1
00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:05,080
Welcome to He Cast, the official
podcast of He Changed it. 

2
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:07,960
As always, I am Mike Chisholm. 
As always, I am so excited to 

3
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:10,880
have conversations centered 
around the world of men's mental

4
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:14,400
Wellness in the modern age where
we are today. 

5
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,600
We're all doing our best, right?
Moving forward as best we 

6
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,440
possibly can, you know, and in 
one of the, the areas that we 

7
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:26,720
always get requests for people 
to, for, for topics to focus on,

8
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:28,680
it's around relationships. 
And I mean, I think that's 

9
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:31,200
probably no surprise for any guy
out there who's listening to 

10
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,760
this in a relationship. 
They're not always the easiest 

11
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:38,400
things in the world, are they? 
And who we have on today, She's 

12
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,800
a, she's an expert. 
She really, really is. 

13
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,600
She's been in the mental health 
space for 40 years, but for the 

14
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,400
last 15 or so, she's really been
focusing on the idea of 

15
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:51,520
relationships and love. 
Rihanna Milne is her name. 

16
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:55,680
You can look up her and her 
books, Live Beyond Your Dreams, 

17
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:59,440
Love Beyond Your Dreams at 
rihannamilne.com. 

18
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:03,560
She also has, it's crazy to say,
an AI version of what it is that

19
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,760
she does that has just been 
launched as well. 

20
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,480
We have a really good 
conversation today. 

21
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,280
It's going to be the first of, 
of, of of many, I'm certain, 

22
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,960
because really it gets the time 
gets slippery when we do these. 

23
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:20,000
But but today's conversation is 
centered around the idea of 

24
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,920
trauma that we have that we 
bring into relationships 

25
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:27,840
knowingly or unknowingly many 
times And, and what trauma is we

26
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,880
go through that. 
It's certainly a word these days

27
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,680
that has many meanings for many 
different people. 

28
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,920
We dissect all of that and 
things that may have happened 

29
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,240
when we were a kid, whether we 
were aware of it. 

30
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,960
Sometimes there's big T stuff, 
major events or not aware of it,

31
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,360
small little things, 
interactions that might happen 

32
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:47,920
or a child that we then take on 
and bring into relationships and

33
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,840
how that can cause static in 
relationships. 

34
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:51,280
We really focus on a lot of 
these things. 

35
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,440
It's a beautiful conversation. 
I really appreciate her. 

36
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,320
She's a very, very busy lady. 
I'm very grateful that she took 

37
00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:00,280
time out of her day. 
She appreciates the 'cause as to

38
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:01,840
what he changed. 
It is all about. 

39
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:06,080
So without further ado, please 
enjoy my conversation with 

40
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:18,240
Rihanna Milne. 
Rihanna, I cannot tell you how 

41
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,480
excited I am to have you on he 
cast today. 

42
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:25,240
If there's one topic that comes 
up over and over and over again,

43
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:29,440
that is many times the root of 
the other topics. 

44
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:34,320
If there was one thing that men 
go through that that that we get

45
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,800
requests for, they'd say, hey, 
can we have some, can we get 

46
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,720
some cover on this, please? 
Can we get some resources? 

47
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:41,080
Can we get some help, some 
ideas, some it's it's 

48
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:44,640
relationships and and to have 
you on here today, it's a real 

49
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,480
honor for me. 
I appreciate it so much. 

50
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,560
Thank you so much for taking 
time out of your insanely busy 

51
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,320
schedule. 
Come on, he cast today. 

52
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,360
Of course, I'm really happy to 
be here. 

53
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:56,080
I work with a lot of men. 
I have for over 40 years and 

54
00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:00,720
really love helping them because
the progression of once they 

55
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,280
understand what childhood trauma
is and then how it's showing up 

56
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,960
in their adult life, it's just 
like the lights go off and we 

57
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,560
can change everything. 
So giving them that extra 

58
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:15,360
confidence, that ability to 
communicate, to feel safe, to 

59
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,400
share their emotions, it's 
wonderful work. 

60
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,960
I really enjoy working with my 
male clients. 

61
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,720
I'm really glad to hear that. 
You know, you brought up the 

62
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,080
word already trauma. 
And, and I mean, if, if there's,

63
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:32,040
if there's a word that in our 
time and place in 2026 that is 

64
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,960
loaded, if there's a loaded word
out there, it's probably the 

65
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,680
word trauma. 
And I, the way that I always 

66
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,920
look at it is, is, is trauma 
with a big T, trauma with a 

67
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,960
little T. 
And, and, and I'm, I'm, I'm 

68
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:45,560
excited to unpack this with you 
a little bit because really at 

69
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,360
the end of the day, there are a 
lot of relationships out there 

70
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,760
where there are people who are 
just not, they're missing 

71
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,960
connections with each other. 
And it's not even necessarily 

72
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,160
their fault of what's going on 
in the present moment. 

73
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,160
It's because of patterns that 
have developed from a long time 

74
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,400
ago, perhaps from an epic event 
like trauma. 

75
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,600
Could you describe in your 
opinion, your, your take on 

76
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,800
trauma and, and maybe perhaps 
what it used to mean, what it 

77
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,760
means now? 
You 40 years is a long time to 

78
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,440
understand the evolution of that
word in our society. 

79
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,519
Well, it's really interesting. 
I went for triple master's in 

80
00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:20,959
psychology and graduated year 
2000. 

81
00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:23,960
So I've been a licensed mental 
health counselor for 26 years. 

82
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:28,760
Then I became a certified coach 
for singles and couples in 2009 

83
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,720
and 10. 
So I've been doing that eleven 

84
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:35,680
years. 
But I had a couple of traumatic 

85
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:40,560
relationships myself and I had a
question, why am I attracting 

86
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:44,360
people that hurt me? 
Like I'm a nice lady, I'm smart,

87
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,760
I'm a great mom, I'm successful 
in business. 

88
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,480
Why am I successful in business 
but struggle and love? 

89
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:53,800
And I went to seven therapist 
friends when I had a toxic 

90
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:59,080
partner, and they were all 
surprised by his action. 

91
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,800
He had a secret life and it 
shocked me. 

92
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,520
And it was very devastating. 
And nobody had the answers. 

93
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,760
And I'm like, well, what is it 
that he has? 

94
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,080
So the word childhood trauma did
not even exist. 

95
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,760
So I went into the psychological
libraries and did a whole lot of

96
00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:18,040
research to help myself. 
And then I came up with the 

97
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,000
slogan, you can't change what 
you don't know or understand 

98
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,440
because I didn't understand it. 
So how could I change it? 

99
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,120
How could I pick a better 
partner if I didn't know what I 

100
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:29,280
was doing wrong? 
So I've been in the shoes of all

101
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,560
my clients. 
I get where they they've come 

102
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,920
from. 
So it was interesting. 

103
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:37,480
I started talking about 
childhood trauma by developing 

104
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:41,200
the childhood trauma checklist, 
which we'll do today, which is 

105
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,160
10 items, very simple to 
understand. 

106
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,960
My clients can look at this and 
say yes or no, very simply if 

107
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,200
they had these situations happen
to them or not. 

108
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:54,040
And I started talking about that
because it came out in 2012, the

109
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:57,120
list. 
And in 2015, a fellow 

110
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,800
psychologist said to me, you're 
making this up. 

111
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:04,400
This is not in the DSM 4, which 
is our psychological manual, and

112
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,240
it doesn't exist. 
You're making it up. 

113
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,400
I'm like, I swear to God, I'm 
not making it up. 

114
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,360
So I was a rebel. 
I started talking about this in 

115
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,200
2015, childhood trauma. 
And it's interesting now how 

116
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,480
it's such a buzzword. 
I'm like, it really is at that 

117
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,720
education to get out there. 
So I've been on podcasts since 

118
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,960
2015 talking about this and 
trying to educate because it was

119
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,280
such a a HA moment. 
And my number 1 bestseller, Love

120
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,520
Beyond Your Dreams is based on 
the research that I found. 

121
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,200
I got up to 400 pages. 
I'm like, Oh my God, I have to 

122
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,280
stop. 
And then I started creating 

123
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,560
notebooks for my clients. 
So for my couples, I have 

124
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,760
relationship rescue, for the 
singles I have dating to mating.

125
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:46,400
So it all, it's all research 
based education, what I teach. 

126
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:53,520
And then in 20, I think 16 or 
17, I saw another chart that had

127
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:57,920
come out from Kaiser Permanente 
called the ACE test. 

128
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,880
And I said, how could they miss 
abandonment? 

129
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,400
How could they miss bullying? 
How could they miss my kids that

130
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:07,720
were in foster care? 
Because my list came from all my

131
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:11,000
work experience as a therapist. 
I worked in a mental health unit

132
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:15,320
for kids 5 through 19. 
I were and they were critically,

133
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,520
mentally upset, right? 
Emotionally upset kids. 

134
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,720
I worked in the schools from 
kindergarten all the way through

135
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:24,440
college as what's called a 
student assistance counselor, 

136
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,560
helping the emotionally upset 
student. 

137
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,040
I worked in my own private 
practice called Therapy by the 

138
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:35,400
Sea, which I still have. 
And I worked with women and 

139
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:40,440
women and teens, two different 
drug and alcohol rehab centers, 

140
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,440
'cause I'm a drug and alcohol 
counselor too. 

