1 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,240 It all do coach podcast. Hi, Sarah. 2 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:19,440 Hey, Kristen. Hey girl. 3 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,080 Hey, So how was your day today bud? 4 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:30,800 It was busy, you know, just full of stuff to hate about my job 5 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:36,560 per use. But I mean, you know, the same 6 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,680 boat as everyone else, right? Like I don't want to complain 7 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:45,800 too much about my job right now because, well, AI feel like you 8 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:52,160 can't relate anyway, right? OK. 9 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:59,280 And I don't know, like I just, you know, I assume we're not 10 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:03,160 done with the recession. We're speed running into right 11 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,680 and that more people are going to lose their jobs and so on and 12 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:10,880 so forth. But but for now, I have a 13 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:14,240 dilemma. I need I need you to weigh in on 14 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,800 this dilemma. You know, I, I think I've 15 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:21,320 mentioned on the pod before, like going to concerts that I 16 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:30,240 like to see live music, right? When I tell you that in in all 17 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,600 earnesty, my husband and I both are Ke$ha fans. 18 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:41,280 Please believe it. And so and so my dilemma today 19 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:46,960 was, well, do I, should I buy tickets to the Ke$ha Tits Out 20 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,840 tour? I don't know. 21 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,840 I don't know. Here's here's why I'm 22 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,120 hesitating. This is the only reason it's 23 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:58,680 going to be late July. Right. 24 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,200 That fucking sucks. I don't, I don't want to be 25 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,600 outside for anything, right? Right. 26 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,400 Yeah. That's all. 27 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,360 Yeah, for me in the heat, absolutely not. 28 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:19,080 It's listen, it's gotta be somebody pretty big from wanna 29 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:25,080 sacrifice my comfort, especially if you're gonna be paying a lot 30 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:31,200 of money and be uncomfortable. Yeah, well, listen, there's it's 31 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,040 Ke$ha's not the only artist that's gonna be there, right? 32 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:41,640 It's Ke$ha and Scissor Sisters and Slater and a fourth artist I 33 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:47,280 can't remember. All right, I like sisters, so 34 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:51,480 now I'm a little more like it could because they sing. 35 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:55,240 What was that song? Let's. 36 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,920 Have a Kiki. Let's have a Kiki right? 37 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:02,880 Which I that song. So go and listen up all. 38 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:04,840 Right, so we could have a Kiki we. 39 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,040 Could have a Kiki in 90° weather. 40 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,600 Yeah, I guess I just, you know, I had such a good time at the 41 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:16,960 Sweat tour that I, I just feel like, man, if I could socially 42 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:21,840 engineer every live music event that I go to from now on to just 43 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,200 be full of girls and gays and nays. 44 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,880 Right. And my husband, right? 45 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:33,520 That's a good time, you know. Yes, yes, I. 46 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:35,720 Don't know, tough call. Tough. 47 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,200 Well, it's not tough for me. Well, with the exception of the 48 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:42,320 Scissor Sisters, but the heat would be a hard pass for me. 49 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,280 Yeah, I mean, that's the only thing. 50 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,920 That's the only thing you know. But I'll, I'll let you know what 51 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:47,440 I said. We. 52 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,520 Do follow up. You know we follow up. 53 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,600 Yeah. So we got a a pretty meaty 54 00:03:54,600 --> 00:04:02,640 letter and there is a lot to unpack, unpack with it, but one 55 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,120 topic in particular that we've never talked about before, so 56 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,880 I'm excited. Would you like me to read it? 57 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,320 Always Sarah. OK, here we go. 58 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,000 The message says. I am a 28 year old female and 59 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:16,079 I've been dating this guy slightly older than me for a 60 00:04:16,079 --> 00:04:20,040 couple of months now. From the beginning it progressed 61 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,840 slowly. It took him four weeks to ask me 62 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:25,800 out and he wasn't fond of texting me either. 63 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,440 He'd respond to me very late at night which made me think that 64 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,440 he might be involved with someone else and I wasn't too 65 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,680 keen on initiating a date as I waited for him to do that. 66 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,640 So he did and we went out and it was fun. 67 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:43,520 It was funny. And after a lot of dates and 68 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:47,280 testing him, as I clearly stated I didn't want just a situation 69 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:50,560 ship or a booty call, we had sex. 70 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,280 I felt like it was right, but then the sex was weird. 71 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:59,120 It was like with pauses. Anyway, I started to understand 72 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,480 him and get him and we worked it out. 73 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:06,200 I wasn't very feely or needy at the time, so I let him let him 74 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,120 go. He went on vacation with his 75 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,280 friends to Italy and didn't text me for a whole week. 76 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:15,560 I didn't mind for some reason and I didn't expect him to text 77 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,760 when he came back to the city. At first I was hesitant and 78 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,280 denied meeting with him, saying that I've been through some 79 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:26,040 stuff and I didn't feel like he really cared since he never 80 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:30,080 texted me during his vacation. Well, he agreed that I was right 81 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,120 and after his persuasion, we went out again. 82 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,680 Parentheses. Why do we give so many chances? 83 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,080 This time when we went out, it was really a bonding experience. 84 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,680 We were inseparable for three days straight and it was fun and 85 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,600 I felt some things while being closer to him. 86 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,640 He treated me right and I actually love that but he went 87 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:56,120 back to being his original self and not texting as much and then 88 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,480 I felt like he was pulling away. I didn't say anything but when 89 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,680 we met I asked him if he wanted to share anything and he said 90 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,880 no, just kept looking at his phone. 