Did LG coach podcast bonus episode?
Hello Sarah. Hello.
Kristen. Hello, if you guys haven't heard
the latest subscriber only episode, you're going to want to
go listen to this. What do we not only do we talk
about our, our new favorite Internet boyfriend, Luigi
Mangione, but we also we talk about a woman who took in a
homeless man and built him, built him into the perfect man.
Yep. So go to go to
patreon.com/dataology coach and subscribe to listen to that.
But today, this is a, this is a free episode.
It's a bonus episode and we're going to read a letter.
So, Sarah, do you want to read? It sure, here we go, the letter
says. Hi guys, I have a tendency to
get caught up in limerance and stalk my exes Spotify to see
what he puts on his playlists. I get I get that.
Actually, this has often kept me stuck on him since some of the
songs appeared to specifically reference issues that he and I
had. I recently stalked him and saw
that he was creating playlists with another girl.
Of course I looked up the girl and she looks like a prettier
and thinner version of myself. I know it's my own fault for
praying, but how do I not let this fuck with me?
I have vowed to stop stalking him but feel horrible about
myself and regretful that this shitty man was able to pull
someone hotter than me. You're so real for that.
Thanks for having the space to let me send in letters where I'm
being petty and ridiculous. Grateful to both of you for the
podcast. Listen, We support women's
rights and. Wrongs and wrongs.
Exactly. So this is very normal, right.
Like we we have to find out. OK, but.
But you know what this is? You know what this is?
It's Carrie and Natasha. Oh, Natasha.
Right. Like, yeah, you're going to look
at her. Katie with the curls.
Jesus, this is what it is. It's Carrie and Natasha, and you
look at her and you think she's just, she's everything that I'm
not and da da da da da da da and turns out.
Big. She she, she bored him like she
didn't give him what he wanted. And so, and that's not a flaw.
That just meant that they weren't right for each other,
right. So you're looking at her and
you're thinking, oh, you're you're comparing yourself to
her. And, and I, this is a great
saying. You don't want to compare your
insides to somebody else's outsides.
And I, and I've always, I've always loved that saying.
And and that's really what you're doing, because you're
letting what she looks like externally affect you
internally. Yeah, you're internalizing it.
Which is really hard not to do. Right.
It's very hard to do, very hard not to do.
So don't assume that like for all you know, she treats him
like shit or for all you know, he treats her exactly the way he
treated you, which is probably which is bad and you don't want
that for her, right? Right.
So trust me, he hasn't upgraded And and even if he did, I, I
shouldn't know. I take that back.
He no, I don't. He hasn't upgraded because he
hasn't changed. He's going to pull the same shit
with her that he pulled with you.
Yeah, I mean, I was going to say too, he hasn't upgraded because
I mean, I, I guarantee I, I, I bet anything that your
relationship with him improved him.
Right. So yeah, I mean, unfortunately
now he is a better version of himself, which is how he was
able to pull this woman that you're impressed by.
But I mean, he's still the same person deep down, you know,
right? Which is not great, right?
And eventually, she's going to realize she could do better.
Right. You know, we just.
We are conditioned to focus on her, on the other, like the new
girlfriend, right? Yeah.
When we really should be focusing on what a piece of shit
he is or not. Even if they're like, let's say
they just weren't right for you, we need to focus on, you know
what things didn't work out because we weren't right for
each other. And this is not a reflection of
me. Like he didn't win, I guess, is
what I'm saying. He.
Didn't. This isn't if he treated you
poorly. This isn't him winning.
This is him being exactly the same.
And he's going to and he's going to blow it with another great
woman. Right.
You know, I, I don't even know if that's helpful.
Like, you know, I don't even know that this is limerence
either. Like, are you saying that you
still have feelings for this guy?
Is that like, is that the root of this?
Do you feel that's what she's saying in the letter?
It's not really clear, but you know what else is not clear is
whether these two are even dating, meaning the ex and the
New Girl. Right.
I mean, I think it's safe to assume that they are if they're
making Spotify playlist together.
Yeah, but like, maybe he's just like trying to date her.
You know what I mean? We don't actually know that
they're dating. He could just be shooting his
shot and she could be humoring him.
