Hey there, I'm Diane Russell and I'm also known as Silver
Disobedience. Welcome to my podcast.
Today I want to talk about a concept that's thrown around a
lot, which is setting boundaries.
And when someone all of a sudden says, well, today I'm going to
set some boundaries in this, in my relationship, wherever that
relationship is, whether home, with friends or work.
Often people start to get pissed off pretty quickly and angry
because they feel like new rules are being drawn, lines are being
put in the sand, You know, you cross this, you're not my
friend. So what I want to talk about
today is how to set boundaries so everyone can walk away happy,
effectively communicating our boundaries to colleagues,
friends, family, lovers, will. It's very important and it's
important to ensure when we are expressing our boundaries that
and our needs that respect is held throughout all
communication and boundaries are important so we can be
respectful to one another and maintain healthy balance in our
lives. So today I want to share 1st I'm
going to share some tips to communicate your boundaries and
then I'm going to talk about how to make it a win win for
everyone. So #1, If you have decided it's
time to set some boundaries, you have to take some time to
reflect on what your boundaries are and why they're important to
you. You need to understand what
activities or situations are causing the stress or
encroaching on your well-being. It's making you feel you need to
set boundaries. So this self-awareness in doing
this exercise to start will help you communicate your boundaries
more effectively going forward and into any conversations you
have to have. So it's important #2 it's
important when you start to communicate your boundaries that
you do it in a straightforward and specific manner using I
statements, I statements is really important here to state
your needs and preferences. For example, you know you don't
want to be saying you always interrupt me when I'm working or
when I'm doing this or that. Instead, an effective
communication would be I need uninterrupted time to focus on
my work or whatever I need to do during these hours.
So could we establish specific hours when I get to work without
any interruptions? You know, that's a good example
because a lot of people are working from home these days or
back to the office and they've forgotten office protocol.
So another one is #3 is it's important to find an appropriate
time and place to have these conversations about your
boundaries. An appropriate time and place
means that it's convenient for everyone who's in the
conversation. You and you want to avoid
discussing sensitive topics in the midst of a busy or stressful
situation when there's chaos going on.
That is not the time to say I need this, it's just not the
time. You need to choose a calm and
private setting and moment where you can have open and honest
communication and conversation without any distractions. #4 is
clearly explain why your boundaries are important to you.
It someone may not understand why you need to eat your dinner
before 7:00 PM because you want to be able to digest properly
because, and that's just another example, because boundaries can
involve anything. They don't have to be mega
serious. They can just be something
that's personal to us that we really want to be heard in the
relationships that we're in. So it's important that we be,
are are articulate in how we express how a particular request
we're making, which is another way to say boundary which can
can be perceived a little hostilely and how the request
we're making will contribute to our well-being.
We want to help others understand the benefits that
will come from respecting our boundaries.
By explaining what the reasons are behind our boundaries, we
can develop greater understanding and empathy from
the other party, which benefits our mutual relationship going
forward. For example, when I used to tell
my kids I don't do homework after 8:00 PM, things got a lot
more organized around our house. I was just, this was when they
were young, younger, and they needed homework help.
I was just too fried from work. I knew that we would end up in a
fight. I would be testy and I didn't
want to be testy. Then I would go to bed feeling
guilty. So I just said, listen, we got
to get home. We have to eat dinner, we have
to be organized, and we got to get homework done right away.
You know, it can't linger. So if you have any questions,
let's be organized and let's get it done.
That was my approach with parenting.
It was a boundary I set that made everything become more
pleasant because everybody was tired past 8:00.
Number 5, you want to practice assertive communication, and you
want to do this by expressing your boundaries with confidence,
but respect and clarity as well. Maintaining a calm and composed
demeanor is important. You want to avoid being
aggressive or defensive. You know that just turns
somebody off and turns off their ears at the same time.
So being assertive but direct in a really kind, nice way helps
ensure that your message can be heard and understood without
damaging the relationships where you're hoping to create a
compromise. So let's to get into compromise,
because that's my point number six.
In some cases finding a middle ground is going to be necessary.
You might have to alter all offer alternatives or
compromises on some level to find a mutual level of
understanding and comfort for both or multiple parties.
