1 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,880 The Guna blue. Hi, how's? 2 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:26,520 It going good. How are you I'm. 3 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:28,160 So excited to be here. This. 4 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:31,360 This is the coolest setup I've ever had on the pod. 5 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:32,960 You're kidding. Really. 6 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:35,560 Wow. I usually just set up my camera 7 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,800 in my bed in my office and like and go. 8 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,360 It's 1 angle, but this is a very like avant-garde. 9 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,200 Very, yeah, 'cause we're it's and there's mirrors and lines 10 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,440 and cameras and actions, yeah. Actually people, this is a 11 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,800 better reason than ever to run to the YouTube. 12 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,200 Also, the video version of this is on Spotify. 13 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,600 I forget if we're boycotting them, but let's pretend that in 14 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:57,080 this moment we're not. OK, great. 15 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:01,920 Yeah, I'll streaming platforms to introduce the Tower Bottoms 16 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,080 to who you are. First of all, by at this point I 17 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:08,920 think I am going to share that clip of us before the episode 18 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:14,080 comes out. So Laguna is the pop mermaid 19 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:15,400 Princess? Yeah. 20 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,560 Mermaid pop star. Mermaid pop star. 21 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:22,320 She is an incredible drag queen who sings and like the singing 22 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:27,200 is unmatched. She always packs out her shows 23 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:31,720 here on the cruises. She has an album out called 24 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,120 Under The. Underwater bubble. 25 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:37,040 Pop underwater bubble pops. So sorry you are also a New York 26 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:40,400 queen bopping around the city. Do you have any like regular 27 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,200 haunts are like regular nights that you host or do? 28 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:48,080 Yes, well I just got out of surgery so but before surgery I 29 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:51,240 was working at Hardware on Thursday nights and my home bar 30 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:55,280 is Hush Bar every Saturday at 10:00 PM with a show called H2 31 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:59,360 HO with castrata and hibiscus. And the surgery that she had was 32 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:05,840 made making her penis smaller exactly because she was killing 33 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,360 bitches in her lower back. It was like, it was like walking 34 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,320 around with one of those weights hanging from, you know, your 35 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,240 torso. Yeah, one time someone asked me, 36 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,920 look, you know, why do you pad your stomach? 37 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,680 And I said no, it's just my giant hog. 38 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,120 My my dingling, Yeah. Giant penis. 39 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,200 Wait, but really, you had surgery in your throat? 40 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,760 I did I had AI had in April of this year. 41 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,640 I closed out dragged the musical off Broadway, which was one of 42 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:30,920 the most amazing experiences ever. 43 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,080 But I also hemorrhaged, which means a blood vessel burst in my 44 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,680 throat in my vocal cords and your vocal cords are like the 45 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,120 size of 1/4. So and it and it didn't hurt or 46 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,400 anything. I just all of a sudden couldn't 47 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:41,840 sing. I was just like I was going. 48 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:43,480 To say, did you know the moment it happened? 49 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,720 I didn't know the moment it happened, but I think I realized 50 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,920 after the finale of it was we had four shows left and it was 51 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,600 we did the Saturday matinee and the Saturday matinee in between 52 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,560 shows. I couldn't sing. 53 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,200 I was like all of a sudden because I was the first person 54 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:59,640 on stage and I would go, wow, come and play. 55 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:05,160 And I literally I went, it was like no sound came out. 56 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,440 Like I was doing the action to make the noise, but no sound was 57 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,800 coming out. So it was very jarring. 58 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,720 Oh, that's so scary. And then a month later, I still 59 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,240 couldn't do it. So, and usually when you lose 60 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,520 your voice, it's because your, your voice is swollen and it 61 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,320 takes about a week, you know, you know, that's to kind of 62 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,280 recover from. That with vocal rest and you're 63 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:23,600 like, oh, this is something different. 64 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,160 Yeah, and if you're ever hoarse for more than a few weeks, then 65 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,760 it's time to go see your ENT. And I burst a blood vessel. 66 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,120 I I developed a cyst on that side. 67 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,360 And yeah, I dealt with it for all of last year. 68 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,680 It was pretty hard, but I had it removed. 69 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,080 It was a very successful surgery. 70 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:42,320 Did they let you keep it? You know, I have it on a little 71 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,280 pendant at home. No, I wish. 72 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:49,040 That'd be so that's very aerial coded, like Ursula having her 73 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,440 voice around her neck. Oh my God, it's good for me. 74 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,800 It's my like. My your enemy. 75 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,560 Yeah, my Little Dream crusher, you know. 76 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,040 Wow, is that a dream catcher? Dream crusher? 77 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,240 That's what I have you on my phone as my Little Dream 78 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,880 crusher. OK, so you also starred in Drag 79 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,760 the Musical Off Broadway with Nick Adams. 80 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:09,960 You've been on the pod before and who I met at the same time 81 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,800 as you. Yes, years ago on In Atlantis 82 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,840 cruise. Headlight Listen folks, if 83 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,600 you've never been to an Atlantis cruise, come. 84 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,600 It's, it's, it's truly, truly an experience to be experienced. 85 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,080 It really is. I, my advice would be we are 86 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,360 currently on the, it's called the January cruise. 87 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,320 It's happening in February as we speak next year it's going to be 88 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,440 in March. So the January cruise will be in 89 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:33,800 March, what they call the January cruise because it is 90 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,960 their biggest cruise. It is the biggest gay cruise. 91 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:42,640 And this, this one has about 5100 gay men aboard. 92 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,480 Yeah. Like what's this little floating 93 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,840 island of fags? Which is just so Fag island, fag 94 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:50,640 island. I, I honestly wish queer people 95 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:55,120 had a country that we could all live in because like, if this is 96 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:59,600 a microcosm of what that could be, it's been very like, like 97 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:04,160 loving and silly and helpful and horny. 98 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,680 Definitely been like, and I'm sure not everyone's having the 99 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,640 same experience as you and I because we are entertainers. 100 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,880 We get to like play and be seen and like meet people. 101 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,080 Have like a little like VIP access. 102 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,720 I know that I've sat at the Windjammer, which is the buffet, 103 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,640 yes, and had strangers sit down with me and I get to know some 104 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,320 stranger and it's like and. Then you take them home, or 105 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,000 sorry, and then you take them to your cabin. 106 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:29,280 And they stretch out my quarter sized vocal cords. 107 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:32,640 Hey. You know what's so funny? 108 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:36,400 On the last cruise I got my my quarter sized vocal cords 109 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,840 stretched for like an hour and a half. 110 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,320 Like throat fucked the night before a show. 111 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:42,520 Like I'd never had you. Before a show, have you? 112 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,480 Ever like, you know, put your like head. 113 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,080 On I hate it, I get dizzy. I have never done it before. 114 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,640 It was really hot. I was down. 115 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,960 I was down the clown, honey. But let me the next morning I 116 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,000 started like Harvey Weinstein. Bitch Harvey. 117 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:58,200 Firestein, yeah. Firestein And it was crazy. 118 00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,320 It was. Could you sing that night? 119 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,360 Honey, I had to sing that night and I was like, it was bad. 120 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,400 Wow. And of course my shows were 121 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,480 empty all week. Packed that packed packed. 122 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,240 No, that's. Not gonna happen tonight ladies 123 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:11,240 and gentlemen, guys, gals and non binary pals. 124 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,240 Yeah, I guess we'll check back in when this comes out in a week 125 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,480 or so. And see how the show went. 126 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:20,760 But the head off the bed, I acknowledge, is so hot looking 127 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:24,920 and in theory I cannot even ride roller coasters anymore 'cause 128 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,240 like, my equilibrium gets thrown and I like, get nauseous. 129 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:29,480 Really. Yeah. 130 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,760 Yeah, I used to be that way, but I'm not, you know, worse. 131 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,040 Damn. Just. 132 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:38,160 Kidding, damn, just kidding. I I I one time when we were 133 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:41,360 kids, I rode the have you there used to be this ride called like 134 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,360 space space. My God, my Invisalign space 135 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:48,360 mission. Earth on or Mars on at Epcot. 136 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,520 Have you ever been? Yeah, but not enough to know 137 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:54,120 that I'm not a nerd like that. Anyway, it's one for one. 138 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,680 It's but there was like a regular, there was like a normal 139 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,480 ride and then there was an extreme 1 and my fucking stupid 140 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:00,840 ass was like that's really extreme. 141 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,920 One me and my whole family, when I tell you we all stumbled off 142 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:06,680 that thing like almost vomiting white in the face. 143 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,520 We were my mom is like was Mexican. 144 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,360 Well wait, I'm Mexican. My mom had a beautiful tan and 145 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,080 that bitch, I've never seen her so pale green in my life. 146 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:15,640 Me colored. Yeah, Yeah. 147 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,880 Well. Mayonnaise called Lima. 148 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,320 Yeah, when you take the skin off and you're reptilian, green 149 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:21,080 comes through. Yeah. 150 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:27,560 OK so I hope my audience know this is also so funny. 151 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:32,840 I had one listener say this person is horrible at 152 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:35,120 introducing their guests. I always have to do so much 153 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,240 research on my own to figure out who he's talking. 154 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,880 Hi everybody, my name is Laguna Blue. 155 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:44,040 Yeah, you can find me on Instagram at LAGOONA BL0 0NYC 156 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,920 NYC. Imagine you speak whale. 157 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,680 Yeah, I make music. I sing songs. 158 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,480 I write. I write books. 159 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,880 Can you believe I'm a publisher? That's so crazy. 160 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,720 That is crazy. It is insane because I'm like, 161 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,360 so bad with words unless I'm writing them to la, la, la. 162 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,240 You know what I mean? Yeah. 163 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,800 No, I obviously you're not. No thanks. 164 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,720 OK, so let's dive in then. Let's get into this. 165 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,480 Let's go back to the beginning. Do you remember the first 166 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:14,600 influences of sex in your life? Or the first thing that made you 167 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,200 horny, or made your coochie Jingle, or that made you go. 168 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,280 Hmm. I mean, I remember, I think, 169 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:23,760 honestly, Britney Spears. In a way. 170 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,760 I remember watching the I'm a slave for you video and just 171 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,960 like wanting, like wanting to like be her and do what she was 172 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:34,840 doing, but like not really knowing what why or what it felt 173 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:38,600 like or what it meant. And I also knew that like I I 174 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,840 knew that like boys made me nervous. 