I can respect that. They didn't really know when to
share this news and their hand was forced and they said, all
right, now's the time. So that was that was definitely
a very key piece in terms of like sitting with these emotions
that I'm having. And I'm asking like, should I be
angry? Should I be upset?
And, you know, I can look at it, at it that way and I think it
would be valid if I felt that way, But I, I asked myself, can
I understand why they did it this way?
Can I make sense of it? And even though I think some of
the decisions were wrong, I can understand why they chose the
path they chose. And you know, something I, I say
to a lot of the guests that I talk about that I talked to on
my own podcast is I don't think it's fair to judge decisions
from the past with the information we have from the
present. And back then.
I mean, it, it seems like parents just followed doctor's
orders and my parents were no different.
So I don't hold it against them. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a
podcast that explores the life altering world of unexpected DNA
discoveries. I'm your host Alexis Oursalt.
This show centers the stories of people who've experienced NP, ES
or non paternal events. In other words, people who've
learned that their biological father isn't who they thought he
was. We'll also hear from adoptees
donor conceived people and the families navigating these
discoveries. Get ready to follow the
incredible journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.
This is DNA surprises, my therapist once told me some of
us heal out loud so others don't have to.
I think of that almost every time I get a note from a podcast
listener telling me how much the stories people share each week
have helped them. In this week's episode, I'm
joined by someone who is healing out loud for the donor conceived
community. Nick, host of the Inconceivably
Connected podcast, shares how he discovered in his 30s that he
was donor conceived. He recounts how his parents
decided to reveal the information and how Adna Test
helped fill in the rest. Since his discovery, Nick
provides a platform for others to share their experiences being
donor conceived and has even written a book about his
experience. Thank you for sharing your
story, Nick. Hey everybody, my name is Nick.
I am 39 years old and I'm from Long Island, New York.
Where to begin? So I think a good starting point
is on the night of my 36th birthday.
So this is a little over three years ago in January of 2023.
So on this night, my wife and I, we were living in Brooklyn, NY
in Greenpoint, which is north Brooklyn.
And every year for the most part on my birthday, my family gets
together for just a, a, a dinner, some sort of meal to
celebrate my birthday. And my family consists of my
mom, my dad, and then I have a younger brother and a younger
non binary sibling. So three siblings in total.
And we went out to an Italian restaurant in Brooklyn, and
everything seemed totally normal.
At the end of the meal, my wife and I, we were walking home, and
I had been given a few gifts at the dinner table.
And walking back, she says, you know, I know you were supposed
to get another gift tonight, but for some reason, they didn't
give it to you. And I had no idea what she was
referring to. And she wasn't gonna tell me
exactly what that gift was. But I was like huh, that's
strange. So Fast forward to the next day
and I drove back to my hometown in Long Island to watch, I think
it was the NFL play offs. So the Giants were playing.
I'm a big Giants fan and I went back to my parents house to
watch the game with my dad. Before the game started.
He and I are sitting at the kitchen table just, you know,
making small talk. But I could see something was
off. He wasn't totally being his
normal self. And we got to a point in the
conversation where he was like, all right, we have to have a
little talk and mom needs to be here, too.
And in that moment, my first thought was, oh, shit, Like,
somebody's sick and yeah, this, this can't be good.
So we're just kind of sitting there waiting for my mom to come
into the room, and she comes to the table and my dad leads the
conversation by saying, you know, last night at dinner for
your birthday, you were supposed to get another gift from your
siblings. And we wanted to talk to you
before you receive that gift because it's a 23 Andme DNA
testing kit. And if you were to take that
test, there's a chance that you might receive some surprising
results. And in that moment, I just kind
of froze. Like, I, I just couldn't process
what that statement meant. But a couple seconds later, it
started to click. I was like, oh, wait a minute.
And I thought back on how my parents, you know, growing up,
they had alluded to having difficulties conceiving when I
was born. There was definitely a struggle,
but they never really told me anything more than that.
And in this conversation at my parents' house, they kind of
divulged how they received fertility treatment to become
pregnant with me. And the way that they did that
was by using a donor, but going through the process called sperm
mixing. So essentially they take the
donor's sperm and mix it with the sperm of my dad's in the
hopes that my dad's sperm is the one that takes.
Now, I don't know how I don't think this is rooted in science
so much, but it wasn't an uncommon practice back then
where recipient parents would basically go through this this
process. Yeah, I'm definitely not a donor
conception expert, but it almost seemed like it it was almost to
reduce some of the stigma or shame around infertility.
