I feel like I got the best of both worlds because there's some
genetic things that my dad has passed on with when Alzheimer
gene and things like that, that have made some difficulty and
just some genetic things that have passed on from his side of
the family, neurologic things that I don't have any of.
And from what I have heard about my biological father, he had a
really bad alcohol problem. And which interestingly enough,
it looks like when I look at my genetics, I have the genetics
for it, but I never developed it at all.
I feel like I got the best of both worlds because I feel like
my dad was such a great dad. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a
podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA
discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.
In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out
that I'm an NPEA person who has experienced a non paternal
event. In other words, my biological
father isn't who I thought he was.
Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and
donor conceived people and their families.
Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin
with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises.
DNA surprises bring up a range of emotions, and if there's one
thing I hope I've made clear on this show by now, it's that all
of these emotions are valid. In this week's episode, Joan
shares why her DNA surprise was more of an interesting adventure
than a dramatic event. Her story is one of optimism,
curiosity, and patience. It took her a decade to solve
her mystery, and many questions remain unanswered.
She discusses how she uncovered the truth and why she ultimately
feels like her DNA surprise revealed that she had the best
of both worlds. Thank you for sharing your
story, Joan. My name is Joan, I'm 75 years
old and I lived in Encinitas, CA I think probably in my late 50s.
My brother wanted me to meet with my uncle and they said that
my father was not my father. And I was a little bit floored
then. You know, I was in my 50s, I
wasn't quite as self assured as I was later and I was a little
disturbed by it. And my father was a long gone
and and my uncle said this came up during my father and mother's
divorce. So my brother decided to do DNA
with me. But this is before they really
had 23andMe or anything else and I'm not sure whether they had
partial something or what he was doing but we came back as full
siblings. So I went OK story ended and I
remember thinking Oh my mom probably told him that to make
him feel bad or or maybe she did that early on who knows.
I've always felt like odd man out.
Why did he approach you? Was it just like out of the blue
that he reached out to you and wanted to do this?
My uncle wanted to do it because he was probably the only person
that had this information and he was pretty much terminally ill
at that point and felt like he did not want to take it with
him. So he told my brother and my
brother said, well, I think Joan would want to know this.
So we did that and then it was just put to rest as far as I was
concerned, you know, there was no such thing.
So then 23andMe came out and pretty early on, my sister, my
younger sister said, oh, look at this, because we're total geeks
about anything. Anything you can geek out about,
we geek out about it. So she's going, this will be
great. So she did it and you know,
we're going to find out all these health things and health
issues. And she got the results.
And then I got a call and I was at work and I even looked at
them kind of briefly, but not too thoroughly.
And she goes, have you looked at our relationship?
And I said, what? And she says they have you as a
first cousin or a half sibling. And I'm going, well, that's
wrong. You know, I've already gone
through this. You know, that's a complete
wrong thing. I mean, I went so far as writing
to 23andMe and asking how this could happen, all kinds of
things. But then I realized, no, this
isn't wrong. And then we had a two or three
other family members. I'm a from a family of six kids
and I'm I'm the 4th of 6th so it seems like any of the ones that
did the DNA were all full siblings except for me.
OK. And when was this?
I was probably, you know, in 60 or so.
OK. And so, yeah, it was about 15
years ago. It seemed pretty obvious at that
point that that was what was going on.
How I? Feel when you realize.
You know what? I, I, I honestly, you know, I
told you I'm kind of a real geek and I felt so secure in my own
skin and with my own family that I've, I've, I've always been an
oddball in my family, but my family is kind of a bunch of
oddballs, you know, So we just all get along.
We're all very different. And it didn't make me think one
way or another. I remember thinking, mom, you
know, I wonder what you were up to.
But my dad had been like a jazz musician.
And, you know, I think, I think things were maybe a little bit
looser than than some, but nothing we ever would have known
about or suspected. You know, I mean, we had a a
stable family unit, but my mom had passed, so there was nobody
to ask. I asked the only remainder in
the that part of the family that might know anything was my
mother's sister. And they never got along.
And, and her response was, well, that doesn't surprise me, that
floozy. I went, OK, I said I was looking
for a little more information. But she was they had a real, not
not a real close relationship. They were real competitive and
certain things so. So that did not surprise me that
much. I remember she said, she said
your mother could have gotten APHD and flirting.
