1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,800 The mirror thing was the first thing I experienced for sure, So 2 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:08,600 much so I got a tattoo of a broken mirror because I I think 3 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:12,800 that when I first started going through this and I think that 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:17,040 therapy helped me get to this point, but I didn't realize how 5 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,560 much power I gave to those things either. 6 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:24,520 I needed to be more confident in myself and who I am as a person 7 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:27,680 at that time. But because I was so broken down 8 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:32,240 by the lies and the betrayal and the sadness and the hurt, I 9 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,280 allowed all of those other feelings to like creep in and 10 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,360 make me change how I felt about myself. 11 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,440 It's almost like relearning yourself. 12 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:45,680 Like I thought I knew who I was, but joke's on me, I didn't. 13 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:51,280 And now I need to relearn who I am and kind of like, teach 14 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:54,480 myself who I am because I feel like I have these tools now I 15 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:58,640 didn't have before that allow me to see things differently. 16 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:04,160 Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the 17 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,840 world of unexpected DNA discoveries. 18 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:13,320 I'm your host, Alexis ourselves. In July 2021, my life took a 19 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:18,200 surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who 20 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,040 has experienced a non paternal event. 21 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,600 In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he 22 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,600 was. Join me as we explore the 23 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:33,680 stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their 24 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,480 families. Get ready to unravel the 25 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,640 astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test. 26 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:46,560 This is DNA surprises. Hindsight is 2020. 27 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:51,280 After experiencing ADNA surprise, it's easy to look back 28 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,400 at moments throughout our childhoods and realize that the 29 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:59,240 truth was there all along. Growing up in Indiana, Brittany 30 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:03,160 always felt like an outsider. Her parents were divorced, and 31 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:06,160 when she asked her father if she could go live with him, he 32 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,440 revealed that he wasn't her biological father, which her 33 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:13,240 mother denied. Years later, Brittany took ADNA 34 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:17,160 test, which revealed that her lifelong father was not her 35 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:21,280 biological father. In this episode, Brittany shares 36 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,520 how the revelation rocked her sense of identity and her 37 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,200 lifelong relationships. She also discusses how she's 38 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:31,560 connected with her new found family and found a sense of 39 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,360 belonging. Thank you for sharing your 40 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,120 story, Brittany. My name is Brittany. 41 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:41,480 I am 30 years old and I'm from Central IN. 42 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,560 I grew up with my mom and my little brother. 43 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:48,000 It was mostly just like the three of us as like a core 44 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:52,040 family unit. I grew up with AI don't call him 45 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,360 my birth certificate. Father and I, I'll kind of get 46 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,480 into that, but I call him my lifelong father now. 47 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,240 I grew up with him. He was around so often. 48 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,880 I would see him on holidays as a teenager. 49 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,080 I kind of would see him more when I had friends in his 50 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,120 neighborhood I would hang out with, but it was really just me 51 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,240 and my mom and my brother most of the time. 52 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:15,200 She was a bartender, so she worked nights, weekends, really 53 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,120 all of the time that we weren't in school when she was working, 54 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:22,480 it was just me and my brother. He was born in 2000, so we have 55 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,760 like a six year age gap. So I kind of feel like I took on 56 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,560 more of like a mother role for him, not really a sister. 57 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,720 I think now that I know my DNA surprise, I think there are some 58 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:37,240 things that kind of stick out to me like as a kid that I kind of 59 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,000 should have seen as a red flag that maybe I just missed. 60 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,120 Or I think some of them, they kind of were explained away. 61 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,800 So I was just trusting in the fact that the things that the 62 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,160 people were telling me were true. 63 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:53,200 A couple of them were, we were on Medicaid growing up and you 64 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,800 had to present like you're supporting documents, your pay 65 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,520 stubs, your birth certificates, all of these things. 66 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,640 And I remember one time we went to the office and I noticed that 67 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,040 I had no father listed on my birth certificate. 68 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,040 It had my mom's name and then the. 69 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,400 Birth father was blank. And now I know it's like a silly 70 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:14,720 story, but then she told me that my dad had got into some trouble 71 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,920 and he wasn't there at the time of the signing. 72 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,240 So I kind of was like, OK, that makes sense. 73 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,240 And my dad was known for getting into trouble when I was in a 74 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,240 kid, so kind of made sense. There was a couple other things 75 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:30,640 where you'd go through like high school and you would go through 76 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:34,080 biology class and they are talking about your different 77 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:35,880 traits and how they're passed down to you. 78 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:39,640 And I have a widow's peak, I call it this avatar arrow on my 79 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,840 forehead. It's very noticeable. 80 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:47,040 And when you're in that class, those are the kind of rare DNA 81 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,280 traits that you pass down that you try to backtrack where you 82 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:53,120 got it from. That was one thing that no one 83 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,120 in my family had. So that was kind of an 84 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,880 unexplained mystery. And then I think the last thing 85 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:03,680 that kind of piqued my interest and the possibility of taking 86 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:07,440 ADNA test when I was in high school, my dad, I was over at 87 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,920 his house and I didn't want to be living at my mom's house 88 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,680 anymore. I was going through that phase 89 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,080 where teenage girls just don't like their moms. 90 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,480 And I wanted to go live with my dad. 91 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,680 And it was always, no, you can't live here. 92 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,320 No, it's not possible. And I finally just asked him 93 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:25,880 like, why? Why can't I? 94 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,320 This is what I want to do. And at that age, I feel like 95 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,560 most of my friends that had divorced or separated parents, 96 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,160 they were able to choose where they wanted to live. 97 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,160 So I didn't really understand why I couldn't go live with my 98 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,520 dad. And one night he told me that 99 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,160 there was a possibility that he was not my dad. 100 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:47,040 That shocked me. I think I was 15 when I went 101 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,400 home that weekend to to my mom's house. 