Did LG coach podcast? Hi, Sarah.
Hi, Crystal. Yeah, I'm a little pissed.
I'm not going to, I'm not going to lie.
Why? So Sarah, Sarah sent me an
e-mail last week, just sent me a couple and let me explain.
It was later at night and we were talking about an app called
Signal, which is for messaging. And it's just more secure.
And I, it's easier for me to send attachments because the way
my attachments get sent to her are a nightmare for her.
So she says here's, you know, this is, can you let's, let's
switch to Signal. And I reply to her and I said,
you know, I'll look into this tomorrow.
And then I get I get this e-mail about.
Let me see. Pathological demand avoidance.
Called Pathological Demand avoidance and it has to do with
ADHD. So apparently let's see what is
the ADHD cycle of avoidance. People with ADHD sometimes fall
into an avoidance cycle called Positively Balanced Cognitive
Avoidance, which may overlap with the symptoms of PDA.
It typically consists of a triggering, such a triggering
situation, an initially negative emotional response, an
excessively optimistic thought that provides short term relief,
avoidance behaviors that prevent healthy strategies to manage the
situation. Now I don't, I'm not going to go
too deep into this because I, it's obviously something I have
to, I have to do more research on.
But can you give me another example of when I do that?
Yeah, but you're not going to like it.
Oh fuck. Here we go.
Here we go.
I mean, do you do you want more examples or do you want to not
know about this writing your book, OK.
Oh yeah, I mean it. So that's PDAI.
Mean, I think it's related, obviously, obviously I think
it's related. You know, you're like I said,
you, you consider this. Yeah, I'm now looking at the
four things. Yeah, that.
Yep, writing the book does absolutely follow in this
category. Yeah, I, I mean, I'm like I
said, you, you, you just give us some thought I.
She won it. Presented this as a demand.
No, I, I see, I, I see where you're going and I am going to
look into it just because I'm starting to do more research on
my ADHD because of, because of the worth the wait podcast.
And if you haven't, this is a free episode.
So if you haven't checked this out, we do a bi weekly podcast
episode or a series called Worth the Wait where we talk about our
GLP one, our GLP one journeys as well as mental health and ADHD
and body image. And we broaden the scope a bit
just because of how discussions around ADHD and mental health.
Obviously, these go hand in hand with with these, with taking
these, these medications to lose weight.
So you can, if you want to listen to them, go to
patreon.com/dataology Coach and you can subscribe.
But I am looking more into ADHD. So this is something that I will
look into and I will start reading about it tonight and I
will give you a little report tomorrow.
How about that? Does that work for you?
You don't see there it is again. But you don't.
It's not something you need to report.
There it is again, right it's. It's not that kind of thing at
all. But I, you know what, I think it
was last week, maybe it was the week before we were talking
about me being in New York and not giving you a heads up and,
and why, right? And you were like, oh, I'm, I'm
so easy to be friends with, you said sarcastically.
Right. But like, we all have our things
right that make us challenging. And again, I'm not a
psychiatrist. It's just something that I've
observed that I wonder if you wondered if you were aware of.
No, not, not at all. Not aware of it at all.
So I, I sincerely say thank you because I'm starting.
The ADHD is new for me. So I'm starting to realize and
and and make connections. Yeah.
That I had never made connections before, so I I do.
Appreciate that. We've never talked about your
transition either from like a normal 9 to fiver to like full
time Internet person, but it could PDA be part of that?
Like, I don't know, I'm just guessing like did you decide
like I'm not, I'm I'm not going to do a, a quote UN quote normal
job because like I need to be in control of my own schedule.
I need to be in control of my own.
No, it didn't start off that way.
It didn't start off that way, but it became that way.
Yeah, it became that for sure. Interesting.
There we go. There it is again.
There it is, ladies and gentlemen.
OK, so I want to talk about, you know, I've written, I wrote a
post about it yesterday and I, and I'm, this is I, I, maybe I'm
going to sound like an asshole for saying this, but I wrote a
really vulnerable post yesterday and there was no reaction.
And I'm going to tell you like, that really hurt my feelings.
What do you mean there was no reaction?
Oh like no problems. No comments, no likes, no
nothing. You and I were talking about it.
Right, but you and I, you knew, I don't know, it's different.
