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Didology coach podcast bonus 
episode. 

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What's up, Sarah? 
So many things so. 

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Many, many things. 
What a year has been. 

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Already it's like 2 weeks in, 
but we have packed a lot. 

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We've packed a lot in these few 
weeks. 

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So before I get into the letter 
we're going to read to listen to

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the full length episodes that we
do every Friday, just go to 

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patreon.com/datology Coach and 
subscribe. 

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We're on, we are on Spotify, 
Patreon, Apple Podcasts, 

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iHeartRadio. 
I think we're on SoundCloud and 

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iTunes as well. 
Just so that you know, 

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patreon.com/dataology Coach, if 
you have any letters of your 

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own, send them to us at 
hello@dataologycoach.com or go 

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to my website, 
dataologycoach.com and click Ask

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a Question. 
All right, now this question is 

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from a man. 
Wait, can I? 

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Sorry, I have, I have a 
question. 

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Yeah. 
Would you accept like a voice 

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note if someone didn't want to 
write a letter? 

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Yes, yes. 
What is the, the phone number? 

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I to be honest, I, I prefer 
messages. 

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It's I prefer messages. 
I have a very hard time 

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interpreting, like audio 
interpretations, like processing

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information that I get verbally.
I typically need to read it, but

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I will if you go into the show 
notes, there will be a phone 

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number that you can use to call 
and leave your question. 

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All right, go ahead. 
OK so this is a letter from a 

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man so here we go. 
It says hello. 

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I am a lost and broken man. 
My wife and I have been together

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nearly 17 years. 
We're both 39 and we have two 

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amazing children ages 7:00 and 
9:00. 

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We definitely lost our spark in 
the past couple of years and I 

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by no means am excusing my 
actions not being a good husband

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by not doing the little things 
that she needed to feel loved, 

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but we both just kind of shut 
down and stopped communicating 

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towards the past year. 
Times I thought were OK because 

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in my mind it was just the 
normal sort of bogginess of 

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kids, work, life, etcetera that 
would someday be lifted and that

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we would just be OK again. 
Just a little life slump or 

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something like that. 
She'd been staying at her mom's 

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a few nights a week, helping her
with the business that she's 

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about to take over, and I always
trusted her and knew that she 

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needed that work in that time. 
But then I found out she'd been 

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calling an old friend for the 
past year, late at night, 

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several hours a week. 
When I broke down to her about 

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seeing this in a call blog, she 
decided to communicate with me 

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and tell me that I'd lost her, 
but I never listened to her 

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anyway. 
But she agreed she wasn't going 

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to talk to him anymore and we 
started working on us. 

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Later I would find tons and tons
of other evidence, like memes 

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about sexual frustration, 
evidence of thong shopping, 

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looking up how to surprise him 
in a hotel room, I could go on 

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and on. 
All this leads up to a girl's 

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trip to a nearby big city where 
she tracked a plane several 

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times coming from near where he 
lived. 

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It had just been an emotional 
fair in my mind up until this 

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point, but he called her a few 
minutes after her last googled 

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plane search and then all the 
phone info was in ghost mode for

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the next two days until she 
returned to her mom's. 

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I have hundreds of other things 
to tell me this was not a girl's

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trip and she just sort of 
trickle truths the questions 

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that I ask and gets defensive 
and puts it all back on me and 

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what I did wrong over the years.
If she would just prove it was a

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girl's trip, we could repair us 
and save our marriage. 

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But she doesn't give any effort 
into showing me that I'm wrong. 

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It's because you're not wrong. 
You're not wrong. 

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But there's few few, few more 
words here she said. 

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He says she acts like I will 
forget in time and get over it, 

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but it's stuff that I can't 
Unsee and I have a horrible 

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feeling in my gut every day. 
It's been about four months and 

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I've had good days and bad. 
We're both tired of the roller 

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coaster and I can't get past it.
So what should I do? 

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I have no idea how much. 
You have no idea how much. 

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I look forward to your advice. 
I'm trying to stay strong for my

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kids until I can hear back from 
you, but in the meantime, I'm 

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hoping she gets to a point where
she sees that we will not be OK 

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unless everything gets talked 
about and she shows some 

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accountability. 
Thank you again. 

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My first question is, do you 
think this is a troll letter? 

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Why? 
Because it's from a man. 

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Well that and it's the you have 
no idea how much I look forward 

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to your advice. 
Am I just showing my low self 

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esteem that I'm like why would 
he care what I have to say? 

