It all do coach podcast. Hi, Sarah.
Hey, Kristen. Hey girl.
Hey, So how was your day today bud?
It was busy, you know, just full of stuff to hate about my job
per use. But I mean, you know, the same
boat as everyone else, right? Like I don't want to complain
too much about my job right now because, well, AI feel like you
can't relate anyway, right? OK.
And I don't know, like I just, you know, I assume we're not
done with the recession. We're speed running into right
and that more people are going to lose their jobs and so on and
so forth. But but for now, I have a
dilemma. I need I need you to weigh in on
this dilemma. You know, I, I think I've
mentioned on the pod before, like going to concerts that I
like to see live music, right? When I tell you that in in all
earnesty, my husband and I both are Ke$ha fans.
Please believe it. And so and so my dilemma today
was, well, do I, should I buy tickets to the Ke$ha Tits Out
tour? I don't know.
Here's here's why I'm
hesitating. This is the only reason it's
going to be late July. Right.
That fucking sucks. I don't, I don't want to be
outside for anything, right? Right.
Yeah. That's all.
Yeah, for me in the heat, absolutely not.
It's listen, it's gotta be somebody pretty big from wanna
sacrifice my comfort, especially if you're gonna be paying a lot
of money and be uncomfortable. Yeah, well, listen, there's it's
Ke$ha's not the only artist that's gonna be there, right?
It's Ke$ha and Scissor Sisters and Slater and a fourth artist I
can't remember. All right, I like sisters, so
now I'm a little more like it could because they sing.
What was that song? Let's.
Have a Kiki. Let's have a Kiki right?
Which I that song. So go and listen up all.
Right, so we could have a Kiki we.
Could have a Kiki in 90° weather.
Yeah, I guess I just, you know, I had such a good time at the
Sweat tour that I, I just feel like, man, if I could socially
engineer every live music event that I go to from now on to just
be full of girls and gays and nays.
Right. And my husband, right?
That's a good time, you know. Yes, yes, I.
Don't know, tough call. Tough.
Well, it's not tough for me. Well, with the exception of the
Scissor Sisters, but the heat would be a hard pass for me.
Yeah, I mean, that's the only thing.
That's the only thing you know. But I'll, I'll let you know what
I said. We.
Do follow up. You know we follow up.
Yeah. So we got a a pretty meaty
letter and there is a lot to unpack, unpack with it, but one
topic in particular that we've never talked about before, so
I'm excited. Would you like me to read it?
Always Sarah. OK, here we go.
The message says. I am a 28 year old female and
I've been dating this guy slightly older than me for a
couple of months now. From the beginning it progressed
slowly. It took him four weeks to ask me
out and he wasn't fond of texting me either.
He'd respond to me very late at night which made me think that
he might be involved with someone else and I wasn't too
keen on initiating a date as I waited for him to do that.
So he did and we went out and it was fun.
It was funny. And after a lot of dates and
testing him, as I clearly stated I didn't want just a situation
ship or a booty call, we had sex.
I felt like it was right, but then the sex was weird.
It was like with pauses. Anyway, I started to understand
him and get him and we worked it out.
I wasn't very feely or needy at the time, so I let him let him
go. He went on vacation with his
friends to Italy and didn't text me for a whole week.
I didn't mind for some reason and I didn't expect him to text
when he came back to the city. At first I was hesitant and
denied meeting with him, saying that I've been through some
stuff and I didn't feel like he really cared since he never
texted me during his vacation. Well, he agreed that I was right
and after his persuasion, we went out again.
Parentheses. Why do we give so many chances?
This time when we went out, it was really a bonding experience.
We were inseparable for three days straight and it was fun and
I felt some things while being closer to him.
He treated me right and I actually love that but he went
back to being his original self and not texting as much and then
I felt like he was pulling away. I didn't say anything but when
we met I asked him if he wanted to share anything and he said
no, just kept looking at his phone.
Then he said to me that he's confused with things from the
past and I said OK I'm not in the past though I'm right here
now and he told me sorry. I told him to take his time if
he needed it and he said he did not.
