Recovered at a podcast, I want to start off with a real life
story from someone named Sarah and she had what?
You'll recognize this. She had an addiction to alcohol
and how it began was it was her way to cope with social anxiety.
Interesting. But she had social anxiety, and
at parties or gatherings, the only way that she would feel at
ease is to drink alcohol. And the addiction really was
rooted in a desire to alleviate her anxiety.
And all alcohol became was a crutch to handle the anxiety
instead of taking the time, we're going to talk about today
and do a self-assessment on the anxiety.
Itself very interesting, yeah, and completely normal for
Alcoholics and drug addicts. I don't feel comfortable in my
own skin. Yes, my skin is crawling.
I love that. Yes, now I'm in fear.
The fear is shutting off oxygen to my brain and I'm having an
energetic response. Cortisol levels increase.
I'm in the sympathetic nervous system.
I'm now in fight or flight. I feel like I'm about to enter a
battle and I'm really at a house party.
And what can I do to not feel this boom?
Alcohol works so quickly. That's why it's easy to get
addicted to. I'm instantly feel something
different. You know, drugs do the same
thing. Gambling does the same thing.
Sex does the same thing. I instantly feel something
different. So go down the rabbit hole.
Enough with that behavior. And sure, it's the mask of my
anxiety, but what's my anxiety? That's just the mask of not
being comfortable in my own skin.
How do I get comfortable in my own skin?
Yeah, it's like and I'm. I'm not maybe you need them.
I'm not a medical. We're not medical in any ways.
But like antidepressants, the same way it's like is the pill.
Have I realistically dealt with my depression and done a deep
dive in my depression? Like, for me, I found for me
personally, not saying for everybody else, maybe people
need, you know, antidepressants. I don't know.
But for me, I was prescribed 8 different antidepressants.
Right. Nothing worked for me.
It just made me tired and I couldn't think very well, like
cloudy. That's what it did for me.
What worked for me was doing the shadow work enough to understand
my depression comes from self. Interesting.
When I'm putting myself 1st and then I'm believing everybody's
against me, that's where my depression hits.
And then I start believing that story that I tell myself, that
false story narrative. Then it's it's just a spiral,
yes, to where I'm laying on the couch watching horror movies,
eating junk food and not wanting to leave the house.
It's. Easier to hide from the world.
Yes, yes, feeling suicidal, all that stuff.
But I want to get in today. Now this is Part 2, so people
need to listen to part one and what?
What would you call the deep self inquiry?
Like? Like a self-assessment?
What do you call it? It's a personal inventory.
So when I take stock of my
grocery store, I'm I'm writing down.
I'm taking inventory of everything on the shelf, right?
And that's what I'm doing with my behavior.
That's what I'm doing with my fear.
That's what I'm doing with my resentment.
That's what I'm doing with my sexual conduct.
That's what I'm doing with my role in these areas.
So a personal inventory, a self-assessment.
Again, we discussed this in part one, but.
Guidance is very important through this process.
I'm just not writing down things Willy nilly.
I have a a good hopefully we we can get plugged into a support
group, we can get plugged into some type of recovery group and
I'm getting guidance through this process.
I'm not just stumbling through it, making this up like this is
not a new Jason and Dwayne idea like this has been going on for
thousands of years, but when I have an accurate view.
Of the things that are kicking my ass, my behavior and my
thinking, then maybe I can have an accurate view of a solution
oriented direction and recognizing it's thousands of
years. When you said that, I laughed
because I was thinking of the old western movies.
Remember, they would go work really hard 1215 hour days and
then they come into town after they get their money.
Oh, yeah. And they blow it on booze,
women. I mean, you could just see it
fighting. Like, I mean, you can watch
those old Westerns. That was it was about, you know,
and they just blow all their money and then they have to go
back out to work again. Yep.
You know, so. And and they would get like
finally take a bath, you know, And it's like all these funny,
you know, movies and stuff like that.
Yeah, I do too. But, you know, you see that.
And it's like that was in the 1800s.
There was the addicts. You know what I mean?
Absolutely. Some literature says they've
there has been Alcoholics since they crushed grapes.
Like once you start doing that shit grease.
Trust me, honey, with the Mead. Yeah, there were enough.
There were There were people drinking uncontrollably.
Even then there was a there's a reason that you have the God of
euphoria, wine and euphoria, Dionysis.
That was that was I was Dionysus reincarnated?
That was my excuse to get blackout drunk all the time.
Yeah, it's so funny. I talked to, I talked to a
Brewer and I was like, you're around beer all the time.
He goes, yeah, I tasted it, drink it.
But he goes, I just tasted or drink it.
He goes, it's not a, you know, which I love beer, but it's not
a for him. It's not, you know, like he's
like you couldn't be an alcoholic and be a Brewer.
Like you have to look at it like a craft.
You would burn your business to the ground?
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
Because he's a yeah. I mean, he's a well, he's
Brewer. Here is he's right, you know you
couldn't be an alcoholic and be a Brewer.
You know, like he's not. He's like I'll taste like a
little these little jars. I'll go up to the fat, you know,
just taste a little bit. And he's like, I'm not getting a
buzz. You know, it's rare that I.
That's like a drug addict trying to sell drugs like, well, he
used his whole supply, you know? Yeah, exactly.
