1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:04,280 We all have different ways to walk this journey. 2 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,920 And I think if you're like for me, I've heard a lot of the 3 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:10,040 stories and I really, they've been really, really helpful for 4 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:12,160 me. But one of the things is what's 5 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,040 been said a lot in the NP community is like, you have the 6 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,840 right to tell your story, which I agree with, but it would I 7 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:23,080 also feel like is someone who's kept it a secret for I think 8 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:27,400 it's, I think I kept it a secret for just over four years before 9 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:31,280 I finally told all my siblings. And that was after my dad passed 10 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:35,400 away. But although I agree with with 11 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:41,880 parts of that, for me, I also feel like if you do your journey 12 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:43,840 a little bit differently, that it's OK. 13 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:50,960 Because I always felt like, yes, it's important to to protect 14 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,480 yourself and in your story as sacred. 15 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:57,680 But at the same time, I also, I feel like different truths can 16 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:01,960 exist at the same time. It's not only an individual 17 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:06,320 healing, but it's also the way you tell your story. 18 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:12,120 It also can be either harmful or healing for the collective. 19 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:17,360 And that includes not only the NPE community, but for me, my 20 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:20,960 family, the way it comes out is really important to me. 21 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:26,000 And so that's why I've kept it to myself for so long, because 22 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,280 at the time when I found out, my dad was already elder. 23 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:33,160 And I just, I just knowing that the heartbreak that it caused 24 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:37,080 me, I just couldn't, I just couldn't hurt my dad. 25 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:42,480 Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the 26 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:45,160 world of unexpected DNA discoveries. 27 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:51,600 I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt. In July 2021, my life took a 28 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:56,520 surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who 29 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,320 has experienced a non paternal event. 30 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,880 In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he 31 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,880 was. Join me as we explore the 32 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:12,000 stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and donor conceived people and their 33 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,800 families. Get ready to unravel the 34 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,960 astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test. 35 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:25,520 This is DNA surprises. It's your story, you have the 36 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,080 right to tell it. This is something we hear a lot 37 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:32,840 in the DNA surprise community. I say it a lot myself. 38 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:37,360 In this week's episode, Ruby shares a unique perspective on 39 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:41,480 this philosophy. Ruby took her DNA test expecting 40 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,440 to learn more about her Mexican heritage and instead uncovered 41 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,200 1/2 sibling. She goes on to learn that her 42 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,320 biological father is different from the man who raised her. 43 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:55,400 Ruby reflects on her childhood suspicions, her complex 44 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:59,200 relationships with her parents, and navigating the new found 45 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,400 truth. She discusses the impact on her 46 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,960 mental health and how she plans to incorporate her experience 47 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,320 into her work as an artist. Thank you for sharing your 48 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,200 story, Ruby. My name is Ruby. 49 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:16,000 I'm 53 years old and I'm originally from Salt Lake City, 50 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:21,760 but currently I have been living in Sacramento for the past 10 or 51 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,240 11 years. Shortly after I moved to to 52 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,240 California, I went to get my teaching credential. 53 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,440 I'm a professional artist. A lot of the people in my cohort 54 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,320 more interested in their DNA and what mixes they had on all of 55 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:37,880 that. And so I decided, oh, I'm a 56 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,880 little bit curious too. Let me see. 57 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:41,920 Because I, I mean, I know why I'm Mexican. 58 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,080 I know you know where my family originates. 59 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,520 I got a lot of the stories from my dad's side of just through 60 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:50,920 oral storytelling from what I knew, I was Tewa Pueblo Apache 61 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,480 and Spanish. I thought, well, I'd like to 62 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:56,600 kind of see, you know, exactly what that breakdown is. 63 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,080 And so I, I took the DNA test and got it back. 64 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:04,320 I have a cousin who also does a lot of our genealogy on my dad's 65 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,400 side of the family. I was thinking that when I got 66 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:12,760 my results, I had much, it's almost half and half Spanish, 67 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:17,160 Spanish and half native, but then like a small percentage of 68 00:04:17,519 --> 00:04:20,680 different other areas, like mainly African countries. 69 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,360 And so I thought that was interesting. 70 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,800 But then I was looking for my cousin because I know that she 71 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:29,120 knew that she was on one of the DNA websites, but I didn't know 72 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,480 which one and I couldn't find her. 73 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:37,000 And so I was looking for other relatives and I saw a name. 74 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:40,960 It's a common name on my dad's side of the family. 75 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,560 And I thought, oh, yeah, there's a cousin. 