1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:05,280 I really felt like it was a gift. 2 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:09,160 She was a gift. It was super special. 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,720 She was somebody that I always wanted, always had dreamed. 4 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,920 Especially being an only child, I'd always dreamed of having a 5 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:23,600 sibling of and now I have one. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a 6 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:27,760 podcast that explores the life altering world of unexpected DNA 7 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,840 discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis Ourselt. 8 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:36,720 This show centers the stories of people who've experienced NP, ES 9 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:41,320 or non paternal events. In other words, people who've 10 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:44,800 learned that their biological father isn't who they thought he 11 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,400 was. We'll also hear from adoptees, 12 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:52,720 donor conceived people, and the families navigating these 13 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,920 discoveries. Get ready to follow the 14 00:00:55,920 --> 00:01:00,520 incredible journeys that begin with a simple DNA test. 15 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:07,960 This is DNA surprises. It's usually the father's. 16 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:13,000 When people open up their DNA results, it's the dad's side 17 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:17,400 that doesn't line up and the DNA surprise experience begins. 18 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:24,880 But sometimes it's the mothers. In this week's episode, Robin 19 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,760 shares how she uncovered A shocking secret after taking 20 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:33,800 Ancestry and 23 Andme tests. Her story highlights the impact 21 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:38,080 of family secrets and the power of learning the truth. 22 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,640 Thank you for sharing your story, Robin. 23 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:52,960 My name is Robin. I am 4849 in 2 days and I live 24 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:57,360 in Dallas, TX. My DNA surprise story actually 25 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:06,480 starts back in 2022. I matched with a guy on Ancestry 26 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:13,560 DNA as 1/2 sibling on my dad's side of the family, which I 27 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:17,040 never knew my father growing up. The last time I saw him I was 28 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:21,040 maybe 5 or 6 years old and so we never had any contact further 29 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,800 than that. And so to find out I had a 30 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:26,400 brother that was really cool. He had been put up for adoption 31 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:31,000 at birth and probably about 10 years older than me, and we've 32 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,840 met once and that was really cool. 33 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,000 He lives out of state, so we don't have the opportunity to 34 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,920 meet up a lot. I was the first family member 35 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,320 that he met, you know, actually face to face. 36 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,600 So I'm sure that was really cool for him. 37 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:52,600 He just being older than I am. We're in different phases of our 38 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:56,800 lives. He's so nice and his wife Emily 39 00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:00,400 is just wonderful and they're the nicest people. 40 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,680 And I wish they lived closer because we would have a closer 41 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,840 relationship. But with me having a young son 42 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:10,680 and he having grown children and aging into retirement and it's 43 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,560 just hard to find things in common when you didn't grow up 44 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:17,000 together. And I live in different states. 45 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:22,720 But the big DNA surprise for me really happened in the summer of 46 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:27,240 2023. So I had also done the 23andMe 47 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:32,840 kit long time ago when they first came out in the hopes of 48 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:38,400 finding some of the parental side of my family. 49 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:42,240 Because I I've been raised by my mom for the most part as a 50 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,880 single parent and alone I was an only child. 51 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,720 I didn't have any contact with my birth father. 52 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:53,200 So I obviously had questions and really wanted to know. 53 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,120 And the only way at that point that I knew to find out those 54 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,280 answers was this awesome new thing. 55 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,480 DNA test. What did you know about your 56 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,440 biological father? I knew his name was Robert. 57 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,480 I didn't know his birth date. I didn't know how old he was. 58 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:14,640 I, I knew he liked fish 'cause he always had fish tanks in his 59 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:18,920 house when I would go to visit him when I was a little kid and 60 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,079 he worked as a shoe salesman. Last I remember. 61 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:26,680 I didn't know very much and just being a small child, you know, I 62 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,200 was probably 5 or 6 the last time I saw him. 63 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:34,880 And do you know why your relationship with him sort of 64 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:39,360 ended? When I was 5 or 6, my mother 65 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:46,880 remarried and when she remarried her husband, she and her husband 66 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,880 decided it would be a great idea for him to adopt me. 67 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:54,400 My father Robert, who I was named for, is out of the picture 68 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,400 and like I said, I was about 5 or 6. 