The Guna blue. Hi, how's?
It going good. How are you I'm.
So excited to be here. This.
This is the coolest setup I've ever had on the pod.
You're kidding. Really.
Wow. I usually just set up my camera
in my bed in my office and like and go.
It's 1 angle, but this is a very like avant-garde.
Very, yeah, 'cause we're it's and there's mirrors and lines
and cameras and actions, yeah. Actually people, this is a
better reason than ever to run to the YouTube.
Also, the video version of this is on Spotify.
I forget if we're boycotting them, but let's pretend that in
this moment we're not. OK, great.
Yeah, I'll streaming platforms to introduce the Tower Bottoms
to who you are. First of all, by at this point I
think I am going to share that clip of us before the episode
comes out. So Laguna is the pop mermaid
Princess? Yeah.
Mermaid pop star. Mermaid pop star.
She is an incredible drag queen who sings and like the singing
is unmatched. She always packs out her shows
here on the cruises. She has an album out called
Under The. Underwater bubble.
Pop underwater bubble pops. So sorry you are also a New York
queen bopping around the city. Do you have any like regular
haunts are like regular nights that you host or do?
Yes, well I just got out of surgery so but before surgery I
was working at Hardware on Thursday nights and my home bar
is Hush Bar every Saturday at 10:00 PM with a show called H2
HO with castrata and hibiscus. And the surgery that she had was
made making her penis smaller exactly because she was killing
bitches in her lower back. It was like, it was like walking
around with one of those weights hanging from, you know, your
torso. Yeah, one time someone asked me,
look, you know, why do you pad your stomach?
And I said no, it's just my giant hog.
My my dingling, Yeah. Giant penis.
Wait, but really, you had surgery in your throat?
I did I had AI had in April of this year.
I closed out dragged the musical off Broadway, which was one of
the most amazing experiences ever.
But I also hemorrhaged, which means a blood vessel burst in my
throat in my vocal cords and your vocal cords are like the
size of 1/4. So and it and it didn't hurt or
anything. I just all of a sudden couldn't
sing. I was just like I was going.
To say, did you know the moment it happened?
I didn't know the moment it happened, but I think I realized
after the finale of it was we had four shows left and it was
we did the Saturday matinee and the Saturday matinee in between
shows. I couldn't sing.
I was like all of a sudden because I was the first person
on stage and I would go, wow, come and play.
And I literally I went, it was like no sound came out.
Like I was doing the action to make the noise, but no sound was
coming out. So it was very jarring.
Oh, that's so scary. And then a month later, I still
couldn't do it. So, and usually when you lose
your voice, it's because your, your voice is swollen and it
takes about a week, you know, you know, that's to kind of
recover from. That with vocal rest and you're
like, oh, this is something different.
Yeah, and if you're ever hoarse for more than a few weeks, then
it's time to go see your ENT. And I burst a blood vessel.
I I developed a cyst on that side.
And yeah, I dealt with it for all of last year.
It was pretty hard, but I had it removed.
It was a very successful surgery.
Did they let you keep it? You know, I have it on a little
pendant at home. No, I wish.
That'd be so that's very aerial coded, like Ursula having her
voice around her neck. Oh my God, it's good for me.
It's my like. My your enemy.
Yeah, my Little Dream crusher, you know.
Wow, is that a dream catcher? Dream crusher?
That's what I have you on my phone as my Little Dream
crusher. OK, so you also starred in Drag
the Musical Off Broadway with Nick Adams.
You've been on the pod before and who I met at the same time
as you. Yes, years ago on In Atlantis
cruise. Headlight Listen folks, if
you've never been to an Atlantis cruise, come.
It's, it's, it's truly, truly an experience to be experienced.
It really is. I, my advice would be we are
currently on the, it's called the January cruise.
It's happening in February as we speak next year it's going to be
in March. So the January cruise will be in
March, what they call the January cruise because it is
their biggest cruise. It is the biggest gay cruise.
And this, this one has about 5100 gay men aboard.
Yeah. Like what's this little floating
island of fags? Which is just so Fag island, fag
island. I, I honestly wish queer people
had a country that we could all live in because like, if this is
a microcosm of what that could be, it's been very like, like
loving and silly and helpful and horny.
Definitely been like, and I'm sure not everyone's having the
same experience as you and I because we are entertainers.
We get to like play and be seen and like meet people.
Have like a little like VIP access.
I know that I've sat at the Windjammer, which is the buffet,
yes, and had strangers sit down with me and I get to know some
stranger and it's like and. Then you take them home, or
sorry, and then you take them to your cabin.
And they stretch out my quarter sized vocal cords.
Hey. You know what's so funny?
On the last cruise I got my my quarter sized vocal cords
stretched for like an hour and a half.
Like throat fucked the night before a show.
Like I'd never had you. Before a show, have you?
Ever like, you know, put your like head.
On I hate it, I get dizzy. I have never done it before.
It was really hot. I was down.
I was down the clown, honey. But let me the next morning I
started like Harvey Weinstein. Bitch Harvey.
Firestein, yeah. Firestein And it was crazy.
It was. Could you sing that night?
Honey, I had to sing that night and I was like, it was bad.
Wow. And of course my shows were
empty all week. Packed that packed packed.
No, that's. Not gonna happen tonight ladies
and gentlemen, guys, gals and non binary pals.
Yeah, I guess we'll check back in when this comes out in a week
or so. And see how the show went.
But the head off the bed, I acknowledge, is so hot looking
and in theory I cannot even ride roller coasters anymore 'cause
like, my equilibrium gets thrown and I like, get nauseous.
Really. Yeah.
Yeah, I used to be that way, but I'm not, you know, worse.
Damn. Just.
Kidding, damn, just kidding. I I I one time when we were
kids, I rode the have you there used to be this ride called like
space space. My God, my Invisalign space
mission. Earth on or Mars on at Epcot.
Have you ever been? Yeah, but not enough to know
that I'm not a nerd like that. Anyway, it's one for one.
It's but there was like a regular, there was like a normal
ride and then there was an extreme 1 and my fucking stupid
ass was like that's really extreme.
One me and my whole family, when I tell you we all stumbled off
that thing like almost vomiting white in the face.
We were my mom is like was Mexican.
Well wait, I'm Mexican. My mom had a beautiful tan and
that bitch, I've never seen her so pale green in my life.
Me colored. Yeah, Yeah.
Well. Mayonnaise called Lima.
Yeah, when you take the skin off and you're reptilian, green
comes through. Yeah.
OK so I hope my audience know this is also so funny.
I had one listener say this person is horrible at
introducing their guests. I always have to do so much
research on my own to figure out who he's talking.
Hi everybody, my name is Laguna Blue.
Yeah, you can find me on Instagram at LAGOONA BL0 0NYC
NYC. Imagine you speak whale.
Yeah, I make music. I sing songs.
I write. I write books.
Can you believe I'm a publisher? That's so crazy.
That is crazy. It is insane because I'm like,
so bad with words unless I'm writing them to la, la, la.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
No, I obviously you're not. No thanks.
OK, so let's dive in then. Let's get into this.
Let's go back to the beginning. Do you remember the first
influences of sex in your life? Or the first thing that made you
horny, or made your coochie Jingle, or that made you go.
Hmm. I mean, I remember, I think,
honestly, Britney Spears. In a way.
I remember watching the I'm a slave for you video and just
like wanting, like wanting to like be her and do what she was
doing, but like not really knowing what why or what it felt
like or what it meant. And I also knew that like I I
knew that like boys made me nervous.
Yes, like girls didn't. I didn't give a fuck.
