1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:04,560 And she has a picture of him in her photos on Facebook. 2 00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:08,760 And I went and looked and I was like, oh, that's my face. 3 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,440 So it was, it was really exciting because I've never 4 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,160 looked like anybody but my own kids. 5 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:20,960 But seriously, I I told my therapist I can't say mean 6 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,160 things about my face because it's my dad's face. 7 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:27,080 So now when I look at my face I'm like I know who that face 8 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:29,880 belongs to, so I need to be nicer. 9 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:35,600 Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the 10 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:38,240 world of unexpected DNA discoveries. 11 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:44,760 I'm your host Alexis, our salt. In July 2021, my life took a 12 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:49,640 surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who 13 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,480 has experienced a non paternal event. 14 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:57,000 In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he 15 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,040 was. Join me as we explore the 16 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:05,120 stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their 17 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,920 families. Get ready to unravel the 18 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:12,080 astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test. 19 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:19,200 This is DNA surprises. Sometimes after DNA surprises 20 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:23,000 are revealed, our relationships with our raised parents become 21 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,440 strained. Sometimes this leads to 22 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:31,280 estrangement, but for others, these surprises simply compound 23 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:36,720 already strained relationships. When Dawn had her DNA surprise, 24 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,040 she was already virtually no contact with her mother. 25 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,080 In this week's episode, she shares why she initially made 26 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,280 the decision to go little to no contact with her raised family, 27 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:50,720 largely due to her mistreatment compared to her other siblings. 28 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:55,640 She reveals why she took her DNA test to begin with and how she 29 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,200 finally learned the truth about her parentage. 30 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,600 While Dawn's relationships with her raised family remain 31 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:05,120 distant, she's built incredible relationships with her new found 32 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:09,080 step siblings who insist that had her biological father known 33 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,400 about her, he would have loved and accepted her. 34 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,400 Thank you for sharing your story, Dawn. 35 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:20,080 My name is Dawn. I'm 57 and I'm from Michigan. 36 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:24,720 I'm the oldest of five. I never thought that it would be 37 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,520 me. I thought there might be one in 38 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,800 our family, but I did not think it would be me. 39 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,080 I'm the oldest. I mean, I'm the reason they got 40 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:34,520 married. They were 18 and almost 20 when 41 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,760 they got married. Why else would they get married 42 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,960 at that early age? My mother was 17 when she got 43 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,360 pregnant. She was six months along when 44 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,280 they got married, and they went on to have four more. 45 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,520 So there's 14 years between myself and the youngest. 46 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,760 So that's a lot of kids. Yeah, that's a lot of kids. 47 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,000 It is a lot of kids. I say that having lived through 48 00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,840 it, and I'm just like, it's a lot of kids. 49 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:05,800 Every time the story that that I was told growing up is that I 50 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,400 was the result of a broken condom in a backseat incident, 51 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,880 which, you know, I think in the 60s was pretty common. 52 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:13,960 And her dad didn't want her to get married. 53 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:19,000 He wanted her to have the baby and adopt it out and then marry 54 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,480 a farmer that was friends with him and she didn't want to do 55 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,960 that. And so she ran off and got 56 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,440 married. They were, they were very young 57 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,800 and I try to look at them with some, some grace. 58 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,120 I've been working on that. That's what my goal is for this 59 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:36,280 year is to, to look at them with some forgiveness and grace. 60 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,920 They were very young. They didn't know a lot. 61 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,320 They didn't know anything about parenting really. 62 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:46,880 They're really poor at that. They were big partiers, a lot of 63 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:50,240 alcohol, a lot of drugs, a little swinging thrown in there. 64 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,520 It was interesting growing up with parents like that and I'm 65 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,720 sure there's a lot of people who have those same stories. 66 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:59,320 So the first few years it it wasn't, I don't really remember 67 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,880 anything terrible until I was about nine. 68 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:06,560 My brother was born two years after me and then I had a sister 69 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,360 that was born five years after my brother. 70 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:12,080 She's seven years younger than me and about the time I turned 71 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:17,000 9, that was her right around her one year birthday that same year 72 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,200 and the year I turned 9, there was no birthday. 73 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,640 We didn't have my birthday at all that year. 74 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:26,080 And my my birthday is the day after Christmas. 75 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,520 I know that's a struggle for a lot of people, but for me, you 76 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,480 know, I was a kid and I was like, yeah, my birthday's 77 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,200 tomorrow. I know it's Christmas today, but 78 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,880 my birthday's tomorrow. And my parents said, yeah, 79 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:41,080 we're, we're going out tomorrow, but we're going to pick up your 80 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,400 present and your cake and bring it back. 81 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,320 And they didn't. And between Christmas and New 82 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,240 Year's, they went out every night and partied. 83 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:53,600 And each night I was waiting up. And each night they didn't bring 84 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,440 anything until New Year's, when they brought home a Kmart bag 85 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,000 and they said, here you go, here's your present. 86 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,160 There's no cake. We're sorry. 87 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,400 And I said, OK, that's fine because I'm just excited about a 88 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,720 present. It was a bag of socks with 89 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,400 clearance stickers on them and they were all toddler size. 90 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:12,040 So of course they wouldn't fit me because I was 9. 91 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,240 And so my mom said, well, if you don't want them, I'll give them 92 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,920 to your sister. And I said OK, that's fine. 93 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:21,160 So we just skipped my birthday that year and it was really kind 94 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,120 of interesting. And the whole year was kind of 95 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,280 like that. I had several incidences, 96 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:29,360 injuries, where they were like, yeah, you're fine, we're not 97 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,800 going to take you in. And then it turned out to be a 98 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,720 bigger deal than it was. And I realize now, looking back 99 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:42,080 that it's probably because they had a son and a daughter and me 100 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,960 only I didn't know it was and me. 101 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,320 I thought I was part of the group. 102 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,360 So were the other Were your other siblings treated 103 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,080 differently from you and did you realize that as a child? 104 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,200 Absolutely. OK, Absolutely. 105 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,200 It was right in that time frame of like 9:00 to 12:00 that I 106 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,920 spent almost every weekend with my grandmother, my birth 107 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,240 certificate, father's mother. She's my favorite person in the 108 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:12,240 entire world. And I found out that while I was 109 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,640 spending weekends with her, the four of them were going and 110 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,880 doing things. And so of course I said, well, I 111 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,520 don't want to go to grandma's. I want to go with you guys. 112 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,480 And they said, well, you can't because if we have to take three 113 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,400 kids, it's too expensive. That was kind of, I guess my 114 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:28,960 punishment was to go to my grandma's. 115 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,680 They didn't know anything because it was the best 116 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,320 experience ever. But still, I wanted to be 117 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:38,800 included in the family stuff. Yeah, it was really, it was 118 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:44,160 really kind of odd. Like I had Great Expectations, I 119 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,360 wasn't allowed to get anything less than ABI, got AB minus. 