1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,560 I don't believe in making up for time lost. 2 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,800 I don't think you can. I don't think that you can take, 3 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:12,800 you know, 45 years of, of life and somehow get that back. 4 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:18,800 What I do think is the time that we're spending together now is 5 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:25,120 so important and it is something that is just so special to me. 6 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:31,040 But it's also, I'm in my 50s and they're in their 40s and life 7 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:34,360 has happened and we grew up without each other and we're 8 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,000 getting to know each other. And I don't think it's something 9 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,320 you can rush. Even though I jumped in with 10 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:43,120 both feet. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a 11 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:46,520 podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA 12 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:50,120 discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis ourselves. 13 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:56,160 In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out 14 00:00:56,160 --> 00:01:01,000 that I'm an N P/E, a person who has experienced a non paternal 15 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,319 event. In other words, my biological 16 00:01:04,319 --> 00:01:06,600 father isn't who I thought he was. 17 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:12,360 Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and 18 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,880 donor conceived people and their families. 19 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:18,880 Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin 20 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:24,200 with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises. 21 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:30,440 When someone opens up their DNA test results, the outcome isn't 22 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:36,600 always an explosive surprise. Sometimes it takes a while of 23 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,920 pulling at a thread before truth is unravelled. 24 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,800 In this week's episode, Christine shares how her 25 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:47,480 curiosity about one of her ethnicity results led to her 26 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:52,200 shocking discovery that her dad isn't her biological father. 27 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:57,360 But in another twist, even after finding out the truth about her 28 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:01,720 paternity, the mystery about her ethnicity remained. 29 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,400 Christine discusses both of these DNA surprises and how 30 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,320 they've affected her relationships. 31 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:13,000 She also shares how her surprise has transformed her perception 32 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:17,400 of herself for the positive. Thank you for sharing your 33 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:22,120 story, Christine. My name is Christine, I AM 54 34 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:26,920 years old and I was born, raised and currently live in upstate 35 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,920 New York. A little bit of background about 36 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:34,480 my raised family. I knew quite a bit about my 37 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,360 mother's side of the family and the family tree. 38 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:43,480 I grew up with my great aunts. One of them came from what is 39 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:47,920 today the Slovak Republic. They spoke Slovak around us. 40 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:54,040 I have memories, real hard memories of being around them 41 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:58,720 and knowing about my history. On my mother's side, we have a 42 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,720 family Bible. I knew quite a bit about my 43 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:06,000 grandparents, my great grandparents coming from that 44 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:10,600 part of the world. And on my dad's side, I didn't 45 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,360 really know too much beyond my grandparents. 46 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:20,000 Our family name is fairly unique and there was always discussion 47 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:26,160 about where the name came from, our origins, and so there was 48 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:31,800 always questions around where we came from, England, Ireland, 49 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:37,320 even Germany. I was always curious about my my 50 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,160 background. I'm a history teacher. 51 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:43,240 I've been teaching for 29 years and I always tell my students, 52 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,880 if you don't know your own history, it's hard to understand 53 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,160 other people's histories. I just have always been 54 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:53,360 fascinated with it. My story really for me begins in 55 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:59,080 2010 when a distant relative contacted me from my dad's side. 56 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,960 He did it through Facebook. He said that he had a complete 57 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,600 family tree of my dad's side of the family. 58 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:10,400 And I was ecstatic because I really didn't know a lot beyond 59 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:14,280 my grandparents. We communicated on Facebook, we 60 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,839 sent emails back and forth. We shared pictures. 61 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:20,760 He gave me photographs of distant relative. 62 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:27,520 He shared the extensive family tree with me and I was just so 63 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:32,560 happy to to get this information and I decided to share it with 64 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:36,840 my dad. And my dad's reaction was you 65 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:39,720 need to be careful with this person, you don't know who they 66 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,400 are. At first I wasn't totally 67 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:47,440 surprised with his response because he's a fairly closed off 68 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:52,200 person in that he doesn't share his feelings and he's very 69 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:57,840 suspicious of people. So I continued to have contact 70 00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:01,320 with this relative. I shared the information with my 71 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:07,120 dad as much as I could and I just went by what this person 72 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:12,400 was telling me about the the family tree and I kind of filed 73 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:15,720 it away. Something happened between this 74 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:19,120 distant relative and I and it got a little weird and so I cut 75 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,760 off contact with him, but I still had all of the 76 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,440 information. I had given it to my dad and I 77 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:30,840 also gave it to my brother. I have two older sisters from my 78 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:34,720 mother's first marriage and growing up we always knew that 79 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:38,080 we were half siblings. And then I have my younger 80 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:43,680 brother from my mom and my dad and I shared this information 81 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:49,480 with my younger brother because he and I were whole siblings and 82 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,840 he didn't really think much of it at the time. 83 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,280 My dad and I never really talked about it. 84 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:59,120 And again, I didn't think it was that unusual, but I did have it 85 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:02,600 and I set it aside. And that was in 2010. 86 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:09,800 My dad's side of the family and our family had a falling out in, 87 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,720 gosh, the 1990s, we had a falling out. 88 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:17,720 And I was always very, very close to my my dad's parents. 89 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:21,840 My dad is one of six children. I'm one of 18 cousins. 90 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,560 And I grew up around my grandparents on my dad's side. 91 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,640 Every weekend, my dad would put us in the car, my brother and 92 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,480 me, we would go to my grandparents. 93 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,320 We would spend the whole day there. 