1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:04,600 I was always into genealogy. I love tracking families. 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,760 I have a family tree on the ancestry.com. 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:14,440 That obviously now has changed. I was very interested in the 4 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,400 science. I'm in a scientific field and 5 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,760 always looked up to him. You know, he wasn't a dirtbag, 6 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,880 he wasn't a bad person. He was smart. 7 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,680 All the things that I looked up to, photography, I took in high 8 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:33,160 school, just like him. I love to fly just like him. 9 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:38,800 I'm outgoing just like him. And my he was actually at my 10 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:44,440 high school graduation because he went to see his daughter who 11 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,200 did graduate the same year as me. 12 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:51,320 We found a leaflet from that 1996 graduation. 13 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,240 Her name is listed because their last name in the alphabet comes 14 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:58,960 far before mine and then on the back of the page is mining. 15 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:03,960 He was there. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a 16 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,360 podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA 17 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:11,000 discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis ourselves. 18 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:17,040 In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out 19 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:21,840 that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal 20 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:25,160 event. In other words, my biological 21 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,440 father isn't who I thought he was. 22 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:33,200 Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and 23 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,720 donor conceived people and their families. 24 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,680 Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin 25 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:45,040 with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises. 26 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:49,040 What would you do if you found out that your biological father 27 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:52,520 wasn't the man who raised you, but someone you'd known in the 28 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:56,800 periphery of much of your life? Someone who'd photographed 29 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:02,680 weddings, even done your taxes? In this episode, Beth shares her 30 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:06,840 journey after discovering that her biological father was a long 31 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:10,720 time colleague of her mother. Beth talks about the strong 32 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:14,360 connections that she had with her birth certificate father and 33 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,960 who she believed was her paternal grandmother, as well as 34 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,840 the feeling she experienced after learning the truth. 35 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,600 Ultimately, she reveals how she's formed a close 36 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:28,440 relationship with her biological father and maintains a lot of 37 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,840 compassion for her mother. Thank you for sharing your 38 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:36,560 story, Beth. Hello, my name is Beth and I 39 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,960 live in Delaware and I'm 46 years old. 40 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:46,880 I grew up great childhood with my mother and father. 41 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:52,120 I'm the oldest out of three, my sister is 2 years younger, my 42 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:57,480 brother is 4 years younger and my dad and mom were great and my 43 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:06,960 father passed away in O 7 so 7 years ago and my sister and I 44 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:13,440 decided to trace our genealogy. We knew that we were Irish on my 45 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:18,560 mom's side and Ukrainian Eastern European on my mother's side. 46 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,880 Grew up with 23 first cousins and uncle. 47 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,960 I was very very close to my paternal grandmother. 48 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:32,400 I was named after her. She was in Elizabeth and my name 49 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,240 is Elizabeth. Ann had a really special 50 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,960 connection with her. My sister and I both joined 51 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:42,280 separate DNA sites. I went on ancestry.com, she did 52 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:46,200 23andMe. They weren't matching up exactly 53 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:51,600 the same and we decided to test on the opposite sites so we 54 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,760 would match up. I switched to 23andMe, she 55 00:03:55,760 --> 00:04:03,320 switched to Ancestry, and in the meanwhile I read a book about 56 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:08,480 someone finding out in the Hasidic Jewish organization that 57 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:12,480 they didn't quite match up to their sister, and what 58 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:17,000 percentages equal siblings, what percentage equals fathers and 59 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:22,920 mothers and cousins, so on. So I wondered why the genetics, 60 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:27,320 why the numbers, statistics didn't match up exactly to my 61 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:32,240 sister. So one day she screenshot me the 62 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:36,640 link or the the page that said she was my half sister. 63 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:41,920 I thought that maybe my mother had had an encounter with a 64 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:46,840 different gentleman during the course of my father and mother's 65 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,920 marriage. Maybe my sister wasn't as 66 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,960 related to my brother and I. I have dark hair and dark eyes 67 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:58,360 like my mother. My sister is more fair and in 68 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,400 the eyes and nose resembles my dad. 69 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:05,560 So I was seeing last names on my side of the tree that I didn't 70 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:10,480 see all my sisters and I didn't match up exactly or at all to my 71 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:14,800 paternal cousins. So the last name that I saw I 72 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:20,000 was familiar with had been a very good Co worker, had known 73 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:24,640 through the years we've worked in similar fields and sometimes 74 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:31,480 would crisscross, have a picture together from 1999, just him and 75 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:36,300 I at a football game known as my mother's old friend, old Co 76 00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:41,400 worker from 50 years ago. So I was seeing his last name on 77 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:46,440 my DNA chart. I saw one very close relative 78 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:50,320 and reached out to him and said, is there any way that, you know 79 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:54,000 my paternal or maternal grandparents? 80 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,720 Is there any chance that you're my father? 