76 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,160 But I thought it was, you know, from my dad's side. 77 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,240 I thought it was like one of my third cousins, but then I saw 78 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,960 some of my mom's relatives and then a bunch of people I didn't 79 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,520 know. But I know that like on my mom's 80 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,800 side of the family, I don't know all of her side of the family. 81 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,720 So I figured, oh, it's probably, they're probably distant 82 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:04,480 relatives that I don't really. I had I don't know yet. 83 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,240 You were not. You were not surprised by any of 84 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,240 your results. It all made sense to me. 85 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,920 I wasn't surprised. Almost a year later when I 86 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,040 started teaching, I got a message. 87 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,400 A relative popped up and said, do you know how we're related? 88 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,320 It says we're, we're highly related. 89 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:27,000 So I looked at it and it said, you know how to break down. 90 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:32,000 She's either a grandma, a niece or a half sibling. 91 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,720 And I thought, well, she was in my generation. 92 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,400 She was kind of my same age. I'm like, well, of course she's 93 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:42,320 not a niece and she can't be a, you know, so there's no way my 94 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,040 brother would have somebody that old. 95 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,000 So she can't be my brothers. So. 96 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:52,080 And I remember thinking, well, I know my dad used to have all 97 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,120 kinds of affairs on my mom when we were little. 98 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,840 So I thought, oh, it's probably one of my dad's probably a, a 99 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:02,800 daughter of my dad and she doesn't know it. 100 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:09,040 And so I called up my mom and I called up my dad and I said that 101 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:13,720 there would I got a match was from someone that could be my 102 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,640 half sister. Do you know, like, did dad get 103 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:20,040 anyone pregnant? And she's like, well, there was 104 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,720 someone who got pregnant by your dad, but he she had a 105 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,640 miscarriage. My dad didn't couldn't figure 106 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,880 out how either. How did you feel when you 107 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:35,640 thought that maybe your father had had another child outside of 108 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,680 the relationship? I wasn't really surprised 109 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,720 because there were a lot of affairs and, and actually it was 110 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:44,240 a little bit like kind of excited. 111 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,120 Maybe we have another sibling out there. 112 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:49,360 And so I called my sister up and I was telling her all about it. 113 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:54,240 And then while I was talking to her, I got another message and 114 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:58,800 the sibling said, well, I talked to my dad and my dad said he was 115 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:05,200 in Utah from 69 to 71 and I was born in 71. 116 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:11,120 So my heart just sank. And I told my sister, Oh my God. 117 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:14,200 Oh my God. And and I told her what she 118 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:15,760 said. And she's like, well, maybe 119 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,920 there's a a glitch, maybe it's a mistake. 120 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,080 And I was thinking, yeah, I think, I think maybe you're 121 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,680 right. Maybe I but let me call you 122 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,000 back. I'm going to call mom and see 123 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,080 what because I think it's probably a mistake. 124 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:31,280 And so I called my mom. I said, well, this person said 125 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:36,000 that her dad was in Utah from 69 to 71. 126 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,320 Are you sure? Like you didn't you? 127 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,520 I don't you didn't have an affair with on dad or Are you 128 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,920 sure? And she said, Oh no, no, you 129 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,840 know, he was always stepping out on me. 130 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:51,680 I was always home pregnant and because my mom had six kids 131 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:55,160 back-to-back and I'm like, but why did she say that? 132 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,640 Mom, Are you sure? Please just tell me. 133 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:01,960 Finally, she's just like, well, there was this one time, you 134 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,920 know how your dad's always cheating on me? 135 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:11,600 We separated and I met this guy from Mexico and my mom wanted me 136 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:15,400 to marry him. And he was really smart. 137 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,200 That's probably why you're so smart. 138 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:21,960 And he was a really nice guy. And but then I ended up just 139 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,040 getting back with your dad and she's like, I'd always just get 140 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,400 pregnant right away. So I just figured you were your 141 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:31,720 dad's. And so I just like fell apart. 142 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,640 I didn't really want to tell say anything to anyone because I was 143 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:39,039 really, I had a lot of things that I worked through with my 144 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:43,559 dad because as I was growing up, I always used to ask if I was 145 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:46,960 adopted, like why am I treated so differently? 146 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,360 Am I adopted? And my mom would say, of course 147 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,560 not, you're not adopted, don't be silly. 148 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,720 But then at the same time, my mom would always tease me and 149 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,960 say, your dad's actually from Mexico and and then I would 150 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,160 start crying and then everybody would tease me. 151 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,880 And then she like, no, just kidding, just kidding. 