141
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,640
So how did they develop this 
addiction? 

142
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,120
So the addiction studies goes 
back to original childhood 

143
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,600
trauma. 
And many of these women were 

144
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:54,360
from the prison system. 
So I had found no matter their 

145
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:58,160
age, their race, the culture, 
their upbringing, these top 10 

146
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:01,680
traumas kept showing up. 
So as I was doing the research, 

147
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,560
I created the checklist for my 
own clients, like, oh, this 

148
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:07,880
makes it so easy to see what 
went on in my life. 

149
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,760
And I said, now let's talk about
how it's showing up for you 

150
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:14,520
today as an adult. 
So, so, so the thing that the 

151
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,120
thing that you talked about, you
can't change what you don't 

152
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,360
understand. 
What a, what a, what an aha 

153
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,480
like, like for people who are 
listening to this and maybe 

154
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,000
you're not in the place that you
want to be, right? 

155
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,800
The idea that you can't change 
what you don't understand. 

156
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,400
Here's a question for you. 
How well do you understand where

157
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,799
you're at? 
And, and, and, and really at the

158
00:08:34,799 --> 00:08:36,400
end of the day, this 
introspection is the type of 

159
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,080
thing that we talked about on, 
on, on he cast all the time 

160
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,280
this, you know, allowing people 
the opportunity to potentially 

161
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,480
wake up and ask questions 
exactly like that. 

162
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:46,960
You know, if I don't understand 
it, well, how can I change it? 

163
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,600
That is even. 
Know it even know about it 

164
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,560
because I don't know about 
childhood trauma. 

165
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,880
And I'm like, childhood trauma. 
My childhood was normal. 

166
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,360
That's what all my clients 
initially say to me. 

167
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,280
And then I'm like, well, no, I 
have that one and I have that 

168
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,240
one. 
It's like, oh, because my dad 

169
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,720
wasn't home much. 
That's an abandonment issue for 

170
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,640
me. 
So, you know, there's, it's very

171
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:09,520
interesting to know what they 
are, then understand them 

172
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,040
deeper. 
And childhood trauma goes 

173
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,680
through at least three 
generations. 

174
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,680
So what did you have? 
And mom and dad and their 

175
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,920
parents. 
So we have to look through the 

176
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:23,520
whole family system to dissect 
that and and it helps for 

177
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,240
forgiveness and understanding 
and that's part of the healing 

178
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,800
process. 
OK, so I mean like here, let's 

179
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,080
talk about like that T word that
that word trauma. 

180
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,000
I think that it's a very 
misunderstood word. 

181
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,440
Like I said, I I I would go so 
far as to say it's Co opted in 

182
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,000
our society. 
When I hear somebody saying that

183
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,800
they were traumatized because 
somebody put said mark instead 

184
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,000
of Mike on their Starbucks cup. 
I'm sorry, it's just not, that's

185
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,400
not trauma, but but at the end 
of the day, though, I also don't

186
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,680
want to throw the baby out with 
the bathwater and minimize 

187
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:56,200
because you can't judge trauma. 
You know what somebody's trauma 

188
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:57,480
is. 
It doesn't matter where they 

189
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,280
came from. 
If somebody said the wrong thing

190
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,280
at the right time when we're 
young, that could be something 

191
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,240
that imprints and, and, and 
could be that word. 

192
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,080
So could you describe in your 
mind what what what trauma 

193
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,720
actually is and perhaps maybe 
what it is? 

194
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,880
Actually, like you had said it a
few minutes earlier, you said, 

195
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,400
well, what's big T trauma and 
little T trauma? 

196
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,240
And that's actually 2 terms that
I want to discuss. 

197
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,920
So a big T trauma is what most 
people would think trauma is. 

198
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:25,560
Being in a car accident and 
losing your best friend, losing 

199
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:29,720
your team, having a rape or 
molestation as a young child or 

200
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,960
a teenager. 
That's a big T trauma. 

201
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:35,320
Everyone gets that. 
The Little T traumas are more 

202
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:40,120
ongoing, everyday things that 
happen that young children just 

203
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:43,480
use to learn to adapt to in 
different ways. 

204
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:48,120
And we'll go through the list 
and you'll see the difference 

205
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,080
between Big T and Little T 
trauma as I go through them. 

206
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,400
OK, and I'm grateful that you 
said it like that because I 

207
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:59,680
think a lot of men out there 
certainly the stigma that that 

208
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:03,280
that that we have been, you 
know, handed down in this time 

209
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,520
and place in society many times 
is to look at what you were 

210
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,680
talking about Your your the best
friend dying in the car 

211
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,200
accident. 
Well, that didn't happen to me. 

212
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:11,720
I didn't have anything like that
happens. 

213
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,960
Therefore I everything else must
just be something that I can 

214
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,320
just, you know, put on my 
shoulders and carry on with. 

215
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,640
When really at the end of the 
day, you get to a place where 

216
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,800
you can only walk for so long 
with that stuff. 

217
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,880
And and then it has to be 
reckoned with and it and getting

218
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,960
to a place where we can actually
understand know that it's there.

219
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,160
First off, identify it and then 
understand it's there. 

220
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,600
It sounds like that's exactly 
what what you try and get people

221
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,240
to do is that is that do you 
find that with men? 

222
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:38,680
Is it? 
Yeah. 

223
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,760
Together as a team. 
That's why why I love coaching 

224
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:46,200
versus counseling because 
coaching is highly educational 

225
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:51,000
and we work as a team. 
So what we do is bibliotherapy 

226
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,400
with their notebook. 
It's like 150 pages. 

227
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:57,080
They fill out very simple forms.
From what they tell me, I know 

228
00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,880
what I have to teach them. 
So it's all personalized and 

229
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:04,200
interactive, but we work 
together and I describe it like 

230
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,320
a rainbow. 
You're starting at I don't know,

231
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,800
I don't know about this and I 
don't understand it. 

232
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,760
So then I have to start 
educating, right? 

233
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,280
So as they're learning, they're 
changing things and they're 

234
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:18,080
learning the trauma recovery and
the mindset tools to feel 

235
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,680
better. 
Even holistic remedies for 

236
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:25,200
Wellness, vitamins, meditation, 
the spirituality. 

237
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,320
There's a lot of different 
things that I teach to help heal

238
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,600
as they're learning more, right?
So they're learning, learning, 

239
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,960
learning, and then they're 
starting to see change because 

240
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,640
they're doing these new goals 
and learning these new 

241
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,560
techniques and they feel better 
about themselves. 

242
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,120
And it's doesn't happen. 
I mean, it happens pretty 

243
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,960
quickly. 
The initial changes. 

244
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,920
Some people say within 8 days to
two weeks they're starting to 

245
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,680
feel better. 
People at work say you're 

246
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:53,800
smiling more, you've got more 
energy, what are you doing? 

247
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:58,760
You look better and by the end 
they're actually in that pot of 

248
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,840
gold where they just feel so 
amazing about themselves. 

249
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,200
The personal transformation is 
so huge. 

250
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:09,040
Then they look back and the last
exercises we look back to Module

251
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,400
2 and this is where you are 
judging your life wheel. 

252
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,360
Where are you with your 
friendships? 

253
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,560
How many friends do you have? 
How are you with your finances? 

254
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,760
How are you spiritually? 
How are you with a partner, if 

255
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:23,360
you have one, or your confidence
in dating? 

256
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:26,680
So we look at all of that, the 
whole life interaction. 

257
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,320
What are their goals and dreams?
When they're over here at the 

258
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,320
end, they're like, Oh my God, 
these are all now 90 to 100%. 

259
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:36,800
They were like 10 to 25% in the 
beginning. 

260
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:41,320
So we do a lot of work together,
but it's fun and it's exciting 

261
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,440
because they feel so much better
as we get started with the 

262
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,880
transformation. 
So it's really great work. 

263
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,800
Jump jumps like that. 
I mean, like it just shows the 

264
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,320
power of awareness and 
mindfulness. 

265
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,720
And when you combine those two 
things together, how, how, how 

266
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,880
quickly things can change for 
people. 

267
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,480
You know, you brought up the 
idea that there there's going to

268
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,560
be guys who are listening to 
this right now, you know, talk 

269
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,800
about the idea of being with 
someone who is toxic. 

270
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,080
OK, fair enough. 
There are guys who are listening

271
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:11,520
to this that might be the toxic 
person and they don't even know.

272
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,880
There's also a combination like 
when you talk about a 

273
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:17,000
relationship and when you talk 
about these events that happened

274
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,160
in childhood that may just be 
subtle, really, really subtle. 

275
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,040
And there is no awareness 
whatsoever, doesn't even know, 

276
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:26,400
you know, and and you help 
obviously to mine these things 

277
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,200
out. 
It feels like, like when you, 

278
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,800
when you, when you put it in 
that perspective, if all of us 

279
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:35,840
who are in a relationship, we 
bring that stuff with us, They 

280
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,640
bring that stuff with them. 
And now boy, oh boy, you mix 

281
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,560
this stuff and that's where the 
fireworks can show up. 

282
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,680
And, and, but there are guys who
are who are listening to this, 

283
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,800
that that might be the toxic 
person in their relationship 

284
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,800
without even knowing that. 
Do you ever? 

285
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,320
Find them deep down when they 
come to me. 

