1 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:11,200 D Yardman, Frank. That's part of. 2 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:15,560 JJ Rigby, J Rigby. That's part of like a little bit 3 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:18,520 of, like, I think some of your e-mail, I'll bet. 4 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:20,920 So no, no, no. It's on your Instagram. 5 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:25,360 Because I always, when I'm doing the short videos on on our 6 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,000 Instagram Recovered Attic podcast, I encourage everybody 7 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:32,119 to follow that. I'm always tagging you. 8 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,520 Yeah. So it's like you're like D 9 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:35,920 Yardman, Frank or something like that? 10 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,880 On your I was one of the slow kids in school, 'cause that's a 11 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,640 right. Dwayne Yardman. 12 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,440 Frank, there's a hyphen in there. 13 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:43,640 I don't know what a hyphen is, you know? 14 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,760 Yeah, you don't know what a hyphen is. 15 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,040 When you're little, no, you just say you don't really care about 16 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:50,720 stuff like that or dash or whatever. 17 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,480 It's like this is just some English thing that means 18 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:54,840 nothing. It's funny. 19 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,280 Yeah, Well, cool. We're going to get into. 20 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:01,040 Last time we talked about why many addicts don't get help from 21 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:05,800 meetings or programs excuses. We talked about denial, fear of 22 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,960 change, shame, lack of trust, and then mental illness. 23 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:17,680 Now we're going to get into reasons are excuses not to take 24 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:21,200 responsibility, but we're going to get into the excuses of why 25 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:24,080 people don't seek treatment, why they don't go to meetings, why 26 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,840 they don't, you know, enroll in a program. 27 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,080 And I want to get right into this. 28 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,360 The reason and there's we're going to talk about three main 29 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,800 ones. Number one, and I'll let you 30 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,760 talk about this one, is lack of access. 31 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,400 Meetings and programs may not be available in all areas. 32 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,120 Even if they are available, they may not be be affordable. 33 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,080 So people talk about that. I don't have any money 34 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,800 assessable, it's too far away, can't do this to people with 35 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,400 limited transportation or childcare options. 36 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,600 What would you say about somebody that says I can't do a 37 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,640 meeting or program because of lack of access? 38 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,840 You know, so it's the B. Yeah, yeah, a little BS. 39 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,200 Yeah, exactly. Yeah. 40 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:12,360 We we in a spiritual kind of just call you to responsibility 41 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:17,160 way, we might say. I'm not willing to cosign your 42 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,160 bullshit on that one. I love that. 43 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,000 Yeah, I'm not going to cosign your bullshit on that. 44 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:25,680 Another way to say that is when you advocate for your 45 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,320 limitations, you get to keep them. 46 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:34,120 When Yeah, when you argue for your limitations, you get to 47 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,280 keep them. That's good. 48 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,840 I like go ahead. Stay small. 49 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:40,000 Keep limiting your existence. Keep limiting your recovery. 50 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,080 Keep limiting your growth. Do you think so? 51 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,320 The the all of these are nonsense, especially the lack of 52 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:52,120 access. Now, with Zoom, Zoom or 53 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,400 different meeting platforms, you don't even need to leave your 54 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,600 house to find a recovery program. 55 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:03,920 All over the globe. Very interesting part about the 56 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:08,360 recovery world during pandemic, right? 57 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,720 Was pandemic. Exactly. 58 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,720 Well yeah, exactly. But very interesting component 59 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:17,960 to the recovery world during pandemic or or or pandemic was 60 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:20,400 we're built for that kind of shit. 61 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:26,800 We are built and have a program or or programs in place. 62 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:31,400 For when shit gets hard and life isn't giving me what I want, 63 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,440 what did we do? We got versatile, we got 64 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,360 creative and Zoom blew the hell up. 65 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,400 Now I can go to a meeting in Ireland. 66 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,520 Yeah, you can do Microsoft Teams. 67 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:43,760 There's Google. Meets. 68 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,520 It's all free. I could go to a meeting in New 69 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,520 Zealand right now. That's crazy. 70 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,960 There's there's zero excuse for lack of access now. 71 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:56,200 So if I if I'm feeling like I need to drink, I could literally 72 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,840 go online right now and attend a meeting. 73 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,600 And attend for free and attend a a program meeting. 74 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,440 Yeah. Any any recovery program should 75 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:05,160 have that. I don't have to leave my house. 76 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:06,400 You. Don't even have to leave the 77 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,400 house now, but but if you live in a pretty good sized city, 78 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:12,160 Yep, how many minutes away is a meeting? 79 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,320 You know what? Our city. 80 00:04:16,399 --> 00:04:19,320 I would say two. I would say 5 minutes minimum. 81 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,760 And so in Albuquerque, here, like where I'm at right now, I 82 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:26,400 guarantee you, within a couple minutes from where I live. 83 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:31,240 Here, next to the University Nob Hill, I guarantee you 2 minutes. 84 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:32,720 Yep, 3 minutes. There's a meeting. 85 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,040 Yeah, right near a university. Right near a couple churches. 86 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,160 Yeah, it's all here. There's there's, I bet there's 87 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:41,400 that church right there. In our city alone, there's AI 88 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,640 think we have close to 600,000 people. 89 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:52,320 In the Albuquerque area, there are over 400 meetings for just 90 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:58,880 one recovery program. A week in the Albuquerque area. 91 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:03,800 So that means I could go to a different meeting every day of 92 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,600 the year and not go to the same meeting twice. 93 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:08,880 So that's how many recovery groups. 94 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,720 It's literally bullshit. Just Albuquerque. 95 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,240 It's literally bullshit, though. There's not. 96 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:16,400 That's just one program. That's just one type of type of 97 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,480 program recovery. Program. 98 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:21,160 You know what's crazy too, is if you go online, you find one and 99 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,440 it's 5 miles or less from your house, You know it's a great 100 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,160 idea to walk the fuck there. That is a great idea. 101 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,480 It's not only it's not healthy, but it's good to have a walk 102 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,960 there. Attend the meeting with 103 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,760 humility. Yeah, walk back home. 104 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:34,920 Wow. What did you just do? 105 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:39,120 22 healthy things, Yeah. So you're done for the day. 106 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,000 You did two healthy. Things taking care of your body 107 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,160 and your mind and spirit and don't smoke. 108 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:49,320 That's a good afterwards. Don't smoke on the walk, but 109 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:52,760 that's a good. That's kind of like setting the 110 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:56,000 tone for, but limited transportation means I can walk, 111 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,520 I can ride a bike. There's no, there's no excuse 112 00:05:58,520 --> 00:05:59,720 there. And that happens all the time. 113 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,240 Meetings. You don't have to be. 114 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:05,480 I think a lot of people don't want the lack of access. 115 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,440 It just becomes an excuse, 'cause they don't want to face 116 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,840 the demon, you know? They know that it's there, It's 117 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,760 in front of them, and they don't want to. 118 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,760 They can. I'm doing this right now, so I 119 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,000 have something that I need to do and I and I don't want to. 120 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,720 It's a commitment. It's a time commitment. 