Welcome to season 10 of DNA Surprises.
This season is jam packed with incredible stories that explore
the emotional journeys of DNA discoveries.
If you've had Adna Surprise, you'll hear stories that you may
relate to and gain inspiration from.
If you haven't had Adna Surprise, this season will
continue to give you insight into the complexities of
identity, family, and the human experience.
Before we jump in, I have a few quick announcements and
reminders. First, if you've been thinking
about sharing your DNA surprise on the podcast, please submit
your story. This podcast is made possible by
brave folks who want to heal out loud and help others.
Submit your story at dnasurprises.com/contact.
Second, did you know that the third Thursday of every month I
host a free virtual meet up for the DNA Surprise community?
What started almost two years ago has turned into an awesome
little community, and I'd love for you to be a part of it.
Sign up at dnasurprises.com/events.
OK, one more announcement before we jump into this episode.
As you may or may not know, DNA Surprises is listener supported
and 100% independent. If you enjoy the podcast or if
it has helped you navigate your own DNA Surprise, please
consider joining me over on Patreon.
You'll get early access to AD free episodes, bonus content,
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You can learn more and join the DNA Surprises Patreon community
at patreon.com/DNA Surprises. Thank you for listening, and
thank you for your support. All right, let's get started
with DNA Surprises Season 10. A person needs that information,
whether they're going out and getting it themselves or
somebody sending it to them, they need that for themselves to
be whole inside. I think it leaves a very big
empty spot when you don't have that.
And I think that that's why a lot of us in peas as children
felt that there was something missing.
Maybe not that there was something wrong, but there was
just a piece of them or something was was just a little
off about their life. And I think it's that
connection. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a
podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA
discoveries. I'm your host Alexis, our salt.
In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out
that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal
event. In other words, my biological
father isn't who I thought he was.
Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and
donor conceived people and their families.
Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin
with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises.
To tell or not to tell, That is the question.
In this week's episode, Chrissy shares her long journey to
uncovering her DNA surprise, when she learned that the man
she believed was her biological father is not.
Her surprise didn't start with Adna Test, but with rumors that
she confronted her mother about, which were quickly denied.
Years later, Chrissy found herself staring at a photo of
herself and her two brothers, and that nagging feeling
returned, so she took Adna Test. Chrissy shares how the
revelation affected her and her relationships, and how she
eventually found her biological father, along with a couple of
additional DNA surprises. She also shares why she's made
the decision not to openly discuss the discovery with her
parents. Thank you for sharing your
story, Chrissy. My name is Chrissy and I am 41
years old and I am from the Midwest.
It was a very long drawn out process but I did find out, I
believe it was in 20, 14 that my father was not my father and I
actually met him over the phone when I was 39, which would have
been 2022. There's some time that went by
before I was comfortable, but the very first mention of the
possibility of a paternal surprise was when I was 18 and
and was quickly disregarded by my mother.
I had been spending some time with guy that I, I met through a
friend, and it turned out that this guy was actually a cousin
on my dad's side. My dad's mom actually had 11 or
12 other siblings. So there's quite a few people in
our town that I'm related to on my dad's side that I might not
know if they had a different last name.
A lot of them had, you know, the same last name that I was used
to. So I kind of grouped them
together, but this was kind of a one off.
But we had went, this guy and I had went to his aunt's house and
she said, oh, you're so and so's daughter.
He's like, you guys are cousins. And they made some comments and
talked about my dad. But before I left, one of the
ladies, I heard her make kind of an off the cuff comment about,
well, it's not really your dad, so she's not really related.
This was the very first time I'd ever heard anything like that.
I didn't react in that moment. I kind of just rolled with it
and took it for what it was. But then internally, of course,
I was losing my mind and I made my way directly home to my
mother and repeated what had been said to me and she outright
denied it. She kind of flipped the blame or
or tried to flip it a little bit, indicating that that part
of the family had some hard feelings against her.
My parents that raised me had actually separated and
ultimately got a divorce when my mom was pregnant with me.
