Then finally I can't take it anymore.
And I was like, mom, I did ancestry DNA and I know
everything. And she's like, I'm not talking
about this. I'm not.
I'm gonna leave. I'm leaving.
I'm going out of the house. I'm like, where are you gonna
go? It's COVID.
What are you gonna go get COVID? So then she's in the kitchen.
She's like angrily doing dishes. And I walked in and I told her
this one piece of information that we found out in in the
saluting time. And I was like, all right, mom,
the silver lining to all of this is I found out I'm a distant,
probable cousin of Princess Diana and just ridiculous.
And she looked and she looked up, and she was like only you,
only you. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a
podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA
discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.
In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out
that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal
event. In other words, my biological
father isn't who I thought he was.
Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and
donor conceived people and their families.
Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin
with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises.
I've said it before, but it bears repeating.
If we don't laugh, we'll cry. DNA surprises can be gut
wrenching and difficult experiences, but some of us can
find humor in almost any situation.
I first met this week's guest in a peer support group at the
Untangling Our Roots conference and she made me laugh.
Then in this week's laughter filled episode, Lauren Lajudice
tells the story of how she learned she was donor conceived.
Lauren discusses how she never fit in with her raised family,
but was regularly dismissed and gaslit when she questioned why
she looks so different. She shares how she connected
with her donor conceived siblings, her genetic father,
and how things are with her parents today.
Lauren doesn't disguise her journey with humor, rather, she
infuses it into her storytelling.
You can check out Lauren's comedy, including the latest on
her upcoming film, at her website, LinkedIn.
The Show notes. Thank you for sharing your
story, Lauren. My name is Lauren Lojudice and I
am originally from Queens, NY. It's interesting to be on a
podcast called DNA Surprises when like, like, it wasn't a
surprise 'cause like I kind of knew something was up, but then
it was a surprise 'cause it's like I had gaslit myself so much
by then. I was like, Oh my God, I can be
correct 'cause I had told myself so many years that what I think
means nothing, what I'm believe is full of bullshit and also my
intuition is worthless. And so by the time that I got to
adna surprise, I was just like, I'm surprised that I'm not awful
and that I can be right. So I grew up like it was very
obvious that I do not look like my family.
So I grew up in a very Italian American part of New York City.
And I realized as I do comedy throughout the country and the
world that people don't always know what Italian American
means. And Italian American is like if
you look up Godfather or you look up like The Sopranos.
Yeah, a lot of that's accurate. I don't have to tell you a lot
of it. The stereotypes are true.
They are based in something and less and less because more
people have moved to the suburbs and joined a gated community and
learned to golf. But where I grew up is very
stereotypical. Very, very stereotypical.
It's part of New York City, but it might as well have been
Kentucky. No offense.
Kentucky. Love you, Kentucky.
I'm sure there's culture in Kentucky, but let's just say the
most uncultured place of every state, wherever the state is,
I'm going. To get so much.
I'm going to get so much hate mail now.
And also if you are uncultured you're OK.
But The thing is, is uncultured people I grew up with did not
like difference at all at all at all.
They like would abuse, bully, torment anyone who was different
than them. And this is important because
not only was it like they didn't like difference because of their
small mindedness, but also there was an orientation they had to
like this is black and this is white, which is different in how
my genetics work and how my mind works and how my genetic
parentage, genetic paternal parentage and line is because we
are a people of Gray area and comfortable with like not being
totally stable and not knowing the answers to things.
Whereas everyone I grew up with was like either you're this or
you're this. Basically either you're OK or an
asshole. So that all early on like it was
like mind bending how I just my mind literally didn't fit in
with these people. Also I joke about it a lot.
I was very different. I joked that like yes, my
parents got the sperm donation and they just thought oh the kid
won't notice a thing. Meanwhile, they ended up coming
up to my hip and my nickname was Milkman's baby.
So that was all true. People think when I go on stage
and talk about like how different I am than my family
and then about my DNA, surprise, people think, are you just
saying that for the bit? Like, no, because you can't make
that up. It was like me and my dad would
go, I play a lot of basketball because I was tall and like my
dad always wanted to be tall because of his sports career.
And then we were like, kind of, I was reenacting his sports
career as I was going, 'cause he had this tall kid that could
like do well in basketball and worked hard just to like, make
him proud, make him like me. And you were an only child,
correct? Do you have?
I had three kids after me, which made the whole thing confusing.
OK. Did you look very different from
your siblings? Oh my God, totally.
They were like little replicas of my parents.
And then I like come in bumbling in the room like Gulliver
amongst the little little impusions.