102 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,880 I asked her about it and her first reaction was anger. 103 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:59,240 She just was upset that I was even asking the question. 104 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,480 It was just so far fetched. She made it seem that like I was 105 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,440 being outlandish. It was kind of just something 106 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,720 that was dropped. I kind of just moved on and was 107 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,000 like whatever, I can't live with my dad, it is what it is and 108 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,040 just kept on moving. When I was in high school, I met 109 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,880 my now husband. My life kind of changed then. 110 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:20,120 I wasn't necessarily in my brother's mom anymore. 111 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,600 I kind of had my own life, my own things I was doing. 112 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,760 I think I started focusing more on me. 113 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,720 Then I moved out of my mom's house very soon after I turned 114 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,560 18. I moved right in with my 115 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,280 boyfriend, now husband. I think it was just always this 116 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:39,000 like overwhelming feeling of being an outsider that kind of 117 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,760 really pushed me to take the test. 118 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:45,920 So when you took the test, yes, were you thinking my maybe my 119 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:50,600 dad is not my biological father? Was it just wanting to get some 120 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,000 answers about who you were and why you felt like an outsider? 121 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,680 Yeah, I think it was more so answers with my brother and my 122 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,400 brother's dad being in the picture. 123 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:02,920 I was kind of always this, the outsider within that family. 124 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,760 Once my brother and his dad entered the picture. 125 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,760 And then on the flip side, at my dad's house, he was then married 126 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:13,400 to a new lady and my dad then had stepchildren. 127 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,840 So I kind of then felt like a outsider there. 128 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,800 I think the goal of it was definitely to see if anything 129 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:23,080 popped up for my dad. I was working and my boss at the 130 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:28,720 time, she was telling me that she took the ancestry test and 131 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,160 that she had found a sister she didn't know existed. 132 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:37,200 And I think at that point, it kind of opened my eyes to, OK, 133 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,960 maybe I do have a different dad, but then also what if I have 134 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,360 other siblings I don't know about? 135 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,480 And I think that that was like the real push. 136 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,440 I had such a close relationship with my little brother, kind of 137 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:52,280 raising him as we were kids. And I couldn't imagine loving 138 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,040 another person as much as I love him sibling wise. 139 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,920 So I think that that possibility also piqued a lot of my interest 140 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,960 in taking it. But on the same note, I was 141 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,880 super nervous. There was a man that was in and 142 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:09,480 out of like me and my mom's life as a child, as a family friend 143 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,880 is what he would be referred to as, and I always thought I kind 144 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,080 of looked like him. I didn't see any similarities in 145 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:19,760 me and my dad or any of my dad's family, so I think I was always 146 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,080 just curious. This specific family friend had 147 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:27,400 actually passed away a few years before I took my test, so I was 148 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,640 either expecting that nothing was going to come back at all, 149 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,440 it was just going to be empty results, or that it may possibly 150 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,720 pop up with this other guy who had passed away. 151 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,080 And so I was kind of preparing myself for those two 152 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,600 possibilities. I ordered the test on the 153 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,440 Father's Day sale, which I think is really weird now that I look 154 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,600 back at it. And so I ordered it. 155 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,040 I took the test immediately and sent it off. 156 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:56,320 And I think exactly 6 weeks to the day later, I got a 157 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,360 notification on my phone saying that my results were ready. 158 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,400 I was at my husband's grandparents house. 159 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,440 We were just hanging out. I think we were having dinner or 160 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:08,120 something. I remember being so speechless 161 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,440 and just frozen that I wasn't sure what to do. 162 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:15,400 So I kind of excused myself and went outside and I opened the 163 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,240 results. The person that popped up as 164 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:20,600 like my close family member and I'm, I'm sure a lot of people 165 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,280 experienced this when it first pops up, the kind of like 166 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:27,160 classification or category that they give you is very broad. 167 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:31,280 So like you have a close match, but it doesn't necessarily say 168 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,480 this is your brother, this is your nephew, this is your uncle. 169 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:39,480 With how the DNA works, I guess there's options for each one. 170 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,480 So at first I thought it was a cousin or something that I had 171 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:46,040 found. I had no idea who it was though, 172 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,680 the first or the last name. So I kind of immediately went to 173 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:52,080 Facebook to kind of Google and search. 174 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,840 Oddly enough, the person that I was linked to is my half 175 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,720 brother. And he goes by an abbreviation 176 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,480 of his name that was not listed on Ancestry. 177 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:05,000 So it was very difficult to locate who he was. 178 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:09,840 So we had to search through the names just by comparing the tiny 179 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,800 picture on Ancestry to the pictures on Facebook to try to 180 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:13,480 locate. Him. 181 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,880 My husband kind of took over that Facebook search after I'd 182 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:21,320 got my results. I instantly went straight to my 183 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:25,440 mom and I was, I need answers. Who is this person? 184 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,480 Do you know anyone they're related to? 185 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,880 And at the time, I wasn't like really speaking to my mom. 186 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,760 We were not on good terms. So it was kind of just an 187 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,080 awkward situation in general. Went to her house to talk to 188 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,880 her, she wasn't there. So I went home. 189 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,360 And when I got home, I remember kind of just collapsing. 190 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,920 I went to my guest bed and I remember screaming and crying 191 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:52,440 and drooling. Almost like I was so just out of 192 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,720 sorts that there was no calming me down. 193 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,920 What were you thinking at that point? 194 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,000 Like what was causing that reaction? 195 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,600 I think it was the unknown. At first I think I was just 196 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,600 upset of not knowing I had found the secret out. 197 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,080 I found something out obviously because it was someone I had 198 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,320 never heard of or didn't know that I was related to in any 199 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,160 way. And I think the first thing that 200 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:20,680 I felt was hurt at the same time that my mom called me back, and 201 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,960 then that the same time my husband figured out who this 202 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,160 person was, it was kind of the same time. 203 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,200 So my mom calls and she's basically in denial. 