1 00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:07,640 Yeah, more. Give it to me. 2 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:15,080 Yeah, more. Good morning, Sad Mites with 3 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:24,440 Zach Zowie Towers. Hello. 4 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:28,960 This is so exciting because I have not had an anonymous guest 5 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:32,000 in like a couple years. Hello. 6 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,600 Hello. Hello, Anonymous. 7 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,360 So I guess we'll just jump right in. 8 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,960 And I of course have listeners who are going to love your voice 9 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:43,000 and be like, who is this? But I don't you don't have 10 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,800 social media. Or you do I do not have social. 11 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,400 Media, see. Good luck bitches. 12 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,800 Good luck figuring out who this is. 13 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:54,240 But let's just jump in, maybe tell the people like how like 14 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,440 maybe stats and like how you identify like gay male, like 15 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:06,320 whatever. I am 37 I I identify as gay but 16 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:10,160 I am kind of figuring out my sexuality a little bit later in 17 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:14,600 life. So I would say I'm fluid and 18 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:18,480 open to new experiences and not black and white. 19 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,960 But for the most part yes. I'm attracted to male, sure. 20 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:29,840 And yeah, my story. Well when you say stat wise, 21 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,480 what are you asking? Oh, no, you really hit it. 22 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:35,440 I think you hit it. I also love that you said you're 23 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,680 open to most things. Like, do you, have you been like 24 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:42,160 doing research on these things? Yeah, and. 25 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:44,200 Like, because when you said that, I was like, oh, maybe 26 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:48,320 you're pansexual, Maybe you're. Demisexual I've identified with 27 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:52,640 yes and I've had some like especially in the last couple of 28 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:59,920 years I, I feel like I could be pan too, you know, because 29 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:05,680 again, I've as I've become more comfortable with myself, for me 30 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,080 it's all just about a connection. 31 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:11,960 And so there are sometimes girls where like even if I don't want 32 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,640 to have sex, I'm like, I feel something with you. 33 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:20,160 Yes, Yeah, Yeah, yeah. So again, I that's where I am 34 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:21,560 right now. You're keeping an open mind, 35 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,400 continuing to evolve. Yeah. 36 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,720 OK, so then let's go back to the beginning and you said you're 37 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,840 exploring your sexuality kind of late in life. 38 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:32,920 So going to the beginning, do you remember the first things 39 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:37,120 that made you aware of sex or dare I say horny or like you 40 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:41,320 know? Yeah, my, I do. 41 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:46,200 I had some. I come from a very, very, very 42 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:51,080 how do I say it? I wouldn't say we were like 43 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:56,320 overly religious, but like conservative small town in the 44 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:01,120 South where everything revolves around youth group and 45 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,360 masculinity and being good at sports and all that kind of 46 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:05,720 stuff. Did you guys have Young Life? 47 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:10,120 We I knew of what that was. We, like our youth group, was 48 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:11,800 essentially got it. Young Life, OK. 49 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,800 OK, just and it was so fucking like it's a popularity contest. 50 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:19,080 Like the coolest kids were the closest with the minister. 51 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,880 It was so gross, but. But you don't even know that. 52 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,840 Then do. You know, yeah, you're just 53 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:29,480 trying to fit in and feeling like I'm not manly enough or I'm 54 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:34,080 not popular enough or cool enough to be. 55 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,920 I never thought about that. The hierarchy within like a 56 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,360 Christian group like that also is so. 57 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,160 Fucking bad. Human and animal and like the 58 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,160 hot guys, of course, like he's got really something special to 59 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:49,360 offer, like and. And yeah, and you see, like, 60 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,520 looking back on it, I have no idea what happened behind closed 61 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:53,920 doors on any of these situations. 62 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:58,840 But like the hot dudes, the, the, at the time, the, the dudes 63 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:02,240 that were perceived as the hot guys were always closest to the 64 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,720 male youth pastors. And it was just very like, 65 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,200 looking back on it now, I'm like, I don't know. 66 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:13,960 I just again, not to stereotype anybody, but like there's a lot 67 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:19,000 of people in churches I feel like that are closet homosexuals 68 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,560 or closet something. Taking advantage of and. 69 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,160 Even if they're not knowingly taking advantage of them, it's 70 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:28,960 just like this relationship feels weirdly close, you know? 71 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:39,200 So anyway, I come from a very repressed place and I was very, 72 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:45,160 very, very confused by what was turning me on as a kid. 73 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,560 Like I remember watching this is going to sound so weird to say 74 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,760 maybe, but maybe some actually there are people out there that 75 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:56,720 I know have like related to this, but like Teen Wolf with 76 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,440 Michael J Fox. Oh my God, I thought you're 77 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:02,720 going to see the the TV show. Well, that was based on that TV. 78 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,960 Show yes. But I remember watching that at 79 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:13,200 like age 910 at my grandparents house with him in the room and 80 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,880 the scene where Michael J Fox starts turning into a werewolf. 