And it's kind of this like, well, it's plausible that, you
know, it could be the the father sperm that created the child or
it could be the donor. Like, you know, you don't, You
don't really know. So they explained to me that
this is how they became pregnant and that by taking this test,
there's a chance that I might get surprising results.
Now the interesting layer to this this part of the story is
that my younger brother, he's a little a little over 2 years
younger than me. He actually was conceived in the
same fashion by sperm mixing. And I don't want to go too much
into what his experience with basically having the same
conversation that I had with my parents.
He was informed that he potentially was not connected to
our dad biologically before my birthday dinner.
They were all holding on to this at the dinner and not telling me
what my brother had already found out.
So he was he was now aware of this possibility at this family
gathering and couldn't say anything about it.
So it was like torturous for him to be there and not be able to
spill the beans. So anyway, he and I end up going
through this this process together in a lot of ways where
after I discovered that like, whoa, am I really potentially
not biologically connected to my dad?
And like, wondering, OK, am I taking this DNA test?
Is there a reason why maybe I shouldn't?
And I slept on it. And the very next morning, I was
like, I'm taking the test. Like, there's no way I'm not
getting this information. And my brother had already
settled on that as well. So for anyone who's taken these
DNA tests, you probably know that it takes about a month for
the results to come back. And over the course of that
month, my brother and I were on the phone with each other.
It, it felt like multiple times a day just talking about like
how insane this all is and how, you know, we were really trying
to speculate how our parents were feeling because we could
visibly see that my dad was struggling with the idea that,
you know, the full truth was, was about to come to light and
really just navigating these highly unusual emotions
alongside each other. So my brother and I really
supported each other before those results came back.
Now when we get the results, my brother eventually, it was
inconclusive at first, but ultimately found out that he and
my dad are biologically connected.
So I think that means like he defied the odds of sperm mixing.
I actually have never heard of it actually working in favor of
the the child and the parent being biologically connected,
but in his case it did. So in a lot of ways his story
stopped there, whereas my story, I get my results back and the
first thing I saw was my, and I did 23 in May.
I saw the ancestry composition and right at the top it said
like 48.6% Ashkenazi Jewish, which was a huge surprise to me
because I had always grown up believing that I was half Irish,
1/4 Italian, quarter German. So never thought that, you know,
Jewish was part of my make up. Now when I look in the mirror,
I'm like, of course, like it, it seems so obvious, but in that
moment it was, it was quite shocking.
And then of course, you flip over to the family tree and
that's really where the juicy info presented itself.
So I think on the family tree I could see that I was connected
to seven or eight other half siblings.
I would come to find out in total right now there are 14 of
us. But seeing that, and I guess the
first thing I saw was my own brother who I was raised with
being on there and it his name had the designation as half
brother. And that was really hard for me
to read because I never viewed him that way.
I will never view him that way. But biologically speaking,
that's the truth. And I just, yeah, to see that in
writing was like, I, I didn't know what to make of that.
It it just made it all like fully real in that moment.
Were there any feelings around the fact that he is biologically
your dad's and you are not? It's a good question.
I, I remember speaking with my mom about this and part of our
process even prior to the results coming through were that
it just opened up all of these new kinds of conversations that
we were having as a family that, you know, prior to any of this
being on our radar, probably wouldn't have happened.
So we're really being vulnerable in a way that was new to us.
And I remember saying to my mom, if if one of us is going to be
not connected to dad, I hope it's me.
And I said that because I felt like I was equipped to handle
this kind of news for a number of reasons, but I felt like it.
It almost made more sense. Like you know how donor
conceived people. A lot of the times things just
seem to click where like that feeling of maybe being a little
bit out of place growing up and wondering like, wait, why am I
this way? Why am IA little bit different
than everybody else? You know, I didn't feel that in
in any sort of like hugely notable way, but there were
things I could point to and say like, yeah, I am a little bit
different. And if this is true, it would
explain that and I'm OK with that.
So, yeah, as far as feelings related to like my brother being
biologically connected, I, it was almost a relief in in some
ways for both of us because I don't know how he would have
handled it. And I knew that I, I knew that I
could make sense of it for myself.
So yeah, we get these results and it's a Monday morning, I
think, and I had to go to work. I was working a remote sales
job, so thankfully I didn't have to go to into any office.