286
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,560
Rihanna. 
I haven't been successful in my 

287
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:59,200
relationships or the girls keep 
breaking up with me or I know 

288
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:03,800
I'm lying to her, but I want 
that, you know, or I'm addicted 

289
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:08,400
to porn and I hide it, you know,
And if she knew, she would break

290
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,120
up with me. 
So there's The Secret Life part 

291
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:15,680
of it or impulse. 
And you know, it's funny. 

292
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:19,400
After I wrote Love Beyond Your 
Dreams, I sent the sample copy 

293
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,480
to my ex. 
And it goes, oh, my God, I 

294
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,800
finally know what was wrong with
me. 

295
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,240
Thank you for writing this book.
And it's 400 pages. 

296
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,160
It's called the Guidebook to 
Love on Amazon. 

297
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,360
And I didn't know what was wrong
with him. 

298
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,640
And that was what sought my 
journey. 

299
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,880
And he had nine out of the 10 
top traumas. 

300
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:43,440
So that also made me give some 
compassion and forgiveness and 

301
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,800
understanding to he was really 
hurting emotionally. 

302
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,640
And he acted out in these 
certain ways to, for a Band-Aid 

303
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,080
or to feel happy or to feel 
good. 

304
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,760
And he learned, Oh my God, I 
know what's wrong with me now, 

305
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,040
you know, and I can fix this. 
Of course, I didn't work with 

306
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,040
him after that point. 
I said, well, find yourself a 

307
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,560
certified clinical trauma 
professional and, and get 

308
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:11,120
started and you know, for your 
healing journey. 

309
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:15,680
But it really did help my 
journey in that research to be 

310
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,080
able to forgive him, knowing 
from the childhood traumas he 

311
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,360
grew up with. 
So again, to put it, to put it, 

312
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,360
you know, the, the, the idea of 
the listener out here who might 

313
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,400
be an X to somebody. 
What a beautiful experience for 

314
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:32,520
you to have that kind of, if you
want to call it closure or, or 

315
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:36,160
at least at least you know, a, a
little bit of, of, of repair 

316
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,560
acknowledgement between the two 
of you. 

317
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,160
Because then both of you can 
take that repair and you can 

318
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,240
take the healing from that and 
move it into wherever your life 

319
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,240
goes next time. 
There's a lot of guys right now 

320
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,560
who might be thinking, OK, I 
wanna hear some of this stuff. 

321
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,240
So, so, so you say talk about 
some of these top traumas I with

322
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,760
men. 
And specifically, are there one 

323
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,440
or two or three on that list 
that kind of bubble up to the 

324
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:01,080
surface a little bit more than 
other ones or is it across the 

325
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,400
board? 
Yes, as I go through them, I 

326
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:07,960
will state the ones that I think
men are mostly impacted by, but 

327
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,280
the interesting thing about the 
childhood trauma checklist, and 

328
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,680
people can get that on my 
website for free at 

329
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,720
rihannamilne.com if you can't 
write them down right now. 

330
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:21,000
So help yourself to that. 
But it, like I said, it's across

331
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:27,000
cultures, It's works with 
straight or LGBTQ individuals, 

332
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:31,960
younger, older men, women, it 
doesn't matter. 

333
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:36,240
It, it's, it was kind of blew my
mind that this list, the generic

334
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,640
list, there's no prejudice on 
it. 

335
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:43,760
It impacts all of us. 
So I'll start with #1 which is 

336
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,000
growing up with any addiction in
the family. 

337
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,560
And most people in the ACE test 
just only said drugs and 

338
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,640
alcohol. 
Well, I'm a drug and alcohol 

339
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:55,840
addictions counselor, so I have 
12 OK addictions that could 

340
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,880
impact you as a child if they 
existed in your primary family. 

341
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:04,000
So it's drugs, alcohol, sex, 
meaning you knew your parent was

342
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,320
a cheater and you kept the 
secret. 

343
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:14,680
Porn use, gambling, hoarding, 
spending, eating, gaming, TV 

344
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:18,400
watching, social media addiction
and workaholism. 

345
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,160
So if the parent is more 
involved in one of those 

346
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,160
addictions and the child's just 
kind of off to the side while 

347
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,800
they're on their phone 
constantly or on the computer, 

348
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,880
or you know, the, the, the 
father that might be working all

349
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,840
day, come home, eat dinner, then
go into his office and just kind

350
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:38,720
of ignore the child. 
These are samples of those types

351
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,760
of addiction, gaming addiction. 
I've had 1415 year olds with 

352
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,760
gaming addiction that were 
skipping school and cursing out 

353
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,440
their parents, refusing to eat 
to be on their games. 

354
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,640
So these kind of addictions do 
impact the family and if you've 

355
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:56,360
noticed any of those in your 
current family or past family, 

356
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,880
it's something to look at. 
OK, there you go. 

357
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,880
The second one, which I think is
one of the most impactful for 

358
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,000
everyone, men included, is 
verbal messaging. 

359
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,160
That's trauma too. 
So did you hear the words? 

360
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:12,080
I love you, I'm proud of you. 
Great job, kiddo. 

361
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,920
You know things that are 
accolades that made you feel 

362
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:19,000
good about yourself. 
Or was there messages of put 

363
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,600
down like I'm not sending you to
college, you're not smart 

364
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,240
enough. 
Why should I waste my money? 

365
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:28,840
Like that's a verbal put down or
you know, the the parent on the 

366
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:33,840
side, the football stadium 
screaming at his kid, you're a 

367
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,400
moron. 
Get the ball. 

368
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:39,960
You know these parent coaches, 
you know, that are constantly 

369
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,880
yelling at their kids really bad
stuff. 

370
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,720
You're implanting these messages
constantly over and over to the 

371
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:49,240
point where your child's afraid 
of you or they don't even want 

372
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:53,280
to play the sport or you know, 
it's they're performing for 

373
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,040
their father or just to get some
love and accolades. 

374
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,520
So this is verbal messaging is 
huge. 

375
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,000
I was going to ask you about 
that. 

376
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,680
I'm glad you. 
I'm glad you you mentioned it 

377
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,320
that way because earning like 
you think, OK, well, no, I was, 

378
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:08,720
I was brought up in a house 
where they told me they love me 

379
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,200
all the time and I felt I felt 
all that. 

380
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,640
But was it unconditional? 
Well, no. 

381
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,360
Many times I had to go and I had
to earn that in some way, shape 

382
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:18,520
or form. 
The only time I got that 

383
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:19,800
positive messaging was when I 
earned it. 

384
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,280
So I I love that you made that 
distinction because people who 

385
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:27,000
grew up in that, is it possible 
that maybe. 

386
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,720
I exhibit that with the people 
that are around me now because 

387
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,480
that's what IA monkey see monkey
do. 

388
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:36,000
Like, you know, it's called 
normalization of the behavior 

389
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,080
you normalize. 
My dad did it and I turned out 

390
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:42,200
to be a good football hero. 
So I'm going to do it for my kid

391
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,600
that way. 
And then you're kind of like 

392
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:48,000
buried down, you know, the 
messages that weren't very 

393
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,360
positive. 
And it's funny, it's different 

394
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,640
generations too. 
Like I'm part of the baby boomer

395
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,440
generation and I was on the 
beach with 9 of my cohorts and I

396
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,080
told them I said, you know, did 
you hear the words I love you? 

397
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,680
And everyone's like no. 
And I said I didn't either. 

398
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,400
And I finally asked my mother. 
I was fourth out of five kids 

399
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,320
and I was pregnant with her 
first grandchild. 

400
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,440
And I asked her, I was like, 
mom, why don't you ever tell us 

401
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,280
kids that you love us? 
Well, you know I do. 

402
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,040
It's a response back. 
And I said, well of course we 

403
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,200
know you do mom, you do all 
these things for us. 

404
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,240
But why don't you say the word? 
She goes, well, those aren't 

405
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,800
words I ever heard. 
I grew up in the Great 

406
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,400
Depression. 
My parents didn't tell me that 

407
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,640
if we had food on the table, 
that was love. 

408
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:34,400
So now people that are like my 
daughter's ages, which are in 

409
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:38,080
their 40s, they got a lot of 
love and a lot of hugs because 

410
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,200
we didn't hear it. 
So it's like, well, I'm when I'm

411
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,160
a parent, I'm going to overload 
that, you know? 

412
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,880
So it's different generations 
have different emotional 

413
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:50,160
responses to these verbal 
messages as well. 

414
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,280
So I think that's an interesting
part. 

415
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,400
Absolutely. 
I'm glad you, I'm glad you 

416
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,480
talked about that because again,
I, I, I feel like, like I look 

417
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,200
at my father and he had the 
issues that he had. 

418
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,040
We just lost him last year and, 
and, and, and he grew up in 

419
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:07,000
horror, absolute horror. 
He had to, he end up, ended up 

420
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,280
leaving the house and living as 
a man when he was 15 years old. 

421
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:11,960
And, and that's what he ended up
having to do. 

422
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,400
And it's funny because, you 
know, we grew up in a household 

423
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,680
with anger, lots of it. 
And, and, and, but I'll tell you

424
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:22,320
this, he grew up like, I believe
that every generation, whether 

425
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,840
it's consciously or 
subconsciously, tries to patch a

426
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,040
hole in the bottom of the boat. 
I didn't. 

427
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:30,040
I didn't know alcohol in my 
house. 

