,
like I'm not you wouldn't watch my set and go.
He couldn't be on TV. There's some stuff you can't use
that not. But the second like I felt
personally that I stopped trying to be what I thought ATV
producer would like. Yeah.
Then I started to enjoy my own stand up so much more.
So it's it's too difficult to do that.
You can't really like they asked me because the guy was really
pushing going what would you what would you like?
You must I said I haven't got any material I could do.
I'll have the Apollo, like none. And they were like, you must
have. I went.
I said OK, I said I'll cut the most live of the Apollo bit at
most last show and send it here. This has never been released, so
you could use it if you want to use it.
And it was a piece about getting pegged by me missus, a really
graphic piece about what it feels like to be pegged by your
missus. And he just went, yeah, you're
right. Yeah, he said this is no one
else. I'll say well, the rest of it's
about taking DMT. So like if you want to go down
that road that's worse than this bit.
Yeah, yeah. So he was like, Oh yeah, I see
what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, you can't It's it's
it's stand up not fun there like that.
If you it's just no fun you. Have all the questions?
No. So this is how I know it's
probably that small Dick for 5 minutes is much better.
What size was? Well, do you know what every
good story about this I tell you about taking one of the bus I
carry around and it was it was probably the greatest time and I
not being pegged, which was actually better than a force.
It was going to be born. We were talking about this we
got because we got a like a thing.
There's a local de sponsored a couple of like sponsor Freddie
Quinn's podcast and the call Taylor too.
So we end up getting some stuff off them and he sends it across
as like a finger. And I was like, oh fucking hell.
So I got it out and I was like, it's like 6 inch build up like
thing with around the end. But I've always said I've said
that on stage. I've always left said me decks 6
inches, 6.2 inches leans a little bit to the left.
I've said it a few times in jokes.
So I was like, I think bigger than that.
And she was like, yeah, I think it is.
Yeah, I actually got a real that mentioned me there and it was
bigger than I thought it was. I had an extra like I was 7.4
inches inches. Yeah.
And I was like, so I've gained, I've gained 1.2 inches.
Sorry I I could have said 9 points.
Let me let me open that. Let me open that into a subset.
So I'll do you for a minute. Let me, let me give me, give me
one. You're McLaren, you can do it
for. 2. Let me ask you this.
Go. To know the actual size, do you
not think? And I don't want to get into it
like I did with the southern cheese.
Different size every day. Different size every No well, I
mean dependent depending if you're an erector though yeah
no, your climate because it. Depending on climate.
No, I don't think that affects mood.
Action Altitude. We'll get the tough amount.
It's smaller. My.
The Mama I was at sea level at the time.
If you look and you if you were if.
You were at the top of my mouth. If you're a Misha Pichu.
Yeah, I'm allowed to match your Pichu.
I'm not right. It'd be a different measure.
There's no, I've, I've said this before, I think a standards, I
think you can have a is. This how you're trying to
justify having a small Willy that you live.
Yeah, but if I was to go below sea.
It'd be massive. I just mean.
If you went enough, somebody in down to the.
Tight I think at. Least that's what happened to
that. So all the Dicks got that big.
That's how I find it. But what I'm saying is I'll
minute. Some days I go, Oh no, oh, ruins
my day when I look, you know. And then some days where I go,
happy days. Happy.
Days I think it's fair, but maybe that's just me, but.
OK. No, I don't actually don't know.
That's interesting, right. I will, I will.
I will look into that. So, so so you.
You realise it was 6 inches? That was to answer your
question, But yeah, yeah, just it.
It allowed me to discover I had a bigger Dick than I've always
thought I had, which is a great day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, maybe it was just at sea
level and it was in a good mood, yes, but I don't think it wasn't
a good mood because I was about to get bombed by me misses so.
Probably trepidation and what do you?
What do you? What's the chat after that then?
Oh, there's no chat, right? There's no one wants to see the
carnage. There's a lot of poo.
A lot of poo. More poo than you've ever been
comfortable showing someone else.
If I like. I thought I was clean.
I really made an effort there. I got the showerhead and
sprayed, Don't we? Boom.
Right. OK.
Just take like. Yeah, yeah, you know what I
mean? Yeah, there's more poo than
Forth is going to be white sheets as well.
But too many, yeah. Anything coming up or any Thank
you. Thank you for sharing that with
me. Yeah, you made me comfortable
enough to. Share I genuinely thought you
want to say you made me calm and I was like, if I knew that and
then we had to keep doing the pot, I think so much made it be
weird. But if I knew you'd just come
and we were just talking face to face, I'd feel weird about it.
I'll be honest, I'd feel weird about it.
I don't know because it would be like.
You feel happy though. No, I'd be more happy than that.
But it wouldn't. That wouldn't I would then see
that as a gift that I had like when I make I want to ask you
about more about the the idea that you know, you're selling
that many tickets you're doing that big of a tour.
Do you think I look at someone like Jerry Cinnamon, right.
And I, I'm a huge fan of Jerry Cinnamon, not just his music,
but the way he is so independent.
And I see you as exactly the same.
And that you have, well, I thought you were totally
independent. Now I know that Paul and Ben,
they own 100% of it. You're the least independent.
Guy, just let me get a picture in front of it.
They will not poo. They came out, you know what I
mean? That's there.
But do you think that that people that helps people really
buy into you because they know that, look, this is a guy that
doesn't have these big broadcasters behind him?
Yeah, big. Agencies and that kind of thing.
The nicest that are people. I'm not sure how much people
realise that, to be honest. I think in the world now
evidence, evidence being consumed through social media.
So everyone seems kind of the same.
But I think the nice thing is about like comedians like it
kind of yeah, it's kind of a lot of comedians are really like,
nice about like how successful you are.