121 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,760 But I really need to do it for the betterment of me. 122 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,360 It's a program that I need to sign up for and do, and I'm 123 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,920 putting it off, and I've put it off for for about a month now 124 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,040 because it's. I'm procrastinating on the 125 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:39,360 commitment, not not. And I I know inside of my head, 126 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:43,440 like, I know I'm going to benefit from this tenfold and I 127 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,800 know I need to sign up for it. I know I need to do it. 128 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:50,400 I I know, like this is going to help me out tremendously. 129 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:55,360 It's 60 bucks, so the the money is not that much, One. 130 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,400 Number two, there's a little bit of a time commitment. 131 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,680 It's not crazy and for a month now I think about it every few 132 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:07,280 days, but I don't and it's going all online and I don't do it. 133 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:13,800 So it's an excuse I think to begin something and make a 134 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:19,280 commitment because a lot of us, especially for me, if I if, if 135 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,320 I'm going to commit and discipline myself to do 136 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:26,360 something I don't want to fail, you know, like I want to do good 137 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,960 in it. I want and the desire is not as 138 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:33,320 much as I should have for it. I'm not motivated. 139 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:36,760 I'm undisciplined for this, for this one thing, you know. 140 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,800 Sure. So it's like and then I have 100 141 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,800 excuses, I'm not feeling well, my leg is screwed up. 142 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:47,600 The list goes on and on. So I I think lack of access is 143 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,040 an excuse to begin your recovery journey. 144 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,160 Yeah. You know, even even if you've 145 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,320 been sober for a few weeks or a few days or a few months or you. 146 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,800 I I don't. I think and it's the fear, it's 147 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,800 like when you first go to a new church or something, there's 148 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,920 people there. It's nerve wracking meeting new 149 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,680 people. Of course, yeah, of course, 150 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:13,320 yeah. Some of this excuse these 151 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,720 excuses and. Fear of change. 152 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,360 Yes, fear of change. Fear of having to do so. 153 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,640 The devil you know versus the devil you don't know. 154 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:23,800 It's like, I don't know how to do that. 155 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,200 I've never done it before, you know? 156 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:32,919 Unfortunately, sometimes things have to get really bad in order 157 00:08:32,919 --> 00:08:39,400 for me to be willing to take different action and try 158 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,360 something new. Yeah, I was talking earlier 159 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:44,840 today about humility versus humiliation. 160 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,160 Mm hmm. Same word. 161 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,760 Well, I mean, pretty close, but yeah, very different. 162 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:55,280 But humiliation, I it it. There's something about being 163 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:59,000 humiliated in a good way. Where do you learn humility? 164 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,840 By going through perceived suffering? 165 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:04,680 And we're getting spiritual now, but there's something about that 166 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:09,520 that refined you and makes you your it makes your soul a better 167 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,000 person. Like it. 168 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,960 It's some There's just something about. 169 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,120 It's part of the hero's journey. It's every TV show, every movie 170 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:21,400 is the guy goes to his lowest of his lows, learns a lesson, then 171 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,920 comes back and becomes the hero and gets better. 172 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,200 I mean, that's over and over and over. 173 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,400 So we love that. We root for that, the underdog. 174 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,200 That's the Crucible. The Crucible, yes, Or the Forge 175 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,160 and and you drop into the flames. 176 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:36,800 But we we've allowed church and churches and religion to 177 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:41,200 misappropriate humility. Humility is not being like me 178 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,440 can like even Meeks different than what we think. 179 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:47,880 But you know these controlling religious organizations in the 180 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:51,040 14th, 15th century you know they're like don't read the 181 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,360 Bible don't do this We we're we're you know we wear the white 182 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,040 robes. We're the ones that tell you in 183 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,120 Latin you know what you should do and not do. 184 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:03,360 You know the though it's it's those people that re reinvented 185 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,720 the word humility and made it where you're supposed to just 186 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,680 sacrifice and give up of yourself and you know you're 187 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,800 center. I think really low of you. 188 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,280 You know it's this mindset because it's the mindset that's 189 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,480 you got to understand why am I not wanting to go to this 190 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,320 meeting? Why am I making self-awareness 191 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:25,040 question Why am I making fucking excuses not to do something 192 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,720 that's 2 minutes away that's going to help me. 193 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,960 It's not going to hurt me. It's going to help me and me not 194 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,480 making the decision to get up off the fucking couch and make 195 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,760 that 2 minute walk or 10 minute walk or 20 minute walk is only 196 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:41,920 hurting myself and my family and my children and everybody that 197 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,040 knows me and the work that I work at. 198 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,760 I know going to having coffee and Donuts and fucking sitting 199 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:51,280 there and being humbled and having humility. 200 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:54,640 Because humility, if you look up the Latin word, it's it's like a 201 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:59,360 grounding. It's like like, you know, like 202 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,600 hummus. Not, I mean not hummus, but like 203 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,200 what's the earth? It's something like that. 204 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,200 Fuck humus humus. You know, like it's from like 205 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,120 ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You know, there's like a but 206 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,800 it's like it's like a grounding of dirt, an earthy type, you 207 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,600 know, it's it's like kind of getting back to your roots and 208 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:21,080 understanding, you know? So for me, any moment that I 209 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:26,320 have that I have to have humility afterwards, it was 210 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,720 always something that was super important in my life that I 211 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,200 needed to learn. Yeah, these are. 212 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:40,200 These are huge lessons and. You can be willing to receive 213 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,680 some humility, and you can. There are a couple ways to get 214 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:45,560 humility. You can get it face to face, 215 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:49,520 honest with other people and the world, or you could get it 216 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,520 rammed up your ass. Yeah, exactly. 217 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:57,480 And often, especially for people with addictive personalities, we 218 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:01,400 take the beating and the world kind of beats a little bit of. 219 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,960 Becoming humble kind of gets beaten into us in the beginning, 220 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:08,840 right? Well, it's like. 221 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:13,400 Very spiritual thing, to seek humility for the sake of having 222 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,680 humility. That's a wild idea that makes no 223 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,680 fucking sense to someone walking in the room for the first time. 224 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,520 I don't know what that means when I'm new, I'm not here to 225 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,440 get humble. I'm here to not die. 226 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:26,160 That makes sense. Yeah, I'm. 227 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,840 Here to not die. But don't you think that? 228 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:33,560 Don't you think that you, who haven't had a drink in 13 years, 229 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:39,160 still attend meetings, still a part of different programs? 230 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,520 Don't you think that, I mean, you just did a weekend thing. 231 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,200 Who the fuck do you think you are? 232 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:50,760 And you're 3 weeks sober or, you know, 5-6 months sober. 233 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,200 Here's a motherfucker that's going to the meeting that's 234 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:58,440 hasn't had a drink in 13 years and you feel like you don't need 235 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,480 it or you feel like you can't get up out of your seat. 236 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,160 You don't want to help yourself that much. 237 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,640 You know what I mean? It's like it's opposite of 238 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,520 humility. It's arrogance and pride. 239 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:12,600 You know, because you you you don't need to you honestly, I 240 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,800 feel and Dwayne, I don't know you and I don't know your brain 241 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,600 probably pissing people off. When I say this I feel like you 242 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:18,720 don't need to go to the meetings anymore. 