81 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,200 I started to get a boner and I'm like what? 82 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,160 I have no idea what this means. I didn't know what a boner was. 83 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,840 I was just like, I can't, I can't like this is weird and 84 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,840 awkward and like why is this happening and. 85 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,920 Did you know instinctively not to ask an adult for help or 86 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:32,600 whatever? Oh my God, we did. 87 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,640 We did not. No, no, no. 88 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,600 So they. Didn't talk about sex, gay or 89 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:37,920 straight. It was just. 90 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:44,120 The only thing I remember about I can't remember like this was 91 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:47,000 the only conversation I really ever remember having about it 92 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:54,080 was at some point my mom. I like I asked my mom where 93 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:58,040 babies come came from and I might have been made somewhere 94 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:02,280 in that like 8910 range and she would just like bluntly states, 95 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,960 Oh well, it's when a man sticks his penis in a girl's vagina. 96 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,440 And I was like, that is not true. 97 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:08,160 There's no fucking way that's. True. 98 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:11,240 Totally. And so that's the only sexual 99 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,960 information that I received. Honestly, kudos to her for being 100 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,440 like extremely. I know blunt about it. 101 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,200 Well, when a man has feelings, he gives his gift. 102 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,000 Yes. To the garden. 103 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,480 But, and there was, I do remember at some point for a 104 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:32,960 long time it we, we had this really deep backyard and I 105 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,040 remember Joseph and Steven were convinced that an eagle brought 106 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,360 them and laid them in the backyard and that's how they 107 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,080 were won. So yeah, that's that's the 108 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,160 extent of our sexual knowledge and our. 109 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,840 Family that's really great. That's very, it was very 110 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,640 specific, very like, yes, an eagle. 111 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,360 Yeah, it's not even a stork. It was an. 112 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:57,160 Eagle Yeah, Storks are gay. Do you remember then? 113 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,280 OK, so you had this boner in front of your grandparents, not 114 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:00,600 in front. Of you not in front, but just 115 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,960 like I started to feel like, what is this feeling, you know, 116 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,880 do you? Remember like how you stumbled 117 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,600 upon like masturbation and. Orgasm. 118 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,920 It didn't come about. I didn't orgasm for the first 119 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,600 time until like junior year of high school. 120 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,720 Interesting. I remember exactly where it was 121 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:20,320 and it's fucking like again. That was the first sexual 122 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,880 feeling I remember having. And so the first time I didn't 123 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,920 even know what I was doing. Like no one taught me about 124 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:30,880 masturbation. I was not in a group like I felt 125 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,120 like. Social people. 126 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,400 Yeah, I was around jerk off or they were just talking about 127 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,640 boobs and pussy and everything and I like, didn't know what to 128 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,720 say and I just kind of, you know, faded into the background. 129 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,040 Yes. Oh yeah, I love this. 130 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:47,960 And yeah, I was watching because I guess that, like, werewolf 131 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,640 transformations apparently turned me on. 132 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:54,120 So it was Underworld, the movie with Kate Beckinsale. 133 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,480 Yes, when the dude starts turning into a werewolf. 134 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,200 I that's the first time I ejaculated. 135 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,680 Oh my. Junior of high school, I was 17. 136 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,080 Remember it vividly. And but you were fully like, 137 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,960 jerking off. I was. 138 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:06,840 Or rubbing. Yeah, rubbing. 