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I mean, I guess my knee jerk 
reaction is like, well, who 

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cares if it's a troll letter? 
Like it's a real problem. 

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A real. 
Problem. 

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So, right, if the troll's not 
listening, we could probably 

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help somebody. 
Right. 

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It didn't strike me that this 
was a troll letter. 

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Generally trolls aren't great at
spelling, you know? 

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No, I've received some real 
doozies that that you you would 

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think was real, but wasn't real.
OK, I should. 

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You know what shits and giggles,
Sarah? 

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Yeah. 
Should we plop this into old 

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ChatGPT? 
If you want to. 

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Let's see. 
I I mean, if we're going to do 

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this, I still think we should. 
Answer the We're still going to 

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answer it. 
We're still and. 

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Then for the finale, we can 
reveal whether it's a troll 

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letter. 
Right. 

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OK, Bryce. 
So I mean, my advice here, 

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obviously the trust is gone, 
right? 

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She's broken. 
She's she's betrayed the trust 

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of the marriage, right? 
But I want to hear more about 

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what what what he do, OK, And 
this is this is the thing. 

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I listen for me, it sounds 
pretty clear. 

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She has told him like she's 
she's fell out of love with him.

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She's she's moved. 
She's just not happy in this 

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marriage. 
She's not happy, Sir. 

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She's telling you she's not 
happy. 

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She's showing you she's not 
happy. 

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And what gets me is she didn't 
even really try to cover her 

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tracks if he was able to find 
it. 

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OK. 
Right. 

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And like I have always said, if 
they're that careless, they're 

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that careless for a reason. 
OK. 

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Right, so it it sounds to me 
like she's done. 

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That's my my read. 
What's your read? 

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A little slightly different. 
OK. 

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Whoops, slightly different. 
Well, but, but I mean, I don't 

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think we have to agree. 
I don't think one of us is right

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and the other is wrong. 
But I won't even play the 

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marriage card. 
But I, I have a yeah, I have a 

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little bit of a different take. 
I think she made a nominal 

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effort to cover her tracks. 
He did kind of a deep dive here.

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Like he's looking at call logs. 
He's like figuring out where 

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this dude lives. 
Like he's, he's not full CIA 

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mode, but like he's, yeah, he's 
doing, he's done a deep dive. 

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She hasn't gone like, you know, 
witness protection levels of 

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like trying to conceal her 
activities, but she just, she 

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did make an effort to conceal 
her activities and she continues

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to lie. 
About them, Yeah, right. 

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Which to me you're saying like, 
well, she's just over it. 

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She wants out of the marriage, 
but this, this could be her out 

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and she's not taking it. 
So I don't I think she wants out

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of the marriage. 
I think she just wants to fuck 

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this other guy a couple times. 
So, Sir, maybe open your 

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marriage up. 
I mean, I think she just wants 

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to fuck this guy. 
It has to to be clear, like 

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she's definitely already fucked 
this guy more than once, as you 

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know, right, like you know, 
right. 

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And that like that's another 
thing like your approach here, 

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like, oh, just, you know, like 
just just tell me, like just 

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admit it was or like just 
confirm it was a girls trip. 

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You already know it wasn't like 
we don't need to play dumb about

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like, you know, it wasn't you 
know what's going on, right? 

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So now the question is like. 
What are you gonna do about it? 

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Yeah, What are you gonna do 
about it? 

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Like to me, I feel like a I 
don't know. 

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I like, I don't, I don't really 
distinguish between an emotional

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fair and a physical one. 
Like a betrayal is a betrayal, 

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but I also don't think like a 
betrayal is always black and 

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white. 
I think lots of marriages have 

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recovered from this. 
It may not look the way that it 

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used to, right? 
Like your relationship will 

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change, but it may not be awash 
here if both of you don't want 

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to be beyond that. 
I was, you know, I mean, truly, 

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you just have to like get your 
wife to speak plainly about 

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like, does she want to be 
married or not? 

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Like to me, like I said it, it 
kind of seems like she does she 

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just again, she she wants to 
have her cake and suck it too. 

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So you know. 
Oh my gosh. 

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I don't mean to be crass, but I 
mean, I, I don't know, I'm just 

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trying, I'm trying to add a 
little bit of levity here, but. 

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But this? 
But I'm doing it because, again,

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like I, I don't think she's 
having an emotional affair. 

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I think she's just bone in the 
sky. 

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Maybe I, I I think she's having 
an emotional affair. 

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I think she's having an affair, 
period and all. 