I mean, that's to your face. I don't have to be in a company.
And you were. But people seem genuinely happy
that, yeah, that I'm doing well. And they that's, that's, that's
a really nice, it's nice from comedians and people that you
work with and you feel like that.
Yeah, that's almost like, you know, you get a you get a stand
ovation with the audience, but and you'll be like, yeah, it's
good. And then you're made to was
watching show. Could be you had a really good
set tonight and that's like the thing you're like, especially if
it's a meet you can bank on giving you the real opinion.
Yeah, yeah. You know, like, I always
remember, like, as I was saying before when I did that bit and I
had Danny Mac laughing like scream and laughing backstage.
Yeah, he's a hard man to make laugh.
Yeah. So like.
Or comics, like being, being at the back of the room.
Yeah, I did Dublin Comedy Festival last year and Tommy
Tiernan was at the back of the room.
Now he's there for, but I think he's just walking through.
But he was there, you know what I mean?
He was laughing. I was like somebody heard I'd
say. And he walked in laughing.
And then he stopped laughing as he walked through and walked on.
But he was. Just coming, you know.
But he's a fan has them have you got like, say props from a
really well known comedian or committee and you're a massive
final that meant a lot to. And one an amazing moment was AI
got a random phone call and I was, I didn't know it was and
like I missed the call and I rang it back and he as I knew
immediately, as soon as the voice says it was John Bishop.
And I was like, I went hello, I meant hello.
And he answered that. I won't do an impression, but he
answered the phone. He went to stop Paul.
Yeah, he went to John Bishop. I went hello mate.
It OK like that. I was like events.
I'm not going to lie to you Paul, I'm having a shit.
I'll call you back in 5 minutes. Hello.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
John Bishop just called me while he was on the ship.
But yeah, he called and he spoke.
We spoke for those. There's only met him.
I've met him once before. I met him on the first gig I
ever did outside the bill. He didn't even remember it.
We end up chatting about it and I went on stage and I was a bit
nervous since I've left just outside Manchester and I went on
and a guy heckled me for being Scouse immediately and I kind of
didn't really deal with it and just did me certainly the right.
And then he went on at the end of 45, he was meant to be doing
like a little Edinburgh preview and he just went before the
stars. He picked on a Scouse lad and
just to annihilated this guy. And I remember thinking because
John Bishop in a room is fun, like phenomenal.
Yeah, an amazing MC sort of MCA few times he was so quick.
And I just remember watching it going, how is he doing this?
Like, how is he just making this up?
Yeah, on the spot. And it's just killing it.
So he's just, he just destroyed this guy.
And so he had he called me up and was just like, it wasn't
even like being like condescending.
He was just like asking me how I was and how I was dealing with
it all. And it was just such a nice
thing for someone to do. And he cheques in from time to
time. Yeah.
Same with Jason Manford as well. He's he's been dead.
Lovely. Yeah.
They're probably the mothers too.
Do you or let me ask you this, who has anyone like shared a
video or have you have you seen like an Instagram like from
someone that. Jeremy Piven followed me.
From Entourage. From Entourage, right, He don't
stand up me well and I was like, I fucking love Entourage me to
fuck some like fanboy and fuck. I was like Jeremy Pivens just
followed me. I was, I was like 10 minutes
before I was going to go on stage and I was like Jeremy
Pivens, follow me if you're. Going to tell me he he messed
you back. Said I'm having a shit on the
home. Wait.
It's but as a message them I was like may up.
Thank you so much for the fellow big 5 this big long message was
thinking I don't like that appreciate it so much scene and
I was like he's seen it never message you.
By message him right now, message him right now, please
message him right now and just say how are the gigs going last?
Just say hi. Are the gigs going?
Like mate, you know what, I'm half scared that he's unfollowed
me. I'm gone.
Oh my God. If he's unfollowed me, I'll be.
Devastated. No.
OK, don't. Just I'm going to look.
I'm going to. Look, I'm going to don't what
say you're OK, just say just say Jeremy comma.
Hope all's well a lot question mark.
I'm not here. Oh, but I'm not going to lie, my
man, I'm a I'm fumbling card. Yeah, thank you for the follow.
I'm a massive fan. Hands together, hands up, heart,
emotion. I think you came all way too
strong. And it's seen and then no
response. OK, don't reply.
Don't reply. Yeah, you still follow me
though. You follow each other on
Instagram. Hey, big boy.
Yeah, I'm doing tea with me. Just say hope the gigs are going
well. That question mark.
How are the gigs going? Hands together?
Muscle emoji. Muscle emoji.
If he replies, we're doing a video chat, we're doing a video
chat. I had.
I wish I could say I had something, someone of that
level, but I did a ABBCTV stand up thing during lockdown.
It was called stand up for live comedy on them.
It was on BBC Three and then it was showing like BBC Two like
11:00 on a Wednesday night. And I still kind of thought, you
know, this is going to be good. I had a good set out and I went
it's going to be good. It's going to open doors.
The one thing that came from it was I checked Twitter the next
morning and I had a tweet from a big name and Twitter verified
celebrity Nick Knowles. This guy, something like this
guy was great love to said. I hit him with a follow, waited
for the follow back. Send him a DM Nick.
Appreciate it mate. I'll be gigging in London soon
if you fancy it. He peven me, He peven me.
Heaven. Ah, he.
Peven me Imagine we get to somehow do a show in the future
and Peven and Knowles are front row.