81 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:59,600 And he said, no, I'm not. But I believe that you'll find 82 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,200 the answers that you were looking for. 83 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,040 Good luck. So I called my mother and asked 84 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,200 if this other gentleman, you know, is there a way that he 85 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:12,640 could be my father? And she was very angry with me 86 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:16,600 and said, Beth Ann, you are your father's daughter. 87 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:20,520 You can't trust that science. I don't want to hear any more 88 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,560 about this again. How are you feeling at this 89 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:28,880 point as you're kind of questioning things you're asking 90 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,200 your mom? Like what's going through your 91 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,160 head? I still thought that perhaps my 92 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:37,240 sister was the one or that the science was wrong. 93 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,200 That's what I wanted to believe. You know, if I'm named after my 94 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:45,960 paternal grandmother. And we were so close and my dad 95 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:51,040 growing up was so wonderful that we were this beautiful family. 96 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:56,880 We grew up on 176 acres, horses, barbecues with the family. 97 00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:01,000 Everything was perfect. And I had asked her about the 98 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,880 science, and she was angry. And for her, for me questioning 99 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:11,640 her, and I apologize profusely. My sister still said, you know, 100 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,600 there's a chance. Our father played in bands a 101 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,560 lot. He had to travel for work. 102 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,000 Maybe there was a chance that I wasn't his. 103 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:27,520 My mother called me sobbing a few days later and said, I need 104 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:33,680 to talk to you in person. And I said, is this about DNA? 105 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:40,120 And she began sobbing. I said, is this other gentleman 106 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:45,560 my father? And she started crying and said 107 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:51,640 yes. And the floor fell out, fell out 108 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,000 from under me. I didn't want to believe that it 109 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,880 was true. I was in denial. 110 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:02,280 Am I still the person or why aren't I the person that I knew 111 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:08,360 all my life that I was? My confidence, my way of being 112 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:14,880 outgoing and loving people and working now in a medical field 113 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,720 that that caters to or takes care of people. 114 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,640 I got all of those things for my dad. 115 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,480 I'm very like my father. Was that something that you 116 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,560 prided yourself on? Was being like your dad. 117 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:34,799 Absolutely. I was very comfortable buying 118 00:08:34,799 --> 00:08:39,480 and selling real estate, being confident in my job, in my 119 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,799 relationships, speaking to people, loving and kind like 120 00:08:43,799 --> 00:08:47,720 him. So how could I not be his? 121 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:52,960 And I was glad that he had passed, that this never hurt him 122 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:58,920 because what if he treated me differently or was angry at my 123 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,200 mother and I? I wasn't his anymore. 124 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:07,880 Wow, I'm so sorry. It was almost exactly a year 125 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,480 ago. The next day I totaled my 126 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:14,040 vehicle. I was stupidly driving to work 127 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:20,360 and I was trying to e-mail the 1st man that I had met on 128 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,760 ancestry and said I just found out that your brother is my 129 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,240 father. He said, well, he reached out to 130 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:35,400 me and had found out also the same day that you were his and 131 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,640 he wants to meet you. But he asked me not to be the 132 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,520 one to tell you. He wanted to tell you or your 133 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:44,960 mother wanted to tell you. So distracted, very engrossed in 134 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:51,200 my conversation with him. Driving to work at 3 AMI struck 135 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,320 a railroad crossing and totaled my vehicle. 136 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:58,560 Wow. You know, almost felt like I was 137 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:04,800 punishing myself or punishing my mother by something have haven't 138 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,480 happened to me that was catastrophic. 139 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:12,040 I had almost no injuries except for a sore chest, didn't break 140 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,160 any bones, no loss of consciousness. 141 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:23,280 My husband and my mother joined me at the hospital and there was 142 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:28,240 partially closer feeling to her. She was afraid that I would 143 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,480 never speak to her again, that I'd be angry. 144 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:35,640 But I felt terrible that she had had to keep a secret for 46 145 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:40,160 years and hide that from my father, from my sister, from my 146 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,120 brother, from this this gentleman. 147 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:48,760 How she she explains it and how he explains it to me was early 148 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:53,520 in the marriage, my father and mother separated and she started 149 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,960 dating dating this man from her work. 150 00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:01,680 After a few months she said to him I want to try to repair my 151 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:05,800 marriage. I want to date or go back to my 152 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,040 husband. So she did. 153 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:12,040 He with regret and love saw her side and that she wanted to fix 154 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:15,640 her family. She went back to my father and 155 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:21,280 shortly after fell pregnant and there was no DNA or or testing. 156 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:28,120 Then she suppressed that part of her doubt and I came out with 157 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:33,360 with brown hair like my father looked genetically like 158 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,960 ancestors on my paternal side. And she tucked that away and 159 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,160 never thought about it again until my sister and I began 160 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:45,600 tracing our Irish heritage. And none of me came up German, I 161 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:49,920 came up Italian, English. So again, knowing about the 162 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:54,320 migration of Europe on the closeness of the countries, 163 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,560 believe that I might have gotten a slightly different mix. 164 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:03,640 So take me through kind of what you're thinking as you learn 165 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,440 this information. Did you know that your parents 166 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,440 had separated before you were born? 167 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:14,640 No, I know that she had gotten married when he was 27. 