1 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:20,560 Didology Coach podcast. Hi, Sarah, It is a very horribly 2 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,280 gloomy day here in New York City. 3 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:28,240 How is it in Baltimore? It's like 57 in May Amazing. 4 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:32,240 I'll take it. Yeah, I like, I like anything 5 00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:37,200 below 70 I can deal with. I want you to do a blind react 6 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:40,040 for me for something that I saw in threads. 7 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,360 And it actually is going to lead into one of the two 8 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:43,960 announcements that we have for the show. 9 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,960 So I saw this on threads. It's an author and she says I 10 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,040 killed a dog in my book and said there's no afterlife. 11 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:54,960 Then I watched a writing video that said pets can have big 12 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,320 roles in books so be careful. A beta reader asked me if a dog 13 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,560 dies, said she checks a site with a list of books to avoid. 14 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:06,320 Then a dating app guy said my afterlife rule was a hard pass 15 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:10,320 and I dipped. Oh and and he dipped. 16 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:13,160 Damn people. Dog culture is dire. 17 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:16,280 They're a great pet but stop acting like they have little 18 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,080 moons orbiting them. Your behavior is raising our vet 19 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,760 bills. They're not a child, chill. 20 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,880 Well, you know, you know what I have to say, Kristen. 21 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:33,560 What? No, no, no, I will not. 22 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,560 She is getting massive backlash for this. 23 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,960 Massive because she's wrong. Because she is wrong. 24 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,240 She is. And boy does she. 25 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,520 She did. Did she misread her audience 26 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,760 like this is? I It's not even like her 27 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,720 audience, right? It's just like people. 28 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,800 Right. But this, this is something that 29 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,120 could kill your career. Dogs are that important to 30 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:05,200 people that if you treat them or or talk like people who consider 31 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,919 them family are are silly, you're going to lose a lot of 32 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:10,240 people. Yep. 33 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:17,640 Now I'm bringing this up to make an announcement. 2 34 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,840 announcements. The first one is we've moved the 35 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,880 publishing date or the posting date to Tuesdays because we're 36 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,560 trying to incorporate video. And we've moved over to a 37 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,440 different hosting platform that has video. 38 00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:37,480 And so it just might take a little bit longer to to edit and 39 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,400 Polish up. And it's just helpful for me to 40 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:45,040 have more time between episodes because I get very stressed out, 41 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:48,200 which as we know, triggers the ADHD and a whole lot of other 42 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,080 stuff. The other announcement I want to 43 00:02:51,080 --> 00:03:00,920 make is Sam, the small dog that I cared for for about 5 months a 44 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:04,000 year for the past five years. She was 17. 45 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,480 She crossed the Rainbow Bridge on Monday. 46 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,680 Yeah. And it was. 47 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,640 It was something that we knew was coming. 48 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,000 We thought maybe there would be a couple more months. 49 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:21,680 She had gone back into the vet and they said, you know, we have 50 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,560 to put her on fluids, etcetera, etcetera. 51 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:27,360 And the doctor was explaining all this to me and I could tell 52 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:31,120 by the way he was talking to me. I said, wait a minute, I need to 53 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,360 call the owner in China. You need to talk to them. 54 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:39,120 I just knew this is not a me conversation, so I'm not going 55 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,840 to go too into detail. It's just it's depressing 56 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:46,800 because we love our dogs. We love our pets, but I do want 57 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,560 to talk about something that happened as a result of this. 58 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:56,440 And I've, I've mentioned on the show before that when I was 59 00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:00,640 studying for my trauma certification, we studied 60 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,760 something called repetition compulsion. 61 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:07,400 And it's where we repeat a pattern subconsciously. 62 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:15,040 And it's usually we, we recreate A trauma or an experience in an 63 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:19,959 attempt to gain. I don't know if closure is the 64 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:24,680 right word, but in in an attempt to close the loop, to fix it to, 65 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:29,480 to heal, right? We think if we can finally get 66 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,320 this right, then this, this thing that has followed us our 67 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:36,160 whole life won't be true and will be OK. 68 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,360 And a great example would be go ahead. 69 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,760 Maybe it makes you feel more in control too. 70 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:48,120 Yes, right. And a great example would be if 71 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,920 you have a primary caregiver that was absent or a very 72 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:57,040 emotionally withholding, you'll probably date emotionally 73 00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:01,120 unavailable people over and over again subconsciously in an 74 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:05,280 attempt to, to close the loop, to finally get it right so that 75 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:10,720 you can prove to yourself, I'm, I'm, I matter and, you know, 76 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:16,240 somebody picked me. So it's, it's things like that. 77 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:20,600 And This is why I've always said to people who talk about they 78 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,680 kind of date the same person over and over again. 79 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:31,080 I, I try to, I try to guide them into looking back and seeing if 80 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,120 there's any similarities among all the people that they're 81 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,320 dating. And, and I asked, does this 82 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,760 resemble anything from any other time in your life? 83 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,960 Because it doesn't just have to be childhood. 84 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:47,400 And you know, when a toxic dating pattern, when we date the 85 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,800 same person over and over again, it really isn't a choice. 86 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:54,040 And I try to make that clear. It's not a choice. 87 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:57,800 Your brain just recognizes what it knows, what it's familiar 88 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:01,440 with, and that makes it feel safe. 89 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,840 And so they say, oh, I know this, I can do this. 90 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:11,480 I can navigate this and that. But you meet somebody who is 91 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:15,520 completely the opposite, emotionally healthy, available, 92 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,760 etcetera, and you're probably going to be very triggered 93 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,880 because your brain doesn't recognize it. 94 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:25,080 Your brain, it's new and brain doesn't like new things, right? 