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Hey there, I'm Diane Russell and
I'm also known as Silver 

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Disobedience. 
Welcome to my podcast. 

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Today I want to talk about a 
concept that's thrown around a 

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lot, which is setting 
boundaries. 

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And when someone all of a sudden
says, well, today I'm going to 

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set some boundaries in this, in 
my relationship, wherever that 

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relationship is, whether home, 
with friends or work. 

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Often people start to get pissed
off pretty quickly and angry 

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because they feel like new rules
are being drawn, lines are being

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put in the sand, You know, you 
cross this, you're not my 

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friend. 
So what I want to talk about 

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today is how to set boundaries 
so everyone can walk away happy,

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effectively communicating our 
boundaries to colleagues, 

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friends, family, lovers, will. 
It's very important and it's 

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important to ensure when we are 
expressing our boundaries that 

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and our needs that respect is 
held throughout all 

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communication and boundaries are
important so we can be 

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respectful to one another and 
maintain healthy balance in our 

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lives. 
So today I want to share 1st I'm

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going to share some tips to 
communicate your boundaries and 

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then I'm going to talk about how
to make it a win win for 

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everyone. 
So #1, If you have decided it's 

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time to set some boundaries, you
have to take some time to 

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reflect on what your boundaries 
are and why they're important to

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you. 
You need to understand what 

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activities or situations are 
causing the stress or 

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encroaching on your well-being. 
It's making you feel you need to

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set boundaries. 
So this self-awareness in doing 

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this exercise to start will help
you communicate your boundaries 

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more effectively going forward 
and into any conversations you 

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have to have. 
So it's important #2 it's 

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important when you start to 
communicate your boundaries that

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you do it in a straightforward 
and specific manner using I 

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statements, I statements is 
really important here to state 

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your needs and preferences. 
For example, you know you don't 

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want to be saying you always 
interrupt me when I'm working or

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when I'm doing this or that. 
Instead, an effective 

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communication would be I need 
uninterrupted time to focus on 

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my work or whatever I need to do
during these hours. 

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So could we establish specific 
hours when I get to work without

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any interruptions? 
You know, that's a good example 

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because a lot of people are 
working from home these days or 

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back to the office and they've 
forgotten office protocol. 

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So another one is #3 is it's 
important to find an appropriate

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time and place to have these 
conversations about your 

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boundaries. 
An appropriate time and place 

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means that it's convenient for 
everyone who's in the 

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conversation. 
You and you want to avoid 

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discussing sensitive topics in 
the midst of a busy or stressful

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situation when there's chaos 
going on. 

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That is not the time to say I 
need this, it's just not the 

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time. 
You need to choose a calm and 

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private setting and moment where
you can have open and honest 

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communication and conversation 
without any distractions. #4 is 

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clearly explain why your 
boundaries are important to you.

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It someone may not understand 
why you need to eat your dinner 

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before 7:00 PM because you want 
to be able to digest properly 

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because, and that's just another
example, because boundaries can 

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involve anything. 
They don't have to be mega 

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serious. 
They can just be something 

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that's personal to us that we 
really want to be heard in the 

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relationships that we're in. 
So it's important that we be, 

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are are articulate in how we 
express how a particular request

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we're making, which is another 
way to say boundary which can 

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can be perceived a little 
hostilely and how the request 

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we're making will contribute to 
our well-being. 

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We want to help others 
understand the benefits that 

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will come from respecting our 
boundaries. 

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By explaining what the reasons 
are behind our boundaries, we 

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can develop greater 
understanding and empathy from 

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the other party, which benefits 
our mutual relationship going 

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forward. 
For example, when I used to tell

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my kids I don't do homework 
after 8:00 PM, things got a lot 

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more organized around our house.
I was just, this was when they 

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were young, younger, and they 
needed homework help. 

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I was just too fried from work. 
I knew that we would end up in a

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fight. 
I would be testy and I didn't 

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want to be testy. 
Then I would go to bed feeling 

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guilty. 
So I just said, listen, we got 

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to get home. 
We have to eat dinner, we have 

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to be organized, and we got to 
get homework done right away. 

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You know, it can't linger. 
So if you have any questions, 

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let's be organized and let's get
it done. 

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That was my approach with 
parenting. 

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It was a boundary I set that 
made everything become more 

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pleasant because everybody was 
tired past 8:00. 

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Number 5, you want to practice 
assertive communication, and you

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want to do this by expressing 
your boundaries with confidence,

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but respect and clarity as well.
Maintaining a calm and composed 

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demeanor is important. 
You want to avoid being 

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aggressive or defensive. 
You know that just turns 

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somebody off and turns off their
ears at the same time. 

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So being assertive but direct in
a really kind, nice way helps 

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ensure that your message can be 
heard and understood without 

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damaging the relationships where
you're hoping to create a 

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compromise. 
So let's to get into compromise,

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because that's my point number 
six. 

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In some cases finding a middle 
ground is going to be necessary.

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You might have to alter all 
offer alternatives or 

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compromises on some level to 
find a mutual level of 

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understanding and comfort for 
both or multiple parties. 

