1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,880 On a weekly basis, there's so many questions that come up and 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:05,240 I'm just like, oh, but you're not here to ask. 3 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,560 You know, I have this curiosity to know if she would have 4 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:12,120 continued healing, you know, like with the Internet, with 5 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:16,120 what it is now. I have this hope that she would 6 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:19,080 have like learned right alongside me, you know, and 7 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:22,080 unlearned and unpacked. I have this. 8 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:26,040 It's not even a hope, but it's like a fairy tale, a dream that 9 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:28,680 she would have taken accountability and she would 10 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:32,240 have just learned how to be vulnerable really, because I 11 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,760 grew up in kind of a home that was like my way or the highway. 12 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,600 I didn't learn healthy communication, you know, the 13 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:40,560 flow of back and forth and how to articulate things in a 14 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,200 healthy manner. I just wonder if she would have 15 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,440 learned how to do that and then if we could have had vulnerable 16 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:49,240 conversations that would have led to more connection, you 17 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,240 know, and that really relates to everything, you know. 18 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,520 Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the 19 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,200 world of unexpected DNA discoveries. 20 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:05,680 I'm your host, Alexis ourselves. In July 2021, my life took a 21 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:10,560 surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who 22 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,400 has experienced a non paternal event. 23 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,960 In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he 24 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,960 was. Join me as we explore the 25 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:26,040 stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their 26 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:28,840 families. Get ready to unravel the 27 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:33,000 astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test. 28 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:39,840 This is DNA surprises. A common question in our 29 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:44,600 community is when is the right time to tell the truth about 30 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,000 parentage? While some say there is never a 31 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:52,160 good time to tell, many believe that the truth should be shared 32 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:55,040 from birth. In this week's episode, 33 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:59,040 Miranda's story highlights the importance of telling early and 34 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,400 often. Miranda's mother never had the 35 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:05,600 truth about her paternity, but she still recalls the shock of 36 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:09,280 hearing it explicitly stated when she was a young child. 37 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:14,120 She shares how her curiosity about her biological father LED 38 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,840 her to take ADNA test, which created connections with new 39 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:21,720 found family members. Miranda's story is filled with 40 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:26,760 challenges and love. Despite the abuse, rejection, 41 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:30,520 and profound loss she has experienced, she maintains 42 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,000 compassion for everyone involved. 43 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,560 Thank you for sharing your story, Miranda. 44 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:41,520 Hi I'm Miranda and I just turned 39 and I originally grew up in 45 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:46,160 Southern California so in Orange County so highly populated area. 46 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,800 I lived there till I was about 10 and then I moved to Southern 47 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,520 Illinois. I was trying to come up with 48 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:56,800 like the correct phrase or terminology because I don't 49 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:01,720 exactly identify with an NPE or an adoptee. 50 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:08,480 I grew up with my biological mother, my stepdad and my 51 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,320 grandma was always part of like that intimate circle as well. 52 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:16,440 I always knew that I was not biologically my father's but he 53 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,320 was always my dad. He he was there from like 54 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,120 toddlerhood on until he died when I was 15. 55 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:26,400 What did you know about your biological father before that 56 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,840 time? I think I was probably 1 1/2, 57 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,760 actually, when my parents got together. 58 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,880 They met at a yard sale. So that was really early. 59 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,160 I don't have memories of that early. 60 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,920 I probably have, like, a memory of, you know, the age of three. 61 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,760 My mom said that she always told me and was, you know, honest 62 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,800 with me that he was not my biological father. 63 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,360 But I don't as a child when you're innocent. 64 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,680 And I don't think it's something you really think about when you 65 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,320 have a father that raises you, you know, somebody that you 66 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,480 don't ever call anything other than dad. 67 00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:00,640 But I do have a core memory. I don't think I could have been 68 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,760 any older than six. I mean, it's just a guess. 69 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,160 But I was at my stepdad's parents. 70 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,600 I'm saying stepdad, just so there's a clarification. 71 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:12,360 Growing up, he was just dad, you know, daddy, but we were at his 72 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:16,480 parents house and I remember making the comment that I liked 73 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,839 mustard like my dad and my brother who's two years younger 74 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:21,480 than me, liked mayonnaise like my mom. 75 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:25,400 And then my grandma, technically my step grandma, came back and 76 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,680 told me that something along along the lines of, well, you 77 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,760 know, he's not biologically yours or you're not biologically 78 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,600 his. I don't remember the exact 79 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,720 phrase, but I remember it like shocked me. 80 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:39,680 And I'm a really sensitive person in general. 81 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,960 So I remember crying and like, I don't know, it just hit me so 82 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:47,200 hard, you know, the realization that like, what I'm, what do you 83 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,040 mean? I'm not, you know, I'm not my 84 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,480 dad's. So I don't know if I just didn't 85 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,640 understand or if I didn't really retain the information that my 86 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,360 mom had told me. But that was a core memory. 