1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:04,680 So I try to find a nice balance. I don't call them anymore. 2 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:07,440 They've stopped calling me. I'm just done with them. 3 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:11,120 They had their chance. They had their chance to build a 4 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:14,520 meaningful relationship with me. There's beautiful people in the 5 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,520 world. I have a really great 6 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:19,640 relationship with my children and I would never put them 7 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,320 through what my mom put me through. 8 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:25,840 Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the 9 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,480 world of unexpected DNA discoveries. 10 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:34,960 I'm your host, Alexis ourselves. In July 2021, my life took a 11 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:39,880 surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who 12 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,680 has experienced a non paternal event. 13 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:47,240 In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he 14 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:50,240 was. Join me as we explore the 15 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:55,360 stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their 16 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,120 families. Get ready to unravel the 17 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:02,280 astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test. 18 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:10,960 This is DNA surprises dad, bio dad, genetic father or just 19 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:14,200 father. After people connect with their 20 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,960 new found biological fathers, they often struggle with what to 21 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:21,200 call them. And what about the dads we grew 22 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:25,880 up with? Raised dad, stepdad, birth 23 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:29,520 certificate dad. Then there's the well meaning 24 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,800 but perpetually frustrating phrase. 25 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,680 Your dad is still your dad. Love that one. 26 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:42,360 Many of us do continue calling the dads we grew up with Dad. 27 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,200 But what if your relationship with your raised father is 28 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,440 traumatic? What if you were always distant 29 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:53,640 and there's no real love lost? After uncovering Adna surprise 30 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,840 in this week's episode, Louisa shares a name I hadn't heard yet 31 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,360 on the show. Fake Dad. 32 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:06,960 She shares how she uncovered her DNA surprise and the impact that 33 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,039 it had on her relationship with her parents, as well as the 34 00:02:10,039 --> 00:02:12,520 biological father she was able to identify. 35 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:17,520 He's called new dad. By the way, a quick warning 36 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:21,440 before this episode begins, there is mention of childhood 37 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,840 sexual abuse during our conversation. 38 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,200 Thank you for sharing your story, Louisa. 39 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:31,600 My name is Louisa. I currently live in Ohio, but I 40 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:36,480 was born in Germany, actually East Germany behind a wall, and 41 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:38,880 we moved here to Ohio when I was 13. 42 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,680 I grew up in East Germany with a brother. 43 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,520 He was three years older than me. 44 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:49,280 My mom, my dad, which we will call fake that as it turns out, 45 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:53,320 and my career mom all in the same household. 46 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,800 It was a pretty normal upbringing. 47 00:02:55,800 --> 00:03:01,760 A few incidences that I kind of remember growing up that looking 48 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,680 back now are really weird and they will kind of set the stage 49 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:10,400 for what I will find out later. The first one was my fake dad's 50 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,240 dad's funeral. So my grandpa on fake dad's 51 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:17,480 side, he had passed away and everybody went to the funeral 52 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,120 except for me. I was left behind at home. 53 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:25,200 It was so upsetting to me that I took up my dress, this beautiful 54 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,960 dress that I owned. I was probably about six years 55 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,280 old at the time. And I cut it all up to show my 56 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:35,520 anger and a destructive way that, you know, I thought would 57 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,160 hurt my parents for leaving me behind. 58 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,800 They, of course, explained it. Oh, it was because I was so 59 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,160 young and kids shouldn't be at funerals, which the old I got, I 60 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,040 was like, oh, I guess that's understandable. 61 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:52,320 Another incident that's very pronounced was I saved my pin 62 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:56,240 money. I was probably 8 at the time and 63 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:00,800 it was during the times when catalogs was a thing still and 64 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:05,160 everything got ordered off catalogs and I bought Fake dad 65 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,480 this Christmas tape that I thought would be a really 66 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,000 exciting opportunity for us to listen together. 67 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,720 I was really excited about it. It was a big deal to me. 68 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,959 I remember feeling so heartbroken when it was kind of 69 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:22,680 rejected. It was he doesn't need this, so 70 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:25,360 why would we waste our money buying this? 71 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,360 And it like really hurt my feelings because I thought it 72 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,200 was a great gift. And it was just like this 73 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,360 rejection from these adults that, you know, that are 74 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,720 supposed to live here. And there's other things. 75 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:42,200 My mom growing up there was a story about that she would bring 76 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,600 up all the time when I was being difficult how she was going to 77 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:50,240 have an abortion and she was laying in the chair and 78 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,520 something told her not to and here I am and how I should just 79 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:58,440 be very thankful that she changed her mind at the very 80 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,600 last minute and I shouldn't even be here. 81 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:05,600 The story has been told even before I found any of this out. 82 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,880 Kind of like accompanied me my whole life. 83 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,640 Similar another story is that she always claimed she had found 84 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,920 me in the bushes and that's why I was so different. 85 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,840 How did you feel hearing those kinds of things? 