Peven and Knowles, they were headed off massively I tell you,
I know this guy who was a producer on BBC and he vaguely
knew Nick Knowles. He'd worked on a show with him
because I, I mentioned this to this guy and he went I got Nick
Knowles story. He said I vaguely knew Nick
Knowles we're going to show together and on the last day
Nick Knowles was like, I had a bag of them he's like, I got
some new head shots done like professional portrait head shots
and the guy went on nice one Nick knows showed a moment what
do you think? And the guys like, yes, really
nice and Nick knows when you can keep up 1 and I wish.
That's what I want. Nick Knowles headshot.
You should do that. Do you do?
You like because I I've seen Jeremy pivot.
I haven't seen him do accept, but I've seen him when I've been
in the states, have seen him on the bill on like, you know, I.
Didn't know he did stand up and. Stand up.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's why.
Maybe that's why he followed. He drops in some clubs.
Have you gigged outside of you can?
Have you done Europe shows you've done with?
The try, I really tried to get a little European leg, so I said,
but it just didn't pan out time wise.
But we're going to put some European shows on like Northern
Europe into like Scandinavian into Germany.
I've gigged in Germany once, but it was on me, stagged there and
I was under instruction not to be funny at all.
On your stag on. Me fair stag do you?
In a comedy. Club in a comedy club.
And your mate said don't be. Funny.
The challenge was I had to not be funny at all.
I couldn't tell a joke or ask anyone what he did.
I had to literally be as boring as I possibly could be.
And I still did better than most of them.
And. Then Freddie Quinn went on.
It was like I'll jump on and then did his absolute gold right
after me, just the fucking right and start out like you fun
snake. But what about this The States?
Because you would have plenty of fans.
With them, yeah, I think we could do a little.
I really would love to go to Australia and Canada.
I think America's a tough one to do, a told him.
Because it's really hard to get work visas and stuff.
I think there's problems around that.
But yeah, it's just, it's time with me.
Yeah, with the kids. I have my kids after week and
then I, I was told Wednesday to Saturday.
So getting that there or taking that time out would be a bit of
a nightmare. And so Europe would be fine.
I really do want to. I want to gig in Europe just to
see how the cat. It's weird, like Southern
England really struggle with my accent, but like Ireland and
Northern Europe seem to be really tuned into it for some
reason. So people will understand you
more in Munich than London. Yeah, people understand
definitely Denmark people. People can understand Scouse in
Denmark so well. I don't know why.
Yeah, so I'm. Trying to take Dan Agger, maybe
that's why, you know, play for Liverpool.
He's. David, maybe.
And yeah, I'm all being so yeah, yeah, maybe.
Maybe there's something in? That, I think it's probably our
accent came a lot from their accent in there, yeah.
So it's probably something to do with that.
What are things that you what's like a project outside of stand
ups that you would love to do? Still may be related to comedy
but is there like a self funded series you'd love to do or?
I don't know, I'm ADHD pressure. I'm just like every so often I
go, I really want to write a film, right?
And I'll just buy a new laptop. I need the new laptop for that.
And now I need I need final fucking draft or whatever it's
called spendable 3 grand. Is it there?
Type for a minute and go, yeah, I'm bored.
Go back to stand up because the fucking, I know what I'm doing.
Yeah, I thought, yeah, I would love to.
I'd love to. I've done a little bit of acting
and I would like to act a bit more.
Yeah, I found, I found that quite interesting.
It was really jar on the face. You know when you're doing loads
it takes and you're like, I've just said that.
Because we stand up. Yeah, yeah.
Like you can't do that with stand up.
Yeah, it's done. You do it and it's done.
Do you like like you seem to me? I'm probably like you say it is
because you have so many clips that just keep coming out.
It looks like you're doing stand up 24/7.
Do you like taking time off and having?
No, I like the idea of taking time off.
Yeah, really like the idea of taking time off.
And then I'm off for three days and I annoy you from now because
I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah, because she'll just sit by
a pool. She'll just sit by a pool and be
dead happy. And I'm like, what Time's
dinner, right? It's 11:00 in the morning.
Paul, you like activities? You like activities?
I don't even like activities now.
I just, I like to, I don't know, I need to be gigging.
If people aren't looking at me, I'm not happy, right?
And it's I'm a surprise. Yeah, it does.
Me either. Do you?
I? I'll do.
If I'm in a hotel on a holiday, I'll do any, you know, when they
come around the reps, I'll do it.
Whatever it is, Kids club, kids club, any of it, I'll do it.
I love activities. I love getting out and doing an
activity. Measuring your Dick and
altitude, yeah. Yeah, I love people like we're
having a Dick measure thing. I'm like, well, we'll need to do
that every day of the holiday and take an.
Average because it's not I want to smash this kids because.
It's not. You haven't even got pubes.
That's. Why I'm banned from bottoms?
You've got a red coat. Is there?
Is there like a certain venue that you would love to play?
I'm really looking forward to this one tonight, to be honest.
SSE yeah, yeah, it's it's a weird one.
I did the M&S Bank Arena in Lipeel a couple of times that
the full sets up. It was like 9000 people and it
was an amazing experience for me.
But I feel like there's the point where it gets too big and
they're not getting the most out of it.
I think the the best venue. My favourite film that special
is the Olympia Theatre in Dublin.
I'm doing it for the first. Time is the best comedy venue
I've ever played. Ban on it holds the atmosphere
like nothing I've ever experienced.
Advise me on this, right? I do this thing where when I
want to record an RI kind of throw my eggs in the one basket,
but then I'm a little bit 80 HD two where I change my mind on
things a lot and that sort of thing.
Like I did around the operation last year in Belfast, recorded
them all and then ended up going to America a few months after
that. And just at the time when I just
want to film the America shows. So that's going to be my special
is the different America shows. But I'd love to this year just
pick. It's hard because you do like a
load of shoes on the tour. You pick one for the special and
then the next thing you do a different venue.
