Recovered Addict Podcast. Dwayne, why don't you introduce
yourself and if you don't mind, just real quick.
Kind of give a synopsis of your addiction?
Dwayne Yardman Frank, Thanks for the intro.
Jason. Yes, a recovered podcast.
A Recovered Addict podcast. We're interested in discussing
any unconscious behavior. That contributes to any
addiction, you know, whether that addiction is to money,
whether that addiction is to women, whether that addiction is
to alcohol or drugs. Me personally, my addiction
manifested with alcohol and drugs.
And then as those areas begin to heal, I've been clean and sober
for over 13 years now by the grace of God and the spiritual
work that, you know, we do to maintain that spirituality or to
maintain that sobriety. It's resurfaced in other areas.
Definitely fear, definitely money and fear of money.
You don't know and it evolves. So parts of the addiction have
healed and parts start to rear up after something else heals.
So it's interesting to see the layers of the onion be pulled
back and what comes up next. But we know we we have a strong
belief that if you're walking around in a human skin.
You're probably addicted to something.
Mine's caffeine and nicotine right now.
I'm having both. I was telling you about that.
So I mean, we all have our, what we would call, vices.
And it's so funny that we use the word vice, you know, like a
vice. I deserve this, Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. And and it's something that I
have. I tell myself over and over and
over again that I have no power to control this, you know, So I
I can resist caffeine. But it doesn't cause me not to
lose my job. It may make me get a little
angry cuz I drank too much coffee in the morning.
It doesn't, you know? And coffee's not bad for you and
caffeine's not necessarily bad for you.
But if the doctor told me you need to go straight off of
caffeine, like you can't drink any more coffee for your health,
you know, if there was such a thing I would have a hard time.
I would lie to the doctor. Yeah.
That caffeine is a big one for me too.
Exactly. Definitely addicted to.
Caffeine. I've quit.
I do Copenhagen snuff. It's not a shout out unless they
want to sponsor the show That nuts.
Our addiction to money will will will handle that one but but
that would that's not as hard as the I'm more addicted to coffee
and sweets like chocolate or or Donuts or some pastries.
I think those two are the biggest in the food genre, but I
have to have coffee every morning.
Do you notice what I just said? I have to have coffee every
morning. Yeah, I'm not willing to go
without. Yes, exactly.
Or trust myself enough, or have a belief in myself enough to be
able to surrender to the process of allowing myself to be okay.
In the morning without coffee. That's powerful.
What part of me could be okay in the morning without coffee?
The God centered part of me, the conscious presence part of me.
That presence part of me is not subject to life and death.
That presence part of me is not subject to time.
So is that presence part of me capable of getting tired?
Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, it. Couldn't be tired.
It doesn't need coffee. The subconscious is 24/7.
People don't realize that. But their subconscious doesn't
rest even when you're sleeping, Correct.
It's just going and going and going, you know, so our, our
conscious nature is 24/7 and eternal.
So you know that. I mean, and it's speaking
through our subconscious. It's that direct stream, you
know, that's going. So for me, it's like the less
I'm in touch with that spiritual side of me, the more I view
myself as being separate. The weaker I become through my
ego, and in my ego, My ego cannot handle a donut set in
front of me. My ego cannot handle not getting
mad and checking my bank account all the time and seeing how much
I did that earlier. Me too.
I I looked on my app because I was going, getting ready to buy
something and so I looked on my app and I I don't need to check
it. I'm pretty successful.
I'm not like Rich or anything like that, but I'm pretty
successful. I've worked really hard.
I didn't. For the amount of money that I
was going to purchase something, I did not need to look at the
app. Is it in there?
Yeah. Has it changed?
Well, that's the thing. And there's the worry of a
change. Something unexpectedly happens
and I'm going to be screwed, you know?
So you know that that that was, it wasn't like just to check it
and have no. Feeling like you, you, you, we
talked about this last podcast, but you own a rental properties,
multifamily rental properties, correct?
For investments. Investment properties around
town. Yeah.
And you've talked about being able to write thousands of
dollars of a check and have no emotion, but then sometimes
something, and you talked about the plumbing last time, but then
something can trigger and the next thing you know, you're spun
out. I'm spun out over $3200.
Yes, exactly. A couple months ago we wrote a
check for. The down payment on a brand new
property, you know. So I definitely had spirit
involved in the writing of the down payment and I did not have
Spirit involved in the fixing of the plumbing.
Yeah. And I I I wanted to bring that
up because this the module that we have with our material, we're
getting into surrender again, but we're talking about the
sacred process of surrender and then the ability to be able to
embrace. Recovery, the ability to be able
to, and I like, like David Goggins.
I I love listening to him. He motivates me.
The ability to embrace the suck, you know, and you train all the
time and you're like, you know, now you're going like earlier
today. You're like you're going into
the dark place right here. You're experiencing the pain.
You're going to want to quit, you know?
And then I have to do like more reps.
Yeah, go through that. Yes, it's like surrendering to
the suck. This is going to be shitty and
but I'm going to surrender to it.
And in that process, like our material says, embracing
recovery and opening new pathways.
So when you began to get serious after you were serious, and then
you had a little time where you relapsed with alcoholism and
then you got serious, what was the process?
Can you remember? I mean, I don't know if you were
in Taos or here in Albuquerque or Santa Fe.
Can you remember when you began to kind of embrace like this is
going to be a process and this is going to be my recovery?
Like I got a lean on these people.
I need to do this. You had a program that you did.
I need to do this program. When did you, when do you feel
like you embraced it? You know, after the relapse, you
know, I shared earlier five months, 20 days sober, and I
still had some game left. I still had some moxie.