My mom was, yeah, no answers came from her.
So there just really weren't any.
So I started first with 23andMe and I mean, I was just going
through, they did not have a whole lot of information at the
time, the amount of what I was going through, trying to figure
out which side people would be related from things that are
easier now, we're not accessible then.
So I was comparing things with my other siblings, like if they
didn't show up with them, maybe it was from my father's side and
then I would look similarities. And I did finally get somebody
that was, I think it was second cousin once removed or
something. And so we started trying to
figure things out from there. And she was actually a
geneticist, so it was kind of handy.
And she, oh, she just loved it, you know, And she was trying,
she got her dad to do DNA and. Well that's that's pretty lucky
to match with a geneticist. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty handy.
And then, but she, she was off getting her PhD and so she
didn't have a whole lot of time to work on.
And it was just kind of a curiosity for a while.
And then my, my younger sister said, get on ancestry because
you know, 23andMe, there are a lot of people you might be
contacting that aren't really into ancestry.
They were here for help. So I got an ancestry and I just
started doing these endless trying to figure out who was
related and where and finding and just went all the way into
it. And finally I got an answer.
I don't know, after probably a couple years of trying from
somebody that was, I think they had her as a second cousin, but
I think she was a first cousin once removed in in real life.
And she said, well, I can get you in touch with my mom.
She does all this kind of stuff and she's been up to Ireland to
do this and why don't you write her?
So I wrote her and I said, I'm not sure exactly which family
I'm related to, but I'm narrowing it down.
And I think it's there. And I've gone through family
members that I didn't think it could be, you know, and she
goes, well, could be Uncle Jimmy sounds like Uncle Jimmy.
So I went, OK, I've got a name here.
I've got some information. I should go a little bit farther
back that when my parents were divorced, they were going
through this giant fight. And my parents didn't ever
really fight like that or anything, but I, it was the
night whatever hit the fan and this was a giant fight.
My dad was having an affair and he said something about, do you
think I didn't know about that state trooper?
I was like 14 or 15 at the time going, what's that about?
And my mom was saying something like, well, if you knew about
that, why didn't you say something?
It was just a horrendous fight, really bad.
I kept that in my head somewhere.
So as this woman was going, well, it sounds like, you know,
I said, did he happen to be a state trooper?
And she said yes, he was a state trooper.
Oh my gosh, and how old were you when your parents divorced?
Like, 15. That was information from 60
years ago that was significant to me at the time.
Don't ask me why. And I never even really thought
about it again until, you know, I started looking at these
things and I, you know, was like state trooper.
So then it was like, OK, this guy is in the right place, the
right time. The genetics look like it's
leading to him. Now what I need to do is find
out more. Well, she told me that he had
two daughters. She told me what she thought
were their names, but she had not seen them since they were
babies. The, and that he had been
divorced from their mother and he kind of lost track with the
family. So I had two first names and his
last name and 1st I was looking all over New York trying to find
these people. They, there was no DNA on them
anywhere. I looked all the bases.
There was nothing that was like that.
So I started looking through, through newspaper ads and all
kinds of things. And she said, I think they moved
to Florida. So once I got out of looking in
New York and went to Florida, I started going through newspaper
ads, anything with these names. And I found out that my dad and
his wife had a business there. And then I found something, an
ad in the newspaper from a teenage girl name, the same name
as what my sister's name would have been and the location and
and then a little bit later and notice of her going off to
college and whatever college she was going to.
And then I went into, you know, college yearbooks and all this
kind of stuff. Found something.
And then it flipped me into her younger sister who had kept her
maiden name in the middle and her married name.
So I knew this was the person. I also during the course of
everything had looked up his ex-wife and saw that she had
died in Arizona and whereabouts she was in Arizona and this girl
lived in Arizona. So I and I went maybe she has a
Facebook page. She did.
So I messaged her and said, are your parents, you know this
person, your mother and father? And if the answer is yes, I'll
let you know why. If you if the answer is yes and
you don't know what, want to know why, that's OK too.
I won't bother you at all. And she said I got an answer
back like the next morning. Yes.
