1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:05,240 It's taken me a long time to really disconnect what I feel is 2 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:10,600 an unhealthy bond and start to see my mother in a different 3 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:14,800 light. And not necessarily a -1 but one 4 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:19,840 where I had to come to terms with what my mother sees as real 5 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:23,280 in fact, is in fact not real in fact. 6 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:26,520 And it's a hard thing to come to terms with that. 7 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:31,880 The reality that you've been told and someone genuinely 8 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:35,640 believes in is not real. And so I called her right away 9 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,600 and I told her, yeah, they're all stoked. 10 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,000 They've been waiting for me. This is not what I expected. 11 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:45,720 She was shocked, but it I had already started to put up the 12 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:49,720 guards. I I feel bad at how quickly I 13 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,400 didn't believe anything she said anymore but her shock to me 14 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,640 sounded fake. It may not have been but I don't 15 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,320 know. To me my trauma response was to 16 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,520 protect my own brain. At this point she's like how 17 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,800 could they have known? What do you mean how could they 18 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,400 have known? And retrospectively, this is the 19 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:10,120 moment I knew. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a 20 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:13,520 podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA 21 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,160 discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis, our salt. 22 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:23,200 In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out 23 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:28,000 that I'm an N P/E, a person who has experienced a non paternal 24 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,320 event. In other words, my biological 25 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,600 father isn't who I thought he was. 26 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:39,360 Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and 27 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,880 donor conceived people and their families. 28 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,840 Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin 29 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:51,160 with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises. 30 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:56,160 As we've heard earlier this season, many people within the 31 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,520 DNA surprise community saw their test results as mere 32 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,560 confirmation of something they'd long suspected. 33 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,960 But as heard in this week's episode, not everyone was able 34 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,520 to put their finger on just why they felt different. 35 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,200 Shaya never felt like she fit in with her family. 36 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:19,000 She found solace in music and the friendship she formed in the 37 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,840 metal scene during her rebellious teen years. 38 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:27,040 Then one day, during a heated exchange with her parents, her 39 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,040 mother revealed that the man she believed was her biological 40 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:34,200 father was not. She pursued a relationship with 41 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:38,920 the man her mom identified, only to then learn even more shocking 42 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:43,760 information about her paternity. Thank you for sharing your 43 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:50,400 story, Shaya. My name is Shaya, I am 42 and I 44 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:54,440 live in a small town between Vancouver and Whistler in 45 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,720 British Columbia, Canada. I'll just start like at the 46 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,800 beginning and just some background of my childhood and 47 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:07,240 my teen years. As a kid, I have siblings and I 48 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:12,520 was raised with my mom and dad and we lived in the same town 49 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,520 I'm in now. We live just down the street 50 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:18,680 from my grandparents, so they were a huge part of my life. 51 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,960 I was primarily raised by my dad's family. 52 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,920 We had no contact with my mother's family. 53 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:30,240 Actually, it's funny to retell it because to me this was like 54 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,480 normal. This is no big deal. 55 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:36,040 This is like not the big part of my experience, but a lot of 56 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,880 people are quite taken aback by it. 57 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,920 But we had no contact with my mother's family and that was my 58 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,960 parents choice. However, my mother's family did 59 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:49,920 routinely want contact with us and so they took unorthodox 60 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,520 approaches to that. My school was told that we could 61 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,280 be kidnapped off the school grounds. 62 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,920 There was an ad put out in the newspaper by my mother's family 63 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,680 looking for us. I believe my my maternal 64 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:07,960 grandmother took my parents to court to try to gain access. 65 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,080 And when I was in high school, letters were sent to the school 66 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:17,240 from the family looking for me. And so like, I would see my dad 67 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,680 walk into the high school and I was worried he would catch me 68 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:21,399 skipping class. And I'm like, oh, what are you 69 00:04:21,399 --> 00:04:24,320 doing here? He's like just getting these 70 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:27,480 letters that were sent here. So I don't know. 71 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,440 I don't know what happened in the court proceedings. 72 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,920 I don't know what happened with those letters. 73 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:36,920 I just know that we had no contact with them and that was 74 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:41,000 just life. I had a fairly happy childhood. 75 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:45,240 We went on family Rd. trips and I was a weird kid. 76 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,920 Like I like to go out in the forest and make my own Ford. 77 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:52,760 I was much happier alone than with like my siblings. 78 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:57,240 I would turn the family car into a Fort all the time and I just 79 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:01,120 always felt a little bit off. But I think what's important to 80 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:07,080 know from this is I didn't know as a child that biologically I 81 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:11,520 was not my dad's daughter. I didn't know that the family, 82 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:14,880 the paternal family, which was the only family I knew, I didn't 83 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,160 know that they weren't my family. 84 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:23,760 But in retrospect, I exhibited a lot of the psychological habits 85 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,600 of someone who knew they were adopted. 86 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:31,560 I would Daydream a lot about a different family, and I would 87 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,520 Daydream a lot about like someone coming to take me and 88 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,040 save me. And there wasn't necessarily 89 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,840 something to be saved from. I just felt very out of place. 90 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:46,720 Did you feel like your dad treated you any different from 91 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,280 your siblings or anything like that? 92 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,240 It's a very subtle shift, so I don't want to say I felt like I 93 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,600 was treated different. I definitely, I felt different. 94 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,680 I felt like I didn't think the same way as them, like even as a 95 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:05,360 kid and my brother and sister are twins so I just took like oh 96 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,560 I'm different because I am not the twins. 97 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,160 You were able to kind of explain it away, yeah. 98 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:15,000 So you were just very different from from everyone else. 99 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,560 Yeah, I always had, like, these weird, like, fixations on, like 100 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,160 when I was a little kid, I loved Tom Cochran so much. 101 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,640 And then when I was a teenager, it was like the music was 102 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,720 Marilyn Manson and the comfort movie was Wayne's World. 