120 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,920 There was going to be at least a lecture if not a punishment. 121 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:53,120 If I got less than that, definitely there were 122 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,760 groundings, maybe spankings, who knows. 123 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,960 My siblings never had that, which was very interesting to 124 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,320 me. As I got older I realized that 125 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,920 no matter how big the offense there, there was not going to be 126 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,920 a punishment to correlate with that. 127 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,520 When I was in middle school, we did blood typing in science 128 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,840 class. I feel like this is how a lot of 129 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,240 people realize that something's not quite right. 130 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,560 We did blood typing in science class. 131 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,280 I was super excited because I'm kind of a science nerd. 132 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,800 And I came home and I was like, what are your blood types? 133 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,800 And my parents told me and I said, that's not right. 134 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,600 And they said, what do you mean that's not right? 135 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,280 So I explained what we did in school and they said, well, your 136 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:33,960 teacher doesn't know what they're talking about. 137 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:38,160 Which again, I feel like is what parents say when they're wrong. 138 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:44,000 What was your reaction to this? You've learned now you've got 139 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:48,320 some science in your mind, and your parents are like, no. 140 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:49,640 Yeah. And I thought, well, I think 141 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,320 he's smarter than you. I think. 142 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:54,960 I think he knows. I got in a lot of trouble for 143 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,640 that. There was a there was a big 144 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,480 punishment. It was not OK. 145 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:04,640 And so I didn't question it again because I knew that it was 146 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:09,120 going to be worse if I did. Did you then just choose to 147 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:11,640 believe your parents or at this point were you really 148 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:16,160 questioning what they said? I, I kind of just tucked it back 149 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,560 and just went forget it because it's just, I'm not going to 150 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:20,720 worry. About it, sure, but. 151 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,440 When I got to high school, we did Punnett squares. 152 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,160 You know, that's always fun, right? 153 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,280 Where you figure out all your traits. 154 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,880 And I did it. And by then I had more siblings. 155 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:35,480 So, you know, I had more people to look at and I could find the 156 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:40,240 things that were from my dad on everybody, but not on me. 157 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:45,120 And, and I had weird stuff that nobody else had, not even my 158 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,640 mom. And so that was another thing 159 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,720 that I said. I, I think there's a problem 160 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,320 here, but I didn't mention it to them. 161 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,080 I just tucked it away and went on my merry way. 162 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:58,200 But when I get to college, I had a boyfriend that came home with 163 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:02,400 me for Easter weekend. And he said on the way back, 164 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:07,680 were you adopted by any chance? Because I don't, I don't feel 165 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:12,640 like you are from this family. And I said, I'm the oldest. 166 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:17,760 That sounds crazy. And he said, OK, I'm just asking 167 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,080 because you don't look like anybody in that family. 168 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,200 And he said, I know it sounds crazy if you're the oldest, but 169 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,000 I'm just saying. And and that really kind of just 170 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:30,800 stuck with me that other people could see it as clearly as I 171 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,240 could. He wasn't the first of my 172 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:35,880 friends to say. It was it mostly based on looks 173 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:39,400 or was there personality elements to what made everyone 174 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,880 see so many differences? Everything. 175 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:46,680 I'm only 5 foot tall. My parents are 5-6 and five ten. 176 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,320 All my siblings are taller than me. 177 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:52,120 The girls aren't too much taller, you know, a few inches. 178 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,920 But still. My grandma used to say I was the 179 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,480 only grandchild she had ever had, and she had like, 40 that 180 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,960 could walk under the dining room table when they learned how to 181 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:04,680 walk. And I was like, yeah, I was very 182 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:06,960 tiny. By the time I was in high 183 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:11,080 school, my sisters couldn't wear my clothes and they were in 184 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,720 elementary and middle school because they were bigger than I 185 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,960 was. Wow, yeah. 186 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:21,480 I read all the time, I was very interested in science, I very 187 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:25,160 interested in history. And I'm kind of a little bit 188 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,520 stubborn. They were just like all these 189 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:31,920 little things that my parents would be like, why are you like 190 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:35,040 this? And I kept thinking, I think 191 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,800 it's genetics. I don't think I'm just being 192 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:42,040 weird for no reason or, or because I want to. 193 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,640 I don't want to be weird. So I mostly tried to just play 194 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:49,960 along and just try to make life as smooth as possible, But I 195 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,200 always had that in the back of my head that I don't think he's 196 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,240 my dad. I just, I don't think he is. 197 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,120 Everything just kept going together and I was like, yeah, I 198 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,000 don't think this is it. But I was like, maybe, maybe, 199 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:07,000 maybe I'm just, maybe I got all the weird jeans at once and, and 200 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,200 that's just the way it is. But they did continue to treat 201 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,600 me differently, back up just a little bit and say that my 202 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:17,560 mother is bipolar and she refuses to medicate. 203 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,600 So she's not really a joy to live with. 204 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:24,680 And my, my dad is very, she's right no matter what. 205 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:30,760 So when she did things that were off kilter, you were supposed to 206 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:36,160 say 100% and move on. Only they were usually things 207 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:39,160 like telling him that I was, that I ran off and went 208 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:42,600 someplace that I never did, Like I was home doing homework. 209 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,880 And she'd say, well, she took off and went over here with some 210 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,680 boy. And then he would be angry and 211 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:52,600 he would ground me for a month and I'd be like, but I didn't go 212 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,160 anywhere. I didn't do anything. 213 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,760 I was sitting here the whole time. 214 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,640 But it also was things like I had a steady boyfriend when I 215 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,680 was 17. And so I thought, well, 216 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,520 eventually teenagers do things that they're not supposed to do. 217 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,640 And I thought I better get on birth control because who knows? 218 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,920 But I want to be protected because I've taken care of 219 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:15,640 enough kids, I don't want any. So I got in birth control and 220 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,120 one day I kept in a little safe box with a key and one day I 221 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,480 opened it up and it was gone. My dad, I talked to him and he 222 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,320 said we shouldn't be on it in the 1st place. 