1 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:06,360 Welcome to season 10 of DNA Surprises. 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:11,680 This season is jam packed with incredible stories that explore 3 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,600 the emotional journeys of DNA discoveries. 4 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:19,760 If you've had Adna Surprise, you'll hear stories that you may 5 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,560 relate to and gain inspiration from. 6 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:27,000 If you haven't had Adna Surprise, this season will 7 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:30,680 continue to give you insight into the complexities of 8 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:34,880 identity, family, and the human experience. 9 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:40,320 Before we jump in, I have a few quick announcements and 10 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,600 reminders. First, if you've been thinking 11 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:47,280 about sharing your DNA surprise on the podcast, please submit 12 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:50,960 your story. This podcast is made possible by 13 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,960 brave folks who want to heal out loud and help others. 14 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:59,920 Submit your story at dnasurprises.com/contact. 15 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:04,720 Second, did you know that the third Thursday of every month I 16 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:08,320 host a free virtual meet up for the DNA Surprise community? 17 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:12,600 What started almost two years ago has turned into an awesome 18 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,320 little community, and I'd love for you to be a part of it. 19 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:20,040 Sign up at dnasurprises.com/events. 20 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:25,520 OK, one more announcement before we jump into this episode. 21 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:30,800 As you may or may not know, DNA Surprises is listener supported 22 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:35,800 and 100% independent. If you enjoy the podcast or if 23 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:39,160 it has helped you navigate your own DNA Surprise, please 24 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,240 consider joining me over on Patreon. 25 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:45,800 You'll get early access to AD free episodes, bonus content, 26 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,000 and more for as little as $5 per month. 27 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,360 You can learn more and join the DNA Surprises Patreon community 28 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:59,400 at patreon.com/DNA Surprises. Thank you for listening, and 29 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:04,480 thank you for your support. All right, let's get started 30 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:11,960 with DNA Surprises Season 10. A person needs that information, 31 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,160 whether they're going out and getting it themselves or 32 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,920 somebody sending it to them, they need that for themselves to 33 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:20,200 be whole inside. I think it leaves a very big 34 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,800 empty spot when you don't have that. 35 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:25,680 And I think that that's why a lot of us in peas as children 36 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,720 felt that there was something missing. 37 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,920 Maybe not that there was something wrong, but there was 38 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:33,400 just a piece of them or something was was just a little 39 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,200 off about their life. And I think it's that 40 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,520 connection. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a 41 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,920 podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA 42 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:46,520 discoveries. I'm your host Alexis, our salt. 43 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:52,560 In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out 44 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:57,400 that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal 45 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,720 event. In other words, my biological 46 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,000 father isn't who I thought he was. 47 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:08,760 Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and 48 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,280 donor conceived people and their families. 49 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,280 Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin 50 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:20,600 with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises. 51 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:27,160 To tell or not to tell, That is the question. 52 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,560 In this week's episode, Chrissy shares her long journey to 53 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,960 uncovering her DNA surprise, when she learned that the man 54 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,880 she believed was her biological father is not. 55 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:43,080 Her surprise didn't start with Adna Test, but with rumors that 56 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:46,200 she confronted her mother about, which were quickly denied. 57 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,280 Years later, Chrissy found herself staring at a photo of 58 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,680 herself and her two brothers, and that nagging feeling 59 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:59,680 returned, so she took Adna Test. Chrissy shares how the 60 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:03,680 revelation affected her and her relationships, and how she 61 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:07,560 eventually found her biological father, along with a couple of 62 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:11,720 additional DNA surprises. She also shares why she's made 63 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:14,840 the decision not to openly discuss the discovery with her 64 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,160 parents. Thank you for sharing your 65 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:24,880 story, Chrissy. My name is Chrissy and I am 41 66 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,360 years old and I am from the Midwest. 67 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:32,840 It was a very long drawn out process but I did find out, I 68 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:39,720 believe it was in 20, 14 that my father was not my father and I 69 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:45,280 actually met him over the phone when I was 39, which would have 70 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,680 been 2022. There's some time that went by 71 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:52,080 before I was comfortable, but the very first mention of the 72 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:55,960 possibility of a paternal surprise was when I was 18 and 73 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,080 and was quickly disregarded by my mother. 74 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:06,280 I had been spending some time with guy that I, I met through a 75 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:10,440 friend, and it turned out that this guy was actually a cousin 76 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:15,880 on my dad's side. My dad's mom actually had 11 or 77 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,680 12 other siblings. So there's quite a few people in 78 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:22,040 our town that I'm related to on my dad's side that I might not 79 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,760 know if they had a different last name. 80 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,520 A lot of them had, you know, the same last name that I was used 81 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:28,640 to. So I kind of grouped them 82 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:30,360 together, but this was kind of a one off. 83 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:34,880 But we had went, this guy and I had went to his aunt's house and 84 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,800 she said, oh, you're so and so's daughter. 85 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,640 He's like, you guys are cousins. And they made some comments and 86 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,880 talked about my dad. But before I left, one of the 87 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,080 ladies, I heard her make kind of an off the cuff comment about, 88 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,400 well, it's not really your dad, so she's not really related. 89 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,080 This was the very first time I'd ever heard anything like that. 90 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:59,480 I didn't react in that moment. I kind of just rolled with it 91 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,760 and took it for what it was. But then internally, of course, 92 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:07,560 I was losing my mind and I made my way directly home to my 93 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:13,920 mother and repeated what had been said to me and she outright 94 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,600 denied it. She kind of flipped the blame or 95 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,120 or tried to flip it a little bit, indicating that that part 96 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,920 of the family had some hard feelings against her. 97 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:28,760 My parents that raised me had actually separated and 98 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:32,200 ultimately got a divorce when my mom was pregnant with me. 99 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,520 I've always known that that was something that I've. 100 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:39,800 I've grown up knowing and it was kind of put on that my dad had 101 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:45,160 gotten a little bit too entrenched in his alcoholism and 102 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,680 my mom didn't want to be there anymore. 