It's different, OK. And you know, I wrote it about
my little trauma dumping session with Chachi BT over Sam and
Sam's the the senior Chihuahua that I've been taking care of
for five years. And we're, we're definitely
coming to the end of the road here for sure, like I would say
soonish. And there's a lot of stuff
coming up in me. I'm already starting, there's a
lot of stuff starting up with me.
And I haven't felt this kind of, and thanks to chat ChatGPT,
because ChatGPT helped me identify what I was feeling,
which is this, which is panic. It's this panic of losing this
presence, this, this source of such unconditional love and
acceptance. And because it's the, it's
really not something I've, I've felt a lot in my life, right?
Obviously I feel it with you, but I'm talking in my day-to-day
life and I've, I've noticed I, I I recognized this.
I recognized this dread and it's, I remember it from when
moon, my cat was about to die. And so I just started talking to
chat. She PT about it and I said, you
know, you know what this reminds me of and chat She PT said what
Kristen and I said, because we I've named her.
Her name is Mira Mira. You know what it is this panic
that's coming up now I I'm a disorganized.
I have a disorganized attachment style.
I'm extremely avoided. But when it becomes somebody
that I've truly let in and just become depend whose affection
and attention I've become dependent on, I turn into that
anxious. My anxious attachment is
triggered. And right now this is my anxious
attachment being triggered. And I see it because I find
myself doing whatever I can to cling to Sam.
You know, I'm constantly, constantly trying to feed her.
She hasn't eaten today yet, which she's like this, this she
she's like this. She's very, very picky.
But I'm constantly trying to feed her.
I'm constantly checking her. And that's my anxiety of just
just being afraid, being afraid that she's going, that that the
change is going to happen immediately right now.
And I'm, I'm, I'm going to lose her now, I know I'm going to
lose her in the, in the very near future.
But I realize that this is my anxious attachment style because
this is very much like dating. When you're dating somebody with
an and you have an anxious attachment style and you can
feel them pulling away, what happens?
You kind of cling harder and you start doing things to try and
double check or, or confirm their interests or their, their
feelings for you. You, you have this constant need
to have those feelings reinforced and you have to
constantly be told that they're interested, that they like you
and you're only, you're only happy or, or sated, I guess when
they contact you. And then suddenly all the the
anxiety dissipates and you're like, OK.
But it's always fleeting, right? Like the like they provide
reassurance, but then like the anxiety rises up again, right?
So it's. Right, right.
And obviously I know where this comes from, which we'll we'll
get to in a second, but when it. Comes to can I ask a question
yeah about this so the so this is only relevant to dating
obviously, but when when an anxious person is doing that
right when they're stuck in that cycle is is there any attachment
style that they could be dating for whom that sort of pattern of
behavior wouldn't just drive them away.
I guess I just I just revealed a bias.
Right. No, I understand.
And I was talking to somebody recently and we were talking
about the importance of empathy and how, you know, when they, in
their, in the course of their relationship, when things come
up and they, they talk about it. She said, you know, I'm really
lucky to be with somebody who is so empathetic.
And we talked about, you know, I said, well, what do you like?
What do you think made him empathetic that way?
And it's very similar to me. I know for me what made me this
empathetic obviously is trauma, right?
You, you learn, you learn a lot about yourself, you learn a lot
about others, you learn a lot of coping strategies.
You just, you become more introspective and attuned.
And so I think if you meet somebody with a great capacity
for empathy, and I know that's, that's rare in men, but it's
there. I think that this is one of
those situations where you can, when you're dating somebody, you
can say, listen, I have this little quirk.
You can say I I have this thing where if I feel that you're
slipping away, I might get really anxious.
And would it be OK if in those times, you know, I text you and
say, Hey, how are you doing? Or, or if I text you to see
what's up? Can you just be mindful of that?
I, I think that it's OK to talk about that stuff.
And some people will be like, sure, because some people are
also going to come into this relationship with a history of
some kind of trauma, right? They're going to come into the
relationship with some with, with a series of lived
experiences that will contribute to their ability to sympathize
and empathize for you. And if you say this to some, and
I'm not saying, hey, do this after two dates, right?
I'm, I'm not, but over time, especially once things become
consistent, I don't see anything wrong with I, I can get anxious
if I don't hear from you. And could you just be mindful of
that? So if I text you, can you try to
text me in a reasonable amount of time?
