It was really hard for me and it made me angry at my mom again
because she kept this from me and all the stories they told me
about Kelly and Carrie growing up and how amazing they were at
softball and this and that. And I just, I'm not one that
loves to talk about everything. I did.
Well, I wanted to be like, you should have seen me play.
Yeah, you would have been so proud of me.
It wasn't a time when everything was videotaped and on camera
when I played. So he will never see me play.
He will never know that side of me, which makes me sad because
that was his life. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a
podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA
discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.
In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out
that I'm an NPEA person who has experienced a non paternal
event. In other words, my biological
father isn't who I thought he was.
Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and
donor conceived people and their families.
Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin
with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises.
If you're listening to this episode and you've had Adna
surprise, you might be tuning in from the perspective of someone
who just uncovered their results.
Or maybe your surprised happened years ago when consumer DNA
tests became popular. What has changed for you since
the day you opened your test results?
In this week's episode, I'm joined by a guest from Season 1,
Crystal. Crystal had her DNA surprised
the same month and year that I did.
When we first spoke, it had only been a few months since she
received her results, and so much has happened since then.
Crystal shares what it was like when she finally met her
biological father for the first time, as well as how her
relationships have evolved over the years.
If you're in the thick of your DNA surprise right now, I hope
this episode gives you hope that things will get better, because
they will. Thank you Crystal for sharing
your story. If you haven't heard Crystal's
episode yet, I've included a link in the show notes.
Go listen to her episode and then come back here for an
update. Today I am joined by Crystal.
Crystal was one of my first guests on DNA Surprises in
Season 1. You may be familiar with her
story. It aired in January of 2022.
So much has happened since then and I'm so excited to have a
chance to catch up. So welcome, Crystal.
Thank you, nice to talk to you again.
It is now July, so it has been 2 1/2 years since we spoke and I
know that your DNA surprise was also in July of 2021, just like
mine. So have you had your anniversary
yet? Is it coming up and how are you
doing? It's July 29th.
I don't really do anything for it.
I I do notice it on the calendar every year because that that
will forever be ingrained in my head.
That date, this will be your 3. Knowing this, this new, it's a
whole new identity really is what it is.
But I'm it just so much has changed since I talked to you
last. So yeah.
OK, so let's I. Need to fill you in.
Let's catch up. So how are things going?
Last time we talked, you hadn't yet met your bio dad, but you
were about to go out to visit him.
I think it was like within a month from when we talked you
were going to head out and see him.
So have you met your bio dad and how is that relationship going?
Yes. So I found out July 29th of 2021
we scheduled to go out there October of 2021.
So just a couple months after finding out the news the night
before we left I got COVID had to cancel literally at 10:30 PM
the night before. So we cancelled that and then we
made a plan to go back in December of 2021, so a couple
months after and we spoke in October 2020.
One yes. So that's as far as we got.
So yes, I, we all, me and my husband and three kids, we all
flew out to Minnesota on December 26th of 2021.
Actually, it was Christmas Day. It was December 25th, but we got
there late and where my biological dad lives is
literally in the middle of nowhere.
It's a 2 1/2 hour drive from any air main airport.
Minnesota's very, very cold in the end of December.
So we landed, rented a car. Our flight was delayed so we
didn't get there till I want to say 1:30 in the morning.
I stayed in this teeny little mic, it's called a microtel and
that's the closest place to where they live.
Got there the morning of December 26th with the plans of
being at their house at 8:00 AM that day.
So I did not sleep very much that night, of course.
Plus I didn't even have that much time to sleep because we
got in so late and I just couldn't sleep.
Regardless, got up to my alarm, woke everybody up, we ate
breakfast and hopped in the car and they were about a 15 minute
drive to to their house. And to tell you the truth, I was
not at that point on the drive over.
I didn't have those butterflies anymore.
I was just, I felt just ready. Ready to meet him, we walked to
the front door and I didn't know what was going to happen.
I kind of envisioned like this big embrace, embracing hug.
And his wife answered the door, his wife Mary, and she gave us
all hugs. My new half sister Kelly, she
was also staying there. She was 31 at the time.
She came down the stairs, gave us hugs, but the whole time I'm
like, I really the person I'm looking forward to meeting the
most is my actual biological father.
So I'm like, where is he? Where is he like, great, I'll
give you guys hugs, but I want to know like I want a hug from
him. I wanted him.