You should have done that one. But if you're telling me the
Olympia. Is incredible.
Is that where I should? I mean the next door.
You are right. I mean it.
Everywhere is different on a different night.
But I don't think there's a better room for comedy.
Yeah, that I've ever played. Because it's it's like old in
the best. Ways old a whole.
It's the, it's the, it's the laugh you get from them.
It's a wall of people. Yeah, it's, and everyone's just
so afford it because it's Dublin and the gate and it's just even
down to the fact that everyone who works there loves the place
and the whole place is just run so beautifully.
Yeah. And you feel great as you get in
there. And if like like I got in there,
they had a bottle of whiskey made with me name on and stuff
like that from Jameson. And then they've got all fruit
and bloody like just it's stuff every.
The green room's incredible. Yeah.
And it's all like set up like Spinal Tap.
So they got like the fridges are like Marshall lamps that go to
11, right? And stuff like that.
It's just everyone there loves it and it's just, it's just the
most incredible place. Just got the best atmosphere
about it. Class.
Really excited for that, man. It's the honestly, I did it.
I'm doing it again in November because we ended up having to
put double shows in there because we were going to look at
doing the Three Arena in Dublin. But I would say I just can't not
go there. Yeah.
And so that's what I'd rather do.
Like we did the half Senate night show and I swear I was
like, I might have pushed this a bit far, but it was great.
And I had them John Kavanagh come down, you know, kind of a
coach. So, you know, when you invite
someone down, you're like, this is the one where they're all
going to be fucking cunts with the event.
They were lovely, right? Absolutely lovely.
The Yeah, it was it was probably the IT was better than the early
show, if anything. Have you almost run out of in
Liverpool or you can't? You've done all the venues,
you've done the you've done. No, I've actually never played
the Empire Theatre, which is the biggest theatre.
We jump straight from the club to the arena in a weird way,
right? Yeah, and the bypassed all the
theatres. Because I was going to say like,
because Belfast, you sort of, I love doing something new.
I like doing some more different and switching it up and because
you've given the audience a different experience then as
well. But we obviously, you know, it's
a small city. So that's interesting that
Liverpool would play, shop and play.
Yeah, so because this year we spoke, I wasn't even going to do
with doing the arena now, but we because we're the building a new
club. Yeah, yeah.
It's gonna be like a 600 seater. Yeah.
So yeah, yeah. So I was just I just put shows
in there. So we put like 2025 shows in
there class and but then the club's not finished so you've
had to move all the shows to the arena.
Will it be finished by Say for Talk Sake November?
I if it's not then wouldn't wouldn't bother, right?
So me and you might need to put the hard hats.
On so I've got, I've got a lot of shows in November there,
right? OK, shit, I think.
It should be done by August, but I I chose that this month like I
suppose to have shows this week. So the last two nights I should
have been in the field for the first two shows, but it didn't.
Happen. I've told this on a pod before,
but when I did hot water a couple years ago there was a
everyone was in and seated. The fires, the fire left fire.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and it was vaping.
It went from no, no, a full fire.
That was a fire. A genuine real life fire.
The fire alarm went off and every you know, you do that kind
of like you're rolling your eyes at people.
And then a manager craned her head into the room and very
calmly went, There's a fire and. Everyone was like.
I like. You.
There's no like guys form an orderly queue.
It's she was like fucking run. And everyone's like, I had just,
I went to Liverpool 1 and I, it was winter, it was November and
I wanted like a big coat. I got this really nice quote
from Zara to me. I know you got a McLaren F1.
I mean, they're like, this was £110, right?
You can save 110 and I pay cash, right.
So I got this 110 points arrow coat in the green room.
I'm about to introduce Futorio to open for me fire.
Everyone leaves. I look at him like mate, do the
right thing, but he saves himself.
I want you know, I'm expecting him to lay his life down for me
and run in and get the coat. But he does because there's like
you can see, like someone's like I see smoking on.
So I run back in like I don't run out straight away.
I go get the coat, get my rucksack, run up.
We're all on street level. Everyone who was at the gig, the
fire engines are coming. They establish there's a fire in
the kitchen in hot water and I'm like, well, the show's obviously
cancelled and like an hour's gone by and Adam Rowe had done
the show before. He takes me across the road to a
different bar with like a courtyard in it.
And he goes, he goes, let's just say to the bar man, can you do
the show here? Because the whole audience are
there already, but they've started getting carry outs at
the shop. They're boozing away.
I'm standing there, people are singing, I'm chatting to people.
And I'm it was a Late Show anyway.
So I'm like the show's not going to happen.
Then the manager was like well this is this happened, This is
happened loads of times and I was like, that doesn't make me
want to do this. She's like, we've had loads of
fires in the basement. And by the way also there was
like 4 guys you like they? Haven't had loads of fires by
the. Way the fire, one of the firemen
was like oh there's four guys still painting down there.
It's like 4 guys like the found in the Titanic.
Like forget local guys from home in Liverpool still finishing
those things and eventually we did the show and I think only in
Liverpool would it have worked because it was like 2 hours
after the show was supposed to be on and it was one of the best
shows in my life. Yeah, it was brilliant at that.
Like Spirit of the Blitz kind of.
Yeah. Yeah, it's happened.
It happened. It's happened twice to me this
year on tour. The fire alarms gone off, right.
And it's both sides. It's been someone who has got
kicked out, who smashed the thing.
Oh, really? I'm I shouldn't say that because
now everyone gets kicked out. It's going to do the same thing.
Yeah. But we've had to then go outside
and get everyone back in and I thought the same thing, like
this is going to be fucked now. Because you're like, that's all
they'll want to hear me talk about.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the mad thing is it's like
it because it happened in the Kings Theatre in Glasgow.
