Welcome to the recovered attic podcast.
It's Jason Rigby host. My other host today is Dwayne
yard when Frank and this is our first episode first episode.
So this is going to be fun. So I want to start off first off
like recovered. Like the word recovered, because
I know that's already going to tick people off because they're
looking at it like you're never recovered like it when you do
training or when you do any type of, you know, know you and we'll
get into your story in a little bit, but I know you're 13 years.
Years sober, right? With alcoholism correct.
So, never really got too heavy into the drugs.
A lot of drugs will pop a lot, like a lot.
I didn't do all the drugs, but I did do a lot and, however, the
alcohol was always prevalent. So, that's the main deal for me.
However, yeah, definitely experimenting with other some.
So, so, you did alcohol and drugs, but you've been 13 years.
No alcohol, no nothing, right? And the crazy part is, when I
first met Dwayne years ago, you were Serving alcohol to me.
Correct. So I think that's that's that's
a really cool is that you could get to the point and and that's
what I would like look at and we'll get into spiritual aspect.
But when you look at the that physical aspect of not even
being or wanting it like it's not like you could serve it to
somebody, you know, at a restaurant or whatever because
you at that time you were working at a high end restaurant
and you you could serve drinks and never ever have a Fire to
say, hmm. I wonder what this tastes like.
Yeah, it's an absolute Miracle to be placed in a position of
neutrality. This thing that used to dominate
my world, right? Every decision based around,
this particular substance meant nothing to me.
So to get to that level because there's a lot of people that are
listening right now and they're like, you know, I'm just every
minute. Yeah, struggling.
Like I'm really struggling. You know what I imagine if you
clicked on this you know and you are you look this up in a
podcast. So, you're all Google and then
our podcast showed up, then you're facing addiction issues
in. This isn't, and I want people to
understand the show isn't just for alcohol or drugs, because
that's what we tend to think addiction correct.
Yes. But, I mean, how many addictions
are there out there? Countless, you can be addicted
to a, I don't know. Scrolling on Instagram.
Yes, Yaks. Yes.
It's a big rambling food. Yeah, I was listening to a guy
last night. Andrew Dice Clay.
Hmm. You know, the old comedian from
back in the day and I don't know if you've heard of him or not,
but he was like, yeah, he was a really famous back.
In the early 90s, he had movies and all that stuff and he was an
addict for he didn't really you know he chain-smoked you know
when his it was part of his act but the big thing was he was
addicted to gambling and he would do like Blackjack and do
all five or six sets or however you do it.
I don't know. I'm not a gambler at all like I
don't like doing that and so he would do all the hands and then
throw down like 50 Grand a hand. Because he was making so much
money, and he's up there with Eddie Murphy and all that stuff
back in the day and he's like, I just had intuition, I knew what
the cards were. So there was like this whole,
giving yourself an excuse, and I want to get into this because
we're going to get into the training that we've put together
and we're going to get into some modules and stuff like that that
you guys can go a long and we'll have PDF downloads for you and
formats and stuff like that and a whole course that's going to
be coming out. But when you think of that it's
like what is the self that? I think that you've got this
like, you know what I mean? Like he's like, well, I can
count cards, right? I'm special, I'm not going to
lose but he ended up admitting that he lost shitloads of money,
you know? And just like you you think
you're special, but you're still hooked on drugs, you're still
hooked on alcohol or sex or whatever it may be absolutely
terminally unique. I'm so unique is going to kill
me. I love this TV.
You say what's the word? I'm not, I'm not much, but I'm
all I think. That's so good.
Yeah, it's an insane. The insane part of addiction is
always my ego, right? He's always the part of me that
doesn't like, to look at reality.
That doesn't like to take responsibility, right?
The part of me that needs to be right?
And really, I'll run you over to get what I want.
Yes. If I'm in my ego so do you think
that like if we want to take it and I want people to tune us out
because we're going to give you a warning.
We're going to talk a lot of spiritual aspects of things.
And you may not, you be like, I don't want that whoosh it, you
know, that type of thing. But when you really, really,
really look at the recovered addict like the recovered part
that when we do past tense and this is something we're talking
about earlier at the gym, is the reason that you can say that.
And I want you to kind of articulate because you did such
a great job. The reason that you can say that
is because That join is gone pretty much.
Yes. Yeah, we were talking about that
earlier. I have and you have also
recovered. I love the idea that this is
going to be a little controversial recovered.
They're not right. But they're still if you're
alive you still have this inside of you and you know, that maybe
one perspective. But another perspective is we've
done the necessary work, the necessary Spiritual Development
to have brought about a personality shift, personality
change. Yes, I like my personality that
person. That I am is different and
Dwayne left to his own devices is not capable of doing that by
himself. Steve.
A thief is not going to teach me how to stop stealing, right?
Yes. That's so true.