I was like the girls, I don't care, but boys I was like, huh.
But then, yeah, there was something about just like the
sexuality of Britney Spears in general where all of my friends
really wanted to like, and like I remember like in the 4th
grade, they were like, oh, I want to kiss Britney Spears.
And I remember being like, I want to be Britney Spears.
So, and I know that's not very like vulgar, but that, you know,
and that year also too, it was like, I get, I think that's when
I I switched schools and like, moved.
It was in the 4th grade, really. And I'll never forget Colby
Scheib. I don't know if you're even here
in Wesley Coronolino. They were kind of like my friend
bullies in 4th grade. And they were like, we went to
pussyland.com last night and I was like, what is that?
So that's the first when I realized I was like, huh?
Pussyland.com. Yeah, that's what they said.
Yeah. I don't know if that's even
real, but that's what they said to me.
I'll never forget that. I guarantee it's real.
Yeah. OK, so then do you remember your
first like orgasm? Yeah, yes, I remember being
terrified because I was like, I'm going to pee.
I'm peeing. Oh my God, it's come get a pee.
Oh fuck, I can't. I'm gonna pee on myself.
I'm peeing. I'm peeing.
You know, that's why, that's why I remember happening.
I was like, oh God, I can't pee. I'm peeing everywhere.
Oh, fuck. And then I was like, am I sick?
Am I sick? I'm sick, I'm sick.
Why is it white? Oh God.
Oh, what is going on? What's happening?
I'm peeing and it's white. It is very that.
So to be clear, it sounds like you had no like no one had told
you what was happening. Right.
No. Not like friends hadn't been
like I, I. Well, it was with a, it was with
a friend. That's why I was scared.
Yeah, because I was like, with a friend.
Girl. A girl.
Yeah. OK.
And I was, well, listen, I'm from the South.
I can't believe I'm saying all this.
It makes me feel like, but I'm from the South, OK.
So like this bitch, she's a lesbian now, thank God.
But she invited me over. She's like, let's do homework.
And literally she had like, we got there.
She had porn on the computer. And I was like, yeah.
And so she was like, let's see what we're doing, what they're
doing. And I was like.
Oh my God. But I was like, Oh my God.
Something's happening. Yeah.
And so I mean, yeah, she, I and I remember I was like, I got to
meet and I like, ran to the bathroom and I was like, I don't
know what's happening wrong with everybody.
I don't know what's everybody up being, up being up being.
And I was like, yeah, it was kind of that.
Was it basically hands free? Yeah, it was, yeah.
Wow. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. I know I.
Feel like were you did you know you were attracted to you said
you were nervous around boys did you know you were attracted to
boys and was it like seeing. Like, because I remember she
asked to, like, see my penis and it didn't, like, make me nervous
at all. So I was like, OK, whatever.
And then she touched it and I was like, OK, And then she put
yeah, she went on it. And I was like, oh, wow.
I was like, whoa, whoa, you know?
And she's a lesbian now, yeah. Wow, isn't that cool?
But OK, to go back to the question, did you, were you
attracted to boys? Yes, definitely.
OK, OK. Because I remember thinking,
wow, I wish. I wish this was with a boy.
Yeah. Yeah, I remember.
OK, so you're freaking out. You've had this orgasm, you
don't know what it is. You think you're sick?
I'm literally like, Miss, I'm like Miss Johnson, can you call
my dad to come pick me up? You know, like that was my
immediate. My penis is leaking.
Yeah, well, it was very. And that's the other thing too.
It was like her, her Grant, you know, like, you know how like
some people in a move in a sitcom or a in a, or in a, in a
series, like there's a grandma that sits in the living room,
doesn't leave the chair and our door is open and we're down the
hall. But we're doing bad things and
it doesn't. Matter.
Or she's not going to get up from that couch.
Totally was very that. Yep.
We all, I mean, I, I had that in different ways.
I I would agree. But OK, so how did how did you
ultimately? I'm touching you again.
I'm sorry. Touch.
You how did you ultimately talk yourself off the I'm sick like
space out of I'm. Certainly wasn't gonna tell
anyone about it, OK, you know. But then did you say like, did
you walk? I just started.
That felt good. Yeah, and so you do it again.
I well, then I was like, can I do that by myself?
And then I was like, holy shit, I can do this by myself.
And that's when I started like I think my first experience was
with porn was when I, it was when I there was this book at
like Barnes and Nobles called like Titan men.
And it was in the art section of the book and it was previously
unwrapped. It was wrapped, but for some
reason it was like open, like someone had opened it and it was
literally like naked men with heart.
It was like a kind of like softcore porn.
I mean they were like, or actually it was hardcore like
some images of where them were of them.
Fucking really? Yes, yeah.
Or it was like books-a-million or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I literally, I was like a
heavier set. I was like 70th, 7th or 8th
grade. And I would wear these like
really big sweaters and like cargo pants.
And I literally ripped out every, I ripped out the, the,
the pages from the binder of it and like ripped like the pages
apart and like put them in each pocket of the And that was like
my first like I just had this like.
Like straight up at the shelf in the aisle, yeah.
Like because it was in the back, it was like far, far, far in the
back. Wow.
So I literally was like like just little by little and I was
a lot heavier set. So like.
No one. Really.
And I was, yeah, I was like the like fat white boy in the in the
back, like the going to the art supplies.
And that was my first experience.
And so I, and then I kept them hidden and I would like hide in
the bathroom or hide in my room and just like lock the door and
like spread them out and be like.
Wow, even though you had Internet, was Internet dicey?
Internet was dicey because my dad worked on the computer a
lot. Yeah.
And it was like the one computer we had and like, yeah, it was
just. And if Even so, at the time, it
was like, videos weren't really a thing yet.
So anything I found was like. Download an image.
Yeah. And sometimes it took like 5
minutes, yeah. Or I would what I would do is I
would like print them out. Sure.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would.
Print them out and keep them in that like binder your library.
Then I will never forget when Limewire happened and I got when
Limewire happened and I could. I mean, Limewire was crazy.
Limewire was insane but you that was not know fully what you were
downloading so you could get like a corrupted file or.
I ruined our computer. Let's.
Oh yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure A. 100% ruined it.
OK so 7th or 8th grade you're you're hunter gatherer of porn.
And it kind of just stays like that, to be honest.
I was so in the closet and I didn't have anyone to like
experiment with. And I was just like.
What was your perception of gay people at this?
Time you're going to hell really.
Oh, yeah, that's how that was. Why that's Well, yeah.
Because I was like, I was so embarrassed because I was like,
something's wrong with me. So alongside this, like that's
why I was so I mean, it was beyond like not only sex being
taboo for an evangelical Christian to be gay if like not
an option. It was just like not an option
for me. So I was just like something
crying with me. I'm I'm going to like, you know,
and I just wanted it to go away. And after every I would I would
remember like jerking off and then feeling so bad about it.
Like even just jerking off. Oh yeah, or peas.
You were thinking of boys jerking off and drunk or.
Or no, just like the the photo. Yeah, like the IT would be
horrible. It was like, it was like this
constant. I felt like I was, you know,
crazy. So I really kept a secret and
really didn't. And I ate the fuck out of my
feelings, bro. I like it from in in high school
I gained like 100 lbs. Really to?
Years, yes, because I was like. What were you like socially like
what was your high school? I was a class clown.
I was like really bullied but really talented and like I would
make friends with the popular girls.
So, like me, like bullies. Like don't be mean to him.
Right. Like we left it.
Yeah, I was very that. So they and I, you know,
honestly, I kind of feel like I'm a I'm a girl's gay.
You know how they're gays, gays and girls gay?
