My mom was never honest with me. I always knew I was different
growing up but I didn't know my dad was not my dad.
I never knew that. I was always told I look like
his sister. I knew I'd never look like her.
I had brown hair, curly hair, I have freckles, I have a lot of
emotional anxiety and I have pseudo seizures.
That all runs on my bio dad's side of the family.
And she would have been honest then.
I could have got help when I was younger.
And now I've went 20 years without having those pseudo
seizures and now I'm back to having a my younger brother.
He always knew that he had a different dad.
And he's last time he seen his dad, he was four.
When he was 17, my mom helped him find his dad.
I went with him to go see his dad.
I was 18, he was 17, and my mom still never said anything to me
about my stuff or when I was pregnant with my second
daughter. She never told me when my Colton
started doing 23. I mean, she never said a word.
Never. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a
podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA
discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.
In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out
that I'm an N P/E, a person who has experienced a non paternal
event. In other words, my biological
father isn't who I thought he was.
Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and
donor conceived people and their families.
Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin
with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises.
After Adna surprise is uncovered, many moments from the
past come into focus, especially moments that in hindsight or
missed opportunities for parents to tell the truth.
In this week's episode, Christina shares how she
uncovered her DNA surprise and how she's feeling about seven
months into her discovery. She discusses how she's
struggling with feelings of anger at her mother, especially
when she reflects on times when her mom could have disclosed the
truth about who her biological father was.
Before we begin this episode, I want to note that there is a
brief discussion about child sexual abuse that may be
upsetting to listeners. If you want to avoid this
content, I've included timestamps in the show notes.
Thank you for sharing your story, Christina.
I'm Christina. I'm from Texas and I'm 45 and I
was 44 when I found out. It's only been six months, my
son, he is now 17 and 2022 he would finally talked us into
letting him do adna test 'cause he loves, he loves genealogy.
So we let him do it. And then next year we let him do
the health thing for Christmas. Both of them were for Christmas
presents and he had like 1500 relatives on there.
And for three years we did not know that you can actually
research people on there. It just comes through and says
this is your closest matches, you know.
And then for two years we researched that, 'cause we were
going from the top of the list, 1 by 1 all the way down.
And then this past February, February 24th, 2024, we were at
my dad's house, my birth certificate dad, my dad who
raised me, my my daddy and my cousin overheard a conversation
with some somebody in my son. And she said, why did 23andMe?
Because I didn't think I was part of the family.
So she showed us how to research people.
It still never even clicked that she had family members on there
from my dad's side of the family, and we didn't see that
on my son's 23andMe at all. So they decided that they were
gonna connect. We left there, we come home and
within an hour or two we got an e-mail saying that they weren't
really blood related. So you actually got an e-mail
notification. Through my son's 23andMe.
He was 16 at the time. I'm so sorry.
My cousin in him didn't connect through blood which my cousin is
on my dad's side of the family. What was your reaction when you
saw that? Did you did you see it together
or did your son see it first? I seen it first.
He actually was. My kids were all at my dad's
house, their grandpa's house, staying the night.
So he stayed the night with them and me and my husband.
When I got home, I got the e-mail so I called my dad and by
that time he was already in bed, but he answered the phone and as
soon as he answered the phone I was like hey, Jennifer and
Colton aren't related. What's the deal?
Did my aunt and uncle cheat on each other?
You know, and it's still never even registered to me that night
when I called my dad that my cousin had an aunt and two
cousins, 3 cousins on her 23andMe that I should have had
two. I called my dad and he told me,
Christina, don't open up this can of worms.
We'll talk tomorrow. I'm already in bed.
So I was like, well, what kind of can of worms am I opening up?
So I called my mom because my cousin did it because she
originally thought she was not part of the family.
And I asked my mom is like, hey Jennifer stuff doesn't connect
with Colton. I said how do I call Jennifer
and tell her that she's not part of the family Even though I've
seen on her 23andMe it was still was not connecting my brain that
Colton didn't have any of those connections that she had to my
dad. And my mom told me you're not
going to call her Christina because it's you, it's not your
cousin. She probably told me that like
5-6 times and we were on speakerphone and my husband kept
telling me it's just a joke. You know, your mom's just joking
with you. She's just joking with you.