87 00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:02,760 And so that was pretty early. So, you know, your mom says she 88 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:08,480 was open with you before you had this revelation, but to your to 89 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,440 your knowledge and your memory, you don't remember there ever 90 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,720 being another father in your life. 91 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,800 There never was. My mom was always fairly open 92 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,960 with me. I remember her telling me 93 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,960 different things. Well, not different things. 94 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,880 I mean, they always aligned. But she would tell me, you know, 95 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,200 that she met someone in college. I think she was in a political 96 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,200 science class with him. She was older. 97 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,080 I think she was 28 or 29 when she had me. 98 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,800 So she had gone back to college. She, you know, had some life 99 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,040 stuff she had to go through and address. 100 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,280 But anyway, she went back to college and that's where she met 101 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:45,560 my father. Now, I don't know if it was just 102 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,720 like a one time thing. I don't know if they were 103 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,640 friends. See, my mom died when I was 19. 104 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,320 So that was the very, very beginning of our adult 105 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,960 relationship. And then before that, there was 106 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,920 all kinds of stuff. There is trauma and like all 107 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,800 kinds of stuff that we hadn't addressed yet because I was just 108 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,560 then coming into my adulthood and I didn't understand a lot of 109 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,360 it, you know? But if I rewind and I go back to 110 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,480 my childhood, I do remember my mom telling me, you know, she 111 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:15,240 met him in college. And then I remember at one point 112 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,200 I was probably, I don't know, somewhere between the ages of 113 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:23,200 like 1113, my dad had made the comment, my stepdad that they 114 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,360 were a one night stand. I'm pretty sure my mom, I don't 115 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:28,640 think she phrased it that way, but I'm pretty sure she always 116 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,120 told me they only had sex one time. 117 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:34,280 So, you know, here I am the result of a one night stand. 118 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,040 But I did always grow up wondering who he was. 119 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,600 And honestly, I had some abandonment issues because 120 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,440 because of the feeling unwanted growing up wondering like, why 121 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,960 doesn't he want to know me? Why doesn't he want to get to 122 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,160 know who I am? You know, So in Southern 123 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,680 California, we grew up in kind of a, a poor area, I guess. 124 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,760 Like we weren't, I guess considered poor at the time by 125 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,760 two working parents and they weren't like high class jobs or 126 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,720 anything. But we got along OK. 127 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,400 And then we, my parents, like they pulled all their savings 128 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,720 out and we moved to Southern Illinois. 129 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,160 The reason we moved to Southern Illinois was because the gangs 130 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,080 had started coming back to our area. 131 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:15,360 So my mom was honestly pretty fearful, like in the area that 132 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:18,120 we were, it was either your kids get jumped into the gang or they 133 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:20,880 get jumped by the gang. So my mom didn't want that and 134 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,280 they didn't really, I don't think they really had enough 135 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,080 money to move us to like a better area. 136 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,680 I mean, maybe so, but maybe she just remembered her childhood, 137 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,320 you know, she grew up in the Midwest. 138 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,920 So my mom moved us back. My grandma moved back with us. 139 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,680 My, my grandma never moved, like lived in our house, but it was 140 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,800 always like she and my mom were very close. 141 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,280 When we moved to Illinois. She was only seven blocks away. 142 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,800 And because we moved from, you know, a city that was kind of 143 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:49,400 dangerous to a small town, I was able to like walk and ride even 144 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,080 at a young age. Like there was No Fear of 145 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,400 somebody hurting us, you know, a small town USA. 146 00:07:56,040 --> 00:08:00,440 But once we moved to Illinois, my dad had a hard time finding a 147 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:04,400 job. So my mom had like a genius IQ. 148 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,480 She was super smart. They make great life choices 149 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:08,960 sometimes. But I think that had to do with 150 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,880 like her own traumas that she endured. 151 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,640 But so she was trying, she was going back to college again in 152 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,840 my adolescence once we moved back to Illinois. 153 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,240 And then my dad, because, you know, he didn't have a college 154 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,040 degree and he honestly, he couldn't remember how to spell 155 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,760 my name. So like once we moved here, he 156 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,880 had a hard time and that hurt our not only his mental health, 157 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:35,840 but it hurt our family. Before we found our small, very 158 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:39,200 rundown house that they bought, it was their first time buying a 159 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:42,799 home together. We lived in a trailer park and I 160 00:08:42,799 --> 00:08:47,760 remember walking in on my dad holding it and I was like, I had 161 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,640 to have been ten. I think it was the year that we 162 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:53,120 moved here. So that was like startling. 163 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:57,280 And he with tears in his eyes, you know, asking me not to tell 164 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,000 my mom. And I don't think I did. 165 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,920 I don't think I didn't. I don't, I don't even know if I 166 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:05,080 ever did, honestly. But that was a lot to hold, you 167 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:08,200 know, as a 10 year old. Yeah, that is incredibly 168 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,320 traumatic. And then later he ended up being 169 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,800 very abusive. I guess my dad had been an 170 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,040 alcoholic. So my mom was his third 171 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,640 marriage. The first two marriages he was 172 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:23,000 incredibly abusive and he was an alcoholic. 173 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,560 And I guess when he got with my mom, he was still drinking. 