I don't know. I don't know what I pictured in
my head. I pictured that, you know, like
a Hallmark movie, like you're my long, long got her right, right.
And so he came walking in in like the entry room and he said
a tall girl, that's all. That's what he said.
That's all he said. So I was like, OK, Then I walked
over to him and it was like a hug, like a acquaintance would
give a, an acquaintance hug. So it wasn't, I don't know.
I didn't. I expected a lot more in that
moment and it wasn't there. So I was like, OK.
And then Mary, his wife, said OK, let's eat.
So we just walked in like we were just neighbors walking in
to eat dinner with them. Or breakfast I guess I should
say. What were you thinking at that
point? It's kind of not what you
anticipated and you are. It was awkward.
Yeah, but I don't know what is normal.
There's no normal. There's no normal.
It was just awkward. And there's two new half
sisters. Kelly is the youngest one.
She was 31 at the time. And her older sister who was
younger than me still, she was 33.
She was also going to be there with her husband and her two
kids. But two days before we got on
the airplane to go visit, she texted me and said we got free
tickets to the Vikings game, so we're not going to be able to
make it. And I've I've never met her
before. She was the one that was didn't
really warm up to me, that had always.
Been rude? Yeah.
Was she the old, the older one who was a little bit cooler?
OK. Yeah, so she cancelled on
meeting us, but her kids were there, so Carrie was not there.
Kelly, the younger one, was there.
OK, did your kids all get along? Yeah, they did.
The kids got along great. We all ate dinner together.
There was just a lot going on. I noticed my biological dad,
Jeff is his name. He kept looking at me.
So I would look at him and like kind of smile and then he would
look away right away. It was just kind of an awkward
interaction. And then Kelly, this half sister
and Mary just told a whole lot of stories at at breakfast, like
about Kelly's softball days. And then Jeff would talk about
like how amazing Kelly was at softball.
And I felt like nobody asked me any questions about me and they
didn't know that much about me at the time.
So I don't know, I just felt kind of put off by it and I
didn't want to know anything else about.
I mean, I felt like I knew about everybody in the town after that
breakfast. And I was like, I don't care
about these people. I'm never going to remember.
After breakfast, Mary took all these Christmas cards off her
fridge door and was like, oh, these people, you're all related
to these people. This is John Jim, this is Holly.
This is like all these names and of people I will never remember.
These are your cousins. These are your just like like
I'm cramming for a test. Yeah.
And and I just kind of zoned out after a while because it was a
lot of information thrown, thrown at me.
It was mentally just a lot of stuff.
Too many people around, like the kids were distracting and like I
really just wanted a one-on-one time with my biological dad.
Did you get that at any point? He would pull my husband into
the living room and talk to him. So I was like, is he going to
ever talk to me? Like it was just like what I
like I say awkward. At one point I went down to the
basement with him and it was quiet down there.
Nobody was down there yet. And he is a big hunter, like he
was a PE teacher and a farmer and a huge hunter and fisherman.
He has a big safe filled with guns.
And he pulled this rifle out of the safe and he's like, let's
see if this is a good size rifle for you.
And like that was his, I think him reaching out and wanting to
bond with me, which I did not grow up hunting.
It was fine. I actually thought it was cute
because that's his thing, so. And that's what he did with his
daughter. So he was trying to pull you in
like you were saying. Yes, yes.
So I did. I thought it was really cute.
So I was like, oh, this is him, like having quality time.
And he's like, Yep, that's a good size for you.
And he's just wanting me to hold this rifle in their living room.
So it was funny. And I'll always remember that
that was because that was special to him.
That was the first day I met him.
And we left, we stayed at our microtel.
We came back three other days. It was just like, like I said, a
lot of people around. I didn't get a lot of one-on-one
time like I kind of had hoped for.
He also, I know I had mentioned before that he had dementia and
he's very hard of hearing. So it was difficult for him to
hear when kids were in the background especially, which is
why I kind of wished like the kids hadn't been, not that they
hadn't been there. But I, yeah, like I just wanted
a place where it was quiet so I could have talked to him more,
where he could hear me and understand me.
The last day we were there, we are all in the kitchen kind of
wrapping up before we left to fly home.
