It is such an emotional roller coaster, for lack of a better
phrase. I always think with every
rejection that like I get better at accepting it until the next
one comes and I'm like, Dang it. My husband tells me now like
manager expectations. Like anytime something happens,
he's like manager expectations. Like I'm trying and I think I'm
doing a good job at it until, you know, until something
happens. And then it's just a little bit.
It's a little bit heartbreaking. We're always told like our moms
are supposed to be the people that love us the most and would
do anything for us. And I clearly don't have that
because my mom can't even be honest with me.
So to expect anything more from strangers, this is kind of crazy
to me. But somehow, even as even as I
always say I'm a pessimist, I'm clearly not because I'm always
so optimistic that somebody's going to help.
Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the
world of unexpected DNA discoveries.
I'm your host, Alexis ourselves. In July 2021, my life took a
surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who
has experienced a non paternal event.
In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he
was. Join me as we explore the
stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their
families. Get ready to unravel the
astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.
This is DNA surprises. Imagine uncovering your DNA
surprise, experiencing the shock and devastation that comes with
it, and then learning that the surprise wasn't a total surprise
after all. Earlier this season, we heard a
story like this, and in this week's episode, you'll hear
another. When Tamara confronted her mom
about her DNA surprise, she was shocked to learn that they'd
already discussed it when she was younger.
For some reason, the memory didn't stick with her, and when
she learned the truth, it came back to her.
Yet, she still had to contend with this revelation as though
she was hearing it for the first time.
Tamara details her search for her biological father after
being given incorrect information and facing
roadblocks from her found family.
Just before we recorded our interview, she got a surprise
that gave her the answers she was looking for.
Thank you for sharing your story, Tamara.
My name is Tamara, I am 49 years old and I live in Redlands, CA.
My surprise is like a lot that I've heard on Black Friday.
In 2022, my family and I decided to go ahead and purchase
ancestry kits for myself, my husband, and our two kids.
Our son had been wanting to do it for like a few years, but it
is so expensive that we just never did, and we saw a great
sale on Black Friday, so we went ahead and did it.
So we took them in January and sent our results off in January
2023. And when my results came back in
February, I saw like some matches and I knew like some
maternal names. But my parents have been
divorced since I was five years old.
I was born in Texas originally. When I was 5, my parents got
divorced and my mom moved my sister and I back to her
hometown in California. I didn't see my dad a lot.
I call my dad my dad because that's what he is.
And so I didn't know a lot about his family.
So when I didn't see his name or his like his surname or
whatever, like I didn't think a big deal.
I didn't think anybody in his family would take it.
And I didn't really know a lot of surname.
But I started putting my family tree together anyways and I got
stuck and I got into denial real quick about what the possibility
of what's happening, what's happening.
I, I got to a great grandmother and I did what people do and I
was like, I think maybe this person like had a kid and gave
it up for adoption or something. And that's why this other
surname is so prominent in my DNA matches.
Kind of starting to do the like mental gymnastics to make it
make sense. Big time.
So I was like, you know what, I'm going to go to the source.
I'm going to reach out to my dad and ask him like, hey, is there
anything weird? Like did your grandma or great
grandma give a kid up for adoption that you know about?
And you know, he's older, right? He didn't text me back.
He called me when he called me, he was like, hey, what are you?
Why are you asking? And I said, well, I did Ancestry
and I would like to, you know, finish all my tree.
And he said, oh, honey, like, just let me give you my username
and password. I did Ancestry in 2014.
Just pull all the information off my tree and my world crashed
immediately. I made an excuse to hang up very
quickly and then I cried for probably two or three days
because we weren't a match on there and I knew that he wasn't
my biological father. At that point.
It took me that was like February 19th.
I worked on it for 10 days like thinking this great grandma had
given somebody up and I didn't call him back for like another
week and 1/2 or two weeks. And I just told him like, we
don't match on there. And denial isn't just for the
just for the person going through the DNA surprise as the
kid, because my dad, as sweet as he is, my dad goes, maybe
they're just behind, Like, maybe it hasn't matched us yet.
And I knew that wasn't the case 'cause my kids came up
immediately with me and all these other matches did too.
But he told me, you know, like not to despair and just maybe
they were behind. So I waited like another week,
and then I called him back and I said, Dad, I don't think that,
you know, I don't think you're my biological father.
At that point, he said that he had known there was a
possibility because he had heard that my mother had had affairs.
But you know, when I was born, the day I was born, he held me
and I was his, and I always would be.
What did you think when you learned that he kind of knew
that there was a possibility? Did you know that your mom had
had an affair? Anything like that?
