1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,640 I do talk freely about the DNA test because I think it's an 2 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:06,280 important conversation because there's been just so much taboo 3 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:10,960 with secrets and affairs. I think over the years we always 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,400 look at the couple in question, but what about the child? 5 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,640 You know, What about what's going to happen to them? 6 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:23,000 Like we've seen in Facebook groups, we've seen 67 year olds 7 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,440 doing these DNA tests and then they find out their dad's not 8 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,280 their real dad. Luckily, I'm so strong and 9 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:34,520 resilient to not lose myself in that anger, betrayal, hurt, 10 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:37,800 where you could just fall down that rabbit hole even deeper. 11 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,800 It's given me a good perspective to open up because if you don't 12 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,760 open up, who are you going to invite in? 13 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:49,200 Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the 14 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,880 world of unexpected DNA discoveries. 15 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:58,360 I'm your host, Alexis Ourselt. In July 2021, my life took a 16 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:03,240 surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who 17 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,080 has experienced a non paternal event. 18 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:10,640 In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he 19 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,640 was. Join me as we explore the 20 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:18,720 stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and donor conceived people and their 21 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,520 families. Get ready to unravel the 22 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:25,680 astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test. 23 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:32,800 This is DNA Surprises. Welcome to the 100th episode of 24 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:37,840 DNA Surprises. OK, technically I've had more 25 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:42,960 than 100 episodes already, but this is the 100th DNA surprise 26 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:46,120 story I've had the privilege of sharing with you all. 27 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:52,320 So in celebration of 100 episodes, I thought we'd take it 28 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,920 all the way back to the beginning. 29 00:01:55,800 --> 00:02:00,320 In this week's episode, I'm joined once again by Yvette, my 30 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:06,200 very first guest on the podcast. I am eternally grateful to those 31 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,720 Season 1 guests. They responded to my call for 32 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:14,160 guests with no guarantees on how their stories would be told or 33 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:17,840 where They trusted me with one of the most difficult 34 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:22,280 experiences of their lives. And that's where this all began. 35 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,560 If you haven't listened to Yvette's story, I'll give you a 36 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:30,120 quick recap here, but I encourage you to pause this 37 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:35,240 episode and go back to season 1, Episode 1, Yvette's DNA 38 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:38,600 Surprise. It's LinkedIn, the show notes. 39 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,600 In our first conversation, Yvette was coming fresh off of 40 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,600 her DNA surprise. She'd figured out who her 41 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,200 biological father was and actually remembered meeting him 42 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,440 one time in her life before he died. 43 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:56,520 She had connected with her new found siblings but hadn't yet 44 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,200 had the opportunity to meet them. 45 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,640 Yvette had also gone no contact with her mother because of her 46 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:07,800 anger and pain about the secret. One of the biggest sources of 47 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:12,840 joy in her experience was her ethnic shift with the discovery 48 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:17,080 of her Sicilian heritage. Yvette felt immediately 49 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,640 connected to her ancestors when she learned about this 50 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:23,080 background and immersed herself in learning all about the food 51 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,760 and culture. One of the biggest sources of 52 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:30,200 her pain is around the missed opportunity to connect with her 53 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,760 biological father, who she seemingly shared countless 54 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:39,040 similarities with. That was nearly 2 1/2 years ago, 55 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,880 and in this week's episode, Yvette joined me to share where 56 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:46,200 things are now. She shares how she's continued 57 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,880 to navigate her ethnic shift and build deep connections with her 58 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,320 Sicilian roots. She also gives a surprising 59 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,880 update on her relationships with her siblings and tells us where 60 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,040 things currently stand with her mother. 61 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,640 Be sure to listen all the way to the end of this episode to hear 62 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,240 Yvette give advice to her past self. 63 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,760 Thank you for sharing your story with us again, Yvette. 64 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,120 Thank you, Yvette, for joining me today. 65 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,960 It's good to see you again. Oh, it's. 66 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,880 Thank you so much for bringing me back. 67 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,959 What a journey, what a journey it's been. 68 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:25,480 What a journey. It's been just just over 2 1/2 69 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:31,280 years since we spoke and so much has happened and in that time. 70 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,800 Why don't we just pick up where we left off? 71 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:40,600 What has happened since then? Don't have 4 older half siblings 72 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:44,160 I never knew about. I've got two older brothers, two 73 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,120 older sisters, and I'm only barely in contact with the 74 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,960 oldest. The one that I reached out to 75 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:54,720 when I was on the path looking for my biological father and 76 00:04:54,720 --> 00:05:00,840 information about his family and I have not met them and that's 77 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:06,480 because that's been my decision to not meet my older siblings. 78 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:11,920 Predominantly my reasoning for that is because I just don't 79 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:15,640 feel like I have a connection. Unfortunately. 80 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:19,680 We've had separate lives. We never grew up together and I 81 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:25,360 think that the pain that they've known about me for over 7, just 82 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:31,560 over 17 years and me only finding out 3 1/2 years ago. 83 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,880 I, I, I wouldn't know what to say or do if I met them. 84 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,680 I think I've asked all the questions I needed to know about 85 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:43,560 my biological father and his mother and his background. 