168 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,720 She was 21. Had me at 23. 169 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,480 Catholic. Two years later my sister. 170 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:27,600 Two years later, my brother, So that's what I knew my story was 171 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,600 and finding out that that wasn't true. 172 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:36,840 I wasn't who I thought I was. I, I was in disbelief and shock 173 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:42,440 and me knowing that he was out there lived within 45 minutes of 174 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:46,280 me made me curious. I had looked up to him my whole 175 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:49,560 life. My biological father was very 176 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:57,080 successful and outgoing and charismatic and smart and I I 177 00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:04,320 had admired him when I saw him at work, when I ran into him at 178 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,240 at events that we were both working. 179 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:11,520 We both loved aviation. I, after two weeks, agreed to 180 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:16,920 meet him for lunch because he he wanted to know me and realized 181 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:23,040 that I was in high school with my half brother and my half 182 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:26,040 sister. Oh wow, were you friends with 183 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:30,680 them? We had moved in similar circles. 184 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:37,800 My half brother was very good looking and a sort of arrogance 185 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:42,040 knowing of yourself that my biological father had. 186 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:47,680 My half sister is only six months older than I am and we 187 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:51,000 graduated in the same class and none of his children knew. 188 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:56,040 He didn't tell them. Did he suspect? 189 00:13:56,360 --> 00:14:01,640 My mother said that when I was a baby, I was an infant, that she 190 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:05,320 met up with him one time and it was very romantic. 191 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:11,320 Nothing personal sexual happened with them at that meeting, but 192 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,840 they tore up all the love letters and I was with her. 193 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,920 They tore up all of their love letters and threw them into a 194 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:24,800 stream or a lake, a pond and hugged his friends and she said 195 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:31,000 he looked down at me in the stroller for a long time either 196 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:36,600 doing the math or I looked like similar to his children and he 197 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:40,120 didn't say anything and they part of his friends hug. 198 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:45,640 She kept in contact. He did my taxes and my sister's 199 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:49,240 taxes through our life. Wow. 200 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,000 Knowing that I was in high school with him. 201 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:57,120 What are you thinking or how are you feeling about your mom with 202 00:14:57,120 --> 00:15:03,480 this new information? Nothing negative, just that I 203 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:09,680 felt sorry for her as a 21 year old young adult keeping the 204 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:15,120 secret that she dated someone and I turned out to be someone 205 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,760 else's. And did she wonder? 206 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:22,840 And did she compare my features to my brother and sister? 207 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:27,320 Did she wonder? Did she suspect so versus me 208 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,080 being angry at her? I was very protective and felt 209 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,440 closer to her. Yeah, that makes sense. 210 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,520 That makes sense. I mean, it sounds like this was 211 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:40,480 a very confusing time in her life. 212 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:45,880 And also it makes sense that it was maybe easier to kind of move 213 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:49,320 forward, right, Once she reunited with your dad. 214 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,840 She. Kept pushing me and said he 215 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:56,800 wants to meet you. He is a photographer and an 216 00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:00,920 author and a pilot. All the things I loved and 217 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,440 looked up to. She said he wants to meet you 218 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:07,560 and I was very resistant. No, no, no, I don't want to meet 219 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:08,840 him. I don't want to talk to him. 220 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:14,200 I don't want to believe that this is true and after two weeks 221 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:21,840 I nervously agreed to meet him for dinner with my son and my 222 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:26,360 husband to buffer that connection. 223 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:30,440 I could feel more casual. I could pretend it was my 224 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:37,360 mother's Co worker old friend. We showed up to lunch and on our 225 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:43,160 key ring was a very specific to our profession and our hobbies 226 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:49,640 and loves key ring. We both had the same 1 and 227 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,680 that's very unusual. Wow. 228 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,560 What was your resistance to wanting to meet him? 229 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:58,280 And you know, why did it? Not that two weeks is a long 230 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:02,680 time by any means, but you know, why did it take two weeks for 231 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,319 you to kind of come to a place where you were ready to sit 232 00:17:05,319 --> 00:17:08,560 down? Because my father was so 233 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,400 wonderful. Because I was so close and so 234 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:18,400 proud of my paternal family, my being named after my paternal 235 00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:25,640 grandmother and her when she was passing on Hospice, told told me 236 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,359 to, you know, get up on the bed with her. 237 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:33,400 And she patted the bed and she hugged me and she said, Beth 238 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,800 Ann, you are my heart. She would pick me up from school 239 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:43,400 once a week and we would have a stay, and I knew that I was 240 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,400 closer to her than my brother and sister. 241 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,440 I was Catholic because she was Catholic. 242 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:53,320 We shared that in common. We traced genealogy together, 243 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:58,600 her family back into a very small village in Ireland. 244 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:03,440 I knew that's who I was. I was steady and steadfast and 245 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:09,000 confident and proud of that Irish link and finding out that 246 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:15,400 I was not Irish was a blow and confusion and sadness. 247 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:21,560 I house sat in Ireland, in Southern Ireland for six weeks. 