And they the thing that they could bank on because they are
again, they're like a black and white kind of people.
And then also they like pray Italian.
And this is not to say they're bad people, because I think this
is an Italian characteristic because I was reading Elena
Ferrante and my brilliant friend, and she talked about
Naples like this expression and this like of disdain that her
brother gave someone. I'm like, that is what my
brother does. So I think there's something of
like this jumping on the weakest link in the room.
And I was always the weakest link because it's not to them.
It's not strong to be like Waffly.
OK, yeah, the black and white going to the black and white
thinking. Yeah, so people would like point
it out a lot and it was, it could made it even more
ridiculous because it'd be like like be walking down, you know,
my family, mom, my dad, and then it'd be like me and then the
rest of them. And and this was just explained
away how because I everybody in our community, when we have
something that makes us stand out, there's always some
grandmother or uncle or someone that's like, oh, you, you got
this from that person. So how did they explain away
your? Yes, they had a few three
different methods because it was so extreme and like a daily
basis kind of thing to deal with.
The first one was my grand, my mother's like I have a picture.
It's your great, great, great grandmother Greg.
You look exactly like her. And I mean, I looked at this,
but I had a better chance of being mistaken for Simone Biles
than this woman. I don't know what they were
talking about. And I outright was like rejected
that I was like that this is bullshit.
Then the she's like, no, but still she dug in.
She dug her heels. The second thing is my
grandfather, now this guy was off the boat from Sicily.
He never graduated high school, but he went to the library like
an MIT research scientist to come up with one fact that he
thought could explain me. And he I was like, yeah, the
Vikings invaded Sicily, of course, of course, 1000 years
ago. So.
It just, it just landed on you. Yeah, and yeah, just that's and
I, I mean, I'm an idiot who I was like literally walking the
streets being like, hi, I'm 100% Italian American, Lauren from
Queens. I know I don't like it, but the
Vikings and this all inspired by the way a movie called,
honestly, a short film that we're now in editing for.
It's very exciting. Yeah, that's because it's so
ridiculous. Like you can't even, I've tried
to show this process to so many people and what it does to
people and like, through stand up, through sketch, through
character clown, I had to, like visually show this.
The third thing they did was they just said it's all on your
head. Oh, full gaslighting.
Yeah, full on gas lighting, it's all you get dramatic.
You think these things are not there, which is super gas
lighting. So it, you know, did not do well
for me. It was not good.
At what point do you then make your discovery and take your
test? Yeah, so I'm like sitting there,
you know, I would like tell people would meet me.
I'd be like, hi, yeah, I'm Lauren, I'm Italian, blah, blah,
blah. You know, I don't really look
like my family. And I think it's because the
Vikings and what we're not sure and blah, blah, blah.
This was like a main through line of my life.
I started doing stand up and actually I did a solo show and
they watched me do a solo show about how they take feelings of
like not fitting in and said nothing.
So I'm still like trying to figure it out.
My therapist told me she was like, you know, dealing with all
this stuff and she's like, you're adopted and now.
And I was like, I don't think so because my mom was pregnant and
she was like, I don't know. I'm just telling you.
I know like families who've kept secrets and there's something
up. Then I got a letter in the mail.
This is as an adult, like I'm trying to still like moving in
the world being like, I am different.
I don't know why it isn't my I'm never going to be able to find
out. The letter said we represent a
birth mother who placed her daughter for adoption.
It was born in the same hospital as you on the same day.
So I'm thinking like, OK, now my mom was pregnant, right?
And like, I don't think my dad was cuckolded because my dad is
my mom is boring. So I think I was thinking maybe
I was switched at birth and then the wrong person was adopted.
So in good faith, I show my dad this letter and I'm like, dad,
don't you want to meet your like biological child?
Because maybe this is it. And he got so angry with me,
like my my girlfriend at the time, she was there at the
dinner when I showed it to him and she was like, I would just
put that letter in a drawer and never think of this again.
So it's so weird in argument, like in these stories, how often
we don't take action. We're like, stymied.
What did you think when he reacted that way and you were
thinking this actually might be the answer to this mystery and
then he completely dismisses that.
So how did you feel? I just felt really frustrated
that they were that he was being shady and that frustrated.
It's like, I know there's something, there's no way.
And I'm like, should I get a detective to like get my dad's
floss? Thinking this, I didn't know
what to do and all along these DNA tests have been coming out,
but I never put it together that this could be the answer.
Like I never dreamed that that could be like, why would the
like an ancestor DNA test? That's like what people do to
like do their family tree and all that stuff.