69 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,680 So he respected that and he left. 70 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:01,560 I don't know why he relinquished custody. 71 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,800 I I don't know. He has since passed. 72 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:07,920 Those questions are are not going to be answered for me, but 73 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:11,520 but yeah, I was adopted. I actually took both tests. 74 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,600 I took the Ancestry and the 23andMe just because both 75 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,760 databases are so big. I thought maybe I would be 76 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:21,440 missing something and it's good that I did because I found my 77 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:28,800 brother Michael on Ancestry and my Sister Nancy on 23andMe. 78 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:34,960 Fast forward to the summer of 2023, I get an e-mail early in 79 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:40,040 the morning that I have a message on 23andMe and I go and 80 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:45,560 I click and it's a message from someone that I find out later is 81 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:51,520 a female and she is saying that we have matched as half siblings 82 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,160 and her e-mail is really really short. 83 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,720 That's all it says. And I wasn't even sure whether 84 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,720 she or he was male or female because they just signed the 85 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:06,640 e-mail with initials. So even emailing back, I was 86 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,800 like, I don't even know what to say because it was so short. 87 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,640 And I figured for sure this is another one of my dad's kids 88 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:19,040 because, you know, men. And it was, you know, that's 89 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:22,640 just how things roll. And so, you know, I'm like, OK, 90 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:23,920 cool. I've got a sister now too. 91 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:30,240 So I go and I look and I dig a little deeper and from what I 92 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:34,120 can find, this child, this little girl was born to my 93 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:39,760 mother. So my mother had custody of me 94 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:44,520 the entire time I was a child until the time that she I grew 95 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:48,960 up and she passed. And so in emailing with this 96 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:55,000 woman, Nancy, I find out that she was born in 1981. 97 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,520 Well, in 1981 I was four years old. 98 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:06,840 In 1981 my parents were still together but she registered as 99 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:12,200 1/2 sibling and she was placed for adoption at birth. 100 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:20,040 Oh my gosh, so it's interesting, like where our minds immediately 101 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:24,480 go with things. So first thought right, is it 102 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:29,320 must be your father's child's because as you say, men, right? 103 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,080 And also you didn't know, you didn't know him. 104 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:36,520 So whatever life he may have had after you lost touch with him. 105 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:43,160 And then the next thought I would assume might be that your 106 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:50,080 mother maybe had a child before you were born is I mean, not 107 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:53,480 after. Yes, before would be my 108 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,160 assumption. How did you figure out that it 109 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,760 was your mother, not your father? 110 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:05,120 I figured out that it was my mom because the way that at least 111 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:10,280 the latest update at the time had done it on 23andMe, it had 112 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:15,040 separated the parents and you could see one side versus the 113 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,360 other. And I was able to then go look a 114 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,520 little deeper and see which family members she was matching 115 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:25,120 with from that point forward. And I, my heart was in my 116 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:28,040 stomach. I couldn't believe it. 117 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:32,200 I was absolutely in shock. I was floored. 118 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:38,679 I was just like, wow, this is just crazy to me. 119 00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:46,880 To think that my mother had a child come to find out after me 120 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:53,240 that I did not know about. Did you respond to your sister 121 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,880 and is that one who found out when she was born? 122 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:59,360 And more specifics. That's what happened. 123 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:04,520 I responded to the e-mail immediately and asked more 124 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,400 questions, asked when she was born, asked her name, asked if 125 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:12,640 she was male or female and just got a little bit more 126 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:16,520 information on on her. And at that point we exchanged 127 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:20,920 emails, legit emails, private emails, so we could start an 128 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,720 e-mail relationship there and and ask a bunch of questions. 129 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:29,240 And it was definitely hard for me because Nancy gets migraines 130 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:34,320 and she unfortunately got a migraine around this time and 131 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,560 around like her second e-mail before I got really any more 132 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:41,080 information than she was born a little after me. 133 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,920 And where she was born, she was born in in Indianapolis, but my 134 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:49,440 family is from Evansville, IN which is just South of 135 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,160 Indianapolis. So she came from the same area 136 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:59,000 that we were from even. Did she know that she was 137 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,280 adopted? Yeah, she was placed for 138 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,400 adoption at birth. She knew that she was adopted. 