103 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:49,960 I don't really know. I never was told what transpired 104 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:54,520 to get them reunified, but as long as I can remember, my 105 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,160 parents have lived together as husband and wife. 106 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,440 So legally they got divorced when she was pregnant with me, 107 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,800 but they've lived together as husband and wife as long as as 108 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,720 far as my recallable memory will take me. 109 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:10,200 OK, so he he was your dad as far as you were concerned. 110 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:16,200 So you hear this, that he's not your dad, just kind of an 111 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:20,680 offhand comment. You confront your mom and she 112 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:22,880 says. That's absolutely not true. 113 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:27,280 They're just they're being salty about the past and, and it's 114 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,480 kind of a move on type of situation. 115 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:33,520 We didn't go further into the conversation and and I took her 116 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,480 words for what it worth. I mean, the that side of the 117 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,520 family can be kind of dramatic. So it wouldn't surprise me if 118 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:41,960 they would hold things against people from a long time ago that 119 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,960 might might not be true. So I took her word for it and I 120 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:49,960 I really didn't allow myself to entertain that idea for quite a 121 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:54,360 while after that. So then you pushed it from your 122 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:59,600 head and then you said in 2014, is that the next time that this 123 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:03,200 really comes up for you or did anything else come up before? 124 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:09,680 In about 2005, I believe, I had been married and had two 125 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,960 children of my own. And my husband at the time had 126 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,320 deployed a couple times and was using drugs, and there was 127 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,040 infidelity. And it just wasn't a good 128 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,280 situation. And so I found myself doing the 129 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,640 same and kind of seeking outside attention. 130 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,600 And I also found myself pregnant with someone else's child. 131 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:31,880 And there was a moment in time where my husband and I had 132 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,280 talked about potentially doing exactly what happened to me, 133 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,000 raising this child as our own and kind of putting this third 134 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,720 person out of the picture. And I talked to my mother about 135 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:46,360 this. I reached out to her and I 136 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:50,640 expected more, I guess harsh criticism about my choices. 137 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,920 The person I'd been with wasn't a good person just to start 138 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,520 with, though that was kind of the problem in itself. 139 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:03,640 But she was very forgiving and told me oddly many times that 140 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,520 this kind of thing happens far more than you'll ever know it. 141 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:09,280 It happens a lot, Crystal. This is something that happens a 142 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,320 lot. That would just felt weird to 143 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,680 me, but at the end of the day I just. 144 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:18,000 I couldn't get past this idea of devoid a child from their 145 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:19,960 paternal side. I couldn't. 146 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:21,800 There was no part of me that could do that. 147 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:26,000 The baby was never born, so we never had to deal with any of 148 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,240 that. But I wasn't willing to hide 149 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,800 that truth from a child. But the fact that my mom was so 150 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:37,480 open and accepting never left my memory and I held on to it until 151 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:42,000 I moved back at the time in 2005, I lived in Colorado 152 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,040 Springs on a on a Army base. And then I moved back to the 153 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:49,240 Midwest and I found myself returning to some familial 154 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,800 relationships and growing comfort in a couple of those 155 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:58,080 relationships and bringing up that topic, bringing up the 156 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,960 weird way I felt and and why I didn't think it was right. 157 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,400 I didn't necessarily put the words out there that my dad's 158 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:09,360 not my dad, but I kind of implied like maybe there was a 159 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,800 reason or or do you know why she would say something like this? 160 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:17,960 And eventually there were two separate family members that 161 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,040 confirmed that it was a possibility that someone else 162 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:25,600 was my father to the extent that they gave me first name, last 163 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:29,280 name, even a nickname. So I had all the information. 164 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:32,480 I was told that that I had sisters that look like me. 165 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:38,360 And it was kind of devastating. But at that point, it was still 166 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,800 just a rumor. To get all that information, to 167 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:46,080 get names and everything. How did you feel to think about 168 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:50,040 the fact that people knew something and you didn't know? 169 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:56,360 I felt sick kind of that people would know this thing about me 170 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,440 or or you know, at least these family members that were close 171 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:03,600 to my mom at one point in time. It just made me feel kind of 172 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:09,040 uneasy about a lot of things. Just that they would even think 173 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,840 that even if it's not true, if they would, they would share 174 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,680 that or spread that rumor. In my mind, I think that I gave 175 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:19,840 a little bit too much grace to the situation, thinking, you 176 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:23,440 know, my parents were separated, Maybe my mom had a fling and 177 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,920 people are assuming that this is the reality or, or they've 178 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,880 jumped to conclusions when they saw her with this person. 179 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,800 I know that I'm a naturally very flirtatious person. 180 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:37,200 I grew up with my grandma in bars as a child, which is not 181 00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:40,600 the greatest place for children, but she was very flirtatious as 182 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,600 well. And so I, I assumed my mom was 183 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,680 the same way when she was around men. 184 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,320 So I thought maybe part of me thought maybe that's what it 185 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,440 was. It was rumors and it was not 186 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,600 factual information, But I, I continued to, you know, take in 187 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:58,720 the information as it came. I didn't necessarily pursue or 188 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:02,440 seek out information and I didn't even consider DNA until 189 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,640 2014. And in 2014, I had gotten 190 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,760 remarried and we got back our wedding pictures. 