86 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,440 They don't know much about my grandparents, our grandparents, 87 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:51,320 I should say. And I've done a ton of research 88 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:56,880 on my journey and I just feel like, well, what, what have I 89 00:05:56,880 --> 00:06:00,000 got more to say? What have I got more to ask? 90 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,680 It's just, it's just feels like there's just two different 91 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:07,360 worlds and that's OK. That's completely OK. 92 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,560 I think that's something that we don't always hear about, and I 93 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,960 think it's important to talk about, right With so many of us. 94 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,200 We're very eager to have this connection with our biological 95 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,360 families, and we're really excited. 96 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:24,200 And sometimes they are welcoming and sometimes they're not. 97 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:28,720 And sometimes we talk about how it can be difficult to build 98 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,840 relationships with them, but I don't know that I've talked to 99 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,120 too many people who have ultimately kind of decided this 100 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,680 just isn't a fit. Can you talk a little bit more 101 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,360 about how you got to that place? Absolutely. 102 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:45,040 I think there's what I have found on my journey with my 103 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:49,960 surprise DNA test is to me, I, there's this romanticized 104 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,560 version where you do the DNA test, you get the shock that, Oh 105 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:57,280 my gosh, I'm a different ethnicity or my father's not my 106 00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,680 real father, who is my real father. 107 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,840 And there's this massive 7 stages of grief. 108 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:08,000 And I think what I, this is what I have seen in red is that there 109 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:13,160 is a, a, a, a union of meeting the other side. 110 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,840 And, you know, there's a bit of, you know, pain getting to know 111 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:21,840 each other, but then it's all, you know, woven in that person's 112 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:25,280 tapestry. And it just seems to be a bit of 113 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:29,480 a general story when it comes to that. 114 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:37,480 I don't feel like that because so much pain has come out of my 115 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,880 story. I have discovered so much more 116 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:46,560 in the last few years than just the DNA test and things weren't 117 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,560 right. I know everyone is just 118 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,360 everyone's different. Everyone, everyone's journey is 119 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:54,000 different. Everyone, every healing test is 120 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,960 different. Everyone's processing is 121 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,520 different with it all. And I just went, gosh, mine, 122 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:04,520 mine isn't written like that because I did hold on to a lot 123 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,760 of anger and pain in the first few years. 124 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:10,800 The deception from my mother. And then I have, I have not 125 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:15,520 spoken to her at all, at all. It's been 3 1/2 years since I've 126 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,920 spoken to her. And because her mother, my 127 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:23,560 grandmother knew the secret too, and I confronted her and she 128 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:27,280 denied it to me that she knew. I haven't spoken to her since 129 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,000 either. And that was Easter just over 130 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:34,720 three years ago. I have been very bitter with 131 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:39,000 with that, a lot of resentment. My walls have just gone up. 132 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:44,560 I, I don't allow people into my personal circle as much anymore. 133 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:49,840 And I've just really protected my heart through through this 134 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,320 process. It took me a long time to 135 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,360 forgive my mother and my grandmother. 136 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,320 It took me a long time to forgive my father too, my 137 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,000 biological father. But in saying all that, I'm not 138 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,800 this hermit that has pushed my whole family away. 139 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,920 This whole discovery has actually brought my stepfather 140 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:10,240 and IA lot closer, which has been quite beautiful, a very 141 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,880 beautiful relationship between a father and a daughter. 142 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:17,320 He has just been so supportive. There'll be times I'll just call 143 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,880 him and cry going I, I, I can't cope today be with with at all. 144 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,200 I'm angry with mom, I'm angry with everything. 145 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,840 And he's just the most cool, calm, collective man. 146 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:32,040 Bit of a voice of reason and helps me out and just listens to 147 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,360 me. Since we're talking about 148 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:38,560 family, I actually did tell my son last year in October. 149 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,760 And how did he take it? What did he think? 150 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,400 When I told him, I said, oh, Dimitri, there's something I've 151 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,680 got to tell you. And I said, oh, I remember the 152 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,400 DNA test that mummy and Daddy did. 153 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,840 And then Mummy was crying a lot. People were coming over to check 154 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,160 in on me. Mummy was talking so much about 155 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:59,720 her side of the family. And I told him and he goes, mum, 156 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,280 he was like staring at me with the biggest lighter's eyes 157 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,240 going, mum, this is such a crazy story. 158 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:10,360 He said to me, this is so crazy. But then he goes to me because 159 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:14,000 he calls him my father Papu, which is grandfather in Greek. 160 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,920 He goes, but Papua's your real dad. 161 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,040 You know, your real father's not your real dad. 162 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:23,920 Papua's your real dad. And I could not believe that he 163 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:28,320 like, no matter what, he still sees him as his real 164 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,920 grandfather. And I think that is just one of 165 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:37,040 the most beautiful, mature, open minded things he has ever said 166 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,360 to me. And it really just goes to show, 167 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,680 right, that that kids can handle this information. 168 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:47,680 We can tell children the truth and they are wise and they can 169 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:54,320 take in information and process it and understand and understand 170 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:58,360 how it changes or doesn't change their relationships. 171 00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:01,320 That's really great. And I think honesty is 172 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,520 everything. I'm glad that I told him sooner 173 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:08,000 rather than later because I think if I kept that for another 174 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,960 five years because I thought he wasn't ready, he could have 175 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,880 turned around going, mum, why don't you tell me sooner? 176 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,280 And I thought it was really important because we did go to 177 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:22,360 Sicily last year for a month. He he Dmitri wasn't as excited 178 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:28,120 as most 11 year olds at the time are and during preteen he 179 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,200 thought at first it was a bit of a boring trip, he just wanted to 180 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,280 be back home in Sydney with his friends. 