The way they told us was, you know, if I were in their shoes,
it was horrible. Like you as an adult and as a
parent, like you can't say those things to a child.
So I think hearing that was really hard and there was some
truth to it. I mean, my mother, she is an
alcoholic even to this day, I'm pretty sure.
But that doesn't mean you say she didn't want you, you know?
Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the
world of unexpected DNA discoveries.
I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt. In July 2021, my life took a
surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who
has experienced a non paternal event.
In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he
was. Join me as we explore the
stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their
families. Get ready to unravel the
astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.
This is DNA Surprises. Welcome to the season 8 finale
of DNA Surprises. I can't believe it's been 2 1/2
years since I started this podcast.
I think it's finning that I'm recording this introduction on
the three-year anniversary of my own DNA Surprise.
So much has changed since then, largely in part to this amazing
community. So before we begin, I just want
to give thanks. Thank you for being here and for
listening. Thank you to my incredible DNA
surprise community on Patreon. This podcast is currently 100%
independent. I don't have a network or
advertisers and I produced, host and edit every episode with the
kind of care I hope someone would give my own story.
Thank you for your support. It's because of this community
of listeners, storytellers, friends, and family that I'm so
excited to continue this work. In this episode of DNA
Surprises, I'm joined by Deanna, who shares her NPE story.
Deanna has experienced unspeakable amounts of hardship
in her life. From abandonment to abuse to her
DNA discovery, her story is difficult and powerful.
You'll hear how she's reckoning with the might have beens and
the wise. You'll also learn how she's
moving forward, including being the person she needed when she
was younger for her own children.
Thank you for sharing your story, Deanna.
I am Deanna, I am 36 and I'm originally from a small town in
South Central PA Pennsylvania and I currently live in
Cincinnati, OH. So I was born to two teenage
parents. My mom was 17 when I was born my
dad was 19. My father was actually still
living at home with his parents, he had just graduated high
school. My mother did not have a very
stable home life. So when I was born, I actually
moved into my grandparents house with my father and my mother as
well. My mom, like I said, she didn't
have a very stable home life and she was just a mess all around.
If she didn't have a job, as far as I know, she didn't have a
car, She didn't have a license when I was born.
She ended up having to drop out of school, repeated her
sophomore year. She did go back but never
ultimately finished. That was kind of the theme of my
early years. My dad did save up enough money
to buy us a trailer so we moved into a trailer park when I was
still baby and then shortly after my younger brother was
born. So we are 22 months apart and my
father also worked night shift so he was not around at night
and my mother would often times leave us at home alone.
I don't know how long this went on for, but eventually it got
back to my dad that she was leaving us at home and one
particular night she had left went to see another guy.
On the way home she got into a car accident.
She had been drinking, didn't have a license, as I mentioned.
And so she called my dad had to tell him what she had just done.
So he called his parents, my grandparents, and you know, it
was like 2:00 in the morning. They had to come get her and
ended up being the guy that she had got into an accident with,
wanted to press charges. And of course, knowing all of
the trouble that she would be in, my grandparents paid him for
the damages. Nobody was, you know, hurt or
severely injured or anything, but they ended up paying him to
not press charges and kind of move on.
So that it's really saved my mom.
But I think that specific incident is what really shed
light on to what was happening while my father was away at work
when I was two years old. My grandmother, well, my whole
family, I guess, my aunts, uncles, where they had a
birthday party for me and my brother's baby.
At this point, they were all at the art trailer and one of our
babysitters was there as well, which was by babysitter, I mean,
it was a friend of her as a high school friend.
She wasn't like calling, you know, calling in young kids to
come help. It was a high school friend and
my great grandmother. So my dad's grandmother was also
there. She was still alive at the time
and, and my babysitter's name was Tammy, my mom's friend.
And she said to my grandparents, you need to watch out for her.
She's after Michael, Michael being my father.
About six months or so later, we ended up moving same trailer,
moved it to a different trailer park.
And within just a matter of a couple days, my mom left.
She left me and my my baby brother with my father.
He was a single dad and his very early 20s working night shift.
So my grandparents stepped in to help out a lot.
So thankfully we had them and and that's been a pretty
consistent theme throughout my life.
But sure enough, in 1993, my dad ended up marrying Tammy.
So your great grandma was right. She was right.
Yes. That was in May of 93.
My mother, during all of this, she was very in and out of our
lives. I don't actually have any
memories of her, like physically being present with us.
I, I have memories of, oh, your mom's supposed to come see you
today or your mom's going to bring you a birthday present
today, like hearing things. But never, I don't ever remember
her being physically being there.
Tammy ended up adopting me and my brother.
So she now she is our stepmom and in the state of
Pennsylvania, our birth certificates were changed,
right? So now my birth certificate says
Tammy is our is my biological mother, even though she's not.
I would have been five or six. Do you remember, were you close
to Tammy? Did you want her to adopt you or
what that situation was like? Looking back, I don't really
remember. Like I said, I have no memories
of my mom. I have one memory of my mother
and it was after my dad got married to Tammy.
She did finally come around. She had disappeared for like a
year and a half completely. She didn't come, she didn't
call, nothing. And I think that's probably
ultimately what led to the adoption.
But after they got married, she did come back around and they
had made a deal with her that she could see us, me and my
brother, if she was supervised only.
So her mother, my grandmother, my maternal grandmother was with
her, came and picked us up. And we were to go to my
grandmother's house with my mom and we were to stay there.
We weren't to go anywhere else. And my grandmother wasn't to
leave us with my mom alone. Well, my grandmother did leave
and then my mother took us. I think we went to a friend's
house. I mean, I just remember being at
like a party and we were in the basement with a bunch of
strangers that I didn't know. And, and, you know, cops ended
up being called. And apparently it was this whole
ordeal where she had taken us and they didn't know where we
were. And my grandmother came home and
we were gone. And so that was literally the
only memory I ever have of my entire childhood of my mother.
And it was. Wow.
One day, yeah. I'm so sorry.
That's, yeah, really hard. And so I do remember like even
in the courtroom, them saying, do you want her to be your mom?
And me thinking, but she is my mom, but she's not my mom at
this time. Like I remember being coached to
say you you gotta say this to the judge and, and that sort of
thing. But it was very confusing
because I was always told your mom is going to come today.
And of course she never would show up.
I, it's so hard to explain just not knowing who your mom is and
this other person being there. And she didn't live with us
until my parents until they got married, but she was there far
more consistently. And, and when you're that young,
I think you just latch on to whatever figure you have in your
life, you know. And so it was very confusing.
I'll just say that. And in the beginning, she wanted
to be a part of our lives, or at least it seemed that way, right?
She was very into taking care of us and wanting to be our mom and
that sort of thing. However, things were not
perfect. My father, he was put in a
shitty situation, right? And he was young and I just
remember he was always so stressed out.
We were poor, we grew up poor. So that didn't help.
If I had to describe him in one word, it would just be angry.
For as long as I can remember, he was always just an angry
person. So there was a lot of yelling,
screaming, chaos. Even when he was married, it
that didn't change, right? He was still angry abuse.
I mean, he was abusive to both my brother and me, and she
didn't help that in any way. Like she kind of stood back and
let it happen. I never felt close to her.
I do think that when I was that young, it was someone that I
admired maybe for a brief period of time, but I never felt close.
To her, after she adopted you, was your mom, your biological
mother still kind of in and out of your life?
Or would did she completely stop contact at that point?
Right. So she gave up her rights
completely as a parent. So she wasn't legally, wasn't
allowed to contact us, wasn't allowed.
To be in our lives. OK, I wasn't sure if it was one
of those things where like the stepparent adopted, but maybe
she still wanted to be in your life in some capacity.
OK. So no contact after that?
No contact at all? Yeah, Did you?
Still have a relationship with her parents, your maternal
grandparents? Or did that stop as well?
It did eventually stop. They were around for a while.
I remember my grandmother used to take me to Kmart and buy me
Barbies. She did come around and visit
and I think birthdays for a time being.
And my my mom also had a sister who would take us.
She had two boys as well, so two cousins that we would go to this
local campsite. I have some vague memories of
them because they were in our lives more frequently.