Just gonna freakin still right and and that could be an
addiction. I know I remember being sober
and needing to steal because I didn't know how else to get this
high, right. How else do you feel?
And But we don't want to get in trouble.
So we don't want to tell the stores even though this is 13
years ago, this is, but but it was like just little hair
product right hair, gel, your hair, gel hair jobs like I
needed to steal this here tells the size of a can of dip, you
know, easy that is. Yeah.
In your pocket, did you? Yes.
Yeah. It's like, it's like what was
it? Six bucks.
Maybe. And you probably had this
expects easily, but it was the whole idea of was just the
addiction of getting the energetic response of fear
trouble of what if I get caught Thought, but this is really,
really, really good way because people need to understand that
they're addicted. Mentally.
Yes. I mean, not just, we're going to
talk to spiritual part but they're addicted mentally to
those. It's like, you were saying going
to the drug dealer? Yeah, I would get more high on
the way to the drug dealer that I would get from the actual
drugs, are a cops behind you. Yeah, yeah.
I used to drive around in my rearview mirror, I never looked
forward on the road. I just looked in the rearview
mirror and hope they didn't bump into things.
What do you think? Cause that like from mental
emotional standpoint, what do you think caused that desire to
almost like you want to get caught or something?
Like serial killers have that you know, where it's like
they'll do they'll mess up on purpose to hopefully get caught
type of a thing. You know some of them are that
way. What do you think it's desire to
like screw yourself over? Yeah, I think there's this.
You know, there's that's a big question.
That's a difficult question to answer.
It could be different for many different people part of it is
definitely unconscious, right? I don't know.
No. How to confess what I'm doing is
wrong. Mmm.
But I know deep down inside of me, maybe the part of me that's
non-physical. The part of me that's Connected
To Source. The part of me that is of god
right now is that this is probably isn't, right?
So do you think it what you think?
It's narcissism like because it's like you said I'm not much
but I'm all I think about. So do you think it's a point of
that? Where it's like you're just not
because you know, you know, the story here, recently my
girlfriend, I were trying to help somebody You know, what is
it so much pride and and all that, but it's like you could
see them just being so narcissistic, and just wanting
to take all the time for people, you have never give it's in
early sobriety this idea of what you just the question.
You just posed about why this desire of getting caught, why
this narcissism I'm not recovered enough when I'm fresh
trying to get well, To take responsibility for the harm on
causing. I don't like that.
I don't know how to take responsibility.
So that's a key that I mean, this is not some spiritual, we
think this is very practical. This is self-awareness,
practice, absolute. I don't know that so good.
I don't know how, I don't know how to kill.
I'm stuck. I'm gonna screw up and get in
trouble, and you're gonna Force responsibility on me because I'm
not evolved enough yet, right? Ask for it, you know, they own
it. Own the responsibility.
It's almost like we're right there and we're going to get
controversial. Sometimes in the things that we
say and you know, some of you and I like to say, we're not
left, we're not right, we're not none of those things.
You know, we're just here, trying to help people.
And so, some of the things that we say is going to kind of seem
right. Some things we say is going to
seem left, so I don't want you to kind of pigeon-holed, listen
to this, you know, I want to make sure we start that off
right off the bat. You know, there's no politics in
any of this, but I do think like, and we've talked about
this before I do think. Society when there's not, you
know, regulations or rules are for you to be responsible.
Mmm. Yeah, then it's like in my it's
almost weird like in my addiction I can be responsible
but I'm really being irresponsible, if that makes
sense. It's like it's almost like I
need some type of its gang members, for instance, and maybe
people are listening and they've been in a gang or whatever, I
need the structure of this screwed-up family.
You know, even though they're telling me to go, you need to
Oh, you know, like they were doing initiation in California
where they were like, slicing people's ankles, their hide
under a car. And then that was like the I
need some type of messed up structure and you've worked with
tons of of addicts. Like I mean that's your calling
and that's what you do every week.
You work with tons attics, why do you think people crave, you
know, like responsibility like and I know when you are in the
very beginning and I think this is really interesting is
something that was helping you out in the Very beginning.
It was an older gentleman, right?
Correct and such a beautiful certain.
We'll get into that later with you being able to be by his
bedside when he passed away. But like doing self-esteem, obol
acts. Like, what would he tell you,
you know, so you come in broken and you and I lived a life based
on selfish self centeredness and I lived the life where I heard a
lot of people and I was ashamed of a lot of things I've done,
right? And, you know, when he starts
Seeking any recovery. You know, I was walking around
broken as walk around broken and these men that I was around saw
that and yet one of them grabbed me, was this older gentleman
Bobby and Bobby said, like an old-school a old school.
I didn't have a choice and this is New Mexico, right?
Correct. Yeah.
Small town New Mexico. Yeah.
So this is and he said, hey, you want some self-esteem?
And I was a little crying. I could really use some of that.
Start doing a steam of relax, my love.