191 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:14,200 And one of the wedding pictures I printed off for my office was 192 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:17,680 of me and my three brothers. What I believed at the time were 193 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:21,480 my two full brothers and my 1/2 brother from my father's first 194 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,360 marriage. But when I looked at the photo, 195 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,720 I kind of got stuck because the three of them look just like my 196 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,480 dad. I mean, they're just carbon 197 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,440 copies. They've got slightly different 198 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:36,080 hair colors, but their their eyes and their face and beyond 199 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,000 the picture, their voices are, are my father. 200 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,520 And I don't necessarily look like my mother. 201 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,560 And so I obviously didn't look like my father. 202 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,560 And that's kind of what triggered me at that time. 203 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,680 And I coincidentally was working with a woman at the time who was 204 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,480 big into genealogy. And so I shared my story with 205 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,360 her. And she also happened to have a 206 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:04,080 daughter who was dating my brother's oldest child. 207 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:08,600 And she had him submit his DNA on ancestry.com. 208 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,960 And she had built his family tree based on the information on 209 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,000 there and what she had known. And she said if you want to rule 210 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,720 this out, this is this would be an option for you. 211 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,640 Nobody would know. You could just put your DNA out 212 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:25,280 there and if they're related to you, it's just, you can, you can 213 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,800 push it under the rug and, and know that it was just a rumor 214 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,200 and move forward in your life. And so eventually that's what I 215 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,200 did. I got the DNA test and I 216 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,760 submitted it. And I knew that there were at 217 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,560 least two people out there that that would show up in my 218 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:41,480 immediate family if if my dad was my dad and they did not. 219 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:48,600 And that sucked for a lack of of better words. 220 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,760 Yeah. Take me through seeing that and 221 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,920 getting those results. I think that a larger part of me 222 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,080 than I than I realized was hanging on to the hope that it 223 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,360 wasn't true. I don't know. 224 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:06,320 I just, I thought that I was similar enough to my father in 225 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:09,760 in personality, whether he looked like him or sounded like 226 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,840 him, that we had so many characteristics that were in 227 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,760 common. They would just outrule all of 228 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,560 the suspicions or or other possibilities. 229 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,360 And so I was kind of living in this, I'm going to prove 230 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:27,040 everybody wrong mentality. And when that didn't happen, I 231 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,480 just, I was lost. I didn't know who I was. 232 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:33,760 I didn't know what was true anymore. 233 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:38,200 I didn't know anything. It was a really unfortunate time 234 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:42,440 for me and it wasn't something that I was comfortable 235 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,640 approaching my parents with, but I did talk to my brothers about 236 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,720 it. My oldest brother from the 237 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,960 previous marriage did confirm that this was something that he 238 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:55,320 had known. But the other two brothers kind 239 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,320 of gave the the responses that I hear a lot of people give that 240 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,160 first of all, it's the non belief, but then second of all, 241 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:06,600 they gave the, well, you know, he raised you and he loved you. 242 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:10,880 And, and to be honest with you, I probably got the best version 243 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,920 of my dad. My brothers and my oldest sister 244 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,240 didn't really get a great dad out of him. 245 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:20,280 I'm a daddy's girl and I'm 41 years old and still, you know, 246 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,640 he comes over bright and early in the morning to let my dog out 247 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:26,280 when I'm gone. So I think that they wanted me 248 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,360 to feel like that was the most important and that was all that 249 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,840 mattered. But they still had the non 250 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,760 belief. So I had one brother who 251 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,480 submitted his own DNA and thought he was going to disprove 252 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:41,840 my theory and unfortunately he further proved it was correct 253 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,520 when he showed up as 1/2 sibling. 254 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:47,040 But I still never got the responses from them that I 255 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,880 anticipated. What did you anticipate? 256 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:57,520 I just, I don't know. I thought, I thought that they 257 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:04,320 would understand that that hurt, you know, that I was grieving 258 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:07,400 this life that wasn't mine anymore. 259 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:16,360 I guess I just expected them to, to somehow be able to better 260 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,880 understand. I now know that this is just not 261 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,960 a situation you can understand. You can't put yourself in 262 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:25,200 somebody else's shoes because you don't know until you're 263 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,480 there. And then not everybody responds 264 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,920 the same way. Not everybody finds out and 265 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,920 wants to know more. Not everybody wants to go down 266 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,320 that path at. This point you'd been navigating 267 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:40,560 it for 15 years more. Yeah, something like that. 268 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:42,760 Like that. It had been. 269 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:46,680 It had been a long while. And so, yeah, so that's a long 270 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:50,360 time to kind of sit with this information and kind of push it 271 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,360 away and then to finally get that confirmation. 272 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,720 And. And you're right, people don't 273 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,320 mean to invalidate, but ultimately that's kind of how it 274 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,680 feels when somebody's does feel like your dad's still your dad 275 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,400 and that kind of thing. What happens next? 276 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:09,680 Is it going to your parents or is it researching the family? 277 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:16,079 It's not. So what happened next was not 278 00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:18,280 really something of my own doings. 279 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:22,560 I have not at this point. I still have not since I was 280 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,920 that 18 year old girl. I have not approached this with 281 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:26,839 my parents. I have not talked to my mom or 282 00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:31,840 dad about the situation at all. And I have no intentions to. 283 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,560 I'm, I'm making choices right now in my life that if they just 284 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,200 opened their eyes, they could see. 285 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,800 So I'm I'm not hiding everything, but I'm also not 286 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,560 taking that step. And that's, that's partially 287 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,880 fear of losing my dad, you know, I know he's loved me and he's 288 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,160 raised me and I've been his child for 41 years. 