152 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:07,800 Your mom did hint at it or did think that maybe it was a 153 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,480 possibility. You did. 154 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:16,040 And then she used to when I was a child, that my grandma, her 155 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:20,320 mom, I used to hold me and say, oh, Borosita mejita, like my 156 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,920 poor little, my poor little dog, my poor little baby, my porks. 157 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,760 She'd say that I didn't really think about it. 158 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:31,000 But then when I found out I had this different biological dad, 159 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,360 it kind of clicked like, oh, my grandma knew. 160 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:39,400 My grandma must have known that she got pregnant by this other 161 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,880 guy. You said that growing up, you 162 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,960 speculated that you were adopted. 163 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,400 What? What was it like growing up and 164 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,040 was it something that was always at the forefront of your mind or 165 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,800 is it something that really came back once you got these test 166 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,720 results? It was always in the forefront 167 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:01,960 of my mind until I started healing my relationship with my 168 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:06,120 dad, which was when I was an adult because my dad left, he 169 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,680 left us when we were just children. 170 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:12,360 And, and because, I mean, it was very, there was, it was very 171 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,400 tumultuous relationship with between my mom and dad. 172 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,360 I know there's a lot of intergenerational trauma and 173 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,800 then there was a lot of intergenerational poverty. 174 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,800 So that comes a lot of, with that comes a lot of chaos, a lot 175 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:30,320 of a lot of things that like unhealed people like my dad and 176 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,120 my mom, they just, they weren't, they didn't have the luxury of 177 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,440 therapy. And he wasn't a very 178 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:41,560 affectionate person in general. You know, he could barely say I 179 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:45,440 love you or hug you. But because I was so close in 180 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:50,760 age with my younger sister, he really favored her a lot. 181 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,680 And he wasn't, he didn't favor my other siblings either. 182 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:57,040 He favored my younger sister. But I was like in a year and a 183 00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,520 half older than my younger younger sister. 184 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,960 We were the babies, but he always favored her. 185 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,760 So I always thought that he just didn't love me and I wasn't. 186 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,000 Maybe I just wasn't his daughter. 187 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:15,800 Yeah. So you got your results and you 188 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,560 did not. I was going to ask, did you tell 189 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,600 your dad after you talked to your mom? 190 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,600 No, I didn't. And he actually recently passed 191 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,960 away in February. And that's why I actually, I 192 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:32,560 wanted to tell my story because I kept it a secret for a long 193 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:37,840 time to protect him and protect my mom too, but mainly to 194 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:43,520 protect my dad and also kind of to protect myself as well. 195 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:48,160 Because I just after doing all that questioning whether he was 196 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:53,080 my actual, actual biological dad, I was, I was a little bit 197 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:57,880 afraid that he would not accept me as his daughter because I 198 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:03,400 always felt that way, you know, but I don't feel like he, he 199 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:07,840 would have done that. When I told my mom and she 200 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:13,000 admitted it, she also at the same time said, you know, don't 201 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,240 tell, don't tell anybody. People are going to think I'm a 202 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:19,920 whore. And, and I know my mom had told 203 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:24,120 that the story, the story all our lives that well, at least 204 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,760 we're all from the same man. And because my grandma had 205 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,000 children from different men, because she had different 206 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:35,600 marriages and my mom took pride in having us all from the same 207 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:39,480 man. But I think that's probably why 208 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,360 she kept this a secret. And also she's from a very 209 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:47,160 different generation. She's 84 now, so you know, she's 210 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:48,880 from a very different generation. 211 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,520 I don't feel angry about her for keeping that secret. 212 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,680 And in fact, I think if she would have told me sooner, it 213 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,440 would have been way too much for me. 214 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,600 And so I think timing the way it's happened for me, I feel 215 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,440 like it happened for a reason, so. 216 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:07,400 You talk to your mom, you get this clarification from her, and 217 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:11,400 you finally get the truth and she asks you to not tell anyone. 218 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:16,120 Do you tell anyone be aside from your mother? 219 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,280 Because I know you didn't tell your father. 220 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,720 Did you tell your sister? Anyone else? 221 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,120 No, my sister knew because she was finding out with me and so 222 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,520 she decided to keep her too. I did tell my best friends. 223 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:31,400 Of course I had to like share it with my friends. 