174 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:31,440 But when I put the timeline together now, I realize they 175 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,800 probably got knocked up like with my brother really fast. 176 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,880 And I'm guessing that's why they they got married. 177 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,720 They had my brother, but he was still drinking. 178 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:42,320 But very early on, my mom gave him the ultimatum stop drinking 179 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,800 or relieving. And I don't think my dad wanted 180 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:49,200 to lose my mom and I don't think he wanted to lose his family. 181 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:53,120 So he chose us. And that feels really awesome. 182 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,480 You know, he chose us for the first time ever. 183 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,320 My dad did end up getting a job, but it was like, you know, very 184 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:03,320 bottom of the barrel type job. He was running medical supplies 185 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,400 for a small company in our town. But he ended up getting 186 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:10,200 connected with, we didn't know it, but I mean, we knew he 187 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,720 started drinking again, but he also got connected with drugs. 188 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,720 And as a child, I'd never been around it. 189 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,800 So I didn't even know he was, you know, and honestly I don't 190 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,520 know if my mom knew. She probably suspected, but I 191 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,880 don't know how much she sheltered me from you know. 192 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:28,000 But he was unstable and he became abusive. 193 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:33,040 I remember I guess it was probably a a meth induced rage, 194 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:39,560 but it was so traumatic for me. He is screaming and cussing and 195 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:43,000 it's all over video games. So he, like, cussed my brother 196 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,760 out and was hitting him. And I remember him running after 197 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,720 him with a baseball bat, calling him the living devil in the 198 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,320 flesh. And that we, we were in a 199 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,080 conservative Christian home. As as weird as it sounds like 200 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,000 that's what I was raised in. OK. 201 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,280 Yeah. So that was that was so 202 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:04,240 traumatic. And I just remember, like, not 203 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,920 knowing whether or not he would kill my brother, not knowing if 204 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,360 I should call the cops, call my mom. 205 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,320 My mom was not fair. She was seven blocks away at my 206 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,480 grandma's house. And she was trying to study for 207 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,640 an exam. I didn't know if I, you know, I 208 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:18,920 didn't know what the right step to do. 209 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,240 Like, do I leave my brother? Do I leave him alone with this 210 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,200 crazy man? My brother had made it to the 211 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,560 bathroom, thankfully. But like, my dad was trying with 212 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,320 all his might to open up the bathroom door and to what I 213 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,440 thought was kill my brother. You know, my brother was 214 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,360 probably 9. So some. 215 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:40,640 Video games So my mom he finally my by he I mean my dad. 216 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:44,000 He, he told me to call my mom and to get her home, you know, 217 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:47,560 very rage filled. And so I did. 218 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,280 And I'm trying to explain to her, 'cause this had never 219 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:51,800 really happened. Had he had rages? 220 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,120 Had he hit us? Yeah, but it had never been in 221 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,880 an extreme form like this before, you know? 222 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,120 And so I'm calling my mom and I'm trying to make her 223 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,200 understand, no, you have to get home right now. 224 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,640 And like, you know, she kind of pokied along and she gets there 225 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:11,920 and she realizes how extreme the situation is, and she makes us 226 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,720 go to school, which I thought was odd after such a traumatic 227 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,200 event. I don't know if she's trying to 228 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,760 take care of the situation herself or if she was just 229 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:20,920 trying to get us in a safe place. 230 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:24,400 I don't really know. So she ended up, I guess, going 231 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,840 back to the house with my dad and he ended up pushing her 232 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,960 down. And so then she did call the 233 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,400 cops. So my dad did go to jail. 234 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:33,960 I don't think it was for very long. 235 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,600 That's the only time in my life that he's ever done anything 236 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,320 like or that he had ever done anything like that. 237 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,200 But I remember even after the effect, you know, he had to go 238 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,400 to therapy, you know, court ordered. 239 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,320 But I still remember him trying to blame my brother. 240 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:53,560 And this was sober. So as a grown man in his, I 241 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:56,520 don't even know how old he was, 40s, he didn't know how to take 242 00:12:56,520 --> 00:13:01,680 accountability or he refused to. So like that left a huge impact 243 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,200 on me. And then right after these 244 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,120 incidences and there was another incident. 245 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,000 He never touched me sexually, but there was an incidence that 246 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,160 was not OK. That also traumatized me for 247 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:15,280 life. That's when I moved in with my 248 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:18,720 grandma seven blocks away. I just never returned home. 249 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,120 And then he died. I went from being a daddy's girl 250 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:27,320 to like having this void slash hatred for him. 251 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,840 And so that was hard to deal with as a teen. 252 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:36,760 On top of that, I had undiagnosed neurodivergence, you 253 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:41,120 know, because women, girls are like the lost era, you know, 254 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,360 because it doesn't always present the same way as little 255 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,120 boys. So there was that, plus the 256 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:51,440 trauma, plus, you know, just teenage hormones. 257 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:55,000 I barely graduated high school. My senior year of high school, 258 00:13:55,000 --> 00:14:00,440 my mom moved from Southern Illinois to Washington for an 259 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,160 Internet boyfriend. And honestly, I do think it was 260 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,800 good for her. My mom had a lot of physical 261 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,880 problems. She had lupus. 