103 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,520 And so I would watch SNL and Mike Myers would be on there and 104 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,080 I'd be like, oh, I just love him so much. 105 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,640 He's so funny. And my mom, like, obviously 106 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:39,520 looking back, it's in horrible taste because she knew what I 107 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:43,360 didn't. But my mom made the joke of, oh, 108 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:47,640 you love him so much because Mike Myers is your real dad now. 109 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:54,000 He's not just so clear. I hit my teen years and any 110 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,520 frustrations I had as a child exploded when I became a 111 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,240 teenager and I didn't know why. I still thought there was 112 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:03,840 something wrong with me. I was angry. 113 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:07,360 Like I didn't even know why. What are you angry about? 114 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,560 Why do you have the attitude? I didn't even know. 115 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,480 I was just so angry and frustrated all the time. 116 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:17,360 I tried to run away and I would steal cigarettes from my parents 117 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,600 and just rebelled, rebelled, rebelled. 118 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:26,600 I found kind of solace in like dark heavy music and the heavy 119 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:30,080 metal community. And like this band of misfits I 120 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:35,240 created as my friend group, my bonds with my friends grew 121 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:40,840 stronger, stronger, stronger and I spent less time with my 122 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,840 family, which frustrated my family. 123 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:46,160 I heard blood is thicker than water far too many times in my 124 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,320 life. I didn't understand why I was so 125 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,600 angry. I thought there was like I had 126 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:54,320 an issue. I asked to go to counseling, but 127 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,400 this is in the 90s. You just want your outcast 128 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,440 daughter to fit in the mold, right? 129 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,520 So I asked to go to counseling and they asked me why and I 130 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,360 couldn't tell them why because I didn't know. 131 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,560 And so they said, well, if you can't tell us why you want 132 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,080 counseling, then we're not doing it. 133 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,960 So I never did that. I just felt very lost. 134 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:14,200 But then I found very fond with my friends. 135 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:19,000 I met my husband when I was 15 and I just bonded much easier 136 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,840 with outsiders and I did with my family. 137 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,200 And so that just like, fed the what's wrong with me? 138 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,240 When I was 18, this was the year I graduated high school, but I 139 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,040 hadn't quite graduated yet. My family and I had a big 140 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:34,200 blowout about some poor choices that I had made at the end of 141 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,960 this blowout. Like, it's funny, the moments 142 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:40,120 that like, stay in your mind. I'll forever remember where my 143 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,120 mother was sitting, where my dad was sitting with the lighting of 144 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:48,520 the room, like everything. And my mom stood across to me 145 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:53,120 and said, well, we can't expect you to be honest with us because 146 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:57,240 I had been lying about what I had been doing and the choices 147 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,680 I've been making, you know, just teenagers lying to their parents 148 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:03,160 and being rebellious. She said, I can't expect you to 149 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,200 be honest with us if we're not honest with you. 150 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,840 And I literally had no idea what was coming next. 151 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,000 And that was when she told me that my dad wasn't my 152 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:15,000 biological. Father wow, so it was already 153 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,000 kind of like in a heightened emotional. 154 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,000 This was the argument to end arguments. 155 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,840 I feel that they felt that they were really losing me as a 156 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:30,080 child. And so I, I, I don't know what 157 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,280 they were thinking with this being the right time to do it. 158 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:38,520 But it was in the most vulnerable and scared like 159 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:42,840 heightened emotional moment that the bombshell was kind of 160 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:46,080 dropped. And I literally had no idea. 161 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,920 My mom looked at me and said you, you really had no idea. 162 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:54,840 And I said I absolutely not. And then immediately everything 163 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,880 started like laying at lightning speed through my brain. 164 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,400 Like my dad's family is the only family I know. 165 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,000 I asked her who my father was and she told me a name that I 166 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,720 had never heard. His name was Dave. 167 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,680 I never heard it. My mom asked me how I was doing 168 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,160 and then my dad answered and he said she's fine. 169 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:15,680 So kind of there I picked up that we're not talking about it, 170 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,040 we're fine. And then you just kind of bury 171 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,040 that down, right? So you kind of just pushed it 172 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,800 down. Was there any part of you that 173 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:26,200 was like, I want to find this person? 174 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,360 All of me. Every part of me immediately 175 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,240 wanted had 1,000,000 questions, wanted to know all of it. 176 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:37,160 I asked my mom privately, do you have a picture? 177 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,440 Do you have anything? She had a couple keepsakes from 178 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,560 his parents. She said that he didn't want to 179 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,920 be a parent. They did go to court. 180 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:54,000 He had had to pay some sort of small child support for 12 181 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,800 months and then he signed off his parental rates. 182 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,080 This is all what I'm told, right? 183 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:03,000 So I don't know any of this. My mom cried a lot when she 184 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,800 talked about it. My dad clearly was like, let's 185 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,760 move on. I love you like you're my own. 186 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:11,640 This changes nothing. And so I went through a lot of 187 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,040 other things that year and then like as soon as I graduated, I 188 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,600 moved out, continued burying everything. 189 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:24,080 Also, the fire to that flame is I now had freedom too. 190 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,760 So it was a lot of drinking, a lot of experimenting with drugs, 191 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:32,200 a lot of partying. And then I snapped out of it for 192 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:38,080 a little bit. And then I was 19 and pregnant 193 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,280 and I moved back home. My parents were split up now. 194 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:45,040 I moved in with my dad because my mom didn't have the space for 195 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,120 us. I stayed there until after I had 196 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:51,280 my son, and then we moved out on our own and started building our 197 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,840 lives. And it was after I had my son 198 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:57,920 that I started to have questions because they would ask about 199 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,760 family history. And I didn't have any history on 200 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,840 my mom. And it was a sensitive subject. 201 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,600 She didn't talk about her family. 