224 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,960 And then because I live in California and a lot of people 225 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,720 don't know my family, I felt OK sharing it every now and then 226 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,680 when it came up with people. But when I was in Utah, I didn't 227 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:45,640 share it with anyone except for people that were closest to me. 228 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:50,280 And then about a year or two later, two of my newer sisters, 229 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,480 one moved to Washington. I'm at at the time my brother 230 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:59,440 lived in Washington state and they wanted me to go down there 231 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,920 and hang out with them. And I said, well, I can't really 232 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,640 go there and not say hi to my brother. 233 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,400 And I can't lie to him. So I'm just going to tell him. 234 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:11,040 He just like said, how are you keeping it together? 235 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,400 I could tell he was upset, but he doesn't, he doesn't really 236 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,560 show it, but I could tell he was and he was wondering how I was. 237 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:20,040 And he's like, well, do I say when he when we were talking 238 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,880 about our dad and he's like, do I say our dad or do I say my 239 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:24,400 dad? And I'm like, no, you say our 240 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,840 dad. He's still my dad. 241 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,960 That's awesome that that he was supportive. 242 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:35,920 I wanted to ask you, once you got clarification from your 243 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:39,960 sister and you mentioned you have two sisters now on on your 244 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:45,960 biological father's side, did you go back to her and say I got 245 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,760 the truth from my mom? Like what happened next on that 246 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,760 side? After she's just started telling 247 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:58,400 me stuff about him. Apparently he also was somebody 248 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:03,840 that had affairs too on his their mom and there were two 249 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:08,400 other brothers that outside their mom as well. 250 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,120 And so for her, it wasn't really that big of a surprise. 251 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,240 So I asked her, what do we do now? 252 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:20,000 What made me want to meet her was that she left everything up 253 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,720 to me and she was very sensitive about it. 254 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:27,480 She's like, well, it's really up to you if you want to meet or 255 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,000 not. I, I'm really guess we'll do 256 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:34,040 whatever you want to do. So I told her, OK, well let's, 257 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,000 let's meet. I would like to know more and I 258 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:41,200 pretty much, I think I expressed to her that I didn't really want 259 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:46,400 to meet her dad because at the time I felt loyal to my dad and 260 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,680 which I still kind of do. We just started spending more 261 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,920 time together and she started telling me stories and about 262 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,400 him. And I remember going to coffee 263 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,760 with her at one point and I put honey in my coffee and she asked 264 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:01,640 me, does anybody else in your family put honey or your 265 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,400 siblings or anybody put honey in their coffee? 266 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,440 And I thought about him like, no, I think just me. 267 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,120 And she's like, because my dad is the only one that does that. 268 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,960 Or she would say our dad. And then she's like, is there 269 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,960 anybody else in your family or any of your siblings artists 270 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:21,240 other than you? And I'm like no because my other 271 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:26,040 sister likes our like we all are into art and our dad really 272 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,560 loves art. How did it feel to get some of 273 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:34,080 that confirmation of maybe these traits that you were born with 274 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,720 and not something that you learned or developed on your? 275 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:41,760 Own it all started to make sense also the other thing was is that 276 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:46,600 I nobody in their family was it had any addiction problems. 277 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:51,200 I have two siblings that died from heroin and you know, my 278 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:55,560 other sisters now clean and sober from, from heroin and I 279 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,520 have another sister that's still struggling. 280 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:01,800 But then finding out that my biological dad's side of the 281 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,920 family, there was nothing like that. 282 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:09,119 I remember asking one of my new newer sisters, does he even want 283 00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:10,240 to meet me? Like does he? 284 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,920 You don't even, you don't mention whether he wants to meet 285 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:14,920 me or not. Like, does he even care? 286 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,520 I mean, because you don't say anything about it. 287 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,960 And she said, well, we were just waiting for you to be 288 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,400 comfortable because I he, he really does. 289 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:28,000 But we all, we told him to not reach out to you until you were 290 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:32,080 ready. So I ended up meeting him first 291 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,360 on Zoom and then I met him in person. 292 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,720 And then since then I've met him. 293 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:41,600 But he lives in Mexico too. He's very, very different from 294 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,800 the father I grew up around in the sense that he's very 295 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,880 nurturing. Like he wanted to hug me, he 296 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:51,960 wanted to talk with me, but there's a there is a language 297 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,840 barrier because my father's generation, they punished for 298 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:58,200 speaking Spanish. So he insisted to my mom that he 299 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,360 spoke to us. They speak to us only in 300 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,960 English. But with my biological dad, I 301 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,840 can speak some Spanish but I'm not 100% fluid. 