I wouldn't say they were super consistent, but at least more
frequently than my mother. And so I had those kinds of
memories as well. But again, because of the
situation, it was just so confusing to me that I think at
one point in time I thought maybe that was those words like
dreams or, you know, maybe I made that up in my head.
Maybe it was a figment of my imagination.
Because once we were adopted, we never talked about it again.
We didn't talk about Aunt Grandma, We didn't talk about my
cousins. We didn't talk about any of
that. So life goes on.
My dad and stepmom, who effectively is not my mother
since she's adopted me and my brother.
They proceed to have a child. Our worlds were just turned
completely upside down at that point.
I mean things weren't great, my dad was already abusive to us,
but it got so much worse once they had their own child.
We were just there basically to clean and take care of the baby
and do things around the house. I mean, we didn't have a
childhood. We can really play.
My dad was so strict. It was not a good home situation
at all. And then they had another child.
Life was just ultimately pure hell at that point.
But between my two sisters being born, my brother and I were on
the bus and I just remember this one kid out of nowhere just
started picking on us. And he kept saying weird things
like, you don't know who I am, but I know who you are and your
mother's going to come take you and all of these weird things.
And so I finally went home and I was probably in 3rd or 4th grade
at this point in time. And I, I told them like I, I
don't know who this kid is, but he won't leave us alone.
And Long story short, that's how we essentially found out that we
were adopted. Because at this point, all of
those memories were distant memories, never discussed, never
brought up. She was our mom.
So that was kind of like having to really relive that bombshell
all over again. So you'd completely forgotten
what happened and and your mom taking it, that's something that
came back later in your memory. So you were.
So this is how you find out that your your mom is not your
biological mother. Yes, yeah.
And I don't know if I had forgotten or if it was more of
like, it's just such a confusing time when you're that little and
you don't understand what's going on around you and the
parental figures aren't consistent in your life.
And I don't know if I forgot or I suppressed it or I just.
And it's not talked about. And it wasn't talked about,
right, Right. So it's just super confusing.
But that then it all made a lot more sense because then I was
like, OK, I wasn't crazy. I do remember those people from
when I was younger that I couldn't connect the dots to,
you know, and all of that was real.
Yeah, and I'm really curious what little little baby Deanna
was thinking when you were treated so differently than your
two youngest siblings without knowing that you were adopted at
the forefront of your mind. That must have been very
confusing. Did you wonder like, why am I
treated this way and they're not?
Absolutely. It was awful because when I
still remember the day that they told us that they were expecting
and I was excited, was gonna have another little sibling and
they were excited. And and I should say too, that
my stepmom was not the happiest person.
I think she had her own things going on.
She was depressed. She ended up not working.
She worked for like the first year that my parents were
married. I just think she had her own
things. And so this was suddenly like
she was somewhat happy again and maybe had something to look
forward to and I couldn't figure out.
I mean, I knew that that was a happy thing in life, right?
But like, it seemed to be this big deal.
And I'm thinking like, well, you have two kids.
It's, you know, like, of course life is precious no matter how
many children you have. And so of course then it all
made sense once, once this all came back around.
And do you remember the conversation of going home and
saying this, kids picking on us, talking about my mom and he
knows who I am? What did they say?
How did that conversation go? They actually asked me first,
well, do you know what he's talking about?
And I was like, no, I, I don't, that's why I'm telling you I
don't know what he's talking about.
They said, well, do you remember anything from your early
childhood? And of course, I did have some
memories, but I was too afraid to say anything because I, I
didn't know if they were real or not.
So they tried to get me to speak first and try to like, pry it
out of me almost. And I just kind of sat there
like, no, I, I don't know. They did eventually say, well,
Tammy's not your biological mother, you know, and this is
what happened. And, and the story that I was
given was that your mother was an alcoholic.
She didn't love you. She didn't want you.
You're better off without her. You don't need her.
Your life would be so much worse if she were involved.
Those types of things. That was the story that my
brother and I were both told. What was your reaction to all of
that information? So that was hard and I carried
that with me throughout life. I think after that conversation,
I really just didn't want to go back there again.
They said if you have questions, you can ask us, but we didn't
have that kind of relationship. So even though they did say
that, I never felt comfortable enough to ask them questions
about her or nor did I want to bring it up because I just
didn't want to be told those things that I was told, you
know. So life goes on now.
I have two younger sisters and they were about four years
apart. My brother and I were very much
the adults in the house. I mean, we, we did the cleaning,
we did laundry, we took care of the babies, we changed diapers,
we fed them, you know, and of course, you know, there's
nothing wrong with siblings helping out.
But neither of my parents were mentally stable or physically
stable. There was a lot of chaos all the
time. And so we grew up really fast.
And then on top of that, the abuse only got worse once they
were born because once they were around, it was just like, we
were shunned. We were treated so differently
and everyone noticed. I mean, my entire family noticed
to the point where they would stick up for us.
And it actually caused a huge divide in the family for a long
time. My dad didn't speak to his
parents for many, many years because they stood up for us and
it we weren't even telling anyone that we felt, you know, a
certain way. They observed it and witnessed
it themselves first hand. But you couldn't tell my dad
anything. You know, he it was his way or
the highway. And so the second anyone stood
up for us, then we were disrespecting his wife and he
was not going to have that. Things proceeded to get worse
because my brother is back to our childhood and and being left
at home alone as an infant and a toddler.
I'm not a doctor obviously, but I think my brother had some sort
of. I don't know if it was a
connection issue or an attachment.
I guess is what I'm. Trying to get an attachment.
Yes, we could tell at a young age that he was struggling.
I still to this day don't know that he's ever been like
properly diagnosed. But he definitely had a hard
time. He got the brunt of the physical
abuse. I mean I got it too, but they
were way harder on him and had way less patience with him.
They sent him to multiple institutions like mental health
institutions, group home type settings.
He bounced around starting when he was about 12 and with him out
of the house and that means things were put even more on me.
Then things got worse for me. So when I was 15, where I was a
freshman, there was an opportunity to go to boarding
school. A local businessman had started
a scholarship foundation, So I saw that as a chance for me to
get out of the house. And so I applied.
I ended up getting a scholarship to go to boarding school.
So I left the house, which was probably the best decision I've
ever made because that was the first time that I really
realized how bad our situation was because that was the norm
for us. And we weren't allowed to see
friends outside of, you know, we never could have friends over.
We never went to friends houses. We were just, we went to school,
we were allowed to play sports, but we that was it.
We came home and we did all of these chores and did our
homework and like that was our life.
Wow, so you really saved yourself when you saw that
opportunity. Yes.
And what was that experience like of being in boarding
school? It was a wild experience, but I
I wouldn't change it for the world.
Like I said it, you said it best.
It saved me. And during that time, my
relationship with them was, it was already strained, right?
But now I'm, I have this like newfound freedom.
I'm away from their grips. I would call them once in a blue
moon and I always got the devil for that because I I wasn't
calling enough. Anytime I talk to them, it was
just, I would just hear all the things that I wasn't doing right
or all the things that my brother wasn't doing right.
It was never like, hey, how are you?
We miss you, can't wait to see you.
It was nothing like that. I never wanted to call them.
I I did it just enough to say that I did it.
I really started to distance myself as much as I could and I
had to go home for the major holidays, Thanksgiving,
Christmas, spring break and summertime, and that was pretty
much it. During this time as well, my
brother had been bouncing around also from home to home.
They decided that they couldn't handle him anymore.
They didn't want to deal with him.
And so they turned him over to the state and he went into
foster care when he was, I believe 15.
So I'm away at boarding school. They give him up to foster care.
So now it's just their, you know, 4 core and their family.
Wow, were you in contact with your brother at this time?
No, once he got put into foster care I did not have any contact
with him. I know my grandparents did from
time to time and it was very limited I think.
I don't know if there were rules around it or if they just wanted
to be more respectful to his foster family.
I'm not honestly not sure but I would get updates through them
and I I think they got to see him a couple of times as well.
But as far as I know I think they were the only ones who got
to see him while he was in foster care.
