1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:03,640 Welcome to he cast, the official podcast of he changed it. 2 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:06,120 As always, I am Mike Chisholm as always, I'm excited to have 3 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:10,200 conversations around the world of men's mental Wellness and all 4 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,800 of the things that encompass every guy's got a story and 5 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:17,640 those stories, they leave clues and and and and sometimes 6 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:20,680 they're hard clues, but clues nonetheless. 7 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:23,800 And that's why he cast exists. That's why he changed it exists. 8 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:28,160 Today's guest is a guy by the name of Mark Steven Poro. 9 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:32,960 Now Mark is he was an actor and he still, I mean, he he still is 10 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,240 an actor. He's just not a practicing 11 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,640 actor. Been in Holly was in Hollywood 12 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:40,400 for a long time, writer, screenwriter as well. 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,400 And he went through you know, it's, it's cool. 14 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,400 We we did talk a little bit about the fact that he got to go 15 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:47,680 chase his dreams and things like that. 16 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,840 That was great. But there was a, there was a, an 17 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:54,960 epic event that happened in his life where he had to go and, and 18 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,000 become a caregiver for his mother for the last few years of 19 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,880 her life. And his life became a full stop 20 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:05,680 from what he was doing and moving into a new phase and a 21 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:10,000 beautiful phase. And, and not only did he do that 22 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,760 for his mom, and I think a lot of us know people who end up 23 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,560 becoming caregivers. It could be for kids, it could 24 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,560 be for spouses, it could be for parents, as it was in this case 25 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,760 here. He also wrote a book about it. 26 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,520 And, and I'm just so grateful that this book is out in the 27 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:25,240 world. It's called A Cup of Tea on the 28 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:28,200 Commode. And it's the story of when he 29 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:32,240 became a caregiver for his mom and helping usher her into that 30 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:37,720 final phase of, of life. And boy, is it nice to hear him 31 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,720 talk about this and, and, and the benefits that came from it. 32 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:44,880 And, and you know, we all have a gear inside of us that we don't 33 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:47,600 necessarily know that we have. But for the guys that are out 34 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:51,200 there that are listening to this or watching this right now and, 35 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,480 and, and you might have a caregiver role that's being 36 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,400 thrust upon you at some point or, or you have been. 37 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:02,560 This is a really cool episode. Mark is, is, is so articulate 38 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,320 and the way that he's able to talk about not just, you know, 39 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,800 the book itself, but this story, what he went through, it's very 40 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,080 inspiring. I just appreciate him so much. 41 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,320 I hope you enjoy my conversation with Mark Steven Poro. 42 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:33,440 OK, Mark, before we get into anything here, I want to ask the 43 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:37,720 question, you know, on all of your, your, for lack of a better 44 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,240 term, branding, the way that you get your name out there, it's 45 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,400 Mark Steven Poro. Is that because of like a, a, a 46 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,560 a writers Guild or a, or an Actors Guild kind of thing? 47 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,640 Is that why you have the three names, or is it something that 48 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:51,920 you've just kind of always done? Well, when I was in Hollywood, I 49 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,960 it was Mark S Poro. I thought that had a nice ring 50 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:59,120 to it until I met until I met a potential manager said get rid 51 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,400 of the S mark Poro. It's strong. 52 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:07,600 And we we we had a big battle over this S Anyway, when when 53 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,360 when I was decided to write the book, I I thought it just 54 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,560 sounded. More literary oh, I got you OK 55 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,120 yeah. And it does it it does it has a 56 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,880 great ring to it and I, I just thought OK, that's that's it's 57 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,560 cool to do that and I, I appreciate that I appreciate a 58 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:27,320 little bit of it's not even theatric it's just care of how 59 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,840 things sound and whatnot and I just I had it does have a really 60 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,680 nice ring to it and I was wondering about that if you did 61 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,040 use that back in the day. We're going to get to your your 62 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:38,600 career in entertainment and all the the the the adventures that 63 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,720 you've had. But really, at the end of the 64 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:45,760 day, I cannot tell you how touched I was by your story. 65 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,200 And, and, and there's a lot of guys out there who, who, who 66 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,680 listen to this or people who know people who have become 67 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,360 caregivers. It could be to a child, it could 68 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,640 be to a spouse. And of course, as Gen. 69 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:01,200 X rises up in the age, you know, I'm a, I'm a, I'm one of the 70 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:05,200 younger Gen. Xers and, and, and I'm 50. 71 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:09,560 So as we raise up those baby boomer parents of ours, you 72 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,000 know, we become caregivers to our parents as well. 73 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:16,880 And and not only did you do that because a lot of people do that 74 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:22,840 and they do it silently, but these things leave clues and the 75 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:25,200 clues that you were able to pick up along the way you were. 76 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:29,080 They ain't able to take that, that, that that beautiful 77 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:33,520 alchemy of gifts that you have being, you know, an entertainer, 78 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,920 an actor, a writer, humorist, all of these things. 79 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,040 And you were able to look at some of these, put them together 80 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:46,720 and come up with a book that specifically every caregiver out 81 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,160 there should read. I, I, I don't like to shit on 82 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,800 anybody, but boy, oh boy, did you ever create a textbook and a 83 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:57,800 manual for people who became caregiver, who, who unwittingly 84 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:01,360 sometimes become caregivers? What a thing you've left in the 85 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,280 world. We're about a year after. 86 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,200 It's been really how? How Long's the book been out 87 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,040 now? Actually, we're approaching 3 88 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,640 years. It was 03 years. 89 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,120 I'm sorry. It was released on Mother's Day 90 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:16,040 2023, so OK. So we've got some reflection 91 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,680 yesterday. Well, ABS, I was gonna ask 92 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,440 because now we've got some distance between I thought it 93 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:21,920 was just over a year. It's it's three years. 94 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:26,160 OK, Now that we've got some distance between the release of 95 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:30,360 the book and where we are now, I'm curious, how has your 96 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,320 perspective changed? We're going to get into the book 97 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:33,880 and what it's all about and everything, but I'm super 98 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:36,480 curious on this end of it. How has your perspective changed 99 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:37,680 since the book has been released? 100 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:41,760 Well, what I'll, I'll give you one of the the first I, I, I 101 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,640 think revelations that I came up with. 102 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:48,440 So when the book came out, I couldn't do the audio book. 103 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,360 I wanted to record the audio book here. 104 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,840 I live in the South of France now, but I wanted to record the 105 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,400 audio book. But anything to do with my 106 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:59,480 family, I get really emotional. I'm really, I guess a crybaby. 107 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:04,000 I have no problem with that. And so I needed some not only, I 108 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,760 guess physical distance, but I needed some emotional distance 109 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:12,120 from it because even when I tried to read non emotional 110 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:15,560 chapters, I would just wait, this is about baseball. 111 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:19,360 Why am I crying? So I, I, I said, I, Oh my, you 112 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:23,040 know, my 28 years of studying, acting have to kick in here. 113 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:28,520 And so, but during that time, so it was about 6 months before I 114 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,640 recorded the audio book and I had time to look at the book it 115 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:35,680 with fresh eyes and it, it was interesting. 116 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:40,320 So the story sounds like, and it's kind of true that I went 117 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:45,280 back to rescue my mother and, and that's how I think most 118 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,400 people will look at it. And then a part of reflection. 119 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:55,200 I, I think that my mother actually rescued me and that 120 00:06:55,200 --> 00:07:00,360 that popped in because again, she's still, I think even with 121 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:03,360 all the years that now she's been gone, she's still mom and 122 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,120 still teaching. And I think through my story, 123 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,960 I'm, I'm hoping that her teaching keeps expanding, which 124 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,520 it has. And so we were brought up in a 125 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:17,560 really nurturing home. Both of my parents were very 126 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:22,480 funny people, but they taught us how to care for others and care 127 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,360 for certainly the family members and stuff too. 128 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,520 So for me, this is not a big deal. 129 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,840 It seemed like the right thing to do. 130 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,680 My mom deserved better at this time, but we'll get into how 131 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,880 that all began. And so I felt that I was the one 132 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:40,840 who could give those make her life better and, and give her 133 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:44,720 last year's some happiness and some joy and stuff that was 134 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,960 missing a little bit before. And, and luckily I was smart 135 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,120 enough when this opportunity came. 136 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,200 And I think again, it was my mom's teaching. 