1
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So let's try and apply some of 
this. 

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I've said, you know, in terms of
working out our roles, we've got

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different personalities, 
different seasons of our lives. 

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So it's not prescriptive. 
We got to get the broadview and 

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then we stay in there. 
That's the safe zone. 

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But we got to work it out in our
own lives. 

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But if we looked at some 
practicalities, if we looked at 

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what does this look like? 
One of the things in terms of 

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headship and submission comes to
this thing of intimacy and I 

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want to say headship does not 
equal entitlement. 

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So the one Corinthians 7 text 
the go to scripture for men who 

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believe that there's this 
entitlement. 

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So I'm the head of the home and 
I'm keen for some loving. 

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So best you just make yourself 
available. 

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They actually have scripture to 
back it up. 

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Like Lovey, let me show you what
it says in one Corinthians 7. 

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You got to realize when it comes
to six, men are always ready. 

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Like we're we're like a like a 
light switch. 

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Women are not like that. 
And we're like a kettle and 

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they're like, and you can, you 
can flick that switch, but 

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nothing's happening for the 
first few seconds. 

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This we got to heat this thing 
up. 

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We, we got to get it to the 
boil. 

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And then when we hit the boiling
point, then it's all good. 

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I mean, a man can be sitting 
watching his favorite sport. 

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World Cup final 3 minutes to the
end, schools are tied and it's 

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the most 10. 
The wife walks down with 

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lingerie and says, honey, I'm 
I'm ready, I'm good. 

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00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:09,000
It's easy or I'm making my way 
to the bedroom. 

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00:02:09,199 --> 00:02:12,560
We're always ready. 
We had a friend because, you 

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know, part of the difficulty in 
marriage when it comes to 

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intimacy is reading for the 
moment. 

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You know that moment and when 
you're like lying in bed and you

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00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,640
just rub the aunt kind of scene.
Anything there, man? 

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Not nothing. 
I can you got to like read like 

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the thermometer, like, you know,
we see in the boiling curve, you

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know, friends of ours, he's 
close to 61 of the funniest 

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guys. 
He went out and and had them 

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00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,600
like custom made two 
pillowcases. 

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00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,840
Well, sorry, one pillowcase with
two sides. 

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00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:02,360
The one just said yes and the 
other side was no. 

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00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,720
He gave it to his wife and he 
says I'm tired of guessing you 

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00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:14,280
just when I walk in whatever 
sides facing up. 

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00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:24,680
So because we're different and 
because they are different needs

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00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,920
and and different kind of 
makeups, we've both got to be 

46
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:33,280
sensitive to that. 
There's got to be a sensitivity 

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00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,720
to that. 
That's where like headship is 

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00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:40,360
not burst through the room and 
say, all right, just because I 

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00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:47,120
said so and I've got scripture 
to back it up, let's get it on. 

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00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,560
I don't, I don't think that 
falls under the definition of 

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00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:59,520
headship equaling the exercise 
of your authority for the 

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00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:03,160
benefit of the other. 
That's exercising your authority

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00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:07,040
for your own benefit. 
I don't think that that's what 

54
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,800
the scripture is saying. 
I mean, let's look at what it 

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00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,800
says. 
The wife does not have authority

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00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,240
over her own body, but yields 
it. 

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00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:20,519
There's the gift. 
I'm yielding it, but as a gift 

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00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:24,440
to a husband. 
In the same way the husband does

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00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,800
not have authority of his own 
body, but yields. 

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00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:31,320
It doesn't really struggle with 
the yielding part of that, but 

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00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:36,160
he yields it to his wife. 
Do you not deprive each other 

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00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:42,720
except perhaps by mutual consent
and for a time so that you may 

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00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,840
devote yourselves to pray, then 
come together again so that 

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00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:50,240
Satan will not tempt you because
of your lack of self-control? 

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00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,240
So it's a warning, it's a 
cautioning, but there's two 

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things at play there. 
There's a yielding and there's a

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00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:02,480
consent, and that says mutual 
consent by mutual consent. 