But I remember sitting in a Greenpoint coffee shop and just
kind of digging through the information that I now had in my
hands. And maybe an hour after getting
the results, a message came through on 23 and May from one
of my donor half sisters. And that message, I forget
exactly what it said, but essentially it was, hey, like,
I'm not sure if you know, you have all the information that
you might be looking for, but if and when you'd like some of this
information, we have it available and I'm happy to share
it with you. So, you know, during the time of
waiting for my results to come back, I had very clearly decided
like, whatever information I can get and however I can pursue all
there is that I could possibly know, like I'm game, like bring
it on. So right away I, I wrote back to
her and I was like, please, like, send me anything and
everything that you have. And within minutes, she sent me
an e-mail that I think the first one was, it was like a photo
collage of the half siblings. And I remember distinctly when I
looked at that, First off, I'm catching flashes and glimpses of
myself and these people who at the time were strangers.
And I also had this feeling of like, whoa, like I am forever
connected to these people. I don't know who they are yet
and I don't know if I will get to know who they are.
But there's a permanent bond now that this collage is a symbol
of. So that was pretty trippy to
look at that. And then after that, I received
another e-mail that was from the donor.
And this really put me at ease in a lot of ways because though
he expressed that he was not interested in fostering any
relationships with us, he did in a very kind way outlined he bits
of medical information and a little bit of his family,
family's history, which was all I needed.
I I think ultimately having that acknowledgement from him that
like, yeah, I am the biological father, You have successfully
identified me. And here's what I'm willing to
share that. Yeah.
It just because I think about that hour, right, of having all
of these results, not knowing who the donor was in that hour
and feeling lost, just feeling like, whoa, there's this huge
cloud of mystery that's that's hanging over me now and am I
ever gonna get answers? And thankfully I got them really
quickly. Yeah, it's kind of amazing that
it's like there was a framework already in place where, OK, when
someone takes a test and they match, I don't know if you could
actually expect or or hope for a better outcome, except for maybe
if you were interested in having a relationship.
They did all the early detective work because, you know, from the
information we had on on 23 and May, it wasn't obvious who the
donor was. There were enough clues that
were given for them to put the pieces together.
But yeah, like if it were up to me to figure it out, I'm sure I
could have, but it it would have taken a bit of time for me to
get to the answers that they got to.
So I'm very grateful that I was able to get that upfront.
It definitely kept me from experiencing some some real
confusion. And yeah, I don't even know what
would have happened. Do you connect more with your
siblings from that point? Is that is that something that
you want to do at that stage? I think I always knew from the
earliest moments that that was part of what I wanted and what I
was curious to explore. It did take some time for me to
get comfortable with actually pursuing that, but not, not not
that long. It took me maybe a month, a
month and a half. And of the 14 of us, so there
are two sons who were raised by the donor and we actually don't
even know if they are aware of our existence.
That is still unclear. Of the remaining 12, I think
it's six of us who have now met in person.
And the first meet up was with two of the half brothers we met
at a bar on the Upper Upper East Side of in Manhattan.
And yeah, it was like psychedelic, honestly, to see
someone who was a total stranger.
But no, right from the moment I laid my eyes on them that like,
we are connected. It's just a feeling that like, I
don't think, I don't think anyone else can really
understand what that feels like other than people in the DCP
community. The first brother shows up at
the bar. I was the first one to arrive,
he shows up second, and then the third brother shows up
afterwards and we're sitting down.
It's a pretty lively bar, but I just remember looking at them
and like catching glimpses of myself in their faces.
One of them had the same exact facial hair as.
I did the other actually the same 1 was literally wearing
like the same kind of outfit that I had on.
We had like a Plaid button down on same, same facial hair, same
haircut, same interests. Like our Instagram feed was kind
of the same like not the feed, but like our accounts.
It's like all the concerts we've gone to and all of the the
travels that we've been on, so it was just so bizarre.
Do you all live in the New York area or are you from all over
the country or? Almost all of us do live in the
the New York area, so we were all born in the same hospital in
Long Island and it happens to be the hospital that the donor did
his medical practice at or he was a a a Med student at the
time of his donating. So we all come from the same
hospital. We all grew up in scattered
towns around Long Island, and most of us are still either in
Long Island or in New York City. Wow.
OK. So that right, I feel like we
have to talk about that because that's something that comes up
for a lot of DCP is this, you're around people that are related
to you that you don't know. There's worries about dating
somebody that you're related to that you don't know.