248 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:27,080 My husband and I decided to sell our house, sell our cars, travel 249 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,880 the world for a year with our three-year old. 250 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:34,840 It was the perfect timing. He wasn't in school yet, so I 251 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:43,280 tracked down in the town the location and House of my far 252 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,480 related uncle on my grandmother's side. 253 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,560 He was unwell and I came to the house. 254 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:53,360 The housekeeper said that, you know, father's resting. 255 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,840 I wrote him a long letter. I am your cousin. 256 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,000 I am your niece from America. I've known about you my whole 257 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:07,480 life and I'm so glad that in our lineage we have the same last 258 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,280 name. So to know that I was I was 259 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,760 related to this Catholic priest was very special to me. 260 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:18,240 I just want to say that I'm, I'm sorry that that happened to you. 261 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,120 Like I can tell that you have an affinity for that part of your 262 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:26,080 background. And I can imagine how difficult 263 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,960 it must have been to to learn something different about 264 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,080 yourself. When you sat down with your 265 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:36,480 biological father and you noticed the matching key chains 266 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,840 and started to learn more about him and all these similarities 267 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:45,240 that you had. Did he share any any point of 268 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,680 view that he had on the situation? 269 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:54,800 He was thrilled. He knew that I was a confident 270 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,560 professional. I'm an international flight 271 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,480 nurse. We have that in common aviation. 272 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:04,880 He's had a love for aviation. His whole life, the key chain 273 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,240 that we had was related to airplanes and he was tickled to 274 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,280 meet me. No hard feelings, no 275 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:16,560 strangeness, no no hiding, no embarrassment that I was his. 276 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:22,480 He was separated from his wife at the time and my four older 277 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,000 siblings. You know he would see them, but 278 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:31,280 he's not as close to them just because of his personality and 279 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:39,160 they're loyalty to their mother. Now, a year out, I speak to him 280 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:42,520 every single day. We have lunch at least once a 281 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:46,120 week. We have flown in his airplane 282 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,240 the first time that we met, just he and I at his favorite 283 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,840 restaurant. He gave me a copy of his book 284 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:59,080 and signed it to Beth Ann. You never know when you shoot a 285 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:03,640 photo how special it's going to turn out or if it will be 286 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:08,840 special and then along comes someone that you had no idea was 287 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,960 going to be so special in your life. 288 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,080 How did it feel? To see that I was happy that he 289 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:20,320 was proud of me and that he knew, you know, he jokingly my 290 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:26,480 younger sister, he had shot the wedding photos as a gift to my 291 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:31,320 mother and she had separated from my father after about 13 292 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:35,320 years of marriage. And he jokingly at the wedding 293 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,960 reception said, Judy, it's not too late. 294 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:42,200 We could run away tonight because he was getting married 295 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:49,320 that same day later in the evening to to the wife that he's 296 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:53,360 married to now. And he jokingly said to my mom, 297 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,120 you know, it's not too late. Come on, here's your chance. 298 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:59,480 And she laughed it away and and was flustered. 299 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:04,160 They had no idea that their that I was their common link. 300 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,960 Right. And I was and I was at the 301 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,440 wedding. Oh my gosh. 302 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:12,520 So I mean, he was around, right? You said he did your taxes. 303 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:17,720 He photographed a wedding. Like he has been around your 304 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:24,400 life for such a long time. Can you share a bit about how it 305 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:29,800 felt to know that you sort of always knew him, even though you 306 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,520 didn't know that he was your father? 307 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:35,920 I was stunned to find out that I had five half siblings, that I 308 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:40,360 had gone to high school with two, and I was proud of the 309 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:44,880 person that he was and we had always been in awe of him. 310 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:49,800 I was a paramedic and the photo of us, he was shooting the game. 311 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,160 There's he and I with our arms around each other affectionately 312 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,080 and you would never know. But in the photo and pictures of 313 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:02,960 him when he was young, side by side in photos of me, we, you 314 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:07,680 can't deny the resemblance. I have his nose, I have his 315 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,560 smile. And when you put the photos side 316 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:14,440 by side, you can tell that I am blood related to him. 317 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:18,480 Did you have that moment? And, and the reason why I ask is 318 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,800 because many of the people that I talked to have, have this 319 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:26,960 moment of how did I not know? How did I not see it? 320 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,080 How did I not suspect? Did you have that? 321 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:33,560 Or, you know, in hindsight, did you look back and go, oh gosh, 322 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:37,400 it was right there? Or do you still feel like, wow, 323 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,240 I couldn't have seen that coming? 324 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:43,120 I felt wow, I didn't know that that he and my mother had ever 325 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:46,160 dated. I didn't know that my mother was 326 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,960 ever separated. It never came up. 327 00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:56,600 It was never revealed and I I did not suspect it at all 328 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:02,480 because as I said, old paintings on my father's side, I'd always 329 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:07,760 felt less attractive, less gorgeous than my younger sister. 