And so we met last night and after a lot of days, even though
I asked him to make plans earlier but he said he had been
out with friends. So I said OK but I asked you
first for a day to see you because it had been almost a
week and I hadn't seen him and he made plans with his friends
first which I found really dumb of him.
Anyway, I said I wasn't available just any time he
wanted so he went out two days after he initiated because from
my past experience it's best not to be available all the time
because then they will take you for granted.
Parentheses most people but not everyone.
He told me he was leaving again to go on a guy's trip to the UK
and he'd be back in a week or so.
We did do something sexual but it feels like I try more than he
does. He used to be a giver too but
it's like he only took from me and I hate that it's not even
trying at this point from his side.
He doesn't even like grab me or kiss me like what the fuck is
this even? We left kind of early and he
dropped me off near my place and he asked me why I was angry.
I replied I wasn't angry and truly I wasn't but I was
disappointed which is a terrible thing to be.
I told him you can't just take and not give and then I asked
what would you like from me? Would you like to have
experiences? Please let me know so I can
leave and not get hurt again. Are you too high on the body
count because I'm not interested in just being a booty call.
He denied these things and said he likes things as they are but
I'm confused and I'm disappointed and he makes me
cry. So this isn't fucking right
anymore. I'm thinking of what I need to
do even though I I know I should probably just let go.
The worst thing he said which freaked me out, is that he
doesn't know whether in three months from now he'll still feel
like he does now. I asked what does that mean and
he said nobody can promise forever.
Fucking hell guys I need advice what should I do?
I'm thinking of ending this. So there's a lot to unpack here,
right? Because there there just seems
to be a lot of worries and a lot of concerns like is he just
using me for sex? Where is this going?
Why isn't he more commutative when we're not together?
And these things, along with the fact that she said that she sort
of, she feels like she's doing more of the work.
These are all earmarks of self abandonment.
And that's something we've never really talked about.
That's true. And self abandonment is when we
obviously abandoned or override our own needs and feelings and
desires for the benefit of somebody else.
We make ourselves smaller in the relationship.
We we minimize our own feelings. You know, we'll say something
like, oh, well, he was away with Italy and, you know, he was with
friends. He was busy and and it's only
been a. Couple I'm probably
overreacting. Right, I'm probably
overreacting. He first she says in the letter
that she didn't mind for some reason that she didn't hear from
him, but then later in the letter she's obviously bothered
by it because she brings it up. And this is what I mean.
She sounds like she's constantly pushing her feelings down and
more concerned with not being needy or not pushing him away
than she is maintaining a very genuine affection.
To me, it doesn't even sound like she cares about this guy
but is more concerned with not losing him, if that makes sense.
And that is classic self abandonment.
And that comes from being somebody who maybe as a child,
maybe as a young adult, felt like you had to earn the love or
the approval of primary caregivers, of parents, of
friends. It's more than being a people
pleaser. It's, it's this sort of almost
bottomless need to, to get validation and, and get and get
attention. If, and that's what this sounds
like, it sounds like she wants this attention.
She wants to be a a priority to this guy, but she's hesitant to
bring it up and probably keeps her mouth shut and keeps her
mouth shut and keeps her mouth shut until it festers.
Yeah. And then she says something
right? Well, he's certainly giving all
kinds of things lots of time to fester.
All the time, it sounds like. I mean all, all kinds of time
and space to fester. Right.
And and that's what's so concerning is he very clearly is
not treating her, her well. Yeah.
She said he makes me cry over and over.
In this letter, she is minimizing her own feelings.
And and it when you start doing that, you, you, you have to
start paying attention to it. And The thing is, a lot of times
when we are in that process of self abandonment, we don't
realize that we were, we were minimizing our feelings or, or
doing all the work because that's what she was doing in
this. She was doing all the work.
She, she said it sometimes or most of the time, we don't even
realize we're doing this until after the fact.
And when you do, what's important is to notice it when
it's, you know, at at any point, whether it's before, during or
after. So that pretty soon you'll go
from noticing this after the fact to noticing this in the
moment and being able to stop it, you know?