181 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:38,320 But now it all makes sense why we went there, why I went to my 182 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:42,560 great grandparents village to research my family and connect 183 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:47,240 with the land that my Sicilian side became so disconnected when 184 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,840 they immigrated to America years ago. 185 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:56,200 So it was quite a lot for my son to tell him, this is one part of 186 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,720 your lineage and this is their story and This is why we're 187 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,320 here. But he's taking it in very well. 188 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:05,560 Real. I'm really impressed. 189 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,160 That's wonderful. Let's talk more about your trip 190 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:14,160 to Sicily because when we last spoke, you were really leaning 191 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:20,000 into that part of your DNA surprise and learning more about 192 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,120 your heritage. And I remember you talking about 193 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,920 how when you're finding these recipes in cooking your recipes, 194 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:31,800 but you felt a very deep connection to your ancestors as 195 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,680 you did that. So how is that going and what 196 00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:38,520 was your trip like? Yeah, so one of the main reasons 197 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:43,560 I honed into my Sicilian heritage is because my 198 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:49,520 biological father was a product of an affair as well, and my 199 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:53,120 grandmother had an affair with an American soldier. 200 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,240 It was my grandfather, and he was first generation American, 201 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:01,280 Sicilian. So I felt that there's been a 202 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:06,000 generation of disconnection from that line, that heritage. 203 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,680 And Sicily, from what I've been learning, is such a rich 204 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:13,520 culture. And I really wanted just to 205 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,760 delve deeper and connect because my grandfather was such a 206 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:21,480 mystery and I found him. Out of all of my relatives, I 207 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:26,120 look like him the most and his mother, my great grandmother, 208 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,280 just looks like a blonde haired, blue eyed version of my son. 209 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,560 So it's just incredible. I've got one photo of her. 210 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:36,000 And it's amazing how my son and I just were just cookie cutters 211 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:40,080 of my paternal lines, not just a Sicilian line. 212 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,040 And I just really wanted to connect with with that side. 213 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:47,200 And something inside of me, some fire was burning for me to go to 214 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,920 Sicily. So I, I ended up learning a bit 215 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,800 of Italian because no one in Sicily talks English. 216 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,960 So that was really nice to learn that as much as I could. 217 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:03,440 And I just, there was just something in me going, you need 218 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,800 to go, you need to go to Sicily. And I was getting reoccurring 219 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:12,000 dreams to go there. So we made a big trip of that. 220 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,760 One of the big reasons was I wanted to go to my great 221 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,680 grandparents village. I wanted to get some more 222 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:20,160 research. If I meet relatives, awesome. 223 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:24,440 If I don't, I understand because most of them are in America now. 224 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,640 But I did connect with a cousin from MyHeritage and other DNA 225 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:32,240 testing site. We got connected and he messaged 226 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:36,440 me and I said to him, oh, I'm, I'm actually coming to Sicily. 227 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,800 I'm going to stay near you. And he said, oh, we've got to 228 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:43,360 meet and we met. And that. 229 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,840 It was so lovely, like he's actually from my great 230 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,880 grandfather's side of the family. 231 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,160 When I figured it all out and I didn't tell him about my 232 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:57,640 surprise DNA test and when we were catching up for a coffee, 233 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,000 he goes to me. Why did you take the test? 234 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:04,320 And so I sent him an article of mine that was published in 235 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,000 Australia going this will answer your question. 236 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:11,840 It was just so nice to meet his little daughter. 237 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,840 She was very excited to meet me, very excited to have family in 238 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:19,400 Sydney because they all assume that the families in America. 239 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,960 So it's it's exciting to have someone new. 240 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,800 Yeah. And it was just really lovely 241 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,600 someone I don't know, but you feel connected and it's just so 242 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:33,640 weird that I've got family on this little island in the 243 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:39,080 Mediterranean and it but it all felt so natural and a normal and 244 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,320 that was a really lovely experience. 245 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,080 I'm I'm so grateful. But I think I'll tell a really 246 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,960 short and sweet story of when I went into my great grandparents 247 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,800 village. So I was staying near there for 248 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:56,400 a week and to get to our villa, we were staying like we had to 249 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,800 drive through to get through there and check in. 250 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,200 And my husband goes, well, why don't we stop in your great 251 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,320 grandparents village? Since we're driving through, I 252 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,400 said, let's go to the street my great grandfather grew up in 253 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,880 because I I had the street name. So we got there. 254 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,760 And so my first steps in this tiny little village in the 255 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,480 middle of nowhere in the countryside was in my great 256 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,040 grand father straight. It just felt like I've been 257 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,160 there 1000 times over for centuries. 258 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:26,760 It just felt so right. And then there was a group of 259 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:31,200 people in the street just staring at me and my husband 260 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,240 goes to be, why don't we go and talk to them and see if they 261 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,680 might know if you've got any living relatives. 262 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,760 I said they don't know English. That how how am I supposed to 263 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,120 talk to him? He goes, I've got the Google 264 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,600 translator in my phone. Let's go and talk to them. 265 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:49,640 So he did it for me going, oh, look, my wife is Sicilian. 266 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,360 Her great grandparents are from here. 267 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,640 Would you happen to know anyone with these last names? 