204 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,840 She says that my test got mixed up in the mail, that it's 205 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:35,760 someone else's results, not mine, that the person that the 206 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,680 person I matched to, my half brother, their dad, there's no 207 00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:42,240 possibility that he was my dad, is what she was saying. 208 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:47,680 Maybe he was my cousin and one of my mom's siblings had been 209 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:51,680 with someone in his family, but nothing that would have 210 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:56,360 confirmed this match to me. And I think that that was a big 211 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,040 hurdle to get over that this, the DNA, the spinning in the 212 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:04,920 tube and all of this can lead to the results that it led to. 213 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,280 DNA doesn't lie. So we have the information. 214 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,120 Now let's take the information we have and figure something out 215 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,640 with it. At the same time, my husband 216 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:17,440 found my half brother on Facebook so we kind of pieced 217 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,880 together who it was, how it was and I would say for the first 218 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:25,920 two weeks it was me just kind of being sad and just dealing with 219 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,960 it privately. At this point only my mom, my 220 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,440 husband, I want to say my best friend and maybe my brother, 221 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:33,680 they were the only ones that knew. 222 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,400 I kind of feel like everything that's happened since then is 223 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:42,560 like post DNA surprise day and then everything that happened 224 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:45,080 before that is pre DNA surprise day. 225 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:50,360 And I feel like I'm 2 completely different people from that day 226 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,080 before the day. And then after the day, even 227 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:56,840 looking at pictures of myself prior to my DNA surprise, I just 228 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,840 look like a completely different person in my eyes. 229 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,440 I think this goes back to my childhood, but my my whole life 230 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,440 I've kind of felt like an inconvenience or a burden almost 231 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,000 with my mom. She had me as a a, she was a 232 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,080 teenager and then she had my brother. 233 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,400 And then I kind of felt like we were both inconveniences and 234 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,800 burdens to her. So I think that that mindset 235 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,640 plays a huge part. In the beginning of my surprise, 236 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:25,400 I didn't necessarily want to tell this other family that I 237 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,920 existed. At first, I kind of felt like I 238 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:32,520 was going to blow up someone's life or just make someone else's 239 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,720 happiness less happy. And I think that has a lot to do 240 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,960 with how I was feeling. I wasn't happy. 241 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,800 I didn't. I didn't understand how someone 242 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,720 who I thought I trusted so much and that person as my mom, we 243 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,280 were best friends. I think up until this DNA 244 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,600 surprise, it's kind of just made me question like, how could you 245 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,240 look at me? How could we do all these things 246 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,640 together? And it never got brought up 247 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,160 once. So it kind of changed how I 248 00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:59,280 viewed a lot of people. So I got my results in July of 249 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,400 2021. I kept it to myself from July to 250 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,200 October. Now with me keeping it to 251 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:10,240 myself, I also didn't turn off my matches on Ancestry. 252 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:14,120 I kind of felt like if it was meant to be for like them to see 253 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,800 me, that it was meant to be and I was just going to allow it. 254 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:20,960 So I kind of just was open to communication, but not 255 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,640 necessarily like reaching out for it. 256 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:28,800 In October, I got a message from my half brother. 257 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:33,880 I matched with his sister and she had said, hey, my brother 258 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,520 had noticed that you matched last night on Ancestry and he 259 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,560 kind of wanted me to reach out and just see how we can all 260 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,160 support each other. My heart sunk. 261 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,240 I was like, Oh my gosh, they know about me. 262 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:49,880 And so far it's been OK. But my whole thing was the way 263 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:55,000 that I had to find out about it without nobody mentioned it, 264 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,440 that it was a possibility beyond my dad saying at 15 that 265 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,200 something was going to come up on my test. 266 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,800 And then even when I told my mom I took the test, she still 267 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:08,760 didn't say like, hey, you might come across this or any kind of 268 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,200 heads up. None of that was given. 269 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:15,600 So I didn't want my biological father to find out through like 270 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:20,960 a text message or I guess a roundabout way from my half 271 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,360 brother or his sister or anything like that. 272 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:28,160 I wanted it just to be direct and kind of like how I felt I 273 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,320 should have been told, but at the same time I didn't think 274 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:35,160 that I would be able to sit and listen or see his reaction like 275 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,000 his initial reaction to finding out. 276 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:42,760 So I had asked my mom to message him and she wanted to meet up in 277 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,880 person. So I think she messaged him that 278 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:49,760 Wednesday and I'm pretty sure the next day or maybe even that 279 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,680 Friday, they met up for breakfast. 280 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,240 I didn't attend. It was just my mom and my 281 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,880 biological father. They were actually friends 282 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:58,640 growing up. Throughout high school they had 283 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:03,800 the same friend group and my biological father's first wife 284 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,720 with my half brother and his sister was my mom's friend in 285 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,120 high school. So like they all know each 286 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,040 other. I just don't think that they 287 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,120 knew how the relationships were intertwined. 288 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,200 She went and met him and his initial reaction was shocked. 289 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,760 She said he was speechless, kind of just told her what he'd been 290 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,600 up to since high school and she told him how I was. 291 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,880 Right after they met. He added me on Facebook and 292 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,920 messaged me immediately. And we kind of had this awkward 293 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,920 introduction through like Facebook Messenger of, hi, I'm 294 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,720 Brittany, I'm your daughter. What was that like? 295 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,680 It was very overwhelming. I think I was happy. 296 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,320 It was huge for reaching out to him, talking to him the first 297 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:49,280 time I found out that I not only had this half brother who I 298 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:54,640 think he's four years younger than me, maybe 6, but I also had 299 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,040 a little sister that I didn't know existed either. 