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Dateology coach bonus episode. 
Hi, Sarah. 

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Hi. 
Hi, we're jumping right in. 

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It's a free episode. 

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Dot war. 

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It's a lot. 
Patreon.com/dataology Coach You 

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ready? 
Yeah, do do you want to read it 

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or do you want me to read? 
It Why don't you read it? 

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So this is something I saw this 
week on Slate. 

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It's a fresh one from January 
28th. 

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OK, so the headline is help 
exclamation points. 

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I've tried everything to find a 
woman who will date me, but it's

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impossible for a guy like me. 
OK, now here's here's the letter

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itself. 
Dear Kristen and Sarah, I was 

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married for 12 years and we have
a daughter. 

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There is a 10 year age 
difference and I was surprised 

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when she, my roommate at the 
time, first came on to me. 

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I was equally surprised when she
ended the marriage with You've 

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been a good husband and a good 
father but you got old, your 

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hair fell out and I've met 
someone else and that was 20 

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years ago now. 
I'm an incel. 

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Not the nasty embittered woman 
hating type, but just an 

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ordinary guy who likes women and
can't find a romantic partner. 

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I have women friends who are 
partnered who are gay or 

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intentionally single or looking 
for a man but are not interested

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in me due to the age gap. 
I'm in a few sporting and 

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leisure groups. 
Same deal there. 

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I live in a small town and the 
one woman aware of my situation 

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told me there are single women 
around here. 

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I don't meet them. 
I asked 1 married friend if she 

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knew knew any single women and 
she laughed saying yes but I 

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wouldn't inflict them on you. 
Which made me wonder if she 

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really meant it the other way 
around. 

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Reasonable and self aware. 
I'm on a couple of dating 

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websites and I have had two 
relationships through them, one 

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lasting 2 years and the other 18
months. 

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Both ended with me being 
unexpectedly dumped by text with

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no reason given, and one ordered
me not to contact her again and 

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when I asked the other one about
the breakup, she texted me 

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saying that I'm a bully and a 
control freak. 

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I've never before experienced 
any accusation like that, not 

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even during that relationship, 
and never from my ex-wife or 

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friends, family, workmates, or 
anyone else. 

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I know that I lack the emotional
intelligence to read signs, 

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given that most of the time it's
the man who suggests going to 

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bed. 
And before my marriage, I always

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got one of two responses, either
whatever made you think I'd be 

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interested in you, or the more 
welcome but equally surprising, 

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what took you so long? 
In those days, I was often put 

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in the friend zone. 
The other dozens of approaches 

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that I've made on dating sites 
have been rejected. 

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About half of the women ignore 
my e-mail. 

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The rest give a reason, like, 
you seem like a nice, 

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interesting guy, but I don't 
want to take things further. 

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If they don't want a nice, 
interesting guy, what do they 

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want? 
I'm keen to learn, but I know 

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better than to ask. 
A work colleague in the same 

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situation as me said that women 
see us as effeminate and not 

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real men. 
I suspect that being bald 

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doesn't help. 
My adult daughter, while 

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sympathetic, says that I'm just 
another example of nice guys 

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finishing last. 
I get the gist of that. 

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But like all of us, I know 
plenty of nice guys who actually

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have lovely women partners. 
So where do I go from here? 

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Signed signed Bo ho ho. 
Well Bo ho ho. 

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Now I am an incel. 
And first of all, why would you 

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self identify as an incel? 
I don't know why you would. 

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I don't know why anybody would 
do that. 

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Not the nasty embittered woman 
hating type, but an ordinary guy

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who likes women but can't find a
romantic partner. 

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So involuntary Sullivan, I have 
women friends who are partnered,

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gay, intentionally single or 
looking for a man but are not 

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interested in me due to an age 
gap. 

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Bam, there's your answer, Sir. 
Right, like have you tried 

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pursuing women your. 
Age, right? 

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Have you? 
Tried pursuing women. 

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Your age. 
That's the. 

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That's the answer. 
That's the answer. 

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Well. 
Well, that's part of it. 

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That's part of the answer. 
So I mean, there's so many more 

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though. 
So there's so many more problems

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other than there are. 
There's unknowingness to speak 

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to women who's on age, as far as
I could tell. 

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Wait a minute, hold on. 
I'm on a couple of dating 

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websites and I've had two 
relationships through them, one 

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lasting 2 years, the other 18 
months. 

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Both ended with me being 
unexpectedly dumped by text with

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no reason given. 
One ordered me not to contact 

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her again. 
Ordered like. 

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Restraining order. 
Or just told you not to contact 

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her again and when I asked the 
other one she texted me saying I

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am a bully and a control freak. 
Yeah, I mean, I can kind of see 

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that and and here's why like 
this this whole like wanted to 

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follow up and know why thing 
like what, why you're dumping 

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me, what I do wrong? 
How can I prove out this next 

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time? 
Like it's it's it's very off 

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putting. 
It is. 

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It is. 
Like no one, it's like 

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especially women, right? 
Like they really don't want to 

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have a blunt conversation with a
man about the the real reasons 

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that, that, that we're dumping 
him, right? 