I'll figure this out. I'll be able to work. 80 hours a
week and still be okay spiritually.
And I was lying to myself. I was not okay spiritually.
I was running off of cortisol and running myself into the
ground and I relapsed. And you know, we I got to.
I got to experience a position of complete willingness.
Alcohol kicked my ass Enough. To where I became completely
willing to do whatever it takes not to die drunk.
So the I was in Taos, NM and God willing, the last two times I
drank, one time was in a bar, Ali Cantina, and I came out of a
blackout being choked by some guy and take him down to the
floor. And then the bouncers, the
bouncers have to pull him off of me and then it cost me $92.00 to
leave. Because I had rung up a $92.00
tab, I had no idea. And then I proceeded to go home.
I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning with
my face stuck to the carpet. I don't know if it was drool or
whatever. It was vomit, but that's where a
lot of Alcoholics wake up, stuck to the carpet and.
What an analogy. Yeah, I was really embracing.
Are you stuck to the carpet? And then I headed up to the ski
valley and proceeded to to drink there.
And again I I'm 57, I drink like I'm 6-7 and I've been a
blackout. I was a blackout drinker from
the start, blacked out, and I came out of this blackout in an
ambulance coming down the Ski Valley Rd.
The only reason I came out of the blackout.
Is because they plugged Iv's into me and they were pumping
fluids into my body. I was restrained on a Gurney and
I was trying to wiggle out of these restraints.
I was fighting with an EMT and they had cut my pants from the
from the pant leg all the way up to my knees, trying to bandage
my knees because I was. I was bleeding and I was black
and blue all over. I felt like I had been hit by a
bus. To this day, I don't know what
happened, but I'm very grateful for whatever did happen, because
whatever did happen helped me start to embrace a recovery
path. It helped me perhaps have a
little bit of an open mind in regards to a different approach
to life. There are really big metal
stairs up there at the Ski Valley.
There are really like high balconies up there at the Ski
Valley. There are some rough dudes up
there at the Ski Valley. Like I said to this day, I don't
know what happened, but I'm grateful for whatever did
happen. And I got, I got down to the
hospital and this woman is just laying it on me.
This nurse, she's like, you're going to die.
You're going to die, honey. Drinking the way you drink,
you're going to die. And I'm like, I know, I know.
And. I was.
I got as close to dying as I never want to get from my
alcoholism. So was it, do you think in that
initial phase, being unconscious that it was fear that kind of
catapulted you? I think it was more of a such a
shocking experience, such a such a shock to the system.
Like traumatic. Traumatic event.
The only thing that knew to step forward next was my spirit,
right? That I didn't have anything
left. Right.
Do you? We talked about that window of
grace. Yes, I didn't have anything left
to offer the. Situation I didn't have anymore.
Game I didn't have anymore. I'll figure it out.
I didn't have anymore. Next time will be different.
All I had left was the God consciousness inside of me.
And I don't really remember being, you know, like that was
not a decision I went into ahead of time.
So the ego had no game left. The ego was broken.
Yes. The ego was broken at 00.
Game left. I'm in the gutter.
Yes. I'm bleeding and this is, this
is, this is my, this is my story.
So I'm there in on the hospital bed and they had cut my pants.
I was missing a shoe. I don't know where what happened
to it and you know, it was winter in in Taos, so it's like
it's a huge ski valley. The nurse was like, here,
sweetheart. I went down to the morgue and I
pulled a pair of shoes off of a dead guy.
Here, wear these shoes so you don't have to go into the fresh
6 inches of snow barefoot with your one shoe.
You're in a dead man's. Shoes.
I'm in the gutter, right? I'm bleeding.
And I'm still judging people's shoes as they walk.
My ego had already rebuilt, bro. I said no, I didn't accept the
shoes. I was like, I'm not wearing some
dead guy's shoes. What do you say about being in
the different pair of shoes or whatever?
And like, I don't step into those?
I'm far from stepping into the shoes.
Or I forgot. How you say?
Well, in the shoes of inner being, yeah, yeah.
Those are the shoes of a dead man.
That's. Totally opposite.
If I'm standing in the shoes of inner being, I'm exactly where
I'm supposed to be. I'm in a line.
It's so wild. Yeah, bro, I said no.
I said no. The spiritual advisor that I had
been plugged in with, I reached out for help.
I called him from the hospital and.
And he answered. His girlfriend answered.
I asked to talk to the girlfriend.
I was like, hey. Susan there, because I knew
Susan was going to be nicer. And then she put him on.
He's like, you got me, what do you want?
And I said, you know, I'm in the hospital.
Do you think you could come and get me?
You'll never guess what he did. He said no, you can come to my
house. He came and got me.
Oh, really? Oh, that's awesome.
He came and got me. I trudged out of that hospital,
6 inches of fresh snow, one shoe in the freezing tous winter.
I got into his front seat of the of his Jeep and his clock.
It was an older Jeep. His clock just said 5:30.
I said this guy, this gentleman's name is Bobby Gibbs.
Saved my life. I said Bobby.
Is it 5:30 in the morning or is it 5:30 at night?
He says 5:30 in the morning. Dwayne, it's 5:30 in the
morning, 5:30 in the morning. And he came and got me.
That's wild. And he reached his hand out when
I was there. Asking for help.
And he answered the call and he answered the call.
And those are the those are the men that were around me that
offered me that window of grace to start doing something
different. So not only did your higher self
offer you a window of grace where God stepped in and and
showed you like, hey, this is that like your ego can't handle
this anymore, This is where we're at.
