Didology coach podcast bonus episode.
What's up, Sarah? So many things so.
Many, many things. What a year has been.
Already it's like 2 weeks in, but we have packed a lot.
We've packed a lot in these few weeks.
So before I get into the letter we're going to read to listen to
the full length episodes that we do every Friday, just go to
patreon.com/datology Coach and subscribe.
We're on, we are on Spotify, Patreon, Apple Podcasts,
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patreon.com/dataology Coach, if you have any letters of your
own, send them to us at hello@dataologycoach.com or go
to my website, dataologycoach.com and click Ask
a Question. All right, now this question is
from a man. Wait, can I?
Sorry, I have, I have a question.
Yeah. Would you accept like a voice
note if someone didn't want to write a letter?
Yes, yes. What is the, the phone number?
I to be honest, I, I prefer messages.
It's I prefer messages. I have a very hard time
interpreting, like audio interpretations, like processing
information that I get verbally. I typically need to read it, but
I will if you go into the show notes, there will be a phone
number that you can use to call and leave your question.
All right, go ahead. OK so this is a letter from a
man so here we go. It says hello.
I am a lost and broken man. My wife and I have been together
nearly 17 years. We're both 39 and we have two
amazing children ages 7:00 and 9:00.
We definitely lost our spark in the past couple of years and I
by no means am excusing my actions not being a good husband
by not doing the little things that she needed to feel loved,
but we both just kind of shut down and stopped communicating
towards the past year. Times I thought were OK because
in my mind it was just the normal sort of bogginess of
kids, work, life, etcetera that would someday be lifted and that
we would just be OK again. Just a little life slump or
something like that. She'd been staying at her mom's
a few nights a week, helping her with the business that she's
about to take over, and I always trusted her and knew that she
needed that work in that time. But then I found out she'd been
calling an old friend for the past year, late at night,
several hours a week. When I broke down to her about
seeing this in a call blog, she decided to communicate with me
and tell me that I'd lost her, but I never listened to her
anyway. But she agreed she wasn't going
to talk to him anymore and we started working on us.
Later I would find tons and tons of other evidence, like memes
about sexual frustration, evidence of thong shopping,
looking up how to surprise him in a hotel room, I could go on
and on. All this leads up to a girl's
trip to a nearby big city where she tracked a plane several
times coming from near where he lived.
It had just been an emotional fair in my mind up until this
point, but he called her a few minutes after her last googled
plane search and then all the phone info was in ghost mode for
the next two days until she returned to her mom's.
I have hundreds of other things to tell me this was not a girl's
trip and she just sort of trickle truths the questions
that I ask and gets defensive and puts it all back on me and
what I did wrong over the years. If she would just prove it was a
girl's trip, we could repair us and save our marriage.
But she doesn't give any effort into showing me that I'm wrong.
It's because you're not wrong. You're not wrong.
But there's few few, few more words here she said.
He says she acts like I will forget in time and get over it,
but it's stuff that I can't Unsee and I have a horrible
feeling in my gut every day. It's been about four months and
I've had good days and bad. We're both tired of the roller
coaster and I can't get past it. So what should I do?
I have no idea how much. You have no idea how much.
I look forward to your advice. I'm trying to stay strong for my
kids until I can hear back from you, but in the meantime, I'm
hoping she gets to a point where she sees that we will not be OK
unless everything gets talked about and she shows some
accountability. Thank you again.
My first question is, do you think this is a troll letter?
Why? Because it's from a man.
Well that and it's the you have no idea how much I look forward
to your advice. Am I just showing my low self
esteem that I'm like why would he care what I have to say?
I mean, I guess my knee jerk reaction is like, well, who
cares if it's a troll letter? Like it's a real problem.
A real. Problem.
So, right, if the troll's not listening, we could probably
help somebody. Right.
It didn't strike me that this was a troll letter.
Generally trolls aren't great at spelling, you know?
No, I've received some real doozies that that you you would
think was real, but wasn't real. OK, I should.
You know what shits and giggles, Sarah?
Yeah. Should we plop this into old
ChatGPT? If you want to.
Let's see. I I mean, if we're going to do
this, I still think we should. Answer the We're still going to
answer it. We're still and.
Then for the finale, we can reveal whether it's a troll
letter. Right.
OK, Bryce. So I mean, my advice here,
obviously the trust is gone, right?