I think I'm a girl's gay because they've always like stuck up for
me. A lot of my best friends are
girls. I hate to bring it to you.
You're both. Am I?
Yeah. Because you're so open.
I mean, even in just my experience with you, you're so
kind and open. Yeah, I don't ever catch you
like side eyeing me or like, you know what I mean?
Like being suspicious of gays in the room.
But I understand that if you like, if you.
Obviously there are dog people, cat people and people who do
both. But I get that.
I'm saying girls were obviously the first people we came out to,
the people who kept our secrets. Oh, I didn't.
Come out. So I was 21.
Really. They hid it.
OK, so then did you have any sexual experiences between first
experience 8th grade and graduating high school or
whatever? No, not really.
Wow. I mean, like, like outside of
like, I don't know, like my first experience with a boy was
with my LOLL Traumatic. Actually, it's not traumatic at
all. It's kind of hot.
I was a fry cook at my job. Sonic.
He's Sork at Sonic. My God and this.
Guy used to call me a faggot and pimp on me in front of.
Everyone another employee. Another yeah, employee, his name
was, oh, I can't say his name. And like he would pick on me and
everyone was like, stop picking on him.
He's like, you know, whatever. But he was flirting.
Mad flirting. No he wasn't like what happened
was he would pick on me in public and then he asked for my
phone number to like hang and I was like what OK And bitch
started like sending me all these racy texts like you should
come hang out blah blah. So I go over to this boy's house
and I had never kissed the boy. Is he cute?
The people in her, I thought. He was really cute, OK, He was
like a little shorter than me, curly black.
He he was kind of like he, he was like literally, I mean, I
think this is kind of why I have a thing for like trailer trash.
Like he had this like thick Coon ass accent tattoos, smoked
cigarettes. He was like, I was 18.
I think he was like 20, you know, and you know, he worked at
Sonic and was kind of like mean to me, but like all of a sudden
was being really nice and I was like, what the fuck?
And then we go to his room and we like make out and hook up and
like, this is the first time I have a Dick in my mouth.
This is the first time I have like I'm making out with a man.
I remember like and I was just like.
Does he live alone? He lived with his.
Mom, but his mom was like working.
So I literally got there at like 11 and I leave till like like
we, we were basically like. 11:00 PM or 11 AMI?
Got there at like 11:00 AM and then like left at like 4.
Wow. All day.
So it was like, wait, was this like felt like fireworks?
Yeah, I was like freaking the fuck out.
Wow. And then, And then he got.
Really mean to me at work. It was kind of like he was I
feel like I mean obviously we were both kind of like ashamed,
you know obviously had our own shames about it, but he all of a
sudden was like. But then he still asked me to
hang out so obviously I would go back and mind you I'm like 300
lbs at the time. Okay, so like you, I'm not only
am I like out of like place in my body, but also just like I
have never felt like a sexual being and like people would
people look at you different when you're when you're
overweight, especially, you know, even on this boat being
the size that I am now, like I'm beautiful.
I know, but I'm like, you know, when you people just treat you.
Different. I hear you.
And so like, I had just never felt that like anyone would ever
be interested in me in that way. So when he was and he was a lot
smaller than me and a lot like, and I, I again, I'd always
thought he was really cute. So it's just very like.
Whoa, yeah. Okay, in those five hours that
you're hanging out together, is he being like a different
person? Is he being like sweet?
Is he telling you things like, yeah, I mean, quiet I.
Know it was really quiet. It was a lot of silence and just
like a lot of physical very little talking.
It was very. But five, I mean.
I mean, we were, yeah. It's a long time.
Yeah, it was crazy. My brain chemistry would be
irreputably changed. Yeah, I mean, it was I was like
we I was like and not like linked on it, but I have I have
ADHD didn't know at the time, but I was like, you know, and I
thought about it a lot, you know, and like and it was it was
weird. And when it had any time it
happened, it felt like, I don't know, it felt very out of mind.
It also was always on his terms. It was never on mine, of course.
So it was just like very like, you know?
Did you ultimately feel OK? So can you tell us how long it
lasted and how it ended? I would say it went on for like,
probably, like, for as long as we were working at Sonic.
OK. And it stopped when he started
dating someone else. A girl?
Yeah, he started dating a girl. Who also worked at Sonic.
Yes, wow. And then we all found out he was
gay. Wait, really?
Yeah. In what way?
Yeah, he ran. He like, left.
He ran away from home with like an older man.
Oh my God, and. Everyone was fucking gag.
He like left. He left this, this girl.
And it was crazy. Yeah.
And I'm on the side being like, and you used to suck my Dick.
Did you, did you come clean about that?
When? No.
Oh yeah, you didn't come out till 21.
Why not? Yeah, I would never admit that.
And also like I I was, she was my friend.
And also like he, when they started dating, he stopped like
talking to me, obviously. Well, that's good, but like.
It was just weird being like, you know, this other side.
You know what happened. We had like, we hooked up a few
times and then he quit his job, but he started dating Amy.
Oh, I can bleep it out. That's fine.
She's. I mean, it's also like, not a
last name. Thank God.
Yeah. OK, so are you devastated when
he when it ends or? Yeah.
I mean, I also I have to, you have to remember I was like
really like not as like a hyper sexual like mind, but like not.
Acting on it. Right, right.
So I was like, I would like, OK, it's going to happen for me once
a year. I'm going to have like really or
like however many times a year. I was just very, I was so young
and like so like felt so do I need to wet this?
Conservative. Yeah, you're totally great.
That's right. You had conservative goals for
your sex life. I was just like, this is not a
thing that is tangible to me because I am ugly.
So yeah, I mean, it's just like it's the mind, the mentality
that I was raised in. It's like, you're fat, you're
ugly. No one's gonna love you because
you look like this. That was kind of like the the
reality that I grew up in. And that was coming from
parents, Yeah. And do you know looking back
now, like why, like is there any clarity on like why they spoke
to you like that? Well, my mom, my mom was a
narcissist and she, well, she, I mean, we're all products of
what, how we were raised, right? So my mom was like, and now my
grandma is still alive, but my, I lost my mom to cancer in 2014
and she, she said to me, she was like, wow, I fucked up with you.
I really, she was like, I, I crushed you.
I destroyed you. I tried to make you some
something that you never were. And like, I know you.
I know you since I held you that you were different and like, I
crushed you. I destroyed you and I'm.
Sorry, I'm going to cry. It was like really a beautiful
thing, but it didn't mean that I but it's still, I still have to
go back and like fix. Oh my God, of course.
But I mean, obviously it's, it's, you know, it's very nice
to have that sort of resolution with a parent who's hurt you,
obviously. Was that her like on her
deathbed quote? Yeah, we, because I literally
was like, you know, she, she it was like all of a sudden, all of
a sudden I had a good mom. She got sick and then she was
like, fuck, Oh my God, I messed up.
She had six months left. And then we became best friends
and I was like what the fuck? Oh my God.
Like classic thing where like yeah, near death thing near
death. And honestly, here's The thing
is like, I don't know if she would have.
I don't know if she would see me if she was here.
So like there's a lot of like I've had to work through a lot
of like what ifs, not what ifs, but also like they're both my
parents are gone and I have a lot of peace about it because
they were, they were really hard on us and they, they really,
they really molded me to hate myself and I've had to like
forgive them and like move on and figure out how to love my,
I've had to like re parent myself.
But I also look back and I'm like, you did your best.
You were scared for me, like not making excuses, but like to
understand where you're coming from and also to to have a root
of like in the end, my mom saw and she and I got that like
apology from her that like sort of that's very peaceful to know,
but but yeah, so. Can I ask how things ended with
your dad? So my dad and I, I, I, I don't
know, I don't know how things ended.