243 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,440 You have all new cells in your body. 244 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:21,800 Nine years you haven't had alcohol. 245 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,000 In 13 your your body doesn't know alcohol. 246 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,720 You know what I mean? But you still go. 247 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:30,240 There's a reason, yeah. I mean, you're helping other 248 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,920 people, but there's a but you don't mind going. 249 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,640 There's humble. There's a humility there. 250 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,440 Yeah, there's a You're there to serve. 251 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:41,280 Some of our favorite, my favorite literature says that we 252 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:46,440 come to recovery because our life depends on it. 253 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,200 And then, you know, a little bit time and experience goes by, a 254 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:56,200 little bit of acquiring wisdom goes by, a little bit more time 255 00:13:56,200 --> 00:14:01,200 and experience goes by and. We find that we stay in recovery 256 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:06,160 because we get such a good life from this type of living. 257 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,680 So I love living this type of life so much I'm willing to 258 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:16,120 continue the practice. In addition to that, we 259 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:21,200 inherited debt when we get plugged into a program and there 260 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:26,840 are people there giving of themselves freely to help me. 261 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:34,080 Not die from this disease. We inherit that debt and now I 262 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:39,000 have to freely give that to somebody else and some of the 263 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:46,360 some of them would like it. Some of the common sayings are 264 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:49,360 the only way you can keep this thing is by giving it away. 265 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,320 And that's a paradox. But at the same time, that's for 266 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:55,360 Jesus. Yeah, exactly. 267 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:58,080 You cannot. You cannot transmit something 268 00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,840 you don't have. So if I'm trying to help people 269 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,440 now, I'm no longer here, 'cause I'm selfish and dying. 270 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,080 I'm here to be of service and help. 271 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:07,880 Well, I better have a message of help. 272 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,080 Well, that's the alchemy, the not the transmitting, but the 273 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:14,160 transmuting. Like, it's like all of a sudden, 274 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:19,040 this sickness, this disease that was going to kill me, transmutes 275 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,400 into something that becomes a blessing and a help. 276 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:25,640 It's 1 of and not only does it just save me, but it saves 277 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,960 hundreds of others. It's one of my greatest assets 278 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,840 when 13 years ago it was the thing that was going to kill me. 279 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:33,960 It was the worst thing in my life. 280 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,680 That's spiritual alchemy. It's awesome. 281 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,360 Very powerful. And that's, that's one of the 282 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,880 miracles available for anyone seeking recovery, for anyone 283 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,400 hesitating to go to a meeting, for anybody afraid or or just, 284 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,040 you know, spewing excuses. I couldn't possibly. 285 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,480 It's like, OK, well, you don't get to change inside and 286 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,520 reinvent yourself into something that's going to cure yourself 287 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,960 and even potentially the world. Like, OK, fine, you don't get to 288 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,680 have the hero's journey. Keep giving yourself the excuse. 289 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:06,040 We have to get willing, as willing as the dying can be, to 290 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:10,120 do something fucking different. And when we become willing, our 291 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,880 actions change. All of a sudden you make the 292 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,600 two-minute walk. All of a sudden you're on the 293 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,160 computer logging on, looking up Google search. 294 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,920 Where do I find recovery program in my city? 295 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,520 How can I get access to this phone number? 296 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:28,560 People are so willing to help in these programs, Jason, it's 297 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:31,200 incredible. They will come pick you up. 298 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:36,280 And drive you to the meeting, plug you in and meet like minded 299 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:39,360 people and then drive you back there. 300 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:45,320 It's insane how how much how much love and kindness I 301 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,760 received walking into these rooms when I thought I wasn't 302 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:53,160 even worthy of of living. It was just immeasurable amounts 303 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,360 of grace being poured on you. Yeah, they say by humans that 304 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,240 were addicts, bro. Think about that. 305 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,080 They're displaying grace, the most selfish. 306 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,440 An addict is the most selfish person in the world, right? 307 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,920 Maybe like a baby. Well, yeah, yeah, because 308 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,240 they're they're they just want everything. 309 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:10,880 Like babies are ruthless. You have a two year. 310 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,520 Old That's a good argument. That's a good argument. 311 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,480 It's like, which is different, pretty close on the scales. 312 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,880 So you take an addict, that's the most selfish person in the 313 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:23,079 world and they're becoming this giving and loving person. 314 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:27,880 Yes, and the meetings did that. And that's another paradox the 315 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,600 the, the, the design for living does that. 316 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:37,160 The meeting place is where you find the people that are going 317 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,320 to. It's the container for the 318 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,360 alchemy. To happen exactly. 319 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,880 That's that's that's basically just the public service 320 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,520 announcement for the actual work that needs to be done in order 321 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,880 to change. And that takes place inside my 322 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:52,400 heart, inside my mind, and that takes place all day long if I'm 323 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,120 willing to practice. And that's that's what's 324 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,320 available for individuals seeking, seeking help. 325 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:02,360 It's like it's like Sisyphus. The guy who pushes the rock up 326 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,560 the hill, and you were talking about humility. 327 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,160 This is the same thing. It's the guy pushing the rock up 328 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,040 the hill and then it rolls back down. 329 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:13,920 It's like got to get no, no, I think it was young Carl Jung 330 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,320 said. Well, no. 331 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:19,160 We need to view Sisyphus as happy. 332 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:25,280 He has something to do. He has a load to carry. 333 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:30,040 It's an opportunity here, yes. You have to view him as wanting 334 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,960 to push that rock up the hill. OK, I got another rock. 335 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:39,800 There are plenty of loads for us to carry, so you have to it it. 336 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,000 It's just very helpful to have that perspective. 337 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,880 In regards to man, this is a lot of work, man. 338 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,760 This is challenging, man. What do I have to change? 339 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,880 Fucking everything. It's like pick up the heaviest 340 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,480 load you can. See if you can carry it but that 341 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:58,640 but you've no because of your addiction that became the 342 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:02,240 catalyst to change others. If you wouldn't have had that 343 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:05,080 your addiction, then you wouldn't have been able to help 344 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,680 the tons of people that you've helped. 345 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,920 And part of this again Jason is is another nice example 346 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,120 potentially. It's a nice example of humility. 347 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,200 And I didn't change them like, yeah, of course. 348 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,440 Yeah, all. I did was show them what worked 349 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,720 for me, yeah. And they have to have the 350 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,080 willingness internally to take action or not. 351 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,880 And then you showed them love. Yes, absolutely. 352 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,480 And it gave me purpose. It gave me deep purpose. 353 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,800 Purpose I've never known before. My life was worth living again 354 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:40,560 because of the purpose found in recovery program and the 355 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,400 willingness inside the individual. 356 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:46,840 It it it, it promotes them to have their own relationship. 357 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,480 With their own perspective of spirituality. 