The next morning, my oldest
daughter brings Colton home. And as soon as he walked in the
door, he said we're not bled with Jennifer.
He already got the e-mail. He already knew.
So he was asking questions. It was hard because then I had
to go out there and tell my oldest daughter before she left,
because all I did when I got up that morning was just stare out
the window in the living room. Just stared and stared and
stared. What were you thinking at that
point? I mean, you, your mom has told
you it's you. It's not your cousin.
Your dad said don't open this can of worms.
And then your son comes home and he says we're not related.
Like what's going through your mind at that point?
I think nothing was going through my mind because it was
like a bomb, a whole bomb that went off in my in my house.
And it affected my whole family, not just me, but my husband, all
six of my kids. Then it affected my dad and it
affected my mom. And then it affected whoever my
bio dad was at that time because I really didn't.
I didn't know. Well my mom told me not to call
my cousin because it was me. She did give me and my husband a
name and I quickly just typed it in and sent it to my husband in
a text. So I did nothing that night at
all. And the next day when I told my
oldest daughter and then Colton, they started researching.
Your mom, she gives you this name.
At that time, did she tell you anything else or did she just
say it's you and here's the name of the man who is your
biological father? Well, she told me that she
thought my dad could be my dad. It could be either or, you know,
she wasn't really sure, but I think she knew.
I think she knew the whole time because she as soon as she told
me not to contact my cousin, she instantly threw out that name.
She knew. She knew my whole life.
Did she seem remorseful or like what was her attitude towards
you when she told you? At first I thought she was
joking. Actually the first night I I
just, she was just joking. She was just joking with me.
But then the next day it got real.
It got real real. So my kids started researching
them. And then I talked to my mom the
next day and she said look and see if there's any of this last
name on his 23andMe. And I looked and there they
were. There was some on there, not
him. It was like a uncle or
something. But it was still the last name.
It was crazy. It was so crazy.
It's still crazy to this day. That was March 24th, 2424.
On the next day was mine and my husband's anniversary, 14th
wedding anniversary. We had these big plans that we
were going to go do any everything and just hang out.
And I couldn't even get off the couch.
I couldn't quit staring out the window.
I was so confused and devastated.
And I still AM. And then my kids start
researching and then one of my daughter's found something out
and she called my husband and she's like, I can't tell mom
this. You have to tell her this.
I have a sister that lived 15 minutes from me for 10 years,
and she was one of the ones that was on the stage when my son
graduated. She picked up his diploma,
handed it to the principal, said his name, and they called him
across the stage. That hurt.
I couldn't go to the store, I couldn't leave my house 'cause I
was so afraid I was gonna run into her 'cause I already knew
what she looked like. But my girls made my husband
tell me, 'cause they just couldn't.
So your. Kids do the research.
They find your sister. Should they find your biological
father? Yeah, they did.
That whole first week, I was in a blur.
I couldn't work. I didn't eat.
I didn't drink anything. My son Colton was making sure
come in there and say, mom, you got to eat, you got to drink
some get up, you got to move around.
He has been my number one supporter outside of my husband
for this and I got a lot of support team, you know, do.
You end up talking to your dad, the dad who raised you and had
told you not to open that can of worms.
I called him the next day and he told me from the very beginning
of the phone call, he said I was going to take this to my grave.
Even though you're my daughter and I love you, I never wanted
you to find this out. He knew.
He knew from the time my mom said this is your daughter
'cause they hadn't been together and 1518 months and you can't be
pregnant that long. So he knew and I'm so grateful
for him. I've always kept him on a high
pedestal because my younger brother is not his either.
But my younger brother grew up knowing that I never got that
chance. I was never told.
Did your parents stay married? Are they together?
Not anymore. They divorced probably about 18
years ago. So I always thought my parents
got divorced after I was born. I have an older brother and then
me and then my younger brother, so I will always assume they got
divorced after I was born. But actually they got divorced
three years before I was born, and my mom just kept my dad's
last name. And then she got pregnant with
me and then she married somebody else and that's when my younger
brother was born and he had a different last name.
And that was her reasoning why I never knew because I had the
same name as my mom, my dad and my older brother.
My younger brother had a different last name.