289 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:53,160 But I also know his personality and I don't want to risk losing 290 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:54,640 him. So I'm not pulling that card 291 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,360 anytime soon. But the next thing that happened 292 00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:02,640 for me was kind of unexpected. I had been at a family event and 293 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:07,840 my grandpa, my mom's dad, pulls me aside and he asks me, you 294 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,360 know, hey, I, I heard you submitted your DNA. 295 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,000 Is there a reason that you did that? 296 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:18,000 I immediately assumed that he, he knew what I was searching 297 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:22,040 for, but I wasn't ready to approach that with anyone. 298 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:26,720 So I kind of played it off like my children, we're curious. 299 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:29,840 And so we all just took it to see who was what. 300 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,800 But then he goes on to tell me that he too has submitted his 301 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:40,120 DNA and he saw that one of my grandchildren, one of his 302 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:46,360 grandchildren linked up with me on on Adna site but did not link 303 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,880 up with him. Which could only mean that that 304 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:54,280 my cousin's dad has the same DNA, but I do not. 305 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,440 Which ultimately means my mom's dad is not her dad. 306 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:01,680 And I told my siblings that and I got kind of the the same 307 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,240 response. I wasn't ready to say anything 308 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,280 to my mom. OK, so for people that are 309 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:12,600 listening who maybe didn't quite follow, so your mom is also an 310 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,520 NPE. She is. 311 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:20,840 And you discovered this because your grandfather, your maternal 312 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:26,600 grandfather took a test and connected with your uncle's 313 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,720 child, saw that connection, didn't have the connection with 314 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,560 you. And so the only place where it 315 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,000 could have broken would be your mom. 316 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:36,800 Yes. Yep. 317 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,280 OK. Wow. 318 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:42,080 What did you think of like, learning that, that your mom 319 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,320 also has this experience? Maybe she doesn't know about it 320 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:48,080 yet, but she's in the same space. 321 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,640 I mean, there's kind of a, a little, there's a bit of a jerk 322 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,560 inside me that was like, ha, ha, ha, your mom lied to you too. 323 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:58,360 That's just terrible to say. But it's, that's where I was. 324 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,000 But at the same time, I wondered. 325 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,960 Is that why she, she was so adamant that this happens a lot 326 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,440 more than you know? Maybe she, she did know, she 327 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:10,880 just wasn't telling. But as as time progressed, I had 328 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:14,040 heard stories from her about my grandma. 329 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,440 My maternal grandmother was married like five times. 330 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,320 And I also mentioned that she raised me in bars. 331 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,800 So she was a barfly. I have a whole extra grandpa 332 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,000 even though my grandma was married from from our time in 333 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:32,880 bars and I still to this day call him grandpa, so that's the 334 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,640 kind of woman she may have been. Yeah, OK. 335 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,000 Yeah. How did your grandfather take 336 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,000 this information? Did he know or was he completely 337 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:48,200 surprised? I kind of tried to play off the 338 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:53,560 situation like maybe it was a fluke or maybe we weren't all on 339 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:57,640 that same website because he wasn't sure if my link to this 340 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:01,680 cousin was on family tree or if it was on Ancestry. 341 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,640 And so I pretended that I couldn't remember which site my 342 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:09,160 DNA was on, even though my DNA is on every website. 343 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:14,720 But I I tried to play it off like like there was a reason for 344 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,920 it other than the obvious reason. 345 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,960 And I, I assume he saw through my, my ploy. 346 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,960 I turned bright red when people call me out, but he never 347 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,160 brought it up again. You know, I still see him at 348 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:31,200 least once a year and it's not something he's ever brought up 349 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,680 again. But he did intentionally pull me 350 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,800 aside for it. So I, I do think it's something 351 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:39,680 he's aware of. He just may not necessarily care 352 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,000 at this stage in life. He's adopted some of his 353 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,360 children. He's the kind of guy that just 354 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,720 if, if you're his family, you're his family, whether you're blood 355 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,000 or not. So to him, I don't think it 356 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,280 matters. But I also suspect that by 357 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,920 putting my kids DNA out there that their father is an NPE. 358 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,480 So it's just a vicious cycle of NPS. 359 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,440 Your children's father is an NPE. 360 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:04,360 Too children's father and there's one more that actually 361 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:10,160 came of this that's confirmed after I found my bio dad, I 362 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:16,080 added him and my bio sister on Facebook and I got a call from a 363 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:19,800 a girl that I used to work with and she said why did you add 364 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,160 her? Do you know her? 365 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:27,080 And I was feeling particularly honest that day, I guess because 366 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,240 I said, well, actually she's my sister. 367 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,680 And it turns out that this girl that I used to work with, my 368 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:41,200 biological sister's child, has the same biological father as my 369 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:45,960 prior Co worker, making my sister's child an NPE. 370 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:50,400 She's been raised by a man her entire life not knowing that 371 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:56,400 he's not he's not her father. So seems to be a time honored 372 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:59,440 tradition you're uncovering. NP. 373 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,800 ES left and right in your family. 374 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,840 Did you ever tell your mom what you learned? 375 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,800 OK Nope. I've I've not told my mom, I've 376 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:12,480 not told my ex-husband, I have told my children, and I have not 377 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:16,520 confronted my biological sister about her child either. 378 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:21,320 I don't know that I ever will. I feel like we've talked enough 379 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,920 about my situation and how it hurt me but if she wanted to 380 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,840 approach it she would. But she hasn't so far. 381 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,960 What do your children think of all this? 382 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:36,080 I have three children and two of them are older college age, and 383 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:38,360 they realize that it's a heavy situation. 384 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:42,720 I think one of them would prefer that I not keep it a secret just 385 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,200 because it's causes undue stress. 