And she has a picture of him in her photos on Facebook.
And I went and looked and I was like, oh, that's my face.
So it was, it was really exciting because I've never
looked like anybody but my own kids.
But seriously, I I told my therapist I can't say mean
things about my face because it's my dad's face.
So now when I look at my face I'm like I know who that face
belongs to, so I need to be nicer.
Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the
world of unexpected DNA discoveries.
I'm your host Alexis, our salt. In July 2021, my life took a
surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who
has experienced a non paternal event.
In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he
was. Join me as we explore the
stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their
families. Get ready to unravel the
astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.
This is DNA surprises. Sometimes after DNA surprises
are revealed, our relationships with our raised parents become
strained. Sometimes this leads to
estrangement, but for others, these surprises simply compound
already strained relationships. When Dawn had her DNA surprise,
she was already virtually no contact with her mother.
In this week's episode, she shares why she initially made
the decision to go little to no contact with her raised family,
largely due to her mistreatment compared to her other siblings.
She reveals why she took her DNA test to begin with and how she
finally learned the truth about her parentage.
While Dawn's relationships with her raised family remain
distant, she's built incredible relationships with her new found
step siblings who insist that had her biological father known
about her, he would have loved and accepted her.
Thank you for sharing your story, Dawn.
My name is Dawn. I'm 57 and I'm from Michigan.
I'm the oldest of five. I never thought that it would be
me. I thought there might be one in
our family, but I did not think it would be me.
I'm the oldest. I mean, I'm the reason they got
married. They were 18 and almost 20 when
they got married. Why else would they get married
at that early age? My mother was 17 when she got
pregnant. She was six months along when
they got married, and they went on to have four more.
So there's 14 years between myself and the youngest.
So that's a lot of kids. Yeah, that's a lot of kids.
It is a lot of kids. I say that having lived through
it, and I'm just like, it's a lot of kids.
Every time the story that that I was told growing up is that I
was the result of a broken condom in a backseat incident,
which, you know, I think in the 60s was pretty common.
And her dad didn't want her to get married.
He wanted her to have the baby and adopt it out and then marry
a farmer that was friends with him and she didn't want to do
that. And so she ran off and got
married. They were, they were very young
and I try to look at them with some, some grace.
I've been working on that. That's what my goal is for this
year is to, to look at them with some forgiveness and grace.
They were very young. They didn't know a lot.
They didn't know anything about parenting really.
They're really poor at that. They were big partiers, a lot of
alcohol, a lot of drugs, a little swinging thrown in there.
It was interesting growing up with parents like that and I'm
sure there's a lot of people who have those same stories.
So the first few years it it wasn't, I don't really remember
anything terrible until I was about nine.
My brother was born two years after me and then I had a sister
that was born five years after my brother.
She's seven years younger than me and about the time I turned
9, that was her right around her one year birthday that same year
and the year I turned 9, there was no birthday.
We didn't have my birthday at all that year.
And my my birthday is the day after Christmas.
I know that's a struggle for a lot of people, but for me, you
know, I was a kid and I was like, yeah, my birthday's
tomorrow. I know it's Christmas today, but
my birthday's tomorrow. And my parents said, yeah,
we're, we're going out tomorrow, but we're going to pick up your
present and your cake and bring it back.
And they didn't. And between Christmas and New
Year's, they went out every night and partied.
And each night I was waiting up. And each night they didn't bring
anything until New Year's, when they brought home a Kmart bag
and they said, here you go, here's your present.
There's no cake. We're sorry.
And I said, OK, that's fine because I'm just excited about a
present. It was a bag of socks with
clearance stickers on them and they were all toddler size.
So of course they wouldn't fit me because I was 9.
And so my mom said, well, if you don't want them, I'll give them
to your sister. And I said OK, that's fine.
So we just skipped my birthday that year and it was really kind
of interesting. And the whole year was kind of
like that. I had several incidences,
injuries, where they were like, yeah, you're fine, we're not
going to take you in. And then it turned out to be a
bigger deal than it was. And I realize now, looking back
that it's probably because they had a son and a daughter and me
only I didn't know it was and me.
I thought I was part of the group.
So were the other Were your other siblings treated
differently from you and did you realize that as a child?
Absolutely. OK, Absolutely.
It was right in that time frame of like 9:00 to 12:00 that I
spent almost every weekend with my grandmother, my birth
certificate, father's mother. She's my favorite person in the
entire world. And I found out that while I was
spending weekends with her, the four of them were going and
doing things. And so of course I said, well, I
don't want to go to grandma's. I want to go with you guys.
And they said, well, you can't because if we have to take three
kids, it's too expensive. That was kind of, I guess my
punishment was to go to my grandma's.
They didn't know anything because it was the best
experience ever. But still, I wanted to be
included in the family stuff. Yeah, it was really, it was
really kind of odd. Like I had Great Expectations, I
wasn't allowed to get anything less than ABI, got AB minus.