139 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:12,640 She had also had to younger siblings, two brothers that were 140 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,720 biologically related to her parents, her adoptive parents, 141 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:21,720 and they lived in Indianapolis and they're still all up there. 142 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,680 My family is still in Evansville. 143 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:28,360 But it was just funny to me that that's where all that happened 144 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:32,400 because I was raised in Houston, TX. 145 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:37,880 And so I was raised with my mother and the occasional 146 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:42,000 stepfather and no other family around. 147 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:46,800 And I had these friends and playmates that all had their 148 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:51,000 cousins to play with and would go to their auntie's house and 149 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,320 just big extended families, grandmothers, grandfathers, all 150 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,560 of these people around. And I had none of that. 151 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,840 All of my family was far away. And as a young child, I didn't 152 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:03,120 understand why. And I'd asked my mom, why, why 153 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,320 are we in Houston? Like, I don't understand, why 154 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,320 are we in Texas? And she said, well, Robin, you 155 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:11,520 know, back in the early 80s, jobs were hard to come by, 156 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:15,160 especially good jobs. And there were a lot of jobs 157 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,440 down in Houston. Houston as a ship channel is a 158 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,400 major port. There were just lots of jobs. 159 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,920 And so when you were little, me and your dad decided that we 160 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:27,360 were going to move down to Houston and start our lives 161 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:34,280 there. Added on to that, my mom passed 162 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:41,480 away in 1995 unexpectedly and my grandmother, her mother also has 163 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:46,360 since passed in 2015. But after my grandmother passed, 164 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,160 my aunt Vicki was cleaning out her house and found some old 165 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:53,160 letters and pictures that my mom had sent my grandmother over the 166 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:57,440 years. Well, she sent those to me and 167 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:01,720 I'm so grateful that she did because I got a few answers out 168 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:06,520 of those letters and those pictures because one of the 169 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:10,200 letters that she sent me was a card. 170 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,960 And I'm going to get into some dates here, but it was dated 171 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:20,440 1981, April 16th, 1981, postmarked Houston, TX. 172 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:28,000 And it states that she and Bob, my dad, had come down to Houston 173 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:35,440 for a two week vacation around mid March and decided they liked 174 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:40,360 it so they were going to stay. And here's our phone number and 175 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,040 here's our address. And I'll write more. 176 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:45,160 I'm on I'm rushing to work. I'll write more when I can 177 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:49,080 later. Well my sister was born April 178 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:57,480 3rd 1981 and they literally picked up and moved two weeks 179 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:01,680 before this baby was born. Nancy was born in Indianapolis 180 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:04,040 so my mom went back to Indianapolis. 181 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,240 I'm sure she had intended adoptive parents waiting to 182 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:11,120 receive their baby. Gave birth to this baby and was 183 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:17,440 right back to Houston, TX by the 16th of April 1981. 184 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:23,240 Did your aunt know anything? Did she know about your mom 185 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:28,280 being pregnant or so? Come to find out, yes, this aunt 186 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,960 did know. I ended up finding out that 2 187 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:34,920 aunts and my grandmother knew of this pregnancy. 188 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:39,520 My aunt Vicki that I've been Speaking of that sent me the 189 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,360 letters that I'm so grateful to for sending that those to me. 190 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:52,280 She was about 18 and she overheard some conversations and 191 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:58,160 she was says she was just a kid. She didn't know much. 192 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,400 She couldn't ask any questions. She just knew that my mom was 193 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,920 pregnant, knew that she was going to give the baby up for 194 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,760 adoption. My grandmother was not happy 195 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:10,120 with that decision and that was the end of that. 196 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,240 When I asked her why she didn't tell me after all these years, 197 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,160 especially after my mom died in 1995. 198 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:20,960 Her mom died in 2015, and at this point it's 2023. 