So that's why I was never told but my younger brother was.
But you said that your mom told your dad that you were his, and
he knew that it wasn't really possible, but he went with it.
So it's not like it was a surprise to anyone except for
you. It wasn't one of those things
where they were like, oh, we thought you knew because we'd
been divorced or anything like that.
Like you were really raised under the idea that that was
your biological father. Yeah, my parents didn't get
divorced till I was pregnant with Colton.
I was in my late 20s when they got divorced.
Did they get divorced and then get remarried and then get
divorced again? Yes.
OK, that makes sense. And you and your younger
brother, do you have the same father or different father?
OK. Different father.
OK, so so you talked to your dad and he said I knew and I loved
you anyway and you're my daughter and all the things that
are really nice to hear, right? What happens Right?
What happens next? Even though my dad knew that I
wasn't his, he was still being respectful of me and told me
that if he would have known who my biological father was, he
would have told me when I was growing up.
So he was respectful and he still did adna test with me
because I just needed it in black and writing.
So of course, the day it comes back, I'm going to my dad's
house and my grandmother's there.
She's 89, fixing to turn 90. And as soon as I walk in the
door, I have to act like everything's OK because can't
say anything to her, she's too old.
I don't want to upset her. And I walk in the kitchen and I
just first out in tears and fall on the floor and my dad picks me
up and hugs me. He said, Christina, we already
knew this. I already told you, he said, but
it doesn't change anything. But in reality, it changes
everything, changes everything. So that was within that time, I
guess like just a couple of days after me finding out, we ordered
the test. We did it.
I found out on February 24th, on March 4th, my girls already had
a phone number, address. I knew I had two sisters, I knew
I had a brother and they're all younger than me.
So I call my bio dad and I wrote down what I was going to say
when he answered the phone. I just couldn't get my words
out. I couldn't.
He hung up on me and I prepared myself for that.
I did. If you got some crazy woman
calling you and she can't even talk hardly on the phone, I
would hung up too when I just sent him a text message and I
said here's the evidence from my son's 23andMe, we've already
connected you with your uncle on Facebook.
We already know all this information and I just sent all
of it to him. Then he started texting back and
by the next day we were talking text message.
Everything was text message. And he did DNA test too on
23andMe and it came back. He was my bio dad.
What was his response once he was kind of confronted with all
the evidence? He knew my mom was pregnant with
me. They lived together for at least
six months, maybe longer. I don't even know.
My mom says they were only together for a month, he says
for six months. So I have no idea.
And they lived together and work together.
My mom did call him after I was born.
She told him that I was born and she told him I was a girl.
He did not know my name. And his response was so I got
two different stories here. A mother says he didn't want
anything to do with me and to never call him again.
His response was he just got married and his brother-in-law
was actually murdered by his ex-wife who asked him to come
over there and see the kids or fix her car or something.
And when he and his friend pulled up, somebody come up and
shot both of them. The friend is paralyzed and the
brother-in-law died so he chose not to come see me.
I don't know what to believe because I wasn't there, but he
always told his family about me or his two wives and his kids.
So was his reasoning that he was like, scared to come see you, or
was it that, OK, OK, he was scared that something like that
might happen to him? Yep, OK.
And didn't want that to happen twice in the family within, I
don't know, months, year, I don't know how long when the
brother-in-law got killed compared to when I was born, you
know, OK, so he chose not to come see me.
And I get that. And I understand that, you know,
but my mom says something different.
And why am I going to believe her when she's lied to me all
these years? So at that point then once he
gets the evidence and then he he's talking to you, he sounds
like he is more open to you and and talking to you.
How does your relationship progress?
We text probably every single day now for the last six months.
He texts with my son Colton. He texts with my husband.
He puts us in Group chats with my siblings and my husband and
my siblings and then or aunts and uncles or grandpa.
So it's a good, good relationship and I really enjoy
him because he likes to tell jokes and that's how we have
connected majorly on a big spot. And his wife is a whole total
different story. So I know I have a sister and
I've met her. Her name is Lindsay.
She the one that lived closest to me 15 minutes away.
She has now got a new job somewhere else and now she's 4
hours away. So that was real tough knowing
that just months after I finally found this or the when I find
this out, within two months she had to tell me that she applied
for a job and was moving away 'cause she got the job.