I've always known that that was something that I've.
I've grown up knowing and it was kind of put on that my dad had
gotten a little bit too entrenched in his alcoholism and
my mom didn't want to be there anymore.
I don't really know. I never was told what transpired
to get them reunified, but as long as I can remember, my
parents have lived together as husband and wife.
So legally they got divorced when she was pregnant with me,
but they've lived together as husband and wife as long as as
far as my recallable memory will take me.
OK, so he he was your dad as far as you were concerned.
So you hear this, that he's not your dad, just kind of an
offhand comment. You confront your mom and she
says. That's absolutely not true.
They're just they're being salty about the past and, and it's
kind of a move on type of situation.
We didn't go further into the conversation and and I took her
words for what it worth. I mean, the that side of the
family can be kind of dramatic. So it wouldn't surprise me if
they would hold things against people from a long time ago that
might might not be true. So I took her word for it and I
I really didn't allow myself to entertain that idea for quite a
while after that. So then you pushed it from your
head and then you said in 2014, is that the next time that this
really comes up for you or did anything else come up before?
In about 2005, I believe, I had been married and had two
children of my own. And my husband at the time had
deployed a couple times and was using drugs, and there was
infidelity. And it just wasn't a good
situation. And so I found myself doing the
same and kind of seeking outside attention.
And I also found myself pregnant with someone else's child.
And there was a moment in time where my husband and I had
talked about potentially doing exactly what happened to me,
raising this child as our own and kind of putting this third
person out of the picture. And I talked to my mother about
this. I reached out to her and I
expected more, I guess harsh criticism about my choices.
The person I'd been with wasn't a good person just to start
with, though that was kind of the problem in itself.
But she was very forgiving and told me oddly many times that
this kind of thing happens far more than you'll ever know it.
It happens a lot, Crystal. This is something that happens a
lot. That would just felt weird to
me, but at the end of the day I just.
I couldn't get past this idea of devoid a child from their
paternal side. I couldn't.
There was no part of me that could do that.
The baby was never born, so we never had to deal with any of
that. But I wasn't willing to hide
that truth from a child. But the fact that my mom was so
open and accepting never left my memory and I held on to it until
I moved back at the time in 2005, I lived in Colorado
Springs on a on a Army base. And then I moved back to the
Midwest and I found myself returning to some familial
relationships and growing comfort in a couple of those
relationships and bringing up that topic, bringing up the
weird way I felt and and why I didn't think it was right.
I didn't necessarily put the words out there that my dad's
not my dad, but I kind of implied like maybe there was a
reason or or do you know why she would say something like this?
And eventually there were two separate family members that
confirmed that it was a possibility that someone else
was my father to the extent that they gave me first name, last
name, even a nickname. So I had all the information.
I was told that that I had sisters that look like me.
And it was kind of devastating. But at that point, it was still
just a rumor. To get all that information, to
get names and everything. How did you feel to think about
the fact that people knew something and you didn't know?
I felt sick kind of that people would know this thing about me
or or you know, at least these family members that were close
to my mom at one point in time. It just made me feel kind of
uneasy about a lot of things. Just that they would even think
that even if it's not true, if they would, they would share
that or spread that rumor. In my mind, I think that I gave
a little bit too much grace to the situation, thinking, you
know, my parents were separated, Maybe my mom had a fling and
people are assuming that this is the reality or, or they've
jumped to conclusions when they saw her with this person.
I know that I'm a naturally very flirtatious person.
I grew up with my grandma in bars as a child, which is not
the greatest place for children, but she was very flirtatious as
well. And so I, I assumed my mom was
the same way when she was around men.
So I thought maybe part of me thought maybe that's what it
was. It was rumors and it was not
factual information, But I, I continued to, you know, take in
the information as it came. I didn't necessarily pursue or
seek out information and I didn't even consider DNA until
2014. And in 2014, I had gotten
remarried and we got back our wedding pictures.
