1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:03,800 You're listening to the Bridgetown Church Podcast with 2 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:06,840 Pastor Casey Kendall where our vision is Jesus, our mission is 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,760 people, and our cause is love. Thanks for tuning in. 4 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:14,000 Let's dive in. Second Samuel chapter 3. 5 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:18,400 The title of this morning's message is blessed are those who 6 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:24,760 have boundaries. Blessed are those who have 7 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,000 boundaries. I just want to say that again, 8 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,920 it's not. That's not a beatitude that 9 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,840 Jesus said, but blessed are those who have boundaries. 10 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,880 I was on a flight with my wife and my 2 girls to Tennessee and 11 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:46,720 ran into a guy who who altered the course of my family through 12 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:49,240 his writing. His name's Doctor Henry Cloud, 13 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:53,040 and he wrote a book called Boundaries. 14 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:59,320 And I lifted my head up from my seat in and I said, Doctor Henry 15 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,800 Cloud. He said, yes, Sir. 16 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:06,960 I said, I just, I can't believe you're on my plane that he said, 17 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,000 this isn't your plane. This is like all of our plane, 18 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:14,440 you know, and he I just went on to tell him how much he impacted 19 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:19,200 our life in in his writings and his counsel and is yes to the 20 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:23,200 Lord and then my wife's like who is that as all that's Doctor 21 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,840 Henry Cloud. She said no way. 22 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:29,880 She stepped over my 2 girls. She went to the back of the 23 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,280 plane. She waited for him to get out of 24 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:37,680 the bathroom, and she began to tell him, I'm Pastor Casey's 25 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,840 wife and I know my husband just spoke with you. 26 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:46,480 And he laid his hand over my wife at the back of the plane on 27 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:49,840 our way to Nashville. And he begins to pray over my 28 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:54,400 wife. And she begins to weep and sob. 29 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,440 And she's coming back to her seat. 30 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,600 And I'm like, what in the world? Like, why are you crying? 31 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:05,520 She's all meeting Doctor Henry Cloud is like you meeting 32 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:09,320 Russell Wilson from the football. 33 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,040 I said rally. She said, yes, he made such an 34 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:16,520 impact in my life. So Doctor Henry Cloud goes back 35 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:21,280 to his seat and then he comes back with his napkin, hands it 36 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,240 to me and he says, Casey, I want you to have every teaching 37 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:28,960 platform that I have ever done that normally cost each month 38 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:33,760 for someone to have. And I, I want to talk to you 39 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:41,840 guys today about the impact of boundaries from the life of 40 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,600 David in Second Samuel chapter 3. 41 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:48,320 And I believe, like my family, that it can have a lasting 42 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:53,960 impact forever on your family. If you want a book, come up to 43 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,440 me. I'll buy you the book. 44 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:03,040 All right, that honest, if you want the book, I'll buy you the 45 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:06,080 book and you can you just have to commit to reading it. 46 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:11,120 All right, all right, let's let's jump in Second Samuel 47 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:15,480 chapter 3 and verse 11, and then we're going to go through most 48 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:19,240 of the chapter together. Second Samuel chapter 3, verse 49 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:23,080 11. And the Bible says a Shiba chef, 50 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,480 excuse me, said to Abner, that's a hard name to pronounce. 51 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,120 I shouldn't have started with that right off the bat. 52 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,800 I should have gotten a little bit warmed up with words like 53 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:35,760 Nabal and Absalom and Gesher, but not a Shiba chef. 54 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:40,920 But this is what a Shibu chef says to Abner, the general of 55 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:46,080 Saul's army, and he could not answer Abner another word 56 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:53,120 because he feared him. This morning I want to as I 57 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:57,520 write on every notepad that I ever get to preach off of, I I 58 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,880 write this sentence at the top of the notepad. 59 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,800 Preach is never sure to preach again. 60 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,360 As a dying man to dying men and women. 61 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:10,560 The Lord woke me up this morning at 2:30 in the morning to pray, 62 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:15,160 to seek his face, to ask God to move on behalf of this. 63 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:19,240 I believe this message because I believe it could be healing. 64 00:04:19,399 --> 00:04:22,280 Instrumental and pivotal in your life. 65 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,520 So if you just look at your neighbor and say neighbor, my 66 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:28,080 neighbor breaking up is hard to do. 67 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,120 Yeah, yeah, just say that to your neighbor breaking up is 68 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:39,120 hard to do. I am a firm believer this 69 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:45,080 morning that the majority of ministry happens at the door of 70 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,600 the church, not on the stage at the church. 71 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:53,920 And normally on Sunday after I'm done preaching, the first thing 72 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:59,200 that I want to do as a pastor is put in my resignation letter 73 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:04,960 every Sunday. No lie, I want to quit. 74 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:10,680 I rehearse in my mind what I shouldn't have said, and I add 75 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,200 into my mind what I should have said. 76 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:18,200 There are countless times I'm behind this curtain crying out 77 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:22,360 to the Lord that he would use something that I said in my 78 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:27,400 sermon because I feel so horrible about it. 79 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,560 They call it for pastors Blue Monday. 80 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,960 Alistair Begg, a Scottish preacher, says after you're done 81 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,360 preaching, you feel like the weed coming out of the crack of 82 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:42,480 the cement. But I didn't get there last week 83 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,040 because Miss Amber Adams didn't allow me to. 84 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,320 I was at the door of the church, and before I could even rehearse 85 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:52,680 my sermon to myself, she asked me this question. 86 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:56,280 She said, Casey, she said you need to preach a message 87 00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:00,240 answering this question. What do you do when you have 88 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:03,840 fought fair and you have set healthy boundaries? 89 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,600 Once again from last week's message, if he didn't get to 90 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:11,160 hear it, go on the podcast and check it out to get context of 91 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,280 this sermon. She asked this question What? 92 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,600 Do you do? When you have fought fair and 93 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,480 you've set healthy boundaries, here's my answer. 94 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:28,640 Breaking up is hard to do. I want to say that again. 