300 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,880 She's currently 8. And I actually now have a new 301 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,000 little sister that was just born in May. 302 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:06,480 But he kind of was telling me about him and his life and the 303 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,760 things that he's gone through and my little sister. 304 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,079 And he was open to meeting. I think at first he was more 305 00:17:14,079 --> 00:17:18,040 open from the time that we virtually met, I guess on 306 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,359 Facebook, where we acknowledge each other's existence. 307 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:25,240 It was actually seven months. It was just like Facebook 308 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:29,240 Messenger communication you. I would check in and try to get 309 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,000 some information out of him like, hey, where are you guys 310 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,840 living? You know, can we meet up? 311 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,920 I don't think he was comfortable with it at first. 312 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,480 I think it was a lot for him to take in. 313 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,880 In the last three years, I've kind of learned that he is a, 314 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,200 he's a closed off person just because he's been through a lot. 315 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:48,120 But I think he's open to meeting me and like kind of 316 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,600 understanding who I am, but it's a very slow process. 317 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:56,120 So we met at my half brother's baby shower. 318 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,160 That was the first time that we had actually met in person. 319 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:06,720 That was probably the most like core shocking rocking day of the 320 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,720 entire event. I think when we first locked 321 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:12,920 eyes, me and my biological father, we look so much alike. 322 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:17,360 If I was bald and like 30-40 years older we would be twins. 323 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,480 So it was. How did it? 324 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,000 Yeah, How was it? I mean, that genetic mirroring 325 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,120 is such an important piece. How was it to see him? 326 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:30,000 It's so weird even to this day I find myself just staring at him 327 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:34,880 when I'm around him because it is so weird to go from. 328 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,560 My mom has a huge family. She had seven siblings and my 329 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,240 dad's side. I don't look like any of them. 330 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,040 And then at this baby shower that I was at where I first met 331 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:48,960 him, most of their family is there as well and I look like a 332 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,280 majority of them too. So it was a extremely 333 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:56,280 overwhelming day seeing all of these people looking at me and 334 00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:01,240 be looking at them and knowing something was off that was, I 335 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,880 don't even have the words for it to be honest. 336 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:06,160 I didn't understand how there was some other people in the 337 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,600 world that existed that looked like me that I didn't know. 338 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,800 Like the math couldn't math in my head, if that makes sense. 339 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:18,680 So from the time of my mom telling my biological father I 340 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,720 existed to the baby shower, I kind of want to fill in that 341 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,600 little gap. I met my my half brother. 342 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:29,120 It was November 10th. That's our sibling anniversary 343 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:32,440 that we like to call it. We went out to eat me, my 344 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:35,040 husband, my half brother and his now wife. 345 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:39,160 It was just the four of us. He was the first person that I 346 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,640 met in person that we looked alike. 347 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,720 And so when he walked in, I was so anxious, so nervous. 348 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,880 And he walked in and he just looked at me and said, are we 349 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,120 going to hug or what? And I think that like every 350 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:57,160 ounce of nervousness that I had just kind of washed away. 351 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:01,120 We sat there and talked for probably a good two hours. 352 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,160 The conversation was flowing. It was not anything awkward. 353 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:08,280 It wasn't weird. It felt like I was at the right 354 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,320 place at the right time with the right people. 355 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:15,880 So I met my half brother, I met his daughter and then we kind of 356 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,280 me, my husband, my half brother and his now wife. 357 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,000 We just started hanging out all the time. 358 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,760 We would do game nights, we would do dinner. 359 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,560 It was great getting to know them and kind of just hanging 360 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,760 out. And I feel like something that I 361 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,840 have like a big regret about the DNA surprise is that I've kind 362 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:38,440 of missed out on so many years with these people. 363 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,720 And so it's kind of like making up for lost time almost. 364 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:45,320 And so spent time with them. We got really close. 365 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:49,400 I went to the baby shower. And so when I'm walking into 366 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,320 this baby shower, this is the first family event I'm 367 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,760 attending. I haven't met many family 368 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:59,560 members outside of my half brother and his wife and his 369 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,320 daughter. My half brother had said that 370 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,720 our biological father was coming to the shower and that wasn't 371 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,600 the plan originally. I wasn't anticipating meeting 372 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,440 him there. I wasn't prepared mentally at 373 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,600 all. He walked in and we kind of 374 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,880 locked eyes and we kind of just nodded at each other. 375 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:21,640 We didn't speak, we didn't hug, we didn't do anything like that. 376 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:25,360 It was just kind of overwhelming, speechless. 377 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:31,320 And then all of his family walks in, his siblings, their kids, 378 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:35,640 all a whole group of people. And I quickly realized that none 379 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:40,040 of them know who I am. At first I had kind of sat off 380 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:44,040 in the distance of the room not really intermingling with them 381 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:47,880 because when this baby shower planning started, my biological 382 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,600 father had reached out and said that he didn't think it would be 383 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:55,960 appropriate for me to introduce myself to his side of the family 384 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,440 at the shower unless we did adna test together. 385 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,520 Just for that extra confirmation. 386 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:07,040 That's what he explained it as. This was something I had offered 387 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,080 several times. I was like, let's go do ADNA 388 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,360 test. Like I said, a big hurdle I had 389 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:16,800 was these older generation people around me trying to get 390 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:22,120 them to understand the DNA test and how it works so that me and 391 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:25,920 my half brother matching on Ancestry wasn't proof enough 392 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:30,120 somehow that he needed that additional confirmation and the 393 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,400 paternal DNA test. I think at first I was a little 394 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,480 upset because I was like, OK, well we've been talking for 395 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:40,240 months and now this is getting brought up, but I also kind of 396 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,000 want to just get it over with because then it puts everyone's 397 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,280 mind at rest. So I went the very next day and 398 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,480 paid for the DNA test and did my portion. 