86 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:22,960 I mean, hearing that your mom almost had an abortion and that 87 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:26,400 didn't, and then here you are. I mean, how did that affect you? 88 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:32,240 I can't even tell you because that is one of those stories 89 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:36,160 that you've always been told. So you just like, I don't 90 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:39,560 remember how it first made me feel because I was probably 91 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,800 really young when at first when she first normalized telling 92 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:48,040 that story. And now looking back, it makes 93 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:52,160 sense. But it's just like I even if I 94 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,160 ever thought about an abortion, I would never tell my kids about 95 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,280 that. I would never. 96 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,480 Like not a prop that in. There, Yeah. 97 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,640 Wrap that in their face and make it part of their growing up, 98 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,400 essentially, which is now it's hurtful. 99 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,960 Like now with now that I have all the information, it's just 100 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,720 very hurtful. I feel like it wasn't a very 101 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:18,240 close relationship with anybody. Me and my brother were close 102 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,440 enough but far enough apart. We were just always kind of 103 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,360 bickering with each other. So there wasn't a lot of love 104 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,040 lost. I feel like the closest 105 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,440 relationship I had was with my grandmother, my mom's mom. 106 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:34,080 She actually had a really rough family history. 107 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:39,520 She has a lot of PTSD that I think she knowing now what I do 108 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:43,240 about PTSD and how it's a generational trauma. 109 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:47,720 I understand how that influenced my mother's behavior in certain 110 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,160 ways. So my grandma, she actually grew 111 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:56,160 up in Prussia and when World War 2 happened, she was a young 112 00:06:56,160 --> 00:07:00,760 teenager and they were originally from Germany and the 113 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:06,000 Russians started entering World War 2 and they started bombing 114 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,280 in the towns and kind of like migrating West in hopes of 115 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:14,040 defeating Hitler. And so my grandma and her family 116 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:18,520 were caught in the middle of all this, of these two mega forces 117 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,160 battling it out right where they were living. 118 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:26,040 And I remember her telling me how they had to pick up all 119 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:30,200 their belongings and actually walk all the way to Germany from 120 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,280 Prussia. Many family members died. 121 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:38,600 It was really tough growing up for her, and it really scarred 122 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,960 her in a lot of ways. Growing up. 123 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,280 She would always hide when we had fireworks in the city 124 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:48,480 because it reminded her of the bombs falling, and it was really 125 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:52,120 hard to watch her and hear her tell these stories. 126 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:57,040 So I can accept the fact that her trauma probably influenced 127 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,560 how my mom grew up. My mother always said she had a 128 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,880 very difficult relationship with my grandma. 129 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:08,920 When I was 13 years old, my parents decided to take a job in 130 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:13,040 America. My daddy's job offered him a 131 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,800 position here in Ohio. This is after the wall had come 132 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:23,120 down and they economy was in turmoil and then they thought it 133 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:27,040 as a good opportunity to do something more with their lives. 134 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:31,480 Especially both of them grew up behind the wall and it was very 135 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,360 restricted living behind the wall. 136 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:37,679 So they saw this as a great opportunity while they moved me 137 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:41,240 and them to America and they left my brother, who's only 16 138 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,120 at the time, behind in Germany by himself. 139 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,760 He actually moved in with my fake dad's grandmother. 140 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,720 Back then it was all explained away and in an orderly fashion 141 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,400 why this is happening. But looking back now, I would 142 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:58,680 never leave my 16 year old in a different continent. 143 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:02,200 What did you think about moving to the United States during that 144 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,480 time? Were you excited? 145 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,200 I was. Excited and you know, you see 146 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:10,080 some of the movies at that time, it was a little after the wall 147 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,760 had come down. So the Western TV started being 148 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:19,200 on and you saw all these series and Western life and you're 149 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,080 like, oh, that's, that's really cool. 150 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,800 Especially America. It just seemed like a really 151 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,960 neat opportunity. Before we move, I walked in on a 152 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,840 conversation that was happening in the kitchen. 153 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:35,520 I was 13 years old and I think it was grandma and the parents 154 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:39,160 and my brother. And they were talking about a 155 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:43,640 sister and I was like what do you mean a sister? 156 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:47,160 And they were like oh Louisa walked in on us. 157 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:51,320 Now we have to tell her. Apparently there existed 1/2 158 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:56,640 sister that was the same age as my brother, and the story goes 159 00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:00,160 that my dad got two women pregnant at the same time. 160 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:05,280 He was seeing both of them and his parents made him choose one 161 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,800 of the women. He ended up choosing my mom, but 162 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,040 they were both pregnant. They both had their children. 163 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,560 She had a daughter, my mom had a son. 164 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,920 Shortly after my brother was born, they actually ended up 165 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,240 getting married. Now my mom claims she was forced 166 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,400 into that marriage by fake dad's mom. 167 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:27,120 If it was really up to her, she would have never ended up 168 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:30,120 marrying him. So the daughter at that time 169 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:33,360 would have been also 16 like my brother. 