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Right, but I, I just, I feel 
like, you know, that's, that's 

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the part you need to figure out 
here is like, does she want to 

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retain the marriage or not? 
And then if she says she does 

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like get, get the therapy 
immediately, both of you. 

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Yeah, I mean, I guess you can. 
You can listen. 

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And and I guess it's hard for me
because I've said this. 

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You lied to me once like a 
Capricorn. 

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I'm a true Capricorn. 
You lied to me once. 

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You are fucking done. 
Well, that's a lot of people's 

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point of view, and that's that's
valid if that's how you feel. 

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You know, so now some people 
aren't. 

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Not everybody's like that. 
Right. 

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It doesn't sound like this guy's
like that. 

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For me it would be. 
It feels like he's supposed to 

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be, don't you think? 
Say that again. 

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I get the impression he he 
thinks he's supposed to be like 

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that, right? 
Like he thinks the correct thing

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to do is to look at this as very
black and white. 

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If you cheat, we're over. 
That's I mean, I he knows she's 

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cheating. 
This is what I don't get, dude, 

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you know she's cheating. 
What are you doing? 

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What are you doing? 
But also here's my question. 

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Why is she punishing you? 
Right, that'll come up in 

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therapy. 
I wanted to come out in this 

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fucking letter. 
That's what I wanted to come 

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out. 
It what? 

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Why is she punishing you? 
Right. 

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'Cause I'm so like, I get, I 
know men and women cheat 

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equally. 
Women just don't talk about it 

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as much because of the, the, you
know, the stigma on women. 

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But this feels like this feels 
like revenge sex. 

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It could be, I don't know. 
I don't really get that vibe 

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from it. 
Well, you know, revenge and 

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punishment are different, right?
I'm going to agree with 

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punishment. 
I don't know about revenge. 

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OK, all right, then. 
I used the wrong word. 

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This feels like punishment. 
Yeah. 

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And I want to know why. 
Yeah, I think that would come 

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out in. 
Therapy, you know, we definitely

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lost our spark the past couple 
years, and I by no means am 

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excusing my actions of not being
a good husband by not doing the 

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little things that she needed to
feel loved. 

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Yeah. 
See. 

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Didn't appreciate. 
It already has an inkling of 

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what What? 
Right, we both kind of shut down

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and stopped communicating 
towards the past year. 

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Times I thought were OK because 
in times I thought we were OK 

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because in my mind it was just 
the normal bogginess of kids. 

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This again? 
Here's a here's a guy. 

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Oh, I just thought we were fine.
Really. 

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You thought you were fine? 
You thought, you know, her 

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completely shutting down. 
You thought you were fine. 

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That's weird. 
I mean. 

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That's such a typical guy of I 
don't want to deal with this. 

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It but it's not as weird when 
you when you think about what 

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their day-to-day lives are like.
And with a, you know, 2 very 

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00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,800
young kids like that leaves very
little time for the couple. 

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00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,560
But it doesn't sound like it was
always like that. 

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00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,600
Right. 
Something happened, something 

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00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:48,160
happened, something pushed them 
in their direct in that in this 

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direction and I don't it's just 
he didn't appreciate me my 

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personal he's. 
Speaking euphemistically, just 

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about a sexless marriage, right?
It's kind of the vibe I'm 

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getting. 
I'm getting she's miserable, 

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00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,280
Yeah. 
And he, she just wants out. 

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Or. 
She is hurt, right? 

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And I want to know why. 
Yeah. 

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Before I right before I 
sympathize for this guy or 

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00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,840
empathize for this guy, I want 
the whole story 'cause I'm not 

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getting the whole story here. 
Well, neither is he. 

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00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,320
Right. 
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 

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Something happened. 
Something happened. 

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00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,720
Yeah, but he might not know what
it is. 

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00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,640
This is what I'm saying. 
I, I mean, he's not getting the 

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whole story either, because 
he's, they're not talking about 

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00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:44,040
it. 
They're not talking about the 

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00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,960
elephant in the room. 
And they need to. 

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00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:54,200
So, yeah, I, I really wouldn't, 
you know, I really, I don't know

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that I would attempt too deep of
a conversation without a 

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mediator or a referee. 
I I would just recommend therapy

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00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,480
anyway. 
Like, even if you, you know, 

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even if you're headed toward 
divorce, like therapy will make 

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00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,600
it more amicable. 
True, and if you do get 

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divorced, it's that's going to 
help you guys Co. 

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Parent for. 
Sure, right. 