Which I'm grateful she got the job.
It's gonna be great for her and her husband and her kids.
We keep in contact and then have a sister just turned 30, and my
oldest daughter's 27. So they connect and I know
they've been talking and I have a brother, but he's a little
standoffish. We're in Group chats together.
You know, I've text him a couple of times and he would never
respond. And then the last time I text
him, I told him thank you for the alligator meat that he sent
with Jay for me, you know, and. He's like, you're, you're
welcome. So I finally got a response and
I got all excited. My husband's like, what's going
on? Like I'm excited.
My brother answered me. You know, if you don't go
through this, you don't know. Yeah.
What it's like. You mentioned that his wife is a
different story. So I've met my bio dad twice.
His wife has known about me before they got married.
She knew about me why they were married.
She tells me that she just likes to take it slow and easy and
like if I post something on Facebook I've seen I got to meet
my bio dad you know she doesn't like it.
So she called me one day and she told me that she felt like her
husband was having an affair on her with me.
And to me, that is just so disgusting.
It's so heartbreaking to even tell somebody that it wasn't
like he went and had an affair on her and I came along.
I was probably already at least 11-12 years old before they even
got together. Well, when you're his child,
you're not a mistress or you know somebody that he's having
an impairment, yeah. So I've, I've had a hard time
with that, but I try not to have a hard time because I'm trying
to understand her feelings too. But she's we're all just
different. We just all handle things
different in a different way. This happened so recently for
you, I mean about six months. How has this affected you?
I've. Lost weight.
I have dogs that I have always played with and done things with
and cuddled with and I don't want them around me.
I love to do yard work. I love to plant flowers, I love
to garden. I haven't done any of that.
I love to be outside and I'm a nature person big time.
I want to go walk the trails and go swimming and be a mermaid and
be at the Creek. And I've been swimming 2 times
this year. I've mowed my yard twice this
year. Thank God for my oldest son,
Sheldon. He has taken care of my yard
because I want my yard mowed every week.
I want it to be clean and we need it and just the yard of the
week, the yard of the month. And we don't even have that in
our neighborhood. But I've always been like that
'cause that's just me. It's my nature.
So that has bothered me a lot that I can't do that.
I don't drink coffee, but my husband does.
So I always make the coffee pop the night before for him.
So all he's gotta do is just go in there and push the button,
wait, let's the dogs out. I haven't been able to do that.
I'm not working as much as I used to.
In the beginning, I wasn't. Now I'm gradually getting better
at going to work. I'm gradually getting better at
playing with my dogs and being outside with them and being
there for my kids 'cause this effects all of them.
Now they know that mom has a different bio dad and then they
got their grandpa over here who has unconditionally loved them
no matter what throughout their whole lives and he's even told
me when they were born I never even thought, never even came
through my mind that they weren't my biological children.
Christina and never came through my mind.
My mom is a different story. I'm so angry with her because
she took me. She says she was trying to keep
me safe from my bio dad 'cause she can't give me a reason why
'cause she takes me into my raised dad, my daddy's family,
and there's child molesters in there and I get molested.
So that makes me even more mad at my mom because I don't
understand what she was protecting me from.
From my bio dad but never going to this family.
I was molested by an uncle for two years and then I guess you'd
call him my grandpa, step grandpa one time and she caught
him. She walked in on him and she
moved out. I was like, well, why didn't she
do anything more? She's like, well, I didn't have
evidence. And this is your dad's family?
Yeah. OK.
Wow. I'm so sorry.
So you have a lot of anger because your mom kept you from
someone under this idea that she was protecting you.
But I was getting hurt at the same time.
When I was 17, had my oldest daughter, Caitlin, my mom more
or less took over raising her. When I tried to move out with
her, she wouldn't allow me to go anywhere with her.
I just had to go to the house and see Kaitlyn.
So I swept all that underneath the rug just so I could be there
for my daughter, 'cause if I would have said this or started
argument with her or I'm gonna take her, I feel like I would
have never got to see my daughter.
And I needed my daughter to know that I was there for her.
There's been so many times my mom could have told me
throughout my life, and she never did.
She says that she really believed that I was my dad's.