95 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:36,920 Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking up with people is hard 96 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:41,080 to do. Breaking up with control is hard 97 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:44,720 to do. Breaking up from rescuing people 98 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,600 over and over again is hard to do. 99 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:52,720 Breaking up from carrying other people's moods is hard to do. 100 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:58,000 Breaking up with the responsibility that is not yours 101 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:03,560 is hard to do. Breaking up eventually in our 102 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,360 lives. If you're unwilling to break up 103 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:11,040 with the bad toxic habits in your life and the sins that you 104 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:15,800 keep committing relationally towards other people breaking 105 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:22,840 up, not breaking up leads to you breaking up eventually, and that 106 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:27,840 means that you become shattered on the inside of your soul. 107 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:32,080 Now understand I want you to get this, that relational strain is 108 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:38,040 inevitable, but how we handle relational strain is optional. 109 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:43,160 Someone once said these words that rules without relationship 110 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,920 lead to rebellion, but relationship without the right 111 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:53,320 rules leads to resentment. And I believe sometimes in our 112 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,000 lives that this is going to be vital for our victory. 113 00:07:56,280 --> 00:08:00,240 Because how you connect with people can either help you or it 114 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,440 can hurt you. How you choose to connect 115 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,160 relationally with your husband or your wife, your boyfriend or 116 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,600 your girlfriend or your coworkers or your boss or your 117 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,560 friends or your enemies can either limit you or it can 118 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:17,040 launch you. How we connect with people could 119 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:21,320 either push you in the right direction or it can prohibit you 120 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:25,160 in your life. Do you see, if we're going to 121 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:29,480 break up with these bad habits in our lives, we're going to 122 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:34,159 have to be willing to lay down some new lines and be reigned by 123 00:08:34,159 --> 00:08:40,400 some new rules to build a blessed life with boundaries. 124 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:45,440 Now, boundaries, if you take note, is not so I could keep 125 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,280 people out. It's to allow the safe people 126 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,480 in. And it's really about my own 127 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:58,280 heart and my own life. Howard, excuse me, Doctor Henry 128 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,640 Cloud says this. He says when we begin to set 129 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:05,880 boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens. 130 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:09,920 They hurt. They may feel a hole where you 131 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,680 used to plug up, their aloneness, their 132 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:16,720 disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. 133 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:22,480 Whatever it is, they will feel a loss when you set a boundary. 134 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:27,000 If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. 135 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:30,960 But when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember 136 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:35,120 that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful 137 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,080 for them. If you have been enabling them 138 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:44,080 to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward 139 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:47,880 responsibility. And I want to encourage you with 140 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:51,120 that because that's exactly what happened in my marriage. 141 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:57,000 My wife put up a healthy boundary, and we are living 142 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:02,960 proof that God can work in the midst of everything that might 143 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:08,400 seem broken, and restore it and redeem it and strengthen it and 144 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,520 bring it to a place that it can. Thrive. 145 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:16,880 Can I give you the 10 rules of his book just as a precursor to 146 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,600 you reading it? Because all of you are going to 147 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:22,040 come up to me after the sermon and ask for that book. 148 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,520 I want you to write these down in your relationships. 149 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,840 There needs to be a boundary, a new rule, a rule. 150 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:34,520 Of sowing and reaping. A new rule of sowing and reaping 151 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:39,520 that means this. Do your actions have 152 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:46,560 consequences that means this, or do you let people get away with 153 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,680 it? There is a new rule in our 154 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,800 relationships of sowing and reaping. 155 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,920 Here's the second rule if you take note. 156 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,680 If you need me to slow down, just say please slow down. 157 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:06,840 Number one, there is the rule of sowing and reaping. 158 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,280 Do your actions have consequences? 159 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:16,840 Or in your relationships, do you just let the person's actions 160 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:28,160 keep on going #2? I'm purposefully trying to slow 161 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,560 myself down. I'm like chomping at the bit 162 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:34,880 here. There is the rule of 163 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:38,440 responsibility. There's the rule of 164 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:42,960 responsibility. Once again, there's the rule of 165 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,480 responsibility. Here it is. 166 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:51,240 We are responsible to each other, but not for each other. 167 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:58,440 Here's the rule. I refuse to rescue your immature 168 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:05,680 behavior. The rule of responsibility. 169 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:10,560 We are responsible to each other, but not for each other. 170 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:16,560 Here is the rule. The rule is this, that I refuse 171 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:23,360 to rescue your immature behavior, just that alone. 172 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,720 I'm done preaching. Let's come forward and accept 173 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,280 Christ and just pray for each other. 174 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,440 Listen to rule #3 this is going to be very important. 175 00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:37,320 The rule of power, the rule of power in your relationships. 176 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:42,120 Once again, the rule of power. The rule of power is this. 177 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:46,400 If you're taking note, we can't change or fix anyone. 178 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:51,280 We can only seek God to change ourselves. 179 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:59,080 That's the rule of power. Here is number 4, the rule of 180 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,800 respect. If you're taking notes, if you 181 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:06,120 miss all of these, come up to me after the sermon and I will buy 182 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:11,600 you the book. The rule of respect #4 is we 183 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:20,800 will respect other people's boundaries and there no that was 184 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,080 a hard one for me. The rule of respect is we will 185 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:31,880 respect other people's boundaries and there no you 186 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:37,640 ready for #5 Remember, we have the rule of sowing and reaping. 187 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,880 We have the rule of responsibility, we have the rule 188 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:45,040 of power, and we have the rule of respect #5. 189 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,960 What I want you guys to live by is we have the rule of 190 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:54,760 motivation in our lives. This one's important. 