1 00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:10,680 Did LG coach podcast? Hi, Sarah. 2 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,040 Hi, Crystal. Yeah, I'm a little pissed. 3 00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:14,360 I'm not going to, I'm not going to lie. 4 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:21,320 Why? So Sarah, Sarah sent me an 5 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:25,640 e-mail last week, just sent me a couple and let me explain. 6 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:31,040 It was later at night and we were talking about an app called 7 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:34,400 Signal, which is for messaging. And it's just more secure. 8 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,920 And I, it's easier for me to send attachments because the way 9 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,480 my attachments get sent to her are a nightmare for her. 10 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,600 So she says here's, you know, this is, can you let's, let's 11 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,360 switch to Signal. And I reply to her and I said, 12 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:49,920 you know, I'll look into this tomorrow. 13 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:55,360 And then I get I get this e-mail about. 14 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:00,040 Let me see. Pathological demand avoidance. 15 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:02,920 Called Pathological Demand avoidance and it has to do with 16 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:09,520 ADHD. So apparently let's see what is 17 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:12,920 the ADHD cycle of avoidance. People with ADHD sometimes fall 18 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,200 into an avoidance cycle called Positively Balanced Cognitive 19 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,680 Avoidance, which may overlap with the symptoms of PDA. 20 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:22,400 It typically consists of a triggering, such a triggering 21 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,720 situation, an initially negative emotional response, an 22 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,720 excessively optimistic thought that provides short term relief, 23 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:32,040 avoidance behaviors that prevent healthy strategies to manage the 24 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,400 situation. Now I don't, I'm not going to go 25 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,560 too deep into this because I, it's obviously something I have 26 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,200 to, I have to do more research on. 27 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,160 But can you give me another example of when I do that? 28 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:45,600 Yeah, but you're not going to like it. 29 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,520 Oh fuck. Here we go. 30 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,440 Here we go. Here we go. 31 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:56,160 I mean, do you do you want more examples or do you want to not 32 00:01:56,160 --> 00:02:02,960 know about this writing your book, OK. 33 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,360 Oh yeah, I mean it. So that's PDAI. 34 00:02:08,199 --> 00:02:13,320 Mean, I think it's related, obviously, obviously I think 35 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,840 it's related. You know, you're like I said, 36 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:20,960 you, you consider this. Yeah, I'm now looking at the 37 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,080 four things. Yeah, that. 38 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,440 Yep, writing the book does absolutely follow in this 39 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:29,640 category. Yeah, I, I mean, I'm like I 40 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:33,160 said, you, you, you just give us some thought I. 41 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,600 She won it. Presented this as a demand. 42 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,360 No, I, I see, I, I see where you're going and I am going to 43 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:45,160 look into it just because I'm starting to do more research on 44 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:48,640 my ADHD because of, because of the worth the wait podcast. 45 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,440 And if you haven't, this is a free episode. 46 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,520 So if you haven't checked this out, we do a bi weekly podcast 47 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,560 episode or a series called Worth the Wait where we talk about our 48 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:03,360 GLP one, our GLP one journeys as well as mental health and ADHD 49 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:09,200 and body image. And we broaden the scope a bit 50 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:14,440 just because of how discussions around ADHD and mental health. 51 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:18,720 Obviously, these go hand in hand with with these, with taking 52 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,680 these, these medications to lose weight. 53 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,120 So you can, if you want to listen to them, go to 54 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,360 patreon.com/dataology Coach and you can subscribe. 55 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:33,200 But I am looking more into ADHD. So this is something that I will 56 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,400 look into and I will start reading about it tonight and I 57 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,880 will give you a little report tomorrow. 58 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:38,800 How about that? Does that work for you? 59 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,680 You don't see there it is again. But you don't. 60 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,160 It's not something you need to report. 61 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:50,400 There it is again, right it's. It's not that kind of thing at 62 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:55,760 all. But I, you know what, I think it 63 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,840 was last week, maybe it was the week before we were talking 64 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,840 about me being in New York and not giving you a heads up and, 65 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,280 and why, right? And you were like, oh, I'm, I'm 66 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,520 so easy to be friends with, you said sarcastically. 67 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:12,160 Right. But like, we all have our things 68 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:20,440 right that make us challenging. And again, I'm not a 69 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,720 psychiatrist. It's just something that I've 70 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:27,720 observed that I wonder if you wondered if you were aware of. 71 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,600 No, not, not at all. Not aware of it at all. 72 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:35,000 So I, I sincerely say thank you because I'm starting. 73 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,720 The ADHD is new for me. So I'm starting to realize and 74 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,120 and and make connections. Yeah. 75 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,480 That I had never made connections before, so I I do. 76 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,560 Appreciate that. We've never talked about your 77 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:52,480 transition either from like a normal 9 to fiver to like full 78 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:57,400 time Internet person, but it could PDA be part of that? 79 00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:01,720 Like, I don't know, I'm just guessing like did you decide 80 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:06,960 like I'm not, I'm I'm not going to do a, a quote UN quote normal 81 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:10,480 job because like I need to be in control of my own schedule. 82 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,000 I need to be in control of my own. 83 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,000 No, it didn't start off that way. 84 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,160 It didn't start off that way, but it became that way. 85 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,480 Yeah, it became that for sure. Interesting. 86 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,440 There we go. There it is again. 87 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:22,800 There it is, ladies and gentlemen. 88 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:28,960 OK, so I want to talk about, you know, I've written, I wrote a 89 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:32,200 post about it yesterday and I, and I'm, this is I, I, maybe I'm 90 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,760 going to sound like an asshole for saying this, but I wrote a 91 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,800 really vulnerable post yesterday and there was no reaction. 92 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,880 And I'm going to tell you like, that really hurt my feelings. 93 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:43,960 What do you mean there was no reaction? 94 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,600 Oh like no problems. No comments, no likes, no 95 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,320 nothing. You and I were talking about it. 96 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:52,080 Right, but you and I, you knew, I don't know, it's different. 