199 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:25,800 Why did you not tell me? And she just said that we just 200 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,520 didn't talk about those things back then. 201 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:33,200 And I just said to her, Vicky, well, those times are a long 202 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,280 time ago and this is now, and we talk about things. 203 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,880 And it would have been really nice to know because I've been 204 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:46,160 alone for a really, really long time and spend a lot of lonely, 205 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:51,080 lonely days. And it has really sucked a lot 206 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,040 of years, a lot of Christmases alone. 207 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:57,440 That sucks, dude. And to just have the knowledge, 208 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,760 whether I could have done anything with it or not, just to 209 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:05,320 have the knowledge that there is somebody else out there, that 210 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,040 would have been amazing to me. And I feel like it was my right 211 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:12,720 to know and it was my story, especially when everybody else 212 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,440 was gone. Like, who are you protecting? 213 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,400 I don't understand that you're protecting a dead woman. 214 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,120 That's just doesn't make sense to me when there's living, 215 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:26,720 breathing humans in the family right here still being affected 216 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,760 by other people's decisions from 40 years ago. 217 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:40,080 What did she say to that? She got really defensive and 218 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:47,480 wanted to agree to disagree. So I don't agree to disagree. 219 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:53,720 I could have understood my aunt coming to me saying I didn't 220 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:57,600 know how to tell you. I wanted to tell you I didn't 221 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,960 know how to tell you. How do you bring that up? 222 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:04,000 I get it, girl, I get it. But just to be met with what I 223 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:08,680 was, met with, excuses and defensiveness, it just did not 224 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:15,920 sit well with me and it just hurt my heart really, it hurt. 225 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:19,840 I think that that is an experience a lot of people feel 226 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:26,120 right in this community is usually the the fallout relates 227 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:31,560 to the reaction, not necessarily entirely because of the secret. 228 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,920 It's it's the reaction following the revelation. 229 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:39,280 Right. And so you know, I mentioned I 230 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:43,560 have another aunt that also knew my aunt Aubrey. 231 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,400 It was pretty pretty soon after I'd gotten one of the first 232 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:53,640 emails I called Aubrey. She lives out in at the time in 233 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:57,240 the Virginia area. I called her and I said, hey, I 234 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:07,640 got a match on on 23andMe for 1/2 sister that is my mom's and 235 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:11,560 she was born in 1981 and put up for adoption. 236 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:16,240 Do you know anything about this? And she said to me her exact 237 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,599 words. I'll never forget it Were this 238 00:17:19,599 --> 00:17:22,119 is the phone coggle that I've been dreading for the last 40 239 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:26,319 years. That's what she said to me. 240 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:29,840 Yeah, she knew. She knew, She knew. 241 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:33,600 We've never met in person. She has been in my life, 242 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:37,840 especially since my mom died along the way, here and there, 243 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:41,080 from afar, from a distance, but in my life. 244 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:46,800 And wow, I was again shocked and floored. 245 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:52,080 And I couldn't believe that again, this woman had another 246 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:55,800 one had chosen to not tell me. Let me add that this aunt, she 247 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,560 was also my mother's sister, my Aunt Vicki's sister. 248 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,840 They are not close and do not speak. 249 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:06,240 So it wasn't like they teamed up and just decided, hey, let's 250 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,360 not, let's not tell Robin about this. 251 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,640 It was obviously independent decisions throughout the years. 252 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,680 Everybody was keeping this under wraps. 253 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,560 Was that kind of how your family was like? 254 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,200 Was your mom really open with you? 255 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,360 I mean, obviously not about this, but you know, how would 256 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,480 you describe your relationship with your mom? 257 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:30,680 My relationship with my mom was definitely, at the time of her 258 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:36,560 death, strained mom when I was about 12. 259 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,280 Mind you, she was a single parent at this time. 260 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:44,440 She decided that she wanted to be a long haul truck driver and 261 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:51,400 deliver chemicals to chemical plants and leave me back at home 262 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:56,440 to be raised by the occasional nanny, a friend's parents. 263 00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,520 I'd sleep in like the top bunk of a friend's bedroom whenever 264 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,480 she was out of town for a week or so at a time. 265 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,800 And then my mom would come home and she would, especially in my 266 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:13,560 teenage years, try to parent me. And that teenage angst and all 267 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,480 of the back and forth to God only knows who's home I'm going 268 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,400 to be at now. Because the situation, being a 269 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,440 teenager hadn't worked out with one family. 