So let's get into identifying patterns, behaviors, and
underlying beliefs in this self inquiry and in the process of
this. Very scary.
And I know you're going to be fearful when you do this.
We talked about this the last We're going to start to notice
reoccurring patterns and these patterns might include
consistently prioritizing your own needs over others.
So why do you think the bottle for Dwayne caused you to put
your own needs over others? Perhaps my parents did a good
job, and perhaps I knew it was wrong to behave selfish and self
centeredly. I knew it was wrong.
My there was a moral. There was an intrinsic moral.
Barometer inside of me that would go off when I took
something that didn't belong to me.
That makes sense, yes. There was an intrinsic part of
me, a natural part of me, that knew it was not right to sleep
with that girl, tell her she's the only one I love, and
simultaneously sleep with another girl and tell her no,
no, I'm not seeing anybody else. There was something inside of me
that knew that wasn't right, the alcohol.
Made it easy not to look at that That makes sense I.
Did not have to look, It would just blur the line of morality.
I wouldn't even look at it. Yeah, it wasn't blur.
I'm having fun. Yeah, it wasn't blur.
It was. It was easy to turn a blind eye
because I didn't have to feel how uncomfortable it was to go
against my morality. I was behaving immoral.
I was. I was doing stuff that I knew
was wrong. But in my drinking, I didn't
have to look at it. It became an excuse to
perpetuate the bad behavior. And that's you don't know that.
I didn't know that early in recovery you don't realize
you're putting yourself over everything.
Else, no. You'd find that out through
years of introspection. It's it's so it's important that
every individual has their own journey.
With this process and pull back their own layers of Why was I
dishonest? Why did I have to behave this
way? What is this desire to get what
I want above all else? And then how come I kept doing
it? You know, that's for every
individual to answer by themselves, but for me, the the
alcohol allowed me to turn a blind eye to my bad behavior and
then after enough of that, that's the only behavior I know.
That's just how I'm getting through the world.
It becomes a norm. It that's it.
Exactly right. Our alcoholic life becomes our
only normal one. I didn't know there was a
different way to live. So a recovery program provides
me with a different way to approach life.
Yeah, it's like it's like in I was reading a book on World War
2 and they were talking about, you know, in Great Britain,
England, all that area. They got eventually got used to
the bombings and then people started just having kids and
having it would be they would get married.
They were showing this one picture of this couple.
They got married. Their house got bombed.
That night was all blown up into pieces and then the next day
they have a picture of them in there.
They went ahead and had their wedding.
You know, it just becomes the craziness becomes normal.
You don't. You don't.
It's not that big of a deal but a bomb just went through your
house because you see it every day.
That's wild. And Jordan Peterson talks about
this and I think it's so interesting and and how the
people in the mental health institutes in in Great Britain
the men had a purpose and they got well like they were like we
have no one else to drive this. We we've got dead bodies all
around and we have an ambulance sitting here and we have
literally no men to drive it. Wow.
And mental help people. Mental help people started like
helping move bricks. Help rescue people.
Yes. And all of a sudden they're
like, I'm fine now. Yeah, like they just needed a
purpose their life. How many, how how many people if
they would do this work through this they would find their
meaning and purpose through this self.
If I'm sincere, all of everybody.
So you want to find your meaning and purpose in life, which
everybody does. Yes, do this work.
I mean, that's what it leads to. Absolutely, absolutely.
Shouldering responsibility gives me meaning and purpose.
I like the word shouldering responsibility.
Putting a backpack on. Very good.
Yeah, absolutely. I'm shouldering.
Well, and it's a load, it is. It's a load and it should be.
Do you know what? You're fucked up.
Yes, absolutely, absolutely human.
Again, Jordan Peterson to reference, Human beings are
beasts of burden. Very similar to sled dogs in a
In that perspective, take away the sled and the dog doesn't
know what the fuck to do with himself, yes?
We're built for a burden. We're built to carry a load.
It's just about finding the load that works for me.
That's the purpose and. That's the purpose.
That's what we're But life is too easy now.
Yeah, it's too, yes. So I might as well just numb
myself out with Netflix. Or numb myself out with vagina
or Dick or relationships or alcohol or cocaine.
Whatever I mean. Not only is it easy, it's
socially acceptable or for me, Donuts.
It's the norm, right? It's the norm. 95 to 98% of the
world is going through, going, walking through their day
unconscious. I'm not willing to take
responsibility for this. It's Donald Trump's fault.
Yeah, I'm not willing to take responsibility for this.
It's the bank's fault, Biden's or whoever.
Whoever. Yeah, we just throw the whole
bird out. We don't care.
Yeah. Yeah.
I couldn't possibly take responsibility for my health.
It's it's my mom's fault because she cooked.
I'm a genetic she cooked no key every every Sunday.
And now I love pasta. You know, like I, people are
taught to sidestep responsibility.
But when I shoulder responsibility and I take on
load, my life gets huge. My life takes on meaning.
I got places to go and things to do and I'm maybe, God willing,
excited about it. Yeah, it's like take out the
trash or fantastic. You know you you had to do that
when you're in your recovery, they would have you take out
the. Take out the trash.
You want to be a purpose? Take out the This is the most
important thing you could do for the day, yeah, is to show up to
this meeting and take the fucking trash out.
And from there, through respect and earning it, you'll get where
you're leading him. Yeah, absolutely.
Well, and also I began to belong.