94 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,360 I really loved my grandparents and I was very, very close to 95 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,120 them. I was very connected to that 96 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:41,120 side. And so when the rift happened in 97 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:45,320 our family, it really devastated me. 98 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:49,440 And I was in my late teens. And so we stopped talking with 99 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:52,760 them. We had no contact and for many 100 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:58,760 years without 15 to 20 years. Fast forward the late 90s, my 101 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:03,840 both of my grandparents died and we went to their funerals and 102 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,760 came into contact with my cousins again. 103 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:10,960 And from there, we slowly began to communicate with each other 104 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,120 again. We we, we wound up coming back 105 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:18,960 together as a family around 2014. 106 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:23,000 So about four years after I had received this information of the 107 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:24,880 family tree from this distant cousin. 108 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:31,400 And so we went to weddings. We were invited to celebratory 109 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,040 events that were happening in each other's lives. 110 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:38,520 And so we were back together. And I felt so much better about 111 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,840 where I was with respect to that family. 112 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:45,800 I never told anyone about the family tree history because my 113 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,920 dad really didn't seem very interested. 114 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:52,120 So I just again put it on the back burner and just kind of 115 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:56,960 forgot about it. Fast forward to 2019, I decided 116 00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:01,760 to purchase a 23 and E kit. And I've racked my brain about 117 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:05,200 why I bought the kit. It's been over three years since 118 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:10,680 my discovery and I've had time to really process and think, and 119 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:15,560 for the life of me I really don't have a definitive reason 120 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,480 for buying the kit. The only thing I can think of is 121 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:24,120 that I had this family tree from about 8 to 9 years ago and 122 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:29,680 although my name was on it and I saw the information, I was still 123 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,320 curious. I'm just curious about people. 124 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,799 I'm curious about where people come from and I think this might 125 00:08:36,799 --> 00:08:39,440 sound strange. I think on a like almost like on 126 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:44,120 a cellular level going back to when I was a little kid, I just 127 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,160 always felt a little bit different. 128 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:50,840 When you say that that feeling was like on a cellular level, 129 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,520 did you ever think to yourself, I don't feel like I fit in? 130 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,880 I did. I was always very emotional. 131 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:01,240 I'm still very emotional. I would get made fun of for 132 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:04,280 that. And I don't want to speak poorly 133 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,920 of my raised siblings at all. I'm best friends with one of my 134 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:12,360 sisters, but I was always very emotional. 135 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,080 I always took things very personally. 136 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:19,000 I cried a lot as a kid and none of my siblings did. 137 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:23,120 And to look at us, I don't stand out that much. 138 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:27,280 I'm a little bit taller, I'm a little bit longer, I have bigger 139 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:32,160 feet, but I don't look that much different than my two sisters 140 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,400 and my brother. But I did always feel a little 141 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:40,000 bit different. But again, is that hindsight? 142 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:45,560 Because once you find out that you are an NPE, for me anyway, 143 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,840 I'm looking back with a much different lens. 144 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:51,480 And I don't know if that's fair to the people in my life, but I 145 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,440 am doing that. For sure. 146 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,800 I think that's natural. That's natural. 147 00:09:56,200 --> 00:10:02,320 So you get this 23 andme test out of curiosity, maybe on some 148 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:06,400 level wondering if you're going to uncover anything. 149 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:12,000 Yes, I send in my sample. And during that time in 2019, my 150 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,560 husband and I were getting ready to sell our house. 151 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,840 We were in the process of building a house. 152 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,720 And so a lot of time went to that and life happens. 153 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,520 And so we were just very, very busy. 154 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:31,240 And when I got the results, I wasn't super eager to get them. 155 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:36,160 I don't recall. And when I opened them with the 156 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:40,080 23 me interface that shows you that pie right, of your 157 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:46,080 ethnicity, and at the top I saw Irish and I thought, OK, that 158 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,760 makes sense. It was Irish and English. 159 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,320 I think it's about 50 some percent. 160 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:54,240 I don't recall looking at anything else. 161 00:10:54,720 --> 00:11:00,800 So I think when I saw that, part of me was satisfied because of 162 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:05,200 the conversations that I had had with my dad about his side of 163 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,880 the family perhaps being Irish, English, German and also on my 164 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:15,040 mother's side of the family, my maternal grandfather was 165 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:19,040 Scottish and Irish. So I didn't think anything of 166 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,720 it. I closed it up and I forgot 167 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:28,160 about it and it wasn't until six months to a year later that I 168 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:32,840 revisited the results again. And I know that 23andMe and 169 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:37,320 Ancestry, they do updates and I'm not sure if they had done an 170 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:42,560 update, but when I opened it again, the Irish ethnicity was 171 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,480 the same. And I kept going and I kept 172 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:50,920 looking down and I saw Scottish ancestry and then I saw Italian 173 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:57,160 ancestry over 25%. And that's stop me in my tracks 174 00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:02,440 because nowhere throughout my life have had I ever heard 175 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:07,640 anything about being Italian. And that's what got my wheels 176 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:13,680 really spinning because my mother's side of the family, her 177 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:19,160 mother was from the Slovak Republic, my grandfather was 178 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:23,800 Irish and Scottish, and then my dad's side was Irish, English, 179 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:28,240 maybe German, never ever anything about the Italian 180 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:33,200 piece. So I screenshot my results and I 181 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,640 sent them to my mother. I guess I should say that my mom 182 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:41,200 and I throughout the years have had kind of a touch and go 183 00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:45,840 relationship, which I have listened to so many different 184 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,840 stories and it seems to sometimes be a common thread. 185 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:54,400 I sent her the screenshot and she said that she had no idea 186 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,480 about the Italian piece. There were a couple of other 187 00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:01,160 things in there, Ashkenazi Jewish that she said, oh maybe. 188 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:05,280 But the Italian piece she completely said, I have no idea 189 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,920 what that what that even means, where that could come from. 190 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:12,960 But on 23andMe it also shows you the date range of that ancestor, 191 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,080 right? It was between like the 8 late 192 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,800 1800s and the early 1900s. At the time I wasn't really 193 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:23,040 familiar with I. I feel I feel kind of stupid 194 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:28,640 saying this, but if it's over 25% it has to be a grandparent. 