175 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,120 Yes, like girls didn't. I didn't give a fuck. 176 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,760 I was like the girls, I don't care, but boys I was like, huh. 177 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,480 But then, yeah, there was something about just like the 178 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,400 sexuality of Britney Spears in general where all of my friends 179 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:55,520 really wanted to like, and like I remember like in the 4th 180 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,240 grade, they were like, oh, I want to kiss Britney Spears. 181 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,320 And I remember being like, I want to be Britney Spears. 182 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,200 So, and I know that's not very like vulgar, but that, you know, 183 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:07,680 and that year also too, it was like, I get, I think that's when 184 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,000 I I switched schools and like, moved. 185 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,760 It was in the 4th grade, really. And I'll never forget Colby 186 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,400 Scheib. I don't know if you're even here 187 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,360 in Wesley Coronolino. They were kind of like my friend 188 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,360 bullies in 4th grade. And they were like, we went to 189 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:23,160 pussyland.com last night and I was like, what is that? 190 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,640 So that's the first when I realized I was like, huh? 191 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,080 Pussyland.com. Yeah, that's what they said. 192 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:31,800 Yeah. I don't know if that's even 193 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,280 real, but that's what they said to me. 194 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,360 I'll never forget that. I guarantee it's real. 195 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:40,200 Yeah. OK, so then do you remember your 196 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:45,920 first like orgasm? Yeah, yes, I remember being 197 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,080 terrified because I was like, I'm going to pee. 198 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,480 I'm peeing. Oh my God, it's come get a pee. 199 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,120 Oh fuck, I can't. I'm gonna pee on myself. 200 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:53,160 I'm peeing. I'm peeing. 201 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,880 You know, that's why, that's why I remember happening. 202 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,040 I was like, oh God, I can't pee. I'm peeing everywhere. 203 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,000 Oh, fuck. And then I was like, am I sick? 204 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,240 Am I sick? I'm sick, I'm sick. 205 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,520 Why is it white? Oh God. 206 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,040 Oh, what is going on? What's happening? 207 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,040 I'm peeing and it's white. It is very that. 208 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:11,120 So to be clear, it sounds like you had no like no one had told 209 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,400 you what was happening. Right. 210 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,080 No. Not like friends hadn't been 211 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,360 like I, I. Well, it was with a, it was with 212 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,120 a friend. That's why I was scared. 213 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,240 Yeah, because I was like, with a friend. 214 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:23,320 Girl. A girl. 215 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:24,920 Yeah. OK. 216 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:26,520 And I was, well, listen, I'm from the South. 217 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:27,520 I can't believe I'm saying all this. 218 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,080 It makes me feel like, but I'm from the South, OK. 219 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,440 So like this bitch, she's a lesbian now, thank God. 220 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,600 But she invited me over. She's like, let's do homework. 221 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,040 And literally she had like, we got there. 222 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,240 She had porn on the computer. And I was like, yeah. 223 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,160 And so she was like, let's see what we're doing, what they're 224 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,000 doing. And I was like. 225 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,160 Oh my God. But I was like, Oh my God. 226 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,520 Something's happening. Yeah. 227 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,840 And so I mean, yeah, she, I and I remember I was like, I got to 228 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,840 meet and I like, ran to the bathroom and I was like, I don't 229 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,320 know what's happening wrong with everybody. 230 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,320 I don't know what's everybody up being, up being up being. 231 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,040 And I was like, yeah, it was kind of that. 232 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,560 Was it basically hands free? Yeah, it was, yeah. 233 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,680 Wow. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, 234 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,000 wait. I know I. 235 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,600 Feel like were you did you know you were attracted to you said 236 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:13,600 you were nervous around boys did you know you were attracted to 237 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,000 boys and was it like seeing. Like, because I remember she 238 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,160 asked to, like, see my penis and it didn't, like, make me nervous 239 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:19,560 at all. So I was like, OK, whatever. 240 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,480 And then she touched it and I was like, OK, And then she put 241 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,680 yeah, she went on it. And I was like, oh, wow. 242 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:27,960 I was like, whoa, whoa, you know? 243 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,160 And she's a lesbian now, yeah. Wow, isn't that cool? 244 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:36,240 But OK, to go back to the question, did you, were you 245 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,480 attracted to boys? Yes, definitely. 246 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,160 OK, OK. Because I remember thinking, 247 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,240 wow, I wish. I wish this was with a boy. 248 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,600 Yeah. Yeah, I remember. 249 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,680 OK, so you're freaking out. You've had this orgasm, you 250 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,280 don't know what it is. You think you're sick? 251 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:54,920 I'm literally like, Miss, I'm like Miss Johnson, can you call 252 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,840 my dad to come pick me up? You know, like that was my 253 00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,280 immediate. My penis is leaking. 254 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,360 Yeah, well, it was very. And that's the other thing too. 255 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,840 It was like her, her Grant, you know, like, you know how like 256 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:08,200 some people in a move in a sitcom or a in a, or in a, in a 257 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,120 series, like there's a grandma that sits in the living room, 258 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:13,600 doesn't leave the chair and our door is open and we're down the 259 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,040 hall. But we're doing bad things and 260 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:15,640 it doesn't. Matter. 261 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,440 Or she's not going to get up from that couch. 262 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:18,960 Totally was very that. Yep. 263 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,760 We all, I mean, I, I had that in different ways. 264 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:27,080 I I would agree. But OK, so how did how did you 265 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,520 ultimately? I'm touching you again. 266 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:29,040 I'm sorry. Touch. 267 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:33,760 You how did you ultimately talk yourself off the I'm sick like 268 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,400 space out of I'm. Certainly wasn't gonna tell 269 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:41,480 anyone about it, OK, you know. But then did you say like, did 270 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:42,440 you walk? I just started. 271 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,840 That felt good. Yeah, and so you do it again. 272 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,080 I well, then I was like, can I do that by myself? 273 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,240 And then I was like, holy shit, I can do this by myself. 274 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,480 And that's when I started like I think my first experience was 275 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:58,800 with porn was when I, it was when I there was this book at 276 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,680 like Barnes and Nobles called like Titan men. 277 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,560 And it was in the art section of the book and it was previously 278 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,120 unwrapped. It was wrapped, but for some 279 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,560 reason it was like open, like someone had opened it and it was 280 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:11,400 literally like naked men with heart. 281 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,480 It was like a kind of like softcore porn. 282 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,800 I mean they were like, or actually it was hardcore like 283 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,240 some images of where them were of them. 284 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,200 Fucking really? Yes, yeah. 285 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,960 Or it was like books-a-million or something. 286 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,560 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I literally, I was like a 287 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,920 heavier set. I was like 70th, 7th or 8th 288 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:28,920 grade. And I would wear these like 289 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,120 really big sweaters and like cargo pants. 290 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:36,000 And I literally ripped out every, I ripped out the, the, 291 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:40,320 the pages from the binder of it and like ripped like the pages 292 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,560 apart and like put them in each pocket of the And that was like 293 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,520 my first like I just had this like. 294 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,440 Like straight up at the shelf in the aisle, yeah. 295 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,480 Like because it was in the back, it was like far, far, far in the 296 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:51,880 back. Wow. 297 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:56,280 So I literally was like like just little by little and I was 298 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:58,000 a lot heavier set. So like. 299 00:13:58,400 --> 00:13:58,920 No one. Really. 300 00:13:58,920 --> 00:13:59,480 No one. Really. 301 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,880 And I was, yeah, I was like the like fat white boy in the in the 302 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,760 back, like the going to the art supplies. 303 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:06,800 And that was my first experience. 304 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,720 And so I, and then I kept them hidden and I would like hide in 305 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,320 the bathroom or hide in my room and just like lock the door and 306 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:13,800 like spread them out and be like. 307 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:19,880 Wow, even though you had Internet, was Internet dicey? 308 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,200 Internet was dicey because my dad worked on the computer a 309 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:22,640 lot. Yeah. 310 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,920 And it was like the one computer we had and like, yeah, it was 311 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,400 just. And if Even so, at the time, it 312 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,600 was like, videos weren't really a thing yet. 313 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,480 So anything I found was like. Download an image. 314 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,400 Yeah. And sometimes it took like 5 315 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,080 minutes, yeah. Or I would what I would do is I 316 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,240 would like print them out. Sure. 317 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,040 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would. 318 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,240 Print them out and keep them in that like binder your library. 319 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,560 Then I will never forget when Limewire happened and I got when 320 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,480 Limewire happened and I could. I mean, Limewire was crazy. 321 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,360 Limewire was insane but you that was not know fully what you were 322 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:57,000 downloading so you could get like a corrupted file or. 323 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,480 I ruined our computer. Let's. 324 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,080 Oh yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure A. 100% ruined it. 325 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:08,240 OK so 7th or 8th grade you're you're hunter gatherer of porn. 326 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,160 And it kind of just stays like that, to be honest. 327 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,920 I was so in the closet and I didn't have anyone to like 328 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,760 experiment with. And I was just like. 329 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,160 What was your perception of gay people at this? 330 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,080 Time you're going to hell really. 331 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,680 Oh, yeah, that's how that was. Why that's Well, yeah. 332 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,400 Because I was like, I was so embarrassed because I was like, 333 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:28,640 something's wrong with me. So alongside this, like that's 334 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:32,400 why I was so I mean, it was beyond like not only sex being 335 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,760 taboo for an evangelical Christian to be gay if like not 336 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,640 an option. It was just like not an option 337 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,280 for me. So I was just like something 338 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:43,240 crying with me. I'm I'm going to like, you know, 339 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,000 and I just wanted it to go away. And after every I would I would 340 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,800 remember like jerking off and then feeling so bad about it. 341 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,240 Like even just jerking off. Oh yeah, or peas. 342 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:54,080 You were thinking of boys jerking off and drunk or. 343 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,240 Or no, just like the the photo. Yeah, like the IT would be 344 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,600 horrible. It was like, it was like this 345 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,400 constant. I felt like I was, you know, 346 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,720 crazy. So I really kept a secret and 347 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,440 really didn't. And I ate the fuck out of my 348 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,400 feelings, bro. I like it from in in high school 349 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,240 I gained like 100 lbs. Really to? 350 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,760 Years, yes, because I was like. What were you like socially like 351 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,680 what was your high school? I was a class clown. 