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The Pattern for marriage on page
47 has this opening paragraph, 

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which is just what the session 
is about. 

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It says a wife has one driving 
need to feel loved. 

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A husband has one driving need 
to feel respected. 

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When these needs are met, the 
marriage relationships things. 

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When either or both aren't met, 
the marriage relationship 

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groans. 
By abiding by this biblical 

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pattern, couples can bring 
greater levels of peace and 

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fulfillment into their 
relationships. 

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So that's based on the Scripture
of verse 33 of Ephesians 5, and 

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we can read it together. 
It says, however, each one of 

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you also must love his wife as 
he loves himself, and the wife 

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must respect her husband. 
I just want to make a few 

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comments on that passage of 
Scripture or that verse. 

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I think it's a real neglected 
verse. 

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And the Bible said me, when it 
comes to marriage, it's actually

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alarming how that doesn't 
actually come up in marriage 

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material. 
There is a complete book that is

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written about that. 
The book is called Love and 

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Respect, and it is in your 
library. 

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So if you would like to grab 
that after this course, it would

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be helpful. 
But you'll notice that I mean 

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that we're talking about 
Scripture. 

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This is God's heart for us. 
It's His Word to us. 

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But let's just unpack some of 
the things that we see. 

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The 1st is that this pattern is 
prescriptive. 

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God is prescribing something and
he is saying husbands must love 

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their wives. 
Wives must respect their 

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husbands. 
That's not a suggestion. 

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It certainly is not worded in 
the way that it's a suggestion. 

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It's it's a command. 
Husbands must. 

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The the word must is there on 
both accounts, and it's not like

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God is like, oh, I've got this 
incredible rule and you must 

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obey it. 
What he's saying is I have made 

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man and I have made woman. 
I know what they are about. 

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The must love and the must 
respect is stated in a way where

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God's saying you can't afford 
not to because if you do, 

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trouble cometh exceedingly 
quickest. 

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As we read in the King James 
somewhere, the the pattern is 

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gender specific in as that 
doesn't say husbands and wives 

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love and respect one another 
could have said that in some way

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it would have been saying the 
same thing. 

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But actually, that's not what 
this is saying. 

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What it is saying is that 
husbands must love, wives must 

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respect. 
There's a distinction that's 

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being made with a gender 
specific command or prescription

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is being given to wives and 
given to husbands. 

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So what's happening here is that
we have a primary need. 

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That's the driving need and 
we've got to pay attention to 

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it. 
Does that mean that husbands 

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don't need to be loved? 
No. 

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Does that mean that wives don't 
need to be respected? 

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No, it's not saying that. 
It's just saying that there's 

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that primary need. 
So if I have to find myself in 

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the desert on my own and I'm 
lost and I'm stranded and I get 

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given the option, what would you
rather have? 

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Water or food? 
I'll go with water because I'd 

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stay alive a lot longer on 
water, but food's good. 

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But I'm going to get dehydrated 
a lot sooner and I'm going to 

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hit the end a lot sooner, so I'm
going to choose water. 

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So water becomes the primary 
thing and the secondary to that 

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because we also do need food. 
But we got to realize that as 

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husbands, our primary need is 
respect. 

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Respect is our water in the 
desert. 

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Love is the food, so we love it,
we want it, but not as much as 

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we want respect. 
Our need for respect is greater 

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and for wives, love is the water
and respect is the food. 

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So it's just a primary and a 
secondary need. 

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So we got to know that we are 
made in these ways. 

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Just a simple way that we see 
that is when it's movie night, 

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what movie does the guy want to 
watch? 

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Like, say things like Gladiator,
because it's about honor. 

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Brave art. 
Brave. 

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What Gladiator? 
I mean, we can just keep 

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throwing them out, but we're not
so much needing to be filled 

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with the love that we find in 
romantic comedies or romantic 

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dramas. 
The wife is like, whoa, that's 

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what I want to go watch. 
Comes from inside. 

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Yeah, because there's a need and
God's made us in a very specific

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way and he knows our primary 
need. 

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It's unconditional. 
So it doesn't say wives risk 

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must respect your husband's as 
long as they are deserving of 

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respect. 
And it also doesn't say husbands

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love your wives as long as she's
respecting you. 

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So it's not on condition of it 
being reciprocated and it's not 

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on condition of it being 
deserved. 

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It's just husbands must love 
their wives. 

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Comma wives must respect their 
husbands. 

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So if you're in a situation 
where your wife doesn't respect 

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you, you're not let off the 
hook. 