I was no longer this outsider that was just there selfishly to
take. Yes, yeah.
Yeah. They said no, come in here and
give. Yeah, that's not the
prioritizing your needs over others.
That's that's you now serving others in humility the.
Flip of this, continuously prioritizing my own needs over
others. And the next one is acting from
a place of fear, which we talked about.
And I like the word acting from a place.
Yeah. So it's what stage do you wanna
be on? Let's flip the lights on.
What's the background? What's the scenery you want?
What's the audience you want your creator in this world.
So what stage you wanna be on? Do you wanna be on a stage of
fear or do you wanna be on a stage of creating happiness?
Love. You control the matrix, if we're
creators. Absolutely, we were endowed.
I mean, the Constitution of the United States says that we're
endowed by a creator and that we're all equal.
So if we are creators and we can create whatever we want, I would
imagine we can create how we're going to act.
Very powerful, don't you think? We're creating our own reality,
Yes, Yes, exactly. Do I want to be in the reality
of vertical dimension? Infinite possibility, Infinite
abundance, infinite access to source and solution.
Or do I want to be in horizontal dimension, the world of form?
What happens if that form goes away?
I'm afraid I'm going to lose that form.
I'm going to lose that money. I'm going to lose that
relationship. Now I'm navigating the world in
this horizontal dimension, and I'm in fear.
I'm an ego. Don't you think that fear is
just a false reality of what you think is real?
But it's not. It's for me.
When I'm most fearful is when I'm believing that this is all
there is. Absolutely.
You know, like like this woman is all that there is for me.
This job is all that there is for me.
Like I can easily. And you're the same way as I.
We've talked about this. I can get a job in four hours.
Yep, I'm just that way I can. I'll go and talk to 100 people
in an afternoon, put, put a tie on and go talk to a bunch of
people and I can get a job. Like, I don't worry.
I've never not had a job. You'd get 10 jobs.
Yeah. And you're the same way.
Like you get a job literally this afternoon.
Yeah. Like, no, no.
There would be no question about it.
So why do we worry about that? Why are we worrying about money?
I mean, maybe a job that we don't like in the necessary, but
I mean I could go and get a job I could probably pretty
confident I could get a job that I like.
And same with you. Yeah, you know what?
That's a very good way to present this topic.
And part of it is my condition behavior, part of it is my
conditioning, you know, Eckhart totally likes to say.
And of course, Hindu, Buddhist teachings.
There's no tiger in the room. That's good.
Yeah, Why is Why am I having the energetic, responsive fear?
Why am I behaving as if there's a tiger in this room?
Stop looking for him. Right, right it is a portion of
that is my brain is wired to detect predators.
Tiger is a fucking big predator. So is a snake.
So is a predatory bird. And when that circuitry goes off
in my brain. It's good to be afraid.
If you got to get away from a tiger, you better be afraid.
And you're going to move quickly.
You're going to move quickly. But now that's not happening to
me today. We're not 150,000 years ago in
the trees combating these predators, but my brain has been
conditioned to go there with money.
My brain has been conditioned to go there in traffic, with my
boss, with my coworkers, with, with, with the world around me.
Now the world around me becomes these predators and my brain
doesn't know any difference. I'm fighting a tiger.
I'll fight an avocado, yes, and the price?
The avocado doesn't even know who I am.
Oh my God. Gas.
I'm gonna fight the gas. Liquid.
Yeah. And and and so rewiring the
neocortex, the new brain. Is the task of spiritual
development, especially when it comes to my perspective of fear.
We can rewire that I can have tools today and I can tell
myself that's not real, that's not happening to me today.
Very interesting. The neuroscientist discovered
that we talked about this the predatory call for that monkeys
used to give each other for snake.
Cat and bird. It's the same neurological
wiring that goes off in our brain when we curse.
When I say fuck or when I say whatever, Bad word, short,
guttural word, archaic word. It's the same.
So when I say this fucking avocado, it's fucking gas.
I'm literally cursing the thing that I that I used to
ancestrally view as a predator. This is the same neurological
part of the brain we used to say hey look out, predator.
And now, thousands of years later, I'm still saying hey
predator, but it's not reality. It's a delusion.
The avocado is not a predator to me.
Why am I having an energetic response as it is?
So we're very interested in rewiring the brain, but we're
also very interested in navigating the world with more
freedom. Yeah, and it's so funny if you
just don't put an avocado, but put it in a relationship.
Yes. Why am I looking at my boyfriend
as a snake that's going to attack me and kill me?
Very good. Yes, the response, the energetic
response through evolutionary psychology that I'm having right
now is that he's a snake and he's a predator and he's gonna
kill me. If you think of it that way,
it's funny then. There's a reason the serpent,
It's like, oh, I'm overreacting. He's not a fucking snake.
He may be kind of, but. There's a reason the serpent in
the Garden has this Satanic connotation, right?
Nowhere in Genesis does it say that's the devil, right, Right.
It doesn't say that that explanation evolved over
thousands of years of storytelling, but the
correlation with the snake is that's a predator that used to
kill us. And or it can beguile us like it
could talk us into something. Yes, like, you better be
careful. Like, you know, like you don't
want your woman going around a snake.
Next thing you know, she's giving you an apple.
You know, an SCD, so a nice tool for us, for any, any person in a
relationship or whatever it is, the thing that's kicking your
ass is. Oh, that's not a snake.