She's broken. She's she's betrayed the trust
of the marriage, right? But I want to hear more about
what what what he do, OK, And this is this is the thing.
I listen for me, it sounds pretty clear.
She has told him like she's she's fell out of love with him.
She's she's moved. She's just not happy in this
marriage. She's not happy, Sir.
She's telling you she's not happy.
She's showing you she's not happy.
And what gets me is she didn't even really try to cover her
tracks if he was able to find it.
OK. Right.
And like I have always said, if they're that careless, they're
that careless for a reason. OK.
Right, so it it sounds to me like she's done.
That's my my read. What's your read?
A little slightly different. OK.
Whoops, slightly different. Well, but, but I mean, I don't
think we have to agree. I don't think one of us is right
and the other is wrong. But I won't even play the
marriage card. But I, I have a yeah, I have a
little bit of a different take. I think she made a nominal
effort to cover her tracks. He did kind of a deep dive here.
Like he's looking at call logs. He's like figuring out where
this dude lives. Like he's, he's not full CIA
mode, but like he's, yeah, he's doing, he's done a deep dive.
She hasn't gone like, you know, witness protection levels of
like trying to conceal her activities, but she just, she
did make an effort to conceal her activities and she continues
to lie. About them, Yeah, right.
Which to me you're saying like, well, she's just over it.
She wants out of the marriage, but this, this could be her out
and she's not taking it. So I don't I think she wants out
of the marriage. I think she just wants to fuck
this other guy a couple times. So, Sir, maybe open your
marriage up. I mean, I think she just wants
to fuck this guy. It has to to be clear, like
she's definitely already fucked this guy more than once, as you
know, right, like you know, right.
And that like that's another thing like your approach here,
like, oh, just, you know, like just just tell me, like just
admit it was or like just confirm it was a girls trip.
You already know it wasn't like we don't need to play dumb about
like, you know, it wasn't you know what's going on, right?
So now the question is like. What are you gonna do about it?
Yeah, What are you gonna do about it?
Like to me, I feel like a I don't know.
I like, I don't, I don't really distinguish between an emotional
fair and a physical one. Like a betrayal is a betrayal,
but I also don't think like a betrayal is always black and
white. I think lots of marriages have
recovered from this. It may not look the way that it
used to, right? Like your relationship will
change, but it may not be awash here if both of you don't want
to be beyond that. I was, you know, I mean, truly,
you just have to like get your wife to speak plainly about
like, does she want to be married or not?
Like to me, like I said it, it kind of seems like she does she
just again, she she wants to have her cake and suck it too.
So you know. Oh my gosh.
I don't mean to be crass, but I mean, I, I don't know, I'm just
trying, I'm trying to add a little bit of levity here, but.
But this? But I'm doing it because, again,
like I, I don't think she's having an emotional affair.
I think she's just bone in the sky.
Maybe I, I I think she's having an emotional affair.
I think she's having an affair, period and all.
Right, but I, I just, I feel like, you know, that's, that's
the part you need to figure out here is like, does she want to
retain the marriage or not? And then if she says she does
like get, get the therapy immediately, both of you.
Yeah, I mean, I guess you can. You can listen.
And and I guess it's hard for me because I've said this.
You lied to me once like a Capricorn.
I'm a true Capricorn. You lied to me once.
You are fucking done. Well, that's a lot of people's
point of view, and that's that's valid if that's how you feel.
You know, so now some people aren't.
Not everybody's like that. Right.
It doesn't sound like this guy's like that.
For me it would be. It feels like he's supposed to
be, don't you think? Say that again.
I get the impression he he thinks he's supposed to be like
that, right? Like he thinks the correct thing
to do is to look at this as very black and white.
If you cheat, we're over. That's I mean, I he knows she's
cheating. This is what I don't get, dude,
you know she's cheating. What are you doing?
But also here's my question.
Why is she punishing you? Right, that'll come up in
therapy. I wanted to come out in this
fucking letter. That's what I wanted to come
out. It what?
Why is she punishing you? Right.
'Cause I'm so like, I get, I know men and women cheat
equally. Women just don't talk about it
as much because of the, the, you know, the stigma on women.
But this feels like this feels like revenge sex.
It could be, I don't know. I don't really get that vibe
from it. Well, you know, revenge and
punishment are different, right? I'm going to agree with
punishment. I don't know about revenge.
OK, all right, then. I used the wrong word.
This feels like punishment. Yeah.