And I want to know why. So we, we got in touch and then
she, she was not as commutative as her older sister was, who was
really talkative. And we really got into it and
just, you know, just hit it off great.
And meanwhile, my whole family was pulling for me.
They're going like, oh, this is so exciting.
Like your your your siblings well.
Yeah, my, my siblings, my sisters were going, oh, we can
have a, a big sister day with two more sisters and bring them
in. So it, it really was, it was
kind of easy. And I think I wanted to talk to
you because I know it's not easy for some, for a lot of people
and because it was such a pleasant experience for me
within my own family. And I did meet them and we get
along great. And, you know, we'd like to
spend more time together, but it's kind of like I'm busy with
my own family and, you know, they're in different places.
My new found niece went off and visited my daughter in Spain and
stayed with her and they got along like they were long lost
sisters. And it's just, it's, it's been
overall just a really positive experience.
I think if I had found out maybe 10 years sooner, it would have
kind of shaken me to my core a little more.
But I was so kind of set and sure of my relationships and my
own family. There was nothing to be shaken,
you know, It was a, there were a few things.
My, my kids are all musicians and we always thought that came
from the grandpa, you know, my dad who was a musician.
And then they found out, oh, genetically they aren't even
related to him, you know? So that's so interesting.
And and you know, I've spoken to people who found out in their
60s and it was still really tough for them.
But you said you you always felt kind of different when your
brother first approached you with the potential, with this
idea that you were half siblings.
You seem to kind of have even took it in stride then.
Were you upset at first of the thought?
Yeah, I think, I think I was because I can remember looking
at myself in the mirror going, well, my mouth looks kind of
like his, you know, and looking at pictures going, no, I think
that must be wrong. I really wanted it to be wrong.
And I did have, I would say maybe a day when I absolutely
knew for sure where there was this certain, oh, you know what?
I'm like an only child. This man may have other
children. My mom had other children, but
I'm the only one that's this combination.
And, and there was a little bit of, of isolating feeling like
like genetic isolation, but not that I didn't feel like parts
part of the family or, or that, that that was anything.
And I, I'm kind of a really curious person.
So it almost when I mean it took me 10 years to get through all
this and find find out. Who they were?
I worked on it for 10 years. What how are you feeling for 10
years trying to figure this out? And I'm not trying to make this
a negative experience for you at all.
I'm just curious like what were your emotions as you're
navigating ten years of OK, I I know this much is true, but I
can't find the answer and you're still searching.
What was that like? I, I, you know, this is probably
going to make me sound like a little bit of an oddball, but
the challenge was exhilarating. It was like a puzzle that, you
know, I would work on it for a while and I would get on a run
and then it was like it went nowhere.
And I'd go, OK. And then it was like, OK, time,
time to get back to this. Let's see if there's something
else that's popped up, you know, And I always was looking at
Ancestry and always writing little things.
Maybe I had, maybe I was a little bit emotionally detached
and thinking of it as more of an adventure and an investigation
than than than the actual what I was doing.
But when I talked, I talked to one of my half sisters and we,
we talked frequently and it was just like, we just hit it off
just like that. And then she said, well, there's
a cousin that's I guess she was still in New York or somewhere
back East. And, and this was before we even
had the genetics done. I had genetic test sent to them
to be, to make sure, because I was thinking maybe there's some
unknown brother in that family that they don't know.
Maybe it wasn't this guy. And you know, there's another
state trooper out there somewhere that that's this.
But anyway, when when I talked to this other person who would
have been my cousin, we talked for a little while.
At first she was like maybe the first two or three minutes, she
was a little standoffish. Then we started talking and we
just had the same sense of humor.
And I said, well, I was a little, I was a little
apprehensive about asking, you know, them for genetic tests.
And and she goes, oh, don't be. She goes, but you don't need it.
I can tell you. Remember this family?
How did she know? She said just just the way we
communicated was just so easy, you know?
And she goes, you're, you're part of the family.
I can tell. Well, it's so wonderful.
So it sounds like your family really just grew from this and
now you have more people in your lives, and that's beautiful.
Yeah, it it really has worked out well for me.
I have not had as much time because I do have kind of a
large family and we're all getting older.