I end up graduating from boarding school in 2006.
I moved back home that summer when I had turned 16.
Even though I was away, when I would come home, I had a job.
There was actually a mini Mart across the street from our
neighborhood. I wasn't allowed to have a car,
so I but I had to work when I was 16 because that was the
rule. And so I was able to walk across
the street to this good old country store where it was a gas
station, butcher shop, a convenience store.
So I started working there when I was 16 and I saw it as another
opportunity to like not be in the house.
So I worked as much as I could. So every break I was like sign
me up I will work all you need. When I moved back home was still
working there. I lasted about 3 weeks at home
after I graduated. I don't even know at this point
what caused it. But there was an argument.
Not uncommon but my dad said you're a teen, if you don't
respect me and your mother then you're not welcome to live here
anymore. And so he told me to pack my
bags and leave. The ironic thing is that when I
moved back home, my sisters had taken the two bedrooms so I
didn't have a bedroom. All my boxes from school were
still packed up. I was on the floor with.
I didn't even have a bed so I'm sleeping on the floor on a bunch
of blankets and all my stuff was already packed up.
So it wasn't really that hard for me to like prepare to leave.
Now I'm home with. Thankfully, I had a friend who
was willing to help me out and I mostly stayed at her house.
I put all my stuff in storage and she helped me load up all my
boxes while my dad was at work. That was that.
So I left at some point, my grandparents said, well, you
need to go back because you need to make sure you get like your
birth certificate, your Social Security card, like these
documents that you're going to need as an adult on your own.
Things that I didn't think about.
And so I did go back. It was a weird conversation.
My dad was very calm and he never was, but he knew I was
coming and he knew what for. So we we didn't really talk.
It was kind of a get your stuff and go.
But he made a comment. He said, I just want you to know
that when I found out your mother was pregnant, I left.
But I thought about it and I came back and you just need to
know that. And at the time, I mean, I, I
really thought like, what an asshole.
Like, how dare he put himself up on a pedestal for doing the
right thing, you know? Yeah.
I was pissed because I thought that he was saying like he saved
me and and he gets all the credit in the world and I'm
thinking, well, you're my father.
That's what you're supposed to do.
You weren't supposed to leave. Right, right.
So that comment, you know, I've never forgotten that.
But like everything else I I buried it pretty deep.
So the summer goes on and now I'm couch surfing mostly,
staying with one friend, working and going to friends houses and
whatever. And I had enrolled in college
for the fall, so I knew it was going to be going off to
college. I go off to college and that's
when it really hit me. Like the gravity of what
happened that summer, because I just thought it was invincible.
I think, you know, I thought I don't.
I don't need my parents. I was never close with them
anyways. They didn't do much for me.
But then I'm moving into College in Allentown, PA.
I see all of these kids with their parents helping them move
in and moms are crying and they're giving hugs and here I
am like carrying everything in by myself.
I have no parents with me. I'm nobody.
That started like my downward spiral for me.
I still didn't address any of my issues really, but I started to
drink a lot, partying. I had started dating a guy
actually in high school and we dated all through college, on
and off. But he was a drug addict, just
making poor choices left and right and not in good
relationships. I didn't have the self worth,
the self respect. I just didn't care about myself.
I heard a lot of people along the way managed to graduate
college, but those were not my best years, that is for sure.
But the summer before I went to college, I was working at this
mini Mart and it was right off of the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
And so we were actually pretty busy.
We're off the beaten path, but pretty busy little store.
The way it worked is when you would come in, you would that we
have these like little slips. You would just kind of check off
what you want, like made to order.
And this is before there were like kiosks and things, you
know. And so you fill it out, put your
name at the top, hand it over to us in the window and we would
make your food. I was behind the counter and I
get a slip and I happened to notice the name on the slip one
day. The last name was my mother's
maiden name. So I make his food and I'm, I'm
like, what do I do? And I'm just contemplating to
myself, should I say something? Should I not?
And I thought, well, what do I have to lose?
I just got kicked out of my house.
I have no family, you know, And so I mean, I had family, but no,
I, my parents, my grandparents were very much so big part of my
life and my aunts and uncles and cousins and everyone as well.
Just to clarify, but. But those were not people that
you could go stay with, for example.
Right. And my, my grandmother, I was
very close with my whole life. I still am to this day.
But she had just had quadruple bypass surgery right after I
graduated. And so I knew that they would
have, let me say with him in a heartbeat.
I have no doubt about that. But I did not want to put that
on them knowing what she had just been through.
I didn't even tell them right away.
I think probably at least a month had gone by before I even
told them what happened. They had no idea.
I see the last name and I decide I'm going to say something.
So I'm checking this man out and I say, by any chance do you know
Dia? And he goes, yeah, that's my
aunt. And I said, I think that makes
his cousins then. And he looks at me and he goes,
Deanna, is that you? And I just started to cry.
And he's like, holy shit, I haven't seen you since you were,
you know, this big. And he's, like, pointing down at
the ground. So it turns out that that was,
in fact, my cousin. And we exchanged phone numbers
and he said, you know, call me when you get off of work.
I'm going to call your mom and we can arrange to meet her.
And so I got off of work. I called him.
He picked me up and took me out to meet my mom and my aunt, his
mom. It was a lot of tears, a lot of
tears. I was crying.
My aunt was crying, my mom was crying.
Just a lot of crying. It went OK, It wasn't bad.
It was, I, I think it was just shocked, you know, more than
anything, I was so young to really understand the gravity of
all of it. You know, I spent, I don't know,
probably a few hours at her house and just talking and we
didn't get into anything really deep that night.
It was more like, oh, we have the same toes, just kind of very
surface level things. And I kind of told her about me
going away to school and, and just catching up, you know, on
surface level things, I feel like.
But we did exchange numbers and we did keep in touch for a
little while. Probably about halfway through
my freshman year, we stopped talking.
That wasn't fully her fault. I think it was both of us.
It was, it was a lot. It was just a lot.
And I, I personally was not prepared for that.
It all happened so fast and I think just with everything else
that was already going on, I just couldn't handle it to be
completely honest. So we kind of lost touch.
And then about a year, year and a half later she called my
grandparents house and let them know that she was thinking about
me. And she said, will you let her
know that I called? If she wants to get in touch
again, let her know that she can call me.
We got back in touch again. And I do want to mention too,
that it was very evident very quickly that she was an
alcoholic still. So that that was one thing that
I was like, OK, that is confirmed.
But we got back in touch and we did eventually talk about some
more deeper things. I told her a lot of the stuff
that I had gone through. I learned some things about her
and about her and my dad and, you know, things that I didn't
know before. Did not think to ask about
medical history that never once crossed my mind at 1819 years
old. But right, well, we're healthy.
Like you said, we're invincible right at that age.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It lasted for probably another,
I don't know, maybe a year on and off.
But we weren't like calling each other every single day.
It was, you know, every month or two months we would call, check
in. I visit her a couple times.
My brother ended up coming as well one of the time.
So he eventually he didn't right away.
He didn't want to jump into that.
But eventually he ended up meeting her.
Also. She had wanted to have us over
for Thanksgiving and I don't know what was going on in her
life, but I could just tell by her voice when she was telling
us that she was going to have us over for Thanksgiving.
I just had this feeling that it wasn't going to happen.
So she knew I was coming home from school for Thanksgiving.
This is probably a couple months in advance.
We had talked about having dinner together.
She knew when I was coming home, she was to call and and make
those arrangements. Well, Thanksgiving came and went
and I had never heard from her again.
But that point I was like, OK, she's had multiple chances.
I know the first time around we weren't prepared, both of us,
but we talked about that before we kind of dove in again.
We both address like, hey, that was just a lot.
We weren't prepared for that. It kind of sprung on us.
But we're ready, like we'll try this again.
So I thought, OK, we'll give it another go.
And you know, having put that out there, I thought it felt
safe to try again. But when that happened, I was
like, OK, I'm, I'm not going to put myself through this another
time. I just can't.
So I let it go. So that was pretty much how my
reunion with my biological mother went was.
OK. Very much like my childhood.
How long from that point did it go before you spoke to her
again, or did you? I didn't.