Did any of that come up for you? Like once you realized how like
literally being born in the same hospital is pretty.
Wise so there haven't been too many moments of potentially like
crossing paths. I know one of the brothers and
one of the sisters. They used to go to the same
public swimming pool as children.
However, one of the brothers, so my hometown is broken into like
little villages. There's like four or five
different ones. And one of the brothers lives in
the village that my parents live in right now.
He's like 4 streets away. So yeah, like pretty close
proximity there. And I remember when I saw his
name, I was like, that looks like a familiar name.
Like did I play baseball with him when I was a kid?
I I don't know for sure, but yeah, I mean, there's definitely
a chance that some of us were brushing shoulders as kids.
And yeah, who knows? I mean, there could be others
out there that don't even know they're part of our group that I
could be walking past at the pizza place or, you know,
getting bagels in the morning, whatever it might be.
Is that something that you think about often?
Like, I mean, you're, you're a little bit out from it now, but
you know, sometimes when people first have these discoveries,
it's something that's top of mind, right?
They're thinking about it often when you see people that maybe
you think look like you or does it cross your mind?
Are they related to me? I personally don't, but maybe
that's because I haven't really come across anyone I thought was
like whoa, they could be connected.
However, I will say, and my wife laughs when I tell the story
because we were watching, I'm not going to name the show, but
we were watching a really trashy reality show before any of this
donor conceived stuff was on my radar.
And I remember there was this one person, this one guy who was
on the show that any time he was on the screen, I like, I, I
almost cringed. I, like, I couldn't watch him
because it felt like I was watching myself in a way that
it's hard for. Yeah.
Like, I couldn't understand it. His mannerisms were the same.
His inflections and his voice were the same.
He apparently lives in a Long Island, and there was like an
element of his story where, like his his dad wasn't really in the
picture. So I'm watching this and like,
again, didn't know I was donor conceived as I'm seeing all this
stuff, but just getting this weird gut feeling that like,
there's something about this guy and, you know, a few years past
and I find out I'm donor conceived.
And now I think back on that and I'm like, that guy's probably
part of our group. And I like, I wrestled with the
question of like, do I do I reach out to this guy and
randomly just ask these, these questions about DNA testing
'cause I don't want to be the one to potentially blow up his
world, you know? But that, that feeling I had
watching him on that show was, was something different.
I had never felt it before and I haven't felt it since.
So yeah, I don't really, I don't really look for people out and
about in the way that some others might.
But that's that's my version of of feeling like there's other
connections. So you've connected with some of
your siblings, You're learning a lot more about them it sounds
like. Do any others join the the pod
after you take your test? Yeah.
So that initial meet up with the two brothers then expanded to
two additional brothers and two additional sisters.
So if my math is correct, I think that's 66 of us, maybe
seven of us. We haven't all gotten together
as an entire group. I think we've had one where
everybody but one person was there and it's, yeah, it's
pretty mind boggling to see some of the commonalities that we
have. Like I mentioned before, like
there's there's an interest in music across the board.
I think a lot of us tend to be pretty introspective where we we
really like to analyze things just internally and be a little
bit thoughtful about how we express feelings and emotions
and whatever it might be. One of the things that I noticed
as I was able to social media stock the donor is that I'm
pretty fanatical about basketball and specifically the
New York Knicks. You can see I'm wearing a Knicks
hat right now. The donor, as I'm examining some
of the photos that I had had access to, I can see he's a huge
basketball fan. And the reason I note that is
because in my own family, I'm the only one whoever had a
passion for sports and was really excited about basketball
and playing basketball. And I can see that that clearly
comes from the donor. I can also see that he's an
adventurer in some ways and has some pretty interesting travel
experience. I'm the only person in my family
who prioritizes seeing the world and really getting out of my
comfort zone and going to places that are sort of off the beaten
path for a lot of people. So there are things that I now
have access to information wise where I can say, you know, with
the nature versus nurture debate in mind, like, oh, there's a lot
on this nature side that I didn't know of before.
I didn't know it was in that bucket.
So that's been pretty fascinating to to see.
And one of the other things that I really enjoy, and it's, it's
one of the main motivators behind wanting to get as much
experience spending time with these new connections of mine,
is that the more I get to know them, these new brothers and
sisters, the more I feel like I understand myself.