352 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,840 I was like really bullied but really talented and like I would 353 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,240 make friends with the popular girls. 354 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,840 So, like me, like bullies. Like don't be mean to him. 355 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:24,760 Right. Like we left it. 356 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,320 Yeah, I was very that. So they and I, you know, 357 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,920 honestly, I kind of feel like I'm a I'm a girl's gay. 358 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,480 You know how they're gays, gays and girls gay? 359 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,440 I think I'm a girl's gay because they've always like stuck up for 360 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:38,680 me. A lot of my best friends are 361 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,200 girls. I hate to bring it to you. 362 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,920 You're both. Am I? 363 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,840 Yeah. Because you're so open. 364 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,920 I mean, even in just my experience with you, you're so 365 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,640 kind and open. Yeah, I don't ever catch you 366 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,160 like side eyeing me or like, you know what I mean? 367 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,760 Like being suspicious of gays in the room. 368 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,440 But I understand that if you like, if you. 369 00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:00,520 Obviously there are dog people, cat people and people who do 370 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,000 both. But I get that. 371 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:07,200 I'm saying girls were obviously the first people we came out to, 372 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,880 the people who kept our secrets. Oh, I didn't. 373 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:09,880 Come out. So I was 21. 374 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,000 Really. They hid it. 375 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,960 OK, so then did you have any sexual experiences between first 376 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,040 experience 8th grade and graduating high school or 377 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,560 whatever? No, not really. 378 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,920 Wow. I mean, like, like outside of 379 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:31,800 like, I don't know, like my first experience with a boy was 380 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:36,480 with my LOLL Traumatic. Actually, it's not traumatic at 381 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:37,840 all. It's kind of hot. 382 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:42,200 I was a fry cook at my job. Sonic. 383 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,440 He's Sork at Sonic. My God and this. 384 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,800 Guy used to call me a faggot and pimp on me in front of. 385 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,480 Everyone another employee. Another yeah, employee, his name 386 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:53,840 was, oh, I can't say his name. And like he would pick on me and 387 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,320 everyone was like, stop picking on him. 388 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,400 He's like, you know, whatever. But he was flirting. 389 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,480 Mad flirting. No he wasn't like what happened 390 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,320 was he would pick on me in public and then he asked for my 391 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,640 phone number to like hang and I was like what OK And bitch 392 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,120 started like sending me all these racy texts like you should 393 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,640 come hang out blah blah. So I go over to this boy's house 394 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,480 and I had never kissed the boy. Is he cute? 395 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,800 The people in her, I thought. He was really cute, OK, He was 396 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,200 like a little shorter than me, curly black. 397 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:22,600 He he was kind of like he, he was like literally, I mean, I 398 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,880 think this is kind of why I have a thing for like trailer trash. 399 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:30,080 Like he had this like thick Coon ass accent tattoos, smoked 400 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,800 cigarettes. He was like, I was 18. 401 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,200 I think he was like 20, you know, and you know, he worked at 402 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,680 Sonic and was kind of like mean to me, but like all of a sudden 403 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,480 was being really nice and I was like, what the fuck? 404 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,840 And then we go to his room and we like make out and hook up and 405 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,360 like, this is the first time I have a Dick in my mouth. 406 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,960 This is the first time I have like I'm making out with a man. 407 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,320 I remember like and I was just like. 408 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,360 Does he live alone? He lived with his. 409 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,280 Mom, but his mom was like working. 410 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,200 So I literally got there at like 11 and I leave till like like 411 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,880 we, we were basically like. 11:00 PM or 11 AMI? 412 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,760 Got there at like 11:00 AM and then like left at like 4. 413 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,560 Wow. All day. 414 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:11,320 So it was like, wait, was this like felt like fireworks? 415 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,320 Yeah, I was like freaking the fuck out. 416 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,600 Wow. And then, And then he got. 417 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:19,120 Really mean to me at work. It was kind of like he was I 418 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,280 feel like I mean obviously we were both kind of like ashamed, 419 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:25,040 you know obviously had our own shames about it, but he all of a 420 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,960 sudden was like. But then he still asked me to 421 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:32,560 hang out so obviously I would go back and mind you I'm like 300 422 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,160 lbs at the time. Okay, so like you, I'm not only 423 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:39,200 am I like out of like place in my body, but also just like I 424 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,600 have never felt like a sexual being and like people would 425 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,000 people look at you different when you're when you're 426 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,040 overweight, especially, you know, even on this boat being 427 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,640 the size that I am now, like I'm beautiful. 428 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:51,360 I know, but I'm like, you know, when you people just treat you. 429 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,120 Different. I hear you. 430 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:56,720 And so like, I had just never felt that like anyone would ever 431 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:00,280 be interested in me in that way. So when he was and he was a lot 432 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,720 smaller than me and a lot like, and I, I again, I'd always 433 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,560 thought he was really cute. So it's just very like. 434 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:09,200 Whoa, yeah. Okay, in those five hours that 435 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,440 you're hanging out together, is he being like a different 436 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,400 person? Is he being like sweet? 437 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:19,200 Is he telling you things like, yeah, I mean, quiet I. 438 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,080 Know it was really quiet. It was a lot of silence and just 439 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,240 like a lot of physical very little talking. 440 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,920 It was very. But five, I mean. 441 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,200 I mean, we were, yeah. It's a long time. 442 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,240 Yeah, it was crazy. My brain chemistry would be 443 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,440 irreputably changed. Yeah, I mean, it was I was like 444 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:40,720 we I was like and not like linked on it, but I have I have 445 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,000 ADHD didn't know at the time, but I was like, you know, and I 446 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,800 thought about it a lot, you know, and like and it was it was 447 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,360 weird. And when it had any time it 448 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:52,800 happened, it felt like, I don't know, it felt very out of mind. 449 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,320 It also was always on his terms. It was never on mine, of course. 450 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,640 So it was just like very like, you know? 451 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:01,120 Did you ultimately feel OK? So can you tell us how long it 452 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:05,080 lasted and how it ended? I would say it went on for like, 453 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,520 probably, like, for as long as we were working at Sonic. 454 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,600 OK. And it stopped when he started 455 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:10,960 dating someone else. A girl? 456 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,440 Yeah, he started dating a girl. Who also worked at Sonic. 457 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,880 Yes, wow. And then we all found out he was 458 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,520 gay. Wait, really? 459 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:21,400 Yeah. In what way? 460 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,440 Yeah, he ran. He like, left. 461 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,360 He ran away from home with like an older man. 462 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,400 Oh my God, and. Everyone was fucking gag. 463 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,640 He like left. He left this, this girl. 464 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,240 And it was crazy. Yeah. 465 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:37,440 And I'm on the side being like, and you used to suck my Dick. 466 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:39,840 Did you, did you come clean about that? 467 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:40,400 When? No. 468 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,080 Oh yeah, you didn't come out till 21. 469 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,960 Why not? Yeah, I would never admit that. 470 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,720 And also like I I was, she was my friend. 471 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,800 And also like he, when they started dating, he stopped like 472 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,400 talking to me, obviously. Well, that's good, but like. 473 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:59,160 It was just weird being like, you know, this other side. 474 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,400 You know what happened. We had like, we hooked up a few 475 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,120 times and then he quit his job, but he started dating Amy. 476 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,160 Oh, I can bleep it out. That's fine. 477 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,160 She's. I mean, it's also like, not a 478 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,280 last name. Thank God. 479 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:14,800 Yeah. OK, so are you devastated when 480 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,760 he when it ends or? Yeah. 481 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,840 I mean, I also I have to, you have to remember I was like 482 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:25,240 really like not as like a hyper sexual like mind, but like not. 483 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,080 Acting on it. Right, right. 484 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:31,200 So I was like, I would like, OK, it's going to happen for me once 485 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:32,440 a year. I'm going to have like really or 486 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,520 like however many times a year. I was just very, I was so young 487 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:39,200 and like so like felt so do I need to wet this? 488 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,400 Conservative. Yeah, you're totally great. 489 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,720 That's right. You had conservative goals for 490 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,920 your sex life. I was just like, this is not a 491 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,240 thing that is tangible to me because I am ugly. 492 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:54,000 So yeah, I mean, it's just like it's the mind, the mentality 493 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,320 that I was raised in. It's like, you're fat, you're 494 00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:58,440 ugly. No one's gonna love you because 495 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,800 you look like this. That was kind of like the the 496 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,480 reality that I grew up in. And that was coming from 497 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:07,320 parents, Yeah. And do you know looking back 498 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:12,000 now, like why, like is there any clarity on like why they spoke 499 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,600 to you like that? Well, my mom, my mom was a 500 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:18,880 narcissist and she, well, she, I mean, we're all products of 501 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:23,320 what, how we were raised, right? So my mom was like, and now my 502 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,560 grandma is still alive, but my, I lost my mom to cancer in 2014 503 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,840 and she, she said to me, she was like, wow, I fucked up with you. 504 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,000 I really, she was like, I, I crushed you. 505 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:34,880 I destroyed you. I tried to make you some 506 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,000 something that you never were. And like, I know you. 507 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,840 I know you since I held you that you were different and like, I 508 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:42,520 crushed you. I destroyed you and I'm. 509 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,000 Sorry, I'm going to cry. It was like really a beautiful 510 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,760 thing, but it didn't mean that I but it's still, I still have to 511 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,960 go back and like fix. Oh my God, of course. 