That is so. That is such a nice tool to just
be able to. Yes, bring the the Comic Relief
can crack open my ego. It's my ego that's afraid.
So I can have the spiritual mantra and say, oh, that's not a
snake, that's just my bank account.
That's not a snake. That's just an accident on the
highway. Oh, that's not a snake.
That's the mantra. That's the mantra.
That's the spiritual tool. That's not a stink.
And obviously the undercurrent of that mantra is I'm choosing
not to live in fear right now. I'm choosing to walk in courage,
in strength, in vertical dimension.
I am not choosing fear right now.
Well, the opposite of fear is love.
Boom. So, you know, I mean, the
Bible's real clear on that. It talks about that multiple
times. But, you know, and so I always
look at that. It's like when I'm in fear with
this person, thing or whatever, Maybe I'm not in love.
I'm, I'm out. You know I'm out.
I'm out of the I I I've switched.
I can't, You can't have fear and love hanging out in the same
room. You know what I mean?
So. So when I'm being fearful, I'm
not I am not being loving. And the number one thing that I
can do is to love others. Love the world, love the tree,
you know, love the mountain. All that stuff, you know?
And I'm not talking about like going up to a tree and hugging
and whatever. That's great.
Yeah. Yeah.
And to be honest, Jay, and you know this already.
You know, this is important for people to hear, though.
This is the next step in human evolution.
Like, we're not going to get bigger and stronger.
No, we're not. Yeah, you know, but we are going
to evolve spiritually, God willing, and be able to say I'm
choosing love today, That's. What they're talking about I'm
choosing to walk in love. And I've told you this before,
but they're talking about like UFO, like aliens.
Like they have small spindly bodies, no sex organs and a huge
head with a big brain. So it's kind of like they've
evolved past the evolutionary monkey mind.
Yes, and whether you believe in them or not, it doesn't matter.
But I want to get into cuz I think this is good too.
Not only prioritizing our own needs over others, or acting
from a place of fear, but this one is good.
Seeking control in unhealthy ways.
Yeah, seeking control in unhealthy ways.
Now being a leader, that's a healthy way.
Like if you're self sacrificial and you're leading people,
that's what we're not talking. We're not talking about that.
We're talking about manipulation.
Yes, we're talking about dishonesty, which we talked
about. We talked a lot about dishonesty
in the last episode. But why do I have a desire to
seek control? The second great, we've talked
about this before also, but it's, you know, it's important.
The second greatest lie I ever tell myself in addiction is,
well, if only you were different.
Yes, I would be OK. Yes, that's the it's a delusion.
And I tell myself that all day, every day.
So the minute, the minute, I don't mean to interrupt you, but
the minute I think that you're not, OK, then I have choices.
I can act in fear. And in that action of fear, the
choice that I have is to try to control you with an illusion.
Exactly. Or I'm gonna run away from you.
Yeah, I'm out. Yeah, that's sometimes that's
easier. Yeah, so that's the addict
brain. But the real, you know, the real
telling sign of an addict is, well, I'm gonna try harder.
I'm gonna do the exact same thing, but I'm gonna get a
different result this time. That's the first greatest lie.
And so the the the lie I tell myself in that delusion is I'll
be able to control their behavior.
I'll be able to manipulate the situation so that I get what I
want. I can use my words as dishonest
tools to help perpetuate my addiction.
That's all they are. How much of it do you think
whenever you're looking at control?
Or like seeking control, because I like the word seeking because
you never obtain it. It's an illusion.
There's no control. A meteorite could hit us right
now. This podcast would never go, you
know what I mean? It's like if this podcast goes
because, I mean, they've had, they've talked about this matter
of things that almost wiped out the human race multiple times,
you know, these huge, catamalistic, and you could be
worried about that all day long. But obviously if a meter hits,
you're not going to know. You know, you just gone back to
source and here we move on. You know, but it's it's so funny
to me, the illusion, it's an illusion to think that you can
control anything. You can't control the gas prices
of today. Now you tried to control it by
keeping it at 40. You know what I mean?
Yeah. Or me trying to control.
I got a bad e-mail so I I made an extra meeting just so I can
see how everybody is to feel good.
So I I, I I manipulated everything all the way around.
Make it like it wasn't so. And then I got the meeting.
And then I'm going to see how the temperature of everybody in
that meeting you know so because that all came from fear and
security and I can't control but and I'm basing, I'm basing it
off of delusion of what I think may not even be true.
But I created this all of this and wasting people's time and
doing all of these things, manipulating everything all
around me just so I can feel that I have a sense of control
tomorrow after the meeting. Do you see how silly that is?
Yeah, that was manipulation, control, all of that.
It's wild, but it's part of the game we were taught to play.
You know, again, it's some of this is condition behavior, some
of this is I need the world to act a certain way and then I'll
be OK. So what control mechanisms can I
put in place that I get my desired response or I get my
desired result? And if we're in the business of
doing God's will, the world is no longer about what I want.
And that's a motherfucker. Yeah, that's hard.
That's a hard one to swallow. It's like, what do you mean?
The world is not about what I want?
And it's like, well, if my motive is pure, then that's the
proper use of the will. To love and serve others as high
as calling. But if but if my motive is
selfish, it's a losing strategy. It's miserable going through the
world that way. Which I think 99.9% of most
people's yeah viewpoint of what How their life would be perfect
is a version of having something more than I want now.