That that's so good. Start behaving in a way that you
can be proud of the man, you are go over there and help you see
them. You see that group of people go
through the trash? Maybe that's all you can do in
the moment be if service? Yes, yes, it's so good like
taking the trash, maybe that's what you doing and I think might
be it. Yeah, and some people that
they're coming to addiction wanting people to help them.
Sure she and I'm here and I'm just Center of my attention.
And I'm just going to replace you see this all the time and
it's conditioned to also. It's like I have 30 years of
conditioning. There's just, I'm the center of
the universe. You guys better help me.
Right? Right, right, right.
Yeah, for me. And, and those everyone else in
the room here for right. Right.
And you know what a wild idea?
Paradoxical idea. That the only way I'm going to
get better, is if I start helping others, mmm, I start
putting others needs ahead of mine.
And that, that's, that's part of that the how because you are
going to get back to that. And make sure we're
understanding that. How that's part of it.
I mean, there's, there's a long process that you get to go
through. Yes, yes.
That's one of the things is like, you can start doing a
steam mobile acts in service to others.
Absolutely. And you don't and that can
Happen right away. Mhm, yeah, that can happen right
away. So taking out the trash.
Perfect, example. So let's say you're staying with
someone and you're an addict and you're listening to this go take
out their trash. Yeah.
Clean the bathroom that you're using kicked out of your house.
Yes. And now are staying on
Grandma's. Couch uncle's couch, because
nobody in is going to have to have you.
It's right people that go to Grandma's house, throw the
trash. Yeah, go cut the lawn, FML
taneous lie. Okay.
So we were just, we opened the conversation with not, knowing
how to suit up and show up for responsibility.
Mmm, I'm actually Showing up for some responsibility by throwing
the triggers. Yes.
Thank you in the trash. What is this responsibility
giving me? Yes, what is this?
Doing? A steam Obelix giving me, huh,
your Jordan. Peter talks about that with the
sock. Yes, he really does.
Yeah, clean your room. Yeah.
One of his big deals that I really resonate with Jordan
Pederson. He'll say, people are looking
for the meaning that will transcend the tragedy of their
life. Living a an addicted lifestyle.
A if fish self-centered lifestyle is tragic.
Yes, I run people, I hurt people.
And people start to remember that and avoid me.
Mmm. So it's and then some people are
looking for. As much individual
responsibility as they can shoulder to help themselves
their family and their Community.
That's so good. And as a little experience,
wisdom and understanding takes place in this search for
Spiritual Development, or Consciousness development or
recovery development, come to find out Those are the same
thing when I shoulder individual responsibility to improve myself
which in turn, improves my family which in turn improves my
whole Community I find the meaning that transcends the
tragedy myself self existent. I am no longer existing in this
selfish self-centered way because I'm shouldering
responsibility. You just change the Matrix.
They are living in like that programming change.
That's the recovered piece. Mmm.
Yes. And I and that's so good in the
end. Like we're very being very
extremely practical right now and I want to get into the
module number one because I think we, I think this is really
important will get into your story.
My story I was homeless and we'll get into that at some
point, but I just want to start this first episode.
I'll just, you know, helping people right off the bat cool
and giving them, you know, tools and then they can follow through
this process with us in these and then like eventually, like I
said, we'll have courses and stuff like that for people to
take, but our module, One is understanding addiction.
And, you know, one of the things that we have is in, when we look
at understanding our, the, why the, how all those things, the
how, when what, where is the nature of addiction?
And it what we say in our course, is that it's in
composting physical, emotional, spiritual dimensions, and we'll
get into those, but it's not a matter of moral, failings, or
willpower. But rather addiction is a
disease or disagrees is like to say that.
I like that that affects the brain and it's functioning.
So the nature of addiction when you hear that, what is that?
What is how does that resonate with you as far as like being
able to help somebody understand the nature of addiction?
You know what I think we've touched on it a little bit but
it's excellent to jump into the module and get more specific,
regards to pulling back the understanding of my selfishness.
Mmm. The nature of my addiction.
What does it mean to be addicted?
To something, there are different components.
There's definitely a mental component, there's definitely a
physical component. There's definitely a spiritual
Lacking component, right? And at the, at the same time,
with all of that's happening at the same time, What blinds me is
my selfishness in those areas, okay?
Seriously. Like like specifically, like
areas like the way that I treat my family with my mom?
Yes. The way that I treat and you had
talked about that the. So let's, let's do this, because
it's really interesting. So, like your mom kicked you out
after you got sober, right? Correct.
I got Sober Sober for three months.
I wasn't doing anything to deal with my emotional well-being.
Mmm, I was just Just not using it where you just like purely
white knuckling, your addiction and some of them are some people
out there, right now, that's in. That's why there's a large
majority of people struggling with addiction, will try and do
this. I'll figure it out.