Yeah, that was. That was.
The last time you talked to your mom?
Yes, through all of this, you know I've gotten kicked out of
my house. I've reunited with my mother,
which to me felt like the first time ever meeting her because I
had that one single memory of her.
This was all happening through college and I'm off at college
by myself away from home. I have a drug addict boyfriend,
so many things happening all at once.
And I transferred, started out College in Allentown, PA in my
freshman year and then I transferred to Cincinnati and I
I went to Xavier. So that's where I graduated
from. I managed to graduate, had
decent grades. Somehow after I graduated, I
ended up staying in Cincinnati. When I graduated, it was during
the the. Great Recession.
Yes, thank you. Do you have during the
recession? I graduated and so I couldn't
find a job right away. So I ended up bartending for a
couple of years and that's where I'm at my now husband.
Life went on, I guess, and and during this all of this, I'm
thinking that I'm fine. I'm just trying to find a job,
but you know, I'm off of my own. I'm.
Are you speaking to your father or adopted or your stepmother at
all during this time? No, I mean once I got kicked
out, I went back that one time to get my documents and I think
he called me one time. We had no relationship at all.
We didn't talk for years and years, probably a decade or
more. But I did maintain contact with
the rest of my family, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins.
My brother and I aren't super close, but when I go home I
would usually see him and my family and stuff and my
grandparents just not not either of them.
So I'm you know what, my early 20s just life, my husband and I
get married right before I turn 30.
So, you know, six years ago and then in 2018, I got pregnant for
the first time with my daughter. It never really occurred to me.
Like I said, I'd never thought to ask my mom about medical
history and on my anytime I went to the doctor, which I never, I
didn't really go to the doctor that much one, I was pretty
healthy, but also like it didn't really have insurance and stuff
before until I entered the corporate world.
But when I did, I would never put any medical information on
my mother's side. I just put what I knew and that
was it. But I never brought it up.
I never told any doctors. You know, I don't I'm missing
half of my medical history. I just never, I think I had a
lot of shame and embarrassment, honestly.
I didn't talk about my childhood situation like my friends
growing up, they didn't know that I had been adopted by my
stepmother. They just thought that that was
my mom. I never talked about it to
anyone. So it wasn't until I was
pregnant and my doctor was asking, you know, just normal
questions. I think like, well, how did your
mother give, you know, did you have C-section?
Was it a natural birth? But and I was like, oh, I don't
know. I have no idea.
I never thought about that aspect of it either.
And so I saw an ad or something for Ancestry DNA, for the health
traits. That is what piqued my interest
was the health traits. And I think I was just naive to
even know what that meant. I knew it wouldn't be able to
diagnose me with anything, but I thought, Oh well, maybe this
will give me some sort of insight that I, I don't know.
So that's what prompted me to take ADNA test.
And this was in 2019. And at the time one of my
cousins, Jenny, was living with me.
She's an occupational therapist and she was in her master's
program and she had to do like a clinical.
So she got assigned to a hospital out here in Cincinnati.
So she lived with us for a few months while I was pregnant.
And I had mentioned to her like, hey, I ordered some DNA tests
because I ordered one for me and I actually ordered 2 for my
grandparents that I was going to gifts to them.
Never ended up doing that, thank God.
But I mentioned to her, maybe you should take one too and we
can kind of start this like whole family thing.
And she kind of laughed and was like, I would never willingly
give my DNA to the government. And I was like, oh, OK.
You know, I thought it was kind of a weird thing to say, but I.
Yeah. But there's a lot of that, Yeah.
There's a lot of that kind of anxiety around uploading our
information and some somewhat justified, right?
But yeah, it's not necessarily something that we're thinking
about. Yeah.
But you know, I, I'm a firm believer that everything happens
for a reason. And even though I at the time
genuinely was like, that's so weird.
Why wouldn't she do that? I'm so thankful that she didn't
do it because I know now that I would not have been able to
handle, you know, all of the things that are about to unfold
if if that had happened then. So.
I took the DNA test in 2019, also gave birth to my daughter
in 2019. I got the results back and I
remember thinking, wow, that's, that's really weird.
I glanced at my matches, but I didn't really care about the
matches a whole lot. That's not why I took it.
But I did look at them and I, I didn't know any names on there.
But again, I wasn't super surprised because when I
reconnected with my mother, I had met my aunt and uncle, a few
of my cousins, but I really only knew like her mom's name her.
She had a brother and a sister and I knew their kids names and
that was about it. So I was like, you know, these
are all probably distant relatives.
I'm not surprised that I don't know any names.
Not a big deal. But there was one match.
I had one first cousin and that bothered me because I, I didn't
know who it was. And I was thinking like, well,
my mom told me she had one brother and one sister and I
know their kids names, my cousins.
And it's not, it was not any of those names.
So I did think it was weird, but I was like, you know, her father
passed away when she was young. Who knows what could have
happened. Maybe she has a, a sibling out
there that she doesn't know about.
I just chalked it up to like being something on her side of
the family because I didn't know a lot of a lot of their history
and names and things. So I didn't really think a whole
lot of it. But the whole first cousin
thing, I think was just on the back of my mind and it it was
always there. After I had my first daughter,
five months later, I was pregnant again.
And then the pandemic hit. So like I said, it was always in
the back of my mind, but not something that I really had the
time or energy to even think about.
So I kind of shut it off. You know, occasionally I would
go back in and look at my results.
And then in 2021, I was diagnosed with PCOS, and that
prompted me to look at the health.
I started reading into the stuff again and started getting a
little more into it, but again, just kind of let the whole
matches go. But I realized when I first
taken the test, it had said that I was about 33% Greek and I did
not know that I had any Greek in me.
I knew that my grandparents, my paternal grandparents were
German, mostly German and a little bit of Irish.
I did ask my mother this. That is one thing that I did ask
was, you know, what is our lineage, What is our background?
And she told me Indian and Italian.
And I was like, I don't think she knew what she was talking
about. And I will say this, she didn't
because she's not any of those either.
But I thought, OK, maybe that has to be where this Greek comes
from. But as you probably know, 20/19
was still pretty early on, right?
And so my percentage kept increasing.
So I, you know, I would go back and look every five or 6-7
months and suddenly I'm now like 50% Greek.
So I, I was like, OK, something's not, something's not
right. So I started asking my
grandparents questions and I was like, you know, just just
checking like, is there any Greek anywhere in our family
line? You know, they're like, no, no,
we're definitely very German. And they both my grandmother's
maiden name and my grandfather, both very German.
So I was like, OK, well, I didn't think so, but just
checking. And then I was asking about this
first cousin. I said, well, I have this first
cousin match. I'm pretty sure it's on my mom's
side of the family. That would make sense.
But do you know this last name? Because that her last name
popped up many like I have many matches with the same last name
and they're like, no, we we don't know anyone, anyone
without last name in our family or extended family.
I'm like, OK, but I'm starting to piece together that, you
know, this first cousin is not Greek.
So, you know, to me I'm like, I can only be, you know,
something's off. This is end of 2021 and 2022.
I lost a friend to suicide. Something about that just made
me think about life in a whole different way.
And I, I spent many nights, late nights up with friends talking
about life and getting into these really deep conversations
because of, you know, what had happened to our friend.
And I remember one particular night before the funeral, we
were up and talking and just talking about life.
And I said out of nowhere to one of my friends, I was like, I
think my dad isn't actually my dad.
And she was like, what? This was the first time.
Like I surprised myself when I said it.
OK, so this I was going to say, was this something that had been
in the back of your mind or it just came to you?
I think I knew that something wasn't right between, you know,
I've got this first cousin who nobody knows who this is, but
she's also not Greek and I'm half Greek.
How does that match up? But I had never said it out
loud. I think I had.
I would like the unthought known.
I think it was one of those like, and I kind of shocked
myself when I said it. And I, I shared my results with
her. Like we, I got my phone out and,
and she was like, Oh my gosh, like, you're right.
I don't know. We end up, you know, a few weeks
past, we go to the funeral and then on the way home from the
funeral, again, I'm, I'm with a different friend now.