But I don't know. I just, I don't understand how
she could even think that or feel that because my second
daughter, there was two possibilities to be her father
and her whole life. I've always wondered.
It's always been in the front of my head and she never said
anything when I was pregnant with my second daughter.
She could have told me then. Yeah, 'cause you understand.
When my daughter was 13 or 14, I sat her down and I told her.
I told her the truth. There's two possibilities.
And she was upset and concerned. You know, we talked, but she was
OK with it for the most part because she doesn't have either
one of them in her life because they're not good people.
When my husband came along, that was her dad no matter what.
Now this has come up, I've had three more kids do ancestry.
My daughter Kayla, my second daughter, Her only thing was
that she just wanted to be bio blood with her younger brother.
She wanted to be a full sibling. We got him a test.
It came back that they were full blood siblings and that made my
heart smile so much for her, even though he's not a great
person. But it was just important for
her to have that and I told her. I told her I was honest with
her. My mom was never honest with me.
I always knew I was different growing up, but I didn't know my
dad was not my dad. I never knew that.
I was always told I look like his sister.
I knew I never looked like her. I had brown hair, curly hair.
I have freckles, I have a lot of emotional and anxiety and I have
pseudo seizures that all runs on my bio dad's side of the family.
And she would have been honest then I could have got help when
I was younger and now I've went 20 years without having those
pseudo seizures and now I'm back to having a my younger brother.
He always knew that he had a different dad and he's last time
he seen his dad, he was four. When he was 17, my mom helped
him find his dad. I went with him to go see his
dad. I was 18, he was 17.
And my mom still never said anything to me about my stuff or
when I was pregnant with my second daughter.
She never told me when my Colton started doing 23.
I mean, she never said a word. Never.
Do you have any kind of relationship with her right now
or are you not speaking to her? My mom and I were really close.
I'm so angry with her. I'm so angry with her, and I
don't know how to stop the angryness at all.
I forgive her and I accept that I have a new family out there,
but I don't forgive her for lying to me.
I don't and I'm just pissed off and I don't know how to make it
go away 'cause I don't want something to happen to her and
then I have that guilt when she passes away.
She was honest with me and answered my questions, you know?
But when she calls me, it's a trigger.
When she texts messages me, it's a trigger.
When she sends me a Facebook message, it's a trigger.
There's days that I won't answer or call her back.
I just want to say that it has not been very long for you at
all and however you're feeling is OK.
You know, it's normal to be angry.
It's OK to be angry. You're going through it.
You mentioned that you are in counseling.
Did you start going to counseling as a result of your
discovery or is that something you were doing before?
Because of my discovery. OK.
Are you finding that that's helpful for you?
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. And it took me a couple of
months to find the counselor. There's a church here where I
live at, and I started with just the pastor, but my father in And
the one thing about her, I wanted somebody that's going to
be able to understand what I'm going through because I can talk
to my husband and my kids all day long, but they don't
understand. They don't.
My husband tells me all the time, Christina, at least nobody
died. Nobody died.
I get that. But from the time you're born,
you're taught that one day you're going to die.
So everybody's taught that growing up, but nobody's taught,
hey, what if you find out that you're dad, who raised you,
isn't your dad? Nobody's taught teaches you
that. And that is so confusing.
I'm glad I have the support groups.
I'm glad I have the podcast. I'm glad that I go to therapy.
If I didn't have therapy, I don't know what I would do.
I'm curious, you know, you're, you're really in the thick of it
that that immediate sort of after the discovery, you know,
that first year and feeling the anger and the sadness and
depression and anxiety. Where do you hope that you will
be emotionally five years from now?
I'm hope and emotionally in one year I can get up and realize,
hey, this ain't a dream no more. In five years, I hope I'm back
to normal. I want to go be in the river and
swim and play with my dogs and be there for my kids
emotionally, emotionally. I can't do that right now.
So I'm hoping to do that in the next six months.
But I think I'm giving myself you gotta.
I'm just trying to rush. Yeah, you gotta let yourself go
through it and you'll, you'll get there.