91 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:10,040 Then he said to me that he's confused with things from the 92 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:15,600 past and I said OK I'm not in the past though I'm right here 93 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:21,600 now and he told me sorry. I told him to take his time if 94 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,760 he needed it and he said he did not. 95 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:29,720 And so we met last night and after a lot of days, even though 96 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:33,040 I asked him to make plans earlier but he said he had been 97 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:37,080 out with friends. So I said OK but I asked you 98 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,400 first for a day to see you because it had been almost a 99 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,600 week and I hadn't seen him and he made plans with his friends 100 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,280 first which I found really dumb of him. 101 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:51,760 Anyway, I said I wasn't available just any time he 102 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,280 wanted so he went out two days after he initiated because from 103 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,920 my past experience it's best not to be available all the time 104 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,680 because then they will take you for granted. 105 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,040 Parentheses most people but not everyone. 106 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:11,880 He told me he was leaving again to go on a guy's trip to the UK 107 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,600 and he'd be back in a week or so. 108 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:18,520 We did do something sexual but it feels like I try more than he 109 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,480 does. He used to be a giver too but 110 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:25,400 it's like he only took from me and I hate that it's not even 111 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,280 trying at this point from his side. 112 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,960 He doesn't even like grab me or kiss me like what the fuck is 113 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,800 this even? We left kind of early and he 114 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:38,840 dropped me off near my place and he asked me why I was angry. 115 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:43,920 I replied I wasn't angry and truly I wasn't but I was 116 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,040 disappointed which is a terrible thing to be. 117 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:50,040 I told him you can't just take and not give and then I asked 118 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,000 what would you like from me? Would you like to have 119 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,080 experiences? Please let me know so I can 120 00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:01,280 leave and not get hurt again. Are you too high on the body 121 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,040 count because I'm not interested in just being a booty call. 122 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:09,680 He denied these things and said he likes things as they are but 123 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,400 I'm confused and I'm disappointed and he makes me 124 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,960 cry. So this isn't fucking right 125 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,880 anymore. I'm thinking of what I need to 126 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,920 do even though I I know I should probably just let go. 127 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,440 The worst thing he said which freaked me out, is that he 128 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:27,040 doesn't know whether in three months from now he'll still feel 129 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,080 like he does now. I asked what does that mean and 130 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,760 he said nobody can promise forever. 131 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,360 Fucking hell guys I need advice what should I do? 132 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:40,880 I'm thinking of ending this. So there's a lot to unpack here, 133 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:44,720 right? Because there there just seems 134 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:48,680 to be a lot of worries and a lot of concerns like is he just 135 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,840 using me for sex? Where is this going? 136 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:58,560 Why isn't he more commutative when we're not together? 137 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:04,720 And these things, along with the fact that she said that she sort 138 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:07,120 of, she feels like she's doing more of the work. 139 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:12,440 These are all earmarks of self abandonment. 140 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,920 And that's something we've never really talked about. 141 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:19,880 That's true. And self abandonment is when we 142 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:25,800 obviously abandoned or override our own needs and feelings and 143 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,200 desires for the benefit of somebody else. 144 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,680 We make ourselves smaller in the relationship. 145 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:37,240 We we minimize our own feelings. You know, we'll say something 146 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:41,320 like, oh, well, he was away with Italy and, you know, he was with 147 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,320 friends. He was busy and and it's only 148 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:44,080 been a. Couple I'm probably 149 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,880 overreacting. Right, I'm probably 150 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:49,360 overreacting. He first she says in the letter 151 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,040 that she didn't mind for some reason that she didn't hear from 152 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:55,040 him, but then later in the letter she's obviously bothered 153 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,720 by it because she brings it up. And this is what I mean. 154 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:06,400 She sounds like she's constantly pushing her feelings down and 155 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:12,880 more concerned with not being needy or not pushing him away 156 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:16,880 than she is maintaining a very genuine affection. 157 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:23,000 To me, it doesn't even sound like she cares about this guy 158 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:29,160 but is more concerned with not losing him, if that makes sense. 159 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,240 And that is classic self abandonment. 160 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:42,080 And that comes from being somebody who maybe as a child, 161 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:47,360 maybe as a young adult, felt like you had to earn the love or 162 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:53,600 the approval of primary caregivers, of parents, of 163 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,880 friends. It's more than being a people 164 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,320 pleaser. It's, it's this sort of almost 165 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:08,960 bottomless need to, to get validation and, and get and get 166 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:15,000 attention. If, and that's what this sounds 167 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:19,080 like, it sounds like she wants this attention. 168 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:25,720 She wants to be a a priority to this guy, but she's hesitant to 169 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:29,440 bring it up and probably keeps her mouth shut and keeps her 170 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,600 mouth shut and keeps her mouth shut until it festers. 171 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,240 Yeah. And then she says something 172 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,040 right? Well, he's certainly giving all 173 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,240 kinds of things lots of time to fester. 