358 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,440 It's not mine. I have my own God. 359 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,800 I have my own interpretation of spirituality and path and 360 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,880 practice and and disciplines, and they get to have an 361 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,200 experience of their own. And it's magical. 362 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:03,720 And yeah, and everybody has their own. 363 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,040 And you don't want to miss it. I'm telling you now, you do not 364 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,080 want to miss this. So if you're a 10 minute walk, 365 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,720 20 minute walk, you're basically a 2010 or 20 minute walk away 366 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,720 from love. Unconditional love. 367 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:18,600 From healing from heat, Yeah. Yeah, from From a life. 368 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,040 Oh my gosh, from a life worth living. 369 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:26,560 I'm sitting in my room pulling fucking wings off of flies, 370 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,800 about to kill myself. You can't be happy. 371 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,720 You can't be satisfied. You can't be feeling good about 372 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,360 yourself. Yeah, in In the depths of 373 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:40,720 addiction, death is a step up. And the only, the only thing 374 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,560 that's going to, the only thing that's going to help you is 375 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,680 love. I mean, that's the highest 376 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,520 vibration is love. Very powerful and it's 1020 377 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:53,000 minutes away. Yeah, and and and it can be so 378 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,080 frightening to experience that love when I think I'm 379 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,520 undeserving. Yes. 380 00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,200 And that's kind of that would be an excuse. 381 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,080 That's the exactly. That's the gasoline for the 382 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,200 excuses. That's like, I'm way too afraid. 383 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,720 I know I don't deserve that. And it's it's like the God 384 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,160 consciousness inside of you definitely deserves it and 385 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:13,880 definitely knows you deserve it. I I remember the the old guy you 386 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:17,480 were telling me about that when you kind of came off the wagon 387 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:21,640 because the I I don't deserve love and I I I narcissistic me, 388 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,760 me me. It's like to be honest with you. 389 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,880 He wouldn't say this to you but it's kind of like get over 390 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,120 yourself. Shut the fuck up, have some 391 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,680 humility and sit here the fuck Because we've all been here. 392 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,080 You're not special. They told. 393 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,320 That's exactly what they told me. 394 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,360 They were like, sit the fuck down and shut up. 395 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,280 You don't have anything to teach us anyways. 396 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,480 You need to listen now. Yeah. 397 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,160 And and that message resonated for me. 398 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,360 I I can handle the tough love. That's what I need to hear. 399 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:48,720 Well, that that creates humility. 400 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,920 And then in in Magic happens in humility, baby. 401 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,160 Like there's that spiritual alchemy begins to happen. 402 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,120 He loves walking down that humble pie Rd. 403 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:01,440 That's when. That's when we forge our you 404 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,320 know of who we are as a person. Yeah, very true, Very true. 405 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:07,280 It's in those moments it's humility, a wild journey. 406 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,280 You're like, you're probably like, oh fuck, I better sit down 407 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,440 better. Listen, yeah, I didn't want to 408 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,520 challenge them, for sure. One of my favorite definitions 409 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,400 of humility is just being right sized. 410 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,680 I'm not King Dwayne. Not super sized. 411 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,000 Right sized. Right sized. 412 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,800 Yeah. I'm not King Dwayne. 413 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,360 I'm not the most important person in the room, but you 414 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:30,720 don't get to, you don't get to piss on me either, right? 415 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,840 King Dwayne? I'm not a doormat either, right? 416 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:38,080 Like I'm just a part of. I'm just a bozo on the bus I'm 417 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:43,200 just a member of and that removes a lot of pressure. 418 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,440 That removes a lot of selfish, self seeking, egoic thinking. 419 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,120 Oh it's all about me. It's all about me. 420 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:50,200 It's like no, it's not about you. 421 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,400 You're just a member of. Sit down. 422 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,280 Shut up. Be a member of. 423 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,400 I think that would help. Like, for me, the tough love. 424 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,160 I like that. Like I was in the Marine Corps 425 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,720 and all that. That would help me with the 426 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:04,240 meetings because it instantly puts me at a level of surrender. 427 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:08,360 Very good, you know what I mean? So I know I'm not special, OK? 428 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,280 Shut the fuck up, Jason. Just go and sit. 429 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,680 I don't have to say shit. I don't do anything. 430 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:13,600 I just want. I'm introverted. 431 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,640 I just want to sit here and listen. 432 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,240 But I know I'm in the right place for me right now. 433 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,720 Like there's no better place for me to be. 434 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,880 I'm on, not in a bar, you know, I'm not doing coke in a bathroom 435 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,800 somewhere. I am sitting in a meeting. 436 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,560 This is the best I can do right now. 437 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,800 So be happy. It's a lot better than those 438 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,080 other sordid places. It's a lot better. 439 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,880 Even if my skin's crawling, I'm taking the appropriate action. 440 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,960 And we'll say, you know, you don't think your way into good 441 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,040 living. You live your way into good 442 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,200 thinking. That's good. 443 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:54,680 And I so I have to start acting as if first, if I'm waiting for 444 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,400 my brain to heal itself, I I'll wait forever. 445 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,880 We got it. We got to act as if in the 446 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:02,040 beginning. That's good. 447 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,040 And then that transformation takes place together. 448 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,440 The mind, body and spirit. Those things can start to heal 449 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:07,520 together. We got two more. 450 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,440 We did 24 minutes on. Lack of access. 451 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,240 OK, OK, this is. I love this. 452 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:14,560 That was good. That was powerful. 453 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,200 Negative experiences. Some addicts have had negative 454 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,800 experience with meetings or programs in the past, and so 455 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,800 this makes them reluctant to give them another try. 456 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,600 I've heard this excuse over and over and over. 457 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,640 Guess what? You treated people shitty too. 458 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,120 Way, probably way worse than that person that embarrassed you 459 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:34,840 in the meeting did. Where was that other person's 460 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,760 level at in that moment? Were you ultra sensitive? 461 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:39,520 Were you not? You know what? 462 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,560 Did you really? Were you making it all about you 463 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:42,680 when they were trying to help you? 464 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,800 You know, 'cause you can take something wrong. 465 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,680 Somebody could be very loving in what they say, and then you 466 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:51,480 could take it all wrong and get butthurt over it for no reason. 467 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:53,840 You know what I mean? Like you could have got butthurt 468 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:55,720 when that guy said. That to you. 469 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,280 Like, sit down, shut up. Yeah. 470 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:02,920 Instead, so this this negative perceiving as a negative 471 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:06,680 experience. Plus 10 minutes you can go to 472 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:08,320 another meeting. Exactly. 473 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,040 That's that's what I was going to say is, well, it's the 474 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,720 beautiful piece of recovery is you get to vote with your feet. 475 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,280 Yes, it's like, OK, you don't like that place or you like that 476 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:18,360 or you don't like that individual. 477 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,960 Go to another one, Go to another one. 478 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,440 We've already established that there's hundreds online. 479 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,680 Countless. Thousands, yeah, countless 480 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,960 avenues to find this help. So vote with your feet, go to 481 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:33,920 another one. Another component of that is, 482 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:38,040 you know this perceived negative experience. 