191 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,560 You must be free to say no before you can say yes. 192 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:07,200 We have the rule of motivation. That is, you must be free to say 193 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:13,920 no before you can say yes. If you could write this rule 194 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:21,400 down, rule of #6 evaluation. Amen. 195 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:27,760 Nolan number six. The rule of evaluation is this. 196 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:33,760 Does my boundary lead to healthy growth in a person's life? 197 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:38,480 That's the rule of evaluation. I'm going to evaluate my goals 198 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:42,200 according to scripture. And will this boundary lead to 199 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:47,560 healthy growth in the person's life #7 because I'm, I'm going 200 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:53,840 to go too long if I go this slow #7 is the rule of proactivity 201 00:14:54,680 --> 00:15:02,280 That is this Take action to solve your problems according to 202 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:08,720 biblical values. Take action to solve your 203 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:16,280 problems on our biblical values. If you take note, write this 204 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:20,840 down. This is the rule of envy in your 205 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,880 relationships. The rule of envy is this. 206 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:29,440 We will never get what we want by focusing on what other people 207 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:33,240 have. We will never get what we want 208 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,480 if we're focusing on what other people have. 209 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:40,800 So if we have the rule of envy, it leads me to the rule of 210 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:46,240 activity, which is number 9. The rule of activity is this. 211 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:50,520 We take initiative to solve our problems rather than just being 212 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:54,920 passive about it. We're going to take issue with 213 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:59,880 our own problems rather than being passive and wait and wait 214 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:05,960 and wait and excuse and excuse and excuse our problems away. 215 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,760 And the last rule in our relationships that we want to 216 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:15,080 live by is the rule of exposure. The rule of exposure is clearly 217 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:21,120 communicate your boundaries to the person that you are in 218 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:26,200 relationship with. Now notice what's happening in 219 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:32,080 our story, because I think sometimes we get to the fruit of 220 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,880 the matter, but we don't really take out the root of the 221 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:38,200 problem. And why I say that is this. 222 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:44,160 I once in my life had to carry what we called back in the 90s, 223 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:49,560 a beeper in a beeper. What that was was this little 224 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:53,440 box that you'd put on your belt and it looked really cool, like 225 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:57,120 you were really important. And people, if they wanted to 226 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,840 get a hold of you because they couldn't get a hold of you on 227 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,960 your landline, your phone was actually connected to your 228 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,839 kitchen wall. If you remember that, just say 229 00:17:06,839 --> 00:17:10,560 Amen. They would reach out to your 230 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:15,839 pager. I am terrified of birds. 231 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,640 I had a horrible experience with birds at SeaWorld. 232 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:26,560 I had a Flock of Seagulls and felt like they were attacking 233 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,640 me. They weren't really, but it felt 234 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,560 like Alfred Hitchcock, the Birds movie. 235 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:37,600 And so I've been terrified from birds since this day as an 236 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:41,160 adult. And all of a sudden, behind our 237 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:44,440 blinds at our house where we were living, all of a. 238 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,760 Sudden it was like fluttering and it was moving all of our 239 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:52,000 blinds at our screen door. And I told my wife, I said, you 240 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,120 got to go in our room. There's a bird in our room. 241 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,440 There's a bird in there, and I need you to go in there and get 242 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,680 that bird out of the room. Right? 243 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,360 What a great husband, right? Afraid of a bird. 244 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:12,040 She's like, who did I marry? Well, it turns out it wasn't a 245 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:15,640 bird. It was my pager and someone was 246 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,720 trying to get a hold of me and it was just vibrating behind the 247 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,920 shutters. And I think we do that a lot in 248 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:27,440 our relationships. We identify it as something 249 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:33,200 that's really not the issue of what we are really battling. 250 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,280 You're not just angry. What we really need to get at is 251 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:40,680 your hurt. And because of your hurt, now 252 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,680 you're taking it out on everybody else around you. 253 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:49,960 Because you're a perfectionist, your expectation is way up here 254 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,160 on what your house should actually look like. 255 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:58,040 And this happens a lot with us as working dads is we think that 256 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:03,160 as we're away from the the house that all our wife is doing is 257 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:08,320 cleaning every baseboard in the house, but we don't realize that 258 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,920 she's changed 50 diapers within 6 minutes. 259 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,880 But the house we walk into is like stepping on Legos and it's 260 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,840 dirty. The real issue isn't that you're 261 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,160 a perfectionist. The real issue is you just want 262 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,560 control. You see, that's oftentimes what 263 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,160 happens. And so we need to flip the 264 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,600 script of everything that's going on around us. 265 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,560 I was dealing with a young man this week who was telling me he 266 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,760 was lonely, but the fruit of what he was facing was 267 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,240 loneliness, but the root of what he was facing was condemnation. 268 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,640 And I think we need to get to the heart of the matter. 269 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,360 And the only way that we get to the heart of the matter is like 270 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:54,680 David in this area of our lives. To understand that we got to go 271 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,960 back to the root of what's really happening. 272 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,720 Now we remember the story that Saul has died. 273 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,600 David now takes over the city of Judah. 274 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:06,320 While he's taking over the city of Judah, Abner puts a Shiba 275 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:10,680 chef in line to be Saul's king. A Shiba chef reigns over the 11 276 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,960 tribes. David only reigns over one 277 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,000 tribe. And this is where we begin our 278 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,040 story. And I want you to see what's 279 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:22,800 happening is that the Lord is separating the House of Saul 280 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,160 from the House of David. Check this out. 281 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:28,000 The Bible says in verse one now there was a long war between the 282 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:33,960 House of Saul and the House of David, but David grew stronger 283 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:38,560 and stronger and the House of Saul grew weaker and weaker. 284 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:43,960 Listen to what's happening that there is a long war. 285 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:47,560 I don't know if you've ever been in a long war with your husband 286 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:52,840 or your wife. It's getting really quiet in 287 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,120 here. I don't know if you've been in a 288 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,520 long war with the boyfriend or girlfriend. 289 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:01,840 I don't know if you've been in a long war as a single with your 290 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,400 friends. Have you ever been in a long war 291 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:10,680 at your place of employment? You ever been in a long war with 292 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,280 an uncle? With a grandparent? 293 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:17,800 You ever been in a long war, parents with your children? 