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00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:07,360
And if by definition you have 
mutual consent to not, and 

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00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:11,240
surely you've got to have mutual
consent too, You can't, you 

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00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:15,840
can't have mutual consent to not
be intimate with one another for

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00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:19,960
a specific time or specific 
reason without having mutual 

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00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,160
consent to be intimate with one 
another. 

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00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,280
Just by definition of how that's
phrased. 

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00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,400
We got to get the fact there's a
there's a consenting and it's 

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00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:32,280
mutual and there's a yielding 
and it's mutual. 

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00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:40,280
So we can develop in our 
relationship and understanding 

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00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:46,120
of one another as sensitivity to
one another, where our intimacy 

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00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:52,240
is yielding and it's consensual,
but it is by no means headship 

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00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,440
equals entitlement. 
And just because I'm the head, 

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00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:02,000
that's just abusive. 
I promise you I've, I've heard 

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00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,520
of counsel within church where 
they take scripture like this 

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00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:11,320
and it's like, well, if the man 
says you just got to go with it,

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00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,600
you don't have an option. 
I don't think that's 

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00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:18,480
representing God's heart. 
I, I really struggle to accept 

85
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:20,720
that that would be a 
representation of God's heart. 

86
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,800
And if we take what we've 
covered in terms of what 

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00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,040
headship is, it doesn't fit into
that definition. 

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00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:32,440
So let's, let's allow God to 
shake how we intimate intimate 

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00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:37,000
with one another, where there's 
a mutual yielding and a mutual 

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00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:43,440
consent 2 and not 2. 
The yes and no, we work out 

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00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,440
together. 
Is that cool? 

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00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:51,360
OK, let's talk about decision 
making, but do you want to come 

93
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:59,880
back up and talk through that? 
All righty decision making, how 

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00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:03,480
do we make decisions? 
So it's just practical things 

95
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:06,680
we're going to give you guys. 
The servant leader and 

96
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,040
submissive helper should come 
together in such a way that 

97
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:16,080
personalities and gifting can be
exercised for the sake of making

98
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,800
good decisions. 
So for me and Adrian, just to 

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00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:25,480
give you an example, we are 
extremely different. 

100
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:31,680
So I'm impulsive, I'm a risk 
taker, I want to see the moment 

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00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:36,120
adventurous and Adrian is very 
calculated. 

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00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:42,160
Boring so that I didn't piss is 
very calculated. 

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00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,200
He thinks about things, 
especially if it's big 

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00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,840
decisions. 
He does his homework, he asks 

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00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:51,880
friends, he praise and he praise
and he praise. 

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00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:58,920
I think he could any praise and 
I'm like, oh, enough for really,

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00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:03,800
can we just make a decision? 
But anyway, so that that caused 

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friction in the past because we 
said different on these things, 

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00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:12,440
but over time, it's just like 
God showed us that no, you 

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complement one another. 
And through that, I'm teaching 

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00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,800
you patience and grace and he's 
shaping us. 

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00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:28,520
So we but in for instance, if we
need to make a decision that my,

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we can capitalize on 
opportunities with my gifting, 

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00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,960
you know, because I'm so 
impulsive. 

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00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:38,760
So we can capitalize on things, 
but with Adrian's strength, he 

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00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:42,679
prevents us from really getting 
into a situation that we will 

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00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:45,000
regret later. 
Do you understand what I mean? 

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So we both bring our giftings 
and our strings to the table. 

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00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,960
So there's a, there's a greater 
freedom to discuss things. 

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00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:58,080
I don't, I don't feel like I 
need to try to convince him to 

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00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,920
do it my way. 
And he doesn't feel like in the 

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00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:05,360
other way around, we both bring 
our strengths and our gifts and 

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00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,240
we work together on it. 
And through that, we honestly 

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00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:12,040
learn patience and grace for one
another. 

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00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,880
Because sometimes I've got to go
and say, OK, Lord, you know 

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00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:19,040
what, I'm just going to pray 
about this because this is 

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taking too long for me as a 
person. 

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00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:23,960
You know, we had to buy a house 
once. 