428
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,600
There was no alcohol, not a drop
of alcohol in my house. 

429
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,880
The first time I ever saw a 
house with alcohol was when I 

430
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,120
went for a sleepover when I was 
about 10 years old and I saw it 

431
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:40,680
in somebody else's house. 
Why was that the case? 

432
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,240
My dad said I will never live in
a house with my family, will 

433
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,360
never have alcohol. 
So while of course he had 

434
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:51,560
shortcomings, there were things 
that he tried to bottom holes in

435
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,280
the bottom of the boat that he 
tried to patch. 

436
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,240
And I think a lot of us do that.
Alcoholic. 

437
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,080
That's Oh yeah. 
The horror that he grew up in 

438
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,040
was very much centered around 
alcohol and, and, and, and 

439
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,360
things like that. 
And so, so, so yeah. 

440
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:07,440
But not saying he was perfect, 
but that was the thing that he 

441
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:11,680
tried to to solve. 
We love to like my granddaughter

442
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:13,520
again. 
I'm all over her. 

443
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:17,240
Like she, she will never, ever, 
ever not know that I love that 

444
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,040
her paw loves her, right. 
But what are the blind spots 

445
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,320
that I still have? 
And I think that these are 

446
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,080
really good questions. 
Your father is what we call 

447
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,080
ACOA, adult child of an 
alcoholic. 

448
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,600
And I also say N ever trauma 
'cause once you know the 10 

449
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:35,160
traumas, you'll know. 
But that test is also free on 

450
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,520
rihannamilne.com. 
So if anyone else similar to you

451
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:43,160
had a, a father or parent that 
was a child of an alcoholic, 

452
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,720
there's the three generations 
right there impacting you. 

453
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:50,680
So they may not have the alcohol
in the home, but the problem is 

454
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,200
they still have the anger that 
was never healed. 

455
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,080
So this comes out in verbal 
messaging as well. 

456
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:58,960
And they're fighting between mom
and dad, right? 

457
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,440
Because their trauma was never 
healed. 

458
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:07,000
So it is passed down until you 
finally learn this education and

459
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,040
then you know, you work with it 
with your partner, and then you 

460
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:11,920
raise your children totally 
differently. 

461
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,920
Yeah, I appreciate this so much.
This is so great. 

462
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,680
What's the third one? 
I love seeing them brought up 

463
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:23,400
with this very emotional loving 
home because my girls understand

464
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,400
this work, so it's really 
awesome. 

465
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,640
OK, so the third one is any 
emotional abuse or neglect. 

466
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:33,600
So we mostly understand what 
that is, but the a lot of 

467
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,840
reports also came out for the 
single working mom in the 70s 

468
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:40,120
when we married. 
There was a lot of divorces 

469
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,240
after because the women were 
expected to. 

470
00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:44,000
I mean, there was even a 
commercial on it. 

471
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,560
Anjali. 
I can, you know, bring home the 

472
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:50,160
bake and fry it up in a pan and 
always prove that you're a man 

473
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,600
'cause I'm an Anjali woman. 
I don't know if you remember 

474
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,520
that commercial. 
I I Yes I do. 

475
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,800
Do it all or you're less than a 
woman, was the message. 

476
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:01,080
And eventually we're like, screw
this, we're out of here. 

477
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,840
You know, we need a partner 
who's a teammate. 

478
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:09,200
So there was a lot of divorce 
for your generation. 

479
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,720
You're a little bit older than 
my daughter, my 2 girls. 

480
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,560
But you know, they went through 
the divorce, of course. 

481
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,120
So but they were saying the 
working mom, that was the 

482
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,960
collecting their kids because 
they were latchkey kids. 

483
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,360
There wasn't cell phones back 
then. 

484
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:26,800
You know, there's only house 
phones and no baby cameras where

485
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,080
you could say, OK, my daughter's
home safely or ring, you know, 

486
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,720
none of those devices that gave 
them that security, my 

487
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,600
daughter's home and everything's
OK. 

488
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,200
But we had to work to support 
the family. 

489
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,520
So the childhood trauma is 
understanding them is not about 

490
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,240
blaming the parent. 
You know, most of them did the 

491
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,640
best they knew how. 
And the single mom was, well, we

492
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,440
have to work to support our 
kids. 

493
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:53,306
And I had found a lot of the 
millennial men like my son in 

494
00:25:53,307 --> 00:25:58,480
law's had a lot of love and 
dedication to their moms because

495
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:02,120
they saw how difficult it was 
for her to hold that together 

496
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:05,920
and still give them love. 
And if she could give herself 

497
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:10,000
some self love, you know, it was
a difficult time. 

498
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,200
So but that fell under some 
neglect. 

499
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,120
You know, if the mom had to work
all the time, she was out of the

500
00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:19,120
house. 
It's very interesting that I 

501
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,720
find it very interesting that 
emotional abuse and neglect are 

502
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,440
in the same category because 
you'd think that they're two 

503
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,480
different behaviors, but at the 
end of the day, the net result, 

504
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:31,000
it results in a similar trauma 
or trauma response. 

505
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:35,000
So everything Mike is A1 to A10 
level 10 is the worst. 

506
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:37,920
One at one or two is OK. 
She had to work. 

507
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:41,040
But I understood that we worked 
through it and yeah, I didn't 

508
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,120
really like being home alone. 
I was aware. 

509
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:45,240
I was aware. 
I had awareness of the of, of 

510
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:46,400
things because we have 
awareness. 

511
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,400
Again, it kind of takes the 
pressure out of the balloon, 

512
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,560
right? 
Yeah, yeah, that's the mystery, 

513
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,280
OK #4 and this is inside or 
outside of the home. 

514
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:57,480
Any of these traumas, you could 
have a perfect home life but not

515
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:01,240
at school or something happened 
to you in the community would be

516
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:06,200
rape, molestation or physical 
abuse actually being hit. 

517
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,920
You know, working in the 
schools, I was the one that had 

518
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:12,000
a call DYFUS in New Jersey, the 
Division of Youth and Family 

519
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:15,880
Services, if my students said 
they were being hit by switches,

520
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:19,200
which is a tree branch or an 
electrical cord. 

521
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:23,160
I even had a young boy raised by
the grandmother because the 

522
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:27,120
mother was a drug addicted. 
The father was just gone and she

523
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,240
hit him with metal trucks on his
genitals, you know. 

524
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:34,280
So, you know, the things that 
you hear and see as a trauma 

525
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:38,720
counts are quite sad. 
So you know, it's, it's the 

526
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:43,360
degrees of 12:50. 
You can see why there, there's 

527
00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:45,640
so much. 
And one of the statistics too 

528
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:50,000
was for men and boys. 
Unfortunately, 4 out of six were

529
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,920
molested or touched and usually 
by someone they knew. 

530
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:57,360
So I work with a lot of men 
around that, that they, they 

531
00:27:57,360 --> 00:28:00,000
feel shamed or they would never 
tell anybody. 

532
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:04,160
I've had men that ate so much 
food to just like not be 

533
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,040
desirable. 
So they didn't have to be 

534
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:11,640
touched, you know, So the impact
on your mental health goes very 

535
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,680
deep when, when these things are
a part of your life. 

536
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,880
And those would be a big T 
trauma, of course, and one 

537
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:20,960
that's a big T trauma for men. 
OK. 

538
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,200
Yeah, absolutely. 
Women as well, but men also. 

539
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:27,240
You mentioned the shame earlier.
I, I, I want to, I, you know, I 

540
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,200
think it's really important to 
kind of throw out there. 

541
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,360
There are a lot of guys who hide
things because of, of the idea 

542
00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:36,080
of shame and they might not even
realize that that's what it is 

543
00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:37,720
as well. 
And, and, and I think that 

544
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:39,400
that's, I, I'm grateful that you
mentioned that. 

545
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:40,960
I just want to put an 
exclamation point on that 

546
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:44,960
because you know, really at the 
end of the day, when the 

547
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:49,040
flashlight shines on things, 
it's not, I'm not saying it's 

548
00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,440
not as hard, it's not hard. 
But at the end of the day, many 

549
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:56,880
times it's much easier then 
carrying the weight of the shame

550
00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:59,280
that is unknown. 
The known is many times easier 

551
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,640
than the unknown. 
Again, you know. 

552
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:05,680
Getting it out there and sharing
the secret and that, that helps 

553
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:08,080
take away the shame. 
And it's like, you know, there's

554
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:11,840
nothing I haven't heard yet from
any of my clients in all these 

555
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:15,080
years I've been working with men
and women and couples. 

556
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:18,080
So, you know, they know I'm 
there. 

557
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:20,760
I'm on their side. 
It's like, you know, I give them

558
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:25,400
the compassion and the space to 
grieve that innocence that was 

559
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:29,080
lost, right? 
But they do understand that 

560
00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:31,000
childhood trauma is not their 
fault. 

561
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:35,120
They didn't 'cause this, you 
know, they were just a victim in

562
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:37,600
this household that that's all 
they knew. 

563
00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:40,680
So that's why I say just 
covering it up or having a 

564
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,800
secret about it or it's my 
uncle. 

565
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,640
He's touching me because he 
loves me, you know, and this is 

566
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:50,160
what he's saying he's doing, you
know, and rewriting that story. 

567
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:54,880
So as a child, you can accept it
and just keep on with a somewhat

568
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:56,720
normal life, Right. 
So. 