302 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,520 So it was very difficult to ask him questions. 303 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,240 But I know one time he tried to call me, but we could barely 304 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,520 have a conversation. But one of the things that I did 305 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:21,720 find out is that he grew up really poor and that he pulled 306 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:24,920 himself out of it and that he ended up with his own business. 307 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,720 And they like they had their own house and they had they even had 308 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,120 cleaners. I probably, I used to go help my 309 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,320 mom clean people's houses. I probably would have been there 310 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,360 made, you know, when I was in high school. 311 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,200 And every time he would get jobs when he was young, they would 312 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,080 want to get make him a manager. Well, the same thing was with 313 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,280 me. I pulled my, I, I pulled myself 314 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:47,200 out of a lot of things too. And I when I was in high school, 315 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,800 they always wanted to make me manager. 316 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,080 He used to ride his bike everywhere. 317 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,000 He loved right? And he was very active and he 318 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:57,680 liked to explore and see things. And, and I used to, I've, I'm a 319 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:02,000 cyclist and I used to ride my bike exclusively for, for 10 320 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,640 years. I rode my bike exclusively 321 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:07,120 everywhere. And none of my family is that I 322 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,760 grew up around is anything like this. 323 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:14,320 I'm the only one with a passport in my family, my family that I 324 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,280 grow up around. I'm the only one that travels. 325 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,960 And then I, you know, I was always just growing up because I 326 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,120 did all these things outside the norm from my family. 327 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,640 I was always told, well, you're just different. 328 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,120 You're just not like us. You're just different, you know? 329 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:34,440 Yeah, it's, it's amazing how DNA works and these things that we 330 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,640 kind of wonder where did this come from? 331 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:41,280 Did come from somewhere. So you're navigating all of this 332 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:46,720 while also keeping it a secret. How did it feel to be learning 333 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:49,800 all of these new things about yourself and connecting with 334 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:54,480 your family? Wow, not disclosing to your 335 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,400 father and some of your other family members. 336 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,520 That's a good question. I felt, I really felt like I was 337 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,440 living 2 lives, like two. I was living in two different 338 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,480 worlds and I really wanted them to come together because my 339 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:11,240 family that I grew up with. I'm super close with, but 340 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,520 couldn't be, couldn't have lived in such a different experience 341 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,480 than the family that I just discovered. 342 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,840 I eventually did introduce my sister with my one of my new 343 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,520 sisters. And it's just, I don't know, 344 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:29,120 it's just there's just not any sort of bridge. 345 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,880 It's just feels like two different worlds that I'm 346 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,480 navigating, you know, that can never come together. 347 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,200 In some ways I kind of feel like, well, that's kind of the 348 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,120 life I've lived my whole life anyways. 349 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,320 How have you been navigating this? 350 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:48,120 You know, balancing the secrecy, but also just the the mental 351 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:51,280 health toll that adna surprise can take on someone. 352 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:52,920 I did. Seek out therapy. 353 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,800 When I found out again, because I hadn't had therapy for a 354 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,840 while, because I had worked out a lot of things through my 20s 355 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:04,800 and all I had to really navigate was my own were my own issues. 356 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:10,240 And so for me it was yeah, it was super hard. 357 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:14,360 And I still feel like sometimes alone on this journey because I 358 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,560 don't feel like anybody will really understand what this is 359 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,920 experiences is except for other NPS. 360 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:25,960 But I at least have my son's grown up, at least have the 361 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:31,400 luxury to be able to have get therapy and not have to worry 362 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,160 about taking care of children. And well, I mean, I'm a high 363 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,640 school teacher, but I, I can leave them at, you know, behind. 364 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,920 Sure. After work what? 365 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,600 Is what is next for you on your your journey? 366 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,920 I'd like to bring this into my work. 367 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:51,240 What usually happens through my work is it takes me a few years 368 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:56,360 to really grieve and process and then create about it. 369 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,960 That's what it does. And since my dad just recently 370 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:06,680 passed away and I was able to be free of the secret, so to speak, 371 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,920 I feel like it's time for me to start creating about it because 372 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:16,200 I didn't feel like I could without keeping it, you know, a 373 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:21,080 secret. And to be honest, I feel like 374 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:26,560 art has been my saving grace through my whole life. 375 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:29,680 It helped me through childhood, it helped me through adult, 376 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,840 young adulthood, and I think it's going to help me again 377 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,360 through this. Whole thing that's amazing. 