1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,280 It's been healing, I would say as well. 2 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:07,120 I'm very fortunate, I think, because a lot of stories that I 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:13,480 hear of people finding out about who the family is in this kind 4 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,239 of way can be really, really traumatic. 5 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:22,240 And I guess mine is, is not really that traumatic. 6 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,920 It's really healing. Like I'm sad of all the things 7 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,560 that I've missed. And every now and then I'll stop 8 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,160 and think about that, but mostly I just think about all the 9 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:34,440 things I've just gained. And yeah, I'm really fortunate. 10 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,440 And I wish other people in this situation could have a similar 11 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,800 experience because I know it doesn't go that way for most, 12 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:43,280 which is really unfortunate, but I am really lucky in that way. 13 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:48,440 Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the 14 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,120 world of unexpected DNA discoveries. 15 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:57,600 I'm your host, Alexis ourselves. In July 2021, my life took a 16 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:02,480 surprising turn when I found out that I'm an N P/E, a person who 17 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:05,319 has experienced a non paternal event. 18 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:09,880 In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he 19 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:12,880 was. Join me as we explore the 20 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:17,960 stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and donor conceived people and their 21 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,760 families. Get ready to unravel the 22 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,920 astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test. 23 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:30,480 This is DNA surprises. DNA surprises are often 24 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,760 devastating to the people who uncover them. 25 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,840 But imagine if the truth was a relief. 26 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,720 Danielle grew up believing that her mother had four children by 27 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:43,840 4 different men, making all of her siblings half siblings. 28 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:48,440 After taking ADNA test, Danielle learned that she actually shared 29 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,360 a father with her younger sister. 30 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,080 This news was more than welcomed by Danielle, who had fond 31 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,720 memories of who she thought was her stepfather. 32 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,200 She shares how this information affected her and how she's 33 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,160 building a relationship with her biological father through a 34 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:08,000 different lens. While Danielle has wondered what 35 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,680 her life would have been like if she'd always known the truth, 36 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:15,480 her overall attitude about her DNA surprise is 1 of positivity 37 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:19,240 and Silver Linings. Thank you for sharing your 38 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:23,600 story, Danielle. Before we begin this episode, I 39 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,280 want to note for listeners that there is some discussion of 40 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,720 childhood sexual abuse that Danielle's raised father 41 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:33,320 perpetrated against her. Please take that into account 42 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:40,280 before listening. Hi, I'm Danielle, I am 35 years 43 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:44,320 old and I come from a little beach town in the South of Perth 44 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:48,240 in WA. I guess I'll start from the 45 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,880 early dates before I decided to take a DNA test. 46 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:58,560 My mom had four children, four of us 2, four different fathers 47 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,120 also. We thought I suppose I was the 48 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:03,040 first born. So she was quite young when she 49 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,400 had me. She just freshly turned 18. 50 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:12,040 She was dating a man called and to my knowledge that was my 51 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,360 father. He was told that fact. 52 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,520 I didn't actually meet him for a couple of years, though. 53 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:23,200 My mom went off and had me in another town and we didn't 54 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:26,360 actually meet until a couple of years later as well. 55 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,800 In that period she had another child. 56 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:33,120 She'd come back to Kalgoorlie, she had reconnected with an old 57 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:37,160 flame who apparently she had had an affair with while she was 58 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:42,440 with and they had another child and they got married and they 59 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:47,840 were happily married for a while before my mom decided to leave 60 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:51,400 him and I guess met another man and had another child. 61 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,480 So a little bit of a confusing story there, but there's four of 62 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:58,160 us. And this was all your knowledge, 63 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:01,120 so you knew that you all had different fathers. 64 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,400 And that's part of your story, your origins. 65 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,720 Yeah, so all of us were half siblings to our knowledge. 66 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:12,960 My mom then moved over to the Eastern States and I stayed in 67 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:18,360 WA with my we'll call him and his wife at the time. 68 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:19,720 Was he on your birth certificate? 69 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,120 He was, but not until a few years after. 70 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,480 So he didn't actually end up on there OK until I was about four. 71 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,480 So you stayed with and his wife while your mother? 72 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,600 Moved, that's right. So maybe around four or five 73 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,200 years old. I did struggle with that a 74 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,360 little bit. It was my decision. 75 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,680 She did ask do you want to come and I said no. 76 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:42,040 Also I was, you know, very young, so I did feel quite a 77 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:46,160 sense of abandonment from that. Anyway, I used to visit yearly, 78 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,480 so I'd go over at Christmas time and I'd see my family over in 79 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:54,040 Victoria along with my siblings. Funnily enough, we all knew each 80 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,960 other's fathers except the one that I knew was my father. 81 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,840 But I knew the other fathers and I had quite a good relationship 82 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,920 with all three of them. So that was nice growing up, at 83 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:07,240 least I had a little bit of a connection to these people. 