And one of the wedding pictures I printed off for my office was
of me and my three brothers. What I believed at the time were
my two full brothers and my 1/2 brother from my father's first
marriage. But when I looked at the photo,
I kind of got stuck because the three of them look just like my
dad. I mean, they're just carbon
copies. They've got slightly different
hair colors, but their their eyes and their face and beyond
the picture, their voices are, are my father.
And I don't necessarily look like my mother.
And so I obviously didn't look like my father.
And that's kind of what triggered me at that time.
And I coincidentally was working with a woman at the time who was
big into genealogy. And so I shared my story with
her. And she also happened to have a
daughter who was dating my brother's oldest child.
And she had him submit his DNA on ancestry.com.
And she had built his family tree based on the information on
there and what she had known. And she said if you want to rule
this out, this is this would be an option for you.
Nobody would know. You could just put your DNA out
there and if they're related to you, it's just, you can, you can
push it under the rug and, and know that it was just a rumor
and move forward in your life. And so eventually that's what I
did. I got the DNA test and I
submitted it. And I knew that there were at
least two people out there that that would show up in my
immediate family if if my dad was my dad and they did not.
And that sucked for a lack of of better words.
Yeah. Take me through seeing that and
getting those results. I think that a larger part of me
than I than I realized was hanging on to the hope that it
wasn't true. I don't know.
I just, I thought that I was similar enough to my father in
in personality, whether he looked like him or sounded like
him, that we had so many characteristics that were in
common. They would just outrule all of
the suspicions or or other possibilities.
And so I was kind of living in this, I'm going to prove
everybody wrong mentality. And when that didn't happen, I
just, I was lost. I didn't know who I was.
I didn't know what was true anymore.
I didn't know anything. It was a really unfortunate time
for me and it wasn't something that I was comfortable
approaching my parents with, but I did talk to my brothers about
it. My oldest brother from the
previous marriage did confirm that this was something that he
had known. But the other two brothers kind
of gave the the responses that I hear a lot of people give that
first of all, it's the non belief, but then second of all,
they gave the, well, you know, he raised you and he loved you.
And, and to be honest with you, I probably got the best version
of my dad. My brothers and my oldest sister
didn't really get a great dad out of him.
I'm a daddy's girl and I'm 41 years old and still, you know,
he comes over bright and early in the morning to let my dog out
when I'm gone. So I think that they wanted me
to feel like that was the most important and that was all that
mattered. But they still had the non
belief. So I had one brother who
submitted his own DNA and thought he was going to disprove
my theory and unfortunately he further proved it was correct
when he showed up as 1/2 sibling.
But I still never got the responses from them that I
anticipated. What did you anticipate?
I just, I don't know. I thought, I thought that they
would understand that that hurt, you know, that I was grieving
this life that wasn't mine anymore.
I guess I just expected them to, to somehow be able to better
understand. I now know that this is just not
a situation you can understand. You can't put yourself in
somebody else's shoes because you don't know until you're
there. And then not everybody responds
the same way. Not everybody finds out and
wants to know more. Not everybody wants to go down
that path at. This point you'd been navigating
it for 15 years more. Yeah, something like that.
Like that. It had been.
It had been a long while. And so, yeah, so that's a long
time to kind of sit with this information and kind of push it
away and then to finally get that confirmation.
And. And you're right, people don't
mean to invalidate, but ultimately that's kind of how it
feels when somebody's does feel like your dad's still your dad
and that kind of thing. What happens next?
Is it going to your parents or is it researching the family?
It's not. So what happened next was not
really something of my own doings.
I have not at this point. I still have not since I was
that 18 year old girl. I have not approached this with
my parents. I have not talked to my mom or
dad about the situation at all. And I have no intentions to.
I'm, I'm making choices right now in my life that if they just
opened their eyes, they could see.
So I'm I'm not hiding everything, but I'm also not
taking that step. And that's, that's partially
fear of losing my dad, you know, I know he's loved me and he's
raised me and I've been his child for 41 years.