137 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,040 I was smart enough to take it on. 138 00:07:55,400 --> 00:08:00,120 And it made me certainly a better man and it made me more 139 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:03,640 empathetic for, you know, it's not, and not not just older 140 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,560 people, but people in general, but also animals. 141 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:10,720 My mother was a big animal person, and I grew up with every 142 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:16,960 kind of furry animal you could. But I also had asthma, and I 143 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,000 guess I took enough drugs so I could handle that. 144 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,440 But once I went away to college, all that kind of disappeared. 145 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,120 And I was allergic to my home from that point forward, because 146 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,600 at that point we didn't have any more cats, but we still had a 147 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,800 couple dogs. And I had to live in the 148 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:34,880 basement with the window open in the winter when I was there on 149 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,760 college breaks. And so I was not a dog person. 150 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:42,760 Now I'm a huge dog person because my girlfriend had a dog 151 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:46,560 and luckily I wasn't allergic to her dog at the time. 152 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,280 And it certainly helped the relationship. 153 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:53,800 And since then we've had rescued 2 more dogs and and they're 154 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,840 great. So, and my mom was a big animal 155 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,680 lover. And so I think again, that's 156 00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:03,440 that's mom continually teaching. You know, he changed, he, he, he 157 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,000 changed it. It's all about these things that 158 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,960 we get these lessons that we get taught, these things that we 159 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,400 learn along the path. And, and, and I'm, I'm, I'm 160 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:11,920 fascinated. We're going to go into the book 161 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,440 here. But, but really at the end of 162 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,480 the day, there's different seasons for, for, for different 163 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,480 parts of our lives. And there's a lot of guys out 164 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,400 there, middle-aged people who have never gone out and chased 165 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,480 their dreams. They don't even know what their 166 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,480 dreams are, you know, and they're just, they're just 167 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,600 connected the dots. We talk about this all the time 168 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,840 on the show and but you weren't that guy. 169 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,800 You were the guy that was afforded the ability earlier on 170 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,000 in life to go and chase your dreams. 171 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,080 Was that something that your parents always supported? 172 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,240 I would have to say yes verbally. 173 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:45,520 They, they, they may have said, you know, once I, I went to 174 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,480 college, I got a, a, a, a Bachelor of Science in 175 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:52,840 industrial design, had a very successful design career going 176 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,600 and I gave it up to go to Hollywood to try that very 177 00:09:55,600 --> 00:10:01,000 secure career in acting. And neither one of my parents 178 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,040 ever said anything like, what are you doing? 179 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,400 Like my dad's thing would have been your, your dumb bag rat. 180 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,160 What are you doing? And, and never. 181 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:15,600 And when they would come up and visit me in Lai think my mom got 182 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,400 a kick out of it because I have a chapter in a book called the 183 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:22,640 Champion of Arts. And she always wanted to get us 184 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,320 into, I think, into some creative career. 185 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,360 All of us were in the ballet at some point except for I think 186 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,680 one older brother. And I kind of fell into that. 187 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,240 My mom was a big fan of the ballet. 188 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:39,360 And we we lived about 20 minutes from Manhattan. 189 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:43,320 So she would take us say, we'd go to Radio City Music Hall, we 190 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:47,720 would go to Broadway plays and, and we would see the ballet and 191 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:51,160 things like that. And then my older brother and 192 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,640 older sister were like little stars in Northern Jersey. 193 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:59,520 We all studied with Irene Fokin was a very reputable Russian 194 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:04,680 ballet teacher, very strict. And so they were starring 195 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,960 actually with the Royal Danish Ballet in Lincoln Center when I 196 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,040 was about 7. And I went to visit, you know, 197 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:15,800 see the show and and I went backstage to visit before they 198 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,360 went on. And it was one of those 199 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,560 Hollywood stories. Some guy comes crashing through 200 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,320 the door and says, Hey, we need another little kid. 201 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:26,520 And he locks eyes with me. And he says, you kid want to be 202 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,800 in the show. And I'm like, what? 203 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,880 And then he says, and we'll pay you. 204 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,600 And I went, oh, now we're talking. 205 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:37,200 So my first job, I'm a professional dancer now. 206 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,760 I got thrown right into a wardrobe. 207 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,720 I got a great costume. I look like a little Errol Flynn 208 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,920 with the with the sachet and, and it was fabulous. 209 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,760 I got a better costume than my brother and he was not happy 210 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:52,280 about it. But we got paid $5 a show and 211 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,120 we're in Lincoln Center. So that was my debut at 7. 212 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:59,640 And I said, this is cool. And then I started taking dance 213 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,520 lessons and then we performed in the The Nutcracker. 214 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:09,800 Irene Fokin had a very popular production of that in Northern 215 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:13,000 Jersey where she got a lot of the leads from New York City. 216 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:17,680 So we top notch dancers and I was a kid and I was, you know, 217 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,960 played a bunch of roles. And so and then we travelled 218 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,280 around New Jersey doing recitals and things like that. 219 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,560 But I retired I think around 10 or 11 from that. 220 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,920 I did, did not get along with Irene Fokin. 221 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,880 She was a tough Russian and I was a very independent, stubborn 222 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,160 kid. And so I, I retired at, let's 223 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:38,240 say 11 from the ballet and that was it for the creative stuff 224 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:43,560 until I got into working after design. 225 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,880 I always did some funny stuff because my family, we had funny 226 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,880 things. So I, I wrote funny songs and we 227 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:51,720 did some fun performances of goofy stuff. 228 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,760 But when I was working at a design firm, one of our 229 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,120 receptionists was a model. And she said, hey, you should 230 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,800 start doing this. And so I looked into it and I 231 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:05,040 started doing the print and then some commercials because they 232 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,840 the commercials I was getting because they said you can act. 233 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,360 And I said, oh, that's interesting. 234 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,480 And yeah, it's. A gateway, yeah. 235 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:16,640 Yeah, and then in 84 I decided to bite the bullet and drove 236 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,960 across country and yeah, I moved to Hollywood. 237 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:25,320 So yeah, I've. I've, I've pretty much, I think 238 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,680 chased every dream. So that was, that was a big one 239 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:34,200 and it was, it was great because I wanted to be a good actor. 240 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:39,520 So I had a connection with an agent from my work in Ohio and, 241 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,120 and so she said start, you know, acting classes right away. 242 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,760 So I I was in acting classes when I first got there and, and 243 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,800 pretty much until I left in 2012. 244 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:54,080 And it was great. And so I said I want to be a 245 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,240 good actor. And my goal at that point was to 246 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,160 get on like Hill Street Blues. That was one of the top shows 247 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,120 you wanted to see. Yeah. 248 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,800 Yeah. And in less than two years, I 249 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,520 got on Hill Street Blues. Wow. 250 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,000 That was the start. And so I said that that's just 251 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,640 Steven. Bochco like the top of the top 252 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,160 of the top like that, you know, at the time, for those who don't 253 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:15,640 know, Hill Street Blues, like like that was probably the the 254 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,760 number one from a popularity standpoint. 255 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,920 Drama on TV at that. Time and and that read that 256 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:25,760 redefined definitely police shows and stuff and and and 257 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,600 television overall so but this is how Hollywood works so I get 258 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,120 Hill St. Blue I didn't work again for 259 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,880 seven months yeah. That's so that's, that's exactly 260 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,920 the feast and famine of the whole thing, right. 