399 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:54,720 That was February 26th of 2022. And then the baby shower rolls 400 00:22:54,720 --> 00:23:00,240 around and when you do a DNA test outside of Ancestry or 401 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,560 23andMe, they swab your mouth and then they put your swab in 402 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,720 this little box and then they wait for the other person to 403 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,480 come in to then match them. They said I would get an e-mail 404 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:12,120 when he came in and did his part. 405 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,400 Well, I never received an e-mail. 406 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,200 And then April rolls around and the baby showers here. 407 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,960 For me, something that I really had to put in place throughout 408 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:25,160 this was that if something so important to me, I needed to do 409 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:30,120 it without thinking of everyone else's feelings over my own 410 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:33,720 feelings. And it took a long time to get 411 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,240 to that point. But I think the baby shower was 412 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,760 the first step in the right direction, where even though he 413 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:44,560 had asked me not to go and not to introduce myself without the 414 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,560 paternity test being done, I made the decision that since he 415 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,640 didn't do it, I was going to go ahead and go to the baby shower. 416 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:57,640 I feel like I did my part of the ask, and so since he didn't want 417 00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:01,520 to do his part, I felt like the ask was no longer relevant. 418 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:06,600 So I went to the baby shower and I quickly realized that nobody 419 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,520 else knew who I was, but they were kind of looking at me 420 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:11,800 weird. So probably about halfway 421 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:17,280 through the baby shower my half brother sister came up to me and 422 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:20,600 asked me if I wanted to be introduced to the rest of the 423 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:25,840 family and I said no. I knew that me being there was 424 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:31,440 satisfying my want to be a part of their big day, but I didn't 425 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:36,040 want to cross a hard boundary that he had set, so I had said 426 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,920 no to meeting the rest of the family. 427 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:42,440 At the same time, my biological father had left and my half 428 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:46,120 brother's sister decided that I was going to be introduced to 429 00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:51,080 them regardless of how I felt or how my biological father felt. 430 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:56,800 I saw her walk into this hallway and she had a couple of my 431 00:24:56,800 --> 00:25:03,560 biological father's sisters and cousins and nieces, and I think 432 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,920 this is when they found out because they all kind of backed 433 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:10,240 out of the hallway and just were staring straight at me. 434 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,840 I got really anxious at this point. 435 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,680 I think when you're telling people the information, like the 436 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,240 newly found information, it is so stressful because you don't 437 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:23,640 know if they're going to have a good reaction or a bad reaction 438 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:27,160 or no reaction at all. Is also kind of hard to 439 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,960 understand, but just the staring straight at me made me very 440 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,120 nervous. My biological father, sister, my 441 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:38,080 aunt, she came up to me and gave me a hug and she wanted me to 442 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:39,760 meet the rest of family that was there. 443 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,520 And so I said, OK, sure, let's do this. 444 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:48,800 And how did it feel to be so welcomed and, and have her say, 445 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,880 I, I want you to meet the rest of the family? 446 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:56,520 Like, was it surprising? What kind of reaction were you 447 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,880 really anticipating from all of these people? 448 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:05,000 I think it was surprising, especially I think I was basing 449 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,160 like my expectations of their feelings and their reactions off 450 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:14,640 of my biological fathers who had he had shown interest where he 451 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,920 was like responding to messages, but we hadn't really met up 452 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:20,120 until that point. We he hadn't really put in any 453 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,120 effort into getting to know me at that point. 454 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,520 So I was almost expecting that same kind of reaction when she 455 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:28,600 hugged me. I think I cried. 456 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,680 I was very emotionally overwhelmed. 457 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,800 It's so weird to have instant connections. 458 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,680 And I think that's something that I haven't really 459 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:40,000 experienced prior to this. Having this person that says I 460 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,800 want to give you a hug and then 5 minutes later they're leaving 461 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,880 and saying like, I love you, I'm glad to meet you. 462 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:49,000 It's, it's a surreal feeling and something I've never experienced 463 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:51,000 before. It felt supportive. 464 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,480 It felt like, OK, this whole thing might be OK. 465 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,120 Something else I was experiencing, not on the 466 00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:02,200 biological father side, but my maternal side and my lifelong 467 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:08,280 father side, was a lot of anger and a lot of disappointment. 468 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:12,800 Maybe my mom knew, along with the rest of my family, my mom, 469 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:16,480 my dad, both of all their siblings, my grandparents. 470 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:21,400 Apparently they all knew that my lifelong father was not my 471 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:24,040 father, they just didn't know who was. 472 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:28,040 But for me, I didn't know for sure that he was not my lifelong 473 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:29,440 father. I had no clue. 474 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:35,240 So once I started going to, you know, baby showers and all of 475 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,200 these things where kind of like the cat was out of the bag 476 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:42,280 almost, I then had to tell the opposite sides of the family 477 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,760 that, hey, I did this test and this is what I found out. 478 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:52,000 My original viewpoint was that not much will change, it will 479 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,920 just be enhanced. Like I'll just get additional 480 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,520 people to love, but not much will change. 481 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:01,520 Like on the people that I knew my whole life, I started telling 482 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:06,680 other people like my grandma and my dad's brother and his wife 483 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:10,520 and my cousins, even people on my mom's side of the family 484 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,960 that, hey, I found out this information. 485 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:18,400 And I know that my lifelong dad is not actually my dad and that 486 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:22,000 I have this other biological father out here and I'm meeting 487 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,600 all of these people. What I wasn't expecting was the 488 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:29,760 anger that came from it. On my lifelong father's side, I 489 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:33,640 got a lot of, well, why do you need a new family? 490 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:38,160 We're not good enough or you don't love us anymore. 491 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:43,400 Just very absurd things to get to from the information I was 492 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:47,600 providing. So I think when my biological 493 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:51,840 father's sister gave me a hug at the baby shower, it was almost 494 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:56,040 like a relief that like, it's going to be OK even if all these 495 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:57,560 other people don't think it's OK. 496 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:02,880 And that's definitely been a huge theme of my journey. 