139 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,640 Friction, but you were kind of surprised by. 140 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,720 It I yeah, I was surprised by it. 141 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,960 Yeah. I felt like, yeah, because I 142 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:23,160 didn't know anything, you know, and I, I felt like my mom was a 143 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:27,560 helicopter mom and couldn't. That was just when the Internet 144 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,320 was starting to. Become a thing, yeah. 145 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:34,559 And I know I got caught once like browser history, like 146 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:37,799 didn't know browser history was a thing and so I couldn't get 147 00:08:37,799 --> 00:08:40,520 information do. You remember what you were 148 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,000 browsing. With a generic porn, yeah, it 149 00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:46,400 was. So it started with like it. 150 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:50,000 No, it was never really porn. It was like I was a late bloomer 151 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:54,640 and so I was watching all these guys around me. 152 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,360 Turn into men. Turn into men, yeah, basically. 153 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,280 And feeling like, what's wrong with me? 154 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:06,280 Is that going to happen to me? And like, searching for puberty 155 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:10,040 stuff and searching for dudes with body hair or whatever. 156 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:14,040 And that trickled down into like, oh, these sites feel 157 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:19,040 darker, yes. So Oh my God, the family 158 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:22,000 computer. The family computer, yes. 159 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,960 Space. I remember the time that yeah, 160 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,240 like had no, like I was doing it secretly. 161 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,520 Obviously the computer was in the family living room, so I 162 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,000 could only do it when no one was home. 163 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,720 And you hear the lock click in the door. 164 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,320 Oh my gosh, yes. Tighten, yes. 165 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:41,320 Everything tightens yes, so mate, never made that mistake 166 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,040 again after that point like always clear, clear the browser 167 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,560 history selectively go, you know, take out everything 168 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:50,040 because I remember my mom pulling me aside with my 169 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,880 brothers in the room and being like what is this? 170 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:59,840 And I'm just, yeah, that was, but it wasn't ever talked about. 171 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:04,520 Like if it was, I'd associated blacked out. 172 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,160 I have no idea what exactly happened, but that I just know 173 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,480 that incident occurred. It was never said like I'm gay 174 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:15,120 or whatever. Just like that's not OK to do 175 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,200 blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And same. 176 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:22,560 I also remember little things. My mom was very, very, very, 177 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,040 very concerned about what people in the community thought of us, 178 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,400 of course. And. 179 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,680 How big was your high school class? 180 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,800 We were. My graduating class was like 181 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,040 270. OK, that's pretty big. 182 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,240 It's but it's like everyone from. 183 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,320 Yes, everyone knows everybody. Everyone knows everyone. 184 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:43,680 And I was one of three brothers and we all played sports or were 185 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,640 smart or whatever. And so both of our families from 186 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,200 from that town. So everyone kind of everyone 187 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,120 knew who we were. Everyone knew who everyone was. 188 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,960 And everyone was boys. Yes, the poor, Yes, I almost 189 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:54,880 said. I know, I know. 190 00:10:55,840 --> 00:11:00,600 Yes, exactly. So anyway, I just remember like 191 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,480 being at the Country Club pool in the summer and wanting to 192 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,400 brush a girl. Country Club, Country Club pool. 193 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,520 Yes, we it was a it was a small town Country Club, not that 194 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,720 fancy. He's rich, He's rich. 195 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:19,600 He didn't tell us he's rich. And I remember like being closer 196 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:23,400 with the girls and, or like, just like I wanted to brush the 197 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,720 girl's hair while all the boys were playing sports. 198 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:31,440 And I remember being like, my mom was like, quit doing that. 199 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:34,000 Quit doing that. Like you're like, go play with 200 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,200 the boys. Why do you always want to play 201 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,640 with the girls, blah, blah, blah, blah. 202 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,000 And. Her acting like she's never 203 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,520 heard of a gay person before. Her sister was gay. 204 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:45,040 But did they have a tumultuous relationship? 205 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,400 Or it was a it was a Don't ask, don't tell. 206 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,760 Damn. Yeah, like she had a best friend 207 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,640 that my mom fucking hated for no other reason than the fact that 208 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:55,480 she was gay. Like. 209 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:59,800 She was making her sister gay. But it wasn't even said like I 210 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,920 remember asking her one time in the car on the way to fucking 211 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,360 church is Cal is blah blah blah. I. 212 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,920 I know, I know, I know, I know. Yes, don't say names. 