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You can't say, well, because she
doesn't respect me, I'm not 

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going to love her. 
It's not a reciprocated reality 

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as far as us being obligated to 
and what God is calling us to, 

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the pattern is connected. 
So you'll see this 2 commands in

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that sentence, but they're still
in the same sentence. 

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And I think that's part of God's
genius because He knows they're 

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connected and the way in which 
they're connected is the one 

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triggers the other. 
Because when a wife is loved by 

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her husband, it's way easier for
that wife to respect her husband

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back. 
But when the converse is true, 

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it's near nearly impossible. 
So it's connected. 

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We'll, we'll talk about the 
trigger effect just now. 

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So that's God's pattern. 
He gives it to us, but this 

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pattern has got distorted. 
We've lost our way as far as sin

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coming in, and it's as a result 
of three things. 

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The one is we are different as 
men and women, husbands and 

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wives, we are different. 
We speak a different language. 

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We are wired in a different way.
I've come to realize that I can 

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say a phrase and it can mean one
thing, and Antonette can say 

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that exact same phrase and it 
means another thing. 

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Give you an example. 
I've got nothing to wear. 

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Now when I say that, that means 
there is no clothes in my 

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cupboard. 
Everything is in the wash. 

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I have nothing to wear when 
Antoinette says that I'm looking

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over a solar thing. 
What? 

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Look at all these clothes. 
What she means is that nothing's

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feeling right today. 
It's like the combos and she 

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goes through like 5 or 6 days. 
What do you think of this? 

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I'm like, yeah, that's 
brilliant. 

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And then strangers like, OK, she
speaks a pink language, I speak 

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a blue language. 
We've got to know that we're 

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different. 
And because she speaks a pink 

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language and I speak a blue 
language, we got to know that 

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she's got a pink filter and I've
got a blue filter. 

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So when she speaks her pink 
language, not only is it 

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different to the language that I
speak, but I'm filtering it in a

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different way. 
So I'm making sense and 

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processing what she's saying, 
which is in pink language, in a 

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blue filter. 
And I'm like, what the heck are 

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you talking about? 
But it's not to say that there's

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anything wrong with her. 
We just, we got this difference 

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and we got to find a way. 
I mean, we've got to a point now

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where we put the flag up and we 
say, are we talking pink and 

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blue? 
Yeah. 

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What's happening? 
It's helpful. 

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You ought to know like this. 
This is to understand what, 

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what, what language are you 
talking right now? 

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Because I know that we're 
different and we've got to make 

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sure that we're not missing one 
another or we're not 

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misunderstanding what's being 
said. 

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So we're different. 
The next thing is we are 

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imperfect. 
So there's selfishness, there's 

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past experience, and because I'm
wired for respect, loving is not

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what comes naturally to me. 
And because my wife is wired for

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loving, respect doesn't come 
naturally to her. 

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And we need God's help. 
This is where they're 

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empowering. 
The power assist of the Spirit 

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of God is going to invade our 
lives and invade our marriages 

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so that we can know our certain 
significant other and know their

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primary need and trust that God 
leads us and guides us and helps

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us and empowers us to do the 
very thing that doesn't come 

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naturally to us. 
Think, think about cards. 

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Hallmark lives. 
So you, you, you got like, I 

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don't know, whatever Christmas, 
New Year, birthdays, 

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anniversary, Valentine's Day, 
every time a card is put on the 

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shelf and you take it, what is 
the main emphasis of that card? 

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When it comes to a card from a 
husband to a wife or a wife to a

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husband, what's the tone of it? 
Love, always love. 

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And then the card is received by
the wife or the card is received

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by the husband, and the wife 
keeps all their cards. 

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The house was like, I don't know
what to do with this. 

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Like, thanks, babe. 
But anyway, she picked all their

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cards because it's me expressing
my love for her. 

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And that's exactly what she 
needs. 

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It's exactly what she desires. 
But I wonder if we'd ever given 

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thought for a card that's 
emphasis and tone is respect. 

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And imagine if a if a wife it's 
a writer call to her husband. 

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I just want to say I'm your 
biggest fan. 

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That will be a cardio keep 
because that's dear to me. 

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Now. 
Now you're talking my language. 

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I know you love me. 
I want to know is that you like 

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me and to know there's a lot of 
men that I've spoken to asked 

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the question, do you think your 
wife loves you? 

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Absolutely, without a doubt. 
Does she like you? 

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I don't think so. 
But you got to know I mean this,

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you mean that, but you got to 
know that the the liking me is 

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the more important one. 
Like I know she loves me. 