195 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:34,120 I don't know if I just was in denial that that could possibly 196 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:37,080 be true. Plus my mother denying that 197 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,120 there was any Italian on her side. 198 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:45,160 So I sent the information to my one sister and my brother and 199 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,760 they were just as perplexed. Again, we we chatted about there 200 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,720 not being any Italian in our family at all. 201 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:58,600 And so I just, I sat with it and I thought that this is just so 202 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,760 strange. That was 2019. 203 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:06,120 It could have been even 2020 because the wheels really came 204 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:10,160 off the bus in 2021. How are you making meaning of 205 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,760 the results? Were you just like? 206 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:18,040 I have no idea what this is. Or was there any part of you 207 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,280 that started to try to make things make sense, even if it 208 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,000 wasn't necessarily looking at a grandparent or something? 209 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:31,040 I I think that when I saw the Italian piece, I knew, I knew 210 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:36,000 that there had to be a, a very close relative that was 100% 211 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:40,000 Italian. I began to question what was 212 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,360 happening, but I think that my personality is, you know, I 213 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,560 wanted to just kind of go along. And if my mother tells me she 214 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,760 doesn't really know and she's kind of shutting me down, I 215 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:55,640 didn't want to really press the issue, but I did behind the 216 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:59,280 scenes with my siblings. I definitely was questioning 217 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:04,920 where that piece came from. My sister and I got talking and 218 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:09,560 our dad's birthday was coming up and this is now 2021. 219 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:15,120 So about a year and a half again had gone by and nobody's really 220 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:20,480 giving me any information. And so for my dad's birthday, I 221 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,640 said to my sister, why don't we buy him a kit? 222 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,680 Now I didn't really know where the Italian piece came from. 223 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,920 I didn't know if it was my mother's side, but I didn't 224 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,720 think it was my dad's side. I don't want to be 225 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:37,520 stereotypical, but nobody on that side looks Italian and I 226 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,000 know that there are lighter skinned, lighter eyed Italians, 227 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,880 but there was never any conversation about it on either 228 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:48,760 side. So I thought, well, maybe we can 229 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:52,240 get him to do it and just at least have a little bit more 230 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:55,240 information and put some pieces of the puzzle together. 231 00:15:55,720 --> 00:16:00,400 So she and I decided to buy him Adna kit and we did it through 232 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:05,080 23 and May. We sent it to his house and he 233 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:08,440 received it, but he never said he received it. 234 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,320 I was waiting for him to pick up the phone and say, hey, I have 235 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,480 the kit. We waited a little while until I 236 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,920 reached out to him and I said, did you receive the kit? 237 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,960 And he said, yes, but I'm, I'm not going to do it. 238 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,000 He kept saying those kits are social Now. 239 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,520 My, my dad is an engineer. He's a very, very smart man. 240 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:33,840 And he kept telling me that the information is incorrect. 241 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:40,400 And So what began was this back and forth between my parents and 242 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,360 me every time we would see each other and every time we would 243 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:47,280 get together, I would bring up the Italian piece. 244 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,840 I would bring up where is it coming from? 245 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:55,200 And my parents joked. My father started telling me 246 00:16:55,200 --> 00:17:00,200 that he was related to Columbus. And so my parents just dodged. 247 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,400 They dodged the questions. They weren't able to give me or 248 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,240 they weren't willing to give me any information that I could go 249 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,960 on. And I think what that did was it 250 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,440 just made me more curious. And it really was curiosity 251 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,560 still at this point. It was still just where did this 252 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:21,240 Italian piece come from? My parents again went back and 253 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,520 forth. At one point my mother said, oh, 254 00:17:23,599 --> 00:17:27,119 your dad will do it for you. And then it became He'll never 255 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:29,560 do it. Because it's social? 256 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,600 What do you think he meant by that? 257 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,000 Like, was that because he's worried that it's putting his 258 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,680 DNA into the world? He said that he didn't want his 259 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:42,520 DNA out there. A little bit paranoid, I think, 260 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,600 and my mother kind of agreed with him. 261 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,560 They just were unwilling to do it. 262 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:53,360 So I turned to my sister and my brother, and we kind of all 263 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:57,600 decided that we were going to do Ancestry. 264 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,640 And the reason why we decided to do Ancestry is because my sister 265 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,120 had an account through Ancestry, but she couldn't find any of her 266 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,120 information. So she kind of talked us into 267 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,360 Ancestry. And truth be told, in the 268 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,720 beginning I was annoyed because I'm like, I've already got my 269 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,360 DNA through 23 andme, why can't we do 23 andme? 270 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:20,960 Yeah, so but it proved to kind of put more pieces of the puzzle 271 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,800 together. So the summer of 2021 my 272 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:29,960 brother, my sister and I all sent our our DNA to to Ancestry. 273 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:35,280 We were waiting on this information and my parents had a 274 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,000 get together at their house, which they typically did. 275 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:42,440 It was a Sunday breakfast and it was maybe 3 weeks after my dad's 276 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:46,800 birthday. So we were at my parents and 277 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,360 there were some of us in the kitchen, There were some of us 278 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,800 in the living room. And I remember sitting at the 279 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:57,120 table across from my mother and my sister, her daughter, my 280 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,640 sister-in-law, her mother and my dad. 281 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:08,800 And the Italian piece came up. And I don't want to say who 282 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,520 brought it up because it's a little bit of an issue still 283 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:17,040 with with my siblings and I. And, but when I look at it, it 284 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,560 doesn't really matter who brought it up because it was 285 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,360 still out there. Nobody was able to give an 286 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:26,440 answer. And so it came up at breakfast 287 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:31,120 and the joke started flying. But I noticed that my mother was 288 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:36,160 becoming uncomfortable and my dad left the kitchen. 289 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,160 I don't know where he went in the house. 