So you have to be willing to discuss potential solutions that
respect both your boundaries and the needs of others because life
is a two way St. It would be really be nice if we
could just declare everything we want and everyone would just
step aside and listen. But that's not how it works.
So finding mutually beneficial arrangements, just like I gave
with the homework example, everyone's homework was done by
8:00 because we all wanted to have a more pleasant evening and
relax for the next couple of hours before going to bed.
So maintaining that positive and directness and willingness to
compromise can really help maintain positive relationships
when new requests are being made #7 is reinforcement of your
request will be necessary and you may have to reinforce it,
but it should always be done in a calm, cool, firm manner.
To reset patterns, you're going to need to consistently
reinforce your boundaries by being consistent yourself with
your words and actions. So if I said going back to the
homework example, homework stops at 8:00.
If you want Mom's help, then if 9:00 comes and I cave and start
to help, then you know what? I'm really not teaching a
lesson, so that could be with children.
But you know, we learn best when we've been you know, there's a
consequence for not following through with someone.
So if someone repeatedly violates your boundaries, you're
going to have to calmly remind them of what your limits are and
the importance you feel of having those respected now.
People don't like being told what to do or how they have to
change or adapt. So #8 is you have to really get
prepared for resistance because you're going to get it.
Not everyone will immediately understand or respect your
boundaries, so if you're prepared for resistance or maybe
a little push back, especially if your boundaries are differ
from what are they're used to, you'll be more ready to address
them. But you can stand firm in your
convictions and you can reiterate the importance of
having these boundaries and why so effective communication.
What I'm trying to get across here is that it's a two way
process, so you need to listen attentively to the concerns of
others and their needs as well and be open to them as you're
open to finding compromises for yourself and them when
appropriate or necessary. By encouraging open and
respectful communication, you can establish all kinds of
healthy new boundaries or parameters to your relationship
and make your relationships more positive in both your personal
and professional life. So now let's dig into this
further. What if you have to negotiate
your boundaries because there's a deep rutted pattern that's
been set? You know, one of my favorite
movies that addressed this was some kind of monster with
Metallica, where they were you, You know, the band was used to
showing up in the studio at 4:00 in the afternoon.
And James Hatfield, after he had gone through a sobriety program,
said no, no, no. I need to work between 9:00 and
5:00. I have to get to bed at a
certain time. I have to eat at a certain time.
I have to spend time with my family.
And the band was like, what We've been doing this for X
number of years. If there is a deep pattern, it's
going to need negotiating and a lot of explaining and
clarification so you don't just alienate everyone.
And you remember that you're all working for a mutual good
purpose in your life and a team. So finding common ground when
you're negotiating boundaries involves communication, empathy,
and a willingness to understand and respect that other people
have needs too. So here are some strategies for
finding common ground. Number one, get ready to
actively listen to the concerns, perspectives, and needs of the
other party. You want to demonstrate your
empathy by understanding the points their their their point
of view without judgement. So by either party, when you're
trying to negotiate new parameters, this creates a
foundation of mutual respect and understanding. #2 You want to
expect to have have to clarify your needs and the expectations
in a non condemning way. OK, you have to clearly
articulate your needs and your expectations, and encourage the
other party to do the same. This means taking the time to
express why certain boundaries are important to you, and to
listen to the other party's reasons as well.
If you can do this, this will allow for better understanding
of each other's motivations behind a request.
Sometimes if people ask for something and you immediately go
to this place, you know inside you that's dark and you think
it's you're being alienated or you take it personally when that
is often not the case. In fact, it's usually just the
other person saying this is what I need.
It's not all about you, it's about them.
Which is also when you're communicating things, things I
messages are very important. Three the best times.
The best goal sometimes is to know you're going for a
compromise. Look for areas of overlap or
potential compromises that can really address both parties
needs. You want to explore solutions
that may satisfy both sides to find a middle ground.
So this could involve brainstorming together and
saying how can we creatively solve this issue together.
Creative problem solving is a skill that will help you in
every aspect of your life. It's a practice worth honing
for. Starting with a list of
boundaries and starting any conversation with there's 12345
things I need right now is rarely effective.