But I also know his personality and I don't want to risk losing
him. So I'm not pulling that card
anytime soon. But the next thing that happened
for me was kind of unexpected. I had been at a family event and
my grandpa, my mom's dad, pulls me aside and he asks me, you
know, hey, I, I heard you submitted your DNA.
Is there a reason that you did that?
I immediately assumed that he, he knew what I was searching
for, but I wasn't ready to approach that with anyone.
So I kind of played it off like my children, we're curious.
And so we all just took it to see who was what.
But then he goes on to tell me that he too has submitted his
DNA and he saw that one of my grandchildren, one of his
grandchildren linked up with me on on Adna site but did not link
up with him. Which could only mean that that
my cousin's dad has the same DNA, but I do not.
Which ultimately means my mom's dad is not her dad.
And I told my siblings that and I got kind of the the same
response. I wasn't ready to say anything
to my mom. OK, so for people that are
listening who maybe didn't quite follow, so your mom is also an
NPE. She is.
And you discovered this because your grandfather, your maternal
grandfather took a test and connected with your uncle's
child, saw that connection, didn't have the connection with
you. And so the only place where it
could have broken would be your mom.
Yes. Yep.
OK. Wow.
What did you think of like, learning that, that your mom
also has this experience? Maybe she doesn't know about it
yet, but she's in the same space.
I mean, there's kind of a, a little, there's a bit of a jerk
inside me that was like, ha, ha, ha, your mom lied to you too.
That's just terrible to say. But it's, that's where I was.
But at the same time, I wondered.
Is that why she, she was so adamant that this happens a lot
more than you know? Maybe she, she did know, she
just wasn't telling. But as as time progressed, I had
heard stories from her about my grandma.
My maternal grandmother was married like five times.
And I also mentioned that she raised me in bars.
So she was a barfly. I have a whole extra grandpa
even though my grandma was married from from our time in
bars and I still to this day call him grandpa, so that's the
kind of woman she may have been. Yeah, OK.
Yeah. How did your grandfather take
this information? Did he know or was he completely
surprised? I kind of tried to play off the
situation like maybe it was a fluke or maybe we weren't all on
that same website because he wasn't sure if my link to this
cousin was on family tree or if it was on Ancestry.
And so I pretended that I couldn't remember which site my
DNA was on, even though my DNA is on every website.
But I I tried to play it off like like there was a reason for
it other than the obvious reason.
And I, I assume he saw through my, my ploy.
I turned bright red when people call me out, but he never
brought it up again. You know, I still see him at
least once a year and it's not something he's ever brought up
again. But he did intentionally pull me
aside for it. So I, I do think it's something
he's aware of. He just may not necessarily care
at this stage in life. He's adopted some of his
children. He's the kind of guy that just
if, if you're his family, you're his family, whether you're blood
or not. So to him, I don't think it
matters. But I also suspect that by
putting my kids DNA out there that their father is an NPE.
So it's just a vicious cycle of NPS.
Your children's father is an NPE.
Too children's father and there's one more that actually
came of this that's confirmed after I found my bio dad, I
added him and my bio sister on Facebook and I got a call from a
a girl that I used to work with and she said why did you add
her? Do you know her?
And I was feeling particularly honest that day, I guess because
I said, well, actually she's my sister.
And it turns out that this girl that I used to work with, my
biological sister's child, has the same biological father as my
prior Co worker, making my sister's child an NPE.
She's been raised by a man her entire life not knowing that
he's not he's not her father. So seems to be a time honored
tradition you're uncovering. NP.
ES left and right in your family.
Did you ever tell your mom what you learned?
OK Nope. I've I've not told my mom, I've
not told my ex-husband, I have told my children, and I have not
confronted my biological sister about her child either.
I don't know that I ever will. I feel like we've talked enough
about my situation and how it hurt me but if she wanted to
approach it she would. But she hasn't so far.
What do your children think of all this?
I have three children and two of them are older college age, and
they realize that it's a heavy situation.