261 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,880 But you're chasing the dream and, and, and, and looking back 262 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,280 on that like I'm, I'm, I'm feeling your energy even as 263 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,560 you're talking about it. There's a lot of guys out there 264 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:47,360 who haven't even dipped their toe in their dream. 265 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,440 And I and you know, looking back, it feels like, you know, 266 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,360 you drove it's, it's that classic story. 267 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,000 You drove across the country to go and see if you can make it 268 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,280 there and see if if if you could make any headway there 269 00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,680 whatsoever. You were there all the way till 270 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,560 2012. What a ride. 271 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:06,080 And I mean, I don't sense regret there at all for going out and 272 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,560 at least trying to see what you could do because it feels like 273 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:14,360 you went pretty far down the road compared to, you know, what 274 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,440 could have happened. Yeah, no, it it all of it was 275 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,320 good. In fact, you get a little 276 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,840 spoiled so that first I'm on Hill Street Blues and when you, 277 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:27,560 what's lovely when you're a, a union actor, if it goes into 278 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,840 overtime, the money just it, it, it multiplies. 279 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:35,120 So we were into like double golden time and I'm playing the 280 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,120 assistant DA. So I'm in the courtroom and it 281 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:43,920 was maybe 11 hours and, and I, I noticed in the, the gallery, 282 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:48,360 there was a, a man must have been in his 80s and he's there 283 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:52,200 that whole time as an extra and he's having the best time in the 284 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,040 world. And I'm like, Oh my gosh. 285 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,640 So I sat with him during one of our breaks and, and I'm kind of 286 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,880 hinting like, don't you have something better to do with the 287 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,240 years you have left? And, and he says, no, I just 288 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,840 love being around you young creative people. 289 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,960 It just, it gives me energy. It feeds me. 290 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:12,200 And, and he says, and my daughter owns the studio, so I 291 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,560 like hanging out here. And I said, who's your daughter? 292 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:19,160 He says Mary Tyler Moore. So it was MTM studios at the 293 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:24,280 time and they at Saint Elsewhere was there, Hill Street Blues 294 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:27,880 Later on Seinfeld was filmed there, which I was on actually 295 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:32,640 with my dad. And it was it was just a a great 296 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,280 start. But to see this man it just 297 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:38,120 having so much fun hanging out at his daughter's studio. 298 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:42,000 It it was lovely. So that was that was like, this 299 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,480 is very, very cool. So that was yeah. 300 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,200 And I had a lot of moments like that, I think because of, you 301 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,960 know, you go in with a good attitude. 302 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:53,280 There's a lot of rejection, of course, but you got to say, I'm 303 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,520 going to roll with it. Or you, you, you, I, I guess you 304 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,640 depend on your thick skin and stuff like that. 305 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,760 And I grew up with two very, let's say, torturing brothers. 306 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:06,119 So I learned about a thick skin very early on in life. 307 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,119 So it was like, that's all you got. 308 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,040 Nothing. Nothing compared to my brothers. 309 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:14,599 So this is a great contrast because I want it now move 310 00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:20,359 forward a lot of time to the place where you had to make the 311 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:24,560 decision with mom and you knew you saw that, you know, there 312 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,000 was a time that was that was necessary that you were going to 313 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:32,040 have to come in and be the guy as she, you know, descended into 314 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,360 her golden years. And through that the challenges 315 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:37,480 that can come with that. I want to talk about that part 316 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:41,360 of the story now. How old were you and what was 317 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,960 the realization moment when that happened that it was you were 318 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:50,040 going to be the guy? Well, I was 55 and at the time 319 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,240 my acting career was kind of petering out because I didn't 320 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,440 have a major name or a great agent or anything like that. 321 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:02,240 It still had work once in a while, but I was running a snack 322 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,320 food business that my brother and I started to honor my father 323 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:10,720 and he invented this half pop popcorn snack he called 324 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,600 Nutronuts. We eventually changed it to 325 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,400 Grandpa Poe's originals and we built it into a national brand 326 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:20,080 and it was great 'cause it was a just a family secret. 327 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,680 My father didn't have any luck getting it to the market and I 328 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,560 told him that I'm going to get it to the market and 329 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,480 unfortunately we got on the store shelves a year after he 330 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,880 passed, but I'm sure he's enjoying it. 331 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,920 Anyway, that was he. Was going to say he knew like 332 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:37,600 energetically, energetically. It's that it's that beautiful, 333 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,400 beautiful triumph that keeps him alive. 334 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,520 And, and, and and and whether or not, you know, we don't know 335 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:46,320 what happens on the other side. But but the idea of the tribute 336 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:50,320 that's still happening after he's gone, that right there is a 337 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,680 beautiful, beautiful sentiment. And then if there's anything 338 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,840 else, that's cake. So what a beautiful story that 339 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,040 is. And that's gonna be the next 340 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:57,280 book, right? How you honor Dad? 341 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,480 Well, there, there is a a chapter in there. 342 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,920 Yep, Yep, that is the book that I'm almost done with now, which 343 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,520 is focusing more on dad. But there is a chapter about 344 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,880 this in, in this book also and the cup of tea and the commode. 345 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:14,320 And so that was pretty much 24/7. 346 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:18,000 And also that prepared me for mom because I did, I was 347 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,800 multitasking every day. I did everything for that 348 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:24,120 company from the website and the social media and all the 349 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,360 marketing to the, the demos to cooking everything. 350 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,600 I designed the equipment. So it, it, it set me up very 351 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:35,920 well for mom. And so I'm doing that and still 352 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,520 never married, had no children. So I say I was having the 353 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,800 carefree bachelor life. And I get a call from my 354 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,640 brother. My mother was still living in 355 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,480 the house that we grew up in in Ridgewood, NJ. 356 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,440 And he said mom's on her deathbed, the doctor cut off all 357 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:57,480 meds and food and called Hospice and so come home. 358 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:01,840 So she had six children. So we all came back thinking, 359 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,600 you know, we're going back to say goodbye. 360 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:08,040 And I think it was it was about 9 days after her 89th birthday 361 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,240 and she was still physically fine. 362 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:15,680 We had a family living in upstairs in our house that we're 363 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,240 overseeing household duties, doing the cooking in the 364 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,280 shopping and stuff because she could no longer no longer drive, 365 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,840 but also to keep her company. Yeah, We found out that they did 366 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,800 not get along very well, so they left my mother alone a lot. 367 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,080 So my mother did suffer from some depression throughout her 368 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,480 life, but she hid it very well from us. 369 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:39,000 But as the years go on, the filter seemed to fade. 370 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,960 And so she became sometimes grumpy and depressed. 371 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,680 And I think at this point she was not happy. 372 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,480 And I think she just said, if this is going to be the end of 373 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,000 my life, I'm going to end it now because this is not cool. 374 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:55,120 And so she was non responsive. I called it a semi comatose 375 00:20:55,120 --> 00:21:00,680 state and a Hospice was there when I arrived and didn't open 376 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,080 her eyes. Maybe once in a while opened her 377 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,280 eyes but didn't talk. She responded a little bit to 378 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,960 touch but she looked like she was ready to go. 379 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,520 And we had the priest come in deliver the last rites. 380 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:16,600 And so my younger sister and I hung out with Hospice because we 381 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:20,120 wanted to care for our mother as much as possible for as long as 382 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,760 she wanted to be here. We didn't know if she's gonna be 383 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,400 hours, days or what. So Hospice was great. 384 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,560 They were very generous. They taught us the little tips 385 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,160 and tricks. We had to deal with bed sores at 386 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:34,120 the time, how to change the diaper and sponge bathe her 387 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:37,200 correctly, and how to change the bedding with the helpless 388 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,160 patient in bed. Little tricky, but it was good 389 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,960 to to know how to do that without. 