84 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,240 That's the early story. So I had no knowledge that there 85 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,960 was anything different. To be quite honest, I thought I 86 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:17,480 looked like a lot of my family members on my paternal side. 87 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:23,440 So I never questioned anything. But I actually wasn't aware that 88 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,440 other people had questioned it. And other people in the 89 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:29,040 background wondered why I looked so much like one of my other 90 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,000 siblings fathers. And no. 91 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:35,640 And he even thought so. Brad is the man who I've 92 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,360 discovered is my biological father. 93 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,800 He thought I was his child, and he questioned it as well. 94 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:45,160 But nobody told me. So I never knew until earlier 95 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,240 this year. I must have been around May. 96 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,760 So Ancestry, we're having a Mother's Day sale for DNA tests. 97 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,640 I'm very impulsive. So I was like, sure, let's go 98 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,800 for it. My partner was very skeptical. 99 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:02,920 I think he'd seen some, I don't know, show some American satire 100 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,200 show, I suppose that was talking about what they do with your 101 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:09,520 DNA, what they could use it for. And I'm like, I don't really 102 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:11,720 care, to be honest. I don't think it's, they're not 103 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:15,160 going to pin me for something that I didn't do, surely I 104 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:19,640 didn't really care so much. He did make a random comment. 105 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,760 Imagine if you found out your dad wasn't your dad. 106 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:25,360 We just laughed it off and I kind of said that'd be the 107 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:29,560 greatest thing ever because it was actually a perpetrator of 108 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,920 childhood sexual abuse towards me. 109 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:37,120 So I had no relationship with this man from 12 onwards and I 110 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,920 was. Obviously, I'm so sorry, yeah. 111 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,680 Thanks. It's, it's been a journey, but I 112 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,680 kind of hoped for the day that might happen thinking it would 113 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:49,840 never would. So I sat on the test for about a 114 00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:53,120 month and I finally took it and it took so long to come back. 115 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,240 I forgot that I'd even done it to be honest. 116 00:06:56,040 --> 00:07:00,480 And I had this really random thought one morning and I was 117 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,680 like, I didn't see if my DNA has come back in. 118 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,960 It's probably like 8 or so weeks later, maybe more. 119 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:11,720 So I opened up my emails, went through my Ancestry account and 120 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,400 the first thing and the only thing I was really interested in 121 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,240 was MyHeritage, where I was from. 122 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,440 That was all I was looking for. I was just thought this could be 123 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,240 interesting. I don't really know what I was 124 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,720 looking for. I certainly wasn't looking for 125 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,680 DNA matches. Kind of didn't think that was a 126 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:27,960 thing in there that would come up. 127 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,440 It didn't cross my mind at the time. 128 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:34,680 First thing I saw then was that I had a strong Scottish and 129 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:38,440 Irish connection and Irish was very expected. 130 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:42,880 My grandfather on my maternal side is Irish and Scottish 131 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,440 though was not. My paternal side was all English 132 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:48,760 to my knowledge. So they've gone back a couple of 133 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,000 generations, Australian and then English. 134 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,560 I panicked a little bit and I contacted my Nana and I said 135 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,800 this is weird, Is anyone in the family Scottish? 136 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:03,440 And she's like, no, not to my knowledge, except for my great, 137 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,800 great grandmother. And I think I had a little 138 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,520 suspicion almost immediately that there was something not 139 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,840 right. And then I saw the DNA matches. 140 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:17,120 There was 22 male males that came up immediately that was 141 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:22,360 saying that they were likely an uncle, a paternal uncle. 142 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,280 I recognized the surnames of both of these men. 143 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:32,840 I didn't know for sure if they were siblings of the person I 144 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:36,400 thought, but I think all the pieces fit into place. 145 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,000 But I went into a bit of panic from there. 146 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:43,159 So sorry. My sister who shares the same 147 00:08:43,159 --> 00:08:47,640 biological father as me that we now know she lives in Perth as 148 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,360 well. So I contacted her. 149 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:54,560 I said to her, does your dad have a brother named Tim and 150 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:58,640 Steve? And she said yes, why? 151 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:03,040 And I was like, I'm pretty sure that your dad is my dad. 152 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,480 And the very ironic part about this is that Brad, who is our 153 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:12,480 biological father, was visiting Perth at the time and staying 154 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,920 with my sister. So he's normally from NSW and he 155 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:21,200 was here in WA at Katie's house. My sister, immediately he knew 156 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,720 and he confirmed all the details. 157 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:28,560 He gave me some of the back story and we arranged to meet. 158 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:33,880 We organized a private DNA test that my sister and Brad, all 159 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,960 three of us did just to confirm that, you know, this was 160 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,800 actually my father. And of course, it came back 161 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:44,120 99.99, whatever percent that this would be your paternal 162 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,960 match. So yeah, that was that was 163 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,080 massive. I think I spent a whole week 164 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:53,320 walking around in shock just blurting out to anyone who came 165 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,760 past and asked me how it was that this that I just found out 166 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:59,160 my dad wasn't my dad. It was an interesting time to 167 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,160 say the least. You mentioned at the beginning 168 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:06,760 that you later found out that Brad had suspected and other 169 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:10,960 people had suspected this, but at the time you found out, you 170 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,560 didn't know. Was it a complete shock to you? 171 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,840 Was there any part of you that went instantly like this kind of 172 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,320 makes sense now or was it just complete shock? 