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It's a given. 
But whether she likes me like 

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she has a respect for me, she's 
a fan. 

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This is what feels men. 
That's why God's saying husbands

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must love their wives, Wives 
must love respect their husbands

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because he knows us. 
The next thing is we are 

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ignorant. 
So we do speak in code when a 

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wife is complaining, 
criticizing, crying, what she's 

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actually saying, this is not in 
your notes, so don't worry about

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Beijing. 
What she's actually saying is I 

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want your love. 
The they're dripping tap thing. 

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They're complaining, they're 
criticizing. 

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It's like, I don't quite know 
how to phrase this, but I'm just

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expressing what's going on 
inside of me and it's 

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complaining and it's crying and 
it's criticizing. 

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Well, that's certainly how it's 
being received by the husband. 

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But actually all she's saying is
I just want you to love me. 

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And her husband is one of two 
responses to that. 

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Complaining and criticizing the 
1 is a harshness he's watched. 

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Hulk, the Incredible Hulk, you 
know, the normal guy who then 

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just turns into the screen. 
Man, Pence is ripping and shoot 

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is over. 
That thing comes out. 

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There's a harshness because now 
you've stepped on my respect 

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button or he goes quiet. 
One of two. 

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You got to know the husband's 
going to go quiet because 

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there's an honor thing. 
Yeah, there's a respect thing. 

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So I'm rather going to leave the
scene of the crime. 

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I'm walking away because if I 
stay, I'm going to say something

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that I'm going to regret. 
So he's actually he's he's 

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appealing to his inner respect, 
honor. 

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I'm going to walk away. 
Either one of those, it's him 

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crying out, saying I just want 
to be respected but for the wife

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sucked, doesn't love me. 
It's got harsh with me or he's 

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just gone silent on me. 
He's walked away. 

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Seal is being unloved. 
We've got to start understanding

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because we're ignorant to these 
things. 

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We've got to understand that 
that's what's going on in our 

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interactions with one another. 
So let's talk about the 

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detrimental effects of this 
pattern being distorted. 

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Firstly, there's a value factor.
When our deepest needs are not 

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being met, we are left 
unfulfilled. 

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We need to know that women have 
a love tank that requires 

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constant filling. 
I think most of us know that 

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because love tank is this thing 
that we've heard. 

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We know about it, but we need to
know that men have a respect 

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tank that requires constant 
filling. 

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When this love tank of a woman, 
it's like just coming back to 

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what we were saying was Mark 
Covenant is a husband promising 

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that I will love you and cherish
you. 

226
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:29,000
It's just like she just wants 
that ongoingly not a well, I 

227
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,120
said I loved you. 
Then if anything changes, I'll 

228
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,880
let you know kind of about it's 
an ongoing showing your love, 

229
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,680
expressing your love. 
Her tank needs to be full of all

230
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:47,800
the time and it doesn't cost 
money and it costs the energy. 

231
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:51,480
Got to be intentional. 
I mean, I heard the story of 

232
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:58,280
this 2 ladies that were talking 
about a time when they were 

233
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,440
married and what their marriages
were like and both their 

234
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:04,839
husbands had passed on late in 
their life. 

235
00:17:04,839 --> 00:17:07,800
And the one was incredibly 
wealthy and the other one was 

236
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:13,280
just kind of like average. 
And this the more wealthy one 

237
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,839
saw something on the 
mantelpiece. 

238
00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:19,000
It was like a little stone and 
she walked up to it and written 

239
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:25,599
on it very small was a forever 
and always I will love you. 

240
00:17:25,599 --> 00:17:31,520
And it was something that her 
husband picked up on a walk that

241
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:35,360
they were walking just like 
picnic vibes and they were 

242
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,680
walking through and he picked up
the stone and he said, you know 

243
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,280
what? 
This has been such an amazing 

244
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,200
day. 
I've been with you. 

245
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,560
I love you so much. 
I just wanted to give you this 

246
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:48,120
as a means of saying you're mine
and I love you. 

247
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:52,160
He writes it slowly on the 
mantelpiece. 

248
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,480
And the other lady was like, 
well, I don't know how many 

249
00:17:56,840 --> 00:18:00,440
fancy holidays I went on. 
I don't know how many expensive 

250
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:04,560
cars my husband bought me, but 
I've never had anything that I 

251
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,280
would want to keep and put on 
the mantelpiece. 

252
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,040
Doesn't cost you a lot of money 
to express your love to your 

253
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,200
wife. 
You need to express it. 