330 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,640 However, when my paternal grandmother pointed out an old, 331 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,400 centuries earlier oil painting, I had the same nose that she 332 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,240 had. And she pointed out, you know, 333 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,920 here is where you come from, Here's your roots. 334 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,600 Look at her and she is beautiful. 335 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,560 Therefore, you are beautiful. Your grandmother sounds. 336 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:30,080 Amazing. Oh my gosh, she was everything. 337 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:35,480 My father and my grandmother. When they passed, it left a hole 338 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:37,720 in our family. A bridge was broken. 339 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,720 It sucked all the air out of the room because they were the love 340 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:45,040 that held us all together. So your mom wanted you to meet 341 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,920 your biological father? Or I guess it's not really 342 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,920 meeting him, but to meet him as your biological father. 343 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,840 Since then, how is she supportive of your relationship 344 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:59,240 with him? And and what about your sister 345 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,840 to who you initially took the test with? 346 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:09,040 She wanted to push me to meet him and I was still resistant. 347 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:12,440 She actually told my sister before she told me, and that 348 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:16,880 felt like a betrayal that she trusted my sister to reveal that 349 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,120 to her. Because my I think my sister was 350 00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:23,000 more poignant and sure of herself in conversation and 351 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:28,960 doggedly went after that, whereas I back off in arguments 352 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,080 between my parents. Growing up, I would go up in my 353 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,600 bedroom and cover my ears and listen to music because I don't 354 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,160 like conflict, I don't like arguing. 355 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:43,600 I back away from conflict and my sister was willing to stomp down 356 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,960 there and yell at them. Stop it right now. 357 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:49,040 You stop it. And she's younger than me. 358 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,440 She's comfortable with conflict. She fights for what she believes 359 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,080 in, whereas I put my head in the sand. 360 00:25:55,080 --> 00:26:00,400 OK, so, so if I'm thinking of the timeline of events, you 361 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:05,280 asked your mom, she said, oh, don't trust that technology, 362 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:10,320 that's not right. And then your sister confronted 363 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:14,160 her maybe after that, and your mom told her the truth and then 364 00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,480 called you and came clean. She did. 365 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:22,640 My mom wanted me to meet her in person to talk about something 366 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:26,440 and I knew. And when I said to her is this 367 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:31,800 about DNA through text message? And then I called her on the 368 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:35,840 phone and she was sobbing uncontrollably because she 369 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,080 thought I would hate her. She had told my sister and my 370 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:44,160 brother before me my my brother that's four years younger. 371 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:49,400 She wanted to brace them for possible alienation from me to 372 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,840 her. She wanted to brace them and 373 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,120 protect them that I was different. 374 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:58,640 And then she told me. Talking to you now, you have so 375 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:03,880 much compassion and forgiveness and empathy for what your mother 376 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:09,040 was going through and why she thought what she thought. 377 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:14,680 Again, you know, it sounds like it was truly she pushed it away 378 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,720 and wasn't knowingly deceiving you for most of your life. 379 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:25,280 So why do you think that she was so afraid that you were going to 380 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:28,600 push her out? I think that the key because we 381 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:34,000 came up in such a beautiful, you know, almost proudly confident 382 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:39,240 side of the family, whereas her, her side of the family, it had 383 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:43,560 divorces and domestic violence and alcoholism. 384 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,040 And my mother and father beat the test. 385 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:50,160 They beat the odds. All of the family parties were 386 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,520 hosted at our house. We had all the cousins over. 387 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,880 They had such a good marriage that other people admired. 388 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:02,760 So she felt like she had betrayed me, and then none of 389 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,240 that was real. So maybe some of her own from 390 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:09,240 her upbringing and everything else too, she kind of projected 391 00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:12,800 your reaction because your reaction just sounds so 392 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,840 understanding, you know, talking to you now. 393 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:23,800 Did you go through any anger or grief and those kinds of 394 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,000 emotions following your DNA surprise? 395 00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:31,040 Never anger. Never anger at her or my 396 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:35,800 biological father. I felt a relief that my father 397 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,960 has already passed. When this news came out. 398 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:46,560 I was ashamed. My sister was appalled and 399 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:51,080 removed at first that I was so accepting and that I had met 400 00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:56,040 this man for lunch and she was embarrassed and I wanted to tell 401 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:59,640 her this is not your story, this isn't you that's going through 402 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,720 these emotions. This is hard for me. 403 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,360 Since then she has been more accepting. 404 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:08,880 At my last birthday party in April, my mother out of 405 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:12,840 compassion because this showman is so close to me, she invited 406 00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:18,160 him to my birthday party and I had my two close friends as 407 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:22,040 buffers. My sister was there and at the 408 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:26,840 end of the lunch my sister walked over and gave him a hug 409 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:30,640 as if to say I forgive you, I'm accepting. 410 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,960 Welcome to our family. Since then he has shot sporting 411 00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:40,600 events and gone out of his way to as a favor to my sister and 412 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,280 something that's special to my sister. 