497 00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:06,040 Something I've learned along the way is that you can't make 498 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:10,040 everyone happy and that it's impossible to make most of the 499 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,200 people happy when you're trying to make yourself happy. 500 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:18,040 So after the baby shower, I kind of cut off contact with a lot of 501 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:23,640 my family that was just being nasty and rude and had a lot of 502 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:27,120 negative things to say about the whole thing and focused on just 503 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,760 the people that were supportive. I've, I actually started therapy 504 00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:33,120 then too. That's been a huge part of my 505 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:37,920 journey, kind of rewiring how I think, what I'm thinking and who 506 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,880 I'm thinking about. So that's been big. 507 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,240 Did you get into therapy immediately after? 508 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:47,600 Had you been in therapy before? No, I'd never done therapy 509 00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:50,080 before. I definitely should have if I'm 510 00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:53,200 being honest. Prior to this, July 2021 is when 511 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,920 I got my results. I started therapy in November 512 00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:59,920 2022. So the baby shower had happened. 513 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:03,360 My nephew was born, my half brother had their baby. 514 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:06,360 Things were going great with those people that I was 515 00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:10,000 connecting with and talking with, and I think in November 516 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:16,320 2022, I hit this wall of sadness that I couldn't get out of where 517 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:20,760 I think that the positive connections I was making, they 518 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:24,400 were still going great. But I think the overall negative 519 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,040 reactions from all the other people, they started out 520 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:31,880 weighing the positive reactions and I found it just really 521 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,240 difficult to get through each day. 522 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:37,360 And that's when I decided to find a therapist. 523 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:40,920 Something I experienced as well was I, I couldn't look at 524 00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:43,240 mirrors for a very, very long time. 525 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,800 I got my results in July. I don't think I looked in the 526 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:50,800 mirror all of that following summer until probably that late 527 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:53,240 fall like October or November ish. 528 00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:56,360 Can you talk a little bit more about that because this is an 529 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,840 experience that we hear about all the time. 530 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,560 Oh yeah. How did you feel when you looked 531 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:05,600 in the mirror? Yeah, I think the best way that 532 00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:10,640 I can explain it is that you know that the FedEx truck, how 533 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:15,640 if you look at it, there's like a arrow in the FedEx word of the 534 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:19,760 logo. And once you see that, you don't 535 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:22,800 Unsee it. And I think that that's how I 536 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:26,680 kind of looked at myself. Where once I saw myself and saw 537 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:30,920 these other people that I looked like and my biological father, 538 00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:35,480 we look so much alike. And it was confusion at 1st and 539 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:40,200 then it was kind of just my face transformed. 540 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:44,200 Like once I saw my biological father, my face didn't look like 541 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:47,360 it looked before. I don't know how to like make 542 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,240 that make sense, but it just looked different. 543 00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:53,880 My nose, my eyes, my chin, all of these features that I had 544 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,400 never really I guess paid attention to. 545 00:31:56,400 --> 00:32:00,240 Maybe I was paying extra attention to because I was like, 546 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:04,240 oh OK, we have the same nose, we have the same chin, we have the 547 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:06,960 same eyes, even our fingers are the same. 548 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:12,160 For the 1st 26 years of my life I feel like I was looking at 549 00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:17,200 myself maybe not as deep as I should have been or like I 550 00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:19,360 couldn't see it. And then once I did see it I 551 00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:21,360 couldn't Unsee it. It just played tricks with my 552 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:26,840 mind of like even in pictures or videos of anything it was like 553 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:29,120 OK but the way you even talk is weird. 554 00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:32,400 The way your nose is moving is different and maybe it just made 555 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,480 me hyper analyze it even more because I was noticing all the 556 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:37,840 differences. But I think it was just a 557 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:41,040 sadness of I don't recognize this person. 558 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:44,280 I don't recognize the way she looks. 559 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:47,600 I've obviously sat with it for three years now, and I've looked 560 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:50,160 at myself in the mirror a lot since then. 561 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,760 And I know my face didn't physically change, like I didn't 562 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:58,120 morph into something else. But my viewpoint of myself and 563 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:04,000 my viewpoint of my life changed so dramatically that I, I think 564 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:08,960 that it was just me seeing a whole different person that I 565 00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:13,680 didn't know existed because I didn't know that like my origin 566 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:18,640 and who I was was not the truth. The mirror thing was the first 567 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:22,480 thing I experienced for sure. So much so I got a tattoo of a 568 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:28,480 broken mirror because I, I think that when I first started going 569 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,080 through this, and I think that therapy helped me get to this 570 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:35,920 point, but I didn't realize how much power I gave to those 571 00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:39,040 things either. I needed to be more confident in 572 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:42,640 myself and who I am as a person at that time. 573 00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:47,240 But because I was so broken down by the lies and the betrayal and 574 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:50,880 the sadness and the hurt, I allowed all of those other 575 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:54,960 feelings to like creep in and make me change how I felt about 576 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:58,080 myself. It's almost like relearning 577 00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:00,440 yourself. Like I thought I knew who I was, 578 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:06,080 but joke's on me, I didn't. And now I need to relearn who I 579 00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:10,600 am and kind of like teach myself who I am because I feel like I 580 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:14,920 have these tools now I didn't have before that allow me to see 581 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:17,760 things differently. When I first in my therapy 582 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:23,320 session, I was very skeptical. I was nervous to talk. 583 00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:27,000 I kind of felt like me talking about the scenario was betraying 584 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,159 the other people in the scenario at first. 585 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:33,120 Once I got comfortable with my therapist and just realized that 586 00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:35,719 she was there to talk to me about my problems and not 587 00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:40,520 everyone else, I opened up more. She had me write down everything 588 00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:44,800 that had happened, even my childhood up until now, to where 589 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:48,280 at this point I had found out my results. 590 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:52,800 And at the end of it, she held up the paper and she said, does 591 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,199 this look like a lot? And I was like, yeah, it is. 592 00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:58,720 And she was like, OK, it feels like a lot because it is a lot. 593 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,840 And I think that was the first time that someone had, like, 594 00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:06,960 actually acknowledged that, like, hey, this is a lot. 595 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:10,080 You're not crazy for feeling sad or overwhelmed. 