386 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,240 I have a really hard time at family events, especially when 387 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:52,960 there's any kind of reference to having traits from one side of 388 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:58,080 the family that's not there. And I just, I just struggle and 389 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,360 I, I don't know how to get beyond that. 390 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,880 The other one is he's just more understanding of, of where I'm 391 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,080 at and, and wanting to take my own pace at it. 392 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,720 My other child, my youngest is only 10 and so he's not aware he 393 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:14,440 has met my biological father, but I introduced him as my 394 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,480 friend. But he's just our friend that 395 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,520 that takes us to lunch every once in a while. 396 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:25,520 OK, so how did you find your biological father and and what 397 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:30,840 happened there? So in 2022, I apparently had 398 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,680 been stewing in my curiosity and, and had been on Ancestry a 399 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:38,080 bunch. And I noticed that my childhood 400 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:42,120 friend had put a post on Facebook about something to do 401 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:46,800 with forensic DNA and finding, finding people and stuff, like 402 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:50,040 stuff to the DNA research effect. 403 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:53,200 And she so she was just trying to get further in that field and 404 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,560 trying to learn. And so I sent her a message kind 405 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:01,240 of explaining my situation, saying, Hey, I would love, I 406 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,240 would love to just know what these people look like. 407 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,000 You know, I, I like a lot of people. 408 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,840 I want to, I want to look in the mirror and see somebody that 409 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,520 looks like me. I want to know where this, this 410 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:11,600 little baby butt chin I have comes from. 411 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,080 And I let her know I didn't want to, I didn't want to cross any 412 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,440 lines, right? Like I didn't want to disturb a 413 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:20,520 family I didn't want, I didn't want to be a problem. 414 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,320 I have I literally just wanted I heard I had sisters. 415 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,240 I want to see what these sisters look like. 416 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:30,400 Do I look like them? You know, and she did not 417 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:33,200 listen. She, she reached out to 418 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:36,840 everybody and, and their dog that she could trying to find 419 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:40,640 this man. And ultimately in November of 420 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:45,000 20/22, she put me in contact with him on Facebook at which 421 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,960 time he said, hey, I would love to chat with you if you want to 422 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,560 chat. This is my phone number. 423 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:57,040 And so I called him and the conversation did not go as 424 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,520 expected. I spent a majority of the last 425 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:04,360 10 years feeling like I was this unwanted thing, all the while 426 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:08,280 trying to like make myself good enough for this family to want 427 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:09,840 me. So trying to get all these 428 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,640 achievements and do all these things to make myself lovable, I 429 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,960 suppose. But then I I talked to him on 430 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:19,320 the phone and he knows my full name and he knows my date of 431 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:24,120 birth and he knows that I'm an exact age at that time that that 432 00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:28,680 he was when I was was born, making him pretty darn old, 16 433 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,720 years older than my mom. He asked about my brothers and 434 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,480 he knew their names. He asked about my father's 435 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,760 business and how it was doing. And he just knew all these parts 436 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:42,240 of my life that, that I, I didn't, I didn't even know how 437 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,280 to respond. I didn't anticipate any of that. 438 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:50,320 I just, I thought I was this, this bastard child that he 439 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,800 didn't want And, and I got stuck with my parents. 440 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:57,280 Not that there's anything wrong with my parents, but you know, I 441 00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:00,240 just, it was that feeling of unwant, unloved, and then to be 442 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,960 to find out that I wasn't unwanted. 443 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:07,120 And my sister apparently had been pushing him to to find me 444 00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:11,920 and to reach out to me after his wife passed away once it was a a 445 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,680 viable option for them. But he didn't want to do that. 446 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:15,960 He didn't want to cross that line. 447 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:19,800 What's the back story? What did he tell you about his 448 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,600 relationship with your mom and how did he know about you all 449 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,600 these years? I didn't ask too many details of 450 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,400 him. I did ask a few things and then 451 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,640 I asked a couple more relatives who would have been present in 452 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:35,840 my mom's life at that time to kind of get a a more outsider 453 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:39,280 perspective. But from what I gather, my dad 454 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:41,920 was married, bio dad was married, had his own children, 455 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:46,120 and him and my mom sort of started seeing each other. 456 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:51,080 So so almost dating one of my uncles kind of implied that my 457 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:55,320 bio dad had either been separated or had indicated he 458 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,440 was separated from his wife. But at the end of the day, when 459 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:02,120 my mom got pregnant with me, it was you get to keep your wife 460 00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:06,080 and children or you can go and be a father to this child. 461 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:09,160 And he opted to stay with his wife and children. 462 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:15,000 And the wife was my sister indicates that that his wife, 463 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,320 her mother was very adamant that he never have anything to do 464 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,240 with me, never speak my name, no conversations about me were to 465 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:25,480 be had. 1st, I just, I want to say like, I'm, I'm so sorry that 466 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:29,240 you've been going through this for so long. 467 00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:33,880 That's really hard to kind of have somewhere in your mind sat 468 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:37,920 with this information as you connect with him and you you 469 00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:42,120 connect and you're like learning more pieces about yourself. 470 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:47,400 Did you find yourself wanting to pursue a relationship with him 471 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:53,600 or where did you kind of land? So I, I do talk with my bio dad 472 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:57,040 and one sister every morning we text. 473 00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:01,440 It's this the first thing why my bio dad lives in another state. 474 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:06,320 So he texts me every morning about 4:15 and and my sister's 475 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,920 not shortly after that because she's close to him. 476 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:13,400 But we do talk every day and when he'll come through where I 477 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:17,400 live once a year goes to up to see his sister. 478 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:21,280 So he does drive by and it I have seen him one other time 479 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,880 under very unfortunate circumstances. 480 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:29,880 So last March my bio sister actually commits suicide. 