So you've got like 1300 people there and you same as you, like
the fire alarm goes off and I'm like, that's a fire alarm.
And then I'm like, yeah, like use a mad because you would
literally stand there. You would sit there and ban
until I tell you that this is. Real.
It's part of it, this. Part of.
It so realistic. Choking the fucking crazy.
So I've I've seen your cars gradually, you know, improve
gradually go up the levels to the point where at them, and I'm
not a car guy, but we're at the McLaren F1.
What's a purchase you would love to make that's still like in the
distance where you go? I want that like, do you want
like a helicopter or something? I.
Was actually looking at a plane the other day.
Be serious for you. They're not that much, not yet.
Like a little plane. Oh no, you don't want to get
one. And you fly it yourself only
because you come into the airport to 6 LB a night to keep
your plane at the airport. No, and then you don't have to
go through customs. You go for your own little
customs. There's one fella, put your back
through and walk out the airport.
They need to increase that because like even if they made
that a Tanner you wouldn't buy my.
Little but even that hold on and then you don't have to pay the
fucking. You would consider it's
possible. Yeah, in the future, four seats
a plane. I might be in a plane,
commercial flight, yeah, flight pasture.
And I might look out the window. Look.
How Look how big it is. See Paul Smith on his way to do
the SSE in a plane. But you can.
You would not just get a plane, you would learn how to fly it.
Yeah, and then you would just go to go round gigs in your plane.
Yeah, but why not? How much would a call like it's
a? 150 grammes per plane.
She was in the car. No, the cars you like.
Would you? Would you genuinely consider
that? Yeah, because I know a guy.
Oh, no, That's why you shouldn't get.
No, you know a guy, a guy who can get.
A guy. A Slovakian guy.
Really. He's like Paul.
He's got. 1 He flew to Dublin and we're back there and he's
like, I flew a milk. No, no, he was trying to get one
of these. Hi, out of 1010 being like I'm
definitely getting it. What?
Where would you be? Well, we misses and I'm not
allowed. I mean, that's.
Not I wasn't allowed to buy a car.
Might you be in 1/2 billet? What's wrong with you?
Some fucking wife? What you want to let you out
this weekend? Now she won't let me buy myself
around. Well, I like that I wasn't
supposed to buy that car. Right.
I had no intention of buying. I'm saying technically I'm going
to tell this story. I mean, this is I'm already
working on this story for my next tour show.
This is probably going to be the start of it.
So it could be a little exclusive.
So you sort of bought the Lamborghini.
Didn't. Yeah.
So that was a mistake as well
because I'm just an idiot. So what What?
I love cars, right? And like.
I would fucking hope so, I love them.
And I always like, even like back in the day, I used to go
around and look at cars in showrooms and stuff.
So like, and I'd just be a little like day out for me, like
going looking like sitting in them and stuff like that.
And and then I went and got because at the start of not the
last year with the show before I told the story about buying an
American S class, which it wasn't really, it was AGC 63 S,
but like people didn't understand what it was.
So we changed into an S class and I bought it because I went
into the showroom and some rich fellow was there and he, I
wanted an E Class. But when I said that he went and
I thought, you cheeky bastard, you don't think I can afford
this and he was looking at this car so I bought it before him.
Oh, I thought you meant to do. Was that right?
OK, so he's just another. Thing I was stupid because I
couldn't afford it so so and I have to sell like a.
Betty, he hasn't. He's the salesman's mate.
He's there every week. If he is, it was a good mate.
He's just about to buy this fucking.
Fatty bastard so yeah, so. Who's David Cameron?
No, what if, but so I I end up I had I end up with me with me ask
last me. So I was talking in for service
one day and we're by me make and now they're all like next to
each other and Cheshire right. So I thought it was in getting
something locked up. So first I just won't wander
over to Porsche to have a little look.
And so I walked in. I'm looking around the 9 elevens
loved them and beautiful. So looking around and a guy went
no way. So I was like hello mate, I
watch your stuff all the time thinking amazing.
I was like thank you so much. What were you looking at?
So I'm just looking at the 9 elevens just like beautiful
cars. I'm aunty.
I was like yeah, yeah. Even if you ever driven one, I
was like no no, no. He went talk, give me a minute.
He fucks off, comes back with the key to a 9/11 and goes I'll
put you on that for an hour and a half go and have some fun.
And I was like 4th. He's winding me up.
So I'm trying to be cool like this shit happens to me all the
time. So I'm like, so I got out, I'm
driving and out of the showroom that's slowly waving.
There's a little motorway got into the M53 and I just went
fuck off 1 face. I'm in a Porsche and she's going
what? I just give me a Porsche for an
hour and a half And she was like, why?
I would say don't know. So I'm just fucking I just threw
this car out everywhere. It's great they took it back and
he's like, what do you think? I was like, yeah, yeah, because
I couldn't afford the push, right?
So I'm like. He just assumed I could afford
the push as he thought I was fucking famous to me.
So I'm like yeah, yeah it's lovely that but he still have to
never think about it and just never went back.
So it just progressively thought like, so I'm going around the
all poor showrooms now just trying to get test drives.
A Porsche did that for a bit and then of course, how cheeky can
it be? So I was just going out loud and
stuff with that for that everywhere just down showrooms.
Used to take that meal a lad when he was off school on a
little day out, just go and test our cars.
And then I thought I try Lamborghini, right?
So it goes in and the guy shake the way he's like, he recognised
me so far. I'm flying here, I'm flying
here. Beautiful hurricane in the air
shoulder with the just gets in and on for me.
Let's be Revit because I'm not a.
Car. Get Huracan.
That Huracan was 190,000. That is the beautiful right?
Five, yeah, 5 litre V10, amazing car.