So to me, it just sounds like she is working very, very hard
to get this guy's approval and he'll give it to her when he
feels like giving it to her. But when he doesn't, he doesn't.
And that's, that's that problem, right?
That's where, you know, we'll go 2-3 days without hearing from
somebody and we'll start getting all anxious and we'll start
getting the knots in our stomach and the anxiety starts to build.
And then they contact us and it's this big whoosh of relief.
But it's, but it's bigger than that.
It's like this, this sort of euphoria.
And in that euphoria, we're so happy that they contacted us
because that tells us, see, we're OK.
They want us. They want us.
We're so high on that dopamine rush.
We've now forgotten. They've completely ignored us
for three days. And this is what happens in
these kinds of inconsistent relationships.
Yeah, that the the rush of the dopamine causes us to forget or
or push it aside. Great.
Yeah, disregard. Disregard it, that's a better
one. What are your thoughts?
I have never heard the term self abandonment.
I think that's really interesting.
But I think my take on this is really, it is essentially the
same without. Yeah, well, I wasn't going to
use the term self abandonment because I didn't know it.
But what it, you know what? What it seemed like to me is
that above all else, she was prioritizing being in a
relationship, not necessarily this one.
I don't think it's about this guy.
Right. And that's the good news, I
think, is that she seems, you know, like on a, on a, on a
logical and rational level to realize like this guy ain't
shit. Right, right.
And it really sounds to me as though when she's out of it,
right when she's out of the haze and she has that time to
decompress, is when she starts being honest with herself about
how this guy is making her feel. Yeah, So what I was actually
thinking about when I read this letter is like, well, what's
what's got her stuck here, right?
Like what is making her prioritize this relationship
which seems to have pretty minimal reward for either of
them, right? It sounds like the sex is not
great. Right.
It sounds like they both kind of agree, like, yeah, I could take
you or leave you. Like, I don't really miss you
when you're gone. Like, like, to be saying these
kinds of things to each other. I know they weren't, like,
neither of them was that blunt, I hope.
But essentially, yeah, if you're telling someone like, oh, I
didn't miss you when you were gone, and it's like the very
beginning of a relationship, it's not good.
It's like a sign. It's not.
And there was another, I think
sort of tell in this letter is when she said I, you know, I
tested him. Yeah, yeah, she's very concerned
about. Being used for sex.
Well, she's, she's concerned about like doing things the the
right way, I think just in general.
Right. Yeah.
It doesn't want to be used for sex, which I get.
No one does. Right.
Yeah. Wanting, wanting to vet him,
wanting to be sure about things, which I guess is how we ended up
receiving this letter, right. Because I think, you know, it
sounds like she's getting to a place where she's not as tied up
in her feelings about this and can realize, I mean, she even
says like, this isn't right anymore.
Right. Right, I should probably let go.
Right, but that's the trick, isn't it?
Yep, it is the trick. Is letting go and a lot of
people who who are sort of, let's say engaged in self
abandonment, they prioritize keeping that person because if
they can keep them, that means they're OK, right?
Right. Yeah.
That determines their worth and their value.
And that stems from relationships that you have
during very formative years. And this is, listen, my
relationship with my dad was like this.
My dad was, I've always said he's a who's an excellent
provider. He, he instilled so many great
values in me, but he was raised by a woman who never
acknowledged his achievements, his character, really anything.
And so right. And so because that's how he was
raised, he turned around and he was the same way.
And so I spent the majority of my life seeking his approval.
Nothing I did was good enough but also he always made me feel
like I was falling short. Right because I was the smart
one. I was the one who went to
college and he didn't approve of my career path.
Mainly because well there's no 4O14-O1K and there's no
insurance. Well welcome to 2025 where
nobody has a fucking 4 O 1K at this point.
Or or no one people are are going it's going to be drained.
But he was more worried about my security more than anything.
Else. Like he had always said, I don't
care if you sweep the streets and he meant that as long as you
were taken care of, like you had something secure that you could
count on. And it was so frustrating.