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And because I was in the 
property market, I knew this was

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a good deal and we're going to 
lose out on it. 

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00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:34,000
If we don't buy it now, like 
now, we're going to lose out on 

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00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,800
the deal. 
And now you. 

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00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:43,600
Said it just like that When now?
But knowing Adrian, I knew, oh, 

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00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,280
oh, this is going to take 
forever. 

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00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:51,240
It's not not bad. 
So that was that was the 

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00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,240
beginning of December. 
And then you say to me, let's 

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00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:59,040
just pray about it and think 
about it and speak to Pete, our 

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00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,440
friend and this one. 
And then when we come back from 

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00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:07,160
the holidays in January, we can,
we can see, you know, do you 

140
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,760
know the property market, It's 
near that house going to be 

141
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:11,280
gone. 
We're never going to, you know, 

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00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:12,960
we're going to miss out on this 
opportunity. 

143
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,560
So I just realized this is not 
going to go anywhere. 

144
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:23,720
But I had, I had to go and sit 
and instead of nagging him the 

145
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,400
whole time, I had to go to God 
and say, Lord, if this house is 

146
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:31,280
for us, if this is your gift to 
us, you do it. 

147
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:34,200
You keep that house for us. 
When we come back in January, 

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00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,880
it'll be ours. 
So God was teaching me the 

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00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:42,040
patience and to intercede with 
pray and we got it in January, 

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00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,280
came back, you made the 
decision. 

151
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:44,120
You serious? 
Buy it. 

152
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,120
And yeah, it was a really big, 
big blessing. 

153
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,720
So that's all. 
You just figure one another out,

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00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,280
you know, and you learn to have 
grace or one another and 

155
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,520
actually work together with your
different personalities. 

156
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:59,080
Cool. 
You know what? 

157
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:03,680
I'm equal contributing like 
equality and like let's 

158
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,320
contribute, let's talk things 
through. 

159
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,840
Let's make a decision with your 
strengths making up for where 

160
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:13,040
I'm lacking and I'm contributing
in areas where you lacking. 

161
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,280
And so there's this 
complementary reality. 

162
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:20,040
But I just want to say as far as
decision making is concerned, as

163
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:22,760
as the head of the home, as the 
husband, you always going to 

164
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,600
take ultimate responsibility, 
which has sometimes been hard 

165
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:31,080
because there's times where 
Antonette's input is the greater

166
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:35,120
of the two. 
And so we make the decision 

167
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,920
based on most of her 
contribution. 

168
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:41,120
But I've got to know in that 
moment I'm taking 

169
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,520
responsibility. 
So if this is a bad decision, 

170
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:50,960
I'm not later going to say that 
you look, Adam, the woman made 

171
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:55,360
me do it. 
That no, no, no, you know, with 

172
00:11:55,520 --> 00:12:00,320
equal contribution, but I'm 
taking responsibility because 

173
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,560
that's my God assigned 
authority. 

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00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:08,760
And if we don't agree, if we hit
the deadlock, wives, just defer 

175
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,480
to your husband. 
Just let them then make the 

176
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,760
decision because you're not in 
agreement. 

177
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,920
But you, you got to know that 
God has gifted your husband. 

178
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,480
He's going to make mistakes. 
But even if he's making a 

179
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,760
mistake, that's his God assigned
authority. 

180
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,080
So if we don't agree, defer to 
the husband, let him make the 

181
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,520
decision that cool. 
What does it look like in terms 

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00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:34,400
of God shaping, in terms of 
informing us and and making us 

183
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,360
into his likeness? 
The role of headship, which is a

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00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:41,120
sermon leader, a shepherd king, 
an authority, but a caring 

185
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:44,760
authority is for the purpose of 
ministering to your wife and 

186
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,160
family. 
This is physically, emotionally 

187
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:52,680
and most important spiritually. 
Lead your wife minister to your 

188
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:56,760
wife minister to your family. 
So good question to ask as a 

189
00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,840
husband is does my headship 
allow my wife to submit to me in

190
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:05,840
a way where she offers it as a 
gift or feels forced? 