But then those people that you knew, those friends, those
recovering addicts, themself, they.
Came in and offered you a window of grace.
Yeah, they embraced me, They embraced me and I felt ashamed.
I felt guilty. I had let them down.
Oh, this worry, worry, worry. And if anyone's out there that
has tried and are attempted to to sober up and has and has had
a slip or has gone back out and is experiencing that, it's a
common, it's a common experience.
Experiencing shame, experiencing guilt, even a nervousness to try
again and reenter program. That man saved my life.
That man saved my life, he told me.
Dwayne, there's no room for shame and guilt in this deal
because I don't feel shame and guilt.
Well, it's so funny to me, especially with alcoholism,
like, you think that you would not relapse like you're going to
be one and done like there's no addiction that I know of that
you don't relapse, whether it's me, you know?
Having nicotine or caffeine or whatever, or me having money.
I mean, you're constantly relapsing, you know, I mean the
consequences are a lot more, whether it's drugs or alcohol,
of course, you know, when you're getting blackout drunk or drugs,
you know, that's like that could be really, really bad.
But if it's heroin or meth or, you know, something like
fentanyl. But whenever it comes to this
idea that you think that okay, I'm, I'm, I'm good.
You know, like this isn't going to happen to me again.
You know, I feel the cravings, but I'm being strong enough, you
know, I've done this for months where I've.
I've knuckled it and yeah, yeah. But this is cool because in our
when we're talking about the sacred process of surrendering
and an embracing recovery and opening new pathways, the
material says as an essential cornerstone in the intricate
journey of recovery, that that the art of surrendering.
It is an essential cornerstone and I know you've talked about
cornerstone before and I think that would be interesting.
You know, whenever you're looking at a building and
something being built that cornerstone that that is what
the Mason builds it off of, correct.
You know, So you have to start with the cornerstone and I'm not
a Mason, so you know, somebody can correct us in the comments.
But from what I've gathered is and the Bible talks about, you
know, having your faith in the cornerstone.
You've got to have that and you talk about it inner being, you
know, being in the shoes, inner being.
But that's the cornerstone. Like when.
So the cornerstone is where you start at.
It's like this is where we're going to start building a
process of recovery. Yes.
And the cornerstone is the surrender.
Absolutely. I don't have enough to figure
this out on my own. Reaching out for help, asking
for assistance, admitting defeat, all these things are the
same. That cornerstone, usually if I'm
operating in my ego and if I'm operating in my addiction, I'm
still operating unconsciously. I'm still trying to get my
selfish desires met ahead of any spiritual lifestyle.
So if I'm behaving in that addiction, if I'm behaving in
that unconsciousness, we've talked in, you know, in a
previous podcast about the world of form.
Yes, then the world of form is totally my focus is totally my
drive is totally my concentration.
Yeah, everything is everything. Everything is is form, form,
form. The more form the better.
And I'm obsessed with how the world of form is treating me and
if it's not I'm I'm pissed if it's not treating me well.
But the hard part about having my focus of on world of form if
especially if my identity. Is wrapped up in the world of
form. Is the world of form.
Is very transient. Comes and goes and comes and
goes. None of those things stay the
same. Money comes and goes.
Relationships come and go, Jobs come and go.
Traffic comes and goes. Energy comes and goes.
So if I am blinded by my addiction and I'm wrapped up in
the world of form, any little thing can can.
Pull the rug out from underneath me.
Any little thing can collapse my foundation.
Basically, I'm built on sand. I do not have a cornerstone to
build a strong foundation on have.
You ever been in like an older car and the brakes don't work
very well? That's what I feel like.
Really pump hard. And it's like I'm pumping.
You're praying that it works. I'm praying and I'm pumping and
it's like sometimes work, sometimes doesn't.
But I mean it's like or you get, like I've had loose steering
wheels, you know, like, I mean, you know, I was almost at one
time. So, you know, to get a $500 car
is a big deal. Yes.
You know, I think I paid 300 for a car and got, you know, one of
the cars, you know, and Mazda 323, like a little tiny 80s car,
you know, or something 70s. And it was all like trashed and
ripped and everything. But it drove, yeah, you know,
so. But I can remember it's like
brakes were hardly working. The steering was really crazy.
Like I you. I wouldn't go on the freeway
with the car, you know what I mean?
But it got me from point A to point B, you know, when I was
struggling. But I That's what I'm thinking
of. It's like trying to drive a car.
That's all fucked up. Yeah, it's.
The same thing. You're built on sand.
When you need to to stop, you might not be able to.
And that's the analogy of my addiction.
And that's this. I that's the world of form I
needed to stop and I wasn't able to because I was too wrapped up
in the world of form. I didn't have any other tools
wrapped up in the spiritual dimension.
So yes, the vertical, yes, enter vertical dimension.
Yes. So vertical dimension we want
forefront, we want ahead of in front of the horizontal
dimension. World of form.
We want vertical dimension world of spirit if my identity.
Is wrapped up in the world of spirit.
My consciousness, my spirit, my soul, my God consciousness, my
higher self, my shoes of inner being.
Those things we've already said are eternal.
Those things are not subject to life or death.
Those things are not going anywhere.
So when life comes and tries to fuck me up, I can handle it.
Because those things don't come and go.
Yes, 100%. I'm not going to crumble because
now I'm building on bedrock. Now I'm getting that cornerstone
in place for the rest of my life.
If I have appropriate cornerstone in place with the
world of spirit, then I can build a beautiful life where I
can honor the world of form. We start having really good
jobs, we start having wonderful relationships, we start.