173 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:27,920 Immediately it made sense, which I find really odd. 174 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:32,480 But I had photos from my childhood and I remember looking 175 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,360 at them going, I look so much like my sister Katie, and she 176 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,240 looks so much like her dad, like I look like Katie and her dad. 177 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:44,240 That's so strange. And other people had noticed it 178 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:46,000 in my family. And I'd say, like my stepmom 179 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,960 said, yeah, you do, don't you? But you know, we just thought 180 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,280 mom's genes must have been coming through and we were just 181 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:55,200 saying that. So although I had absolutely 0 182 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,360 suspicions, it did all make sense in that moment. 183 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,240 And as soon as I saw those two last names, I knew that Brad was 184 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,640 my dad. It was, yeah, this random moment 185 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,840 of everything just suddenly fit in place. 186 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,360 You mentioned at the beginning too, that Brad was somebody that 187 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:17,600 your mother had had an affair with while she was with. 188 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,880 What I now know Brad let me know that this was the story. 189 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:25,600 My mom did not tell me this so I had no knowledge that she was 190 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,280 with two men at the time. That was yet not my knowledge 191 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,360 until after until I spoke to Brad. 192 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:35,080 But he said that my mom and Ryan were sleeping in a tent in his 193 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,560 backyard. My mom was working for him as 194 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,440 his apprentice and one night she came in and they hooked up and 195 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:47,360 she got caught by allegedly. So this was the story that Brad 196 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:54,040 told me. My mom told me that she left 197 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:57,240 because he was abusive and that that was all I know. 198 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,840 So I actually don't know exactly what happened. 199 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,120 When I confronted my mom immediately when I found this 200 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,960 out, I said when were you going to tell me that Brad is my dad 201 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,160 and not? And she denied it and she said 202 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,720 that's not possible. I haven't been with Brad and I 203 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,920 said, well, it has to be DNA doesn't lie. 204 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:20,200 And even up until the moment that I sent her my DNA test that 205 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:25,120 I did with Brad that stated very clearly, she still says to her 206 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,920 knowledge that she did not sleep with Brad. 207 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,360 So the story on her and is very different. 208 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,920 But I will say she's not particularly a reliable person. 209 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,320 So I don't always trust what comes out of her mouth 210 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,320 necessarily. But she does acknowledge that 211 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,080 she was with him at some point because she had your sister, 212 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,080 correct? So she's just saying before that 213 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,480 she has no recollection. Yes. 214 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:54,280 So when I was conceived, she's saying she doesn't recall that 215 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:58,000 happening. Then she had me in another town. 216 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,960 So she's left, had me in another town, met with another man, had 217 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:06,400 my brother, and then she's come back to our hometown small 218 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:11,360 country town, and then she's reunited with Brad and her and 219 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,480 Brad then had a child and got married. 220 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,440 So there was a child in between us to a different father. 221 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,680 OK. Yeah, OK. 222 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:23,400 It's very confusing to to tell that part. 223 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:26,720 One, yeah, no, it I mean it does, it makes sense. 224 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:31,600 So at that point now you have a full sibling. 225 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,640 You thought you always had 1/2 sibling. 226 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,920 How does that feel and what's your sister's reaction? 227 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:41,400 My sister was absolutely over the moon because Brad had never 228 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,800 had other children so it was just her and then it was only 229 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,080 the half siblings. We had a good relationship but 230 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,800 we were all separated. We all lived with different 231 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,840 families, different states around the place. 232 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,000 A lot of us ended up with the fathers. 233 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:59,240 I think only my youngest stayed with our mom before eventually 234 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:03,920 leaving in her teens. So we all felt a little 235 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,600 disconnected being half siblings. 236 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,320 And there's a weird sense of loneliness when they're not your 237 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,960 full sibling. And it's, it just doesn't feel 238 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,840 quite the same. As much as I love them as 239 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,960 siblings, it's just not the same. 240 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:22,360 And I had two brothers, have two brothers from as well, so that 241 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,160 they were my half siblings as well to to my knowledge at the 242 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,640 time. And I always felt that was so 243 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,280 weird. I have so many siblings, but 244 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,240 they're all half. There's no full siblings here, 245 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,240 so it was nice. Did you keep contact with anyone 246 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:39,840 else from family after you stopped contact with him? 247 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,560 Rightly so. Did you still have a 248 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:46,200 relationship with your brothers or any extended family members? 