I never put it together. It's like, it's like the answers
are literally like you're saying it's right there and we ignore
it. We ignore it in this in this
way, our mind is trying to just keep us sane.
It's like the movie when you watch the movie and you're like,
don't do it, you idiot, you idiot.
And it's like, well, denial's date, it took me months to call
these people and I finally call them.
And then they're like the birth mother found the person they did
adna test like they're a match. Then I was like, fuck.
So not knowing what's going on, not knowing what's going on.
And then someone, a friend tells me they do their ancestry test
and and they're like, oh, I found out on this.
And that I'm like, oh, maybe this could be it.
So I get it, the results and they were confusing because my
mine were from like Italy and England but my brothers like I
looked at his his was from Sicily and Greece and I was like
but do these tests even measure anything like are they accurate?
So then I posted them on Facebook and my mom was in the
comments like end this shit. Now again, I should have been
like shady. It's so shady.
They're so defensive, so defensive.
They want and even I had asked my dad during that time, why
don't you just do? Why don't we just do adna test?
Because maybe we are like, maybe it's switched to birth.
Don't you want to know? No.
And she was afraid of what other people would think if I posted
stuff like that because I am making other people judge her.
I ignore the time I put it away again in the movie.
You're screaming, you idiot. How?
No. Could you?
I I can imagine being in a script meeting where they would
be like, but no person in the world would let those results go
by. Yes, they would.
And they do absolutely all the
time. All the time.
So yeah, I have all these DNA matches that don't make sense.
And I'm like, this thing is bullshit and I ignore it for
like 3 years. And I would talk about this.
I would talk in circles about it, be like, I know that
something's up and something's up and the test and Bah, Bah,
Bah. And no one apparently knew
science or logical deduction because no one could have been
like, see if your dad's cousins are on there.
Like no one had that thought. I finally talked to someone who
did. I mentioned it, PhD in genetics,
PhD. And I was like, OK, you, this is
the situation with my results compared to my brothers.
What do you think? And he's like, I'd look into
that. And I was like, but isn't there
natural variability between siblings?
And he's like, not by that much. I was like, Are you sure?
Like again, I was talking to a PhD in genetics and I'm like
questioning him like, what could it be this, could it be that?
Could it be this, could it be that?
And he said like, I got my I did my PhD thesis in this very
subject and I am telling you that there's something wrong.
I got back from the trip and still waited.
Then like a few weeks later and I'm thinking in my head, I'm
just not ready to do this. I don't know.
I got to figured I need time. So a few weeks after I get back
from the trip, my mom gives me a picture of my godfather who is
tall with fair features. And I'm thinking, OK, maybe
she's trying to tell me on the low like this is my genetic
father and like I don't think my dad could Co called it.
So I will defend myself. I I am defending my mom's honor
by saying this is what I thought I thought and I'm a queer person
so stick with me. I thought that my dad had a
secret bisexual crush on his his best friend, my godfather.
They had a threesome with my mom and then I was eatu Mama tambien
into existence. Oh wow, that is such a story.
Like the narrative. So you kind of made it make
sense, right? Like both of your parents were
there, like they somehow knew it all.
Yeah. For.
Reason it was to help my dad deal with the sexuality is how I
came to be. That's was like the most
satisfying version I could think of.
I love that how much time passed between you getting this letter
from the hospital that's really making you think, oh, maybe it's
a switched at birth kind of thing to now.
Your conception involved a threesome for your dad, who was
confused. I think it was like, like, I
gotta get that letter. It might have been like three
years, four years. Yeah.
So a lot of time passes, a lot of it's time to kind of create
stories that make this super confusing thing make sense.
In my head, yeah. I was just like, I don't know
what? And then you just, like, keep
it. You're like, I cannot let go of
these stories, so you wait. And then when my mom gave me
that photo, I was like, OK, that the opportunity is knocking on
the door, like, this might be concrete evidence.
So because I knew I had to like get her to talk because if I
couldn't get her to talk or like someone to talk because it was
such a big secret, I was like, I need to sleuth on my own.
Like she gave me this photo and now I need to go all the
evidence and then present it to them and be like, I know you
can't. I know because if like if I am
living in denial, those people forget it.
So they're really attached. So what do you do with this
story that you've invented? Did you actually confront your
parents with it? Well, I actually asked all of
these DNA matches if they knew my godfather because I'm
thinking like he's like a man. Like he's cute.
He's cute. He's around Brooklyn doing his
thing. So I'm thinking he's around
Brooklyn, you know, with all these different people.
And like, I didn't know who these all these DNA matches
were. And then I called Ancestry and
they were like, oh, they're definitely your siblings.