174 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:47,200 All the time, it sounds like. I mean all, all kinds of time 175 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,360 and space to fester. Right. 176 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:55,840 And and that's what's so concerning is he very clearly is 177 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,680 not treating her, her well. Yeah. 178 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:04,280 She said he makes me cry over and over. 179 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:08,360 In this letter, she is minimizing her own feelings. 180 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:13,640 And and it when you start doing that, you, you, you have to 181 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:16,960 start paying attention to it. And The thing is, a lot of times 182 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:22,000 when we are in that process of self abandonment, we don't 183 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:29,280 realize that we were, we were minimizing our feelings or, or 184 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,160 doing all the work because that's what she was doing in 185 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,600 this. She was doing all the work. 186 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:38,760 She, she said it sometimes or most of the time, we don't even 187 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,520 realize we're doing this until after the fact. 188 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:48,000 And when you do, what's important is to notice it when 189 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,880 it's, you know, at at any point, whether it's before, during or 190 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:56,560 after. So that pretty soon you'll go 191 00:12:56,560 --> 00:13:03,320 from noticing this after the fact to noticing this in the 192 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:08,640 moment and being able to stop it, you know? 193 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:19,920 So to me, it just sounds like she is working very, very hard 194 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:27,920 to get this guy's approval and he'll give it to her when he 195 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,360 feels like giving it to her. But when he doesn't, he doesn't. 196 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,600 And that's, that's that problem, right? 197 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:38,040 That's where, you know, we'll go 2-3 days without hearing from 198 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:42,840 somebody and we'll start getting all anxious and we'll start 199 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,640 getting the knots in our stomach and the anxiety starts to build. 200 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:49,440 And then they contact us and it's this big whoosh of relief. 201 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,440 But it's, but it's bigger than that. 202 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,640 It's like this, this sort of euphoria. 203 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,840 And in that euphoria, we're so happy that they contacted us 204 00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,680 because that tells us, see, we're OK. 205 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,160 They want us. They want us. 206 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,320 We're so high on that dopamine rush. 207 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,840 We've now forgotten. They've completely ignored us 208 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:13,520 for three days. And this is what happens in 209 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,320 these kinds of inconsistent relationships. 210 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:21,440 Yeah, that the the rush of the dopamine causes us to forget or 211 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,800 or push it aside. Great. 212 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:26,560 Yeah, disregard. Disregard it, that's a better 213 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,160 one. What are your thoughts? 214 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,800 I have never heard the term self abandonment. 215 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,640 I think that's really interesting. 216 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:41,800 But I think my take on this is really, it is essentially the 217 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,520 same without. Yeah, well, I wasn't going to 218 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,440 use the term self abandonment because I didn't know it. 219 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:52,240 But what it, you know what? What it seemed like to me is 220 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:57,560 that above all else, she was prioritizing being in a 221 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,080 relationship, not necessarily this one. 222 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,320 I don't think it's about this guy. 223 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,000 Right. And that's the good news, I 224 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:13,160 think, is that she seems, you know, like on a, on a, on a 225 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,640 logical and rational level to realize like this guy ain't 226 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,280 shit. Right, right. 227 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:23,080 And it really sounds to me as though when she's out of it, 228 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:29,840 right when she's out of the haze and she has that time to 229 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:34,920 decompress, is when she starts being honest with herself about 230 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:40,000 how this guy is making her feel. Yeah, So what I was actually 231 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,680 thinking about when I read this letter is like, well, what's 232 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,080 what's got her stuck here, right? 233 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:50,120 Like what is making her prioritize this relationship 234 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:56,960 which seems to have pretty minimal reward for either of 235 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,000 them, right? It sounds like the sex is not 236 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,120 great. Right. 237 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:05,760 It sounds like they both kind of agree, like, yeah, I could take 238 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,640 you or leave you. Like, I don't really miss you 239 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,480 when you're gone. Like, like, to be saying these 240 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,720 kinds of things to each other. I know they weren't, like, 241 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,120 neither of them was that blunt, I hope. 242 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,160 But essentially, yeah, if you're telling someone like, oh, I 243 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:24,240 didn't miss you when you were gone, and it's like the very 244 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,680 beginning of a relationship, it's not good. 245 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,000 It's like a sign. It's not. 246 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,080 It's not. And there was another, I think 247 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,640 sort of tell in this letter is when she said I, you know, I 248 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:40,800 tested him. Yeah, yeah, she's very concerned 249 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:44,320 about. Being used for sex. 250 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,960 Well, she's, she's concerned about like doing things the the 251 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,240 right way, I think just in general. 252 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:51,800 Right. Yeah. 253 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,000 It doesn't want to be used for sex, which I get. 254 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,240 No one does. Right. 255 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,200 Yeah. Wanting, wanting to vet him, 256 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:05,880 wanting to be sure about things, which I guess is how we ended up 257 00:17:06,319 --> 00:17:09,440 receiving this letter, right. Because I think, you know, it 258 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:15,520 sounds like she's getting to a place where she's not as tied up 259 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:19,400 in her feelings about this and can realize, I mean, she even 260 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,040 says like, this isn't right anymore. 