You know, like I've talked to multimillionaires and they're
not happy because they're not a billionaire.
Yeah, their yacht is smaller than.
The billionaire shot, you know, and then that yacht is is five
years old. It's not the, the, you know, I
didn't get from the factory the one that I wanted or you know, I
went to the watch place. We like watches.
I went to watch place and this guy got it and I didn't because
he's on the list because he's bought more than me.
You know, there's all of this, like, comparison, yes, and ego.
So we we've looked at this deep self enquiry, I want to have a
example here, a real world example of.
David and he recognized a pattern in his life where he
constantly sabotages relationships due to a deep
seated belief that he was unworthy of love.
And this is what we're going to talk about next.
Whenever someone got close to him, he would push them away
with his addictive behavior. And so he did self inquiry.
And through the self inquiry he connected this pattern to a
belief formed in his childhood when his parents divorced.
So he found out his addiction. Was this belief that he had
built and like you said, a thought that you keep thinking
over and over again is a belief about his parents divorce.
He all went back to found that that he had never dealt with
that and then it ended up helping him with this addiction,
very powerful. Isn't that wild?
How that so? This believing you were unworthy
of love or happiness, what is Yeah, so so.
Powerful in an ex mind, yeah. To to start to address these
deep seeded issues. You know it's not surface level
issues and it's important that we say and we encourage everyone
to seek outside help. You know there are a bunch of
recovery programs available. There are therapists available.
There are countless approaches to getting well and it's good to
have guidance through this process, especially this, this
deep seated trauma, this deep seated hurt.
And it's interesting because my addiction can kind of be like
gasoline on a fire when I have these deep seated hurts.
These deep seated traumas that I'm not willing to look at, I
don't really even understand. I don't know where they came
from and all I know is I'm miserable and I don't want to be
here. And so the alcohol or the
addiction is kind of like throwing gasoline on that.
And it's just more fuel for this ugly way to go through the world
of this ugly feeling that I'm experiencing inside.
And for many of us, you know, there's a feeling of of
unwanted. There's a feeling of not good
enough. There's a feeling of I don't
deserve. And, you know, maybe we picked
that up in childhood. And Gay Hendrix, in his book The
Big Leap, talks about the four major fears that individuals
have. And one of them is the fear of
being fundamentally flawed. There's something wrong with me,
yes. At the fundamental level,
there's something wrong with me. Another one is the fear of being
a burden. My existence is a burden.
So any success that I might have is probably a further burden.
Also, another one is the fear of leaving others behind.
Oh, if I do this, if I'm this successful, if I experience
this, I'm going to leave disloyal to my roots.
I'm going to leave people behind.
And then the last one is the fear of outshinning others.
This behavior, the spotlight this success is going to
outshine others, and I might even get in trouble.
Right, right, right. Because I'm.
I'm doing better than others. And all of those are, are
basically we you know if I have a traumatic past, if I have
these deep seated issues, somewhere along the line I got
convicted of a crime I didn't commit.
So we picked up some unconscious behavior from the people that
reared us, and some of that unconscious behavior might have
felt like you're fundamentally flawed.
Yeah, you're a victim to yes, yes, it.
Might have and to expect the parent to be perfect.
No, silly. They're just doing the best they
can with what they have. Grandparents.
Parents. They're.
Not going to be consciously perfect, whatever it is.
They're going to. Your parents are going to hurt
you, Yes. Yeah, absolutely.
Because they're human, and you're going to get hurt by
humans. So we may have picked up some of
this unconscious vibration, right?
Your existence is a burden. You're a big.
That's a big one. That's a big one.
I had some of that, and I also had the fear about shining.
Yeah, I oh, sorry. I watched a documentary on HBO
about the Green River killer. Now he's the guy.
He's killed the MO. It's like 60 something women
he's killed, jeez, that's a serial killer.
And they were interviewing him. And on this documentary you can
watch the interview. And he was talking about his
mom, of course, a lot of serial killers.
And this is shadow work and this is it.
And This is why he felt. He felt that he was unworthy of
love and that his mom, and it was kind of weird twisted in his
head like that. He even said you like I'm a
weird dude because my mom would put me down and I thought I was
a horrible person. But then as I started coming
into my sexuality, I wanted my mom sexually.
And there was like this weird thing, you know, that his mom
didn't realize that he did to him, you know, by putting him
down. And then over sexually, all this
weird stuff that went on. And he explains it all and it
it's so interesting. And then this desire to I'm
fucked up. I'm not worthy.
I need to control this. So I'm going to go grab
prostitutes in Seattle and take him to the woods and then murder
them. And he murdered like 60 of them,
you know, so and all of this was this.
I mean, this is extreme, but this is where it goes if you're
psychotic, I mean, if you let this control you.
And as we've talked earlier about being the snake, that
other person, I like to look at it this way too.
It's like, you wanna go down there, Rabbit hole?
Jason, this is how dark you can get.
Yeah, yeah. You need to handle this and deal
with this and be who the person that you know you ought to be
because you are not unworthy. Very good.
You wouldn't be here if you were unworthy.
So really, it's about shining the light.
Yes. On the delusion that I may or
may not have picked up along the way.
It's like that crime that I got convicted of.