I mean, I think you're, I think you're right to point out that
like it's not a ridiculous leap to make to assume that they're
dating, but like I just, I can't, I can't even think of a
time when a hetero couple broke up and through their
relationship, no matter the length of it, the man did not
come out improved. And at first, like that's
probably going to make you feel worse, right?
Because you're like, oh shit, like I made him better.
And I like, I don't even get the benefit of that, but it's
because he had such a gap to close, my friend, right?
Like you were already so much, so far ahead of him.
Right. And, and, but also I, I think
when you saw the songs on the list and you were like, oh, it's
kind of, they sort of resembled issues in our relationship.
You thought that that meant he was regretting he had regret
over. Yeah, I was was thinking about
it a lot, right. Right.
And then you just see him move on.
You're like, oh, I I guess he wasn't feeling that way.
Right. That's the other thing, too.
You don't, you don't know that because men can't be alone.
Yeah. Like that.
This is the thing we have to remember.
Wow. Like he moves on pretty quickly
because they can't be alone. They cannot.
Right, because they don't want to.
They don't want to deal with their hurt feelings because they
don't know how to. They don't know how to like
self-care. They don't know how to tend to
their feelings, so they just pretend they don't exist.
Right. Which I guess is why ultimately
we're saying like this new relationship is probably not
going to last either. Exactly.
Too long, didn't read. He's not.
He still sucks. Right.
He still sucks. Exactly.
That's how we can summarize. Yeah, he still sucks.
No, sucks he's still not good enough for you like.
Never was. There's such, yeah, there's such
a there was such a gap to close there that of course some
positive rubbed off on him, which allowed him to temporarily
fool this new lady. But she'll she'll catch on.
Yep, she sure will. She sure will.
She'll. Catch on.
So fuck this guy and don't feel bad about yourself 'cause this
isn't a reflection of you. No, I mean do any, do you have
any strategies about like maybe how to quit pressing on the
bruise? Oh God.
'Cause you're kind of like. I'm familiar with that.
Of the Bruise Press. I'm queen of the bruise bruise
press for sure. I, I really had to get to a
place where I hated him, right? Because I still didn't hate him
enough. Like, I was hurt and I was angry
and I still held out some kind of hope.
But once I really faced like this guy's such an asshole.
Right. Right and and then.
And he was. And he sure was, sure still is.
You know that it takes time to get there and everyone gets
there at different times. It took me 5 years, four years,
five years ish. I would say a long time, wicked
long time. It took me a wicked long time.
And that's where you need to to get like until you really see
him for who he is and and understand that he didn't treat
you the way he treated you because of anything you did.
Right, because he wasn't capable of better.
Because he sucks. Right, because he sucks.
He sucks, remember that. We're going to, we're going to
say fuck that guy. Do you have any more feedback
on? This well, I mean, so again, in
terms of like concrete things you can do to be proactive about
like stopping this behavior so that you can feel better about
everything and move on. Like do you would you recommend
like leaning onto your leaning on your friends?
I don't, I don't know if that was helpful.
Each and every time I was like, Kristen, this guy sucks.
Like I, I don't know if that was helpful.
What? What do you think?
Yes, of course it was. Of course it was because you had
that. You had that objectivity that I
wasn't seeing. I'll never forget.
I will never forget when he wrote that stupid fucking Quora
thing about men being in the waiting room and he was just
like, so proud of his wife and she's so much stronger than me,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all this regard for women.
And he's a serial cheater who had sex without condoms when he
had girlfriends. Like, he's a piece of shit.
He's a piece of shit. I was a piece of shit for being
involved with him. And so this is all performative
bullshit. And you said, Kristen, do you
not know that men tend to develop a little bit more
respect for women once they have kids?
Like daughters, Like it's, it's, it's this, it's an ego thing,
right? And I was like, no, I, I, I
didn't know that, but it was those listen.
And it didn't snap me out right away, but it was those little
gems that absolutely got me there.
You know, just wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute. Can we talk about the other one?
The other one where this piece of fucking shit, he wrote this
whole long thing about Oh my daughter's name and we just kept
it secret and then he revealed it.
Yeah, and and did the group chat go crazy?
And it was the most fucking basic predictable.
Let's just say he's British. It was it, it was, it was a
British name. I'll just say it, it was a not a
British name, but it had British association.
Oh, he thought he really did something.