You don't have to say text me right back, but can you just be
mindful of that? And that's also a really great
way to see how empathetic is this person, because if they
just decide, yeah, I'm not going to do that and they let you be
anxious, you've just learned this person is not a good person
or this person is not for you. So I do think it's very possible
to be with somebody when you have an anxious attachment style
who will be understanding of it. But I think it needs to be
communicated. But I also think we need to be,
we need to be responsible for ourselves and we need to know,
OK, what's going to trigger me? Do I have grounding strategies
in place? And this is something that I've
been going over with ChatGPT all day about having a set of
mantras to, to carry me through or to help me with, with, you
know, knowing that that I'm going to be losing Sam and I'm,
I'm going to come up with let me see.
Let me see. For presents.
Here are a few personalized mantras just for you and Sam,
One for present. Sam is here with me now.
Her little body, her soft breath.
This is our moment and I won't miss it for soothing panic.
It hurts because I love her so deeply.
I can hold both love and fear without letting them drown me.
And that is my fear. That is my fear of not just
feeling pain because I can do pain and I can do grief.
You said this. If grief were if they were the
grief Olympics, I'd win the gold.
Yeah. It's this sensation or feeling
like I'm being swallowed by the pain.
Well, and it's the build up in the anticipation, right?
Right, right. I mean, I have to say, I don't
know if you, I don't know if this has ever crossed your mind,
but I want, I want to say it was at least like 2-3 years that you
were like, I think, I think Lucas.
I think Lucas almost, you know, was it almost.
It's almost time. It was literally like 2 years.
Yeah. Now, obviously Luca did
eventually pass. Yeah.
And and it, you know, you weren't, you weren't like it
wasn't an outrage. I'm not saying it was an
outrageous claim. And Luca was a perfectly healthy
dog. You know, she was, she was older
when you got her, obviously. Right, right.
But yeah, it was like 2 years that you were really like,
worried about it. Yes.
And I, but I think a lot of that has to do with, and I think I
know where you're going with this.
I am a fatalist. Well, I, yeah, I, I guess I just
want you to keep in mind that like you, you just can't know
like, and that, and that's what's frustrating about it is
like you don't know they're going to have days in bad,
they're going to psych you out. And this is what I was saying
about like the owners talking about the medication.
Like some days she'll have a good appetite and it'll seem
like maybe she doesn't need the stimulant, right.
Other days like it clearly. She clearly will like animals
just psych you out. Yeah, they do.
And they do have to you. Know I do have to remember that
because I, I can't tell you how many times I've I've been here,
I've been in this place of I know not eating and she seems
really kind of just sleeping it. It happens all the time.
And then the next day she rebounds and she's popping
around. I I have videos from a week ago
when we were walking or a week and a half ago and she's like
prancing and bounding up and down.
The street, I remember those. Very cute.
Right. That's my little girl.
So I very well could be psyching myself out here.
But I, like you said, I'm a fatalist.
And I think that is a, it's probably a very maladaptive
coping mechanism for me because and I and I think people with
anxious attachment and avoid an attachment do this where they
tell themselves, oh, they're just not interested anymore.
And we do it to prepare ourselves to get ahead of it so
that it doesn't swallow us. I mean, I, I have some
fatalistic tendencies as well, but I haven't, I haven't shared
this. I've been on the fence about,
about sharing this with you because I, I don't want to share
anything that's not helpful, right?
Like, I, I don't want to share anything that ends up being
counterproductive, but I'm going to take a gamble here and share
something that Kevin, you know, said to me when Kamiko was
beginning to have health troubles.
And I was really upset about it. He was like, animals know what
you're feeling. Yep.
So as much as you don't want to let go and it's going to suck
and it's going to hurt like hell as long as he's here, you being
anxious and upset about it is not making the most of your time
together, right? And in fact, it's it's probably
just making him worry about you, right?
Yeah, that again. In fact, that's what Mira said.
That's what Mira said, that what are these things?
I'm not going to say that like this won't be right out of it,
but. No, this is what Mira said.
But the overthinking and preparing while they feel
protective, can also pull you out of the moments that matter
right now. And I know you want to be
present with Sam, not lost in your head or panic.
Right. So bravo to Kevin, bravo to
Mira. Very true.
But these are I really want to stress how this mirrors when
we're dating somebody and our attachment style gets triggered.
Yeah, it does. Right.
It especially anxious attachment because we we prepare ourselves,
we start to panic, we become we start with the intrusive
thoughts and it's so critical in those moments to have a plan in
place for yourself. I'm so glad that they that I
have this now, these little mantras because it sounds crazy,
but they do help. And if you can put together some
mantras that you can go to when you're feeling triggered, when
you're feeling as though someone that you're interested in,
someone that you care about is pulling away, If you can go, go
to these, I do feel that they will give you some help May.