I didn't commit it, but I am guilty of perpetuating the
energy. It's like okay.
Well, that wasn't real. I didn't.
I wasn't a burden. But I exist in myself.
Pity. As if I am so I can go there
energetically and I can perpetuate the unconscious
delusion. I can perpetuate the bad cycle.
And it's our responsibility, with this spiritual awakening,
with this spiritual path, to start taking responsibility for
the delusion. I might not ever be able to heal
or fix the individuals that I picked this up from, but I can
take responsibility for my perspective of that old pattern
conditioning and break the cycle.
Yeah, that's the key to have the courage to break the cycle.
And that's the not going down the rabbit hole with it.
Yeah, my granddad may have been this way.
My dad may have been this way. But I don't need to be that way.
And that's what you did. You broke a pattern and it's you
did too. And that work is so powerful, we
believe it heals generations in the past simultaneously, healing
generations in the future. So my daughter does not have to
have the same energetic delusion that I was raised with, but
simultaneously, I didn't have to have a conversation with my
parents about, hey, do you remember when you did this?
And it was really fucked up well.
Yeah, there's no use having that.
We were just instantly different.
I just had a different perspective of them.
And that anger or that victimization was replaced with
compassion. That's true.
Forgiveness right there, because they were just doing the best
they could with what they had. And understanding that to me is
true forgiveness. So not because there's no such
thing as forgiveness, really. Because you have to feel like
somebody did something to you. Yes, you just have to be
separate. And and and you're just a mirror
of your parents, and your parents are a mirror of you.
It's all one so not only did I have a different perspective of
my parents, but my daughter doesn't have to have the same
pain and hurt. Yeah, because you shouldered
that generational responsibility.
Yes. So this work and yeah, did the
work. This work is very powerful.
Yeah, I love that it can heal both both 3 generations at once.
I want to get into and I think this is a really interesting
one. What is like?
And I know you've had issues with this in the past, so
fearing abandonment. Leading to manipulative
behaviors like hearing abandonment.
Yeah, like what does that look like as a addict?
Again, you know, some of this stuff is very deep seated and
it's appropriate to walk through this with help and guidance
usually from a professional. We are not professionals, but my
experience with that is valid. And you know, the fear of being
a burden, the fear of being fundamentally flawed, the fear
of being left behind, the fear of being abandoned.
Usually I pick that up when I'm very little.
A child does not know how to navigate the world by
themselves, and I had a very small experience with this at a
micro level at a grocery store. My parent, well, I'll take
responsibility 1st every single time we go to the grocery store.
When I was very little, I was, you know, a selfish child who
just wanted to play all the time.
I would be lying to the toy aisle and my parent would have
to stop what they were doing, no longer shop, come find me, get
me in order enough to get in the cart or whatever, and then go
about their shopping. I did this for years.
Well, one day we go to the grocery store.
I beeline to the toil. My parent did not come find me.
They had had enough and they were trying to teach me a
lesson. But in that small example, the
amount of fear that I felt, the amount of abandonment that I
felt, it was powerful enough to have a molecular input on me,
and unconsciously that started contributing to how it mapped
the world. Oh well, I must not be good.
I'm not wanted. I must not be good enough if
they just left me in the in the grocery store and they didn't
leave me. You know what I mean?
Like they never left the store without.
Yeah. Or like this woman's going to
leave me this relationship. So unconsciously I begin to map
the world. This way I'm not good enough.
I don't deserve a woman that will stay, a partner that will
stay. So unconsciously, I started
seeking out situations where I could relive that experience and
I was not doing the shadow work. I was not trying to heal this
part of me that was unconscious and delusional.
I was just experiencing it over and over and over again in my
relationships. So you would have to, because of
the fear of abandonment, you would have to manipulate.
In my job, I would manipulate the situation as such that
people would leave. Right.
And then I was so unconscious. I felt like it was abandonment.
I'm being abandoned all over again.
So the energetic feeling of abandonment, although it's bad,
it was normal because I behaved that way so often.
It just became normal. So I started speaking that out
over and over and over again because I didn't know that any
other way. So.
The manipulation led to the abandonment.
But once we start getting honest with the inquiry and the the
personal inventory and getting this stuff down on paper, I can
then start taking responsibility for my behaviors, for my
manipulativeness. And then maybe I get some
clarity on the fact that I cannot be abandoned.
Today. I'm an adult male.
You cannot abandon me like I am not a little tiny 4 year old
victim in the Smith's grocery store.
Like that's an old tape that I've been playing for a long
time and it keeps me fucking small.
Like if that's my perspective, I'm just an infant, I'm a child.
It's like no you're not are the are the you know person that's
been abused. You know so I I'm, I stay small
because you know and I'm always subconsciously seeking an
abuser. Yes.
You know because I am the abused you know and just and I want
people to understand this that you know to talk about this but
you're just a human in pain. You're not a bad person.
Very good. You're not different from
anybody else. Very good.
Yeah. You just have some pain that it
takes responsibility on your part to handle and deal with and
you have tools inside of you. That's the good news.
Yeah. Every single person has enough
tools inside of them to to conquer.
I believe that. I believe our higher self is in
us and we have the ability within ourselves to fix
ourselves. We do not need a religious book.
We do not need a guru. We do not need any of this.
All we need is to do enough self inquiry over and over and over
again like you did to get to the point to where you see it, you
recognize it, and then through that recognition, healing begins
to happen. Very good.