261 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,560 Right. Right, I should probably let go. 262 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,640 Right, but that's the trick, isn't it? 263 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:38,680 Yep, it is the trick. Is letting go and a lot of 264 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:46,880 people who who are sort of, let's say engaged in self 265 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:54,120 abandonment, they prioritize keeping that person because if 266 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:58,440 they can keep them, that means they're OK, right? 267 00:17:58,920 --> 00:17:59,560 Right. Yeah. 268 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,760 That determines their worth and their value. 269 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:10,040 And that stems from relationships that you have 270 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,080 during very formative years. And this is, listen, my 271 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,360 relationship with my dad was like this. 272 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:21,640 My dad was, I've always said he's a who's an excellent 273 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:25,520 provider. He, he instilled so many great 274 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:33,160 values in me, but he was raised by a woman who never 275 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:40,800 acknowledged his achievements, his character, really anything. 276 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:45,560 And so right. And so because that's how he was 277 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:50,320 raised, he turned around and he was the same way. 278 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:57,200 And so I spent the majority of my life seeking his approval. 279 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:01,480 Nothing I did was good enough but also he always made me feel 280 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:05,200 like I was falling short. Right because I was the smart 281 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,280 one. I was the one who went to 282 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,000 college and he didn't approve of my career path. 283 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,360 Mainly because well there's no 4O14-O1K and there's no 284 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,000 insurance. Well welcome to 2025 where 285 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,000 nobody has a fucking 4 O 1K at this point. 286 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:21,880 Or or no one people are are going it's going to be drained. 287 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,520 But he was more worried about my security more than anything. 288 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,320 Else. Like he had always said, I don't 289 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:34,520 care if you sweep the streets and he meant that as long as you 290 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,080 were taken care of, like you had something secure that you could 291 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:42,560 count on. And it was so frustrating. 292 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:46,520 And I'll never forget this was probably like 2 months before he 293 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:50,080 died. We got into some fight on the 294 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:55,680 phone and I said, you know, dad, I'm a good person. 295 00:19:56,760 --> 00:20:01,560 I'm a kind person. I'm honest, I'm hard working, I 296 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:08,120 help people. And you never acknowledge that. 297 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:12,400 I mean, I, I, that it was, that was like the conversation I can 298 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,760 remember having with my dad. You never. 299 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:19,640 And I, I remember, I, I can look, I knew exactly where I was 300 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,400 standing in my apartment and I remember like my body was 301 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,480 vibrating at this point. I was. 302 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:31,400 So it wasn't even anger. It was such frustration that my 303 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,400 father was just swimming against the tide and what are you going 304 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,960 to do? And he was just always about 305 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,080 please just come home. Please just come home because he 306 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,840 was terrified, obviously, you know, he wanted me to live 307 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,760 closer to home. And that was how he was going to 308 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,520 do it. And my thought was, if this is 309 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,400 how it's going to be, I'm never going to come home. 310 00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:58,320 But he was doing his shtick of what are you doing? 311 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:03,800 You're not going anywhere. You're, you know, I don't know, 312 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,240 basically just criticizing me and I, I didn't. 313 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:07,840 Know this? I didn't know this had been 314 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,280 happening. Oh, I just lost it. 315 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:15,680 I not lost it on him, but just, it was just this. 316 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:21,960 I like I said, I was shaking. I was so frustrated because I 317 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:25,880 feel felt like, why don't you see me? 318 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:30,000 Why don't you see who I've become? 319 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:34,520 And I might not be working in a job you thought I was going to 320 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:38,440 be in. I might not be in some fancy 321 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,000 apt. I might not be married. 322 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,120 I might not be have kids. I might not have kids. 323 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:45,480 But Dad, I have such a good heart. 324 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:53,120 Yeah, I am so kind, and I'm a good person and I help people 325 00:21:53,520 --> 00:22:00,160 and I work hard and I'm honest and I am all these things that 326 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:06,040 in my opinion, matter way more. And I understood why he was 327 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,600 concerned about. He knew he was going to die and 328 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:12,240 he was worried who's going to take care of her because she's 329 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,720 not married, so who's she going to have? 330 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,600 I mean, how quaint that he thought like marriage was any 331 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:23,000 kind of insurance policy. My father never thought that I 332 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,080 told you we know this story. My my grandfather dropped dead. 333 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:29,080 My grandmother ended up having to take everything over. 334 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:32,800 So my father grew up knowing marriage is not a guarantee for 335 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,600 a woman. Yeah, but you just said, you 336 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,480 know, he, that was his, that was in his thoughts, right? 337 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,280 That was definitely in his thoughts, definitely in his 338 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:49,040 thoughts and I just when he died, it was just such a relief. 339 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:54,840 I know that sounds crazy. Not though. 340 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:59,880 But it was such a relief. Yeah. 341 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:07,320 I no longer had to meet this, this absolutely unachievable 342 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:11,080 expectation, but that relationship with my father 343 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:16,680 informed all of my romantic relationships, right? 344 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:23,440 It was, it was always about if they stay, I'm OK. 345 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,920 If they leave, it's because there's something wrong with me. 346 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:34,760 And having them stay meant well. I didn't have to look. 347 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:36,800 I didn't have to do that inner work stuff. 