270 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:26,640 So you have to go stay with another family and then thrust 271 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:33,680 back home to your mom wanting to parent when she's gone. 90% of 272 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:38,200 the time thinking that she could parent me while she was gone. 273 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,240 I just basically laughed in her face. 274 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:45,720 Well, then at 17, I moved out because at that point she had 275 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:55,680 remarried another man and he was crazy and demented and had 276 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,520 something seriously wrong with his brain. 277 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:58,600 I don't know. I'm not a doctor. 278 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,480 I don't know what was wrong with that man, but it was not a good 279 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:05,000 situation for me to be in. He was fine to my mom, but my 280 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:09,000 mom was gone a lot and he was around and some really, really 281 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,520 messed up stuff went on in that house when that she wasn't 282 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,040 around that she didn't find out about when she was alive because 283 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:21,480 to a child. The alternative to what's going 284 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,680 on might be worse than what's going on, so let's just keep 285 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,840 this under wraps and not tell anybody and hope that it just 286 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:34,000 all smooths out. So at that point I was old 287 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,440 enough to get a job and get out of my own. 288 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:43,440 It was the mid 90s and I luckily was able to get out and get my 289 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:47,760 own apartment in a rough part of town, but I had my own place and 290 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:54,800 I had a job and it was safe. So my relationship with my mom 291 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,760 was not great. Unfortunately, she did not live 292 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:03,320 long enough for us to be able to at least attempt to mend things 293 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:11,040 and grow and learn together. Yeah, I'm sorry. 294 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:12,520 That's hard. Thank you. 295 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:18,160 Yeah, it it is hard. And the lack of closure to 296 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,320 things. My mom died of a sudden heart 297 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:24,880 attack and she was actually out on a delivery out in New Mexico 298 00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:29,080 when this happened. And I was already out of the 299 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,400 house. And I'm grateful for that. 300 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:35,600 I had moved out at 17, but she died when I was 18. 301 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,000 So I had been gone a little over a year. 302 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,480 And I think that that helped that definitely soften the blow. 303 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:45,200 I mean, even though we weren't close and we didn't have a tight 304 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:49,000 relationship at the time, it was still devastating. 305 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,840 She was all I had, no brothers, no sisters. 306 00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:59,160 My extended family is all spread out through the US and mostly in 307 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,920 the Midwest and, and, and separated from me and I wasn't 308 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:06,560 raised around them. My cousins, half of them are 309 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:11,000 doing their own thing and the other half of them have been in 310 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,240 jail and doing meth and doing all sorts of other things. 311 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:18,160 We just don't match, like our lifestyles are not the same. 312 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,280 I have nothing in common with these people. 313 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:21,840 I don't know these people at all. 314 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:26,760 I they could almost be strangers to me, so I don't have anybody. 315 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:34,000 It was devastating to have that safety net taken so suddenly. 316 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:37,800 Yeah, I don't know what's worse, have knowing somebody's ill and 317 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,720 then them passing or it being so sudden. 318 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:45,480 But definitely my youth, it was super hard. 319 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:50,080 Yeah. Very, very, very, very hard. 320 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:54,400 And lots of struggles during that time, yeah. 321 00:22:55,760 --> 00:23:00,040 Yes, hearing you say that it's like, and I know and it's true, 322 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,920 you may not have been able to do anything with the information 323 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:07,200 that you had a sibling out there, especially at that time, 324 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:12,720 but maybe it could have brought some comfort or maybe you would 325 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,080 have reached out earlier or taken a test earlier. 326 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,480 You know, all of the the what ifs. 327 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,600 So you aren't able to ask your mom and figure out what 328 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,120 happened, I assume because you were so young. 