Things have popped up that have take my time that have kept me
away from investigating more. I had a trip planned and then,
you know, that had to be cancelled.
And as I say, they're in Arizona and there's no way I'll go there
during the summer. I'm here right now.
Stay. Definitely don't.
Where you are, I, I am not. I I was saying to my daughter,
I, you know, 'cause I got to find out I was half Irish and I
said, no wonder, you know. What did you think you were
before? But English, Dutch, German,
English, Dutch. Yeah, mostly English, Dutch and
German, all European, but maybe a tiny little bit of Irish.
But I'm like half Irish. And my family took a lot of
pride in my my father's, their father's family family, you
know, came over and they're founding and, you know, we're
kind of Puritans. And I was going like it so
doesn't fit with the way that just doesn't.
So when I found out, you know, I was more howdy.
Irish stock. Yeah, that, that, that feels a
little better. Yeah.
When you were younger and you felt like you didn't fit in, was
it kind of just one of those like funny things of like, I'm
just different from my family or, or was it something that
came up for you a lot? It wasn't, you know, because we
were all a little bit different. You know, I was, I was actually
quieter and a little more shy and, you know, I guess I really
did not look like them, but I never thought about that.
It was kind of a joke with the family that I was the milk man's
and they'd say to my mom and stuff all the time.
Well, and but I also was my mother's favorite.
You know, I was really a quiet, complacent child.
So I probably made it really easy on her and that made made
it a little easier. My my brothers and sisters are
kind of rowdy. Okay, do you think that your mom
knew? I don't know and I will never
know. You know, she must have
suspected. It's funny because my mom is
not. Well, at least we didn't know
that she had the ability to keep a secret because she was quite
outspoken about everything. And, you know, so it was like
everybody who knew mom could keep the secret.
You know, it's like, who knew this?
So whether you know she knew it was a possibility and she just
put it out of her mind whether she knew all along, It sounds
like she eventually must have said something to my dad maybe
during the divorce and. How was your relationship with
your dad? Did you feel like he treated you
differently or anything? No, not at all.
Not at all. He died when I was young, when I
was like 2022 or 23, but I just idolized him and.
That's amazing. I don't think I ever got treated
any differently at all, you know, so.
Yeah, what else have you been able to learn about your
biological father? Well, I could not learn a whole
lot from my new sisters because it's kind of odd, some of the
things I've learned like he stayed married for quite a while
to their mother. But I think he was, he was, he
was really good looking. I have to say.
He was a very good looking man. And he was a big partier and a
drinker. And I think that they spent very
little of their time actually married in the same place.
And one of my sisters told me, you know, they lived in Florida
and they had been told that he had to stay in New York to get
some kind of disability from an accident he was in.
But then they found out he really just lived a few blocks
away. She just didn't have anything to
do with him. So I think I think she was
strong willed and and she just wasn't going to put up with his.
But what I found out from, you know, the cousins and things is
he was, everybody loved him. We had a great personality.
He was outgoing and friendly. Maybe because he was a drinker,
I don't know. I became a nurse and I'm, and he
was a medic in the in the Marines and also ended up, you
know, from what I've heard, taking care of a lot of the
family going and taking care of people that were sick or
something in the family as they got older.
But personally, the daughters seemed particularly one of them
very turned off by the disappointment in his drinking.
I feel like I was really lucky to be spared, you know?
Absolutely. By that.
We hear from people who have had these DNA surprises and the what
ifs definitely can play right, where sometimes we think the
grass could have been greener, you know, if we'd been raised
with our biological fathers. But for you, it sounds like it
was really great that you were raised by the dad you were
raised with. My parents did have a pretty
rocky divorce and it became a little difficult during my teen
years, but my brothers and sisters are all tightly bonded.
And even with that, you know, my mom never said a bad word about
my dad. I feel like I just.
I got the best of both the worlds.
I hope I have time to spend more time with my sisters.
I met my niece and I don't know if she's still here or not.
My new found niece actually moved near where I live and we
met for, you know, one time. I don't know what it is.
We all seem to have the same sense of humor and little gift
of gab and. I love.
That as I say, it was, it was a puzzle to solve and, and I
solved it and you know, but the end I, I don't think I've gotten
the as much of the rewards of the end as I will because I
think those relationships are still budding.