483 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,720 I want you to talk about the Catalyst piece about. 484 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,280 Positive catalyst. Negative catalyst. 485 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:46,880 But what I wanted to say was, well, I'm. 486 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:51,040 I'm constantly comparing my insides to these other people's 487 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,520 outsides. It's like they've got their shit 488 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,080 together. They're smiling, they're 489 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:57,080 laughing. I go, Oh my God, this is I 490 00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,720 don't. I don't belong here. 491 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,520 This person said something cruel to me. 492 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:03,520 They weren't even talking about me, you know what I mean? 493 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,400 I made it all about me because I was just a self absorbed in my 494 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,360 head. It's like, I I get that way 495 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:10,320 sometimes. If I go to like a Louis Vuitton 496 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,920 store, our Chanel store, you know, 'cause every, the, the 497 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,520 least expensive thing in there is like 800 bucks, you know? 498 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,560 And I'm like, I'm not worthy to be in here. 499 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:20,560 Right. You know, like I felt 500 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,800 uncomfortable. Right now I I want to go to like 501 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,840 Sears or Walmart. Sure, sure. 502 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:26,960 I love Walmart. I I can fit right in at Walmart. 503 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:31,560 You know, this Louis Vuitton store is out of my you know, I I 504 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:35,960 I get this nervous weird like feeling, you know, 'cause and 505 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:38,560 for no reason. Yeah, but if your life depended 506 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,320 on being in that Louis de Vuitton store, yes, Yeah. 507 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,080 Who the fuck cares what you feel like? 508 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,160 Well, that's what I'm saying. It's like and then that. 509 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,360 It's because the Louis Vuitton store is just selling expensive 510 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,560 clothes and purses and shoes. It doesn't give two fucks about 511 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,840 me. So this is a problem I have with 512 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:56,240 worthiness. Very good. 513 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:59,520 Not feeling worthy, very good. Because if I, if I had, if I had 514 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:03,400 $20 million sitting in the bank, a Louis Vuitton purse for my 515 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,320 girlfriend would be nothing. You know what I mean? 516 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:08,320 So it's not like it's it's the problem. 517 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,720 It's I need to go inside, And that's what you're saying. 518 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,160 I need to go inside of myself and see the reason why. 519 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,400 But what if I'm turning around and and saying what? 520 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,400 What the quote that you say all the time is? 521 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,320 Everything would be OK if it wasn't for you. 522 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:24,360 Right, exactly. This is that same thing I I 523 00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:27,320 would go to a meeting if it wasn't for in, you know, 10 524 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:32,280 years ago, Bill yelled at me. He's it's you're just playing an 525 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,720 addict. You may not be drinking or 526 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,240 smoking or you know, doing whatever. 527 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,720 You're still playing an addict by playing a victim. 528 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,080 Yes, very good, Jason, very good. 529 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:42,600 That's what you hit the nail on the head there. 530 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:48,960 So these negative perceptions spill over into my victim 531 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:54,160 mentality and as long as I remain A victim, I never 532 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,680 recover. And and it goes more than that. 533 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,800 The self-awareness aspect of this, and this is something I've 534 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:02,360 really been working on, why am I getting upset when this person's 535 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:07,120 talking? It's because of a belief that I 536 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:09,920 have, that I gained and everybody's beliefs are totally 537 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,400 different. I can go to Japan, they have 538 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:13,800 totally different beliefs than I do. 539 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:18,000 I can go to India, I can go to Australia, I can go to the UK, 540 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:22,600 London, I can go down South A paired to LA. 541 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:26,720 And it's a totally different all beliefs are as how you were 542 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,520 raised with your parents. It's like a hodgepodge of all 543 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,640 kinds of stuff. Books you've read, things you've 544 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:33,640 watched on TV that resonated with you. 545 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:36,640 So why does a conversation? I mean, we have really good 546 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:39,440 conversations, but why does it have to? 547 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,320 Why does your conversation have to resonate with me for me to 548 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:43,720 feel like it's a good conversation? 549 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:47,360 The negative conversation can be just as good as a positive 550 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,000 conversation. Yes, this is the me taking it 551 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,760 personally, me taking the conversation personally based 552 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:58,400 off of a belief that I have is me saying that I'm separate from 553 00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:58,640 you. Yeah. 554 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:01,200 You're getting into some deep end. 555 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:02,520 Yeah. And then that's me. 556 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:06,720 That's not me loving you, right? Right, so love would be a love 557 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:10,320 would be non judgement because all of suffering comes from 558 00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:13,600 judgement. So, so for me not to suffer and 559 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,920 feel like I got my feelings hurt because Bill yelled at me and 560 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:17,840 said hey hey, meaning he told me to sit down and shut the fuck 561 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:20,360 up. So I left because I was, you 562 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,600 know, instead of loving Bill and thanking him for caring for me 563 00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,240 enough to call my bullshit out because he knows I'm playing a 564 00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:29,520 victim because he played the victim 10 years before that. 565 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:30,960 You know if. You spot it, you got it. 566 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:35,200 Yeah. So if I'm like actually willing 567 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:39,320 and able to understand in a self aware way that all I'm doing is 568 00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:43,760 making myself separate and and this is what I was talking about 569 00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:47,560 earlier, is a catalyst is a learning lesson and a catalyst 570 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:51,200 is something you face and and there's polarity and and there's 571 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,280 bad and good things. You need roots you know as above 572 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:56,240 so below you need the roots, the leaves the tree. 573 00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:59,000 The below is the roots. The above is what you see the 574 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,880 trunk but the things that are happening under the ground that 575 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,240 microchondria or whatever they call it you know the the the 576 00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:07,600 cells that are happening in the root level that's making the 577 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:10,480 tree the roots die. The tree dies, but all we see is 578 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:15,000 the So the below is just as important as the above, so that 579 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,200 root or the negative. Part The negative. 580 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:19,480 The negative catalyst is actually a good thing for you. 581 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,040 Like the Bible says, all things work together. 582 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,080 Yes, that's so powerful. That can be just as 583 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,680 transformative, if not more. Yeah, Bill's saying to shut the 584 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:29,440 fuck up. Can be, I don't know his name. 585 00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:29,960 I'm just making. It. 586 00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:32,640 But that's what I remember from 13 years ago. 587 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:34,280 More than oh, nice to meet you. Very good. 588 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:34,960 Very good. Nice. 589 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:35,760 He was very kind. Yeah. 590 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,120 Yeah. No, I remember the old crotchety 591 00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:40,440 motherfucker that changed my life. 592 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,120 That was that was so transformative. 593 00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:46,320 And you need it. Necessary, Yes, That's what's 594 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,320 necessary. Especially when on the steps of 595 00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:51,120 death, it's like you can change or you can die. 596 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:53,520 What's your fucking choice? Well, you know, we have St. 597 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:55,360 Michael's right here, and we, we've been talking a lot about 598 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,200 Saint Michael's, and I've been reading a lot about archangels 599 00:30:57,200 --> 00:30:58,400 and stuff. Really cool. 600 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:02,960 The Bible says that we can entertain angels unaware. 