Respecting the flow of energy and money and and and our life
gets really big and we can honor the world of form, but that's
only because it doesn't dominate me.
I'm built on bedrock because I'm my cornerstone comes from the
realm of spirit. And that's a.
Difficult thing to articulate, especially when you're new,
especially when you're like just surrendered and now I need a
spiritual cornerstone like. That's a hard thing to take, no,
no. I don't know.
Yeah. You don't.
Most people don't know. You don't know that when you're
new. When you're new, you just get
busy. You just get busy.
Start taking action, start doing something different.
Going to a website where you can find a list of potential
meetings for a program, that's something different.
Maybe going to a treatment center, that's something
different. Maybe reaching out to to friends
or family and starting to admit I have I have an issue.
I need some help that's something different that's
different than going and picking up the bottle.
Well, even even in the organization that you're a part
of, they have zoom. So you know there's there's
zooms and everything else nowadays.
So you if it's so bad you can't even leave your house, if you
have Internet, you're golden. Yeah, you don't even need to
leave your house nowadays, especially with the Internet to
just find find solution. Right.
Yeah. So I mean that that's the part
that is exciting is that now that there's there's books,
there's audio there, there's a podcast, there's mentors there,
there's so many programs, hundreds of thousands of
programs out there. So, and I guarantee you there's
one that will and you have to expect.
I mean, you always joke about it, but I mean.
You've been 13, you're sober. And how much did that cost you?
Thousands of dollars? Costs a lot, yeah.
It says, you know, we say it usually costs nothing to belong
to any recovery program, but the admission price is really high.
That's that's what I always when I was £50 heavier than what I am
now, I was like, it cost a lot of.
Bad food and alcohol to get me this fat.
Oh yeah, my obesity costs 10s of thousands of dollars.
Absolutely. Over years and years of just
eating shitty and and and drinking tons of beer.
Yes. One of just one of the benefits
of yes, healing and addiction. So you're it's gonna it's it's
gonna cost time. It's gonna cost effort, you
know. And that's where you have to
surrender the suck. You know, like this sucks.
But I got to surrender this. This is really cool.
I like this breaking free. Our material says it's breaking
free from diction isn't merely about bidding adieu to damaging
substance where you're just like saying goodbye.
It's about surrendering to the new life that beckons you, one
filled with profound growth, healing and the joy being
present. So if I and we talked about this
last podcast with the ULP, so I don't want to get too much into
that. I don't know how to surrender to
a new life cuz I have no freaking idea of what a new life
could be. Your new life, you would have
never guessed 13 years ago. The life you live right now,
having a wonderful family, you know, an amazing woman, amazing
children, you've got at least $1,000,000 in property.
So I mean and you have successful, you do multiple jobs
successful. I mean if somebody said in 13
years join when you're in the hospital and you're getting
offered dead pair of shoes and that nurse comes to you and she
goes. Dwayne, I'm from the It's like
Christmas Eve story or whatever, you know?
And it's like, I'm from the future.
And don't worry honey, everything's going to be OK
because in 13 years, this is what you're going to have.
You would not believe her and you would have laughed at her.
Exactly. I wouldn't have believed her.
But nothing. There's no way at 10 times out
of 10, you tell me. Guess how good your life's going
to be? 10 years from now, 13 years from
now, if you follow this spiritual path, if you start
trying to have vertical dimension 1st, 10 times out of
10, I'd sell myself short. Oh, every time, even now, even
13 years from now, what you can imagine is not even.
Yes, yes, that's. Because vertical dimension's
going to take you for. Right, yes, one of our some of.
Our trying to imagine it now, it's like and your higher self
is like, dude. I got you.
I'm the power that creates worlds.
I got you, bro. Yeah, you have no idea what's in
store for you. It's going to be good.
Your dream is to have a house in Barcelona.
I just roll around planets all the time.
I create galaxies. No problem.
Rooftop villa in Barcelona. Done the I was just talking
about that this morning. That's funny.
It's, you know, manifestations in the air.
Yeah, it's a it's wild. You know the.
New life. Because I think this is really
important. It feels like, It feels like
you're gambling, like like it's like, Oh my God, I may, you
know, like if I get this new life, then I may be able to, if
I can just get a job. You know, I was talking to an
addict a couple weeks ago and the whole obsession, because you
got to be obsessed about things because you're addicted too.
So now it's like, I'm gonna get addicted to this new life.
That's all I know. And that's all I know.
So I've gotta get my Social Security card back again.
I've got figure out my driver's license and get the interlock
put in. Yeah, so I have some
transportation and then I'm gonna get a job, and then that's
gonna solve all my problems. But what happens when?
People offer you a drink at the job or offer you a joint or say
hey you know, we we like to go after work.
We like to do this and you know here's some this helps during
just take a bump of this, this will help you.
Focus. Yeah, Yeah.
So, So how do you handle that? You know, it's like, how do you
surrender to a new life, like surrendering to that?
Like that, it seems so overwhelming.
It is. It can be overwhelming.
It is a difficult process for everybody.
Everybody's path will be different along the surrender
idea, especially with the with the old life into a new life.
If I can have faith, you know there's a difference between
having faith and being faithful. So if I have faith, it's like
sure I have faith, I believe, I believe in God, I believe in
something bigger than myself. But if I'm faithful.
Then my feet are what say I believe in God.
I believe in something bigger. I believe in something else.
I'm acting in a manner where I know I'm going to be taken care
of. I was just talking with my wife
last night and I had a older spiritual advisor tell me one
time. He said Dwayne, All forms of
spirituality stem from food, shelter and God.