290 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:42,880 Things were said that can't be taken back. 291 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,240 And it happened also very quickly between my mother and 292 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,880 me. When my sister was talking about 293 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,760 the Italian piece. We started talking about you 294 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,880 know who. I don't even know how we did 295 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,840 this, why we were even talking about this, but just like who my 296 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:00,760 mother could have been with and I'm not sure why that the 297 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:05,000 conversation went there, but my mother was becoming very 298 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:11,880 agitated and she said to me not too loud so anybody could hear, 299 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:14,960 but my sister did hear. She she looked at me and said, 300 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,640 well, maybe you're not a insert my surname. 301 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:24,200 And I was very shocked. I said some not so nice things 302 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,360 back to her. And this would be something that 303 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,160 we debated who said what first because that's kind of our 304 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:34,120 relationship a little bit. And she stormed out of the 305 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,640 kitchen saying that she needed to go talk to my dad. 306 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,720 And everybody was left with their mouth again. 307 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,560 I mean, everybody was just very shocked that she had said this 308 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:48,360 to me. Yeah, you said before she said 309 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:53,120 this to you, there were jokes kind of flying around who she 310 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,080 might have been with or that kind of thing. 311 00:20:55,080 --> 00:21:00,880 So at this point, have you considered that maybe your dad 312 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,680 was someone else or your biological father was someone 313 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,040 else? Because earlier you mentioned 314 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:13,640 the the 25% Italian would equal 100% from a grandparent at that 315 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,520 point. Are you thinking like maybe my 316 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,440 mom's parents aren't one of them? 317 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:22,000 Isn't her her biological parent or did you go to your dad? 318 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,080 That's a great question. I was so confused. 319 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:30,080 I, I think I, I think I was beginning to think about my dad 320 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,640 and, and even though that might not make any sense because 321 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,360 again, 1/4 Italian would mean it would be a grandparent. 322 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:40,920 But the way that my my mother responded and the fact that she 323 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:46,640 said maybe you're not a blank, that made me go, well, maybe it 324 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,800 is my dad. When she said that, what what 325 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,080 did you think? How did you feel? 326 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:56,920 I was devastated. I couldn't believe she said it 327 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:02,760 and when she left the room I let it all out. 328 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,920 I was saying some really not nice. 329 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,040 Well not nice. I just said I'm, I'm not 330 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,120 tolerating this. I shouldn't be spoken to this 331 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,920 way. I was so shocked and my sister 332 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:19,840 tried to get me to stay and I just packed up all my things and 333 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:23,480 left and got in my car and called my husband and called my 334 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,840 cried my eyes out the entire way home. 335 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,160 I, I was just so shocked at that point I, I thought, OK, it's, 336 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,400 it's got to be my father. It's got to be my dad. 337 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:37,080 Even though looking back and, and if you have a macro 338 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,480 perspective, it really didn't make any sense. 339 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,720 It it because again, it would have been a grandparent, but 340 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,160 because she said what she said and, and Alexis, I have to be 341 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:50,200 very honest, she told me because she wanted to tell me. 342 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:55,880 I think that knowing what I know now, I think that it was a 343 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,960 burden that she was carrying for over 50 years. 344 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,800 And so it was, it was intentional that she told me. 345 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:08,720 So, So yes, after that I, I kind of said, I think it's probably 346 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,720 my dad. So my brother and sister and I 347 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,200 were waiting on, on the ancestry results. 348 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:17,680 My sister received her results about a week after this incident 349 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,040 at my parents. And I'm not talking to my 350 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,920 parents at this point, things are just very uncomfortable. 351 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:29,680 And my sister got her results. And I remember August 14th 352 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:34,600 receiving my results. I had it on my phone and I 353 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:38,640 remember opening it up because I had received an e-mail saying I 354 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,760 had my results. And I quickly looked at my 355 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:46,400 ethnicity. And then I went to close 356 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:52,000 relatives and I saw my sister at the top, the one that had taken 357 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:56,080 the test, and it showed that, you know, 1700 centimorgans, I 358 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:59,720 think. And then I immediately went down 359 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:04,480 this very short list to the last name, and it was my niece, her 360 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,680 daughter. And then my eyes kind of 361 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:12,720 refocused and I saw two people's names in the middle, and they 362 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,160 had a surname that I had never heard of. 363 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,720 One was a man and one was a woman. 364 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:24,680 And I knew then that these people had to be related to me 365 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,040 somehow. But I still was in denial. 366 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:31,760 I think I was still just who are these people? 367 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:36,360 Could they be distant relatives? I immediately told my husband. 368 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:41,800 I called my sister, I called my brother, and I said, there are 369 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:45,080 these two people that I I don't know who they are. 370 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:49,160 And so my husband was actually at work at the time. 371 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,440 I had either called him or texted him. 372 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:59,840 And within 30 minutes, my world turned upside down. 373 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:04,440 My husband found an obituary and sent it to me. 374 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:08,360 And the obituary was the same surname. 375 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,040 I was able to cross reference the two people on my list with 376 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,400 being 2 survivors of this person. 377 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:18,320 I realized that this person's obituary, this name is my 378 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:22,280 biological father. And so everything happened so 379 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,120 quickly. I was filled with so many 380 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:29,600 emotions. I was angry, I felt validated, I 381 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:33,360 felt everything at once. I've often described this 382 00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:37,480 journey as a bunch of moving parts, and yet I'm also a moving 383 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:42,600 part. And so I was devastated, but I 384 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:47,200 just jumped right in. My sister knew, my brother knew, 385 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,120 but we still hadn't received my brother's results. 386 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:57,480 And even though I was feeling what I was feeling and I knew 387 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:02,160 especially what I knew, I still wanted to see my brother's 388 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:05,240 results. I still in my mind and heart, I 389 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,320 just wanted to see what was going to happen when he popped 390 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,840 up on my relative list. As maybe silly as that sounds, 391 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:17,880 it makes perfect sense. Because when that rug is pulled 392 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,320 out from under you, you're just grasping for any bit of 393 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:25,640 information and anything that maybe tells you something to the 394 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:31,040 contrary, even though you know so totally understandable. 