170 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:38,560 He was never in her life. He did pay child support and 171 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,000 that's actually the conversation I walked in on. 172 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:45,320 How will these child support payments keep flowing once 173 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:49,200 they're moved to America? And I'm like, well, who cares 174 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,160 about that? I want to meet the sister. 175 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,120 I have a sister out there. I've always wanted a sister. 176 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,840 I only grew up with a brother, and we always had a very 177 00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,120 contentious relationship. Maybe she looks like me. 178 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,600 Maybe we can be friends. I was over the moon. 179 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:08,280 I was so excited. I was the driving force that 180 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:13,360 finally got us to meet her. I begged my parents that I 181 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,760 really wanted to meet the sister that I had, and it ended up 182 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:20,320 being me, my brother and my mom that ended up meeting her at a 183 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:26,200 restaurant. And I want to say fake that this 184 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:30,120 is after we had already moved to the US and because it takes a 185 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:34,040 little time to, you know, establish the relationship and 186 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,760 get to a point of where you want to meet somebody. 187 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:42,200 We all met with her at a restaurant and it was lovely. 188 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:46,440 She was a really sweet person. We don't look anything alike. 189 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,560 I was kind of a bummer for years and I was looking for 190 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:53,080 similarities, but and that was really that. 191 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:57,840 So when we're living in America, we had been here for a year now, 192 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:03,160 that fig that assaulted me, it wasn't a rape, but it was a 193 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,560 sexual assault. And I was so young at the time. 194 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,880 That's how I processed it is like, oh, he didn't rape you. 195 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,680 It's OK. You can just forget about it. 196 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,120 You don't need to think about it. 197 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:20,280 It will be OK. And I completely just black that 198 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,720 out of my memory and I'm so. Sorry. 199 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,960 Thank you. I would go about my business. 200 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:29,600 You know, you're you're in high school, you're starting. 201 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,800 I'm trying to learn a new language. 202 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,520 I didn't speak English when I moved here, so I'm trying to 203 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,400 learn English. That happened. 204 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:42,040 I'm trying to make friends. Being a teenager and finding 205 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:46,120 yourself in a new friend situation is so difficult. 206 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,560 And it was a very volatile time. I wouldn't even know even if I 207 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:53,200 wanted to tell somebody besides my mother who was out of town 208 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,200 when that happened. And when she came back, a few 209 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,720 days had passed and I'm just like, OK, it's gone. 210 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,440 We're just moving on. It's just us 3 here. 211 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,920 Like these are the two people that I rely on in my life. 212 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:10,200 I have literally nobody else. It's not like I know any any 213 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,760 teachers that I've known for a few years or any friends. 214 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,600 I wouldn't even know how to communicate something like that 215 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,720 to anybody. It's incredible what your mind 216 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,320 does. And I just went about my 217 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,920 business. However, it really took a toll 218 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:30,200 on our relationships further and the next few years were really 219 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,520 volatile. Lots of fights. 220 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,080 He was always still traveling, so it was all me and my mom just 221 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,880 fighting and we didn't see eye to eye. 222 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:46,840 There was times when we got into physical alterations just hard. 223 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:51,920 There was a lot of talk of you're a difficult child, you 224 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:56,680 always want everything. You are just complicate. 225 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,840 You make our life complicated in a sense. 226 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,560 I was when we were still living in Germany. 227 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:07,040 I was running around with teenagers that also didn't like 228 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:10,160 their home life. And we met on the streets and 229 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,600 we're just out and about at all hours. 230 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:16,760 And I felt more of a connection to those people than my own 231 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,640 parents. I've run away from home once 232 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,280 just for one night, but it was like I just couldn't take it 233 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,200 anymore. It was a moment where me and my 234 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,880 mom had gotten in a lot of fights, yeah. 235 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:33,400 That's but you know, I just want to say because I think sometimes 236 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,560 children, but you were a child hear that. 237 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,160 And the reality is you, you were a kid. 238 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:43,600 Yes, my husband put it really nicely. 239 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,880 He said, because my oldest is actually one of a different 240 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:51,760 relationship. So he, my husband and him are 241 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,680 not related. But he met him when he was three 242 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:58,840 years old and he is now almost 20, so they've been in each 243 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,960 other's lives for a long time. He really opened my eyes. 244 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:07,480 He said it's the same as me blaming your son for us not 245 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:11,800 getting along at certain times. And I'm like, you're right, no 246 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,880 kid should have that put on their shoulders that they're the 247 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,320 reason this relationship is so difficult. 248 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:23,640 So I'm living in America. I'm kind of trying to figure out 249 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,200 how to make this relationship with my parents work. 250 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:31,600 It's just as three. None of the other family ever 251 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,880 really like kept in touch. The only one that sent me 252 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,200 letters was my grandma on my mother's side that used to live 253 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,160 with us. Other than that into this day I 254 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:45,680 have 0 relationships with any of them except my brother, his 255 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,520 daughter and then my ex half sister. 