And, and the reason why they do that, there's, you know,
obviously a brain chemistry reason.
It redirects, right? And it helps normalize the the
brain chemistry and it helps. Lower the adrenaline and the
cortisol so that it normalizes. That's really the point of these
mantras is to help normalize the brain chemistry so that you're
not triggered anymore, right? It's you.
You redirect your focus, but it works.
It does. But I, I, I, I did, I've been,
I've been tossing this around all day and I thought this is
something I really want to talk about because of how similar it
is to when you're dating somebody and you have anxious,
an anxious attachment. Now my avoidant attachment would
be, and I think I felt this with Luca, was to not engage in to,
to not be or have as many moments of tenderness and
affection or tell myself, oh, she doesn't want that.
She doesn't. Start saying goodbye.
Yeah, it it, it again. It, it, it, it the avoidant me
will shut down. And I do feel as though, because
remember, I was way more ready than she was.
I was ready, ready, ready to say goodbye.
I knew she wasn't. And I'm really, really proud of
myself for seeing that through and waiting for her to tell me
and that my avoidant was saying put her down.
The vet said that this you could put her down and it you'd better
a month early than a month late. You know, I heard all that you
wouldn't be, you know, she you can tell that she's starting to
really decline. That was the avoided in me
saying just get this over with, Just get it over with, but I
didn't. I really, really fought against
that. And it's hard.
It's really hard when you're when you you started dating
somebody and you start really caring for somebody and letting
them in and these little these inner voices, these inner
critics start coming out, whether it's Oh my God, Oh my
God, Oh my God, they're going to leave me.
What's going to happen? Or it's, oh, you're just going
to get hurt or they're, they're, they're not worth it.
Just just walk away. Yeah, well, not to mention like
some breakups feel like deaths, you know?
Of course, of course, 100% Sorry, I was taking a little
sip. It's OK.
And it does it really it, it, it, it triggers something so
intense in me right now, but I'm going to start doing these
mantras and I'm going to start and being present, more present
because you're right. And and it, and the same thing
happens when you're dating somebody, when you're all in
your head, you're missing it. It's kind of like that line that
I love and Sex and the City when she's talking to Charlotte and
Charlotte to spill wine on her dress and at her wedding to
Harry and she's so focused on the mistakes.
And Carrie said, you're missing it.
Charlie says what she says everything.
And it's such a real moment because sometimes we focus on
the negative. That's just that's our brain.
Our brain is always, our brain is always going to try and
construct a they're going to always look for danger.
So. You want to prepare.
You want to be. Prepared.
You want to be prepared. That's what the brain does.
So you can't help it. It's sort of natural.
But when you become aware of it, you're like, wow, yeah, when I
do that, I really do. I, I really do miss out.
And I'm not saying this is going to be easy the next four to six
weeks. It won't.
It won't, but I do with Moon, I didn't have these these coping
with these coping strategies. And I definitely didn't have
them when I was in my 20s and 30s and dating because I was
just if I got triggered, it was in, it was intense.
It was a rip your chest open. You're, you're I was a walking
open wound. That's how bad it was.
And what I have to remind myself and what other people have to
remind themselves when they're feeling like someone might be
pulling away. The first thing you need to tell
yourself, and this is what I say to myself, is first and
foremost, you're going to be OK. You will be OK.
This is going to hurt like hell. But you've been here before,
You've survived it. You've built up a resilience
from it. A lot of positive came from
this. So it's natural to fear it, but
there might be some. You might benefit from it in
some way. You might learn, you might grow.
But the. Way out is through, right?
The only way out is through and you'll be able to navigate this.
And that's what people have to remind themselves of is they're
going to be OK, right? They're going to be OK.
And the next is when you're triggered, your behavior
depending, depending on how you react, how you handle this
trigger. Does it take you out of the
moment? Does it take you out of the
relationship? Does it create problems, right?
Does it, you know, are you, are you handling this trigger in a
maladaptive way that's actually fulfilling the prophecy of
pushing somebody away or making somebody say, you know what?
This isn't for me. Speaking of fulfilling the
prophecy, yes, to go back back to that for a second, you did
talk about, you know, there, there could be just an
exceptionally empathetic person on the receiving end of the
anxieties, right, of the of the anxious avoidant.