There was going to be at least a lecture if not a punishment.
If I got less than that, definitely there were
groundings, maybe spankings, who knows.
My siblings never had that, which was very interesting to
me. As I got older I realized that
no matter how big the offense there, there was not going to be
a punishment to correlate with that.
When I was in middle school, we did blood typing in science
class. I feel like this is how a lot of
people realize that something's not quite right.
We did blood typing in science class.
I was super excited because I'm kind of a science nerd.
And I came home and I was like, what are your blood types?
And my parents told me and I said, that's not right.
And they said, what do you mean that's not right?
So I explained what we did in school and they said, well, your
teacher doesn't know what they're talking about.
Which again, I feel like is what parents say when they're wrong.
What was your reaction to this? You've learned now you've got
some science in your mind, and your parents are like, no.
Yeah. And I thought, well, I think
he's smarter than you. I think.
I think he knows. I got in a lot of trouble for
that. There was a there was a big
punishment. It was not OK.
And so I didn't question it again because I knew that it was
going to be worse if I did. Did you then just choose to
believe your parents or at this point were you really
questioning what they said? I, I kind of just tucked it back
and just went forget it because it's just, I'm not going to
worry. About it, sure, but.
When I got to high school, we did Punnett squares.
You know, that's always fun, right?
Where you figure out all your traits.
And I did it. And by then I had more siblings.
So, you know, I had more people to look at and I could find the
things that were from my dad on everybody, but not on me.
And, and I had weird stuff that nobody else had, not even my
mom. And so that was another thing
that I said. I, I think there's a problem
here, but I didn't mention it to them.
I just tucked it away and went on my merry way.
But when I get to college, I had a boyfriend that came home with
me for Easter weekend. And he said on the way back,
were you adopted by any chance? Because I don't, I don't feel
like you are from this family. And I said, I'm the oldest.
That sounds crazy. And he said, OK, I'm just asking
because you don't look like anybody in that family.
And he said, I know it sounds crazy if you're the oldest, but
I'm just saying. And and that really kind of just
stuck with me that other people could see it as clearly as I
could. He wasn't the first of my
friends to say. It was it mostly based on looks
or was there personality elements to what made everyone
see so many differences? Everything.
I'm only 5 foot tall. My parents are 5-6 and five ten.
All my siblings are taller than me.
The girls aren't too much taller, you know, a few inches.
But still. My grandma used to say I was the
only grandchild she had ever had, and she had like, 40 that
could walk under the dining room table when they learned how to
walk. And I was like, yeah, I was very
tiny. By the time I was in high
school, my sisters couldn't wear my clothes and they were in
elementary and middle school because they were bigger than I
was. Wow, yeah.
I read all the time, I was very interested in science, I very
interested in history. And I'm kind of a little bit
stubborn. They were just like all these
little things that my parents would be like, why are you like
this? And I kept thinking, I think
it's genetics. I don't think I'm just being
weird for no reason or, or because I want to.
I don't want to be weird. So I mostly tried to just play
along and just try to make life as smooth as possible, But I
always had that in the back of my head that I don't think he's
my dad. I just, I don't think he is.
Everything just kept going together and I was like, yeah, I
don't think this is it. But I was like, maybe, maybe,
maybe I'm just, maybe I got all the weird jeans at once and, and
that's just the way it is. But they did continue to treat
me differently, back up just a little bit and say that my
mother is bipolar and she refuses to medicate.
So she's not really a joy to live with.
And my, my dad is very, she's right no matter what.
So when she did things that were off kilter, you were supposed to
say 100% and move on. Only they were usually things
like telling him that I was, that I ran off and went
someplace that I never did, Like I was home doing homework.
And she'd say, well, she took off and went over here with some
boy. And then he would be angry and
he would ground me for a month and I'd be like, but I didn't go
anywhere. I didn't do anything.
I was sitting here the whole time.
But it also was things like I had a steady boyfriend when I
was 17. And so I thought, well,
eventually teenagers do things that they're not supposed to do.
And I thought I better get on birth control because who knows?
But I want to be protected because I've taken care of
enough kids, I don't want any. So I got in birth control and
one day I kept in a little safe box with a key and one day I
opened it up and it was gone. My dad, I talked to him and he
said we shouldn't be on it in the 1st place.
And then he said, well, I'm sure your mother took it, but that
was OK. I shouldn't ask her about it.
And I was like, I don't know if she expected that I would just
go ahead and do whatever and get pregnant anyway because that was
not my jam. I was not doing it.
So I was like, well, I guess I just start over.
But it was all kinds of weird things like that.
And things like they had a friend that set all my alarms
off. He was a grown man.
He was their age, but he just now I would say don't leave him
around your daughters. Not at all.
And it turned out to be correct. He did go to prison for messing
around with a teenage girl. So but he would come over and he
would say things to me and I didn't like it.