And he said in front of everybody, well, how's your mom
doing? And this is the first time he
had ever acknowledged my mom. And I said, well, we're not
really doing great. And he's like, well, health
wise, how is she doing? I said, well, she's doing well,
yeah, nothing to complain about. And he said, well, that's good.
And then he said, have you decided what you want to call me
yet? And I said, is there something
you want me to call you? And he said, I'm agreeable, OK.
I was like, oh, OK, So I didn't know.
Like he sounded like he was reaching out.
Like, are you going to call me Dad?
Which is like a thing we all kind of struggle with of like, I
don't, I don't know what to call you.
Yeah. Am I going to call you Jeff?
Dad, Yeah. And I had called him Jeff up to
this point. So I just said I don't know.
And we just left it at that. And then we are walking out the
door saying goodbyes and my whole family walks in front of
me. And then I walked out.
He actually walked out with me, which I didn't even realize.
He was like right behind me and I'm about to walk off that final
porch step walking to the car and he pulled me back and was
like we are forehead to forehead like our noses were almost
touching. And he said thank you for being
a good person. And I, I didn't expect him to do
any of that because he had been so non emotional in the entire
four days we had been with them. And I said, well, thank you for
not being a jerk. And then he said, no, I'm not a
jerk. And I was like, why did I say
that? It just came out.
Yeah. And then he hugged me, this big
long hug. And I felt like that was the hug
I was waiting for. And I think it had to be when
nobody else was around. So I I felt like that he needed
to know I was a normal person, decent person to begin with.
And then he just didn't want an audience probably.
And I felt like that's what I really needed was that was the
embrace. And then I actually pulled away
1st. And then he pulled me back again
and kept hugging. And then when I pulled away
again, I looked at him and I think, I don't know if I'm
making it up in my mind and I saw tears or if there were
really tears there. But in my in my head, there were
tears. Oh wow.
So then I felt like, OK, I do mean something to him, which I
felt like the whole first couple days there, he could care less.
It was like a neighbor visiting for dinner.
Yeah, so, and I mean, I'm sure not to make excuses for him, but
it's the shock of it all. And then here you are.
And then the dementia element as well probably factors in.
I'm so glad that you got that good long.
I'm your father. Recognition and acknowledgement.
Me too. That's what I really needed.
From that moment, I felt like like a calmness had come over
me. It was what I needed in this
whole process. Because, you know, that whole
first, I'd say year, you're in shock.
Oh, yeah, you're in absolute shock.
And that calmed my nerves. It made me feel better in so
many ways. And I fell at peace with
everything that had happened. What was your relationship like
after that visit? So we started talking probably
once a week, a week after I got back.
I actually, I've been thinking about it a lot and I like he, he
is my dad. I should call him dad.
It felt right. I don't have a dad figure in my
life, so it's not like I'm replacing a dad in my life.
So I felt like I was ready to call him dad.
And he goes, so I can tell people I have another daughter.
And I was like, yeah, and he goes, and I didn't even have to
change your diaper. And I said no.
But it was really my teenage years that would have caused you
a lot of problems. And he said, OK, well, I, I
locked myself out of the car, so I need to figure out how to get
back into it. And that's when I was like,
yeah, probably that's I am related to him because that's
something I would have done too. So.
Oh, wow. And do you still talk regularly?
Yeah. We go up there every summer.
The first summer, you know, it's so funny with COVID.
During that first visit that winter, we did end up meeting
Carrie and her husband Mark, I guess a day, I think it was day
three. And we spent a whole afternoon
with them. And then the next morning,
Carrie tested positive for COVID.
So I saw her that afternoon and then we didn't see them or the
kid, their kids anymore. Like she came and picked up her
kids. And then that next summer, I
planned a trip out there, just me and the kids.
And we are going to stay with them for the first time.
And we get there, we have a busy first day.
We go to the lake, We do all these things together.
And we had a really good time just getting to know each other.
And the kids were hanging out with, you know, their cousins.
And my youngest, she got a fever.
And I actually had COVID tests that I just threw in my bag just
in case. And I was like, I'll just test
her just in case because I don't want to be around them if we
have it. They had never gotten it and she
tested positive right away. Oh my gosh.
So that was our first day there. So I told Mary that night I was
like, we, you know, if you want us to leave, we'll leave.
And she said, yeah, you should probably leave.
But then also like, I'm not her daughter.
Maybe this is me being selfish and being just wanting something
that's not there. But I feel like for her own
kids, she would have been like, stay here.