I think one of them would prefer that I not keep it a secret just
because it's causes undue stress.
I have a really hard time at family events, especially when
there's any kind of reference to having traits from one side of
the family that's not there. And I just, I just struggle and
I, I don't know how to get beyond that.
The other one is he's just more understanding of, of where I'm
at and, and wanting to take my own pace at it.
My other child, my youngest is only 10 and so he's not aware he
has met my biological father, but I introduced him as my
friend. But he's just our friend that
that takes us to lunch every once in a while.
OK, so how did you find your biological father and and what
happened there? So in 2022, I apparently had
been stewing in my curiosity and, and had been on Ancestry a
bunch. And I noticed that my childhood
friend had put a post on Facebook about something to do
with forensic DNA and finding, finding people and stuff, like
stuff to the DNA research effect.
And she so she was just trying to get further in that field and
trying to learn. And so I sent her a message kind
of explaining my situation, saying, Hey, I would love, I
would love to just know what these people look like.
You know, I, I like a lot of people.
I want to, I want to look in the mirror and see somebody that
looks like me. I want to know where this, this
little baby butt chin I have comes from.
And I let her know I didn't want to, I didn't want to cross any
lines, right? Like I didn't want to disturb a
family I didn't want, I didn't want to be a problem.
I have I literally just wanted I heard I had sisters.
I want to see what these sisters look like.
Do I look like them? You know, and she did not
listen. She, she reached out to
everybody and, and their dog that she could trying to find
this man. And ultimately in November of
20/22, she put me in contact with him on Facebook at which
time he said, hey, I would love to chat with you if you want to
chat. This is my phone number.
And so I called him and the conversation did not go as
expected. I spent a majority of the last
10 years feeling like I was this unwanted thing, all the while
trying to like make myself good enough for this family to want
me. So trying to get all these
achievements and do all these things to make myself lovable, I
suppose. But then I I talked to him on
the phone and he knows my full name and he knows my date of
birth and he knows that I'm an exact age at that time that that
he was when I was was born, making him pretty darn old, 16
years older than my mom. He asked about my brothers and
he knew their names. He asked about my father's
business and how it was doing. And he just knew all these parts
of my life that, that I, I didn't, I didn't even know how
to respond. I didn't anticipate any of that.
I just, I thought I was this, this bastard child that he
didn't want And, and I got stuck with my parents.
Not that there's anything wrong with my parents, but you know, I
just, it was that feeling of unwant, unloved, and then to be
to find out that I wasn't unwanted.
And my sister apparently had been pushing him to to find me
and to reach out to me after his wife passed away once it was a a
viable option for them. But he didn't want to do that.
He didn't want to cross that line.
What's the back story? What did he tell you about his
relationship with your mom and how did he know about you all
these years? I didn't ask too many details of
him. I did ask a few things and then
I asked a couple more relatives who would have been present in
my mom's life at that time to kind of get a a more outsider
perspective. But from what I gather, my dad
was married, bio dad was married, had his own children,
and him and my mom sort of started seeing each other.
So so almost dating one of my uncles kind of implied that my
bio dad had either been separated or had indicated he
was separated from his wife. But at the end of the day, when
my mom got pregnant with me, it was you get to keep your wife
and children or you can go and be a father to this child.
And he opted to stay with his wife and children.
And the wife was my sister indicates that that his wife,
her mother was very adamant that he never have anything to do
with me, never speak my name, no conversations about me were to
be had. 1st, I just, I want to say like, I'm, I'm so sorry that
you've been going through this for so long.
That's really hard to kind of have somewhere in your mind sat
with this information as you connect with him and you you
connect and you're like learning more pieces about yourself.
Did you find yourself wanting to pursue a relationship with him
or where did you kind of land? So I, I do talk with my bio dad
and one sister every morning we text.
It's this the first thing why my bio dad lives in another state.
So he texts me every morning about 4:15 and and my sister's
not shortly after that because she's close to him.
But we do talk every day and when he'll come through where I
live once a year goes to up to see his sister.