378 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,720 How is your relationship with your mom now? 379 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,840 My mom's, my mom, like you know, it's good. 380 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:45,800 We had we had some hard times through the process, but we've 381 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,600 come to terms and I actually made her after my dad passed 382 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,840 away. I had found out that she had 383 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:56,840 told a few people and it was coming out and I started to feel 384 00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,760 like I do not want this to come out like gossip. 385 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:03,360 It's just not like no, this it's already I'm already feeling pain 386 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:09,240 from losing my father and then knowing that she's telling me to 387 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,400 keep it a secret, but she's telling people. 388 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:15,400 So I told her, you know what? You were going to tell the 389 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,200 story. You're going to either tell the 390 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,400 story with me. We're going to tell the family, 391 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,440 my immediate family, or are you going to I'm going to tell them 392 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,240 myself. She's like, no, no, no, don't 393 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,240 tell any. I didn't tell anybody. 394 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:30,920 I promised who and I'm like you did because it's come out to me. 395 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:37,600 And so I made her make a choice. You can tell it with me or I'm 396 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,560 going to tell people myself. Finally she agreed to tell us. 397 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:44,960 So we sat my nieces down and my, all my siblings and we, I just 398 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:49,160 told them and then they, some of my nieces had questions and, and 399 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,680 they're all like, you know, they said the typical things. 400 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:55,480 Well, none of this matters. You're still, you're, we love 401 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,560 you anyways. You're still our aunt or you're 402 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:03,240 still my sister, doesn't matter, you know, But other than that, 403 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,840 you know, it's been, it's been fine. 404 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:10,320 I did tell one cousin, I haven't had the really the bad emotional 405 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:15,000 bandwidth to sit, to call every single cousin yet because it's 406 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,760 just a lot. It's heavy, it's hard, you know 407 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:22,080 so, but I wanted to be able to tell people myself rather than 408 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:25,960 it come out from somebody else. Yeah, for sure. 409 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,960 What advice do you have for a parent who's keeping a DNA 410 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,400 surprise from their? Child, I know you asked this 411 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,960 question and I always feel like I wouldn't know how to answer 412 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,440 it. I know personally I wouldn't 413 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:42,320 keep this a secret from my child, just knowing how painful 414 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,320 it is. But then I think about the way I 415 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:50,240 grew up and I think the way it came out was when I was ready 416 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,600 and needed it to be. And I just feel like everybody 417 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,760 has a different context and experience of how they live. 418 00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,920 So I wouldn't want to assume that I know what would be best 419 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,920 for every parent. I would say mainly to take 420 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:08,040 everything into consideration and do what you either tell your 421 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:14,120 child out of love or tell them at the right time, whatever that 422 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:16,200 may be. Yeah, no, that's totally fair. 423 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:20,360 What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna 424 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:23,080 Surprise? I just want to give you a big 425 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,480 hug and tell you it's going to be OK eventually and you're not 426 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,720 alone. Look for resources, look for 427 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:32,720 podcasts like these because I don't really know a lot of 428 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:34,800 people personally who've gone through this. 429 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,200 Just surround yourself with people who understand because I 430 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,160 think that's what in the beginning, that's what really 431 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,480 got me through. I would say find your community 432 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,280 that supports you. Ruby, thank you so much for 433 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:49,160 coming on the podcast and sharing your story. 434 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:54,720 Like you said, everyone owns their story and they can tell it 435 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,120 how and when they want to. And I think that that's an 436 00:25:57,120 --> 00:26:00,200 important message to share. So thank you for being 437 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:03,680 vulnerable and sharing your story, and I hope that you 438 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,080 continue to learn more about yourself and make peace with 439 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,400 this experience. And I look forward to seeing 440 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:10,320 your art. Thank you. 441 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,520 Same to you. Thanks again to Ruby for sharing 442 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:16,480 her story. If you have Adna Surprise that 443 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,120 you'd like to share, please submit your story at 444 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:24,680 dnasurprises.com and remember to join me over on Patreon for AD 445 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:28,000 free listening, early access to episodes and more. 446 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:31,920 Learn more at patreon.com/DNA Surprises. 447 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:37,000 Until next time, this episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, 448 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,000 produced, and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt. 449 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:45,840 It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording 450 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:46,600 Studios.