I was so young when my parents got divorced that I don't even
really remember them being married.
My mom always told us that my dad was unfaithful and I didn't
really hear stories about my mom being unfaithful because she
wasn't going to share that part. But if didn't surprise me.
My dad just said like they were young when they got married and
I shouldn't blame anybody. So I want to say I was
surprised, but probably like, what is it called?
Like the known unknown or the unknown known?
Yeah, the unknown. Yeah.
I am the person that doesn't look like my sibling my my
sister at all for she has brown hair, brown eyes just like our
dad and I have blonde hair and blue eyes just like nobody.
My sister would say I was the milk man's baby when she found
out about the DNA surprise. She apologized very very much
for that. My mom did remind me when I
finally called her. I didn't call her for another
few weeks. My dad said if I wanted any
information I would have to talk to her.
Which makes sense because why would he know?
I called her and I said I took ancestry.
Do you have anything you want to share?
And she said, why did you do that?
And I said, because we wanted to.
And she reminded me that when I was when I was 13 and I was
sharing, sharing with her a secret that I had been holding,
she, she chose at that time to say she had a secret too.
And she told me this. And I had forgotten that that
happened until she reminded me on that phone call when I was
telling her about the DNA surprise.
And so I guess she's not lying. She had told me that there was a
possibility but it was like 1 instance.
So she did. So she actually told you like
the full like, I had an affair and there's a chance that your
dad might not be your biological father.
Yeah, and she and she told me the person's name, that it, that
it was. When she mentioned this to you,
did it come back to you? Did you remember the
conversation? It's so weird having a memory be
rediscovered because I literally remember sitting in my room on
my bed with my mom at that moment.
It was when I was 13. It was something devastating
that had happened to me that I was sharing with her.
And so that's the memory that I always remembered was that I had
told my mom this and I didn't like retain the information or I
blocked out the information that she had chosen to share at that
time. It is, it is a bizarre feeling
to have that happen. So Needless to say, the person
that she told me that it was, it isn't it wasn't that person.
That person isn't in my DNA matches.
OK, so did. Were you able to figure that out
immediately? Like did she retell you that
person's name when you went and looked and said Nope, that's not
it? Or what happened after you had
that conversation? Yeah, I didn't have real close
matches. The closest match I had on my
paternal side was, and I say it's not close, but it really is
a second cousin. So I, without having any
genealogy experience, had figured this out pretty well,
but I was still holding that name that my mom gave me and
looking at the information that I had, and I couldn't figure it
out. And so I reached out to the DNA
angels and they somewhat solved my case in 15 minutes.
It was narrowed down to three brothers and none of them were
the person that she told me so. OK, what did you think when you
realized that it wasn't the person your mom had told you
either? I was confused as to like why?
She was very specific, like she remembers this man's name first
and last she remembers what he did as a job.
She said this person worked with my dad.
All of these like like details from 1975 that were kind of
crazy. So I was confused and upset that
she like, obviously there is something else that she's not
telling me. And I don't understand why my
parents are no longer married. They haven't been married for a
long time. Like why?
Why not just come forth and say like, oh, actually is this
person. I am a feminist.
Like her marriage to my dad was what?
That's her marriage to my dad. And what happened?
Like that's not what happened in their marriage isn't my
business. I don't I don't judge them for
having affairs. I mean, that's why they got
divorced. That makes sense.
I understand it was the 70s and it was Texas and probably, you
know, her hands were tied with what she could do, but it's not
1975 Texas anymore. And I just didn't understand why
she couldn't tell me the truth now.
Did you confront her once you had narrowed it down to the
three brothers? I, I did, I called her again
and, and said, you know, look, it's, it's one of these three
people. And The funny thing is, is that
one of the, one of the three brothers has the same first name
as the guy she was telling me, but the last name was different.
The last name was different. The occupation is different, all
of these things. So I couldn't just go with like,
it's definitely probably this guy then, because none of the
other details match. And she was adamant that it was
not that last name. And you know, Ancestry has some
crazy things on it. I was able to find pictures of
these guys when they were younger.
I sent her pictures of them and she was like, I've never met any
of those guys. So I was I was left with not
knowing my mom was not going to give me the answer.
So it was narrowed down to three brothers and one of them, the
youngest one, was already deceased.
So I reached out to the two surviving brothers.
DNA angels have like this letter, or at least my Angel
did. She sent me kind of a form kind
of letter that you can personalize.
I personalized it and mailed it off and hoped for something, but
unfortunately neither one of them ever returned my
correspondence. So it wasn't looking like I was
going to get an answer from either of them either.