I haven't met some of my other nieces but.
Yeah, One bit of insight you gave with your mom is you were
surprised that she could keep such a secret for so long.
If if she was right. Well, she kept the secret, I
guess, about the affair, but she did not perhaps didn't know that
you were his child. Has this experience given you a
new perspective on your mom or changed your feelings about your
mom in any way? I've had a lot of things that
have changed my feelings about my mother, but not in a negative
way. I think more in a positive way
as I've gotten older and realize she has six children.
And although I adored my dad and we thought of him as the
stability of the family, I'm not sure he was the best husband in
the world. I think he he was very much into
playing his music, working during the day, playing the
music at night, a little bit disappointed at at not having
the life he wanted to have. I just I think of her life, you
know, she grew up in the depression.
She was she's like a little firecracker Hummingbird of a, a
girl, you know, lots of energy and spunk.
She said what she thought she, you know, so, so as a young
child, it was like, oh, this is, you know, Oh my God, don't,
don't let her to APTA meeting, you know, don't, you know, like
she was not going to bake cookies and be the normal
stereotypical mom. But when I when I think of
certain things about her that I've learned to appreciate as
I've gotten older and realizing the challenges she had and what
she did with them and what she didn't do with them more than
what she did with them, like, oh, that could have gone so
wrong. And she ended up after divorcing
my dad, marrying just this wonderful.
I feel like I've got a blessed life, honestly, this wonderful
man. And he was much younger than she
was and he is still alive and he's like the treasure of the
family. You know, he's just the best
thing ever. So he was more of the
grandfather to my children growing up than my dad was
because he died when I was so young.
But what isn't that life hasn't had its challenges for sure.
You know, I've had bad marriages and you know, all that kind of
stuff, but I do feel like the DNA surprise was not one of
them. Yeah.
And I mean, I think it's beautiful that it's been a a
positive experience for you. I know you touched on this, that
you looked at it as a puzzle, but honestly, how are you able
to maintain patience for solving this mystery?
Well, you know, I had a lot of other things I had to do.
I was working, I had other things.
It was frustrating. Sometimes I, I would get very
frustrated when I would find a lead and then not hear back from
somebody you know, and, and have to go in a, a different
direction. And I did get frustrated with
the idea that maybe I never would find out.
And that was a little upsetting because I really did want to
find this out. But to be honest, there's not a
disappointment in what I found out.
But the idea that the puzzle was over with, it was almost like it
was almost like Christmas morning.
Oh, I loved all the gifts I got. But the anticipation and peeking
under the tree was, you know, so much it was even more exciting.
So yeah, that that's. Really.
That's so cool. I mean, you had.
I don't know you. Have such a positive outlook on
this experience and it sounds like you've had a lot of Silver
Linings to this. What's the best part of your DNA
surprise? I think the best part's yes yet
to come, you know, because I, I have, I have new relationships
that are budding. I have new adventures ahead.
When I met my sisters, we met at a restaurant, Mexican restaurant
down by me, and we went in at a normal dinner time.
And finally the place was closing and we had never
ordered. So we just were not done.
So the next night, my daughter came with me.
My daughter and I went down to their place and we just watched
TV and laughed and ate and joked around and stuff.
And so my niece said, you know, maybe, maybe we can do Part 2 in
Europe, you know, because my daughter lives between Spain and
England. And, you know, it's like, yeah,
maybe we can all take a trip or something and do something fun
like that. But I still have a couple of
other nieces I haven't met and a nephew.
I was kind of delighted to find out I was part Irish or half
Irish that somehow that seemed to to fit me more.
Maybe because I like green places of seashore and and I
don't like the heat or being out in the desert.
But it maybe would have been more reassuring to have somebody
that wasn't so troubled. You know, that I that I had a
little bit more of a maybe found a little bit more of who he was.
He did remarry and I think his wife had gotten Alzheimer's and
my one sister went to be with him when near the end of his
life. But I I don't really have a
complete picture of who he is, and what I have is not that
pleasant. I mean, it was enough that I was
kind of grateful he didn't raise me.