And I was like, 1515 are my siblings.
They were like, oh, definitely. So I, I call, I asked them all
like, do you know my godfather? Like I figured out that my dad
wasn't my biological father, right?
Like this is like a within this mishmash of like a few days of
getting the picture of my godfather because I went on the
computer and I called my brother.
And that's when I was like, let's compare DNA matches.
And I was like, OK, do you see me?
He's like, I see you. And I was like, do you see mom's
cousin? He's like, I see mom's cousin.
I was like, wait a minute, Didn't dad's cousin do DNA
ancestry? And he's like, yeah, I saw him,
right? And here I look him up, my
cousin, my dad's cousin. And then it says they're like
very clearly not related, which means like my dad can't be my
biological father. And how did that hit you once
you realized it? It was funny to see like my
therapist's reaction because it was like 2 weeks in a row where
I was coming and I was like, I think something's up.
I think it's maybe my godfather. I don't know.
It's just so strange how she said this and then she was like,
I never worked with anyone with this before and just keep
present with it, blah, blah, blah.
And then I came in the next week and I was like, I found out.
I found out. And it was like everything we
had been working on in therapy, like improved by like 110%
because it was just like, I went to her being like, there's
something wrong with me and we're going to figure that out.
Yeah. And then all of a sudden I was
like, wait, there's nothing wrong with me.
Like there's nothing wrong with me.
I was being gaslight. So thinking it's my godfather.
I'm still holding on to this thing.
I was like could. Get him OK, It's still him in
your mind. It's still him in my mind
because I'm like, Oh yes, this thing happened and then I'm
going to get to the bottom of it.
I'm holding on to this 'cause I'm like, well, you know,
listen, like he could have had anything with my dad and like
also other people. And then someone in this way,
I'm talking to this sibling pod now we go into a Facebook
Messenger group and we're all trying to like compare
information. And one of them said, my mother
told me that she used a sperm donor.
And I'm thinking like, OK, my godfather broke.
Brooklyn guy checks out 100%. And then at that time, I'm like,
OK, let me try to reconnect with my godfather.
And I sent him a FedEx, which probably got thrown right in the
trash because it was like a FedEx that was like, hi, your
goddaughter just saying hi after all these years.
Hope you're good. He was probably like, oh, this
is shady and like shredded it immediately.
And I didn't have his apartment number either.
So I had to like find his like apartment building and then I
would send the FedEx and it got delivered.
So I don't know what happened. Had your parents like lost touch
with him over the years like. They stopped talking to him when
I was 7. Like when you get a lot of your.
Features Considering that he's your father, right?
Yeah. And it could have been, I think.
Still, I'm wondering what that relationship was like.
I'm like, I wonder if because he and I had similar features that
people raise eyebrows and that's why they stopped talking to him.
But they'll never tell me the truth because even if my mom
doesn't know, like my, my, maybe my, my dad wouldn't even tell my
mom that. And maybe my dad doesn't know it
consciously, you know, like he might have been like, oh, he was
this or that, but like. I know there's always like so
many questions that we end up having, right?
Like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those people who don't really want to fork it over.
So you don't hear back from him. I don't hear back from him.
I'm in this pod group that's like, we don't know who this guy
is. We don't know who your godfather
is. And it's a sperm donor.
And then someone's like, well, my, the doctor told my mom that
he used a Med student's sperm. And I'm thinking like, they
probably all say that they're like, oh, you're trying to make
you feel better. Yeah.
Because at the time, they didn't really, at the time, they
basically just opened up the Med student door and was like, who
needs beer money? Like, that's the level we were
working with. And I wish I was exaggerating.
So one of my siblings took that like, quite literally.
And they were like, OK, let me go check this out.
Let me go ask, why don't I ask all the cousins?
Because one of the cousins might know if there's another cousin
that was in New York as a Med student.
That's like a pretty big thing. Like usually people remember
that like oh, so and so was a Med student in New York.
Like that's something that people will remember.
So he asks them and someone said like, hey, yes, there is someone
in in our family that was a Med student or in New Year's that
you guys were conceived. Let me go ask him if it's OK to
connect you. And then he did, he connected us
and he said yes. And she gave us the phone number
and the name. Now, during this time, like,
this same sibling was like sleuthing like crazy.
And he was like, all right, everyone, like, don't, no, don't
nobody do too much 'cause like, I'm about to crack this whole
thing. And he was like, purely, like,
just innocent curiosity. And I think he has no idea that
like, this could be big for a lot of people.
And in this time, are you feeling connected to the sibling
pod? Are you identifying similarities
between you or what's the nature of the relationship like?