And I want to know why. Yeah, I think that would come
out in. Therapy, you know, we definitely
lost our spark the past couple years, and I by no means am
excusing my actions of not being a good husband by not doing the
little things that she needed to feel loved.
Yeah. See.
Didn't appreciate. It already has an inkling of
what What? Right, we both kind of shut down
and stopped communicating towards the past year.
Times I thought were OK because in times I thought we were OK
because in my mind it was just the normal bogginess of kids.
This again? Here's a here's a guy.
Oh, I just thought we were fine. Really.
You thought you were fine? You thought, you know, her
completely shutting down. You thought you were fine.
That's weird. I mean.
That's such a typical guy of I don't want to deal with this.
It but it's not as weird when you when you think about what
their day-to-day lives are like. And with a, you know, 2 very
young kids like that leaves very little time for the couple.
But it doesn't sound like it was always like that.
Right. Something happened, something
happened, something pushed them in their direct in that in this
direction and I don't it's just he didn't appreciate me my
personal he's. Speaking euphemistically, just
about a sexless marriage, right? It's kind of the vibe I'm
getting. I'm getting she's miserable,
Yeah. And he, she just wants out.
Or. She is hurt, right?
And I want to know why. Yeah.
Before I right before I sympathize for this guy or
empathize for this guy, I want the whole story 'cause I'm not
getting the whole story here. Well, neither is he.
Right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Something happened. Something happened.
Yeah, but he might not know what it is.
This is what I'm saying. I, I mean, he's not getting the
whole story either, because he's, they're not talking about
it. They're not talking about the
elephant in the room. And they need to.
So, yeah, I, I really wouldn't, you know, I really, I don't know
that I would attempt too deep of a conversation without a
mediator or a referee. I I would just recommend therapy
anyway. Like, even if you, you know,
even if you're headed toward divorce, like therapy will make
it more amicable. True, and if you do get
divorced, it's that's going to help you guys Co.
Parent for. Sure, right.
So there there could be a benefit to couples therapy.
So I guess that's, I guess that's where to go couples
therapy. I think so.
Which I personally think is a waste because I think she's
done. But I could be wrong.
I could be viewing this through my old Capricorn lens and and
seeing that this was this was just, I don't know this, this,
this just feels the the not covering her tracks tells me
everything. Yeah.
But that says I'm done. I want you to catch me.
But she did make some effort. Well, as as you could tell, we
have different, we have different reads on this, yes.
What were you saying earlier about?
You love people who disagree with you because they're
challenging, right? Yeah.
We, we both, we both learn from each other.
I just feel it's the not covering of tracks that will
never not stand out to me. Yeah, see, I I feel like she did
make an effort to cover her tracks.
OK. She wasn't successful.
No, she wasn't. She could have made more of an
effort, right? We we can agree on that, right?
But yeah, you're not you're not addressing the elephant in the
room. It's definitely time to.
I would attempt to do that. Yeah.
You know right a really very soon like.
Yes. Also, life is just too damn
short. Yeah, to let this stuff go.
And I know it's scary to confront this stuff because you
might end up having to like, you might end up grieving.
You might end up losing her, maybe.
But you also have to think of yourself.
And do you want to spend the rest of your life sort of in
this, in this holding pattern and and and not and not happy
and not in a situation that that meets your needs.
Like it's just too short. I mean, you're going to end up
grieving no matter what, right? Because the relationship you.
Once had, is no longer right, right?
So it's just a question of whether or not you begin a new
one. Right.
Or whether it ends. Agreed.
Although with children involved,
I mean, you are going to like, you're going to have a
relationship with this person forever.
Yeah. You know, just a question of
whether you want to stay married, whether you both want
to stay married. Follow up if you want.
Follow up, we love that follow up.
Please follow up, Sir. All right, remember if you want
to listen to the Friday episodes and the other bonus content that
we have like the advice letters, we get advice letters like this
that I also, some are just for members only.
I try to do a couple that are free a month plus we do the
Tuesday up at mini episodes that are better free so people can
get a taste of the show. But we have the main episodes on
Friday. To listen to those main
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Send in your questions. Hello at dataologycoach.com or
go go to dataologycoach.com and click ask a question.
Sarah. What a year it's been.
And we're only two weeks in. 02025.
I know it's already feeling like a very long year.
All right, Bog, which is bog warlocks bog vase.
Value your time, decenter men, and center yourself goodbye.