213 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,280 Is aunt blah blah blah gay. And my mom was like, I hope not 214 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,520 because she'd be going to hell. And so that was like, oh. 215 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,920 My. God, yes, Yes. 216 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,560 Oh my God. I had that in the back of my 217 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,640 mind all the time. Like it is not OK. 218 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,840 Did you ever, and do you ever speak to the lesbian aunt? 219 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,840 She passed away from Alzheimer's 3 years ago. 220 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,960 Oh my God. So as I I never got to have a 221 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,800 real conversation with her about it because when my grandparents 222 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:43,880 passed away in 2011, money makes people fucking crazy. 223 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,800 And so when everything was being split up, the sisters all like 224 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,160 it was my mom against the other two. 225 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:55,800 And because I have to make mom happy looking back on it like 226 00:12:55,800 --> 00:13:00,160 the other sisters were right. But I like didn't talk to her 227 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,160 for five years. And then at that point, when she 228 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:09,000 came back into our lives, she was already like, halfway, wow, 229 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:14,040 you know, gone, gone. Money yeah my my dad and his 230 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:19,480 family have since their mom passed literally legal like in 231 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,920 court and I'm like Oh my God it. Makes people fucking insane. 232 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:30,880 OK, so then talk to us about you come to Underworld and like, 233 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,720 you're a late bloomer. Yeah. 234 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:38,080 Are there any people you perceive to be queer in your 235 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:42,040 like school or like? Yes, 100% yeah. 236 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:46,720 Like I was on this one team like that's generic enough. 237 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:47,760 I. Guess yeah, yeah, yeah. 238 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:52,320 If I'm like you, could you imagine something like 37 swim 239 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:56,000 team and I'll take out the the first syllable. 240 00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:00,680 When you said that and so, yeah, like half the fucking swim team 241 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,840 were closeted homosexuals. No one was out. 242 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,120 Nobody was out. There was. 243 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,840 Talk to us about this. Is it confirmed or it's 244 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,520 suspected? Or what do you mean when you say 245 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,720 half of them were closeted? Well, now they're all out. 246 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,880 OK, yes. Do you know any of them still? 247 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:20,400 Yeah, yes, we have one of them. One of them was the most like he 248 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:26,120 was bullied the most because I could at least I practice being 249 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,040 masculine. Like I tried to cover up my 250 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:33,880 personality as much as possible to be what I was supposed to be 251 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,160 and. How did that manifest in being 252 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,280 quiet? I was very quiet. 253 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,320 I was very shy. I embarrassed very easily 254 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,920 because sometimes, like my real personality would pop out and 255 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:50,400 I'll be like, Oh no, yeah, yes. So the ones that were like had. 256 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,600 Less hidden. Yeah, were had a harder time. 257 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,880 Even amongst teammates. Were teammates mean to them? 258 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,280 Yeah. Wow, that doesn't seem good for 259 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:04,160 morale. No, it was, it was not like I 260 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:08,840 wouldn't say that they were mean to them like, but it was just, I 261 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:12,280 think we were all afraid to be too close with each other 262 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:18,280 because we didn't want anything to be perceived as like if in 263 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:22,800 this I've I look back on it and kind of hate myself for it 264 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:29,560 because like I he is perceived as gay, so I can't be close to 265 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,640 him because I need to keep myself safe. 266 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:38,240 Were some of the bullies gay? Yeah, oh, my arch nemesis in 267 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,840 high school was also gay. We were like, it was but at the 268 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,920 end, but looking back on it, like we were all fucking 269 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,720 attracted to each other, but we both had to be like we were both 270 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:52,160 vying for who's going to be the gay friend in the straight group 271 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:56,480 and only one of us can exist. And so like we're always, we 272 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,720 were both Malatorians. We're always like. 273 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:02,800 But you were gay. I we, we were both, we were both 274 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,120 closeted, but we just, you just knew that something. 275 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,480 About you. Yeah, what? 276 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,960 You are doing. We're both different, even if 277 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,960 we're not identifying what exactly it is kind of thing. 278 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:19,600 And it's just that kind of secret power dynamic. 279 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,280 We're both secretly like always trying to one up the other one, 280 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,520 you know, Which again, when I think about some of the stuff 281 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,360 that I'm into sexually, it's all power dynamics. 282 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,800 It's like control. And yes. 283 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,720 Like Dom sub, do you find yourself more in the sub role? 284 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,320 I can I find myself in both. Oh, you flip. 285 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:45,440 I can flip yes again, I, I don't have like a lot of actual 286 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:49,240 experience in real life with a lot of those dynamics because 287 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,760 I'm just starting to explore literally in the last couple of 288 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:58,640 months really. As broadly as you want about how 289 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:03,080 your sex life has been between, let's say 18 when you graduated 290 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,960 high school and 35 or. Whatever. 