395 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:35,680 And and my whole life again, I knew that my my sisters were my 396 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:40,240 half sisters, but I always knew that my brother was my full 397 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:45,120 brother. And not that I put it, you know, 398 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,080 above anything, but it was just my identity. 399 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,280 My identity was I'm from a blended family. 400 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:55,000 I have two half sisters. My dad is a stepfather to them 401 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:59,600 and I have a full brother. It was a matter of days for my 402 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,560 brother to get his results. And when I, you know, saw it on 403 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,960 my phone, I saw my brother as as a half, you know, the center 404 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:11,560 Morgans for 1/2 sibling. And it confirmed what I already 405 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,960 knew. But I, I was more upset about 406 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:18,320 seeing that than anything else. Maybe because that was the last 407 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:22,200 thing I was holding on to. Because not that I ever thought 408 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:26,920 that the test was wrong or they got it mixed up or anything like 409 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,680 that, but I just wanted to hold on to that so tightly. 410 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:36,320 The Italian piece, though, was still not settled because on my 411 00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:41,720 biological father's side I had inherited my Irish and Scottish 412 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:47,800 ancestry, which I thought I had inherited from my mother's 413 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:53,000 father and my my dad's side. That makes sense. 414 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:58,120 So for your siblings, for your, for your brother, let's say did. 415 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:00,480 He have Italian. Show up, he did. 416 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,680 Yes, he had Italian and my sister had Italian. 417 00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:09,560 That's when I knew it wasn't from my biological father's 418 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,680 side. So the whole. 419 00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:16,920 Impetus for you questioning. Your DNA. 420 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:25,040 Your heritage, your parentage was this Italian piece, Yes, 421 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:25,640 but. That. 422 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:30,400 Was not actually the. Key to. 423 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:33,120 Your NPE. Wow. 424 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:36,840 It wasn't. About six months after, I 425 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,040 reached out to the two DNA angels and I gave them my 426 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:44,440 information. I shared my tree and I explained 427 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,880 there's this Italian piece. I don't get it, I don't know 428 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:52,320 where it's from. And within five days, they came 429 00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:59,440 back with information about my mother's father. 430 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:06,320 And my mother's father is not my mother's biological father. 431 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:12,800 So the Italian piece is, in fact, from my mother's side, and 432 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,120 it is my mother's biological father who was 100% Italian. 433 00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:24,800 And that just blew open doors for me to think about, 434 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,200 especially when I think she knew. 435 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:32,400 I think she's always known about her own status. 436 00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:37,240 She's an only child. She doesn't look anything like 437 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,200 my grandfather. She's short. 438 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:44,280 He was over 6 feet tall. They had a bit of a strange 439 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:49,440 relationship and that Italian piece all along was my mother. 440 00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:56,440 And so it's hard for me to wrap my head around, and I and I 441 00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:00,400 don't have confirmation, but I do believe in my heart that she 442 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:04,240 has always known about this. She was born in downstate from 443 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:08,080 where we live, in a community with a fairly large Italian 444 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,840 immigrant population. And my grandparents were married 445 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:15,200 for eight or nine years before my mother was born. 446 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:18,880 My grandfather served overseas. Turns out my biological 447 00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:20,960 grandfather also served overseas. 448 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:25,200 I don't know what transpired between my maternal grandmother 449 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:29,680 and my biological grandfather, but I am almost certain that my 450 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:31,240 mother knows. Did you? 451 00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:32,800 So front her. With this. 452 00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:39,160 Information No. I I've told my sister, I've told 453 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,320 my brother I have an older sister too. 454 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,320 I don't even know if I told my older sister. 455 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:50,200 I have really thought about what that would do if I were to to go 456 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,960 to her with that information. A little bit of back story. 457 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:56,880 When all of this happened with me, I wound up sending them a 458 00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:00,720 letter. I took screenshots of, you know, 459 00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:04,240 my biological brother and my biological aunt. 460 00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:08,520 I wanted to give them concrete evidence that this kid wasn't 461 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:12,080 social. I spent so much time trying to 462 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:16,360 convince them that what was happening was real and that this 463 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:21,160 was my experience, that going back and telling my mother, I 464 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,960 just think it would open up. I just don't know if it would 465 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,280 help. And our relationship right now 466 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:29,920 is pretty surface. I do see them. 467 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,680 We, we do spend some time together. 468 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:35,880 I've talked to my sister about it and she has said, you know, 469 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:38,360 maybe we should tell her, maybe we should confront her. 470 00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:41,520 I just don't know what it would. I don't think it would help 471 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:46,640 anyone. I know, I know that the kind of 472 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:49,920 impetus to all of this was this Italian piece. 473 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:54,840 And, and what I do think is she could have, she could have shut 474 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:57,040 it down. She could have said it's me. 475 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:01,560 And if she had said that, if she had said your grandfather that 476 00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:04,720 raised you is not my, is not your biological grandfather, not 477 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,000 my biological father. It was this other person. 478 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:11,040 I never would have continued going down the road. 479 00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:17,080 I went down. And again, I don't regret going 480 00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:23,520 down this road because I have 3 amazing brothers and two nieces 481 00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:30,440 and two nephews and two aunts and an entire family that I've 482 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:34,680 never known. And they've been wonderful and 483 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:41,320 caring and open and just so welcoming that and I don't 484 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:44,520 believe in, you know, blessings or anything like that. 485 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:48,800 But I think in a way, you know, from my sister wanting me to do 486 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:53,400 my brother and I to do the ancestry again, had we not done 487 00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:56,360 the ancestry, I wouldn't have found these people. 488 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,600 I wouldn't have found my family because they weren't on 23andMe. 