I have enough game, I have enough Moxie, I can do this on
my own, I'll do it. The way I am is enough and we're
programs another form of self and there's two.
Absolutely, I'm big enough course, I'm big enough.
I'll do it well, and especially in, in our world in the United
States in the new world. We're top work harder.
Yeah. Apply more.
Yes well I don't if you just if you just grab stronger will you
could do it, do it. Yeah, work harder.
And that's how I mustered those three months, but I was horrible
to be around judgmental hurtful. No, no, just a mere.
Yeah, absolutely. No control.
When it came to my language or disrespectful completely works
like, this is my mom, but not completely, I'm grateful.
Yeah, yeah, yes, the ungrateful part?
Yes. Three months, Albert.
Kicked me out of the house because I was too miserable to
be around. He couldn't stand being around
the type of person. I am when I'm behaving in my
selfish addictions whether I'm using substances or not.
When I many divorces are from that, probably all of them.
Yeah, probably all of them. Because what's wrong with me?
Is you hmm. If only you were different I
would be okay. And that nobody to see that it
got fish sauce have this. Only what did you say?
See that again? What's wrong with me?
This is my Go speaking with this is the second greatest lie of
addiction, right? First greatest lie is this time
will be different. The second greatest lie is well,
what's wrong with me? Is you if only you were
different, I would be okay. And that's a delusion.
What is it about me? That wants you to be different.
That's so good. Ego, my control.
If only the government was different, I would be okay if
only my education was different. I would be okay if My mom wasn't
solely. My mom was different.
Yeah, then, I wouldn't have to be mad at her.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I'll be okay. Are my grandma's letting me
sleep on the couch if I? Yes, and my ego is constantly
demanding that the world around me changes so that I feel fine
or my boss. You know, because traffic
there's a lot of addicts that are functioning.
Sure. And we're speaking of those two
and this is all addiction. Like you may think you have your
sexual addiction under control, but it's going to pop it.
Ugly, head up. And then we're going to get into
that about cutting the head of the snake off.
Yeah. Because you Really good stuff on
that, join that helped me out a lot in a lot of my personality
because I have an addicts. I've always the only thing
that's cause me not to go Hog Wild, and any of my addictions
is purely ego fear. Mmm, I'm a very fearful person.
So the reason I won't do drugs and I've been offered tons of
drugs on its homeless. The reason I wouldn't because I
was so afraid of something taking me over.
Not that, I would become an addict because I care about
myself. I tried to kill myself punch
times, all that stuff, you know? And if you're unfit to be like
I'm such a loser. I can't even kill myself
properly, and if you really want to kill yourself, you could do
it. I failed it.
So, it's just me. Being always say like suicide is
the ultimate selfishness. Absolutely.
Because you're not caring about anybody else?
No, no family. Nobody and then this is your
legacy. This is how you going to leave
the Earth is you and you're just going to get another meat suit
and we'll get into that new and it's just a lesson that you
learned next, you know. But in the meantime, whenever
you look at the nature of a Action.
And what you said is dealing with selfishness.
Absolutely. Yeah, and when you look at
selfishness in and of its in, and of its nature.
So let's get into that because we're dissecting, kind of, like,
we're going to go deep into addiction.
I mean, we're going to do hundreds and hundreds of
episodes of these. And so, until one of us fall off
the wagon, right? Will be on here and we both of
us because we've known each other very, very well both.
Of us got to the point to where I mean I used to back oh I have
it sitting right here whatever that's an addiction but I've
gotten to the point like I don't even want to drink alcohol
anymore. I may have a beer here or there
and I've never had it an addiction with alcohol, but it
lures, my vibration. For sure.
It is poison, absolutely. So I'd always the sounds like a
good idea and then if I do it, like if I drink more than three
beers, you know, I can have two or three Dos Equis, but I drink
more and I get a buzz then with Lily in like an hour or two, I'm
feeling low. And I don't feel like I'm not
being my abundant best. This isn't me at my best.
Yeah, you know, this is, you know, so whether whether you
have a little bit because I believe everybody is an addict,
you know? I mean down deep inside so we're
really speaking to everyone. Everyone everybody has you know,
like you said and I have this if one is good if thousands better
and to keep it real like even even playing, everyone's on an
even playing field here addiction to fear.
Mmm addiction to work. That's me.
Absolutely. You don't have to have ever
touched the substance in your life to not be addicted to fear.
Mmm. Well, does that then it turns
into like addiction to fear turns into people-pleasing and I
can go all into that and never feeling upper limits and we're
going to get it. We're going to do shows on upper
limits. You Opie's.
Yeah of I do I never feel good enough you know?
So and this is a situation that we had when we were helping
someone last week with this is their whole thing was, I can't
be social and less, I have alcohol or drugs in my system.
Like I'm not good enough to do because I'm an introvert.
I'm not good enough to talk to people and that wasn't your
situation because I want people understand all addictions
manifest themselves differently. This isn't like I don't like
programs or everything's like cut and dry.