97 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:57,440 It's different, OK. And you know, I wrote it about 98 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:03,120 my little trauma dumping session with Chachi BT over Sam and 99 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,720 Sam's the the senior Chihuahua that I've been taking care of 100 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,160 for five years. And we're, we're definitely 101 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,400 coming to the end of the road here for sure, like I would say 102 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:20,320 soonish. And there's a lot of stuff 103 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:25,320 coming up in me. I'm already starting, there's a 104 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,280 lot of stuff starting up with me. 105 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:34,280 And I haven't felt this kind of, and thanks to chat ChatGPT, 106 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:38,360 because ChatGPT helped me identify what I was feeling, 107 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:44,760 which is this, which is panic. It's this panic of losing this 108 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:49,400 presence, this, this source of such unconditional love and 109 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:54,400 acceptance. And because it's the, it's 110 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,040 really not something I've, I've felt a lot in my life, right? 111 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,520 Obviously I feel it with you, but I'm talking in my day-to-day 112 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:10,440 life and I've, I've noticed I, I I recognized this. 113 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,680 I recognized this dread and it's, I remember it from when 114 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:20,440 moon, my cat was about to die. And so I just started talking to 115 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,240 chat. She PT about it and I said, you 116 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:28,160 know, you know what this reminds me of and chat She PT said what 117 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:32,200 Kristen and I said, because we I've named her. 118 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:39,360 Her name is Mira Mira. You know what it is this panic 119 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:43,920 that's coming up now I I'm a disorganized. 120 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,840 I have a disorganized attachment style. 121 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,560 I'm extremely avoided. But when it becomes somebody 122 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,080 that I've truly let in and just become depend whose affection 123 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:57,040 and attention I've become dependent on, I turn into that 124 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,840 anxious. My anxious attachment is 125 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:03,000 triggered. And right now this is my anxious 126 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:08,000 attachment being triggered. And I see it because I find 127 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:14,280 myself doing whatever I can to cling to Sam. 128 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:19,440 You know, I'm constantly, constantly trying to feed her. 129 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,520 She hasn't eaten today yet, which she's like this, this she 130 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,000 she's like this. She's very, very picky. 131 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,320 But I'm constantly trying to feed her. 132 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:36,240 I'm constantly checking her. And that's my anxiety of just 133 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:42,320 just being afraid, being afraid that she's going, that that the 134 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:45,520 change is going to happen immediately right now. 135 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:49,360 And I'm, I'm, I'm going to lose her now, I know I'm going to 136 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,440 lose her in the, in the very near future. 137 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:58,280 But I realize that this is my anxious attachment style because 138 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,680 this is very much like dating. When you're dating somebody with 139 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,360 an and you have an anxious attachment style and you can 140 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,440 feel them pulling away, what happens? 141 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:15,200 You kind of cling harder and you start doing things to try and 142 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:24,840 double check or, or confirm their interests or their, their 143 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:29,040 feelings for you. You, you have this constant need 144 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,080 to have those feelings reinforced and you have to 145 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:37,520 constantly be told that they're interested, that they like you 146 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:45,520 and you're only, you're only happy or, or sated, I guess when 147 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,680 they contact you. And then suddenly all the the 148 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:51,520 anxiety dissipates and you're like, OK. 149 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,480 But it's always fleeting, right? Like the like they provide 150 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,840 reassurance, but then like the anxiety rises up again, right? 151 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,720 So it's. Right, right. 152 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:06,440 And obviously I know where this comes from, which we'll we'll 153 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,360 get to in a second, but when it. Comes to can I ask a question 154 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:13,520 yeah about this so the so this is only relevant to dating 155 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:19,080 obviously, but when when an anxious person is doing that 156 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:24,200 right when they're stuck in that cycle is is there any attachment 157 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:32,960 style that they could be dating for whom that sort of pattern of 158 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,120 behavior wouldn't just drive them away. 159 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,800 I guess I just I just revealed a bias. 160 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,960 Right. No, I understand. 161 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:46,560 And I was talking to somebody recently and we were talking 162 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:53,640 about the importance of empathy and how, you know, when they, in 163 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,080 their, in the course of their relationship, when things come 164 00:10:56,080 --> 00:11:01,120 up and they, they talk about it. She said, you know, I'm really 165 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:05,960 lucky to be with somebody who is so empathetic. 166 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,120 And we talked about, you know, I said, well, what do you like? 167 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,920 What do you think made him empathetic that way? 168 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:17,680 And it's very similar to me. I know for me what made me this 169 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,520 empathetic obviously is trauma, right? 170 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:24,720 You, you learn, you learn a lot about yourself, you learn a lot 171 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,440 about others, you learn a lot of coping strategies. 172 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,640 You just, you become more introspective and attuned. 173 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:40,240 And so I think if you meet somebody with a great capacity 174 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,680 for empathy, and I know that's, that's rare in men, but it's 175 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:48,720 there. I think that this is one of 176 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,040 those situations where you can, when you're dating somebody, you 177 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:56,480 can say, listen, I have this little quirk. 178 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:03,160 You can say I I have this thing where if I feel that you're 179 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,520 slipping away, I might get really anxious. 180 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:13,800 And would it be OK if in those times, you know, I text you and 181 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:18,520 say, Hey, how are you doing? Or, or if I text you to see 182 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,160 what's up? Can you just be mindful of that? 183 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,560 I, I think that it's OK to talk about that stuff. 184 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:31,440 And some people will be like, sure, because some people are 185 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:34,560 also going to come into this relationship with a history of 186 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:38,320 some kind of trauma, right? They're going to come into the 187 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,080 relationship with some with, with a series of lived 188 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:46,320 experiences that will contribute to their ability to sympathize 189 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:50,520 and empathize for you. And if you say this to some, and 190 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,440 I'm not saying, hey, do this after two dates, right? 