95 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,880 The brain interprets it as as danger. 96 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,160 So knowing. Answers are so fucked up. 97 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:39,440 Brains, they really are knowing this, knowing about this, but 98 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,680 this behavior, this repetition, compulsion. 99 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,720 The thing with Sam was and and I, and I knew this from the 100 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,360 moment I met her. We had sort of similar 101 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:56,760 backgrounds in that her dad had to move across the world for 102 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:01,200 something to do with the family. And the plan was to relocate 103 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:05,560 her, but she was so much older. They were afraid she wouldn't 104 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:09,160 make she she wouldn't survive the trip. 105 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,640 You know, we're talking this is 11/12/13 hours. 106 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:18,440 They were afraid. And so they decided Sam would 107 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,080 live with the the owner of the father's sister. 108 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:27,880 And what? So when I took on Sam, I always 109 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:32,520 felt like we had something in common, which was in a sense, we 110 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:37,160 were both left behind. Her father never wanted to leave 111 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,560 her behind. And I met him because I was I 112 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,680 was there. They invited me to, you know, to 113 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:48,840 the in home, in home euthanasia. And I had he had Take Me Out to 114 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,160 lunch and we went out to coffee a day later. 115 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:55,200 And I got to know him and it was so clear how he adored this dog 116 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:59,840 and and how bad he felt that in the last few years of her life 117 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:03,360 he wasn't around so. That's rough. 118 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,680 It, it is rough, but I always felt like Sam and I had that 119 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:11,000 similarity. We, we both felt left behind. 120 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:17,360 We both were sort of left in situations where they, that 121 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:21,160 maybe, at least for me, I'm not speaking for Sam here. 122 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:25,800 For me, I was left in a situation where I, I didn't feel 123 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:30,720 wanted or I, I, I always felt in the way and I spent a great deal 124 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:36,720 of time alone. And so Sam, for me, I, I sort of 125 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,240 sensed something similar, which by sense probably projected my 126 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:46,480 own trauma onto this dog and I became very dependent on this 127 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:50,560 dog. This dog really healed something 128 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:53,600 in me. It made me feel that little girl 129 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,680 feel like she finally had a constant. 130 00:08:56,680 --> 00:09:03,960 She finally had a protector. And so when when the the 131 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:12,680 inevitability of her being put down really started coming 132 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:18,200 closer, I noticed I was really getting triggered. 133 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:19,080 I was. I was. 134 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,240 Getting. I noticed that too. 135 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,680 Did you? Yeah, you don't. 136 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,000 You don't say. You don't say why. 137 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:29,200 What did you notice? I mean what? 138 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,800 What do you mean? What did I notice? 139 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:36,360 Well, how did you know I was triggered other than I was like, 140 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:40,240 oh this is so hard. I mean like, did you think you 141 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:45,120 were hiding it? I didn't really think about it. 142 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:50,760 I didn't really think about it, but I became very triggered by 143 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:57,760 the idea of, of losing her, you know, due to that anticipatory 144 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:03,520 grief, but it was also that feeling of being left behind. 145 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:12,520 And it took me. I knew, I knew by how how my, 146 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:17,600 all the physical reactions I was having, I thought this is this 147 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,280 is traumatizing me or it's re traumatizing me. 148 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:24,120 And I thought I was, I, I thought I was in a pretty good 149 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:28,440 place and I felt like you've done this enough. 150 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,360 But this was Sam. This was somebody. 151 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,920 And I say somebody because that she's a person to me, somebody 152 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,720 that I had let in that I was completely vulnerable with that 153 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:43,040 I won't say made me feel whole, but made me feel special. 154 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,920 And and that's not something as a kid that I ever felt. 155 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,560 I never felt like I was wanted. I always felt like I was in the 156 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:55,640 way and Sam looked at me as though she saw me. 157 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,800 She if she loved me, she appreciated me. 158 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:04,840 She always wanted to be near me. She made me feel like like you 159 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,280 are. You are the most important thing 160 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,520 to me, which is something I've never really felt. 161 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,360 I certainly didn't feel it as a kid. 162 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:16,920 So the more I was getting upset and triggered, I started 163 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,400 thinking about repetition compulsion because I was telling 164 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,440 my I was telling my true crime discord. 165 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:27,240 This is not my first end of life job. 166 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,760 This was my third, I believe third. 167 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:36,480 And one of my friends said, do you think maybe this isn't 168 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:40,000 healthy for you? And you've said that as well? 169 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:43,560 You don't. Say, And I thought this was the 170 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:50,960 first time I really started to think, yeah, this is not just 171 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,400 like this is tearing open a wound for me. 172 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:58,480 And I started to ask myself, why do you keep doing this? 173 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,120 Why do you keep doing this? And that's when I started 174 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,720 thinking about the repetition compulsion. 175 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:08,240 Why do I keep right? Why do I keep recreating this, 176 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:13,520 this experience, this trauma of losing somebody and feeling so 177 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:16,480 vulnerable and feeling left behind, which is exactly how I 178 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:21,200 felt when my mother died. Why did I keep doing it? 179 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:24,840 Because I had really thought I had come to terms with any kind 180 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,880 of abandonment stuff. But I, I don't even think it was 181 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,000 the abandonment. It was the feeling left behind, 182 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:38,360 like I didn't matter. And I'm still, I'm still trying 183 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,760 to work through this. I've started journaling about 184 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,360 it. And I I sent you my first 185 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,640 journal entry, which was a letter to Sam. 186 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,240 Did you like it? I mean, it was lovely. 