256 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,120 I was probably 17. I went back to Germany for a 257 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,160 visit because my grandma was dying on fake that side. 258 00:15:55,680 --> 00:16:00,360 I went to visit her and she just had no idea who I was. 259 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,360 I was like, oh, I'm your granddaughter. 260 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,120 She was struggling with dementia. 261 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,320 She said these words and they haunt me to this day. 262 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,160 She says, but I don't have a granddaughter. 263 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,880 I have asked my brother, did she ever not remember you? 264 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,400 And he's like Oh no, she knew she even to the end like there 265 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:21,400 was dementia moments but like the people around her she would 266 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,720 still kind of register. And later I put it together that 267 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,480 that's fake Dad's mom. And of course she didn't have a 268 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:31,440 granddaughter. More along the lines of my mom 269 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,200 and me fighting is during one of these fights or it might have 270 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:39,560 been a series of fights. She took all my baby picture 271 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:44,760 albums and ripped them all up. I have 0 pictures of anybody 272 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,920 with me as a baby. They're all ripped in half and 273 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,600 all that was left behind was just my picture. 274 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,320 Nobody else in the picture, even herself. 275 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:59,240 She ripped the doll in half and took all the people out of all 276 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:04,400 the photo albums that she's left behind, which is just I, I can't 277 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,240 even like, I always put myself in her shoes. 278 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,160 And when I think of my own children and doing that to my 279 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,560 children, I just want to cry. Yeah, that's unbelievable. 280 00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:18,280 Always in our fight, she would leave little Nuggets of your 281 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,920 real dad never wanted you. I'm going along with the 282 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:26,520 abortion claims from early in my childhood and it got set a few 283 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,840 times. It kind of like stuck in my 284 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:33,640 head. So for probably 1520 years, the, 285 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,840 the all these thoughts always circling in my head. 286 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,440 I'm going about my life, I'm building my life, I'm going 287 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:45,680 through college, I meet my husband, I get my CPA, I have a 288 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,240 very good career. I'm building my life here. 289 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,040 We get married, we have two more children. 290 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:57,840 We now have three children. And I take a job in a nonprofit. 291 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,000 It deals with children and there are also troubled children 292 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,640 there. So as an employee of this 293 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:09,080 nonprofit, we received what is called trauma informed Care, 294 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:13,520 which is a seminar that you take and we went through it for a few 295 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:17,000 days. And during that seminar they go 296 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,960 through certain exercises about your life and what are some 297 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:25,400 traumatic and triggering events. And we go through this exercise 298 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:29,560 and my mind is just like, guess what happened to you? 299 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,840 This is what happened to you. Do you remember this? 300 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:35,840 It was almost like I experienced it for a second time as an 301 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,880 adult. I am glad it happened because 302 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:42,720 who knows how long I still would have cut that part in my brain 303 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:47,960 off and and filed it away. Now it's about over 10 years ago 304 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,320 now. From that moment on, it was 305 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,880 just, I couldn't stop thinking about it. 306 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:57,440 It was constant, my thoughts constantly, like he did this and 307 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,840 this and this and this and what do you do now? 308 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,440 What do you do? I have my own life. 309 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,240 I still try to maintain a relationship with my mom and 310 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:11,600 fake dad because they're the only family I've left, 311 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,640 especially on this continent. I don't really have any other 312 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:19,560 connections to my origin family besides my brother. 313 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:23,440 So I'm still making it work. It's very anxiety driven. 314 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,680 They've never really gotten along with my husband in the 315 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,640 beginning either, so their relationship has always been 316 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:33,520 very volatile. He never knew about any of it 317 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,640 until a few years ago when I finally opened up to him. 318 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:40,400 He is actually very encouraging of just just cut them off. 319 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,240 They're not adding any positive value in your life. 320 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:48,120 So it was very stressful time. I started seeing therapists and 321 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:54,000 life coaches and kind of trying to get to a better place in 322 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:58,280 2020. So five years ago, my mom and 323 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:04,280 fake dad moved back to Europe. They ended up leaving the US and 324 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,840 might I say the only grandchildren they actually have 325 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:12,200 and moved not to Germany but to Hungary to live out their 326 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,840 retirement years over there. It's been five years now. 327 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:20,320 I've only seen them once. That was two years ago. 328 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,800 So two years ago was the last time I seen them. 329 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:26,360 And I've just been going throughout my life as normal 330 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:33,760 when last August, my brother suddenly texted everyone and 331 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:37,800 there is a group chat going on between all the different people 332 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:43,440 all over the world. And he texted how great his DNA 333 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,240 test turned out. And here's all the regions that 334 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,600 popped up and and look at this and I'm German. 