And I'll never forget this was probably like 2 months before he
died. We got into some fight on the
phone and I said, you know, dad, I'm a good person.
I'm a kind person. I'm honest, I'm hard working, I
help people. And you never acknowledge that.
I mean, I, I, that it was, that was like the conversation I can
remember having with my dad. You never.
And I, I remember, I, I can look, I knew exactly where I was
standing in my apartment and I remember like my body was
vibrating at this point. I was.
So it wasn't even anger. It was such frustration that my
father was just swimming against the tide and what are you going
to do? And he was just always about
please just come home. Please just come home because he
was terrified, obviously, you know, he wanted me to live
closer to home. And that was how he was going to
do it. And my thought was, if this is
how it's going to be, I'm never going to come home.
But he was doing his shtick of what are you doing?
You're not going anywhere. You're, you know, I don't know,
basically just criticizing me and I, I didn't.
Know this? I didn't know this had been
happening. Oh, I just lost it.
I not lost it on him, but just, it was just this.
I like I said, I was shaking. I was so frustrated because I
feel felt like, why don't you see me?
Why don't you see who I've become?
And I might not be working in a job you thought I was going to
be in. I might not be in some fancy
apt. I might not be married.
I might not be have kids. I might not have kids.
But Dad, I have such a good heart.
Yeah, I am so kind, and I'm a good person and I help people
and I work hard and I'm honest and I am all these things that
in my opinion, matter way more. And I understood why he was
concerned about. He knew he was going to die and
he was worried who's going to take care of her because she's
not married, so who's she going to have?
I mean, how quaint that he thought like marriage was any
kind of insurance policy. My father never thought that I
told you we know this story. My my grandfather dropped dead.
My grandmother ended up having to take everything over.
So my father grew up knowing marriage is not a guarantee for
a woman. Yeah, but you just said, you
know, he, that was his, that was in his thoughts, right?
That was definitely in his thoughts, definitely in his
thoughts and I just when he died, it was just such a relief.
I know that sounds crazy. Not though.
But it was such a relief. Yeah.
I no longer had to meet this, this absolutely unachievable
expectation, but that relationship with my father
informed all of my romantic relationships, right?
It was, it was always about if they stay, I'm OK.
If they leave, it's because there's something wrong with me.
And having them stay meant well. I didn't have to look.
I didn't have to do that inner work stuff.
Yeah, you're good. Good as this, right?
Right. So I guess I don't know how this
related to the letter. I know it does did in some way.
But with this letter writer, it sounds like she's she's chasing
approval. She's she's chasing something
other than this guy's genuine affection, I think.
Yeah. It's approval is 1 possibility.
I can think of another and I can, I can think of this as a
possibility because like I've, yeah, I stayed in a shitty
relationship because of this, which is like, if everything
else is going badly and you, you just need a win, you just need
one stable thing. Right.
In your life, one thing that is not chaos and upheaval, but the
like, I mean, the diabolical thing about lying to yourself,
right, in order to stay in a relationship is that only later
do you realize that no, that relationship was chaos and
upheaval and it was making you feel worse, right?
And and probably preventing you from making progress toward
resolving the other chaos and upheaval.
Right. And the problem with what self
abandonment leads to is codependency because it leads
you to enter into relationships where you are constantly, you're
doing everything you can to maintain this person's love and
affection. You know, it's not really love
and affection, is it it? It's not.
But you're doing everything you can and you're the, you're the,
you're the over giver. You're doing all the work.
You're you're playing every role because this thing in you that
it's and it really does feel like a compulsion you have to
the worst possible thing would be for them to to leave.
You right? Do you get the sense from this
guy that he's a little bit of a sadist?
I don't know enough, but those are the types of people that
self abandoners tend to. Again, the self abandonment is
typically a byproduct of an anxious attachment and and
people with anxious attachment are it's very common for them to
be drawn to avoidance. So I think I'm, I'm, I'm
comfortable saying he's an avoidant.