262 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,000 She had a huge ass curve on her back. 263 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:15,160 She had arthritis and on top of that, I believe she also had 264 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:18,040 neurodivergence. And and if not that, then like 265 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,600 in the very least, she had depression. 266 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,280 So she moved to Washington state with my brother my senior year 267 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,640 of high school. I stayed with my grandma my 268 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,520 senior year. I didn't want to move away from 269 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,480 everything that I had known. I wanted to graduate with my 270 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,680 friends. And so I did, and she flew back 271 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:36,000 from my graduation. And then the next year my 272 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,560 grandma moved to Washington and I chose to stay in Illinois. 273 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,600 But eighteen though, my mom helped me with an Internet 274 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,000 search. So the Internet was like, you 275 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:50,960 know, just starting. And my mom paid $30.00 for a 276 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,600 cheap Internet search, just a basic search, 'cause we knew my 277 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,560 biological father's name and we knew she thought she knew his 278 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,680 birthday. So, and we knew that he lived in 279 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,120 California. So leading up to that. 280 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,440 Like. Were you curious and asking 281 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,040 about him after you it really connected for you that your dad 282 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:14,040 wasn't your biological father? Or when did your curiosity 283 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,720 really start up? Honestly, the curiosity had 284 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,760 always been there off and on throughout my entire life and my 285 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,360 mom knew it and she was open to talking. 286 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,400 She she never shut me down in terms of having those 287 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,360 conversations. She was always really 288 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,360 empathetic. My mom, as as traumatized as our 289 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:31,400 relationship was, my mom was a very loving individual. 290 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:35,680 And so my mom paid for that Internet search and we didn't 291 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,760 find him right away, but we ended up finding relatives of 292 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,400 his with the same last name who connected us. 293 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:46,360 So you connect with this family and what happens there? 294 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:49,120 Are they open to you and share information? 295 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,040 I end up talking to my biological father. 296 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:56,840 I don't remember like the very first conversation. 297 00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:01,080 What I do remember though, is talking to him and him not 298 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,640 understanding why I was reaching out to him. 299 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:07,760 Like I don't know if it was just out of sight, out of mind. 300 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,680 I don't know if he was like he, he's, he basically was just 301 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,120 really confused or that's how he acted. 302 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,760 I, I don't know. I don't know if it was an act or 303 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,200 if that's just what he wanted to believe. 304 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,640 I do remember him saying something along the lines of you 305 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,680 have a dad, you have a family. And inside my brain, I just 306 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,600 wanted to be like, Oh yeah, do you want to know about that 307 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,800 family? So he set rules. 308 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,000 I was only allowed to contact him while he was at work. 309 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,760 And I'm pretty sure it's basically only supposed to be 310 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:40,600 through e-mail. I have two half siblings that he 311 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,000 was married and he had two daughters. 312 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:50,280 They didn't know I existed and neither did my grandmother, my 313 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,600 paternal grandmother. He had basically kept me a 314 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:57,760 secret from everybody. His wife did know about me, but 315 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,840 he had lied about the circumstances. 316 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:05,240 So when I reached out, she put dates together and realized that 317 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:08,839 he had lied. So I guess when he and my mother 318 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:12,440 had gotten together, they were engaged to be married. 319 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:16,680 When my mom and my dad, my stepdad, they had taken my 320 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:21,319 biological father to court when I was a toddler to get child 321 00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:24,720 support. So from the age of I think 2 to 322 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:30,160 18, I got $99.00 a month. OK, so his, so his wife knew 323 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,640 about me, but he'd lied about the circumstances. 324 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:36,920 But my, my youngest sister, she was only 12 when I reached out, 325 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:41,520 I remember talking to her because she was so excited and 326 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:45,840 she was, she was just, she was so lovely to talk to. 327 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:49,480 Even though, you know, at the age, at the big age of 18, I 328 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,560 felt like I was a lot older than the 12 year old. 329 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,120 But we still had this like, I don't know, this connection, I 330 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,920 guess. So I, I did feel like loved and 331 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:00,960 wanted talking to her. And then I talked to my sister, 332 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,280 who's actually only, she's, I think, just under two years 333 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,000 younger than me. She didn't really have an 334 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,760 interest, you know, to get to know me. 335 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:12,080 And I don't remember the time frame very well. 336 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,800 So that at one point she had told me she'd gone her whole 337 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,600 life not knowing me so she could go the rest of her life not 338 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:21,000 knowing me. So our relationship never really 339 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,320 flourished past that. I think we were Facebook friends 340 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:29,240 for a while, but she's she's not Incognito on social media now, 341 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:33,320 but she's kind of limited. I don't reach out to her to 342 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,280 respect, you know, basically what she last left me with. 343 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,960 And then my paternal grandmother at the time, she and I started 344 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,680 talking and emailing, I think right away. 345 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:46,480 And so she was so mad at my biological father because she 346 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,720 never knew of my existence. So my biological father is 347 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,240 Mexican. So that's another part of like 348 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,440 growing up. I look like my mom, but there's 349 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,480 features of myself that are very different. 