489 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:05,920 And and my mother, you know, had she maybe said it's, it's me, 490 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:09,160 this is where the Italian is coming from, I never would have 491 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:14,440 found my family. So I feel very lucky that I have 492 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:19,560 found them, even though it's been difficult with my parents 493 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:23,400 and it's really changed the dynamics of my raised family. 494 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:28,760 But I feel so much better finding my brothers. 495 00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:32,600 How did you? Find them and connect when I. 496 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:37,120 Received my results on ancestry. It was within an hour. 497 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:43,000 My brother reached out to me and said, hey there, it looks like 498 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:47,720 we may be related and how knowing him now because it's 499 00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:52,720 been three years, he's not a big talker and it but it was sort of 500 00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:56,280 like, Oh my gosh, I guess I'm jumping in, I'm I'm doing this. 501 00:33:56,280 --> 00:34:00,280 And that's what I decided. We communicated back and forth 502 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:06,640 and we met about, oh gosh, maybe a month after the discovery. 503 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:12,000 I met him first and then I met my other brother. 504 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:14,719 Some of the brother I met is 7 years younger than I am. 505 00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:18,400 I met my brother who's nine years younger a little bit after 506 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:21,080 that. And then some time went by 507 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:24,159 before I met my, my brother who's 13 years younger than I 508 00:34:24,159 --> 00:34:28,000 am. So I've, I met them all fairly 509 00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:35,880 quickly. I am very close with two of them 510 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:39,080 that my, my youngest brother, he's he's got a teenager. 511 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:41,880 He's much younger than I am. He's at a different point in his 512 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:43,639 life. But we're still, we still 513 00:34:43,639 --> 00:34:47,400 connect. We still text my brother who is 514 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:51,440 7 years younger. He and I talk all of the time 515 00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:55,560 and my other brother as well. I don't believe in making up for 516 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,880 time lost. I don't think you can, I don't 517 00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:04,440 think that you can take, you know, 45 years of, of life and 518 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:10,280 somehow get that back. What I do think is the time that 519 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:17,040 we're spending together now is so important and it is something 520 00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:22,320 that is just so special to me. But it's also, I'm in my 50s and 521 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:26,640 they're in their 40s and life has happened and we grew up 522 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:29,520 without each other and we're getting to know each other. 523 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:32,240 And I don't think it's something you can rush, even though I 524 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,880 jumped in with both feet for sure for. 525 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:37,560 Sure. Have they been able to tell you 526 00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:41,240 anything about your biological father and what kind of person 527 00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:43,120 he was? Yes. 528 00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:46,080 Yes. They have shared so many stories 529 00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:48,760 with me. My biological father was a 530 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,520 police officer in the city in which we lived. 531 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:56,440 His parents actually lived less than a mile away from where I 532 00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:58,880 grew up. We were all very close. 533 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:03,640 We were all under each other's noses and the information that 534 00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:07,920 they've shared with me, I feel, I feel like I know him. 535 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:12,680 I feel like I, I was just telling my brother the other day 536 00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:16,440 that I love someone and respect someone I've never met. 537 00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:21,400 So they've they've been able to not only share stories, but my 538 00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:26,640 biological father took a lot of home videos and my one brother 539 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:31,360 had them digitized. And so I have video footage and 540 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:38,440 I have his voice and I have so many pictures and I look just 541 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:43,400 like him and, and that's something else I think many of 542 00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:45,720 us go through. Even though I said I didn't 543 00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:50,680 stand out looks wise, in my family there were always a few 544 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:56,120 things that stood out. And one of the things that I 545 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:59,360 think is important to share is everyone and their grandmother 546 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:03,200 told me how much I looked like my mother from the time I was a 547 00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:06,240 little kid. And not just looked like her, 548 00:37:06,240 --> 00:37:09,960 but mannerisms. And I never ever heard that I 549 00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:14,120 looked like my dad. And I wanted so much to look 550 00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:16,720 like him. I wanted so much for people to 551 00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:22,480 tell me that I looked like him. And the joke was my wrinkle over 552 00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:26,120 my left eye was like his and my toes. 553 00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:32,440 Not much, but I think. You know, going back to that 554 00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:35,840 cellular level, I just never heard that. 555 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:40,160 And I grew up being very close to my mother and, and not being 556 00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:43,400 close to my dad. And again, I've heard this, you 557 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:47,680 know, thread through people's stories, my biological father 558 00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:51,640 and I putting pictures next to each other. 559 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:55,080 It's incredible. It's just incredible how much we 560 00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,680 look alike. So the stories, the pictures, 561 00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:02,240 the fact that his two sisters are alive and have been able to 562 00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:06,840 share their stories with me, it it has helped. 563 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:09,920 It has really helped. Again, it doesn't make up for 564 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:15,080 because I don't think that's even something that can happen, 565 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,560 but they have been as helpful, I think as they can be. 566 00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:23,520 And they've just been so gracious with me and I just, I'm 567 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:25,800 sad that I haven't known them my whole life. 568 00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:27,880 I'm, I'm really, really sad about that. 569 00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:32,760 But I've had distance. It's been over three years and I 570 00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:37,840 think I'm in a much better place now than I was when I started 571 00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:42,320 this journey, even though things are still not super, super great 572 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,720 with my parents. But we've moved forward and and 573 00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:48,920 I've decided to move forward because hanging on to anger 574 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:51,960 doesn't do anybody and it doesn't do me any good. 575 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:54,480 What does? Moving forward, look like have 576 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:57,640 you ever had a conversation about the fact that you know who 577 00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:00,400 your biological father is and that you've connected with 578 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:03,480 family? Or is it we just don't talk 579 00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:05,120 about it? I did have a. 580 00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:09,160 Conversation with my parents shortly after we like we're 581 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:13,280 talking for a couple of weeks and after that two week period, 582 00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:17,480 I sat down with them. And it's interesting because I 583 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:21,320 used to be able to talk to my dad kind of by myself and now 584 00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:25,760 they're a united front. And they actually told my sister 585 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:30,480 when all of this was coming out. My mother said things like the 586 00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:33,800 brick wall is up. Your dad, your father and I are 587 00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,840 united front. She said things like if it gets 588 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:39,160 out, the family will be up forever changed. 