329 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:28,840 Do you feel like you have any memory of her being pregnant or 330 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,960 the only? Memory that I have from from 331 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:39,080 that young about my mom is that I remember that she was fat. 332 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:44,160 She was she was chubbs, she was she was robust, she was rotund 333 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,680 She, she had some girth. And I think back to that time 334 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:51,480 and I think, well, if, if I were in her shoes and I was pregnant 335 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:55,680 with another man's child and still with my current partner 336 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,440 and I had this little girl and I knew that I was going to give 337 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,400 this baby up for adoption. I'm not going to be talking 338 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,080 about there's a baby in mommy's belly. 339 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,400 There's going to be no talk of that. 340 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:07,680 I'm just four years old. I'm not going to understand. 341 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:11,760 And at four years old, I didn't understand what a pregnant belly 342 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:16,520 looked like versus a fat belly. You know, they were just all 343 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,960 bellies to me, all that, you know. 344 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:25,920 And so I don't remember her being gone for any length of 345 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,520 time around that time. I don't, I don't remember 346 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,000 anything else other than her being fat. 347 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,360 That's that's what I remember thinking when I was a kid. 348 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:39,000 And then her being a little bit more slender as time went on, a 349 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,000 little bit more body weight, proportional. 350 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:41,960 Yeah. OK. 351 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:49,920 When you talk to your aunts, did your mother know that your 352 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:53,280 sister was not her husband's child? 353 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:57,760 Or I mean, I assume that that is why she was put up for adoption, 354 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:04,600 but did she know? She had to have because the baby 355 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:09,000 was being put up for adoption. If I think that if it were my 356 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:13,120 father's child, it she they would have kept it. 357 00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:18,560 They were still together. So my Aunt Aubrey says that my 358 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:23,360 dad and mom were separated by the time my mom got pregnant and 359 00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:29,000 that he found out, yes, that he found out through like a letter 360 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,960 that came from the insurance. Like, I guess she was still on 361 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:36,920 his insurance and a letter from like the maternity ward hospital 362 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:40,920 had come and he was like, hey, Paula, you want to tell me about 363 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,120 this? You want to explain this? 364 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:50,160 But if that's the case, that doesn't explain how I found that 365 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:57,800 letter dated April 16th, 1981, that she and Bob had moved down 366 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,480 to Houston. And here's our phone number and 367 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,400 yadda yadda yadda like. Maybe on again, off again kind 368 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:07,800 of thing. Or it was during a time of 369 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:12,040 separation. Maybe so like, like that's, 370 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,360 that's all the information that I got out of my aunt. 371 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:16,080 Yeah, that's all. She said that does happen. 372 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,240 That does happen. And I have in fact, you know, 373 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:24,760 interviewed people where the parents were separated and 374 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:28,600 during that time the mother got pregnant with baby. 375 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:33,880 And in these cases that they kept the baby raised as an NP E. 376 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:38,760 But you know, so it's like that's either path, right? 377 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:42,360 As they could have kept your sister and raised her either 378 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:45,720 knowing or not knowing the truth about her paternity. 379 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:50,720 But I understand that you you'll never likely get a clear answer 380 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,920 on exactly what happened around that time. 381 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:58,880 So so OK so you've connected with your sister and she shared 382 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,640 that she's younger than you and you're putting all of these 383 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:05,920 pieces together. Is she interested in building a 384 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,160 relationship and learning more about you? 385 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,480 What happens? Next. 386 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:18,480 What happened next was she and I shared several emails back and 387 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:21,640 forth and got to know each other that way. 388 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:27,280 She asked if I would be interested in meeting which I 389 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:34,200 was so excited. First of all to find out that I 390 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:40,280 had a sister that was close to my age that wanted to have a 391 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:47,680 relationship that wasn't cuckoo crazy, that wasn't a crazy 392 00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:55,080 different political belief system that I had and wanted to 393 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:57,840 visit. Now she come to find out she 394 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,040 doesn't have kids, she's married and she has pets. 395 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:03,960 She has four legged kids and so she can travel a little easier 396 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:05,960 than I can with my little 8 year old. 397 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:11,640 So she asked if I wanted to meet and I said yes, and she booked a 398 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:16,920 trip down to Dallas. I want to say it was October of 399 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:21,840 23. She came and she visited and it 400 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:30,720 was absolutely surreal meeting this woman in the flesh and 401 00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:35,760 seeing how much we resemble each other and see how much she looks 402 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,040 like my mom. She looks a lot like my Aunt 403 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:39,560 Vicki, which was interesting to me. 404 00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,800 Definitely resembled my mom's side of the family. 