512 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,880 But I mean, obviously it's, it's, you know, it's very nice 513 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,200 to have that sort of resolution with a parent who's hurt you, 514 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,280 obviously. Was that her like on her 515 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,440 deathbed quote? Yeah, we, because I literally 516 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:07,280 was like, you know, she, she it was like all of a sudden, all of 517 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,600 a sudden I had a good mom. She got sick and then she was 518 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,440 like, fuck, Oh my God, I messed up. 519 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,560 She had six months left. And then we became best friends 520 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,960 and I was like what the fuck? Oh my God. 521 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,920 Like classic thing where like yeah, near death thing near 522 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:22,880 death. And honestly, here's The thing 523 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,200 is like, I don't know if she would have. 524 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,240 I don't know if she would see me if she was here. 525 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,800 So like there's a lot of like I've had to work through a lot 526 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:34,960 of like what ifs, not what ifs, but also like they're both my 527 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,800 parents are gone and I have a lot of peace about it because 528 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,880 they were, they were really hard on us and they, they really, 529 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,080 they really molded me to hate myself and I've had to like 530 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,360 forgive them and like move on and figure out how to love my, 531 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:48,880 I've had to like re parent myself. 532 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,720 But I also look back and I'm like, you did your best. 533 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,480 You were scared for me, like not making excuses, but like to 534 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,960 understand where you're coming from and also to to have a root 535 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:03,760 of like in the end, my mom saw and she and I got that like 536 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,680 apology from her that like sort of that's very peaceful to know, 537 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:12,520 but but yeah, so. Can I ask how things ended with 538 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:18,280 your dad? So my dad and I, I, I, I don't 539 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,760 know, I don't know how things ended. 540 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:21,840 I wasn't talking to him when he passed. 541 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:27,360 So it was like it was interesting because my dad was 542 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:31,240 by post schizophrenic and he was really abusive growing up. 543 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:35,080 So like we he was always accusing me of like trying to 544 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,680 kill him. And I know that sounds like 545 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,200 scary or like fake or like a whore, but it's just very that 546 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,240 was my reality. Like since I was 12 my dad has 547 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,240 accused me of like trying to hurt him. 548 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:45,640 Sure, because he's. Yeah. 549 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,440 And it was just like, my mom was the only person that kept him at 550 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:50,680 Bay. My mom would be like, are you 551 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:52,040 fucking nuts? I'm going to leave you and 552 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:52,960 you're going to pay for everything. 553 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:56,640 Like, what are you crazy? And then my mom dies and he kind 554 00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:01,720 of like cracks, you know, and he like, he kind of loses grip with 555 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,080 reality and like. Did he ever seek out like, 556 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,800 mental health? He was. 557 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,920 I mean, he was raw dogging it. Yeah, I mean, he was you. 558 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,880 We tried to be like, Dad, you're sick and he's like, fuck you, 559 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,200 you're crazy, you're trying to kill me, you know. 560 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,280 But he was like a provider and he kept it at my mom. 561 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,280 It was so weird. It was like, I don't know how 562 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,080 they like kept it together, but they did. 563 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:28,960 And my, the last time that I, my dad was like, you killed mom. 564 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,360 He was like. It's your fault. 565 00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:33,840 You gave her cancer, you poisoned her, you made her sick. 566 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:36,840 You're a liar. You're like the spawn of and 567 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,480 this is. 12 years ago, so you were still very young. 568 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,000 Oh, I was, I was 21 when this. Yeah. 569 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:50,440 And he was like, you're a liar. You've lied to me your entire 570 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:51,640 life. And I was like, the only thing 571 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,360 I've ever lied to you about is that I'm a faggot. 572 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,000 I'm gay. And he was like, get the fuck 573 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,040 out of the house. But then what's crazy is like, 574 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,240 we had, he was obviously in the middle of an episode. 575 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,360 And so I moved out of the house immediately after that. 576 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:08,640 And that year moved to New York. But I remember coming home once 577 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:11,000 or twice and we talked about me being gay. 578 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,080 And he was like, look, man, because he was just like, 579 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:14,920 really? You don't, You don't like look 580 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,400 at a pair of tits and just get so healthy. 581 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,240 And I was like, no. Unless I'm wearing them honey, 582 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:24,560 right? And he was like, well, that's 583 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,040 all right, cool, whatever, you know. 584 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:30,000 So he had like never his. He was, he was so cool before my 585 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,960 dad got sick. He was like, really great. 586 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,400 Wow, he. Was a great dad like it was so 587 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,840 fun always taking us on adventures like we didn't have a 588 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,880 lot of money, but he like made things so fun for us like he 589 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,640 built, he built us playgrounds and pools and like took us on 590 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:45,240 camping trips and like fishing trips and like all this fun 591 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:49,600 stuff and like then he like it just like it was a switch. 592 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:54,200 It was like really crazy. So me and my dad got into it in 593 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,080 2018 and I, like, never went home again. 594 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,480 And then I woke up to a phone call from my sister and he was, 595 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:03,840 she was gone. So it was like, it was weird. 596 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:07,280 I'd like, I I was so mad at him because I was like, you're a 597 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:09,440 piece of shit. Like, I don't, I want a regular 598 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,080 dad. Yeah, everyone has regular dads 599 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:13,120 except me. Like why? 600 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:15,040 And that was the thing. It's like, that was not the hard 601 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:18,400 thing for me growing up. It's like when you grow up in a 602 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:21,400 lot in a, in a with a lot of trauma, you think that everyone 603 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,000 experiences that you think it's a very common experience. 604 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,240 And then you start, I remember in high school I started 605 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:29,160 realizing, Oh my God, like your mom doesn't. 606 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,640 I just remember being like, oh, like your parents don't freak 607 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:34,280 out or like, Oh, your mom isn't yelling at you to. 608 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:38,960 Can I tell you I had this moment when TikTok started and I'd see 609 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:43,520 Tik toks of families doing like a game night and like laughing 610 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,160 and being like kind to each other. 611 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:49,680 I thought they were faking it. I was like, this is they're like 612 00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:53,320 actors, right? I'll never forget being like, Oh 613 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:55,800 my God. Yeah, there are families who, 614 00:28:55,800 --> 00:29:00,320 like, operate as a whole and like, love and jab and support 615 00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:03,600 each other and like, are silly. Yeah and have yeah, have fun, 616 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,880 yeah. And like, oh you, oh y'all, 617 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:10,520 y'all, y'all get presents like oh y'all like Julie, y'all like 618 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:12,160 you. Have traditions and like, you 619 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:15,600 have these little things like dad's in the recliner, moms, you 620 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:17,440 know, pulling cinnamon rolls out of the oven. 621 00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:20,480 You love being with your. Parents, Oh my God, what do you? 622 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:21,880 Mean, like, your mom's your best friend. 623 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,400 What? That didn't happen until she was 624 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:26,120 like dying And then like, yeah, it was just weird. 625 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,120 Yeah, OK. So it was. 626 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:30,800 Yeah. So life was. 627 00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:34,600 Sorry to take that before. About it makes it it. 628 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,160 Comfortable, it informs. Yeah. 629 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:39,280 So now you're in New York? Yes. 630 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:43,680 Did you always want to do drag? No, not at all. 631 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:45,400 Did you? But you're a musical theatre. 632 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,720 I was a musical theatre. I had moved in. 633 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:54,400 I moved to, yeah, I literally moved to New York to do theatre. 634 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:57,640 I was doing, I was playing Farkwod and Trek the Musical at 635 00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:02,440 Fort Peck Summer Theatre. And my friend Austin called me 636 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,760 and he was like, hey, I'm doing a cruise contract and I need 637 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:07,120 someone to, like, sublet my room. 638 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:09,120 Do you want it? And I was like, I can't move to 639 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:10,000 New York. I don't have money. 640 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,360 This is like, I had just gotten into a big fight with my dad. 641 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,400 I just moved out. Like, I had nowhere to go. 642 00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:19,120 Like, I moved to my grandmother's house and then 643 00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:20,880 immediately went out on contract. 644 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:24,800 So I was, I just didn't have anywhere to go. 645 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:26,880 Yeah. And and I was like, but I, I 646 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,160 thought I was just gonna like move somewhere in Louisiana. 647 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:30,360 I had no idea. Like New York. 648 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:32,120 I was like, me New York, if you don't move to New York. 649 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:35,160 And he was like David, just like, take it, it's six months. 650 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,560 You can kind of figure it out. It's just 600 a month. 651 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:39,360 Wow. And I was like, what? 652 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:41,280 I was like, I don't. Know I I mean 600 a month sounds 653 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:43,920 like so much when you're when. You're like when you had when? 654 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,760 I mean, I had like, what, $1000 to my name at the time. 655 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:48,400 So I was like, what? That's like all the money I 656 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:49,920 have, you know? In one month. 657 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:52,880 In one month, yeah. That's so. 658 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:55,360 But I did. And they would, my God. 659 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:59,200 And it was the best thing ever. And I went to go to theater and 660 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,120 I was, yeah. And that's what. 661 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:06,720 And I immediately got a job as serving tables and doing whatnot 662 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,400 and. Looking back, is that one of the 663 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:12,840 scariest but most important decisions you ever made? 664 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:15,960 Definitely changed my life. I would like and I'm like, I 665 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:17,960 feel so fortunate that I. Isn't it crazy? 666 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,680 I think there's a version of you that never left. 667 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:22,160 Oh my God, Louisiana. Can you imagine it? 668 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,240 But see, I bet you he's happy in a different way. 669 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,920 That you do OK. Oh yeah, He's like, he's the 670 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:29,320 star. He's like the star of some like 671 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:32,360 community theater. He is probably, he's probably 672 00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:35,200 making way more money and he's probably married, but he's not 673 00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:37,200 like following his dream. OK. 674 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:39,080 I bet you he's happy in a different way. 675 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:40,240 Respect. Yeah. 676 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,320 OK, so you're in New York. What's your sex life like? 677 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:45,800 Like are you being at the? Time when I moved to New York. 678 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:46,840 I was dating someone at the time. 679 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:48,760 OK, wait, you missed something then. 680 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,440 A Louisiana boy. Yeah, no, actually. 