249 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,200 Yeah, I did. When this came out, that this 250 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,960 was happening, I was around 12. I was living with my stepmom, 251 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:57,960 who was married to. I'd separated but I chose to 252 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:01,840 stay with her because she was, you know, nurturing, motherly, 253 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,480 all the things, and she'd raised me since I was quite young 254 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,200 alongside him. So I was living with my stepmom 255 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,920 and my two brothers. So I stayed in contact with 256 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,640 them. I was living with them and 257 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,720 continued to do so until I moved out of home. 258 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:21,040 I still had a relationship with his mother as my Nana and I 259 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,760 still do. Although since finding out this 260 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,640 news, she's quite conflicted and our relationship's been 261 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,200 conflicting because she maintains a relationship with 262 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,280 her son, knowing what he did to me. 263 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,000 So that was always a little bit of a sticking point for me. 264 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:40,640 But I did allow her to continue a relationship because she does 265 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,120 love me. And she's she's very kind. 266 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:46,080 And you know, a different generation of, you know, they 267 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,440 have different views on how the world works. 268 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,480 No answers from your mother. No. 269 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:55,280 And I must admit I did cut contact with her at the point 270 00:15:55,280 --> 00:16:00,200 where I sent her the DNA from Brad and I, I cut contact 271 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,400 because I, I knew what her response was going to be. 272 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,360 I just wanted to give her an opportunity to maybe give me 273 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,400 something else. I don't know. 274 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,320 And I didn't even know if I wanted an apology, just some 275 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:14,720 kind of empathy. I don't know, something which I 276 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:18,600 didn't get. So I cut my contact with her at 277 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:22,280 that point and I knew that I was going to do that prior because 278 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:27,080 I've done it before with her. Our relationships been difficult 279 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,200 from the beginning, so it's not the first time I've done this 280 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,240 and it was just, it was probably waiting to happen. 281 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,400 So yeah, I don't know where she stands with this all at the 282 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,160 moment and she hasn't contacted me and she could contact me. 283 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:43,280 OK, so your mother you're not having contact with you do not 284 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:47,960 have contact with you do have contact with your half brother. 285 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,960 Well, who? Who you thought were your half? 286 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:53,520 Brothers, the half brothers. That you grew up with as well as 287 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:56,240 your stepmom. What do they make of this 288 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,840 situation? It was very confusing. 289 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,040 One part of them that was really happy for me because they knew 290 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:08,119 that it meant that was not my father and they knew that would 291 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:10,359 bring me so much comfort and peace. 292 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:17,160 Another part that was sad that they're not my siblings. 293 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,079 But I don't think it's changed anything. 294 00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:21,359 And they know that it's that hasn't changed. 295 00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:27,240 And I've never put a lot of wait on blood relatives over anything 296 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,840 else because I wasn't raised by my blood relatives. 297 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:35,080 It was my stepmom and her ex, her family, her parents that are 298 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,600 not my blood relatives. But they were the biggest role 299 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,080 in my life. So it's never been important to 300 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,680 me anyway. So they knew that that wouldn't 301 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,120 change and nothing's changed for us. 302 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:47,880 Just I think mentally for them, it feels a little bit different. 303 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,440 They feel angry at their dad because they're like, it's not 304 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,080 your dad at their dad. And so that's been some 305 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,160 conflicting feelings for them as well because they don't have a 306 00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:02,080 relationship with him either. To your knowledge to know that 307 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,080 you are not his biological child. 308 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,200 I'm don't know. There is a little part of me 309 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:13,680 that wonders if he did know, but I don't believe so. 310 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,720 My stepmom is absolutely certain there's no way he could have 311 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,640 known. There has been some gossip from 312 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:23,040 extended family friends that hell are like, you know, we 313 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,200 heard this and I'm like, I don't know that I believe that 314 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,960 necessarily. So I don't put any weight on any 315 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,080 of that either it. Certainly doesn't excuse 316 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,080 anything. No, no. 317 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,120 So I, I'm not sure to be honest with you. 318 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:41,280 I would like to think that he didn't know because I feel like 319 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:45,960 it would be very unfair if these people did know this and did not 320 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,320 tell me. I don't know if he knows. 321 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:53,640 Now, my Nana knows and she was a bit skeptical in the beginning 322 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,000 and she's like, how do you believe these things? 323 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,280 And she said she hadn't confronted him on the last 324 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:03,320 conversation I had, but I hoped that she would to be honest, but 325 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:07,440 I don't know if she has. I can't really question it. 326 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:08,600 I'm not going to go and talk to him. 327 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:12,560 So I've just left that for now focused on more important 328 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:12,920 things. So. 329 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:22,960 You're in this kind of unusual situation of you very much know 330 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:27,840 who your biological father is, and he is the biological father 331 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:31,360 of who you thought all of your life was your half sibling. 