390 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,800 I'm gonna stop you there because right now there are people 391 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,800 listening to this and they're like, whoa, they're getting 392 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,320 squeamish. They're getting to this place. 393 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,680 And, and, and I mean, having a little bit of experience with 394 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:57,360 this, you know, just talk about the idea of, you know, 'cause 395 00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,360 you're on the other side of it right now and it's old hat and 396 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,960 you're able to talk about it. There's a gear inside of us that 397 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,960 does kind of open up and give us the ability. 398 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,320 There's a lot of people thinking about this going. 399 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,600 I could never do that. And I just would like you to 400 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:14,200 talk to that point just for a moment, because at some point 401 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,040 there's a good chance many, if not most of us are going to have 402 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,360 to do that in some way, shape or form. 403 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,600 And I want you to talk about how it became old hat from when it 404 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:27,360 was something that that that perhaps was not so much. 405 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,200 Right, well, for a son, I think especially it was a little 406 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,400 awkward in the beginning because you're seeing your mother naked 407 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,520 for the first time. At least I was. 408 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,480 And she's at that .89. You see what the years have done 409 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:44,240 to her and they're not kind nor is gravity. 410 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:50,560 And but I think that's where my my acting training came in 411 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,240 because I always said I'm taking on this role, a caregiver. 412 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:57,960 So I've got to become the caregiver and, and not, I'm 413 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,600 still the son, but I'm burying that part and I'm becoming, 414 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:04,640 whether it's method acting or not, I'm the caregiver because I 415 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:08,680 didn't want, my mother was not really awake at that point, but 416 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,520 I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. 417 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,160 I didn't want her feel like she was a burden or that she was 418 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:18,360 putting us in an awkward position in any way. 419 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:22,040 So if there was any, if I was uncomfortable at any time, I had 420 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:23,640 to bury it. And I, I think that's where the 421 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:25,520 acting came in or leave the room. 422 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:29,720 And one of one of the pieces advice I would give people is if 423 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,440 they are uncomfortable with any of this, you don't, again, you 424 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,760 don't want to put that on your loved one. 425 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,600 Don't do it. You don't, you don't need to do 426 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,160 it. You can find a pro to do it or 427 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:43,920 someone who is comfortable with the, the changing the bedding, 428 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,280 wiping the, the, the butt on the commode and changing all that 429 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,440 stuff. If you are there and you're 430 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,400 present and you show them that you care and you want them to 431 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:56,200 stick around, that's enough. I mean, some of the best moments 432 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,760 I had with my mother was sitting at the kitchen table just 433 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,400 holding hands and not a word was spoken. 434 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:05,200 But boy, there was such a lovely connection going between our 435 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,880 hands. And those were the lovely 436 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:09,560 moments. I mean, you got to get through 437 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:15,280 the, the normal daily chores and I tried to make them as fun as 438 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,080 possible and certainly pleasant. And I took a lot of tender 439 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,280 loving care in it and stuff. But there's, there's some 440 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:25,800 moments where it's like, oh, and I and I in, in the book, I, I 441 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,560 lay it all out. People say, boy, it's raw and 442 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:32,720 honest and it, it, it. If you're a bit squeamish, you 443 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:36,240 may have a little issue with some of the chapters, but I 444 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:39,920 wanted to write an honest book about what you're confronted and 445 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,800 and so. Yeah, but people who are in the 446 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,560 situation, that's what they want to hear. 447 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,000 They, they, they, they don't, they don't want to hear people 448 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,960 beating around the Bush when it comes to that, right? 449 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,120 No pun. I don't know if there's a pun 450 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:52,560 there or not, but they don't want to hear that. 451 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,240 They don't want to hear that at all. 452 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:58,320 Because at the end of the day, when you're in that situation or 453 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:02,280 entering that situation, you need to know the info and, and, 454 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,360 and the idea, like, I mean, you're showing right here. 455 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,000 You know, you have that and, and, and you're a great, you're 456 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,040 a humorous writer, but you're showing it here. 457 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,880 You got personality and you're throwing it out there with a 458 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:15,680 little bit of panache, right? So, but at the same time, you 459 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,720 are also not sugarcoating what some of the hard stuff is. 460 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,360 And that's what that's what we need to hear. 461 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,120 We need to hear that. And here you are on the other 462 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,200 side of it. You're able to talk about it. 463 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,920 It wasn't, you know, you're able to get through it. 464 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,840 A lot of people, the fear is worse than the reality, I guess 465 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,560 is what I'm trying to say. And that is very, very clear in 466 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:37,000 your message. Yeah, it also what helps is I 467 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,760 have this motto and and I tell people some, some people have 468 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,880 say it's corny, but my motto it's, it's, it's, it's helped me 469 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,640 throughout life, especially with all of my adventures I've been 470 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,400 into. And it's find the joy and I 471 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,480 focus on the positive aspect of any of this stuff. 472 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:57,520 And, and so this was I'm going in and when I, I actually asked 473 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:01,280 my mother for permission at one point because I didn't move back 474 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:03,280 right away. I stayed with her several weeks 475 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,600 and then I went back to LA to take care of some business. 476 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,960 And then I came back a few months later and took care of 477 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,000 her for two more weeks. And that's the time where I 478 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,440 said, you know, I really think I got to step in and do this. 479 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:18,840 And I asked her for permission and I said, there's two things. 480 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:23,000 First, we're going to have fun because that that's the way I 481 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,320 roll. I wanted to make it as fun as 482 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,560 possible and make her laugh at least once a day. 483 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:33,640 And and she said, great. And I said, so if I do this, I 484 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:38,200 will now be in charge. And she was like, and I said, 485 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:42,320 that means you must now obey me. So the full role reversal. 486 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,400 And I'm the leader, I'm the leader. 487 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:48,560 Her smile completely disappeared, but she did puck 488 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,600 her up for a kiss. And I wasn't sure if that was a 489 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:54,240 sign of surrender or one wishing me luck because she she could 490 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:58,680 be, she could be a tough cookie. So I just gave her a kiss and 491 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,920 hope for the best. And it was, it was fun. 492 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:06,400 But again, yeah, if you go when I think with that mindset of how 493 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,320 can I also I put the focus on her. 494 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:13,520 So how can I make her each day more special? 495 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:17,440 How can I make her laugh? How can I cook a, a meal that 496 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:22,200 she hasn't had for a while or make her smile or, or do 497 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,720 something? And so I kept coming up with 498 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:27,880 those kind of things and not dwelling on, boy, this is 499 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:31,720 emotionally taxing and this is physically exhausting and all 500 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,320 that business. And it really helped. 501 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:38,360 And also, I grew up with two nutty parents and sense of humor 502 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:42,120 was a a big deal with my siblings and and my folks, 503 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:43,920 especially in difficult situations. 504 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:48,600 And so whether it's maybe dark sense of humor or not, but we 505 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,840 had moments where mom certainly made me laugh quite a bit too. 506 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:56,160 And so that helps. I I love hearing that. 507 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:58,200 I want to, I want to connect the dot real quick here. 508 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,560 Was it the community? Was it the fact that her family 509 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,480 was back around her that allowed her to kind of rise back up 510 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,520 again and then come back from the from the brink of where she 511 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:07,200 was at? Was it? 512 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:09,240 Was it basically you guys that caused that? 513 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:13,400 I, I believe, yes, I have a chapter in the book called The 514 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,960 Silent Scream, and I think it was a cry for help. 515 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:19,440 She wanted love back in her life and certainly back in her house. 