294 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,680 Oh, that was a good spot for an Amen. 295 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,280 Parents, you are carrying a lot of tension right now. 296 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:31,800 You ever been in a long war? David's in a long war between 297 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:36,160 him and his house and Saul and their house. 298 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:42,200 Now check out if you would. The word long there means to be 299 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:46,040 drawn out. It means to stretch beyond what 300 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,320 is expected. And the word long is a 301 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:54,160 theological signal that God is working through a prolonged 302 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:57,480 process. Now check this out. 303 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,800 The Bible says that this prolonged process, there was a 304 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:06,120 war. The word war there means, if 305 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:11,000 you're taking note, the word war there means to battle or to 306 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,920 fight. Now you're in this long drawn 307 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:19,720 out process of this fight between, notice this, the House 308 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:24,120 of Saul and the House of David. Now notice what happens, God is 309 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:29,120 breaking up the House of David from the House of Saul. 310 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,640 And the Bible says that the House of David grew stronger and 311 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,200 stronger while Saul's house grew weaker and weaker. 312 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:41,080 The term stronger and stronger there literally means to fasten. 313 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:44,440 It means to force or means to fortify. 314 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:48,840 The word stronger there means to bind on or gird on. 315 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:51,520 Now notice what happens to the House of Saul. 316 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:57,440 The word weaker means to be low. It means to be poor or it means 317 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:01,040 to be thin. Look at what God is doing. 318 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:06,240 He's separating two groups of people through conflict. 319 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:13,720 Once again, God is separating 2 groups of people through 320 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:21,120 conflict now. Now, if you take note, you can 321 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:24,440 connect yourself to relationships that will 322 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,560 ultimately hinder what God wants in your life. 323 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,880 One author put it this way, one of the things that keep people 324 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:37,040 from their God-given directives and destinations is an 325 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:43,400 inappropriate relationship that has LED you to ungodly places. 326 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:51,720 Now notice this if you would. Saul was and had some chapters 327 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:57,480 in David's story, but Saul was not the whole story of David's 328 00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:02,520 life. There are people I need to be 329 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,600 careful with this because some of you are take this like, well, 330 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,280 yeah, I could just leave my marriage now. 331 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,520 I could just walk out of my place of responsibility at my 332 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:13,560 employment now because I have boundaries. 333 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:17,720 I'm not saying that. But there are relationships that 334 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:22,480 you outgrow. There are relationships that you 335 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:30,160 have to disconnect yourselves from simply because God has 336 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:34,280 called them to be a chapter in your story, but not the whole 337 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:39,600 story of your life. I want you to answer these 338 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:43,160 questions because this is so important that as we look at 339 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,240 this that we answer these two questions. 340 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,000 Where is God leading you and who is going with you? 341 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:54,560 Often times I can get to know you by what you say, but I get 342 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,160 to know you a lot better by who you hang out with. 343 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,440 And Lottie Dotty and everybody can't come with you. 344 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:10,640 They, they, they can't. You will in relationships come 345 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,920 to a spot. Well, let's just put it this 346 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,560 way. Your association leads to 347 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:20,120 assimilation. You didn't get that. 348 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,520 It's like that one woman used to sing. 349 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:29,120 If you lay down with dogs, don't be shocked when you wake up with 350 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:37,680 fleas. Who you connect yourself with 351 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:43,680 can determine how and where you go in. 352 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:48,000 Life. David's path to the throne could 353 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:52,320 not come by him holding on to Saul. 354 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,960 And some of you, you need to let go of your Saul. 355 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:04,440 Some of you, you have to let go of the saw that you are holding 356 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,760 on to the people that you think that you need. 357 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,360 You need to be letting go of them. 358 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,760 But a lot of. Times we're unwilling to let go 359 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:21,360 of people because we are unwilling to be alone. 360 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:30,080 And we think that Saul brought companionship to David, but he 361 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,040 didn't bring partnership with David. 362 00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:37,960 And because we don't like to be alone, we keep bad people 363 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:42,560 around. And because of that, what 364 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:48,400 oftentimes happens in our lives is we're unwilling to let go of 365 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:56,600 people and break up with the House of Saul because we're 366 00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:01,200 clenching so tightly to what we think it should look like, when 367 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:04,880 in reality, we're not living in the light of what God has 368 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:08,800 already given. So what does David do? 369 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:13,120 This is what David does two things and I don't encourage 370 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,800 this. David because of this the the 371 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:19,080 House of Saul has fallen apart. His house is growing stronger. 372 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,720 He goes and makes babies and makes covenants. 373 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:26,320 David makes babies and he makes covenants. 374 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:29,640 When you read verse 2 all the way down through verse 6, I 375 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,760 don't want you to think that God is pro polygamy. 376 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:38,920 This is a sign I believe of what David was doing wrong and the 377 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:43,160 reason why is you could look at each one of these sons that he 378 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:47,600 gives birth, that the wife gives birth to and you will see that 379 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:51,360 these sons caused so much trouble. 380 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:56,040 If you wanted to see how God wanted his kings to live, read 381 00:27:56,040 --> 00:28:01,080 Deuteronomy 17 verse 17. He commanded the kings not to 382 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:05,600 multiply with their wives. But these men, these sons 383 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,760 brought so much trouble. Listen to what they brought. 384 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:11,120 They brought rape, they brought murder, they brought rebellion, 385 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:14,840 and they brought greed. So notice the Bible says in 386 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,640 verse 2 that sons were born to David in Hebron. 387 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:22,480 His first born was Amnon by a Hionoem, the Jezreelite. 388 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:27,480 The second was Kalia by Abigail, the widow of Nabal and the 389 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:29,920 Carmelite. The third was. 390 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,640 Absalom, you remember him, the son of Maka, the daughter of 391 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:37,680 Talmay, king of Gesher. The 4th was Adonijah, the son of 392 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:41,880 Haggath, the fifth was Shephatiah, the son of Abbatal, 393 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:45,880 and the 6th was Etherium by David's wife Egla. 394 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,520 These were born to David in Hebron. 