187 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:52,680 It just, it just made me cry, right? 188 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:57,560 Yeah, and it was, but it was very, I don't know, cathartic 189 00:12:57,560 --> 00:13:02,040 for me to do it to get it out. I might post it for the 190 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:07,000 subscribers over on Patreon because that's what we do with 191 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,440 the that's what the Patreon is for. 192 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,760 It's for the behind the scenes stuff, the more raw, the more 193 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:15,160 vulnerable stuff, you know, like the worth the wait episodes and 194 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,600 things like that. But I, it made me think about 195 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,880 dating and how we keep dating the same person over and over 196 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:28,600 and over again sometimes. And people think that. 197 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:30,960 Oh, I just have a type. Well. 198 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,400 Know that? How about you just have a bad 199 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,760 picker? You. 200 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,560 Well, there's that too, yeah. No, I just experienced trauma. 201 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,800 Well, that's that's usually something men say, right? 202 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,000 Right. No, that's something women say 203 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,360 too many and women both say it, don't you think? 204 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:51,120 I hear it more often from men, but really, yeah, 'cause I feel 205 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:55,000 like women know that, like simplifying it in that way. 206 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,160 Like, oh, pick better, like where, right. 207 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,800 Pick better from from what pool? Right. 208 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:07,000 It it's not that you have a bad picker, it's that your brain is 209 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,480 your brain just wants to fuck you over. 210 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:17,200 Your brain, your brain gravitates towards people or or 211 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:21,880 scenarios or experiences that you know and you don't know that 212 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,440 something's toxic. You don't know that something is 213 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:27,640 dysfunctional. If you grew up with it, right? 214 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:32,160 If you if you experience that pattern very young and it and it 215 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:35,640 played out because you believe, or at least your brain believes, 216 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,680 this is how this goes. This is how this is supposed to 217 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:39,920 be. Yeah, that's so true. 218 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,200 Like how how many of us have relayed a story from our earlier 219 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:48,480 lives and the the person who's listening just is like, what, 220 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,600 what happened? What? 221 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,040 Right. And they're like, appalled. 222 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,280 And that's what you realize, like, oh, this didn't happen to 223 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:56,960 everybody. Right. 224 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,920 Oh, you mean you? Didn't get a thirsty page 225 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:04,560 manifesto from some obnoxious British guy. 226 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,240 Right. I hope we all have been there 227 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:15,960 among us. Oh, Jesus Christ, but it's it's 228 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,000 true. It's not as simple as you have a 229 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,600 bad picker. You don't just have a bad 230 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:24,240 picker. You have if if something keeps 231 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,480 hope it happening over and over and over again, you might just 232 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:32,920 be unlucky, but more likely. I know, I know, but you, you 233 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,720 have to take that. It's it's a possibility. 234 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:38,480 But more once as luck, right? Yeah, certainly twice. 235 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,480 Sure. Three times, right? 236 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,520 After that, there's a pattern. It's a pattern. 237 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:48,040 If you, if you have a pattern of dating people who seem really 238 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:54,880 unavailable or dating people who talk down to you or who who 239 00:15:55,640 --> 00:16:02,520 treat you as an afterthought, I encourage you to dig deeper and 240 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:06,720 ask yourself and, and really look back, not just on your 241 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,800 relationship history, but on any, any relationship you've 242 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,440 had. Because this isn't just 243 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,680 something that happens in romantic relationships. 244 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,640 I want you to look back and I want you to identify things 245 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,760 about this person that is making you feel terrible. 246 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:25,080 And I want you to ask yourself, is there somebody or was there 247 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:29,440 somebody in my life or was there a relationship in my life where 248 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:40,840 I endured all of these things and, and, and never knew that it 249 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:46,280 was dysfunctional or unhealthy? Try to you, you really do want 250 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:50,080 to get to the root of the of the pattern because that's how you 251 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,200 that's how you start to break the pattern. 252 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:56,400 For me, I really do think journaling for me and and 253 00:16:56,400 --> 00:17:00,320 talking about this, I wrote this letter to Sam. 254 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,440 I plan on my entries will be to Sam. 255 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,520 I feel there's something very comforting in that. 256 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,760 It makes me feel like she's still here, but also I feel like 257 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:12,720 I can just be extremely vulnerable. 258 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:18,560 I really do want to get to the root of this feeling of being 259 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:21,839 left behind. I know what caused it, but how 260 00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:26,920 do I, how do I heal this wound in a way that doesn't traumatize 261 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,920 me when it's right, right. But but this could happen. 262 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:36,160 You lose somebody that you love dearly, right? 263 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,080 See. And that's that it what it is 264 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:40,320 for me. I could lose a family member. 265 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,760 I can remember when my sister got married, I was about 12 266 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,560 maybe she got married 1213. And this is a sister that I was 267 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,920 very close to, believe it or not, it was the one we don't 268 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:54,160 speak of. And I remember watching her 269 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,160 plane leave while she went off her honeymoon. 270 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,600 And I was sobbing because I felt left behind. 