Yeah, because this is individually.
Like you were just like I'm gonna drink a whole bottle and I
don't really hear I do care but at the if I really cared, I
wouldn't have wound up naked, you know like pissing in you
know pissing on Somebody or something.
I doubt you did that that a lot. But but I remember you telling
me like the greatest gift that you found was like, you found a
hidden bottle. Oh yeah, you'd forgot that you
displacement and was I was in. I was in a blackout and I didn't
remember rice dashing this bottle where I did stash it and
then 11 a.m. the next morning. You find it.
I found it and you're like, fucking gold.
You manifested that right too but it's so funny because it's
like you were like the blackout drunk hurt yourself and like I
said, we'll do more to your story but it may be into a whole
podcast on that, but it's people's addiction and how they
handle it or how they think they're handling it with their
ego. It manifests, in plays out
itself. So uniquely in different.
Absolutely. And it's Sneaky, yes, it's very
sneaky. Well, I didn't think I was
addicted to that, but all I think about is my bank account.
And I just check it. I check how many times I check
my app on my phone. Is it money still there?
Yes it's here too. - yeah I'm in a bar in 18 years or whatever.
Right. But but I but I'm addicted to to
checking because I've I'm addicted.
The fear of money. Yes, are our.
I used to be an alcoholic and now I'm obese and I'm addicted
to food. It does just illegal drug.
I'm addicted to go to the gym. Yes, work out twice a day now
just to keep my crazy mind quiet.
Yes. Yeah, I'm burning my muscle
tissue in my joints. Are breaking apart, however,
twice every day every day. Yeah, and I'm better than
everyone else. Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. You could look better, I'm
better than everyone else, you know.
So I kind of want to get into the physical dimension on this
lesson and we won't get through all of this will go to the next
one. But in the last thing, it says
physical addiction Alters the brain structure and functioning
primarily impacting, the reward system, substances are behaviors
that are addictive stimulate this.
Reward system and we've talked about this for dopamine and all
these and evolution psychology tells us this, you know, like we
it's been ingrained in us, we want to search and search and
then when we find the berries, are we find the deer that we can
hunt and kill everybody? That's that.
Dopamine hit. So you can be at the casino
because some of you are addicted to that and you can be pushing
the button. Push the button, then all the
sudden, all the cherries light up and you think 03 you know and
then you're addicted to that feeling and so you're searching
for that yet. That's just a physical.
All evolutionary psychology thing.
It really doesn't have power over you when you begin to
understand it very good. Yeah.
Yeah, that that's powerful. We like to say, you know, you
and I talked about this a lot. When my internal state is
independent of my outside circumstances, I'm mastering my
environment. Oh yeah, that's so good.
I'm mastering my environment. I have emotional intelligence
and those are the people. I like to hang out with.
You want to hang out with emotionally intelligent people,
but when I'm behaving in addiction, I'm ruled by my
environment. Whatever's going on around me.
Dictates my emotions. So I go to a party and I see
some alcohol and easily run to that.
I'm feeling a lack. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
And then I want to feel electric and I want to feel like I fit
in. So I'm going to give in to the
circumstances that are around me.
I think for a lot of people that are lost in their addiction and
it was certainly my case. Once I ingested, the substance,
And I had a physical experience with the substance for the most
part. I instantly it in.
Hmm. I was instantly a part of to you
begin to start screwing it up because you're drinking too much
in the beginning. That feels wonderful.
Yeah. Oh my gosh.
I was like, mr. Popular.
And people wanted to be around him.
Had a great time. We left.
The can't wait to do that again. Let's do your skiing and
partying and and the progression of chasing that feeling feeding
it. And belonging and connected to,
it's easy to get blinded by the ego, and my selfishness, because
then I'm just chasing this feeling of belonging.
But my life can't be one big party.
Yes, I tried to make it that I tried to say, let's drink and
that's when I start to feel connected and then the physical
structure of my brain gets rewired.
So that I'm chasing this feeling that I Think only exists when
I'm pouring substance. So you literally have to change
your whole life to find this fitting in.
So it's like I need to find alcohol.
Mmm. In a situation so that I fit in.
Yeah. And and fit in fill a part of
right or connected to write all of those were kind of saying the
same thing. We're getting into some Oneness
so I'm going to, I'm going to work at it.
I'm going to work at a bar. I'm going to work at a strip
club. Oh yeah.
So that Mint. So I so I'm going to change
everything. I'm gonna become this crazy
night, owl do all these things. You know.
I do I'm going to make money so I can function but I've
literally given myself up to this addiction.
To the point of I'm going to change my whole life.
I've designed my world around this thing.
Yes. Are you go design your world?
That's awesome. Yeah.
All right, I've created a world mmm around this because we're
manifesting whatever. Absolutely, yeah.
How is it that you got the job at the bar.