395 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:55,280 So even in the midst of this, David is choosing to notice 396 00:28:55,280 --> 00:29:00,680 this. He's choosing to go against what 397 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:02,720 God said in his. Word. 398 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,440 And simply live for what he wanted. 399 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:10,280 Now, this is vital in boundaries because I want you to write this 400 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,160 down. Just because there's a fight 401 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:17,240 doesn't mean you have the liberty not to do what is right. 402 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:22,400 Did you catch that? Just because there's a fight, 403 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:27,480 this does not give you the liberty not to do what is right. 404 00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:32,880 And I believe the breakup is at the place where it brings out 405 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:39,360 many times the worst in us, but the best in God and what God 406 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,960 does through a breakup in my life of a bad habit. 407 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,680 Or a bad. Relationship is he reveals his 408 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,560 character to me. But this is where I get it 409 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,840 wrong. I live by what he says, I don't 410 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:56,840 live by what he says. I live by what my flesh wants to 411 00:29:56,840 --> 00:30:01,800 do in that moment. And this is what I want you to 412 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,160 remember. When you have fought fair, you 413 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:09,600 lay down healthy boundaries, and this is what I want you to do. 414 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:12,000 I want you to take the High Road. 415 00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:14,760 I want you to take the High Road. 416 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,160 David's off making babies. And the Bible says this. 417 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:21,960 Now in verse 6, there was while there was war between the House 418 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:25,560 of Saul and the House of David that Abner was strengthening his 419 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:29,200 hold on the House of Saul. And Saul had a concubine whose 420 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:32,040 name was Rizpah, the daughter of Ahaya. 421 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,120 So as Shabbashaf said to Abner, why have you gone into my 422 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:39,800 father's concubine? He makes false accusations, they 423 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,400 say, against Abner. Then Abner became very angry at 424 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:47,280 the words of the Shibashat and said, Am IA dog's head that 425 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:50,640 belongs to Judah. Today I show loyalty to the 426 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,360 House of Saul, your father, to his brothers, and to his 427 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:56,720 friends, and have not delivered you into the hand of David. 428 00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:00,360 And you charged me today with a fault concerning this woman. 429 00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:06,000 May God do so to Abner and more also if I do not do for David, 430 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:11,160 as the Lord has sworn to him. Now transfer the Kingdom from 431 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:15,320 the House of Saul, and set up the throne of David over Israel, 432 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,480 over Judah, from Dan to Beersheba. 433 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:22,320 And notice this, a shiba sheth. He could not answer Abner 434 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,400 another word, because he feared him. 435 00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:30,960 You ever been there, husband? Do you ever fear your wife? 436 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:36,560 And you didn't say anything. Don't say Amen to that, wise. 437 00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:39,080 Have you ever feared your husband and you didn't voice 438 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:43,120 your opinion in the matter because you actually felt like 439 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:47,760 you were walking on egg shells all around him all the time? 440 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:52,400 Have you ever found yourself in this place like a shibashet, 441 00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:56,280 afraid of someone else? The Bible says that a fear of 442 00:31:56,280 --> 00:32:00,360 man brings a snare to the life around us. 443 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,440 So God is working behind the scenes and Abner in a shibashet 444 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:08,080 now they don't have Instagram, they don't have TikTok, they 445 00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:12,280 don't have a Snapchat. At this time, David has no idea 446 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:16,120 of what's happening in the House of Saul, but God is at work 447 00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:21,520 separating Abner from a Shibashath, even though David 448 00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:24,120 doesn't see it. And notice what happens. 449 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:26,960 Verse 12. Then Abner sent messengers on 450 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,160 his behalf to David saying, Who is the land? 451 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:33,200 Who is whose is the land, saying also make your covenant with me, 452 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:37,160 and indeed my hand shall be with you to bring all Israel to you. 453 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:43,120 And so David said, good, I'll make a covenant with you. 454 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:49,080 That's interesting. Abner is the general to Saul's 455 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:54,200 army. For years it was Abner who led 456 00:32:54,360 --> 00:33:00,560 the hunt with Saul to kill David. 457 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:09,000 He hated David so much. So when Saul was dead, Abner did 458 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:12,040 not go to David and say, we know what God has said. 459 00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:14,440 You need to be the king of all this place. 460 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:19,320 He put a Shiba chef in there because Abner wanted a 461 00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:21,680 relationship that he could control. 462 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:29,240 But David, the Bible says, was sending grace and kindness to 463 00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:34,000 the people of Jabesh Ghalid. And in this moment, the Bible 464 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:38,880 says, notice this verse 13. David said, good, I will kill 465 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:42,720 you. Good. 466 00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:48,440 I'm angry with you. David said good, I can't stand 467 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:52,600 you anymore. Good, I'm out of here. 468 00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,640 Is that what the Bible says? The Bible. 469 00:33:56,640 --> 00:34:00,280 Says that David made a covenant with him. 470 00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:08,400 Again, not just in this verse but but but notice this in this 471 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:13,880 verse he then the Bible says going on that David said to 472 00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:17,280 Abner again that he would make another covenant with him. 473 00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:24,600 What is a covenant when you are weary in the fight and you want 474 00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:30,840 to do some unholy things and responded in an unholy way to a 475 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:34,320 person. What does David do that I want 476 00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:37,719 to challenge you to do? Take the High Road. 477 00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:47,520 I want you to be the peacemaker. Now, understand, peacemaking 478 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:50,520 does not mean that you're silent about things. 479 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:55,040 Peacemaking doesn't mean that you're a doormat about things. 480 00:34:56,000 --> 00:35:02,040 Peacemaking means that you are the person who is willing to 481 00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:07,000 prioritize peace with God and peace with other people. 482 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:12,800 When David could have gotten revenge, David seeks peace. 483 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:21,400 David seeks out the High Road that is ahead of him and I 484 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,160 believe often times what happens. 485 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:28,160 Is just like what happened in Greece with the Romans and 486 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:29,920 Heraclea. I don't know if I'm pronouncing 487 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:33,200 that right. Evangelia, Steve, Dora, please 488 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:34,800 forgive me if I pronounce that wrong. 489 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:40,960 Thank you, Dora, I love you too. To 80 BC. 490 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,640 Notice this. This king achieved great 491 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:50,560 victory, but he experienced great victory at great defeat. 