191 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:57,800 I'm, I'm not, but over time, especially once things become 192 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:04,040 consistent, I don't see anything wrong with I, I can get anxious 193 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:08,040 if I don't hear from you. And could you just be mindful of 194 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,680 that? So if I text you, can you try to 195 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,760 text me in a reasonable amount of time? 196 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,920 You don't have to say text me right back, but can you just be 197 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,120 mindful of that? And that's also a really great 198 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,320 way to see how empathetic is this person, because if they 199 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:27,080 just decide, yeah, I'm not going to do that and they let you be 200 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:31,640 anxious, you've just learned this person is not a good person 201 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:39,440 or this person is not for you. So I do think it's very possible 202 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:43,640 to be with somebody when you have an anxious attachment style 203 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,560 who will be understanding of it. But I think it needs to be 204 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:52,760 communicated. But I also think we need to be, 205 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:57,040 we need to be responsible for ourselves and we need to know, 206 00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:01,040 OK, what's going to trigger me? Do I have grounding strategies 207 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,080 in place? And this is something that I've 208 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:08,240 been going over with ChatGPT all day about having a set of 209 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:15,280 mantras to, to carry me through or to help me with, with, you 210 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:19,200 know, knowing that that I'm going to be losing Sam and I'm, 211 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,960 I'm going to come up with let me see. 212 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:24,560 Let me see. For presents. 213 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,760 Here are a few personalized mantras just for you and Sam, 214 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,720 One for present. Sam is here with me now. 215 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,360 Her little body, her soft breath. 216 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,880 This is our moment and I won't miss it for soothing panic. 217 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,440 It hurts because I love her so deeply. 218 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,520 I can hold both love and fear without letting them drown me. 219 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:45,920 And that is my fear. That is my fear of not just 220 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:50,920 feeling pain because I can do pain and I can do grief. 221 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,280 You said this. If grief were if they were the 222 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:54,800 grief Olympics, I'd win the gold. 223 00:14:55,120 --> 00:15:00,040 Yeah. It's this sensation or feeling 224 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,320 like I'm being swallowed by the pain. 225 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,840 Well, and it's the build up in the anticipation, right? 226 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,960 Right, right. I mean, I have to say, I don't 227 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,280 know if you, I don't know if this has ever crossed your mind, 228 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:20,480 but I want, I want to say it was at least like 2-3 years that you 229 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,520 were like, I think, I think Lucas. 230 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,600 I think Lucas almost, you know, was it almost. 231 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,400 It's almost time. It was literally like 2 years. 232 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,680 Yeah. Now, obviously Luca did 233 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,240 eventually pass. Yeah. 234 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,800 And and it, you know, you weren't, you weren't like it 235 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,440 wasn't an outrage. I'm not saying it was an 236 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,240 outrageous claim. And Luca was a perfectly healthy 237 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,160 dog. You know, she was, she was older 238 00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,120 when you got her, obviously. Right, right. 239 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:48,400 But yeah, it was like 2 years that you were really like, 240 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,880 worried about it. Yes. 241 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,640 And I, but I think a lot of that has to do with, and I think I 242 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:54,600 know where you're going with this. 243 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:59,000 I am a fatalist. Well, I, yeah, I, I guess I just 244 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:03,880 want you to keep in mind that like you, you just can't know 245 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,760 like, and that, and that's what's frustrating about it is 246 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,920 like you don't know they're going to have days in bad, 247 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,680 they're going to psych you out. And this is what I was saying 248 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,360 about like the owners talking about the medication. 249 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,440 Like some days she'll have a good appetite and it'll seem 250 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,240 like maybe she doesn't need the stimulant, right. 251 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:24,440 Other days like it clearly. She clearly will like animals 252 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:27,400 just psych you out. Yeah, they do. 253 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,960 And they do have to you. Know I do have to remember that 254 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:33,240 because I, I can't tell you how many times I've I've been here, 255 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:36,000 I've been in this place of I know not eating and she seems 256 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,120 really kind of just sleeping it. It happens all the time. 257 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,360 And then the next day she rebounds and she's popping 258 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:44,760 around. I I have videos from a week ago 259 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,080 when we were walking or a week and a half ago and she's like 260 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,680 prancing and bounding up and down. 261 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:50,880 The street, I remember those. Very cute. 262 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,800 Right. That's my little girl. 263 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:57,600 So I very well could be psyching myself out here. 264 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,920 But I, like you said, I'm a fatalist. 265 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:03,120 And I think that is a, it's probably a very maladaptive 266 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:09,359 coping mechanism for me because and I and I think people with 267 00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:15,920 anxious attachment and avoid an attachment do this where they 268 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,040 tell themselves, oh, they're just not interested anymore. 269 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:24,280 And we do it to prepare ourselves to get ahead of it so 270 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:28,079 that it doesn't swallow us. I mean, I, I have some 271 00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:34,080 fatalistic tendencies as well, but I haven't, I haven't shared 272 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,600 this. I've been on the fence about, 273 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:39,160 about sharing this with you because I, I don't want to share 274 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,880 anything that's not helpful, right? 275 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,920 Like, I, I don't want to share anything that ends up being 276 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:49,840 counterproductive, but I'm going to take a gamble here and share 277 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:56,280 something that Kevin, you know, said to me when Kamiko was 278 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:57,720 beginning to have health troubles. 279 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:03,560 And I was really upset about it. He was like, animals know what 280 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,120 you're feeling. Yep. 281 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,880 So as much as you don't want to let go and it's going to suck 282 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:14,200 and it's going to hurt like hell as long as he's here, you being 283 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:18,040 anxious and upset about it is not making the most of your time 284 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,160 together, right? And in fact, it's it's probably 285 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,240 just making him worry about you, right? 