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So you have to be willing to 
discuss potential solutions that

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respect both your boundaries and
the needs of others because life

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is a two way St. 
It would be really be nice if we

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could just declare everything we
want and everyone would just 

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step aside and listen. 
But that's not how it works. 

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So finding mutually beneficial 
arrangements, just like I gave 

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with the homework example, 
everyone's homework was done by 

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8:00 because we all wanted to 
have a more pleasant evening and

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relax for the next couple of 
hours before going to bed. 

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So maintaining that positive and
directness and willingness to 

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compromise can really help 
maintain positive relationships 

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when new requests are being made
#7 is reinforcement of your 

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request will be necessary and 
you may have to reinforce it, 

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but it should always be done in 
a calm, cool, firm manner. 

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To reset patterns, you're going 
to need to consistently 

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reinforce your boundaries by 
being consistent yourself with 

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your words and actions. 
So if I said going back to the 

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homework example, homework stops
at 8:00. 

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If you want Mom's help, then if 
9:00 comes and I cave and start 

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to help, then you know what? 
I'm really not teaching a 

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lesson, so that could be with 
children. 

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But you know, we learn best when
we've been you know, there's a 

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consequence for not following 
through with someone. 

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So if someone repeatedly 
violates your boundaries, you're

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going to have to calmly remind 
them of what your limits are and

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the importance you feel of 
having those respected now. 

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People don't like being told 
what to do or how they have to 

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change or adapt. 
So #8 is you have to really get 

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prepared for resistance because 
you're going to get it. 

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Not everyone will immediately 
understand or respect your 

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boundaries, so if you're 
prepared for resistance or maybe

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a little push back, especially 
if your boundaries are differ 

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from what are they're used to, 
you'll be more ready to address 

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them. 
But you can stand firm in your 

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convictions and you can 
reiterate the importance of 

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having these boundaries and why 
so effective communication. 

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What I'm trying to get across 
here is that it's a two way 

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process, so you need to listen 
attentively to the concerns of 

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others and their needs as well 
and be open to them as you're 

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open to finding compromises for 
yourself and them when 

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appropriate or necessary. 
By encouraging open and 

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respectful communication, you 
can establish all kinds of 

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healthy new boundaries or 
parameters to your relationship 

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and make your relationships more
positive in both your personal 

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and professional life. 
So now let's dig into this 

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further. 
What if you have to negotiate 

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your boundaries because there's 
a deep rutted pattern that's 

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been set? 
You know, one of my favorite 

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movies that addressed this was 
some kind of monster with 

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Metallica, where they were you, 
You know, the band was used to 

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showing up in the studio at 4:00
in the afternoon. 

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And James Hatfield, after he had
gone through a sobriety program,

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said no, no, no. 
I need to work between 9:00 and 

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5:00. 
I have to get to bed at a 

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certain time. 
I have to eat at a certain time.

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I have to spend time with my 
family. 

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And the band was like, what 
We've been doing this for X 

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number of years. 
If there is a deep pattern, it's

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going to need negotiating and a 
lot of explaining and 

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clarification so you don't just 
alienate everyone. 

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And you remember that you're all
working for a mutual good 

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purpose in your life and a team.
So finding common ground when 

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you're negotiating boundaries 
involves communication, empathy,

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and a willingness to understand 
and respect that other people 

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have needs too. 
So here are some strategies for 

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finding common ground. 
Number one, get ready to 

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actively listen to the concerns,
perspectives, and needs of the 

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other party. 
You want to demonstrate your 

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empathy by understanding the 
points their their their point 

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of view without judgement. 
So by either party, when you're 

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trying to negotiate new 
parameters, this creates a 

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foundation of mutual respect and
understanding. #2 You want to 

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expect to have have to clarify 
your needs and the expectations 

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in a non condemning way. 
OK, you have to clearly 

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articulate your needs and your 
expectations, and encourage the 

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other party to do the same. 
This means taking the time to 

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express why certain boundaries 
are important to you, and to 

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listen to the other party's 
reasons as well. 

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If you can do this, this will 
allow for better understanding 

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of each other's motivations 
behind a request. 

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Sometimes if people ask for 
something and you immediately go

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to this place, you know inside 
you that's dark and you think 

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it's you're being alienated or 
you take it personally when that

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is often not the case. 
In fact, it's usually just the 

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other person saying this is what
I need. 

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It's not all about you, it's 
about them. 

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Which is also when you're 
communicating things, things I 

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messages are very important. 
Three the best times. 

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The best goal sometimes is to 
know you're going for a 

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compromise. 
Look for areas of overlap or 

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potential compromises that can 
really address both parties 

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needs. 
You want to explore solutions 

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that may satisfy both sides to 
find a middle ground. 

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So this could involve 
brainstorming together and 

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saying how can we creatively 
solve this issue together. 

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Creative problem solving is a 
skill that will help you in 

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every aspect of your life. 
It's a practice worth honing 

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for. 
Starting with a list of 

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boundaries and starting any 
conversation with there's 12345 

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things I need right now is 
rarely effective. 