202 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,400 And I just kind of tried to respect that by not asking any 203 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,560 questions. And then they'd ask about my 204 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,760 father's family, and I didn't know. 205 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:19,680 And so I reached out to my mother and said, I think I want 206 00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:22,200 to contact them. She was ready. 207 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,840 She she was supportive, she encouraged. 208 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,200 She had the contact information ready to go. 209 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:34,920 Were you surprised by that? I was just so happy that it 210 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,040 wouldn't hurt her feelings. It wasn't what I expected. 211 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,280 She was very supportive. She's like, you know what? 212 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,200 I have his parents mailing address. 213 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,400 I have their phone number for you. 214 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,680 I was like, oh great. So we kind of like walked that 215 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:48,560 together. I shared, I showed her the 216 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:54,600 letter I was going to write and I sent it to his mother and I 217 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,400 didn't receive anything back. And then I said, you know what? 218 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,040 Maybe the lawyer didn't go to the right place. 219 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:03,000 I tried phoning his mother. She abruptly hung up on me. 220 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,800 And then my mother said, how do you feel about me writing a 221 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,720 letter to them asking them to please contact you? 222 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,640 I said I was shocked. I was like, absolutely, I would 223 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,880 love the support. She showed me the letter before 224 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,120 she sent it. She sent it off. 225 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,480 And then I did receive a letter back from his mother and we did 226 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,640 have a phone call. And essentially in that letter 227 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:31,400 and phone call, she made it clear that David didn't think 228 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:35,440 that I was his, that she was quite estranged from her son. 229 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,240 And she was. She apologized for how she had 230 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:42,640 hung up on me and answered all of my questions, which were all 231 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:46,760 medical, which were all history, and which are quite faded from 232 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,760 my mind now given everything that's happened in between. 233 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,840 But I made the phone call from my mother's house. 234 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,200 I made it on speakerphone. She hung on every word of that 235 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,400 phone call. It was so great to see me 236 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:02,880 connecting with his family. She wished he would want to be a 237 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:06,880 part of my life. She spoke of him in high regard. 238 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,360 His mother and I exchanged a few letters. 239 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:13,360 It just kind of fizzled out. I spent the rest of my life 240 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:17,200 until say two years ago, like if I was in a crowd I still didn't 241 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,080 know what this man looked like other than I was told he had 242 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,960 blonde haired blue eyes and was 6 feet tall. 243 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,880 And I would scan crowds just like do any of these people look 244 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:30,240 like me? When I worked with customers and 245 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,760 they had to pay with credit card, I read that name on that 246 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,640 credit card because I at least knew his name. 247 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:39,200 I wanted to know is there any chance someone here is related 248 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,800 to me? And I don't know it's just a 249 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:44,160 constant scan. And then when Facebook came 250 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:49,440 along, I think the first name I put into Facebook was his name 251 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,520 and he did not come up. He was very elusive, very 252 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,920 private, very estranged, very kept to himself. 253 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,480 I did find someone that was his niece. 254 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,160 I sent a very point blank message to her explaining my 255 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:08,360 situation. And she was either like, too 256 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:13,920 estranged from him to care about causing any drama or was very 257 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,440 heartfelt, like, family is family, it doesn't matter what 258 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,640 he says. And so her and I communicated a 259 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:24,400 little bit. She saw him at Christmas and 260 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:28,640 took a couple pictures of him and sent them to me and told him 261 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,720 that I was out there asking about him. 262 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,280 And he maintained he's like, well, that is not my daughter. 263 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,160 So I just kind of like looked at the pictures and like, yeah, 264 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:41,200 that's a dude. I didn't, I didn't resonate with 265 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,240 it at all. I'm like, I don't know, I guess 266 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,560 this is who I'm related to. I sent the picture to my mom. 267 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:51,560 She was thrilled to see them. At this point, were you all in 268 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:56,240 like you had accepted this as my father, or was there any part of 269 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,880 you that was like, maybe he's not? 270 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:03,320 Retrospectively, obviously I'm like, yeah, obviously I knew 271 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,400 because I was like, Oh well, guess this sucks, move on. 272 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:10,720 But it clearly bugged me because throughout the years it came in 273 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,520 waves, right? Where I'm like, I don't care, 274 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,360 I've got this great life, why do I care? 275 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:19,520 And then something would get stirred up and I would be hell 276 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,600 bent. So it came in waves of like, I 277 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,880 want to contact, I don't want to contact, blah blah, blah, blah, 278 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:32,760 blah. Until in 2017, my mother texted 279 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:38,320 me and she said, were you going to tell me that he died? 280 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,600 And I, I didn't even know who she was talking about. 281 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,680 I'm like, who died just like David? 282 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,560 I said, I haven't heard anything. 283 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,000 I haven't heard anything from the niece. 284 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,760 I haven't heard anything I didn't know. 285 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:53,600 So then I messaged the niece. I was like, where are you going 286 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,680 to update me? And she's like, what are you 287 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,400 talking about? Like the family didn't even know 288 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,520 he had passed away. That's how removed from his 289 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,960 family he was. So then the niece went forward 290 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:07,440 and was like 1, Dave died and then everyone's like how did you 291 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,240 find out? And she's having to tell the 292 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,839 family she's like 2 from someone that claims to be his daughter. 293 00:17:12,839 --> 00:17:15,319 And the extended family had no idea. 294 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,319 Like I, my name was never uttered once. 295 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,640 Wow. How did you feel kind of 296 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,800 processing that? I mean, obviously you didn't 297 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,480 have a close relationship or anything, but you believe that 298 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,840 that was your father. I'm like, I'm really sorry I'm 299 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,720 the one to have to tell you guys this and that this is how you're 300 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,240 finding out about me. But here I am. 301 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:39,560 And I'm speculating. But to have a family go from 302 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,120 like they don't know I exist and they don't even have contact 303 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,760 with him to Oh my gosh, this is his daughter. 304 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,800 And then they came on really strong. 