516 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:25,560 And I think with all of her kids there and being around and 517 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:29,480 certainly a few of us caring for her, actually physically caring 518 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,480 for her, she sensed that was back. 519 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,840 And I think she said, OK, we'll give it another try. 520 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,160 And that's fantastic. Yeah. 521 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:41,440 So it was, yeah, it was about 3 weeks and it's interesting. 522 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,320 So Hospice, we found out that Hospice, you know, they had this 523 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:45,840 directive. Yep. 524 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:50,080 And but each of the Hospice nurses came in 'cause we had a 525 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:54,000 caravan of these nurses and they were great, but some of them 526 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,360 prescribed their own medicine and so we had to make sure they 527 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:02,800 read the directive. No food, no medicine, no, no 528 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,080 even drinking. We would just moisten her lips 529 00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:07,120 occasionally. And she had no desire. 530 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:11,480 She she showed no indication of wanting anything other than just 531 00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:13,760 the sleep. And this one nurse came in and 532 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:15,640 she read the directive and she goes, OK. 533 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,440 And she went right into my mother's room and leaned over 534 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:20,800 and said, Missus Poro, are you hungry? 535 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:23,480 And my mother, this is 3 weeks in. 536 00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:27,400 My mother's eyes snapped open like a dinner bell went off. 537 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:30,360 And I'm like what the what is that? 538 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,880 And then the lady looks at us and accuses us of trying to 539 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:38,280 starve her mother to death. So so my sister and I were there 540 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,000 at the time. We almost jumped over the bed to 541 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:44,800 strangle her and said no we're not, please go and call your 542 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:46,960 supervisor. So the supervisor sent her away 543 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:51,720 because she broke the rules. But now I'm thinking maybe the 544 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:56,040 maybe the original assessment was wrong and we are in fact. 545 00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:58,840 So I went into feeling really guilty and said, mom, are you 546 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,280 hungry? And she says, what do you got? 547 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,800 And those are her first words in weeks. 548 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:08,880 And I'm like, anything you want. And it's now it's March. 549 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,240 And she says, how about some pumpkin pie? 550 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,000 Well, it's not, it's not pumpkin pie season. 551 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:20,960 So I, I, I, I left the room. My brother who lived locally was 552 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:24,200 in the living room and I said please see if you can find a 553 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:26,000 miracle and find some pumpkin pies. 554 00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:29,760 He came back in less than a probably a less than an hour 2 555 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,560 fresh pumpkin pies. I don't know where he found 556 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:34,160 them, I don't know if he baked them himself. 557 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:38,600 But the pumpkin pies woke her up again. 558 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:41,640 The 1st food in weeks. She spit out the first spoonful 559 00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:44,080 but the second spoonful went down. 560 00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:48,600 She ended up eating half the the first pie that day, finished it, 561 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,560 finished it the next day and then I think ate the full pie 562 00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:54,080 the next day. But her color was back. 563 00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:59,800 She was awake and alert and she knew what was going on and it 564 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:02,760 was fabulous. So that one nurse, I call her 565 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:07,560 the rebel nurse actually was it I think a guardian Angel. 566 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,240 So it was, it was pretty amazing. 567 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:13,760 And so she ate and and she may have been on their most 568 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:18,560 continuous sugar high because for weeks it was it was the 569 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,080 pumpkin pies. Then it went to sugary oatmeal 570 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:23,840 and she had about 8 bowls of oatmeal. 571 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:28,160 Wow. A day before that it was bowls 572 00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:32,040 of sherbet. And it was like New Jersey was 573 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,080 running out of sherbet. And. 574 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:40,200 Again, super, super high sugar content and, and then the 575 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:43,200 oatmeal was a lot of sugar in it as well. 576 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,520 But we said, hey, listen, she's doing great. 577 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:47,560 You got anything you want at this point? 578 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,480 You know, she's 89 going into her 90th year. 579 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:54,200 And yeah, eat, eat it. And it was great. 580 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,800 And then we started sneaking in some real food and, and then it 581 00:31:57,800 --> 00:31:59,320 worked out pretty well after that. 582 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:04,160 The sustenance that is a that is a phenomenal, phenomenal part of 583 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:10,160 the story And and it just shows again, what will I mean and, and 584 00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:14,840 and and desire and drive can do when you have some sort of a 585 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:17,160 purpose, whatever that purpose is for her eating the pumpkin 586 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:20,880 pie and then and then coming back to it again, shout out to 587 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:23,120 that nurse. I mean, you talk about, you 588 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:26,720 know, somebody who's really in the healthcare profession, that 589 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:30,080 was someone who cared and, and, and what a what a what a, what a 590 00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:33,480 part of the story that was. So OK, you, you, you, this goes 591 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:35,640 on. She starts to get her life back 592 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:40,120 in her and you realize, OK, well, you're going to be the 593 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:42,360 guy. You make the decision, you tell 594 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:46,800 her, and she goes with it in her whatever way that she does. 595 00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:51,800 Was there any times as this began? 596 00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:53,400 Now, obviously there's a learning curve. 597 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:56,240 Your purpose is learning what the new normal is going to be, 598 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,040 all that sort of stuff. But then at a certain point, I 599 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:04,000 imagine it becomes a routine and the newness and the things, the 600 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:05,840 challenge kind of go away a little bit. 601 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:10,680 Were there times where you were feeling I, I don't want to say 602 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,920 resentful, but yeah, like, I mean resentful or, or, or bored 603 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:17,200 or anything. Like, were there times during 604 00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:22,000 those times where you know the magic of being there for your 605 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:24,280 mom and these moments that you talk about the beautiful things, 606 00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:26,120 There had to have been some lows as well. 607 00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:30,280 Oh, sure, Yeah, yeah. I don't know if there was any 608 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:35,400 boredom because it's, again, it's a, it's a 24/7 job, right? 609 00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:40,080 And even when you're, there were a number of times where I'm up 610 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:44,120 laying in bed and, and she's sleeping and safely in her 611 00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:46,640 hospital bed, so she can't get out of bed or anything like 612 00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:49,040 that, but you're still worried if she's going to be breathing 613 00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:52,400 when you get up in the morning. And there were a number of times 614 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:55,800 where she almost gave me heart attacks where she'd be calling 615 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:59,040 out my name very early in the morning and I'd go flying down 616 00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:02,080 the stairs, not knowing if it's an emergency or not and sliding 617 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:05,920 into her room And she'd say, oh, you are here. 618 00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:10,040 I'm like, of course I'm here. Where else am I going to be? 619 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,000 It's 6:00 in the morning. And she's like, oh, just 620 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,520 checking. And I said, can you check a 621 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:18,280 couple hours later next time? I just got to bed. 622 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:23,600 But you know, the you get again, it was I was glad she was awake. 623 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:27,239 And so that was lovely. While she was there again or 624 00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:31,679 while I was there, she slept a lot because she was like a baby. 625 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:35,159 And so I had some skills in doing this. 626 00:34:35,159 --> 00:34:38,760 So I ended up renovating her entire house while I was there. 627 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:43,600 Oh, there you go. And that was lovely because I 628 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:46,280 kept her engaged to show her, you know what we're doing. 629 00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,560 And but it was pretty funny. She did suffer from a little bit 630 00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:52,360 of dementia. So after we would go through, 631 00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:55,880 let's say our morning routine and I would get her into the 632 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:58,040 kitchen for breakfast. Always cooked a nice healthy 633 00:34:58,040 --> 00:34:59,920 breakfast. And I put her in the living room 634 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,400 where she watched the Animal Planet all day or Jeopardy and 635 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,920 Wheel of Fortune and that kind of stuff at night seems to be 636 00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:10,320 mandatory for a certain age. And, and I would be off to Home 637 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:13,720 Depot in between and getting on the material. 638 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:19,760 So Home Depot I'm coming in with two by fours and buckets and all 639 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:22,360 this stuff. And, and for about 5 days in a 640 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:24,720 row, she's watching me in the living room pass her by and 641 00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:29,080 she's going, what is going on? And I said, I'm making your 642 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:32,440 house more beautiful. She goes, well, who's paying for 643 00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:37,000 all that? I said you are so cheer and that 644 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:40,960 went almost every day. I said I'm renovating your 645 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:42,280 house. I'm making it more beautiful. 