268 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:58,040 And he rattled off my great grandparents last names and 269 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:02,040 their parents. And one man just piped up and he 270 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,640 goes, look, let me help you. And then we got talking. 271 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,079 And then we knocked on a few talks asking are you related to 272 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:11,280 any of these people? And they were like, no. 273 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,400 And I said to him, look, it's over 100 years ago, you know, 274 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:19,119 people probably died, they've moved, it's all good. 275 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,000 And then he goes to me, where are you staying? 276 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,520 And I'll try and get some information on your family for 277 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,400 you. I said, oh, that would be great. 278 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:29,000 And then he contacted me. We started talking on WhatsApp 279 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:33,160 because my Italian is horrible. So it's just easier to use 280 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:37,360 WhatsApp, use a translator. And he sent me a bunch of 281 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:40,000 information on my great grandfather's family. 282 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,920 And he said, you do have a really living relative, but 283 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,520 she's not in the village at the moment. 284 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,560 She's on holiday. But he goes, but don't worry, 285 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,480 I've booked an appointment for you to see the council because 286 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:53,280 that's where all the records are of, of all like birth 287 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,040 certificates, marriage certificates, death 288 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,680 certificates. And I said, oh, that's awesome. 289 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,600 Like, thank you so much. A few years ago when I was 290 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,640 looking for my grandfather, I reached out to a girl in the 291 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,080 village on Facebook to see if she knew anything. 292 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:13,360 But at that time, I had a fake name of my grandfather because 293 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,400 he gave my grandmother a different name. 294 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:20,040 Because what soldiers do they give false names so they don't 295 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,720 get tracked down by their lovers that they've hooked up with in 296 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,000 the war. So this girl and I, we stayed in 297 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,960 contact because she said to me we could be indirectly related, 298 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,440 but you look like one of ours. But then I eventually told her 299 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,000 who I was and who my great grandparents were. 300 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,440 We didn't meet, unfortunately, in Sicily. 301 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,760 She was out of the island at the time. 302 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,600 But she said to me, Yvette, have you gone to the council yet to 303 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,760 do your research? And I said, oh, I'm actually 304 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,400 going tomorrow. She's, oh, wonderful. 305 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:53,360 And when I got there, there was these two men standing outside 306 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,440 and I waved to them and they came up to me and it turned out 307 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,640 to be my friend's father and his friend. 308 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,960 And we just got talking. So we went upstairs to do the 309 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,760 research and I got my second great grandparents marriage 310 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,760 certificate and I'm looking at it. 311 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:13,000 And then he goes to me, my friend's father, He looked at 312 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,560 me, he goes there, we're cousins. 313 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,880 And I went what? And he explained to me how we're 314 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:24,000 cousins and all I remember was we're just looking at each other 315 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,600 with tears in our eyes. And I just could not believe it. 316 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,320 And then my new friend that organized the appointment, he 317 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,680 came running upstairs and he looked at my cousin and he 318 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,240 looked at me and he's like how do you 2 know each other? 319 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,960 And he explained it like the whole few years in a nutshell. 320 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,840 And my friend just looked at me going you found the right 321 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:48,600 people. And I sure did because in my 322 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:53,080 journey of researching my family, this Sicilian historian 323 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:58,320 published 2 books on the genealogy of the villages in 324 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,960 this village. It's from like the 1600s to 325 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,880 1990. And it's like, Oh my gosh, I 326 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,200 need to get a hold of these books. 327 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,320 I could not find them anywhere. I was looking at Italian forums, 328 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,920 Facebook groups, contacting book shops in Sicily. 329 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,320 They're like, no, no, sorry, it's sold that nut. 330 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,920 It's out of publishment. And he gifted me these books. 331 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,080 That was his parting gift for me. 332 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:25,560 I just could not believe it. My journey of pain, deception, 333 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:32,520 betrayal has become a romantic Sicilian story of connecting 334 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:38,320 with not just the land, but with relatives and making friends. 335 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,160 Like I have never felt so home in a village. 336 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:48,560 And I am saying, and this with like so much assertion, because 337 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:53,600 I have been to Greece as my husband's Greek, my, my son is 338 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,640 of, you know, half Greek heritage. 339 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,840 And I fell in love with the islands when I went there. 340 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,320 And I've been to Croatia because my mother's Croatian. 341 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:09,200 And again, I felt connected, but it wasn't the same level of like 342 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,240 feeling home in Sicily. I don't know if it's because 343 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:16,840 I've not known about it for 35 years and I don't know if it's 344 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:21,000 it was something that was missing from me that's always 345 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:25,120 been there. But walking through the village, 346 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:28,720 I was looking at everyone. And I've never seen so many 347 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,200 little girls and women my age that look like me. 348 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:36,000 I have never had so many people come up to me just asking who I 349 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,760 am. Is your family from here? 350 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,200 What are their last names? And then they start going on the 351 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:44,400 phone talking to their friends to find out if they know anyone. 352 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:50,720 It was a real homecoming for me. I just can't wait to go back, 353 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,560 especially with the friendship I made with this particular man. 354 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:59,240 Are you still in touch with him? Yes, Yeah, we're in touch. 355 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,680 It's like the uncle I never. Had he's. 356 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:05,840 Waiting for us to come back and he took time out of his day to 357 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:10,320 help me out and that's something that people wouldn't really do. 358 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:15,360 Yeah, no, I mean, that's just incredibly generous. 