271 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:08,960 And I need to find a way to make it so that when I do lose 272 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:11,960 somebody, I'm not traumatized by it. 273 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,080 Yeah. I, I need to do that, especially 274 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,600 because of the dogs, whether it's end of life care, whether 275 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:22,280 it's just taking care of dogs, whatever it is, anybody could 276 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:26,720 walk away at any time. They could pass away, they could 277 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:30,280 move away, whatever. And that's gonna, that's gonna 278 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:33,840 trigger it with me. Not as deeply as it did with 279 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:39,160 Sam, necessarily, but I want to. I wanna heal that wound in a way 280 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:45,160 that it's not an open scab, It's that it's not a scab that it's 281 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,200 that it's that it's healed. Yeah. 282 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:52,920 I mean, what makes this hard, I think is, is going to be that 283 00:18:54,760 --> 00:19:00,480 you're going to have to, I guess do this with a like a recurring 284 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:05,800 shitty part of everyday life as as opposed to something that's 285 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,840 like an outlier event that you can pretty easily. 286 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:14,160 Avoid. But in any case, Sam passed. 287 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,280 She lived a very, very long life. 288 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:20,440 Her dad came home from She lived a very good life. 289 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,960 She really did a lot of. People loved Sam. 290 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:30,160 They spared no expense for her. Her dad flew pretty much a day 291 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:37,400 plus to be with her. And I will say I was holding out 292 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:38,960 hope that she was going to rally. 293 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,240 And then I saw her, that she saw him and she was in his arms. 294 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:48,720 And I went, Nope, she's tired. And I, I believe, I truly 295 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,600 believe she was holding out until he came home. 296 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:57,880 She was holding out to see him. So I feel very grateful that I 297 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,640 think she got the goodbye that she wanted, right? 298 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,360 I think she got the, she got the ending that she wanted. 299 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,600 So you have a letter. Well, we received a letter, but 300 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,360 you're going to read the letter. I am going to read the letter 301 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,800 and I apologize for my voice. I'm I'm a little under the 302 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:16,680 weather but I'm doing my best so OK. 303 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:21,720 The letter says I've been dating a guy for a whole 2 1/2 months. 304 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:26,320 Thanks to the center yourself mindset and the fuck that guy 305 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,600 philosophy. No man has been worthy of more 306 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,720 than one date in several years, so the fact that I've been 307 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,440 seeing a guy for nearly 90 days is astonishing. 308 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,040 There are green flags everywhere. 309 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:42,760 It's so easy. Communication is exactly as I 310 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,000 like it. We have so much in common. 311 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:49,360 Same age as I am. No cat allergies. 312 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:54,880 Funny, smart, successful, liberal, great dad, amicable 313 00:20:54,880 --> 00:21:00,360 relationship with the ex, enjoys trash TV, is independent, has 314 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,240 and likes tattoos, everything. So why am I writing? 315 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:09,840 Because I'm terrified I'm waiting for this relationship to 316 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:13,080 crash and burn even though I have no reason to believe it 317 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:13,880 will. At this point. 318 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,040 I'm so cynical about relationships. 319 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,600 My anxiety is starting to creep in and I struggle with 320 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:23,320 communicating my feelings so I don't know how to approach this. 321 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:27,280 I know I should be direct and clear but for some reason I'm 322 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,920 afraid. We had lunch plans on Saturday 323 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,920 but he asked for a rain check because he slept terribly the 324 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:39,160 night before and needed to take it easy and I believed him but 325 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,840 now I'm paranoid. This is the only time that he's 326 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,720 ever cancelled. We do have plans now for 327 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,120 Wednesday, so I want to ask him how he's feeling and I want to 328 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:51,040 tell him that I really like him and that I don't want to date 329 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,080 anyone else, but the idea of doing that makes my stomach 330 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,480 flip. He's given me no reason to be 331 00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:00,080 afraid of this, but I am. Any words of advice? 332 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,520 And then she says keep up the good work. 333 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:09,600 Now, we received a follow up to this letter pretty much the day 334 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:16,120 she submitted it and she said here's some follow up. 335 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:21,280 He broke up with me. So, right, I feel like this is 336 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:25,800 one of those situations where you're trying to determine what 337 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,440 was anxiety and what was intuition. 338 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,400 That's what this feels like to me now. 339 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,520 When she says my stomach did flip flops, that's anxiety, 340 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:36,920 right? Because it's there's that 341 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,200 physical component to it. I would say. 342 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,520 Right. But when she said for some 343 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:50,320 reason I was afraid to say something, for some reason to me 344 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,200 sounds like intuition. Yeah, 'cause we don't know the 345 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,760 reason, right? Right, right, right. 346 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,200 When something makes you anxious, you usually know what 347 00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:03,400 it is. But when you can't pinpoint what 348 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,280 about like when and when that adaptive unconscious is what's 349 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:10,760 triggered and what's being lit up, and you can't identify or 350 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:14,920 quantify something, that's typically intuition. 351 00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:18,400 Yeah. And intuition usually happens 352 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,880 about something that's that's occurring right in right in 353 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:25,400 front of you. Whereas anxiety is AI don't want 354 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:30,200 to say more generalized, but intuition is usually about 355 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,040 something very specific. Like you meet a person, you're 356 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,360 about to walk into a room, something doesn't feel right, 357 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:42,280 things like that. So I I feel like this was a 358 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:47,520 situation where she was picking up on things but telling 359 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,840 herself, no, you're just afraid, you're just getting paranoid 360 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,600 because he's available. Does that sound familiar? 