I wasn't talking to him when he passed.
So it was like it was interesting because my dad was
by post schizophrenic and he was really abusive growing up.
So like we he was always accusing me of like trying to
kill him. And I know that sounds like
scary or like fake or like a whore, but it's just very that
was my reality. Like since I was 12 my dad has
accused me of like trying to hurt him.
Sure, because he's. Yeah.
And it was just like, my mom was the only person that kept him at
Bay. My mom would be like, are you
fucking nuts? I'm going to leave you and
you're going to pay for everything.
Like, what are you crazy? And then my mom dies and he kind
of like cracks, you know, and he like, he kind of loses grip with
reality and like. Did he ever seek out like,
mental health? He was.
I mean, he was raw dogging it. Yeah, I mean, he was you.
We tried to be like, Dad, you're sick and he's like, fuck you,
you're crazy, you're trying to kill me, you know.
But he was like a provider and he kept it at my mom.
It was so weird. It was like, I don't know how
they like kept it together, but they did.
And my, the last time that I, my dad was like, you killed mom.
He was like. It's your fault.
You gave her cancer, you poisoned her, you made her sick.
You're a liar. You're like the spawn of and
this is. 12 years ago, so you were still very young.
Oh, I was, I was 21 when this. Yeah.
And he was like, you're a liar. You've lied to me your entire
life. And I was like, the only thing
I've ever lied to you about is that I'm a faggot.
I'm gay. And he was like, get the fuck
out of the house. But then what's crazy is like,
we had, he was obviously in the middle of an episode.
And so I moved out of the house immediately after that.
And that year moved to New York. But I remember coming home once
or twice and we talked about me being gay.
And he was like, look, man, because he was just like,
really? You don't, You don't like look
at a pair of tits and just get so healthy.
And I was like, no. Unless I'm wearing them honey,
right? And he was like, well, that's
all right, cool, whatever, you know.
So he had like never his. He was, he was so cool before my
dad got sick. He was like, really great.
Wow, he. Was a great dad like it was so
fun always taking us on adventures like we didn't have a
lot of money, but he like made things so fun for us like he
built, he built us playgrounds and pools and like took us on
camping trips and like fishing trips and like all this fun
stuff and like then he like it just like it was a switch.
It was like really crazy. So me and my dad got into it in
2018 and I, like, never went home again.
And then I woke up to a phone call from my sister and he was,
she was gone. So it was like, it was weird.
I'd like, I I was so mad at him because I was like, you're a
piece of shit. Like, I don't, I want a regular
dad. Yeah, everyone has regular dads
except me. Like why?
And that was the thing. It's like, that was not the hard
thing for me growing up. It's like when you grow up in a
lot in a, in a with a lot of trauma, you think that everyone
experiences that you think it's a very common experience.
And then you start, I remember in high school I started
realizing, Oh my God, like your mom doesn't.
I just remember being like, oh, like your parents don't freak
out or like, Oh, your mom isn't yelling at you to.
Can I tell you I had this moment when TikTok started and I'd see
Tik toks of families doing like a game night and like laughing
and being like kind to each other.
I thought they were faking it. I was like, this is they're like
actors, right? I'll never forget being like, Oh
my God. Yeah, there are families who,
like, operate as a whole and like, love and jab and support
each other and like, are silly. Yeah and have yeah, have fun,
yeah. And like, oh you, oh y'all,
y'all, y'all get presents like oh y'all like Julie, y'all like
you. Have traditions and like, you
have these little things like dad's in the recliner, moms, you
know, pulling cinnamon rolls out of the oven.
You love being with your. Parents, Oh my God, what do you?
Mean, like, your mom's your best friend.
What? That didn't happen until she was
like dying And then like, yeah, it was just weird.
Yeah, OK. So it was.
Yeah. So life was.
Sorry to take that before. About it makes it it.
Comfortable, it informs. Yeah.
So now you're in New York? Yes.
Did you always want to do drag? No, not at all.
Did you? But you're a musical theatre.
I was a musical theatre. I had moved in.
I moved to, yeah, I literally moved to New York to do theatre.
I was doing, I was playing Farkwod and Trek the Musical at
Fort Peck Summer Theatre. And my friend Austin called me
and he was like, hey, I'm doing a cruise contract and I need
someone to, like, sublet my room.
Do you want it? And I was like, I can't move to
New York. I don't have money.
This is like, I had just gotten into a big fight with my dad.
I just moved out. Like, I had nowhere to go.
Like, I moved to my grandmother's house and then
immediately went out on contract.
So I was, I just didn't have anywhere to go.
Yeah. And and I was like, but I, I
thought I was just gonna like move somewhere in Louisiana.
I had no idea. Like New York.
I was like, me New York, if you don't move to New York.
And he was like David, just like, take it, it's six months.
You can kind of figure it out. It's just 600 a month.
Wow. And I was like, what?
I was like, I don't. Know I I mean 600 a month sounds
like so much when you're when. You're like when you had when?
I mean, I had like, what, $1000 to my name at the time.
So I was like, what? That's like all the money I
have, you know? In one month.
In one month, yeah. That's so.
But I did. And they would, my God.
And it was the best thing ever. And I went to go to theater and
I was, yeah. And that's what.
And I immediately got a job as serving tables and doing whatnot
and. Looking back, is that one of the
scariest but most important decisions you ever made?
Definitely changed my life. I would like and I'm like, I
feel so fortunate that I. Isn't it crazy?
I think there's a version of you that never left.
Oh my God, Louisiana. Can you imagine it?
But see, I bet you he's happy in a different way.
That you do OK. Oh yeah, He's like, he's the
star. He's like the star of some like
community theater. He is probably, he's probably
making way more money and he's probably married, but he's not
like following his dream. OK.
I bet you he's happy in a different way.
Respect. Yeah.
OK, so you're in New York. What's your sex life like?
Like are you being at the? Time when I moved to New York.
I was dating someone at the time.
OK, wait, you missed something then.
A Louisiana boy. Yeah, no, actually.
So I met him like literally my best friend at the time was on a
cruise contract with the one that you subletted from similar,
but not the same person, but like in the same friend group.
OK, so my friend Tay was in, yeah, she was doing this like
fucking celebrity group, whatever.
And she met this, or I think she was actually, I think it was
Royal Caribbean. Wow.
And she he, she was best friends with this dancer on board.
And the dancer was like, who's that friend that you're talking
to? He's so cute.
And so then we started talking and it was like long distance.
And then like when he got off the contract, we like flew to
see each other and like kind of just like fell in love and we
started doing like long distance and it was like really toxic and
really stupid, but like we. Were where was his home base?
I'm sorry. He he was in DC He was like in
Maryland. So then when I was like, how are
we going to do this? I'm in Louisiana, you're in DC
And then I get this call to be like, come move to New York.
Guess what? And I was like, whoa, this is
perfect. New York is DC close.
You can finish school. It was like, yeah, so it was
kind of like that. And that was some of the best
sex of my life, really, 100%. Tell us about it and is this the
first person you had anal with or did you have it with Sonic?
No, I tried to have anal with Sonic, but like I didn't know
what I was doing. We both didn't know what we were
doing. So we both, you know, painted
each other. So it was just like not.
Cute. Yeah, a Coney or whatever.
What's the chili cheese? Yeah, exactly honey.
Well, he was like a three inch Coney.
I was a foot long so. Was he a three inch?
Oh, it was the tiniest little like thumb of a penis.