335 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,840 Just as we expected, they're picking up the Eastern European 336 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,920 from grandma side and the rest is all German. 337 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,400 There's some Great Britain in there. 338 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,360 Where did that come from? It must be from someone else's 339 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,480 family. He was so excited and he just 340 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:08,920 kind of like opened Pandora's box because the moment he sent 341 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:12,880 that text, I jumped on it. I was like, oh, what DNA test 342 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,680 did you use? And he was like, oh, I used 343 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,640 MyHeritage. That's the most popular in 344 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,600 Germany. So I went with that. 345 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:20,280 I was like, oh, I'm buying me one. 346 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,520 I want to, I want to see. And in my head I'm like, I'm 347 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:27,040 finally going to get my answer. I'm going to get my answer to 348 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:31,560 these questions that have just been sitting in my head for 349 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:35,800 decades. And so I run out the same day I 350 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:40,880 grab the test or I order it, and it took forever in the mail. 351 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:45,280 And every day I'm looking on the app, just waiting, just waiting. 352 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:51,680 I wake up usually about 4:20 in the morning to go to the gym. 353 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:57,520 And so I'm waking up at 4:20 and what's sitting in my inbox is 354 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:01,160 the test result that just changed everything. 355 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:05,440 Turns out he's my half brother. And immediately I'm like, I knew 356 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,720 it. He's not my father. 357 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,600 I I just knew it. And my husband, you know, I wake 358 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:14,640 him up right away and I'm like, hey, the test is here and I'm 359 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,600 right. I've been right my whole life. 360 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,880 And he's like, well hold on. It could also mean that maybe 361 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,400 your brother isn't his and you are really his. 362 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,400 And I'm like, Oh my God no, that would make no sense. 363 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,080 I can tell it was such an emotional moment for you. 364 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:33,720 Was it relief? Was it upset? 365 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,400 Like what? What were you feeling was just? 366 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:41,320 Disbelief. It probably took, it took a few 367 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,200 hours. The first moment was I knew it 368 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:47,960 and then I was like, Oh my God, this just changes everything. 369 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,040 And then I'm like texting them because I'm actually six hours 370 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,880 behind. So they are already awake. 371 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,720 It's 10 in the morning for them. And so I'm texting my brother. 372 00:22:57,720 --> 00:22:59,280 I'm like, have you seen the results? 373 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,240 And he's like, no, no, I'm at work. 374 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,360 I'll look later. And I'm like, I need you to look 375 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:06,640 right now. And he's like, OK, give me a 376 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,520 minute. And I'm just standing there in 377 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,880 my kitchen and like, Oh my God, Oh my God. 378 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,400 And he's not responding. So I'm like, I got to go to work 379 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,520 and I got to go exercise. It just took my mind off the 380 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,440 whole thing. It was so relieving. 381 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:25,440 I'm so glad I went because the rest of the day was just pure 382 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,160 health. So I go to exercise and I 383 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,920 finally come back and he's finally answered me. 384 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,160 And he's like, what in the world is this? 385 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:37,360 What does this mean? And I'm like, it says we're only 386 00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:40,880 half related. And his first impulse is he 387 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,360 calls them right away. They don't answer. 388 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,240 We tried twice to get them on the phone right away. 389 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:50,160 They don't know at this point that I have received my results. 390 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:54,040 However, they did know that I was taking the test because when 391 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:58,400 I said, oh, I'll do it too, I said that in the group chat. 392 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:03,720 So they knew that this was about to come out and they didn't say 393 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,240 a single word. And again, they didn't answer 394 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,160 our phone calls. Finally my brother ended up 395 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:13,560 texting them and saying like what does this mean? 396 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:15,440 Where you know, she's my half sister. 397 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:19,000 Like you got to you got to call us and there was no response. 398 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:23,080 But you could see that they saw the message and I'm like, what 399 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,880 is going on? Took them another two hours 400 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:30,240 before I finally received a text message that they are now ready 401 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:33,560 for me to call them. And they are saying this in the 402 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,640 group chat. They're like essentially telling 403 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,280 my brother, it's none of your business. 404 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,640 We're now talking to Louisa, please call us. 405 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,400 And I'm like, what just happened? 406 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:48,360 They literally took their time and made me wait to get their 407 00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:51,280 story straight. That's literally all that's 408 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:54,640 going through my head. We call them up and they're just 409 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:58,840 like, this is what happened. We all know that fake dad had a 410 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:07,480 affair on my mom, and she got back at him and I'm like, what 411 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,000 does that even mean? And she's like, oh, I had this 412 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:15,240 affair with an Italian guy. And I was like, oh, hey, well, 413 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,640 I'm three years younger than my brother and you guys are already 414 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,720 married. And she's like, oh, yeah, your 415 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:25,040 dad's out of town. And he was a patron at the hotel 416 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:29,440 that she worked at. And she just slept with him and 417 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,520 she claims he got her pregnant on the first drive. 418 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:36,160 And that's the end of it, apparently. 