That's really awesome. I think hearing you learn about
the donor and some commonalities that you have and maybe how it
was different than the family that you grew up in takes me
back to your parents. I'm, I'm curious, you said that
they were struggling kind of when they first gave you that
information. Did they share if it was
something that they intended to reveal to you at any point?
Was it something that they planned to keep secret?
They did, yeah. They shared what their thoughts
behind all of this were and essentially they informed me
that it was the doctor's advice to them to not say anything,
which they followed. However, there were basically 2
scenarios that they they deemed worthy of sharing the
information. The first was if either my
brother or I ever had any sort of medical issues that would
require them to say, you know what, they don't have the same
medical history as my dad does, knock on wood.
Thankfully, I never had any anything growing up or even as
an adult that required, at least it never required divulging that
information, or at least they didn't think they needed to.
The other would have been if some sort of technology came out
that would identify all of this. And sure enough, it did.
And yeah, they expressed to me that like in the early days of
23andMe and Ancestry coming out to the public, they'd see some
of these commercials or it would be in the news and they'd kind
of look at each other and be like the time, like the clock is
ticking, like this is going to happen at some point.
And yeah, in my case, my, my siblings randomly decided to get
me that DNA testing kit. And that was that was the moment
my parents said, yeah, we, we have to address this now.
And that's something as I think about like all of the different
parts of my story, them having that conversation with me and
sitting down with me to say, hey, if you take this test, you
know, you might be shocked. I I can't stress how valuable
and how important it was for them to to do that with me and
to get ahead of it because if I had found out through 23andMe
when they had opportunities to tell it to me themselves, that
would have been difficult for me to accept.
I can respect that. They didn't really know when to
share this news and their hand was forced.
And they said, all right, now's the time.
So that that was definitely a very key piece in terms of like
sitting with these emotions that I'm having.
And I'm asking like, should I be angry?
Should I be upset? And, you know, I can look at it
at it that way. And I think it would be valid if
I felt that way, but I, I asked myself, can I understand why
they did it this way? Can I make sense of it?
And even though I think some of the decisions were wrong, I can
understand why they chose the path they chose.
And you know, something I I say to a lot of the guests that I
talk about that I talked to on my own podcast is I don't think
it's fair to judge decisions from the past with the
information we have in from the present And back then.
I mean, it, it seems like parents just followed doctor's
orders and my parents were no different.
So I don't hold it against them. But yeah, I guess another
element here is as these facts were coming to light, there was
definitely a a little bit of friction, Not friction so much
as just a struggle, particularly with my dad, in the fact that
like, I was going to be open about this.
I was very clear up front, like this doesn't change anything.
Our relationship is not affected in any sort of negative way by
this. But I'm not going to keep this
under wraps. This is my story and I feel the
need to tell it. I almost felt like I had to
reintroduce myself. And while my parents were
accepting of that, it definitely made my dad in particular a bit
uncomfortable knowing that they held on to this for 30 plus
years and now it's going to be exposed.
And I think part of the beauty of how I view the situation now
is that we we got through sharing the story openly as one
collective unit. It's not like I was out telling,
you know, my people and my parents were forced to tell
their own people. We, we all did it together and
it ended up strengthening our bond, especially with me and my
dad knowing that he was definitely out of his comfort
zone putting this out there. But, you know, faced his fear
and now he talks about it as openly as I do.
So it's really been cool. It's been cool to watch,
particularly my dad's evolution around all of this, where before
we took the tests, he was like, I don't want to know the
results. Like I don't need to know them.
And I was like, if I know the results, there's no way I'm
keeping that from you. Just to see like where he was at
the beginning of the story to where he is now is really cool
and I'm really proud of how he has handled this whole part of
his life because it's part of his story too.
That's incredible. Really do identify with what you
were saying about. Once you had it, the
information, you had to tell it, you had to tell your story, you
had to reintroduce yourself. It's a whole new way of thinking
about yourself and and your identity.
I guess on that note, like you learned that you are Jewish, is
that a part of your identity that you have been interested in
exploring or not? I think the short answer there
is, it is. The longer answer is it's not
something that is at the top of my priority list of things to
explore with this. I will say in hindsight, like
looking back on my friends as I was growing up and who I'm still
close with now, most of them are Jewish.
And I think that is telling of something because, you know, I
never knew I was Jewish when I was a kid, but I seem to have
gravitated to that crowd. So I, I, I find that to be
pretty fascinating. But outside of exploring what
that means for me and understanding Jewish history and
culture, I'm interested in it. But I I don't know that I've
been ready to really do the deep dive into all of that just yet.