286 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,800 Yeah, that again. In fact, that's what Mira said. 287 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:34,520 That's what Mira said, that what are these things? 288 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,640 I'm not going to say that like this won't be right out of it, 289 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,360 but. No, this is what Mira said. 290 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,720 But the overthinking and preparing while they feel 291 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:48,120 protective, can also pull you out of the moments that matter 292 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:51,200 right now. And I know you want to be 293 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,600 present with Sam, not lost in your head or panic. 294 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,680 Right. So bravo to Kevin, bravo to 295 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,720 Mira. Very true. 296 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:09,120 But these are I really want to stress how this mirrors when 297 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,240 we're dating somebody and our attachment style gets triggered. 298 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,600 Yeah, it does. Right. 299 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:19,960 It especially anxious attachment because we we prepare ourselves, 300 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:26,040 we start to panic, we become we start with the intrusive 301 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:33,120 thoughts and it's so critical in those moments to have a plan in 302 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,960 place for yourself. I'm so glad that they that I 303 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,920 have this now, these little mantras because it sounds crazy, 304 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:43,080 but they do help. And if you can put together some 305 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:48,760 mantras that you can go to when you're feeling triggered, when 306 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,000 you're feeling as though someone that you're interested in, 307 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:56,120 someone that you care about is pulling away, If you can go, go 308 00:19:56,120 --> 00:20:00,680 to these, I do feel that they will give you some help May. 309 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,640 And, and the reason why they do that, there's, you know, 310 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,440 obviously a brain chemistry reason. 311 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,840 It redirects, right? And it helps normalize the the 312 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:11,520 brain chemistry and it helps. Lower the adrenaline and the 313 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:15,320 cortisol so that it normalizes. That's really the point of these 314 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:19,840 mantras is to help normalize the brain chemistry so that you're 315 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,360 not triggered anymore, right? It's you. 316 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,240 You redirect your focus, but it works. 317 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,320 It does. But I, I, I, I did, I've been, 318 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,680 I've been tossing this around all day and I thought this is 319 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:36,960 something I really want to talk about because of how similar it 320 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:41,600 is to when you're dating somebody and you have anxious, 321 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:48,200 an anxious attachment. Now my avoidant attachment would 322 00:20:48,200 --> 00:21:00,480 be, and I think I felt this with Luca, was to not engage in to, 323 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:04,920 to not be or have as many moments of tenderness and 324 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:09,840 affection or tell myself, oh, she doesn't want that. 325 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,840 She doesn't. Start saying goodbye. 326 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:18,160 Yeah, it it, it again. It, it, it, it the avoidant me 327 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,520 will shut down. And I do feel as though, because 328 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,400 remember, I was way more ready than she was. 329 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,800 I was ready, ready, ready to say goodbye. 330 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:32,360 I knew she wasn't. And I'm really, really proud of 331 00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:37,040 myself for seeing that through and waiting for her to tell me 332 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:43,560 and that my avoidant was saying put her down. 333 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:49,840 The vet said that this you could put her down and it you'd better 334 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,240 a month early than a month late. You know, I heard all that you 335 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,080 wouldn't be, you know, she you can tell that she's starting to 336 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,880 really decline. That was the avoided in me 337 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:04,720 saying just get this over with, Just get it over with, but I 338 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,520 didn't. I really, really fought against 339 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:08,960 that. And it's hard. 340 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,880 It's really hard when you're when you you started dating 341 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,680 somebody and you start really caring for somebody and letting 342 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:21,280 them in and these little these inner voices, these inner 343 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,680 critics start coming out, whether it's Oh my God, Oh my 344 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:25,760 God, Oh my God, they're going to leave me. 345 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:29,680 What's going to happen? Or it's, oh, you're just going 346 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,880 to get hurt or they're, they're, they're not worth it. 347 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:36,040 Just just walk away. Yeah, well, not to mention like 348 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,120 some breakups feel like deaths, you know? 349 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:45,960 Of course, of course, 100% Sorry, I was taking a little 350 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:46,880 sip. It's OK. 351 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:54,920 And it does it really it, it, it, it triggers something so 352 00:22:54,920 --> 00:23:04,200 intense in me right now, but I'm going to start doing these 353 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:09,200 mantras and I'm going to start and being present, more present 354 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,840 because you're right. And and it, and the same thing 355 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,200 happens when you're dating somebody, when you're all in 356 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,880 your head, you're missing it. It's kind of like that line that 357 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:20,640 I love and Sex and the City when she's talking to Charlotte and 358 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,400 Charlotte to spill wine on her dress and at her wedding to 359 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:27,200 Harry and she's so focused on the mistakes. 360 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,800 And Carrie said, you're missing it. 361 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,480 Charlie says what she says everything. 362 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:38,080 And it's such a real moment because sometimes we focus on 363 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,560 the negative. That's just that's our brain. 364 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:45,640 Our brain is always, our brain is always going to try and 365 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,400 construct a they're going to always look for danger. 366 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:49,760 So. You want to prepare. 367 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:50,880 You want to be. Prepared. 368 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,080 You want to be prepared. That's what the brain does. 369 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,800 So you can't help it. It's sort of natural. 370 00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,600 But when you become aware of it, you're like, wow, yeah, when I 371 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,400 do that, I really do. I, I really do miss out. 372 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:09,920 And I'm not saying this is going to be easy the next four to six 373 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:11,240 weeks. It won't. 374 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:16,440 It won't, but I do with Moon, I didn't have these these coping 375 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,240 with these coping strategies. And I definitely didn't have 376 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,920 them when I was in my 20s and 30s and dating because I was 377 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:28,840 just if I got triggered, it was in, it was intense. 