569
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,440
Yeah. 
I'm glad you mentioned that 

570
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:01,200
though, because there's a lot of
shame out there. 

571
00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:04,000
And it's, I don't want to say 
it's, I don't want to minimize 

572
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:06,240
it, but I do want to say there's
a lot of needless shame out 

573
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,000
there. 
And the needlessness is because 

574
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,160
of, you know, this, this, this 
ego or stigma or, or, or 

575
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:13,360
whatever it might be. 
And again, we're, we're 

576
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,040
generalizing here. 
There's a lot of different stuff

577
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:17,400
that's out there. 
Obviously, you know, for, for, 

578
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,360
for, for guys who might be, if 
any, if any of this is touching 

579
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:24,920
a nerve of any sort, you know, 
go out and find out what it 

580
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,960
might be from somebody who, who,
who can help you with that. 

581
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:29,360
But but if we're, if we're, I 
think. 

582
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:32,640
It helps to normalize it a 
little bit, like 4 out of 6 boys

583
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:38,360
were touched inappropriately. 
And, you know, just that. 

584
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:41,640
It's the stigma of, you know, 
this happens more than you 

585
00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:45,080
realize, you know. 
And in 2021, childhood trauma 

586
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:49,600
research and other researchers 
said 100% of us have some of 

587
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:53,080
these traumas. 
So you're not different if you 

588
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:55,480
have them. 
We all have something, you know,

589
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:58,680
So it's just identifying what it
is, how it happened. 

590
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:01,000
It's like factual 
identification. 

591
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:04,760
OK, yes, this happened. 
So how is this causing me grief 

592
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:08,280
now in my adult life and then 
healing that right? 

593
00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:10,280
I'm going to get I'm going to 
get really, really, really 

594
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:11,440
vulnerable. 
I'm going to say something I've 

595
00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:13,400
never said on the podcast 
before, OK. 

596
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:15,440
And it's it's a question that's 
kind of related to this because 

597
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,680
that to my knowledge, never 
happened to me when I was a 

598
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:21,080
child. 
But I will say this, when I, I 

599
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:27,320
was in the second grade, a gal 
in my neighborhood and I, we 

600
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:31,760
played some doctor and it was, 
it was I would even now thinking

601
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:37,560
back on it, consider it to be a 
very I don't even want to if I'd

602
00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:39,360
call it a pause. 
It was a playful experience. 

603
00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:45,680
I was led into it, but it wasn't
a coercion of any sort. 

604
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:46,880
There was there was that sort of
a thing. 

605
00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:48,960
But at that point, when you talk
about the idea of innocence 

606
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:53,680
lost, can those types of events 
lead to what it is that we're 

607
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:55,480
talking about? 
Patterns that develop all the 

608
00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:57,960
way into adulthood when things 
like that happen. 

609
00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:01,320
OK, so I'm glad you mentioned 
that too, 'cause I have young 

610
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:03,200
children that have experienced 
that. 

611
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:06,880
There's a certain age where it's
just childhood curiosity. 

612
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,920
Yes, I would put this in that 
that. 

613
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:12,240
Category and nobody's hurt. 
No one's manipulated. 

614
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:16,120
Nobody is forced upon. 
Yeah, it's kind of is childhood 

615
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,480
play and curiosity. 
Of course, when the parents find

616
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,720
out, they blow it up. 
They make it a big deal. 

617
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:22,920
And it's like. 
Oh yeah. 

618
00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:25,640
It was shamed about my body. 
OK, so. 

619
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:29,000
As I was talking, I was 
realizing there's a good chance 

620
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:32,920
my mother will listen to or 
watch this show, and she does 

621
00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:35,680
not know that this is the case. 
So yes, I hear that. 

622
00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:37,280
Even at 50 years old, I hear 
that. 

623
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:38,520
Talk to me, Mike. 
It's pretty. 

624
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:40,360
There it is. 
There it is. 

625
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:44,040
Yeah, so that, but there's a 
certain age where it's not. 

626
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:48,400
So if there's a 7 year old girl 
and a 13 year old boy, he's of 

627
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:51,960
age now to know that's not 
appropriate, right, Right. 

628
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,760
So you really have to make the 
distinction when I have somebody

629
00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:58,920
in front of me, if this was 
childhood curiosity or if it's 

630
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:01,320
manipulative, right? 
So. 

631
00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:04,280
Right, and but, but does the 
childhood curiosity part still 

632
00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:07,040
leave some of the lingering 
things that can move into 

633
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,920
adulthood at that point? 
Or would you say it's they were?

634
00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:12,120
Caught and how their parents 
handled it. 

635
00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:13,600
Perhaps. 
There you go. 

636
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:14,600
There you go. 
OK. 

637
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:18,400
You shouldn't be showing your 
body to anyone and right, that's

638
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:22,360
dirty, what you're doing or you 
know, again, verbal messaging. 

639
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:26,400
And there you go. 
You're handled or do you educate

640
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:28,200
your child? 
Well, it's normal for you to be 

641
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,480
curious. 
Let's read some books about boy 

642
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:33,040
and girl bodies and why they're 
different. 

643
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,080
That's a whole different 
approach. 

644
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:40,120
Then you should be ashamed of 
yourself, right so. 100%. 

645
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:44,200
Parents need to be educated on 
what childhood trauma is and are

646
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:46,800
they raising their children in 
an emotionally healthy 

647
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:49,920
environment. 
But you're, you're, you're, 

648
00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:53,520
you're, you're certainly, 
certainly showing how I think 

649
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:56,000
you're doing a really good job 
showing how these patterns from 

650
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,920
then can then lead to, you know,
patterns through adolescence, 

651
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:01,400
patterns through young 
adulthood, patterns into when 

652
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:04,640
you get into long term 
relationships as an adult. 

653
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:06,760
And these things, we don't even 
know that they're there. 

654
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:08,960
And This is why this exploration
is so important. 

655
00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:10,560
I want to make sure we get 
through the whole list. 

656
00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:13,639
So let's let's let's keep going.
OK, one other thing about the 

657
00:34:13,679 --> 00:34:15,960
sexual, You know, some men kind 
of brag. 

658
00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:20,840
Well, I was only 10 and a 14 
year old girl came on to me and 

659
00:34:21,159 --> 00:34:26,040
wow, now you know, I'm a young 
man, you know, and they kind of 

660
00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:28,400
brag about that. 
But they're often the men that 

661
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,800
are turned on to put pornography
early. 

662
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:36,920
It's like this switch in the 
brain that goes on and you know,

663
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,880
now they're always curious. 
It's like cocaine to a young 

664
00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:43,000
person or drinking alcohol when 
you're 12. 

665
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:44,960
It's the addiction part of the 
brain. 

666
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:49,159
The earlier you start, the worse
the scenario will be as you get 

667
00:34:49,159 --> 00:34:53,199
older. 
So they kind of take it as a 

668
00:34:53,199 --> 00:34:56,199
bravado thing, but in a lot of 
ways it could be messing with 

669
00:34:56,199 --> 00:34:59,880
their relationship or they could
be hyper sexual, oversexed, 

670
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:03,320
needing sex every day. 
And if the woman doesn't give it

671
00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:06,240
to them, they're mad or they're 
upset or they brag on their 

672
00:35:06,240 --> 00:35:08,560
first or second date. 
Well, you should know I'm highly

673
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:11,400
sexual. 
I said the women, you know, run 

674
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:14,160
from that because that's 
something they haven't really 

675
00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:17,760
dealt with. 
It's more of a conquest or a a 

676
00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:21,960
bragging thing. 
So, you know, this goes very 

677
00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:23,760
deep. 
There's a ton of examples we 

678
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:26,760
could go into, but we'll move on
to the next one. 

679
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:29,720
Yeah, let's yeah, yeah, let's 
move on to the next one. 

680
00:35:29,720 --> 00:35:32,280
OK, hold on, hold on. 
Before we do for a guy who's 

681
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:34,680
listening to No, I'm just saying
it because I always try and come

682
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:36,960
from the perspective of there's 
a guy listening to this right 

683
00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:40,200
now that might be that guy. 
So the guy who hears that and 

684
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,680
has sort of a light bulb moment 
at that point, is there one or 

685
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:46,920
two things that that that that 
that you could kind of throw 

686
00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:49,440
their way like a couple little 
Nuggets there that might show 

687
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:50,680
them First off, they're not 
alone. 

688
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,280
Obviously they're not alone. 
Hey, you're not alone if this is

689
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:55,800
you right now. 
I think that's very powerful 

690
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:57,120
right there. 
But is there anything else that 

691
00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:59,240
you would throw at that? 
I have a lot of couples where 

692
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:01,680
the concern is porn addiction 
and porn use. 

693
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:07,640
And I always recommend Out of 
the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, 

694
00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:12,560
who is one of the leading mental
health practitioners on 

695
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:17,200
pornography addiction and his 
wife is Stephanie Karns and her 

696
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,800
book is called Mending A 
Shattered Heart. 

697
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:24,680
So I always recommend those two 
and I actually had a sexual 

698
00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:28,400
addiction expert on my podcast 
Lessons in Life and Love. 

699
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,840
So they can go into my Lessons 
in lifeandlove.com and and 

700
00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:38,520
listen to a deeper dive into 
that whole issue there. 