681 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:56,360 So I met him like literally my best friend at the time was on a 682 00:31:56,360 --> 00:32:03,440 cruise contract with the one that you subletted from similar, 683 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:08,480 but not the same person, but like in the same friend group. 684 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:12,760 OK, so my friend Tay was in, yeah, she was doing this like 685 00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,040 fucking celebrity group, whatever. 686 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:16,080 And she met this, or I think she was actually, I think it was 687 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:17,200 Royal Caribbean. Wow. 688 00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:23,760 And she he, she was best friends with this dancer on board. 689 00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:28,800 And the dancer was like, who's that friend that you're talking 690 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:29,760 to? He's so cute. 691 00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:34,160 And so then we started talking and it was like long distance. 692 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:36,280 And then like when he got off the contract, we like flew to 693 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:40,560 see each other and like kind of just like fell in love and we 694 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,480 started doing like long distance and it was like really toxic and 695 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:45,920 really stupid, but like we. Were where was his home base? 696 00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:48,680 I'm sorry. He he was in DC He was like in 697 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:50,560 Maryland. So then when I was like, how are 698 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:52,800 we going to do this? I'm in Louisiana, you're in DC 699 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,120 And then I get this call to be like, come move to New York. 700 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:56,920 Guess what? And I was like, whoa, this is 701 00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:58,600 perfect. New York is DC close. 702 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:00,200 You can finish school. It was like, yeah, so it was 703 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,440 kind of like that. And that was some of the best 704 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,720 sex of my life, really, 100%. Tell us about it and is this the 705 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:09,240 first person you had anal with or did you have it with Sonic? 706 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,040 No, I tried to have anal with Sonic, but like I didn't know 707 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:14,520 what I was doing. We both didn't know what we were 708 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:15,880 doing. So we both, you know, painted 709 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:17,120 each other. So it was just like not. 710 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:21,120 Cute. Yeah, a Coney or whatever. 711 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,600 What's the chili cheese? Yeah, exactly honey. 712 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:25,400 Well, he was like a three inch Coney. 713 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,840 I was a foot long so. Was he a three inch? 714 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,680 Oh, it was the tiniest little like thumb of a penis. 715 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,320 But you were so excited. I mean, it was. 716 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:33,400 He loved it. He likes me. 717 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:38,360 He really likes me, yeah. OK, so best sex you've ever had? 718 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:42,240 Tell us about Do you think any part of that is because it was 719 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:44,080 like the first relationship? Oh, yeah. 720 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:45,280 I mean I. Was in love with him. 721 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:48,800 I mean, I was just so in love with him and like we we're also, 722 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:51,240 we both discovered later that we're on the spectrum and neuro 723 00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:53,280 spicy. So I was like, oh, no wonder we 724 00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:55,880 like we had a lot of sex and we were also long distance. 725 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:58,680 So it was like every time we saw each other, it was just like 726 00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:02,200 like, oh, sorry, I was really, but just like really intense, 727 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:06,440 passionate, like so excited, so excited to see you fucking, you 728 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:10,360 know, just so it was like was. He also not all about not into 729 00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:13,040 like casual sex or like hookups. Yeah, we were, we were 730 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:14,800 monogamous. Although now looking back, I 731 00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:17,080 was, I realized that like the only reason I was monogamous was 732 00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:19,840 because I was so insecure and he wanted to explore being open and 733 00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:22,600 it was really hard for me. But now it's no, it's very 734 00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:24,600 different. I wouldn't be that way anymore, 735 00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:29,280 but I just was like, I'm kind of territorial and I just was like 736 00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:32,040 didn't want to share. And he was like way, he's way. 737 00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:34,520 All right at the time was just like, Oh my God, you're like so 738 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,520 much hotter than me. And he was like, he's a dancer. 739 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,440 I had a dancer body. Like he was just like more 740 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:43,960 conventionally attractive than I was or am or, or thought I was 741 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:46,360 in my head. So it was just like kind of a 742 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:50,199 mind, yeah. You know, also, it sounds like 743 00:34:50,199 --> 00:34:54,080 you grew up in what I would call like an unstable home. 744 00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:59,680 So when you're getting to pick a partner, you need a stability 745 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:04,640 thing where you're not wondering what they're doing or thinking 746 00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:07,240 or feeling. Exactly because I spent so much 747 00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:11,040 time at home, like hyper vigilant, like are you going to 748 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:12,160 hit me today? Are you mad? 749 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,400 Did I who? What are you going to accuse me 750 00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:16,480 of today? You know, like what are, you 751 00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:20,360 know, Yeah. That's heartbreaking. 752 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:25,120 So you had but you had to go back to the the silver lining. 753 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,680 We've we're now at your great best sex or some of your yeah, 754 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:29,560 it's. Really, it's really, I mean he's 755 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:33,120 the first one I we played like, I mean, I like we just explored. 756 00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:35,320 I mean, we were young and we explored with each other. 757 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:38,600 Like we explored a lot of kinks. We you know, I like I tied him 758 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:41,280 up. We did like dirty talk like sub 759 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:45,520 Dom play toys, video, a lot of video sex. 760 00:35:46,240 --> 00:35:48,640 Because you're a long distance. Yeah, which is kind of not like 761 00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:51,440 a kink for me now, but I'm really into. 762 00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:56,440 Getting a video. Yeah, and role-playing the video 763 00:35:56,440 --> 00:36:00,040 as well is really hot for me. Wait, and is this a FaceTime 764 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,360 call or is it like sending videos back and forth? 765 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:05,480 This is a lot of FaceTime and a few videos back and forth. 766 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,160 Yeah. And I'm, yeah, actually, yeah, 767 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:10,920 we did video a lot. I did videoing to know. 768 00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,640 I do, obviously I. Shouldn't say that publicly. 769 00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:16,440 My God I hate videoing none of that on the Internet. 770 00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:23,360 Once you do, once you do Drag race or whatever thing launches 771 00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:26,200 you. If I ever get on Drag Race, my 772 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:28,240 giant penis is going to be on the Internet. 773 00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:29,400 And you know what? It's OK. 774 00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:31,040 Let it fly because. It's a big one. 775 00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:32,920 It's pretty. It's pretty. 776 00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:34,440 You'll love it. Can confirm. 777 00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:37,760 Can you imagine you can you add a Ding Ding? 778 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:43,040 OK, so ultimately, even though you're just New York and DCI say 779 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:45,520 it like I wouldn't break up with someone from being across town 780 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:50,880 in LA, you're closer than ever, but it is like fizzling or it's 781 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:54,160 like coming to a head. It I, well, we just started 782 00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:57,920 wanting different things like we like we and we, we broke up and 783 00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,840 got together like countless times, right? 784 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:04,080 So it started, it ended up being like, you know, you're going to 785 00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:06,040 move here, right? You're going to like, it always 786 00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:07,920 been like we're going to end up together in the same place. 787 00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:09,840 And then it ended up being we didn't want to be in the same 788 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:13,160 place. And then, but I was like, so 789 00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:16,200 gung ho and like getting winning him back, 'cause the last, the 790 00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:19,480 last breakup we or the second to last breakup, like he was like, 791 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,160 fuck you, I'm over it. And I was like, and then once I 792 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:24,320 got it back, I was like, wait, this actually doesn't work. 793 00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,080 It's just classic, you know what I mean? 794 00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:31,240 And so I, it just ended up just like not we wanted different 795 00:37:31,240 --> 00:37:35,320 things. And so I had, I decided to bow 796 00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:40,120 out and it was like heartbreaking. 797 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,160 It was interesting. He was like, I learned so much 798 00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:44,240 from him. Like I and I used to hate him. 799 00:37:44,240 --> 00:37:47,840 My God, because like right after me, he started like the first, 800 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:50,400 the second set one, like we broke up and he started seeing 801 00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:52,200 someone and then they broke up and then we started seeing each 802 00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:53,840 other again. But I was like, I think you're 803 00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,560 seeing him still. And then we broke up to get for 804 00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:58,080 good. We broke up and then like 2 805 00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:00,680 years late or like a year and a half later, he was like 2 years 806 00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:03,720 with my guy and I was like, Oh, you were, I was right. 807 00:38:03,720 --> 00:38:04,920 I was right. Oh. 808 00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:08,920 God, but it's it's fine because he's a Trump supporter and they 809 00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:11,760 got divorced, so. The guy was, yeah. 810 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,120 Wow. Which is so crazy to me anyway. 811 00:38:14,240 --> 00:38:18,840 OK, so what's sex life like after this first relationship? 812 00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:22,280 Very, very rocky. Because now it's like my first 813 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:27,120 time kind of on grinder again, Like it's my first time really, 814 00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:31,040 like, not bound to anyone. And I was scared I'd never 815 00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:34,000 really bottomed. I mean, like, we reversed, but 816 00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:36,040 like, I had never really bought them for anyone else. 817 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:40,680 Like, it was just like, yeah. And again, I'm like, single and 818 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:44,880 think I'm hideous. So it's like, you know, And 819 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:47,040 living in New York City, luckily I was in Brooklyn. 820 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:50,160 So Brooklyn, the Brooklyn gays are not as horrible. 821 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:56,240 Wait, OK, So this is jumping forward a little bit, then where 822 00:38:56,240 --> 00:38:59,360 are you at with, like you just said, thinking you were hideous? 823 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:01,200 Yeah, I know. Like, our perception of 824 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:04,520 ourselves is an ongoing battlefield. 825 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,960 Yeah. So where are you at now? 826 00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:10,040 And what are some things that helped you move forward or 827 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:14,840 closer to the side where you see yourself as like beautiful, you 828 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:18,840 know, wanted, desirable? Honestly, I mean, like a lot of, 829 00:39:19,240 --> 00:39:21,520 I mean, obviously I've had relationships in between that 830 00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:24,360 after Josh, but like after the the acts, whatever. 831 00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:28,920 But honestly, self exploration, like I would say masturbation 832 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:30,080 truly. Yeah. 833 00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:35,160 I mean like I just like was I just, I started coming at it as 834 00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:38,800 around a place of love and a place of spending time with 835 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,760 myself and discovering myself. It's literally like kind of like 836 00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:44,200 touching my hand, like kind of figuring out what you like. 837 00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:48,080 And yeah, I started playing and also like again, I just, I 838 00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:52,160 started like, yeah, like I started playing with playing 839 00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:55,840 with toys a lot, especially, you know, after this is like right 840 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,920 after, you know, I started, yeah, this is like right before 841 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,360 the pandemic and into the pandemic. 