Right. Right right.
Powerful creators. We can we can, we can absolutely
We create the world record where we think about, we desire.
So you know like most I don't want to say the word most let me
not say that's wrong but you you've been in the restaurant
arena for a while, I'm used to do that, a lot of bartenders are
taking drinks. A lot.
Yeah, that's on the side or whatever I worked in the service
industry for over 20 years. Hmm, and a particular type of
person is attracted to that environment, right?
There's weed, drugs and alcohol, every single kitchen.
I don't care where you are, has drinks going on, and and brings
going on. So your draughts of an addict is
drawn to that environment because that environment allows
them in their minds to be able to Function.
Because at least I'm making money.
At least I can pay my rent. Hmm.
I mean, they probably have a shitty car.
Probably not living in a nice place or whatever, but I've
given up myself to the addiction so much that I've created an
environment because I want people to understand this
because when you really, this is really powerful what you said,
you know, because this gives you, if you can create that
environment, you can create an environment.
You can create another environment.
Yes. Because you've created that
environment, you just did that because like you said it was
fun. It's fun to be at 1:00 in the
morning and people are dancing and drinking and I want to do
that too. That's fun.
You know, I mean I want a drink and get super buzzed in the
short term that's fun, but if I'm doing it night, after night
after night, after night, and I'm serving drinks and I'm
taking a drink and serving drinks and then when you get
off, I've seen this, you know, bartenders get off their shift
and then they go sit at a table. What do they do?
They drink drink. Yeah, so, you know, over and
over and over, and over again. You're making these micro
choices to service your. Your ego is making these micro
choices to service the addiction.
So you're living to the addiction.
You don't even know who you are. You see what I'm saying?
Like solutely. Yeah, you're not.
And you like I said, you've been in this over.
Yeah. And I you just said, really
resonated with me in regards to you.
Don't know who you are. Those micro decisions are made.
Usually in my I'm pretty unconscious to those decisions.
Yeah I got and I just work at a restaurant not what exactly it
looks pretty and and I can function, I pay my rent, I'm
holding down a job. Yes, yes, it looks pretty.
Yeah. It looks pretty.
I like maybe I'm still young and I look good.
I showered. Yeah, I look at it smell good.
I showed up guys are hitting on me all the time or girls are
hitting on me all the time. I mean, I look great even though
my like livers about it's like it's not a rupture.
Yeah, it's not to go anymore. But but I look good and I had a
miniature in the car before I walked in.
Yes. Yeah.
And then I'm going to do three or four shots during your shift.
Yeah. And then get off and do more
substances that are going to help me drink even more.
Yeah, I dated a bartender for a while and she was that way.
She would she would take the little minis that reminded me
and put them in her coffee for the start of her shift.
So she would go to Starbucks. Yeah.
And get a coffee and then put these little minis in her
coffee. To start her shift and looks
pretty and the early afternoon. You know she'd go to work at
4:00 in the afternoon or whatever three and then next
thing you know she's drinking all the way till 2:00 in the
morning. Addicts are usually super high
functioning people and it's very interesting because they can fit
many personas that makes you super popular.
He fit in with whoever you can fit in with the jocks who could
fit in high school, you know, you can get in with the jocks,
you can fit with the, with the, with the punks you could fit in
with the skaters, the Glee Club you fitted with everybody and I
was able to turn on and off these personas to fit into
whatever scenario I was in but that's because I was trying to
get whatever I wanted to get All selfish selfish self
centeredness knew who to be in particular, situations, two
million even at work because I'm just there for me and you could
get to the level of and I'm like I said we're not right or left
or whatever. You know I always say I'm not
right-wing or left-wing overthrowing the whole bird out,
but but you know, somebody that had that was Bill Clinton.
Hmm. You know, he had sexual
addiction and all that stuff and you could see that clearly.
I mean, there's proof on all that but he became the president
of the United States. And then people would be like
there was people in the people do may not remember this
timeframe, but there was like the Republican Party, the head
guy of the Republican Party Newt Gingrich.
He would like shake his head. He be like I would go in an
office with him, talked to him for 30 minutes and I'm agreeing
with him by the in 30 minutes like he was such a chameleon,
very convincing. Yes, this addict worked his way
all the way up to the president of the United States you know
and you could be an addict like a psychopath or whatever I'm
saying he was but I mean obviously it's a sec.
So addiction problem, but you can get to that level of the
highest function, it still looks pretty.
Yes. Yeah.
Exactly. And you're just meant like you
said, you're manipulating people to get what you want.
And then the whole Center, the universe is built around you to
accomplish whether you want women or guys, or whatever it is
if you could get to that level and I'm that way too like I can
see that I can see that self with me you know it's like how
can I accomplish this? And then it becomes a game.
Absolutely. Yeah.
If you're selfish and self-centered, why wouldn't you
manifest a position where you almost are the center of the
universe? Mmm, everyone knew who Bill
Clinton was? Yeah, that's what I was doing.