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I mean, men react to most 
feelings with violence. 

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So that's very uncomfortable. 
Like even if you know he's never

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exhibited any violent 
tendencies, like let's go back 

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to self identifying as an insult
because I don't think he's 

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incorrect. 
I think he is firmly in the 

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danger zone of being radicalized
as he's already got another man 

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in his ear. 
Like over to Effeminate women 

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don't respect us. 
Right. 

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Get out of here with that. 
Like the best thing. 

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I mean, for any men who happen 
to be listening, like truly the 

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best thing you could do for 
yourself in terms of like, 

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success with women is just like,
cut all those dudes off. 

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They are not helping you. 
They're not giving you any good 

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advice. 
Please, please stop listening to

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other men, especially men in 
these. 

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Streets Podcasts. 
Any man with a microphone you 

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should not listen to, Sir. 
Right, Right. 

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Yeah. 
There's just, I mean, just a lot

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of like, really poisonous 
rhetoric. 

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Right. 
Right. 

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What? 
Wait a minute. 

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What elsewhere else did he go? 
The other dozens of approaches 

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I've made on dating sites have 
been rejected. 

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That's online dating, Sir. 
Correct. 

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That's just online dating. 
What also says he had a 

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relationship for what, 18 
months? 

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And in two, in two years, yeah, 
so. 

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He's So you've been successful, 
right Dating? 

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Right. 
Right now, now back to the 

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reason I I'm saying like I 
don't. 

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I don't think it's entirely 
inaccurate for him to self 

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identify as an insult because 
the biggest alarm ringing in my 

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head right now is how clearly 
entitled he feels to women's 

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attention and time. 
Right. 

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You're simply not right. 
You're not older relationship, 

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you're not full stop. 
That's it. 

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Right. 
About half the women ignore the 

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e-mail. 
Correct? 

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As they should. 
The rest give a reason. 

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You seem like a nice, 
interesting guy, but I don't 

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want to take things further. 
Is that after a first date? 

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I don't know. 
Are they just responding to your

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message and saying that to you? 
Because I don't think they are. 

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And you know why I don't think 
they are, Sir. 

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Because women are afraid of 
rejecting men because men get 

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angry. 
So I don't think you're getting 

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these kinds of responses. 
I don't. 

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I think you're making this up. 
If they don't want a nice 

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interesting guy, what do they 
want? 

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I'm so tired of this. 
Too, But. 

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Women don't want nice guys. 
Yeah, we do. 

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We do. 
We do. 

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You just think you're a nice 
guy. 

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You're not. 
You're not. 

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You're a man who feels entitled 
to our time and our bodies. 

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You're a man who purports to be 
a friend, Someone who is 

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emotionally intelligent and 
supportive. 

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But you're only doing that as 
Sarah says, thinking that if you

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put in enough, nice sex will 
come out. 

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Yeah. 
And then when it doesn't, you 

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turn on us. 
Right. 

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I mean, if you're so nice, why 
don't you have female friends 

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that you're not attracted? 
To right, right. 

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We know that he is because he 
he's already slept like but they

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won't date me because right. 
I think he does mention like he 

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has some friends who are are 
lesbians which. 

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Yes, he does. 
He says he has some gay friends,

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which I don't know. 
I mean, great, that's that's 

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certainly helping broaden your 
worldview, right? 

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But like, man, stop hanging out 
with other insults and like 

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really just stop feeling 
entitled to women because 

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because you're just not a 
relationship is this is not 

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something men are entitled to. 
They're really having a hard 

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time with that. 
Yeah, but now let's go back to 

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this doozy. 
A work colleague in the same 

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situation as mine said women see
us as effeminate and not real 

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men. 
I suspect being bald doesn't 

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help. 
Incorrect, Sir. 

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Women love bald men, what are 
you talking about? 

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It's certainly not the thing. 
It's not the thing. 

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It's not it's not the thing that
you think it is. 

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My adult daughter, while 
sympathetic, says I'm just 

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another example of nice guys 
finish last. 

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I get the gist of that. 
But like all of us, I know 

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plenty of nice guys with lovely 
women partners. 

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Where do I go from here? 
You start. 

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You start by by no longer 
whining. 

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I think I have a different 
starting point I would 

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recommend. 
OK. 

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All right. 
I I would say this that this guy

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who who needs to start by 
understanding his own neuro 

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divergent. 
Oh, OK. 

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Because I'm, I'm just picking up
a vibe here, right? 

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Like he's, he's trying to make 
dating more mathematical than it

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00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,160
is, right? 
If, if I do this, I get this 

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outcome, right? 
And he's very clearly like 

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keeping score. 
He's looking for a formula, 

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right? 
How much nice do I have to put 

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in for sex to come out right, 
right. 

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00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:55,160
But the like that that way of 
thinking that that pattern of 

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thinking is is causing women to 
pick up on a vibe of misogyny, 

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00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:06,320
which I also think like is 
there, but is separate from the 

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the the neurodivergence. 
They're just not, you know, 

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we're we're just in a dangerous 
place right now. 