348 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:40,480 Yeah, you're good. Good as this, right? 349 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:45,840 Right. So I guess I don't know how this 350 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,240 related to the letter. I know it does did in some way. 351 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:58,360 But with this letter writer, it sounds like she's she's chasing 352 00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:00,960 approval. She's she's chasing something 353 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:05,400 other than this guy's genuine affection, I think. 354 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,920 Yeah. It's approval is 1 possibility. 355 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:15,720 I can think of another and I can, I can think of this as a 356 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:22,080 possibility because like I've, yeah, I stayed in a shitty 357 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:27,160 relationship because of this, which is like, if everything 358 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:31,440 else is going badly and you, you just need a win, you just need 359 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,960 one stable thing. Right. 360 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:47,120 In your life, one thing that is not chaos and upheaval, but the 361 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:52,320 like, I mean, the diabolical thing about lying to yourself, 362 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:56,200 right, in order to stay in a relationship is that only later 363 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,200 do you realize that no, that relationship was chaos and 364 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,520 upheaval and it was making you feel worse, right? 365 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:06,200 And and probably preventing you from making progress toward 366 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,800 resolving the other chaos and upheaval. 367 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:12,320 Right. And the problem with what self 368 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:17,760 abandonment leads to is codependency because it leads 369 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:24,760 you to enter into relationships where you are constantly, you're 370 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:30,120 doing everything you can to maintain this person's love and 371 00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:32,320 affection. You know, it's not really love 372 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,440 and affection, is it it? It's not. 373 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:38,280 But you're doing everything you can and you're the, you're the, 374 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:42,480 you're the over giver. You're doing all the work. 375 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:49,000 You're you're playing every role because this thing in you that 376 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,840 it's and it really does feel like a compulsion you have to 377 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:58,520 the worst possible thing would be for them to to leave. 378 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:02,360 You right? Do you get the sense from this 379 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:06,760 guy that he's a little bit of a sadist? 380 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:15,840 I don't know enough, but those are the types of people that 381 00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:22,440 self abandoners tend to. Again, the self abandonment is 382 00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:26,680 typically a byproduct of an anxious attachment and and 383 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:31,680 people with anxious attachment are it's very common for them to 384 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,760 be drawn to avoidance. So I think I'm, I'm, I'm 385 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,520 comfortable saying he's an avoidant. 386 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:41,880 Well, here's here's why. I ask because he he definitely 387 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:46,240 seems to be going out of his way to be hurtful. 388 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:51,680 Here's here's just one example. OK, He said that he didn't know 389 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:55,800 if three months from now he'll still feel the same about her. 390 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,320 Uh huh. Is that a what? 391 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,160 Excuse what? Excuse me? 392 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,840 Right, that's an insanely insensitive thing to say. 393 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,720 It's fucking. Twisted it. 394 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:16,120 It is twisted but part of me is like is was this guy just, is he 395 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:19,480 just clueless or was he intentionally trying to hurt 396 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:20,880 her? I feel like we don't have enough 397 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:26,280 information to determine. Absolutely insensitive. 398 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:30,360 I don't know how he wouldn't know how something like that 399 00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:35,880 would be received. Like, also when he got back from 400 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:40,320 Italy and she was like, oh, you, you didn't really, you didn't 401 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,280 really, like, reach out to me at all. 402 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:45,640 And he was like, yeah, yeah, that's true. 403 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:53,200 Yeah. Also this whole like he's taking 404 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,040 and not giving during sex. Right. 405 00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,920 I don't care for that. Like at this point, what is he 406 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,880 even for? What are you for? 407 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:08,560 Sir, it's, it's like he's, it's like the fun for him is like 408 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:11,520 seeing how awful he can be, right? 409 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,640 And like how much she'll tolerate, right. 410 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,720 And I, and I'll tell you why I think that in addition to the 411 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:22,400 examples I recited, this gentleman's a few years older 412 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,360 now. She says he's slightly older. 413 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:28,040 We don't we don't know whether that means, you know, a year, 414 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,640 six months or 12 years or more, right? 415 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:38,880 Slightly older, right. He definitely just seems to be 416 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:45,440 of the belief that like he's the one who gets to set the pace. 417 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,720 Mm hmm. He's he's the prize to be won 418 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:57,920 here. Like I I honestly can't believe 419 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:02,560 he resurfaced after the first bad sex. 420 00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:05,320 Like what? What sort of a man has that 421 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:09,280 little dignity? Because it probably wasn't bad 422 00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:12,040 to him. Other other than a narcissist, 423 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:15,880 right? And you know, I don't throw that 424 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:23,960 word around lately, but I, I just think this guy is unkind. 425 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:29,240 I think he is going through something himself. 426 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,920 First of all, who takes this many guys trips? 427 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:35,640 Oh, I know where you're going with that. 428 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:40,160 Grow up, go to work. Somewhere else. 429 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:46,680 Well, I mean, we could, we could certainly go there, right? 430 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:47,640 Wait. A minute. 431 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:55,400 Do you remember that scene in Girls between Lena Dunham and 432 00:29:55,520 --> 00:30:00,160 Andrew Reynolds? And she, he, she, I guess they 433 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:01,920 did they hook up in college or something. 