I'll cook for you. I'll, you know, so I was kind of
like I, I kind of wanted her to be like, no, stay here.
We'll keep you guys in the bedroom and we'll make sure
you're OK. And then I got it, of course,
for my second time. So COVID happened and cut our
visit short. The next time we saw them, they
actually came out to Arizona for my son's bar mitzvah, which was
January of 2023. And I sent them the invitation
and immediately they said we probably won't be able to make
it. Mary told me the last time they
flew on an airplane was for their honeymoon in 1985 or
something like that, and they went to California.
So she's like, we probably won't make it to David's bar mitzvah.
I was like, OK, it's fine. I like wanted them to make an
effort, but I was like, it's fine.
And then all of a sudden I get an alert that they signed up to
come like online. Like they didn't even tell me.
And I was like, oh what? And so I texted her.
I was like, are you guys coming? And she's like, Yep, we're
coming. So all of them came.
Both. Sisters and everyone, and
they're like Carrie's husband and their two kids.
Like they all came, her kids. That was their first airplane
ride ever because they also live like they all live out in middle
of nowhere. They don't fly on airplanes,
they don't travel. It was pretty amazing.
It was just such a busy time because we had so many people
coming out of town from so many places.
But I made like the day before the bar mitzvah, I had them all
over at my house and made food and all this stuff.
So it was a lot of work, but it was worth it.
And they got to see where we live, and I don't know if
they'll ever come out again. So it was kind of exciting to
have them here and I know how much of a big deal that was.
So they've really opened up and allowed us in.
It's amazing that you are able to recognize that like that,
that that was a big deal for them to come out and and mean
something that they got clean and came to see you.
Wow. So did I know?
Did you see them this summer as well?
Yep. So then in the summer 2023, we
stayed out there. We stayed with them.
I can't believe it. I didn't even think ahead of
time. I was just like, we'll be here
from this state to this state. And Mary's like, you're going to
stay with us for a month? And I was like, yeah, I guess
so. Is that OK?
And she loved it. I think she's kind of lonely
because he has dementia. Like it's hard for him to have a
conversation. He needs help getting dressed
now. This has all changed so much
since I first met him. So I think she enjoys the
company and she really, I, I think she really likes being
with us all. That's like it gives her
something to do in the summer and she's retired since we first
met them, so she has her summers free.
So we stayed with them for almost a month and we just did a
lot of fun stuff all over together.
And I just keep thinking I want to create these memories with
them and I really do enjoy being part of the family.
It's hard because we didn't grow up together so I I sometimes
feel like I still have to be on my best behavior because I have
more to lose than the other sisters have to lose.
Like they could easily cut me out of their lives forever
because I don't agree with something or I'm not OK with
something they want to do. And the other sisters can act up
and say what they want, all they want, and they will always have
their parents there. Do you know what I mean by?
That totally there's. I have to be on my bad behavior.
Yeah, right. I have a different relationship.
I came in after and it's almost like I'm not the blood sister,
although I am blood. You are so.
Yeah. So that kind of goes into one of
the questions I had as a follow up.
When we last spoke, you were kind of struggling with the lost
time and you know, you mentioned how he was athletic and he
coached all their sports and he was super involved.
And you're like that too. And have you been able to kind
of come to terms with that or is that still something that you
think about? I do.
I did think about it a lot more than I do now.
I'm still like when I go to their house, their house is like
frozen in the 1990s. Every picture they ever took
with their kids from, you know, being born till senior pictures
are still covered. They cover the walls all over
their house. And when I stay there, I stay in
Carrie's old room that literally has been frozen in time as well.
Like it's the same as it was her senior year of high school.
So I see pictures of her everywhere and her and her
friends and her family pictures and her and her cousins, which
are my cousins and I'm not in any of them.
There's family pictures all over the walls.
And I the first time I stayed there, I had a really hard time
looking at them. And even my youngest, who was
nine at the time, she goes, Mom, you should really be in these
pictures. And I didn't say anything.
And I was like, I know, but they didn't know me.
And it like sometimes kills me inside because he still talks
about that. Oh, Kelly had the best arm.
And I want to be like. You should have seen me you.
Know, and I will never say that because it's not, it's really
not that important in the grand scheme of life.
Sure. So yeah, being in their house
reminds me that over and over and over again.