We were just kind of talking about how heavy that whole
situation was. And again, getting to these
really deep conversations about life and my friend proceeds to
tell me a secret of hers that she had been keeping Alexis.
It blew my mind. I was bawling my eyes out just
again, I one of those moments where I'm like, life is just so
crazy. And we're talking and she says I
listen to this podcast because it makes me feel better about my
secret. And so she mentions Danny's
podcast Family Secrets and I promise this is relevant.
So she mentions this podcast and I'm like wow for.
For anyone who's listening who doesn't know, it's Danny Shapiro
who's like kind of at the forefront of a lot of these
conversations. Yes.
She has a podcast called Family Secrets.
Yes, and this is the first time that I had ever heard about it.
And so we get back and I start listening to her podcast,
something about, you know, I just lost a friend.
I said something out loud that I shocked myself when those words
came out of my mouth. And now I'm listening to this
podcast where I'm hearing stories like I've never heard
before. And I think that just kind of
lit a fire in me to get to the bottom of this.
It was a mystery to me at this point, right?
My my results didn't make any sense.
I decide, well, a couple things. One, I'm like, OK, I I need to
take another test. So I take an ancestry.
So I decided that I was going to take 23andMe because I still was
like, maybe this isn't right. Like I literally didn't know a
single match. I didn't know a single name.
And the more I thought about that, I was like that, that is
kind of weird. You would think you would know
second cousin maybe or you know something.
And I knew some names of my mother's family, right?
Like, and I knew their last name and that last name didn't appear
anywhere. So I'm just like, maybe these
results aren't right. Maybe this isn't really mine.
That would make sense. And I think a lot of people have
that same thought, right. So I decide, OK, well, I'm going
to take 23andMe, but I'm going to do a little more research.
So I subscribe to Ancestry, like the I joined Ancestry and you
have access to like the newspapers and yadda yadda.
So I start researching this cousin.
I couldn't find anything but in my head I'm like well maybe my
aunt or uncle has a child out there that like they gave up for
adoption and they didn't tell anyone.
Or maybe I am coming up with all these scenarios just to try to
explain this away. And I ended up finding their
marriage record and their divorce record.
I researched his ex wife's name and you know, ruled all of that
out. Like I'm doing all of these
things and I'm like, I'm still like this, this isn't making
sense. I get the guts to call my cousin
who this will be my father's brother's son.
I call him up and I say, look, I know this is going to sound
crazy, but I really need your help.
And I explained to him, I said, look, I, you know, I had taken
ADNA test a few years ago and I've been trying to figure out
these results and I can't. And I, I just need someone in
our immediate family to take the test so I have a connection so I
can see like where these other connections belong.
And, and he was cool about it. I mean, he was so laid back.
And I should mention too, this is Jenny's brother, so and one
how I said you should take this test and she was like no.
And he was like, sure, I'll do it, I don't care.
He'll put that DNA out there, yeah.
Put it out there. Yeah.
So I didn't ask her because I, you know, already went down that
road. I didn't ask my brother because
I not super close with him. So John says sure.
So I sent him a kit. I had already sent in my thing
to 23 me. My cousin had already sent in
his while we're waiting, Ancestry was coming out with all
of these new features and things to where suddenly they could
tell you what side your matches are on and what's, what
inheritance you got from which side of the family that all came
out. Like I, I want to say it was
like a week after I got my results, which was so madding to
me, Alexis, because I'd gone through all of this and then it
was like, oh, here you go. Here's the answers you've been
looking for. Yeah.
My cousin called me. It's Friday, August 19th of
2022. And he said, hey, I just got my
results and he's like, I'm looking at him right now.
He's like, I think everything looks fine.
Like I, I see my mom's side of the family on here.
I've got and he starts rattling off my dad and his dad's last
name. And he's saying like I see some
matches there and I'm like, oh, do you see my name?
And he is like, where would I find that?
And I was like, if you're seeing other matches, you would you
would see me like under your first cousin.
He's like, no, I did not get a notification.
So I didn't know until he called me to tell me he got his
results. I didn't get an e-mail or you
know, anything like that. So I'm not looking at my results
in in real time while he's looking at his, but I'm trying
to pull him up as I'm talking to him.
And that's when I realized like, OK, so it's true.
Everything that I went through, all of this, and he wasn't even
my biological father this entire time.
I'm so sorry, was that the first thought that you had about it?
That was my first thought, John said.
To me. He was like, you will always be
my cousin no matter what he said.
And it was in the most genuine way.
It wasn't like, oh, your dad's always your dad.
He, he was very meaningful when he said to me, like he actually
said, you're stuck with me for life.
He was very sweet about the whole situation.
But we hung up the phone and I, I literally fell to the ground.
I had a very, very physical reaction, of course, bawling my
eyes out and shaking even though I I kind of knew it's still.
It was so shocking. What did you do next?
Did you did you call your husband?
I completely like lost all track of time.
He called me in the morning. I did eventually call my
husband. He was the first person that the
only person that I called. I remember dropping to the
ground on the dining room floor and when my husband came home
from work, I was in the dining room.
I hadn't moved all day. I mean, I just, I, I stayed
there and cried like all day. I have no idea how long.
I don't know exactly what time he called me, but it was like
time stopped. And you know, all of the things
that I had been through, I never had a reaction like that.
What do you think it was? I think it was a combination of
and everything like it was like my life was flashing before me
and all of these horrible memories were flooding back.
And I'm like, why? Why did I have to go through all
of that? Because there's I could talk for
days about all of the horrible things we went through.
I mean, I, I just touched the surface and then the comment
when he said I left her and I came back, that suddenly was
like, is this what he was trying to tell me?
Was it right in front of me the entire time?
So then I, I felt, I almost felt dumb.
I was angry, I was sad, I was shocked.
I was, you know, I just felt everything.
All of the times where me and my brother were treated so
horribly, but yet the two girls were not.
You know, suddenly everything made so much sense, but it was
just so wrong. Do you think that your dad knew?
I thought for sure, Alexis, that he did.
I was convinced that that comment was almost him trying to
tell me without telling me directly.
And then I thought, well, they put my brother in foster care.
I was pretty much out of the house when I was 15.
And then he had no problem telling me to get out when I was
18 and never talking to me again.
So, you know, I was like, well, he just wanted to get rid of me
because he knew I wasn't his. Like he had to have known.
And I will tell you that I did end up calling him.
It wasn't that day, wasn't even that month.
It took me probably 6 or more weeks before I got the courage
up to call him. Because mind you, this is the
first time that I've called him in 15 plus years.
But I thought, I don't have a relationship with him, but I
think he deserves to know. Even if he already knows, he
deserves to know that I know. So I did.
And I fully expected him to one of two things, say, yeah, I knew
it, leave us alone. Or I thought he might be angry
that I like, blew his cover. I thought for sure he'd be
angry. But that wasn't the case.
I shouldn't say he wasn't angry. He didn't show any anger, but he
wasn't angry at me. If he was angry, he was probably
angry at my mother. But he didn't show any anger.
He actually, when I called, he got dead silent.
And Tammy was on the phone as well and she said, Deanna, just
give him a minute. He doesn't know what to say
right now. And I could hear him getting
choked up. And he actually was crying.
And this is a man who the only emotion I've ever seen from him
was anger. We had been through so much, but
now he's crying. And it didn't make any sense to
me. I was so confused by his
reaction. But he swears he didn't know.
He says he had no idea. I mean, it's, it's like you can
see both sides of it, right? Because he was so young that if
he really suspected that you weren't his, it would have been
a very easy out at that age. And you know, to take two kids
and and move in. But at the same time, his
treatment of you, it must just be so confusing to try to
rationalize like what he was thinking.
So confusing. I do think, I genuinely believe
that he didn't know. I don't think it would be worth
his energy at this point to try to, you know, cover it up or so
I, I do genuinely believe that he didn't know.
And I think it was his reaction, right?
Like his, I mean, the silence went on for minutes.
He was just completely shocked. So it was it, it was very
confusing because I did not expect that at all.
And Tammy was very, I don't want to say nonchalant that kind of
like it was almost like, oh, this is great news.