And he said, if you got those three, everything else is extra
gravy, so be grateful. And I didn't understand what he
was telling me at the time, but he was telling me.
And if I have a knowing, not a belief, but a knowing inside of
me, inside my cells, I'm going to be taken care of in regards
to food, I'm going to be taken care of in regards to shelter,
I'm going to be taken care of because I have God in my life.
Everything else is extra gravy. Everything else just comes.
And now I'm walking in faith because I have an inner knowing
that I'm going to eat, I'm gonna have a safe place to be and it's
going to expand. It's going to get even better.
Yeah, and I think it's important people.
I want people to understand this is a cool side note.
Like, it's really cool. So the New Testament in the
Bible was Coinee Greek and it was very common and that's what
it started out with. Now you have English
translations, so every time you translate something and trying
to convert it from one word, it can get screwed up.
So in the Bible they use the word belief a lot in the New
Testament, but that's a wrong translation cuz when you look it
up in the Coinee Greek, it's a trust, It's a trust truth.
Yes. So that's what you're saying
right now. Knowing.
Yeah, so don't look at it. I don't like the word belief
because it's not. It's like a hope into something
that's ethereal. Just like, I don't really know.
We're like a trust in the truth. Like this is the cornerstone.
I'm going to trust in that. I'm going to trust in the
vertical. Like I can trust in this because
this is that. I can look around creation and
see that this is alive. You.
Know I can see God in everything.
So that I can trust and I don't have to have like some prayer
and belief and hope. You know and something that I
can't see understand, no feel touch.
You know our senses are made for us to understand the spiritual.
Yes. Do you see what I'm saying?
And so I I think this is really important because in Part 2 of
the material it says surrendering ego, embracing,
empathy and and I want us to to because this is so important.
Because we're so narcisstic and we've talked about that before,
the narcissistic ego, that we have to look with the vertical
and dissolve the barriers that fosters connectedness to the
vertical. So you want to surrender and you
want to understand that like very specific process, you have
to begin to become self aware enough and you got to ask
yourself. Where am I being narcissistic
at? Why am I making this about me?
You know, why don't I go to my parents house and sit and listen
to them and not talk very much? Why am I getting angry when I go
to my parents house? Why, when somebody talks to me
that I don't want to listen to them and I want to talk?
Do you see what I'm saying? I'm already thinking about what
I'm going to be saying while you're speaking, and I missed
the whole point. Yes, yes, it's been extremely
egotistical, extremely narcissistic, difficult.
To start having a laser point inspection, laser point focus,
laser point awareness on my selfishness, on my ego.
However, that's what's necessary in order to transform.
That's what's necessary in order to have a new pathway into new
life. How do I start building on this
new cornerstone? I have to be willing to address
the old behaviors that are no longer serving me.
The God consciousness inside of me, the spiritual dimension,
knows that when I'm behaving selfishly, I'm getting further
and further away from the shoes of inner being.
That's why it feels so bad. We start to get our moral
compass back. It was easy to throw morals out
the window. When I'm not feeling from drugs
and alcohol, it is not easy to throw my morals out the window.
My integrity out the window when I'm raw right and in the present
moment and now I don't know how to handle life.
But This is why it's so important and these are the
beginning steps of surrendering and understanding because this
is very very practical like right now.
And you do an amazing that you've shared with me and I use
it all the time, a hundreds of times a day is.
And it's so simple, guys. So you can start this right now.
When you get that narcissistic ego pops up, start trying to
recognize it. You're only going to recognize
it maybe 20 times in a day. Then it turns into 50 times,
then it turns into 200 times, then it turns into 2000 times.
And then using the one that you say.
And we talked about it before, but this is so simple.
Anyone can do this right now. A kid can do this.
That's not real. That's not real.
What is that?
That's a crazy thought. That's not real.
What is that? That's a selfish, selfcentered
thought. Up.
That's not real. On average, every human being
has 60,000 thoughts a day. On average, 58,000 of those
thoughts are repetitive and unnecessary.
They do not serve me. We have to start catching those
repetitive and unnecessary thoughts.
Those repetitive and unnecessary thoughts are usually my ego.
It's usually my selfishness. It's usually my judgment and my
superiority, and it doesn't serve me.
It takes me to a very low vibration, and enough existence
at a very low vibration makes it easy to pick up a drink.
Or I'm gonna stare at Cynthia's the secretary's ass when she
leaves, and then when I'm talking to her, instead of
listening to her and value her as a human, I'm gonna think of
her and what I'm gonna be able to do to her.
Yeah, now your thoughts, because those aren't real.
If you could catch those and be like, this is my ego wanting to
conquer something or. Or not put this person on a
spiritual plane where I'm equal with them and I'm gonna look at
their higher being and they look at my.
So if you're like, that's not real, that's not real.
It's hard. That's hard to do.
Absolutely. Because there's really no in the
beginning of that. There's no.
And I don't wanna get too spiritual here, but.
If you began to obsess over thoughts, and we've all done
this every single one of especially if you're males seem
to do this more than females, but especially if you're a guy
and you've got testosterone and and now you're working with
somebody at work or you're getting in close proximity.
There's this whole idea of obsessing over another woman,
even though you may have a girlfriend or a wife or
whatever. It may be a fiance.
And then you begin to obsess over what is the obsession.
That's not real. But your ego now has control of
you. And now the ego can turn around
and say, yeah, this is real. Imagine this.
But guess what begins to happen, especially if you have somebody
that's not very conscious that you're working with now they're
playing that out too. And especially if they're
attracted to you, they can. If they're not attracted to you,
then you just look like a creep and it and and then now you get
a reputation at work or you get fired, right?