434 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:08,880 And she was very upset that he didn't come out to her. 435 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,480 Oh yeah, they dated in College in the show. 436 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:19,760 And and it somehow got around to why don't you worry about, why 437 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:21,240 don't you worry about your father? 438 00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:23,360 And she's like. Yeah, yeah. 439 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:30,920 Made that and and he said, oh, I did. 440 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:36,200 And she, he wears and she he said he wears A stud earring. 441 00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:39,440 Yeah, he goes, what's wrong with that? 442 00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:42,960 He got that when he was on one of his guy trips with his 443 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:44,400 friends. Yeah. 444 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:46,920 Andrew Reynolds goes do do we hear ourselves? 445 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:49,120 Yeah, we. Hear ourselves. 446 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:53,520 Right. Yeah. 447 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,440 Yeah, this. I don't think this guy is gay. 448 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:00,680 I I do think well. Well, we don't know. 449 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:04,520 Like it's too up in the air. No, it's too up in the air. 450 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,480 Something about this guy isn't right. 451 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:11,560 Yeah. Like something's not right. 452 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:15,920 He makes her cry, he lets her do all the work. 453 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:19,840 And that's the confusing part for me is, is he so friggin 454 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:23,280 lazy? Because she's always been doing 455 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:25,400 all the work and he's just letting her. 456 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,920 And he's definitely letting her. He literally said like, oh like 457 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,560 how things are now. I'm sure you do. 458 00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:35,840 Right. My guy, I'm sure you do right? 459 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:42,640 Right. So I guess what is what's her 460 00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:44,640 question here? I think. 461 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:49,400 I think she's basically asking like, I mean, the the question 462 00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:52,440 is what should I do, right? But she's already sort of like 463 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:56,680 getting to the answer, right? She's she's getting around to. 464 00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:58,640 I feel like I should end this, you know? 465 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:04,400 The most important thing she needs to do is put herself 466 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:07,480 first. Yeah, there's a a whole lot of 467 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:10,160 focus here at the end of the letter about asking him like, 468 00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:12,280 what do you even want from me, right. 469 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:16,800 And that's you're, yeah, like you're, that's a, that's a 470 00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:20,280 distraction, right? That you, that we present to 471 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:25,520 ourselves when we're like in these kinds of circuitous 472 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:30,080 relationships where we're just, yeah, we're doing all the work. 473 00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:35,600 And it's like, really not fun, but something is holding us in 474 00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:38,680 place. When someone is in a situation 475 00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:43,720 like this, what they need to do is ask themselves, are my needs 476 00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:46,960 being met in this moment? Are my exactly. 477 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:50,960 Are my needs being met? How do I feel about this, 478 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:58,000 really? How do I feel really think that 479 00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:01,160 through? How does this behavior or 480 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:05,440 whatever this person did? How does this make me feel right 481 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:09,480 now? Does it make me feel dismissed? 482 00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:14,200 Does it make me angry? Does it make me sad? 483 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:18,560 Because the the more you do that and the more you're able to 484 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:22,280 identify these feelings and these moments, the more you're 485 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:26,880 going to be able to catch what's going on in the moment to 486 00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:28,480 prevent it. Right. 487 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:31,880 Well, she does say, you know, she feels, she feels like he's 488 00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:35,640 disappointing. And to me, it's not clear from 489 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:39,440 the letter, like what seemed promising about him. 490 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:44,240 They had like they had a good time on their dates, I guess, 491 00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:45,760 right? So he's a decent 492 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:48,600 conversationalist. He's at least somewhat fun to 493 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,280 hang out with. But like my friend, that's the 494 00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:53,920 minimum. That is the that is the bare 495 00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:56,800 minimum. The minimum, every woman you 496 00:33:56,800 --> 00:34:00,840 know is a good conversationalist, right? 497 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:04,400 So we're not awarding bonus points for that, right? 498 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,760 And this whole like, oh, it's like really confusing. 499 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:08,840 I don't know what he wants from me. 500 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:10,480 Who cares? Right. 501 00:34:10,679 --> 00:34:12,960 Who cares what he wants? But this is what I mean. 502 00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:19,960 Women are raised to put their needs second, right? 503 00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:23,360 Always about well, what does he think of me? 504 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,080 Well, what is he? What is he looking for? 505 00:34:25,199 --> 00:34:27,320 Who cares? Who cares what are you? 506 00:34:27,639 --> 00:34:29,400 Looking for. Right. 507 00:34:30,199 --> 00:34:33,120 What are you looking for? Right, Sounds like it's like 508 00:34:33,159 --> 00:34:34,040 this. Right. 509 00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:37,840 What do you want? Is this person giving it to you? 510 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:41,560 And let's be clear, these kinds of moments of self abandonment, 511 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:44,080 they don't just occur in romantic relationships. 512 00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:48,239 They occur in platonic relationships, relationships 513 00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:51,639 with siblings or parents, relationships at work. 514 00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:56,239 And that's when you fall into that codependent pattern and you 515 00:34:56,239 --> 00:35:02,240 become intertwined with somebody who is. 516 00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:06,800 Disappointing. Who is disappointing but worse? 517 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:12,120 Who might be sadistic, who might be narcissistic, but who is most 518 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:17,840 certainly toxic for you? Yeah, right. 519 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:25,480 So This is why you need to go into all of these situations, 520 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:30,360 putting your goals, your intentions, your feelings, your 521 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:33,400 needs first. Center yourself. 522 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:41,120 Center yourself and that will help avoid or prevent the self 523 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:44,560 abandonment, right? Because if you're centering 524 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,880 yourself, you're not abandoning yourself. 