So I said, can I have a test drive?
No. And I was like, what?
Yeah, no, you can't test drive this unless you put a deposit
down. And I was like, how much is the
deposit? He was like, what's 10%?
And I was like I said, what if I don't like to gather and we just
got to deposit bar and I was like, go on then.
So give it 20 grand test size this car and I'm thinking I'll
just get the 20 grand bar right about that.
Yeah, yeah, be sat at me account for an hour and then be back at
me accounts. So I was like test over it comes
back amazing. It was amazing in it.
Yeah. But normally that would be my
point to leave the showroom and go because and walk away and be
sensible. But he's gone.
What you think I went to incredible event, incredible
Auntie. He says you're going to take it
and it's. I said I'll be honest with you.
Like because I always have to come up with an excuse.
So. So I'll be honest with you.
I love it, but I don't like the colour.
He went well, I said it because I honestly genuinely used to
have one on GTA right orange one on GTA right and I put a picture
of it when I got it. So I went used to have an orange
one. If you had the orange one be the
one went. You're not going to believe
this. This is just come in.
It comes down there in the fucking workshop orange or the
can just sat there when it's not even for sale yet, but I'll do
it for you. Remember the good price on it as
well. It's you've already put the
deposit down. You could have it by Friday.
Yeah, £50. I'm like fuck it, do it and me
beans gone. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
So I'm like, so I just bought it.
I bought it. When I picked it up to Friday, I
was like missus, like, what have you done?
I was like, I don't know, but I fucking love this car.
I'm diving around then fucking the tax man.
Come after me going. You owed us off for that money,
you know? And I was like, oh shit, yeah.
So I have to sell the car because I thought I didn't
realise you have to pay tax the year after.
Yeah, so I'm a fucking idiot. So I was laughing at me.
So I understand. Tell that joke on stage when I
can't. I couldn't afford that car.
So I mean, missus like don't do that again.
So I'm like, but I carried on my little hobby of just driving
around, going around think. And now because they've seen how
the Lamborghini they were a bit more open to give me because
then they really fought over the phone.
So like Ferrari gave me a brand new 296 GTB for the day.
It's like a 350 gun car. How long?
The whole day. I had the Lamborghini for six
months, right. And then I had the Bentley.
Same idea. Stupid.
I got the boat, the Bentley, because I couldn't get the kids
in the Lamborghini. Most people might have got like
Chrysler Voyagers for the. Stupid.
So I have to sell both of them. So yeah.
So I'm going out, glad to give me a car and cause for that
Ferrari and McLaren are next to each other.
So I'm just playing these off against each other for a little
bit, see what I can get. So about two months ago I had to
pick my missus off from the airport and McLaren's like 9
minutes away from Manchester Airport.
So I'll go down a bit early and see what they've got in.
Have a little mess now. So it goes in the guy straight
up fucking game on, let's have it.
He said what are you looking at? I said that's so much, I'm
thinking about something convertible and he's like you're
not going to believe this perfect car for you.
She's got a brand new 720 S by the lovely X demo, 160 miles an
hour because that is new. We got a dead good place on it.
I was like let me have a look. So as a look amazing, right.
It's great though. I'll actually love the colour of
a number of guys. Like not many.
It's a great cave when you can get it wrapped.
Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, that orange callipers and
stuff on it, orange like stitching and stuff like that
look nice. So he was like can I say, can I
have a test drive? He was like, we don't really do
with those are the posi. I'm like, I'm a fucking do that
again. Yeah, not doing that again.
I'm not a dickhead. So like so I said I don't really
want to put a deposit down and I tie that money up for a couple
of weeks and then I don't like the car.
He's like, so he goes off and talks.
He's obviously gone and we know who he is.
He's not taking the piss. Yeah.
So he'd come back and gone all right, but he come with me.
So like. On the test, it's not as fun.
That's like, you know, going on a date with a girl back in the.
Day. Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, yeah, it's only so it's over half a bit.
I was like, yeah, that's fine. Got out.
I said I've got to go and pick me myself from the airport.
Left out of that, but he's messaging me.
Then I have a couple of days like if you thought about the
car, if you thought about the car.
And I was like, yeah, I'm still thinking about it because I'm
still going to talk to wife. Not sure how I feel about it and
stuff like that. So then I got up, I had the day
to myself and I was like, wonder how she can be.
So I messaged them in the morning saying I want to be.
I know I know you're not supposed to do this but like I
really want to see how. Like I bought too many cars now
and haven't got on with them. I said I'd really want to see if
I would get on with the car. Like I want to test the sat NAV
and stuff in it. Not almost.
It's Lamborghini spin. So I'm like, what the art of
prick because you can't fucking park them anywhere and people
fucking sit on them all the time.
So I was like I said, I really want to see how I would get on
with the car. I need to test the sat Navina
because no one hasn't got car play and stuff.
See what the stereo was like and he's like, I can't do that means
I'm a fan if I understand, but like I'm not just not
comfortable buying a car that I haven't had a few hours in at
least. So we went.
So I left it at that half an hour later phones me up and goes
I'll put it on a four hours come and get it.
So I was like get in. So dove down when I got it got
there both to spin and I'll put the roof down.
As soon as put the roof down starts raining.
I was like bastard right? Backup driving now fucking
gusted feeling in this car because it's real wheel driving
$700.00 probably you cannot drive it in the rain.
It's terrifying. It will kill you it I tried to
put me for a dance place and just went fuck off and I was
like no, I'm not doing that. So dove around for four hours
took it back and he was like, what do you think?
I said I'm good. It was raining events.
I know to pick the bad day for it.
So then Oh yeah, but he said we'll have a think about it.
So goes off I'll leave it at that.