305 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,800 They had a lot of questions. They wanted to know where I 306 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,560 lived. They wanted to see pictures. 307 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,000 They wanted to know where my children went to school and 308 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:58,120 their names and everything. And I pumped the brakes. 309 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:02,320 My husband even commented, he's like, it was so sad. 310 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,640 And how quickly you shut it all down considering it was 311 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,120 something you chased your whole life. 312 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,960 But I essentially within a couple days messaged them and 313 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,720 said, listen, I'm really sorry that you're having to process 314 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,800 this. But I actually, I would prefer 315 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,520 to go back to no contact right now. 316 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,160 I'm very happy with my life. The person I wanted to talk to 317 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,600 is deceased and so I'm going to have to heal on my own. 318 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:28,360 My mom asked me not to do it and I essentially told her I had 319 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:31,160 already done it. I made a decision and left her 320 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:32,440 out of it. You know what I mean? 321 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:37,040 And so I think it may have been hurtful to her for me to make it 322 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,960 such a drastic decision and then not consult her on it. 323 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,640 My mother and I had like a tumultuous on and off again 324 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:50,040 relationship throughout the years where we'd have times 325 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,880 where we were best friends and then times where we weren't 326 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:58,280 speaking. And so between 2017 and see, 327 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:01,240 this is the part that'll start to get really emotional for me. 328 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:08,400 Between 2017 and 2022 when I decided to do Ancestry, we were 329 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,080 on a downswing. So our relationship was kind of 330 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,040 on the rocks. When I decided to do Ancestry, 331 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:17,400 like I said, I was really at peace with everything. 332 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:24,720 And then I was working on, sorry, one second, take your 333 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:30,960 time. I was working on a quilt of all 334 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:36,480 things because this is the moment, like, I made a decision 335 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,000 that actually changed many lives, right. 336 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:44,320 So, like, reflecting on it, I'm like, man, I had no idea what I 337 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:48,120 was about to do. Yeah, But I was working on this 338 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:52,600 quilt that I had been collecting pieces for years for. 339 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,640 It was these antique handkerchiefs that I've been 340 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,760 collecting, some dating back over 100 years old. 341 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,040 I had thrifted all of them. I was mounting them on. 342 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:06,080 Also thrifted antique quilt squares that were already made 343 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,480 but not put into a quilt. So as I'm working with all these 344 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:17,000 really, really antique pieces that at some point someone spent 345 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:22,040 so much time making and stitching and then gifting to 346 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,520 family members. And just as a creator, like you 347 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,640 put a part of yourself and everything you make. 348 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,200 And so as I'm working with all these different pieces from all 349 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,080 over the place, I, I'm just thinking, I wonder what their 350 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,160 creators would think about them now. 351 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:41,440 I wonder what their families would think about me doing this 352 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,600 with them. Just trying to do justice to the 353 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,680 original creators and respectfully. 354 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:50,120 And as I do that, the thought just kicks up in my head. 355 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,120 Am I related to any of these people that have made these 356 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,880 pieces? Now I'm touching them and 357 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,360 working with them and I have no idea. 358 00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,400 And those ancestors have no idea. 359 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:04,320 It just really kicked out something in me as I was 360 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,400 completing the quilt, like putting the binding on. 361 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,720 And I always joke and like when you put the binding on a quilt, 362 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:14,320 that's when you say like either a prayer or a curse or a wish or 363 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:15,720 something. When you're doing the binding, 364 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,440 that's the best time. And as I was binding the quilt, 365 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,360 it just came to me. I'm like, obviously I'm not done 366 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:24,680 here. I'm not OK with it. 367 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:29,000 And I need some sort of answer. So how do I find those to 368 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:33,800 satiate this call in me? I'm, I messaged my husband 1st 369 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:39,360 and I said, hey, I need to find some peace with this. 370 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:45,080 How about I do ancestry and then that will give me ethnicity, 371 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:49,320 that will give me villages, that will give me a map of where my 372 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,480 blood hails from. And then together we can travel 373 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:57,440 to these places and I'll find some peace in this chaos. 374 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,280 Have a lot of tattoos. And I was like, I'm going to get 375 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,440 lost. Soul tattooed on my knuckles. 376 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:06,800 I'm just going to own it. I'm going to and this is what I 377 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,200 think will bring me peace. I think it's the only way I can 378 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,080 find it. 100% supportive. He loved the idea. 379 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,280 He stood behind me the entire way. 380 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:17,320 I'm not a very patient person. Like before I finished binding 381 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,240 the quilt I ordered the Ancestry kit. 382 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:23,000 The minute you order the kit it's like oh while you wait for 383 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,120 your kit just build the tree with the information you have. 384 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:32,680 It was shockingly easy to build the tree with just a couple 385 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:39,040 names and get a tree going back hundreds of years. 386 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:42,960 I just reveled in it. I was like, part of me was like, 387 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,920 I'm going to find my peace. And then another part of me was 388 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:50,200 like a big fuck you because you took your answers to the grave 389 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,160 and I'm going to dig them up. And I felt like I had a right to 390 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,560 know these answers despite what everyone else thought. 391 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,640 And then because my mother was so supportive with anything that 392 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:05,320 had to do with reaching out to Dave or getting information, I 393 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,680 sent her an e-mail hoping that maybe this would be the way to 394 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,840 like, spur our relationship into an upswing again. 395 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:16,560 And I said, I know you're sensitive about your family, but 396 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,320 I'm just looking for historical. I'm not looking for people that 397 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,400 are alive. I've said that I don't want 398 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,760 contact. I'm looking for ancient stuff. 399 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:30,440 I'm looking for peace in ancestors and knowledge and I 400 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,240 asked her if she would help me with a couple names from hers so 401 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,360 that I could build the tree and she was thrilled to help. 402 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:40,560 She answered any questions, she gave information I asked for if 403 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,640 I had a question about Dave's history. 