You mentioned you know the importance of telling your story
and you also mentioned that you have a podcast.
So I imagine telling your story and telling other stories is
more at the top of your your priority list.
Can you talk a little bit more about your podcast and and why
you started it and what your goal is?
After I had been expressing this new part of my life to the
people that mattered to me and telling the story over and over
to family and friends, I felt like the more I talked about it,
the healthier it felt. And from there, because I was
experiencing such new feelings and emotions, especially in
those early days of like just getting the results and not
really knowing what to do with it, the only thing I did know to
do was to write and to just jot down everything that was coming
to mind because I wanted to have a record of what this most
unusual time in my life was like and how I was thinking.
And so I ended up writing regularly in my journal and I'd
say a month or two had passed and I realized that, oh crap,
like I have 30,000 words here. This is a lot of content that
I'm committing to this. And in that moment, I was like,
wait a minute. Like I think there's something
bigger at play here. Like, am I?
Am I writing a book right now? So from there I tried to kind of
connect what my donor conceived discovery was like to other
areas of my life that felt significant and ultimately wrote
a book, much to my surprise. I never thought I was capable of
doing that, but before I knew it, I had a full book of, you
know, 5560 thousand words. So a little over a year ago is
when I published that also called Inconceivably Connected,
which is the name of the podcast as well.
But by putting my story out in that sort of format beyond just
to my close friends and family and acquaintances, really
putting it out to the entire world, it just felt freeing and
it felt healthy. It felt therapeutic.
And I I thought, OK, how can I extend this feeling to other
people who are experiencing the same sort of situation that I
am? And that's where the podcast
came in, where I thought, all right, if I can create a
platform for others to vocally express what they're going
through, I think that could be really useful.
And it almost felt like my duty to to create that and to make
that space, even though I, you know, like we were saying before
recording, I am not tech savvy. I had never done anything like
this before. I just felt like it was too
important to not give it a fair shot.
And that's how the podcast was born.
I made a post on Reddit, on the Facebook forums and was just
curious to see, all right, how many other people out there are
interested in sharing their story?
And I was kind of joking with my wife.
I was like, how many people you think are going to respond to
this? And in my head, I'm like, maybe
I'll get four or five. And within the first like, 24
hours, I had over 30 responses. And that's when it really hit me
when I was like, OK, people are eager to talk about this and
maybe some of these people don't have the outlet to do so in
their own lives, and this could be the area where they're able
to do that. So that was really the thinking
behind creating the podcast, which again, the Inconceivably
Connected podcast, It's very similar to DNA surprises,
one-on-one conversations, and it's turned into some of the
most fulfilling work that I have found myself doing.
And I, it was never on my radar that this would be the position
that I'm in, but it's beautiful, it's enlightening, it's in some
cases entertaining to hear the uniqueness of each and every
person's story because No2 donor conceived people's stories are
the same. We could hear an infinite amount
of them. And there will always be
something in each person's story that stands out as their own.
And I think even more than that, just seeing almost like the
before and the after of each guest that comes on, I can see
that a lot of them are sometimes nervous in the beginning and by
the end they're like, whoa, I think I had a lot to get off my
chest and I think I just did like this feels good.
So when I see that in people, it just.
It encourages me to keep going, and I suspect you feel a similar
way. Absolutely.
I mean, I always say I started the podcast just as much for
myself as I did for others because there's something so
incredible about getting the opportunity to connect to people
that have this shared experience, which is fairly
common, but it's not one that everybody can relate to.
And so to, for myself to feel less alone and then to also
realize the impact that it has on people who are listening and
find something to identify with. And then also, yeah, the the
actual people that I'm speaking to every week to see that weight
come off and and see kind of the power and strength that comes
from telling your story is unlike anything I think I've
ever done before. I'd like to ask DCP who come on
the podcast kind of for their their take on the state of the
industry in terms of things that you would like to see changed
based off of your own experience or, or not changed.
Like do you have any thoughts in terms of the fertility industry
at large? Yeah, and I think a lot of my
thoughts are going to be rooted in what I've heard from other
people that I've I've spoken to because feel like I got pretty
lucky in this experience that I don't have medical known medical
issues. But I think most, most DCPS
would probably agree that getting rid of donor anonymity
is a good place to start. I think it's vital for so many
people to know their accurate medical history and really their
ancestral composition as well. Like it's important to know
where we come from culturally and yeah, and, and what sort of
lineage we carry. I think there's a lot of work to
be done legislatively. The fact that we hear stories
sometimes of siblings dating each other or having to even
worry about that, like accidental incest.