332 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:37,000 So how do you go about building a relationship with him in a 333 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,920 different kind of way once he learns that you are his 334 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,880 daughter? That's been a really interesting 335 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,200 one because he's a man I always was fond of. 336 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:51,000 And the day before I found out about this DNA surprise, I had 337 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:56,240 been seeing my psychologist and we were going over a timeline 338 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,520 because my family tree is incredibly complicated before 339 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,440 this alone after. And she asked me about the first 340 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,520 four years of my life. And in that time, who do I 341 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:11,800 remember that was loving, nurturing, you know, those who 342 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,880 were the people that you can remember from that time. 343 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,640 And the one person that came up there was Brad. 344 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,440 That gives me chills now thinking back because it was 345 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,760 literally the next morning I woke up to find out this news 346 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:30,480 and it was paired with the fact he was also in WA visiting. 347 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,120 I just know that it was meant to happen at that time. 348 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,760 On a lot of my visits over to Victoria, he would also come in 349 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:41,040 and visit for Christmas and we'd go camping with family and he 350 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,560 would often be there. So I would see him probably 351 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:47,320 every other year maybe. So I still had some contact with 352 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,640 him and I didn't know that whole time he'd been questioning. 353 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,840 He actually still just imagined me to be his daughter throughout 354 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,400 that whole time and just never felt like he could say anything. 355 00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,680 And he did actually ask for a DNA test when I was very young. 356 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:06,160 My mum declined and he feels really upset that he didn't 357 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:11,280 pursue that further or ask me because I certainly would have 358 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:16,200 taken a DNA test much sooner. But the relationship with him 359 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,760 it's been, he has been over the moon. 360 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,560 He's very old school. He is a man who just travels 361 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:27,600 around in his car with his dog and lives off the grid in NSW. 362 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:33,040 Lots of love give. He's like person that calls, he 363 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:34,800 doesn't like texting. He doesn't have social media 364 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,280 which is very odd and weird for me. 365 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,960 So he will often call me and it's really nice. 366 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,720 It's just so awkward because I'm like, I don't like calls at the 367 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,840 best of times and I'm talking to you like I know you and my 368 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:54,640 father, but it feels it's still in that awkward face and I don't 369 00:21:54,640 --> 00:22:00,200 know how to receive love from a father in that kind of way. 370 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,280 So that's really tricky. So he will sign off the call 371 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:06,520 saying love you and I, I say it back, but it's really weird. 372 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,400 I'm just like this is this is such a strange feeling. 373 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,960 So you said that when you spoke to your psychologist the day 374 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,040 before you found all of this out, he was somebody that stuck 375 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:21,920 out in your memory. Did you spend a lot of time with 376 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:25,560 him when you were younger? Yeah, when when he and my mom 377 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,480 were married, we lived together in a house as a family. 378 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,760 So there was the three kids at that time, mom Brad were 379 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:36,520 married, Brad was raising us. And I remember the house that we 380 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,600 lived in and I recently went back to the country town we grew 381 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,080 up. And after I'd found out about 382 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:46,120 him being my father and I took, went into the old house and took 383 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:49,600 a photo of it and sent it off to him as well, just for memories. 384 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,320 Because that house is, I remember that being a stable 385 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,680 part of my life for a brief period, but it was a stable 386 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:59,760 part. And he had purchased in this 387 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,000 time when they were married, he purchased a house in NSW for us 388 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:07,920 to move to as a family. Him and my mom agreed You know 389 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,120 all five of us were going to move over there so he purchased 390 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,720 the house and we then only probably 3 or 4 days I'm told 391 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:18,680 before due to get in the car and drive over. 392 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:25,240 My mum left him for another man. So none of us went and he ended 393 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,720 up having to go on his own because he had work he bought 394 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:31,280 this house. So at that point he was just 395 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,520 heartbroken as well. I think he probably lost his way 396 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:36,040 for a little bit, not quite knowing what to do with himself. 397 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:41,400 So he yeah, that that was a difficult time for him. 398 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,960 I think he didn't ever quite recover from it, to be honest. 399 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,320 He's not remarried. He's not had any other children 400 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:50,880 or anything in that period. So yeah, that was really sad 401 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,080 because our lives would have been a whole lot different. 402 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:59,560 Something that comes up for people in our community are the 403 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:00,680 what ifs. Yeah. 404 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:10,400 And for you, having had such a traumatic childhood in the home 405 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:15,040 that you were in with and your stepmother, did you have those 406 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:20,000 feelings of what your life would have been like if you'd known 407 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,720 that it was Brad all along and never would have been in that 408 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,680 house? Yeah, that was probably the 409 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:30,680 hardest part for me. I think finding out Brad was my 410 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:35,880 dad was this weird blessing in disguise that I was this thing 411 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:38,400 that I knew, never knew I needed, but I didn't. 412 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:42,480 It was an immediate weight lifted off my shoulders that I 413 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,680 wasn't connected to my children, didn't have to be connected to 414 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:50,240 him in a biological sense. All of the things that worried 415 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:54,160 me lifted. So that was so nice. 416 00:24:55,240 --> 00:25:00,560 But I was really angry at the fact that I wasn't given an 417 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:02,360 opportunity to have a better life. 418 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:08,120 I will say that the life if I had of stayed with my mom when 419 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:11,520 she separated from Brad and went to Melbourne would not have been 420 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:13,560 any better. Maybe it would have been worse. 