350 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:01,920 Like I'm, I'm darker skinned. That is one thing that I got 351 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:05,840 from him. I have these huge jumping cheeks 352 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,160 and I've like, and a big old nose. 353 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:13,280 Like it's not disproportionately sized, but it's, it's wider and 354 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,680 I've given it to all of my kiddos. 355 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,000 I have very curly hair. I don't know, there's just these 356 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,720 things that I grew up, like I grew up and even in my 357 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,400 adulthood, honestly, seeing Mexican people or people that I 358 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,480 thought were probably Mexican and just wondering, oh, I wonder 359 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,320 if, I don't know, I just had these random thoughts, 360 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,560 especially in California when I was a child, you know, the 361 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,640 innocence of a child, like, oh, I wonder if that could be a 362 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,240 relative of mine. I wonder if that could be my 363 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,680 dad, you know, And then into adulthood, like, I guess it more 364 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:45,080 so connects you with this, like this feeling of loss almost. 365 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:49,000 It's, I don't know, it's weird to have a feeling of loss and 366 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,360 you've never known something. Yeah. 367 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,720 Did you always know that you were Mexican? 368 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:54,520 Did your mom and tell? You. 369 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:58,560 I did. I did, but I, my mother never 370 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,520 helped me. Well, as far as I can remember, 371 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,920 I don't remember a lot of my early childhood. 372 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:06,240 So I think it's probably because of the later traumas. 373 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,640 To be honest. I don't remember ever connecting 374 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,520 or learning about that heritage, you know, at all. 375 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,840 So I've really started exploring that in the last couple years, 376 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,360 to be completely honest. OK. 377 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:23,080 So when I was 18, you know, I reached out to my father and I'm 378 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:26,400 getting to know my grandma. I did end up emailing my my 379 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,760 biological father and I told him that I could tell he wasn't 380 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,560 interested in getting to know me. 381 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,840 I told him I was leaving the door open, but I wasn't going to 382 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,240 put forth the effort anymore to try to get to know him. 383 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:42,760 When I was 21, I went, I flew to Southern California because my 384 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,680 step sister, so my, my stepdad, the one who raised me, he had a 385 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,200 daughter from a second marriage. She had always lived with her 386 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,600 mom and so she was getting married. 387 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,520 So I flew out there for her wedding. 388 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,960 And I ended up meeting my paternal grandmother for the 389 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,760 first time, getting to see my grandmother's house and all 390 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,600 these pictures. And I don't remember anything 391 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:08,040 really about the visit, like specifically other than, you 392 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,680 know, her showing me everything. But it just felt really good. 393 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,200 And it felt good to be embraced by this, you know, grandmother 394 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,440 that I'd never known. It felt so good to see somebody 395 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,360 who was dark skinned, you know, like. 396 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,920 Was validating to get that genetic mirroring? 397 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,520 Yeah. So that was when I was 21. 398 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:31,000 Backtrack probably 2 years because it was had to have been 399 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,840 right before my mom died. She died when I was 19. 400 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,840 I flew to Washington. She would find me out there for 401 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:40,040 like holidays and for summer vacation. 402 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,800 So I did go get to go out there at least twice before she died. 403 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,720 I got to meet one of my paternal uncles. 404 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:52,280 So my biological father's brother, he live he lives 405 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:54,160 continues to live in Washington state. 406 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:58,760 And so we had connected and he actually had known about me, but 407 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,000 he never reached out. I don't know. 408 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,720 I mean, I get, I get it. I guess it's a weird, complex 409 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,200 situation. But he had two sons in 410 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,440 Washington, and I met them. And so I don't know. 411 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:10,840 That was a really cool experience. 412 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:12,560 You know, just, it felt really cool. 413 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:17,400 I have pictures now that I can look back at and see my meet 414 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:18,880 with my uncle and my cousin. I don't know. 415 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:23,440 My uncle was a little on this, not standoffish, but it's hard 416 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:26,960 to find the right words. You know, he's trying to explain 417 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:31,680 how he was raised and he doesn't understand like my curiosity 418 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,160 really and my want to get to know my father. 419 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,400 And oh, and maybe he didn't even wear it like that, but he 420 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,520 understands my father. And, you know, if you Fast 421 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:43,680 forward to me now at the age of 39, I now understand and see 422 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,960 that my uncle was also living the same type of life that my 423 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:51,840 biological father did. He has at least four kids that 424 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,600 we know of all my separate moms. And I don't know that he's in 425 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,480 any of their lives. So he was never a present 426 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,280 father. So I think he was probably 427 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:04,000 trying to make himself feel better under, I don't know. 428 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,840 I don't know, you know, it's just a lot of guesswork. 429 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,920 Right. So that relationship kind of 430 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,680 died down. My biological father, he had 431 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,120 added me on Facebook. When he added me, I, I felt 432 00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:18,200 great, like, OK, he's reaching back out. 433 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:22,240 But there was never communication and there was 434 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:26,920 never connection. Over the course of a decade, the 435 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:33,280 messages never went past Merry Christmas, Happy birthday, you 436 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:37,680 know, so it was very generic on the surface level. 