481 00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:32,920 I had didn't get an opportunity to meet her. 482 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,520 She was not interested in knowing me. 483 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:39,560 I'm so sorry. My oldest sister has the same 484 00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:42,560 name as a half sister I grew up with. 485 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,480 So I have two sisters with the same name, one that doesn't like 486 00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:48,960 me and one that's from my biological side. 487 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,440 And she's the one that was encouraging him to reach out and 488 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,240 to find me and, and she did find me on Facebook. 489 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:58,640 The other one is the one that wasn't interested, didn't want 490 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:02,520 anything to do with it. She was aware that that we were 491 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:05,800 in contact and that I had found my bio dad and bio sister, but 492 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:09,000 she just wasn't interested. But I don't think she was 493 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,920 participating in in life much at all at that point. 494 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:18,080 So it was just just before my 40th birthday actually, that I 495 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:24,560 went down to where she lived and attended her funeral, actually 496 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:28,160 meeting a lot of family members for the first time. 497 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:32,760 And apparently I, I have some resemblance to her, which was 498 00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:36,080 kind of awkward at the funeral to meet someone for the first 499 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:37,920 time that looks like someone in your mourning. 500 00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:42,120 Those are hard circumstances. I think that's the biggest 501 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:48,000 struggle for me at this point is I'm, I'm angry that I was not 502 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:52,240 allowed that opportunity to establish a relationship when it 503 00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:55,520 was when it was possible. I don't know the entirety of the 504 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,400 circumstances other than the wife's wishes, but I can't 505 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:02,560 fathom not wanting more people to love your children or having 506 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:05,880 your child become 18 and allowing them to repeat this 507 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:09,240 incorrect medical history and things like things like that. 508 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:14,200 I just, I don't know, you can't. I can't get that time back. 509 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:19,600 Right now, you, you mentioned that you, you don't want to push 510 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:23,160 too hard for answers and, and you mentioned doing all of these 511 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:27,880 things to make yourself lovable, which of course you're lovable 512 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:29,480 without doing all of those things. 513 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:33,200 Oh, thank you. Why do you think that you're 514 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:38,080 hesitant to ask your bio father for more details? 515 00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:42,680 Is he resistant or secretive or? No, he's not. 516 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:45,880 He's not been resistant or secretive. 517 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,000 He's been very open. I I would say that the problem 518 00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:52,080 probably just comes in my personality is I don't 519 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:55,200 communicate a lot. So it's very easy for me to keep 520 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:58,800 this a secret because I internalize 99% of my thoughts 521 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:03,360 and feelings. I wonder things, but I don't in 522 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:05,800 many regards in life. I don't take it to the next next 523 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:09,080 step and ask questions. I think part of that is 524 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,640 unrelated childhood trauma that that has carried on into 525 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:16,480 adulthood. It probably plays into that good 526 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:20,080 enough factor as well. But I'm just not, I don't, I 527 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:22,880 just don't have the personality and I don't know that it it 528 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,880 changes anything. That's valid. 529 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:30,680 Yeah, that's not gonna, that's not gonna fix the relationships 530 00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:34,920 that I didn't have. And so I think my approach at 531 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:40,520 this point is get where I can with the way that I am now with 532 00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:46,960 my bio family and maintain the rest of my family as best I can 533 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:51,080 while while keeping a secret without losing my mind. 534 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:57,040 You mentioned earlier that if your parents maybe open their 535 00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:01,720 eyes or looked a little closer, that they might realize that 536 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:05,040 there's a shift from some of the choices that you have made. 537 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,040 Can you talk a little bit more about that and what you mean by 538 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:11,520 that? I can give you a very specific 539 00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:15,840 example. Not only do I have biological 540 00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:20,680 relatives on Facebook, but I have contacts saved in my phone 541 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,960 very specifically and a lot of my contacts, regular contacts. 542 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:29,120 I actually have photos. So the photo that that pulls up 543 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:33,160 when my bio dad calls is a picture of me and him and my my 544 00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:35,160 sister. Same with my sister. 545 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,360 It's a picture of her and her husband that shows up. 546 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:41,680 So we very recently made a trip out of town, me and my mother to 547 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:43,720 attend a medical appointment for myself. 548 00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:49,400 And both on the way there and on the way back, I received a text 549 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,040 message from my bio dad and my bio sister. 550 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,400 And they pop up great big on the screen. 551 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:56,600 You know that smart cars do or whatever. 552 00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,960 And it it not only says his first and last name, but it's 553 00:33:59,960 --> 00:34:02,960 got his nickname there too. And the picture of the three of 554 00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:09,239 us and she had to, there's no way to not see that if, if maybe 555 00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:12,480 she saw it the first time on the way down and questioned if she 556 00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:16,560 was seeing things, she had to have seen it and known on the 557 00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:20,440 way back. I know that they pay attention 558 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,199 to the the things that people are saying and doing on 559 00:34:23,199 --> 00:34:25,280 Facebook. They can be nosy people. 560 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:27,080 I know that they had to have seen. 561 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:31,000 And his nickname is not a common nickname, so it's not like he's 562 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,760 going around commenting on my stuff, just with a name that is 563 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:36,760 an average Joe name. I don't know at this point if 564 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:40,880 she's just being blind to it, doesn't want to know, is living 565 00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:46,000 in denial, or just doesn't want to acknowledge the possibility. 566 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:50,159 Is it something that you would like to talk to her about? 567 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:54,080 I don't know because I don't think I would be very nice about 568 00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:58,840 it and if I'm being honest, I I think at this stage I would be 569 00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:02,360 rude. I had at one point in this 570 00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:06,440 journey my sister I grew up with. 571 00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:11,440 I ended up in a drinking establishment where she had been 572 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:15,000 for quite some time. And I was forewarned by another 573 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:19,160 person to stay clear of her. And I quickly realized that she 574 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:23,400 intended at that at that time to to kind of break the news to me 575 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,360 and tell me something to hurt me, you know, tell me about my 576 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:29,680 bio debt to hurt me. But I flipped it on her and, and 577 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:32,760 I, you know, I brought it out and I said mean things. 