701
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:40,080
Thanks, Rihanna. 
I appreciate. 

702
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:41,600
I appreciate you doing that. 
Thank you so much. 

703
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:45,360
I just just the guy who hears 
that and says now what? 

704
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,800
I like to just provide now 
what's if we can a little bit. 

705
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:49,880
So thank you so much for that. 
What's the next one? 

706
00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:53,440
OK, so the next one, what are we
up to #5? 

707
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,840
OK, this is a big one. 
This is around abandonment. 

708
00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:59,320
So I named two types, fault and 
no fault abandonment. 

709
00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:02,800
So a no fault abandonment. 
An example, if a parent happens 

710
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:08,520
to die early, if the parent was 
deployed to war or if they had 

711
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:13,640
to travel quite a lot to support
the family because the kids 

712
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:16,040
feel, you know, I remember 
growing up that way, but we 

713
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:19,400
didn't know where my dad was. 
We later find out when we get 

714
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:21,760
letters from Ronald Reagan and 
William Casey. 

715
00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:25,760
He was FBI and CIA. 
But I remember as a kid saying, 

716
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,040
when's where's dad, When's daddy
coming home? 

717
00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:30,080
And my mom would be, well, I 
don't know where he is. 

718
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:33,840
I'm like, well, why not? 
And that was like a normal 

719
00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:36,640
question in our family, where's 
dad or when's he coming home? 

720
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:40,240
And we just didn't know. 
But that's a no fault 

721
00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:42,040
abandonment. 
That's how he supported the 

722
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,680
family. 
Then there's a fault 

723
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,160
abandonment. 
This is if you never see your 

724
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:50,240
child, if they're you were 
together and there's a divorce 

725
00:37:50,240 --> 00:37:53,720
or a breakup and then you barely
see your child or you promise to

726
00:37:53,720 --> 00:37:56,360
see your child and don't deliver
on that promise. 

727
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,960
Or you're there in the room, but
you're not interacting with the 

728
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:02,880
child. 
Now of course working in the 

729
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:07,600
schools, I have therapy with a 
lot of kids and I remember 1 

730
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:09,880
little boy saying, well I don't 
want to go to my dad's. 

731
00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:11,640
He just sits there and watches 
football. 

732
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,960
So I'm in my room just playing 
on my computer. 

733
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:17,880
Why should I even go there when 
he doesn't even talk to me? 

734
00:38:18,240 --> 00:38:22,600
Now that's false abandonment. 
He feels isolated, left alone, 

735
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:26,480
not played with, not going on an
adventure day somewhere. 

736
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:29,800
So that's one thing. 
I always work with my clients 

737
00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:31,760
when they're there. 
How is your parent child 

738
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:34,320
relationships? 
Let's fix them. 

739
00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:38,040
Let's start talking honestly 
with your kids and sharing your 

740
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,840
emotions and say, I'm proud of 
you kid and great job. 

741
00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:45,160
I saw you trying so hard out 
there, you know, and if he says,

742
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:48,240
well, I didn't get a basket and 
basketball and goes, that's OK, 

743
00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:51,720
You know, you tried your best. 
So dad's really proud of you for

744
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:53,320
that. 
You know, these kind of verbal 

745
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:57,000
messages are king, really 
important. 

746
00:38:57,720 --> 00:39:00,120
You know, you talk about 
abandonment, abandonment and 

747
00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:02,400
neglect. 
Are they, are they the same 

748
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:03,720
thing? 
Are they a little bit different 

749
00:39:03,720 --> 00:39:04,640
from each other? 
But customs? 

750
00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:07,720
Me, it's different. 
It's a it's the same category. 

751
00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:10,320
Yeah. 
And like I said, the ACE test 

752
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:12,120
didn't even have abandonment in 
there. 

753
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:15,000
And I saw so much of that 
everywhere that I was. 

754
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:16,560
I'm like, how could they miss 
abandonment? 

755
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:22,920
So you know, kids normalize more
when you know it's a no fault 

756
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:26,240
abandonment. 
Of course, like my right, I 

757
00:39:26,240 --> 00:39:29,600
would see in the schools the 
kids grades go down and then 

758
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:33,240
they're diagnosed ADHD. 
I'm like that child's not ADHD. 

759
00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:36,560
His father's over in Iraq and 
scared to death he won't come 

760
00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:41,600
home, you know, So he's coming 
in traumatized, ongoing. 

761
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:46,440
And the truth is in the body, 
when cortisol is up, memory and 

762
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:49,680
focus is down. 
So the kids kind of just checked

763
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:51,920
out emotionally glaring out the 
window. 

764
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:55,520
You know, I might have seen news
reports the night before hearing

765
00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:58,520
news stories. 
And it's scary for these little 

766
00:39:58,520 --> 00:39:59,880
ones, right? 
So. 

767
00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:03,520
You know, unfortunately they 
have removed what they call the 

768
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:06,880
SAC counselors, which is what I 
did, the emotional mental health

769
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:09,160
and Wellness counselor from the 
schools. 

770
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:12,360
This should be the first person 
to be hired even before a 

771
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:16,680
football coach because every 
child needs emotional Wellness 

772
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:20,080
and support to talk about these 
fear based issues. 

773
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:24,640
And I did a lot of behavioral 
modification with these kids so 

774
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:27,480
they weren't ADHD. 
You know, we did meditation, we 

775
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:31,080
did music therapy, we did 
positive reinforcement. 

776
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:33,360
You know, where there's a 
treasure chest that they'd had a

777
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:36,840
star that day, they could reach 
into the treasure chest and get 

778
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:40,480
a prize. 
I you know, so and just talk 

779
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:43,200
about, well, I miss my dad, you 
know, where is he going to come 

780
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,320
home, you know, and normalizing 
that feeling for that child so 

781
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,800
he can really talk to him about 
someone because he can't talk to

782
00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,640
his mom about it because mom's 
already freaked out, right? 

783
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:56,240
So there's, there's all these 
different things that go on in 

784
00:40:56,240 --> 00:40:58,480
life. 
Right now is a very scary time. 

785
00:40:58,720 --> 00:41:01,480
The time of COVID where kids 
couldn't even go to school. 

786
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:06,000
Those children now are like, I 
have grandchildren in that age 

787
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:12,120
range, 12 to 9 through 1213. 
And that age group, there's four

788
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:15,640
years, couldn't go to school, 
worried if mom or dad goes out 

789
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:18,360
to work, are they going to come 
home alive or hearing all these 

790
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:21,880
deaths, That's a big trauma. 
Absolutely. 

791
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:23,960
That's for community trauma, by 
the way. 

792
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:25,640
OK. 
Before before we go to the next 

793
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:27,840
one, I really want to just say 
how grateful I am for this 

794
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:32,320
conversation because you know, 
you guys who might be listening 

795
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:35,120
to this might be in a place 
where, oh gosh, that was me. 

796
00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:37,200
But there are also a lot of 
fathers who listen to this. 

797
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:39,840
And So what you're doing also is
you're, you're, you're, you're 

798
00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:42,080
turning on light bulbs for 
fathers that are out there 

799
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:45,560
again, for things they might 
even know exist. 

800
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:47,880
And now that there's a, a 
potential awareness or 

801
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:49,680
mindfulness that, that that's 
there as well. 

802
00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:51,720
So thank you again for that. 
You're welcome. 

803
00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:54,320
Yeah, it's really important. 
And I always teach as if they 

804
00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:56,360
are parents or will be parents 
one day. 

805
00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:59,880
And also, how did they grow up? 
So looking at all these 

806
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:02,040
different generations. 
OK. 

807
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:04,560
And that's number 5A round 
abandonment. 

808
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:08,320
Number six is you're part of the
foster care system, had to go 

809
00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:10,880
live at somebody else's house 
'cause your parents couldn't 

810
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:16,480
keep you or were sent away, like
the foster care system. 

811
00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:19,440
And I worked with a lot of kids 
in foster care, so they deserve 

812
00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:22,080
their own category. 
And sometimes children of 

813
00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:24,480
adoption feel like, oh, well, my
parents didn't love me. 

814
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:28,600
They gave me up, even though the
adoptive parents were fabulous, 

815
00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:30,560
you know, there's still that 
emptiness. 

816
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:33,280
Why did my birth mother love me 
or want me? 

817
00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:35,560
Right. 
So that's number six. 

818
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:39,000
And even going to live at 
someone else's house, even if 

819
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:42,280
his grandma or an aunt or a 
family friend, you still feel 

820
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:44,880
disposed from your mom or dad. 
Right. 

821
00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:46,360
Yeah. 
So get that out there. 

822
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:48,280
Let's get it. 
Let's get the awareness there so

823
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:50,040
you can unpack some of that 
stuff. 

824
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:55,400
OK #7 is personal trauma and 
this is a big one for men and 

825
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:58,000
women. 
So this is if you felt different

826
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:00,560
in any way. 
So you could have been a chubby 

827
00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:03,960
child and tease for that or 
tall, skinny and gawking called 

828
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:09,640
the nerd, which I was. 
You could have been, you know, 

829
00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:12,920
gay or lesbian coming out in 
school and your kids or your 

830
00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:16,520
family rejected you. 
You could have been, you know, 

831
00:43:16,520 --> 00:43:19,680
the only African American in all
Caucasian schools. 

832
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:21,600
So you felt different because of
that. 