Well, here's here's why. I ask because he he definitely
seems to be going out of his way to be hurtful.
Here's here's just one example. OK, He said that he didn't know
if three months from now he'll still feel the same about her.
Uh huh. Is that a what?
Excuse what? Excuse me?
Right, that's an insanely insensitive thing to say.
It's fucking. Twisted it.
It is twisted but part of me is like is was this guy just, is he
just clueless or was he intentionally trying to hurt
her? I feel like we don't have enough
information to determine. Absolutely insensitive.
I don't know how he wouldn't know how something like that
would be received. Like, also when he got back from
Italy and she was like, oh, you, you didn't really, you didn't
really, like, reach out to me at all.
And he was like, yeah, yeah, that's true.
Yeah. Also this whole like he's taking
and not giving during sex. Right.
I don't care for that. Like at this point, what is he
even for? What are you for?
Sir, it's, it's like he's, it's like the fun for him is like
seeing how awful he can be, right?
And like how much she'll tolerate, right.
And I, and I'll tell you why I think that in addition to the
examples I recited, this gentleman's a few years older
now. She says he's slightly older.
We don't we don't know whether that means, you know, a year,
six months or 12 years or more, right?
Slightly older, right. He definitely just seems to be
of the belief that like he's the one who gets to set the pace.
Mm hmm. He's he's the prize to be won
here. Like I I honestly can't believe
he resurfaced after the first bad sex.
Like what? What sort of a man has that
little dignity? Because it probably wasn't bad
to him. Other other than a narcissist,
right? And you know, I don't throw that
word around lately, but I, I just think this guy is unkind.
I think he is going through something himself.
First of all, who takes this many guys trips?
Oh, I know where you're going with that.
Grow up, go to work. Somewhere else.
Well, I mean, we could, we could certainly go there, right?
Wait. A minute.
Do you remember that scene in Girls between Lena Dunham and
Andrew Reynolds? And she, he, she, I guess they
did they hook up in college or something.
And she was very upset that he didn't come out to her.
Oh yeah, they dated in College in the show.
And and it somehow got around to why don't you worry about, why
don't you worry about your father?
And she's like. Yeah, yeah.
Made that and and he said, oh, I did.
And she, he wears and she he said he wears A stud earring.
Yeah, he goes, what's wrong with that?
He got that when he was on one of his guy trips with his
friends. Yeah.
Andrew Reynolds goes do do we hear ourselves?
Yeah, we. Hear ourselves.
Right. Yeah.
Yeah, this. I don't think this guy is gay.
I I do think well. Well, we don't know.
Like it's too up in the air. No, it's too up in the air.
Something about this guy isn't right.
Yeah. Like something's not right.
He makes her cry, he lets her do all the work.
And that's the confusing part for me is, is he so friggin
lazy? Because she's always been doing
all the work and he's just letting her.
And he's definitely letting her. He literally said like, oh like
how things are now. I'm sure you do.
Right. My guy, I'm sure you do right?
Right. So I guess what is what's her
question here? I think.
I think she's basically asking like, I mean, the the question
is what should I do, right? But she's already sort of like
getting to the answer, right? She's she's getting around to.
I feel like I should end this, you know?
The most important thing she needs to do is put herself
first. Yeah, there's a a whole lot of
focus here at the end of the letter about asking him like,
what do you even want from me, right.
And that's you're, yeah, like you're, that's a, that's a
distraction, right? That you, that we present to
ourselves when we're like in these kinds of circuitous
relationships where we're just, yeah, we're doing all the work.
And it's like, really not fun, but something is holding us in
place. When someone is in a situation
like this, what they need to do is ask themselves, are my needs
being met in this moment? Are my exactly.
Are my needs being met? How do I feel about this,
really? How do I feel really think that
through? How does this behavior or
whatever this person did? How does this make me feel right
now? Does it make me feel dismissed?
Does it make me angry? Does it make me sad?
Because the the more you do that and the more you're able to
identify these feelings and these moments, the more you're
going to be able to catch what's going on in the moment to
prevent it. Right.