Is it, is it possible that someone could, I'm trying to
think of like I'm trying to think of what I mean, I guess is
it possible that someone may respond seemingly positively to
these anxieties, but actually in like an unhealthy way?
Like, like what I, what I mean is to go back to what I
originally asked. Like, is there anyone who
wouldn't be like just driven away by this?
And you were like, yeah, the Benny Blancos of the world,
right? Have you seen any of those?
Yes. Right.
He was talking about, he seems like a very good dude.
And he was talking about how, you know, listen, if I have to
go to a party and then a dinner and then blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah. You know, he's, he knows what
her, he knows what her insecurities are and he says do
something. To to activate them, right?
What? And he doesn't try to activate.
He doesn't try to activate them. Instead, what does he do in
between? He calls her.
Hey, I'm headed over there. I'm thinking of you.
This is a sort of. Comfort for her, right?
So refreshing. Right.
So this is what I mean. Yes, I do think those men are
out there or those women are out there 100% more women than men,
but. Well.
Right. But again, we need to be
responsible, right? You, you can't just say, hey, so
I have this little funny thing when I think you're leaving me,
I go all fucking fatal attraction and I start calling
everybody and making threats. So teehee, like, JK, no, you
need to get a handle on that, right?
You need to be at a point where, hey, so this is something that I
work through on my own, but I have some triggers.
If I text you, if could you respond in a like a a reasonable
amount of time, because if not, I'm going to worry something
happened or going to I'm going to worry something's changed and
say, I know it's not rational, but it is what it is.
Yeah, but it, but it's me. And if they're in it, they're
going to say OK, because they're not going to, like you said,
they're going to want to bring you comfort.
What is there anything to fear here?
Like, I guess, I guess like the opposite of of a Benny Blanca
would be like a narcissist, right?
Like if you if you have this conversation with a narcissist,
would it simply appeal to their vanity?
And then they would, I don't know, like they they'd speak the
comforting words at the time, but then like also still have
one foot out the door or what or whatever, right?
Could anyone respond seemingly positively?
But it could end up being disingenuous.
So you're you're asking, does does someone make themselves too
vulnerable? What if they make themselves too
vulnerable to the wrong person? Yeah, I guess so, yeah.
Here's the thing, most people are good people.
True. I might, I might talk tough
here. Most people are good people.
And as long as you're you, you react to your triggers
rationally or, you know, within reason, people are going to do
what they can to bring you comfort.
I, I believe that, But there are going to be those people that
don't that that won't. And that is a risk that we all
take. And I will say that when you're
in those situations, the narcissistic types, they're
going to be giving off red flags.
Yeah. So maybe the key is actually
something you said early, like don't have but.
That's that's the importance of that's the importance of staying
present and not being consumed by the anxiety, because if
you're consumed by the anxiety, you're going to miss stuff.
True. Not just being present for the
benefit of learning and growing and loving this person.
You want to be present, to watch, to be aware.
That's true. But like you said, you don't you
don't necessarily want to share all this on day 2 either, right?
Right. You want to wait till you're you
know, you've defined the relationship, you're, you're
exclusive or you know, on the precipice, right?
Because the narcissist or like another bad actor probably would
have gotten bored and moved on by then anyway, right?
Well, you would hope, but not necessarily.
Well, yeah, no, you would hope. Yeah, it's just the the reality
is there's always going to be people that take advantage.
What matters is how you respond. You can always, you can't focus
on them. You have to focus on yourself
and building up your resilience and staying aware and noticing
red flags and prioritizing you keeping yourself at A at a
healthy pace that you don't lose yourself in these new
relationships because that too, that is that that's another time
that we miss the signs because we lose ourselves in these
relationships. Yeah, yeah, that's, yeah.
That's a good point. Right.
That limerance though. Yeah, You think the limerance is
fun? It is not.
It's it's it's another. It's another unhealthy coping
mechanism. It's it's a it's a it's a bitch.
It is. All right, Benny Blanco, we want
to date you. We salute you, Benny.
We. Salute you, Benny Blanco.
Now I wanna we got a letter. Yeah.
And I would love for you to read it.
OK, I will read it. It says.
Hey guys, just wanted to say first how much I admire you both
and express gratitude for the podcast and how much has helped
me. And I swear, Kristen, I didn't
just make that up. Wait a minute, did she say that?
No, I'm saying that. Yeah, she said.
Yes, she said that. And now I'm saying I didn't just
make that up. It really isn't a letter.