437 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:41,640 So two years ago, for my own mental health, I had to close 438 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,280 that chapter. So I'd always left the door 439 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,880 open, you know, hoping and praying that one day this man 440 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:51,560 who created me, although I know he didn't mean to, but I, I 441 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,160 always hoped, you know, that he would have this want to get to 442 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:57,320 know me. And that never came to fruition. 443 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:01,320 So I decided two years ago to close that door. 444 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:05,200 We had a birthday party for my my daughter, one of my children 445 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,840 and this daughter is my absolute twin. 446 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:12,720 Out of the four kids that I I have given birth to, all of them 447 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:15,160 are blonde haired, blue eyed except for her. 448 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,760 She is my dark skinned, curly haired mirror. 449 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,840 For her birthday, we had a hotel party and pool party. 450 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:26,000 And that evening she slept next to me in the hotel bed. 451 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,840 And as I was going to sleep, you know, just holding her, I just, 452 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:35,080 I became absolutely overwhelmed with all of these thoughts and 453 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,680 like my, my brain had turned to my biological father and I just, 454 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:45,480 I had zero understanding of how somebody could leave their child 455 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,800 or not have a want to know their child. 456 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,880 I ended up staying up for hours. I don't think I got very much 457 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,600 sleep that night because I stayed up. 458 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:58,400 I love to write. And so I wrote, but I wrote to 459 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,320 him and it was telling him goodbye. 460 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:04,320 It was telling him all the things I'd never had the space 461 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:08,000 or the courage to tell him, you know, because we never talked 462 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,360 about anything other than hello, how are you? 463 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:14,320 So I let it all out. I thought two years ago that I'd 464 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:18,600 maybe been a little on the not quite FU side, but a little on 465 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,160 the if I'm going to stick it to you. 466 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,840 But I reread that note recently that I, I actually did send it 467 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:27,440 to him and it wasn't at all. I was really quite empathetic 468 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,000 for all the things that I've been through and for all the 469 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,440 time and space that I've given him, you know, to have nothing 470 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,120 in return. I, I don't know, like, it felt 471 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:38,400 good. But I told him goodbye and then 472 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:43,840 I never heard from him ever again, you know, and, and before 473 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:47,080 that it, it had literally been 12 messages over the course of a 474 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,040 decade. So it's not like I expected 475 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:53,240 anything, but I guess part of me had still hoped that a part of 476 00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:56,880 him would be like, oh, this is where she's lived. 477 00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:02,080 But then I was curious. I so at the time I had a lot of 478 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:06,680 health issues and so I had ordered a 23 andme test. 479 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,840 I was curious because my mom had a lot of, you know, physical 480 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,200 disability stuff. And then I saw my half sister on 481 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,640 there. So she was 12, you know, when I 482 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,760 initially connected with her and her mother end up having a 483 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:20,120 really hard time with me reaching out, which I 484 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,600 understand. So two years ago I got in this 485 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:27,560 23 andme test and I bought my house and I actually had reached 486 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:30,640 I saw that she was on Instagram. So I sent her a friend request 487 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,600 and she accepted and we started talking and that felt really 488 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,680 good. Although I will say the 489 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:39,120 conversation is kind of hot and cold sometimes. 490 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:43,840 So that was really hard for me because I'm kind of all in when 491 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,960 I'm hyper fixated on something, especially when it comes to 492 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:51,720 connecting and communication. And so the hot and coldness, it 493 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:55,680 made me wonder or question sometimes, you know, like my 494 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,680 worth again. And it, it made me question like 495 00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:59,840 whether or not like this was feasible. 496 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:05,000 We ended up having some. I guess I'm trying to figure out 497 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,840 a way to say this without relaying too much information 498 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:11,360 about her, but she she came to realize that she has 499 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:17,080 neurodivergence also now on me and my kids. 500 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:21,480 My eldest has ADHD, my middle daughter has ADHD. 501 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:25,040 My, my son, my only son that I've given birth to, he has 502 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,320 autism. So there's neuro divergent and 503 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,800 it can be genetically related, especially with, well, I don't 504 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:33,000 know. No, it's OK. 505 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,200 There's some some genetic component. 506 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:39,880 Absolutely is, but then, you know, to have my sister say say 507 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,720 that she realized she has neuro divergent and then it made the 508 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,560 hot and cold way of conversation make sense. 509 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:51,400 So I'm not going to say we have a close relationship, but we did 510 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,280 finally meet for the first time last February. 511 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,960 So that was about a year ago. She lives in Georgia. 512 00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,280 She's lived in Georgia with her mom for a long time. 513 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:03,520 And so she drove from Georgia. I drove from mid state Illinois 514 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:05,720 and we met in Tennessee. We neither one of us have been 515 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:10,480 in Nashville, TN. So we went and I don't know, we 516 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,160 were just, we'd never been around each other before. 