413 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:47,840 Shot photos of her child playing sports and made them special. 414 00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:51,360 Emailed them to me so that I could pass them on to her 415 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,640 considering her. Hey, I, you know, I want to get 416 00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:58,520 to know your sister too. She's not comfortable with that 417 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,560 yet. He had done her taxes, too. 418 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:05,240 Yeah, it's, it's interesting because I understand that 419 00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:08,600 technically your your parents were still married when this 420 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,320 happened, but they were separated. 421 00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:14,840 So it wasn't like your mother had this affair, you know, which 422 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:16,960 I think brings up a lot for people. 423 00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:19,640 And same thing for your biological father. 424 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:24,680 So it's interesting to hear, you know, your perspective. 425 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:30,080 I think it's important for people to hear all the ranges of 426 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:32,560 reactions to DNA surprises, right? 427 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:35,920 Like there's no one-size-fits-all reaction and 428 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:38,120 all of these situations are so different. 429 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:42,240 But it's nice to hear that you have such compassion and and 430 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,680 understanding over such a difficult situation. 431 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,840 So you talked to him, he said all the time. 432 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:54,520 You're very close. Does he speak to your mother at 433 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:57,320 all? He, you know, is older. 434 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:01,840 He's I think 13 years older than my mother and was very in love 435 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:06,560 with her. She was in all of him because he 436 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:10,880 was so outgoing. Everyone knew him quote UN quote 437 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:15,720 famous in our small state way. So she was very reluctant to go 438 00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:19,080 out to lunch or meet with him and I alone. 439 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:22,000 And she finally did. And I noticed that she was a 440 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:28,840 little more dressed up, a little more makeup and and he, you 441 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:30,800 know, has flirted with my mother since then. 442 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:35,440 She's much more texty versus he wants to talk in on the phone 443 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:39,040 voice to voice, but they are friends. 444 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:43,840 They talk occasionally or he'll say how is your mother and he's 445 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:48,120 protective. If her vehicle won't start or if 446 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:53,240 she gets a flat tire, he without question goes out to rescue her. 447 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:57,960 At my birthday dinner there were ten of us and he casually and 448 00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:02,280 very graciously, without a thought, paid for everyone's 449 00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:06,560 lunch. Not that he's rich, but for love 450 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:10,040 out of me, for me. What does his wife? 451 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:14,000 His current wife. Think of all of this. 452 00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:18,160 She was never married to him at the time when this event 453 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:22,920 happened, I reached out to her excitedly because I knew her 454 00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:29,360 also and I mentioned that her great grandchild and my son are 455 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,880 the same age. Let's get together for a play 456 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:34,000 date. You know, I think that the 457 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:37,840 children would really get along. And she said, Beth, I need a 458 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:42,680 little time to process this, and the granddaughter does not know 459 00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:44,960 that you exist. I need a little time. 460 00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:49,480 And I felt like a puppy smacked on the nose with a newspaper. 461 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:52,920 How are things currently? Does she still need time? 462 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:59,320 No, we're a year out now. I go to their house quite often 463 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,520 and feel comfortable. I come in the door, it's not 464 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:05,720 locked. He always smiles a huge smile to 465 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:07,400 see me. He'll call me on the phone and 466 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:11,960 say I'm running out of people who interest me to have lunch 467 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:16,680 with, let's meet up. So it makes me feel good that 468 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:21,200 I'm important in his life and I'm closer to him than my half 469 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:24,160 siblings. I see him more, I talk to him 470 00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:26,760 more. I don't ever rub it in their 471 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:29,200 face. Are your siblings like you 472 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,960 mentioned you went to school with with two of them? 473 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:34,520 Are they accepting of you and what do they think of? 474 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:39,320 All of this I forced the interaction with him, I 475 00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:44,000 contacted them, he didn't. I wanted to scream because they 476 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:47,840 didn't know that I existed. And I talked to my oldest sister 477 00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:51,760 first. She's 10 years older and she has 478 00:33:51,760 --> 00:33:54,040 the same name as me first and middle name. 479 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:58,200 Oh wow. My eldest sister wants to meet 480 00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:00,880 me. She lives out of state and we 481 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,760 have plans next month for me to go by her house. 482 00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:10,239 When I called her on the phone she was crying, happy, startled 483 00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:12,639 belief, never anger. Similar to me. 484 00:34:12,639 --> 00:34:16,199 She felt very protective of her father and what he had to go 485 00:34:16,199 --> 00:34:19,239 through. Did he ever wonder if I was his? 486 00:34:19,639 --> 00:34:23,480 And she's been welcoming, looks forward to meeting me. 487 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:29,159 And I'll say things to her like, gosh, you know, your father and 488 00:34:29,159 --> 00:34:33,360 I had lunch and Can you believe that he's so persnickety about 489 00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:34,960 this? And she's like, Oh my gosh, 490 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:38,159 she's always been like that. The other two sisters that I 491 00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:41,800 reached out to, one was very welcoming at first. 