We didn't meet at this time. When I talked to one of my
sibling pods, the one who's doing all the sleuthing we had
had a conversation like the day after I made this discovery
because I he's like, let's talk about this.
I don't know. I keep getting messages from
people. I don't know understand how it
could be connected, so let's talk about it.
So, yeah, when I talked to him, it felt like familiar in a way
because we had said, you know, a lot of our my sibling pod, not
all of us, we have similar minds.
And that's really comforting. And he was so good at like, in
curious minds. And we all have that in common.
And that led him to just like, sleuthing, finding an obituary
connected to a first cousin, getting the family line.
We got the daughter's name and then we found her on Facebook
and like in 45 seconds had pictures of our genetic father,
which was wild. And I was like, oh, I look so
much like him. And a lot of like, questions in
my mind started to be answered. And then I call him and we have
a conversation and he had a dad. He's not my dad, but he had a
dad joke. He was like, tell your mother
she can't get a refund. And then we're just like normal
people. Usually.
I don't wanna say normal, I wanna say non.
Our community, I put that real hard.
Our people in our community are like no.
Yeah, it's a little different. It's a little different.
We understand more they they could just it's funny.
The edge that like is is funny to other people, 'cause there's
stuff that we laugh at that they they have a hard time.
It's it's a different. Sure, 100%.
So you see him, and when you see him, you see yourself. 100% it
was the best moment of my life. I've recorded it because I was
like, I just put like a recording.
I'm like, if this weren't, you know, sometimes recordings will
work. I didn't get crazy with like,
you know, mics. I just like pressed like record
on my Evernote. And I was like, if this is meant
to be, I'll get it. And I'm so glad I did.
I'm so glad it worked because it's the my voice is so happy,
like it's so you can't make that kind of happiness up.
I saw myself for the first time a big case of genealogical
bewilderment. Like I never understood what I
looked like because I didn't understand where I came from or
who was, where are my genetics from?
And so meeting at like, I understood my body in place for
the first time, I was able to understand like how how I hold
myself or I'm like, oh, that's what people see.
Like I never understood how tall I was.
So I was playing small. It's like this weird thing of
like I was just hanging out with some family and I noticed I've
been like working and getting at some of these habits out of like
ways I move my face or my body to like make myself smaller.
And I noticed I started to like almost go into that And I'm like
thinking it's not that they're expecting me to.
They're not like you must act this way.
It's like I'm so, it was so insecure and so uncertain and so
sad and so anxious about who I was that I made myself small
because it was more comfortable. It was more comfortable for
them. Not all of them, but there are
some of them who are like my best friend, I call her yeah, my
one of my best friend, my first cousin and 1st crush.
She was so mean to me. And part of it was because I was
this like tall, skinny bitch. She fucking hated my guts, hated
my guts. She's just like Italian, German
person who was very mad at me. But she was short.
She was always very short. So she was always very mad at
me. And I learned I like your body
remembers that. And just it's like, Oh no, to
now I never want to be big because then people are going to
hate me to meeting Jim was the first step to undoing that.
I was like, I understand what I look like because in my head I
was like this little Italian, like I just didn't understand.
I was just in doing some clown training, which is not actually
like circus clown. It's more of an improvisation
and stage presence. And they just had you walk.
And that was so difficult, not only for me as an MP, but like
so many people in the class, it's so hard to be yourself.
Just The Walking, they would be like, you're moving too much,
like you're, you have a bounce in your ankle and that we can
tell you're hiding. And it was really powerful just
to learn to like how to. And I'm still unlearning like
it's, it's gonna take a long time.
And I feel this stuff is so ingrained, like I'm gonna run
into it continually throughout my life, which is just what it
is. But it's OK.
It's for sure for. Sure.
What happens next in your journey?
Do you confront your parents? So once I, you know, we do, we
meet up with the genetic father, We all have a meet up and we
hang, we hang out with him and we continue to hang out with
him. He came to one of my shows.
He's a crack up. He's so funny.
He's just like a good, good dude.
And yeah, you know, it's, it's like a nice to have a parent who
hasn't had the chance to traumatize me yet.
So that's exciting. Yes.
And and then with my parents, so once I knew like so back it up
to where I had pictures of our genetic father.
Also at that time, COVID was closing down New York City.
And I'm like, oh shit, I got to, I got to hear this from my
mother's mouth. And this cannot be done on a
phone call or Zoom or anything. I have to hear it from her
mouth. So I drove through New York
City, I was like hiding out in Jersey and I drove to New York
City all the way she moved out to Long Island, all the way out
and far out Long Island where she is.