What do you hope for from your relationship with your mom
especially and your bio dad? My bio dad I hope we can keep
continuing being friends and joking around and I've already
met him twice and a sister twice and one sister one and haven't
met my brother yet. I'm, I'm hoping to meet him and
keep doing what we're doing, talking every day and getting to
know each other more. He finally told his dad about
me, so I'm supposed to go. Me and my son Colton are
supposed to go this weekend with him, our first road trip
together, to go meet my grandfather.
I haven't had a grandpa in 24 years 'cause my last grandpa
died. I had a grandmother and she just
died last year, so I'd never got those connections with them.
And it's devastating. It's devastating going to bed
every night and then you wake up and it's like this bomb that
just keeps going off and off and off and off and off.
It just never stops with my mom. I deleted Facebook from my
phone. I deleted Messenger from my
phone. My husband had me put it back on
my phone because I have clients that reach out to me.
I was in a some group chats with my mom and my kids or my aunt.
I got out of all of them. I just can't.
And my mom texts me take a while to answer her back 'cause it it
just, it's just a trigger. I don't, I don't know how to
explain it, but it's just a trigger.
I'm hoping that my mom and I can get back to where we were, but
it will probably never be where we were at all.
Do you hope that you'll be able to move forward with her?
Is that something you want to do?
I hope so. That is something I want to do.
I got to learn to get past this anger I have towards her.
But how do I do that in six months when she hid a secret for
me for 44 years? And then when I call her out on
it or call her to talk to her about my cousin, she jokingly
tells me, oh, don't worry about it.
You ain't calling her because it's you.
Yeah. So I do not talk to her much.
This past Wednesday was my birthday, my 45th birthday, and
my mom called. I did not want to answer it.
I didn't, but I did 'cause I knew it was a birthday call.
It went from a birthday call to an emotional, very emotional
call. There was also six months since
the day I called my bio dad too. All these first they need to
hurry up and get done and over with so I can get past the first
year. My cousin Jennifer has been
awesome. My son Colton and my dad and my
bio dad and my siblings, Well, my two sisters.
One day, hopefully I'll meet my brother in his time and that's
what matters. One day at a time.
Yeah, not rushing nobody 'cause I don't want to be rushed
either. Totally, totally.
What advice do you have for a parent who's keeping adna
surprise from their child? Tell them, tell them, tell them,
tell them, tell them, tell them. They have to know.
My brother knew before he was four years old.
So tell them at 4, tell them when they're 16, tell them when
they're 18. If you're you got one kid and
they're going to help their brother to find their biological
father and you still have that secret, tell them, tell them,
tell them. They have to know.
Especially nowadays because I never ever thought about taking
ADNA test. My son Colton begged us for two
years to let him to take one. Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope,
Nope, Nope. I would not do it.
And I think self consciously I probably always knew, but I
never knew 'cause I never asked questions.
Yeah, 'cause I'm different. Well, and that's a really good
point is that it's not necessarily even down to the NPE
to take it it if their child takes it grandchild, you know,
down the road these things will come up.
What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna
Surprise? Breathe, Take lots of breaths.
Walk in the Nature Journal. Therapy, just lots of therapy.
Talk to your family. Make sure you have a great
support system. I know some of my kids, they
want to support me so bad, but the roller coaster ride is so
upsetting for them and they support me, but from a distant
and I, I get that and I I respect that for them.
You just gotta breathe. Take it one day at a time.
Christina, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and
sharing your story. You have been so brave and
vulnerable and just sharing how much this has affected you.
And I said it before and I'll say it again, I promise you it
will get better. And I hope that you just
continue to move through it and that you get back to yourself,
and I know you will. I will, which is good, one day
at a time. That's right.
Thank you for having me and thank you for having this
podcast 'cause this, it helps. It helps a lot.
Thank you. I listen to you every day while
I'm at work, especially when I have to clean a mirror.
Oh my gosh. 'Cause I cannot look at myself
in a mirror, so I turn you on and I look.
Has I had to had to teach myself how to look past myself in the
mirror so I cannot see myself so I can still work?
Thank you for sharing that. That's why I appreciate you a
lot. Thank you.
Thanks again to Christina for sharing her story.
If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please
submit your story to dnasurprises.com.
If you'd like to support the show, please join me over on
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Until next time. This episode of DNA Surprises
was hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.
It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording
Studios.