But you were so excited. I mean, it was.
He loved it. He likes me.
He really likes me, yeah. OK, so best sex you've ever had?
Tell us about Do you think any part of that is because it was
like the first relationship? Oh, yeah.
I mean I. Was in love with him.
I mean, I was just so in love with him and like we we're also,
we both discovered later that we're on the spectrum and neuro
spicy. So I was like, oh, no wonder we
like we had a lot of sex and we were also long distance.
So it was like every time we saw each other, it was just like
like, oh, sorry, I was really, but just like really intense,
passionate, like so excited, so excited to see you fucking, you
know, just so it was like was. He also not all about not into
like casual sex or like hookups. Yeah, we were, we were
monogamous. Although now looking back, I
was, I realized that like the only reason I was monogamous was
because I was so insecure and he wanted to explore being open and
it was really hard for me. But now it's no, it's very
different. I wouldn't be that way anymore,
but I just was like, I'm kind of territorial and I just was like
didn't want to share. And he was like way, he's way.
All right at the time was just like, Oh my God, you're like so
much hotter than me. And he was like, he's a dancer.
I had a dancer body. Like he was just like more
conventionally attractive than I was or am or, or thought I was
in my head. So it was just like kind of a
mind, yeah. You know, also, it sounds like
you grew up in what I would call like an unstable home.
So when you're getting to pick a partner, you need a stability
thing where you're not wondering what they're doing or thinking
or feeling. Exactly because I spent so much
time at home, like hyper vigilant, like are you going to
hit me today? Are you mad?
Did I who? What are you going to accuse me
of today? You know, like what are, you
know, Yeah. That's heartbreaking.
So you had but you had to go back to the the silver lining.
We've we're now at your great best sex or some of your yeah,
it's. Really, it's really, I mean he's
the first one I we played like, I mean, I like we just explored.
I mean, we were young and we explored with each other.
Like we explored a lot of kinks. We you know, I like I tied him
up. We did like dirty talk like sub
Dom play toys, video, a lot of video sex.
Because you're a long distance. Yeah, which is kind of not like
a kink for me now, but I'm really into.
Getting a video. Yeah, and role-playing the video
as well is really hot for me. Wait, and is this a FaceTime
call or is it like sending videos back and forth?
This is a lot of FaceTime and a few videos back and forth.
Yeah. And I'm, yeah, actually, yeah,
we did video a lot. I did videoing to know.
I do, obviously I. Shouldn't say that publicly.
My God I hate videoing none of that on the Internet.
Once you do, once you do Drag race or whatever thing launches
you. If I ever get on Drag Race, my
giant penis is going to be on the Internet.
And you know what? It's OK.
Let it fly because. It's a big one.
It's pretty. It's pretty.
You'll love it. Can confirm.
Can you imagine you can you add a Ding Ding?
OK, so ultimately, even though you're just New York and DCI say
it like I wouldn't break up with someone from being across town
in LA, you're closer than ever, but it is like fizzling or it's
like coming to a head. It I, well, we just started
wanting different things like we like we and we, we broke up and
got together like countless times, right?
So it started, it ended up being like, you know, you're going to
move here, right? You're going to like, it always
been like we're going to end up together in the same place.
And then it ended up being we didn't want to be in the same
place. And then, but I was like, so
gung ho and like getting winning him back, 'cause the last, the
last breakup we or the second to last breakup, like he was like,
fuck you, I'm over it. And I was like, and then once I
got it back, I was like, wait, this actually doesn't work.
It's just classic, you know what I mean?
And so I, it just ended up just like not we wanted different
things. And so I had, I decided to bow
out and it was like heartbreaking.
It was interesting. He was like, I learned so much
from him. Like I and I used to hate him.
My God, because like right after me, he started like the first,
the second set one, like we broke up and he started seeing
someone and then they broke up and then we started seeing each
other again. But I was like, I think you're
seeing him still. And then we broke up to get for
good. We broke up and then like 2
years late or like a year and a half later, he was like 2 years
with my guy and I was like, Oh, you were, I was right.
I was right. Oh.
God, but it's it's fine because he's a Trump supporter and they
got divorced, so. The guy was, yeah.
Wow. Which is so crazy to me anyway.
OK, so what's sex life like after this first relationship?
Very, very rocky. Because now it's like my first
time kind of on grinder again, Like it's my first time really,
like, not bound to anyone. And I was scared I'd never
really bottomed. I mean, like, we reversed, but
like, I had never really bought them for anyone else.
Like, it was just like, yeah. And again, I'm like, single and
think I'm hideous. So it's like, you know, And
living in New York City, luckily I was in Brooklyn.
So Brooklyn, the Brooklyn gays are not as horrible.
Wait, OK, So this is jumping forward a little bit, then where
are you at with, like you just said, thinking you were hideous?
Yeah, I know. Like, our perception of
ourselves is an ongoing battlefield.
Yeah. So where are you at now?
And what are some things that helped you move forward or
closer to the side where you see yourself as like beautiful, you
know, wanted, desirable? Honestly, I mean, like a lot of,
I mean, obviously I've had relationships in between that
after Josh, but like after the the acts, whatever.
But honestly, self exploration, like I would say masturbation
truly. Yeah.
I mean like I just like was I just, I started coming at it as
around a place of love and a place of spending time with
myself and discovering myself. It's literally like kind of like
touching my hand, like kind of figuring out what you like.
And yeah, I started playing and also like again, I just, I
started like, yeah, like I started playing with playing
with toys a lot, especially, you know, after this is like right
after, you know, I started, yeah, this is like right before
the pandemic and into the pandemic.
No, it's like a lot of a lot of exploration through toys.
Can you tell? Us about some of that like your
toy journey yeah, I guess toys elicit the dildos like yeah.
Like my dildos, like I just like remember liking, yeah, I, you
know what's so funny? We had this like prop dildo that
we used for a Stephanie's child concert that like we each had
our own. So it was like nobody had like,
no one was else was using this. And I was like, hmm, I wonder
what this is actually like. And I loved it.
I was like, Oh my God. And I remember like it was
during the bitch, during the pandemic, I would just like lock
myself in my room. Me and my roommate weren't
talking about the time we were mad at each other.
And I would just like play for a long period of time, you know,
Also, I'm ADHD, so I was like stemming as well.
Literally. It's very stimming.
Stimming, yeah. Like it's a very.
It's a very yeah, I. Don't know what stimming is?
Stimming. It's like like.
Oh, stimming is stimulating. Stimulating.
It's very. Stimulating for an ADHD brain
our brains are always looking for dopamine that's why we're
always like state we're stimming we're always like a vocal stem
like like people like have epilelia people who are always
like me I mean I'm I'm a perfect example of that yeah so it was
like yeah and then I I mean I don't know I also started like
and also always in front of a mirror and then it was like oh,
can I take a bigger toy and then it just like became this like
I've got like 20 of them now wow and and it's yeah and then.
And this also helped you. OK, So did this make you because
we're in the pandemic now, so it's not sex isn't as much of an
option. Did it make you excited to
bottom or to start bottoming? Yeah, definitely, definitely at
the time. And then I and yeah, and I also
didn't realize that my Dick was big either.
I know you said this at dinner a couple of nights ago and I I.
I just didn't realize it was big.
I also was heavier too. So you have to realize that like
I when you're heavier. You lose a little bit, a little.
Bit of length, yeah. So like, as I also during this
time, I'm losing weight, so I'm like, oh, hello, who are you
down there? You know, I was like.
So I'm kind of like, slowly discovering that he's great.
He's desired. Yeah.
Nowadays, OK, but nowadays you've been on.