And I was going there knowing this, which is crazy.
Is that which which crazy I say. But like in our community, it's
like norm that my the sibling with all the sleuth who did all
this sleuthing, he noticed we had a common friend on Facebook
and he called the common friend. And he was like, Hey, how do we
both know Lauren? And the common friend was like,
well, you had a mom who'd passed.
And that mom was my best friend, but I had a second best friend,
and that was Lauren's mom. So when he realized that, like,
what he just uncovered, he was like, I'm going to go, why don't
we just keep this between us until this is all figured out?
And then she said, of course, no problem and hung up, then
immediately called my mom, told her everything.
My mom still denied it, still in like that deep denial mode.
And then but at that point though, my mom knew like I knew
she knew that I knew that I knew that she knew.
And so I ring our doorbell and she is nervous and she's just
talking a mile minute and I go in her house and then finally I
can't take it anymore. And I'm just like, mom, I did
ancestry DNA and I know everything.
And she's like, I'm not talking about this.
I'm not I'm going to leave. I'm leaving.
I'm going out of the house. I'm like, where are you going to
go? It's COVID.
What are you going to get COVID? So then she's in the kitchen.
She's like angrily doing dishes. And I walked in and I told her
this one piece of information that we found out in the in the
saluting time. And I was like, all right, mom.
The silver lining to all of this is I found out I'm a distant,
probable cousin of Princess Diana and just ridiculous.
And she looked and she looked up and she was like, only you, only
you. And so I then started reading
her facts. This is the place.
This is the doctor's name. And she confirmed it.
She confirmed it. Then I was like, were you ever
going to tell me? And she was like, not until my
dying breath. Wow.
Yeah. Did she say if your father knew
or was that a question mark for you at that point?
Oh, I asked. I said did dad know?
And she gave me such a look. Of course he knew.
Like don't even try to say OK mom.
I'm picturing Edie Falco, by the way.
Yeah. That's kind of accurate.
Don't even try to say that. And then and then I was like,
what happened? Why did was dad all that time?
Why was he so like defensive? Why was he so defensive?
And she's like, because he knows I would have put a knife to his
throat. That's why.
So all right, Bob, I will protect my daughter till like
dying breath is what she said, which is just, she thought this
was protecting me, covering the secret up for as long as she
could, even though I was an adult and I could handle it.
Since that time she's done good. My mom has like come to my shows
and she's very supportive and like she was afraid of judgement
from some people. But like, times have changed and
people and anything they're like, oh, wow, you did like this
in the early days and like she did it without the hormones.
Like my mom was like ready to get pregnant.
She was like, give it to me, let's go.
And so my mom is like some cred, you know, Now she's like, oh,
what can I say, my daughter? What about what about your dad?
How does he feel about it? Because I feel like there's
shame stigma for men who struggle with infertility.
How does he deal with it? It's hard because it's not.
It's the Italian thing, which is like the Italian whatever.
And then there's, which I don't agree with, but I have to
respect that. That's where I was probably
brought up. Then there's the like Catholic
thing, because the Vatican has come out against sperm donor
kids and everything. My dad was like, damn it, now we
pissed off the Pope. So he just felt like he didn't
really, you know, completely unequipped to deal with both my
parents, completely unequipped to deal with any of this.
No tools, no counseling, no recommendations, no reading
material, no children's books. Like we have so much now.
And it's just, it's exciting because the new generation is,
there's lots of work, but certainly there's some steps
taken. How long were they together
before they had you? They were together I think for
like 3 or maybe four years. OK, so maybe they've been
trying. It wasn't happening.
Then they had you, but then you said after you they have three
more children. Did they have anything to say
about that? I did.
I was like, well, what happened? They're like he had it like some
sort of thing and which I joke about in my show.
Come, come see when I do my hour show, I'm called Misfit Meltdown
and you know that he had some issues.
And so then they thought they could have just like we're going
to have, we're going to just be able to have one with this, with
this sperm donation. It was either the doctor was
like, there's no way either you're going to adopt or you're
going to use a sperm donor. Pick 1.
So my mom really wanted a kid. She was like going to have a
kid. And it like, she was only 26.
But like, Italian Catholics were like, not waiting to 30 to get
pregnant and like, yeah, 80s, nineties, like, that's not going
to happen. Yeah.
So she was very intent on getting pregnant.
My dad didn't like, kind of understand even what was
happening. And it happened.
And then he was, it was put in his face every every day.
Every day. People looked at him like he was
the cuckold. And that was hard for him.
And I told him I knew this. It wasn't good.