223 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,840 And then he said, well, I'm sure your mother took it, but that 224 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,160 was OK. I shouldn't ask her about it. 225 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,640 And I was like, I don't know if she expected that I would just 226 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:38,560 go ahead and do whatever and get pregnant anyway because that was 227 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,800 not my jam. I was not doing it. 228 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,960 So I was like, well, I guess I just start over. 229 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,320 But it was all kinds of weird things like that. 230 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:53,080 And things like they had a friend that set all my alarms 231 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,920 off. He was a grown man. 232 00:12:54,920 --> 00:13:00,200 He was their age, but he just now I would say don't leave him 233 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,680 around your daughters. Not at all. 234 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,960 And it turned out to be correct. He did go to prison for messing 235 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:13,600 around with a teenage girl. So but he would come over and he 236 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,560 would say things to me and I didn't like it. 237 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,280 So I tended to stay away. And one time she called me into 238 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:23,920 the living room and he grabbed me and was like forcibly holding 239 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:27,880 me in place and trying to kiss me and trying to grope me and 240 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:31,280 and I'm yelling and my mom's like, stop screaming, just let 241 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:34,320 him kiss you and it won't be bad and you'll just be done. 242 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:38,960 And I thought, man, if I let him touch me, that is going to be 243 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,680 the start of a whole big thing because I can't let him do 244 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,200 anything. I know, I know that much right 245 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:49,520 now. So I fought with him while she 246 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:53,640 just laughed about it. Oh I'm so sorry that happened. 247 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:58,720 It just sounds like they had no parental instinct to protect you 248 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:02,000 or or didn't choose to. That's awful. 249 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:07,760 Yeah, I I don't feel like she looked at me as their child, 250 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,520 even though his name was on my birth certificate. 251 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,800 I was their only child for two years. 252 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,800 I think that once they had children together, it was like, 253 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:22,360 oh, we have our children and this one and and we're not sure 254 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:26,480 what to do with this one. So I used to say, you know, I 255 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,640 live like Cinderella and my friends would be like, oh, it's 256 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,320 so funny. And I was like, no, for real. 257 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,880 I mean, I take care of the children. 258 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,600 I do the laundry, I clean the house. 259 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:40,480 When I was 16, I got a part time job and my parents made me pay 260 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:46,040 $100 a month rent when I was 16. That's a long time ago, but I 261 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:50,880 made like just over $3.00 an hour, $100 a month was a lot. 262 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:55,640 And I was still in high school when I when my son graduated 263 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,640 from college. He said, do you want me to pay 264 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,680 rent while I'm living with you? And I said absolutely not, 265 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:04,040 absolutely not. That's a ridiculous thing. 266 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,240 And he said, well, I'm living here and I'm not. 267 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,520 I'm not paying for anything, I said, but you're saving your 268 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,960 money so that you can go out and be on your own. 269 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,480 I said, I'm not my mother. I'm not going to do that. 270 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:20,200 I tend to take everything they did and just be the parent you 271 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,280 needed. Yeah. 272 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,960 Yeah. So it was all a really 273 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:28,400 interesting situation. When I went to college, they 274 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:33,360 moved and didn't tell me was getting ready to come home. 275 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:37,760 I think it was on Christmas break and the day before I was 276 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,880 supposed to leave, I got a letter in the mail. 277 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,760 I mean, thank goodness I got it then 'cause otherwise I wouldn't 278 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,640 have gotten it at all. Gone to the wrong house. 279 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:48,120 And the letter said, oh, we moved, I hope you can still make 280 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,320 it. Here's the address. 281 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:53,640 And I was like, that's not anywhere near where we lived. 282 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:58,800 It was like an hour away. So I had to cancel the ride 283 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,240 'cause, you know, you do Rideshare home and I was 284 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,120 struggling to find somebody and one of my friends was very kind 285 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:09,240 and said it's out of my way, but I'll take you, I'll take you 286 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,520 there. I don't know how you can get 287 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,840 back, but I can take you home. So he did drive me home, which 288 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:18,120 was very kind of him. But I'm always like when people 289 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:21,560 talk about trauma from growing up and I'm like, I had a lot of 290 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,080 different things growing up, but I think my parents moving while 291 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:27,320 I was in college and not telling me was the tip top. 292 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:32,720 Yeah, I mean, it's just you're really painting a picture of 293 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,480 neglect, you know, from your parents. 294 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:41,600 Yeah, it it wasn't like they didn't do a lot of things. 295 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,080 They just didn't do a lot of things right. 296 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:49,040 And so it was kind of crazy. I did take good care of my 297 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:52,200 siblings, so whether or not they grew up to be decent people is 298 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,720 another question, but I did try my hardest. 299 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,840 What was your relationship like with your family then after 300 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,200 college until you took your DNA test? 301 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,599 What was that like? It wasn't the best. 302 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,200 Here's one of the the traits that I have that I feel like 303 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,640 they're missing is that they were my family. 304 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:16,520 So I was trying very hard to 'cause I kept thinking there had 305 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,960 to be something wrong with me because I just wasn't trying 306 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,560 hard enough because they were all the same. 307 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,440 And then there was me. So I was like, maybe I have to 308 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,640 try a little harder. Maybe I have to do a little 309 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:33,160 more. So holiday gatherings, I 310 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,920 organized them. My mom would want to have them 311 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:39,800 at her house and that was fine. But I did all the calling 312 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,680 everybody. I did all the food organization, 313 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:46,280 what we were doing and, and nobody offered to help. 314 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,280 They just like I was self appointed and they were like 315 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:53,640 good for you and and so we just carried on. 316 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:58,440 But the year I had my daughter, I was just turning 28 and it was 317 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,000 at Christmas. So I just was having my birthday 318 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:07,480 and Christmas and my mom did not buy me gifts until right before 319 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,000 I got there like a day or two before. 320 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:15,080 And she bought me sweat suits from a thrift store. 321 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,920 They weren't new sweat suits. They had like embroidery and 322 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:21,360 stuff on them. They were like, like, I was 28 323 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,360 and there was something, I was like, oh, my grandma would wear 324 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,720 this and she would be like, look how cute this is. 325 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,360 And I would be like, that is cute on you, grandma. 326 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,280 But I was 28 and it was not so cute on me. 327 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,240 And in the same year, you know, my siblings were getting all 328 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:40,400 kinds of really nice gifts. And it was very, the divide is 329 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:44,480 very visible. It started coming to a point 330 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,280 when I wasn't married, I was living with my boyfriend when I 331 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:52,120 had my first child and I needed to come home. 332 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,880 And I called and I said, can I come home at least for six 333 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,440 months to get on my feet and get myself together? 334 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:02,040 And they said, OK, fine. And I came home and I didn't 335 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,000 want to be there and they didn't want me there. 336 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,720 But I was like, we're going to make the best of this. 337 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,680 I got a job, my aunt helped me buy a car. 338 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,880 I found a daycare. I was like, I'm, I'm on it. 339 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:17,320 After I was there a few weeks, my mom, I came home one day from 340 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:21,120 work and daycare and my mom handed me a piece of paper and 341 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:23,880 she said here, you can go stay here. 342 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,160 And I said, what are you talking about? 343 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,080 What is this? And she said, it's a shelter. 