You know, that's that was her demeanor was like, Oh, well,
it's OK. Yeah.
Does he say anything else? Like how does that conversation
end? I think the biggest question
was, well, how? Like how did you find this out?
So I explained to them me taking ADNA test and what prompted me
to do that. And then their next question
was, well, do you know who it is?
And at this point in time, it did not know.
So I, I told them that like, no, I, I don't know who it is.
I, I hope I can figure it out, but that's pretty much where we
left it. What?
Hey, I just wanted you to know, sorry, I don't have any other
information to give you at this point in time, but this is what
I do know. And that was pretty much where
we left it. Have you talked to them since?
I went home for Easter last year.
My entire family, like his side of the family, who I'm, you
know, they're still my family to me and vice versa.
The entire family went out for Easter dinner together.
So we did briefly talk but it was so awkward and, and it
always has been the the couple of times that I've seen him at
family holidays over the years, which they were very few and far
between. What happens next?
I assume that you were on a path to find who your biological
father was, but did you wait or did you immediately jump into
it? I immediately jumped in and I
will say I had no idea what I was doing.
So in fact, I started like through this subscription.
I knew just from Googling other names and stuff in this cousin
search, I realized that there were like yearbooks out there.
And so I had typed in, I think my mom's name.
And I went through the yearbook, the year where, where she was a
sophomore, the year that I was born essentially.
And I, I managed to find one of her yearbooks and I went through
the entire sophomore, junior and senior classes.
And I, I, this was my strategy. I was like, I'm just going to go
through and I'm going to look for Greek names, which to be
honest, Alexis, I didn't even really know what a Greek name
looked like. I had one name and it was, I had
a match to a second cousin. That was the only name I had to
go off of and then a couple other like very distant cousins.
So I was like, OK, well, I'll, I'll look for like this one name
that I know. Of course that name was not in
there at all. But that was my strategy.
I'm like, I'm going through this yearbook, anyone that my mom
could have had relations with, and I'm just writing down names
that are like. Different, I guess, you know,
not Smith or something that I don't know.
I, I really didn't know what I was doing.
And I go through the whole entire yearbook and I have a
total of five names and I'm looking at these names.
I don't know what I'm going to do with this.
Like I, I don't know what I'm thinking.
This isn't going to get me anywhere.
And then I ended up crossing off like two of the names anyways
because I realized like they're definitely, I think like one was
Italian. I don't even know what the other
one was, but I have, I have three names.
I'm like, well, what am I going to do with this?
So this strategy is not going to work.
And you know, I had mentioned Danny's podcast.
So I had been listening to that all, you know, over these
couple, couple of months. And one of her episodes was
actually about an NPE. And that was the first time that
I had heard that term. So it was a month or so after
this happened to me. I didn't know this community
existed. I didn't know this was a thing.
I had no clue until that podcast episode, which is why I brought
that up. And so once I heard the term
NPE, then I got on Facebook and started like looking for support
groups and things. And that's how I came across the
DNA Angels. So I did reach out to the DNA
Angels. Unfortunately, they weren't able
to track him down, but they did give me some good pointers.
They were very helpful. And just with the process in
general, but they had suggested, well, you have this second
cousin, why don't you reach out to them and see if they will get
their parents to test? And that's like target testing
so that you can kind of narrow some things down.
I didn't feel comfortable doing that.
I'm just intimidated by stuff like that.
And I don't know who these people are.
I didn't want to, I just was very uncomfortable with it.
But a family member of mine, my new family, they own a
restaurant in my hometown. One of my uncles frequently went
there. They had had like high school
breakfast reunion type things there.
They would like have class breakfast.
And so he said to me like, Hey, if you want I I would be more
than happy to talk to the owners and just let them know the
situation, let them know what happened and maybe they'll get
in contact with you. So the DNA angels had at least
given you enough information that you were able to determine
that the family owned a restaurant in in your hometown.
You just were not able to get specific information about who
your biological father was. But that's a big that's a big
clue. Yes, yes, OK.
That was a big clue. And I ended up coming across a
an obituary that was very telling.
And so this is all, all of these things are kind of happening
like simultaneously. And so I do find this obituary
and it lists everyone's names, their spouses, their children's
names and their locations. So it turns out that the
majority of my family is actually still in Greece.
And I think that's why we were having such a hard time in the
DNA Angels, because a lot of my family is actually still in
Greece. My grandmother and her sister,
she comes from a family of seven siblings, and only one brother
and one sibling ever migrated here.
Everyone else is still in Greece.
And it happens to be that her sister is the one who owns the
restaurant and she has three boys.
Two of them have children and their boys are who I matched
with on Ancestry. OK, as first as second cousins,
2nd cousins. OK, wow.
And and we sit, we hear it all the time.
Obituaries are the key. Published obituaries really get
you where you're going. OK, All right.
So, so your your uncle offers to go and talk to the owner of the
restaurant. What happens then?
Yeah. Well, he offered.
I did not take him up on his offer right away.
I think I was still trying to process everything.
I was like, I want to try to figure out more.
And through this obituary, I was able to map out.
I mean, I was like a crazy woman, Alexis.
I had poster boards in my room with sticky notes and I was like
moving them all around. And I mean, I was a mad woman
for weeks and weeks and weeks on end.
I would stay up until 3/4 in the morning some days just reading
through stuff online and writing down all of these names and
trying to match things. And somehow I this obituary,
like I said, was really telling. But I had come across it a
couple of times before I fully dissected it.
So I finally get to a name and I did it through process of
elimination because my grandmother, who I don't know at
the time that this she's my grandmother, but her and her
sister were the only two with ties to my hometown.
Their other sibling did migrate to Pennsylvania, but a different
town a couple hours away. And so process of elimination
told me that it couldn't be those three brothers that I just
referenced because their children were my second cousin.
So I knew it wasn't any of them that could be my father.
So that left one person, my grandmother, and sure enough,
she had one son. So that made it pretty easy.
So I narrowed it down that way. And during all of this, my birth
certificate, father and his wife, more so his wife Tammy,
she was reaching out to me pretty often.
I mean, there was definitely an uptick in how much she was
contacting me because she wanted to know what was going on.
And I had said to her, I texted her and I said I think I may
have figured something out. And she had responded, well, I'm
at dinner. It was her father's birthday.
So they were at a birthday dinner.
And she said, I'll text you when we get home.
But I had sent the name. And so she gets home later that
evening and get a text message from her.
And she was like, how did you land on that name?
So I kind of explained it. And she said, well, I let your
dad know my birth certificate father.
And now that you say that name, he recalls being told by a
female friend of his that your mother was messing around with
this person while she was dating your father, my birth
certificate father. So I was like, interesting.
And then she proceeds to send me a yearbook photo of him.
And this is the first time I had seen any pictures.
And Alexis, as soon as I saw the picture, I I knew immediately
that I was right. I look just like it.
Wow, how did that feel to to have that validated in that
moment? It was a huge relief because I
had spent weeks and weeks and weeks and, you know, I'm in this
fog and I am so just clueless about everything that's going
on. And I'm so confused.
And to see someone that looked like me because as someone who's
half Greek, growing up with a German family of, you know, fair
skin, freckles, blue eyes, green eyes, red, you know, red hair,
like I looked nothing like my family.
And that was the first time I'd seen anyone that I look like.
I don't look like my mom either. Did you suspect at all?
I mean, I know it was a complete surprise to you, but growing up,
did you ever have any thoughts of am I related to these people
or anything like that? So it's funny because I always
thought I always looked different.
I, I felt different. I never once thought there's no
way I'm not related to them. That never crossed my mind.
And to be honest with you, I think a lot of my doubt, we'll
call it, stemmed more so from just how controlling my father
was. You know, I didn't have any
confidence in myself. And so I always thought like,
you feel like you don't fit in because it wasn't just with my
family. Like I had a hard time with
friends and fitting in at school.
And I always just chalked it up to being had no confidence in
myself period. So I always felt like an outcast
no matter where I was. OK, that yeah, that makes sense.
And and also you were kind of able to explain it away because
you've learned about your mom. And it was like, there were all
these little things. Yeah.