Well, she does say, you know, she feels, she feels like he's
disappointing. And to me, it's not clear from
the letter, like what seemed promising about him.
They had like they had a good time on their dates, I guess,
right? So he's a decent
conversationalist. He's at least somewhat fun to
hang out with. But like my friend, that's the
minimum. That is the that is the bare
minimum. The minimum, every woman you
know is a good conversationalist, right?
So we're not awarding bonus points for that, right?
And this whole like, oh, it's like really confusing.
I don't know what he wants from me.
Who cares? Right.
Who cares what he wants? But this is what I mean.
Women are raised to put their needs second, right?
Always about well, what does he think of me?
Well, what is he? What is he looking for?
Who cares? Who cares what are you?
Looking for. Right.
What are you looking for? Right, Sounds like it's like
this. Right.
What do you want? Is this person giving it to you?
And let's be clear, these kinds of moments of self abandonment,
they don't just occur in romantic relationships.
They occur in platonic relationships, relationships
with siblings or parents, relationships at work.
And that's when you fall into that codependent pattern and you
become intertwined with somebody who is.
Disappointing. Who is disappointing but worse?
Who might be sadistic, who might be narcissistic, but who is most
certainly toxic for you? Yeah, right.
So This is why you need to go into all of these situations,
putting your goals, your intentions, your feelings, your
needs first. Center yourself.
Center yourself and that will help avoid or prevent the self
abandonment, right? Because if you're centering
yourself, you're not abandoning yourself.
Well, that's true. Well, that's true.
So. I I I hope we get a follow up to
this. I want to follow up.
I'm going to say fuck that guy. This doesn't sound like a nice
person. He doesn't sound like he treats
you well. And here's the thing.
You need to get to that place where you are ready to let go.
And you, you might not be there yet, right?
Right. Because quite honestly, you're
in the beginnings of a trauma bond.
I can tell right now. Yeah.
With these push and pull antics from this guy, you are on the
brink of a trauma bond. So this is this is the time.
This is it's go time right now. Yeah.
Because if you continue in this relationship without having this
conversation and honestly I don't even think it's worth
having a conversation with this person.
Oh no, I don't. I don't either.
What would be the point of that, right?
Because he's going to tell you exactly what he did, didn't he?
Didn't she say, oh, I said something when he cried?
Oh no, he cried. That was sorry.
That was another e-mail I got today.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Well, I mean, I think what he'll
do is he'll say something vague and opaque that gives her just
enough hope to stick around, but that doesn't commit him to
behaving better in the future. That's what he'll do.
Right. It it really is just pointless.
We've said this so many times before.
It's so pointless to ask this person, are you just looking for
sex? What are you looking for?
Because what is the other thing? What would you like from me?
Again, nobody cares what he wants from you.
Nobody, certainly not you, cares what he wants.
What do you want from him? You have to reframe these
situations and put yourself 1st. And there's no point in having a
conversation with somebody like this because, as we saw it in
this letter, he's just going to tell her what she needs to hear.
Yeah, right. In order to stay for that
moment, Right. But he's not going to say
anything that commits him to behaving better in the future,
correct, Because he doesn't plan to do that.
Absolutely. This is why it's so it's so
pointless to confront men in general, right?
Like, because if you get to the point of having to ask someone
to treat you better, you've already you're already in it too
long. You've.
Already lost. You've already lost.
That's just the truth. Yeah.
So which I hope. We're, I hope we're not being
too harsh, except to this guy, 'cause he sucks, yeah.
We're being harsh to her. Yeah, but I, I just really feel
like it's, it's worth, yeah, doing some reflection and trying
to figure out like what his what has kept you in place here,
'cause it right. It's not his personality, it's
not his Dick game. It it's absolutely not.
So what is it? He's barely giving you
attention. He's not meeting your needs
physically, emotionally or sexually.
What does the what do you for, Sir?
What are you for? What?
What is he doing? What is he doing?
He's going on plenty of guys trips that sounds like.
Do we hear? Ourselves.