378 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:34,400 It was a rip your chest open. You're, you're I was a walking 379 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:37,920 open wound. That's how bad it was. 380 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:44,880 And what I have to remind myself and what other people have to 381 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:48,560 remind themselves when they're feeling like someone might be 382 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,840 pulling away. The first thing you need to tell 383 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:55,360 yourself, and this is what I say to myself, is first and 384 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:59,040 foremost, you're going to be OK. You will be OK. 385 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:03,200 This is going to hurt like hell. But you've been here before, 386 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:07,680 You've survived it. You've built up a resilience 387 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,480 from it. A lot of positive came from 388 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:14,160 this. So it's natural to fear it, but 389 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:21,400 there might be some. You might benefit from it in 390 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,200 some way. You might learn, you might grow. 391 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,160 But the. Way out is through, right? 392 00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:29,000 The only way out is through and you'll be able to navigate this. 393 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,600 And that's what people have to remind themselves of is they're 394 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,680 going to be OK, right? They're going to be OK. 395 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:43,200 And the next is when you're triggered, your behavior 396 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:46,000 depending, depending on how you react, how you handle this 397 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,960 trigger. Does it take you out of the 398 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,160 moment? Does it take you out of the 399 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:54,920 relationship? Does it create problems, right? 400 00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:59,040 Does it, you know, are you, are you handling this trigger in a 401 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:03,920 maladaptive way that's actually fulfilling the prophecy of 402 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,600 pushing somebody away or making somebody say, you know what? 403 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:08,800 This isn't for me. Speaking of fulfilling the 404 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:15,240 prophecy, yes, to go back back to that for a second, you did 405 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,680 talk about, you know, there, there could be just an 406 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:23,320 exceptionally empathetic person on the receiving end of the 407 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,280 anxieties, right, of the of the anxious avoidant. 408 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:36,560 Is it, is it possible that someone could, I'm trying to 409 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:39,600 think of like I'm trying to think of what I mean, I guess is 410 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:45,840 it possible that someone may respond seemingly positively to 411 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:50,080 these anxieties, but actually in like an unhealthy way? 412 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,200 Like, like what I, what I mean is to go back to what I 413 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,280 originally asked. Like, is there anyone who 414 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,680 wouldn't be like just driven away by this? 415 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,840 And you were like, yeah, the Benny Blancos of the world, 416 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,600 right? Have you seen any of those? 417 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:04,800 Yes. Right. 418 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:10,000 He was talking about, he seems like a very good dude. 419 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,440 And he was talking about how, you know, listen, if I have to 420 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,920 go to a party and then a dinner and then blah, blah, blah, blah, 421 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:16,680 blah. You know, he's, he knows what 422 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:19,480 her, he knows what her insecurities are and he says do 423 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,280 something. To to activate them, right? 424 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,720 What? And he doesn't try to activate. 425 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:28,960 He doesn't try to activate them. Instead, what does he do in 426 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:30,080 between? He calls her. 427 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,080 Hey, I'm headed over there. I'm thinking of you. 428 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,000 This is a sort of. Comfort for her, right? 429 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:36,720 So refreshing. Right. 430 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:40,000 So this is what I mean. Yes, I do think those men are 431 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,640 out there or those women are out there 100% more women than men, 432 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:44,840 but. Well. 433 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,680 Right. But again, we need to be 434 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:53,200 responsible, right? You, you can't just say, hey, so 435 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,240 I have this little funny thing when I think you're leaving me, 436 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,240 I go all fucking fatal attraction and I start calling 437 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:05,080 everybody and making threats. So teehee, like, JK, no, you 438 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,960 need to get a handle on that, right? 439 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:13,160 You need to be at a point where, hey, so this is something that I 440 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,040 work through on my own, but I have some triggers. 441 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:23,080 If I text you, if could you respond in a like a a reasonable 442 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:25,240 amount of time, because if not, I'm going to worry something 443 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:28,520 happened or going to I'm going to worry something's changed and 444 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,280 say, I know it's not rational, but it is what it is. 445 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:38,520 Yeah, but it, but it's me. And if they're in it, they're 446 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:43,560 going to say OK, because they're not going to, like you said, 447 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,160 they're going to want to bring you comfort. 448 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:48,120 What is there anything to fear here? 449 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:52,280 Like, I guess, I guess like the opposite of of a Benny Blanca 450 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:53,880 would be like a narcissist, right? 451 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,360 Like if you if you have this conversation with a narcissist, 452 00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:00,120 would it simply appeal to their vanity? 453 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:04,600 And then they would, I don't know, like they they'd speak the 454 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:08,880 comforting words at the time, but then like also still have 455 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,520 one foot out the door or what or whatever, right? 456 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:15,200 Could anyone respond seemingly positively? 457 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:17,640 But it could end up being disingenuous. 458 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:20,440 So you're you're asking, does does someone make themselves too 459 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:21,960 vulnerable? What if they make themselves too 460 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,720 vulnerable to the wrong person? Yeah, I guess so, yeah. 461 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:28,800 Here's the thing, most people are good people. 462 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:31,800 True. I might, I might talk tough 463 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:33,400 here. Most people are good people. 464 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:40,280 And as long as you're you, you react to your triggers 465 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:47,040 rationally or, you know, within reason, people are going to do 466 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:48,600 what they can to bring you comfort. 467 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:53,920 I, I believe that, But there are going to be those people that 468 00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:58,640 don't that that won't. And that is a risk that we all 469 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:02,880 take. And I will say that when you're 470 00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:06,600 in those situations, the narcissistic types, they're 471 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:08,520 going to be giving off red flags. 