But now I'm at the point where I don't get these old stories from
him anymore because of the dementia, and I'm OK with that.
And I just want to move forward. That first year, though, all the
emotions of mad, angry, sad, like over and over and over, and
it's so cyclical. And I still get those.
I still get those feelings, but I'm just at a point where I just
want to move forward now and form new memories together.
Carrie has actually come around. It wasn't until this last
summer, so we just got back from there a couple weeks ago and we
just stayed with them a week this year.
And Carrie has grown on me, the sister that I never thought
would have grown on me. Yeah, sometimes it takes.
Time. Actually, it takes time.
And Kelly, the other sister, told me that she had never seen
their dad cry until he had to tell Carrie that I was actually
his daughter as well, which made me really upset to learn.
Like my pure existence made her that upset and him as well to
tell her that she went from that, that was 2021 to now.
We get along. We actually have fun together.
I'm actually a lot more like her than I ever thought I was.
Like, I never thought I'd have any sort of relationship with
her, but I just gave her time and I didn't push it.
I'm like, if she doesn't want me in her life, I'm not going to be
in her life. It's not something I need.
But she came around slowly and I really like her husband.
He's super nice and their kids and our kids get along really
well. So it's all worked out and it's
all a developing story. Yeah, yeah.
It will forever for sure forever be a.
Developing story. Mm Hmm.
Last time we talked you had not yet told your birth certificate.
Dad he had right texted you back, he didn't call you and you
just left it. Have you talked to him and told
him since? Yeah, just a little recap.
He had reached out to me and I was going up there in October
before I got COVID and said I'd like to meet with you.
And he said, serious, huh? And that's literally like his
text. Serious, huh?
Question mark. And I said yes, and he never
responded. And Fast forward till Saint
Patrick's Day 20. Oh, it was the day of the Taylor
Swift concert in Phoenix. What day was that?
It was last summer, so 2023, so we're talking two years.
Yeah, almost a full 2 years, he said Happy Saint Patty's Day.
You're half Irish, which makes my grandkids 25%.
So he clearly still doesn't know because I've told like his
brother knows I'm close with his brother, my uncle and they have
three kids, my cousins that I'm actually not related to, but
I've grown up with them and they don't talk like my bylaw or
birth certificate. Dad has really cut all of his
family out of his life, so he doesn't even talk to them
anymore. And so I just wrote back, Happy
Saint Patty's Day. That's all I wrote and and then
he never wrote back and my birthday was a couple days after
that and he didn't even reach out like he hasn't since I was
13. He hasn't wished me a happy
birthday. So it was nothing new.
He is just one of those dads that when it's convenient for
him, he'll show up. But I don't bank on it.
And at this point he has. I don't feel like he deserves to
know because he's not even in my life.
And even if I could have told, I could have had cancer, like I
could have been dying and he just ghosted me.
So I'm like, you know what? That shows me that I don't even
need to tell him. That's a great point.
He didn't know what you were texting about and didn't show up
so. No, yeah, I tried.
I tried to tell him and he didn't.
He ignored me. I'm kind of done with with that
whole situation. My sister I grew up with who
that is her biological dad. She keeps telling me I need to
tell him and I just tell her. He won't even give me the time
of day. Even if I wanted to tell him, I
don't even know how I would unless I just send in a text
message and I'm not going to do that.
I would never tell that to anyone over text.
Even though he's so separated from me, I think it it was still
be a crappy way to do it. How are things going with your
mom? I think when we last spoke,
things were kind of getting better.
She had finally sort of acknowledged it a little bit.
So where are you at now? We keep it pretty separate.
I didn't talk to her for the whole month after I found out.
Then it was sporadic and I just reached out to her when I wanted
information because I wasn't getting any information from the
family at that point. Now I just live my life.
I go see who I want to see and I don't really talk to her about
it. It's just like an unspoken thing
between us. It makes her feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes I'll say like, she'll be like, where are you going
when you come? And I'll say, oh, I'm going to
the, the cabin with family and she'll say, oh, whose cabin?
Or ask me questions. And she'll be like, OK, and
she'll just drop it. Her husband, on the other hand,
he's like so inquisitive. Like he wants to know so many
things. He's really into the nature
versus nurture thing. And that kind of bothers me a
little bit. It's like it feels nosy and it's
like feels like a science experiment at that point when
he's like, so do you have more things in common with those
sisters or this sister? And oh, I'm just so interested
in the nature versus nurture and I'm just like, but this is my
real life, you know, I don't I, it makes it feel like a science
experiment and I don't like that I.