359 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:20,240 And you know, to your point, it is this beautiful story of, you 360 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:24,160 know, you searching for the truth and, and not getting it 361 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:29,000 from the people that you're closest to and then finding it 362 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:34,320 from strangers like across the world who just welcomed you with 363 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,920 open arms. That is so incredible. 364 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:42,080 When are you going to go back? I want to go in a couple of 365 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:45,680 years time. I I just fell in love with the 366 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,120 island so deeply. Just those little pockets of 367 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,720 moments. When I was in western Sicily, I 368 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:56,680 was in a beautiful little village called Marsala, and we, 369 00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:00,600 my husband and I went to the beach for the day and I went for 370 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:03,920 a swim on my own. I just remember floating in the 371 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:08,000 ocean and I just started crying. And it just felt like this 372 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:13,760 baptismal, like the, the, the ocean was just embracing me. 373 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,720 Like, finally you're home. You're, you're here. 374 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:21,920 And it was just like every, everywhere I went because I saw 375 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:26,520 most of the West Coast of Sicily and then I saw a few places in 376 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:31,160 the South Coast and then we went to one city in the East Coast. 377 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:37,080 Every place just felt just right, like everything just made 378 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:37,760 sense. That's. 379 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:40,520 So beautiful it brought tears to my eyes when you said. 380 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,960 That and I'll never dismiss my my my my biological paternal 381 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:52,200 grandmother's heritage as well. She's got a check Jewish and 382 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,240 Middle Eastern heritage and some people go to me. 383 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,080 Oh, that How come you don't brace the Czech heritage? 384 00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,920 You always talk about the Sicilian. 385 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:04,280 I said because when I found out I was part Czech, I was at peace 386 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:09,360 with it straight away because my favorite authors are Czech and 387 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:13,040 the Czech, you know, is a Slavic culture and heritage, which is 388 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,600 very similar to Croatian. The South Slavic heritage. 389 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:21,360 If I want to look up on, you know, like Slavic gods and 390 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,280 goddesses and mythology, it's it's the same. 391 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:28,000 I'm already connected. Like it's, it's already there. 392 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,400 I don't have to go, oh, what do I need to know about the, you 393 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,160 know, Czech history or what do I need to know? 394 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:37,720 About of a shift as what? Exactly. 395 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:41,440 Exactly. I was going to ask you, I think 396 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:46,720 for some people there is a bit of guilt with maybe not feeling 397 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:51,040 that instant connection with the family and not wanting to pursue 398 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:55,000 a relationship or maybe even wanting to, but it's just not 399 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,680 feeling right. How did you come to terms with 400 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:02,080 that and feel OK with it? Because you seem, and correct me 401 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,320 if I'm wrong, but you seem to be like, you know, it's on me and 402 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,720 this is what I've decided and this is what's right for me. 403 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:13,000 How did you get to that place? I think when we did our DNA 404 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:17,600 tests and it was a massive shock to our system, our way of life, 405 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,760 our our life has been narrated for decades. 406 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:26,680 You at first go like there's this, there's a lot of anger, 407 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:31,920 like a lot of piercing, burning anger where you go. 408 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,400 How could our mothers do this to us? 409 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:38,400 How could they deny not only of us, of our biological father 410 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:42,320 about our ethnicity? Cause we've got a bit of ways 411 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,760 you and I are let's, it's not just. 412 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:47,480 Yeah. We've got a different father. 413 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:51,440 We're we're connecting with ethnicities that could have been 414 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,160 buried and we would have never known. 415 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:58,520 And our DNA, our spirit inside would have been screaming for it 416 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:03,480 until the day we died. And there's that first space 417 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:06,520 we've got to move into with this anger, rage. 418 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,520 There is victimizer. How could they do that to me? 419 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:13,320 What have I done so bad in this life to do to get through that? 420 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:18,280 And I think I realized I had to take accountability of my 421 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:23,880 actions and choices because when I got to the point, look what 422 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:29,920 happened 39 years ago, because I'm now 39, I could never have 423 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,680 controlled the narrative. I wasn't even born. 424 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:37,240 I didn't make that choice to cheat and, you know, have a 425 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:41,240 child and hide that from them when the child was questioning 426 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:42,560 it. That wasn't my choices and 427 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,360 decision. That was my mother and my 428 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,960 biological father and my grandmother and I had to come at 429 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,680 peace with that going. I can't change what happened. 430 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:57,800 I can only change my outlook on everything and what will bring 431 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:02,560 me peace from all these and what can what joy can I get out of 432 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,360 all of these? With the whole decision of not 433 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:10,240 wanting to be in contact with my immediate family, there was some 434 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:14,480 things that were said and I didn't like obviously I didn't 435 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,800 express it going, hey, I don't like that, but it will. 436 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:20,480 I internalized it and it just didn't fit right. 437 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:24,280 Like something it's like, what if I met up with my siblings? 438 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:30,040 What can I possibly say and add value to this new relationship 439 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,000 where it took a lot of, you know, chewing and froing like a 440 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,400 pendulum? Even my husband will question it 441 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:36,360 going what? Why? 442 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:40,280 Why you want to be in contact with your extended family and 443 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:44,000 not your immediate family. And I said because I want to 444 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,680 know more about my family. My siblings can't. 445 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:50,640 They can't offer that to me. They wouldn't be able to. 446 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:54,320 I think there's still a bit of pain as well because not only do 447 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:58,720 I look so much like my biological father, we have a lot 448 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:02,160 in common and that really behind me. 449 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,960 We basically studied the same degree. 