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Nobody likes to be bombarded 
with a machine gun type approach

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of relationship. 
Instead, you will want to 

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prioritize those boundaries that
are most important to you. 

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You know you have to determine 
and accurately articulate what 

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the boundaries are that are non 
negotiable for you. 

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But also you've got to be 
willing to be flexible on less 

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clitter, less critical matters 
and identify the boundaries that

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are most important to you. 
So make a priorities list, say. 

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These might be all the things 
that are annoying me, but if I 

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had to start with one, this 
would be the one at the top. 

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This way you can communicate 
priorities and start to get 

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moving, get the dance going a 
little differently between you 

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and whoever else is concerned #5
is that you always want to be 

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open to exploring win win 
solutions because there are win 

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win so you want to aim for 
solutions that benefit everyone 

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involved. 
So knowing you may be asking for

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something and the other one 
person may say great, well this 

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is what I need. 
So you have to look for outcomes

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that meet the core needs of both
sides, all parties, even if they

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require some adjustments or 
accommodations in the process. 

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So by framing the negotiation as
a collaborative effort, it 

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becomes far more likely that you
will find a satisfactory common 

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ground that makes you both feel 
peaceful, heard, acknowledged, 

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and loved. 
Number six, you have to be 

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willing to give and take. 
That's what relationships are 

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about, Whether it's business 
work in any way of life. 

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It's give and take. 
Negotiations involve compromise,

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so be prepared to make 
concessions as well. 

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So while it's important to stand
firm on your boundaries, be open

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to finding a balance that 
acknowledges the needs and 

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boundaries that will likely also
be expressed by others. 

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This reciprocity? 
Excuse me fosters a spirit of 

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cooperation in the relationship 
and increases the chances again 

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of finding a positive common 
ground to go forward #7 You want

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to maintain open communication 
and try your best not to blame, 

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attack and get emotional. 
You want to avoid getting 

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emotional, just keep the lines 
of communication factual and 

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open throughout the negotiating 
process because again, it is a 

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negotiation that you are 
entering. 

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So encouraging ongoing dialogue 
and check insurance to ensure 

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that the degrade upon boundaries
are being respected and to 

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address any concerns as they may
arise is paramount. 

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And it's good communication #8. 
If you really want to focus on 

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the long term benefits for 
everybody, emphasize the 

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benefits of what you are 
proposing and the benefits of 

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finding the common ground. 
Highlight how a mutually 

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satisfactorily satisfactory 
solution can improve the 

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relationship, enhance well-being
and contribute to a positive and

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harmonious environment for 
everyone involved. 

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If I said listen, I need to be 
in bed by 935 nights out of 

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seven and I need to be able to 
read for 1/2 an hour before I go

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to bed or whatever, my, you 
know, if I'm expressing this, I 

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can express to people I am going
to be much more pleasant in the 

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morning when you want to talk 
about whatever you want to talk 

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about if I got a good night's 
sleep. 

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So again, if you can express 
your boundaries or the 

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parameters of what you need with
a quid pro quo, this is what 

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you're going to get from it. 
If I when I get this, you're 

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heading towards a win, win, 
compromise. 

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So remember, as I said earlier, 
setting boundaries is a 

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negotiation and learning 
negotiation skills are really 

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important. 
I know a lot of people that tell

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me they're great negotiators, 
yet their relationships are 

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falling apart. 
So maybe you're a great 

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negotiator at work, but you need
to be a great negotiator in 

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other areas of your life as well
if you really want to have 

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balance and feel happier. 
It's a collaborative process, 

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life and finding common ground. 
Hey, it's going to require 

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flexibility and it's going to 
involve creativity like any deal

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we try to make. 
But if the relationship is 

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important, all you, the other 
person, you will find a way to 

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find a way. 
So by active listening, seeking 

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compromise, prioritizing open 
communication throughout the 

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change that you are going to be 
initiating, you can increase the

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likelihood of mutually reaching 
beneficial understandings that 

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honor everyone's boundaries. 
So I want to thank you for 

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tuning in. 
I'm Diane Grissel. 

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I'm also known as Silver 
Disobedience, so please hit the 

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subscribe button if you enjoyed 
this podcast. 

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I am a perception analyst and 
I'm a hypnotherapist. 

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I work with private clients, 
both individuals and companies 

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all over the world. 
I do it in my office, I do it 

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online. 
I do it by FaceTime. 

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But my goal is to help people 
understand and achieve greater 

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understanding as to how our 
perceptions impact everything we

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do, whether personally or 
professionally. 

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On this podcast I share 
actionable ideas which are free 

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00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,440
and you can go to my website 
dianegrissel.com and you can 

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00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,400
also follow my social media 
accounts which are either under 

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00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:08,640
Diane Grissel or Silver 
Disobedience and you'll find new

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00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:13,440
posts daily and again. 
I hope you subscribe. 

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I hope you enjoyed this podcast.
I hope you share it and I hope 

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00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,600
you tell your friends. 
Thanks a lot again. 

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Diane Grissel signing off. 
Take care. 

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Have a great day.