492 00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:58,280 His army's casualties were so excessive that it undermined the 493 00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:05,360 value of his conquest. And I think so many times in 494 00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:10,040 relationship we seek to win the argument, but we lose the 495 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:14,760 people. Can I say that again, in 496 00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:18,280 relationship, we don't take the High Road and we seek to 497 00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:25,280 prioritize winning the argument. That's why I tell my my one, one 498 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,920 of my boys. Why do you always have to have 499 00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:33,600 the last word? Because dad, I'm right. 500 00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:41,880 And that's the problem. Many times we believe we're 501 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:44,320 right, but we don't act right to the person that we're 502 00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:48,280 addressing. And so because of that, we don't 503 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:53,320 take the High Road in conflict. What what does this mean for us 504 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:56,760 in making a covenant with somebody else? 505 00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:00,280 Listen, if we've expressed biblical truth without biblical 506 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:04,240 love, we've missed the mark in your boundary. 507 00:37:04,240 --> 00:37:07,480 If you have expressed biblical truth without biblical love, 508 00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:12,280 you've missed the mark because biblical truth with biblical 509 00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:19,760 love leads to biblical holiness. Can you get that on the podcast 510 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:23,320 later? Taking the High Road in conflict 511 00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:24,920 means this. If you could just write this 512 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:28,760 down, you ready? Taking the High Road in conflict 513 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:30,440 means this. There's no gossiping or 514 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:34,800 backbiting about that person. There's no gossiping or 515 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:38,640 backbiting about that person. There's no unforgiveness. 516 00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:42,680 There's no unwillingness to ask for forgiveness anymore. 517 00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:46,640 Taking the High Road means that you're not going to be passive 518 00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:54,000 aggressive anymore. We'll get into that in just a 519 00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,520 minute. You're not going to be hot 520 00:37:56,520 --> 00:38:00,240 tempered. Being a person who takes the 521 00:38:00,240 --> 00:38:02,040 High Road means that you're not going to walk around with a 522 00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:06,320 victim mentality. You're not going to walk around 523 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:08,480 like I'm always the victim of this. 524 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,440 No, you're actually just reaping consequences to this. 525 00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:15,960 That's another sermon for another time. 526 00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,680 We're we're not going to be the people that are seeking to be 527 00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:24,600 right without being loving. And taking the High Road does 528 00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:28,080 not mean that you have to stay on the same Rd. with the person. 529 00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:35,880 So taking the High Road with Abner as he's pursuing after 530 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:41,720 David, look at what David does. He simply makes the greatest 531 00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:46,120 covenant with the person who's caused the greatest crisis in 532 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,520 his life. He makes a treaty with the one 533 00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:55,120 who's made so much trouble. And this goes against everything 534 00:38:55,120 --> 00:39:01,000 that I want to do. I want to live by the Scripture 535 00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:06,160 that says I will do unto others as they've done unto me. 536 00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:12,000 I want to live by the the the mentality of fight fire with 537 00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:16,400 fire. I want to live with this place 538 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:22,600 in mind that I am going to notice this, not be at peace 539 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:24,880 with Abner. Now, being at peace with Abner 540 00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:27,680 did not mean that David had to live with Abner. 541 00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:39,280 Even though it's over, I don't have to hold it over their head. 542 00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:44,520 So how do I do this? This is how David does it. 543 00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:48,560 This is how Joab does it in relationship. 544 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,560 If you'd write this down, not only are you going to take the 545 00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:53,680 High Road, you're going to be willing to have hard 546 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:57,440 conversations with people. You're going to be willing to 547 00:39:57,440 --> 00:39:59,200 have hard conversations with people. 548 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:03,200 No, no notice. If you would, David says to 549 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:07,160 Abner, I'll make a covenant with you in verse 13, but bring back 550 00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:10,800 my wife Michael. So David sent messengers to 551 00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:14,040 Shibashet, Saul's son, saying, give me my wife Michael, whom I 552 00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:17,360 betrothed myself for 100 foreskins of the Philistines and 553 00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:20,520 the Shibashet sent and took her from her husband, from Paul. 554 00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:23,400 TL that's horrible, right? The son of Laash. 555 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,400 Then her husband went along with her to Bah her room weeping 556 00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:28,760 behind her. So Abner said to him, go return 557 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,280 and he returned. You thought the Bible was like 558 00:40:31,320 --> 00:40:34,280 no drama. You're like, I just want to go 559 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:36,240 back to how it was in the New Testament. 560 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:39,240 I want to go back to how it was in the Old Testament. 561 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:42,920 I want to I want to go back to this spot. 562 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,480 This is like a soap opera. This is like watching this movie 563 00:40:47,480 --> 00:40:49,600 that you're just sitting at the edge of your seat going. 564 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:55,920 This is so emotional. Now Abner had communicated to 565 00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:58,320 the elders of Israel, saying in time past you were seeking for 566 00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:00,800 David to be king over you. Now then do it. 567 00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:04,160 For the Lord has spoken of David saying, By the hand of my 568 00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:07,360 servant David, I will save my people Israel from the hand of 569 00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:09,360 the Philistines in the hand of all their enemies. 570 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:13,800 So not only does Abner go and RIP Michael out of our Mackel, 571 00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:17,600 out of the house, the hands of her now husband, but now he 572 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:21,760 plots against the Shibashet to get the whole Kingdom to come 573 00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:25,600 over to David's side. That is drama. 574 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:27,520 And you thought your house was bad. 575 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:30,400 And Abner also spoke in the hearing of Benjamin. 576 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,720 Then Abner also went to speak in the hearing of David and Hebron. 577 00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:35,400 And all that seemed good to Israel. 578 00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:38,840 And the whole House of Benjamin. So Abner and 20 men with him 579 00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:42,240 came to David at Hebron. And David made a feast for Abner 580 00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:45,960 and the men who were with him. Then Abner said to David, I will 581 00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:49,640 arise and go and gather Israel to my Lord the king, that they 582 00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:52,880 may make a covenant with you, and that you may reign over all 583 00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:56,960 that your heart does desires. So David sent Abner away and he 584 00:41:56,960 --> 00:42:00,960 went in peace. Now check this out. 585 00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:04,840 At that moment David's general came Joab. 586 00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:10,440 Now you remember Joab, right? Joab was the general of David's 587 00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:15,200 army whose brother was killed by Abner. 