So kind of touching on the fact that you maybe don't have all of
the information about him and, you know, trying to kind of
paint a picture of who he was, maybe never fully understanding
what the nature of the relationship was between your
mom and him and kind of what was all going on around that.
How have you made peace? Or have you made peace with not
having all of the answers? Yeah, I, I don't know if I've,
if I've completely made peace with that.
Actually hearing that you think I didn't know about the state
trooper at least makes me think maybe it was an affair and not a
one night stand. But I don't even know that for
sure. Maybe it was some one night
stand that somebody knew about and told him.
I don't have peace in that. I wish there was somebody that
could come along and say, Oh yeah, or some pictures would
show up, but that I've not really made peace with.
I would like to know if they actually had some kind of a
relationship. If they did, I think quite
obviously my mother knew to stick with what what she had and
not give up her family and the security and, you know, the the
good father for more security. So maybe he was, you know, kind
of like a a lifetime boyfriend to keep her, you know, feel like
she was a little bit more because my dad was gone.
I don't know. But I wish I knew.
I wish I knew. I wish I had some history there.
And I don't think it's coming from anywhere.
You know, as I say, everybody's been gone for quite a long time.
And unless some pictures or something pop up magically, I
don't think I'll ever have an answer to any of that.
Yeah, that's something so many of us have to make peace with,
is even if we might, even though some people get a pretty big
picture of what happened, there's like always some nugget
or just some detail that it's like, I wish I knew what that
was. I do find that I always, and I
don't know if it's out of habit, you know, I'll look at long lost
family things and stuff, 'cause I want to see people find their
solution and get their, their questions answered.
Like I vicariously enjoy that, you know, like, but I don't
think that's going to happen for me.
But that's, you know, overall, there's a lot of things we never
know about in our life. It's true.
You know, it's really nice to hear someone have an overall
positive experience. One of my goals kind of as I'm
moving forward with the podcast is to show that range of
reaction. And while it can be really
difficult for some people, well, it's not for others, and that's
OK. So I appreciate you sharing
this. Yeah, I have heard you say that.
And, you know, as I say for a while, I'm going to.
This is not the way I feel about it.
And that's actually why I wanted to contribute because it was
like, OK, I think this is a different experience for me.
I think some of it is, you know, the family dynamics.
I had actually, the one sister said she had prayed for a new
friend and she's kind of religious and she goes and then
I popped up like it was an answer to a prayer because it
had only been the two of them and they didn't have as big of a
family situation as I did. And so I think they were just
very welcoming. I guess we'll see you see where
it goes from here. Exactly.
I'm very interested in your perspective because it has been
so wonderful for you. What advice do you have for a
parent who may be knowingly keeping adna surprise from their
child? I would advise against it.
I mean waiting to the right age maybe and or even even if it's
some something written in a will after they're gone if they don't
want to face it, because I think, as I said, not even
though I found this for the DNA and find found things.
There's a certain things like I would love to a bastard.
Did you actually have a relationship with this person?
Those types of things that will always kind of, you know, I'll
keep with me. I think knowingly.
It's pretty dishonest. And as I say, I don't know if my
mother knowingly did it. She had to knowingly know it was
a possibility. And then the fact that I was
kind of the oddball in the family and looked a little
different than everybody else and all those things.
She may have been in denial, but I think she she had to have
known there was a possibility. What advice do you have for
someone who has just uncovered Adna Surprise?
Well, you might need to be very patient if you really want to
find out. I feel like I was fortunate, but
I think you have to really take a look at yourself and know what
you're ready to find out, know that it could be a
disappointment, not put too many expectations on the end product.
I think I was kind of fortunate that I enjoyed the process and
then the end was like just a good surprise.
I think you have to be pretty honest with yourself about what
you're expecting out of it. Yeah, that's really good advice.
Joan, Thank you so much for coming on the podcast.
I just really appreciate you coming on and sharing this
different perspective, one that we don't often hear but is just
as valid. And I wish you so much
positivity moving forward as you continue building your
relationships. Thank you so much.
Thanks again to Joan for sharing her story.
If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please
submit your story at dnasurprises.com.
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Until next time. This episode of DNA Surprises
was hosted, produced and edited by me Alexis Ourselt.
It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording
Studios.