Was just going to say that experiment, yeah.
Right. There's real feelings involved
by so many. It affects so many people, it
does. Yeah.
So that's where we are with my mom.
So she'll hear more when her husband asks me questions and
she's around and I know she wants to know everything, but
she's acts like she doesn't. So it's just kind of awkward for
both of us. And it's it's kind of like I'm
in two very separate families and I'm since my parents that I
grew up with divorced. I was kind of used to keeping
them compartmentalized where, you know, I wouldn't talk about
what I did with this family, with this family.
And then my birth certificate dad, like, you know, left and I
so I didn't see him anymore. So then I was just with my mom.
But now it's like I'm back to this.
It's sometimes hard to go from one family to the next in my
head. And it's like a mind shift.
Like I'm with this family and I don't talk about my mom and then
I go to this family and then I don't talk about my dad and.
Just completely compartmentalized, yeah.
Yeah, but I told my kids like they talk about it freely and I
want them to. I don't want them to have to
think like they can't. So they're now they call them
grandma and grandpa. And that kind of took a couple
years for my older kids. My youngest one right away she
was like, oh, grandma and grandpa.
OK. Like it just clicked.
My older 2 are like Mary Jeff. And now this summer for the
first time, I heard them say grandma and grandpa.
And so it's just all new, but it's getting more familiar.
I'm reflecting you're the third person I've spoken to now with
an update Kind of where we all seem to land and it's like
there's this element of acceptance around the distance
that's just always going to be there on both sides.
We're never going to talk about it with our moms in depth and we
building these relationships, but we also kind of have to
accept that the lost time is lost.
There may not be the depth of connection that you have with
someone that you grow up with. And it's really interesting.
And I, I was just reflecting that like, I don't think a lot
of people are talking about this part of it.
We all talk about when it first happens.
We don't talk about it two years later, five years later,
whatever, right? I think people that don't
experience it think of this fairy tale or soap opera where
you meet your dad and then he's your dad.
He does these dad things with you.
Well, I haven't really had a dad since I'm 13, so I don't even
really know what that feels like, to tell you the truth.
But I, I feel like at this point I don't need a dad.
I'll call, but it sometimes is a month before I call because I
have 3 kids and I'm busy and I'm running here and there and doing
things and Mary's like, haven't heard from you in a while.
Her kids she talks to almost she talks to almost every day.
You don't know how to fit into a family you've never belonged to
before. Like we're new, we're just being
inserted into this brand new family and we grew up
differently. We grew up with different
parents even. We grew up in different towns,
cities, states. We had different life
experiences. I went to college at a big giant
school in Colorado, outside of Minnesota, and I lived in Spain
and I traveled the world. And I don't think they've ever
left the United States. We're so different and we're
trying to blend and it's working the best it can.
And am I correct that you are different religion and
everything from them because you mentioned your son had a bar
mitzvah and. Yeah, I'm Jewish.
They're Christian. Small town Christian.
Yeah, yeah. Different.
Definitely different. And we don't eat pork and we
don't eat shellfish. We keep kosher to a certain
degree. And they'll like want to pray
before dinner and in Jesus name. And we're just like, OK, which
is fine. Like pray away and we'll sit
there no problem. But like, I'll pray to God all
day long and it's fine. So it's just the differences.
We're family, but we're so different still.
It's just a lot to try to fit into a family, conform almost,
but I'm never going to conform. It's just, we're just very
different. But it's been nice.
It's been really nice to get to know them.
I'm glad that we now have this summer tradition where we go
there every summer and see them. My kids will remember that.
I wanted my kids to know where and who they come from, just
like I needed to know where I came from.
And now I have that one huge thing.
My second summer going there, my dad, dad.
Now I'm talking about my biological dad, Jeff, his best
friend since they were kids. His name is Barry.
Mary told me that Barry really wanted to meet us.
We met Barry. He's a farmer.
I've heard of Barry my whole life because my mom also knew
Barry. And we got drive out to Barry's
farm. He has thousands of acres of
land. And we got to his farm.
We had to drive all around this farm to find him.
And we finally find him and we meet him.