589 00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:41,720 And this was before I even got my results. 590 00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:46,520 So when I did sit down with them, it was very uncomfortable. 591 00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:49,640 They gave me very little information. 592 00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:52,480 The only thing my mother conceded was health information 593 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:57,000 because I have had some health issues that I thought came from 594 00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:03,000 my dad's side of the family that surprise, you know, not. 595 00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:09,440 So we did, we did try sitting down and then I actually sat 596 00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:13,520 down with just my dad. I don't remember how long after. 597 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:18,120 Maybe a month or so after and he and I met at his work. 598 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:21,160 He's 83. He still owns his own business. 599 00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:23,800 And it was almost like a meeting. 600 00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:27,880 It was kind of strange. I had questions on my phone that 601 00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:31,080 I wanted to ask. I wanted to know if he knew my 602 00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:33,840 biological father. I had all of these things I 603 00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:39,320 wanted to say and I was able to ask him questions, but 604 00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:42,240 unfortunately I questioned the answers. 605 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:48,040 They said that they thought that there was a chance when I was 606 00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:51,760 born that I could have been my biological fathers. 607 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:56,720 But then, you know, my dad said that he didn't even know him. 608 00:40:56,760 --> 00:41:02,040 I mean, it just there's, there's more to it in terms of whether I 609 00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:03,680 believe what's been to hold to me. 610 00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:09,440 And unfortunately, when you have something like this happened to 611 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:13,800 you, you really listen to people's answers and, and you 612 00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:16,920 question them. And I think if you weren't 613 00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:22,080 honest about this, I don't know if I can believe a lot of what 614 00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:24,600 you're telling me. And I know that's sad, but 615 00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:26,600 that's how I feel. It makes sense. 616 00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:30,400 After you've had that level of betrayal that you would feel 617 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,480 that way, yes. Did your mom? 618 00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:38,000 Tell you anything about the circumstances my mother has 619 00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:39,720 been. More tight lipped than my dad. 620 00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:44,560 My dad has talked to me. We sat down again. 621 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:48,440 We had even gone out to lunch during that period of time. 622 00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:50,760 And I told him I didn't want to go with my mother. 623 00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:54,480 And he had said to me, your mom told me some things happened in 624 00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:57,800 the kitchen, but your mother can say things that are hurtful, but 625 00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:00,520 are we OK? And that was just something very 626 00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:02,760 odd for him to say to me. Like are we OK? 627 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:07,760 But I feel like my dad at least tried to be vulnerable with me. 628 00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:11,960 My mother on the other hand, she has said very little. 629 00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:15,200 She's actually shared some information with my sister 630 00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:18,840 because she knows that my sister and I are very close and she 631 00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:22,920 knows it will get back to me. So what that tells me is that 632 00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:28,280 she's not comfortable talking about it and it saddens me 633 00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:33,880 because I, I don't hold anger towards the decisions that she 634 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:36,280 made. She was quite a bit older than 635 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:38,920 my biological father. She had already had two 636 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,120 children, so it's not like she was 18 years old. 637 00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:46,480 But I still don't, I still don't have, I'm not judging her, but 638 00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:51,160 I, I've never been able to sit down with her again. 639 00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:55,800 She and I have had our issues and she's very difficult to talk 640 00:42:55,800 --> 00:43:00,480 to, very, very difficult. And she's just been very tight 641 00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:02,760 lipped. A few things that she has said 642 00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:06,760 is that she cared very deeply for him. 643 00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:10,560 It was a relationship. Again, he was much, much 644 00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:13,960 younger. I found out that my biological 645 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:17,560 grandparents on my paternal grandparents did not like her at 646 00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:21,600 all because they felt that, you know, she was robbing the cradle 647 00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:25,120 kind of thing. So there was, I think, a lot 648 00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:29,000 that she was dealing with when she was dating this very young 649 00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:32,400 guy. But she's just she. 650 00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:35,280 I don't want to put all of the responsibility on her. 651 00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:39,720 I could probably try to sit down with her again, but I'm just, 652 00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:47,720 part of me is afraid and part of me doesn't really feel that any 653 00:43:47,720 --> 00:43:51,640 of the answers will really make me feel any better because I've 654 00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:54,760 moved on with that side of my family. 655 00:43:55,040 --> 00:43:58,120 I've embraced them, they've embraced me. 656 00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:01,840 And it's separate. The one thing that my dad did 657 00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:05,720 say when all of this came out, he said we're not interested in 658 00:44:05,720 --> 00:44:10,120 meeting any new people, which really told me that they've 659 00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:13,120 known, you know, my, my biological father's side of the 660 00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:16,600 family is pretty large. I don't know the circumstances 661 00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:20,320 around, you know, when my dad met my mother, my mother had two 662 00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:23,520 children. You know, I, I have to say that 663 00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:31,320 my dad took on two children plus 1/3 and I'm a stepparent myself. 664 00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:35,600 And that was one of the things that I connected with him later 665 00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:40,400 in life when I got married and I had my blended family, you know, 666 00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:46,440 And so the respect that I have for my dad, apart from not being 667 00:44:46,440 --> 00:44:51,360 honest, I still have that respect that he, he, he took all 668 00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:54,640 of these girls under his wing. But again, I don't want to 669 00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:57,560 romanticize and I don't know the full story. 670 00:44:57,560 --> 00:45:01,280 I don't know the full story. So, you know, will I have a 671 00:45:01,280 --> 00:45:03,400 conversation with my mother? I don't know. 672 00:45:03,640 --> 00:45:06,320 I don't know. I'm not totally closing it off, 673 00:45:06,320 --> 00:45:08,880 but I don't see it happening anytime soon. 674 00:45:09,720 --> 00:45:13,080 It's interesting. How so many people in this 675 00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:19,160 community end up with unanswered questions and kind of making 676 00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:23,280 peace with that, even if our parents are alive, just kind of 677 00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:29,520 going, OK, this is as much as I've got and I'm good with that 678 00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:33,160 for now. It's it's interesting thing 679 00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:37,960 because I think so many of us are so thirsty for answers at 680 00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:40,200 first, right? Like that's what got you. 681 00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:42,440 And now you're like, OK, I'm going to leave it. 682 00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:43,880 So that's, that's so interesting. 