OK. Yeah.
OK. So you figure out who he is.
What happens next? So then I take my uncle up on
his offer and he goes there and I had sent him some photos I'd
picked out, you know, kind of photos at all stages.
And so I was like, OK, I gave him like a handful of photos
just so they had something to look at and maybe they could see
it themselves. And also to have that, like,
human touch. I feel like reaching out over
the phone or even an e-mail. You just never know these days
with like, scams and frauds. And, you know, and I just didn't
feel comfortable doing any of that.
So I thought maybe this is a better way.
He can talk to them face to face.
He can show them my text message.
He can show them photos and it actually went pretty well.
None of the brothers were there, but one of the wives who also
runs a restaurant, he talked to her and she said, OK, I will
reach out to my father's name is They call him Bill.
And and so she said, I'll reach out to Bill's mom and I'll let
her decide how to handle this. So this was on a Saturday and
that Monday morning I got a phone call from my grandmother
and the rest is history. I mean, that was the beginning
of our relationship. That was in October of 2022.
So we've been in touch ever since.
I've, I've only had the opportunity to go back home and
meet her one time, but I, I did get that and I also got to meet
my aunt, her son. So I have a cousin and I also
found out in this process that I have another an older half
sibling but he was not married to her mother either and got to
meet them as well. I have not been able to meet my
father. The reason that they went to my
grandmother instead of directly to him is because he is dealing
with some mental health issues. He's just not in a good place
and they didn't know if he would be able to handle like this kind
of news because obviously it's big news.
And my grandmother actually didn't even tell him for the
first month or so of us talking. It was just me and her.
I was kind of a a secret, if you will.
Was she excited? Like what was her reaction when
you started talking to her? She was excited.
She was a little apprehensive, but I understand that.
But she was very excited. She was very happy.
Like most Greek people, huge family.
She comes from a huge family. She's very family oriented and
so she was just ecstatic. That's amazing he knows about
you now. He does my SO.
My grandmother ended up telling my aunt within probably a month
or so. I would say she didn't want to
tell anyone at first and not because she was embarrassed or
ashamed or anything like that. I think she just, I think she
was processing it herself too. And she was of course protective
of, of my father, but she couldn't like she couldn't
contain her excitement. So she ended up telling my aunt
and my aunt said, you know, mom, I understand you wanting to
protect Bill, but he deserves to know.
And so she ended up telling him from what my aunt says, he took
it pretty well. Like he was shocked.
He had no idea my, my mother never said anything to him.
So it was a surprise to him. He asked questions.
He was, you know, curious about me.
He saw the pictures of me. And so that made me feel a
little better, I think to know that he, even though he's not in
a place where he has the capacity to talk to me today, I
think just knowing that he had some level of curiosity, he
didn't just write it off. And he confirmed that he dated
my mom. And so that was very, I think it
was good for everyone to hear that coming from him.
So it was validating for, you know, all of us.
Yeah. That's really awesome.
OK, so you've met your grandmother, you've spent time
with your family when you've gone home.
Yeah. How does it feel to have that
newfound biological connection? Yeah, it feels really, really
good. I'm just taking it one day at a
time. It it the hardest part is being
so far away because I do really feel like if I were back home, I
would probably have the best connection with them because you
just meeting them, it felt so natural.
I didn't it didn't feel weird. We connected right away and my
grandmother and I are so much alike.
It's funny. We get on the phone and I just
have so much fun talking to her. We literally just chat like 2
old ladies you know? Like I really enjoy talking to
her, so I'm very thankful for that and I just wish that I was
closer. I don't mean to bring it back
down, but I'm curious if your mother ever learned about the
truth through a roundabout way, because I know you don't have
contact. I so I do not have contact.
However, I did reach out to her because I did my whole list of
names in the yearbook and I was like, this is not going to get
me anywhere. So I'm talking to my husband and
he was like, Dan, I think the only person who knows the real
truth is your mother. Like, you have to ask her.
And I'm like, well, how do I even do that?
I haven't spoken to her in years.
I don't know where she's at. I don't even know if she's alive
at this point. Like, who knows what happened to
her? And so I ended up, again, doing
research on her because she had since moved.
She wasn't dating the guy that she was with.
Whenever I met her in my college years, she had been married.
So she had a different last name.
I did track her down. I found her on Facebook.
I did message her. And I let her know, like, hey, I
got these DNA results. Michael isn't my biological
father. Can you tell me who?
And it didn't get me anywhere. Nothing has changed with her.
She's still her. You know, she tried to tell me
that she had no idea, which maybe she truly didn't.
I believe that she was such a mess.
And so I, I, I don't think that it was an intentional thing that
she had, but she just made it seem like he was the only, it
could have only been him. Well, then eventually she said,
well, OK, it could have only been one other person.
She said his name was John. I'm like, it's not John.
I know that I didn't give her a whole lot of information upfront
because I was really hoping that she would be able to tell me.
So I didn't tell her that I knew it was a Greek man.
And then eventually I did tell her that.
And she was like, I think your results are wrong.
I've never been with a Greek man.
You know, just deny, deny, deny, deny.
And the typical things, I had messaged her in August I believe
she didn't respond. I messaged her again in
September, she didn't respond. So then finally I messaged her
in October once I figured all of it out and she never even read
that message. So I just that was it.
She just stopped responding to me.
I'm curious about how you've handled the what ifs because
you've had such a hard life. You've had a lot of really hard
things happen in your life, and then you meet this boisterous
Greek family who's really welcoming to you.
On the other hand, you learned that your father has some mental
health issues. Where are you at with the what
ifs that I feel like so many of us struggle with?
Yeah, I honestly still am really struggling with that,
specifically with missing out on my Greek family because I at
this point I've shared a little more information with my
grandmother. I'm not giving her every detail,
but I've shared enough that she understands just what you said.
But I had a rough upbringing and it breaks her heart.
I almost have to stop myself from saying anymore to her
because she cries and she gets so upset and she always
apologizes and I tell her it's it's not your fault.
But she says if I would have known, I would have taken care
of you. You know, we would have loved
you in. And I know that they would have.
I know it would have been a totally different situation.
And I think that's the hardest part.
You know, I'm not saying the grass is always greater on the
other side. They had their struggles too,
but as far as just feeling loved, I know I would have had
that with them even if it wasn't through my father because he has
struggled for a long time, pretty much ever since him and
his ex-wife got divorced. That was the beginning of his
downward spiral and that was like I think like 17 years ago.
So it's been a long time. OK.
So I may not have had the relationship with him, but I
know I would have had that closeness with the rest of my
family and it would have been a whole different dynamic.
Yeah, I'm just so sorry that you've been through so much.
Have you begun exploring this newfound Greek heritage that you
have? Is it something that you feel
like you connect to? And how are you doing that?
I do. I have started taking lessons on
Duolingo, so I'm trying to learn a little Greek.
My grandmother will and I call her ya ya because that you know
that's grandma in Greek and she'll always say, you know one
or two words here and there in Greek.
So I and I asked her to try to like teach me some things.
I have always loved Mediterranean food in general
and so, but now I've incorporated more like I'll try
new recipes, new Greek recipes at home.
I'm actually going to cook a traditional Greek Easter dinner.
So I'm not Greek Orthodox, but I do want to start incorporating
some of those types of traditions into our family.
And I've talked to my husband about that and he's totally fine
with that. He's Catholic, and he comes from
a strong Catholic background, and our daughters go to a
Catholic school, but he's very open and understanding and
willing to, you know, honor some of those traditions and things.
And so, yeah, just slowly incorporating some of those
things into our lives. And I talked to my girls about,
I mean, they're so young, they have no idea about my story, but
they got to meet. Yeah.
When we went home last year and
to see that, it was one of the coolest things about all of
this. My youngest daughter, she, she's
not shy, but she wants what she wants when she wants it.
And she can be very particular and she's not always the warmest
child, if you know what I mean. Like she's a little rebellious.
And, and so we went over there and they warmed up to her right
away. My oldest is shy and she was not
shy. It was almost like to them, it
felt like home also. So that was so cool to see.