It's still not great. It's still like this weird thing
between us. I don't think he's even told his
girlfriend that he lives with his long time partner.
He's still in his. He doesn't want to talk about
it. He does not will not come to a
show anymore. He did not even acknowledge the
fact I was making a movie about this.
And it hurts a lot. It hurts a lot.
And in some ways I'm like, what can you do?
And in some ways, I'm like, you know, I really try to stay away
from like anything of like, it's my fault or, you know, those are
easy to have. Right, right, and.
Comedy helps. Yeah.
Do you feel like he treated you? And it's hindsight's 2020, but
did you ever feel like he treated you differently when you
were growing up? Yeah, I do.
I do. And I think my brother even
noticed it. Like he was like, I noticed.
Like there's a difference of how he even talks about you.
He's really hard on you and it's easy to like, demonize me.
It's better for him to demonize me and make me into a bad person
so that you know if it's always my fault.
You've touched on some of the the comedic relief that has
helped you get through. Can you talk more about that and
and how you've used comedy and art to process this?
So when this was happening, I, I was doing comedy.
I was doing stand up in character as Melania Trump at
this time. And then like that more or less
ended on January 6th. And then because then it became
not funny anymore. And then I needed something else
to happen. And then this happens.
It was like I needed like a new project coming like, and I
remember telling this new sibling, I was like, this is
going to be my life. I know it.
This is going to be a music. Isn't that amazing?
You can help so many people. I'm like, Oh no, no, a frack.
And I just knew this was going to be one of the focuses moving
forward. And so I started doing stand up.
And then I was like working on that and undoing all of this
like stuff. I noticed like I was having such
a hard time talking about it and the ways I was like almost
masking myself. So I was doing stand up as
myself for like a few years, figuring out my voice, you know,
COVID was working itself out. And then I started something
which started as ancestry dot comedy, but I changed it to
misfit variety show. It's a show that incorporates
like stand up storytelling character, often a guest expert
in this like night of like very joyful fun.
And I noticed that people who were attracted to the topic were
misfits. They were like people under like
I was like, oh, this speaks to like something much deeper that
unites a lot of different groups together.
This idea of like not quite fitting in, having this family
that you're not sure where you fit with them.
Like a lot of these things came up.
So I turned it to the miss of variety show because it was more
inclusive of all of these experiences.
I wanted to put in one room. And then I'm working on my stand
up doing a bunch of shows around New York.
And then I'm like, could I do an hour?
And then my friend challenged me like go do an hour.
So I went to Edinburgh last August with an hour called
Misfit Meltdown. And that's still, I'm still
working on that, that's still in development.
And I will be doing that again definitely in Edinburgh next
August and then potentially a few other times.
So that's like an hour where I talk about this and like
identity, queerness, family, community, all in that hour.
That's incredible. That's incredible.
And tell me more about your your film.
Yes, I'm trying to develop something about this
genealogical babe Alderman, and I couldn't figure out how.
I did stand up and I did a clown.
I did so many things and then finally it was like.
I wrote the script in a, in a writing class and she was like,
all right, we're going to work on your short film.
Just like take a moment and think about like writing
something around that. And she gave us a timer, which I
love timers. They're so good.
She gives 5 minutes and then she like, I had to sit there and
write it. And then it came out and it was
about this woman who believes she's a Viking.
She's me if I didn't and have art and in a way to express
myself. She's all in on the Viking.
She but she's like has issues. She's like super gas.
She like lives at home and she is, you know, way too old to be
living at home. And she works at the Viking
Voyage ride and Adventureland. And she then she's goes to the
like Viking exhibit at the Natural History Museum and she's
very like regimen. She just obsessed with Vikings
and thought about like, what if she's about to go discover her
roots and her family's going to like, what's going to happen and
someone's doing a documentary about her and kind of like
realizing that there's more to the story, what's going to
happen? What is she going to do?
Did we explicitly say what you found out that you are?
Oh, we didn't. Oh, so I found out.
So I thought I was 100 like Sicilian and all southern Italy.
And then I found out I'm English.
I'm mostly I'm half basically half English with the sprinkling
of some French and Northern Europe.
Hence the Princess Diana. Hence is.
Princess Diana, Yes. And you said you're in editing
right now. When are you expecting that the
the movie will be out? So basically in the next, I
think 6 months to 8 months, we'll have like a premiere and
then for the next like 2 years I'll be like hopefully knock
wood bringing it around. So I can't wait to see it.
I cannot wait to see it. I can't wait to share it with
you. I think it'll, I hope it's good.