344 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,000 I called and you and the baby can go and stay there because 345 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,280 you can't stay here anymore. And I was like, I'm not taking 346 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,040 this baby to a shelter. What is wrong with you? 347 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:42,040 And I waited until my day. I got home and I I handed him 348 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,800 the piece of paper and I said, mom said I have to go stay at 349 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,920 the shelter. First time ever. 350 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:50,280 He stood up for me and said, and it was only because I had a 351 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,920 baby. If it was just me, I think I 352 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,240 would have been out, but I had a baby. 353 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,760 And he said absolutely not, you're staying here. 354 00:19:56,760 --> 00:20:01,040 So I cut my time as short as possible and at five months I 355 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:06,120 moved out and I then started lowering my contact. 356 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,320 And then I got married and my dad got really mad. 357 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,280 And after the wedding he said, you're so rude. 358 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:17,120 You didn't even thank me for paying for your dress and your 359 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,480 flowers. And I said, Dad, you didn't pay 360 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,800 for my dress or my flowers, I paid for them. 361 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,240 And he said, no, I gave your mother the money. 362 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:29,400 And I said, well, I don't know what she spent it on, but I have 363 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,320 the receipt for the dress and the flowers and I paid for them. 364 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,680 He never said anything to her that I know of, but I needed to 365 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,960 let him know that that is not what happened because I kept 366 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,040 waiting and the dress place kept calling. 367 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:46,840 And I'd say, man, I, my mom said she's going to pay. 368 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,880 And then I would call her and she'd say, oh, I'll take care of 369 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,160 it. And, and it kept happening. 370 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,480 And finally I said, you know what? 371 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,360 I've got to pay for this dress. I'm going to lose it. 372 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,600 So I just took care of it and I was like, I'm done. 373 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:05,280 So it wasn't until I think maybe 2010 that I cut them off And I 374 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:09,960 just, I said, you know what? I can't do this anymore. 375 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,760 I, I have kids and I have a husband and I have a house and 376 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:19,600 you are all so much drama and I, I just can't do it anymore. 377 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,120 And I felt like the worst person in the entire world because I 378 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:29,200 was being so selfish, being like, I, I can't do this. 379 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:34,320 And I thought if I were a better person, I could make a go of 380 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,320 this. I know I could. 381 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,280 And I was just beating myself up about it all the time. 382 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,800 I felt terribly guilty. But really, in reality, I only 383 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,600 cut off my mother. I didn't cut off my dad. 384 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,800 He just, that was the end of him. 385 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:53,800 He never contacted me. He never did anything. 386 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,160 It was just like, he was like, great, I'm out. 387 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,640 My siblings, basically same thing. 388 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,880 I had one sibling that kept in touch and we got pretty close 389 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,080 for a while. And then she has a lot of 390 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:08,720 similar mental health issues as our mother. 391 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:12,160 And she kind of went the same route. 392 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,040 And I had to say we can work through this. 393 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:17,560 You just need to take your meds. You just need to take care of 394 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,800 yourself. And she was like, you know what, 395 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:23,200 I'm out. And then she was gone. 396 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,360 Every once in a while I would get a birthday card and I would 397 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:30,880 always be like what is this? And I would open it and it'd be 398 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,000 a birthday card and I'd be like whatever. 399 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,120 I would text my friends be like I got it. 400 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,480 I got a birthday card this year and they'd say your mom is so 401 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:44,560 crazy and I'd say I know I no contact but like every 3rd year 402 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,840 or so I get a birthday card. I don't understand how her mind 403 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,360 works. So we just kind of went on with 404 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:52,240 no contact with them at all. It's. 405 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:56,600 Really mind boggling, like especially because you are your 406 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:59,800 mother's biological child. I mean, you know, come to find 407 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,480 out. So, I mean, not that it would 408 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:07,440 excuse anything even if if she wasn't, but this idea, you know, 409 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,800 like you're saying that that your siblings are their children 410 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,280 and looking back, that's why there was this difference. 411 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,960 It's like we're trying to rationalize something that makes 412 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,840 no sense. Absolutely, and my daughter has 413 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:23,920 a different biological dad. My husband adopted my daughter 414 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,120 when she was seven. We had to wait until we'd been 415 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:30,040 married and for a specific length of time in our state. 416 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,400 I don't know if it's like that everywhere. 417 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:35,720 And so, you know, she switched her last name and that's her 418 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,600 dad. That's who she, she's known 419 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:41,520 since she was 2 1/2. But she has always known that 420 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,200 she has a different biological dad. 421 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,560 She knows his name. She knows where he lives. 422 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,480 He doesn't have contact with her, but she knows. 423 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,360 And when she got old enough, she used to say, you know, why 424 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:54,560 doesn't he come around? And I would say things like, 425 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,760 well, you know, I maybe he's just busy. 426 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,320 Maybe he's just living a different lifestyle than we are. 427 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,120 And then when she got older, I was like, listen, he does drugs 428 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:04,840 and he sleeps with a lot of girls. 429 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,720 I don't know what he's doing out there. 430 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:10,280 But you know, when you're older, you can call him and ask him. 431 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,640 And she did. And she did get in contact with 432 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,200 him. And she didn't like what she 433 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:17,480 got. So but at least she knew. 434 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,520 She knew. And she had that option of 435 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,920 contacting him, which I think is the most important thing in this 436 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,040 whole situation is giving the children the ability to handle 437 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,320 it themselves. And I'm sorry, I laugh a lot 438 00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:34,200 when I talk about this stuff because it is just, it's just so 439 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,400 much. It's OK, I I always think we 440 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:41,440 don't laugh, we'll cry. So in 2018, I got 23 ME tests 441 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:45,720 for the whole family because The thing is that my birth 442 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:50,880 certificate, father's family, humongous and they trace all the 443 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:52,840 way back to the 1500s. They have like their own 444 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:58,440 website, their own organization. It's psychotic and I am a 445 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,120 history nerd and I love that stuff. 446 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,960 I've had family trees on paper since I was a teenager. 447 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:09,320 I love family trees. So we're doing 23andMe and I am 448 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,440 going to prove I'm connected to these French people, the 449 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,160 Huguenots. I'm going to be connected to 450 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,680 them. So we did 23andMe and my son and 451 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,960 husband were very excited that they got to see all their 452 00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,480 connections because they are directly connected. 453 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:27,800 And my daughter was like, hey, who's Jewish in our family? 454 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,600 Because I'm like, certain percentage of Ashkenazi Jewish. 455 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,040 And I was like, must be your biological dad. 456 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:38,200 It's not me. So she had that little surprise. 457 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,560 So that was kind of fun for her. And I had nothing. 458 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:47,120 I mean, like almost literally nothing. 459 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,600 I had nobody closer than a third or fourth cousin. 460 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:53,840 I had no names I recognized on either side. 461 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,840 And I was like, did they steal me from a street corner? 