So I tended to stay away. And one time she called me into
the living room and he grabbed me and was like forcibly holding
me in place and trying to kiss me and trying to grope me and
and I'm yelling and my mom's like, stop screaming, just let
him kiss you and it won't be bad and you'll just be done.
And I thought, man, if I let him touch me, that is going to be
the start of a whole big thing because I can't let him do
anything. I know, I know that much right
now. So I fought with him while she
just laughed about it. Oh I'm so sorry that happened.
It just sounds like they had no parental instinct to protect you
or or didn't choose to. That's awful.
Yeah, I I don't feel like she looked at me as their child,
even though his name was on my birth certificate.
I was their only child for two years.
I think that once they had children together, it was like,
oh, we have our children and this one and and we're not sure
what to do with this one. So I used to say, you know, I
live like Cinderella and my friends would be like, oh, it's
so funny. And I was like, no, for real.
I mean, I take care of the children.
I do the laundry, I clean the house.
When I was 16, I got a part time job and my parents made me pay
$100 a month rent when I was 16. That's a long time ago, but I
made like just over $3.00 an hour, $100 a month was a lot.
And I was still in high school when I when my son graduated
from college. He said, do you want me to pay
rent while I'm living with you? And I said absolutely not,
absolutely not. That's a ridiculous thing.
And he said, well, I'm living here and I'm not.
I'm not paying for anything, I said, but you're saving your
money so that you can go out and be on your own.
I said, I'm not my mother. I'm not going to do that.
I tend to take everything they did and just be the parent you
needed. Yeah.
So it was all a really
interesting situation. When I went to college, they
moved and didn't tell me was getting ready to come home.
I think it was on Christmas break and the day before I was
supposed to leave, I got a letter in the mail.
I mean, thank goodness I got it then 'cause otherwise I wouldn't
have gotten it at all. Gone to the wrong house.
And the letter said, oh, we moved, I hope you can still make
it. Here's the address.
And I was like, that's not anywhere near where we lived.
It was like an hour away. So I had to cancel the ride
'cause, you know, you do Rideshare home and I was
struggling to find somebody and one of my friends was very kind
and said it's out of my way, but I'll take you, I'll take you
there. I don't know how you can get
back, but I can take you home. So he did drive me home, which
was very kind of him. But I'm always like when people
talk about trauma from growing up and I'm like, I had a lot of
different things growing up, but I think my parents moving while
I was in college and not telling me was the tip top.
Yeah, I mean, it's just you're really painting a picture of
neglect, you know, from your parents.
Yeah, it it wasn't like they didn't do a lot of things.
They just didn't do a lot of things right.
And so it was kind of crazy. I did take good care of my
siblings, so whether or not they grew up to be decent people is
another question, but I did try my hardest.
What was your relationship like with your family then after
college until you took your DNA test?
What was that like? It wasn't the best.
Here's one of the the traits that I have that I feel like
they're missing is that they were my family.
So I was trying very hard to 'cause I kept thinking there had
to be something wrong with me because I just wasn't trying
hard enough because they were all the same.
And then there was me. So I was like, maybe I have to
try a little harder. Maybe I have to do a little
more. So holiday gatherings, I
organized them. My mom would want to have them
at her house and that was fine. But I did all the calling
everybody. I did all the food organization,
what we were doing and, and nobody offered to help.
They just like I was self appointed and they were like
good for you and and so we just carried on.
But the year I had my daughter, I was just turning 28 and it was
at Christmas. So I just was having my birthday
and Christmas and my mom did not buy me gifts until right before
I got there like a day or two before.
And she bought me sweat suits from a thrift store.
They weren't new sweat suits. They had like embroidery and
stuff on them. They were like, like, I was 28
and there was something, I was like, oh, my grandma would wear
this and she would be like, look how cute this is.
And I would be like, that is cute on you, grandma.
But I was 28 and it was not so cute on me.
And in the same year, you know, my siblings were getting all
kinds of really nice gifts. And it was very, the divide is
very visible. It started coming to a point
when I wasn't married, I was living with my boyfriend when I
had my first child and I needed to come home.
And I called and I said, can I come home at least for six
months to get on my feet and get myself together?
And they said, OK, fine. And I came home and I didn't
want to be there and they didn't want me there.
But I was like, we're going to make the best of this.
I got a job, my aunt helped me buy a car.
I found a daycare. I was like, I'm, I'm on it.
After I was there a few weeks, my mom, I came home one day from
work and daycare and my mom handed me a piece of paper and
she said here, you can go stay here.
And I said, what are you talking about?
What is this? And she said, it's a shelter.
I called and you and the baby can go and stay there because
you can't stay here anymore. And I was like, I'm not taking
this baby to a shelter. What is wrong with you?
And I waited until my day. I got home and I I handed him
the piece of paper and I said, mom said I have to go stay at
the shelter. First time ever.