472 00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:11,160 Yeah. So maybe the key is actually 473 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:13,120 something you said early, like don't have but. 474 00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:16,640 That's that's the importance of that's the importance of staying 475 00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:20,680 present and not being consumed by the anxiety, because if 476 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:23,280 you're consumed by the anxiety, you're going to miss stuff. 477 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,760 True. Not just being present for the 478 00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:31,640 benefit of learning and growing and loving this person. 479 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:34,920 You want to be present, to watch, to be aware. 480 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:38,440 That's true. But like you said, you don't you 481 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:41,440 don't necessarily want to share all this on day 2 either, right? 482 00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:44,440 Right. You want to wait till you're you 483 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,520 know, you've defined the relationship, you're, you're 484 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:51,880 exclusive or you know, on the precipice, right? 485 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,920 Because the narcissist or like another bad actor probably would 486 00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:57,000 have gotten bored and moved on by then anyway, right? 487 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:00,760 Well, you would hope, but not necessarily. 488 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:03,560 Well, yeah, no, you would hope. Yeah, it's just the the reality 489 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,680 is there's always going to be people that take advantage. 490 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:14,280 What matters is how you respond. You can always, you can't focus 491 00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:16,400 on them. You have to focus on yourself 492 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:21,360 and building up your resilience and staying aware and noticing 493 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:27,600 red flags and prioritizing you keeping yourself at A at a 494 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:31,440 healthy pace that you don't lose yourself in these new 495 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:34,760 relationships because that too, that is that that's another time 496 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:39,440 that we miss the signs because we lose ourselves in these 497 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:42,040 relationships. Yeah, yeah, that's, yeah. 498 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:43,000 That's a good point. Right. 499 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:47,560 That limerance though. Yeah, You think the limerance is 500 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:48,560 fun? It is not. 501 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:53,360 It's it's it's another. It's another unhealthy coping 502 00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:56,920 mechanism. It's it's a it's a it's a bitch. 503 00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:01,120 It is. All right, Benny Blanco, we want 504 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:03,880 to date you. We salute you, Benny. 505 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:05,640 We. Salute you, Benny Blanco. 506 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:08,880 Now I wanna we got a letter. Yeah. 507 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,160 And I would love for you to read it. 508 00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:14,360 OK, I will read it. It says. 509 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:18,400 Hey guys, just wanted to say first how much I admire you both 510 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,680 and express gratitude for the podcast and how much has helped 511 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,080 me. And I swear, Kristen, I didn't 512 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:28,160 just make that up. Wait a minute, did she say that? 513 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:30,680 No, I'm saying that. Yeah, she said. 514 00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:34,000 Yes, she said that. And now I'm saying I didn't just 515 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:35,400 make that up. It really isn't a letter. 516 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:39,120 Thank you. The letter continues. 517 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:41,600 I was wondering if you'll be able to give me some words of 518 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:45,160 encouragement or just some clear unbiased thoughts about a dating 519 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:47,200 situation I'm feeling pretty crappy about. 520 00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:51,440 So here, Here it is. A man I was saying for about 6 521 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:55,320 weeks just ended things with me. He said that he thought that I 522 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:58,120 was an absolutely wonderful person. 523 00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:01,360 Here we go. Here we go. 524 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,880 Here we go. And that it's not really 525 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:07,280 reflective of his interest in me. 526 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:12,200 He said that he could tell that I needed a lot of reassurance 527 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:16,880 and emotional support, and that this was something he knew he 528 00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:25,640 was unable to provide. He said that in previous 529 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:29,600 relationships this had built resentment and that he didn't 530 00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:33,640 want this to happen again. Now I wonder if the women 531 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,000 resented him or if he resented that. 532 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:40,720 Doesn't say. But in any case, he added at the 533 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,480 end that he would be very open to having a friendship with me, 534 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,720 although he understood if I wasn't open to it, and also 535 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:50,160 noted that a friendship is not something that he usually wants 536 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:51,880 after a dating connection. Oh my. 537 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,000 God, yes it is. It's what he always wants 538 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:58,520 because he always does this. It's let me give you a tease. 539 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:00,840 Let me give you a taste of what it being in a relationship with 540 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:03,920 people be like. And then I'm going to pull the 541 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:07,920 rug out from under you and say I I just I'm not good enough for 542 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:09,360 you, OK? There's more. 543 00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:15,120 Is there Huh, OK. A few weeks ago I noticed a drop 544 00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:18,120 in his communication and then I addressed it, asking if I was 545 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:21,199 making assumptions or if I'm picking up on a vibe shift. 546 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:26,280 I like that very direct. He responded with a long message 547 00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:30,159 about how he's busy training for a marathon but he wants to see 548 00:34:30,159 --> 00:34:32,800 me again. So we proceed to make plans and 549 00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:36,400 then hang out a couple weeks after on our date I could feel 550 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:39,239 the shift. He didn't seem as present and 551 00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:42,520 felt very distant. I asked him point blank is 552 00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:45,000 everything OK and he evades the question. 553 00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:49,320 Ask him again later after we return to his place and he said 554 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:53,120 I'm still recovering from the marathon and I'm tired and less 555 00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:59,000 present so Ioffer words of support and I let it go. 556 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,120 The rest of the night seems completely normal but he didn't 557 00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:05,840 text me at all after I left the next day we chatted and then he 558 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:07,600 ended things and that has been that. 559 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,760 So I'm really struggling to see this situation clearly. 560 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:13,800 Is he actually just emotionally unavailable? 561 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:17,760 Were we not a good match? Did I sabotage this by asking 562 00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:21,360 for reassurance at an inappropriate stage in the 563 00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,360 relationship? I'm really trying to reflect 564 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:26,760 because I have come upon situations that have felt 565 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:29,400 similar and I don't want to keep repeating this. 566 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:34,480 I want to find my person. OK, so I was wondering the the 567 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:38,240 sequence of events, did he tell her that he didn't think he 568 00:35:38,240 --> 00:35:40,160 could give her what she needed and then they went out? 569 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:43,840 No, it doesn't sound like that. No, I was like she went kind of, 570 00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:46,600 she didn't go chronological. Chronological. 