It was all great. And he said to me, he's like,
come in my car. Do you want your kids and your
husband to come too? Or do they want to drive
separate? And I was like, oh, I'll go get
them. They can come in your truck too.
And then he just shut the door and started driving.
So I couldn't even like, get out of the car.
And I was like, Oh my gosh, where are we going?
So I have my cell phone. I'm texting my husband.
I was like, just follow us. Like, I just met this guy.
It was just me and him in his truck.
And he said, Crystal, if there's anything you want to know, ask
me now while we're alone. And I was like, so take it like
taken off guard by this. I was like, so did you know my
mom? And he said, Yep, I've known
your mom her whole life. I've known your dad his whole
life. He said the hardest day your dad
has ever had in his life was the day that your mom married your
dad. Like my birth certificate dad,
He said. I went to that wedding with your
biological dad and held his hand as he cried as your mom walked
down the aisle. Yeah.
So that felt weirdly. And I would never share.
I never shared that with Mary ever, because I don't think
that's something she knows or will ever know, but I felt like
I was almost validated in a way. That.
Because there was, they knew each other their whole lives and
I was like a piece of both of them.
I don't know. It felt like I can't even
explain it. That I hear from the people that
I interview as there's a lot of feelings around feeling like
they weren't conceived out of love or a relationship that
meant something to both of their parents and found out that it
did. It did mean something.
Yeah, I didn't know knowing that would make me feel so good, but
it really did. So I was like, wow, like they
really wanted to be together. And then Barry kept talking and
he said when they were seniors in high school, your mom said,
Jeff, let's get married and we can take over the newspaper.
His Jeff, my dad, biological dad's parents had a newspaper,
the town newspaper. So we can take over the
newspaper business from your parents and we can stay in this
town forever. And and he said, no, I'm going
to college. We can't do that yet.
And they did date in college at the beginning.
And then my mom met my birth certificate.
Dad had my sister, and I came along five years after that.
So she clearly had an affair with him after she was married.
Yeah. Yeah.
And had a child already. So yeah, it was just very
validating to hear that. So I was so happy to meet Barry.
And he knows that his best friend has dementia, my dad.
And he has reached out to me. He calls me, he tells my
husband, thanks for taking care of Crystal.
And it's just really sweet. It can be like a lonely process
to have even this far down the road.
It's still something you think about it as I'm sure you can
relate to. You think about it all the time.
And it can be kind of lonely sometimes because you can't stop
thinking about that even now. And it's just something that's
part of you, something you had to learn to adapt to and.
Will always be a part of your story to kind of heal from
everything and process everything I had gone through,
had been going through. I wrote a book and I let me see
I have it sitting here because I wanted to remember all the
feelings I felt when I first found out.
And it's single spaced 80 pages and like size 11 font.
When I look at I'm like, I can't believe I wrote this many words,
but it it was. So healing, is it up to right?
Is it for sale or anything or is it just for you?
No, no, it's really just for me and I've some of my close
friends have read it. My husband read it.
He was the first one to read it. And it's so nerve wracking to
have the person closest to you read your thoughts and your like
everything that was going on in my head is crazy as I felt like
I was like to have him know like, Yep, that's your crazy
wife. But he couldn't put it down.
He stayed up all night reading it and he's not a reader either.
And he's like, this was so good, I couldn't put it down.
He's like, you could make a movie out of your life.
Like that's not necessarily a good thing.
I had a playlist that I made over that first probably six
months of all the songs that I could relate to that I listened
to over and over. That calmed me down.
And I have my whole playlist in it.
And so I eventually thought it would be helpful to have for
other people going through it. I don't think I'm ready to
release it or anything quite yet.
The day after I found out, I spent the entire next day
sitting at the computer and writing out everything, every
detail of what happened because I never wanted to forget it.
So that's how it started. And then every day I kept
writing and I would write another, you know, 10 pages.
And and it's not all emotions and feelings, but it's in a lot
of it is flashbacks to when I remembered things in my
childhood that could have been a giveaway.
Like, you know, everything comes back to you.
Like, Oh my gosh, I remember my mom talking about this boyfriend
she had and named Jeff. Like all these things came back.
That's so great that you documented all of that, and if
you do ever end up releasing it, please let me know and I'll be
sure to share it 'cause I just think the more resources that
are out there for people, the better.