405 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:46,640 And just the way she's built, the way she carries herself, the 406 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:49,440 way she speaks, the way she laughs. 407 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,760 Yeah, yeah, she's. She's one of us. 408 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,200 It was really cool meeting her. The first time we met in a 409 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:58,040 restaurant and I almost couldn't eat. 410 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:03,080 I was so nervous, you know? Yeah. 411 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:06,880 But. But happy but so happy to to 412 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:13,520 finally be meeting my sister and someone I have always wanted. 413 00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:16,800 Absolutely. Especially a sister. 414 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,080 Are you kidding me? A girl? 415 00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:23,440 It's a female sister. I mean, this is awesome. 416 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:30,000 Yeah. I really felt like it was a 417 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:32,120 gift. She was a gift. 418 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,760 It was super special. She was somebody that I always 419 00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:39,360 wanted, always I dreamed, especially being an only child. 420 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:43,960 I'd always dreamed of having a sibling again, and now I have 421 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:45,880 one. How is your relationship? 422 00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:49,200 Today, a relationship today is wonderful. 423 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:53,920 We have seen each other I want to say 4 Times Now. 424 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:59,760 We took a little girls trip to Memphis back in the fall and 425 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:02,640 that was a lot of fun. Just a little weekend getaway 426 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:08,560 and our relationship is good. You know, I wish that it was 427 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:11,720 even closer than it is, and maybe one day it will be. 428 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:16,200 But that's just something that takes time to build and just 429 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,200 just going to take time for us to get to know each other. 430 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:21,960 I mean, we were both in our 40s whenever this was discovered, 431 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:25,960 and it's only been a couple years since we've been in each 432 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,640 other's lives. And not being close in proximity 433 00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:34,720 is is the hardest. And having to make a conscious 434 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:39,080 effort to to be in each other's lives and to see each other. 435 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,600 Yeah. If you could ask your mom 436 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:45,000 anything about this, like what questions do you have? 437 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:53,000 So many, so many questions. You know just what, You know 438 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:57,600 what, what was going on, what in the world was going on. 439 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:03,840 I mean my mom just knowing her history, fancied men very much 440 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:12,000 and I just. With all the ways to prevent 441 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,800 pregnancy, I just don't understand how this could have 442 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:17,720 happened. What would. 443 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:21,840 I would love to know the circumstances surrounding it, 444 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:26,200 but to be honest with you, I don't know that my mom, which if 445 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:31,000 she were around, would have even ever told me unless she had to. 446 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,560 Just like my aunts. I would definitely have 447 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:37,840 questions about what happened. And then I also would want to 448 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:41,600 know, like, why did you choose adoption? 449 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:46,200 Like you already had one child. Like why didn't you raise this 450 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:49,280 child? Did my dad say that he wouldn't 451 00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:54,520 raise this child with you or wasn't going to get back 452 00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:56,960 together if, like you said, maybe they had been separated 453 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:00,760 and reconciled? Like what, You know, just more 454 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:03,320 context to what was going on. And as strange as my 455 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:06,520 relationship was with my mother, you know, I do have compassion 456 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:10,080 of of the woman inside of her and the woman inside of me for 457 00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:14,640 having to carry this baby and not having to choosing to carry 458 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:20,040 this baby and give birth to this baby and then hand hand it a no, 459 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:23,840 no, that you can't care for this baby or can't won't. 460 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:27,120 It's not a good situation. Whatever. 461 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:32,280 You know, I have compassion in my heart for her being there in 462 00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:36,400 that position. How have you or have you made 463 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:40,800 peace with the unknown? Not getting those answers. 