683 00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:48,560 What do you think has helped you get to where you are right now? 684 00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:58,200 My husband has been incredibly supportive and my rock, my 685 00:45:58,200 --> 00:46:03,200 siblings both on my raised siblings, my one sister and 686 00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:08,080 brother, and my brothers on my biological father's side. 687 00:46:08,080 --> 00:46:13,480 The fact that that side has embraced me has really helped. 688 00:46:14,240 --> 00:46:18,840 I think time too has helped me. Listening to other people's 689 00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:24,360 stories, your platform that the work that you do that has given 690 00:46:24,760 --> 00:46:32,160 people like us a place to land, listening to certain common 691 00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:36,840 threads through other people's experiences to realize that I'm 692 00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:41,040 not alone because it for a while I did feel very isolated. 693 00:46:41,560 --> 00:46:48,000 Also, just I think, realizing how much my life has changed. 694 00:46:48,080 --> 00:46:52,400 One other thing that has happened since this discovery, I 695 00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:58,880 found out some things about my biological father and I decided 696 00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:03,560 to stop drinking alcohol. And it's something that I 697 00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:06,640 probably should have done many, many years ago. 698 00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:11,320 It I joke that I've never had a good relationship with alcohol. 699 00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:14,240 I made the decision almost three years ago. 700 00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:20,480 When you ask what has helped, I know for me that that has just 701 00:47:20,640 --> 00:47:22,680 made things so much clearer for me. 702 00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:31,120 It has allowed me to try to see my parents side and have some 703 00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:33,320 empathy for the choices that they made. 704 00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:38,760 And I don't think I would have given it up if this hadn't 705 00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:41,800 happened. So just the way that my life has 706 00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:46,360 been going since the discovery, it's just gotten better. 707 00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:51,720 I just feel that I'm more at peace with myself, even though I 708 00:47:51,720 --> 00:47:55,200 still don't have the answers that I really want. 709 00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:59,960 I feel like I know myself better because I know my brothers now 710 00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:03,840 and I know, and it's if this is just all coming to me right now, 711 00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:08,680 it's it's sort of like full circle that I was so hungry and 712 00:48:08,680 --> 00:48:12,640 I was so inquisitive when it was all kind of happening. 713 00:48:13,160 --> 00:48:19,160 And now I'm really, really content with moving forward and 714 00:48:19,160 --> 00:48:23,880 making memories and having relationships with with 715 00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:26,840 everybody, everyone. Like I feel like my heart, I 716 00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:30,080 feel like, not that I'm the Grinch, but I feel like my 717 00:48:30,200 --> 00:48:33,720 capacity to love, which has always been pretty big. 718 00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:38,120 Ever since I was a kid, I was again, that sensitivity piece 719 00:48:38,120 --> 00:48:40,800 and just always thinking about other people and what's 720 00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:44,160 happening to people. And it's just more people to 721 00:48:44,160 --> 00:48:48,560 love. And before this, my, my brother 722 00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:52,280 texted from my, my biological father's side and he said good 723 00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:53,800 luck because he knew I was doing this. 724 00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:57,600 He said, good luck. You know how much I love you and 725 00:48:57,600 --> 00:48:59,560 my family loves you. And we're just so blessed to 726 00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:02,560 have you in our lives. And that's really the truth. 727 00:49:03,480 --> 00:49:09,720 And so everybody's helped, right, right. 728 00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:12,520 Yes, yes, that's, that's how I feel. 729 00:49:12,560 --> 00:49:15,280 It's a good spot to be in. That's amazing. 730 00:49:15,720 --> 00:49:20,120 What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna 731 00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:26,640 surprise from their child I. Would say to look inward first 732 00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:29,840 about why you haven't been honest. 733 00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:37,960 Try to be introspective and do some self reflection on what 734 00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:44,640 scares you about telling it, what might anger you about 735 00:49:45,720 --> 00:49:49,360 sharing the information. But I think it's it's important 736 00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:51,280 to start with yourself and to look in the mirror. 737 00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:56,160 I believe that parents should tell their children, and I don't 738 00:49:56,160 --> 00:50:00,960 know what best time it is to tell your children. 739 00:50:01,640 --> 00:50:04,560 I think that young children tend to be more resilient. 740 00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:09,280 I think that you can choose appropriate language and discuss 741 00:50:09,280 --> 00:50:12,440 it at an appropriate level if you decide to tell your children 742 00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:14,480 when they're young. But if you let those 743 00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:18,720 opportunities go by and you're faced with a grown adult child, 744 00:50:18,720 --> 00:50:26,240 I think that you owe it to them to be honest and to tell them 745 00:50:26,240 --> 00:50:29,480 why you're afraid or why you were afraid or why you kept it a 746 00:50:29,480 --> 00:50:33,000 secret. Because I think that sometimes 747 00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:37,720 we underestimate how forgiving we can be with one another. 748 00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:41,600 I'm not in that situation as a parent, but I do think that 749 00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:45,480 parents should be honest and again, start with themselves and 750 00:50:45,560 --> 00:50:52,480 reflect and have some trust in their children that the child 751 00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:56,400 will receive the information. And it might be bumpy at first, 752 00:50:56,920 --> 00:51:04,760 but it's better to get it out than to allow your child to not 753 00:51:04,760 --> 00:51:08,440 have this information. Everything from health to not 754 00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:10,320 just your physical health, but your mental health. 755 00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:15,920 There's so much that makes up who we are, and we have a right 756 00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:18,880 to know all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. 757 00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:21,280 That's right. What advice do you have for 758 00:51:21,320 --> 00:51:24,640 someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise? 759 00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:29,760 Well, I've thought about this answer just like the first one 760 00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:33,360 that you ask. I think that many of us in this 761 00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:38,840 community have questioned themselves for a very long time. 762 00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:41,760 I know I did. I know that ever since I was a 763 00:51:41,760 --> 00:51:45,440 little kid, I would question what I did, what I said. 764 00:51:45,680 --> 00:51:51,560 We tend to perseverate, and I would say that if you feel like 765 00:51:51,560 --> 00:51:54,760 you want to jump in with both feet, that you jump in with both 766 00:51:54,760 --> 00:51:57,280 feet. If you feel that you need to 767 00:51:57,280 --> 00:52:02,360 pause and step back and collect yourself, then you pause and you 768 00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:03,920 step back and you collect yourself. 769 00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:07,000 The most important thing is to listen to yourself. 770 00:52:07,720 --> 00:52:13,080 Listen to what is in your heart. Trust your gut, trust yourself 771 00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:18,040 because again, the trust piece is what's been really kind of 772 00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:24,080 shattered for so many of us. And trusting yourself is where 773 00:52:24,080 --> 00:52:29,520 it all starts. So I would say go with how you 774 00:52:29,520 --> 00:52:34,120 feel and do whatever you feel is best for you. 775 00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:36,960 Christine, thank you. So. 776 00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:41,680 Much for joining me and sharing your story and being so open and 777 00:52:41,680 --> 00:52:45,480 vulnerable. I wish you nothing but the best 778 00:52:45,560 --> 00:52:49,320 and continued peace and beautiful relationships with 779 00:52:49,320 --> 00:52:52,640 your new found family. Thank you, Alexis. 780 00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:54,600 Thank you so much for doing what you're doing. 781 00:52:55,200 --> 00:52:57,560 Thanks again to. Christine for sharing her story. 782 00:52:58,000 --> 00:53:01,160 If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please 783 00:53:01,160 --> 00:53:04,160 submit your story at dnasurprises.com. 784 00:53:05,040 --> 00:53:08,680 And remember, you can join me for early access to add free 785 00:53:08,680 --> 00:53:13,160 episodes over at patreon.com/DNA Surprises. 786 00:53:13,840 --> 00:53:17,840 Until next time. This episode of DNA Surprises 787 00:53:17,840 --> 00:53:22,720 was hosted, produced and edited by me Alexis Ourselt. 788 00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:27,560 It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording 789 00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:28,320 Studios.