I'm not a patient person. This, this journey has taught
me, definitely made me practice patients.
The oldest brother, he didn't have any children, so I wasn't
going to be having any luck like ever having somebody, you know,
like one of his kids tests. The middle brother had one child
and the youngest brother who was deceased has four children.
So I waited a month after I mailed the letters to the two
surviving brothers. And then I was like, I'm going
to reach out to those five kids. I need somebody to help me.
So social media, for everything negative people say about it, it
really has some positive aspects.
And I sent messages to all five kids.
The middle brother, his son, responded almost immediately.
And I immediately had a panic attack because I wasn't
expecting anybody to respond. But we exchanged a few messages
and then I asked him if he would test if I if I mailed him an
ancestry kit. And he said, yeah, why not?
So I mailed him a kit. My, my husband was like on, on
Amazon as I was chatting with him, getting it sent over.
And that was in May. And in July, he came back as my
first cousin. So definitely the right family.
Yeah, yeah. And and you know that his dad is
not your dad. Yeah, I was.
I'm not gonna lie, I was really kind of bummed because he was so
open and willing to help. I was like, oh, it will be
amazing if it is this guy because he just seems so
generous with his empathy to help a stranger.
He didn't know me. He didn't.
He did not know me at all. I was so appreciative of that.
The oldest son of the youngest brother that's it's so confusing
without using names, but I'm hoping people will will be able
to follow. He did reach out.
He did respond to my message, but he responded and was like,
this is so interesting. Can we zoom?
And I was like, absolutely. But by the end of that day, he
had pulled back and said, you know what, actually, I would
rather talk to my uncles before I reach out to you.
And I was like, you know, I get it.
And then he just never, never reached back out.
So I wasn't hopeful that he would be helping me anytime.
And the other of the other three, you know, of his three
siblings, 1 blocked me on social media.
And I thought, that's fair. This is kind of a weird message
to get. And then the other two just
never responded. That's an empathetic take,
right? Because you would think if you
got a message like that or something, I mean, you might
think it's spam or something. So, OK, so you so at this point
you've connected with a cousin, yes?
OK. And through him, he talked to
his dad, and he arranged for me to have a Zoom meeting with his
dad. So I thought that was promising.
This is all moving pretty. I'm thinking this is moving.
It's moving slower than I want it to, but it's moving pretty
quick. This is only six months later.
And he's very nice man, very nice man.
But it was mostly just to tell me that it was most likely his
older brother, that is, you know, my biological father.
But he's not interested. He received my letters and he's
not interested in finding out. How are you feeling as you kind
of hit these roadblocks in trying to make a connection with
your biological family? It was.
It is such an emotional roller coaster, for lack of a better
phrase. I always think with every
rejection that like I get better at accepting it until the next
one comes and I'm like, Dang it. My husband tells me now like
manage your expectations. Like anytime something happens,
he's like manager expectations. Like I'm trying and I think I'm
doing a good job at it until, you know, until something
happens. And then it's just a little bit.
It's a little bit heartbreaking. We're always told like our moms
are supposed to be the people that love us the most and would
do anything for us. And I clearly don't have that
because my mom can't even be honest with me.
So to expect anything more from strangers, this is kind of crazy
to me. But somehow, even as even as I
always say I'm a pessimist, I'm clearly not because I'm always
so optimistic that somebody's going to help.
Yeah. And you're so empathetic and
compassionate for the people in your story.
People say nurturer nature, right?
And like my dad who will forever be my dad.
And that's what I tried to tell that uncle, like I tried to tell
him on the Zoom, like to convey that like I'm not looking for a
dad. I have a dad, he's great.
It's clearly not nature cuz he's not my biological father.
And I don't even know how it's nurture because he only raised
me for the first five years of my life.
But he is such an empathetic person because even when I was
on the phone with him and asking like if he knew anything, never
bad mouthed her. He just would say we got married
too young. He would say, you know, if I
could give you an answer, I would give you an answer.
I'm so sorry I can't tell you who it is.
So I think I get my empathy from him.
Yeah, that is such a a painful thing to have to navigate with
your mom. How is your relationship with
her today? We are, we're, we're estranged.
I, I was mistakenly telling people that like I was estranged
from her, but I'm actually the one who had the last contact.
I mailed her a Christmas card last Christmas and just saying
again, like, if she could please tell me.
And if she doesn't know, if she could just say that she doesn't
know, but to please stop saying that it's that one person
because it's not him. And I never heard back.
I wasn't sure that she got the Christmas card, but I had spoken
to my sister and she told me that she she told me that she
did. She said, oh, I know you sent
mom a Christmas card. And I said, OK, so she did get
it. She was like, yeah, she got it.