361 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,160 It does. It does. 362 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,880 That's what Sarah said to me when I first started dating Don, 363 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,800 when I originally ended things with him. 364 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,600 Do you think maybe he's just available and I had to sit with? 365 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,080 I don't. Know about this? 366 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,280 I don't know. And I sat with that and I was 367 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:14,160 like, I think Sarah's right. So I, I think this might be a 368 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:22,480 case of she knew something was off and I'm going to say the 369 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:25,600 whole, you know, I didn't get great sleep last night. 370 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,720 What is that? What is that? 371 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:34,880 I see that that didn't that didn't bother me. 372 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,960 I didn't clock that as a Dick move because I feel like after 373 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:44,880 three months like that is probably long enough that you 374 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,760 can just say like, yeah, you know, I'm not feeling up to it, 375 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:50,680 sorry. And, you know, reschedule, which 376 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:54,760 they did. But who knows? 377 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,040 You know, it might have just been bullshit. 378 00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:00,440 Who knows? It's, it felt like, well, 379 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,800 obviously I, I think it, I think it was bullshit. 380 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,680 I think it was bullshit. It certainly looks like it in 381 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:06,800 hindsight. Right. 382 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:11,120 Yeah, I I take a nap. Take a nap. 383 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:14,600 You made plans with her? Do you have pneumonia or are you 384 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,240 just sleepy? Take a nap. 385 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,200 It's not that hard. You really want it? 386 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,960 It is. I mean, it's a Saturday. 387 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,720 Maybe he had his kid, you know, who knows? 388 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,160 Maybe he had to work. We don't know. 389 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:26,760 Right, well I would assume he didn't have his kid if he had a 390 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,080 date with her. Well, but I'm assuming the date 391 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,640 was later. You're saying he should take a 392 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,040 nap during the day, but in any case. 393 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,280 Well, no. If he has the has the daughter 394 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:39,200 during the day, he has her at night. 395 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,760 We don't know that. I would assume that don't know. 396 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:45,800 It doesn't matter. We're we're nitpicking. 397 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,960 We're nitpicking. Take a fucking nap. 398 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,360 That's my that's my answer. Take a nap. 399 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:53,440 If he really wanted to rally, he would have. 400 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:59,640 That's my feeling clearly right. So now what are you thinking? 401 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:06,000 You know, I, I don't, I don't know what to think about this 402 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:11,120 other than what seems to be the most likely explanation for this 403 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:16,400 kind of behaviour, which is like the illusion of infinite choice. 404 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,160 Because it sounds like things were going really well. 405 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:25,280 I didn't pick up on anything about this letter that made me 406 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,600 feel like, oh, man, they're about to break up. 407 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,960 If anything, I thought like, oh, maybe he's taking it slow 408 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,880 because he is divorced and has a kid, right? 409 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:39,080 And like divorced dads, frankly, should take relationships a lot 410 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:39,680 slower. I. 411 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:46,160 Think right. So, you know, given that all we 412 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,520 have to go on is the information we have, my best guess is, like 413 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,200 I said, just the illusion of infinite choice on his part. 414 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,120 He probably had a good time, realized it was, you know, 415 00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:59,480 getting to be 3 months and you were, you were going to have 416 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:03,120 this talk at some point, right? And rather than have the talk he 417 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:08,960 he chickened out. Right, right, This illusion of 418 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:12,440 infinite choice. I I wrote about this yesterday 419 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:15,520 on the Substack. A woman on Reddit was right. 420 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:17,880 Or you know, why did I? Why am I dealing with so much 421 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:19,040 rejection? Yeah. 422 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:24,160 And I said that if you find somebody attractive and see this 423 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,960 is how it when she when the woman in the letter was listing 424 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,440 off all these great qualities and I thought this guy's got, I 425 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,400 mean. He sounded great, right? 426 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,120 Right. He this guy's got a lot of 427 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,920 options, which doesn't mean that he wouldn't look at her and be 428 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:39,960 like, damn, she's great. I'm gonna focus on. 429 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:40,840 Her. Yeah, he obviously did. 430 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:47,560 But the thing about then is that they take things for granted. 431 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,160 They're very entitled, right? They don't they? 432 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,680 They don't appreciate what they have. 433 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:54,240 They don't. Right. 434 00:27:54,760 --> 00:28:02,720 So when you have somebody on a dating app who does seem like a 435 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,400 catch, if you find them attractive, you can be sure 436 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:10,760 other women do too. Which means you are going to be, 437 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:15,440 I hate the word competing, but you're going to be 1 of many. 438 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:24,040 You just are. And so The thing is, the bar is 439 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:28,440 so low on these dating apps that a guy who right the bar, oh, he, 440 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:32,360 he, all he has to do is not post a selfie and, you know, not talk 441 00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:35,200 about sex. And women are like, whoa, he's 442 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,160 great. He's a nice guy, right? 443 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:44,400 So when guys do the bare minimum, you know, compared to 444 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:49,200 everybody else on the app, they look much more desirable than 445 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:53,280 they actually are. And right, it it, it, it, it 446 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:57,000 that's this is where the false sense of options, the endless 447 00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:01,120 options comes from. But it also deludes these men 448 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,680 into thinking they're more desirable than they actually 449 00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:04,600 are. Correct? 450 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:10,200 Right. And so they think, oh, I can, I 451 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:14,600 can be picky here. When in reality, they probably 452 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,040 could. You know nobody, you know 453 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:21,000 everyone should be picky, right? They're probably extraordinarily 454 00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:22,000 picky. Inordinately. 