291 00:17:06,319 --> 00:17:15,160 So I had no sex. I was terrified. 292 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:22,079 There was how do I start this? I went to college also on the 293 00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:26,359 swim team and there was another gay dude on the swim team who is 294 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:29,920 out now and he came out earlier. Did you come out at this point? 295 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:35,440 No, I didn't come out until after college, but he and I like 296 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,280 that was the first person that like I made out with and was 297 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,400 naked with. We didn't like have sex or 298 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,960 anything like that. But and I but at the time I was 299 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,360 like mortified and terrified like what have I done? 300 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,200 This is so wrong. Oh, about doing something gay. 301 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,040 Yes. And then like, I would distance 302 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:58,160 myself from him because I was trying to fit in with the crowd 303 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,680 I was supposed to fit in. With and you're this thing, this 304 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,280 mom in the car who said your aunt's going to hell. 305 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,840 Yes, and there's we depending on if we get all into all that, 306 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,440 there's some mommy daddy relationship stuff that happened 307 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,720 as I as a kid too. That also played into like my 308 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:16,440 sexual upbringing too. But I graduated from college and 309 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,800 like, was confident that, like, I can figure out how to be 310 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,480 straight. I can figure out like, this is 311 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,400 something that I just can deal with. 312 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,400 I'll figure out how to make this life work. 313 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:30,600 Like go get a regular job, get the white picket fence, be 314 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,800 married and have kids by the time you're 25 because that's 315 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,560 what you were supposed to do. Had you hooked up with a girl 316 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,440 at? This point made out with a ton 317 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:43,840 of girls, but like, as soon as it got to the point where, you 318 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,600 know, you get to that point in the night where like something 319 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,680 else was supposed to, yeah, it's like, OK, well, good night. 320 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,240 Yes, this is fine. And then I would be awkward 321 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,880 after that because sometimes they would. 322 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,560 If somebody started to crush on me, I'd be like, Nope, can't do 323 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:01,760 that because I can't let anyone be too. 324 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:02,880 Close. I'm not into her. 325 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,400 Yes or yeah, if because I couldn't fake. 326 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,720 Yeah, the the the, the gay, the gay dudes that were able to have 327 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,000 sex with women. I'm like, how how did you do 328 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,960 that? How did that happen? 329 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:20,680 Because the guy that I hooked up with in college was his Dick in 330 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,440 anything and he had a girlfriend. 331 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:23,880 What an honor to be one of those things. 332 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,320 Exactly. I didn't get it didn't occur, 333 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,560 but like we at least, you know, fooled around or whatever. 334 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:36,800 But yeah, I was a make out whore in college because some of the 335 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,200 things I remember saying are so fucking cringe. 336 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:44,560 Like trying so hard to be perceived as straight, you know, 337 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,040 like Oh my God, I can't wait to get some pussy tonight. 338 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:52,080 I know, and the award does not. Go too and I like thinking like, 339 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,840 oh, I made out with three girls in one night, so like I people 340 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:55,840 think I'm just. Like off. 341 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:00,520 And anyway, so I graduated from college and. 342 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,760 But, you know, I would crush on girls who showed no interest in 343 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:09,960 me because that was safer, you know, and got became friends 344 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:13,280 with one of them and told her I had feelings for her, quote 345 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,400 feelings. And then she turned me down. 346 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:20,480 And I think something inside me just kind of snapped where I 347 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,040 was. It was a New Year's Eve party, 348 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:28,960 2010 to 2011, and I was hammered and at a party and whispered to 349 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,320 a friend. I think I might be gay. 350 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:34,120 I didn't actually whisper it. I announced it to the room. 351 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,080 And so I woke up the next morning thinking like, Oh my 352 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,120 God, what the fuck have I done? But everyone was like, cool, 353 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:43,640 Either we already knew, oh, wow, or no big deal, bro, no big 354 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:44,920 deal. And I was like, Oh my gosh, this 355 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:47,560 huge weight has been lifted. I don't have to after college. 356 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,360 This was after college. This was at 22. 