419 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:39,480 Come to find out, the whole family knew about this. 420 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:44,480 Everybody knew I was not his daughter, which now makes so 421 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:48,680 much sense because nobody ever really bothered to keep in touch 422 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:52,320 with me. When I was about I think 18 423 00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:56,560 years old, My aunt and uncle, which is a fake dad's brother 424 00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:00,520 asked me not to call them on, did not go anymore and they just 425 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,240 framed their oh, we're too old for that. 426 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:05,920 Just call us ex-wife. I always thought that was kind 427 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:08,840 of bizarre. But you know, different people 428 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:12,160 have different opinions about things and if they want to be 429 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,680 called that, then I can appreciate that. 430 00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:20,280 Sure, I can do that. Looking back now is Oh well that 431 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:25,240 makes a lot of sense now because it probably bothered them that I 432 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,560 was calling them aunt and uncle when they were really weren't a 433 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:31,320 fun fact. I have never heard from them 434 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:34,720 again since I found out that's. What I was going to say like I 435 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:39,320 everyone certainly is entitled to their own reaction, but just 436 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,840 the idea that that these were your your aunt and uncle now 437 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,000 they knew correct they. Knew. 438 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:50,000 About this so they were holding it and then once you found out, 439 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,080 disowned you. Pretty much. 440 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,080 I mean, it's not like they came out and said, oh, we won't talk 441 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,680 to you anymore. But there's before there was at 442 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,560 least a Christmas message or a, you know, Christmas past. 443 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:04,160 Now my birthday is coming up. We'll see what kind of reactions 444 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,440 we get there. But my brother is actually very 445 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:12,360 close with aunt and uncle, said aunt and uncle and he went to 446 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:15,000 them the same day that I found out. 447 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,040 And that's how we found out that everybody knew. 448 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:23,240 And they claim that this Italian man was her boyfriend. 449 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,920 They literally called him her boyfriend. 450 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,760 And I don't think you do that when you have a one night stand. 451 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:35,520 There has to be more connection for the other family members to 452 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:40,280 call him her little boyfriend. When I pulled up MyHeritage 453 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:44,320 results and I saw my brother was my half brother, it also popped 454 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:49,040 up all these Italian people as my closest connections. 455 00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:52,600 We know nobody in Italy. So I didn't actually think 456 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:57,600 anything of it until she said, oh it was an Italian man. 457 00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,520 He was at my hotel, he got me pregnant. 458 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,920 I slept with him because I was angry at your father, is how she 459 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:08,400 worded it. And her next sentence was, Oh my 460 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:12,160 God, you look just like him. I was like, oh, that's nice to 461 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:13,360 know. So who is he? 462 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,840 Oh, he is such and such. He lives there and there and you 463 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:20,440 can find him online. She gave me all this information 464 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:26,600 and I am 42 years old and this woman has kept track of him. 465 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:28,640 She knew how many children he had. 466 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,200 She knew where he was living, where I could find him. 467 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:36,080 I found him within 5 minutes with the information she was 468 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:41,160 telling me over the phone. I just found him on Facebook and 469 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,240 I send her a picture of him. I was like, this is him. 470 00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:45,560 And she's like, Oh yeah, that's him. 471 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:49,440 That looks just like him. Oh, it was just so surreal. 472 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:53,480 Like she. I just couldn't believe her. 473 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:58,560 It was all right there. She claims that he knew all 474 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:03,200 along that she had a baby. Her story goes that when she 475 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:07,560 found out that she was pregnant with me, she told him and he 476 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:12,440 wanted nothing to do with it. Gave her $600 to have an 477 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:18,680 abortion. And I was like, well that's very 478 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:24,120 specific number and $600.00 is a lot of money nowadays. 479 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:30,080 Back then, that would have been, I mean, East Germany 600, I'm 480 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:34,480 assuming German marks back then, but that would have been almost 481 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,440 like a little fortune. And for her to be like, oh, 482 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:41,000 yeah, he wanted me to have an abortion, goes right back into, 483 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:46,440 oh, she went to the abortion clinic and was on the chair and 484 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,920 was going to have the abortion and then didn't. 485 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,320 And here we are. So that that's the story she's 486 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,320 sticking to. Then she does claim that 487 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:59,280 afterwards once he basically said, I want nothing to do with 488 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:00,560 it. Here's the money. 489 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:05,760 She ended up going to fake that and saying, OK, this is what's 490 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:09,480 happening. And he said, I'll take care of 491 00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:13,120 you. I will race this child as my own 492 00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:18,160 and we'll just make this work. They claim that fake. 493 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:22,160 That was the one that decided to never tell me. 494 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:25,840 On the 1st phone call we had they literally said in a very 495 00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:31,520 joking funny way, like it's all a big joke to them, that we 496 00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:33,160 would have taken this to the grave. 