He stood up for me and said, and it was only because I had a
baby. If it was just me, I think I
would have been out, but I had a baby.
And he said absolutely not, you're staying here.
So I cut my time as short as possible and at five months I
moved out and I then started lowering my contact.
And then I got married and my dad got really mad.
And after the wedding he said, you're so rude.
You didn't even thank me for paying for your dress and your
flowers. And I said, Dad, you didn't pay
for my dress or my flowers, I paid for them.
And he said, no, I gave your mother the money.
And I said, well, I don't know what she spent it on, but I have
the receipt for the dress and the flowers and I paid for them.
He never said anything to her that I know of, but I needed to
let him know that that is not what happened because I kept
waiting and the dress place kept calling.
And I'd say, man, I, my mom said she's going to pay.
And then I would call her and she'd say, oh, I'll take care of
it. And, and it kept happening.
And finally I said, you know what?
I've got to pay for this dress. I'm going to lose it.
So I just took care of it and I was like, I'm done.
So it wasn't until I think maybe 2010 that I cut them off And I
just, I said, you know what? I can't do this anymore.
I, I have kids and I have a husband and I have a house and
you are all so much drama and I, I just can't do it anymore.
And I felt like the worst person in the entire world because I
was being so selfish, being like, I, I can't do this.
And I thought if I were a better person, I could make a go of
this. I know I could.
And I was just beating myself up about it all the time.
I felt terribly guilty. But really, in reality, I only
cut off my mother. I didn't cut off my dad.
He just, that was the end of him.
He never contacted me. He never did anything.
It was just like, he was like, great, I'm out.
My siblings, basically same thing.
I had one sibling that kept in touch and we got pretty close
for a while. And then she has a lot of
similar mental health issues as our mother.
And she kind of went the same route.
And I had to say we can work through this.
You just need to take your meds. You just need to take care of
yourself. And she was like, you know what,
I'm out. And then she was gone.
Every once in a while I would get a birthday card and I would
always be like what is this? And I would open it and it'd be
a birthday card and I'd be like whatever.
I would text my friends be like I got it.
I got a birthday card this year and they'd say your mom is so
crazy and I'd say I know I no contact but like every 3rd year
or so I get a birthday card. I don't understand how her mind
works. So we just kind of went on with
no contact with them at all. It's.
Really mind boggling, like especially because you are your
mother's biological child. I mean, you know, come to find
out. So, I mean, not that it would
excuse anything even if if she wasn't, but this idea, you know,
like you're saying that that your siblings are their children
and looking back, that's why there was this difference.
It's like we're trying to rationalize something that makes
no sense. Absolutely, and my daughter has
a different biological dad. My husband adopted my daughter
when she was seven. We had to wait until we'd been
married and for a specific length of time in our state.
I don't know if it's like that everywhere.
And so, you know, she switched her last name and that's her
dad. That's who she, she's known
since she was 2 1/2. But she has always known that
she has a different biological dad.
She knows his name. She knows where he lives.
He doesn't have contact with her, but she knows.
And when she got old enough, she used to say, you know, why
doesn't he come around? And I would say things like,
well, you know, I maybe he's just busy.
Maybe he's just living a different lifestyle than we are.
And then when she got older, I was like, listen, he does drugs
and he sleeps with a lot of girls.
I don't know what he's doing out there.
But you know, when you're older, you can call him and ask him.
And she did. And she did get in contact with
him. And she didn't like what she
got. So but at least she knew.
She knew. And she had that option of
contacting him, which I think is the most important thing in this
whole situation is giving the children the ability to handle
it themselves. And I'm sorry, I laugh a lot
when I talk about this stuff because it is just, it's just so
much. It's OK, I I always think we
don't laugh, we'll cry. So in 2018, I got 23 ME tests
for the whole family because The thing is that my birth
certificate, father's family, humongous and they trace all the
way back to the 1500s. They have like their own
website, their own organization. It's psychotic and I am a
history nerd and I love that stuff.
I've had family trees on paper since I was a teenager.
I love family trees. So we're doing 23andMe and I am
going to prove I'm connected to these French people, the
Huguenots. I'm going to be connected to
them. So we did 23andMe and my son and
husband were very excited that they got to see all their
connections because they are directly connected.
And my daughter was like, hey, who's Jewish in our family?
Because I'm like, certain percentage of Ashkenazi Jewish.
And I was like, must be your biological dad.
It's not me. So she had that little surprise.
So that was kind of fun for her. And I had nothing.
I mean, like almost literally nothing.
I had nobody closer than a third or fourth cousin.
I had no names I recognized on either side.
And I was like, did they steal me from a street corner?
What happened? Did you at that point wonder if
you were adopted or were you just thinking there's just no
matches? I was sure I wasn't adopted, but
I wondered if maybe somebody had a child and was like, somebody
else has to take this kid. And I was like, you know what?