So he does drive by and it I have seen him one other time
under very unfortunate circumstances.
So last March my bio sister actually commits suicide.
I had didn't get an opportunity to meet her.
She was not interested in knowing me.
I'm so sorry. My oldest sister has the same
name as a half sister I grew up with.
So I have two sisters with the same name, one that doesn't like
me and one that's from my biological side.
And she's the one that was encouraging him to reach out and
to find me and, and she did find me on Facebook.
The other one is the one that wasn't interested, didn't want
anything to do with it. She was aware that that we were
in contact and that I had found my bio dad and bio sister, but
she just wasn't interested. But I don't think she was
participating in in life much at all at that point.
So it was just just before my 40th birthday actually, that I
went down to where she lived and attended her funeral, actually
meeting a lot of family members for the first time.
And apparently I, I have some resemblance to her, which was
kind of awkward at the funeral to meet someone for the first
time that looks like someone in your mourning.
Those are hard circumstances. I think that's the biggest
struggle for me at this point is I'm, I'm angry that I was not
allowed that opportunity to establish a relationship when it
was when it was possible. I don't know the entirety of the
circumstances other than the wife's wishes, but I can't
fathom not wanting more people to love your children or having
your child become 18 and allowing them to repeat this
incorrect medical history and things like things like that.
I just, I don't know, you can't. I can't get that time back.
Right now, you, you mentioned that you, you don't want to push
too hard for answers and, and you mentioned doing all of these
things to make yourself lovable, which of course you're lovable
without doing all of those things.
Oh, thank you. Why do you think that you're
hesitant to ask your bio father for more details?
Is he resistant or secretive or? No, he's not.
He's not been resistant or secretive.
He's been very open. I I would say that the problem
probably just comes in my personality is I don't
communicate a lot. So it's very easy for me to keep
this a secret because I internalize 99% of my thoughts
and feelings. I wonder things, but I don't in
many regards in life. I don't take it to the next next
step and ask questions. I think part of that is
unrelated childhood trauma that that has carried on into
adulthood. It probably plays into that good
enough factor as well. But I'm just not, I don't, I
just don't have the personality and I don't know that it it
changes anything. That's valid.
Yeah, that's not gonna, that's not gonna fix the relationships
that I didn't have. And so I think my approach at
this point is get where I can with the way that I am now with
my bio family and maintain the rest of my family as best I can
while while keeping a secret without losing my mind.
You mentioned earlier that if your parents maybe open their
eyes or looked a little closer, that they might realize that
there's a shift from some of the choices that you have made.
Can you talk a little bit more about that and what you mean by
that? I can give you a very specific
example. Not only do I have biological
relatives on Facebook, but I have contacts saved in my phone
very specifically and a lot of my contacts, regular contacts.
I actually have photos. So the photo that that pulls up
when my bio dad calls is a picture of me and him and my my
sister. Same with my sister.
It's a picture of her and her husband that shows up.
So we very recently made a trip out of town, me and my mother to
attend a medical appointment for myself.
And both on the way there and on the way back, I received a text
message from my bio dad and my bio sister.
And they pop up great big on the screen.
You know that smart cars do or whatever.
And it it not only says his first and last name, but it's
got his nickname there too. And the picture of the three of
us and she had to, there's no way to not see that if, if maybe
she saw it the first time on the way down and questioned if she
was seeing things, she had to have seen it and known on the
way back. I know that they pay attention
to the the things that people are saying and doing on
Facebook. They can be nosy people.
I know that they had to have seen.
And his nickname is not a common nickname, so it's not like he's
going around commenting on my stuff, just with a name that is
an average Joe name. I don't know at this point if
she's just being blind to it, doesn't want to know, is living
in denial, or just doesn't want to acknowledge the possibility.
Is it something that you would like to talk to her about?
I don't know because I don't think I would be very nice about
it and if I'm being honest, I I think at this stage I would be
rude. I had at one point in this
journey my sister I grew up with.