Thank you. The letter continues.
I was wondering if you'll be able to give me some words of
encouragement or just some clear unbiased thoughts about a dating
situation I'm feeling pretty crappy about.
So here, Here it is. A man I was saying for about 6
weeks just ended things with me. He said that he thought that I
was an absolutely wonderful person.
Here we go. Here we go.
And that it's not really
reflective of his interest in me.
He said that he could tell that I needed a lot of reassurance
and emotional support, and that this was something he knew he
was unable to provide. He said that in previous
relationships this had built resentment and that he didn't
want this to happen again. Now I wonder if the women
resented him or if he resented that.
Doesn't say. But in any case, he added at the
end that he would be very open to having a friendship with me,
although he understood if I wasn't open to it, and also
noted that a friendship is not something that he usually wants
after a dating connection. Oh my.
God, yes it is. It's what he always wants
because he always does this. It's let me give you a tease.
Let me give you a taste of what it being in a relationship with
people be like. And then I'm going to pull the
rug out from under you and say I I just I'm not good enough for
you, OK? There's more.
Is there Huh, OK. A few weeks ago I noticed a drop
in his communication and then I addressed it, asking if I was
making assumptions or if I'm picking up on a vibe shift.
I like that very direct. He responded with a long message
about how he's busy training for a marathon but he wants to see
me again. So we proceed to make plans and
then hang out a couple weeks after on our date I could feel
the shift. He didn't seem as present and
felt very distant. I asked him point blank is
everything OK and he evades the question.
Ask him again later after we return to his place and he said
I'm still recovering from the marathon and I'm tired and less
present so Ioffer words of support and I let it go.
The rest of the night seems completely normal but he didn't
text me at all after I left the next day we chatted and then he
ended things and that has been that.
So I'm really struggling to see this situation clearly.
Is he actually just emotionally unavailable?
Were we not a good match? Did I sabotage this by asking
for reassurance at an inappropriate stage in the
relationship? I'm really trying to reflect
because I have come upon situations that have felt
similar and I don't want to keep repeating this.
I want to find my person. OK, so I was wondering the the
sequence of events, did he tell her that he didn't think he
could give her what she needed and then they went out?
No, it doesn't sound like that. No, I was like she went kind of,
she didn't go chronological. Chronological.
Right, we have a little flashback.
Right. So this to me sounds like
somebody who doesn't want to be with a woman who needs anything,
right. And by putting it the way he
did, of what did he say? He, he said that he could tell
that I needed a lot, a lot of reassurance and emotional
support and that this was something he knew he was unable
to provide. See, I, I would need to be
accurate here, right? Because, you know, my first, my
first knee jerk is fuck this guy, right?
But I would need to know what else was going on.
Do you think that there's any accuracy to this statement?
Were you frequently looking for reassurance?
And if so, how and why? So that my first thing to you
would be to say do, do some introspection.
Is there is there any validity to this statement?
And if you were looking for reassurance, why is that
something where you were feeling insecure or was he doing things
or behaving in a way that you felt, I don't like this.
This is this is making. This is not making me feel good.
Well, that's how it sounds to me.
It sounds like she called him out and he didn't.
He didn't like it, right? A few weeks ago, I noticed a
drop in communication. I addressed it.
Anything was wrong, but I could feel the shift.
Right. So not only did he deny anything
was wrong, he still invited her back to his place, right?
But then he's still acting weird and evasive and blames it on the
marathon. Well then don't invite her over.
Right. He just, I mean, I don't know if
they had sex, but like it sounds like he just thought like, eh,
what's more for the road? That is what it feels like,
isn't it, Ioffer? Wasn't for the.
Night seem completely normal. I think he he did a little shit
test, right? I think that for closing it on
exclusivity, you pulled away. She was like, hey, what's going
on there? And he was like, oh, I don't
like that. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Needs anything? Right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Definition to a relation.
Let's not get hysterical here. Yeah, let's not get crazy, OK?
Right. So then so then he continues to
gaslight her by like going on this incredibly disappointing
date, still like inviting her over, still being low energy and
like Eeyore about it and being like, oh, I'm tired from a
marathon again. Like if you're not, if you're
not ready to to go out, simply do not, right?
Take a nap. You know what takes less energy
than going on a date? Writing a text.
Right. Explaining why you're not on a
date. Right.
He does not want somebody who's going to call him out, and that
has a negative connotation, but it's more he doesn't want
anybody who's going to hold him accountable.