525 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:49,960 Well, that's true. Well, that's true. 526 00:35:51,720 --> 00:35:55,000 So. I I I hope we get a follow up to 527 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:56,560 this. I want to follow up. 528 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:02,640 I'm going to say fuck that guy. This doesn't sound like a nice 529 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:05,040 person. He doesn't sound like he treats 530 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:07,160 you well. And here's the thing. 531 00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:15,440 You need to get to that place where you are ready to let go. 532 00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:18,360 And you, you might not be there yet, right? 533 00:36:18,720 --> 00:36:21,360 Right. Because quite honestly, you're 534 00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:23,160 in the beginnings of a trauma bond. 535 00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:25,520 I can tell right now. Yeah. 536 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:29,800 With these push and pull antics from this guy, you are on the 537 00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:34,280 brink of a trauma bond. So this is this is the time. 538 00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:38,200 This is it's go time right now. Yeah. 539 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:44,680 Because if you continue in this relationship without having this 540 00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:47,520 conversation and honestly I don't even think it's worth 541 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:49,280 having a conversation with this person. 542 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:50,840 Oh no, I don't. I don't either. 543 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,000 What would be the point of that, right? 544 00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:56,480 Because he's going to tell you exactly what he did, didn't he? 545 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,440 Didn't she say, oh, I said something when he cried? 546 00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:01,800 Oh no, he cried. That was sorry. 547 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:03,440 That was another e-mail I got today. 548 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:06,720 Sorry, sorry, sorry. Well, I mean, I think what he'll 549 00:37:06,720 --> 00:37:14,680 do is he'll say something vague and opaque that gives her just 550 00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:19,080 enough hope to stick around, but that doesn't commit him to 551 00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:22,760 behaving better in the future. That's what he'll do. 552 00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:25,880 Right. It it really is just pointless. 553 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:27,800 We've said this so many times before. 554 00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:31,000 It's so pointless to ask this person, are you just looking for 555 00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,040 sex? What are you looking for? 556 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:38,640 Because what is the other thing? What would you like from me? 557 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:40,760 Again, nobody cares what he wants from you. 558 00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:47,840 Nobody, certainly not you, cares what he wants. 559 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:53,440 What do you want from him? You have to reframe these 560 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:58,440 situations and put yourself 1st. And there's no point in having a 561 00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:00,880 conversation with somebody like this because, as we saw it in 562 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:04,840 this letter, he's just going to tell her what she needs to hear. 563 00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:07,160 Yeah, right. In order to stay for that 564 00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,120 moment, Right. But he's not going to say 565 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,640 anything that commits him to behaving better in the future, 566 00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,040 correct, Because he doesn't plan to do that. 567 00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:17,240 Absolutely. This is why it's so it's so 568 00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:20,040 pointless to confront men in general, right? 569 00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:27,200 Like, because if you get to the point of having to ask someone 570 00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:30,640 to treat you better, you've already you're already in it too 571 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:31,040 long. You've. 572 00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:34,280 Already lost. You've already lost. 573 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:38,640 That's just the truth. Yeah. 574 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,720 So which I hope. We're, I hope we're not being 575 00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:46,120 too harsh, except to this guy, 'cause he sucks, yeah. 576 00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:50,000 We're being harsh to her. Yeah, but I, I just really feel 577 00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:53,400 like it's, it's worth, yeah, doing some reflection and trying 578 00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:58,160 to figure out like what his what has kept you in place here, 579 00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:01,280 'cause it right. It's not his personality, it's 580 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:04,320 not his Dick game. It it's absolutely not. 581 00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,280 So what is it? He's barely giving you 582 00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:08,880 attention. He's not meeting your needs 583 00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:10,800 physically, emotionally or sexually. 584 00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:13,640 What does the what do you for, Sir? 585 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,240 What are you for? What? 586 00:39:16,240 --> 00:39:18,200 What is he doing? What is he doing? 587 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:20,840 He's going on plenty of guys trips that sounds like. 588 00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:23,000 Do we hear? Ourselves. 589 00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:29,800 Do we hear ourselves? I think, I think we, I think we 590 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:31,960 do. Oh, I love Andrew Reynolds. 591 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:34,800 Listen the IT is fucking weird, right? 592 00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:36,840 Who? First of all, who goes on to 593 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:40,440 like back-to-back trips? It's one thing if it's a 594 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:43,760 bachelor party. You're OK. 595 00:39:44,240 --> 00:39:46,320 Right. But if it's just like, hey, the 596 00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:48,800 guys are going away. Hey, I've never heard of men 597 00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:50,760 just going away to go away. No. 598 00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:53,640 No, unless it's like a fishing trip. 599 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:55,200 Like there's got to be something. 600 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:59,000 So it's so and so's wedding. It's it's a battery, it's a 601 00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:02,800 fishing trip, OK, but you're just like going away. 602 00:40:03,720 --> 00:40:06,000 It's fucking weird. Fucking weird there. 603 00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:10,120 Because first of all, why does he have so many friends who were 604 00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:11,600 able to do this? His friends aren't in 605 00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:14,600 relationships either, right? It's fucking weird. 606 00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:19,160 Right I I. Think it's. 607 00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:21,600 Yeah, I don't. I mean, listen. 608 00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:26,200 Are we hearing that? I. 609 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:30,080 I. Am sympathetic to like prolonged 610 00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:34,480 adolescence and like, you know, if you don't finish college 611 00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:38,080 until 22 when you go to grad school and you're 25, I'm like, 612 00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:42,400 yeah, 28 feels pretty young. But like if you're saying a guy 613 00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:48,040 who's like 2829 and up and most of his friends are not in 614 00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:51,720 relationships, immediately sirens. 