I ended up in a drinking establishment where she had been
for quite some time. And I was forewarned by another
person to stay clear of her. And I quickly realized that she
intended at that at that time to to kind of break the news to me
and tell me something to hurt me, you know, tell me about my
bio debt to hurt me. But I flipped it on her and, and
I, you know, I brought it out and I said mean things.
And I'm afraid that I would do that same thing to my mom.
And neither of them deserve it. You know, I don't deserve to be
in the spot that I am. But at the same time, you can't
make somebody feel worse about something that they probably
felt bad about for a long time. I imagine there had to have been
a time when she felt bad or or regretful or sorry or some some
emotion about the choice that she made that prevented me from
having the relationships I could have had.
Is that where the bulk of your anger comes from?
Is those the mistime? I think so.
It's the mistime and it's the the people that I could have
known and didn't get a chance to know.
And even for her side of the family, like not knowing if she
has other, she already has a lot of siblings, but maybe she has
more siblings out there. Maybe there's more family and we
live in a small town. You don't do those things in
small towns cause bad things can happen.
Did you learn anything about your family history that was new
to you, like culturally or anything like that?
I have this blonde hair here that I lived in perpetual fear
that would turn brown because my mom's hair turned brown and my
dad's hair, that dad that raised me's hair was brown and my
siblings hair all darkened. And so I was just waiting that
for that day and it and eventually whether it's funny or
not, became a phobia. Like I legitimately in the fall
every year would look at my roots and see if it was turning
brown yet. But now I know I'm Swedish and
my dad and my sister still have light hair.
You know, I've got the butt chin that I've got and there's not
been any health concerns really. My sister who passed away may
have had some similar health conditions that I have, but
nothing alarming. I just don't.
Now when I go to the doctor and they asked me to confirm my
family history, I just tell them to delete it because I don't
know at this point in life what's what's true and what's
not true. So I'd rather have nothing out
there than false information. Sure.
You mentioned that you've internalized a lot of it and
that's kind of the way that you've you've processed this or,
or dealt with it is internalizing it.
How are you moving through as you deal with this?
You know, on your own, so to speak, what resources are
helping you? So I do have a therapist that's
that's pretty new. She's not doesn't specialize in
the NP ES, but she is very understanding and and so far she
seems to have the capacity to to understand and comprehend how
that would impact a person. So I think that's beneficial.
I have no problem talking to strangers.
It's just the people close to me that I struggle sharing any news
with good or bad. I write.
I like to write as well, so I've considered different different
options for writing maybe a book at some point in time, but it's
just getting it out and putting it on paper.
Sometimes is a is a nice way to relieve my my thoughts and
anxiety and then I can let it be.
When I put it down on paper, it's gone and I can shred it and
I don't have to worry about anybody knowing.
Yeah, that's definitely a good thing for people to remember is
that you can write it down and you don't have to keep it.
It's just getting it out of your system.
Yeah, you get it out. You don't have to let anybody
read it. It's just the the process of
getting it out is. So half the time that's all you
need to do, get it out. Yeah.
How has uncovering so many NP ES around you affected you?
Has it normalized it for you in some way?
Is it disturbing to you that there are so many?
It's pretty disturbing. With my ex-husband, when I very
first met him, he told me that they had joked when he was a kid
that somebody else was his dad. And then I started to kind of
look at him and his sister and his dad and realize that, well,
you know, it might not be too much of a joke.
That's a that could be a reality.
And then the same for my mom. You know, they've had the
rumors, but I was pretty shocked to find out about the biological
sister and, and my own mother. That one's kind of floored me
and just made me wonder about the honesty of people in general
and, and if they have any idea how that impacts or can impact
the, the children that they're hiding their secrets from.
I know some people. Take it really well and and move
forward just fine, but some of us get get lost out there and
don't know who they are anymore and and kind of have to start
fresh rebuilding that that sense of self and who am I?
If I'm not that, who am I? Yeah, Yeah, that's a really good
point. I mean, everybody does does deal
with it differently. I wanted to just go back and
acknowledge that you were faced with the same choice at at a
point in your life and you made a different decision.