421 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:17,440 My siblings experienced an extreme amount of abuse in the 422 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:22,560 household themselves so living with her was not going to be 423 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,680 much better. But had she have stayed with 424 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:29,760 Brad and they had gone to NSW where he's got a lot of family, 425 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,560 a lot of very warm and welcoming family. 426 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:36,520 They have all embraced me beautifully. 427 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,120 Like it's been incredible. Just suddenly I've got this 428 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:45,280 whole family that's also some of them knew or felt that this that 429 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,080 I was always brides anyway. Yeah. 430 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:50,680 So definitely was one of the the things that upset me the most. 431 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:54,240 I think about the whole situation, aside from the lies, 432 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,480 it was just what could have been. 433 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,280 You said that Brad's family has welcomed you with open arms and 434 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,080 that they're very warm. He says. 435 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:07,720 I love you when you hang up the phone and that's something that 436 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:13,840 you're navigating. How are you dealing with this 437 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:18,240 complete kind of change to your family dynamic as you've 438 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:24,680 understood it to this point? Oh, I am a I don't know how to 439 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:28,360 explain, but I am known as an over sharer. 440 00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:33,200 I'm a very open book. So I just kind of going not even 441 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,840 thinking. I just things, just I just say 442 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,320 all the things. So I have spoken to Brad's got 443 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,600 four siblings, He's got two sisters and two brothers and 444 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:46,280 then I've got children. So I've spoken to some of my 445 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:50,600 aunties and told them my whole life story essentially. 446 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:54,280 I just, it doesn't feel too strange, but it is over social 447 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,280 media and there's that disconnect. 448 00:26:56,360 --> 00:27:00,080 It's not in person. So it's easier to have those 449 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,720 conversations and share those things about your life, I guess. 450 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,400 I think one of my aunties had made this comment on, I put a 451 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:12,800 post on my Facebook just on my private 1 and it was about 452 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:17,680 finding out that, you know, Brad was my bio father and just a 453 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,440 little spiel about what had happened. 454 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:23,880 And one of my aunties had commented on it saying you have 455 00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:27,360 just hit the jackpot. Brad is the most amazing, caring 456 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:30,960 man. And I bawled my eyes out and I'm 457 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,160 not a crier. I'm not a crier at all. 458 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,240 But that was the most amazing thing. 459 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:40,200 I just felt so I don't know, it was beautiful and the little 460 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,480 things matter and I didn't know that they mattered. 461 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,520 So Brad has sent both of my boys have had birthdays in October 462 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:50,480 and December and he sent them a card in the mail with some money 463 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:54,600 to say happy birthday. And of course that made me cry. 464 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:58,000 I was like, I didn't even know that you knew my kids birthdays. 465 00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:02,160 And the fact you sent them a card with a gift is more than I 466 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:05,600 could ever imagine because we've that's, we've never had that. 467 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:08,160 It's just not. My kids have always had such a 468 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,720 disconnect from their grandparents because of my 469 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:14,280 complex family. So it was, it's been really 470 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:18,960 lovely in that aspect. So your kids know, how are they 471 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:22,200 taking all of this? This was a tricky 1 because my 472 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:25,360 kids, my older boy, he's 8, he's just turned out. 473 00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:29,720 And I used to tell them he start would start coming to me and 474 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,280 saying, do you have a dad? Who is your dad? 475 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,960 And I found that really hard one to explain. 476 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:39,280 So I would say something like, yes, I do have a dad, but I 477 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,040 don't I don't see him because he's not a very nice man. 478 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:46,640 And you know, as kids do they ask more questions? 479 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:48,760 Why? Why isn't he a nice man? 480 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:50,640 Is he in jail? Why isn't he in jail? 481 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,560 All of these questions that come up and I'm just like, how do I 482 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:57,600 answer this? So my kids were of the 483 00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,000 understanding that I had a father. 484 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,400 I don't see him because he's a bad person, a bad man. 485 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:06,920 That was all they know. So then when this happened I had 486 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:10,400 to try and explain to them that that person that was the bad man 487 00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,920 isn't my father and that this one is and that he's not a bad 488 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:17,200 man. So that was really tricky and I 489 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:18,520 don't know if they fully grasp it. 490 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:24,520 I also believe in honesty. I feel like they need to know. 491 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:27,000 They shouldn't be left in a state of confusion. 492 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:31,600 So I try and be open about the things in a child sensitive way. 493 00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:36,080 My youngest has autism, so he's very, he's very much just Oh 494 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:39,080 yeah, cool, you know, excited. And they refer to Brad as my new 495 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:41,400 dad. I think that's how I refer to 496 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:44,120 him like my new dad. So it's the only way I could 497 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:48,000 think to help them understand. But they've been OK with it. 498 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:51,120 There's still a distance. They've met him a few times when 499 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:54,320 he was visiting. I've spoken to him briefly on 500 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:56,320 the phone to say thank you for the cards. 501 00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:59,640 So they they know and they did meet my cousin. 502 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:04,000 So my cousin did visit from NSW just last week I think. 