Next day he gets up son is cracking the flags.
So I'm like I wonder how she here can be here.
So I messaged him back on mate love the car but I've spoke to
me insurance guy right and he said you need to see if it fits
in your garage. Did you make this up?
Yeah, I said. Because I wouldn't, I've got a
new build, it wouldn't fit in my garage anyway.
So I was like, so I sent him a picture going, I don't think
it'll fit in here. And if it doesn't fit, I don't
like I won't know. So he's like I said, kind of
come on, get the card again. And now it's cheeky kind of get
the card again and just drive it to mine and see if it fits in my
garage and then I'll bring it straight back.
And he's, I can't really. Give me a minute, folks.
Off comes back and goes all right to put it on again from
the photos. Come and get it.
Do you think he was going to speak to someone or do you
think? No, I think he was as I met the
boss. He was speaking after I'll tell
you that. So so I wasn't get it comes out
of the didn't even go near me house.
It's a roof down. Fucking Mace driving around
Manchester laughing me. I don't think they're having the
best. It's such a good car.
So I'm driving, what is this car retail for?
It was 270,000, the other one for some flying round.
But he's going to throw in Matt. Oh yeah, for the back, like he's
going to wash it for a minute and Rudy, it's all manager.
He rings me up about something from where?
And he's like, where the fuck are you?
It's just windy and stuff because I'm fucking flying
around 100 miles an hour in a fucking convertible.
He's like, where are you? I mean, it's a minute McLaren.
He went fuck off. How the fuck have you got that
again? I went and I'm a cheeky bastard.
So he went come and pick me up. I went, Oh yeah, you're in
Manchester. I went.
All right, give me a SEC. So span round to his, get some
comes in his diary. Come on.
He's like mate, that's incredible.
I went to now it's bossing it. He went, I went, he went.
I wonder if the camera bag of fits in there because we have a
big camera bag. I mean, so pops the front.
I was like, it fits perfect. Isn't it like that?
He's like, yeah, see, I went, you want to go for a spinning
event? Yeah, go on.
So he jumps in like that. So like sweet it turns reversed
into a Nissan Qashqai fucking full on.
Like because the reversing camera is behind the steering
wheel so if you turn it to full lock you can't see it.
Right, right, right. So I've just full on and I
swear, right, I've never seen a, he's a grown man.
And he went so like, oh fucking hell, if I just crashed this car
and he's like, yeah, I think you've crashed the car, you
know, and I say so even pull it forward.
So pull the forward a little bit.
And I had the crunch and I was like, shit, someone comes
running out of a house, you've crashed into my car.
It's a fucking 2012 Nissan cash guy, right?
So I know, I'm so sorry I said that because it didn't hit it.
Odd, right? So I'm, I looked at their car
1st and I was like, I don't think there's any damage because
it's a low car. So just hit the licence plate on
the car, right? So I'm like, there's no damage,
No damage. I don't think so.
She's like, oh, I'm gonna have to have a proper look because
it's not my car. And I was like, this is not my
car. And as I said that it's in the
fucking ass is hanging off this car because it's all carbon
fibre. It's designed to just crumble
yours. Yeah, the ass is hanging off
this car. So I'm like, what the fuck am I
going to do here? This is terrible.
This is. Can I can I ask when you take
it, you have to give your. Is your sign you sign this thing
like an insurance thing? It's just standard.
So like fucking up. So I'm like, I'm going to take
this back and tell them now. So a driver back, the guy comes
out like, come on, give me the good news.
They fit in your garage, didn't they?
I'm like, before we get to that, I've crashed your car and he's
like comedian like something like I know, I wish I was
joking. He went to don't if you want.
I'm really not. I'm so sorry.
I have crashed your car and he's like fuck off.
She comes out and looks and he's like, Oh my God.
And I was like, I'm so sorry. Well, don't apologise to me.
It's your car, isn't it? Like, well, because I obviously
have to make out like, I'm really, I'm buying this car.
So I'm like, yeah, so I said there's a joke.
Well, I don't really want it now because it's broke.
And he's like, not amused at all.
So I'm like, I'm like, what am I?
As I said, what happens here? So it's insured that he went?
Yeah, but the excess is 20 grand.
Oh no. And I was like fuck off even.
Did you not read the form? I was like, no, he reads a form
when someone comes out of the key to McLaren and he goes going
to drive that. You go for hours.
You go, I'm just going to spend an hour reading the terms and
conditions of this form. So I was like, fuck sake, what?
I'm going to do it. He went, obviously because
you're buying the car. We'll try and look after.
Yeah, I'll see what we can do. So I said, how much is that
going to cost you up on the bumper loans, 8 grand and then
you go to the census and that's if there's no damage behind it.
I said someone, I'm like 10 grand easy, went easy.
And I was like, Oh my God. So I'm like, oh, what I'm going
to do? Yeah.
So he says, yeah. So he goes away.
He messaged me the next one and go, we've had the such a look.
The guy in The Body Shop has got a spare bumper there.
He said they'll let you have, you'll do all the way.
No, because you're buying a car and you're in a value customer
we won't look after. Yeah.
He said we can do all the work and that's £1700 plus VAT.
So he said. And he said, wow, well Alex
getting that done and we've got all the finance in place so you
can pick it up as quick as possible.
So I'm thinking fucking I want to do, yeah.
So you at this point still have. No, you don't really.
I don't want this car, but I don't want to spend 10 ground
fixing this car either. So I'm like what he said.
So yeah, if you send the deposit over then we'll get all the
finest document to play something and what the fuck?
So then in my, I thought, I'll send the deposit over and then
I'll just let them fix the car and then I'll say I can't get
insured then because it won't fit on my garage.