You know your your plan was different.
Did that situation give you empathy for your mom, or did it
make it even harder for you to understand?
It made it even harder for me to understand, not even just from
the child's perspective, but from the man that I was with.
Although he was certifiable, I couldn't fathom keeping that
child from him. You know, not letting him know
what achievements they've made or what they look like or what
their favorite color. I can't imagine not sharing that
with someone that that they're biologically connected to.
Sadly, it's kind of similar to my older children and their
father. He's been inactive in their
lives for several years and I still, even though they're
college age, I still send photos and, and let him know how
they're doing because I feel that that's just something they
biologically deserve to have that information.
A person needs that information, whether they're going out and
getting it themselves or somebody sending it to them,
they need that for themselves to be whole inside.
I think it leaves a very big empty spot when you don't have
that. And I think that that's why a
lot of us M PS as children felt that there was something
missing. Maybe not that there was
something wrong, but there was just a piece of them or
something was, was just a little off about their life.
And I think it's that connection.
What is next for you? What do you hope for in your
relationship with your bio dad? I just would like to continue to
to know him as long as I can. He's older now.
He's he'll be 82 towards the end of this year.
I kind of look up to him. He's older and probably in the
best shape of his life. I'm kind of envious of that.
He gets up and goes to the gym every morning at six and
volunteers, which is something that I do a lot of and and
nobody else in my family did. So it was very interesting to
find that he does a lot of the similar things that I do and has
similar interests that I have. So I hope to just continue to
grow on those. I would like to further my
relationship with my sister. I mean, we, we talk everyday,
but it's still a very surface level relationship.
And so getting to know her on a more personal level level where
she might feel comfortable telling me about her daughter
or, or about other things in her life that have happened.
I would, I would like to have that and to not feel awkward at
family events and maybe work on my, my, my relationship with my
brothers unintentionally, you know, we've distanced and I
think it's, it's because of the reactions I got and how that
felt. And I now I'm now aware that
that's not their fault. They did not do anything wrong,
nor did I. But there's no reason we can't
have our same relationship we had before.
We're, we're still siblings whether we're full or not.
So I think it's just it's rebuilding those and furthering
what relationships I can on the paternal side.
I want to thank you for coming on the podcast and talking about
the fact that you have decided not to talk about it with your
parents. And I think it really goes to
show that everybody's reaction and what they do with this
information is their own. Of course, you know 10 years
down the road you could totally change your mind and shift or
not, but whatever decision you make is yours and this happened
to you. Thank you.
I appreciate that. It's just a long drawn out
process and I don't know that that was the best way to go, but
I know that that's the only the only route I could have taken.
What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna
surprise from their child? To to just don't, I mean, I
understand it at a very early age maybe or if there's
something inappropriate with the parent that that it's best to
not share that information. But I think ultimately every
child has a right to know that information a a right and a need
from a reality standpoint. And they they could hook up with
the wrong person or a medical standpoint that they might be
more at risk for certain things. And, and so you're not doing
anyone a favor by keeping it a secret forever.
You're just making it harder. And what advice do you have for
someone who just uncovered Adna surprise?
The piece of advice is not making to tell people not to
feel bad if they if they go too fast or if they go too slow,
because everybody's going to have their own pace and, and
things are comfortable for different people at different
times. Or, or maybe they're never
comfortable and that's just how it is.
But don't put too much weight in what other people are doing.
You have to do what's best for you when it's best for you.
Chrissy, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and
sharing your story. I wish you the absolute best as
you just continue navigating this.
And I hope that you have many more years with your bio dad to
try to make up for lost time. I always say there's there's no
making up for lost time, but you can build a beautiful
relationship in in the time that you have I.
Hope so. Thank you.
Thanks again to Chrissy for sharing her story.
If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please
submit your story at DNA Surprises. dot.
DNA Surprises was her next time. Produced and edited by me,
Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.