404 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,440 She had some answers but it wasn't anything in depth with 405 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:46,640 Dave. I was just like trying to 406 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,960 remember about how old he was and stuff like that. 407 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:54,360 And we communicated by e-mail a few times about the ancestry 408 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:59,040 thing and then I just kind of went quiet about it all. 409 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:00,600 I stopped emailing with my mother. 410 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,040 We were dealing with someone in the family that was quite I'll 411 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,600 that we were having to focus on and we just waited. 412 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:12,480 This all started in May and then in June I got an e-mail from my 413 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:17,240 mom and it was just two lines. And to anyone else it would just 414 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,800 seem like a really sweet check it mom checking in. 415 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:25,760 But to me, the alarm bells rang and it just said I haven't heard 416 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,480 from you in a while. How are your roots growing 417 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:32,680 referring to ancestry? I was sitting on one side of the 418 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,720 couch and my husband was on the other and I just chuckled my 419 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,320 phone. I bet I'm about to find out that 420 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:42,520 Dave wasn't my father. He just knew. 421 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:47,440 Know what made me say it? But I was just like, that's 422 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,760 what's about to happen here from that two line e-mail. 423 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:54,320 And so the results hit on a Saturday. 424 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:59,520 Got up, poured a cup of coffee, opened the computer, took 6 425 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:04,200 minutes looking at this, closed my computer and said I knew it. 426 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:09,040 In 6 minutes I knew. And then it all spiralled. 427 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:17,400 Yeah, what happened? It went completely off the rails 428 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:22,200 from that moment. See I cry when I talk about what 429 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,120 the choice I made to start this and the events that brought me 430 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:27,800 there. But then the rest of it is so 431 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,760 out there that like all I can do now looking back on is just 432 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:39,240 laugh at how scared I was and naive and just unsure. 433 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:43,960 Someone phoned me shortly after and I completely lost my mind. 434 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,360 I completely lost my mind. They were like, hey, how's it 435 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,480 going? And I hadn't even spoken of my 436 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,120 husband yet. And I was like, oh, you know, 437 00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:56,080 just great. Just found out my mother's been 438 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:59,240 lying this whole time. I immediately was angry. 439 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:05,040 And that anger was ferocious. I emailed my mom immediately and 440 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:13,120 said essentially that I shared no genetic matches with anyone 441 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:17,320 in that tree for David and BE. It's because I had built the 442 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,960 tree and I saw all my DNA matches that not one of their 443 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,440 names fell on that tree that I knew. 444 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:27,040 And I did not hear back from my mother at first. 445 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:33,200 So I just kind of was left to my own accord to completely spiral 446 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,160 while my husband tried desperately to keep me together. 447 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:40,160 I was in close contact with a few of my friends and a friend 448 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:45,520 that I had had since I was very young, and they all kind of kept 449 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:49,960 me together with my husband. And while we waited, my mom got 450 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,840 back to me the next day, essentially saying she had no 451 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,360 answers for me. She had no idea. 452 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,520 She asked if there was a chance I was switched to the hospital 453 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:08,840 or that Dave had been adopted. So here is the child trying 454 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:14,480 desperately to not see her parent as someone capable of 455 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:18,440 this. And so I was like, maybe. 456 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:23,800 And here I am reaching out to Dave's family again five years 457 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:28,200 after his death and just be like, is there a chance he was 458 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:29,560 adopted? And they're like, absolutely 459 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:30,680 not. And I'm like, OK, thanks. 460 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,160 Bye. And I for sure wasn't switched 461 00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:34,400 in the hospital because I shared DNA with her family tree. 462 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:43,480 So she asked to see my results. I very selectively showed a few 463 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:48,280 of my DNA matches. I told her to not contact them. 464 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,520 As far as I know she is not and I didn't hear much. 465 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,120 She said she had gone over her memory. 466 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:56,080 She couldn't think of anyone else I could even possibly be my 467 00:27:56,080 --> 00:28:00,040 father. And so we waited. 468 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,640 There was no answers. I did fire off some messages to 469 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:07,000 some DNA matches but didn't hear anything back yet. 470 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:12,880 I decided by the Monday that I wasn't going to pursue it 471 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:15,520 anymore. I I messaged my mom that I had 472 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,160 to be done. I couldn't spend my life 473 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:21,240 continually doing this, that we don't have answers. 474 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,720 We'll never have answers. Dave took his answers to the 475 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:25,000 grave. I'm going to go back to my 476 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,640 original plan of it gives you an ancestral name, right? 477 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,400 I'm going to track that name down, find grave sites, go visit 478 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,880 them. Go go travel with my husband, 479 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:38,440 find my piece, make it my own. And she emailed me back that she 480 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,040 would like a phone call. I said, OK. 481 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:45,560 I expressed to my husband that I was very wary of taking a phone 482 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,720 call with her. And he said just just take it. 483 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:53,040 I got on the phone with her and she told me how she came to the 484 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:56,480 realization that Dave was not my father. 485 00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:01,880 It was through a dream she had had and then some quick Googling 486 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:08,360 of herself that night before. And she told me my father's name 487 00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:14,880 and his siblings names and then asked me what I was going to do 488 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:19,400 with that information. I said well I don't know my 489 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:22,120 exact words were I don't know if I have it in me to ruin all 490 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:25,880 these lives because I had asked her does he know about me and 491 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,640 she said no he was a one night thing. 492 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,600 She had never even thought of him again, never even seen him 493 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:35,360 again never even spoken to him again and so he probably 494 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,480 wouldn't even remember her. And so I asked for details of 495 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:42,600 their friendship and that and things so that when I, if I did 496 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:47,120 decide to reach out to the family, I had some sort of 497 00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:50,480 information that showed I wasn't like a wackadoodle. 498 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,200 I wasn't just like, I'm a random person. 499 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,520 I've names of friends and locations. 500 00:29:55,520 --> 00:30:00,400 And then she warned me. She said when you look them up 501 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:03,560 on social media, the resemblance is going to be shocking. 502 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:06,640 And she just wanted to prepare me for that. 503 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:10,600 And I, I didn't know what to even do with that information. 