503 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:07,840 And yeah, that was nice. So one of my uncle's daughters, 504 00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,120 she came over, she wanted to meet me. 505 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,640 She's about 10 years younger, but we'd have a very similar 506 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:14,160 resemblance. She was staring at me the whole 507 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,920 time and I was like, weird, what are you, why are you staring at 508 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,120 me? And she said after it's because 509 00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:21,960 she's was just spun out by how similar we looked. 510 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:27,120 Yeah, it's it's a lot to take in. 511 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:31,680 So this is not very many months away, about six months. 512 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,840 How have you been processing this? 513 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:37,560 What is helping you move through it? 514 00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:42,680 I've been writing a lot. So my lifelong dream was to 515 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:47,800 write a book well before this. And I've always worked in mental 516 00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:51,200 health and in those kind of fields of work where I do a lot 517 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:54,440 of, I guess, caring, nurturing type of roles. 518 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:58,840 So I thought I would love to be able to share my story with 519 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:01,560 people because I'm quite proud of where I've come. 520 00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:05,560 Despite my my background, I have a really beautiful life and 521 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:09,760 family and doing all the things I could have only dreamed of. 522 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:14,640 So writing has been really helpful and this DNA surprise 523 00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:19,480 has been the thing that I needed to be able to make to start this 524 00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:23,240 book that I've been wanting to do for 10 years or more. 525 00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:26,480 This was the point I felt like was it's the beginning of the 526 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:29,400 end or the end of the beginning. It's just this moment where I 527 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:33,160 knew this is what everything was leading to so that I could do my 528 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,120 next piece of work. In that period, I was already 529 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:39,440 seeing a psychologist, as I mentioned, so I was able to talk 530 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:41,960 through with her. I just talk a lot about it. 531 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:44,080 I share a lot on my social media as well. 532 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:48,640 I find it easier to share with people that don't know me 533 00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,120 directly. You don't tend to get as many 534 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:56,680 confused looks or more inquisitive people on social 535 00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,400 media as opposed to the ones in your life who are like, maybe 536 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,280 questioning it and like, is that real? 537 00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:04,840 Can you really go off these DNA tests and things like that? 538 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:07,960 Sorry, I haven't had too much negative feedback, which is 539 00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:11,440 good. Most people have been equally as 540 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:14,160 shocked. But yeah, I've been trying to do 541 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:17,480 a lot more for myself in the way of getting out. 542 00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:19,760 I love the nature. I love nature. 543 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:22,640 I love going out for Bush walks for the ocean. 544 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,880 We're very close, so I've been spending a lot of time trying to 545 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:29,320 get up earlier, go for a walk so I can start my day fresh. 546 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,440 It's been healing, I would say as well. 547 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:37,280 I'm very fortunate, I think, because a lot of stories that I 548 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:43,640 hear of people finding out about who the family is in this kind 549 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:46,400 of way can be really, really traumatic. 550 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:52,360 And I guess mine is is not really that traumatic. 551 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:55,080 It's really healing. Like I'm sad of all the things 552 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:57,680 that I've missed. And every now and then I'll stop 553 00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,080 and think about that. But mostly I just think about 554 00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:04,600 all the things I've just gained. And yeah, I'm really fortunate. 555 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:07,560 And I wish other people in this situation could have a similar 556 00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:09,920 experience because I know it doesn't go that way for most, 557 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:13,440 which is really unfortunate, but I am really lucky in that way. 558 00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:18,360 What do you hope for next? I mean you, you haven't even hit 559 00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:22,520 one year yet so you are just starting on this journey. 560 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:26,560 What do you hope? For well, I think Brad has made 561 00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:31,440 it quite clear that he wants to be able to move to WA to spend 562 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:36,360 more time with me and my sister. We're moving to the center of 563 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,400 the state very soon, which for him is quite nice because he 564 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:42,680 actually really loves to travel and he's a bit of a grey nomad. 565 00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:45,840 He just gets in his Ute with his dog and he will go anywhere. 566 00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,400 He doesn't care how far it is. I hate driving, he loves it. 567 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:53,000 I think he's planning to sell up in NSW, get himself a caravan 568 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:57,320 and then he will probably come and spend some time with us up 569 00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:58,840 where we're moving to in the Pilbara. 570 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:05,160 And hopefully we'll get to know each other a little bit more, I 571 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,240 guess more personally. Yeah. 572 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,120 So that that's what I think will come. 573 00:34:10,199 --> 00:34:14,520 And yeah, hopefully I'll write my book and I'm starting a new 574 00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:16,480 job and lots of things happening. 575 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:19,600 So all of that's very exciting, moving to a tiny little country 576 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,040 town. That's great, yeah. 577 00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:27,719 Where it comes to my, I guess my identity and the impact of not 578 00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:30,679 knowing or being told someone is your father. 579 00:34:30,679 --> 00:34:35,800 When I had my first child, I did not want to carry the name of 580 00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:41,440 into the delivery with my son. I didn't want any of his birth 581 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:44,000 records to have that name. I wasn't married at the time, 582 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,040 still not married, but I wasn't married. 583 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,360 And I went to great lengths to legally change my name while I 584 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:52,040 was pregnant so that I didn't carry the surname of. 585 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:57,160 And looking back, that just fills me with a little bit of 586 00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:01,800 sadness and anger. And I don't know really, but 587 00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:06,240 mostly sadness and anger that I had to go to so much length to 588 00:35:06,240 --> 00:35:09,800 do that. And I said to my partner who 589 00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:12,360 I've been with for 10 years, I said, this is your options. 