We hear all about fertility fraud where doctors are are
swapping out their own sperm and swapping in their own sperm for
the donors. There's, there's so many messy
and dark parts of what some of us experience.
And it's, I think until we address all of that, we need to
be amplifying as many donor conceived voices as possible,
which in terms of a mission behind the existence of my
podcast, like my whole job is, is raising the volume and
elevating the voices that need to be heard.
Because no one should have to go through some of the things that
I've heard people in our community having to go through.
So yeah, I think that's a good starting place.
Wipeout, donor anonymity, fertility fraud needs to be
punished in a, in a justified way.
And it's, it just feels like it should be a basic right to know
who we're connected to. These, these connections are too
meaningful. There's too much to learn by
exploring them and understanding them to deprive people of the
chance to do that. So that's what I would say.
What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna
surprise from their child? You have to tell them.
You just have to. And that doesn't mean you have
to do it immediately, but you have to do it as soon as any
viable moment arises to keep this information from your
children. It keeps them from themselves,
from understanding who they are at their core in some key ways.
And you just can't deprive your child of that.
You can't. I think a lot of parents,
especially from my generation, I was born in 1987, you know, they
were misguided. Let's be real.
They were misguided by by doctors to not tell their kids
about this. But as soon as DNA test testing
became a thing, that guidance kind of goes out the window and
you have to readjust your game plan.
And I think even beyond giving your child the chance to know
who they are on a deeper level, it's also gonna set you free.
Because whether you realize it or not, you're holding on to
something. You're suppressing really vital
information for your offspring, your children, who you're
raising, and you carry that with you.
And that affects you whether you think it does or not.
And I remember very distinctly when my parents first divulged
this information to me and they, they saw that I didn't react in,
for lack of a better word, in any sort of negative way.
I could see the weight shed from their shoulders.
I could see their spirits lifting by coming clean.
And I think that's not to say that by sharing this with your
children, there's not gonna be blowback from it, but your
child's gonna respect you a whole lot more if they'd hear
this news from their parents rather than from someone else or
from a corporation like 23 MA. So that would be my advice.
That's really good advice. And what advice do you have for
someone who just discovered that they're donor conceived?
I think there's two pieces there.
I think the first is give yourself grace.
Move at whatever speed feels appropriate to you.
Some people like to dive right into all of this, and that's not
the way that everybody handles this situation.
If you need to move nice and slow, move nice and slow.
This is serious information and a serious part of who you are,
and you don't want to to rush through any of that.
I think you want to feel every emotion that that comes along
with this, good and bad. And I think it's also really
important for people to recognize that they're not alone
in this. It can feel very isolating when
you discover this, especially at a later stage in life.
There's support out there. There are other people who have
had the same lived experience that you can lean on.
Don't try to conquer this or sit with this by yourself.
You do not have to do that. There's other people that have
gone on this journey already that can share words of wisdom
and advice and don't shy away from that except those wise
Nuggets that people in our community have to offer.
You may not think that you need them in certain moments, but
they'll come in handy down the line.
And I think the last thing I would say is for those who find
themselves in a position to tell your story, and I phrase it that
way because I, I think many of us face some obstacles and
challenges that maybe prevent us from from putting the full truth
out there in the ways that we want to.
But I think everybody should be working on a path towards
telling the story and and owning it because it's yours.
And other people may not sit well with that, but it's not
their place to tell you what you can share and what you can't.
When you're ready to tell it, tell it.
Because that's how we all come together is by sharing these
stories. Well said, Nick, thank you so
much for joining me today and for sharing your story.
It's been a pleasure to talk to you today and I'm excited to
listen to the Inconceivably Connected podcast and hope that
others will check it out too because it is so important to
hear and share all of our stories.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks again to Nick for sharing
his story. If you're interested in checking
out Nick's book or his podcast, I've linked them in the show
notes. And if you have adna surprise
that you'd like to share, submit your story at dnasurprises.com.
And for early add free access to episodes, join me over on
patreon@patreon.com/DNA surprises.
Until next time, DNA Surprises is hosted, produced and edited
by me, Alexis Oursalt. It is mixed and mastered by Josh
Oursalt of Siren Recording Studios.