And then when we went to leave Ava, my youngest, I mean, she
just lost it. She was bawling her eyes out and
she said, I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave.
And they had just met this woman and that was something that just
I'll never forget that. And so we talk about mommy's
mommy is Greek and you know, I teach them just random Greek.
I'm by no means close to being fluent, but I'm just trying to
kind of them so that the older they get when they start to
understand they realize as well. Yeah.
And you have such very close ties to Greece.
Do you have any plans or is it on your list that you want to
get over? There for sure, for sure and
it's always been on my list. Like that's the crazy thing.
I feel like Greece has been a popular destination more
recently, but long before. I've always wanted to go to
Greece, always. And I never really knew why it
stuck out to me. I mean, now I know why.
When I was in college, I worked at a Greek restaurant in my
hometown as well. And so it was just so funny.
It wasn't their restaurant, but it's just, you know, looking
back, it's so funny to me how close it was.
You know, Speaking of the unthought known, right, But.
You know how I, I mentioned that I went through the yearbook and
it just started jotting down these random names and then I'm
like, what are you doing? Like, what are you?
What is this going to get you? So I had like, tossed that paper
aside and that's when I pulled out my poster boards and things
after I didn't get anywhere with my mother.
And I had come across this paper a few months later, and Alexis,
my father's name, is on that paper.
So you did find him initially. Yeah, I just, that gave me the
chills to then see his name because I honestly didn't
remember any of the names on that piece of paper.
It was just like a what am I even doing?
I have no clue. And then I come across this
paper again and I see his name and I'm like, holy shit, it was.
It was right in front of me all along.
So, so many of these stories, it's like a combination of
really hard work and luck. Wow, wow.
I wanted to ask you about your relationship with your older
sister. How is that going?
Do you talk to her regularly? I wouldn't say regularly, but we
do try to keep in touch. We have very different lives.
I've, I've got two young kids. She does not have any kids.
She's not married. And she works for a restaurant
and so she works late hours, you know, bartending and that sort
of thing. And so we do keep in touch.
She sends my girls Christmas gifts and, and we send birthday
gifts to each other and, and that sort of thing.
So it's been good. We're just, we're very
different, but we're also very similar in, in the most random
ways. I don't know that we'll ever be
like super, super close, but I think it's just because of how
different our lives are, you know?
Sure, sure. What about your brother?
Were there any questions about his paternity?
Pretty convinced that Michael is also not his biological father.
However do not know for sure. I was the one who told him about
my results when I called him. I did say if you want or have
any interest in taking ADNA test I will happily buy you the test
and send it to you. I can even get the results if
you're maybe nervous or afraid of what they might be.
And he, he said, OK, OK, you know, I'll think about it.
But he has not express any interest in doing that.
And I don't know for sure what's holding him back.
But, you know, you say I have had a rough life.
He's had it so much worse than me.
I've had therapy and I've had a solid support, you know, most of
my life to be able to process these things.
But I just don't know if he can handle it.
I don't know that he wants to know.
Yeah, totally understand what things have been helping you
through this experience. I think going to the conference
where I met you so early on, I think a lot of people were very
surprised. That one, I got a lot of
comments about how young I was, which you never know when you're
going to find this out, but going so early was very helpful
because at that point I had only been like six months into maybe
eight months into my journey of finding out.
It was, yeah, it was really fresh when we met.
Yeah. And so while it was very hard
because I, I did, I came out of that and I was like, wow, that
was a lot. But it was also super helpful to
have that kind of network so early on and all of the tips and
advice that they gave and all of the workshops.
I mean, it was just a tremendous amount of information and
knowledge that was incredibly helpful.
Of course, therapy, I've been leaning a lot into the physical
side of it, you know, movement, sunshine, exercise and and then
just having my kids has been so life changing as well.
That's been healing for me too. Because now, and this might
sound strange, but I see myself in them as children and I think
it has helped make me a better parent because I know what
little Deanna went through and I don't want them to go through
that. And so just knowing that I'm
doing my best and obviously I'm not perfect, but knowing that
I'm doing my best to break those cycles helps me as well.
And then, of course, talking about it.
Yeah, with our little ones, it, it's an opportunity to re parent
ourselves in a way because like you said, you you see little
Deanna and now you get a chance to parent yourself the way that
you wanted to be parented. So I, I wasn't sure if you
wanted to talk because I saw your Facebook post that you just
celebrated 100 days sober. What's your story there?
So I was not on the same path as I was in college, you know,
since having kids drinking, I, you know, cut back tremendously.
However, it was still, I would say interfering and and not in
the way of like AI was not a functioning alcoholic.
But I would still turn to the class of wine when I had a hard
day. Because as you know, this
process, you have days and sometimes weeks where you're in
a funk, you're in this groove and, you know, I couldn't get it
off my mind. And so I would want to have a
glass of wine or sometimes a bottle of wine.
And I just realized, like, this is not healthy.
And more importantly, it's not helping me.
I think it was making me more anxious, more depressed about
the situation. And it I just wasn't the best
version of myself for myself or my kids or my family.
And so I decided, you know, if I'm going to get through this, I
really need to lean in and face it.
And not just the DNA surprise, but all of the trauma of my
past. I suppressed everything for
almost my entire life up until I had children.
And it wasn't until I had Parker that I really realized how much
it affected me and how deeply it affected me 'cause I had never,
I just never faced it. I think it was a combination of
everything and me wanting to, you know, just say like it's
time to face everything and stop numbing yourself and just get
through it and to be more present for myself, for my
girls. You know, I, I just wanted to be
more present in life and, and actually it, it, it sounds crazy
like when you say you actually want to feel your feelings, but
I did. I I knew that that was the only
way to truly get through it and come out on the other side of a
better version of myself. So in your case, it sounds like
neither of your parents really knew, but I'd still love for you
to share any advice that you have for a parent who might be
keeping adna surprise from their child I.
Think the truth is ultimately what they should give their
child or children, but think even before that, whatever is
holding them back, I think they need to take the time to address
that and get to the root cause. Because a lot of times we hear
that it's, you know, guilt or shame or fear or, you know,
there's a religious aspect or having a child out of wedlock or
infidelity or whatever it may be.
Whatever it takes to address that so that they can be at
peace with their feelings or their decisions that cause those
feelings or the secret, go to therapy.
What you know, whatever it is, it's going to help them because
I think 1, they're going to need help with getting through that
themselves. And two, it will make them a
better person. And three, I think it'll make
the conversation with their child or children more fruitful
and more meaningful. If you can say, hey look, I
messed up or this happened, but I'm I'm also doing this to heal
myself as well. And what advice do you have for
someone who just uncovered Adna surprise?
Gosh, that's such a hard question because there's so many
things, but I have kind of lived by grace and space is what I
say. I give myself a lot of grace to
navigate this and what I found out and everyone is different,
but for me, it was so shocking. And I actually kind of took a
step back from pretty much from life, if you will.
I mean, I still had to be a parent.
I still had to go to work, but I took space from friends, from
family to process, to heal, to, you know, think about what I was
going to do next. So I think just give yourself
the grace and the space that you need and the way you need it and
when you need it because it comes and it goes.
You have good months, good weeks, good days, but then you
also have bad ones. And sometimes you need to kind
of step back and give yourself that space.
More really good advice. Thank you, Deanna, thank you so
much for coming on and sharing your incredible story and just
being so vulnerable and open about all of the things in your
life that have happened, the good and the bad.
And I just want to congratulate you for being a cycle breaker as
you parent your daughters and take care of yourself as well.
Thank you, Alexis, that means a lot.
And thank you for giving me the platform and the opportunity and
thank you for doing this. I know it's not easy for you and
it's a lot of time and love and passion that you put into this
and it's it has helped me heal tremendously.
I mean, I listen to your podcast, among others, and I can
honestly say it's probably one of the best things for all of us
that need it. So, you know, thank you for
giving us the space. Thank you so much.
Thanks again to Deanna for sharing her story.
We will be back in September with more DNA surprises.
We will also be celebrating the 100th episode of this podcast
and I have some surprises and updates in store for you.
Take care of yourselves until next time.
This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced, and edited
by me, Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.