842 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:05,480 No, it's like a lot of a lot of exploration through toys. 843 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:09,120 Can you tell? Us about some of that like your 844 00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:13,560 toy journey yeah, I guess toys elicit the dildos like yeah. 845 00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:18,800 Like my dildos, like I just like remember liking, yeah, I, you 846 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:20,920 know what's so funny? We had this like prop dildo that 847 00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:23,080 we used for a Stephanie's child concert that like we each had 848 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:24,680 our own. So it was like nobody had like, 849 00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:27,560 no one was else was using this. And I was like, hmm, I wonder 850 00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:30,520 what this is actually like. And I loved it. 851 00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:33,120 I was like, Oh my God. And I remember like it was 852 00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:35,360 during the bitch, during the pandemic, I would just like lock 853 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:36,640 myself in my room. Me and my roommate weren't 854 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:37,840 talking about the time we were mad at each other. 855 00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,800 And I would just like play for a long period of time, you know, 856 00:40:40,800 --> 00:40:43,200 Also, I'm ADHD, so I was like stemming as well. 857 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:45,480 Literally. It's very stimming. 858 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:47,280 Stimming, yeah. Like it's a very. 859 00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:50,240 It's a very yeah, I. Don't know what stimming is? 860 00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:51,840 Stimming. It's like like. 861 00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:54,400 Oh, stimming is stimulating. Stimulating. 862 00:40:54,400 --> 00:40:56,480 It's very. Stimulating for an ADHD brain 863 00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:58,440 our brains are always looking for dopamine that's why we're 864 00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:01,200 always like state we're stimming we're always like a vocal stem 865 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:04,400 like like people like have epilelia people who are always 866 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:08,720 like me I mean I'm I'm a perfect example of that yeah so it was 867 00:41:08,720 --> 00:41:11,880 like yeah and then I I mean I don't know I also started like 868 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:15,200 and also always in front of a mirror and then it was like oh, 869 00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:18,680 can I take a bigger toy and then it just like became this like 870 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:23,440 I've got like 20 of them now wow and and it's yeah and then. 871 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:26,520 And this also helped you. OK, So did this make you because 872 00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:29,760 we're in the pandemic now, so it's not sex isn't as much of an 873 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:31,960 option. Did it make you excited to 874 00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:37,000 bottom or to start bottoming? Yeah, definitely, definitely at 875 00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,480 the time. And then I and yeah, and I also 876 00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:41,320 didn't realize that my Dick was big either. 877 00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:44,160 I know you said this at dinner a couple of nights ago and I I. 878 00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:46,040 I just didn't realize it was big. 879 00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:48,560 I also was heavier too. So you have to realize that like 880 00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,360 I when you're heavier. You lose a little bit, a little. 881 00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:55,320 Bit of length, yeah. So like, as I also during this 882 00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:58,880 time, I'm losing weight, so I'm like, oh, hello, who are you 883 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:00,280 down there? You know, I was like. 884 00:42:00,720 --> 00:42:04,360 So I'm kind of like, slowly discovering that he's great. 885 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:05,680 He's desired. Yeah. 886 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:08,920 Nowadays, OK, but nowadays you've been on. 887 00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,480 OK, So you've been on Grinder then? 888 00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:14,120 Yeah, definitely for a bit now. And it's not. 889 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:15,960 Very good at it. There's blind spots. 890 00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:18,360 Sure, if you will. With Grinder, yeah. 891 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:20,080 At the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 892 00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:23,720 But like, I know I've gotten to this point where it's like, if I 893 00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:25,160 get to the point in a conversation where we're 894 00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:29,320 exchanging nudes, yeah, I'm fairly confident my nudes elicit 895 00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:32,440 a positive response. See, at the time they didn't 896 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,000 really. Yeah, at that time, my best, my 897 00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:37,280 I was again like. Piece of your body. 898 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,200 Yeah, I was also just like, I was very, very skinny fat. 899 00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:42,160 I was like, not strength training at all. 900 00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:44,240 I was just like in a different place. 901 00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:47,200 So like I was receiving a lot more. 902 00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:49,760 No, I was receiving a lot more no than. 903 00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:52,080 Yes, let's just say, OK. So. 904 00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:54,640 Which was kind of a mindfuck too. 905 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,280 Of course. And I've kind of discovered too, 906 00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:59,720 that I'm more a demisexual anyway, OK. 907 00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,360 And so at the time, I was like more looking for connection 908 00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:05,440 before we're hooking up, right? And that to listeners, 909 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:10,360 demisexual is like attraction kind of begins in the mind and 910 00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:13,400 like the personality and the person, like you need to have 911 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:17,200 some sort of it. Anonymous sex would not be. 912 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:19,240 Yeah, anonymous sex wasn't really working. 913 00:43:19,240 --> 00:43:24,680 Enticing for a demisexual. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. 914 00:43:24,720 --> 00:43:29,760 So how have you found? Because I'll go ahead and say 915 00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:32,680 that, like you, you do hook up. Now I do, yeah. 916 00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:38,640 But like, how have you incorporated like casual 917 00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:40,800 hookups? Is that part of the journey of 918 00:43:40,800 --> 00:43:42,480 being more confident or? Yeah. 919 00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:45,880 I would say, I would say I would like find myself hooking up with 920 00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:48,600 people that I've like connected with on grinder for a few days 921 00:43:48,720 --> 00:43:50,600 or like someone I've been talking to for a long time. 922 00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:54,080 And honestly, even now I'll like star somebody on grinder and 923 00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:57,120 we'll talk for like and like because it's, you know, also 924 00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:58,880 living in New York, it's such a timing thing. 925 00:43:59,240 --> 00:44:01,920 It's so like a like, are you 5 miles away from me? 926 00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:03,960 Are you are you at home? Like are you like? 927 00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:09,520 It's very that, so I would find that if we've been talking on 928 00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:11,720 Grinder for a while, obviously there's interest there. 929 00:44:11,720 --> 00:44:15,560 So my anxiety lowers. I'm starting to flirt and send 930 00:44:15,560 --> 00:44:19,600 nudes and with this person. So I find that that is kind of 931 00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,480 how I started. So that my. 932 00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:24,800 Casual hookups and then my casual hookups became casual 933 00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:27,240 like friend with benefits. OK, that's what I was gonna. 934 00:44:27,240 --> 00:44:30,960 Ask you that was what it kind of a lot of my hooking up was at 935 00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,800 the time. Or does it ever lead to dates? 936 00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:35,680 Or do dates. Not really have early New York 937 00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,120 because everyone was very like I'm not looking to date Licious. 938 00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:41,880 Fuck yeah, and I was just out of a relationship too as well. 939 00:44:42,040 --> 00:44:43,840 So I was like, I'm not, I'm just looking to fuck. 940 00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:50,400 And then today, would you say you are open to hookups, open to 941 00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:53,560 dates, open to benefits? Now, are you still? 942 00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:57,160 Would you consider yourself a relationship girly or are you I? 943 00:44:57,160 --> 00:45:00,240 I would consider myself ready for a relationship with the 944 00:45:00,240 --> 00:45:02,440 right person. Yeah, I've definitely. 945 00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:04,600 And I think I I, this is where I'm at. 946 00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:06,960 I wasn't dating for a long time and not dating. 947 00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:10,240 OK. Yeah, I I just started dating 948 00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:12,480 like the end of last. Year Was there any reason you 949 00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:14,960 weren't dating? I wasn't healed from the last 950 00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:17,120 one I had like I just held on to. 951 00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:19,800 To the DC guy, No, no, no. OK, OK. 952 00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:24,280 The in the midst of all this was a really big heartbreak that it 953 00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:27,600 doesn't deserve my attention so it but. 954 00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:29,880 Is that like a new conclusion you've come to? 955 00:45:30,240 --> 00:45:33,080 I just like, you know how some people are like some people 956 00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:34,720 like, want to stay friends. Yeah. 957 00:45:34,720 --> 00:45:36,840 And I'm like I can't be your friend cuz I still like like 958 00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:37,640 you. Of course and. 959 00:45:37,640 --> 00:45:40,400 Part of me still like, thinks about it and that's fine. 960 00:45:40,400 --> 00:45:45,120 Like I, I don't have to. Like we don't have to like, I 961 00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:46,920 understand. Like you don't have to like me. 962 00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:49,040 Like, that's not you. I there's nothing I can do to 963 00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:55,160 make you like me anymore. However, you don't get to have a 964 00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:58,040 you don't get to have access to me now just because, like, you 965 00:45:58,040 --> 00:45:58,920 want to be friends. Yeah. 966 00:45:58,920 --> 00:46:00,680 Like you think it's been a long time now. 967 00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:03,080 So because I, I. I couldn't do it. 968 00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:05,440 Yeah, I just like still have a crush on you, kind of. 969 00:46:05,480 --> 00:46:07,120 And I know it's like, it's not even a crush. 970 00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:08,760 It's like, I know it'll never happen. 971 00:46:08,760 --> 00:46:10,800 I know it'll never be, but there's parts of me that are 972 00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:14,680 like, but I've accepted that it's kind of like, I don't know. 973 00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,280 It's just like I, I don't hear everything you're saying. 974 00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:21,400 Also part of it is probably the ADD brain where you're like. 975 00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:24,200 Trying to figure out why. You're trying to like Yeah, 976 00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:25,080 exactly. And. 977 00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,480 I really never got. Friends, why aren't we doing 978 00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:28,920 that? Like, oh, he doesn't like me. 979 00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:30,480 I'm. Yeah, like you're and it was 980 00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:33,840 very like what I and here's the thing, it's like the sad part 981 00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:35,760 that I've learned is that sometimes there's nothing that 982 00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:37,520 you did. Sometimes you just realize that 983 00:46:37,520 --> 00:46:40,200 you just don't like that person. Yeah, it's not anything that you 984 00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:41,760 did intentionally or it's like a moment. 985 00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:44,480 It's just clicks like, oh, this hasn't worked and I didn't 986 00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:47,240 realize that that isn't that. That's enough because it's 987 00:46:47,240 --> 00:46:49,320 happened to me where I'm like, wow, you're actually a really 988 00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:51,200 great guy. There's Have you ever had to 989 00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:52,440 break up with somebody? Yes. 990 00:46:52,440 --> 00:46:54,040 That they did nothing wrong. Both. 991 00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:56,400 Both my year long people did nothing wrong. 992 00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:58,280 And that it's the worst because I. 993 00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:01,560 Pulled away because I was like, I just like, it's not, it's 994 00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:02,360 flipping. Yeah. 995 00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:05,920 And that's how. Yeah, and that's so I have to 996 00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:08,720 accept that, just like how other people have to have have. 997 00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:12,080 I expect other people to expect, you know, accept it from me. 998 00:47:12,080 --> 00:47:15,120 But it still sucks. That's why I always wonder if 999 00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:17,920 like, that's the moment where some people open up their 1000 00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:23,200 relationship because it sounds like, you know, we may maybe we 1001 00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:27,200 weren't getting the things we needed or wanted. 1002 00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:31,560 So like in lieu of breaking up? You see? 1003 00:47:31,760 --> 00:47:33,680 Just. Doesn't leave one. 1004 00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:35,920 Listen, I'm a short term relationship girly. 1005 00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:38,880 Once I noticed that like, you know, we're kind of veering off 1006 00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:42,800 the path instead of desperately trying to cobble a new path 1007 00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:45,360 together. I'm often like, let's just, you 1008 00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:48,760 know, all right, let's go. Yeah, this is what it was and. 1009 00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:52,120 Think too and like. Obviously, if you need, you 1010 00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:57,840 know, emergency help, you can use my number, but like I also I 1011 00:47:57,840 --> 00:48:03,080 struggle being friends with someone I'm dating. 1012 00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:06,800 I I often put them into a different category. 1013 00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:08,760 I think that's. So crazy because I mean, aren't 1014 00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:09,960 they supposed to be your best friend? 