492 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:46,639 That has since cooled off. And she has been said, 493 00:34:46,639 --> 00:34:51,280 basically, we grew up our whole lives not knowing about you and 494 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:54,280 we're comfortable with that. And our family is what it is. 495 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:59,800 The other sister I knew socially, we've been in a 496 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:06,440 wedding together, did not know. What has helped you work through 497 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:10,960 your DNA surprise? My closeness with him, we laugh 498 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:16,320 at the same things, the way that he just breaks out in a smile 499 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:20,080 when he sees me make me feel so good because he's not an overly 500 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:23,720 affectionate person. But with me, he's the closest. 501 00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:28,760 He has now put me in his will. I am his medical power of 502 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,160 attorney. When I looked at houses to buy, 503 00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:34,480 he accompanies me, protective like a father. 504 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:39,000 And I remarked to my mother how glad I was and how nice it was 505 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,480 to have a father in my life again. 506 00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:45,520 You know the the grief since my father passed seven years ago. 507 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:52,720 Now I have a dad again. He very proudly introduces me to 508 00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:58,720 his friends or talks about me. He'll say, I talked to Ray about 509 00:35:58,720 --> 00:36:02,440 you and I'm just so proud of you and I, I bragged about this and 510 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:06,960 that and man, that's nice to have someone close to you. 511 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:12,040 Yeah, I was going to ask you, do you see him as a father figure? 512 00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:15,160 And it sounds like you do. I do. 513 00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:20,120 He can't ever replace my father that I grew up with, and I'll 514 00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:23,560 tell him stories. He took my mother and father up 515 00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:28,600 in a plane as my grandparents on my paternal side built an 516 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:31,680 airport and he kept his plane there. 517 00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:35,480 There's so many sliding doors of us overlapping lives. 518 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:38,680 I am amazed that we've always been in contact. 519 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:42,280 What's next for you and and your family? 520 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:48,240 I hope that I can meet up with my other half siblings. 521 00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:53,440 I don't know if my youngest one knows she was from another 522 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:59,040 marriage after me. He has two sisters who were very 523 00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:02,520 accepting and loving of me and reach out every week. 524 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:05,600 We're excited to meet me, welcome me in their home 525 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:07,920 anytime. And his side of the family has 526 00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:11,480 just been so welcoming and they tell me that they love me. 527 00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:17,760 And I am very close now to my aunts, closer than I am to my 528 00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:20,800 maternal or I believed paternal side. 529 00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:23,360 And I don't rub that in my sister's face. 530 00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,600 I don't bring it up when I have lunch with him. 531 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:29,360 I have promoted his book on my social media. 532 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:33,200 I'm proud of that or videos that we've flown together. 533 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:37,520 But I don't ever say to my sister and brother dad. 534 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:40,120 I never use the word dad, just his first name. 535 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,440 Do you call him Dad when you talk to him? 536 00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:46,600 No, some. Sometimes in writing, he'll 537 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,200 he'll write me long emails about what he's thinking. 538 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,360 We join the Civil Air Patrol together. 539 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:56,880 We fly, we play backgammon. He'll introduce me as his 540 00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:02,200 daughter, but he calls me by my first name and I call for him 541 00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:07,560 his first name. But in emails he'll say Dad too. 542 00:38:08,240 --> 00:38:14,440 Or bio dad jokingly but at social events he introduces me 543 00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,320 as his daughter and that makes me very proud. 544 00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,360 It's an interesting thing to navigate, right? 545 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,320 Figuring out like what to call them, you know, do you call them 546 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,760 by their name? Do you call them bio dad? 547 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:29,360 Do you call them dad? It is interesting dynamic in 548 00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:34,040 this community where we all kind of land with what we call our 549 00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:40,280 new found biological fathers. Why do you feel a protectiveness 550 00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:43,920 with your raised family like your your brother and sister to 551 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:48,280 not maybe let them know about you know how close you are with 552 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:51,400 your new found paternal family and things like that? 553 00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:57,440 Because we did have such a great and close family growing up that 554 00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:01,120 my mother and father were wonderful and made a very normal 555 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:03,800 life. We went to a private school that 556 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:05,680 my paternal grandparents paid for. 557 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,240 What would my father think about this? 558 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:15,800 The grief at seeing videos of him playing in a band and him 559 00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:19,120 holding me and just the love in his eyes. 560 00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:22,480 So I'm protective of my father's memory. 561 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:27,120 I am relieved that they've passed because what might 562 00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:29,000 possibly be their negative reaction? 563 00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,800 So I I'm glad that they've passed. 564 00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:36,120 You mentioned earlier that deep attachment that you had to the 565 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:40,960 Irish heritage. How have you navigated that and 566 00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:44,160 you know, adjusted to your found heritage? 567 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:47,040 It's interesting to find out that I'm Italian. 568 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:51,000 I, in my job, have been to Sicily. 569 00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:54,920 I've been to Rome before. I knew of him. 570 00:39:55,520 --> 00:40:00,320 When I'm cooking dinner tonight and I'm making tortellini and 571 00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:05,280 pasta sauce, I think about this is who I am. 572 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:09,680 I've seen pictures of my grandmother, my father's mother. 573 00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:13,040 I look like her now. I'm proud of the Italian side of 574 00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:15,600 me. I joined a Facebook page and 575 00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:23,040 bought journaling about the NPE terminology and I was surprised 576 00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:27,560 that so many people have a negative reaction that the birth 577 00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:32,000 father doesn't want to meet me. Or the siblings alien. 