588 00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:22,560 So David Joab shows up and the Bible says. 589 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:26,080 After he had came from the raid, he brought much spoil with him. 590 00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:29,760 But Abner was not with David in Hebron, for he had sent him away 591 00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:34,640 and he'd gone in peace. But Joab wasn't at peace. 592 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:37,600 And all the troops that were with him and come, they had told 593 00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:42,080 Joab, saying, Listen, Abner, the son of Ner, came to the king. 594 00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:46,800 You got to read it like that, with like an evil voice, and he 595 00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:50,560 sent him away and he had gone in peace. 596 00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:54,760 Can you believe that? Then Joab came to the king and 597 00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,680 said, listen to this. Joab came to the king. 598 00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:04,960 Joab went to the same king that could have had his head, and he 599 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:09,680 asked them this question. What have you done? 600 00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:12,600 You don't talk to the king like that. 601 00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:15,640 You don't have those types of conversations with the king. 602 00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:20,080 The king says it, you do it. You don't question the king. 603 00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:22,920 But notice this hard conversation with Joab. 604 00:43:22,920 --> 00:43:25,080 I'm not saying that Joab's motives were right. 605 00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:29,200 He was had a heart of revenge and an attitude of hatred 606 00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:32,440 towards Abner. But noticed he has this hard 607 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:34,160 conversation. This is what he says. 608 00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:37,480 Look, Abner came to you. Why is it that you send him away 609 00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,520 and he's already gone? Surely you realize that Abner, 610 00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:42,520 the son of nerd, came to deceive you. 611 00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,920 To know you're going out and you're coming in and to know all 612 00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:50,360 that you are doing. And when Joab had gone from 613 00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:53,280 David's presence, he sent messengers after Abner, who 614 00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:55,560 brought him back from the well of Syrah. 615 00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,360 But David did not know it. No notice. 616 00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:01,960 Abner has a conversation with David. 617 00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:06,760 Joab has a conversation with David and this. 618 00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:10,600 Is a hard conversation. I think if there's one thing 619 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:13,400 that I've often tried to avoid in my life, it's hard 620 00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:17,760 conversations. I used to think that peacemaking 621 00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:21,040 was making sure that every single one of you were happy all 622 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:25,000 the time. I used to think that peacemaking 623 00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:26,840 was as I really never brought up issues. 624 00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:31,800 So I I kept those issues down in my heart and then I got spiteful 625 00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:35,520 and then I got resentful. I used to think that peacemaking 626 00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:37,840 was is you didn't really rock the boat. 627 00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:43,640 That's peace faking. That's not peacemaking. 628 00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:50,280 Peacemaking has hard conversations and maybe you're 629 00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:53,200 like this. Listen, Chris is upset that his 630 00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:56,720 wife constantly comes home late after work but he says nothing. 631 00:44:57,400 --> 00:45:00,040 Why? He thinks he's being like Christ 632 00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:03,360 by not saying anything but he does give her the cold shoulder 633 00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:07,520 every day. Pam disagrees with her Co 634 00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:09,960 workers at lunch when they slander her boss but she's 635 00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:13,120 afraid to speak up. She says I don't want to rock 636 00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:15,040 the boat by speaking up and disagreeing. 637 00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:18,800 Bob was deeply offended by someone's remarks that Pete 638 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:22,680 made, but he said nothing to Pete about the remarks. 639 00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,240 Bob has carried A grudge for months now. 640 00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:31,320 He badmouths Pete behind his back but has said nothing to 641 00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:34,640 Pete about it. Sharon thinks that her boyfriend 642 00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:38,600 is irresponsible, but she feels so bad for him because he's had 643 00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:42,480 such a hard life and he's faced so much pain that she thinks, 644 00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:47,000 how can I add to that? So she backs down from telling 645 00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:52,360 him the truth about the way his behavior is slowly killing their 646 00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:58,440 relationship. What's the common denominator 647 00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:01,640 here? You have four people claiming to 648 00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:04,960 be doing what they're doing in the name of peace. 649 00:46:05,240 --> 00:46:07,680 They're claiming to be peacemakers. 650 00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:12,840 And this is what they say. We won't bring this up because 651 00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:18,320 we don't want to rock the boat. The truth is, the author writes, 652 00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:22,040 these aren't peacemakers. They're wimps. 653 00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:30,360 To hold a boundary is to hold it with consistency and to have 654 00:46:30,360 --> 00:46:33,280 hard conversations. So what does that look like for 655 00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:34,920 us? Can you just write this down? 656 00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:37,680 This is going to be important for your relationships as it's 657 00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:39,960 been very important in mine, and that is this. 658 00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:42,720 Avoidance does not mean deliverance. 659 00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:48,240 Avoidance does not mean deliverance. 660 00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:52,040 Can you just write that down? I'm going way too long, sorry, 661 00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:55,760 worship team. Avoidance does not mean 662 00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:59,440 deliverance. Can you write this down? 663 00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:02,320 Also, that bad news does not get better with time. 664 00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:06,760 The bad news that you might have does not get better with time. 665 00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:12,320 And I want you to remember this, you can't take authority over 666 00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:16,800 what you won't name. You have to name it. 667 00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:21,760 You have to go to the person and say your anger is killing me. 668 00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:26,080 The hurt that you're harboring with inside of your heart is now 669 00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:29,200 coming out in sinful ways on how you've reached into our 670 00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:31,240 relationship. And it stops today. 671 00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:35,040 I will no longer put up with this today. 672 00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:40,160 And now what you have to do is when someone says, well, trust 673 00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:44,760 me, I'm getting better. You can trust what people do, 674 00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:48,360 but you can't always trust what people say. 675 00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:54,440 Now, when the what the person says matches what the person 676 00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:58,840 does, I still put the weight back on what the person does. 677 00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:03,360 So I want you to remember that you're going to have hard 678 00:48:03,560 --> 00:48:08,480 conversations with people that are around you. 679 00:48:08,480 --> 00:48:11,480 And the last thing I want to encourage you to do is take 680 00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:16,320 responsibility. This is a big one. 681 00:48:16,320 --> 00:48:19,320 If you want to ruin your relationship, you ready? 682 00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:21,480 I'm just going to give you one negative thing to do. 683 00:48:23,080 --> 00:48:26,160 Take responsibility for other people's stupidity. 