833
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:24,360
So, you know, there's so many 
reasons you felt different. 

834
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:28,760
Identified as ADHD or pulled out
for special classes, you know, 

835
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:30,400
and you're embarrassed about 
that. 

836
00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:33,640
And I see all these dynamics at 
the schools, right? 

837
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:37,200
So I was really hands on working
with the kids going through 

838
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:41,120
these things. 
So anyway that you felt 

839
00:43:41,120 --> 00:43:44,360
different? 
That's basically trauma 7. 

840
00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:49,040
And hey, everybody who isn't in 
that category, right? 

841
00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:52,480
And you think about that, like 
think about your childhood who 

842
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:55,000
wasn't in that category. 
Again, you're not alone. 

843
00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:57,320
And sometimes little things like
that. 

844
00:43:57,320 --> 00:43:59,320
For me, I was told I had a big 
nose growing up. 

845
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:00,880
You know what? 
I, I unpacked it. 

846
00:44:00,880 --> 00:44:02,880
I'm glad I unpacked it. 
But that was one of those things

847
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,280
that for about two years in 
elementary school, I carried 

848
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,160
with me for a long time. 
It was made. 

849
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:09,440
It was 2 comments that people 
made. 

850
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:11,720
It was one one day of being made
fun of by two people. 

851
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:14,040
Yesterday. 
There it is, there it is. 

852
00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:17,160
So again, small T, but long, 
long effect. 

853
00:44:17,200 --> 00:44:20,640
So again, not alone. 
All right, let's keep going. 

854
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:25,080
OK so trauma 8 is around 
siblings, sibling trauma. 

855
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:29,280
So three ways this could show 
up. 1A sibling of yours was born

856
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:32,240
with a medical issue, so that 
commanded more of mom's and 

857
00:44:32,240 --> 00:44:34,520
dad's time. 
And you felt kind of alone 

858
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:37,680
because they always said, well, 
you're OK, we have to help your 

859
00:44:37,680 --> 00:44:41,040
brother or your sister. 
The child understands it, but it

860
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:42,520
doesn't mean they didn't feel 
alone. 

861
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:45,520
OK. 
Another one is the sibling 

862
00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:48,200
bullied them, beat them up the 
older brother. 

863
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:49,560
I wouldn't teach you to be 
tough. 

864
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:55,320
These kinds of things, you know,
or the third one where a lot of 

865
00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:58,160
women felt this, I think more 
maybe than the men. 

866
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:02,120
But there was always like the 
sibling hero or the what we call

867
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:05,480
the golden child. 
You know, I grew up fourth out 

868
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:07,920
of five, but in between two 
brothers and my brothers were 

869
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:10,960
all American Water polo 
swimmers, which is great. 

870
00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:14,840
You know, I love my brothers. 
It didn't cause rift between us,

871
00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:18,200
but it was really evident that 
my mom favored the boys. 

872
00:45:18,240 --> 00:45:20,440
But why did she? 
These were the men of the house,

873
00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:22,800
right? 
So I had sister, sister, 

874
00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:25,800
brother, me brother. 
So they were the, her golden 

875
00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:28,560
child, you know, and 
complimenting them. 

876
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:32,440
And, you know, I was always the 
one that had to work harder to 

877
00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:34,640
get some attention or get a 
compliment. 

878
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:38,760
My first compliment was when I 
was 50 when my book Love Beyond 

879
00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:41,520
Your Dreams went on #1 
bestseller on Amazon. 

880
00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:43,680
My mom's there. 
It's a really great book. 

881
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:47,560
I read the whole thing and I'm 
telling my ladies at the at, at 

882
00:45:47,560 --> 00:45:50,520
Bridge about it. 
I'm like, you are like, I was 

883
00:45:50,520 --> 00:45:52,240
shocked. 
I got a compliment. 

884
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:55,400
So these are things I remember 
right? 

885
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:57,960
Like, Oh my gosh, my first 
compliment when my mom said I 

886
00:45:58,000 --> 00:46:03,080
did a good job, but of course it
gave me worth, worth ethics. 

887
00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:09,040
So he's successful entrepreneur 
of several businesses and you 

888
00:46:09,040 --> 00:46:11,080
know, so you find the good from 
the bad. 

889
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:15,680
And this is part of rewriting 
the story of trauma healing. 

890
00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:19,880
You know this happened, but what
good can we find from what 

891
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:21,880
happened? 
That's just an example. 

892
00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:23,440
So that's. 
Fantastic. 

893
00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:25,280
That's OK. 
So sibling, what's the next one?

894
00:46:25,280 --> 00:46:27,160
The only reason that we're 
rushing through it everybody is 

895
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:29,360
because she's got a client 
coming up and I've been told 

896
00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:30,760
that we got to keep it under an 
hour now. 

897
00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:33,520
So anyway, anyway, but but 
what's what's the next one? 

898
00:46:33,800 --> 00:46:38,080
OK #9 is 2. 
I had to move it down #11 

899
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:41,680
because it came so prevalent #11
was community trauma. 

900
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:46,120
So the example is COVID, our 
Mother Earth events, flood, 

901
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:49,520
fires, hurricanes, you know, 
where it wipes out entire 

902
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:52,280
communities. 
And of course, this war, any 

903
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,720
kind of war is a community 
trauma. 

904
00:46:56,200 --> 00:47:00,440
And it mixes with family trauma,
which was always #9 so that 

905
00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:05,800
could be growing up in an area 
of poverty, struggling 

906
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:09,760
financially, dad losing jobs. 
Medical. 

907
00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:13,880
Something medical. 
Medical and the family, yeah, 

908
00:47:14,160 --> 00:47:20,760
the parents being incarcerated, 
you know, so any kind of family 

909
00:47:20,760 --> 00:47:23,760
trauma. 
And then #10 is one of the 

910
00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:26,640
hardest ones as well. 
Mental health issues. 

911
00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:29,600
And mom or dad. 
And the two most difficult is 

912
00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:32,840
borderline personality, which 
I'm going to describe is when 

913
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:35,600
they were good, they were great.
When they were bad, they were 

914
00:47:35,600 --> 00:47:37,680
horrid. 
And the kid never knew what they

915
00:47:37,680 --> 00:47:40,240
were going to get when they 
opened the door from school that

916
00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:41,840
day. 
Is dad going to be in a good 

917
00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:43,680
mood or is he going to scream at
me today? 

918
00:47:44,080 --> 00:47:46,560
You didn't know? 
And it keeps the child always on

919
00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:48,920
edge. 
And most of my clients coming to

920
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:52,840
me have ongoing anxiety. 
And it's from these these 

921
00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:57,640
personality disorders. 
The other one is bipolar and 

922
00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:00,360
that's manic depressive. 
A lot of people think manic 

923
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:03,480
phase is a high and happy phase.
Well, it could be. 

924
00:48:03,480 --> 00:48:07,480
Let's say you're gambling and 
you won $2000 and you feel 

925
00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:10,120
great. 
You go back an hour later and 

926
00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:13,000
you lose 5000. 
Now you don't have the mortgage 

927
00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:16,480
money and you're depressed for 
two months, right? 

928
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,760
So a manic phase is always 
followed by the depression 

929
00:48:20,000 --> 00:48:23,120
stage, and that's a hard one to 
live with, but borderline I 

930
00:48:23,120 --> 00:48:26,120
think is the most challenging. 
The ups and downs and the, and, 

931
00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:28,760
and I think a lot of us, I, that
was something my dad, my father 

932
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:31,080
had, he was, he was, he was a 
borderline personality disorder.

933
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:33,160
And it's exactly like you say, 
you know, the fight or flight 

934
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:36,680
almost never turned off. 
You know, for us, we didn't know

935
00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:38,840
what was going to happen. 
It is, it got to the point where

936
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:41,600
I was so astute. 
I think it's where my curiosity 

937
00:48:41,600 --> 00:48:42,920
comes from. 
I actually think it's why I'm a,

938
00:48:43,000 --> 00:48:46,080
why I'm a good podcast host in 
both my shows because I'm 

939
00:48:46,080 --> 00:48:49,120
naturally curious. 
But I think it came from a dark 

940
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:51,720
place. 
I could tell the way that Dad 

941
00:48:51,720 --> 00:48:55,160
would drive into the driveway. 
If he was in a good mood or. 

942
00:48:55,160 --> 00:48:58,280
What kind of mood he was in. 
I could tell the way, never mind

943
00:48:58,280 --> 00:48:59,840
the way he would slam the door 
or whatever. 

944
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:02,080
That was the early stuff. 
I could actually tell by the way

945
00:49:02,080 --> 00:49:04,480
he was, he drove in at 5:00 
every day. 

946
00:49:04,760 --> 00:49:08,680
I, I, I, I knew. 
And that was something that, you

947
00:49:08,680 --> 00:49:12,080
know, again, the, the, the, the 
idea when you don't know what 

948
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:13,960
you're going to have in a 
household, whether it's a, 

949
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:16,960
whether it's a spouse, whether 
it's a parent, whatever it is, 

950
00:49:16,960 --> 00:49:19,480
you don't know what you're gonna
get constantly on edge. 

951
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:22,560
That's gonna lead to some stuff.
The good news is, though, is 

952
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:24,680
that we can, there are solves 
for these things. 

953
00:49:24,680 --> 00:49:26,680
Identifying an awareness is a 
huge one. 