OK, So you've been on Grinder then?
Yeah, definitely for a bit now. And it's not.
Very good at it. There's blind spots.
Sure, if you will. With Grinder, yeah.
At the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But like, I know I've gotten to this point where it's like, if I
get to the point in a conversation where we're
exchanging nudes, yeah, I'm fairly confident my nudes elicit
a positive response. See, at the time they didn't
really. Yeah, at that time, my best, my
I was again like. Piece of your body.
Yeah, I was also just like, I was very, very skinny fat.
I was like, not strength training at all.
I was just like in a different place.
So like I was receiving a lot more.
No, I was receiving a lot more no than.
Yes, let's just say, OK. So.
Which was kind of a mindfuck too.
Of course. And I've kind of discovered too,
that I'm more a demisexual anyway, OK.
And so at the time, I was like more looking for connection
before we're hooking up, right? And that to listeners,
demisexual is like attraction kind of begins in the mind and
like the personality and the person, like you need to have
some sort of it. Anonymous sex would not be.
Yeah, anonymous sex wasn't really working.
Enticing for a demisexual. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
So how have you found? Because I'll go ahead and say
that, like you, you do hook up. Now I do, yeah.
But like, how have you incorporated like casual
hookups? Is that part of the journey of
being more confident or? Yeah.
I would say, I would say I would like find myself hooking up with
people that I've like connected with on grinder for a few days
or like someone I've been talking to for a long time.
And honestly, even now I'll like star somebody on grinder and
we'll talk for like and like because it's, you know, also
living in New York, it's such a timing thing.
It's so like a like, are you 5 miles away from me?
Are you are you at home? Like are you like?
It's very that, so I would find that if we've been talking on
Grinder for a while, obviously there's interest there.
So my anxiety lowers. I'm starting to flirt and send
nudes and with this person. So I find that that is kind of
how I started. So that my.
Casual hookups and then my casual hookups became casual
like friend with benefits. OK, that's what I was gonna.
Ask you that was what it kind of a lot of my hooking up was at
the time. Or does it ever lead to dates?
Or do dates. Not really have early New York
because everyone was very like I'm not looking to date Licious.
Fuck yeah, and I was just out of a relationship too as well.
So I was like, I'm not, I'm just looking to fuck.
And then today, would you say you are open to hookups, open to
dates, open to benefits? Now, are you still?
Would you consider yourself a relationship girly or are you I?
I would consider myself ready for a relationship with the
right person. Yeah, I've definitely.
And I think I I, this is where I'm at.
I wasn't dating for a long time and not dating.
OK. Yeah, I I just started dating
like the end of last. Year Was there any reason you
weren't dating? I wasn't healed from the last
one I had like I just held on to.
To the DC guy, No, no, no. OK, OK.
The in the midst of all this was a really big heartbreak that it
doesn't deserve my attention so it but.
Is that like a new conclusion you've come to?
I just like, you know how some people are like some people
like, want to stay friends. Yeah.
And I'm like I can't be your friend cuz I still like like
you. Of course and.
Part of me still like, thinks about it and that's fine.
Like I, I don't have to. Like we don't have to like, I
understand. Like you don't have to like me.
Like, that's not you. I there's nothing I can do to
make you like me anymore. However, you don't get to have a
you don't get to have access to me now just because, like, you
want to be friends. Yeah.
Like you think it's been a long time now.
So because I, I. I couldn't do it.
Yeah, I just like still have a crush on you, kind of.
And I know it's like, it's not even a crush.
It's like, I know it'll never happen.
I know it'll never be, but there's parts of me that are
like, but I've accepted that it's kind of like, I don't know.
It's just like I, I don't hear everything you're saying.
Also part of it is probably the ADD brain where you're like.
Trying to figure out why. You're trying to like Yeah,
exactly. And.
I really never got. Friends, why aren't we doing
that? Like, oh, he doesn't like me.
I'm. Yeah, like you're and it was
very like what I and here's the thing, it's like the sad part
that I've learned is that sometimes there's nothing that
you did. Sometimes you just realize that
you just don't like that person. Yeah, it's not anything that you
did intentionally or it's like a moment.
It's just clicks like, oh, this hasn't worked and I didn't
realize that that isn't that. That's enough because it's
happened to me where I'm like, wow, you're actually a really
great guy. There's Have you ever had to
break up with somebody? Yes.
That they did nothing wrong. Both.
Both my year long people did nothing wrong.
And that it's the worst because I.
Pulled away because I was like, I just like, it's not, it's
flipping. Yeah.
And that's how. Yeah, and that's so I have to
accept that, just like how other people have to have have.
I expect other people to expect, you know, accept it from me.
But it still sucks. That's why I always wonder if
like, that's the moment where some people open up their
relationship because it sounds like, you know, we may maybe we
weren't getting the things we needed or wanted.
So like in lieu of breaking up? You see?
Just. Doesn't leave one.
Listen, I'm a short term relationship girly.
Once I noticed that like, you know, we're kind of veering off
the path instead of desperately trying to cobble a new path
together. I'm often like, let's just, you
know, all right, let's go. Yeah, this is what it was and.
Think too and like. Obviously, if you need, you
know, emergency help, you can use my number, but like I also I
struggle being friends with someone I'm dating.
I I often put them into a different category.
I think that's. So crazy because I mean, aren't
they supposed to be your best friend?
I mean, good reason why I haven't really been in anything
substantial. Yeah, I mean.
Yeah, I think it's a a tall order to have a best friend that
you also want to come in and or around all the time.
Yeah, it's, it's, it's kind of a mindback, isn't it?
It's a. Lot.
There's also this part, and I realized that today it's like
there's a part where with someone you become family.
And I guess people would say that automatically when you have
kids with someone. But like there's a point where
like, you know them so intimately, so deeply that they
become family, right? And then I start to feel like
icky about. Yeah.
Does it really? In my head, yes, Where I'm just
like, I know you so well. Like, like I've, you know,
parted and it's just like, I don't know.
It loses like its appeal. I think so.
Huh. Yeah.
I don't know, I guess for me, I I just have to find the like the
hot autistic boy who is really into me, who like really bounces
and plays well off of my ADHD. Because like I realized that the
reason I was in such a great or the reason me and Josh let my
first relationship lasted so long is because we were both
near spicy. And like, it's very, it's very
Canon for people with ADHD to find each other and with Yeah,
and and people who on the spectrum to like really match
because they, the brain they play.
Yeah, they get it. They compliment each other, so
it's interesting to me that God, my brows are two different
shapes because of the lighting. And the room?
No. No, it's OK, I'm gonna fix it
with the. I think for me, like, I could
also maybe end up with someone spicy or just like someone who's
like, so grounded and so like, doesn't have like an anxious
bone in their body where they're like, it's OK.
Like, yeah, come sit down with me.
You're OK. Yeah.
Because I think also I had pretty explosive.
Well, I had an explosive mom and find an absent dad.
Wow. So that's so similar.
Yeah, I relate. To that so your mom was
explosive? Oh my God, like my God, egg
shell. You'd, you'd walk on egg shells
because you didn't know and I did.
It's so crazy to learn these things now where it's like.
Oh, that's why I'm like, are you?
Jumping Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm also always reading the
room. I'm also always hyper focused on
how people feel in a room. I'm like that Lady in the corner
is upset. Like I'm like noticing these
things and it's because it's like.
It's a safety mechanism. Yeah, you had to be on guard.
Yeah, to protect, yeah. Yeah, just to help facilitate,
to make things easiest for you. My mom's been like, we've been
really good. I mean, for a long time now,
probably for, but went growing up and I would say through maybe
like college. Yeah.