455 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,520 It just ends up meaning that they don't recognize a good 456 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:26,520 thing when they have it. Right, right. 457 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:31,360 And remember, men in our culture are not encouraged to settle. 458 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:39,560 No, they, they are encouraged. They're, they determine success 459 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:45,840 based on not emotional fulfillment, but professional 460 00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:49,160 success, money, power. And what? 461 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:52,240 Yeah, what other men think. Status and what other men think 462 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:58,600 and so if they think they have a chance with a woman who's quote 463 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:02,840 UN quote hotter, they're going to they're going to hold out for 464 00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:03,960 her, which is. Stupid. 465 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:06,560 It's not even about hotter, it's just about more. 466 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,880 More. Sometimes it's about quantity. 467 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:12,520 And then they'll then they'll get on social media and Reddit 468 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:14,760 and complain about the male loneliness epidemic. 469 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,400 Right. Or how women are run through. 470 00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:21,280 Right, right. It's everything's everybody 471 00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:24,520 else's fault. So I, you know, now that we're, 472 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:28,280 we're talking about all this, there is one, there is one red 473 00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:30,400 flag here that I am now picking up on. 474 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:33,560 OK. Divorce, OH. 475 00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:39,560 Well, I don't think that's AI. Don't think that's a red flag. 476 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:40,880 Why do you think that's a red flag? 477 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:47,960 I think it's a red flag because, well, depending on how fresh the 478 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:52,400 divorce is, you certainly don't want to be the first person any 479 00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:53,600 mandates after his. Divorce. 480 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,800 OK, yes, so let's have a qualifier there. 481 00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:58,560 It's not the divorce, it's how recently divorced. 482 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:02,640 Yeah, I just, I, I, I would have questions about that, right. 483 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,600 Yeah. How recently is the divorce? 484 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:09,320 How old is your child? What do we mean by amicable when 485 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:12,200 we're talking about the relationship with the ex, Like, 486 00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,120 right. Yeah, these are all things that. 487 00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:17,760 Right. Are potentially problematic. 488 00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:20,400 Very. Yeah, Those are questions that 489 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:23,800 you are absolutely in well within your rights to ask 490 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:26,080 somebody. If they say, oh, I'm divorced. 491 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,200 When were you divorced? How long have you been divorced? 492 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:32,280 Is it finalized? Do not hesitate to ask these 493 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:35,240 questions. Women are made to feel like 494 00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:38,360 they're being that There's a difference between being 495 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:42,760 thorough and being nosy. I feel like we typically want to 496 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:45,920 ask the wrong question in response to finding out a man is 497 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:47,600 divorced. Right, we want to. 498 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,640 So what happened? We want to know why. 499 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,160 Right, you're not. Going to get the you're. 500 00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:54,160 Never going to get the truth. You're never going to get the 501 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:55,640 truth. Right. 502 00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:59,080 So it's yeah, it's useless to ask why. 503 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,480 What you want to know is, oh, for how long, right? 504 00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:03,880 For how long have you been divorced? 505 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:06,880 When was it finalized? Be really specific. 506 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:08,320 When was? When was it finalized? 507 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:10,680 Yeah. Were you separated beforehand? 508 00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:12,000 Right. Yeah. 509 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:15,400 You're within your rights to ask these questions because you're 510 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:18,600 you want to value your time. Yep, right. 511 00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:23,240 And somebody who's newly divorced is just a kidney candy 512 00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:26,440 shop. I'm getting that kind of vibe 513 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:27,400 here. Right. 514 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:31,120 Like the fact that she was afraid to tell him she wanted to 515 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,200 to make it official. Yes. 516 00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:37,320 I suggest she. Was picking up on something. 517 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:40,760 She was picking up on something. That was that she was, yeah, 518 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,520 picking up on a hesitation on his part. 519 00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:47,600 Yes, yeah. I, I, I really plead with people 520 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:51,680 when you have those instincts of or you have those feelings or 521 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,880 senses, I don't feel comfortable bringing this up. 522 00:32:55,720 --> 00:33:01,000 I beg of you to sit with that and examine it and ask yourself 523 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:03,400 why. Why don't you feel comfortable 524 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:06,120 bringing that up? Because the person you're 525 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,920 dating, if this is someone you want to be exclusive with, I 526 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:14,720 would hope that you felt safe with them. 527 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:18,320 That's really something that we overlook all the time. 528 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:20,960 Does this person make me feel? They should be excited to have 529 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,240 the conversation. Right, right. 530 00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:26,280 Be like, oh, great, yeah, I was going to bring this up, but you 531 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,600 beat me to it. I just wanted to give you time. 532 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,000 Right. But that is something that we 533 00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:34,720 don't talk about. It is the feel. 534 00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:36,760 Do you feel safe in a relationship? 535 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:39,760 Yeah. Do you feel like this person 536 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:43,560 will actively try not to hurt you? 537 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:46,640 Right. I mean, I, I feel like this, you 538 00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:53,080 know, 2 1/2 three month time frame is it's still a pretty new 539 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:56,640 relationship. Like it's still like it's AI. 540 00:33:56,640 --> 00:34:00,760 Guess what I'm saying is, it's a it's a weird, paradoxical time 541 00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:04,240 because on the one hand, it's like plenty of time to know 542 00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:07,840 whether you want to be exclusive with someone, not necessarily 543 00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:11,679 enough time to know if you feel fully safe with them. 544 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:18,600 OK, I agree. Like I, I, I would understand 545 00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:21,280 having, you know, still some, some feelings of like 546 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:25,440 butterflies or nervousness. In the beginning. 