254
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:17,320
She needs a tank fold because 
she's been wired that way. 

255
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:23,960
With men's, it's all about the 
admiration curve. 

256
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,760
So it's nothing like, you know, 
the days where you're dating. 

257
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:32,040
So now we're getting to know one
another and we're dating. 

258
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:37,840
And you know, it's like when you
arrive to pick her up for that 

259
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:44,000
date, you know, the, like the 
picture that I have is of the 

260
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,160
girl coming down the stairs and 
mom and dad's there and huge 

261
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:55,800
excitement, like almost killing 
yourself as you run down the 

262
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,400
stairs. 
Like you've seen that, right? 

263
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:06,080
Then you get married five years 
down the line, you fat pig. 

264
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:16,640
It's like the admiration. 
It's just like you do nothing 

265
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,520
around the house. 
I've got a burst, I've got a 

266
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,960
that, and the admiration is just
going for like a absolute. 

267
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:27,920
So they just want to be admired.
Sorry, but that's how we make 

268
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:33,600
it. 
That's where God starts saying, 

269
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,240
yeah, I know she loves me, I 
just don't think she likes me. 

270
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,360
Got to watch that admiration 
curb because men need their 

271
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,280
respect tank to be full all the 
time. 

272
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,680
We also have this need. 
Ours is respect for wives. 

273
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,440
It's loved. 
There was a survey that was done

274
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:57,400
where men, a group of men were 
surveyed and they were presented

275
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,440
with two scenarios and they 
needed to choose which of these 

276
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,960
would you take. 
The one scenario was to be left 

277
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:08,080
alone and unloved in the world. 
I think about that. 

278
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:13,080
That's huge, to be left alone 
and to be unloved in the swab. 

279
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:18,720
The other was to feel inadequate
and disrespected by everyone. 

280
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:23,960
74% said I would go with I'd 
rather be left alone and unloved

281
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:29,520
in the swab, that's how big it 
is for men and I'd rather be 

282
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:33,400
unloved and be on my own than 
being in a place of feeling 

283
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:38,560
inadequate and disrespected. 
That's because we wired in this 

284
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,640
way. 
It's who we are. 

285
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:46,120
It's how God has made us. 
So to be a bit vulnerable. 

286
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:52,240
I really am bad with DIY. 
I mean, I can, I can change 

287
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:56,600
light bulbs and those kind of 
things, but anything beyond the 

288
00:20:56,600 --> 00:21:03,200
very basics, I'm bad. 
So when I have an opportunity to

289
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:08,400
do something, it is a challenge 
and I take it on as a challenge.

290
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:16,280
And I arrived home the one day 
and our dog, who have 

291
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:28,360
subsequently given away, yeah, 
he had chewed through two 

292
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,200
things. 
The one was our hose pipe. 

293
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,160
I mean it doesn't not work with 
all those teeth marks. 

294
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,800
Fortunate it was just the one 
end so I could cut it off and 

295
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,360
put a new fitting on. 
And the other thing that he 

296
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:45,560
chewed through was our electric 
motor of the gate where we walk.

297
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:49,360
We drive into our house. 
Fortunate, unfortunately the the

298
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:56,240
cables were too small for him to
be shocked, but so he survived 

299
00:21:56,240 --> 00:22:01,800
it. 
But oh OK, it's not unfortunate.

300
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:11,440
She loved that dog. 
So I come home, it's like, OK, I

301
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,760
can do this. 
I can, I can fix it. 

302
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,720
I mean, to get some money that's
going to cost money. 

303
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:17,560
It's unnecessary. 
I can do this. 

304
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,800
So I'll fix the hose spot, but 
I'll go and buy one of these 

305
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,880
contractions that you know, you 
like, I don't know what it's 

306
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,800
called this exposing my lack of 
these things, lack of mowing 

307
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,600
these things. 
But you wrap the hose pipe 

308
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,880
around it and it's mounted to 
the wall. 

309
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:34,640
So I've got a mounted to the 
wall. 

310
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,760
I mean, this is including 
drilling and all these kind of 

311
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:40,720
things. 
Drill and line it up and I'm put

312
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,080
a little bit higher so the dog 
can't reach. 

313
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,440
And I go inside and I call 
Antonette. 

314
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,040
I don't even realize this is 
happening. 

315
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:53,480
I mean, I didn't take a photo of
it and send it to my dad and 

316
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:54,760
say, hey, dad, look what I just 
did here. 