What he said to do. Yes, exactly.
Yeah. How do you get to that position?
100%? Yeah, your governor in Arkansas.
How do you get there? And then next thing, you know,
either present United States like hearing, you know, but it's
that's just a high, the highest of the levels.
But what you were saying about you and I want to get into to
this because there's a lot of people that are that are like
bartenders or whatever. You know, addicts are probably
listening to this right now. When you get to that, where
you're having to manifest the environment to support the
addiction. So, like, what like with you
Were you when you started you were sober.
You were, you were partly sober where you were.
You sober when you were, when you got into the food industry?
Or you know what? In the beginning, I was not,
okay? I started my was, you know,
Started From The Bottom. I was a dishwasher at a catering
company and I drinking that drinking and high the entire
time. It was owned by a couple of
lesbians. And they were, they were, they
were tough on me, and they would yell at me.
So go wash the dishes, right? And we love hygiene.
Love lesbians. I just want to tape, they were
great, they were tough, but they were tough on me, right?
And I used to steal campaign after the parties were over that
we through, and I was high all day and drinking champagne.
I was 14 years old. I started very young even 14
years old, fourteen-years-old started drinking.
When I kicked off my addiction career.
Absolutely your diction career. I love for decades.
Yeah and there are already there Had this lack in spirit, how
many 14 year olds were working at a catering company.
So, you're being highly productive.
Yeah, well, highly big chameleon.
Also, I knew what I needed to do in order to get what I needed to
get. And what I wanted to get was
checked out. I wanted to not feel I wanted to
not deal with whatever this lack was going on.
Inside me. I didn't have the articulation
then I didn't know I was spiritually lacking.
I didn't know I was living selfishly.
I just knew that I wanted to do not feel whatever it was.
I was feeling you're like this feels great.
This feels amazing. She's so unconscious like what?
Me know I can look at it now and and know when the monkey my it's
just a monkey mind that ego mine.
You know, it's like I love this. This tastes amazing.
I want. You know, I don't want, I don't
just want one or two Donuts. I want the whole, that's my
problem. I want the whole does.
We're gonna do well, yeah, I'm gonna eat.
I can slam six Krispy Kremes in no time.
We're people may eat one or two, the normal person.
Yeah. And I'm like thinking thing
about it. Well, there's still six left in
that box hour. Later is like, I'll grab another
one. Yeah.
Hour later. Grab another one.
Yeah. The next, you know, I've made a
whole dozen donuts in a couple hours.
Yep. So I started working in the
service industry. While I was partaking in active
alcoholism and drug addiction, the beautiful part of one of the
beautiful parts of my story is, I sobered up and then I still
worked in that industry. Yeah, see that would be tough.
It was tough to me. That would be tough.
Having it around me. It was, it was tough.
But if I was doing the appropriate spiritual work to
know that, I am not my environment.
Mmm. Yes.
I'm not a bottle that has nothing to do with my identity.
That has nothing to do with what's going on inside of me
what we already talked about earlier.
If my internal state is independent of my outside
circumstances, That's one of the most beautiful Miracles that
recovery has to offer us. I can now go anywhere in the
world. A free man.
Because I'm separate from those things that used to dominate me.
Now, they're not you it's not the real, you has nothing to do
with me. Yeah, it's just a bottle with
liquid, and yeah, bottles, some of the, some of the recovery
programs like to say, you know, The substance is but a symptom
of my real disease. I like that as symptoms.
I know that's going to work immediately.
I'm so self-centered and self-centered.
I needed to work immediately. Let's just do that.
Mmm, Yeah. And and it's that instant
gratification that instant, it's the instant like, oh let me
swing to the McDonald's drive-thru.
Exactly. Yeah.
And then I'm going to order, I'm not just, I'm gonna order a
strawberry, shake a Big Mac, 20 pieces of nuggets.
You know, I'm going to order if I'm going Hog Wild and I'm gonna
do it now because how many, like, for me and then that, I've
done that multiple times, but how many times it's just like
the split seconds. Oh, dude, I couldn't possibly
cook a chicken breast, right? And make a salad with a little
dressing. No, I'm just back to the, I
don't even have to stand up. Yeah.
See, get a TT? Yes.
Exactly. You could do it in like any, I
mean, a lot of people have food addictions and in you.
Look at that and it's like, it's so tough because it's literally
everywhere. Yeah, and I know you being able
to work in an environment and control that that could help a
lot of people with food addiction because they're going
to be in that environment. Yeah.
You're going to see a drive-thru.
Everywhere you go. There's plenty of
jack-in-the-boxes, which I love. There's, you know, I mean like
and I have to Make that choice not to go there, you know, an
occasional treat myself to something and you do the same
thing. Occasionally, you treat yourself
like once a week treatment or something like that.