I was like, OK, so she's estranged For me, I suppose it
hurts because she's also made it to where I can't have contact
with her sisters. My aunt, my family, and I
decided to do a road trip out to Texas this past June because I
really needed to see my dad in person and I reached out to two
of my aunts that had moved out to Texas after my mom did and
both of them declined just to visit with me because they said
if I wasn't going to see my mom that I couldn't see them either.
That's really painful, I'm sorry.
That hurt almost as bad as the DNA surprise, because I didn't
see that coming. I was naive, I suppose.
I don't know my my raised sister, she is like, this
doesn't change anything between us other than she's like, I'm so
sorry I ever called you the milkman's kid.
And then her kids have like been great.
So, but it hurts to lose other people that I just didn't think
I would lose. And then to not be gaining
anybody either, right? Like we get kind of left in no
man's land and not by our choice.
What has been helping you through this?
It sounds like your husband's been a source of support.
And my kids my my son and daughter are amazing.
I have definitely built the family that I always needed as a
kid and that includes MY2 best friends who I've known since 4th
grade and 7th grade have been there with me each Step 2.
I have some amazing Co workers because at the beginning of this
I was a mess at work and they were very very kind to me the
whole time. The whole time, and I did, and I
did go to therapy. My therapist helped me work
through the steps of grief because I really think that's
what I was. I got stuck in anger for a
little while, but she has helped me get through the steps of
grief. And then the NP podcast
community is an amazing community to be a part of.
So we drove out to Texas right in June.
And before we went, I was like, shoot, I'm going to shoot my
shot again, right? I'm going to message my new
cousin. That is confirmed.
I'm going to message those four. Well, the three other kids, the
one blocked me. I can't message that one
anymore. But the three others I can
message. And I said, hey, I only get out
to Texas maybe once a decade. Like if any of you want to meet
up, I'm totally down for it. And the new cousin was like,
absolutely. And the other three I never
heard from. So we drove out there and I had
looked up the cemetery of the brother who had passed away too,
because I thought, you know, there's a chance that he's my
biological father, chance that he's not.
I'm going to go get some connection, some closure.
I don't know what I was thinking, but we went there too.
We didn't end up meeting the new cousin.
Something came up and we were unable to meet in person, but we
did have like an hour and a half FaceTime and that was nice.
He, he has since sent me pictures of my biological
grandparents and given me like, you know, information about them
and stuff. And we've chatted here and there
a couple times. It's really hard to make
connection when there's 1800 miles between you.
Yeah, that distance is hard. Yeah, it, it is.
And being adults, we have adult lives.
He's got a wife and children. I have my kids like where you
know, but I just, but I know that when I message him, if I
ask him something, he usually responds and he's reached out to
me sometimes too. So I'm appreciative of that.
But I was really starting to think that I was going to have
to be OK with never knowing who my biological father was.
But Alexis, you're not going to believe it, but last Thursday,
like, what is that? Four days ago I got a new first
cousin match on Ancestry and the oldest daughter of the youngest
son tested never saying anything.
She never messaged me once, she never reached out about
anything. And I don't even care because
now I know that my biological father is the oldest brother.
What a gift to know for sure. I checked it when I was eating
dinner and I almost choked on my spaghetti and the amount of
dancing that went on in my house that night, I could not believe
it. I would really like to have a
connection with my biological father's side of the family,
some type of connection, but it was the answer of who it was
that I was really looking for. And for her to just do it
quietly behind the scenes without ever saying anything was
just amazing. So now that you know who he is,
have you been able to, through your own research or maybe
through your cousin, that first cousin that you matched with,
have you been able to learn anything new about him?
The first cousin had shared some information and even the uncle
shared information 'cause they were pretty sure the oldest
brother made the most sense. You know, I'm a science girly
and I if there was, there was 2 opportunities that it could be.
I just needed science to prove which one it was.
They had given me some information about him and the
Internet is a really big place. So I found some stuff, but
mostly I just wanted a name. I just wanted a name and now I
have it and it, it is wild the amount of peace that that
brought me. It kind of makes me speechless a
little bit. It was just needing to know and
I couldn't believe that it happened last Thursday.
I was like, Oh my gosh, like, I can't believe this is happening
before I'm going to be recording.
I will be honest, I was hoping to be able to use this podcast
as a way to send it to the other kids so that maybe they, if they
heard me telling my story or seeing, you know, like that I'm
an actual person, that I'm not some type of scam that like
maybe they would have the compassion to, to test.
And that I just that it didn't even take that.