462 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,760 What happened? Did you at that point wonder if 463 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:05,600 you were adopted or were you just thinking there's just no 464 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:09,360 matches? I was sure I wasn't adopted, but 465 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:13,800 I wondered if maybe somebody had a child and was like, somebody 466 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,600 else has to take this kid. And I was like, you know what? 467 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:21,320 I won't even feel bad because my mom just makes me mad anyway. 468 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,440 And and I'm like, I hated growing up with her. 469 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,800 So you know what, if I'm not her kid, I'll be OK with it. 470 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,600 And there was just nothing. And, and I sat on that for a 471 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:36,000 while and I was like, he can't be my dad because his family's 472 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,600 so huge. There's three variations of his 473 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:42,000 last name, but they're everybody's related and they're 474 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,280 all over the US. There's some in France, they're 475 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:47,320 all over the place. So I was like, I know he's not 476 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:51,120 my dad. I'm not sure if she's my mom, so 477 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:52,560 I don't know what's going on here. 478 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:57,800 So I waited and at the beginning of 2023 I bought an ancestry 479 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,880 test because I'm like, I think I'll have a better shot there. 480 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,240 They have a bigger database. So I just very quietly did that 481 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:09,240 on my own and it came back and I still had not much. 482 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,280 I did find a half cousin on my maternal side, a half first 483 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,680 cousin and I was like, who is this? 484 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:21,800 Turns out that my maternal grandfather had a first family. 485 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:25,640 I knew he'd been married first, but I never met any of them 486 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:30,120 because they didn't live there and they weren't around and 487 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,360 apparently they weren't very welcome with his second family. 488 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:38,240 So that was interesting. And I've met her and we're very 489 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:42,040 similar. We're only like 6 months apart 490 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,200 in age. We went to schools that were 491 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,320 very close to each other. We grew up very close to each 492 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:49,480 other, but we didn't know each other at all. 493 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:53,680 So that was kind of fun. And I would have never met her 494 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,720 if because my parents were, my mom was like, there's nobody, 495 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,560 there's nobody. These people don't they left. 496 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,680 We don't know what happened to them. 497 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:02,840 Turns out they they didn't go far. 498 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,120 Yeah. So that was really interesting. 499 00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:10,280 And I was able to give her photos that she had never seen 500 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:14,800 like of her grandfather and I was and her dad looks just like 501 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:17,880 his dad. So she thought that was just so 502 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:20,800 fascinating. She was like Oh my gosh, they 503 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,840 all the men on the side look the same. 504 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,880 So I was fine. But there was still nothing 505 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:29,240 paternal. 3rd and 4th cousins, 5th farther out. 506 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:33,120 And then one day my mom and my two youngest siblings popped up 507 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,600 and I was like, oh, and my mom popped up past my mom. 508 00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,360 And I have to say a little bit disappointed at that. 509 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,440 Were you really? Did you really feel 510 00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:44,560 disappointed? Or is that a joke? 511 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:47,800 I was I was like Dang it, if it had to be one of them. 512 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:49,640 I was hoping it was him instead of her. 513 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,080 But I knew it wasn't him. And I was like, I'm really 514 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:58,280 disappointed that it's her. But by then I had done a lot of 515 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:03,800 studying about ancestry and DNA stuff and how they measure it 516 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,440 with the cenom organs. And I knew all the different 517 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,840 levels. And I looked at my siblings and 518 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:11,520 I went, those are half siblings. So I was like, now I need to 519 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:15,080 know who's the half? Which half are you? 520 00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:16,840 I mean, we all have the same mom. 521 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:20,680 So who's are is he your dad? Because I don't think he's my 522 00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:22,880 dad. So I had to contact my mother, 523 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,800 and that did not make me happy at all. 524 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:30,200 I just contacted her on Facebook Messenger because I had her 525 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:33,560 blocked on Facebook, so I had to contact her there. 526 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,280 And I said, hey, I saw you guys showed up in Ancestry. 527 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:38,280 You know, that's great. It's very exciting. 528 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:40,640 Did Dad do Ancestry by any chance? 529 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,720 And she said, oh, yeah. And I said it's weird because I 530 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:46,440 can't find him. And she said, here, give me your 531 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,800 e-mail and I'll send you his test results. 532 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,800 And so she just gave me access to his tree and his test 533 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:58,040 results. And I was like, I opened them 534 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:01,360 and I was like, huh, I wonder why she would do that? 535 00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:05,760 Because it's 0%. At that point, she says nothing. 536 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,640 She does not take that opportunity to say this is the 537 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:14,040 truth, OK? So I opened it and immediately 538 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:17,480 messaged her and said, you sent me the test results and you 539 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:20,800 know, I really appreciate that, but you have to know that we 540 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:25,400 have zero DNA in common 0 And she said, oh, it slipped my 541 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:28,800 mind. Oh, and it's like slipped, 542 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,640 slipped your mind that I have a completely different parent. 543 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:36,640 And, and I know I've, I've heard other people say their parents, 544 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:38,040 their mothers said the same thing. 545 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:41,840 I do think there's some element. After a while the lie becomes 546 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:45,520 the truth for so long that it's not always at the forefront of 547 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,560 their mind and so maybe they just aren't really thinking 548 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:51,880 about it. But when faced with it, to say 549 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,560 it slipped my mind is pretty wild. 550 00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:56,600 And she said, you know, it slipped my mind. 551 00:30:56,600 --> 00:31:01,400 And I said, do you have any idea of who my father is? 552 00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:03,520 And she said, of course I know who it is. 553 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:08,520 And I was like, oh, I am seriously surprised at this 554 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:10,800 point when she said, of course I know who it is. 555 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:15,560 I was like, OK, so who is it? And she gave me a name. 556 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:19,400 She said his name is Buford, but it doesn't matter because he's 557 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:23,520 dead. And I was like, wow, it doesn't 558 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:26,360 matter because he's dead. Well, it kind of matters to me. 559 00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:31,560 So I spent my poor husband. He is such a good man. 560 00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:36,920 I'm going to tell you because I spent weeks and months, hours 561 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:40,160 and hours and hours, and I'm sure you know, deep into 562 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:45,320 ancestry and records and just a lot of time, a lot of time. 563 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,080 It took me a lot of time to find him because that wasn't his 564 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:50,720 name. OK? 565 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:54,240 His name wasn't Buford. His name was Burfred. 566 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,800 And I was looking for someone around her age. 567 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:00,960 That is not what I should have been looking for. 568 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,880 I figured it out and I'm like, is this his name? 569 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:08,600 And she said, that's him. And I was like, Oh my gosh. 570 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:13,040 And I only knew it was him because she said he died in 2005 571 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:15,000 in Florida. And then I had to message her 572 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:19,920 again and say, there's quite an age difference going on here. 573 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:25,320 Was this an assault? Was this a forceful situation? 574 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,200 You know, I, I was giving her every option. 