He really did. Yeah.
Oh, and I just remember saying Oh no I won't because that gives
it away. Were you, were you going to say
like? I just said like, you know,
you're British and you, you use the name of somebody a famous
British person like too long didn't read.
That was the that's the story. As usual.
You took 1500 words to say something completely fucking
basic and stupid. All of which is to say, my
friend. My friend.
That this is this is where you need to get right.
You need to work with your friends on finding threads to
pull, for which you can absolutely dismantle this man
until he is nothing but a pile of dust in your memory.
Yeah. Please, I promise you he's not
worth following up on. Not worth checking in on.
Nope. Not worth pining for.
Nope, absolutely not. And there are better things to
come. Absolutely.
For you and not him. Right.
Are we saying fuck that guy? That's it.
No notes. No notes.
We have a 2nd letter and it says I broke up with a guy two years
ago because I didn't have a lot of dating experience and I
didn't know what I wanted and I thought we didn't have a lot in
common. But after a year of being broken
up I was missing him so I reached out to him with the
intention of asking for a second chance.
That was Don't do that. We texted for five or six days,
but I kept chickening out and then we just stopped talking.
Now it's a year after that and I've dated a few other guys, but
I still always wind up missing him again.
This time feels different, though.
I feel like I'm in a better place.
I've learned some things about myself and I have more of an
idea of what I want. Should I reach out again or just
leave him alone? Leave him alone, because if he
felt the same way, he would have reached out to you by now.
Well, or he would have like he would have picked up what you
put down before, right man, he would have.
He would have taken the bait. Right.
But instead, he let the conversation slide.
Yeah, right. Let's see.
So I reached out to him with the intention of asking for a second
chance. So let's address that.
This is in the year of our Lord 2025 on Miley Cyrus's Internet.
We don't ask men for second chances.
We're not doing that. We're like, we weren't doing it
in 2024. We are definitely not doing it
in 2025. And there's nothing wrong with
being at that place, right? But we will never give men that
kind of power or control. Yeah, I certainly wouldn't
phrase it as yeah, give me a second chance, right?
Yeah, and it could just be and. Hopefully everyone sees the
difference between give me a second chance versus hey you
want to try this again? Right.
This is different. Yes, but it says a lot about
your mindset. Yeah, right.
Because you seem to think that you didn't have a lot of dating
experience and and that that somehow was made you wrong or
bad or like it was your fault. Right.
Well, it also kind of sounds like you may have forgotten the
reasons that you broke up. I assure you, you had them.
You you had them, even if you didn't write them down.
Yeah, we texted for five or six days, but I kept chickening out.
And then we just stopped talking.
Yeah, you stopped talking because he wasn't interested in
pursuing the conversation. So, you know, and I'm sorry to
say that so bluntly, but that but that's just the reality.
And let's say it's not and he actually was interested.
The fact that he would let you slide and let you go, you don't
want that either. Exactly.
You want someone who's going to say, oh, I really like this
person and I, I don't want to, I don't want to miss this chance
Exactly, 'cause you're worth that.
You deserve that. Yeah, and I, I think that is
true. I mean, that's definitely true
of of men, right? Even if you're the one that
ended things that like if they see a second chance and they
want to pick up the bait like they they will even if they
didn't end things. Correct, Correct.
Yeah, All right, if you're not. Perhaps it really is that basic,
you know? Yeah.
With men, there are no mixed messages.
If, if, what do they say? They're coming up, They're
booking the second date. Yeah, yeah.
From the. Does just come down to how old
to you is he? Right, exactly from the great
philosopher Jack Burger. Now, I do want to say, because
this is a person with, at least in her view, relatively little
dating experience, should you initiate contact again and like,
start bantering, I think he will begin to regard you as a person
with whom he can casually hook up sometimes, right?
Right. I feel as though the
relationship, the relationship ship has sailed.
Yes. Yes, OK, if you want to hear our
most recent full length episode. And you do.
And you do, because between the woman who wanted to date The Who
dated the homeless man and the woman who claimed to have gone
out with her child free friend and just utterly shamed her
publicly in the Luigi Mangion talk.
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All right, Bog witches, bog warlocks, bog vase and bog gaze.
Value your time, decenter men, and center yourself.
Yep. Bye bye.