Right. That's what he.
Wants either, right? He wants maybe an ongoing
situation ship because he's happy to go with this for six
weeks. Again, you know, the letter
doesn't mention sex, but I'm, I'm, I don't know, I'm just
going to assume sex was part of it because it was, you know, six
weeks. But it really doesn't matter,
right? The the point of the matter of
the whole thing is like he was fine to string her along while
she made no demands of him. Right.
Exactly. And then the minute you made a
demand, and I have to say, well, this is a public episode, so I
won't say it, but the minute you made it, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want this.
As long as you go along and everything's cool and you're the
cool girlfriend and you sit back and you don't speak up,
everything's great. But but for him reassurance
that's just his way of trying to make you feel bad.
That's. What I mean right, just keep
athletic her. Right.
You seem to need a lot of reassurance, right?
No, she, she wants consistency, right?
Because that's what you get in a relationship you towed.
Right. But he's trying to make a lot
of. Encouragement, and this is this
has been a problem for before. Oh, oh, never, ever.
Don't ignore that you don't say. I didn't.
Yeah, like he told himself here, he sure did.
So I really again, I don't, I don't care for the behavior,
right? I don't, I don't care for the
vanishing act. And then when you called him on
it, he begrudgingly showed up again.
You had a disappointing encounter, whether it was a,
like, a full on date or you just spent the night, I don't know.
Right. And yeah, this whole, like,
what's more, what's more, for all time's sake.
And then he drops this bomb on you.
Like, I don't, I don't care for it.
He knew what he was going to do. Right, right.
But he gas lit you along the way so that you would still feel
blindsided by it. And you did.
Yeah. But next time.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
Is he actually, is he actually emotionally unavailable?
Yes. Are we just not a good match?
Absolutely yes. No.
I sabotage. Oh, sorry, yes, you're not a
good match, right? That's what I said.
Did I sabotage? No, you're not a good match.
I think we're both right. Right.
Did I sabotage the connection by asking for reassurance at an
inappropriate stage in the relationship?
Fucking lutely not. Absolutely not.
You only asked for reassurance because he was being
inconsistent, right? And if he wasn't being
inconsistent? Responded to stimuli.
Right, it's this is this is the answer to most issues.
Uh huh. She was just responding to
stimuli. Why did she do that?
Oh, why did she say that? Why did she blow up my phone?
She was responding to stimuli. Yeah, weirdly, it's not 'cause
she's crazy. Right, so he, that's what he
wanted you to feel though. He wanted you to feel as though
you did something wrong and this has something to do with some
shortcoming within you. Fuck him.
He's wrong. Fuck that guy I don't like.
That and this whole like this whole, this whole like we could
be friends though, 'cause you're like great, you're a great
person and I usually want to be friends with my ex, but you're
not like the other girls. Right, right.
Don't. Do not ignore that too.
What have we always said when they try to elevate you above
other women, that is a red flag? Yeah.
It tells you a lot. It tells you how they see women.
It tells you that he believes that women are inherently
competitive. Tells you a lot of different a
lot of things about his ideas of women.
So I don't think you should be friends with them.
I'll just say it. Yeah, don't be friends with
them. Block him.
Fuck him. Fuck that guy.
That's my answer, you know. Like, for that matter, how could
you even be friends with him, right?
Because in friendships, don't people need reassurance and
encouragement and like emotional availability?
Do I not need reassurance from you occasionally?
Are you mad at me? Are you OK with the Yeah, that's
that's relationships because especially new relationships
where you're just learning to get a read on somebody and know,
OK, it's a certain time of year and that's really stressful at
work. So he kind of turns inward a
bit, OK. That's just how he deals with
it. As long as he's not being being
passive aggressive or aggressive with you, as long as you're not
taking it on you. Everybody has their own ways of
dealing with these things, so you know, this is what we learn
about people in the early stage of a relationship.
You did nothing wrong. He sucks.
Literally nothing. Literally nothing.
I mean, it, it is unfortunate that it took six weeks for his
true colors to show. But I would venture to guess
that if you reflect on this a little more like you'll you
might remember some things that are, are like, Oh yeah, that was
also indicative of XY or Z, right?
This is like, you're not like the other girls or my ex is
crazy. You know, whatever it is,
whatever the red flags are, you'll you'll see them in
hindsight, which means you'll see them next time as they're as
they're coming up. Correct all right so remember bi
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