Then they can't unfix the car. They can't just go and smash the
back of the car again. And then I'll just get my
deposit back. I'll pay £1700.
So I was like, all right, So he sent a deposit over.
It goes away, fixes the car. The, the, the, the more.
I'm going to pick it up and bring them on me.
You're not going to believe this.
I just went to get the insurance that you won't insure the car.
What you mean I said you won't insure the car, But I'd like to
get a provisional quote off my insurance guy.
So when I'd rang them up, I said he laughed at me going, you
can't get insured on my car. Yeah.
Roughly what? What would that have been?
Do you do you remember? The insurance was £15,800 on
this car, so I was like fuck, he went that's the best course I
had got Yeah. I mean he said he said me mate
would be doing that as a favour. He said I'm in the meeting.
We're both laughing at Yeah and I was like oh fucking hell.
So that's the ring of what I'm going.
I said if these call you today, I know you said that like
ridiculous code said, but just say you couldn't.
He was like OK, because it wouldn't go me garage user for
all right. So I rang rang the the salesman
McLaren went you're not going to believe he said he said because
I'm a comedian. Yeah, people won't ensure you
because they're a comedian. People think that's a joke.
Now I've either and won't ensure a comedian.
So it's like they found us as comedian because like I said,
that was a master of ceremonies, which I used to do.
He's like they can't ensure it. He's like fuck off.
I don't go to the can't believe it me dream car.
So the match you devastate. He went.
I can't believe something I want to know.
I mean, I'm absolutely devastated.
I want to know. It's obviously because you're a
value customer. We want to sell you the car in
the future. I will try my best to get your
deposit back. And I was like, what you mean he
went, it's a non refundable deposit.
And I was like, what? Yeah, we always as a standard,
we do a non refundable deposit because when people spec a car
and don't take it, we have to sell it as used.
So like we lose money on the car.
I was like, he went, did you not read the form again?
And I was like, fucking no, fucking start reading forms.
Well, so I'm like, well, what what do I do?
Then he went, I don't mean I said that obviously I'm going to
try my best, but I don't know whether I'll be able to.
It's just like company policy. It's in the contract that you
signed. And I was like I said, but
you've got like loads of money. And he was like, yeah, I don't
know. Yeah, I was like, well, I'll
just take the car. Then he was like, well, what are
you going to do with it? You can't get insured.
I'll just fucking look at it. I'll just look at it.
And he'd say, well, we can't release the car unless you have
an insurance certificate. And I was like, fuck, give me a
minute, right. But like when I told him about
this he felt so bad. He gonna want to try and help
you out. Sweet.
I'd like loads of insurance companies ringing me up so I had
to make myself look as bad as possible to these insurance
companies. So they don't, so they.
Don't take care, right? And we got all through them,
like 10 different ones. So I've rang my insurance guy,
but hang on mate, you're not going to fucking believe this.
It's that quote that you said, that ridiculous quote you said
still there. And he was like, yeah, why I
went non refundable deposit. He starts pissing himself down
the. Phone I was.
Like I know I said I need that now because he won't release the
car and you've got all my money and I can't now leave it with
them. And he's like fuck sake.
So I can't see why not leave it with me.
It goes away, phones back 10 minutes.
They make this an absolute shambles.
He says, you know my mate's insurance company who's doing me
a favour, his insurance company has rang you yesterday not
knowing it was you. You've made yourself look as bad
as possible to them. So now they won't insure you on
this car. So I'm like, what the fuck am I
going to do? He's like, I don't know.
I'm like, well, I need to get insured on this car.
You know we can't. I've said, well, I have to
because they've got loads of money.
I can't leave it with them. She went off, she goes away,
begs them for an hour, they come behind.
The only way they insure. Yeah, original quotes, but
you've got you got 30 days to get in your garage, but it
doesn't fit in me garage. So I have to then pay someone to
extend the garage by a metre into the garden so I can fit
this garden that I couldn't afford in the fucking first,
please. Absolutely fucking stupid.
So now I've had to write a joke about it just so I can close
some of that fucking money back. Reversion into a Nissan cash guy
has cost you if you clear about. Bully and about Apple to half a
million Good fucking 2012 Nissan cash guy and I'm going to end up
in a 2012 Nissan cash guy because of that.
I mean as while I wonder, could you have just like opened it as
an attraction in Liverpool, come and sit in this McLaren and
Paul's driveway. Yeah.
You know, sit in for an hour to Tanner.
I'm gonna have to do something like that.
Let's start letting it out or something.
This is the most expensive mistake I've ever heard.
Yeah, you'd be. You'd be cheaper buying Pavel's
plane. No, that's why I was thinking
about it. Seller McCloud got a paint, got
a plane in it. Read the fucking contract and
Pavel don't. What the bad thing is, I know at
some point in the future, the next time someone shows me same
conditions, I'm just going to side and I'm not going to read
it because I'm a fucking idiot. Where are you going to park this
plane? To build a hangar on the back of
yours. No wonder you're considering a
plane. Paul, I massively appreciate you
coming in. I'm a big fan.
You're an extremely inspirational stand up and I
think you have a great one. I know Belfast Love Jank, you
have a great one at all the SSE shows.
I'm going to come to the next one because tonight I've got to
go to a comedian's wedding. Johnny, Johnny Bo.
He's a guy I fought in the comedian's box.
How is he? Did you win?
Yeah. She's going to tail him.
Swagger in the front of his new wife.
Alpha male in it. First down, step in between.
I'll take this one. I'm just going to walk in, scoop
up all the gifts, take a big wedge cake and just.
Wait, your boxing glove on? Just punch the cake.
Paul, thanks very much for that was me.
Appreciate it. It's been a pleasure.
Thank you so much.