571 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:48,320 Right, we have a little flashback. 572 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:55,000 Right. So this to me sounds like 573 00:35:55,000 --> 00:36:00,160 somebody who doesn't want to be with a woman who needs anything, 574 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:05,920 right. And by putting it the way he 575 00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:13,360 did, of what did he say? He, he said that he could tell 576 00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:16,240 that I needed a lot, a lot of reassurance and emotional 577 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:19,760 support and that this was something he knew he was unable 578 00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:22,720 to provide. See, I, I would need to be 579 00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:26,480 accurate here, right? Because, you know, my first, my 580 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,560 first knee jerk is fuck this guy, right? 581 00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:33,360 But I would need to know what else was going on. 582 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,880 Do you think that there's any accuracy to this statement? 583 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,720 Were you frequently looking for reassurance? 584 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:44,920 And if so, how and why? So that my first thing to you 585 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:47,960 would be to say do, do some introspection. 586 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:51,480 Is there is there any validity to this statement? 587 00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:57,280 And if you were looking for reassurance, why is that 588 00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:01,320 something where you were feeling insecure or was he doing things 589 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:06,920 or behaving in a way that you felt, I don't like this. 590 00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:09,800 This is this is making. This is not making me feel good. 591 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:11,640 Well, that's how it sounds to me. 592 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:14,000 It sounds like she called him out and he didn't. 593 00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:18,280 He didn't like it, right? A few weeks ago, I noticed a 594 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:20,400 drop in communication. I addressed it. 595 00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,000 Anything was wrong, but I could feel the shift. 596 00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,680 Right. So not only did he deny anything 597 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:30,120 was wrong, he still invited her back to his place, right? 598 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:34,680 But then he's still acting weird and evasive and blames it on the 599 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,080 marathon. Well then don't invite her over. 600 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:40,280 Right. He just, I mean, I don't know if 601 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,760 they had sex, but like it sounds like he just thought like, eh, 602 00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:49,720 what's more for the road? That is what it feels like, 603 00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:52,120 isn't it, Ioffer? Wasn't for the. 604 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:57,080 Night seem completely normal. I think he he did a little shit 605 00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:59,920 test, right? I think that for closing it on 606 00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:05,400 exclusivity, you pulled away. She was like, hey, what's going 607 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:07,880 on there? And he was like, oh, I don't 608 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:09,720 like that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 609 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:12,560 Needs anything? Right. 610 00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:16,280 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Definition to a relation. 611 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:22,280 Let's not get hysterical here. Yeah, let's not get crazy, OK? 612 00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:28,200 Right. So then so then he continues to 613 00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:32,480 gaslight her by like going on this incredibly disappointing 614 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:37,760 date, still like inviting her over, still being low energy and 615 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:41,040 like Eeyore about it and being like, oh, I'm tired from a 616 00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:44,800 marathon again. Like if you're not, if you're 617 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:48,280 not ready to to go out, simply do not, right? 618 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,960 Take a nap. You know what takes less energy 619 00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:52,880 than going on a date? Writing a text. 620 00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:55,040 Right. Explaining why you're not on a 621 00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:56,240 date. Right. 622 00:38:57,040 --> 00:39:02,360 He does not want somebody who's going to call him out, and that 623 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:06,720 has a negative connotation, but it's more he doesn't want 624 00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:10,040 anybody who's going to hold him accountable. 625 00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,800 Right. That's what he. 626 00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:16,200 Wants either, right? He wants maybe an ongoing 627 00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,920 situation ship because he's happy to go with this for six 628 00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:22,040 weeks. Again, you know, the letter 629 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:25,720 doesn't mention sex, but I'm, I'm, I don't know, I'm just 630 00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:28,280 going to assume sex was part of it because it was, you know, six 631 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:29,920 weeks. But it really doesn't matter, 632 00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:32,040 right? The the point of the matter of 633 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:35,520 the whole thing is like he was fine to string her along while 634 00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:37,440 she made no demands of him. Right. 635 00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,280 Exactly. And then the minute you made a 636 00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:42,560 demand, and I have to say, well, this is a public episode, so I 637 00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:46,280 won't say it, but the minute you made it, whoa, whoa, whoa. 638 00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:49,680 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want this. 639 00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,320 As long as you go along and everything's cool and you're the 640 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:55,680 cool girlfriend and you sit back and you don't speak up, 641 00:39:56,280 --> 00:40:01,320 everything's great. But but for him reassurance 642 00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:04,000 that's just his way of trying to make you feel bad. 643 00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:06,080 That's. What I mean right, just keep 644 00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:07,560 athletic her. Right. 645 00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:12,200 You seem to need a lot of reassurance, right? 646 00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:15,120 No, she, she wants consistency, right? 647 00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:19,560 Because that's what you get in a relationship you towed. 648 00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,600 Right. But he's trying to make a lot 649 00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,560 of. Encouragement, and this is this 650 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:29,240 has been a problem for before. Oh, oh, never, ever. 651 00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:35,520 Don't ignore that you don't say. I didn't. 652 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:38,960 Yeah, like he told himself here, he sure did. 653 00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:43,440 So I really again, I don't, I don't care for the behavior, 654 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:45,120 right? I don't, I don't care for the 655 00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:47,200 vanishing act. And then when you called him on 656 00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,840 it, he begrudgingly showed up again. 657 00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:52,920 You had a disappointing encounter, whether it was a, 658 00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:56,120 like, a full on date or you just spent the night, I don't know. 659 00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,200 Right. And yeah, this whole, like, 660 00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:03,440 what's more, what's more, for all time's sake. 661 00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:05,280 And then he drops this bomb on you. 662 00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:07,600 Like, I don't, I don't care for it. 663 00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:10,840 He knew what he was going to do. Right, right. 