I won't even feel bad because my mom just makes me mad anyway.
And and I'm like, I hated growing up with her.
So you know what, if I'm not her kid, I'll be OK with it.
And there was just nothing. And, and I sat on that for a
while and I was like, he can't be my dad because his family's
so huge. There's three variations of his
last name, but they're everybody's related and they're
all over the US. There's some in France, they're
all over the place. So I was like, I know he's not
my dad. I'm not sure if she's my mom, so
I don't know what's going on here.
So I waited and at the beginning of 2023 I bought an ancestry
test because I'm like, I think I'll have a better shot there.
They have a bigger database. So I just very quietly did that
on my own and it came back and I still had not much.
I did find a half cousin on my maternal side, a half first
cousin and I was like, who is this?
Turns out that my maternal grandfather had a first family.
I knew he'd been married first, but I never met any of them
because they didn't live there and they weren't around and
apparently they weren't very welcome with his second family.
So that was interesting. And I've met her and we're very
similar. We're only like 6 months apart
in age. We went to schools that were
very close to each other. We grew up very close to each
other, but we didn't know each other at all.
So that was kind of fun. And I would have never met her
if because my parents were, my mom was like, there's nobody,
there's nobody. These people don't they left.
We don't know what happened to them.
Turns out they they didn't go far.
Yeah. So that was really interesting.
And I was able to give her photos that she had never seen
like of her grandfather and I was and her dad looks just like
his dad. So she thought that was just so
fascinating. She was like Oh my gosh, they
all the men on the side look the same.
So I was fine. But there was still nothing
paternal. 3rd and 4th cousins, 5th farther out.
And then one day my mom and my two youngest siblings popped up
and I was like, oh, and my mom popped up past my mom.
And I have to say a little bit disappointed at that.
Were you really? Did you really feel
disappointed? Or is that a joke?
I was I was like Dang it, if it had to be one of them.
I was hoping it was him instead of her.
But I knew it wasn't him. And I was like, I'm really
disappointed that it's her. But by then I had done a lot of
studying about ancestry and DNA stuff and how they measure it
with the cenom organs. And I knew all the different
levels. And I looked at my siblings and
I went, those are half siblings. So I was like, now I need to
know who's the half? Which half are you?
I mean, we all have the same mom.
So who's are is he your dad? Because I don't think he's my
dad. So I had to contact my mother,
and that did not make me happy at all.
I just contacted her on Facebook Messenger because I had her
blocked on Facebook, so I had to contact her there.
And I said, hey, I saw you guys showed up in Ancestry.
You know, that's great. It's very exciting.
Did Dad do Ancestry by any chance?
And she said, oh, yeah. And I said it's weird because I
can't find him. And she said, here, give me your
e-mail and I'll send you his test results.
And so she just gave me access to his tree and his test
results. And I was like, I opened them
and I was like, huh, I wonder why she would do that?
Because it's 0%. At that point, she says nothing.
She does not take that opportunity to say this is the
truth, OK? So I opened it and immediately
messaged her and said, you sent me the test results and you
know, I really appreciate that, but you have to know that we
have zero DNA in common 0 And she said, oh, it slipped my
mind. Oh, and it's like slipped,
slipped your mind that I have a completely different parent.
And, and I know I've, I've heard other people say their parents,
their mothers said the same thing.
I do think there's some element. After a while the lie becomes
the truth for so long that it's not always at the forefront of
their mind and so maybe they just aren't really thinking
about it. But when faced with it, to say
it slipped my mind is pretty wild.
And she said, you know, it slipped my mind.
And I said, do you have any idea of who my father is?
And she said, of course I know who it is.
And I was like, oh, I am seriously surprised at this
point when she said, of course I know who it is.
I was like, OK, so who is it? And she gave me a name.
She said his name is Buford, but it doesn't matter because he's
dead. And I was like, wow, it doesn't
matter because he's dead. Well, it kind of matters to me.
So I spent my poor husband. He is such a good man.
I'm going to tell you because I spent weeks and months, hours
and hours and hours, and I'm sure you know, deep into
ancestry and records and just a lot of time, a lot of time.
It took me a lot of time to find him because that wasn't his
name. OK?
His name wasn't Buford. His name was Burfred.
And I was looking for someone around her age.
That is not what I should have been looking for.
I figured it out and I'm like, is this his name?
And she said, that's him. And I was like, Oh my gosh.
And I only knew it was him because she said he died in 2005
in Florida. And then I had to message her
again and say, there's quite an age difference going on here.
Was this an assault? Was this a forceful situation?
You know, I, I was giving her every option.
And she said, no, it was my idea.
I wanted to. And I was like, oh, because she
was 17 and he was 53. Wow.
And that's a large difference. And so it made me very concerned
for her. Yeah, that's, that's
interesting. You know that your first
instinct was to approach with that compassion for the.