601 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,880 You don't know that that person that told you to sit down and 602 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,240 shut the fuck up could have been an Angel. 603 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,000 Sure. And just been sent there as a 604 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:13,240 because they're messengers of God. 605 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,240 So what would an Angel give you? Is it going to give you 606 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:18,800 something that's going to make you feel all warm and fuzzy 607 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:20,160 inside? No. 608 00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:21,840 A fucking angel's going to give you the truth. 609 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:24,560 Yes, and it's going to be life changing. 610 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:27,360 That guy, whether he's an Angel or not, who knows. 611 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:28,440 But that guy was an Angel to you. 612 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,480 Absolutely. Something happened in that 613 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:35,840 moment of those old crotchety words that he said that 614 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:40,320 transformed you. That's a message from an Angel, 615 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:42,720 you know. Yeah, I don't possess that type 616 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:46,480 of planning or direction. That's all. 617 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:47,720 God. Or forethought. 618 00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,320 Or, like, 13 years later, he'll be speaking about this with 619 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:53,800 Jason in front of a microphone. Is he gone? 620 00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:54,800 Is the guy gone? Yeah. 621 00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:57,600 He passed away and I was at his bedside when he died. 622 00:31:58,120 --> 00:31:59,040 See. That's amazing. 623 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:00,800 Yeah. It was so powerful. 624 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,000 He saved my life a few times. Countless times. 625 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,760 But. But think about that. 626 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:07,320 That's a miracle. But you could have gone the 627 00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:10,200 other way with when your pride and been like, well, fuck this 628 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,480 old dude, I could kick his ass. Absolutely. 629 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:14,680 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm I'm sure I felt that way 630 00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:16,360 a little bit. I was like, he didn't know the 631 00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:21,160 fuck I am. And he knew exactly who he was. 632 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:22,880 I was him. Well, yeah. 633 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:26,120 Yeah, exactly. So there's a word here, and I 634 00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:29,320 want to kind of get into it, reluctant to give them this 635 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:30,920 might make them. Reluctant to give them another 636 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:36,040 try. In your selfish addiction, and 637 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:38,240 whatever it may be, whether you're addicted to pornography 638 00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,320 or whether you're addicted to eating like I am, food, whatever 639 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:45,560 it may be in this addiction, I don't. 640 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,280 I don't give other people a second chance. 641 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:53,800 I'm so judgmental in my addiction that I'm just fuck 642 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:55,640 you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you. 643 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,400 Fuck them. I'm done with them. 644 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,080 I'm not going to reconcile. I'm not going to forgive. 645 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:05,000 I'm not going to give somebody a second chance, even though I'm 646 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,080 hoping that people with somebody will reconcile with me. 647 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:11,240 Somebody will forgive me. I I don't. 648 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:13,880 This is something I I I've pondered. 649 00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:18,320 And maybe you have an answer for this, Dwayne, Why am I so 650 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:22,040 selfish that I'm willing to just write people the fuck off, you 651 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:23,920 know what I mean? In in in addiction. 652 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:26,320 Like, am I worse when Jason Ed is worse? 653 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:30,000 It's like, fuck everybody, you know what I mean? 654 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,520 To the point of being suicidal or whatever it may be, you know, 655 00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:37,560 I've been multiple times that. But it's like, why is there 656 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:40,040 this? I need grace and want grace and 657 00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:42,240 want love, but then I'm like, fuck you. 658 00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:44,360 You know what I mean of. Course, yeah, yeah. 659 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,480 You know, every every individual's going to have a 660 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,920 little bit of a different answer for that question, but the 661 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:58,280 reluctancy or the the quickness to write people off might be. 662 00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:00,680 My inability to take responsibility. 663 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:05,080 I'm just in. AI don't even see it usually. 664 00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:09,040 It's like Osiris. I'm turning a blind eye to my 665 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:15,440 judgement, to my ego, to my desire for control, so I don't 666 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,639 have to admit I'm wrong. Because I'm not going to dare 667 00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:20,360 fucking be wrong. It's just you're wrong and don't 668 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:22,600 ever speak to me again. I used to say this is my 669 00:34:22,679 --> 00:34:24,639 verbatim. I used to say in Dwayne Ball, 670 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,639 you get one fucking strike. And if you if, if you get 671 00:34:28,639 --> 00:34:33,840 strike, you're out. And my world was lonely and my 672 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:37,000 my world was miserable and my world was what's wrong with me 673 00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:40,480 is you. If only you behaved better, I 674 00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:42,880 would be OK. And I had nobody had the 675 00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,400 opportunity to receive grace from me, 'cause I wasn't 676 00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,360 offering grace, I was just offering judgement. 677 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:51,880 And you weren't on the high flying dude, of course. 678 00:34:52,159 --> 00:34:55,239 My my vibration was you're you've fucked up. 679 00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:59,200 And I'm going to tell you that, and it's like, I won't grace, 680 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,000 but I'm going to be like the opposite of. 681 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,040 That countless relationships doing that and then could you 682 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:06,400 imagine how they that relationship would feel when you 683 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,440 know you're just one strike away from being done? 684 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:10,200 Miserable. You don't want to be with me 685 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:11,920 anyways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 686 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:13,880 It was like a precursor to dating Dwayne. 687 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:17,400 One strike and you're done. Let's interview her now. 688 00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:20,320 And. And anyways, besides the point. 689 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,960 But my inability to take responsibility for what's going 690 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,520 the crazy thoughts, the judgmental thoughts, the 691 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:29,440 controlling thoughts. In my head, I'm the one with the 692 00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:32,160 judgement. I'm the one with the expectation 693 00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:36,760 of you and your behavior. I can possibly just have a 694 00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:39,360 little bit of compassion and see. 695 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:42,560 Oh well. He too, like myself, is sick. 696 00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:46,720 I'm dealing with a sick person. How mad do you get at someone if 697 00:35:46,720 --> 00:35:50,440 they have Alzheimer's? Yeah, you shake them, You say 698 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:51,720 you. Idiot. 699 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:53,840 You got Alzheimer's. What's the matter with you? 700 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:58,000 But I treat people that way when they're selfish, right? 701 00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,720 When they're in addiction. When they're unconscious, it's 702 00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:03,640 the same thing. It's just a different form of 703 00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,960 illness. So why am I getting mad at 704 00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:07,840 someone for having an illness? Yeah. 705 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,520 It's that belief or expectation that you're putting upon them. 706 00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:12,480 And yes, and it's a lack of compassion. 707 00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:19,200 It's like trying to make 2 year old use the potty in one shot. 708 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:22,200 Like I'm going to show you this once, 2 year old, then from here 709 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:23,800 on out you're not going to make a mistake. 710 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:26,360 Yeah, you're going to go potty perfectly every time. 711 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:27,760 Yeah, exactly. It's not going to work. 712 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:28,960 Unrealistic. You're going to use a big 713 00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:32,600 toilet, not the little. Yeah, unrealistic expectation 714 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:42,640 and and it takes a lot of work to 1st analyze my judgement, 715 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,520 recognize that I'm the individual. 716 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:52,480 With the problem, Mm hmm. I'm the individual with a 717 00:36:52,480 --> 00:37:00,240 resistant behavior and resisting reality and then to want to seek 718 00:37:00,240 --> 00:37:04,360 forgiveness or seek understanding. 719 00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,720 Or seek compassion so that's not a normal thing. 