517 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,000 So that was a new experience. There wasn't too much 518 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:19,800 conversation because, I don't know, it's just uncomfortable, 519 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:24,280 you know, like I grew up not knowing that family and she grew 520 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,760 up in that family. And so it's just a weird 521 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:30,240 mixture. It's like neurodivergence meets 522 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:33,520 the awkwardness of half sisters meeting for the first time meets 523 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:37,480 I don't know. It's very interesting to me that 524 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:42,200 you had connected with her so many years before and then 525 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,720 through DNA testing is really how you made that connection 526 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:49,360 again. So you know you did not or have 527 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:53,240 not had the opportunity to connect with your biological 528 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,720 father since you sent that message 2 years. 529 00:28:56,720 --> 00:29:00,640 And even then before that he wasn't really involved. 530 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:05,840 How have you been able to cope with that sense of rejection 531 00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:08,240 from him? Have there been any specific 532 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,440 things that you've done to work through it? 533 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,520 That's a great question. I've learned to feel my 534 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:15,440 feelings, you know, to work through them. 535 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:20,200 So that's a big thing because I, I don't have the opportunity to 536 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,960 get my heritage through him or through his parents because of 537 00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:24,560 all the trauma. I didn't exactly have the 538 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,000 healthiest of communication skills. 539 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:30,000 And so in my 20s when she, I realized like she was liberal, 540 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:31,680 but she was also conservative Christian. 541 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:36,720 So she was very anti anyone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, 542 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,040 trans, like she was very openly anti. 543 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,000 And I was very openly, like, no, love everybody. 544 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,080 And so she deleted me off of Facebook and that hurt. 545 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:49,120 And then she was just like ranting and venting about, you 546 00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:52,480 know, this group of people. And I was like, no, like, this 547 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:55,720 isn't OK to me. And so I ended up emailing her 548 00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:59,240 and telling her goodbye instead of trying to have a boundary 549 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,240 that was like, hey, you respect me and don't have this 550 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:03,960 conversation with me around. I just cut her off. 551 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,000 So two years ago, everything was about two years ago. 552 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:09,120 Like it was a few months after I told my dad goodbye. 553 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:13,680 I tried reaching out to her and I sent her this long, really 554 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:18,640 pretty message about just this, this want, you know, of getting 555 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:21,800 to know, getting to have that familiar mother relationship. 556 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:24,600 I'm not an eloquent speaker in any way. 557 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:27,640 Like when I can pause and put it on on paper, you know, it's 558 00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:30,040 different. She did e-mail me back. 559 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:35,160 It was kind of generic and it was like, it started off sweet, 560 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,440 like, granddaughter. I'm so, you know, pleasantly 561 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:38,800 surprised that you've emailed me. 562 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:41,600 But then it turned into sometimes in life, we don't 563 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:43,880 always get what we want. I tried not to take it 564 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,640 negatively, though. So I did try a couple more 565 00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:48,440 times. And she's getting older. 566 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:51,240 She is in her 80s. I realized she's got an active 567 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:54,080 life with her granddaughters in Southern California. 568 00:30:54,680 --> 00:31:00,600 So it hurts, you know, like, she's never been a grandma to 569 00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:01,920 me. She's never been a great grandma 570 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:05,040 to my kids, my kids. You know, I don't have my mom. 571 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,360 She died when I was 19. So there's just this, there's 572 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:11,560 all this, like, sense of loss. And then a couple months ago, I 573 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:13,520 tried reaching out to my paternal grandfather for the 574 00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:16,400 first time ever, ever. Because, you know, at this 575 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:18,520 point, I'm not even looking for like a relationship. 576 00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:21,920 I'm looking for pictures and for heritage information and for 577 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:25,320 stories. Like, I'm big into genealogy and 578 00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:27,800 I'm big into trying to track this stuff down because I don't 579 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,840 have access to it through my immediate family. 580 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:35,480 And so I was turned down. That was right around Halloween. 581 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,280 That hurt. That was like a vaniment all 582 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:40,360 over again. It's like, OK, I did this two 583 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:43,000 years ago recently, You know, my grandmother's. 584 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:45,520 Like, that's a dead end. And then I reached out to my 585 00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:47,880 paternal grandfather for the first time ever in my life. 586 00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:50,240 And he's like, no, no thanks. That'll make it awkward between 587 00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:54,040 my son and I. So, so that was hurtful. 588 00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:59,120 But then I continued on. So I have chosen to boldly 589 00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:01,920 connect with cousins. Outside of that. 590 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:06,320 I am like on Facebook with some first cousins, but we're not 591 00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:07,720 really close. They are helpful. 592 00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:10,160 They helped me when I was initially getting on 23andMe 593 00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:13,040 with like health information and stuff because I really was going 594 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:16,520 through some stuff. But outside of that, we we just 595 00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:17,920 live in two entirely different lives. 596 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:21,600 You know, they live in Southern California and they're young and 597 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:25,240 beautiful and have no children and it's awesome for them. 598 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:27,040 I love that. And, and but then I see them 599 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:30,560 with like my grandmother and just, you know, it's like, oh, 600 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:32,960 her OK. And then there's distant 601 00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:35,160 cousins, though, that I've connected with through Ancestry 602 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:37,480 and 23andMe and my tree building. 603 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:40,040 So I have these names because I'm smart. 604 00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:42,360 And so I've connected with all these cousins. 