596 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:13,200 It's not your fault. And that was the first time that 597 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:14,920 I think that someone had said that to me. 598 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,760 And I think that's when it all started changing. 599 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:20,760 I felt like I could open up to her. 600 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,760 I felt like even the things I wasn't sure about in the 601 00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:27,520 situation, I could talk to her about it and we could like work 602 00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:30,360 through it. I still see her now. 603 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:34,280 What is next for you as you look ahead? 604 00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:39,480 So the relationships have kind of all, like I would say, evened 605 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:42,280 out to where I think that they're probably going to stay. 606 00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:46,760 My biological father, we talk, he responds, I see him every so 607 00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:49,600 often. We do birthdays, holidays and 608 00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,240 things together. That's been huge. 609 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:55,000 I have two little sisters now. I've never had sisters prior to 610 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:56,680 this, so that was really changing. 611 00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:59,680 My half brother, we're pretty close. 612 00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:04,080 He has a daughter and a son, my first niece and nephew. 613 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:08,040 Biologically, I'm actually my nephew's godmother. 614 00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:12,200 That was huge for me. So things are going great. 615 00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:15,440 I would say my biological father has never finished his part of 616 00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,240 the DNA test. For a while. 617 00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:18,600 It was something that bothered me. 618 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:21,800 It was something I pushed for and asked about, but I think 619 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:25,080 we've kind of just come to the understanding that he knows that 620 00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:27,760 I'm his daughter and I know that he is my biological father. 621 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:30,040 Now. Do I wish that he would take 622 00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:32,120 that test? Probably, because I think that 623 00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,840 would just like provide closure to both of us. 624 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:38,720 With my other family, I've kind of met them where they meet me. 625 00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:41,400 Some of them, they don't want to talk about it. 626 00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:44,960 I don't bring it up. Some of them do ask me questions 627 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:48,080 and we talk about it regularly. I just turned 30 this year in 628 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:52,400 September and I had a birthday party and it was the first event 629 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,920 that all sides of the families have been together. 630 00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:58,000 My biological father couldn't make it. 631 00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:01,760 He was out of town, but a lot of his family did show up and it 632 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:08,640 was the most, I guess, complete I felt in a while with other 633 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,560 people being in the same room. I've had a lot of regrets 634 00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:15,200 throughout this process of should I have done this? 635 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:17,520 Should I have just let it stay where it was? 636 00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:22,320 And I think overall I'm glad I did it because I found a lot of 637 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:26,240 people that are great people that should have been in my life 638 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:29,600 the whole time. But I also think that it showed 639 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:33,120 me the other people that maybe they weren't in my corner like I 640 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:35,600 thought they were. And so it's opened my eyes up to 641 00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:40,080 that for sure. How are you feeling overall 642 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,440 about your mom now? Where do you think stand today? 643 00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:46,440 That's a bit of a tough one. There's two parts to it. 644 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:52,120 So my first part of frustration is that she didn't tell me that 645 00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,760 she didn't give me the heads up. She didn't say, hey, there's a 646 00:37:55,760 --> 00:38:00,000 possibility, nothing. I think that that betrayal 647 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:04,560 knowing, knowing that I was going to be hurt and not doing 648 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:09,320 anything proactively about it. I think that it's something that 649 00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:11,920 I'm always going to have a problem with, something I'm 650 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:15,600 always going to struggle with. She was in denial at first. 651 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,200 She was very much, this isn't true. 652 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:21,360 I don't know why you did this. It's it doesn't need to be 653 00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:25,040 talked about kind of thing. And I think that she's very much 654 00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:29,520 still in the place of I did something wrong. 655 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:34,760 I'm sorry I did something wrong. Where I'm at now is that I 656 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,720 understand that it was wrong and I want to figure out a way to 657 00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:40,880 kind of move forward and for us to be on the same page. 658 00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:43,040 And I don't think that she's there yet. 659 00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:47,280 I think that she's still stuck on the decision she made when I 660 00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:49,720 was born. I think if she could move past 661 00:38:49,720 --> 00:38:53,760 that and kind of acknowledge, hey, I did make this decision, 662 00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:56,200 but now you've know the truth and now you can make 663 00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:59,920 relationships with these people and be supportive of that, I 664 00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:01,640 think that we could make progress. 665 00:39:01,720 --> 00:39:03,160 But I think I just have a lot of anger. 666 00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:08,680 I have a lot of hurt. I have a lot of frustration, 667 00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:12,880 especially because it wasn't just my mom that knew that my 668 00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:16,920 lifelong dad wasn't my dad. It my lifelong dad also knew and 669 00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:20,600 my whole family knew. And so I have a resentment that 670 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:24,000 I, that I, I still have for her. And I think it's, I've talked 671 00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:25,960 about it with my therapist that it's weird. 672 00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:29,200 I don't resent my lifelong dad the same way I resent my mom, 673 00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:32,760 but I think that a lot of that goes to how she's treated me 674 00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:35,240 after the fact, after I got my results. 675 00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:41,840 Going forward, I just want to be happy and keep discovering 676 00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:44,040 myself. I feel like I still have so much 677 00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:46,880 more to learn about myself, so much more to learn about my 678 00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:49,840 biological family. I'm just going to let time keep 679 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:54,080 doing its thing and hopefully it heals the other people that are 680 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,000 involved in the situation to where they can be a part of my 681 00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:00,520 life again and support me. And I hope it continues to heal 682 00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:04,880 me. And I'm just hoping that I can 683 00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:08,080 continue making relationships with the people that have opened 684 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:11,520 up their arms with me. What advice do you have for a 685 00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:15,320 parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child? 686 00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:19,040 I've thought about this a lot. I don't think that there's like 687 00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:23,000 a magic number where you hit this age and your parents should 688 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:24,840 tell you all of their dirty secrets. 