317
00:22:54,760 --> 00:23:03,040
We were like, I wanted I wanted 
Antonique to see I like pass the

318
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:07,040
kids get out of the way. 
Babe, you got to come check 

319
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,720
this. 
She comes out. 

320
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,120
She's like what? 
It's like I want to show you 

321
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:13,400
something. 
And while we walking, I'm like 

322
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:14,920
thinking of please don't say 
it's too high. 

323
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,840
Please don't say it's too high. 
And we get there and she looks 

324
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:22,240
at it and she's like, Oh my 
word, that is amazing. 

325
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:33,500
Well then, babe, I'm like. 
And it gave me enough confidence

326
00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:39,220
to tackle the gate motor. 
And I head in that direction. 

327
00:23:39,220 --> 00:23:40,300
She's like, what are you going 
to do now? 

328
00:23:42,980 --> 00:23:46,460
I've got a motor to fix. 
I think I had to change my 

329
00:23:46,460 --> 00:23:47,980
voice. 
I got a motor to fix. 

330
00:23:53,310 --> 00:23:58,190
But I mean, the tools are spread
out and power tools. 

331
00:23:59,870 --> 00:24:05,400
It was good. 
So I get to this motive and on 

332
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:13,200
route she says, babe, don't you 
think we should find Pete now 

333
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,560
Pete is this mate of mine who 
can do anything. 

334
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:18,640
So I've got this notion with if 
you've got the right tool, you 

335
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,880
can fix anything. 
Pete's my tool, but I just I 

336
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,320
just tap in and he just sorts 
everything out. 

337
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,720
So I'm like that. 
But babe, it's fun. 

338
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:32,800
That's it's wires. 
It's got to take it or something

339
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,280
and and I don't take my phone 
with me. 

340
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:40,240
My phone's inside. 
Because when you do these 

341
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:43,200
things, you don't know. 
It's social media and stuff 

342
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:46,160
that's separate. 
We're DIY ING right now. 

343
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:51,160
But my phone rings and behold, 
it's Pete now. 

344
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,520
He doesn't know what's going 
down. 

345
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:56,360
He just happens to fire and 
Antonette's on the inside. 

346
00:24:56,360 --> 00:25:00,080
She sees Pete on the display. 
She shouts from inside. 

347
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:04,720
Babe, it's Pete. 
I'm like it's like gal I'll 

348
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:08,400
phone him back later. 
When I look again she's running 

349
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,960
outside. 
Babe, I really think you need to

350
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:15,240
take this. 
I'm like babe can you not see I 

351
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,520
am busy. 
She answers it and the Peaches 

352
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:29,670
hold. 
But Pete 's first question is 

353
00:25:29,670 --> 00:25:36,400
what are you up to? 
And that he was in his car and 

354
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:41,280
he came and fixed the motor. 
Here's the point. 

355
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:50,240
Antonette Via was more important
than anyone else's. 

356
00:25:52,560 --> 00:26:00,520
Like I wanted her to see my my 
DIY skills was on display and I 

357
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:05,920
was so desperate for her to come
with commendation and just man, 

358
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:07,480
this is amazing. 
Well done. 

359
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:13,720
You know why it's Antonette more
than it is anyone else? 

360
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:20,280
Because she knows me. 
She knows every flaw. 

361
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,560
She knows me. 
And when the person who knows 

362
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:31,560
your flaws, who's got to smell 
your farts, the one who who's 

363
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:35,600
seen you act your worst, the one
who who sees you when you react 

364
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:42,080
in a bad way when you lose your 
temper, the the one who doesn't 

365
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,840
get faced with the facade that 
you get to put across when 

366
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:51,760
you're in a public space holding
up appearances, It's that one 

367
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:57,080
that you want the respect from 
because of that is true respect.

368
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,040
That's the meaningful one. 
It's very easy to try and 

369
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:05,120
convince someone else at Gaza 
this, you know, their own 

370
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:07,720
brilliant. 
You know all about till you get 

371
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:11,360
to know me, you won't be saying 
that, but the one that does know

372
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:15,560
me is the one that I'm desperate
to have respect from. 

373
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,400
That's why I'm running up the 
stairs and saying, babe, you've 

374
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:24,000
got to come take a look at this 
because she knows me and that 

375
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:29,040
respect, when I get respect from
her, it's way more authentic and

376
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,240
weighty than respect from anyone
else. 

377
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:38,840
So your wife and wives death, 
your husbands are desiring your 

378
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:43,040
respect because that is way more
meaningful than respect that 

379
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:47,320
they get from anyone else. 
So this respect tank is big. 