Do we hear ourselves? I think, I think we, I think we
do. Oh, I love Andrew Reynolds.
Listen the IT is fucking weird, right?
Who? First of all, who goes on to
like back-to-back trips? It's one thing if it's a
bachelor party. You're OK.
Right. But if it's just like, hey, the
guys are going away. Hey, I've never heard of men
just going away to go away. No.
No, unless it's like a fishing trip.
Like there's got to be something.
So it's so and so's wedding. It's it's a battery, it's a
fishing trip, OK, but you're just like going away.
It's fucking weird. Fucking weird there.
Because first of all, why does he have so many friends who were
able to do this? His friends aren't in
relationships either, right? It's fucking weird.
Right I I. Think it's.
Yeah, I don't. I mean, listen.
Are we hearing that? I.
Am sympathetic to like prolonged
adolescence and like, you know, if you don't finish college
until 22 when you go to grad school and you're 25, I'm like,
yeah, 28 feels pretty young. But like if you're saying a guy
who's like 2829 and up and most of his friends are not in
relationships, immediately sirens.
Right. Sirens.
Red flags? What's going on there?
For sure. Yeah, that's and something else
you need to you need to pay. It's fucking weird.
It's weird. Listen, I want to go back to
this unpredictability and the push and pull, OK?
That has the potential to open old wounds, which is the other
reason why I really want to start doing this introspection,
so that when this happens again, because when those wounds get
open, it's going to be so much more difficult to extricate
yourself from the situation. Right.
And I'd like to respond to that situation alone, right?
Say that again. And and to be responsive to that
situation alone, right, it's gonna just like heighten your
emotions. Yes, it's also going to re
traumatize you. That's tomato, Tomato.
Right. It's you're just going through
another trauma and another trauma and it's just going to be
going over and over. And I can't impress upon you how
unhealthy that is for your brain and for your nervous system and
for all kinds of systems in your body and what it does to you.
So when you find your, if you're at the point where you're
thinking, should I talk to him about this because you're so
frustrated? I'm sorry.
That is the time to cut and run. That is the red flag, the
reddest of red flags, Right, Right.
That's my take. So, I mean, I think we should be
really specific too about how she ought to extricate herself.
It's very simple, I think. Block his number.
Right. That's it.
Right. I wouldn't even say anything.
Right. I mean he doesn't deserve more
than a ghost. He doesn't.
So ghost is ass. Right.
He really doesn't and you're, you're gonna cave.
I know we all do and that's OK, right?
What matters is you catch yourself caving and walk
yourself through it. Will this presence person ever
met any of my needs? How did I feel when I was with
him? What emotions?
What emotions did I go through because of this person and he
did he ever really acknowledge my feelings and will this will
this help me or will this hurt me?
Because it might help you in the short term because you'll get
that dopamine surge. But what's going, what's it
going to do to you in the long term if you continue this
relationship? That's what you have to think
about. I don't think there would be
anything wrong with writing him a firmly worded letter and then
just never ever sending it. Yes, I would.
I love that. I love that.
Write it out, get it out. Put but put it away.
Yeah, don't. Certainly don't send it because
he doesn't care, right? Doesn't.
Care. And that's the unfortunate
thing. He does not care.
And we don't say that to be hurtful.
We say it because it's true. Yeah, well, and the other thing
is I feel like a lot of times with guys like this especially
like if if you appear to be hurt it like it like strokes their
ego. Yes, and if he is a sadist,
that's that. That's like waving a red flag in
front of a bull. Right.
And it's like, right, like the biggest compliment you could
give him is letting him know you is pain, that he hurt your
feelings. We're not giving him the
satisfaction. Right, right.
So we're saying fuck that guy. Emphatically.
And we're saying follow up. We love our follow up.
Yeah, Just like Sarah is about the Ke$ha concert.
All right, you guys, this is a free episode.
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Sarah, final thoughts. Anything keep.
Your chin up and your tits out. That's right, tits out baby.
Center yourself blog. Witches value your time.
Goodbye, bye.