547 00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:29,120 I'm saying 2 1/2, three months still is the beginning. 548 00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,880 Yes, and especially because of that like around this 549 00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:36,400 conversation, like that's in that in particular is you're 550 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:39,360 looking at evolving to the next stage. 551 00:34:40,199 --> 00:34:43,679 So it it's just a. It's just a tricky time. 552 00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:53,600 Agreed. But I think I don't know. 553 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:57,520 I think we need to you, you need to know what what's the 554 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:01,720 difference between you being nervous or nervous about 555 00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:06,680 somebody and yeah, you know, you being excited because your 556 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:08,520 brain's not going to know it brain does not know the 557 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:10,680 difference. But you need to learn how to 558 00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:16,840 discern between the two is what I would remind people. 559 00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:20,160 So it really is about checking in with yourself. 560 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:22,400 What do you know? What else is interesting about 561 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:26,760 this letter is that very early on she says it's so easy. 562 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:30,240 And then, and this isn't even a long letter, right? 563 00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:33,640 But by the end of it she's like, I'm paranoid, I'm afraid. 564 00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:39,800 What about this is easy? Right. 565 00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:43,240 But again, write it out. I'm telling you, write this 566 00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:47,720 stuff out and go back. Thorough literary analysis. 567 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:51,320 I'm, I'm telling you, do a forensic analysis of your 568 00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:53,120 writing. Do walk away from it. 569 00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:55,760 Go back to it. What's your word choice? 570 00:35:56,240 --> 00:36:02,120 Do your emotions switch very quickly in this, whatever you 571 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:03,840 wrote? Is it disjointed? 572 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,280 Like are are you able to think clearly? 573 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:09,640 Is there clarity here? Look for all those things, 574 00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:12,800 right? Because if it doesn't seem, if 575 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:17,600 there is no clarity, if the emotions do seem to, there seems 576 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:21,200 to be this range of emotions. Pay attention to that. 577 00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,320 I'm not saying you have to immediately see it as a red 578 00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:25,960 flag, but I am saying pay attention to it. 579 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:27,360 Sure. Right. 580 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:30,480 This is how this situation, maybe not this person, but this 581 00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:34,520 situation is making you feel and you need to figure out what 582 00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:37,440 about this situation or this person is making you feel that 583 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:38,200 way. Yeah. 584 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:44,760 That's that's a $0.02. I know she's already followed 585 00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:48,280 up, but now that now that we've gotten the follow up and she's 586 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:51,200 gotten the reply, I'd be interested in another follow up 587 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:57,400 to know whether she thinks or or has confirmed even that it is 588 00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:00,000 just the illusion of choice on his part, I don't know, I 589 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:01,400 wonder. I wonder I. 590 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:03,240 Wonder if she got any kind of explanation. 591 00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:06,960 Oh, I'd, I'd like to know. That is something I'd like to 592 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:08,120 know. I'll message her and ask. 593 00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:12,880 In any case, I just feel like this guy isn't nearly as much of 594 00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:16,360 a catch as he appears at 1st and as he probably thinks he is. 595 00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:18,280 Correct. Definitely. 596 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:20,560 Correct. I just have some intuition. 597 00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:23,560 That's right, we and we know it's intuition. 598 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,960 All right, You sent me a TikTok from someone named, what's his 599 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:28,960 name, Crew Mahoney. Baby. 600 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:31,160 With a terrible, terrible mustache. 601 00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:35,200 So let's play it. Let's play it for our We're 602 00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:37,720 continuing with our Fuck That Guy Summerfest. 603 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:41,560 Nice peaceful walk today, but yet again here I am to complain 604 00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:44,520 about people not even being humans anymore. 605 00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:47,560 What are we doing? I'm walking towards this girl on 606 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:53,520 the sidewalk and God forbid we make eye contact or have any 607 00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:57,920 sort of human interaction on a how's it going kind of level. 608 00:37:58,240 --> 00:38:01,360 She's got the air pods in. She's got the sunglasses on. 609 00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:06,280 She has her phone in landscape. Folks, we have stooped to the 610 00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,760 level of having our phone in landscape like this. 611 00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:14,760 No, please tell me you're not watching a movie just to avoid 612 00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:16,880 having some sort of human interaction. 613 00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:19,960 Guys, this needs to stop. Look around, get a little bit 614 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:23,360 uncomfortable and, I don't know, say hi to a human that's four 615 00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:26,320 feet away from you. Get a little bit uncomfortable. 616 00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:29,880 Sorry, you're missing the point. It's, it's, it's ironic that you 617 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:33,920 would say that because she already is uncomfortable. 618 00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:38,760 That's why she had her earbuds in and her sunglasses on, 619 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:42,200 because she's uncomfortable walking down the street, 620 00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:45,120 probably because she's a woman. I was going to say very 621 00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:50,200 attractive, but this happens to every woman and she doesn't want 622 00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:52,960 to deal with it. Especially look just feels 623 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:57,640 entitled right to her attention. But also, look at this guy 624 00:38:57,640 --> 00:38:58,720 right? Shirtless. 625 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:03,320 The the fucking porn mustache. Shirtless. 626 00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:06,960 Sweaty. Right, that's a key detail. 627 00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:10,520 I feel like no matter what a dude looks like, if you're 628 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:13,760 without a shirt, I'm not making eye contact. 629 00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:17,520 With you, right, right. It's just I don't want to see it 630 00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,280 in your unless you're at I don't even want to see in your dating 631 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:22,200 profile. No, I don't. 632 00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:24,600 No, I don't. I don't either listen. 633 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:28,680 I don't know if this is a hot take or not, but I don't think 634 00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:33,840 men should be allowed to be shirtless in public, I said. 635 00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:36,000 We've got a couple of hot takes. Don't date addicts. 