504 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:13,840 I grew up with no genetic mirroring other than her and my 505 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:15,360 siblings look very much like their father. 506 00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:21,360 So I hung up the phone. I gave names to my husband and a 507 00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:24,080 couple of my friends and told them help me find them all, 508 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:30,040 which they all did immediately. I then took a moment to look 509 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:33,080 them up on Facebook and I remember the first time I saw 510 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:36,480 his picture I was alone in the house but I still said there you 511 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:38,800 are, I found you. My brain didn't even know how to 512 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:42,880 compute at all. They we look so much alike it's 513 00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:45,480 uncanny. And how anyone could think that 514 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,280 I was anyone else's kid is beyond me. 515 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:53,160 He was impossible to find or contact on social media. 516 00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:56,160 He quite prides himself in being impossible to find on social 517 00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:02,480 media or to contact or anything. So I reached out to Linda who 518 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:06,440 was my strongest genetic match who is also his sister. 519 00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:08,640 She was quite distant from the family. 520 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:13,000 So when I reached out to her like bless her soul, I was a 521 00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,680 mess. Within the 1st 5 seconds of 522 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:17,280 hearing her voice, I was a wreck. 523 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:19,400 I don't even think I got my name out. 524 00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:23,840 I started crying and she's just the most patient person. 525 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:28,680 I I kind of choked out very quickly that I was sorry that I 526 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:32,160 was calling her, but that's she was my strongest DNA match. 527 00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:36,720 I said I didn't want to name names, but I was looking for her 528 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:39,560 brother. I was trying to be so private 529 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:42,360 because I was told this man had no idea existed. 530 00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:44,000 So here's this man walking around. 531 00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:48,160 I'm about to ruin his life. I'm 40 years old, right? 532 00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:51,080 He has no idea he has a kid and grandchildren. 533 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:56,560 And so Linda was just yeah, I see on ancestry were related. 534 00:31:57,120 --> 00:32:01,000 So I'm going to deduct because you're on a paternity search and 535 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:03,400 you're looking for my brother, that you are led to believe he's 536 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:06,560 your father. And I just answered yes or no 537 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:10,640 through sobbing tears. I know for a fact she's related 538 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,000 to me. I know for a fact she is on my 539 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:15,960 paternal side. This is my very first contact 540 00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:21,160 and I'm just a disaster. She explained that she was 541 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:24,000 distant from her siblings, but she told me it didn't matter 542 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:29,360 what anyone thought or if anyone wanted to, if anyone was ready 543 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:33,280 for my arrival, that no matter what anyone said, I was family. 544 00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:38,560 I told her I just felt lost and I'd been like I'd been lost for 545 00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:41,000 a long time. And she said, well, you're found 546 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:44,280 now, and so no matter what happens, you have me. 547 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:47,280 How did that? Feel I can't even like, put it 548 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:49,960 into words. It was the most shocking thing 549 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:53,760 that anyone had ever said to me. She said what she thought would 550 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:58,120 be the best plan of action would be to speak with her sister, 551 00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:04,240 who's also his sister obviously, and together take their 552 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:09,760 information to Greg. My father and I said sure, 553 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:12,880 whatever. I, I have no idea what the best 554 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,640 plan of action is here and I probably shouldn't be making any 555 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:19,000 like life decision. I took about a week for them to 556 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,880 make contact. I was not sleeping. 557 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:25,640 I was very on edge. It was a very tumultuous time 558 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:27,240 within me. It's hard to even remember. 559 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:31,320 I was just so drained. And I hadn't heard anything from 560 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:34,920 my Aunt Linda. So my brain immediately assumed 561 00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:37,520 that this family was like scared and pieced out. 562 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:42,640 And so my husband has like bought me a bunch of bath 563 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:44,800 products, candles in the bathroom. 564 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:48,200 He's like, you are going to just go have a bath and decompress 565 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:52,320 and just let go. And it's been a long week and 566 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:55,720 like, this is the only way I can help you right now because 567 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:57,480 you're crazy. He's running the bath. 568 00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:00,320 I'm like crying. I'm like stripping off my 569 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:04,320 clothes, but I'm also muttering. I'm like, I was fine without 570 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:07,400 them Anyway. I was it's, it's fine. 571 00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:10,080 I've been fine on my own. It's OK. 572 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:13,600 I I'll be fine. And then my phone lights up and 573 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:16,480 it says Linda and I just like immediately I would turn the 574 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:18,960 water off. I can't hear anything. 575 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:22,360 Oh my God, the poor man's been yelled at so much. 576 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:28,400 And Linda says to me, I just got off the phone with my sister. 577 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:30,199 She's like, are you alone right now? 578 00:34:30,199 --> 00:34:31,960 And I said, no, I have my husband. 579 00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:34,120 He's right here with me. She's like, are you sitting 580 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:38,440 down? And I was like, no, she's like, 581 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:40,280 maybe. So here I am. 582 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:43,159 It's kind of poetic that I am completely naked as the day I 583 00:34:43,159 --> 00:34:46,600 was born, essentially prepared for a rebirth. 584 00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:54,719 I sit down and she's like, so I called my sister Nadine, but 585 00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:56,560 didn't go the way I thought it would. 586 00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:03,960 And I said OK, because, well, when I called her and started 587 00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:09,200 telling her this story, she cut me off and said what's her name? 588 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:13,960 And when I told her your name, Nadine just said I have to go. 589 00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:18,160 I have to call Greg. But we know we know about her. 590 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,560 We've looked for her. We have been waiting for her to 591 00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:23,360 find us. But I have to go. 592 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:26,080 I have to call Greg. But just tell her that we know 593 00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:28,560 we love her already. We cannot wait to see her. 594 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,040 This is our whole life. We've been waiting for this. 595 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:37,200 I immediately start apologizing. I'm like Oh my God I am so 596 00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:39,440 sorry. This family thinks it's found 597 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,560 some long lost daughter but it's not me. 598 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:45,000 He must have a different daughter because no one knows I 599 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,000 exist. He doesn't know I exist. 600 00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:48,880 He probably doesn't remember my mother. 