720 00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:09,960 I wake up doing like I don't wake up saying, God help me be 721 00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:11,600 compassionate. Like, So what if I went? 722 00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:13,400 Takes a lot of work. What if I went to Bill? 723 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:15,320 Let's use him an example, whatever his name is. 724 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:18,680 What if I went to Bill and I said a year ago I came to this 725 00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:22,160 meeting and you were here and I got really pissed off at you and 726 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:24,560 I just want to say I'm sorry and I apologize and I thought about 727 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:25,680 you. You don't even know who the fuck 728 00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:26,560 I am. Probably. 729 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:28,920 But what if we apologize to the person? 730 00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:31,680 It's important to check our motives. 731 00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:35,800 In regards to the apology, you don't owe an apology. 732 00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:40,400 What'd you do wrong? You showed up and sat down and 733 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:43,280 this guy was rude to you, right? Like you didn't do anything 734 00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:46,840 wrong. So you do not owe an apology for 735 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:50,840 assassinating him. In your mind, you would owe an 736 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:53,640 apology if you assassinated his character to someone else. 737 00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:55,040 Yeah, exactly. Yeah. 738 00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,600 Behind his back. However, it's important to just 739 00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:00,360 check our motives. What's my motive for 740 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,000 apologizing? To be lesser than no no. 741 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:06,880 So you might owe him a thank you instead of an apology. 742 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:10,040 And I want to thank you for those cruel words you told me 743 00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:13,320 because it motivated me and changed my life. 744 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:15,960 I love that. And and you know, the best part 745 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:20,360 about an uncomfortable conversation usually is we don't 746 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,720 die afterwards. You think it was good? 747 00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:26,000 Yeah, it for most, that's transformative. 748 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:27,920 Most of mine are good, if my heart's right. 749 00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:29,200 Correct. The Motive is right. 750 00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:31,680 Yeah, that's the Crucible. That's where we change and 751 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:33,800 evolve. And I don't die after those 752 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:36,120 uncomfortable conversations after I tell Bill, Hey, do you 753 00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:37,720 know you said the thing that really upset me? 754 00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:39,960 Well, it motivated me to come back. 755 00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,720 Or I did. I came just to prove you wrong, 756 00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:44,440 motherfucker. Yeah, exactly. 757 00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:46,120 But tons of people get sober that way. 758 00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:49,320 That's awesome. It's so let's look at the last 759 00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:51,480 one is stigma. Mm hmm. 760 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:54,800 So there's a lot of stigma associated with addiction. 761 00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:58,640 I saw I watched a show a program a while back on meth moms. 762 00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:01,080 You know they call meth moms and these are moms that are trying 763 00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:04,760 to operate at a high level. And so they're taking meth and 764 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:09,840 then trying to stay up all night and clean and cook and take 765 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:12,400 their kids to all these programs and they're trying to be like a 766 00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:14,600 24 hour mom. You know, well you know what's 767 00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,160 going to happen, crash and brush baby. 768 00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:23,160 So, but there's a stigma. There's the stigma with abusing 769 00:39:23,720 --> 00:39:26,680 substances, you know, whether it's drugs, alcohol, food, 770 00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:30,440 whatever. It may be that they're going to 771 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:35,320 be judged or discriminated against if they reach out to 772 00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:36,560 someone. Right. 773 00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:40,640 So to me, this is the stigma excuse is 1. 774 00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:42,840 Yes, it's embarrassing. But motherfucker, you need to 775 00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:46,520 swallow your pride because the first thing you learn is I can't 776 00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:49,360 do this. I the only thing that's going to 777 00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:52,000 help me right now is God. That's it. 778 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,520 Like I had to. I've had several points in my 779 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:56,720 life where I've had to say, and I was. 780 00:39:56,720 --> 00:39:58,800 We were talking about this last week, I think at the gym, where 781 00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:01,880 it's like, my prayer is like, I surrender all, like I just 782 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:04,440 surrender to you, God. I I started using that once. 783 00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:06,720 You said it, yeah. That's like, I surrender to you. 784 00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:09,200 I don't know why I'm thinking these crazy thoughts or why I'm 785 00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:11,680 being pissed off, but I just surrender all this like my 786 00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:15,080 emotions, my brain, my body just surrendering to you. 787 00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:17,840 God, because I can't fix it. I don't. 788 00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:19,520 And the moment? I don't know. 789 00:40:19,520 --> 00:40:22,000 All I know is I feel shitty. You know what I mean. 790 00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:23,720 Yeah. Navigating the spider's web, you 791 00:40:23,720 --> 00:40:26,320 just it's it's like it's too I'm too stuck. 792 00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:32,000 So seeking clarity in regards to the stigma again it's usually 793 00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:35,680 well I have fear. I have a lot of fear about 794 00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:39,560 admitting right what's really going on. 795 00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:40,840 Yeah. And I know there's different 796 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:44,920 programs and stuff like that, and there's a program where it 797 00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:47,640 isn't like the. The first step, or something 798 00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:51,520 like admitting that you can't. Yeah, for most 12 step programs, 799 00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:53,600 that's usually the. First step is you have to be 800 00:40:53,640 --> 00:40:55,720 like a step of admission. Yeah, I can't fucking. 801 00:40:55,720 --> 00:40:59,200 And that step of admission means it's kind of like a movie 802 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,200 ticket, like when you get the IT. 803 00:41:01,240 --> 00:41:02,560 Gets you into the theater? Yes. 804 00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:05,560 When you give the guy the ticket and he rips it says admit one 805 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,840 like you get let in to the theater. 806 00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:11,760 But it's like I can't. I can't handle this. 807 00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:22,040 Only God can I I have to let the knowledge of my illness into my 808 00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:25,680 heart. I have to come to 100% 809 00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:27,880 realization that I have this thing. 810 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:33,280 I have this illness. It's no longer this ego, this 811 00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:36,280 moxie. I'm going to figure it out This 812 00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:38,560 time it will be different. I'll, I'll, I'll find a way to 813 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:41,680 handle all that's done, All that's dead. 814 00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:44,760 I tried it 1000 times. It deals never worked. 815 00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:47,680 Ever. So the admission pieces. 816 00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:54,040 I know in my heart that I have alcoholism and there's no 817 00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:56,040 getting rid of it. Now what? 818 00:41:56,520 --> 00:42:01,120 Now I come from a place of information, I'm informed, and I 819 00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:06,760 can take more informed action as a result of my admission. 820 00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:11,600 So the stigma is once you know, oh, I couldn't possibly say or I 821 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:14,240 don't want to be, I'm not AI, never lived under the bridge. 822 00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,520 I'm not that bad. I'm not that. 823 00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:21,040 And it's like once you come in and get honest, you find out 824 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:24,160 you're just like everybody else and we and there are people from 825 00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:26,480 all walks of life. So it doesn't matter if you come 826 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,840 from Yale or jail this thing, this thing is still available 827 00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:32,160 for you. There's a recovery program 828 00:42:32,160 --> 00:42:39,880 available for you and you know the the recovery's not possible 829 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:41,840 as long as I'm still looking for the differences. 830 00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:44,960 Yes. And you know, I noticed when you 831 00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:47,960 look at like famous people that die early because of, yeah, 832 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:50,440 absolutely. Addiction do say, let's say Jim 833 00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:52,760 Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix. 834 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:59,560 All three died eight years after they got famous and started 835 00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:03,720 using substances and alcohol. Yeah, and it's so and it's so 836 00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:06,040 sad because there's this massive amounts of talent all went to 837 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:07,840 waste. I had a eight-year drinking 838 00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:12,520 career, so is that my body couldn't take any more. 839 00:43:14,240 --> 00:43:16,080 It just gives out. Yeah, I was in the hospital. 