497 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:37,520 How could we have ever known that there was going to be DNA 498 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:40,680 tests and you're ever going to find out? 499 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:45,360 I couldn't even ask them any detailed question because I I 500 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:48,320 was like I don't even know if I'm getting the truth from them. 501 00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:51,880 There was another phone call that I had with her when I asked 502 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:56,160 her some follow up questions where she literally said oh I 503 00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:00,720 blame your father fake that. I blame him for forcing me to 504 00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:06,040 lie to you all these years. I blame new dad that he got me 505 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:09,760 pregnant in the 1st place and I blame you for being such a 506 00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:15,040 difficult child. All within a 2 minute little 507 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:20,320 conversation that this is awesome after all these years. 508 00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:23,440 Where are things at with her now? 509 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:27,960 I am not speaking with them. I ended up making contact with 510 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:30,640 my new dad. It's very difficult. 511 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:34,040 They don't speak German, I don't speak Italian, they don't speak 512 00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:37,080 English. So everything we have 513 00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:42,160 communicated so far is over text message and I will type out my 514 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:45,560 text message on WhatsApp in English, hit the translate 515 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:49,960 button and hope my message arrives in the same sentiment 516 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:54,920 that I mean for it to sound on their end. 517 00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:59,400 Is he excited about you? Like what is his reaction? 518 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:06,560 About his story, he claims that he did have an affair with her. 519 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:10,440 There was a single one night stand versus all the other 520 00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,400 claims of oh he was her little boyfriend. 521 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:19,960 He says at the time he had just met his wife that he's still now 522 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:22,600 married to. He had just met her a month 523 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:25,720 before but they were still in the very early beginnings of 524 00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:32,360 their relationship. He claims that he did not just 525 00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:37,280 leave the country but was kicked out, that he had this 526 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:41,400 relationship with her, went back to Italy for vacation or time 527 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:45,800 off, and when he tried to come back, his passport and visa were 528 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:49,400 revoked. Now this is still eastern and 529 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:52,400 western Germany. There was a wall, so it's really 530 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:54,680 hard to travel in and out of Eastern Europe. 531 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:58,200 His visa was revoked and he was never allowed to enter the 532 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:02,080 country again. He does say that he did receive 533 00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:06,560 a phone call from her after I was born, but she never said 534 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:09,880 anything about a baby. Neither one of their stories 535 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:13,120 line up. I'm going to say it was probably 536 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:17,720 in between those two stories. I do think he knew about me. 537 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,800 He texts me like once a month and I know that's a lot to some 538 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:25,040 people. I always want more but he always 539 00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:27,800 keeps saying how important his wife is to him and his wife is 540 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:31,160 his number one and this is not going to interfere with his 541 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:34,080 wife's relationship. He doesn't come right out and 542 00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:38,000 say it but to me that means don't expect much out of our 543 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:42,120 relationship and I have asked about meeting him and there 544 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:44,800 hasn't really been any movement with that. 545 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:48,880 He doesn't seem to really want to go there. 546 00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:52,040 He hasn't straight out said no, but anytime I brought up oh I'll 547 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,760 come and visit to Italy, it's not like jumping on it. 548 00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:59,200 Whereas I have now found out I have two brothers, actually two 549 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:03,600 more brothers and the one brother is actually older than 550 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:07,600 me. So new dad had a child with 551 00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:12,159 someone in Spain, then had a child with someone in Germany, 552 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,880 and then married his wife and had another child in Italy. 553 00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:21,239 Well, the wife does know about the other child from Spain, the 554 00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:24,639 brother that's older than me, but there's no relationship 555 00:34:24,639 --> 00:34:28,679 there because he is in jail. But the younger brother does 556 00:34:28,679 --> 00:34:33,239 talk to me, and he has expressed an interest in meeting me, 557 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:37,199 although only his wife speaks a little English. 558 00:34:37,199 --> 00:34:41,360 So he's always keep saying, oh, she'll have to translate and 559 00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:45,800 brush up on her English. And I think in this day and age, 560 00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:48,960 it would be really easy to find a translator to come along on a 561 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:52,320 visit or, you know, find someone in town that can kind of 562 00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:56,000 facilitate a meeting. I don't see a big problem with 563 00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:58,560 that. But every country has different 564 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:00,440 cultures. I know nothing about about 565 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:03,480 Italian. I know nothing about MyHeritage. 566 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:12,240 I'm really sad about not ever having connected with that part 567 00:35:12,240 --> 00:35:16,320 of myself. What are you really hoping for 568 00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:19,880 in your relationship based off of what you know today? 569 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:23,120 I've settled down in my expectations a little. 570 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:27,440 I was very excited because I never felt like a connected with 571 00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:32,160 my origin family very well. So knowing that there is a 572 00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:37,600 different piece of me out there genetically that might be like 573 00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:41,160 me would be really exciting. And I was like, oh, I'm going to 574 00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:43,840 meet all these people. I'll go to Italy. 575 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:45,800 And I've always wanted to go to Italy. 576 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:49,440 There are certain things, For example, Germans are known to be 577 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,320 very white. They don't tan very well, right? 578 00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:55,680 My whole life, as you can see right now, I'm very tan. 579 00:35:56,040 --> 00:36:00,000 My whole life. Everybody always was like, Are 580 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:03,160 you sure you're German? Because you, you look very tan. 581 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:05,480 Like I thought, German's on tan. I'm like, yeah, German's tan. 582 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,520 Look at me. I'm also German and I'm, I tan. 583 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,080 And now I'm like, no, I'm Italian. 