She was very, very explosive. Really.
Yeah. But oh, but that's why I think I
deeply crave like a guy who like, I'm not even, I'm not
worried in the slightest that he's obsessed with me.
He loves me, you know. He's willing to, you know, work
things out. You know, I can't be guessing.
I can't be guessing. You know, what's so interesting
is that I am so I, I, I, I find myself being so attracted to the
guessing and I it's a it's a toxic.
Trait. Oh my God, that's so.
It's like I realized like that's why the last one like fucked me
up so bad is because I was just trying so hard to figure out
like what to do to make him like me again because that's what I
was doing at home. I was like dad is mean right now
but I know he loves me So what do I need to do to fix it so
that. He loves me again and.
So that's what they're like every in therapy.
It was really interesting in therapy with my, my therapist
would be like, hey, so every time we start with your ex, we
end with your dad. Have you noticed?
And I was like, no, I was like, no way.
I was like, this is no, I'm just like, I love him.
Like I love him. And she's like, she's like, no,
So like, and then she was like day by day, she was like on this
session, we ended him. We all.
She was like, we if you we if we ever talk about him, we have
your dad. Wow.
And so that was like the huge like, oh, this is like not a
you. This is not which is another
reason why I can't be his friend just because you trigger.
Yeah, you are. You are a like living example of
like my abandonment wounds. So I cannot be around.
You're a shortcut back to trauma, right?
So it's and it's not tech, it's not even your fault.
No, it's just what you represent now.
So like, I don't want to be around you.
And it's like, yeah, I. Don't know.
Wow. So that's also you doing
something that in a way you feel comfortable with because you
know it so well. Yeah, Oh my God.
And what's crazy is that like, I think a lot of what my work is
now is like kind of relearning what like safety and love means.
And like maybe the, because I have always like, well, there's
no spark. I've noticed that like if I'm
not feeling sparks with someone I have to really ask myself,
it's like, is it because you don't like them or is it because
they're safe? Oh my God, not yeah, you're
speaking. Because I'm like, because I'm
like, what sucks is I'm like, wait, I you are so great.
Like why am I not vibing? Like why am I not picking up?
Why am I not, oh, you're not stressing me out.
I'm not really concerned if you like me or not.
I like know you like me a lot actually.
There's a deeper thing too where I'm getting over this, but it's
like you like me this much, there must be something wrong
with you. Oh my God, Say that, Say that,
say that. You know what I mean?
I've had to really learn too like I would I.
Mean now I'm obsessed with myself.
But like in the past, yeah, that's been a thought.
I'm learning to become obsessed with myself.
I've also learned that like, I used to just settle for so much,
like for yeah, for so little, little.
I would just be like, yeah, you treat me like shit, but like one
time you were nice to me. So I know.
And that's the other thing. Like I growing up in the
household that I grew up, I had to idealize a lot.
I had to like make up a lot of love where there was none.
So it was like, that's what I did.
You were like living on scraps. Yeah.
Oh, honey. There's also like a thing, a
boy. And he fucking loved her.
Bread from me. Oh my.
Fucking just like enough to keep you on the hook.
Just enough to be like, well, maybe someday.
Oh my God, you know what? So you know what even sucks
worse is that if he really hit me up and wanted to hang out,
I'd be like, sure. At least you know it.
You know, whatever. I have a friend who recently was
in a very I'm going to let use the word toxic.
I know he tossed it around. He was in a very it was a bad
relationship. They ended finally it was back
and forth. They ended, he got with someone
else, they broke up and he went back to the the really bad one.
Yeah. I mean, that's, I mean.
I just. That sounds like a drama come
in. Yeah.
But I do think, yeah, this, the secret to life and happiness, is
falling deeply in love with yourself.
Deeply, deeply in love. Just the way you are, just the
way you are. Cuz that's The thing is like I,
I used to, I used to be like, well, when I lose weight.
When I do this no like. No, you cannot delay happiness,
not at all. And also it's they feed into
each other. Then like when you start to love
yourself, taking care of yourself is easier because it's
not. You're not doing stuff because
you hate yourself, you're doing it because you love yourself and
everything comes becomes fueled from love.
Yes. And that which is foreign, it's
foreign for people like us. I know foreign to be like, wait,
I'm worth it. And that's the thing that I've
learned too. It's like when I as an ADHD
person, when I don't stick to stuff, I've learned that that is
me abandoning myself. Damn.
Why? Why do I like people Don't I'm
like, I get mad. Well, they, they abandoned me.
They abandoned me. They didn't show up for me.
Why don't you show up for you? Why don't you do the work?
There's a. No, you're the person who has to
spend the most time with you, all the time.
Always. Beginning, middle and end.
Yeah, there's you. Start to love it.
A phrase if you, if your parents left you standing in the rain
when you were five years old, shame on them.
If you're in the if you're 30 and still standing in the rain,
shame on you. Yeah.
And I really resonated with me because it's like, yeah, you can
point and I'm not downplaying trauma.
Oh, not at all. And you should know, you know
this better than anyone. But like it.
Using that only gets you so far. Right.
I mean, it's there's a moment where you have to.
I mean, it happened when I was getting over the sky.
I was like, OK, how? Like there's just a moment where
you we all have to stop and and and hold ourselves accountable
for our own suffering. Yeah.
Because like, am I deciding to? Because sometimes you just have
to decide. And honestly, people say like
when you get over stuff, it really is just one day you get
over it. For me, I've realized that I'm
just like, oh, actually one day you're all of a sudden you're
like, huh. The clouds part, yeah, you're
like, wait a minute. And that doesn't mean they won't
come back. No, right.
But you just start to see you're like, oh wait, I'm worth more.
Oh, why am I so upset about this?
Or. There's also a phrase in, yeah,
in a well in my recovery program that like, no, no feeling lasts
forever, but you use that for good and bad.
So it's like, oh, I'm so happy right now and I will not feel
this way forever. Or I'm so deeply sad right now,
but I will not feel this way forever.
And it's just like a good. It's just like when you're in
it, it's such a calming thing. Yeah.
To be like, I, yes, I feel this way.
First of all, feeling bad is not a bad thing.
No. But like, it will not last.
For in my experience, it does not last forever.
No, it really doesn't. OK, let's end with a round of
Hot or Not. I love how we talked about sex
and it became therapy and I love.
It Oh my God, I know I am curious to my listeners to see
if they enjoyed that because it's obviously more like I feel
like just like a fact finding mission on someone's like sex
life. But that was very that was very
fulfilling for me to talk to you about that.
Me too. So hot or not.
I list things and you tell me if you find them hot or not.
OK, great orgies. Not.
And is that because you? I just I just not my thing.
I again on the Demi. I like much prefer like.
Are groups fun? Sure, sure.
But you're not seeking them out. No, I would much prefer A1 on
one or or or being the guest feature somewhere.
I agree with the one-on-one thing, it just ultimately it's
like. That's where I really thrive.
OK, PDA. Hot.
Is there any limit? Depends on the location.
OK, then let's segue into sex or sexual activity in like a public
space. Again, depends on the location.
Like Fire Island on the beach, Absolutely OK like.
Where it's like where it's I've. Had my Dick stuck many a time on
the beach. It's, like, still not legal, but
it is actually socially acceptable, right?
Like, so like, here, Would you do something on the dance floor?
Yeah. OK, I would.
And you find that hot? Yeah, hot.
Brilliant spit and or spitting on it or in it.
Hot. OK, hot deep tongue kissing.
Not really. OK, it has to be.