615 00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:53,400 Right. Sirens. 616 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:56,240 Red flags? What's going on there? 617 00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:59,720 For sure. Yeah, that's and something else 618 00:40:59,720 --> 00:41:01,480 you need to you need to pay. It's fucking weird. 619 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,480 It's weird. Listen, I want to go back to 620 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:10,880 this unpredictability and the push and pull, OK? 621 00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:17,440 That has the potential to open old wounds, which is the other 622 00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:20,200 reason why I really want to start doing this introspection, 623 00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:23,720 so that when this happens again, because when those wounds get 624 00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:29,760 open, it's going to be so much more difficult to extricate 625 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:34,320 yourself from the situation. Right. 626 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:39,360 And I'd like to respond to that situation alone, right? 627 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:42,920 Say that again. And and to be responsive to that 628 00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:46,600 situation alone, right, it's gonna just like heighten your 629 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:49,680 emotions. Yes, it's also going to re 630 00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:53,840 traumatize you. That's tomato, Tomato. 631 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:57,400 Right. It's you're just going through 632 00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:59,800 another trauma and another trauma and it's just going to be 633 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:04,240 going over and over. And I can't impress upon you how 634 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:08,760 unhealthy that is for your brain and for your nervous system and 635 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:13,000 for all kinds of systems in your body and what it does to you. 636 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:17,400 So when you find your, if you're at the point where you're 637 00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:21,480 thinking, should I talk to him about this because you're so 638 00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:23,680 frustrated? I'm sorry. 639 00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:27,360 That is the time to cut and run. That is the red flag, the 640 00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:30,760 reddest of red flags, Right, Right. 641 00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:35,200 That's my take. So, I mean, I think we should be 642 00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:38,840 really specific too about how she ought to extricate herself. 643 00:42:40,720 --> 00:42:43,960 It's very simple, I think. Block his number. 644 00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:45,840 Right. That's it. 645 00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:48,480 Right. I wouldn't even say anything. 646 00:42:48,720 --> 00:42:52,880 Right. I mean he doesn't deserve more 647 00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:54,560 than a ghost. He doesn't. 648 00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:56,040 So ghost is ass. Right. 649 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:59,800 He really doesn't and you're, you're gonna cave. 650 00:42:59,960 --> 00:43:03,400 I know we all do and that's OK, right? 651 00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:08,160 What matters is you catch yourself caving and walk 652 00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:11,400 yourself through it. Will this presence person ever 653 00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:14,720 met any of my needs? How did I feel when I was with 654 00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:16,720 him? What emotions? 655 00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:21,920 What emotions did I go through because of this person and he 656 00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:30,000 did he ever really acknowledge my feelings and will this will 657 00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,440 this help me or will this hurt me? 658 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:35,440 Because it might help you in the short term because you'll get 659 00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:39,920 that dopamine surge. But what's going, what's it 660 00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:43,320 going to do to you in the long term if you continue this 661 00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,640 relationship? That's what you have to think 662 00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:47,320 about. I don't think there would be 663 00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:51,120 anything wrong with writing him a firmly worded letter and then 664 00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:53,920 just never ever sending it. Yes, I would. 665 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:56,040 I love that. I love that. 666 00:43:57,120 --> 00:44:00,880 Write it out, get it out. Put but put it away. 667 00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:03,520 Yeah, don't. Certainly don't send it because 668 00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:04,880 he doesn't care, right? Doesn't. 669 00:44:05,240 --> 00:44:06,560 Care. And that's the unfortunate 670 00:44:06,560 --> 00:44:08,560 thing. He does not care. 671 00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:10,880 And we don't say that to be hurtful. 672 00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:16,120 We say it because it's true. Yeah, well, and the other thing 673 00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:19,400 is I feel like a lot of times with guys like this especially 674 00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:25,920 like if if you appear to be hurt it like it like strokes their 675 00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:29,120 ego. Yes, and if he is a sadist, 676 00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:33,600 that's that. That's like waving a red flag in 677 00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:35,680 front of a bull. Right. 678 00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,000 And it's like, right, like the biggest compliment you could 679 00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:41,200 give him is letting him know you is pain, that he hurt your 680 00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:42,440 feelings. We're not giving him the 681 00:44:42,440 --> 00:44:45,000 satisfaction. Right, right. 682 00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:49,840 So we're saying fuck that guy. Emphatically. 683 00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:54,120 And we're saying follow up. We love our follow up. 684 00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:56,920 Yeah, Just like Sarah is about the Ke$ha concert. 685 00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,600 All right, you guys, this is a free episode. 686 00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:04,480 If you want to hear our. We do bonus podcast episodes 687 00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:06,760 with the dating advice and pop culture analysis. 688 00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:10,120 And if you want the worth, You're Worth the Wait podcast 689 00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:14,480 where we talk about mental health and our GLP one journey 690 00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:17,560 and ADHD. If you want all of those 691 00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:21,120 episodes and all that content, go to patreon.com/dataology 692 00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:25,240 Coach and become a subscriber. Follow us on Instagram at 693 00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:27,680 Dataology pod. You can follow me on Instagram 694 00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:34,240 at the Kristen CHRISTANM and make sure to follow me on TikTok 695 00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:37,960 and YouTube at dataology coach and my character analysis. 696 00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:42,000 Send in your questions to hello@dataologycoach.com or just 697 00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:44,880 go to the website and you can submit the letter through there. 698 00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,400 Sarah, final thoughts. Anything keep. 699 00:45:47,400 --> 00:45:51,000 Your chin up and your tits out. That's right, tits out baby. 700 00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:54,560 Center yourself blog. Witches value your time. 701 00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:56,360 Goodbye, bye.