Nobody likes to be bombarded with a machine gun type approach
of relationship. Instead, you will want to
prioritize those boundaries that are most important to you.
You know you have to determine and accurately articulate what
the boundaries are that are non negotiable for you.
But also you've got to be willing to be flexible on less
clitter, less critical matters and identify the boundaries that
are most important to you. So make a priorities list, say.
These might be all the things that are annoying me, but if I
had to start with one, this would be the one at the top.
This way you can communicate priorities and start to get
moving, get the dance going a little differently between you
and whoever else is concerned #5 is that you always want to be
open to exploring win win solutions because there are win
win so you want to aim for solutions that benefit everyone
involved. So knowing you may be asking for
something and the other one person may say great, well this
is what I need. So you have to look for outcomes
that meet the core needs of both sides, all parties, even if they
require some adjustments or accommodations in the process.
So by framing the negotiation as a collaborative effort, it
becomes far more likely that you will find a satisfactory common
ground that makes you both feel peaceful, heard, acknowledged,
and loved. Number six, you have to be
willing to give and take. That's what relationships are
about, Whether it's business work in any way of life.
It's give and take. Negotiations involve compromise,
so be prepared to make concessions as well.
So while it's important to stand firm on your boundaries, be open
to finding a balance that acknowledges the needs and
boundaries that will likely also be expressed by others.
This reciprocity? Excuse me fosters a spirit of
cooperation in the relationship and increases the chances again
of finding a positive common ground to go forward #7 You want
to maintain open communication and try your best not to blame,
attack and get emotional. You want to avoid getting
emotional, just keep the lines of communication factual and
open throughout the negotiating process because again, it is a
negotiation that you are entering.
So encouraging ongoing dialogue and check insurance to ensure
that the degrade upon boundaries are being respected and to
address any concerns as they may arise is paramount.
And it's good communication #8. If you really want to focus on
the long term benefits for everybody, emphasize the
benefits of what you are proposing and the benefits of
finding the common ground. Highlight how a mutually
satisfactorily satisfactory solution can improve the
relationship, enhance well-being and contribute to a positive and
harmonious environment for everyone involved.
If I said listen, I need to be in bed by 935 nights out of
seven and I need to be able to read for 1/2 an hour before I go
to bed or whatever, my, you know, if I'm expressing this, I
can express to people I am going to be much more pleasant in the
morning when you want to talk about whatever you want to talk
about if I got a good night's sleep.
So again, if you can express your boundaries or the
parameters of what you need with a quid pro quo, this is what
you're going to get from it. If I when I get this, you're
heading towards a win, win, compromise.
So remember, as I said earlier, setting boundaries is a
negotiation and learning negotiation skills are really
important. I know a lot of people that tell
me they're great negotiators, yet their relationships are
falling apart. So maybe you're a great
negotiator at work, but you need to be a great negotiator in
other areas of your life as well if you really want to have
balance and feel happier. It's a collaborative process,
life and finding common ground. Hey, it's going to require
flexibility and it's going to involve creativity like any deal
we try to make. But if the relationship is
important, all you, the other person, you will find a way to
find a way. So by active listening, seeking
compromise, prioritizing open communication throughout the
change that you are going to be initiating, you can increase the
likelihood of mutually reaching beneficial understandings that
honor everyone's boundaries. So I want to thank you for
tuning in. I'm Diane Grissel.
I'm also known as Silver Disobedience, so please hit the
subscribe button if you enjoyed this podcast.
I am a perception analyst and I'm a hypnotherapist.
I work with private clients, both individuals and companies
all over the world. I do it in my office, I do it
online. I do it by FaceTime.
But my goal is to help people understand and achieve greater
understanding as to how our perceptions impact everything we
do, whether personally or professionally.
On this podcast I share actionable ideas which are free
and you can go to my website dianegrissel.com and you can
also follow my social media accounts which are either under
Diane Grissel or Silver Disobedience and you'll find new
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I hope you enjoyed this podcast. I hope you share it and I hope
you tell your friends. Thanks a lot again.
Diane Grissel signing off. Take care.
Have a great day.