646 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:47,240 Who's pay you are cherub. You may have to go back to work. 647 00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:54,080 So it was a lot of fun. But during that there was I, 648 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:59,480 the, the last thing that I did was her, her bathroom upstairs 649 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:06,320 and I put in a big bathtub and, and I, I thought what you want. 650 00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:08,480 So, you know, we take a lot of these things for granted. 651 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:10,200 I don't know. The last time she had a bath, 652 00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:12,280 she had sponge baths twice a day. 653 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,760 I did sponge baths morning and evening, but last time a real 654 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:17,920 bubble bath. So I said, hey, you want to 655 00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:20,080 christen the new bathroom with the bubble bath? 656 00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:25,200 And she said absolutely. So I carried her upstairs, put 657 00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:29,800 her in the bubble bath, place the bubbles and ice covering 658 00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:32,840 everything and shot a picture. And she's just beaming from ear 659 00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:34,160 to ear. It's fantastic. 660 00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:39,680 And then she passes out and I'm like, and I'm so God, papping 661 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:43,280 her cheek and going oh God. I try to do a good thing and I 662 00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:46,440 kill my mom, but at least she smelled good. 663 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:51,440 So I pull her out of the bathtub because I again, she had a 664 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:54,880 wicked sense of humor, so I thought she was joking and she 665 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:57,640 wasn't. She was out and so I carried her 666 00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:00,520 downstairs and put her to bed and called the nurse and the 667 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:04,280 nurse said she fainted because her blood pressure went too low 668 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:06,040 in the hot water. You left her in too long. 669 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,120 So that was her last bubble bath. 670 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:13,520 But she woke up about 30 minutes later, had no recollection of 671 00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:15,680 passing out. But she loved the new bathroom, 672 00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:19,600 so it worked out good for me. That would have been a tough one 673 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:24,160 to explain to my siblings. Oh, by the way, yeah. 674 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:27,120 So we had, we had. I think that was the only near 675 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:29,440 death moment. There was another time when we 676 00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:33,480 when I finished the basement, I had, I did all the work, but I 677 00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:36,720 had someone to come in with the carpet, the carpeting. 678 00:37:36,720 --> 00:37:39,760 So I had two carpet samples and they're three by three inch 679 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:43,160 squares. And I served her breakfast in 680 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,040 bed this particular day. And then I put the two carpet 681 00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:50,360 samples on her breakfast tray and went in to replenish her, 682 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:54,440 her sippy cup with juice. And I came back and she has a 683 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:57,840 carpet sample in her mouth and a scowl on her face. 684 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:02,640 And I said, what's going on? She goes, this is not a cookie. 685 00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:08,680 I said no, it's a carpet sample, which one tastes better? 686 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:14,040 And, and she chose well. So we had, we had some, I mean, 687 00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:18,560 we tried to make again, you make light of it as best you can 688 00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:21,600 because it's a, it's a stress relief, I think for both of us 689 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:24,000 and. Yeah, but you you think about if 690 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:27,120 you didn't make that decision and, and, and and go on this, 691 00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:31,760 you know, trek of life, you know, these little moments are 692 00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:35,040 the things that pass us by every day really quickly. 693 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:37,080 I know you're in the South of France now and I know the pace 694 00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,560 is very different than it is here in North America. 695 00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:41,920 But but but yeah, I know you remember it and I know you 696 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:45,560 remember the the hell bent speed that everybody seems to be going 697 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:47,200 on. We're tunnel visioned, you know, 698 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:49,920 we don't pop our heads up for moments like that. 699 00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:52,080 And I mean, I think back to growing up, you think about 700 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,920 Reader's Digest, right? And Reader's Digest, in between 701 00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,360 all the articles, they always had these little, teeny, tiny 702 00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:00,480 little anecdotes, the life like that kind of anecdotes. 703 00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:05,400 And I find that those are going away unless we have some sort of 704 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,120 a, of a quest like this or a mandate like this. 705 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,240 You know, again, these are some of those things that you never 706 00:39:12,240 --> 00:39:13,480 even would have thought of you. OK? 707 00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:14,960 I've got to take someone's got to take care of mom. 708 00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:16,640 I'll take care of mom. We'll make it happen, right? 709 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,400 But you don't imagine that those little life like that moments 710 00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:21,760 are going to happen. And here you are years later, 711 00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:25,280 talking about those little moments, the the carpet square 712 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,280 versus the cookie. You know, that's a beautiful 713 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:28,960 little story there. Yeah. 714 00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:33,880 Wouldn't happen if you didn't take time and and and be present 715 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:35,520 with your mom the way that you were. 716 00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:39,640 Yeah, and, and I think that, you know, my intention wasn't 717 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:42,960 originally to write a book. I, I, I, I have a, a, a, a, a 718 00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:47,480 history of recording family events and stuff like that 719 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:49,200 because I want to memorialize them. 720 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,720 So I, that's kind of in my background, but also I think 721 00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:56,120 from my screen writing and stuff in Hollywood, if I see what I 722 00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:58,840 think is an interesting story, I think about, oh, what could I do 723 00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:03,400 to make this into a movie? And but I started originally 724 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,840 taking notes because again, I was Privy to all these wonderful 725 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:10,360 moments, some very interesting conversations and my mother had 726 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:13,280 some pretty interesting visions early on. 727 00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:18,040 I didn't want my siblings to miss out because I was 728 00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:19,840 experiencing these things everyday. 729 00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:22,440 So I just started recording all those things. 730 00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:24,680 There were a couple other things. 731 00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:29,440 I think being a son, I think I took maybe a little more of a 732 00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:33,440 romantic approach with mom and I had a great relationship with 733 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:38,280 her, with my dad as well. So I grew up with three sisters, 734 00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:41,640 so all had long hair. So I, I knew how to take care of 735 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:45,480 hair and brush hair and braid and, and I knew how to paint my 736 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,080 mother's nails. Her nails were like the crown 737 00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:49,680 jewels. Had to be very careful with 738 00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:52,920 those and, and with lipstick and things like that. 739 00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:57,200 And when I first got home, you know, my mother had these old 740 00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:02,360 tattered, drab day dresses. And I said, now we got to jazz 741 00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:04,240 this up. So if you want to cheer anybody 742 00:41:04,240 --> 00:41:06,720 up at any age, a new wardrobe will do that. 743 00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:11,400 And so I bought her a new wardrobe of these very nice day 744 00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:13,120 dresses. Her legs were still in pretty 745 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:15,480 good shape for her age. So I bought them on the shorter 746 00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:21,560 side and and she loved them. And it was fabulous. 747 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:25,600 And so my mom had six kids and she worked full time for the 748 00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:28,960 largest newspaper in New Jersey called the Bergen Record. 749 00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:32,920 And she worked the night shift and she only treated herself to 750 00:41:33,040 --> 00:41:36,440 a weekly visit to the beauty salon where she had a shampoo 751 00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:40,040 and set and had her nails done. And when she would visit me in 752 00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:43,120 Lai would take her to my friend's beauty parlor in 753 00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,400 Beverly Hills where she got the movie star treatment. 754 00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:48,520 And I knew that she loved that. I don't know the last time she 755 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:52,200 went to a beauty parlor or anything like that, but I, I 756 00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:56,280 created what I called Day of Beauty to try to recreate that 757 00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,680 at home. And so normally I gave her the 758 00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:01,640 sponge baths in the morning and evenings. 759 00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:06,920 But for Day of Beauty, while she sat on the commode, I soaked her 760 00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:10,440 feet in Epsom salts. I shampooed and rinsed and and 761 00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:15,880 conditioned her hair and then got her finished on the commode, 762 00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:18,560 got her on the bed and gave her the full sponge bath and a body 763 00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:21,800 massage. Full massage and body lotion and 764 00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:23,400 the baby powder and the new diaper. 765 00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:25,080 And then she chose her new wardrobe. 766 00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:29,240 And then it's another thing we take for granted. 767 00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:33,720 In between getting her up and into the wheelchair, we came up 768 00:42:33,720 --> 00:42:37,280 with another one of our little special routines, a morning hug. 769 00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:41,480 Because it's difficult to hug our elders. 770 00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:45,120 Usually they're lying in bed and, and it may hurt for them to 771 00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:48,920 hug, if not make it almost impossible. 