590 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,760 I'm either going to we're going to a registry office and we're 591 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:18,000 going to elope so I can change my name or I'm going to legally 592 00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:19,400 change it to your name. Which one? 593 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:21,920 We weren't even engaged. We'd been together for a long 594 00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:23,440 time. And it's like just change it, 595 00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:25,720 whatever. We're still not married. 596 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:28,040 We are now engaged. But I did that. 597 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:30,040 I changed my name legally to my partners. 598 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:31,960 So all of my birth records have that. 599 00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:34,960 So looking back, I'm just like that never needed to happen. 600 00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:38,320 That never needed to happen. So that's been a journey. 601 00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:41,480 And I think the next part of that is I would like to see if I 602 00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:45,200 can change my birth certificate to reflect my birth father. 603 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:50,680 Don't know if I can not or not, but that's path I'm going to 604 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,720 have a look down so well good. Luck with that because that's 605 00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:56,960 something that so many people, I think unless you've been through 606 00:35:56,960 --> 00:36:00,200 the experience, you don't necessarily understand the 607 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,360 closure that that can provide or like the piece that that can 608 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:07,720 provide just to have your records accurately reflect. 609 00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,760 It's such a, it seems such a miniscule thing for most I 610 00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:14,120 think, but it really isn't. It's really big, like it's my 611 00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:17,880 whole identity and I even things like my e-mail address. 612 00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:20,800 I've had to change my e-mail address and now I'm like, how do 613 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:22,720 I get everything from one e-mail to the other? 614 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,160 Because this carries that name that I had so much like hurt 615 00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:28,760 over anyway. Now I'm like, it wasn't even my 616 00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:32,280 name in the 1st place. So it's just so many little 617 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:34,960 things that pop up for me that I'm like, yeah. 618 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:39,760 What advice do you have for a parent who's keeping a DNA 619 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:43,120 surprise from their child? Oh, gosh. 620 00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:46,760 I mean, I just think it's always better to be honest. 621 00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:50,400 Always. Because otherwise you end up in 622 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:54,440 a situation 35 years later where your children might not want to 623 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:58,080 talk to you because you've just found it out by accident. 624 00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:01,000 They need to know. It's really important, Really, 625 00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,280 really important. What advice do you have to 626 00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:07,760 someone like yourself who just found out that they have adna 627 00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,200 surprise? Don't follow my advice, I guess, 628 00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:14,080 because mine would be to just blur it all out and get it out. 629 00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:15,840 I know some people aren't like that. 630 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:17,680 Some people like to get it off their chest. 631 00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:20,200 That worked for me. I needed to tell the whole world 632 00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,680 immediately because that's the only way that I know how to 633 00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:27,200 process things healthily. But I probably do things too 634 00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,800 fast because of that. So I don't think of the 635 00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:32,960 consequences of who might be affected by this. 636 00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:35,840 I just go to whoever I need to and say this has just happened 637 00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:39,000 without thinking how that might impact them. 638 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:44,080 If I could go back, I probably would have sat with it a little 639 00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:47,760 bit more and been a little bit more tactful about how I share 640 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:51,320 this information with people. So taking a little bit more time 641 00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:57,160 and remembering that we didn't choose this, this is not wasn't 642 00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:00,800 our choice. I always like to think I've had 643 00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:03,880 a difficult life, but I don't let any of those things define 644 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,640 me. I can choose tomorrow, I can 645 00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:09,080 choose how my life looks. I'd say I'd like to think of 646 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:13,400 myself as quite a positive person and I can always see the 647 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:15,360 positives. So just grab onto all those 648 00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:18,520 little positive things in your life that you can to keep a 649 00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:21,200 grasp on, you know, the things that you are grateful for 650 00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:23,000 because it can be really hard at times. 651 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:26,840 Danielle, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and 652 00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:30,200 sharing your story. Again, I have said it a couple 653 00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:34,120 times, but just to to share so vulnerably after this happened 654 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:38,600 so recently, I know will help other people who are just in the 655 00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:40,880 throes of of figuring all of this out. 656 00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:43,320 So thank you so much for coming on. 657 00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:47,200 I hope that your relationship with Brad continues to blossom 658 00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:49,760 and I look forward to reading your book. 659 00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:51,640 Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity. 660 00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:54,280 It's been great. Thanks again to Danielle for 661 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,240 sharing her story. If you have Adna Surprise that 662 00:38:57,240 --> 00:38:59,760 you'd like to share, please submit your story at 663 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:04,240 dnasurprises.com and for early add free access to episodes, 664 00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:08,080 join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA 665 00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:10,240 Surprises. Until next time. 666 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:15,760 This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited 667 00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:20,280 by me Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by 668 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,520 Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.