1015 00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:13,760 I mean, good reason why I haven't really been in anything 1016 00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:15,880 substantial. Yeah, I mean. 1017 00:48:16,800 --> 00:48:22,040 Yeah, I think it's a a tall order to have a best friend that 1018 00:48:22,040 --> 00:48:26,640 you also want to come in and or around all the time. 1019 00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:31,280 Yeah, it's, it's, it's kind of a mindback, isn't it? 1020 00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:31,960 It's a. Lot. 1021 00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:34,240 There's also this part, and I realized that today it's like 1022 00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:39,760 there's a part where with someone you become family. 1023 00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:42,200 And I guess people would say that automatically when you have 1024 00:48:42,200 --> 00:48:45,120 kids with someone. But like there's a point where 1025 00:48:45,120 --> 00:48:47,600 like, you know them so intimately, so deeply that they 1026 00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:51,240 become family, right? And then I start to feel like 1027 00:48:51,640 --> 00:48:53,600 icky about. Yeah. 1028 00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:57,400 Does it really? In my head, yes, Where I'm just 1029 00:48:57,400 --> 00:49:02,960 like, I know you so well. Like, like I've, you know, 1030 00:49:03,240 --> 00:49:06,400 parted and it's just like, I don't know. 1031 00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:09,120 It loses like its appeal. I think so. 1032 00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:09,920 Huh. Yeah. 1033 00:49:10,120 --> 00:49:15,040 I don't know, I guess for me, I I just have to find the like the 1034 00:49:15,040 --> 00:49:18,600 hot autistic boy who is really into me, who like really bounces 1035 00:49:18,600 --> 00:49:22,200 and plays well off of my ADHD. Because like I realized that the 1036 00:49:22,200 --> 00:49:25,280 reason I was in such a great or the reason me and Josh let my 1037 00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:29,000 first relationship lasted so long is because we were both 1038 00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:32,200 near spicy. And like, it's very, it's very 1039 00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:35,840 Canon for people with ADHD to find each other and with Yeah, 1040 00:49:35,840 --> 00:49:39,720 and and people who on the spectrum to like really match 1041 00:49:39,720 --> 00:49:42,520 because they, the brain they play. 1042 00:49:42,520 --> 00:49:45,680 Yeah, they get it. They compliment each other, so 1043 00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:48,600 it's interesting to me that God, my brows are two different 1044 00:49:48,600 --> 00:49:50,880 shapes because of the lighting. And the room? 1045 00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:52,920 No. No, it's OK, I'm gonna fix it 1046 00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:56,920 with the. I think for me, like, I could 1047 00:49:56,920 --> 00:50:00,920 also maybe end up with someone spicy or just like someone who's 1048 00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:08,360 like, so grounded and so like, doesn't have like an anxious 1049 00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:11,480 bone in their body where they're like, it's OK. 1050 00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:14,080 Like, yeah, come sit down with me. 1051 00:50:14,240 --> 00:50:15,320 You're OK. Yeah. 1052 00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:18,280 Because I think also I had pretty explosive. 1053 00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:21,960 Well, I had an explosive mom and find an absent dad. 1054 00:50:22,640 --> 00:50:24,880 Wow. So that's so similar. 1055 00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:27,280 Yeah, I relate. To that so your mom was 1056 00:50:27,280 --> 00:50:30,800 explosive? Oh my God, like my God, egg 1057 00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:32,640 shell. You'd, you'd walk on egg shells 1058 00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:34,640 because you didn't know and I did. 1059 00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:37,160 It's so crazy to learn these things now where it's like. 1060 00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:38,800 Oh, that's why I'm like, are you? 1061 00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:42,200 Jumping Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm also always reading the 1062 00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:45,640 room. I'm also always hyper focused on 1063 00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:50,680 how people feel in a room. I'm like that Lady in the corner 1064 00:50:50,680 --> 00:50:53,560 is upset. Like I'm like noticing these 1065 00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:55,920 things and it's because it's like. 1066 00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:59,400 It's a safety mechanism. Yeah, you had to be on guard. 1067 00:50:59,400 --> 00:51:03,000 Yeah, to protect, yeah. Yeah, just to help facilitate, 1068 00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:08,640 to make things easiest for you. My mom's been like, we've been 1069 00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:10,680 really good. I mean, for a long time now, 1070 00:51:10,680 --> 00:51:14,960 probably for, but went growing up and I would say through maybe 1071 00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:17,320 like college. Yeah. 1072 00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:20,600 She was very, very explosive. Really. 1073 00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:23,520 Yeah. But oh, but that's why I think I 1074 00:51:23,520 --> 00:51:28,640 deeply crave like a guy who like, I'm not even, I'm not 1075 00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:31,520 worried in the slightest that he's obsessed with me. 1076 00:51:31,680 --> 00:51:36,360 He loves me, you know. He's willing to, you know, work 1077 00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:40,040 things out. You know, I can't be guessing. 1078 00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:42,160 I can't be guessing. You know, what's so interesting 1079 00:51:42,160 --> 00:51:49,520 is that I am so I, I, I, I find myself being so attracted to the 1080 00:51:49,520 --> 00:51:51,840 guessing and I it's a it's a toxic. 1081 00:51:51,840 --> 00:51:53,960 Trait. Oh my God, that's so. 1082 00:51:53,960 --> 00:51:57,880 It's like I realized like that's why the last one like fucked me 1083 00:51:57,880 --> 00:52:00,600 up so bad is because I was just trying so hard to figure out 1084 00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:03,800 like what to do to make him like me again because that's what I 1085 00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:05,960 was doing at home. I was like dad is mean right now 1086 00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:09,080 but I know he loves me So what do I need to do to fix it so 1087 00:52:09,080 --> 00:52:10,640 that. He loves me again and. 1088 00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:13,400 So that's what they're like every in therapy. 1089 00:52:13,680 --> 00:52:18,040 It was really interesting in therapy with my, my therapist 1090 00:52:18,040 --> 00:52:21,440 would be like, hey, so every time we start with your ex, we 1091 00:52:21,440 --> 00:52:24,680 end with your dad. Have you noticed? 1092 00:52:24,680 --> 00:52:26,440 And I was like, no, I was like, no way. 1093 00:52:26,440 --> 00:52:28,320 I was like, this is no, I'm just like, I love him. 1094 00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:31,360 Like I love him. And she's like, she's like, no, 1095 00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:34,400 So like, and then she was like day by day, she was like on this 1096 00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:35,560 session, we ended him. We all. 1097 00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:38,920 She was like, we if you we if we ever talk about him, we have 1098 00:52:38,920 --> 00:52:39,520 your dad. Wow. 1099 00:52:40,160 --> 00:52:43,000 And so that was like the huge like, oh, this is like not a 1100 00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:44,800 you. This is not which is another 1101 00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:47,480 reason why I can't be his friend just because you trigger. 1102 00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:50,480 Yeah, you are. You are a like living example of 1103 00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:52,840 like my abandonment wounds. So I cannot be around. 1104 00:52:52,840 --> 00:52:55,160 You're a shortcut back to trauma, right? 1105 00:52:55,240 --> 00:52:57,760 So it's and it's not tech, it's not even your fault. 1106 00:52:57,760 --> 00:52:59,400 No, it's just what you represent now. 1107 00:52:59,400 --> 00:53:00,760 So like, I don't want to be around you. 1108 00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:03,600 And it's like, yeah, I. Don't know. 1109 00:53:03,600 --> 00:53:05,560 Wow. So that's also you doing 1110 00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:09,080 something that in a way you feel comfortable with because you 1111 00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:11,600 know it so well. Yeah, Oh my God. 1112 00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:15,880 And what's crazy is that like, I think a lot of what my work is 1113 00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:19,280 now is like kind of relearning what like safety and love means. 1114 00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:22,320 And like maybe the, because I have always like, well, there's 1115 00:53:22,320 --> 00:53:24,120 no spark. I've noticed that like if I'm 1116 00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:26,480 not feeling sparks with someone I have to really ask myself, 1117 00:53:26,480 --> 00:53:28,800 it's like, is it because you don't like them or is it because 1118 00:53:28,800 --> 00:53:31,280 they're safe? Oh my God, not yeah, you're 1119 00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:32,520 speaking. Because I'm like, because I'm 1120 00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:35,440 like, what sucks is I'm like, wait, I you are so great. 1121 00:53:35,440 --> 00:53:38,280 Like why am I not vibing? Like why am I not picking up? 1122 00:53:38,280 --> 00:53:41,320 Why am I not, oh, you're not stressing me out. 1123 00:53:41,320 --> 00:53:43,120 I'm not really concerned if you like me or not. 1124 00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:45,160 I like know you like me a lot actually. 1125 00:53:45,240 --> 00:53:48,160 There's a deeper thing too where I'm getting over this, but it's 1126 00:53:48,160 --> 00:53:52,920 like you like me this much, there must be something wrong 1127 00:53:52,920 --> 00:53:57,920 with you. Oh my God, Say that, Say that, 1128 00:53:58,400 --> 00:53:59,640 say that. You know what I mean? 1129 00:53:59,640 --> 00:54:02,120 I've had to really learn too like I would I. 1130 00:54:02,120 --> 00:54:03,560 Mean now I'm obsessed with myself. 1131 00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:06,080 But like in the past, yeah, that's been a thought. 1132 00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:08,000 I'm learning to become obsessed with myself. 1133 00:54:08,480 --> 00:54:11,720 I've also learned that like, I used to just settle for so much, 1134 00:54:11,720 --> 00:54:14,320 like for yeah, for so little, little. 1135 00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:18,160 I would just be like, yeah, you treat me like shit, but like one 1136 00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:19,760 time you were nice to me. So I know. 1137 00:54:19,760 --> 00:54:21,520 And that's the other thing. Like I growing up in the 1138 00:54:21,520 --> 00:54:23,640 household that I grew up, I had to idealize a lot. 1139 00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:27,160 I had to like make up a lot of love where there was none. 1140 00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:30,280 So it was like, that's what I did. 1141 00:54:31,080 --> 00:54:32,720 You were like living on scraps. Yeah. 1142 00:54:32,760 --> 00:54:35,080 Oh, honey. There's also like a thing, a 1143 00:54:35,240 --> 00:54:36,640 boy. And he fucking loved her. 1144 00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:37,800 Bread from me. Oh my. 1145 00:54:38,560 --> 00:54:41,320 Fucking just like enough to keep you on the hook. 1146 00:54:41,320 --> 00:54:43,640 Just enough to be like, well, maybe someday. 1147 00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:47,520 Oh my God, you know what? So you know what even sucks 1148 00:54:47,520 --> 00:54:50,560 worse is that if he really hit me up and wanted to hang out, 1149 00:54:50,560 --> 00:54:53,600 I'd be like, sure. At least you know it. 1150 00:54:53,880 --> 00:54:56,800 You know, whatever. I have a friend who recently was 1151 00:54:56,800 --> 00:54:59,200 in a very I'm going to let use the word toxic. 1152 00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:03,840 I know he tossed it around. He was in a very it was a bad 1153 00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,880 relationship. They ended finally it was back 1154 00:55:06,880 --> 00:55:08,600 and forth. They ended, he got with someone 1155 00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:15,440 else, they broke up and he went back to the the really bad one. 1156 00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:16,600 Yeah. I mean, that's, I mean. 1157 00:55:16,680 --> 00:55:18,920 I just. That sounds like a drama come 1158 00:55:18,920 --> 00:55:19,720 in. Yeah. 1159 00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:26,480 But I do think, yeah, this, the secret to life and happiness, is 1160 00:55:26,480 --> 00:55:28,040 falling deeply in love with yourself. 1161 00:55:28,760 --> 00:55:32,360 Deeply, deeply in love. Just the way you are, just the 1162 00:55:32,360 --> 00:55:34,360 way you are. Cuz that's The thing is like I, 1163 00:55:34,400 --> 00:55:36,600 I used to, I used to be like, well, when I lose weight. 1164 00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:40,760 When I do this no like. No, you cannot delay happiness, 1165 00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:43,400 not at all. And also it's they feed into 1166 00:55:43,400 --> 00:55:45,720 each other. Then like when you start to love 1167 00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:48,600 yourself, taking care of yourself is easier because it's 1168 00:55:48,600 --> 00:55:50,120 not. You're not doing stuff because 1169 00:55:50,120 --> 00:55:52,520 you hate yourself, you're doing it because you love yourself and 1170 00:55:52,520 --> 00:55:56,120 everything comes becomes fueled from love. 1171 00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:58,240 Yes. And that which is foreign, it's 1172 00:55:58,240 --> 00:56:01,000 foreign for people like us. I know foreign to be like, wait, 1173 00:56:01,000 --> 00:56:03,040 I'm worth it. And that's the thing that I've 1174 00:56:03,040 --> 00:56:05,200 learned too. It's like when I as an ADHD 1175 00:56:05,200 --> 00:56:08,160 person, when I don't stick to stuff, I've learned that that is 1176 00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:10,080 me abandoning myself. Damn. 1177 00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:13,360 Why? Why do I like people Don't I'm 1178 00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:15,200 like, I get mad. Well, they, they abandoned me. 1179 00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:16,560 They abandoned me. They didn't show up for me. 1180 00:56:16,560 --> 00:56:20,000 Why don't you show up for you? Why don't you do the work? 1181 00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:21,800 There's a. No, you're the person who has to 1182 00:56:21,800 --> 00:56:23,320 spend the most time with you, all the time. 1183 00:56:23,320 --> 00:56:24,840 Always. Beginning, middle and end. 1184 00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:26,440 Yeah, there's you. Start to love it. 1185 00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:31,280 A phrase if you, if your parents left you standing in the rain 1186 00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:33,520 when you were five years old, shame on them. 1187 00:56:33,880 --> 00:56:36,960 If you're in the if you're 30 and still standing in the rain, 1188 00:56:36,960 --> 00:56:38,000 shame on you. Yeah. 1189 00:56:38,480 --> 00:56:42,400 And I really resonated with me because it's like, yeah, you can 1190 00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:46,160 point and I'm not downplaying trauma. 1191 00:56:46,160 --> 00:56:47,840 Oh, not at all. And you should know, you know 1192 00:56:47,840 --> 00:56:50,840 this better than anyone. But like it. 1193 00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:55,040 Using that only gets you so far. Right. 1194 00:56:55,080 --> 00:56:57,680 I mean, it's there's a moment where you have to. 1195 00:56:57,680 --> 00:56:59,560 I mean, it happened when I was getting over the sky. 1196 00:56:59,560 --> 00:57:03,200 I was like, OK, how? Like there's just a moment where 1197 00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:07,040 you we all have to stop and and and hold ourselves accountable 1198 00:57:07,040 --> 00:57:08,520 for our own suffering. Yeah. 1199 00:57:08,600 --> 00:57:11,760 Because like, am I deciding to? Because sometimes you just have 1200 00:57:11,760 --> 00:57:14,080 to decide. And honestly, people say like 1201 00:57:14,080 --> 00:57:16,760 when you get over stuff, it really is just one day you get 1202 00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:19,440 over it. For me, I've realized that I'm 1203 00:57:19,440 --> 00:57:21,960 just like, oh, actually one day you're all of a sudden you're 1204 00:57:21,960 --> 00:57:24,360 like, huh. The clouds part, yeah, you're 1205 00:57:24,360 --> 00:57:26,080 like, wait a minute. And that doesn't mean they won't 1206 00:57:26,680 --> 00:57:27,960 come back. No, right. 