It depends like if you are, if like, for example, this guy on
the last cruise literally like starts, starts whole log farts,
farts starts with like tongue licking my uvula.
Yeah. And you're trying to get your
like, like alien. No, yeah.
Hot, like passionate, like, like it builds.
It builds. We work because that we work
too. Oh my God.
And Oh my God. We're both like, like inside
each other in a way. Like we're tongue fucking like.
For a moment, and then a moment and then it.
We're tracks. Yeah, I when I tell you he goes.
OK, so which which is worse? The flip side is they don't
fucking put their tongue in your mouth.
Oh my God, no. No.
Which one's worse though? Which one's worse?
I'm actually going to say no tongue.
Is no tongue too much? Tongue.
I agree because. There's no tongue.
I'm like. The peckers, the ones who are
just like. I'm like, are you literally
kissing me like you kiss your family members?
Yeah, like what's going on like. Put your God damn tongue in my
mouth. Also, just open your fucking
mouth, yeah? Yeah, OK, raunchy like pig sex.
Huh. OK, huh.
Why not? Does that include like, what
about water sports? Oh, I I mean like, I'm not gonna
like, I'm not gonna look. For it, you're not seeking it
out, but you're not. Seeking it out if you want to do
it to me or you want me to do it to you.
And we're like in A and we're in.
A wet setting setting and then sure, yeah.
Also really into like really nasty talk.
OK, Verbal. Yeah.
Like this, the last couple I fucked on this boat was like a
porn star and his husband and I was like fucking the porn star
and his husband was like yeah, you like this handsome boy
fucking your fucking muscle daddy pussy?
Fuck yeah fuck. And I was like I.
I'm gonna come. And yeah, and I did and I did,
Yeah, I fucking. Did.
Hi, I'm gonna come. Yeah, I, yeah, it was that
really into the just say horrible, disgusting things to
me. Verbal, I think I told you this,
I was blowing a gentleman and he went make it disappear.
Come on. Make it disappear.
So hot. That's hot.
So yeah. And I was like, well, now I'm
motivated. And as a praise kink, you know,
this, I don't know. We haven't really talked talked
about it on this one. But I do have a bit of a praise
kink that I discovered through someone asking me to talk to
him. Disgusting.
And now I fucking love it. I it's not necessary.
Like it's not necessarily like I don't need it with every
partner, but if someone wants to do that, then like, let's let's
have at it, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah. I do know OK, what about hooking
up in drag? Absolutely fucking not.
OK? Never in a minute.
Never. No.
And is that because you don't like how they're seeing you or?
I just I it's just like not sexy for me.
I know it's a fantasy for you, but it's not my fantasy to
fucking try to hook up with a wig and lipstick on.
Like it's just not my tea. I'm also just like, you know,
I'm just like, I would OK, how about this?
I would suck. I would definitely suck a Dick
and drag, sure, but I'm not going to like try to get.
Fun talk or like yeah, yeah, yeah, come.
Hot, definitely. Hot Is there a favorite place
you like to come or become? I like to come.
I love to come and mouth and vice versa.
I like, I like come in my mouth. Really.
Do you swallow? Yeah, definitely.
And you like them? Swallow.
Listen, listen. I.
Don't mind a spit. Out there, there, there are boys
out there who are obsessed with sargundic but don't swallow.
I'm like. You know what that actually I've
experienced that on this ship and it was still very hot.
I don't like that. I like.
I need a motivated, motivated, eager person who's like very say
that who wants to do that. Who wants it?
Yeah, yeah, wants it to be. Fingering.
Meh, hot. OK.
Hot. I don't know, I just like I get
subconscious about it cuz I have nails on a lot so my fingers are
like talons. Yeah and I don't really enjoy
it. I'd rather you just, like, stick
your tongue or your fucking. I mean, I will, yeah.
You know. Oh, eating ass.
Love, love. Oh my God.
I think my favorite really. Yeah, or I think I I'm I lean
side. I just, there's something much
more intimate to me. About oral, I agree.
Like you are actively deciding to like because you are
servicing me or I am servicing you and like it is like the.
Control is also next level. Yeah, I.
Hand mouth coordination, yeah, you're like in a very
subservient or dominating position with, with anal.
It's like, yes, it is fun and yes, when I get there I'm like
so jazzed it's happening, right. But like, I think it's that I
can experience true bliss with just oral.
So I'm just like, we can do that.
But like also yeah, I don't need to.
Exactly how I feel like when people.
Are like he's OK if I just like yes, yeah, God, please.
Get at it, get over here, Put your mouth on it.
Yeah, but at the same time, I hate it when boys talk big game
about loving to suck Dick and then there's teeth all over it.
Granted, he's girthy. He's a big he's, he's.
Girthy. He's a girthy.
Man. You should have like, OK, so I
blow I suck Dick with my Invisalign in now just in case,
just in case, even if it's not big, I'm like, I'm going to do
this. It'll be fun to even kind of
like use it. But like, couldn't you get like
a sports card that you have on hand for boys to put in their
mouth? Oh.
My God, no, I would no. Yeah, make make sucking your
Dick like a rugby event, honestly.
Oh skull fucking. I like it if they're into it,
don't do it to me. Yeah, I agree with that.
Yeah. Like if you want me to do it to
you, because I have, I've had guys who are like, want me to do
that to them. Yeah, I don't need that.
Degradation. I'm sorry.
Degradation. Yeah.
If you're into that, sure. Not in.
Not if you're into it and you want me to do it to you?
Absolutely. I don't need.
Oh my.
God, yeah, I don't. I could not prescribe that less
to you. What, Someone degrading you?
Yeah, I know I would. Absolutely.
I would weep. I would cry.
Yeah. And not in a good way.
And let's end with leather, OK? I don't need it.
I know. Me neither.
I just don't. I don't get it.
I don't think I get it. Just like it doesn't take it off
for what? Why do you?
That's kind of me with any sort of gear.
Yeah, I'm not. I'm like, I'm not.
When I think of men, they're not in neon colored harnesses and
shiny plastic Speedo. Yeah, I just need you just.
Be in your boxer briefs, yeah. Be in.
Yeah. Just just honestly say, tell me
that you want to be here and I'm there.
I'm like, that's, that's what I really need, you know?
All right, And the last thing in the pod is what is some advice
you'd give to younger Laguna before he began his sexual
journey? It's just like, hey, look,
listen up, you know, see. What would I say?
OK, it's. Huge.
It's a lot bigger than you think it is People like it.
People are going to really like it.
Also my sweet, my sweet, you're so beautiful.
Oh, I know you don't think it, but you are.
Trust me. Take 1000 naked pictures of
yourself right now. Just do it.
So then you can look back and be like wow, look how hot I am.
You know what I mean? Do that.
Oh, that's what I would say. Cute.
And then last thing. Is where tell the tower.
Bottoms where they can. Find love and support you.
You can find love and support me on all social media at Laguna.
Blue NYC and you can stream my music, specifically Underwater
Bubble Pop Deluxe on all streaming platforms.
I love you so much. I love you too.
Thank you for having me. Thank you.
I didn't finish. The look, but it's gorgeous.
And if you weren't watching along, go watch the.
YouTube of this Laguna has been getting into her face and it's
so fun to watch. Yeah, I wish.
I wish I could paint faster, but I should make every.
Guest put on a full face drag. Even if they've never done it.
All right, I love you. Until next time, keep sucking
and fucking bye. Hello Tower.
Bottoms, it's me, your host, Zach Newey Towers.
Thank you so much for listening to Good Side Pod.
If you haven't already, give it a five star rating, leave a
review, share it with a friend, get the word out.
I love you so much.