578 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,920 And I was so grateful that I was having such a positive 579 00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:39,480 experience. How lucky am I to have grown up 580 00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:44,240 with a wonderful family and telling this gentleman now, hey, 581 00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:45,680 you don't need to worry about me. 582 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,720 I was raised really well and my father loved me. 583 00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:52,280 And he has such a relief to know that it was OK. 584 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,360 He has said to me, you know, I said, God, I wish I knew you 585 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,560 earlier. Gosh, we could have done this 586 00:40:57,560 --> 00:41:01,880 together and that together because he's had strokes and 587 00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:03,920 heart attacks and seizures since then. 588 00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,880 Gosh, I wish we could fly for you longer. 589 00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:12,240 And he said, Beth, Ian, if I had met you earlier and know that 590 00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:16,080 knew that you were mine, we might not even be speaking now 591 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:19,640 because I wasn't a great father to your siblings. 592 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:22,480 I was gone a lot. I worked really hard. 593 00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:27,160 I played softball. I flew a lot, I worked like 594 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:32,320 crazy 24/7 at the newspaper, and that's why I'm not as close to 595 00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:37,160 my children and I regret that. So we were meant to meet at this 596 00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:40,560 juncture in our life, and I think that's really special and 597 00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:42,080 important, and not everyone gets that. 598 00:41:44,720 --> 00:41:47,760 Yeah, that's true. And it, and it's so important to 599 00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:51,520 just, you know, recognize that, you know, like I said earlier, 600 00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:57,280 everyone's reaction is different and valid and everyone's 601 00:41:57,720 --> 00:42:00,720 experience and background and everything. 602 00:42:00,720 --> 00:42:04,920 There's so many variables that contribute to our reactions to 603 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:08,760 these DNA surprises internally and externally, right? 604 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:10,800 We're all different people. We're all going to have 605 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:16,320 different feelings, And like you said, if you're father accepts 606 00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:19,680 you, it's probably going to lead to some different feelings than 607 00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:22,720 if he doesn't. And you know if your mom is 608 00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:27,440 apologetic or if she isn't, or if she knew all along or if she 609 00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:29,160 didn't. There's just so many different 610 00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:34,240 components to consider when we share our stories. 611 00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:39,160 What advice do you have for a parent who may be keeping adna 612 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:42,080 surprise from their child? When I adopted my son from 613 00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:46,480 foster care, he was an infant and I asked the social worker 614 00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:50,160 when do I tell him that he's adopted and they said from 615 00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:54,240 birth, from birth, from birth, never have it come out later in 616 00:42:54,240 --> 00:42:57,920 life and the agony and negative surprise. 617 00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:02,360 So I felt closure to my son. We have something in common. 618 00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:07,760 People raised us and are our parents that don't necessarily 619 00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:10,440 have blood. And I share that with you now. 620 00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:15,600 You're not strange or different or I don't love you less because 621 00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:18,880 now we have this in common. Be open minded. 622 00:43:19,320 --> 00:43:23,200 Wait before you response. Look at I. 623 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:28,040 I bought an PE journal to write down my feelings. 624 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:32,640 So it can really lead to something wonderful if you allow 625 00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:36,080 it to not replace the family that you grew up with. 626 00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:39,440 What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna 627 00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:42,280 Surprise? If you are just as loving as 628 00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:46,160 you've been your entire life, you're still that person. 629 00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:50,120 It's just suddenly you have adna surprise somewhere in your 630 00:43:50,120 --> 00:43:53,880 background that is part of your story and makes you up to be 631 00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:56,040 you. So embrace that part of you. 632 00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:59,760 Don't be ashamed of it. You don't have to hide it, nor 633 00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:03,920 do you need to tell everyone. Now when I meet people, I 634 00:44:03,920 --> 00:44:06,080 introduce it as, hey, this is my dad. 635 00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:11,760 Or did you know that my father has been an event that you've 636 00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:14,360 been at? I don't necessarily have to 637 00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:18,400 explain the complication. I can just introduce him as my 638 00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,760 dad. That's a really good point. 639 00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:24,200 We don't always have to, right? It's important to to consider 640 00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:27,960 the audience and the setting and everything when we share these 641 00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:31,160 wild, wild stories. Thank you so much for coming on 642 00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:33,440 the podcast and sharing your story. 643 00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:38,120 Like I've said many times, there are so many different outcomes 644 00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:42,920 to these stories and so many different feelings, and I really 645 00:44:42,920 --> 00:44:46,600 appreciate you sharing yours and I'm so happy that you've had 646 00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:51,200 such a wonderful result from your DNA surprise, and I hope 647 00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:54,240 that it just continues moving in a positive direction. 648 00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:58,040 I listen to your podcast every week. 649 00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:02,760 I find things in common and feelings in common with the 650 00:45:02,760 --> 00:45:07,640 people in your show. I feel a loss for some people 651 00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:12,480 that haven't had a positive experience, but I hope this 652 00:45:12,920 --> 00:45:16,400 makes them feel more accepted. Thanks again to Beth for sharing 653 00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:19,280 her story. If you have Adna Surprise that 654 00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:21,920 you'd like to share, please submit your story at 655 00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:27,360 dnasurprises.com and remember to join me over on Patreon for AD 656 00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:31,360 free listening, early access to episodes, and so much more. 657 00:45:31,840 --> 00:45:36,120 You can find out more at patreon.com/DNA Surprises. 658 00:45:36,920 --> 00:45:40,280 Until next time. This episode of DNA Surprises 659 00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:45,200 was hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt. 660 00:45:45,720 --> 00:45:50,040 It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording 661 00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:50,760 Studios.