Situation, You know, I have a lot of feelings about that,
especially with what, you know, she had pretty much tried to
hand me over to a man in his 30s when I was young and apparently,
you know, that was not a big dealer.
So yeah, I had to do a lot of research because there's not a
lot on his family because they're all gone.
Everybody is gone except for 3rd, 4th cousins.
He got married when I was two and his wife passed away in
1997. He passed away in 2005.
When she passed away, he moved and lived with his stepson in
Florida and that's where he passed.
But they did bring him back to where I live to be buried with
his wife. He actually lived just like 20
minutes from me most of my life and then he moved a few hours
away, but I also moved so he was still quite close to me.
So to think that he was actually really close to me my entire
life, it just very upsetting to me and I can't, I can't even
think about it too much. Did your mom tell you anything
more about their relationship or was it just this happened?
It was my idea that she didn't say if it was an affair or what
the situation was. She said he was looking to get
married and her dad wanted her. She had quit school and she was
16. And I think even then, she was
probably a bit much to handle. And her dad wanted her to get
married. And this man had never been
married and was looking for a wife.
And I think that my grandfather, you know, it's in the 60s, he
was probably like, look, I'll marry her off.
You have a farm. I have a farm.
Look, we have more farm now. And you have a wife that will
give you children to run the farm.
This is a win win all the way around.
But she was not buying that. I mean, she was buying part of
it, but not all of it. And so that was it.
He, his wife had four children. So we had stepchildren.
They were between like 9 and 17 when he got them.
So he still had some of them at home for quite some time.
And his oldest stepdaughter passed away the same year that
his wife did, which was very sad, very unfortunate because
she had four young children and her children's names were in the
obituary and so were her sisters names, but I couldn't find them.
And her brother, they have a very common last name, so it's
very hard to find any of them. But I found addresses for the
step grandchildren and I wrote them letters and I put them in
envelopes and I sealed them and I stuck them at my desk.
And then I cried about it a lot. OK, take your time.
What's coming up for you right now?
Oh, because you don't know how you're going to be received or
if you're going to be received at all, you know.
So I put those letters away and I was like, I'm not going to
send them. But I had them see him.
I had them addressed for months. And then finally in 'cause I
found, I realized who he was. I found all his information in
April. In late October, I finally sent
them. It took me a long time to get up
that courage to do it. And in the meantime, I had
joined DNA surprise groups and I was reading a lot, I was
listening to podcasts and there's a lot of stories,
there's a lot of reactions. And I was just, I was scared to
do it. So it was late October and I
just said listen, man up and do it.
They're either not going to answer, they're going to answer
rudely, they're going to answer nicely.
There's only three options and no is free.
So you just have to do it. I got up one morning.
I just picked him up, put him in the mailbox and I drove away
because I was like, if I stay, I will dig them back out of the
mailbox. So I had to go and, and I think
it was November 1st, a woman reached out and Facebook friend
requested me and I was like, I think that's one of the
stepdaughters. So I accepted and it was a
couple days and then she messaged me and she said, hey,
Gerfred was my stepdad and I have to say, you look just like
him. How are you related?
Because in my letter I didn't say how, I just said I'm closely
related. OK, OK.
And I said I'm closely related. I'm looking for like, some
family health information and photos if you have them.
I tried to, you know, keep it pretty light.
And she was like, you look just like him.
She said, I, I showed your picture on Facebook to my
siblings and they were like, yeah, you, you look like him.
She was finishing high school when her mom married him.
And so she was, she was there off and on, you know, and then
her younger siblings were there the whole time.
They were like 9 and 13. So she said when we talked about
me being his daughter, she said if he had known, he would have
been there for you. She said that's the kind of guy
he was. She said, look, he took us on.
There were four of us. He took on a single mom with
four kids. And she said he never treated us
like we weren't his kids. How did it make you feel to hear
that? You know, it made me feel great
that the instincts I have for helping people come from
someplace. All the things I do, the, the
things that I'm involved in, that makes sense to me.
I'm like, yeah, OK, good. That came from a good place.
And that's one of the things I said was was he a good person?
Yeah. And they were.
And she said absolutely he was yes.
So you find out that he probably did not know about you.
Right. Does your birth certificate
father know that you are not his biological child or or did you
find that out? I asked my mom and she said
yeah, he knows. I was already pregnant when we
met and I told him I didn't want to give the baby up.
So he agreed to marry me and then we got married and then we
fell in love and stayed married, she said.
So he absolutely knows you're not his, but he put his name on
there anyway. OK.
And I was like OK that was nice of him but still y'all should
have told me. Because if you had told me, we
wouldn't be in this spot now and I probably would have had a much
different childhood because I would have had another parent
that if something weird was going on, I could call and say,
hey, I have this situation going on and maybe he could have
stepped in. Sure, yeah.
And he was, he was a farmer. He owned a big farm.