So if they're attracted to you, what's going to happen?
They're going to meet you at that level of vibration.
And then it's just like a bottle or a needle.
Yeah, the consequences are what? You lose your family.
Yes. Go down the rabbit.
Go all the way down the rabbit hole with the crazy thought.
OK. Yes, I have a crazy thought.
I'm going to. You know, this woman is so
attractive. I have to.
I have to.
She's just the best. Go all the way down the rabbit
hole. Who's at home?
My wife. And my children go all the way
down the rabbit hole. I behave in a dishonest, selfish
way. Right.
Narcissistic. And I and I take action on that
Selfish thought. Now I have to be.
I have to perpetuate the dishonesty at home.
Now I have to be pretend to be the man with integrity when I'm
with my family. And maybe that pretending is
hard for me. Maybe that pretending creates
uncomfortable feelings inside of me because I'm not in alignment
with shoes of Yes, yes, maybe it's so uncomfortable we begin
to fight. Maybe it's so uncomfortable I
blame my partner. For how I'm feeling because of
my dishonesty, because of my unconscious behavior, maybe I
project onto her what I have done now.
It is so uncomfortable. Take it all the way down the
rabbit hole. It's so uncomfortable.
She leaves. Who does she take with her?
Your family? Yeah, the kids.
She. Takes the kids she took.
So I lost my wife and I lost my kids because.
Of this selfish, self-centered thought that I couldn't detach
from. So what's different than the
bottle are the nice ass. No difference.
No difference whatsoever. Both of them take me away from
my inner being. Both of them take me away from
my integrity. Both of them take me away from
my high vibration. I know with enough experience
that if I were to say yes to that bottle, I would.
It would make it easier to behave in my unconscious, would
make it easier to behave in my ego, and it would make it easier
to make selfish decisions. Yes, OK, it's like there are
selfish decisions. I realize that.
But now it's OK because I'm not willing to.
I'm not willing to look. It's easier to look away.
It's easier to turn the blind eye.
I I It becomes an obsession. I'm obsessed about the alcohol,
so I can't even see my poor behavior.
And then it turns into, you know, and you know this.
It turns into maybe you were an alcoholic.
Or an alcoholic. But then it turns around and
turns into the woman in that that you're obsessing over.
Invite you to a bar now. Now you're like, well, I
probably could have a chance. She invited me.
So I'll just have a drink that'll loosen things up.
Double screw drinking, yeah. Literally.
Literally, but they'll. Come back from that.
No, you're done. Just.
Take on for a while. But I I like this in the
material because it says the aim is to bring you to the reality
of the present moment. Thereby limiting the notions of
grandeur and fostering an understanding of our inherent
human value. It takes you when you get say
that's not real. Present moment.
Present moment.
Be present, Jason. Be present.
Moment. That's not real.
Be present. Then it begins to silence that
narcissistic crazy ego. Jason, you know what I mean.
The monkey mind. It begins to silence that then
peace begins to come back in. Very good.
But if I'm addicted to the drama of not of not having peace,
because this is the thing and you've shared this with me
before, is and and I'm this way too, being addicted to getting
in trouble. Oh yeah, big time.
The the energetic response, the chemical reaction that takes
place in my brain when I'm in trouble.
I can get in trouble for doing really well.
Whatever it is, I still want to. I just get in trouble.
I subconsciously create situations where I'm going to
get in trouble because I'm addicted to the fear.
I'm addicted to the fear I feel when you have it out for me, or
when you don't like me, or when you want to punish me and that's
that's like you really got to pull back the layers to start
working at some deep. Seats and women.
Women get that way with bad guys.
You know like they get addicted to the drama like and I I've had
a good friend of mine. She was that way.
She's like why does the relationship only last two years
or less, you know and why am I always attracted to guys with
neck tattoos and you know and and which there's nothing
against that. I have a ton of tattoos.
But I'm just saying it's funny how these patterns began to
develop and the material says this and I think it's this is
this is oneness. But in a very simple way this
this step will guide you on focusing on the similarities we
share with others. Rather than the difference
bridging gaps. She has a nice ass and she
doesn't. That's not so.
I need to focus and obsess over the difference.
The gap, yes, that that's very rare to, you know, to to like
super beautiful people. The reason we like them are
beautiful paintings are beautiful.
Art is because it's rare. Like less than 1% of the
population is, you know, a 10. You know A9 or A10 and if you
are then congratulations and you have your own issues with that.
But ego wants to play roles and all kinds of things with that.
But if you're a good looking guy, you're going to get hit on
all the time. It's just part of of of how you
handle that can turn into an addiction too.
Do you, do you know what I mean? Absolutely.
And then now you've created separateness because the
separateness is the part that causes.
The ego to play in its playing field, You've entered the egos
football field, you've stepped on and the ego has game, a game
that you can play and it has rules and has other players
that's going to play with you. You've stepped on to that court.
You know that football field, the soccer field, whatever you
want to call it, however you want to compare, you've stepped
into the arena now. Now you got to abide by the egos
rules and play that game. And that game is she's separate
from me and I want that because it's separate.
Not that I value her just as a human being.
No. You know, or this guy.
I don't like him and I'm judging his shoes when I have one shoe
on and I was offered dead man shoes, you know?
Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, what keeps score?
The ego. Yes.
What deals in degrees, you know? He's a little spiritual.
That guy's very spiritual, though.
Oh, well, she's she's kind of skinny and and cute, but
actually that one over there, she's super sexy.
What deals in degrees? What deals in levels?