1207 00:57:27,960 --> 00:57:31,440 But you just start to see you're like, oh wait, I'm worth more. 1208 00:57:31,440 --> 00:57:33,320 Oh, why am I so upset about this? 1209 00:57:33,320 --> 00:57:35,000 Or. There's also a phrase in, yeah, 1210 00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:40,120 in a well in my recovery program that like, no, no feeling lasts 1211 00:57:40,120 --> 00:57:43,040 forever, but you use that for good and bad. 1212 00:57:43,040 --> 00:57:47,480 So it's like, oh, I'm so happy right now and I will not feel 1213 00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:50,600 this way forever. Or I'm so deeply sad right now, 1214 00:57:50,600 --> 00:57:52,600 but I will not feel this way forever. 1215 00:57:53,160 --> 00:57:55,640 And it's just like a good. It's just like when you're in 1216 00:57:55,640 --> 00:57:59,520 it, it's such a calming thing. Yeah. 1217 00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:01,560 To be like, I, yes, I feel this way. 1218 00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:04,160 First of all, feeling bad is not a bad thing. 1219 00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:06,640 No. But like, it will not last. 1220 00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:09,160 For in my experience, it does not last forever. 1221 00:58:09,160 --> 00:58:12,720 No, it really doesn't. OK, let's end with a round of 1222 00:58:12,720 --> 00:58:15,440 Hot or Not. I love how we talked about sex 1223 00:58:15,440 --> 00:58:16,600 and it became therapy and I love. 1224 00:58:16,600 --> 00:58:20,000 It Oh my God, I know I am curious to my listeners to see 1225 00:58:20,200 --> 00:58:25,720 if they enjoyed that because it's obviously more like I feel 1226 00:58:25,720 --> 00:58:29,720 like just like a fact finding mission on someone's like sex 1227 00:58:29,720 --> 00:58:32,040 life. But that was very that was very 1228 00:58:32,200 --> 00:58:35,520 fulfilling for me to talk to you about that. 1229 00:58:36,320 --> 00:58:37,840 Me too. So hot or not. 1230 00:58:37,840 --> 00:58:40,280 I list things and you tell me if you find them hot or not. 1231 00:58:40,280 --> 00:58:43,560 OK, great orgies. Not. 1232 00:58:44,360 --> 00:58:48,080 And is that because you? I just I just not my thing. 1233 00:58:48,120 --> 00:58:51,440 I again on the Demi. I like much prefer like. 1234 00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:55,440 Are groups fun? Sure, sure. 1235 00:58:55,440 --> 00:58:58,520 But you're not seeking them out. No, I would much prefer A1 on 1236 00:58:58,520 --> 00:59:00,720 one or or or being the guest feature somewhere. 1237 00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:04,240 I agree with the one-on-one thing, it just ultimately it's 1238 00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:06,800 like. That's where I really thrive. 1239 00:59:07,920 --> 00:59:13,080 OK, PDA. Hot. 1240 00:59:14,080 --> 00:59:18,080 Is there any limit? Depends on the location. 1241 00:59:18,520 --> 00:59:24,040 OK, then let's segue into sex or sexual activity in like a public 1242 00:59:24,320 --> 00:59:26,920 space. Again, depends on the location. 1243 00:59:26,920 --> 00:59:30,120 Like Fire Island on the beach, Absolutely OK like. 1244 00:59:30,160 --> 00:59:33,000 Where it's like where it's I've. Had my Dick stuck many a time on 1245 00:59:33,000 --> 00:59:34,840 the beach. It's, like, still not legal, but 1246 00:59:34,840 --> 00:59:37,840 it is actually socially acceptable, right? 1247 00:59:37,880 --> 00:59:41,440 Like, so like, here, Would you do something on the dance floor? 1248 00:59:41,560 --> 00:59:42,880 Yeah. OK, I would. 1249 00:59:43,520 --> 00:59:45,240 And you find that hot? Yeah, hot. 1250 00:59:45,920 --> 00:59:51,160 Brilliant spit and or spitting on it or in it. 1251 00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:58,480 Hot. OK, hot deep tongue kissing. 1252 00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:02,760 Not really. OK, it has to be. 1253 01:00:02,760 --> 01:00:06,280 It depends like if you are, if like, for example, this guy on 1254 01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:11,480 the last cruise literally like starts, starts whole log farts, 1255 01:00:11,720 --> 01:00:14,800 farts starts with like tongue licking my uvula. 1256 01:00:15,080 --> 01:00:16,680 Yeah. And you're trying to get your 1257 01:00:16,720 --> 01:00:19,560 like, like alien. No, yeah. 1258 01:00:19,720 --> 01:00:22,640 Hot, like passionate, like, like it builds. 1259 01:00:22,640 --> 01:00:24,960 It builds. We work because that we work 1260 01:00:24,960 --> 01:00:25,920 too. Oh my God. 1261 01:00:25,920 --> 01:00:29,440 And Oh my God. We're both like, like inside 1262 01:00:29,440 --> 01:00:32,000 each other in a way. Like we're tongue fucking like. 1263 01:00:32,040 --> 01:00:33,760 For a moment, and then a moment and then it. 1264 01:00:33,760 --> 01:00:36,880 We're tracks. Yeah, I when I tell you he goes. 1265 01:00:37,200 --> 01:00:40,920 OK, so which which is worse? The flip side is they don't 1266 01:00:40,960 --> 01:00:43,000 fucking put their tongue in your mouth. 1267 01:00:43,240 --> 01:00:44,560 Oh my God, no. No. 1268 01:00:44,560 --> 01:00:47,680 Which one's worse though? Which one's worse? 1269 01:00:47,960 --> 01:00:49,480 I'm actually going to say no tongue. 1270 01:00:49,480 --> 01:00:50,600 Is no tongue too much? Tongue. 1271 01:00:50,600 --> 01:00:52,040 I agree because. There's no tongue. 1272 01:00:52,040 --> 01:00:53,440 I'm like. The peckers, the ones who are 1273 01:00:53,440 --> 01:00:56,120 just like. I'm like, are you literally 1274 01:00:56,120 --> 01:00:58,640 kissing me like you kiss your family members? 1275 01:00:58,640 --> 01:01:01,400 Yeah, like what's going on like. Put your God damn tongue in my 1276 01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:02,920 mouth. Also, just open your fucking 1277 01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:10,200 mouth, yeah? Yeah, OK, raunchy like pig sex. 1278 01:01:10,920 --> 01:01:12,760 Huh. OK, huh. 1279 01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:14,560 Why not? Does that include like, what 1280 01:01:14,560 --> 01:01:19,560 about water sports? Oh, I I mean like, I'm not gonna 1281 01:01:19,560 --> 01:01:22,480 like, I'm not gonna look. For it, you're not seeking it 1282 01:01:22,480 --> 01:01:24,480 out, but you're not. Seeking it out if you want to do 1283 01:01:24,480 --> 01:01:26,200 it to me or you want me to do it to you. 1284 01:01:26,200 --> 01:01:28,280 And we're like in A and we're in. 1285 01:01:28,720 --> 01:01:32,080 A wet setting setting and then sure, yeah. 1286 01:01:32,720 --> 01:01:36,600 Also really into like really nasty talk. 1287 01:01:36,760 --> 01:01:38,080 OK, Verbal. Yeah. 1288 01:01:38,200 --> 01:01:41,880 Like this, the last couple I fucked on this boat was like a 1289 01:01:41,880 --> 01:01:46,160 porn star and his husband and I was like fucking the porn star 1290 01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:49,120 and his husband was like yeah, you like this handsome boy 1291 01:01:49,120 --> 01:01:51,280 fucking your fucking muscle daddy pussy? 1292 01:01:51,280 --> 01:01:53,560 Fuck yeah fuck. And I was like I. 1293 01:01:53,720 --> 01:01:57,000 I'm gonna come. And yeah, and I did and I did, 1294 01:01:58,080 --> 01:01:59,640 Yeah, I fucking. Did. 1295 01:01:59,760 --> 01:02:04,320 Hi, I'm gonna come. Yeah, I, yeah, it was that 1296 01:02:04,560 --> 01:02:07,800 really into the just say horrible, disgusting things to 1297 01:02:07,840 --> 01:02:09,800 me. Verbal, I think I told you this, 1298 01:02:09,920 --> 01:02:14,000 I was blowing a gentleman and he went make it disappear. 1299 01:02:14,360 --> 01:02:15,480 Come on. Make it disappear. 1300 01:02:15,840 --> 01:02:17,000 So hot. That's hot. 1301 01:02:17,040 --> 01:02:19,160 So yeah. And I was like, well, now I'm 1302 01:02:19,160 --> 01:02:21,160 motivated. And as a praise kink, you know, 1303 01:02:21,560 --> 01:02:23,320 this, I don't know. We haven't really talked talked 1304 01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:25,120 about it on this one. But I do have a bit of a praise 1305 01:02:25,120 --> 01:02:28,080 kink that I discovered through someone asking me to talk to 1306 01:02:28,080 --> 01:02:28,920 him. Disgusting. 1307 01:02:29,320 --> 01:02:31,880 And now I fucking love it. I it's not necessary. 1308 01:02:32,040 --> 01:02:34,280 Like it's not necessarily like I don't need it with every 1309 01:02:34,280 --> 01:02:38,640 partner, but if someone wants to do that, then like, let's let's 1310 01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:39,880 have at it, you know what I'm saying? 1311 01:02:39,880 --> 01:02:44,600 Yeah, yeah. I do know OK, what about hooking 1312 01:02:44,600 --> 01:02:47,040 up in drag? Absolutely fucking not. 1313 01:02:47,240 --> 01:02:48,720 OK? Never in a minute. 1314 01:02:48,720 --> 01:02:49,400 Never. No. 1315 01:02:49,440 --> 01:02:53,760 And is that because you don't like how they're seeing you or? 1316 01:02:53,760 --> 01:02:56,320 I just I it's just like not sexy for me. 1317 01:02:56,480 --> 01:02:59,880 I know it's a fantasy for you, but it's not my fantasy to 1318 01:02:59,880 --> 01:03:02,200 fucking try to hook up with a wig and lipstick on. 1319 01:03:02,200 --> 01:03:05,480 Like it's just not my tea. I'm also just like, you know, 1320 01:03:05,480 --> 01:03:07,480 I'm just like, I would OK, how about this? 1321 01:03:07,480 --> 01:03:09,800 I would suck. I would definitely suck a Dick 1322 01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:13,040 and drag, sure, but I'm not going to like try to get. 1323 01:03:13,040 --> 01:03:16,640 Fun talk or like yeah, yeah, yeah, come. 1324 01:03:17,600 --> 01:03:19,560 Hot, definitely. Hot Is there a favorite place 1325 01:03:19,560 --> 01:03:23,160 you like to come or become? I like to come. 1326 01:03:23,240 --> 01:03:26,840 I love to come and mouth and vice versa. 1327 01:03:26,880 --> 01:03:29,400 I like, I like come in my mouth. Really. 1328 01:03:29,400 --> 01:03:30,600 Do you swallow? Yeah, definitely. 1329 01:03:30,880 --> 01:03:32,000 And you like them? Swallow. 1330 01:03:32,040 --> 01:03:33,600 Listen, listen. I. 1331 01:03:33,640 --> 01:03:36,280 Don't mind a spit. Out there, there, there are boys 1332 01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:40,240 out there who are obsessed with sargundic but don't swallow. 1333 01:03:40,240 --> 01:03:42,200 I'm like. You know what that actually I've 1334 01:03:42,200 --> 01:03:44,520 experienced that on this ship and it was still very hot. 1335 01:03:44,760 --> 01:03:46,160 I don't like that. I like. 1336 01:03:46,160 --> 01:03:51,800 I need a motivated, motivated, eager person who's like very say 1337 01:03:51,840 --> 01:03:55,080 that who wants to do that. Who wants it? 1338 01:03:55,080 --> 01:03:58,560 Yeah, yeah, wants it to be. Fingering. 1339 01:04:00,320 --> 01:04:02,440 Meh, hot. OK. 1340 01:04:02,640 --> 01:04:05,120 Hot. I don't know, I just like I get 1341 01:04:05,120 --> 01:04:07,840 subconscious about it cuz I have nails on a lot so my fingers are 1342 01:04:07,960 --> 01:04:12,400 like talons. Yeah and I don't really enjoy 1343 01:04:12,400 --> 01:04:13,640 it. I'd rather you just, like, stick 1344 01:04:13,640 --> 01:04:17,040 your tongue or your fucking. I mean, I will, yeah. 1345 01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:18,600 You know. Oh, eating ass. 1346 01:04:19,640 --> 01:04:20,880 Love, love. Oh my God. 1347 01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:24,680 I think my favorite really. Yeah, or I think I I'm I lean 1348 01:04:24,680 --> 01:04:26,680 side. I just, there's something much 1349 01:04:26,680 --> 01:04:29,720 more intimate to me. About oral, I agree. 1350 01:04:29,800 --> 01:04:33,400 Like you are actively deciding to like because you are 1351 01:04:33,400 --> 01:04:36,840 servicing me or I am servicing you and like it is like the. 1352 01:04:36,840 --> 01:04:39,640 Control is also next level. Yeah, I. 1353 01:04:40,080 --> 01:04:43,920 Hand mouth coordination, yeah, you're like in a very 1354 01:04:43,920 --> 01:04:48,840 subservient or dominating position with, with anal. 1355 01:04:48,840 --> 01:04:51,440 It's like, yes, it is fun and yes, when I get there I'm like 1356 01:04:51,480 --> 01:04:56,520 so jazzed it's happening, right. But like, I think it's that I 1357 01:04:56,680 --> 01:04:59,680 can experience true bliss with just oral. 1358 01:05:00,000 --> 01:05:02,840 So I'm just like, we can do that. 1359 01:05:02,840 --> 01:05:06,400 But like also yeah, I don't need to. 1360 01:05:06,600 --> 01:05:08,600 Exactly how I feel like when people. 1361 01:05:08,600 --> 01:05:11,600 Are like he's OK if I just like yes, yeah, God, please. 1362 01:05:11,600 --> 01:05:13,720 Get at it, get over here, Put your mouth on it. 1363 01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:17,280 Yeah, but at the same time, I hate it when boys talk big game 1364 01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:19,720 about loving to suck Dick and then there's teeth all over it. 1365 01:05:19,800 --> 01:05:22,600 Granted, he's girthy. He's a big he's, he's. 1366 01:05:22,600 --> 01:05:24,240 Girthy. He's a girthy. 1367 01:05:24,240 --> 01:05:27,960 Man. You should have like, OK, so I 1368 01:05:28,000 --> 01:05:31,240 blow I suck Dick with my Invisalign in now just in case, 1369 01:05:31,400 --> 01:05:33,400 just in case, even if it's not big, I'm like, I'm going to do 1370 01:05:33,400 --> 01:05:35,520 this. It'll be fun to even kind of 1371 01:05:35,520 --> 01:05:38,720 like use it. But like, couldn't you get like 1372 01:05:38,720 --> 01:05:41,960 a sports card that you have on hand for boys to put in their 1373 01:05:41,960 --> 01:05:42,320 mouth? Oh. 1374 01:05:42,560 --> 01:05:46,480 My God, no, I would no. Yeah, make make sucking your 1375 01:05:46,480 --> 01:05:49,200 Dick like a rugby event, honestly. 1376 01:05:50,280 --> 01:05:55,320 Oh skull fucking. I like it if they're into it, 1377 01:05:55,320 --> 01:05:57,760 don't do it to me. Yeah, I agree with that. 1378 01:05:57,800 --> 01:05:59,720 Yeah. Like if you want me to do it to 1379 01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:02,480 you, because I have, I've had guys who are like, want me to do 1380 01:06:02,480 --> 01:06:06,080 that to them. Yeah, I don't need that. 1381 01:06:06,480 --> 01:06:07,760 Degradation. I'm sorry. 1382 01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:08,760 Degradation. Yeah. 1383 01:06:08,880 --> 01:06:10,120 If you're into that, sure. Not in. 1384 01:06:10,120 --> 01:06:12,320 Not if you're into it and you want me to do it to you? 1385 01:06:12,320 --> 01:06:13,920 Absolutely. I don't need. 1386 01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:14,560 I don't need. Oh my. 1387 01:06:14,600 --> 01:06:17,240 God, yeah, I don't. I could not prescribe that less 1388 01:06:17,240 --> 01:06:20,240 to you. What, Someone degrading you? 1389 01:06:20,240 --> 01:06:21,360 Yeah, I know I would. Absolutely. 1390 01:06:21,400 --> 01:06:22,760 I would weep. I would cry. 1391 01:06:22,760 --> 01:06:23,800 Yeah. And not in a good way. 1392 01:06:25,880 --> 01:06:34,560 And let's end with leather, OK? I don't need it. 1393 01:06:34,560 --> 01:06:35,160 I know. Me neither. 1394 01:06:35,160 --> 01:06:36,680 I just don't. I don't get it. 1395 01:06:36,840 --> 01:06:39,720 I don't think I get it. Just like it doesn't take it off 1396 01:06:39,720 --> 01:06:40,680 for what? Why do you? 1397 01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:44,480 That's kind of me with any sort of gear. 1398 01:06:45,120 --> 01:06:47,400 Yeah, I'm not. I'm like, I'm not. 1399 01:06:47,400 --> 01:06:52,040 When I think of men, they're not in neon colored harnesses and 1400 01:06:52,040 --> 01:06:55,040 shiny plastic Speedo. Yeah, I just need you just. 1401 01:06:55,320 --> 01:06:57,720 Be in your boxer briefs, yeah. Be in. 1402 01:06:57,720 --> 01:07:00,880 Yeah. Just just honestly say, tell me 1403 01:07:00,880 --> 01:07:02,480 that you want to be here and I'm there. 1404 01:07:03,160 --> 01:07:05,880 I'm like, that's, that's what I really need, you know? 1405 01:07:06,120 --> 01:07:08,720 All right, And the last thing in the pod is what is some advice 1406 01:07:08,720 --> 01:07:13,720 you'd give to younger Laguna before he began his sexual 1407 01:07:13,720 --> 01:07:16,400 journey? It's just like, hey, look, 1408 01:07:16,400 --> 01:07:20,480 listen up, you know, see. What would I say? 1409 01:07:20,560 --> 01:07:22,440 OK, it's. Huge. 1410 01:07:22,640 --> 01:07:26,320 It's a lot bigger than you think it is People like it. 1411 01:07:26,560 --> 01:07:27,680 People are going to really like it. 1412 01:07:27,920 --> 01:07:31,640 Also my sweet, my sweet, you're so beautiful. 1413 01:07:32,200 --> 01:07:34,280 Oh, I know you don't think it, but you are. 1414 01:07:34,440 --> 01:07:36,720 Trust me. Take 1000 naked pictures of 1415 01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:39,520 yourself right now. Just do it. 1416 01:07:39,520 --> 01:07:42,040 So then you can look back and be like wow, look how hot I am. 1417 01:07:42,120 --> 01:07:43,600 You know what I mean? Do that. 1418 01:07:44,520 --> 01:07:46,000 Oh, that's what I would say. Cute. 1419 01:07:46,160 --> 01:07:48,200 And then last thing. Is where tell the tower. 1420 01:07:48,200 --> 01:07:49,960 Bottoms where they can. Find love and support you. 1421 01:07:50,000 --> 01:07:53,640 You can find love and support me on all social media at Laguna. 1422 01:07:53,640 --> 01:07:58,280 Blue NYC and you can stream my music, specifically Underwater 1423 01:07:58,280 --> 01:08:00,520 Bubble Pop Deluxe on all streaming platforms. 1424 01:08:01,160 --> 01:08:02,640 I love you so much. I love you too. 1425 01:08:02,640 --> 01:08:04,080 Thank you for having me. Thank you. 1426 01:08:04,080 --> 01:08:06,000 I didn't finish. The look, but it's gorgeous. 1427 01:08:06,000 --> 01:08:08,760 And if you weren't watching along, go watch the. 1428 01:08:08,760 --> 01:08:12,760 YouTube of this Laguna has been getting into her face and it's 1429 01:08:12,760 --> 01:08:14,520 so fun to watch. Yeah, I wish. 1430 01:08:14,520 --> 01:08:17,120 I wish I could paint faster, but I should make every. 1431 01:08:17,120 --> 01:08:20,800 Guest put on a full face drag. Even if they've never done it. 1432 01:08:21,399 --> 01:08:23,279 All right, I love you. Until next time, keep sucking 1433 01:08:23,279 --> 01:08:28,120 and fucking bye. Hello Tower. 1434 01:08:28,120 --> 01:08:30,720 Bottoms, it's me, your host, Zach Newey Towers. 1435 01:08:30,920 --> 01:08:33,000 Thank you so much for listening to Good Side Pod. 1436 01:08:33,160 --> 01:08:36,680 If you haven't already, give it a five star rating, leave a 1437 01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:38,920 review, share it with a friend, get the word out. 1438 01:08:39,120 --> 01:08:40,080 I love you so much.