450 00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:09,320 And when I finished my degree, I wanted to be a like a diplomat. 451 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:14,520 Like I wanted to get into that Ave. and I found out my father 452 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,720 was a diplomat. That's was his career when he 453 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,720 immigrated to Australia. And I was just like, is this a 454 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:23,960 sick joke? And then I learned more about 455 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:27,560 him. He knew 5 languages and I'm up 456 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,280 to my fourth language learning a language. 457 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:36,000 His favorite food was goulash. That's my favorite food. 458 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:39,920 How can I have so much in common with someone I didn't know? 459 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,920 I still sit there and I spin out sometimes going. 460 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:47,760 We've got so much in common, and I'll share a story why I'm still 461 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:52,800 so horrified when I was emailing my sister in the early days to 462 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:56,800 find out about my family and get some photos and, you know, 463 00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:00,760 asking all the general questions like medical history and things 464 00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:04,040 like that. She sent me an e-mail that he 465 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:07,160 sent to her when he was dying of lung cancer. 466 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:13,360 And it was about a book by Franz Kafka, Metamorphosis. 467 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,560 Have you read that book? I haven't. 468 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:22,880 So in the book it's about a man that morphs into this really 469 00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:28,480 ugly insect and he was describing that in his e-mail to 470 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:32,160 my older sister. When I read that e-mail, I had a 471 00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:37,160 nervous breakdown reading it because 10 years ago I had 472 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:41,640 severe post Natal depression and I tried to take my life from the 473 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:45,640 severity of it. And I got put into a psychiatric 474 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,720 ward and there was two things I brought with me to the 475 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:53,480 psychiatric ward. One was a notepad and pen, and I 476 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:57,520 brought one book from my whole book collection and it was Franz 477 00:29:57,520 --> 00:29:59,280 Kafka's Metamorphosis. Oh. 478 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:03,040 Wow. Oh that gives me chills. 479 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:08,840 Still shatters my brains to this day and I've only told a few 480 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:11,880 selected people and they can't believe it. 481 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:16,480 They're they're mortified. Like, how do you have so much in 482 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:20,760 common with him? And there was missed 483 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:25,560 opportunities to meet and ask him a zillion questions about my 484 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:30,040 family. I think for me, I just kind of 485 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:33,720 checked out when my older sister started asking me questions, 486 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,960 like because my father was a practising Jew and she said, I 487 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,520 wonder where the Jewish is from. It's like, I don't know. 488 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:42,520 I didn't grow up with him. If you had that. 489 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:46,880 Curious questions and you had him in your life. 490 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:51,320 I'd be asking all those questions like I maybe I just 491 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:54,720 think differently. I just don't understand why you 492 00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:58,320 coming to me when I just found out, but I did my work like I 493 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:02,200 would I I used to ring up synagogues going Hey, I've got a 494 00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:06,400 few questions. Like I remember, I remember when 495 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:10,440 we, when we spoke, we talked about like Judaism 101 or 496 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:14,160 something just so that you could get like the basics because you 497 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,080 were curious about that part of you. 498 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:20,880 And I think this just being part of my personality, if I want to 499 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:24,880 know something, I just ask. I found out from my great 500 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:29,240 grandmother's side that none of the women lived until I think 501 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:31,000 they all lived until their early 60s. 502 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,760 They all died of heart attacks and strokes. 503 00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:39,320 That's so important to know those little things because my 504 00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:43,480 whole life I thought I was going to live until 100 because on my 505 00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:47,280 dad's side, there's longevity. It's a lot to take in. 506 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:49,240 Yeah. And we've kept in touch, you 507 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:53,120 know, through few emails here and there over the years. 508 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:56,480 And you mentioned that you've been on like a really emotional 509 00:31:56,480 --> 00:32:00,960 journey. Is some of that the finding even 510 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,200 more parallels between you and your father a big part of that? 511 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:07,760 Is there anything else that's been difficult for you? 512 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,400 My mental health has been horrible. 513 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:14,400 I think that's something we don't really talk about because 514 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:19,080 of that journey. The you do the DNA test, it's 515 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:22,360 all shock, anger and stuff. But then some people connect 516 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:26,360 with their family and then it becomes like the healing journey 517 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,080 can happen. And I don't have that. 518 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,920 Unfortunately. All I've got is emails and books 519 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:37,920 and, you know, photos and stories and clippings from 520 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:42,000 ancestry. And I can't ring up my grandma 521 00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:45,760 and go, hey, can you tell me more about the Jewish side and 522 00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:49,320 the Middle Eastern side? Tell me more about that. 523 00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:52,360 I can't. I've, I've mapped out her 524 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:55,640 father's side, the Czech side, I've mapped that out until the 525 00:32:55,640 --> 00:33:03,160 1600s, that family. And it's just like you go into 526 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:08,040 these deep spells of trauma and that's not something that you 527 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:10,040 choose to do. It just happens. 528 00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:13,160 For example, like everything was all fun. 529 00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:16,560 Like I was on a high from my trip in Sicily last year. 530 00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:18,280 I was on a high from it for months. 531 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:21,320 And, you know, when you come back on a from a vacation, you 532 00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:24,000 go in that depression for a couple of weeks and it takes a 533 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,360 while to get back into in a normal state. 