772 00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:52,720 But touch is really important. And so we we would hug and it 773 00:42:52,720 --> 00:42:54,880 would be fabulous. And neither one wanted to let 774 00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:56,440 go. And then I would get her in the 775 00:42:56,440 --> 00:43:00,840 wheelchair and then I would blow dry her hair and put it in a 776 00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:05,800 ponytail or sometimes the braid and, and then I would do her 777 00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:08,800 nails and then gave her a little touch of lipstick to match the 778 00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:12,000 nails and usually bright red. And I didn't think that much of 779 00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:13,200 it. I thought, oh, this is a nice, 780 00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:16,000 nice gesture. So I'm Wheeling her into the 781 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:20,160 kitchen for breakfast and we pass by our dining room big 782 00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:24,280 mirror in the dining room. And I pass by and I park her in 783 00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:27,720 front of that dining room mirror and she is looking at her 784 00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:32,720 reflection and beaming. And I'm like, wow. 785 00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:35,360 So I lean in. I said, who is that pretty girl? 786 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:40,680 And she just, it was beautiful. The effect on her and certainly 787 00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:43,680 on me was just profound. I didn't think, you know, again, 788 00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:46,760 it was a nice gesture. But boy, the power of that. 789 00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:49,960 And I learned an important lesson is wanting to feel pretty 790 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:55,480 does not end with at 90 or any age, you know, And it's for men 791 00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:57,920 as well. Two days before my dad passed, 792 00:43:58,560 --> 00:44:02,000 my dad was very strict Catholic, and his hair was always neatly 793 00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:04,840 combed. He had a comb in his wallet and 794 00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:09,120 always clean shaven. And so my sister and I shaved 795 00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:13,160 him because we knew when he met Jesus, he wanted to be in, you 796 00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:14,880 know, looking as good as he could. 797 00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:18,640 And he so appreciated that. So it goes with men and women. 798 00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:23,400 And again, these are things that we think aren't important and 799 00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:26,040 they, they really are. And as I've shared this story 800 00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:29,080 with more people, they're saying that more assisted living and 801 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:33,640 more nursing homes are starting to bring in people to do these 802 00:44:33,640 --> 00:44:36,120 things, whether they're beauticians or whatever. 803 00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:40,160 But the wardrobe and the day of beauty were, were magical. 804 00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:44,040 And, and it was infectious because everybody who saw her 805 00:44:44,240 --> 00:44:47,000 saw, you know, it was radiating. It was fabulous. 806 00:44:47,720 --> 00:44:50,080 It's, it's a dignity thing, I think, and, and, and, and 807 00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:52,760 dignity and self esteem. Sometimes I think you're 808 00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:55,320 connected to each other and, and, and so, you know, if you 809 00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:58,680 can, if you can improve the self esteem, you could also improve 810 00:44:58,680 --> 00:45:01,240 the dignity or vice versa. It's probably both of those 811 00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:02,800 things. I I would think, you know, 812 00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:07,280 knowing that somebody cares and, and I mean, going through 813 00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:11,480 looking at the pictures that you had, you know, with mom and, 814 00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:13,760 and, and, you know, knowing that there was downtime that was 815 00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:15,120 there. So the pictures that that that, 816 00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:18,400 that you have are just, they're precious. 817 00:45:18,440 --> 00:45:21,760 I mean, and, and, and it's something that like, I've, I've 818 00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,160 learned a lot throughout listening to you here. 819 00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:27,280 The idea that you were taking notes so your siblings who 820 00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:29,720 weren't there could, could, could see that, but also taking 821 00:45:29,720 --> 00:45:35,280 the photos that you did, you know, allowed a very similar 822 00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:38,200 kind of a kind of a thing. Now you also have some downtime. 823 00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:39,480 You're ready to the house. I get it. 824 00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:42,200 Were you writing at that time? You're writing the notes and 825 00:45:42,200 --> 00:45:44,000 whatnot? Were you writing screenplays or 826 00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,080 were you writing? When did you start this book 827 00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:49,200 Throughout the process of where your mom was? 828 00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:55,480 Well, while I was, I guess during my journey, a friend of 829 00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:58,040 mine was going through something similar with her dad. 830 00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:02,560 And so I shared some of my experience and also what I 831 00:46:02,560 --> 00:46:05,200 learned from Hospice, the tips and tricks, and she got some 832 00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:07,960 benefit out of it. And that's when the idea of a 833 00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:11,480 book came in because again, my first instinct is how do I make 834 00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:14,040 it into a movie? And I said, no, I think this 835 00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:17,720 could help people and certainly put it out a lot faster than a 836 00:46:17,720 --> 00:46:21,880 movie. And, and, and so that was it. 837 00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:25,840 But I couldn't, again, because of the emotions and all that 838 00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:29,280 stuff, I couldn't write. So I just kept writing notes and 839 00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:32,280 when I would be inspired or something hit to say, oh, this 840 00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:35,240 story would be helpful. And because there's a lot of 841 00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:39,040 back story in it that helped, I think justify why I did what I 842 00:46:39,040 --> 00:46:40,640 did. And it was the way I was brought 843 00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:44,760 up by my family, not only my parents, but my siblings and 844 00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:48,040 stuff like that. So I, I couldn't write the book 845 00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:51,680 until I moved to France and I never wrote a book. 846 00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:58,000 So I wanted to study a memoir. And so I, I, I online, I studied 847 00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:02,400 A memoir course and, and did a few of those courses. 848 00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:05,920 And then my memoir teacher actually was my first editor and 849 00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:08,880 she gave me some great notes. And then I also said I wanted to 850 00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:10,680 be published. So I wanted to make it as good 851 00:47:10,680 --> 00:47:13,760 as possible. And I had two publishers that 852 00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:17,000 were interested. And, and so that was kind of 853 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:19,040 nice because at that point I was in my 60s. 854 00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:23,760 So I found my first publisher and, and the, the book is done 855 00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:25,840 very well. It's won a bunch of awards 856 00:47:26,880 --> 00:47:30,000 selling well. And the, the, the personal notes 857 00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:33,360 I've received from people who have read it have been the best 858 00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:39,680 and just lovely and very touching. 11 I'll share this, 859 00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:41,880 this girl, I think she's from my hometown. 860 00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:45,720 I didn't know her, but I'm very aggressive with the, with the 861 00:47:45,720 --> 00:47:48,000 marketing and social media. So a lot of people from my 862 00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:50,680 hometown have become followers on Facebook. 863 00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:52,680 Sure. And so she contacted me. 864 00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:56,440 She says, you know, my mom's 95. I bought your book and I'm 865 00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:59,480 reading it to her and we're both really enjoying it. 866 00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:02,600 And then the next year she contacted me. 867 00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:05,920 She goes, my mom's 96 now and I wanted to let you know we're 868 00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:08,680 reading your book again because we had so much fun the first 869 00:48:08,680 --> 00:48:12,480 time in Wow. And then she wrote me a couple 870 00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:16,200 weeks after that and she said, I just want you to know my mother 871 00:48:16,200 --> 00:48:20,640 passed away a couple weeks ago. And your book has helped me so 872 00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:26,200 much, not only before, but but during the process now because 873 00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:28,160 of your sense of humor and stuff like that. 874 00:48:28,480 --> 00:48:32,160 And I just thought that that was just beautiful and and really 875 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:35,600 generous of her to share that with a stranger basically. 876 00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:37,880 Or maybe we're not strangers now that she's read the book a 877 00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:40,640 couple times. Because my girlfriend here says, 878 00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:43,320 boy, you get to know a lot about him when we're done with this 879 00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:48,160 one, which is probably true. But that, yeah, that was 880 00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,800 beautiful. So the awards and and the book 881 00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:54,440 sales is now it's going to be published in China and Taiwan 882 00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:58,560 and South Korea so far. And but those personal notes are 883 00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:02,040 the are are the best. Yeah, I mean, don't, don't get 884 00:49:02,040 --> 00:49:04,840 me wrong seeing the book up in Times Square, the picture and 885 00:49:04,840 --> 00:49:08,040 and I mean, I can only imagine, you know, what mom and dad would 886 00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:11,400 think about the idea of a of, of one of their family stories. 887 00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:14,360 When you see that the the you know, up on the on the on the 888 00:49:14,360 --> 00:49:16,360 board in Times Square, it's such a beautiful, beautiful thing. 889 00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:20,120 Especially Jersey boy, who early on in Manhattan is the place, 890 00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:21,200 right. You're going across, you're 891 00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:22,760 performing at the center and all that. 892 00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:26,040 That's that's kind of that's one of those things where it's like, 893 00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:28,320 Oh my gosh, the full circle parts of it. 894 00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:32,640 But then you take, you know that that's great and it's nice. 895 00:49:32,960 --> 00:49:35,640 Gratify, gratification is great. There's nothing wrong with 896 00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,440 gratification. It's a wonderful, wonderful 897 00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:41,200 emotion and, and, and feeling. But then like you look at all 898 00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:46,320 the layers down that are so much deeper than that as to what 899 00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:48,720 you're talking about here. It's it's, it's a beautiful, 900 00:49:48,720 --> 00:49:52,000 beautiful thing. I just before we finish out, I 901 00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:54,200 know time gets really, really slippery when we do this. 902 00:49:54,440 --> 00:49:56,960 But when you do do the next book, I want to have you back on 903 00:49:57,320 --> 00:50:00,160 and, and I just appreciate I, I like Mark, I can't tell you how 904 00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:02,960 much I appreciate you sharing the things that you've shared. 