684 00:48:28,600 --> 00:48:30,600 That was a little harsh. I could, I could reframe that. 685 00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:34,640 I'm sorry. Take responsibility for other 686 00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:38,080 people's actions. If you want to have a negative 687 00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:44,600 relationship with people, take responsibility for their actions 688 00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:47,840 and carry it like you were the problem. 689 00:48:48,920 --> 00:48:50,560 Carry it like you were the issue. 690 00:48:51,200 --> 00:48:53,360 I've told you this before and I'm going to say it again. 691 00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:55,480 We don't need pre marriage counseling. 692 00:48:56,440 --> 00:49:02,720 We need single counseling, we need single counselling because 693 00:49:02,720 --> 00:49:06,040 if you do not deal with your issues of sin, abandonment and 694 00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:10,200 rejection and anger and hurt, you eventually bring that into 695 00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:13,200 the marriage. But if you're willing to deal 696 00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:17,040 with this as a single, you bring a different person to the 697 00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:21,040 marriage that doesn't have to now live in that way. 698 00:49:22,040 --> 00:49:26,080 So what I need to do is this, I'm not taking responsibility 699 00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:29,160 for your actions anymore. Can you just say that to your 700 00:49:29,160 --> 00:49:32,960 neighbor? I'm not taking responsibility 701 00:49:32,960 --> 00:49:35,360 for your actions. Why aren't some of you saying 702 00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:40,280 it? I'm not taking responsibility 703 00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:44,240 for your actions anymore. Oh, that, That just caused the 704 00:49:44,240 --> 00:49:47,720 whole sanctuary to stir up. You're looking at each other, 705 00:49:47,720 --> 00:49:50,840 going like Pastor Casey, this is going to lead to some 706 00:49:50,840 --> 00:49:53,480 counseling. It will. 707 00:49:54,280 --> 00:49:58,320 And where you could send that e-mail is to Lisa at Bridgetown 708 00:49:58,320 --> 00:50:04,120 Church, dot US. Send all your counseling emails 709 00:50:04,120 --> 00:50:07,160 to Lisa at Bridgetown Church, dot US. 710 00:50:09,360 --> 00:50:12,360 It will lead to counseling because that's where you're 711 00:50:12,360 --> 00:50:14,880 going to be healed. But you're not going to be 712 00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:17,160 healed when you go to your counselor and you're unwilling 713 00:50:17,160 --> 00:50:20,120 to be teachable. You're not going to be healed 714 00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:22,280 when you're willing to go to a counselor and you're not willing 715 00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:23,960 to do what they actually told you to do. 716 00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:27,440 You're not going to be healed if you take what the people say and 717 00:50:27,440 --> 00:50:31,000 you allow it to be now pushed back as a narcissist on the 718 00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:34,880 other person. You will not be healed if you 719 00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:38,720 hear what needs to be changed in your life and your eyes stay 720 00:50:38,720 --> 00:50:41,200 closed and your heart stays hard. 721 00:50:42,160 --> 00:50:45,080 You have to weep over what you've done. 722 00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:48,520 You have to be broken over how you've lived. 723 00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:53,800 You have to be willing to say Lord I repent because some of 724 00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,960 you are like my wife. I'm going to play this in the 725 00:50:56,960 --> 00:51:01,760 car when we go home. My my husband needs to hear this 726 00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:06,360 like 5 times this week. No, you need to hear this. 727 00:51:06,720 --> 00:51:09,880 Just like I needed to hear it that night and wept all night in 728 00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:12,600 my bed because of what I've LED my family to. 729 00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:18,280 I needed to hear it because the issue wasn't my wife, the issue 730 00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:21,800 wasn't my kids, the issue wasn't how dirty my house was, The 731 00:51:21,840 --> 00:51:27,040 issue was me, and the issue was my own sin and the issue was 732 00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:29,920 taking responsibility for what I had done. 733 00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:34,280 So David looks at what Abner and Joab do and and this is what 734 00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:37,240 Joab does. He takes Abner and he says, hey, 735 00:51:37,240 --> 00:51:41,240 let's go talk by the gate. And the Bible says that Joab 736 00:51:41,240 --> 00:51:47,080 stabbed Abner in the stomach in verse 7 and the blood of Assayel 737 00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:50,120 for the blood of Assayel his brother. 738 00:51:50,280 --> 00:51:58,040 He took revenge on Abner. He deceived him with a 739 00:51:58,200 --> 00:52:03,520 conversation, but he stabbed him with a sword. 740 00:52:03,520 --> 00:52:10,440 Did you get that? He deceived him, then he stabs 741 00:52:10,440 --> 00:52:14,440 him. Breaking up is hard to do 742 00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:21,240 because we often carry the responsibility of other people's 743 00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:25,040 actions. And David says this. 744 00:52:26,240 --> 00:52:29,320 David heard it and he said, My Kingdom and I are guiltless 745 00:52:29,320 --> 00:52:33,480 before the Lord. Forever of the blood, he says. 746 00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:41,240 Forever of the blood of guiltless before the blood of 747 00:52:41,240 --> 00:52:48,280 Abner, the son of Nur. I will not carry your 748 00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:53,960 responsibility Joab. You made this decision and you 749 00:52:53,960 --> 00:53:01,520 need to act on what is right in your life. 750 00:53:01,520 --> 00:53:07,640 So since you cannot make others change, you must change yourself 751 00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:11,760 that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. 752 00:53:17,760 --> 00:53:19,360 I'm going to say that quote one more time. 753 00:53:19,360 --> 00:53:22,920 I have gone way over in this message. 754 00:53:24,720 --> 00:53:30,600 Since you cannot make others change, you must change yourself 755 00:53:30,720 --> 00:53:34,360 by the power of God and the working of His Spirit, so that 756 00:53:34,360 --> 00:53:39,520 their destructive patterns no longer work on you. 757 00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:45,040 Yeah, I told you last week, my kids taught me a new word. 758 00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:51,480 It's called rage baiting. And they were talking to me and 759 00:53:51,480 --> 00:53:52,880 I got a little flustered and upset. 760 00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:54,520 And they're like, Dad, we rage baited you. 761 00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:56,040 I'm like, where is that coming from? 762 00:53:56,680 --> 00:53:58,520 They're like, we're reading Doctor Henry Cloud. 763 00:53:58,640 --> 00:54:00,680 I'm just kidding. They didn't say that. 764 00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:04,680 But but this, this term came up and it's like trying to get at 765 00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:08,440 people's goats, trying to trying to catch them, trying to poke 766 00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:12,080 them and prod them. And because you're resentful and 767 00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:16,360 bitter and hurt, now you poke at them in the same way so they 768 00:54:16,360 --> 00:54:18,320 could feel just as miserable as you feel. 769 00:54:22,240 --> 00:54:25,400 You can work on this. By the power of the spirit and 770 00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:28,760 the power of the blood of Christ over your life, you can be set 771 00:54:28,760 --> 00:54:32,560 free from this life. You could be set free. 772 00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:38,560 As I spoke in Tennessee on January the 14th, this girl in 773 00:54:38,560 --> 00:54:41,640 the back, she was on my far right hand side. 774 00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:45,720 I saw her in the back sitting by herself. 775 00:54:45,720 --> 00:54:49,320 She handed me this letter and she wrote these words. 776 00:54:49,320 --> 00:54:51,800 She said thank you for your sermon today. 777 00:54:52,240 --> 00:54:59,880 Tonight, she's 15 years old. I struggle with cutting myself. 778 00:55:00,720 --> 00:55:03,760 I tried to take my life not even a month ago. 779 00:55:04,920 --> 00:55:10,000 I live with my abuser. I've been dying a little bit 780 00:55:10,120 --> 00:55:16,320 every single day, she wrote. Your sermon tonight means a lot. 781 00:55:16,800 --> 00:55:21,640 Although we've had the DCS close the case on me today, actually, 782 00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:26,160 my parents know about myself harm now and I've been living in 783 00:55:26,160 --> 00:55:31,400 so much fear, she wrote. 15 years old. 784 00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:40,600 She writes I'm waiting for it to get better. 785 00:55:41,280 --> 00:55:45,360 And I was actually already writing you this letter, but I 786 00:55:45,360 --> 00:55:47,560 needed to finish writing this and hand this to you. 787 00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:51,000 And this is what she wrote to me at the very end of her letter. 788 00:55:52,200 --> 00:56:00,240 She said I can wait and work on this because of what the Bible 789 00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:07,280 says and if there is any hope in our lives, it is because of what 790 00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:10,240 Jesus has given to us in the Scripture. 791 00:56:11,320 --> 00:56:14,680 If there is any hope for change, it's through the power of His 792 00:56:14,680 --> 00:56:17,880 Spirit. You will not work yourself out 793 00:56:17,880 --> 00:56:21,640 of this or up to this. God has to work this into you 794 00:56:22,000 --> 00:56:25,520 and out of you. We hope you enjoyed this message 795 00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:28,600 and we'd love for you to join us in person every Sunday at 10:30 796 00:56:28,680 --> 00:56:30,320 AM. For more information and 797 00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:32,520 updates, visit wearebridgetown.com. 798 00:56:32,800 --> 00:56:34,800 Thanks for tuning in and we'll see you next week.