534 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:29,000 It took me months. I felt like I was I, I left a 535 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:31,840 lover. You know, I'm pining for him. 536 00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:37,120 I'm pining for this island. And so everything was great. 537 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,560 You know, I told my son the truth. 538 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:45,160 It just dawned over me over Christmas depression. 539 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:48,560 I went into this state of, you know, the running of the old 540 00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:52,680 movie in hope that my my biological father was going to 541 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,600 knock on the door on Christmas Day and say I'm here. 542 00:33:55,600 --> 00:34:00,440 And it just was so painful. It's like, how do I get out of 543 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:02,680 it? And it's so frustrating because 544 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:07,200 I've been to therapy and I'm the first case of this surprise DNA 545 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:10,080 test for them. So they can help me with my 546 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,639 childhood traumas. They can help me out with 547 00:34:12,639 --> 00:34:17,360 identity, but not this event that I went through. 548 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:20,719 And it was just, I just felt so alone. 549 00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:25,320 I just felt really, really, really depressed and anxious. 550 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,719 It wasn't the feeling I had when I had my PND. 551 00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:31,719 It's a totally different feeling. 552 00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:36,120 It's like your soul gets put into a different dimension and 553 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:39,840 you're looking back at your journey and it's like, what am I 554 00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,440 doing? Am I working too hard on this, 555 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:46,480 on my research? Am I pushing the healing too 556 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:49,040 fast? And then it effects me as a 557 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:53,760 mother, as a wife, it affects all of those relationships 558 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,560 because my husband's probably thinking why she like me. 559 00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:59,800 She's she's gone to Sicily, she's learning the language, 560 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:01,720 she's cooking, she's connecting with relatives. 561 00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:06,720 But it's, it's a really, it's a really lonely journey. 562 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:11,360 Last year I did connect with someone in real life in the 563 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:14,880 flesh that's had a similar journey to me. 564 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:19,840 We met at work and she found out she was when she was 19. 565 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:23,240 Her dad wasn't her real dad like one of her siblings told her. 566 00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:28,440 And so she's in her mid 50s now and she's been my rock. 567 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,120 So when I do go through these spells, I go to her. 568 00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:35,160 Is this normal? It's me is that it's only been 569 00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:39,320 three years, 3 1/2 years. Like, give yourself some grace. 570 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:44,200 Yes. Just everything I say, like I 571 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:48,400 don't want to meet my siblings or I'm still angry or and she'll 572 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:53,040 go, that's OK, that's OK. Like she gives me the validation 573 00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:55,840 I've already given myself. But I needed to hear it from 574 00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:58,440 someone else who's gone through it similar similar sense. 575 00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:01,040 I'm so glad that you were able to connect with someone in 576 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:02,800 person. It really does make a 577 00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:04,800 difference. You know, there's so many 578 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:10,120 wonderful online spaces and I've connected with so many people 579 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:13,680 through the podcast, but the people that I've met in person, 580 00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:17,680 it's just just a totally different kind of experience to 581 00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:20,960 like share space with somebody who's gone through it. 582 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,160 So I'm really glad that you found that. 583 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:28,400 Yeah, because there's no like resources, like there's no 584 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:34,800 conventions, there's no big things that is happening. 585 00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:39,520 And maybe I should start that. But I've just been so deep in my 586 00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:46,240 healing and I have been greedy in that sense because I I need 587 00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:47,720 it. I need that time out. 588 00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:51,480 I need the time to cry if I need to. 589 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:58,000 Or if I want that joy, I'll crank up Sicilian music in my 590 00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:03,120 lounge room while I cook. And I'm just forever discovering 591 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:05,360 things. What is next for you? 592 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:09,280 I mean, you your 3 1/2 years we're, we're almost the same. 593 00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:12,080 We're about the same time. So I feel like we're, we've been 594 00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:15,760 kind of going through this on the same timeline, similar 595 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:19,920 timelines. What is next for you as you move 596 00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:22,640 forward? I want to learn more Italian so 597 00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:25,920 I'm more proficient when I go next. 598 00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:30,920 I I do want to go to America one day to find out a bit more 599 00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:34,000 information on my great grandparents because they worked 600 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,640 in the cotton fields in the turn of the century when they 601 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:40,000 arrived. And then they moved up to 602 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:45,120 Buffalo in New York State. And I heard there's a big 603 00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:48,400 Sicilian community there. So that would be really cool to 604 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:53,040 go up there, pay homage to their resting places. 605 00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:57,160 But I don't know when that trip will be. 606 00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,920 I don't know what's going to happen next. 607 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:04,920 I am studying counselling now. I'm doing my counselling course 608 00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:10,440 to because I want to help people with their surprise DNA tests 609 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:12,480 here because there's a massive gap. 610 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:15,880 There's no one here that specializes in it. 611 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:18,120 And I think that's really important. 612 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:23,480 If I can get through these next few years and heal a bit better, 613 00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:27,240 then I can definitely give back to those who are struggling. 614 00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:31,640 I don't know, I'm such an impatient person, Alexis, that I 615 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:35,280 just want everything to, you know, fall into place. 616 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:38,720 And I just want things to make more sense. 617 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:42,560 But I know that's not the reality. 618 00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:47,320 I think, you know, we just want to be healed so quickly from it, 619 00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:49,800 as in like, we want that pain gone. 620 00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:53,400 We want those tears to go away, but they never will. 621 00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:57,520 It's not like, you know, a, a, a family member of really close 622 00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:01,240 friend passing away. And you go through those motions 623 00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:04,440 of grief of losing someone and longing for them. 624 00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:08,400 And then over time, you know, their anniversaries might be 625 00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:13,560 theory, or you might remember a fun memory and you laugh and cry 626 00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:16,840 at the same time. This is just so different for me 627 00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,440 because I'm grieving. I'm grieving for, you know, the 628 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:23,920 lost time with things. I, I, I grieve that I never knew 629 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:27,840 who I was on a ethnicity basis. But then I didn't know my 630 00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:30,960 father. I didn't know my grandparents. 