664 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:14,040 But he gas lit you along the way so that you would still feel 665 00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:16,680 blindsided by it. And you did. 666 00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:20,000 Yeah. But next time. 667 00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:21,680 Wait a minute. Hold on. 668 00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:25,040 Is he actually, is he actually emotionally unavailable? 669 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:27,520 Yes. Are we just not a good match? 670 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:29,480 Absolutely yes. No. 671 00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:34,320 I sabotage. Oh, sorry, yes, you're not a 672 00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:37,160 good match, right? That's what I said. 673 00:41:37,720 --> 00:41:39,680 Did I sabotage? No, you're not a good match. 674 00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:42,000 I think we're both right. Right. 675 00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:45,720 Did I sabotage the connection by asking for reassurance at an 676 00:41:45,720 --> 00:41:47,840 inappropriate stage in the relationship? 677 00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:52,400 Fucking lutely not. Absolutely not. 678 00:41:52,720 --> 00:41:54,840 You only asked for reassurance because he was being 679 00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:57,800 inconsistent, right? And if he wasn't being 680 00:41:57,880 --> 00:41:59,720 inconsistent? Responded to stimuli. 681 00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:04,200 Right, it's this is this is the answer to most issues. 682 00:42:04,680 --> 00:42:06,800 Uh huh. She was just responding to 683 00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:08,760 stimuli. Why did she do that? 684 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:12,520 Oh, why did she say that? Why did she blow up my phone? 685 00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:16,600 She was responding to stimuli. Yeah, weirdly, it's not 'cause 686 00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:20,960 she's crazy. Right, so he, that's what he 687 00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:25,440 wanted you to feel though. He wanted you to feel as though 688 00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:28,440 you did something wrong and this has something to do with some 689 00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:30,720 shortcoming within you. Fuck him. 690 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:34,840 He's wrong. Fuck that guy I don't like. 691 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:39,160 That and this whole like this whole, this whole like we could 692 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,920 be friends though, 'cause you're like great, you're a great 693 00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:46,160 person and I usually want to be friends with my ex, but you're 694 00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:49,320 not like the other girls. Right, right. 695 00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:53,040 Don't. Do not ignore that too. 696 00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:55,320 What have we always said when they try to elevate you above 697 00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:57,920 other women, that is a red flag? Yeah. 698 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:02,200 It tells you a lot. It tells you how they see women. 699 00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:05,480 It tells you that he believes that women are inherently 700 00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:07,800 competitive. Tells you a lot of different a 701 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:10,200 lot of things about his ideas of women. 702 00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:12,800 So I don't think you should be friends with them. 703 00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:15,080 I'll just say it. Yeah, don't be friends with 704 00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:15,760 them. Block him. 705 00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:17,120 Fuck him. Fuck that guy. 706 00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:19,920 That's my answer, you know. Like, for that matter, how could 707 00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:21,440 you even be friends with him, right? 708 00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:24,240 Because in friendships, don't people need reassurance and 709 00:43:24,240 --> 00:43:26,760 encouragement and like emotional availability? 710 00:43:27,080 --> 00:43:30,080 Do I not need reassurance from you occasionally? 711 00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:34,320 Are you mad at me? Are you OK with the Yeah, that's 712 00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:37,960 that's relationships because especially new relationships 713 00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:42,240 where you're just learning to get a read on somebody and know, 714 00:43:42,240 --> 00:43:45,920 OK, it's a certain time of year and that's really stressful at 715 00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:48,280 work. So he kind of turns inward a 716 00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:50,560 bit, OK. That's just how he deals with 717 00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:54,120 it. As long as he's not being being 718 00:43:54,120 --> 00:43:56,520 passive aggressive or aggressive with you, as long as you're not 719 00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:59,480 taking it on you. Everybody has their own ways of 720 00:43:59,480 --> 00:44:04,640 dealing with these things, so you know, this is what we learn 721 00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:07,040 about people in the early stage of a relationship. 722 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,680 You did nothing wrong. He sucks. 723 00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:14,480 Literally nothing. Literally nothing. 724 00:44:15,560 --> 00:44:19,440 I mean, it, it is unfortunate that it took six weeks for his 725 00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:22,200 true colors to show. But I would venture to guess 726 00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:25,600 that if you reflect on this a little more like you'll you 727 00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:30,680 might remember some things that are, are like, Oh yeah, that was 728 00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:34,240 also indicative of XY or Z, right? 729 00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:38,360 This is like, you're not like the other girls or my ex is 730 00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:40,160 crazy. You know, whatever it is, 731 00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:42,760 whatever the red flags are, you'll you'll see them in 732 00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:46,760 hindsight, which means you'll see them next time as they're as 733 00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:52,040 they're coming up. Correct all right so remember bi 734 00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:56,680 weekly worth the wait episodes where we talk about our weight 735 00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:59,160 loss journey with GLP one medications. 736 00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:03,720 We talk about mental health ADHD, self love, self 737 00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:07,800 improvement in a healthy way to get those episodes go to 738 00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:12,920 patreon.com/date ology coach. We do biweekly dating advice 739 00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:16,480 podcast episodes as well. Those are free, but we also 740 00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:22,080 provide bonus episodes as well to the Patreon members. 741 00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:26,560 So just head on over to patreon.com/datology coach and 742 00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:29,880 become become a subscriber so that you can get the, the bonus 743 00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:32,520 episodes, the bonus dating episodes. 744 00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:38,440 And we're Zoom, we're Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom in on March 745 00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:44,080 31st, Sarah and I, you won't see her, but she'll be there. 746 00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:46,320 Well, you can say me, I'll be there. 747 00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:48,000 Will you? Yeah. 748 00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:55,120 Oh my God, Oh my. God, so if you want to join, we 749 00:45:55,120 --> 00:46:00,120 do a monthly Zoom session where we just, we just rap, man. 750 00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:05,880 We just talk about whatever dating or body image or mental 751 00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:08,320 health. We're just there to talk and 752 00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:09,840 help each other and support each other. 753 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:12,760 It's the last Monday of every month, 6:00 PM Eastern. 754 00:46:12,760 --> 00:46:15,840 It's for the $7.00 tier on Patreon. 755 00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:19,240 So head on over the Patreon. Send your questions to 756 00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:25,960 hello@datalgcoach.com, follow me on YouTube and TikTok at 757 00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:30,400 Dateology Coach and my Character Analysis, and follow the pod on 758 00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:34,600 Instagram at date Ologypod Ogwitches Blogbays, Blog 759 00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:40,320 Warlocks, value your time. All right, bitches, bye. 760 00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:40,880 Bye.