601 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:51,640 I'm supposed to have to plead my case here. 602 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:53,760 I said how did they know about me? 603 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:57,160 I was told and and I completely believe this to be true. 604 00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:02,000 She brought me to him and told him that I was his daughter, but 605 00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:05,720 that she had someone else that was going to be her father and 606 00:36:05,720 --> 00:36:12,120 adopt me and that she wanted him to stay away and that he was not 607 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:14,760 to be involved in my life. And then she left, which is 608 00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:18,760 quite different from the retelling that my mom gave me. 609 00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:21,200 What are you talking about? Like, I'm so sorry. 610 00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,200 I have given this family false hope. 611 00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,680 And Linda just, I think she didn't quite know how to walk me 612 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:29,960 through it because she's like, Nope, it's you. 613 00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:34,480 So I think your father's wrapping up some things, but 614 00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:38,360 he's going to be contacting you and he's been waiting to contact 615 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:41,800 you this whole time. And everyone's really excited. 616 00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:46,080 So just thought I'd tell you. Like, it was very casual and I 617 00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:48,840 was like, OK, OK. I'm still don't think this is 618 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,800 true. I just like OK. 619 00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:54,720 And then I got off the phone with her and she was like, we 620 00:36:54,720 --> 00:36:56,480 love you. We love you so much and Nadine 621 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:59,640 loves you so much. Can't wait to hear hear like see 622 00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:01,280 you. And I got off the phone and 623 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:04,000 looked at my husband. I could see equal parts just 624 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:07,720 complete fury and just like validation. 625 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:12,360 How are you reconciling this against what your mom has told 626 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:13,960 you? Because she's like, I don't 627 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,600 remember. And now you're hearing from this 628 00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:19,080 family. We've been waiting for you. 629 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:22,920 What's going through your mind? It was a lot. 630 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:28,120 It's taken me a long time to really disconnect what I feel is 631 00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:33,480 an unhealthy bond and start to see my mother in a different 632 00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:37,640 light. And not necessarily a -1 but one 633 00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:42,680 where I had to come to terms with what my mother sees as real 634 00:37:42,720 --> 00:37:46,120 in fact, is in fact not real in fact. 635 00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:51,280 And it's a hard thing to come to terms with that the reality that 636 00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:56,520 you've been told and someone genuinely believes in is not 637 00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:58,520 real. And so I called her right away 638 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:01,520 and I told her, yeah, they're all stoked. 639 00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:03,880 They've been waiting for me. This is not what I expected. 640 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:08,600 She was shocked, but it I had already started to put up the 641 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:12,600 guards. I I feel bad at how quickly I 642 00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:16,280 didn't believe anything she said anymore but her shock to me 643 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:18,520 sounded fake. It may not have been but I don't 644 00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:21,200 know. To me my trauma response was to 645 00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:24,400 protect my own brain. At this point she's like how 646 00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:26,680 could they have known? What do you mean how could they 647 00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:29,280 have known? And retrospectively this is the 648 00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:32,440 moment I knew. I have a deep seated weird 649 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:36,400 connection in my brain with my mom and I don't know how to fix 650 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:39,560 that. And I knowing the truth in that 651 00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:44,640 moment, right after I got the truth, I gave her a lifeline. 652 00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:49,400 I gave her a lie that she might be able to use to get out 653 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:53,800 because I so desperately wanted her to not be the bad guy here. 654 00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:56,240 And I said to her, I'm like, I don't know, maybe one of your 655 00:38:56,240 --> 00:38:58,720 friends told him. I've been told that just moments 656 00:38:58,720 --> 00:39:03,800 before that they knew I was their family member and his 657 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:08,680 daughter because my mother told him and I saw her struggle when 658 00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:11,480 I said they know about me. And so I said maybe one of your 659 00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:14,200 friends told him. And then my husband blew into 660 00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:16,200 the room and he was like, you're done on the phone. 661 00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,600 You have to get off the phone. I didn't understand. 662 00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:20,440 I was frustrated with him. Like I am in the middle of the 663 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:21,760 phone call and you are interrupting. 664 00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:26,720 He was just like, get off the phone, and he explained to me as 665 00:39:26,720 --> 00:39:30,040 gently as he could that there was something unnatural about 666 00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:34,320 the way I assisted her when I knew what the truth was and I 667 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:38,320 wanted to bring her out of it. You know what I mean? 668 00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:40,960 Like give her an out so that she wouldn't struggle. 669 00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:43,480 With it, yeah, you're caretaking her. 670 00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:47,440 You always want your mom to be someone who looks out for you 671 00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:49,480 and someone that cares for you and puts your needs above their 672 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:52,880 own and things like that, and to be in a good light. 673 00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:58,280 And I could see her struggle and I I knew it wasn't true that no, 674 00:39:58,280 --> 00:40:00,080 none of her friends told him about me. 675 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:02,560 It was just a moment of realization for me that 676 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:07,840 something is not right here with our connection. 677 00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,840 And I really needed to sort that out in my own brain. 678 00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:16,880 Then I received an e-mail from my dad like the next day, 679 00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:19,520 essentially reiterating the same thing. 680 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,920 He didn't know about me because my mom brought me to him. 681 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:30,160 He had a birth announcement and a picture of me that he still 682 00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:31,800 had to this day. He kept it. 683 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:35,880 He would love to in whatever way I was comfortable. 684 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,840 He would like to meet me, he would like to see me, He would 685 00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:39,360 like to talk to me. He would like to know about my 686 00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:43,160 life on my schedule, wherever I want to, whatever I'm 687 00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:45,800 comfortable with. Like, it was all very cordial. 688 00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:51,400 And I emailed back that I was, Yep, willing to talk, willing to 689 00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:53,240 meet. I looked forward to hearing his 690 00:40:53,240 --> 00:40:55,400 story. Let's start this whole process 691 00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:58,520 very slow. I knew this man's name for only 692 00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:00,800 a week. I don't know who this guy is, 693 00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,640 and I don't know what's going on right now. 694 00:41:03,720 --> 00:41:05,480 These stories are very different. 695 00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:09,480 And I feel very, very lost right now. 696 00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:14,720 And also that guilt, like if you ever call your parents out, it's 697 00:41:14,720 --> 00:41:16,280 like you feel that guilt right away. 698 00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:18,040 You're like, oh, I should not be doing this. 699 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:20,640 They're my parents. They're my elders. 700 00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:23,480 They're everything. But at the same time, I have a 701 00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:29,960 right to know the story of my existence and my creation and 702 00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:34,800 where I come from. That is my blood as my genetics. 703 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:38,280 It is my right to know how I came to be. 704 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:40,920 So it's a weird place to be in. And you go back and forth and 705 00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:43,880 it's a lot of highs and lows and a lot of I can't believe I did 706 00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:46,080 this on myself. And then the next day you're 707 00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:47,880 like, oh, I can't believe I did this. 708 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:51,320 The day we met, he brought the birth announcement and my 709 00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:55,080 picture that my mom gave him. It's undisputable. 