The the step kids have, they said, stop calling them step
kids. They're just my siblings.
These people aren't related to me at all.
They're the sweetest people, though.
They said, yeah, we could have taught you how to ride the
calves and drive a tractor and milk the cows.
And I was like, no, I would have actually loved that.
That sounds like so much fun. What happens next?
Do you get to meet anyone? One of them lives out of
country, but she was coming to visit her sister.
So the two girls and I met. Their brother lives in Florida
still. I talked to him on the phone.
I've emailed with him. Sweet guy.
So I met up with the two sisters and we had breakfast and they
brought me a present. They gifted me the family photo
album. This thing is so old.
It's over 100 years old, and it is full of pictures of him at
different stages in life, his siblings, his parents at
different stages, some grandparents, great
grandparents, great aunts and uncles, all kinds of people.
Because his parents, his mom was the last one to go, and she died
in 1965. He hadn't married before that
because his mom was bedridden and he didn't want to put that
on a wife to take care of her. So he didn't get married until
after she passed away. She passed away in 65, in
November. I was born in December of 66.
So he was out looking for a wife to handle the house to, you
know, help him with the farm, apparently.
I think that was enough for him. And he waited four years before
he got married. They're very nice.
In fact, I just talked to both of them this past week, both of
the girls, they were together visiting.
So I was going to go and visit, but then things were just crazy
and I was like, I can't make it this time.
But I do chat with them at least every couple weeks.
They're very welcoming, very nice.
They've sent me scanned pictures that they have and just it's
just very, very nice. Yeah, that's amazing that you've
had the opportunity to learn so much about him even though he's
not here anymore. Have you talked anymore to your
raised family about the situation?
No. I told her that I found him and
that was it. I I actually made myself a note
here. She said that when I said, OK,
I've got all the information, I found out who my father is.
We're, we're good to go. You know, you can you just leave
me? I'm good.
She sent me this huge text about how she knows I don't care, but
you know, she's struggling taking care of my birth
certificate father and he can't do anything for himself and so
on and so on and basically trying to guilt me into doing
something. So I copied it, screenshot it
and I sent it to the youngest sibling because she's the
closest one to them. And I said your parents
apparently need some help. I don't know what they need.
And she said I was just there this week.
They're fine. She was like, dad's not that
bad. He's got a few health issues,
but he's fine. She's fine.
And I was like, OK, well, I'm just letting you know.
And I she's the only one I told out of the siblings.
I said this is what's going on. And I told her the whole thing
and she said Oh my God I'm so sorry.
Then my mom texted me or messaged me about 3-4 weeks
later and said well now I've had a heart attack and I'm pretty
sure that was a blaming issue right there but I'm not the one
that was hiding things. So I decided not to take any
blame for that and I was really proud of myself for not taking
any blame. For it, I was going to say that
is amazing. Like you should be proud of
yourself for not taking blame for it.
It was hard, but I've spent a couple of years in therapy and
now I know I don't have to do that.
But otherwise, no, I I haven't had any contact.
I've taken everybody in that family because they were all
basically the same. I took them all off my social
media. I just, I just unfriended
everybody. I have one cousin that I left
on. Do you still have any questions
for anyone involved? Your your biological father?
Your parents. I have a lot of questions.
I'd love to hear his side of it. Like, what the heck?
I mean, 53 to 17, I understand. I understand what's going on, I
think, but it was just a bad idea, a bad decision, a bad
everything. I would like to know that what
was going on from his side and what the aftermath was like for
him, because I know what it was like on our side.
My parents were at least very young.
They both quit school when they were 16.
My birth certificate father didn't know how to read.
So we're very, very poor. So I think that the flip side,
my biological dad was quite well off.
I've been out to the cemetery to see where he's buried.
I've driven by the house that his father or grandfather, he
was his grandfather built that he lived in until the 90s.
Beautiful place. I just think that things could
have been a lot different and it would have been really nice.
But yeah, there's a whole lot of questions out there, probably
way more than I'm thinking of currently.
Now, you touched on therapy as something that's kind of helped
you learn how to navigate your relationship with your family.
What has helped you navigate this DNA surprise?
You know, I was really feeling alone, Very, very alone.
Joining the groups helped because I'm like, every day
there's somebody new and you're able to say we got it, we got
it. We understand how you feel.
Your feelings are valid. Here's something that helped me.
Or have you looked at it this way?
It's really nice to have that camaraderie that we're all in
the same boat and there's so many of us.
What's next for you on your path?
Are you trying to learn more about your father or what are
you up to? I think I have learned a lot of
what I what I can. I do occasionally ask Bob the
stepson, because he lived with him so long.
At the end, I think he lived with him for eight years.
And he has the best stories. And every time I ask him for a
story, he gives me a brand new one.
He does not repeat them. And every time he gives me a
story, I'm like, Oh, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
That makes sense to me. Mostly just I'm looking for
stories. I've actually sat down and wrote
out some stuff, maybe about 5 pages.