Right. Well, that's what my husband was
like. This could help so many people
going through this. And there's people finding out
every day. And it is so hard because like
you said, there are no resources.
Like your podcast, for example, this podcast wasn't around when
I found out, but that would have been where I would have listened
to other people's stories because you feel so alone, like,
has this happened to anybody else?
And then you find that Facebook group and he's like, Oh my gosh,
there's a whole Facebook group full of people that have had DNA
surprises. At first, the only people I
could relate to were people that were adopted.
But we're still we have a different story completely.
It's it is different. I mean, there's definitely
overlap. There's intersection with the
adoption community. But you're right, that element
of shock and some adoptees have it when they take a test or
they're late discovery, but the the shock is acute and it is a
unique experience for sure. Yeah, because you also have the
betrayal of who kept the secret from you when it comes from the
closest person to you as a child, your mother, and knowing
they've lied to your entire life.
Like, that's a whole nother trauma in itself.
And a lot of things I wrote about, like my mom has a big
part of this. And I've found out through this
process that she is a narcissist.
And I didn't recognize it before, but she even told my
husband not that long ago that I I'm just really sensitive.
It's me. I'm the problem.
I don't think she will ever recognize being the the person
in the wrong in this whole situation.
And I've come to terms with that and that's.
That radical acceptance, it's we have to have it to move through,
we have to. Yeah, or you don't move on and
that writing this like you can tell from the beginning my wry
motion and how I've come to terms with it at the end.
So it was seriously like a year writing because I didn't work
for a long time, because I just couldn't.
I was just a shell of a person. I wasn't working.
I was writing. I was writing this novel.
You weren't working, but you were doing the work.
Yeah, right, right. And I felt like if I hadn't ever
put in that work that I went to bend this to this stage of the
process yet. So I feel really good about
where I've come. And I think a lot of that is
because I, I did this, I wrote it all down and it felt so good
coming out. That's great advice for anyone
listening to Write it down. Write how you feel, tell your
story. If you could tell Crystal of 2
1/2 years ago anything, what would you tell her knowing what
you know now? Well, I listened to the first
podcast because I couldn't remember what we had even talked
about it, it had been so long and I almost teared up at
certain parts because I'm going to tear up now actually.
It was so raw and no matter how many times you tell the story,
it really, it's a lot to go through.
But that being said, after that first year, the first year is
it's a lot. It's rough there, especially
that first six months. There are more bad days than
good days. You go into so many different
modes, like stalker mode, like looking for pictures, do you see
resemblances? There's just so much you go
through that nobody else understands unless they have
gone through it. And I'd say after that first
year you make it out of that like tunnel vision of always it
consuming you at all times. So I would say make it through
that year and you will have good vision again.
I feel like a lucky one, one of the lucky ones that actually
gets to have a relationship. But like all families, it's not
all perfect and it's not all roses every day.
And like I started touching on like it's, it can be lonely
sometimes because nobody else that I hang out with in my daily
activities, nobody else knows what is consuming my brain
sometimes. And sometimes it just it, it
does. I just start thinking about
everything I've been through And even like I said, listening to
my podcast of 2 1/2 years ago, I'm like, wow, I went through so
much. But like I said, it is a part of
me. It's a part of my story.
It makes me who I am. And I now know where I came from
and my kids know where they came from.
So I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I found out.
That's a question I get from some from some people.
Do you think you would do that DNA test again?
Absolutely. Everyone deserves to know where
they came from, yes, and nobody deserves to be lied to about it.
No. So what would I say to myself?
You're going to go through a lot, but at the end you're going
to find clarity. Thank you for sharing that,
Crystal. Thank you so much for coming
back on the podcast. And I, I just really want to
thank you. You were one of the first people
that I spoke to after my own DNA surprise.
And when I put out this call in a Facebook group saying, hey,
I'm going to start a podcast. Would anybody talk to me?
You signed up not knowing what this would turn into or who I
was or anything about me. And and you put trust in me with
your story and to put it out there.
And I just can't thank you enough.
And my July NPE twin, I'm right there along with you.
So thank you. Of course.
Thanks again to Crystal for sharing an update with us.
If you have Adna surprise that you'd like to share, please
submit your story at dnasurprises.com.
And remember, you can join me over on Patreon for early access
to adfreeepisodes@patreon.com/DNA
Surprises. Until next time.
This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced, and edited
by me, Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.