710 00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:58,160 It is my mother's writing. It is for sure a picture of me 711 00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:01,640 on the birth announcement. A different person is listed as 712 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:04,960 my father that I'd never even heard before. 713 00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:11,320 And he was just so thrilled that I would meet with him, would 714 00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,440 speak with him. We shared our life stories. 715 00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:17,920 The day we met, it was a lot. I insisted on a paternity test 716 00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:20,680 still because there was always this part of me that's like, I 717 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:22,640 don't know, maybe I'm still wrong. 718 00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:27,040 And here I've thrown my mother under this bus and maybe I'm 719 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:29,120 still wrong. Maybe you're not my father. 720 00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:31,720 Maybe I'm ruining lives. We did the paternity test that 721 00:42:31,720 --> 00:42:35,520 obviously came back positive. He was confident the whole time. 722 00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:38,400 I'm like, if the paternity tests come back negative, I'm real 723 00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:42,680 sorry. And he's just said when they 724 00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,480 come back positive, I'm really going to enjoy telling you that 725 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:48,440 I was right. The paternity test was positive. 726 00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:52,520 He met his grandchildren, he met my husband. 727 00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:55,240 I met my Aunt Nadine, who is like my double ganger. 728 00:42:55,240 --> 00:43:00,280 We look like identical. I am very embraced, very loved 729 00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:02,000 by this family. So are my children, so are my 730 00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:04,720 husband. So I have a fierce group of 731 00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:09,640 friends that will protect me and my family and my peace at any 732 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:13,800 cost. It has really changed our lives 733 00:43:13,920 --> 00:43:17,400 and I think for the better. Like obviously some 734 00:43:17,400 --> 00:43:22,800 relationships have fizzled and been really strained, but I am 735 00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:26,280 surrounded by the strengths of the people around me and to know 736 00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:33,280 that in searching out who I am, where I come from, I did know 737 00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:38,240 wrong in that because that is something everyone has a right 738 00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:39,920 to know. What are things like with your 739 00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:42,680 mom now? It's been 2 1/2 years since 740 00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:47,200 Ancestry and so in that 2 1/2 years there have been sometimes 741 00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:49,360 of communication. There's been times of no 742 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:54,280 communication after that phone call where I had that 743 00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:59,840 realization that something happens within me when I hear my 744 00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:05,000 mom struggling with something in that I then will OfferUp and 745 00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:08,400 out. I have not had any unsupervised 746 00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:10,560 phone calls or emails or texts with her. 747 00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:17,120 We have had communication, but it is all supervised because I 748 00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:19,360 just don't trust myself completely yet. 749 00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:22,640 I'm still trying to find that confidence in being able to find 750 00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:27,400 grace with people and not be affected by their emotions or 751 00:44:27,400 --> 00:44:32,400 their experience of my ancestry journey. 752 00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:38,120 We have talked in depth where I gave her space to tell her story 753 00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:40,960 again. The story did shift quite a bit. 754 00:44:40,960 --> 00:44:43,760 Whereas my father's story, the first time he tells it to, the 755 00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:46,280 100th time he tells it, it's the exact same. 756 00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:50,360 He held me in his arms, he knows the spot, he held me in his 757 00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:53,400 arms. The words he uses to reiterate 758 00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,640 the conversation are the same every time. 759 00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:59,160 So with my mom right now that we aren't talking right now, it's 760 00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,440 just there's nothing constructive that can be said. 761 00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:05,760 I'm just trying to live so peacefully and happily. 762 00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:10,680 And so a lot of people have asked, so why now retell it 763 00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:13,520 again in a podcast and bring it all up again? 764 00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:18,480 And I think by putting it out into the world, it's just 765 00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:21,760 another part of me that like lets it go a little bit by 766 00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,520 putting it out into the world, it just kind of normalizes it. 767 00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:30,240 And if other people hear it and then think twice about when 768 00:45:30,240 --> 00:45:32,320 they're going to tell their children about their own 769 00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:36,480 genetics and it prevents like one person from having to have 770 00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:43,080 this reality torn multiple times in their life, then that's why I 771 00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:46,720 would want to put it out there. Not to hurt anyone, just sharing 772 00:45:46,720 --> 00:45:49,280 my story to hopefully learn from it. 773 00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:55,080 What advice do you have for a parent who may be keeping adna 774 00:45:55,080 --> 00:46:00,040 surprise from their child? Oh, those children know. 775 00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:04,800 They don't know in a way that they can articulate it, but they 776 00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:08,840 know. And it's either going to come 777 00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:14,560 from you in a time of honesty and love, or they will dig that 778 00:46:14,560 --> 00:46:17,640 up themselves. Another thing I've really 779 00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:22,600 learned is that if someone goes to all the trouble to dig that 780 00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:27,120 hole to bury some secrets, they're not burying just one. 781 00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:29,320 There's more. They toss a whole bunch in there 782 00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:34,200 and it's either going to be you bring that to light yourself in 783 00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:39,120 a timely manner so that that child spends less time wondering 784 00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:42,040 what's wrong with them, or that child will dig it all up 785 00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:45,280 themselves and you won't really have a say in what they dig up. 786 00:46:45,280 --> 00:46:49,160 What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered a DNA 787 00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:51,880 surprise? Give yourself some grace. 788 00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:55,200 Surround yourself by people who are going to give you grace to 789 00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:58,720 completely fall apart. And whoever helps you pick up 790 00:46:58,720 --> 00:47:01,920 those pieces and put you back together, those are your people. 791 00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:05,040 And healing is not linear. You're going to have highs. 792 00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,960 I still have highs and lows. Shaya, thank you so much for 793 00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:10,720 coming on the podcast and sharing your story. 794 00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:16,040 You have been through so much, but you have told your story so 795 00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:19,520 well, and I know that other people who have been through 796 00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:22,120 similar experiences will really benefit from this. 797 00:47:22,120 --> 00:47:25,920 I hope that your relationship with your father just continues 798 00:47:25,920 --> 00:47:30,480 to grow and that you find peace in the journey that you're on. 799 00:47:30,920 --> 00:47:34,120 That's the goal here. Thanks again to Shaya for 800 00:47:34,120 --> 00:47:37,200 sharing her story. If you have Adna Surprise that 801 00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:41,440 you'd like to share, submit your story at dnasurprises.com. 802 00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:45,960 And remember, you can join me over on Patreon for early access 803 00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:50,640 to ad free episodes. Until next time, this episode of 804 00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:55,240 DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me, 805 00:47:55,520 --> 00:47:59,000 Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by 806 00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:02,120 Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.