578 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:35,600 And I'm afraid that I would do that same thing to my mom. 579 00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:39,080 And neither of them deserve it. You know, I don't deserve to be 580 00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:41,560 in the spot that I am. But at the same time, you can't 581 00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:44,000 make somebody feel worse about something that they probably 582 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:47,960 felt bad about for a long time. I imagine there had to have been 583 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:56,120 a time when she felt bad or or regretful or sorry or some some 584 00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:59,600 emotion about the choice that she made that prevented me from 585 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:01,200 having the relationships I could have had. 586 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:05,120 Is that where the bulk of your anger comes from? 587 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:08,360 Is those the mistime? I think so. 588 00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:12,120 It's the mistime and it's the the people that I could have 589 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:15,040 known and didn't get a chance to know. 590 00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:20,640 And even for her side of the family, like not knowing if she 591 00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:23,880 has other, she already has a lot of siblings, but maybe she has 592 00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:27,760 more siblings out there. Maybe there's more family and we 593 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:31,160 live in a small town. You don't do those things in 594 00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,080 small towns cause bad things can happen. 595 00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:37,560 Did you learn anything about your family history that was new 596 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:41,200 to you, like culturally or anything like that? 597 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:46,760 I have this blonde hair here that I lived in perpetual fear 598 00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:49,800 that would turn brown because my mom's hair turned brown and my 599 00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:53,840 dad's hair, that dad that raised me's hair was brown and my 600 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:57,840 siblings hair all darkened. And so I was just waiting that 601 00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:01,920 for that day and it and eventually whether it's funny or 602 00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:05,640 not, became a phobia. Like I legitimately in the fall 603 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,120 every year would look at my roots and see if it was turning 604 00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:11,800 brown yet. But now I know I'm Swedish and 605 00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:14,600 my dad and my sister still have light hair. 606 00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:18,160 You know, I've got the butt chin that I've got and there's not 607 00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:24,440 been any health concerns really. My sister who passed away may 608 00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:27,200 have had some similar health conditions that I have, but 609 00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,360 nothing alarming. I just don't. 610 00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:32,520 Now when I go to the doctor and they asked me to confirm my 611 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:35,640 family history, I just tell them to delete it because I don't 612 00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:38,960 know at this point in life what's what's true and what's 613 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:41,600 not true. So I'd rather have nothing out 614 00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:44,560 there than false information. Sure. 615 00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:49,640 You mentioned that you've internalized a lot of it and 616 00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:52,520 that's kind of the way that you've you've processed this or, 617 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:54,440 or dealt with it is internalizing it. 618 00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:59,600 How are you moving through as you deal with this? 619 00:38:00,240 --> 00:38:04,040 You know, on your own, so to speak, what resources are 620 00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:08,600 helping you? So I do have a therapist that's 621 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:12,280 that's pretty new. She's not doesn't specialize in 622 00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:18,160 the NP ES, but she is very understanding and and so far she 623 00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:23,000 seems to have the capacity to to understand and comprehend how 624 00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:26,480 that would impact a person. So I think that's beneficial. 625 00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:28,800 I have no problem talking to strangers. 626 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:34,120 It's just the people close to me that I struggle sharing any news 627 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,400 with good or bad. I write. 628 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:42,720 I like to write as well, so I've considered different different 629 00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:47,800 options for writing maybe a book at some point in time, but it's 630 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:49,800 just getting it out and putting it on paper. 631 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:53,440 Sometimes is a is a nice way to relieve my my thoughts and 632 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:55,360 anxiety and then I can let it be. 633 00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,640 When I put it down on paper, it's gone and I can shred it and 634 00:38:58,640 --> 00:38:59,880 I don't have to worry about anybody knowing. 635 00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:04,600 Yeah, that's definitely a good thing for people to remember is 636 00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:07,040 that you can write it down and you don't have to keep it. 637 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:09,080 It's just getting it out of your system. 638 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:11,320 Yeah, you get it out. You don't have to let anybody 639 00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:13,360 read it. It's just the the process of 640 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:16,200 getting it out is. So half the time that's all you 641 00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,720 need to do, get it out. Yeah. 642 00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:25,320 How has uncovering so many NP ES around you affected you? 643 00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:29,880 Has it normalized it for you in some way? 644 00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:33,760 Is it disturbing to you that there are so many? 645 00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:38,160 It's pretty disturbing. With my ex-husband, when I very 646 00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:41,400 first met him, he told me that they had joked when he was a kid 647 00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:44,640 that somebody else was his dad. And then I started to kind of 648 00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:49,680 look at him and his sister and his dad and realize that, well, 649 00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:52,360 you know, it might not be too much of a joke. 650 00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:53,920 That's a that could be a reality. 651 00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:56,440 And then the same for my mom. You know, they've had the 652 00:39:56,440 --> 00:40:02,400 rumors, but I was pretty shocked to find out about the biological 653 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:06,840 sister and, and my own mother. That one's kind of floored me 654 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:11,040 and just made me wonder about the honesty of people in general 655 00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:16,560 and, and if they have any idea how that impacts or can impact 656 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:19,600 the, the children that they're hiding their secrets from. 657 00:40:20,640 --> 00:40:23,720 I know some people. Take it really well and and move 658 00:40:23,720 --> 00:40:27,680 forward just fine, but some of us get get lost out there and 659 00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:31,360 don't know who they are anymore and and kind of have to start 660 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:34,760 fresh rebuilding that that sense of self and who am I? 661 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:41,160 If I'm not that, who am I? Yeah, Yeah, that's a really good 662 00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,520 point. I mean, everybody does does deal 663 00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,560 with it differently. I wanted to just go back and 664 00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:50,440 acknowledge that you were faced with the same choice at at a 665 00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:54,480 point in your life and you made a different decision. 666 00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:57,400 You know your your plan was different. 667 00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:05,120 Did that situation give you empathy for your mom, or did it 668 00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:07,680 make it even harder for you to understand? 