905 00:50:02,960 --> 00:50:06,640 There's a lot of clues here for people who are going through 906 00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:09,880 this stuff or or maybe about to that they can hear. 907 00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:12,240 And I that's what he, he, he cast is all about what he 908 00:50:12,240 --> 00:50:14,920 changed. It's all about right And, and, 909 00:50:14,920 --> 00:50:18,040 and the fact that the fact that it's not one of her daughters, 910 00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:21,000 the fact that you are one of the sons, you know, I, I think a lot 911 00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,000 of time the caregiver does because is, is, is, is the woman 912 00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:27,080 many times. And, and the fact that you, you 913 00:50:27,080 --> 00:50:30,600 did this and not only did it, but wrote such a, such a 914 00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:34,800 wonderful, wonderful retelling of the story that will make you 915 00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:36,640 laugh. And, and the squeamish parts 916 00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:38,840 aren't so squeamish. They're a matter of fact that 917 00:50:38,840 --> 00:50:41,440 people, you know, they're facts that people need, matters of 918 00:50:41,440 --> 00:50:43,640 fact that people need is what I wanted to say. 919 00:50:45,120 --> 00:50:48,080 I'm very grateful for that. How did you end up going to the 920 00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:49,640 South of France? How did that happen? 921 00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:55,040 Well, I had an ex-girlfriend, always wanted to retire here and 922 00:50:55,200 --> 00:50:59,080 I guess I put the bug in my ear. I thought, you know, if I 923 00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:02,200 retire, it's going to be on a Caribbean island or maybe Italy. 924 00:51:02,200 --> 00:51:05,400 I've been to my grandfather came from Italy and I've been to his 925 00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:07,760 little village and I thought that that would be a place. 926 00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:12,640 But I came to France with her for the first time and and it 927 00:51:12,640 --> 00:51:17,160 was great. We spent a week in Provence with 928 00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:21,240 French friends from Paris and then we spent a week at their 929 00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:25,000 place in Paris. And so my introduction was 930 00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:28,640 fabulous. And we also, my mother's mother 931 00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:33,040 had French in her. And so we have French on the on 932 00:51:33,040 --> 00:51:35,600 the other side of the family. So I think my French ancestors 933 00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:38,840 had something to do with it. And then a couple years later, 934 00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:42,920 she found we were no longer a couple, but still in France 935 00:51:42,920 --> 00:51:45,120 because I was at at home taking care of mom. 936 00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:49,280 And she said, oh, I found a place in this where I am now. 937 00:51:49,280 --> 00:51:52,040 It's a little village called Pesenas in the southwest part of 938 00:51:52,040 --> 00:51:56,160 French. And, and, and I said, well, if 939 00:51:56,160 --> 00:52:00,120 you want to make it a vacation home, maybe we'll both go in and 940 00:52:00,240 --> 00:52:04,360 invest in this thing. And so I came over here almost 941 00:52:04,360 --> 00:52:07,280 11 years ago, actually this month, actually, I think today 942 00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:11,560 is when I landed here and I found I spent five days in this 943 00:52:11,560 --> 00:52:16,160 village, fell in love with the people and found this house and 944 00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:17,920 put an offer in. It was accepted. 945 00:52:18,240 --> 00:52:23,120 And then I moved here a couple years later after five days. 946 00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:25,880 Again, not knowing the language, I never expected to move to 947 00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:29,720 France, but I think I think the French ancestors had something 948 00:52:29,720 --> 00:52:32,520 to do with it because none of this should have worked out. 949 00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:36,520 And the people here are lovely and they forgive me for my I 950 00:52:36,520 --> 00:52:39,320 think my goal here is not to speak French, but to teach them 951 00:52:39,320 --> 00:52:44,040 English, because as soon as I start speaking French, they go 952 00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:46,600 right into English. Don't worry about it. 953 00:52:46,600 --> 00:52:47,800 Don't worry about it. Let's just do that. 954 00:52:47,920 --> 00:52:50,600 Yeah. The reason I ask is because, you 955 00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:53,400 know, you've always been the guy who, who, who has chased the 956 00:52:53,400 --> 00:52:57,760 things that you, you, you want to do and, and, and then you go 957 00:52:57,760 --> 00:53:02,800 through this experience with mom and, and, and, and then you 958 00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:04,160 write about it, You get it out there. 959 00:53:04,160 --> 00:53:06,200 I mean, the therapeutic, I mean the parts that we could talk 960 00:53:06,200 --> 00:53:12,080 about the therapeutic, you know, results from writing out the 961 00:53:12,080 --> 00:53:14,120 story and getting out there the way that you did. 962 00:53:14,120 --> 00:53:16,880 I mean endless. We could get into that, that 963 00:53:16,880 --> 00:53:20,000 those are those are obvious, But I was just curious if the 964 00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,760 ordeal, the experience said, you know what? 965 00:53:21,760 --> 00:53:24,560 This makes me want to do another kind of life change and, and do 966 00:53:24,560 --> 00:53:26,720 a reset and start. And if it had anything to do 967 00:53:26,720 --> 00:53:30,440 with that, or if you would have ended up in France anyway 968 00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:33,640 somehow. Excellent question. 969 00:53:33,640 --> 00:53:36,960 I have no idea. Again, I like adventure and 970 00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:43,680 maybe I needed a change again, losing at that point both of my 971 00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:46,040 folks. I'm still close with my 972 00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:52,280 siblings, but again, I moved out of the house shortly after I 973 00:53:52,280 --> 00:53:54,440 turned 18. I never really lived back there 974 00:53:54,440 --> 00:53:56,920 except when I returned to take care of mom. 975 00:53:57,200 --> 00:54:01,200 And so I, you know, went to school in Ohio, The Ohio State 976 00:54:01,240 --> 00:54:03,640 University, and then she. Represent. 977 00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:07,160 And then Hollywood and and and and then back to Jersey. 978 00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:10,560 So, yeah. And then I guess I had to take a 979 00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:12,640 bigger leap. So I went across the Atlantic. 980 00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:16,520 But the language is challenging for me. 981 00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:19,520 Boy, it's, it's, it shouldn't be that hard. 982 00:54:19,520 --> 00:54:22,680 We have so many words in common that I think they said there's 983 00:54:22,680 --> 00:54:26,120 40,000 words in common. But boy, Yep, I don't, I don't 984 00:54:26,120 --> 00:54:28,200 know. Those words seem to escape me. 985 00:54:29,360 --> 00:54:32,880 There's so, but they're lovely. And the wine here, it's the 986 00:54:32,880 --> 00:54:34,920 largest wine growing region in the world. 987 00:54:34,920 --> 00:54:36,640 And the wine is cheaper than water. 988 00:54:36,840 --> 00:54:38,440 So if you're into wine, it's great. 989 00:54:38,440 --> 00:54:40,120 If you're not, it's a freaking nightmare. 990 00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:43,320 But luck. Luckily I'm into the wine so 991 00:54:43,320 --> 00:54:46,240 it's nice. Well, the the the book I want to 992 00:54:46,240 --> 00:54:49,280 I want to make sure we we exclamation point the book, a 993 00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:52,520 cup of tea on the commode. What's the best way for people 994 00:54:52,520 --> 00:54:54,000 to buy? Obviously Amazon and all that's 995 00:54:54,000 --> 00:54:55,320 there. But whenever authors are on 996 00:54:55,320 --> 00:54:58,520 here, if they've got it on their own site or something like that, 997 00:54:58,520 --> 00:55:00,120 I always want to make sure I plug that. 998 00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:03,000 Not saying that Amazon's a bad thing, but I just feel that 999 00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:07,480 creators many times sometimes don't get what they're, they're 1000 00:55:07,480 --> 00:55:08,880 just desserts sometimes from that. 1001 00:55:08,880 --> 00:55:12,160 So I've if if people want to buy a cup of tea on the commode, 1002 00:55:12,280 --> 00:55:14,760 where's the best place that you would like to send them? 1003 00:55:15,080 --> 00:55:18,200 Well, again, it it would be Amazon or Barnes and Noble, any, 1004 00:55:18,240 --> 00:55:21,480 any online site or if they go to the, if they Google a cup of tea 1005 00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:25,680 and the commode were everywhere. I mean, the website also has a 1006 00:55:26,080 --> 00:55:29,840 purchase button which will give them lots of options because the 1007 00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:32,400 publisher and our distributor has this all over the world, 1008 00:55:32,400 --> 00:55:35,800 which is lovely. And so if people, let's say anti 1009 00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:39,600 Amazon, there's plenty of other places and it comes an e-book, 1010 00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:42,640 audio book, a large print and also the paperback. 1011 00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:45,440 And and you read the audio book, you finally got it. 1012 00:55:45,440 --> 00:55:47,520 You got it out there and you. Read it, got it together. 1013 00:55:47,520 --> 00:55:49,360 Yeah. Well, that's great, I think. 1014 00:55:49,400 --> 00:55:50,880 No, it's the way it should be. It's the way it should be 1015 00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:52,680 because it comes from, Oh yeah, it's from you, right. 1016 00:55:52,680 --> 00:55:55,520 Like like Steve Martin, you know, he did the audio book for 1017 00:55:55,520 --> 00:55:59,120 Bourne standing up and it's, it's, it's so it's, it's better 1018 00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:01,880 when if it's autobiographical, that the person reads it. 1019 00:56:01,880 --> 00:56:04,520 So I'm glad that you were able to, to get it together so you 1020 00:56:04,520 --> 00:56:06,200 could do that. That's a that's a beautiful 1021 00:56:06,200 --> 00:56:08,440 thing. You know, that's, I think 1022 00:56:08,440 --> 00:56:10,400 that's, it's one of the best ways to consume it because 1023 00:56:11,040 --> 00:56:14,800 you're hearing it directly from your mother, your words, it's 1024 00:56:14,840 --> 00:56:16,600 coming from you. And, and, and that's such a 1025 00:56:16,600 --> 00:56:20,600 personal, personal thing. I can't thank you enough, Mark 1026 00:56:20,600 --> 00:56:23,760 for, for, for, for documenting this. 1027 00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:28,200 I really think that what you've gone through, you've been able 1028 00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:30,640 to turn it into a, a, a, a bright light. 1029 00:56:31,120 --> 00:56:32,640 And I think that there are people who are you, you've 1030 00:56:32,640 --> 00:56:35,520 touched on how many people are being touched by the book and, 1031 00:56:35,920 --> 00:56:38,080 you know, hopefully we can further that. 1032 00:56:38,080 --> 00:56:40,520 And then there's guys that are out there that are hearing this 1033 00:56:40,520 --> 00:56:44,320 going, OK, you know what? There are ways that I can get 1034 00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:45,680 through this. I'm not alone. 1035 00:56:46,040 --> 00:56:50,080 And not only that, I can get a bit of a of a textbook as to as 1036 00:56:50,080 --> 00:56:53,160 to what to do and and and and and your story just serves as 1037 00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:55,280 such a a beautiful beacon for that. 1038 00:56:55,280 --> 00:56:57,960 So Mark, I just want to say thank you so much for taking 1039 00:56:57,960 --> 00:57:00,400 time out of your schedule to come on he cast today and tell 1040 00:57:00,400 --> 00:57:01,680 us your story. I appreciate it. 1041 00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:05,440 Well, I, I appreciate the opportunity because it, it, it 1042 00:57:05,440 --> 00:57:09,520 keeps mob in the present and and she keeps teaching, which is 1043 00:57:09,680 --> 00:57:11,480 which is lovely. So. 1044 00:57:12,080 --> 00:57:15,320 So I appreciate that. Oh, thank you so much. 1045 00:57:15,720 --> 00:57:17,720 This is why we do the show. You know, everybody's got a 1046 00:57:17,720 --> 00:57:20,760 story and and all of those stories contain some sort of 1047 00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:22,880 learning in it. Mark has done such a great job 1048 00:57:22,880 --> 00:57:25,560 of of of really putting that to the forefront. 1049 00:57:25,960 --> 00:57:27,800 If you haven't downloaded the He Changed it app, what the heck 1050 00:57:27,800 --> 00:57:29,720 are you waiting for? Go to heatchangeit.com and check 1051 00:57:29,720 --> 00:57:32,920 out what's going on. And this is just I just 1052 00:57:32,920 --> 00:57:34,240 appreciate hosting the show so much. 1053 00:57:34,240 --> 00:57:37,200 This has been another episode of he cast the official podcast of 1054 00:57:37,200 --> 00:57:39,120 He changed it. My name is Mike Chisholm. 1055 00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:40,440 Go change something.