And I don't know why she did it. All my, my Co workers, all my Co
workers were like, why did she test?
And I was like, I don't know, maybe curiosity got the best of
her too. I don't know.
That's so awesome and I remember you you sharing with me that
that was kind of like a hope, right?
Is, is that that would kind of, I don't want to say humanize
you, but maybe, you know, in a way I'm like, this is this is
what the experience is like, like help, you know, and the
fact that you got that answer is just so incredible.
And also maybe that will give someone hope who's listening
right now, because sometimes it seems like it's going a certain
way and it changes. And that's not to say to get
caught up on on on hoping, you know, we have to accept things
as they are, but maybe it's just to know that what it is today
could be very different tomorrow.
It really, it really could be. I'm still a little in shock that
I have an answer 'cause it's been a year and a half.
And then to in the last week that was, that was a tough week
to begin with, to then get such such joyous news.
Kind of surreal at the moment. I took a screenshot of the of
the results just so that I know that it's real.
Like if she if she ever deletes her profile, I know that it was
there and that I do have an answer.
I was so prepared to tell you at the end of this, like, and I'm
still waiting to know, but I actually know and I'm so
satisfied. Well, now that you know, what's
next for you. Honestly for me, this chapter
can be closed if any of them ever decide to reach out to me.
I would absolutely be open to it, but I never intended on
disrupting their lives. What happened wasn't something
that I did to insert myself into anybody else's life or disrupt
it. So they all know.
They all know where I am and how they can contact me and if they
want to, I'm here. But otherwise, I really just
wanted an answer. And because and because of those
two first cousins that I will be eternally grateful to, I have
the answer. So I'm good.
I'm good. That's so, so awesome.
You just said that that you feel like you can close the chapter
now. Mm hmm.
How have you been able to make peace with not getting your
hopes up and maybe not getting to connect with so much of your
biological family? But help me come to being OK
with not being connected with my paternal biological family was,
ironically enough, losing the parts of my maternal biological
family. It really shines a light on who
is most important. I have a lot of love around me
and so I'm not desperate for connection.
I'm open to it. I am open to it if any of them
reach out. But I have the people that love
me around me and that's really what has made it bearable these
last 18 months. Yeah, thank you for sharing that
because it's it's hard to think about kind of walking away if
you maybe don't have all of the answers that you want or haven't
connected with every single person that you want to connect
with. I appreciate you sharing your
perspective of, of you're able to kind of say, OK, like I'm
open and if something else happens, great.
And if not, I'm I'm OK with closing this.
What advice do you have for a parent who may be keeping adna
surprise from their child? I knew this question was coming
and I've been thinking and the only advice that I can think of
is not keep it a secret. Ever.
I think that every, every kid has a right to know where they
come from. Every you know, in my case, my
dad deserved to know that he wasn't my biological father.
I feel like he would have been here there anyways.
I think my mom didn't give him enough credit for that.
Just the damage that it's causing, whether parents realize
it or not, it can be breaking. I went through a really tough
time of like looking in the mirror and not knowing who was
looking back at me. If a parent really takes himself
out of the equation and removes their ego and stops protecting
themselves, I think that they know they need to let their kid
know who their biological parent or parents are.
Yeah, just don't keep a secret. It's causing damage that you
might not ever see, but it's there.
What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna
Surprise? Know that every emotion and
feeling that you feel is valid, every single one of them.
And know that as hard as it is, you'll get through it.
Surround yourself with people who will listen to you and love
you and not say silly things like you're still you or your
dad's still your dad. And even if it's just the
teeniest tiniest bit, keep hope and know that it's not you that
caused any of this. It is not you that caused any of
this. You're our product of it and you
get to be the one to deal with it.
But it isn't your fault no matter what.
Anybody. Says so well said.
So well said. Tamara.
Thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your
story. I'm so happy for you that you
finally got an answer just in between the time that we
scheduled this interview. Like that's just goes to show
how much can change and how quickly, even after long periods
of time, or maybe it doesn't seem like it will.
So thank you for just being so vulnerable and sharing what this
experience has been like for you and whether the chapter remains
closed or if it continues. I just wish you the best.
Thank you so much, Alexis, and thank you so much for everything
that you do. The NPE world is a better space
because you and people like you have put out these forms and
have spaces for us to talk about it so that we know we're not
alone. And it is.
These podcasts are part of what got me through in the beginning,
so I really, really appreciate everything that you do.
Thank you so much. Thanks again to Tamara for
sharing her story. If you have Adna surprise that
you'd like to share, please submit your story at
dnasurprises.com. Until next time.
This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited
by me Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.