840 00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:18,440 That's crazy. I got as close to dying as I 841 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:21,880 ever want to get. And it and it it's amazing 842 00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:24,040 because. And it's like, hey, I'm Janis 843 00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:25,640 Joplin. I'm, I'm, I'm not. 844 00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:27,960 I'm putting words in her mouth. So I don't know if she said this 845 00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:30,280 or not, but it's like, well, I don't want to be discriminated 846 00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:31,680 against. I'm too famous. 847 00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:34,120 You know, I got the next, like Elvis Presley got addicted, you 848 00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,440 know, with drugs. And he's like, I don't want to 849 00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:39,360 let people down. I got to do this next show, you 850 00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:41,600 know, So if I, you know, the doctors, the doctors back then 851 00:43:41,600 --> 00:43:44,040 would just, you know, prescribe you all kinds of stuff. 852 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,160 You know they were given like meth out and everything else, 853 00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:50,320 you know and pills and Quaaludes and list goes on and on. 854 00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:52,360 You know, like candy. And so the next thing you know, 855 00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:55,280 you're like, well, the doctor prescribed it to me, you know, 856 00:43:55,280 --> 00:43:58,800 and then next next thing you know, you're out on the streets 857 00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:02,240 or you're barely making it. You're doing all these weird odd 858 00:44:02,240 --> 00:44:04,840 jobs. You know, I I was talking to an 859 00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:07,120 addict a while back. It's so interesting. 860 00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:10,760 The conversation doesn't make fucking sense. 861 00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:15,080 Like you're in circles and you want to like, shake them like, 862 00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,240 motherfucker, listen to me. Right. 863 00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:21,560 You're all you're not making sense what you're saying until 864 00:44:21,560 --> 00:44:26,480 any anyone is willing to ask for help. 865 00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:30,440 Yeah, and even then still, there's still a lot of, like, 866 00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:35,480 cloudy, really poor cognition. But if you have the stigma, 867 00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:37,400 that's normal. If you have the stigma and 868 00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:39,280 you're thinking, well, I'm going to be judged or discriminated 869 00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,760 against, you're not ready. You're going to have to get 870 00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:43,200 slapped upside the head with the two by four. 871 00:44:43,200 --> 00:44:44,040 Very good. Yeah, very. 872 00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:45,560 God's going to have to You're not. 873 00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:46,880 You're not willing enough? No. 874 00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:48,880 Because you got to be like, well, I don't give two fucks 875 00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:50,680 what people think exactly. I need this. 876 00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:52,960 I I can't do anything. I need you. 877 00:44:52,960 --> 00:44:55,600 God, I need help. Then you're ready. 878 00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:57,600 All it takes is everything you got. 879 00:44:58,240 --> 00:45:01,960 So that that fear of what are other people going to think 880 00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:05,040 about me That very quickly goes out the door when I'm doing it 881 00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:07,440 because my life depends on it. Yeah, it's funny in the Bible, 882 00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:09,720 when you look at Moses and Abraham, yeah, Yeah. 883 00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:12,880 They weren't ready. What did they have to do? 884 00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:16,480 I mean, Abraham was, what, 80, like a old senior citizen 885 00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:18,560 before. And then Moses had to go out in 886 00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:22,760 the desert for 40 years. And both times both, both men. 887 00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:25,960 God said Jonah the same way. Everybody you look, David, you 888 00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,640 know, God both times said, hey, here's your purpose, here's your 889 00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:31,280 mission, here's what you're going to do in life and I'm here 890 00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:32,320 for you and I'm going to help you. 891 00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:34,480 And I'm your supernatural and I'm speaking to you and I'm God. 892 00:45:35,480 --> 00:45:38,520 And they're like, no, not ready. I need to go. 893 00:45:38,520 --> 00:45:41,560 Fuck off, Sabor. For 40 years he went around the 894 00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:44,400 desert and then he comes back, He's like, OK, how many people, 895 00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:46,720 how many children, visual people died, right? 896 00:45:47,240 --> 00:45:49,240 Because he wasn't ready. Hundreds of thousands. 897 00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:53,440 Of slaves and and and you know, and he wasn't ready, so you may 898 00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:56,400 not be ready. Maybe it takes a 2 by 4 up the 899 00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:58,520 head. Maybe the 2 by 4 up the head is 900 00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:00,400 you get into another meat suit. Very good. 901 00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:02,040 Yeah. Unfortunately that happens a 902 00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:03,440 lot. That happens a lot. 903 00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:06,800 Well, I mean every day. And and that's OK too. 904 00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:10,640 Yeah, not that we would suggest that tactic, however. 905 00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:13,240 We just say it takes what it takes. 906 00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:16,200 And unfortunately it takes a lot. 907 00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:21,400 It takes a lot 100% to change. And God, you know you can. 908 00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:31,280 There are ways to advert years of suffering and one way might 909 00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:34,360 sound something like God, I need your help. 910 00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:37,640 Like sometimes the best prayer is God. 911 00:46:37,640 --> 00:46:40,680 I need your fucking help. Like God please help me God, 912 00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:42,640 please help some. That might just be the best 913 00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:45,880 prayer of all time. Another real good one that 914 00:46:45,880 --> 00:46:47,720 worked for me was God make me teachable. 915 00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:52,840 God make me teachable because I had so much game and just so 916 00:46:52,840 --> 00:47:00,200 much moxie and my ego wasn't going to allow me to admit I 917 00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:05,480 can't figure this out and I had to become teachable, had to 918 00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:08,320 become willing to try something different. 919 00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:12,520 Dwayne's way was not working, so I had to reinvent my life. 920 00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:14,480 And I'm not going to do that alone. 921 00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:17,280 Yeah. And I don't want people to close 922 00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:19,160 in this Joanne, that's so powerful. 923 00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:21,000 If you're struggling with addiction, please know that 924 00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:23,560 you're not alone. There is so much help. 925 00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:25,360 That's what we're trying. That's the main objective of 926 00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:28,160 what we're trying to say is there is help available. 927 00:47:28,960 --> 00:47:31,360 It's not a one-size-fits-all approach to addiction. 928 00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:34,400 There's there's what works for one person may not work for 929 00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:36,440 another. And it's important to find a 930 00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:40,120 program that is flexible, adaptable for your individual 931 00:47:40,120 --> 00:47:43,080 needs. And the main thing we're we're 932 00:47:43,080 --> 00:47:46,760 trying to tell you more than anything is reach out for help 933 00:47:46,760 --> 00:47:49,640 today. There's help that is there for 934 00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:51,400 you. Have humility. 935 00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:56,760 Surrender yourself, ask God for help, and it will be there but. 936 00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:58,240 You've got to do the work very good. 937 00:47:58,240 --> 00:48:02,080 I believe that anytime we do ask for help, that's an act of 938 00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:03,600 humility. That's good. 939 00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:05,920 That's me getting right side saying Dwayne can't handle this 940 00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:07,760 on his own. I need some help. 941 00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:13,120 And our lives get really big when we start living that way. 942 00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:16,240 And that's exactly right. I'm so glad you said that, 943 00:48:16,240 --> 00:48:18,120 Jason. Just seek help. 944 00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:24,480 Seek any type of group support. There's there's church, exactly. 945 00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:27,240 There's countless avenues for spiritual development. 946 00:48:27,240 --> 00:48:30,400 And I know now, now, that it's my spiritual development that 947 00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:33,240 keeps me sober. Yeah, for me, for me, church was 948 00:48:33,240 --> 00:48:36,240 really important. When I was, when I wherever I 949 00:48:36,240 --> 00:48:41,240 became depressed and suicidal and homeless and all that. 950 00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:42,800 Like a church helped me out tremendously. 951 00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:44,560 So, you know, everybody's different. 952 00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:46,080 Yes. And everything that they have, 953 00:48:46,080 --> 00:48:48,400 you know, a program worked good for you. 954 00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:53,960 But we both had to go. You had to have that moment of 955 00:48:53,960 --> 00:48:57,480 like, I'm fucked, I'm Jonah and the whale's coming after me. 956 00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:01,760 Yeah. I am not in in line with God's 957 00:49:01,760 --> 00:49:04,320 purpose at all. That's the that's the the belly 958 00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:05,640 of the beast. Yes. 959 00:49:05,640 --> 00:49:08,200 Yeah. And then we revive our lives 960 00:49:09,200 --> 00:49:14,000 with the culture and the knowledge and the wisdom that's 961 00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:17,160 available to us. And it's just our job to go seek 962 00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:19,600 it out. I just have to go seek some of 963 00:49:19,600 --> 00:49:21,480 that wisdom. I just have to go seek some of 964 00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:24,680 that knowledge, and God has a magical way of bringing it to me 965 00:49:24,680 --> 00:49:26,160 when I'm ready. Hmm. 966 00:49:26,160 --> 00:49:27,000 Yeah. That's so good. 967 00:49:27,320 --> 00:49:28,240 Thanks, Joanne. Thanks, Ro.