357 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:58,160 And yeah, so then I started slowly, like at least not having 358 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:02,360 to pretend to be straight anymore, sure, but still had my 359 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:06,000 own hang ups around sex and whatnot. 360 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:13,600 And at my mom was the type that like every time we'd have a 361 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,960 phone call, she would badger me about like, why don't you have a 362 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,040 girlfriend? Why don't you have a girlfriend? 363 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,120 Are you ever going to get a Jeep? 364 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:23,160 Blow it up? And so anyway, we finally, it 365 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:28,120 finally came to a point where she was like, do you even like 366 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,560 girls? And I was like, do you want the 367 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,760 answer to that question? And she was like, no, no, no, 368 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:34,600 no, no. And then I can't remember 369 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,200 exactly the. Back and forth. 370 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:41,400 At that point, but that's when I finally was like, I'm I think 371 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:44,200 I'm gay and I blah blah blah. And see, she we were both 372 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,640 crying. So on the phone she's like, I 373 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,080 love you no matter what. Oh. 374 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,440 It gets better ish or more interesting. 375 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,280 So I was like OK, great, this is over. 376 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:59,120 The cat's out of the bag. And the next day she calls me at 377 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:01,640 work. I'm in a white collar job out of 378 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,840 college and I'm sitting at the sitting at my desk next to this 379 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,360 super ultra conservative Christian girl. 380 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:12,560 And my mom calls me. And again, you can remember the 381 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:16,600 blunt way she told me about sex. She just flat out like calls me. 382 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,600 It's like something thinking you'd really rather have a guy 383 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,680 stick his Dick in your butt then have sex with a girl. 384 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:27,040 And I just was like flabbergasted and like, I 'cause 385 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,720 I really are. Like, I don't know. 386 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:34,680 We must not be sure. So from that point, I was sent 387 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:41,440 to Christian counseling to fix. And that is an episode in 388 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,880 itself. How long did you go to 389 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:45,320 counselling and how often did it happen? 390 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:48,200 I went two times a week. Just no. 391 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,560 I only went twice. And you knew instinctively that 392 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:55,000 it wasn't for you. Well like my mom she's like I'll 393 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,440 pay for it or whatever. So she gave me money to go like 394 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:05,200 5 times and after the second time I had the courage or like 395 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,960 the I've lived my life in a box. I do not want to go back in. 396 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:10,760 I'm not doing this. Anymore I want to. 397 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:16,040 Do this, and we had a family friend who was also very, very, 398 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,920 very religious and kind of like a second mother to figure to me 399 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,000 growing up and I think was whispering in my mom's ear. 400 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,960 She told. Like I remember having a phone 401 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:26,640 call with her. If you love me, you'll go at 402 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,120 least three more times. And so the. 403 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:30,640 Woman said that? Yes, the one that said that to 404 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:32,440 me. So nebulative as hell. 405 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:38,920 Yes, yes, anyway, so. So you flee So. 406 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:49,200 I flee that and yeah, I spend most of my age, 22 through 27, 407 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,720 drinking myself to death. And that's when I started. 408 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:58,760 Like, I know I don't. I'm 99% sure I had no sex, but 409 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:04,280 like, I blacked out a lot and would end up in people's beds 410 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,040 with my clothes off. And I have no idea what 411 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,880 happened. I don't think anything happened, 412 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:14,240 but I'll never know. So when you did wake up in these 413 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:19,960 situations, was it like a scary thing? 414 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,000 It was a shameful thing. OK, OK, it was a shame. 415 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:26,680 OK, good. Oh. 416 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:27,640 Sure. Yeah, Yeah, yeah. 417 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,840 Let's just. Oh, no, it's OK. 418 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,600 Yeah. We'll just change spaces. 419 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:36,720 I kind of forget what we had just said. 420 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:39,720 You fled. I fled, Yes. 421 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,040 And I'll be back on. Yeah. 422 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:50,440 So to make a Long story short, I lost my virginity in 2014 New 423 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,600 York City. It was New Year's Eve blackout. 424 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,040 No, I was not blackout. This I got, I met this guy on 425 00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:03,640 Tinder super hot and I was just kind of like I wasn't dying to 426 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:07,240 have sex, but I was just like, I just want to check the box and 427 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,160 if that was me too, I just want to be over. 428 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,440 With this, I got to get this. I got to get over I'm. 429 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,320 Ready to RIP the Band-Aid off. I'm tired of telling people I've 430 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:14,400 never done it before. Whatever. 