689 00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:27,640 I think it's going to be different for every person, but 690 00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:31,840 for me, I think that it would have been easier to digest had I 691 00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:37,040 known prior to becoming an adult and trying to figure out who I 692 00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:40,640 was as a person. Maybe as a high schooler, I 693 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:44,240 might not have been as mature as I was at 26 to kind of take the 694 00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:48,520 information in the way I did. But I feel like that kind of 695 00:40:48,520 --> 00:40:51,960 backtracking who you are as an adult is really hard. 696 00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:55,120 There are certain things that you do as an adult. 697 00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:57,960 I don't have children, but I have been, I've been married. 698 00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:02,560 So like my wedding is a huge day that I will never get back. 699 00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:08,360 And I think having my biological family, all of them there, it's 700 00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:11,800 a big regret I have now because it's something that I can't do 701 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:14,400 again. But like, if I had kids, I would 702 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:16,840 want all of my family to be a part of that. 703 00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:20,600 Or just any big thing. You look back and you have 704 00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:23,680 regrets that they weren't able to be a part of that day when 705 00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:28,120 they should have been. So I think that whenever your 706 00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:35,960 child is mature enough to take in something that's like that, I 707 00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:37,720 think that they definitely need to know. 708 00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:40,320 This isn't just like, oh, this is my dad. 709 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:45,040 This is half of who I am. And I think that for other 710 00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:51,240 people to know a secret about my truth and no one tell me, I 711 00:41:51,240 --> 00:41:55,880 think it caused way more hurt. Than it should have parents that 712 00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:59,680 are making decisions. I understand that you're you're 713 00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:02,160 doing it because you think it's the best decision at the time. 714 00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:06,680 I've also heard that a lot of people never anticipated that 715 00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:10,440 DNA tests were going to become such easily accessible things. 716 00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:14,440 But I think that something that I try to do is that whenever I 717 00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:18,480 make a decision, I have to know why I made the decision, and I 718 00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:22,920 have to be able to adjust if the things I decided on change. 719 00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:27,280 I just think that everyone deserves to know who their 720 00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:31,040 family is, who their biological parents are, their siblings, 721 00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:37,840 their connections and chemistry, and just things that you don't 722 00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:41,960 even think of that that you deserve to have. 723 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:47,160 Honesty is the best policy and just let them know as soon as 724 00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:51,720 they're mature enough to know. And what advice do you have for 725 00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:54,760 someone who just uncovered Adna surprise? 726 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:58,640 If you just uncovered your DNA surprise, I would say first of 727 00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:00,440 all be very patient with yourself. 728 00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:03,800 Something I always tried to get to was my normal. 729 00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:08,640 I try to get back to normal and I think that you have to 1st 730 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:11,240 understand that your normal is no longer there. 731 00:43:11,240 --> 00:43:15,240 You have to find your new normal and it takes a while to get 732 00:43:15,240 --> 00:43:17,680 there. I would also say definitely look 733 00:43:17,680 --> 00:43:21,080 into therapy. I never could see myself as 734 00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:23,040 someone going into therapy prior to this. 735 00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:25,440 I think everyone could probably benefit from therapy to be 736 00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:28,080 honest. I started outgoing weekly. 737 00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:31,440 I then switched to bi weekly and now I'm at monthly. 738 00:43:31,440 --> 00:43:35,200 So it's not something that you're tied to forever, it's 739 00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:39,320 just there when you need it. And it's just helpful to have an 740 00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:43,600 unbiased person giving you their advice and their opinion on 741 00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:46,800 situations. And then my last piece of advice 742 00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:49,160 would definitely be to put yourself first. 743 00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:55,240 I spent a long, long time trying to walk on egg shells to make 744 00:43:55,240 --> 00:43:58,600 sure I wasn't offending anyone or making sure I wasn't hurting 745 00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:01,040 anyone's feelings or stepping on toes. 746 00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:07,080 And the sad truth of it is that I don't feel like the people 747 00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:10,480 that had my secret, that didn't tell me until I found out, I 748 00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:12,800 don't think that they were worried about my feelings in 749 00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:15,280 those moments. The people that have said the 750 00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:18,160 nasty comments and the nasty remarks, when I tell them my 751 00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:21,880 story, I don't feel like they're caring about my feelings in that 752 00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:24,760 moment. So I need to make sure that I'm 753 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:27,200 thinking about myself. And as long as I'm being true to 754 00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:32,200 myself and honoring how I feel, then the people that truly 755 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:35,240 support me will be there for me and will understand how I feel 756 00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:38,680 every single time I get sad, every single time I feel 757 00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:41,600 anything about this. There are so many people out 758 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:47,200 there that have experienced this that you need to be around those 759 00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:48,880 people. Even listening to this podcast, 760 00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:50,840 I've listened to probably every episode. 761 00:44:51,240 --> 00:44:53,080 There are support groups on Facebook. 762 00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:58,200 There's so many different tools out there and resources that 763 00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:02,720 will make you feel not alone because it is probably the most 764 00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:07,000 lonely experience to go through. It will always be a bit lonely. 765 00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:09,560 I'm always going to be the outsider on all sides of the 766 00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:12,600 family. I'm always going to be like the 767 00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:16,560 person that wasn't there the whole time and that is just 768 00:45:16,560 --> 00:45:22,360 popping in now. But as long as you can put your 769 00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:26,000 feelings 1st and know that if this is what I feel to do, this 770 00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:29,080 is what I need to do, then in the end it will most likely come 771 00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:29,960 out the way you want it. To. 772 00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:33,880 Brittany, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and 773 00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:37,160 sharing your journey. I know that people who are 774 00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:40,480 listening who've been through similar experiences will be 775 00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:43,520 helped by you being vulnerable and sharing. 776 00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:48,200 I hope that the future looks bright for you, whatever that 777 00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:51,520 looks like, whether it's building or repairing a 778 00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:54,160 relationship with your mom or continuing to build a 779 00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:56,600 relationship with your new found family. 780 00:45:57,160 --> 00:46:00,040 I just wish you the best and thanks again for being here. 781 00:46:00,480 --> 00:46:01,480 Absolutely. Thank you. 782 00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:04,480 Thanks again to Brittany for sharing her story. 783 00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:08,240 If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please 784 00:46:08,240 --> 00:46:10,880 submit your story at dnasurprises.com. 785 00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:15,040 And if you'd like early add free access to episodes, join me over 786 00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:19,160 on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises. 787 00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:24,120 Until next time. This episode of DNA Surprises 788 00:46:24,160 --> 00:46:29,040 was hosted, produced and edited by me Alexis Ourselt. 789 00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:33,880 It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording 790 00:46:33,880 --> 00:46:34,600 Studios.