You're kind. You know, they're they're all
right. But he that he's making over
250K a year, he's doing good. Or I could never get that guy.
Yeah, I'm not good enough. I'm not, Yeah.
So what deals in degrees? What deals in levels?
What? Who keeps score?
The ego? All of that is my egoic mind.
The egoic mind loves it because then I'm in the mind.
Then I'm thinking, thinking, thinking, separate, separate,
cetera. All of these are judgments.
And the more and more I go down
the rabbit hole, the crazy thoughts with my judgments, the
more and more that venom has an opportunity to enter my life and
I lose myself in the world of form.
We talked about the four steps to a resentment, and it's not
the teeth. Of the snake that kills me.
It's the venom coursing through my veins.
Because now I've been comparing myself to this outside person,
keeping myself separate for weeks, for months, for years.
I've had years of practice to be separate from you and everyone
around me. It's a very stressful way to go
through the world. It's a it's a hard way to go
through the world. We were to open the session
today. We were talking about, you know,
David Goggins, embrace the suck. And one of the ways I like to
say that is choose your heart. Choose your heart.
It's hard to live an addicted life where I'm uncomfortable in
my own skin, I judge everyone around me I'm I behave in fear.
I don't know how to handle my emotions.
And I use substances to block all that out.
And I'm constantly losing things in my world.
I'm losing jobs, I'm used losing relationships.
I'm losing self respect. I don't even respect the person
I am anymore. It's hard to live that way.
And a lot of people aren't willing to live that way.
They just take their life. But it's also hard to adopt
responsibility and start embracing a path to recovery.
And it's also hard to start. Recognizing my crazy selfish
thoughts over and over and over and take responsibility for my
crazy, selfish thoughts and then start behaving differently.
Start walking in faith as if I'm going to be okay because now I
have tools and a foundation to build on.
It's also hard to live a spiritual lifestyle.
You just have to pick your heart. 100% yeah.
And and I think whenever, like for me, I know I I've gotten to
the point spiritually where I know when my higher self is
there and when it's not, or I have glimpses of my higher self.
So I know when it's it's not the good Jason, right?
Like this is not a good Jason right now.
That's thinking this thought or doing this action or eating this
donut, whatever it may be, or going running through a drive
through and eating shitty food. It's like, what caused that?
Why do I have the desire right in this moment?
Like I told you today I had, I was going to get my blood work
because I've been doing like the extra stuff and doing all this
great things and getting blood work done and and and dialing
things in and getting my health like perfect.
Focus with your nutrition. All that and then two donut
stores. Why?
I'm driving Krispy Kreme on the right, Dunkin' Donuts on the
left, and I get into my monkey mind on both.
I didn't stop. Thank God, you know?
But it was the same scenario. And I know it's like that's not
real. That's not real.
That is not the Jason that I wanna be.
The Jason that goes in and gets 6 Krispy Kreme Donuts and then
eats them in his car real fast with the chocolate.
A chocolate. They have the Krispy Kreme, they
have the chocolate. Just chocolate milk.
Those are delicious pure sugar. I'm just spiking my glucose.
I'm gonna get diabetes. My family all died from diabetes
and health issues early, My father obesity.
It's a generic thing and it's just a separate scarcity
mentality. That's all it is.
I won't be able to get this. I need this now.
Narcissistic ego says I don't care about my health.
I don't care how I look. I don't care about my
relationships with people. I don't care about my work.
All I care is satisfying this craving that I need right the
fuck now. And I don't care about anything
and I'm going to do this, You know, that's hard.
Living that life is hard. It is because it comes with
guilt and shame and depression and suicidal thoughts.
It leads, like you said, you're gone.
Like if you if you run that rabbit hole all the way down, it
leads to death. If you would have ran the rabbit
hole, Dwayne probably wouldn't have been here now.
Absolutely not. He wouldn't have had the life
that you live now. You would not have had that.
There was. There's no way, especially with
a more in your face addiction like alcoholism or drug
addiction, drug. There's no such thing as
recreational meth use, you know what I mean?
Like, if you're doing meth, you're probably addicted and
you're probably all the way in, you know what I mean?
There's no like or heroin, any hard drugs like that.
So those are more in your face addictions, they're they're
blatant and they're loud and it's like.
Well, socially they're not accepted.
Either. Correct.
So it's a little more subtle. It's a little more subtle with
my addiction to sugar, it's a little more subtle.
It's a lot more subtle with my addiction to fear.
You know what I mean? Who doesn't have that?
Who's not walking around afraid? It's a it's a rare, rare
individual where they're walking in faith, they know they're
connected to God, and in the present moment, they're OK above
when the literature was talking about being present.
Being present and being able to tear down these old boundaries,
these these walls that I have built up, this old tyrannical
structure of my mind. I'm tearing down these old
thoughts that no longer serve me one of our nice mantras, one of
our nice tools. So a tool we've already
discussed today. Let's get into.
And our material part 4 talks about practical steps so that
let's get into practical steps to surrender and and and one of
them is surrender prayer mantras.
So why don't you continue what you're saying?
Perfect. Perfect.
So one of the one of our our mantras is that's not real.
That's not real. That's a nice prompt for when
the selfish selfcentered thoughts enter my mind.
Another nice mantra we've been doing I've been sharing this
with my mother even recently is thank you God for this moment.
Thank you God for this moment. Thank you God for this moment.
So if I'm interested in
rebuilding the structure of my mind.
What am I going to rebuild it with?
I have 60,000 thoughts a day. What am I going to occupy those
thoughts with? Thank you God for this moment is
a thought. Thank you God for this moment is
an idea. Thank you God for this moment is
an energy. So the undercurrent of the
mantra we understand is where does all power generate from?