But at that for the most part, you're being disciplined in your
life, the discipline coincides, walks hand-in-hand with
responsibility. So when you begin to take
responsibility for yourself then the how becomes the discipline
not the white knuckling part and this is where we're going to
we're going to do a whole lessons on surrender because I
That's really good. But let me I want to in it in
this because I think this is so good.
On the physical side, you said over time, the brain becomes
accustomed, these high levels of dopamine and develops a
tolerance, isn't it funny? We can develop a tolerance for
drugs, we can develop tolerance for alcohol but the brain does
the same thing. It develops and becomes a cosmic
high levels of dopamine. So you begin this.
Call it. Requiring more of the substance
or the behavior to achieve the same effect.
This is so good. There's like physics and
everything. Else.
I need more like I'm a sex. I don't want to just watch this
type of porn. I'm going to watch this kind.
I don't want just one girl. I want to girls.
Oh no. Now I got two girls.
Now I need to do an orgy. Now I need I want guys to and
girls you know so this addiction just is this abdominal Snowman?
That's like I want more, you know, I need more more.
So you know it's like and it's like if it's one it's 1,000.
How do you look at that, you know, from a physical level when
you think of like dopamine and tolerance levels because
obviously, you went through that whole process of I need more
more, more more. Absolutely.
There's there's a, we have a funny.
I have a nice Circle. And, and you know, we've talked
about this before, also we joke, but it's half true.
You know, with say, well, I just I just suffer from the disease,
more. Yes.
What does that mean? It's like, it doesn't really
matter what you're holding. I just want more so good.
They'll say yes. Here here is this pill?
And if you take this pill, you won't want to drink anymore.
You want to gamble anymore or you won't want to over eat
anymore. I love that if I'm already down
in my addiction, if I've already experienced enough of the
neurological wiring, the dopamine necessity.
Hmm. And they offer me, those two
pills. I'm the only type of person that
says. Well, what happens if you take
two Mmm? Yeah, I'm just, I'm just Dicted
two more. I'm addicted to more.
That makes it so much simpler though and it's almost funny.
It is comical. Absolutely.
It's like oh you know instead of taking this one part I want to
pills. Yeah it's that eating two
Donuts. I want six donuts.
It's the say it's just it does so good and I know some people,
I hope you're getting this right now, addiction to more addiction
to more. What is that addiction?
How simple is that? How easy is it to be unconscious
to my desire for more? If I was eating, Do not
consciously. Do you think I'd need six of
them? No, no.
I ate a donut to to feel satisfied.
There's so much going on there. Like scarcity and comfort and
like, dopamine receptor. I mean, I was just, it's like I
need all of these. Your it was funny because you
were talking about this, you know, you were with somebody
yesterday and you guys were eating something and, you know,
it's like it's like, no, no, no, I need mine.
Like you're like, no, I need mine.
Like, you know, and and then you have two people that are like,
there's not enough, you know what I mean?
We had a massive amount of food and that's not deserve each of
us are like I'm gonna get as much as soon as I did because I
don't want the other person to eat the whole thing, right?
Yes, yes. One person could not eaten what
was available to us. So the the more yeah.
But my ego says well I better get it down so good, bro.
Yeah, yeah. What part of me is that?
Yes, I selfish and self centeredness, I could have fed a
family of eight with the amount of food we had and I'm the one
other person in the room. I'm concerned.
I need two more, that's disease. Yes and I'm the same way it
slides in the ego. It's like at work it's that way
you know operating in a hot you're operating at a high level
and then you're like well obviously this person's
threatening me. So I need to do this to them
it's like a chess game, you know.
Yeah. And because I want more power,
you know I need more of this or whatever, you know, and screw
them because they don't know what I've gone through.
I've been homeless and I've been this and I tell my story, you
know, my ego story over and over again.
And then I get to this level where my brain just switching to
this reptilian mindset, you know, of like everybody's you
know, and my enemy, you know what I mean.
So I do need more and I do want more and there's nothing wrong
because there's a big difference, let's send in this
because I think this would be really good and we'll get to the
emotional Dimension next podcast.
So this desire for more Like there's a positive like
emotional abundance, physical abundance, virtual abundance and
so, what's the difference between like the ego more and
the spiritual abundance? You know what I mean?
Oh, I love that question. Yeah, if I'm blinded by my ego,
There's not enough for both of us.
Hmm yes there's definitely not enough for everybody right.
I'm just going to make sure there's enough for me just to
selfishness to get all the presents on Center.
Yeah, if I'm coming from interbeing, Infinite Source.
No matter what it is and never runs out.
That's so good. Never runs out that my
connection to Inner being my connection to infinite
abundance. If it's infinite then you better
treat it like it's infinite, right?
That's so good. It's my ego.
That wants to make it finite. and, We know from experience.
And that's why we're having this podcast living in, the infinite
is much better way to go through the world 100% and we'll close
the net.