669 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:12,240 It made it even harder for me to understand, not even just from 670 00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:16,000 the child's perspective, but from the man that I was with. 671 00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:20,800 Although he was certifiable, I couldn't fathom keeping that 672 00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:23,200 child from him. You know, not letting him know 673 00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:26,440 what achievements they've made or what they look like or what 674 00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:29,080 their favorite color. I can't imagine not sharing that 675 00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:32,720 with someone that that they're biologically connected to. 676 00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:36,080 Sadly, it's kind of similar to my older children and their 677 00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:38,040 father. He's been inactive in their 678 00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:41,840 lives for several years and I still, even though they're 679 00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:45,440 college age, I still send photos and, and let him know how 680 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:49,280 they're doing because I feel that that's just something they 681 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:52,240 biologically deserve to have that information. 682 00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:56,120 A person needs that information, whether they're going out and 683 00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,280 getting it themselves or somebody sending it to them, 684 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:01,080 they need that for themselves to be whole inside. 685 00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:04,640 I think it leaves a very big empty spot when you don't have 686 00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:06,880 that. And I think that that's why a 687 00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:10,320 lot of us M PS as children felt that there was something 688 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:11,720 missing. Maybe not that there was 689 00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:14,840 something wrong, but there was just a piece of them or 690 00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:17,480 something was, was just a little off about their life. 691 00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:19,840 And I think it's that connection. 692 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:25,040 What is next for you? What do you hope for in your 693 00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:28,760 relationship with your bio dad? I just would like to continue to 694 00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,960 to know him as long as I can. He's older now. 695 00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:34,720 He's he'll be 82 towards the end of this year. 696 00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:39,120 I kind of look up to him. He's older and probably in the 697 00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:42,320 best shape of his life. I'm kind of envious of that. 698 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:44,840 He gets up and goes to the gym every morning at six and 699 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:50,040 volunteers, which is something that I do a lot of and and 700 00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:52,640 nobody else in my family did. So it was very interesting to 701 00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:55,440 find that he does a lot of the similar things that I do and has 702 00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:59,880 similar interests that I have. So I hope to just continue to 703 00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:03,200 grow on those. I would like to further my 704 00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:05,920 relationship with my sister. I mean, we, we talk everyday, 705 00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:09,280 but it's still a very surface level relationship. 706 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:13,200 And so getting to know her on a more personal level level where 707 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:16,080 she might feel comfortable telling me about her daughter 708 00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:19,760 or, or about other things in her life that have happened. 709 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:24,760 I would, I would like to have that and to not feel awkward at 710 00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:29,600 family events and maybe work on my, my, my relationship with my 711 00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:32,640 brothers unintentionally, you know, we've distanced and I 712 00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:37,000 think it's, it's because of the reactions I got and how that 713 00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:40,040 felt. And I now I'm now aware that 714 00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:43,200 that's not their fault. They did not do anything wrong, 715 00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:46,120 nor did I. But there's no reason we can't 716 00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:48,200 have our same relationship we had before. 717 00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,960 We're, we're still siblings whether we're full or not. 718 00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:54,560 So I think it's just it's rebuilding those and furthering 719 00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:56,880 what relationships I can on the paternal side. 720 00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:00,920 I want to thank you for coming on the podcast and talking about 721 00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:05,200 the fact that you have decided not to talk about it with your 722 00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:08,480 parents. And I think it really goes to 723 00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:12,480 show that everybody's reaction and what they do with this 724 00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:16,800 information is their own. Of course, you know 10 years 725 00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:20,720 down the road you could totally change your mind and shift or 726 00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:25,600 not, but whatever decision you make is yours and this happened 727 00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:26,960 to you. Thank you. 728 00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:31,160 I appreciate that. It's just a long drawn out 729 00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:36,400 process and I don't know that that was the best way to go, but 730 00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:40,080 I know that that's the only the only route I could have taken. 731 00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:46,160 What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna 732 00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:50,480 surprise from their child? To to just don't, I mean, I 733 00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:54,000 understand it at a very early age maybe or if there's 734 00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:58,520 something inappropriate with the parent that that it's best to 735 00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:02,720 not share that information. But I think ultimately every 736 00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:07,640 child has a right to know that information a a right and a need 737 00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:11,080 from a reality standpoint. And they they could hook up with 738 00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:14,320 the wrong person or a medical standpoint that they might be 739 00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:18,320 more at risk for certain things. And, and so you're not doing 740 00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:21,520 anyone a favor by keeping it a secret forever. 741 00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:26,080 You're just making it harder. And what advice do you have for 742 00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:29,040 someone who just uncovered Adna surprise? 743 00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:34,320 The piece of advice is not making to tell people not to 744 00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:37,800 feel bad if they if they go too fast or if they go too slow, 745 00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:40,120 because everybody's going to have their own pace and, and 746 00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:42,920 things are comfortable for different people at different 747 00:45:42,920 --> 00:45:45,240 times. Or, or maybe they're never 748 00:45:45,240 --> 00:45:47,080 comfortable and that's just how it is. 749 00:45:47,560 --> 00:45:50,680 But don't put too much weight in what other people are doing. 750 00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:54,200 You have to do what's best for you when it's best for you. 751 00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:57,600 Chrissy, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and 752 00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:02,160 sharing your story. I wish you the absolute best as 753 00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:04,320 you just continue navigating this. 754 00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:09,320 And I hope that you have many more years with your bio dad to 755 00:46:09,920 --> 00:46:13,000 try to make up for lost time. I always say there's there's no 756 00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:16,680 making up for lost time, but you can build a beautiful 757 00:46:16,680 --> 00:46:19,040 relationship in in the time that you have I. 758 00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:20,080 Hope so. Thank you. 759 00:46:27,120 --> 00:46:29,480 Thanks again to Chrissy for sharing her story. 760 00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:32,920 If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please 761 00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:35,320 submit your story at DNA Surprises. dot. 762 00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:39,880 DNA Surprises was her next time. Produced and edited by me, 763 00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:43,640 Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by 764 00:46:43,640 --> 00:46:46,880 Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.