Is God two weeks ago? Is God three months from now?
Is God two weeks from now when I have to pay my bills.
The only place my consciousness can exist is right here, right
now, in this present moment. It's not subject to time, so it
is not two weeks in the future, and it's not four days ago.
It's just always so if God is in the present moment.
And the power I want to get connected to is in the present
moment. It makes sense that I'm saying
thank you God for this moment. Thank you God for this moment.
I'm really aligning myself with the power that's available to
me, the power that can help me overcome an addiction.
One easy mantra. Especially fresh when you're
raw. Raw, trying to sober up or
trying to heal an addiction is. God relieve me of this
obsession. God relieve me of this
obsession. God relieve me of this obsession
over and over and over again. 5000 * 10,050 thousand times.
Does not matter how many times I have to say it, I just have to
say it until it's an inner knowing for me.
I believe the repetition, the mantra is powerful enough to
rewire the brain. 100%. We can create new neurological
synapses with the repetition. How many times did Michael
Jordan have to shoot a free throw before it was just second
nature? Yeah, I used to train
salespeople and we used to do word tracks, and it's just
practicing them over and over and over again.
Or when I was in the military, Yes, yes, it's because you're
gonna. And this is so good because in
the military, we used to always say when shit hits the fan,
you're gonna fall to your lowest level of training.
Mm HM So if you have a high level of training, when the shit
hits the fan, it's just gonna be on like you're just gonna be on
like just just cruise control. Yeah, autopilot.
Just boom, boom, boom. Exactly.
So whether it's a mantra, whether and we're gonna get into
the practical Steps to surrender next podcast and then we're
gonna talk about embracing treatment opportunities and
embracing community and what that looks like.
But I think this is really important because I wanna help
people. Maybe you're a Christian, maybe
you're Muslim, maybe we we don't care.
Like whatever your your religious, you know, whatever
you lean, you go towards, you know, if it helps you to put a
mat out and pray towards the east or whatever it may be,
maybe you're into mindfulness meditation.
But a good one is the Serenity prayer.
And if you have to say the serenity prayer 500 times a day
to get you to get your mind kicked back into gear, pray.
Praying. How many times not only do you
do mantras, but you pray too? All day long.
We prayed right before the podcast.
You always prayed before the podcast.
Yeah, we we like to open with prayer.
We always say we'd like to open the door for God first.
I love that allow allow God into the situation first.
That's a prayer. These are simultaneous.
And now it's kind of beautiful because you're doing a couple
things at once. You're having a relationship
with the God consciousness inside of you, my ego.
Over time, God willing starts to be a little more submissive.
To the vertical dimension, letting God come in forefront.
And I'm also thinking I'm very interested in in in having how
many, how many positive thoughts a day do I need to have to live
a good life? If I have 60,000, can I hit
60,000? Yeah, exactly.
Put perfection in the forefront and head in that direction.
Right and so. We're simultaneously praying,
We're simultaneously thinking, We're simultaneously rewiring
the brain, and we're simultaneously conditioning the
ego to be more and more submissive to my spirit.
It's a hell of a deal. It's a hell of a deal.
We're doing all of that at the same time.
Navajo. Ancient or or famous.
Navajo saying Every step can be a prayer.
Every step can be a prayer. I actually start walking my
prayers. I used to.
I was having a big issue. I had an exfiance who laughed
and my ego just was so wrapped up and my identity was so
wrapped up in this relationship and the relationship went away
and I lost. I lost my identity.
Should I kill myself? Should I kill myself?
I'm not me anymore and all of that had to go away in order for
my ego. To break open.
And when the ego breaks open, whatever it is, whatever
traumatic event happens, whatever words of wisdom we
hear, whatever that window of grace is, that's when God's
light can start to shine in. I was simultaneously doing
cardio in my living room on a stationary bike that I bought
for 250 bucks is the best 250 bucks I ever spent in my life,
my roommate at the time. Showed me this video of Oprah
and Eckhart doing their ten part series on a new Earth.
And I would put Oprah and Eckhart in my ears and I would
cycle and I got some tools that helped me reaffirm and and find
my true identity. And so my identity was not
wrapped up in this relationship. My identity started to be
connected to a source, started to be connected to God,
consciousness. I was working at a restaurant
while all of that was unfolding, and I would walk around that
restaurant and I would say I'm only whole and complete in this
moment. I'm only whole and complete in
this moment. I was praying and I was using a
mantra. And I was rewiring my brain and
I was starting to connect to source all at the same time.
And that's how I walked around at work.
And that catalyst of the relationship going away led to
that moment it had to go away. I want to get into something
before we, before we wrap it up. That so people understand is we
are not professionals. We're not medical professionals
with like there's treatments, we always encourage people to go.
There's thousands of. Programs, there's help.
There's zoom class. We talked about that earlier.
But I want people to understand that, you know, so don't take
this as medical advice. Don't take this as anything.
All we're doing is just opening up and sharing each of our
journeys. Yes, about what is going on.
Do you have anything before we go?
Because I I think this is really important.
How, how before we wrap it up just quickly, Dwayne, how
important was it for you to get plugged in?
With the community or group or something?
I would. I would not be here.
If I didn't, I would have died drunk.
It takes experience to understand that wisdom is
collective and together we can make a better decision every
time. Then I can make a loan.
Especially if I'm just lost in my ego, that's good.
So without a recovery program, without a a group or or it's
support, without people guiding me, there's no way I'd be
sitting here today. So I'm eternally grateful
because it saved my life.