575 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:30,560 And she said, no, it was my idea. 576 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:34,960 I wanted to. And I was like, oh, because she 577 00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,040 was 17 and he was 53. Wow. 578 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:43,760 And that's a large difference. And so it made me very concerned 579 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:46,680 for her. Yeah, that's, that's 580 00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:48,240 interesting. You know that your first 581 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:52,240 instinct was to approach with that compassion for the. 582 00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:56,680 Situation, You know, I have a lot of feelings about that, 583 00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:00,880 especially with what, you know, she had pretty much tried to 584 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:06,000 hand me over to a man in his 30s when I was young and apparently, 585 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,240 you know, that was not a big dealer. 586 00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:12,280 So yeah, I had to do a lot of research because there's not a 587 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:14,520 lot on his family because they're all gone. 588 00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:19,520 Everybody is gone except for 3rd, 4th cousins. 589 00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:24,880 He got married when I was two and his wife passed away in 590 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:27,520 1997. He passed away in 2005. 591 00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:31,400 When she passed away, he moved and lived with his stepson in 592 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,120 Florida and that's where he passed. 593 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:37,000 But they did bring him back to where I live to be buried with 594 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:41,440 his wife. He actually lived just like 20 595 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:47,320 minutes from me most of my life and then he moved a few hours 596 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:52,400 away, but I also moved so he was still quite close to me. 597 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:56,000 So to think that he was actually really close to me my entire 598 00:33:56,000 --> 00:34:00,640 life, it just very upsetting to me and I can't, I can't even 599 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:03,280 think about it too much. Did your mom tell you anything 600 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:08,199 more about their relationship or was it just this happened? 601 00:34:08,199 --> 00:34:12,880 It was my idea that she didn't say if it was an affair or what 602 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,400 the situation was. She said he was looking to get 603 00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,960 married and her dad wanted her. She had quit school and she was 604 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,159 16. And I think even then, she was 605 00:34:21,159 --> 00:34:26,520 probably a bit much to handle. And her dad wanted her to get 606 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:29,520 married. And this man had never been 607 00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:31,400 married and was looking for a wife. 608 00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:34,920 And I think that my grandfather, you know, it's in the 60s, he 609 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:37,000 was probably like, look, I'll marry her off. 610 00:34:37,159 --> 00:34:38,800 You have a farm. I have a farm. 611 00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:42,239 Look, we have more farm now. And you have a wife that will 612 00:34:42,239 --> 00:34:43,960 give you children to run the farm. 613 00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:46,880 This is a win win all the way around. 614 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:50,280 But she was not buying that. I mean, she was buying part of 615 00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:55,080 it, but not all of it. And so that was it. 616 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:58,680 He, his wife had four children. So we had stepchildren. 617 00:34:59,240 --> 00:35:03,000 They were between like 9 and 17 when he got them. 618 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:06,360 So he still had some of them at home for quite some time. 619 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:11,120 And his oldest stepdaughter passed away the same year that 620 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:14,680 his wife did, which was very sad, very unfortunate because 621 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:19,800 she had four young children and her children's names were in the 622 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:24,680 obituary and so were her sisters names, but I couldn't find them. 623 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,000 And her brother, they have a very common last name, so it's 624 00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:32,360 very hard to find any of them. But I found addresses for the 625 00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:36,440 step grandchildren and I wrote them letters and I put them in 626 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:39,200 envelopes and I sealed them and I stuck them at my desk. 627 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:43,920 And then I cried about it a lot. OK, take your time. 628 00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:46,080 What's coming up for you right now? 629 00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:52,200 Oh, because you don't know how you're going to be received or 630 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:55,120 if you're going to be received at all, you know. 631 00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:59,840 So I put those letters away and I was like, I'm not going to 632 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:02,160 send them. But I had them see him. 633 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:08,040 I had them addressed for months. And then finally in 'cause I 634 00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:10,760 found, I realized who he was. I found all his information in 635 00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:14,600 April. In late October, I finally sent 636 00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:16,680 them. It took me a long time to get up 637 00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:19,000 that courage to do it. And in the meantime, I had 638 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:24,360 joined DNA surprise groups and I was reading a lot, I was 639 00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,880 listening to podcasts and there's a lot of stories, 640 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:30,480 there's a lot of reactions. And I was just, I was scared to 641 00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:33,720 do it. So it was late October and I 642 00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:37,160 just said listen, man up and do it. 643 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,880 They're either not going to answer, they're going to answer 644 00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:41,600 rudely, they're going to answer nicely. 645 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,800 There's only three options and no is free. 646 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:48,640 So you just have to do it. I got up one morning. 647 00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:50,920 I just picked him up, put him in the mailbox and I drove away 648 00:36:51,240 --> 00:36:54,160 because I was like, if I stay, I will dig them back out of the 649 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:57,040 mailbox. So I had to go and, and I think 650 00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:02,880 it was November 1st, a woman reached out and Facebook friend 651 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:06,240 requested me and I was like, I think that's one of the 652 00:37:06,240 --> 00:37:09,960 stepdaughters. So I accepted and it was a 653 00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:13,640 couple days and then she messaged me and she said, hey, 654 00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:18,960 Gerfred was my stepdad and I have to say, you look just like 655 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:20,560 him. How are you related? 656 00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:23,200 Because in my letter I didn't say how, I just said I'm closely 657 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:25,400 related. OK, OK. 658 00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:28,440 And I said I'm closely related. I'm looking for like, some 659 00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:31,640 family health information and photos if you have them. 660 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:33,960 I tried to, you know, keep it pretty light. 661 00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:36,800 And she was like, you look just like him. 662 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,720 She said, I, I showed your picture on Facebook to my 663 00:37:39,720 --> 00:37:43,200 siblings and they were like, yeah, you, you look like him. 664 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:46,480 She was finishing high school when her mom married him. 665 00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:51,840 And so she was, she was there off and on, you know, and then 666 00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:54,200 her younger siblings were there the whole time. 667 00:37:54,720 --> 00:37:59,640 They were like 9 and 13. So she said when we talked about 668 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:04,960 me being his daughter, she said if he had known, he would have 669 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:07,640 been there for you. She said that's the kind of guy 670 00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:10,320 he was. She said, look, he took us on. 671 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,840 There were four of us. He took on a single mom with 672 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,720 four kids. And she said he never treated us 673 00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:19,720 like we weren't his kids. How did it make you feel to hear 674 00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:22,840 that? You know, it made me feel great 675 00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:28,760 that the instincts I have for helping people come from 676 00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:32,320 someplace. All the things I do, the, the 677 00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:35,320 things that I'm involved in, that makes sense to me. 678 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:38,360 I'm like, yeah, OK, good. That came from a good place. 679 00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:42,280 And that's one of the things I said was was he a good person? 680 00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:43,320 Yeah. And they were. 681 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:45,840 And she said absolutely he was yes. 682 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:50,320 So you find out that he probably did not know about you. 683 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:55,080 Right. Does your birth certificate 684 00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:59,240 father know that you are not his biological child or or did you 685 00:38:59,240 --> 00:39:03,280 find that out? I asked my mom and she said 686 00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:05,800 yeah, he knows. I was already pregnant when we 687 00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:10,160 met and I told him I didn't want to give the baby up. 688 00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:15,680 So he agreed to marry me and then we got married and then we 689 00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:18,000 fell in love and stayed married, she said. 690 00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:21,320 So he absolutely knows you're not his, but he put his name on 691 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:22,680 there anyway. OK. 692 00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:28,960 And I was like OK that was nice of him but still y'all should 693 00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:32,080 have told me. Because if you had told me, we 694 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:36,080 wouldn't be in this spot now and I probably would have had a much 695 00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:40,040 different childhood because I would have had another parent 696 00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:44,560 that if something weird was going on, I could call and say, 697 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:48,760 hey, I have this situation going on and maybe he could have 698 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:51,160 stepped in. Sure, yeah. 699 00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:54,520 And he was, he was a farmer. He owned a big farm. 700 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:58,400 The the step kids have, they said, stop calling them step 701 00:39:58,400 --> 00:39:59,720 kids. They're just my siblings. 