464 00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:46,120 No, I think that you just got to let some stuff go. 465 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:51,520 You just got to let it go when there's things that you're never 466 00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,480 going to get the answer. These are questions that are 467 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:57,040 never going to be answered. And I've scoured through all of 468 00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:00,080 the paperwork, all the pictures, all the everything that I can 469 00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:04,480 find in my archives. And I've asked all the questions 470 00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:08,360 to everybody still around. And some things just aren't 471 00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:13,400 meant for this lifetime. Most of the people that I talked 472 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:16,360 to on the podcast discovered that one of their parents isn't 473 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,960 their biological parents. But in in this case, you 474 00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:24,200 uncovered a family member that you didn't know was out there, 475 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:30,400 but you still did discover very big secret about the people that 476 00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:34,400 raised you because they both knew this, but especially about 477 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:37,560 your mom. How would you say that this has 478 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:41,960 impacted you? Well, initially it impacted me 479 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:51,480 by amping my anxiety level up to about a 300 and sending me into 480 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:56,040 talk therapy. I immediately found a therapist 481 00:33:56,520 --> 00:34:02,760 and because I didn't I, I had so many thoughts just racing 482 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,240 through my head. I almost didn't know what to do 483 00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:08,080 with it or even how to wrap my head around. 484 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:11,840 It was very helpful. She was very helpful in in 485 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,239 getting my mind straight and being able to calm down and 486 00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:19,360 relax and realize that, you know, this is a good thing 487 00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:22,600 should we want. It what's next for you and your 488 00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:26,360 sister or just yourself as you continue to navigate this? 489 00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:31,400 Well, we, Nancy and I are having a meet up. 490 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:35,760 She's coming back to Dallas the end of February, the beginning 491 00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:38,760 of March for I think her third trip. 492 00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:41,080 And she really likes it here. So that's good. 493 00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:45,080 And we're going to, I don't know what we're going to do yet. 494 00:34:45,159 --> 00:34:47,120 I need, I guess I need to start looking at some restaurants. 495 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:49,040 She likes to eat like I like to eat good food. 496 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:52,440 She likes to eat good food too. So I need to do a little digging 497 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:55,400 and see what I can find over a Food City, you know, Alexis. 498 00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:58,680 Yes, yeah, well, that's it's so cool. 499 00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:02,440 And I can just see how you light up when you talk about the 500 00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,840 similarities that you have with your sister. 501 00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:07,360 And I'm so glad that you were able to find that. 502 00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:11,400 That's really special. What advice do you have for a 503 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:16,080 parent who may be keeping Adna surprise from their child? 504 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:22,080 For the parent man, you're, you're in for it. 505 00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:25,240 If the kids find out and you didn't tell them, that's some 506 00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:28,440 serious, serious therapy bills for you. 507 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:33,120 So you should just go ahead and just be honest and tell them and 508 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:36,760 be honest from the beginning when they're little if you can. 509 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:42,080 What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna 510 00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:48,400 Surprise? Yeah, therapist, find a 511 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,440 therapist. If you can't find a therapist, 512 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:53,680 get a good, find a good friend, somebody who will listen to you 513 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:58,840 and, and, and help you manage and help you navigate this new, 514 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:07,400 this new sibling hood. Take it slow and know that you 515 00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:11,120 know you're just now meeting, but you have the rest of your 516 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:15,240 lives to build a relationship and get to know each other. 517 00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:19,200 And it's a really cool experience that I never thought 518 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:24,200 that I would experience. Robin, thank you so much for 519 00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:27,040 joining me today and sharing your story. 520 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:32,320 It's so cool to hear how much you've embraced this newfound 521 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:36,640 relationship with your sister, and I'm excited to hear how it 522 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,240 continues to grow as time goes on. 523 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:41,480 Thank you. Thank you. 524 00:36:42,240 --> 00:36:44,760 Thanks again to Robin for sharing her story. 525 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:48,880 If you have Adna surprise that you'd like to share, submit your 526 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:54,120 story at dnasurprises.com and for early add free access to 527 00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:59,240 episodes, join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA 528 00:36:59,240 --> 00:37:04,520 Surprises. Until next time, DNA Surprises 529 00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:09,400 is hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Oursalt. 530 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:14,200 It is mixed and mastered by Josh Oursalt of Siren Recording 531 00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:14,960 Studios.