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00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:23,480
So there there could be a 
benefit to couples therapy. 

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00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,840
So I guess that's, I guess 
that's where to go couples 

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00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,760
therapy. 
I think so. 

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00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,000
Which I personally think is a 
waste because I think she's 

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00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,920
done. 
But I could be wrong. 

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00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:40,320
I could be viewing this through 
my old Capricorn lens and and 

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00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:45,040
seeing that this was this was 
just, I don't know this, this, 

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00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:51,760
this just feels the the not 
covering her tracks tells me 

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00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,120
everything. 
Yeah. 

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00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,200
But that says I'm done. 
I want you to catch me. 

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00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,600
But she did make some effort. 
Well, as as you could tell, we 

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00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,840
have different, we have 
different reads on this, yes. 

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00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:05,200
What were you saying earlier 
about? 

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You love people who disagree 
with you because they're 

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00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,880
challenging, right? 
Yeah. 

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00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:11,160
We, we both, we both learn from 
each other. 

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00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,880
I just feel it's the not 
covering of tracks that will 

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00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:19,720
never not stand out to me. 
Yeah, see, I I feel like she did

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make an effort to cover her 
tracks. 

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00:17:21,599 --> 00:17:25,319
OK. 
She wasn't successful. 

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00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,880
No, she wasn't. 
She could have made more of an 

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00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,800
effort, right? 
We we can agree on that, right? 

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00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:37,760
But yeah, you're not you're not 
addressing the elephant in the 

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00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,280
room. 
It's definitely time to. 

279
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:43,800
I would attempt to do that. 
Yeah. 

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00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,360
You know right a really very 
soon like. 

281
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,440
Yes. 
Also, life is just too damn 

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00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,000
short. 
Yeah, to let this stuff go. 

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00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,640
And I know it's scary to 
confront this stuff because you 

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00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,480
might end up having to like, you
might end up grieving. 

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00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,680
You might end up losing her, 
maybe. 

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00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:06,280
But you also have to think of 
yourself. 

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00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,040
And do you want to spend the 
rest of your life sort of in 

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00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:15,920
this, in this holding pattern 
and and and not and not happy 

289
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:20,080
and not in a situation that that
meets your needs. 

290
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,200
Like it's just too short. 
I mean, you're going to end up 

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00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,080
grieving no matter what, right? 
Because the relationship you. 

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00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,320
Once had, is no longer right, 
right? 

293
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,720
So it's just a question of 
whether or not you begin a new 

294
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:32,680
one. 
Right. 

295
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,960
Or whether it ends. 
Agreed. 

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00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,320
Agreed. 
Although with children involved,

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00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,920
I mean, you are going to like, 
you're going to have a 

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00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,080
relationship with this person 
forever. 

299
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,320
Yeah. 
You know, just a question of 

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00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,320
whether you want to stay 
married, whether you both want 

301
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:53,040
to stay married. 
Follow up if you want. 

302
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,480
Follow up, we love that follow 
up. 

303
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,680
Please follow up, Sir. 
All right, remember if you want 

304
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,040
to listen to the Friday episodes
and the other bonus content that

305
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,880
we have like the advice letters,
we get advice letters like this 

306
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,960
that I also, some are just for 
members only. 

307
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,840
I try to do a couple that are 
free a month plus we do the 

308
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,480
Tuesday up at mini episodes that
are better free so people can 

309
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,680
get a taste of the show. 
But we have the main episodes on

310
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,320
Friday. 
To listen to those main 

311
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:20,400
episodes, go to patreon.com/data
Ology Coach and become a 

312
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:24,080
subscriber, become a Patreon or 
a patron. 

313
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:29,320
Follow us on Instagram at 
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314
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:36,400
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315
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316
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,240
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And I know people are saying 

317
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:48,600
Tiktok's going away. 
So if you're on favorited or or 

318
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:54,320
Rednote favorited, I'm my 
character analysis red note, I'm

319
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,360
my character. 
I'm deciding if I want to do 2 

320
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profiles on there, but that's 
where I'll be. 

321
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,960
Send in your questions. 
Hello at dataologycoach.com or 

322
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,360
go go to dataologycoach.com and 
click ask a question. 

323
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:13,120
Sarah. 
What a year it's been. 

324
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,800
And we're only two weeks in. 
02025. 

325
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,720
I know it's already feeling like
a very long year. 

326
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:26,320
All right, Bog, which is bog 
warlocks bog vase. 

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00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:34,040
Value your time, decenter men, 
and center yourself goodbye.