380
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:53,120
I want to just also before I go 
to the next blank to fill in, 

381
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:56,120
there's one caution. 
I want to say I've heard this 

382
00:27:56,120 --> 00:28:01,040
many times. 
Wives say I'll respect him when 

383
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:06,720
he is worthy of respect, but 
like look at him and he's this 

384
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:11,440
and he's that sits on the couch 
and finding fault with all the 

385
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:14,560
things. 
I just want to say you cannot 

386
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:19,280
put that on your husband because
by doing that, you're giving 

387
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:22,640
both of those commands for your 
husband to do. 

388
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:26,440
Now he's responsible for loving 
you and he's responsible for 

389
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:31,840
burning the respect. 
And that's where men clutch out 

390
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:35,640
because it's too vague. 
It's too much for them to 

391
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:37,600
obtain. 
Now you must say, well, what do 

392
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,280
I do if he's not deserving of 
respect? 

393
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:42,040
We're going to answer some of 
that in terms of the 

394
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:48,000
practicality, but there's always
things to find. 

395
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:53,240
There's always coming behind. 
There's always a fanning into 

396
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,120
flame. 
That's kind of like you're this 

397
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:57,960
to me. 
You've done that for me. 

398
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,240
You wake up in the morning and 
you go to work every day. 

399
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,280
I appreciate you. 
It's not hard to find those 

400
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,600
things, but you've got to find 
those things where respect is 

401
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,680
due and express it and 
appreciate him and you'll see 

402
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,640
he'll just go from one level to 
the next. 

403
00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:16,080
This is how it works because men
are mine. 

404
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:18,560
Why? 
That way you know this, they 

405
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:23,720
tell the story of we've got 
rugby in South Africa's big 

406
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:29,000
sport and liar, the Lions is one
of the teams that over the last 

407
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,960
few years they've just done 
exceptionally well, just like 

408
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:34,040
top of the log in all the 
tournaments. 

409
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:38,280
And the big story there is that 
it's a bunch of nobodies. 

410
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:43,760
Nobody knows that that that's 
like the the story on the 

411
00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:45,840
ground. 
It's kind of like they never had

412
00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:50,080
any like major players, no 
spring book South African 

413
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,880
players in the team. 
But you know what happened? 

414
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:58,520
The coach, him and his assistant
coach, they were in New Zealand 

415
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:04,840
and they'd just hope taken over 
the Lions team and they were 

416
00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:09,000
rock bottom, bottom of the log. 
And they met with a New Zealand 

417
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:13,120
coach, Lori Mains, excellent New
Zealand coach. 

418
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:16,000
And he said to them, because 
they asked for advice, what do 

419
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:21,200
we do in this situation? 
He said don't buy a single 

420
00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:27,440
player, don't get anyone new in,
don't buy a single player and 

421
00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:30,720
let this team know that you're 
not going to do that. 

422
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:33,640
It's up to them because you 
believe in them. 

423
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:36,760
That's the success story of the 
lights. 

424
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:40,920
So now all of these nobodies are
filling the the Springbok team, 

425
00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:43,480
the South African team. 
Now they've become somebodies. 

426
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,560
But you know what the head is 
the grounding of it was their 

427
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:51,360
coach saying you're it, we're 
backing you, you're the team. 

428
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,400
We're not going to replace you 
with anyone else. 

429
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:56,960
We're not buying any players in.
You're the guys that we are 

430
00:30:56,960 --> 00:31:00,400
trusting to bring us from the 
bottom of the log to the top of 

431
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:01,920
the log. 
And we know you can do it. 

432
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:08,240
And that was the atmosphere that
that coach created and the guys 

433
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:11,360
just rose to the next level 
because that's how men are. 

434
00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:16,520
Why it touched you there. 
So the trigger effect. 

435
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:20,320
When a husband feels 
disrespected, he has a natural 

436
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:24,480
tendency to react in ways that 
feel unloving to his wife. 

437
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:30,640
When your wife, when a wife 
feels unloved, she has a natural

438
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:35,880
tendency to react in ways that 
feel disrespectful to her 

439
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:39,720
husband. 
So basically, without love, she 

440
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:43,440
reacts without respect. 
Without respect, he reacts 

441
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:48,400
without love. 
That's the trigger and the one 

442
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:52,080
triggers the other. 
So you could have a situation 

443
00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:57,400
where a wife expresses her 
thoughts and there's a tone of 

444
00:31:57,400 --> 00:32:01,360
criticism in her thought and in 
her words. 

445
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:06,120
The husband, he receives that as
content. 