584 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:13,960 So I would love to go. I would love to go there. 585 00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:17,800 I would love to hug them. I would love to know that as 586 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:22,000 difficult as my mom was, I am not her. 587 00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:25,560 I'm more like them. I'm actually a very happy and 588 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:31,520 sunny individual overall. I'm really excited that my truth 589 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:37,800 finally came out and it was a good truth because now I'm like 590 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:40,880 fake that is has nothing to do with me. 591 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:47,360 He is a sad man that made a horrible choice in his life. 592 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:51,240 And it's not just that it's it's not like we had a close 593 00:36:51,240 --> 00:36:53,720 relationship to begin with. Same with my mother. 594 00:36:53,720 --> 00:36:57,760 There was nothing close. There is now nothing that I miss 595 00:36:57,760 --> 00:37:00,320 anymore. I have stopped talking to them 596 00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:03,720 in any meaningful way. They're already occasional 597 00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:07,680 she'll try to send me an article about something political and 598 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:09,760 it's like, oh, what do you think about that? 599 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:14,320 And I'll ignore her. And however, I still have to 600 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:17,480 deal with their finances over here, so there's always going to 601 00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:21,680 be some connection that has to stay in place, which is 602 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:24,080 unfortunate. But my husband says just cut 603 00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:27,280 them off and be done with it. I just can't take that last 604 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:30,680 step. So I try to find a nice balance. 605 00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:34,120 I don't call them anymore. They've stopped calling me. 606 00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:36,600 I'm just done with them. They had their chance. 607 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:40,880 They had their chance to build a meaningful relationship with me. 608 00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:44,440 What I thought was 1/2 sister. I now have no sister. 609 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:49,480 However, I I have shared that story with her and she was very, 610 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,960 very sweet and we're still in contact so. 611 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,400 She's now. She's now a good friend and 612 00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:59,560 probably still a sister. There's beautiful people in the 613 00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:01,560 world. I have a really great 614 00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:04,680 relationship with my children and I would never put them 615 00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:06,400 through what my mom put me through. 616 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:10,360 What advice do you have for a parent who may be keeping a DNA 617 00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:14,400 surprise from their child? Don't do it, parents. 618 00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:19,360 There's two groups. One is the most modern parent 619 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:21,520 who knows that the tests are out there. 620 00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:25,920 So I think that is just going to be a non issue. 621 00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:30,480 But for anybody listening that might have still not told their 622 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:33,800 child, just have a conversation with them. 623 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:38,200 The most hurtful thing really was when it's it's not that they 624 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:40,840 didn't tell me my whole life she they claimed there was never a 625 00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:44,640 good spot to tell me. But the moment I said I am 626 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:48,200 taking this test, it will come out. 627 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,840 It's just a matter of weeks. And they said nothing. 628 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:56,280 That is so painful to know that these that parents could do 629 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:57,200 that. So don't do it. 630 00:38:57,280 --> 00:39:00,280 Just don't do it. And what advice do you have for 631 00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:03,240 someone who just uncovered a DNA surprise? 632 00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:06,920 Take your time, sit with it for a minute. 633 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:11,160 I'm a person that likes to just tackle everything right away. 634 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:13,760 And you know, if I have new information, I just want to 635 00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:17,000 share it and act on it. But sit with it for a minute. 636 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,320 It's such a shock. There's so many emotions that 637 00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:24,880 are go through you one day after the event, a week after the 638 00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:28,800 event, a month after the event. And even now I'm eight months 639 00:39:29,240 --> 00:39:33,920 past actually finding out and there's still so many emotions 640 00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:37,400 that will come up randomly that are normal. 641 00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:42,680 And this community has really just been such a backbone and 642 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:47,000 helping me figure out, are these feelings normal? 643 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:50,160 Are these feelings valid? Trust your intuition. 644 00:39:50,520 --> 00:39:54,880 Take some time, sit with it and really think about what this 645 00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:58,040 means to you and how you want to proceed. 646 00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:01,000 Louisa, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and 647 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:03,040 sharing your story. I am. 648 00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:06,880 So impressed with the compassion that you have for everyone 649 00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:11,920 involved while still looking at it through a very realistic lens 650 00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,880 and the way that you've cared for yourself throughout this. 651 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:18,720 I hope that you make it over to Italy, whether that's to connect 652 00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:23,240 with your father, your new dad, or just to explore and have some 653 00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:26,120 of the yummy food. Yeah, please keep me posted on 654 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:27,920 how things are going. I wish you the best. 655 00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:31,520 It's always a developing story, so we'll see what happens in the 656 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:34,400 next year. And it's just, I'm just happy I 657 00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:38,560 now know when I can find it all out and explore. 658 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:42,600 So I love exploring. Thanks again to Louisa for 659 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:45,640 sharing her story. If you have Adna Surprise that 660 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,240 you'd like to share, please submit your story at 661 00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:53,080 dnasurprises.com and for early add free access to episodes, 662 00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:57,200 join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA 663 00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:00,640 Surprises. Until next time, this episode of 664 00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:05,240 DNA Surprises was hosted, produced, and edited by me, 665 00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:09,040 Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by 666 00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:12,240 Josh Ourselt, Siren Recording Studios.