631 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:36,000 And I feel like that's all being robbed and taken away from me. 632 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:39,640 Even not knowing my siblings. People will go, well, then why 633 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:41,440 don't you connect with them? It's like, well, I don't know 634 00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:44,680 what to say. I really want to just thank you 635 00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:49,240 for acknowledging kind of the the range of feelings that 636 00:39:49,240 --> 00:39:52,800 people have as they move through this because, you know, like I 637 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:59,000 said earlier, not everyone maybe will feel that bond with their 638 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:02,000 new found family And and that's OK. 639 00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:06,600 You know, we're all different and it's OK for us to just honor 640 00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:09,760 how we feel as we move through this. 641 00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:14,360 We know who our friends are, we know who our family is, and 642 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:17,400 families are not always blood. That's true, right? 643 00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:20,040 We definitely learned that through this experience. 644 00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:24,840 I like to see everything as a case study and go, OK, what's 645 00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:28,280 going to bring me joy? Because if I start holding onto 646 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:31,920 this hate toxicity, that's not going to be good for my journey 647 00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:33,320 and healing. That's not going to put me back 648 00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:38,200 to square 1 the the first week of opening the DNA test, you 649 00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:42,240 know, and then descending into not just the rabble hole, but 650 00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:43,600 the, you know, the steps of hell. 651 00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:48,320 Like it's just you can't. It's OK. 652 00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:50,600 When you feel that pain, let let it out. 653 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:54,240 But I'm not going to be the same person I was 3 1/2 years ago. 654 00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:59,200 Yeah, we're not going to be the same people that we were when it 655 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,240 started. And I think a lot of times we 656 00:41:01,240 --> 00:41:03,480 hear you're still you. You're still you. 657 00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:08,600 And yes, we are. Who we are and who we are is 658 00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:11,040 changed. Yvette, thank you so much for 659 00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:15,200 joining me again and sharing an update. 660 00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:18,720 I can't say enough. I have so much gratitude for you 661 00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:25,080 trusting me with your story when I was just a fresh DNA surprised 662 00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:29,320 person and PE reaching out in Facebook groups going does 663 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,320 anyone want to tell me your story? 664 00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:35,040 Because it really has helped me feel so much less alone in my 665 00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:37,400 journey. And I know, like I said, you 666 00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:41,560 have helped thousands of people with your story, so thank you. 667 00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:47,840 Thank you so much for allowing me to share my story on your 668 00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:52,440 platform, on your space and giving this opportunity for us 669 00:41:54,000 --> 00:42:00,040 surprise DNA test people because we're not just from an affair, 670 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:05,400 we're from a donor can see we're from adoption one night stands, 671 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:10,880 you name it. And it's just a very, very 672 00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:14,480 different we, we, we see the world very differently. 673 00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:17,880 We've got a different lens, and what's the one thing that 674 00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:22,120 connects us humans is storytelling and the lessons 675 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:25,680 from these stories. And we need that. 676 00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:27,560 We need to make sense of it somehow. 677 00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:32,120 So listening to these episodes from time to time gives me fresh 678 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:35,600 perspectives too. I really appreciate it. 679 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:39,360 Thank you so much. After Yvette and I had our 680 00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:42,560 conversation, I thought of one more question I really wanted to 681 00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:46,440 ask her. As you know, every episode I ask 682 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:49,720 people for advice for parents who are keeping DNA surprises 683 00:42:49,720 --> 00:42:53,160 from their children, as well As for people who recently 684 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:57,920 uncovered Adna surprise. For her update, I wanted to know 685 00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:02,480 what advice a vet would give the version of her who first 686 00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:07,280 appeared on the podcast The Event of October 2021. 687 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:12,120 Here's what she said. What advice would I give to the 688 00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:16,000 event back in October 2021? The best is yet to. 689 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:21,400 Come and don't beat yourself up with how you little. 690 00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:26,520 You think you have come. Because in fact, you have come 691 00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:31,000 such a long way. With all the research asking. 692 00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:35,320 The questions reaching out to. People you know for the. 693 00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:40,360 Answers that you have been seeking for I just want to let 694 00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:46,960 the event of 2021 that I am so proud of her and just to keep 695 00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:51,360 going. Don't let anyone dictate how you 696 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:55,320 should be handling this, how you should be healing. 697 00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:58,720 Everything you are doing is just the. 698 00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:01,560 Best you. Can do and there's no. 699 00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:07,520 Textbook or rulebook to say. What you are doing is wrong or 700 00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:11,240 you should be taking it either way or reacting how you have 701 00:44:11,240 --> 00:44:16,320 been reacting because I can tell you something that there's just 702 00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:21,120 so much more you are going to discover over the next few. 703 00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:24,840 Years it is going to. Blow your mind away. 704 00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:28,000 And it will all. Make sense? 705 00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:31,520 Trust me. Thanks once again to Yvette for 706 00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:34,600 sharing her story and for trusting me with it straight 707 00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:37,920 from the beginning. Stay tuned for more updates from 708 00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:43,200 past guests this season. If you have Adna surprise that 709 00:44:43,200 --> 00:44:47,720 you'd like to share, submit your story at dnasurprises.com. 710 00:44:48,240 --> 00:44:53,040 Until next time, This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, 711 00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:57,000 produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt. 712 00:44:57,560 --> 00:45:01,880 It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording 713 00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:02,600 Studios.