191
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:12,640
So how that ties into God's 
shaping is if as a wife, my 

192
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:18,040
growing in Christ likeness is my
ability to submit to this God 

193
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:22,200
assigned role and to submit to 
my husband, who is the head. 

194
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:26,200
If I'm becoming more like Jesus 
in that the question that the 

195
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,760
husband's asking is am I leading
in a way when my wife is 

196
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:35,200
becoming more like Jesus or am I
leading in a way that is fueling

197
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:39,240
rebellion in her and feeling the
complete opposite of becoming 

198
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,440
Christ like and bringing out the
worst in her. 

199
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,480
That's a big charge to the 
husbands. 

200
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:49,920
I mean, out of those two goddess
side roles, in my opinion the 

201
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,160
headship is the harder of the 
two it should be. 

202
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:58,920
And when we get it right, then 
the submission becomes the ease 

203
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:04,760
because the wife just knows that
he's got my best interest at 

204
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,840
heart and whatever he's doing is
for my benefit. 

205
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:16,560
The role of submission is not 
silence and compliance. 

206
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:23,440
We've got friends. 
I mean, their marriage is is of 

207
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:27,680
such a nature that everyone 
around them, it's like the 

208
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:32,680
reputation is that his wife is 
the most submissive wife in the 

209
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:36,520
world. 
I'm one of the few people that 

210
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,360
disagree. 
I don't think she's of missive. 

211
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,000
I think she's silent and she's 
compliant. 

212
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:50,040
She just keeps quiet and and I 
think the question is as a wife,

213
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:54,280
am I empowering or enabling my 
husband? 

214
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:59,280
Empowering is allowing my 
husband to grow in his leading 

215
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,800
role as God would intend. 
Enabling is I'm submitting in a 

216
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,080
way that's perpetuating bad 
behavior. 

217
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,640
Do you understand the 
difference? 

218
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,920
So if a husband is saying, well,
this is how it's going to be 

219
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:16,080
babe, but it's it's not godly. 
There's not something, you know,

220
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,840
kind of sacred about it. 
He's not leading in a way that 

221
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,080
is representative of Jesus. 
But the wife is so fearful of 

222
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,680
him, fears him more than she 
fears God. 

223
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:28,640
So I'm just going to keep quiet 
because the last time I opened 

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my mouth, things went pay 
shaped. 

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I'm going to keep quiet. 
Silence and compliance. 

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You see, now you're not bringing
your equality to the 

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relationship. 
You're not contributing, you're 

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not adding to this oneness, you 
just complying and as a result, 

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you're dying on the inside and 
your husband is actually 

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perpetuating in his bad behavior
because he's not being 

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confronted because he's also got
a going growing Christ likeness.

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So your silence and compliance 
as a wife actually robs your 

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husband of becoming more like 
Jesus because he needs to become

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the servant leader. 
He needs to headship you in a 

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way that your, your benefits and
your children's benefits is the 

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object of his headship. 
And because you're silent, 

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because you're compliant, you're
not allowing him to be shaped in

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that way. 
You're just enabling him to 

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continue in his bad behavior. 
So it's not silence and 

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compliance and it's not 
unconditional obedience. 

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And then it referred to that 
just now. 

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God is the ultimate authority. 
God's word is the ultimate 

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authority. 
So if your husband's leading in 

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your way with, with, with this 
conflict with God's word that 

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then the call is not to just 
obey him. 

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You know, when Peter and the 
apostles were walking and they 

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were confronted with things 
like, well, we, we obey God 

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before we obey man. 
And that applies in our 

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relationships with one another 
as well. 

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We obey God. 
So when you have this conflict 

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where husband is saying one 
thing, but it's not something 

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that is is in line with God's 
scripture and his authority, 

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then you've got to bring it to 
someone else to say help us work

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this out because we're not 
looking for unconditional 

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obedience. 
It's obedience to God. 

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And in obedience to God, we 
trust that our husband is 

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leading us in a godly way. 
But as soon as it comes out of 

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that line and we got to put our 
hands up and say we need help 

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here because we want to do it 
according to God's will.