It's not a lot, but my best friend keeps saying you should
write this is a crazy story. And she's like, I think if you
told it the way you tell it to me, it it would help people.
And I'm like, I gloss it up for other people.
I don't gloss it up for you. Yeah, yeah.
So she has the the down and dirty version and she's like, I
think you should, you should share that with people exactly
how it is. And you know, maybe I will,
maybe I will. But for right now, it's just
some thoughts on paper. And you know, I'm my mother
named me after herself. I don't use my first name.
I use my middle name and so for years I have said I wanted to
change my first name because I hate it so much.
What happened is that when I turned 18I suddenly had terrible
credit and a lot of creditors that were angry at me and it was
not a good introduction to adulthood.
So I've always said I need to change my first name before I
die because I don't want to have my tombstone.
And and for anybody maybe who's listening, who hasn't put the
pieces together, your mother took credit out under your name.
Because we have the same, we have the same first and last
name. So she just used my Social
Security number and and that's what she did with me.
So when I turned 18, I had terrible credit.
I didn't even get to start out decently in adulthood in the
option was I did go to an attorney and say, what do I do
about this? And they said, well, looking at
all the paperwork, they said we can prove with your signatures
that this is not you. We can prove that it's your
mother. And then they told me, but you
have to decide if you want to send her to prison.
And I was like, OK, well, never mind then, because I couldn't do
that when she had small children still at home.
Even though I know what kind of mother she was to me, I think
she was better to them. So.
So I did not do that. And I just dealt with the
repercussions. Wow.
For years you've. Really really been through it.
Are you thinking about changing your name?
I am. I'm going to knock off my first
name and move my middle name up. And then I'm considering taking
both grandparents last names and putting them in the middle.
I feel like the more I learn, the more I'm like, Oh yeah,
yeah, that's definitely who I look like.
And that sounds like definitely who I act like.
I was at a doctor's office and and I they said, oh, we see that
your dad said the family XYZ. And I said, oh, you have to
delete that. He's not my dad.
And they were like, oh, really? Do you have any health
information? I said, well, I will tell you
that everybody on his side of the family except for his dad,
like forever has lived to be like 90 and, and they died of
natural causes. They're super healthy people,
which is great. But that led to a conversation
about how this this nurse said, oh, my aunt and uncle have a
child. Well, it's not really my uncle's
child. It's the guy that my aunt had an
affair with and my uncle knows, but they're not telling her.
And I said, how old is she? And she said 15.
And I said, you go home and call them and you tell them.
They need to tell her right now. They need to sit her down and
have that conversation. And it is going to be hard and
she's going to be mad. She did not also cry about it.
But better to do it now and bring that guy in because he's
going to need to know what's coming at him.
But it's way better to let her know now than let her find out
when she does adna test because that's going to happen.
Exactly. Everybody does them exactly.
And she was just like, I don't think they're going to do that.
And I said, OK, well, good luck. That leads perfectly to the
question, what advice do you have for someone who is keeping
adna surprise from their child's?
No surprises. Nothing about your DNA should be
a surprise except for, you know, some crazy thing like you
inherited rheumatoid arthritis like I did.
That's a that's a bad surprise, but you know, I would take it
over some other things there. There shouldn't be any
surprises. I, I can't believe that we're in
2024 and people are still just now finding out that their dad's
not their dad or their mom's not their mom.
I I really feel deeply that honesty with your children can
only make things better. That's why I told my daughter
right from the beginning, when she was little, I'd be like, you
have a father that is not here. And, you know, when she was
little, we talked about it in easy terms.
And as she got older, we increased it.
But I want to make sure she knew right up front I didn't want, I
never wanted her to be mad at me when she got older.
And now I'm really glad that I did it that way.
Yeah, absolutely. What advice do you have for
someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?
Be kind to yourself because man, it's a lot of emotions and
they're all over the place and they change not just day by day,
but like hour. I pushed down a lot of it at
first because I was like, I, I need all the information, I'm
just going to research and I just like turned everything off
and I just did research. But then when I actually had to
deal with it, when I go to therapy and talk about it, I'd
be a total disaster. And so now I just, if I cry, I
cry. I mean, that's the way it is.
So give yourself grace, give yourself kindness and get a good
therapist and a best friend and you're going to make it through.
It's going to be OK Join lots of groups.
So well said, Don, Thank you so much for coming on the podcast
and sharing your story. You've been through so much, but
your attitude and the way that you have just leaned in to
protecting yourself and learning more about your biological
family is really inspiring to me and I'm sure to a lot of people
who are listening. I wish you the best.
Thank you so much. Thanks again to Dawn for sharing
her story. If you have adna surprise that
you'd like to share, please submit your story to
dnasurprisespodcast.com. Until next time.
This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited
by me Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.