702 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:01,600 These people aren't related to me at all. 703 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:03,000 They're the sweetest people, though. 704 00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:06,160 They said, yeah, we could have taught you how to ride the 705 00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:10,120 calves and drive a tractor and milk the cows. 706 00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:14,000 And I was like, no, I would have actually loved that. 707 00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:18,440 That sounds like so much fun. What happens next? 708 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:21,560 Do you get to meet anyone? One of them lives out of 709 00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:24,360 country, but she was coming to visit her sister. 710 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:27,880 So the two girls and I met. Their brother lives in Florida 711 00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:29,880 still. I talked to him on the phone. 712 00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:32,360 I've emailed with him. Sweet guy. 713 00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:38,480 So I met up with the two sisters and we had breakfast and they 714 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:45,520 brought me a present. They gifted me the family photo 715 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:47,800 album. This thing is so old. 716 00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:54,200 It's over 100 years old, and it is full of pictures of him at 717 00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:57,400 different stages in life, his siblings, his parents at 718 00:40:57,400 --> 00:41:00,600 different stages, some grandparents, great 719 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:04,880 grandparents, great aunts and uncles, all kinds of people. 720 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:09,720 Because his parents, his mom was the last one to go, and she died 721 00:41:09,720 --> 00:41:13,120 in 1965. He hadn't married before that 722 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:16,440 because his mom was bedridden and he didn't want to put that 723 00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:21,200 on a wife to take care of her. So he didn't get married until 724 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:24,320 after she passed away. She passed away in 65, in 725 00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:27,880 November. I was born in December of 66. 726 00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:32,720 So he was out looking for a wife to handle the house to, you 727 00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:34,600 know, help him with the farm, apparently. 728 00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:38,520 I think that was enough for him. And he waited four years before 729 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:40,680 he got married. They're very nice. 730 00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:44,920 In fact, I just talked to both of them this past week, both of 731 00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:47,880 the girls, they were together visiting. 732 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:52,080 So I was going to go and visit, but then things were just crazy 733 00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:53,800 and I was like, I can't make it this time. 734 00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:57,040 But I do chat with them at least every couple weeks. 735 00:41:57,600 --> 00:41:59,160 They're very welcoming, very nice. 736 00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:06,800 They've sent me scanned pictures that they have and just it's 737 00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:10,560 just very, very nice. Yeah, that's amazing that you've 738 00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:14,360 had the opportunity to learn so much about him even though he's 739 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:18,920 not here anymore. Have you talked anymore to your 740 00:42:18,920 --> 00:42:22,560 raised family about the situation? 741 00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:26,200 No. I told her that I found him and 742 00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:28,920 that was it. I I actually made myself a note 743 00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:32,120 here. She said that when I said, OK, 744 00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:35,440 I've got all the information, I found out who my father is. 745 00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,440 We're, we're good to go. You know, you can you just leave 746 00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:39,520 me? I'm good. 747 00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:44,800 She sent me this huge text about how she knows I don't care, but 748 00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:47,600 you know, she's struggling taking care of my birth 749 00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:51,720 certificate father and he can't do anything for himself and so 750 00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:56,120 on and so on and basically trying to guilt me into doing 751 00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:59,200 something. So I copied it, screenshot it 752 00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:02,080 and I sent it to the youngest sibling because she's the 753 00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:05,600 closest one to them. And I said your parents 754 00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:09,120 apparently need some help. I don't know what they need. 755 00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:11,440 And she said I was just there this week. 756 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,880 They're fine. She was like, dad's not that 757 00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:17,400 bad. He's got a few health issues, 758 00:43:17,400 --> 00:43:19,960 but he's fine. She's fine. 759 00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:22,480 And I was like, OK, well, I'm just letting you know. 760 00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:24,800 And I she's the only one I told out of the siblings. 761 00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:28,680 I said this is what's going on. And I told her the whole thing 762 00:43:28,680 --> 00:43:30,640 and she said Oh my God I'm so sorry. 763 00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:35,480 Then my mom texted me or messaged me about 3-4 weeks 764 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:38,840 later and said well now I've had a heart attack and I'm pretty 765 00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:43,120 sure that was a blaming issue right there but I'm not the one 766 00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:46,840 that was hiding things. So I decided not to take any 767 00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:49,680 blame for that and I was really proud of myself for not taking 768 00:43:49,680 --> 00:43:51,600 any blame. For it, I was going to say that 769 00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:53,720 is amazing. Like you should be proud of 770 00:43:53,720 --> 00:43:55,600 yourself for not taking blame for it. 771 00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:59,440 It was hard, but I've spent a couple of years in therapy and 772 00:43:59,440 --> 00:44:00,800 now I know I don't have to do that. 773 00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:05,600 But otherwise, no, I I haven't had any contact. 774 00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:08,800 I've taken everybody in that family because they were all 775 00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:11,880 basically the same. I took them all off my social 776 00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:14,280 media. I just, I just unfriended 777 00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:17,440 everybody. I have one cousin that I left 778 00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:19,560 on. Do you still have any questions 779 00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:23,640 for anyone involved? Your your biological father? 780 00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:26,600 Your parents. I have a lot of questions. 781 00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:32,040 I'd love to hear his side of it. Like, what the heck? 782 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:36,520 I mean, 53 to 17, I understand. I understand what's going on, I 783 00:44:36,520 --> 00:44:40,800 think, but it was just a bad idea, a bad decision, a bad 784 00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:45,800 everything. I would like to know that what 785 00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:50,480 was going on from his side and what the aftermath was like for 786 00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:53,200 him, because I know what it was like on our side. 787 00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:55,760 My parents were at least very young. 788 00:44:56,240 --> 00:44:58,760 They both quit school when they were 16. 789 00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:01,720 My birth certificate father didn't know how to read. 790 00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:09,360 So we're very, very poor. So I think that the flip side, 791 00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:12,760 my biological dad was quite well off. 792 00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:16,200 I've been out to the cemetery to see where he's buried. 793 00:45:16,200 --> 00:45:19,440 I've driven by the house that his father or grandfather, he 794 00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:23,240 was his grandfather built that he lived in until the 90s. 795 00:45:23,840 --> 00:45:25,840 Beautiful place. I just think that things could 796 00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:29,520 have been a lot different and it would have been really nice. 797 00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:33,360 But yeah, there's a whole lot of questions out there, probably 798 00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:35,680 way more than I'm thinking of currently. 799 00:45:35,720 --> 00:45:39,600 Now, you touched on therapy as something that's kind of helped 800 00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:43,800 you learn how to navigate your relationship with your family. 801 00:45:44,240 --> 00:45:49,240 What has helped you navigate this DNA surprise? 802 00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:54,280 You know, I was really feeling alone, Very, very alone. 803 00:45:54,680 --> 00:45:57,800 Joining the groups helped because I'm like, every day 804 00:45:57,800 --> 00:46:01,560 there's somebody new and you're able to say we got it, we got 805 00:46:01,560 --> 00:46:03,120 it. We understand how you feel. 806 00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:06,160 Your feelings are valid. Here's something that helped me. 807 00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:08,840 Or have you looked at it this way? 808 00:46:08,920 --> 00:46:12,560 It's really nice to have that camaraderie that we're all in 809 00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:14,640 the same boat and there's so many of us. 810 00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:18,160 What's next for you on your path? 811 00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:21,520 Are you trying to learn more about your father or what are 812 00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:26,760 you up to? I think I have learned a lot of 813 00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:32,400 what I what I can. I do occasionally ask Bob the 814 00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:35,960 stepson, because he lived with him so long. 815 00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:38,520 At the end, I think he lived with him for eight years. 