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Like this. 
This whole thing could go very, 

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very in cell. 
Careful. 

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So I mean, yeah, I, I don't know
if he realizes he's on the 

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00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,960
spectrum. 
I'm pretty sure he is. 

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00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:34,680
And I think that him discovering
that he is figuring out how that

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impacts his communication could 
be really helpful and could help

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him, you know, actually 
understand like. 

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How interesting. 
What kind of vibes he's putting 

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out? 
I can, I can, I can see that. 

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00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,760
And now that now that you bring 
it up and and I go back like 

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that's interesting pattern 
recognition. 

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On my part or on his? 
On yours, on yours without. 

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00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,880
You. 
Know thinking that there's some 

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sort of equation and then trying
to make the equation fit. 

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00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:13,520
OK. 
He doesn't, yeah. 

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He doesn't understand that he's 
just not going to be for 

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everybody. 
Right. 

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00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,720
And, and it, what's happening 
is, you know, he, he wants it so

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00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:25,280
badly that it's, it's coming 
across as entitled. 

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Why don't I have this right? 
And like, that's the part that's

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off putting, right? 
So, you know, if you talk to an 

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incel, he's going to give you 
terrible advice. 

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Like, oh, women could just smell
the desperation on you. 

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They think you're too 
effeminate. 

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Like you got to be disrespectful
and mean to them. 

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That's not it. 
That's not it at all, man. 

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Nope. 
But you do have to be self aware

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about, you know, your 
expectations and how they may be

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perceived. 
Yes, yes. 

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And listen this line women see 
us as a feminine and not real 

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men that is in cell rhetoric 
that is online chatter. 

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When he says I'm talking to 
another friend like me, you mean

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your friend online? 
Yeah. 

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'Cause that, that I can hear it.
They want chads. 

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I can hear it. 
That's somebody you're talking 

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to online. 
That's the other piece of 

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advice. 
Get away from those people. 

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Right, and because they don't 
want you saying he's like in the

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danger zone too, is like it's, 
it's that black and white 

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thinking, right? 
He's, he's very vulnerable to 

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be, to finding himself in a 
place where suddenly like women 

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are the enemy, right? 
Simply because they will be. 

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Right on the precipice of it. 
Yeah. 

255
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Right. 
He's right there. 

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And the more he keeps or puts 
himself around men who keeps 

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saying, Oh, no, they think 
you're a feminine and they don't

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want that and they don't want 
this. 

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And the more he's going to, he's
going to be radicalized. 

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And that's how it starts. 
And this is how it happens. 

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So, Sir. 
Go to therapy. 

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Go to therapy please, I beg of 
you. 

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Get a diagnosis, figure yourself
out. 

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00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:19,200
Right, right. 
And I think that would be a good

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start. 
Therapy would probably be the 

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most ideal start date women your
own age understands that you 

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will not be for everybody and 
that is how it is for all of us.

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And get away from these in cell 
forums. 

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You know, communities. 
Get away from those communities 

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and find a community. 
Go to Reddit and go to dating 

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over 40 or dating over whatever 
your age is. 

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00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:49,200
I I happen to find those forums 
fairly healthy. 

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Plus it's men and women. 
Yeah, true, right. 

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So I, I think that would be, 
that would be better put 

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yourself around women, talk to 
women, learn how to interact 

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with women right? 
In a way where it's not, but if 

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I do this, then you're supposed 
to do this. 

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00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,120
You need to, you need to learn 
how to mask. 

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00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,320
Maybe that's part of it too. 
Learning how to mask learning 

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00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:17,240
how to how to navigate these 
situations if you are having 

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00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,760
trouble reading cues. 
Yeah, you don't want to come 

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00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,600
across as transactional, which 
right now is definitely 

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00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,520
happening. 
Yes, exactly. 

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00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,400
And the more you interact with 
women on a platonic level and 

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00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,880
start seeing them as human 
beings, the more successful 

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00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:35,080
you're going to be. 
But get away from those 

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00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,840
communities because they will 
drag you down. 

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00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:43,760
All right, remember, if you want
our full length content and the 

289
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:47,520
dating advice columns from 
people who write in letters or 

290
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,440
different content that I see 
online that I might respond to 

291
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,840
patreon.com/datology Coach, 
become a subscriber. 

292
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,160
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293
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,480
Go to 
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294
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,200
Coach and subscribe. 
Follow us on Instagram at 

295
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,280
Datology Pod. 
Follow me on Instagram at the 

296
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:07,800
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You're going to want to follow 

297
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,880
me at my character analysis as 
well on Instagram as well as on 

298
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:13,760
YouTube. 
If you have any questions, you 

299
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,240
can submit them to 
hello@dataologycoach.com or just

300
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,560
go to dataologycoach.com and 
submit them through the site. 

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00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,680
Sarah, any final thoughts? 
Value your time. 

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00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,560
Value your time. 
Therapies for everybody. 

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00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,040
Correct. 
So bog witches, bog warlocks, 

304
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:29,560
bog vase. 
Value your time, like Sarah just

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00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,520
said, decenter men, and center 
yourself. 

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00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,120
Goodbye, bye.