446
00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:11,960
He receives that as inadequate. 
I'm disrespected. 

447
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:17,920
She doesn't like me. 
His response is either one of 

448
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:20,840
I'm going to get harsh back 
because you're pushing my 

449
00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:22,040
button. 
So I'm going to I'm going to 

450
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:25,160
give it back to you or I'm going
to leave. 

451
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:28,960
I'm going to go silent. 
You know the silent treatment. 

452
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:33,800
What's women go silent, disdain,
honourable thing, walk away. 

453
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:39,640
That gets perceived by the wife 
as he doesn't love me, He's not 

454
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,920
willing to sort this out, he's 
not willing to hear me, he's not

455
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:47,920
willing to love me in a way that
we could find one another in 

456
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:50,640
this. 
So the next time they get 

457
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:55,200
together and there's 
interaction, the criticism is a 

458
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:58,200
little harder from the wife to 
the husband. 

459
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:03,400
And the husband, he responds in 
a way where he is harsher than 

460
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:07,280
he was before or is even quieter
for a longer period of time. 

461
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:12,320
And the trigger just ensues. 
And it accumulates and it 

462
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:14,680
escalates. 
The quantity gets more and the 

463
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:18,880
intensity of it gets more. 
And eventually the wife is 

464
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:24,480
saying my husband does not love 
me and the way in which he does 

465
00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:26,680
not love me is grounds for 
divorce. 

466
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:32,000
Not realizing that it started 
with her critical words. 

467
00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:37,280
The cycle is just downward 
spiral. 

468
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:42,080
And they can get to a point 
where it can be so intense and 

469
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:47,120
so much friction, but it just 
starts with a slight distortion.

470
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,560
And because of this downward 
spiral, it accumulates and it 

471
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,400
escalates and it just gets worse
and worse and worse. 

472
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:59,000
So for us not to get the spec 
and for us not to know the 

473
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,080
trigger effect of the pattern is
very dangerous. 

474
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:05,600
But the good news is the trigger
effect is in the positive as 

475
00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:12,159
well, such as in the negative. 
So let's see how we bring order 

476
00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:15,520
to the pattern. 
What are we to do? 

477
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:22,800
Firstly, we got to identify the 
real issue because so often we 

478
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,880
are arguing about something or 
we're in conflict with one 

479
00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:28,880
another about something, but 
we've got to know that's not the

480
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:32,360
real issue. 
There's an issue below that. 

481
00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:36,520
There's a below the surface. 
And like I said last night, 9 

482
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,400
out of 10 times it's a love and 
respect issue. 

483
00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:44,239
And if you could just stop the 
tension, if you could just push 

484
00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:47,639
the pause button in a moment of 
conflict and say, OK, can we 

485
00:34:47,639 --> 00:34:49,520
just have a pink and blue 
conversation now? 

486
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:53,600
But we we can carry on with what
we're arguing about just now. 

487
00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:56,880
But before we get there, can we 
just see if we can identify the 

488
00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:00,680
real issue you think about, like
the stuff that we argue about, 

489
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:06,840
like money or the lack of. 
When things are tight, it brings

490
00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:13,120
tension. 12:50 The guy's getting
heated because he's not feeling 

491
00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:17,240
like he's respected because he's
got to bring home the money. 

492
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:21,200
Who's the provider? 
Are we arguing about money or 

493
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:24,920
we're arguing about respect? 
I think we're arguing about 

494
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:28,360
respect and it just brings us to
a place where we can actually 

495
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,600
talk about the thing that needs 
to be spoken about. 

496
00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:34,400
I mean, if these things are so 
slight. 

497
00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:38,040
So it's not even like it doesn't
even have to be a major 

498
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:41,480
explosion. 
I'll just share with you one of 

499
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:46,960
one of the things that we said 
and I'm sure underneath one mind

500
00:35:48,240 --> 00:35:51,160
if she does, we'll have to sort 
it out later, but just deal with

501
00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:56,200
the real issue. 
She would say things like, man, 

502
00:35:56,200 --> 00:36:03,000
I just don't have enough tumble 
space or Rosie's room is so 

503
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:06,760
small and it is, I get that. 
Like I don't know where to put 

504
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:09,120
her stuff. 
I don't know where to put our 

505
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,280
linen. 
We need extra tumble space. 

506
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:18,080
But you know that every time she
says that my filter is I haven't

507
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:22,800
provided a big enough house. 
That's how I receive it. 

508
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:28,120
OK, So it's not like major it's,
it's just a minor thing. 