431 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,760 And so we had sex. He wanted me to top him. 432 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:27,960 And it was like, honestly, not a great experience. 433 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,160 He. It smelled the whole time. 434 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:36,880 Oh yeah. And at the end, like little, you 435 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,680 know, Hershey's kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 436 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,520 Shit ended up on my stomach and that kind of like, which is 437 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,800 again a very normal, natural thing to happen. 438 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:49,640 But for me, for my first time, I like I didn't have sex again 439 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:54,680 after that till 2023, so nine years after that. 440 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,360 Are we talking anal or like anything? 441 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:02,520 Wow. Yes, so also in 2015, I, I 442 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,800 sucked this, I sucked, I sucked a guy's Dick. 443 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:10,400 And then immediately after that I started to get sore throat, 444 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,840 sore throat and it turns out I got HPV on my vocal cords. 445 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:16,080 Oh my God. And had to have surgery. 446 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,800 I've had like 8 of them now. All stemming from. 447 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,920 I'm told it's not it. I'm told that it can happen 448 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,840 without that. The timing of it was just weird. 449 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,680 So like I'll never know if that's where it came from or 450 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:32,560 not, but I was because that happened. 451 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,960 That was in 2015. I just got in my mind, I was 452 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,840 like, OK, some people are not meant to have sex and I'm one of 453 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,160 them. And I just like isolated myself 454 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:46,840 and threw myself into work and didn't do anything until I left 455 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:52,240 my conservative state and started exploring life outside 456 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:53,840 of my little bubble and realized. 457 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,240 There's more out there. There's not do do on every 458 00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,280 chest. Yes. 459 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:01,920 There's not HPV on every. Day people can be nice to you, 460 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:05,280 you know, like this is what this is what being taken care of 461 00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,080 feels like or this is what like an actual connection feels like, 462 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,560 you know? Well, there's that thing of 463 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:13,080 like, when you're looking for like, comfort from a group of 464 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,480 people who aren't comforting themselves like other closet 465 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,480 people like. And that's what they're trying. 466 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,480 To do, to be. Yes, yes. 467 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,640 Like that. I was just surrounded by people 468 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,680 that I could see, like we're looking at each other, but we're 469 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:28,400 not saying anything. Totally. 470 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,720 Because we're all afraid of, you know. 471 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:33,120 It's a different kind of blackout where you're like. 472 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,360 Yes, yes, yes, yes. You're not being, you're 473 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,280 genuine. So much of my happiness has come 474 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,000 from being my genuine self, which obviously is very scary 475 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:45,080 and takes constant like taking inventory and like, am I being 476 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,720 honest? I'm lying right now. 477 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,640 Do I want to be here? And I have to usually err on the 478 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,960 side of like, Oh no, I like, don't want to be here. 479 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,280 There's 20% of me that doesn't want to be here, so let's just 480 00:27:55,320 --> 00:28:00,120 fucking go, yes? Yes, 1000% and I just figured 481 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:02,440 that out later in life, you know? 482 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:05,960 Hey, literally better late than never. 100% yeah. 483 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:10,120 These last couple years getting to like, it feels like I'm still 484 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:11,920 kind of dipping in my toe in the water. 485 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:15,120 Like I feel like I'm living my middle school experience and my 486 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,960 mid to late 30s It's. A lot of the gay experience. 487 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,600 Yes, they said. Peter Pan's been. 488 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:22,120 Grown very. Much we were we were not 489 00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:26,720 afforded the passing notes, dance school dances, first 490 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,240 kisses on like the bleachers, like it just didn't happen for 491 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:31,760 us. So I think we do seek it out and 492 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,720 but honestly, it's a fun way to live though at the same time. 493 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,640 Which way? Like the like finding little 494 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:40,680 innocent moments of like pleasure in like adulthood, 495 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:43,960 'cause I think a lot of St. People did that thing you did 496 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:48,720 where they got married at 20, two had three kids by 25, and 497 00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:52,440 they're not out there on these streets figuring themselves out 498 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,560 and learning what makes. Them and they're going through 499 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:56,560 the motions like they're all unhappy. 