605 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:45,480 I'm like, hey, do you happen to have, you know, pictures of my 606 00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:47,320 great grandma or my great great grandma? 607 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:51,160 And there are so many people who have stories, somebody who's my 608 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:55,040 age, but very distantly related, but he has memories of going to 609 00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:58,000 see my great grandma's house. And I'm like, what? 610 00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:00,480 Because she didn't die until I was nine and I was still in 611 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:02,560 Southern California. So even though, you know, 612 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:06,960 there's all this harrumph, because I don't have memories of 613 00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:11,720 my paternal family, I'm finding a lot of joy with tracking down 614 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:15,520 the memories that I'm able to get from my cousins, my distant 615 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:17,560 cousins. So I'm getting pictures and I'm 616 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:19,880 getting stories and I'm getting memories. 617 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:21,960 And it just feels really good. And I'm going to continue with 618 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:25,120 that because I don't really know how else to connect with that 619 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:28,040 Mexican side other than to pursue that and to see where 620 00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:31,040 they lived and to find out information about those places. 621 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:34,520 Yeah, a lot of people talk about connecting through food, like 622 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:38,360 recipes and things like that, kind of help them feel connected 623 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:40,360 to their heritage. Have you done any of those 624 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:42,600 things? Yes and no. 625 00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:45,400 I'm a big cook. I love to cook my growing up 626 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:47,720 with my mom, she black pepper was spicy. 627 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:50,560 My grandma always cooked, but it was like southern. 628 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:52,640 So, like, that's all very different from the, like, 629 00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:57,640 heritage of Mexicans, you know, tortillas and beans and rice. 630 00:33:57,640 --> 00:34:00,920 And so my mom said she never had a Taco until she was in high 631 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:02,760 school. She went to a friend's house and 632 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,080 she had her first Taco. I do have a love of 633 00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:08,239 experimenting with food and I do experiment with some of the 634 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:11,400 Mexican foods. Yeah, what? 635 00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:14,560 What is next for you in your journey? 636 00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:16,679 It sounds like you're making some awesome connections with 637 00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:18,719 Cousins. Is there anything else that 638 00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:20,120 you're hoping to do as you look to the? 639 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:22,400 Future. Not really, I just continue 640 00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:26,920 along this path. I do wonder if any of my 641 00:34:27,040 --> 00:34:31,480 paternal uncle's children will show up on Ancestry or 23andMe. 642 00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:35,600 There's some questions there, but outside of that, no. 643 00:34:35,639 --> 00:34:40,199 Just to keep living, connecting, finding more pictures and 644 00:34:40,199 --> 00:34:42,800 memories and stories. I'm interested in your 645 00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:47,880 perspective on this because you knew that you were raised by 646 00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:51,440 someone other than your biological father for for most 647 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:55,239 of your childhood. So what advice do you have for a 648 00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:59,400 parent who's keeping adna surprise from their child? 649 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:03,400 Oh, I'm totally team honesty all the way. 100%. 650 00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:07,760 For someone to grow up, you know, questioning like who they 651 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:10,560 are, it's so important to understand where they come from 652 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:14,080 and to be able to give them as much information as possible can 653 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:18,160 be really not necessarily healing, but it can give them a 654 00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:22,680 sense of comfort, sense of knowing who they are, you know, 655 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:24,840 understanding who they are, where they come from. 656 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:28,400 And what advice do you have for someone who is just embarking on 657 00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:33,320 this DNA journey and trying to connect with family, especially 658 00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:37,240 if maybe a parent isn't open to a relationship with them? 659 00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:40,680 Give yourself grace. Give yourself patience and the 660 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:45,840 space to feel your feelings. If you push those feelings away 661 00:35:46,240 --> 00:35:49,880 and you pretend like they don't exist and you find coping 662 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,680 mechanisms, even if they're, you know, considered healthy coping 663 00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:56,400 mechanisms, you're still not feeling what it is that you 664 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,800 actually feel. And you're learning to push your 665 00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:02,800 own wants and needs aside. So I just ask you to believe in 666 00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,760 yourself and to give yourself grace because any and all of the 667 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:11,960 feelings that you feel are OK. You know, it's OK to have big 668 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:15,760 feelings and to have great sadness and grief. 669 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:19,280 It's OK to be happy, to have connections, and it's OK to feel 670 00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,280 sad. I guess that's not so silly, but 671 00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:26,280 it's OK. But it's true, because a lot of 672 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:29,640 times we don't allow ourselves to feel all of our feelings as 673 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,720 we go through this. So thank you for saying that, 674 00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,640 Miranda, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and 675 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:40,560 sharing your story. I, I totally understand that you 676 00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:44,640 don't feel like you fit perfectly in a box in the DNA 677 00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:48,360 surprise community, but you still have so many of the same 678 00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:51,880 emotions and feelings and you're going through it in the same way 679 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:54,960 that so many of us are. So thank you for coming on and 680 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:59,400 being vulnerable, and I wish you the best of luck as you continue 681 00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:02,960 finding new family members and building relationships with the 682 00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:06,080 ones who have accepted you. Thank you so much, Alexis. 683 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:09,160 Thanks again to Miranda for sharing her story. 684 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,720 If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please 685 00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:16,560 submit your story at dnasurprisespodcast.com. 686 00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:21,200 Until next time. This episode of DNA Surprises 687 00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:26,160 was hosted, produced and edited by me Alexis Ourselt. 688 00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:30,960 It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording 689 00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:31,720 Studios.