954
00:49:26,680 --> 00:49:29,360
And there are exercises and 
things that we can do for that. 

955
00:49:29,600 --> 00:49:33,160
I'm gonna ask you this. 
You've got an AI Rihanna, which 

956
00:49:33,240 --> 00:49:36,360
which is so interesting to me. 
You've got an actual, you've 

957
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:39,120
taken things technologically 
into the next, the next step. 

958
00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:43,240
Does your AI version of the of 
of you know all of these things 

959
00:49:43,240 --> 00:49:46,440
and and is this the perspective 
that that I guess she for lack 

960
00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:50,200
of a better care comes from? 
It's called Rihanna AI and it's 

961
00:49:50,200 --> 00:49:56,040
located at lovecoachonline.com. 
Lovecoachonline.com and there's 

962
00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:59,400
either a text bot where you can 
type in your question and it 

963
00:49:59,400 --> 00:50:01,920
will answer the one I love the 
most. 

964
00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:05,800
It looks like I'm on Zoom. 
It's a me on Zoom, actually. 

965
00:50:06,240 --> 00:50:08,000
And you just talk to your 
computer. 

966
00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:10,080
Hey, Rihanna, I broke up with my
girlfriend. 

967
00:50:10,080 --> 00:50:13,480
I'm pretty depressed about it. 
My name's Jim and my avatar 

968
00:50:13,480 --> 00:50:15,560
would say, hey, Jim, nice to 
meet you. 

969
00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:17,240
I'm really sorry to hear about 
your breakup. 

970
00:50:17,240 --> 00:50:21,760
Let's talk about what you can do
so it is trained on my live and 

971
00:50:21,760 --> 00:50:25,640
love beyond Your Dreams books, 
my courses, 40 years of teaching

972
00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:28,920
Mindset for success. 
Since my 20s, I've been teaching

973
00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:33,920
that my license, mental health 
work, my trauma recovery work, 

974
00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:36,560
everything. 
I have been feeding this and 

975
00:50:36,560 --> 00:50:40,480
waiting for AI to get developed 
enough so that I could put it 

976
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:42,960
out there. 
And the main goal for this, 

977
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:46,600
which I absolutely love, is it 
talks in any language. 

978
00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:50,840
So you can talk Japanese to my 
avatar, it will talk Japanese 

979
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:53,480
back. 
And I can't do that. 

980
00:50:53,480 --> 00:50:56,080
So I couldn't help people around
the world except if they 

981
00:50:56,080 --> 00:51:00,160
understood English. 
Now it can be anybody anywhere, 

982
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:03,760
and it's 24/7. 
You can sign on when you want. 

983
00:51:04,320 --> 00:51:07,200
Especially all you know, most 
distress happens at night or 

984
00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:08,880
fights with your partner happen 
at night. 

985
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:11,160
You just sign on. 
Hey, this just happened. 

986
00:51:11,160 --> 00:51:12,720
What should I do to calm her 
down? 

987
00:51:13,160 --> 00:51:15,360
OK, let's talk about it. 
Here's some things you can do. 

988
00:51:16,040 --> 00:51:18,000
Boom. 
You know, instant answers, 

989
00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:22,640
solution focused and all trained
on my work exclusively. 

990
00:51:23,280 --> 00:51:25,760
Life is trippy. 
We live in weird times. 

991
00:51:25,760 --> 00:51:28,120
That is so trippy. 
What you just described. 

992
00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:30,400
Did you ever at the beginning, 
you've been doing this for 40 

993
00:51:30,400 --> 00:51:33,880
years at the beginning of your 
career, did you ever even fathom

994
00:51:34,160 --> 00:51:36,960
the idea that you would have 
something that you just 

995
00:51:36,960 --> 00:51:39,680
described out there, an AI 
version of yourself that can be 

996
00:51:39,680 --> 00:51:42,040
there and it can kind of throw 
things out, be a beautiful 

997
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:46,640
gateway for people to show them 
potentially an Ave. for 

998
00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:49,160
solution. 
Did you even think for a second 

999
00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:50,000
that would be? 
Possible. 

1000
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:53,120
I was talking to tech teams to 
say can you do this for me? 

1001
00:51:53,280 --> 00:51:54,080
Can you? 
Didn't know. 

1002
00:51:54,080 --> 00:51:57,680
No, it's not developed yet. 
I'm like, OK, so as soon as I 

1003
00:51:57,680 --> 00:51:59,680
knew it was out, I went to work 
on it. 

1004
00:51:59,680 --> 00:52:01,640
I brought it out Valentine's 
Day. 

1005
00:52:01,640 --> 00:52:05,400
So it's about a month old and 
I'm so proud of it. 

1006
00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:09,080
It's so exciting. 
It's love coach online.com and 

1007
00:52:09,080 --> 00:52:10,040
there's. 
A free trial. 

1008
00:52:10,040 --> 00:52:13,920
Right now and you can get the 
e-book have the love you deserve

1009
00:52:13,920 --> 00:52:19,120
for free just for trying it. 
The video chat is $5 for three 

1010
00:52:19,120 --> 00:52:21,480
days because I have to pay on 
each usage. 

1011
00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:26,200
Obviously the tech spot is a 
little bit more economic for me,

1012
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:30,440
so that's just a free trial. 
And yeah, it's really exciting, 

1013
00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:32,880
really good stuff. 
So if they can't reach me or 

1014
00:52:33,240 --> 00:52:35,360
they speak in a different 
language than me, they still can

1015
00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:37,560
get the help that they need. 
And trauma. 

1016
00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:39,760
Childhood trauma and love. 
Trauma recovery. 

1017
00:52:40,160 --> 00:52:41,640
And where is it again? 
Love Coach 

1018
00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:46,240
online.isthatwhatitislovecoachonline.com
yes, what a what a wonderful 

1019
00:52:46,360 --> 00:52:47,960
URL. 
Congratulations on getting that.

1020
00:52:47,960 --> 00:52:51,360
That's fantastic too. 
I just, you know, to close it 

1021
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:52,880
up. 
I know time is slippery when we 

1022
00:52:52,880 --> 00:52:55,440
do these things and, and I I 
just appreciate your time. 

1023
00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:58,280
I hope you come back one day. 
We can dive in a little bit 

1024
00:52:58,320 --> 00:53:00,280
deeper so much. 
More to cover Mike. 

1025
00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:03,560
Well, there is, I know. 
We didn't do how this shows up 

1026
00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:06,400
now as an adult, so we're going 
to have to do a Part 2 here. 

1027
00:53:07,000 --> 00:53:09,000
I can't wait. 
I and I mean that like like 

1028
00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:10,480
let's do a Part 2. 
I can't wait. 

1029
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:13,760
As we kind of finish up and 
close off the first one, guys 

1030
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:15,560
that are out there that are 
feeling this, they're feeling, 

1031
00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:19,000
they're feeling that a twig 
something that their 

1032
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:20,840
relationship isn't right. 
They are toxic. 

1033
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:22,040
They're with someone who's 
toxic. 

1034
00:53:22,800 --> 00:53:25,680
Do you have any kind of 
overarching parting words before

1035
00:53:25,680 --> 00:53:28,880
we close up this episode? 
Yeah, I mean, my slogan is 

1036
00:53:28,880 --> 00:53:30,600
always this. 
You know, life is short. 

1037
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:34,040
Now is the time to create the 
life you desire and have the 

1038
00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:37,080
love you deserve. 
You can meet with me to do do 

1039
00:53:37,080 --> 00:53:42,600
these five simple assessments 
for two hours for only $97.00. 

1040
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:46,080
You can order that at my 
website, rihannamilne.com, where

1041
00:53:46,080 --> 00:53:49,120
you can find those free tests. 
You can do the free test, but I 

1042
00:53:49,120 --> 00:53:51,800
don't get a copy of it. 
If you do the discovery session 

1043
00:53:51,800 --> 00:53:55,600
with me for two hours, I get the
test, we dissect them and we 

1044
00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:58,200
come up with a blueprint to help
your healing journey. 

1045
00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:00,200
So it's real simple to meet with
me. 

1046
00:54:00,200 --> 00:54:03,200
I may be international and 
global, but I'm a very small 

1047
00:54:03,200 --> 00:54:06,680
town in my service. 
What I find is that the $97.00 

1048
00:54:06,680 --> 00:54:09,080
for for something like that is 
certainly never the issue. 

1049
00:54:09,080 --> 00:54:10,640
The issue is getting out of our 
own way. 

1050
00:54:10,640 --> 00:54:14,520
The issue is, is is is many 
times admitting that we need the

1051
00:54:14,520 --> 00:54:16,000
help and then taking the step to
do it. 

1052
00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:18,600
You're not alone. 
This is exactly why we do the 

1053
00:54:18,600 --> 00:54:20,000
show. 
Guys that are out there, you 

1054
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:21,360
know, keep fighting the good 
fight. 

1055
00:54:22,240 --> 00:54:24,360
I just appreciate you Rihanna 
for taking time out of your 

1056
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,160
insane schedule. 
I know how busy you are. 

1057
00:54:26,360 --> 00:54:29,280
This has been another episode of
he cast the official podcast of 

1058
00:54:29,280 --> 00:54:31,280
he changed it. 
My name is Mike Chisholm. 

1059
00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:32,680
Go change something.