It's the light. It's all it is.
And. You've done the work.
Also, the simple tool for us is. That's not happening to me
today. I'm not eating a doughnut today.
That's not happening to me today.
I'm not four years old being left in the grocery store.
Yes, yeah. Yeah.
What am I? I'm right here right now.
Or like for me, it's like this person is not against me I
pretty much care less about. You're not even thinking about
me. I'm thinking about everybody
else here. I'm thinking everybody thinks
I'm the worst enemy of all of them.
But it's so ridiculous. I mean the list goes on and on
with it. I do wanna get into three things
really quick and then we'll get into cuz I wanna talk about
compassion and seeking guidance and then getting help.
But one of the things that you can do for, and this is some
prompts for you when you're writing this out, what do you
want to call it? Journaling or whatever list
specific instance where you acted out of your self-interest.
We've talked about that. But be specific #2 Write down
reoccurring behaviors you notice and try to identify the belief
driving them. And that's where, like with your
band and that belief, I'm going to get a band and I'm going to
get a band and that's the belief #3.
Reflect on how these patterns have affected your relationships
in your life. So how have they done it?
Get into the how, not the why, the how, how specific.
And then I want you to talk about this Dwayne, the
importance of compassion. How can you not fall into the
trap of just having self blame when you're going through this
process and just thinking you're like, I'm the worst person ever.
I hurt this person. I heard you know, you because
you basically had to say I hurt my mom, I hurt my brother who I
love tremendously. And I, you know, I've hurt these
girls that I've been in relationships with.
You know, I've hurt these bosses.
I mean, you gotta write all this shit down.
Yeah. So how do you not have self
blame? Cuz self blame is this
narcissistic. It's just a pattern you fall
into. Yes.
That's gonna lead to you committing an addictive act.
Right, right. You know, that's a big question
and it unfolds over time. It's a very normal response to
be hard on myself. Especially when I start looking
at myself accurately and I don't like what I see.
Yes, so it's normal to be hard on ourselves.
It's normal to be disgusted in my behavior.
I was disgusted in my behavior. I couldn't believe I behaved
this way, but it was the first time that I was honest with
myself. And that's beautiful.
Yes. Like, you gotta recognize that
and get happy about that. Yes, and get pumped up like this
is the first time I'm honest with myself.
That's a small win. That's.
A big win. It's a big win.
But I mean just to recognize that cuz this is the pattern of
self healing now. That's a win in itself, yes.
So out of observation comes transformation.
The mere fact that I'm willing to look at that means it's
already starting to heal. It's already starting to shift.
But over time, You know, one nice tool for us is God help me
be kind. God help me be kind.
But the undercurrent of that
prayer is God help me be kind. To myself and then with an
understand it's hard. You don't know.
I didn't know this early in recovery, but going through
recovery process, experiencing the benefits, the freedom, the
strength, the capability that I receive through this type of
journey, that's how I have compassion for myself.
That's. How I experience forgiveness for
myself. I can forgive myself and have
compassion for myself as a result of doing the
transformative work. It doesn't happen as soon as I
write this shit down, like I'm not going to be doing.
Be compassionate. Don't feel so bad about
yourself. Like that's not how it unfolds.
It unfolds through the practice of trying to be better.
Overtime, it dissipates. Overtime it dissipates and I
start to have compassion. And then, because I behave
delusionally, because I had these unconscious fears of
abandonment and not good enough, when I start doing that shadow
work with enough practice, I begin to start to recognize it
so I can see it when it crops up.
Oh, there's Dwayne that that's not real.
You can't be abandoned. Nope, you can't be abandoned.
God, shine your light on my insecurity.
God, shine your light. So not only do I start to spot
it. Boom.
I'm able to spot it in others. That's just his insecurity.
Oh. His belief structure is
different than mine. He's believing in fear.
He's acting in fear. Right now.
He's not acting in It's OK. So I also start to experience
compassion for others. A nice prayer for us is he too
like myself is sick. He too, like myself, is sick.
I'm dealing with a sick person when I get mad at someone if
they had cancer. Right.
Fucking dumbass cancer. No, you have compassion, right?
And so why am I getting mad at someone when they're behaving in
their delusion, in their illness?
It's the same thing. So it opens the window for
compassion. I started experiencing a little
bit of compassion because I realized he too, she too, like
myself. We're just sick.
We're just sick people trying to get well, Yeah.
And. And I like what it says here.
And then we'll close in this. It says deep self inquiry is a
courageous act. It is the cornerstone on which a
new, healthier and freer life can be built.
By facing ourselves honestly and compassionately, we take a giant
step towards recovery and healing, moving.
And I love this word the way they use it.
Removing moving from the worship of a substance or behavior to a
place of genuine. There's a keyword freedom and
holdness breaking free from the addiction.
Yeah, this is how you do it. Breaking free from my
unconscious delusion that I need the world to be a particular
way, otherwise I'm not going to be.
OK, that's the that's bondage. That's not freedom.
So moving through the world as a Freeman, you know, it's all of
this stuff. It's, it's.
It it's a big task and it unfolds over time, But taking
responsibility for my perspective, taking
responsibility for my behavior, taking responsibility for my
thoughts, Then trying to do something about it, Taking
action. Taking action.
More positive action. Taking more.