500 00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:58,840 Not all of them. I know, I know, but like. 501 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:00,680 So many of them, just like they're going through the 502 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:03,360 motions and. It can happen both ways because 503 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:06,400 they had all that good stuff front loaded and you had to wait 504 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,840 for yours. And that's I've really come to 505 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:12,320 terms with the fact that like, even though, yeah, you know, we 506 00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:17,800 missed out on a lot growing up, some people experience more or 507 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:21,840 less than others or whatever. I am so fucking thankful to be 508 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,360 who I am. You get it now. 509 00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:26,880 Yes. And I look at the people that I 510 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:30,240 thought had it all growing up and I'm like, oh, you're the 511 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:33,440 same. So dead inside a lot of. 512 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:34,880 Fear. A lot of anger, a lot of yes. 513 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:36,600 Yes, yes, yes. So. 514 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,840 Looking forward because we'll I'm with this. 515 00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:41,440 Well, two things looking forward. 516 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:45,240 What are like your hopes for like your sexual journey? 517 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:49,600 I would love to be able to finish with somebody. 518 00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:53,960 I have never been able to come with anybody. 519 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,920 With anyone else in the room? So you do have orgasms, correct? 520 00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,400 But alone? Alone. 521 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:01,560 And if you had to diagnose this, assuming you haven't been 522 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:03,480 diagnosed with something, is it a mental? 523 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,080 Block, It's a combination of both. 524 00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:07,760 I think there's a mental issue, I think there's a cyclot, 525 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,360 there's a mental issue and there's a physical issue, 'cause 526 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:14,080 I erection started to become painful like five years ago. 527 00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:19,200 And I saw, I've seen like 3 different urologists, pelvic 528 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:23,280 floor therapists, basically I just carry a lot of tension in 529 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,120 that part of my body. And so I'm still actively 530 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:27,320 working. On that, you're painful when 531 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,720 you're by yourself, Yes. Wow, yes. 532 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:31,720 Still painful by myself. OK. 533 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:35,960 And so I'm so there's pain, there's pain, but I, there's a 534 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:37,360 part of me that gets off on the pain. 535 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:42,400 Really. But adding another person into 536 00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:45,560 the mix? Makes it really, I think there's 537 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,720 just a lot of shame around what turns me on. 538 00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:49,840 And so like even being able to sit here and have the 539 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:53,920 conversation of like, again, a whole nother episode, we can 540 00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:58,720 talk about some of that stuff. Just like learning that you 541 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:00,680 can't control what turns you want. 542 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:02,840 You can't turn, you can't control what arouses you. 543 00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:05,720 You can't control where these kinks develop because it all 544 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:09,120 just is from experiences that you had during your sexual 545 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:13,680 awakening and whatever. And so it's just learning to let 546 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:18,160 someone in enough to be like, this is what I need vulnerable. 547 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:24,040 This is what I need to get off and I'm just practicing you 548 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:28,240 know, my brain tells me I'm safe on my body says like no still. 549 00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:30,320 So it's just learning to connect the two better the. 550 00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:33,160 Body keeps the score, vibes beautiful. 551 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,080 And then the last thing is, what's some advice you give to 552 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,880 the younger version of yourself before they began this sexual 553 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:44,960 journey? There's nothing wrong with you. 554 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:50,480 You're fucking perfect exactly the way that you are. 555 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:56,640 And look in the mirror and just like, look at what you've got 556 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:59,720 and look at what you've done and look at how much people fucking 557 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:03,320 love you. Let them see that person. 558 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:05,880 Yeah, that's what I would. Say, let you see that person. 559 00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:10,840 Let me, I've I, yes, let myself look in the mirror and see what 560 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:11,800 other people will. See. 561 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:13,720 Yes, brilliant. Yes. 562 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,040 Well, thanks for doing this and absolutely we'll have you back 563 00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:21,560 for another one and we can get like to the next level layer of 564 00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:23,400 the onion. And maybe I'll have more to 565 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,400 report by then, so. All right, until next time, keep 566 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:33,120 sucking and fucking. Hello, Tower Bottoms. 567 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,000 It's me, your host, Zach Newey Towers. 568 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:37,280 Thank you so much for listening to Good Side Pod. 569 00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:40,400 If you haven't already, give it a five star rating. 570 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,200 Leave a review, share it with a friend, get the word out. 571 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:44,360 I love you so much.