816 00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:43,360 And he has the best stories. And every time I ask him for a 817 00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:44,920 story, he gives me a brand new one. 818 00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:49,080 He does not repeat them. And every time he gives me a 819 00:46:49,080 --> 00:46:52,560 story, I'm like, Oh, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. 820 00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:56,680 That makes sense to me. Mostly just I'm looking for 821 00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:59,680 stories. I've actually sat down and wrote 822 00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:02,920 out some stuff, maybe about 5 pages. 823 00:47:03,280 --> 00:47:08,160 It's not a lot, but my best friend keeps saying you should 824 00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:11,960 write this is a crazy story. And she's like, I think if you 825 00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:16,400 told it the way you tell it to me, it it would help people. 826 00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:19,120 And I'm like, I gloss it up for other people. 827 00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:22,000 I don't gloss it up for you. Yeah, yeah. 828 00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:26,800 So she has the the down and dirty version and she's like, I 829 00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:30,480 think you should, you should share that with people exactly 830 00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:32,320 how it is. And you know, maybe I will, 831 00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:35,000 maybe I will. But for right now, it's just 832 00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:38,040 some thoughts on paper. And you know, I'm my mother 833 00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:41,320 named me after herself. I don't use my first name. 834 00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:46,560 I use my middle name and so for years I have said I wanted to 835 00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:48,680 change my first name because I hate it so much. 836 00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:53,720 What happened is that when I turned 18I suddenly had terrible 837 00:47:53,720 --> 00:47:57,080 credit and a lot of creditors that were angry at me and it was 838 00:47:57,200 --> 00:47:59,160 not a good introduction to adulthood. 839 00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:03,240 So I've always said I need to change my first name before I 840 00:48:03,240 --> 00:48:04,920 die because I don't want to have my tombstone. 841 00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:08,280 And and for anybody maybe who's listening, who hasn't put the 842 00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:14,320 pieces together, your mother took credit out under your name. 843 00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:16,920 Because we have the same, we have the same first and last 844 00:48:16,920 --> 00:48:19,360 name. So she just used my Social 845 00:48:19,360 --> 00:48:23,800 Security number and and that's what she did with me. 846 00:48:24,280 --> 00:48:27,360 So when I turned 18, I had terrible credit. 847 00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:31,200 I didn't even get to start out decently in adulthood in the 848 00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,760 option was I did go to an attorney and say, what do I do 849 00:48:33,760 --> 00:48:36,800 about this? And they said, well, looking at 850 00:48:36,800 --> 00:48:39,640 all the paperwork, they said we can prove with your signatures 851 00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:42,640 that this is not you. We can prove that it's your 852 00:48:42,640 --> 00:48:45,280 mother. And then they told me, but you 853 00:48:45,280 --> 00:48:47,320 have to decide if you want to send her to prison. 854 00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:54,680 And I was like, OK, well, never mind then, because I couldn't do 855 00:48:54,680 --> 00:48:58,560 that when she had small children still at home. 856 00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:01,280 Even though I know what kind of mother she was to me, I think 857 00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,320 she was better to them. So. 858 00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:07,120 So I did not do that. And I just dealt with the 859 00:49:07,480 --> 00:49:09,680 repercussions. Wow. 860 00:49:09,960 --> 00:49:13,680 For years you've. Really really been through it. 861 00:49:13,720 --> 00:49:15,760 Are you thinking about changing your name? 862 00:49:16,080 --> 00:49:18,160 I am. I'm going to knock off my first 863 00:49:18,160 --> 00:49:23,040 name and move my middle name up. And then I'm considering taking 864 00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:27,720 both grandparents last names and putting them in the middle. 865 00:49:28,240 --> 00:49:32,000 I feel like the more I learn, the more I'm like, Oh yeah, 866 00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:34,560 yeah, that's definitely who I look like. 867 00:49:34,600 --> 00:49:37,520 And that sounds like definitely who I act like. 868 00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:42,840 I was at a doctor's office and and I they said, oh, we see that 869 00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:46,120 your dad said the family XYZ. And I said, oh, you have to 870 00:49:46,120 --> 00:49:47,840 delete that. He's not my dad. 871 00:49:47,960 --> 00:49:50,560 And they were like, oh, really? Do you have any health 872 00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:52,600 information? I said, well, I will tell you 873 00:49:52,600 --> 00:49:55,120 that everybody on his side of the family except for his dad, 874 00:49:55,400 --> 00:50:00,040 like forever has lived to be like 90 and, and they died of 875 00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:02,160 natural causes. They're super healthy people, 876 00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:05,040 which is great. But that led to a conversation 877 00:50:05,040 --> 00:50:10,400 about how this this nurse said, oh, my aunt and uncle have a 878 00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:12,040 child. Well, it's not really my uncle's 879 00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:14,720 child. It's the guy that my aunt had an 880 00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:17,760 affair with and my uncle knows, but they're not telling her. 881 00:50:17,760 --> 00:50:20,720 And I said, how old is she? And she said 15. 882 00:50:20,720 --> 00:50:24,920 And I said, you go home and call them and you tell them. 883 00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:28,400 They need to tell her right now. They need to sit her down and 884 00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:30,640 have that conversation. And it is going to be hard and 885 00:50:30,640 --> 00:50:33,520 she's going to be mad. She did not also cry about it. 886 00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:37,680 But better to do it now and bring that guy in because he's 887 00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:39,160 going to need to know what's coming at him. 888 00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:43,080 But it's way better to let her know now than let her find out 889 00:50:43,080 --> 00:50:45,760 when she does adna test because that's going to happen. 890 00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:48,080 Exactly. Everybody does them exactly. 891 00:50:48,240 --> 00:50:50,920 And she was just like, I don't think they're going to do that. 892 00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:55,000 And I said, OK, well, good luck. That leads perfectly to the 893 00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:58,840 question, what advice do you have for someone who is keeping 894 00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:00,640 adna surprise from their child's? 895 00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:04,120 No surprises. Nothing about your DNA should be 896 00:51:04,120 --> 00:51:07,800 a surprise except for, you know, some crazy thing like you 897 00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:10,480 inherited rheumatoid arthritis like I did. 898 00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:17,080 That's a that's a bad surprise, but you know, I would take it 899 00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:20,600 over some other things there. There shouldn't be any 900 00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:23,160 surprises. I, I can't believe that we're in 901 00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:28,320 2024 and people are still just now finding out that their dad's 902 00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:30,960 not their dad or their mom's not their mom. 903 00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:36,440 I I really feel deeply that honesty with your children can 904 00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:39,960 only make things better. That's why I told my daughter 905 00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:42,680 right from the beginning, when she was little, I'd be like, you 906 00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:46,720 have a father that is not here. And, you know, when she was 907 00:51:46,720 --> 00:51:49,240 little, we talked about it in easy terms. 908 00:51:49,240 --> 00:51:50,920 And as she got older, we increased it. 909 00:51:50,920 --> 00:51:55,280 But I want to make sure she knew right up front I didn't want, I 910 00:51:55,280 --> 00:51:57,920 never wanted her to be mad at me when she got older. 911 00:51:58,000 --> 00:52:00,680 And now I'm really glad that I did it that way. 912 00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:05,080 Yeah, absolutely. What advice do you have for 913 00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:08,440 someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise? 914 00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:13,720 Be kind to yourself because man, it's a lot of emotions and 915 00:52:13,720 --> 00:52:16,640 they're all over the place and they change not just day by day, 916 00:52:16,640 --> 00:52:20,280 but like hour. I pushed down a lot of it at 917 00:52:20,280 --> 00:52:24,400 first because I was like, I, I need all the information, I'm 918 00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:27,200 just going to research and I just like turned everything off 919 00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:30,000 and I just did research. But then when I actually had to 920 00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:33,360 deal with it, when I go to therapy and talk about it, I'd 921 00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:36,960 be a total disaster. And so now I just, if I cry, I 922 00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:39,640 cry. I mean, that's the way it is. 923 00:52:39,800 --> 00:52:43,680 So give yourself grace, give yourself kindness and get a good 924 00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:46,520 therapist and a best friend and you're going to make it through. 925 00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:49,120 It's going to be OK Join lots of groups. 926 00:52:49,840 --> 00:52:54,520 So well said, Don, Thank you so much for coming on the podcast 927 00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:59,120 and sharing your story. You've been through so much, but 928 00:52:59,120 --> 00:53:03,440 your attitude and the way that you have just leaned in to 929 00:53:03,520 --> 00:53:07,040 protecting yourself and learning more about your biological 930 00:53:07,040 --> 00:53:10,640 family is really inspiring to me and I'm sure to a lot of people 931 00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:12,880 who are listening. I wish you the best. 932 00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:16,360 Thank you so much. Thanks again to Dawn for sharing 933 00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:19,200 her story. If you have adna surprise that 934 00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:22,040 you'd like to share, please submit your story to 935 00:53:22,040 --> 00:53:27,040 dnasurprisespodcast.com. Until next time. 936 00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:32,960 This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited 937 00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:37,480 by me Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by 938 00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:40,720 Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.