Taking action. When it comes to my crazy
thinking, we start to tiptoe into that freedom.
And I began to learn the world and its people don't have to
dominate me. Yeah, exactly.
I'm not. I'm not a victim to any of.
It I'm not a victim to the person that left me in the
grocery store when I was four years old for maybe 15 minutes.
Yeah. But it's so funny how you know
the victim, my victim mentality plays it out to be where it'd be
two days instead of 15 minutes. You know, I was screaming and
crying and you know, and then I need to tell that story all
made-up, the made-up story. I tell it the bazillion times,
and then that becomes my reality.
When I'm the victim, I don't have to take responsibility, and
Joe Dispenza is real hot on this with the neuroscience, he says.
Well, and if fifty, we find out that 50% of memory isn't even
the truth. 50% of what I remember isn't reality.
And we made it up because our mind can't hold that much at it.
One time, like, I don't remember exactly what happened.
I'm going to embellish it. And it was really bad.
And I was always dreadful. I felt so unwanted.
And it's like, yeah, but that's only half the story.
It's like, what else happened? You were being selfish.
You were being controlling, trying to get your way.
Your parent was probably having a bad day.
Couldn't stand you anymore. I've seen this over and over
again. I saw it once with my family.
My aunt was having another argument with my grandma or
something, and my aunt's like, the story didn't go this way.
The timeline, like when was this?
And they're like, well, it's this time just like you're
saying this that about me and I was in Europe.
Like that's the truth. I can pull up the info to show
you that I was in Europe, so the whole story you made wasn't even
real, you know? And not intentionally that.
Just no what? The belief that got transcribed.
It's so funny. Addicts and Alcoholics are any
addictive person. We're really good salesmen and
women. Fantastic salesmen and women,
yes? Do you think Tony the Tiger
would have sold any Frosted Flakes if he said.
They're OK No, they're great. And that's how we that's how we
speak. We embellish left and right.
But if my motive is dishonest, if my motive is to get what I
want, and I don't care if it harms you in the process, then
I'm using that tool for for evil.
It's my ego that's using that tool.
It's not my spirit. We can be just as animated and
just as excited in our recovery. I can still use that tool to
benefit others. I can still use that tool to be
of service. So I can bring that out of the
shadow and into the light, and maybe it can do some good.
Maybe it can motivate others. Yes, yeah, and having.
And I want people to understand this like true freedom.
When you can break this paradigm and you got to work on it every
day, like we talked about these affirmations, But when you can
kind of look at it and be like, oh, that's not the real Jason,
that's not me acting in my higher self.
The real me is this eternal, you know, and I don't want to get
too spiritual, but this eternal being that's, you know, that's
that's been here forever, that's the real me.
The real me has the answers, knows and has the knowledge, has
the wisdom to make on each decisions.
So how do I tap into that? Through prayer, through
meditation, through journaling, through self-awareness, through
meetings, through going to a therapist, you know all these
things. And then getting the
realizations. And then in that realization
doing like you have been talking about just doing the work.
It's it's it's it's easy, but it's hard at the same time
because what happens you're when you begin to open up to your
higher self? What's happened for me when I
begin to open my higher self, my higher self's like, oh, you can
understand this now. OK, cool.
Well, you get you were telling me about your son, what is he,
two and and you're like teaching him some soccer moves.
He's like kind of a little coordinated.
He's two. So it's like, what does this
mean? He.
He doesn't. He knows you can show him what
to do and he'll take his foot and do it, but he doesn't know
the rules of the game yet. He doesn't know about a soccer
field. He doesn't.
The grasshopper only sees the field that they're in.
They don't see the farmer and the equipment.
And you know, you know, the the minute that you begin stepping
back and saying I'm not a grasshopper, I'm the farmer, you
know, oh, I'm not the farmer. I'm you know, Higher Self.
Higher Self doesn't even exist on the plane of the earth.
You know, in and of itself it's eternal.
The minute you can gain these big God perspectives.
Yes, yes. Then the problem looks so small.
It's it's comical. That's how I get now.
It's like, oh, Jason's acting like you're acting like a 11
year old stupid boy that wants you know what he wants and he's
going to throw a fit if he doesn't get it perfectly,
totally. And then I can laugh at it and
then go in the right direction. And that's freedom.
Yes, it is. Comic Relief cracks open my ego.
In that moment of cracking open, God's light can shine in and it
no longer has control over me. My unconscious fear.
My unconscious desire to control, to get what I want.
I love that. It dissipates.
But it does take the work.
It does take an honest appraisal.
I have to really be willing to look at myself honestly up.
That's a selfish thought. Oh, that's a fearful thought.
How many thoughts the day do we have?
60,000 on average. It's work.
But if you're worth it, 100%, your happiness and your freedom
are worth it. Yeah.
And and and it organically will help you with your addiction or
anything, whatever addiction you may have, whatever it is that
you feel like you're in chains too.
Yeah, yeah. When you become self aware, the
chains fall off, you're in a self-imposed prison and the key
is inside of. You That's so powerful.
It's like, it's so funny. The doors actually open, really.
There's really no prison, you know?
Abraham will say we are so free we can choose bondage that's so
good. That's our free will.
You're so free, you can choose bondage.
That's good. Well, let's end on that.
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You can look that up and follow us on Instagram.
We'd love that. Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks bro.