It'd be interesting. I'm definitely going to have to
do a test audience with like community and then a test
audience with like, just like people because it's like a
different experience watching it, I think.
Where would you say that things stand now with your discovery?
Have you made peace with it? Are you still grieving?
Is there still any anger? Where are you at now?
You know, I think it's so hard. Like, I was at untangling at
Roots last year, and I'm like, things are good.
Duh. Yeah.
And then they did a thing. I realized that, like, we were
at the closing ceremony. And I'm realizing that both my
grandmother's, like, my maternal and paternal genetic
grandmother's, both have the same name.
And it made me cry so hard, you know, thinking of like, what my
grandparents would think, you know what, what they say.
I, you know, it gives me comfort to think of like my grandfather
because I know he would have said all the right things.
My paternal grandfather. Yeah, I'm certain of that.
And my grandmother too, but more my paternal grandfather because
I think he had the right idea with how to make people feel
loved. I think that he liked because he
was also grumpy. But if he'd like to, he wanted
you to feel love. So I'm still like going through
that grieving. And yeah, I mean, you think
you've figured it out. And then it's just because it's
so hard. I had to go through.
I went through and told like most of my family.
Everyone knows that, like right before launching, honestly,
crowdfunding, I was like, I have to tell everyone right now
because I wanted to find out for me.
So I would like told a few people, you know, did the calls,
did the message, whatever I needed to do to make sure
everyone heard it from me first. So I'm more out about this than
ever. Like I'm still shy about putting
stand up clips. I think I'm making myself put up
a stand up clip a week about it. So to coming coming, maybe
you'll hate it. It's OK, It's OK.
That's I'm so afraid. Like so so.
Got to put yourself out there, yeah.
I just got to put and then if it stinks, you won't see it because
the algorithm, that's great. Trust.
I know, I know. If people want to follow you and
try to beat the algorithm, what's the best way for them to
find you right? The best way to follow me is to
go to my website, Lauren LOGILOG i.com and there you can sign up
for my e-mail newsletter, which I highly recommend because the
algorithm like will prevent us from seeing each other.
Like let me just follow you is the worst way to ever follow
someone. FYI, the worst I know not
everyone does e-mail if you you Lauren Loji is my tag on all the
things you can find me and all the things in that.
And if you know also when you sign up for my newsletter, you
will get updates on on honestly the film.
Just go to laurenloji.com. All the stuff's there.
I'll include all the links in the show notes too.
Thank you. I want to find you all right.
I ask everyone two questions at the end of every episode.
So the first question is, what advice do you have for a parent
who's keeping adna surprise from their child's?
The one thing I would say is I feel that you're probably afraid
that the kids going to hate you. And that's valid because the kid
might be mad, but the longer you wait, the worse it's going to
be. And they're definitely going to
find out. And if they don't find out when
you're alive, they'll find out when you're dead.
And then they're going to hate you postmortem and you've lost
your chance to like make it right with your kid.
So that's one. And two, this like it didn't
make me like not love my parents.
Like having a third parent in your life doesn't make you not
like your parents. It makes you just like, your
heart expand and you realize like how much more capacity for
love you have. I like, want to tell my dad,
like dad, like, don't worry, there's no chance you could be
anything less than my father than the amount of time I've
spoken about you in therapy. There's no way you're my dad.
And what advice do you have for someone who just uncovered a DNA
surprise? If you uncovered a DNA surprise
and I'd say be patient with yourself, Go sleuth away.
There's a huge community out there to support you.
Reach out to resources. Reach out to community and know
what you need and ask for it and be unafraid.
And maybe you need to leave and come back to it.
That's fine too. Like just take care of yourself.
It's going to be a ride. Maybe, you know, some people
don't. It's like they feel shame
because they're like, I don't know, it's just kind of like a
thing. And I'm like, whatever, like
that's cool. That could be you.
No shame, no shame. You don't have to have any sort
of dramatic experience, but if you're having a dramatic
experience then that's OK too. Lauren, thank you so much for
coming on the podcast and sharing your story.
You share it with such humor, but also realness.
You know there are real feelings involved here and you aren't
covering them up with humor. You're you're just telling your
story. So I can't wait to catch your
stand up and I can't wait to see your film.
I just wish you the best. Thank you too, and thank you for
the work you're doing. You are absolutely like bringing
a change to the community and I just love meeting with you and,
and speaking and with you and, and the group we had.
It was just fantastic. So thank you for all of it.
Thanks again to Lauren for sharing her story.
If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please
submit your story at dnasurprises.com.
And remember, for early access to AD free episodes, join me
over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises Until next time, This
episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by
me, Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.