509
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:30,880
She's just expressing like 
that's a real need. 

510
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:33,320
It's like that's my situation. 
I don't know where to put all 

511
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:36,480
the things. 
But the way in which it comes to

512
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:42,360
me is that I don't feel like 
I've given my wife and my family

513
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:45,440
a big enough house with all the 
things that we need. 

514
00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:50,120
So that's just like, it's her 
space, it's her home when it's 

515
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:51,240
our home. 
But it's like she's the 

516
00:36:51,240 --> 00:36:54,480
homemaker. 
And she's got all right to talk 

517
00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:58,520
freely and openly about, but we 
got to just have a conversation 

518
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:00,800
somewhere in the mix to just 
kind of say, Hey, babe, when you

519
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:05,160
say those things, I know it's 
your frustration that you're 

520
00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:10,040
just venting, but just kind of 
bring the blue language in 

521
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,720
because what you're actually 
saying is I haven't done enough 

522
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:17,400
to give us a big enough house 
with enough space. 

523
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:19,480
So I know you're venting your 
frustration. 

524
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:23,160
And for me, it's not just about 
hearing the frustration and, 

525
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,520
and, and I kind of like bearing 
with it. 

526
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:29,560
It actually taps into me at like
it, it affects me because I 

527
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:31,200
would love to give you a big, 
bigger house. 

528
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:35,360
I'd love for us to afford a 
bigger house and have all the 

529
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:39,560
space you desire that you're 
potentially just going to fall 

530
00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:41,360
with more clothes and then not 
have enough space again. 

531
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:48,000
But granted, let's just let's 
just identify the real issue. 

532
00:37:48,720 --> 00:37:51,800
So now that's just a, this is 
the tiny little venting of a 

533
00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:53,560
frustration. 
But when we start getting into 

534
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:57,760
real odgy bodgies about money 
and but I know there's a 

535
00:37:57,760 --> 00:38:01,720
provider there that's in the mix
and he wants to provide in a way

536
00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:04,800
where he feels respected, not 
disrespected. 

537
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:09,320
So very often the issue that we 
are arguing about is not the 

538
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,640
real issue. 
And we've got to take a step 

539
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,520
back from that argument. 
Just hit the pause button, 

540
00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:17,120
Whatever you do like, we'll just
do like pink and blue. 

541
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:20,360
Let's it's got to figure out, 
are we talking about love and 

542
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:22,680
respect here or is this a 
separate issue? 

543
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:26,520
Because I promise you, most of 
the time it's that love and 

544
00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:30,600
respect thing and it's helpful 
for us because it grounds us in 

545
00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:35,000
the proper conversation. 
And then we can have a more 

546
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,880
meaningful working at art 
because now we're dealing with 

547
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:39,880
the real issue. 
Does that make sense? 

548
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:47,200
OK, so become other centered. 
I think that's realizing that 

549
00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:51,720
their intention is not to 
disrespect you or the intention 

550
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:53,760
of the husband is not to not 
love you. 

551
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:56,600
They just expressing their 
needs. 

552
00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:58,920
They're just talking about where
they're at. 

553
00:39:00,240 --> 00:39:03,120
And it doesn't, it doesn't look 
like we're not freed from our 

554
00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:05,520
responsibility. 
So when I become other centered,

555
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:07,160
I know that Antoinette's need is
love. 

556
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:10,800
So even though I'm not feeling 
respect, I'm not going to do 

557
00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,920
this reciprocation thing. 
You know, as soon as you stop 

558
00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:14,320
respecting me, then I'm going to
love you. 

559
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:17,440
I'm going to obligate myself 
because I've covenated with my 

560
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:20,560
wife and I'm going to love her 
because she needs life. 

561
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:23,600
I'm becoming other thing that as
opposed to be centered. 

562
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:27,880
The other thing is that we need 
to become cross centered, which 

563
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,840
will allow his character to flow
through US. 

564
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:37,240
I swear things like humility and
forgiveness and grace starts to 

565
00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:39,600
flow. 
Now you want to talk about 

566
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:42,720
respect being deserved? 
Just put yourself under the 

567
00:39:42,720 --> 00:39:46,840
banner of the gospel and ask the
question, Did you deserve God's 

568
00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:50,520
grace? 
No, but yet He gave it. 

569
00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:55,360
So now who am I to withhold 
something when that person's not

570
00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:58,840
deserving of it? 
I'm not allowing the gospel to 

571
00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:03,480
flood my life. 
Let's live under God's blessing.

572
00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:05,040
Do you think God's way?