636 00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:39,000 I said why? And men, I don't think men 637 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:40,240 should be allowed to be shirtless in public. 638 00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:43,800 And I'm not even saying I think the answer is, oh, but women 639 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:46,200 could be shirtless too. No, because they would enjoy 640 00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:48,400 that, right? Right. 641 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:52,320 The solution is it's summer. We should all be uncomfortable 642 00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:58,080 with our shirts on, right? And again, like any dude without 643 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:01,800 a shirt on in public, like of course he's perceived as a 644 00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:03,160 threat. Right. 645 00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:05,600 And this is what guys don't understand, you wander. 646 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:07,640 Around like a gorilla dude right? 647 00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:12,880 King Kong mustachioed. King Kong wants to know why 648 00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:16,360 women afraid. Why King Afraid King Kong? 649 00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:19,680 Friend. But also dude, that mustache 650 00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:24,360 alone is creepy, right? And I know that's body shaming, 651 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:26,760 right? I I don't think so. 652 00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,040 It's not part of his body that he can't change. 653 00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:30,720 It's it's something he can change, correct. 654 00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:35,480 So you've got the that mustache is immediately. 655 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,040 What do you think it's? A choice. 656 00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:39,720 It's a choice. It's a porny choice. 657 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,200 Well. It's not porny like he has to 658 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:44,920 know women probably don't like it, right? 659 00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:47,920 It's a it's antagonistic. Right. 660 00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:52,040 It's almost as if, Sir, you're trying to prevent women from 661 00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:55,520 approaching you right by with that hideous mustache. 662 00:40:56,240 --> 00:41:00,360 But when you do it. Listen, I, I'm sticking by men 663 00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:02,680 should not be allowed to be shirtless in public. 664 00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:06,640 And I, I'll, you know, raise myself here. 665 00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:11,800 They also shouldn't be allowed to have mustaches without 666 00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:14,920 without written permission of at least three women. 667 00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:18,480 But also, Sir, you are not Tom Selleck. 668 00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:23,080 No, you will never be Tom Selleck, Tom. 669 00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:26,280 And that, isn't that really who he's copying? 670 00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:28,120 Because who's got a fucking? Mustache. 671 00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:31,200 Actually that you mentioned Tom Selleck, because the reason that 672 00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:36,440 I am taking umbrage with the stache in this way is because 673 00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:41,720 there's a there's a time and a place for a mustache as we've I 674 00:41:41,720 --> 00:41:46,600 think correctly identified it's in 70's porn or on 70s Tom 675 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:47,800 Selleck, right. Right. 676 00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:49,680 So, well, that was more 80s. He was more 80s. 677 00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:54,440 Well, OK, so at this point, if a man has grown a mustache, it is 678 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:56,840 it's literally to antagonize women. 679 00:41:57,720 --> 00:42:00,680 It's literally I dare you to to find me attractive. 680 00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:03,160 I want to know what listeners think. 681 00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:05,440 I think I'm gonna put a poll on Spotify. 682 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,000 Take the poll. It is. 683 00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:08,960 It is a. It is a dare. 684 00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:10,840 What do you think about this mustache? 685 00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:13,440 Not mustaches in general, This mustache OK. 686 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:15,520 You're gonna share his photo? Yeah. 687 00:42:16,240 --> 00:42:17,560 Oh, oh, shoot. Yeah. 688 00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:19,880 Maybe I shouldn't do that. What do you think about 689 00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,720 mustaches? Yeah, I mean, he put it, he put 690 00:42:21,720 --> 00:42:24,040 it out on the Internet. I feel like it's fine to reshare 691 00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:26,840 actually, but I don't. Know that I I I don't feel 692 00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,080 comfortable doing. That well, that's fine if you 693 00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:31,400 don't want to, but. But I will will ask what do you 694 00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:33,520 think about moustaches and I'll do a poll on the Patreon. 695 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:39,000 I just feel like the other thing about moustaches in 2025 is that 696 00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:41,360 they're, they're very often a joke, right? 697 00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:43,440 Men will grow a moustache, ironically. 698 00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:46,760 Right. Which again is like, oh dare you 699 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:51,320 to date me? Right it it is right. 700 00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:54,800 It is only men have the luxury of making their appearance a 701 00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:57,880 fucking joke. Right, right. 702 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:01,840 Agreed. All right, that's why mustaches 703 00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:05,080 piss me off. There we exactly all right 704 00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:09,400 follow us on Instagram at date ology pod and me at the Kristen 705 00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:14,280 MTHECHRISTANM go to dateologycoach.com to submit 706 00:43:14,280 --> 00:43:17,360 your dating questions. Follow me on TikTok and YouTube 707 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,960 at date ology coach and my character analysis. 708 00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:25,160 And if you want the behind the scenes, more vulnerable, more 709 00:43:25,160 --> 00:43:29,280 raw content like the other dating advice episodes were 710 00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:33,560 we're a little bit more not revealing, but maybe a little 711 00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:36,280 bit more vulnerable, but definitely a little bit a little 712 00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:39,440 bit snarkier. Or you want the worth the weight 713 00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:43,840 episodes, which I really like the new the description of it. 714 00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:47,720 You know, this Worth the Weight episodes are about the, it's 715 00:43:47,720 --> 00:43:51,720 about the weight that women carry in society physically, 716 00:43:51,720 --> 00:43:54,880 mentally, professionally, socially. 717 00:43:55,960 --> 00:43:59,320 To listen to those episodes, go to patreon.com/date Ology Coach. 718 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,400 Become a subscriber. You'll get the posts, you'll get 719 00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:05,800 the bonus dating advice episodes, and you'll get the 720 00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:10,000 Worth the Wait episodes. So patreon.com/date Ology Coach 721 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:15,160 Sarah final thoughts? Please convince any men you know 722 00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:17,960 not to grow a mustache and to keep their shirts on all summer 723 00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:19,480 long. Thank you, I agreed. 724 00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:22,120 I don't want to see their toes either. 725 00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:28,320 I don't. I don't want to see their toes. 726 00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:30,920 I think that's a whole new topic for another episode. 727 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:35,400 All right. Bog Witch's warlock's days. 728 00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:40,320 Value your time and decenter men and center yourself. 729 00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:41,560 Goodbye.