Hello and welcome to the Cosmic Nomad.
I'm your host, Bailey Rushlow, and this is a space for the
curious and the heart lead where we explore the human experience
through travel, nature, spirituality and real life
transformation through beautiful conversations.
As I discover my way of living what I call an inspired life, I
share the practices, stories, and perspectives that have
helped guide me back to myself. Gooden Wagen.
Hello, greetings from Germany and welcome back to the Cosmic
Nomad. Today, Episode 18, we are diving
into something that is simple and also revolutionary, which is
the arts of asking questions and building deeper connection with
friends, new people, romance lovers, even strangers by
cultivating genuine curiosity and how reflective listening can
actually turn just a chat into a moment that could change you or
someone else's life. And yeah, because human
connection really is medicine for our world in a time when
people are starved for presents, we're starved for connection and
sometimes we don't even know how to cultivate it anymore in the
social media phone driven world. So that's where we're at today.
Hi and hello. Hello, I should say I am still
enjoying my time here in Germany.
Getting ready to go on a little van adventure with my lover and
very excited to just continue soaking up this beautiful land
and my time here. I've been coming to Germany for
since 2021 almost every year. But Germany actually holds a
special place in my heart because it was the first country
that I actually remember traveling to as a child.
My family had cousins that lived here growing up and when I was
4, almost 5, we came here for Christmas and spent the month
with my cousins and I. It's some of my earliest
memories, but I, I remember going to the Christmas market, I
lost a tooth here that was a big deal.
I had an uncle that threatened to pull it out with a pair of
pliers, which terrified me. And it ended up coming out on
its own, which is great. It's a, it's a beautiful land
and wonderful people. And my partner and his family
are German. So every time we get to come and
visit and we're taking it and taking care of so, so much love
and intention. And yeah, so that's where I'm at
today. Just always like to give you a
visual of of where I'm where I'm at in the world because, you
know, this cosmic nomad life has me all over the map and I kind
of love it. That's why, you know, I wanted
to start this podcast in general is because I have so many
thoughts and feelings and experiences.
And even though I'm only 29, I have lived a lot of life in this
short time on the planet feels like a long time on the planet.
I'm being honest. But I'm very grateful for it and
excited to continue to share what I'm learning on here with
all of you. And before we jump in today, I
just want to share that if you have been listening and loving
the Cosmic Nomad podcast and you want to support me in creating
more of this work, I would love to invite you to join my Patreon
family. For the price of a cup of coffee
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it feels calming, comforting. And if you would like a little
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you right back. So it's one of the best ways to
help keep this space alive and healthy and growing.
And it means so much to me to have you there.
So you can find a link in the show notes if you feel called to
join. And thank you in advance.
Let's jump into it. Why do questions matter?
Most people are asked what we do, but we're not asked who we
are. So when someone you know pauses
and really asks us something meaningful, it kind of takes us
aback a little bit. We're like, whoa, like, what do
you, what do you want? What do you need?
Who, who are you? Why are you?
Why are you curious about me? You know, because how often, how
often do you stand in a party with your drink in the corner
with the people? And they say, oh, So what do you
do? And how do you know so and so
and what's the small talk? But when someone looks you in
the eye and listens and reflects to you, it creates intimacy.
Intimacy broken down sounds like into me.
You see intimacy, right? It says I see you and I care.
Especially as empaths, highly sensitive people, neurodivergent
folks, we are already attuned to very subtle signals like tone of
voice and posture, eye contact, micro expressions.
Most people pick up on them as well.
But we are just a little more attuned.
And research shows that about 55% of communication is body
language, 38% is tone, and only 7% is words.
So questions aren't just about words.
Communication isn't just about words.
It's about the energy that you bring when you ask them.
Let's give ourselves a hypothetical situation for this
episode, or for this moment at least.
So imagine that we are new at a party.
We've just walked in. Some people are eating, some
people they're talking. Some people have drinks, some
people don't. Some people are playing cards
and you find yourself standing with someone and you're both
just kind of chilling and you don't know each other, but you
would like to talk, but you don't just want to say, So what
do you do? Before you even open your mouth,
your body is already asking questions like, am I safe?
Am I welcome here? Who are these people?
What's the energy? What's the vibe?
Or you're you're already scanning the environment, so
imagine that you make eye contact with the person near
you. There's open body language,
there's a smile that reaches your eyes.
These things create safety and someone is, is building trust
with you in that moment. And your own regulation matters.
So when your nervous system is calm, there's is calm.
And when there's is calm, yours can be calm, right?
You know that feeling when someone walks up to you and
they're jittery and they're nervous and they're, they're all
over the place and their eyes are darting all over the room
and they can't look you straight in the eyes and their breath is
fast and you're like, there are a lot of energy right now,
right? What about when someone is calm,
peaceful, their own energy is grounded?
It gives you permission to ground yours too.
Sometimes the best icebreaker isn't even a question.
It's just a shared observation. I'm, I'm, I'm not gatekeeping
anything. You guys, I'm really good at
this stuff. OK?
I say that not out of pride, but out of reflection from others
where I've been in these situations and I've had people
say to me, I felt kind of uncomfortable.
And then we started talking and I felt more at home or more
myself. And I thought, wow, that's
probably the best compliment I could ever receive is that
someone feels that they can be more themselves around you.
So when I share these, it's, it's not out of, oh, I know how
to make friends at parties. Like it's not from this energy.
It's from like, Hey, let me share some secrets with you.
So shared observation, it could be, wow, this place looks so
beautiful right now, right? Or man, the food smells amazing,
right? It's just a shared observation.
Step one. OK.
And this is the way of saying, hey, we're, we're here together
in this moment, you and I, it's creating a, a collective shared
experience where the other person doesn't feel isolated or
put on the spot with an instant. So what do you do that feels
like you're have to perform for someone else?
So I love to ask this question. It is my go to.
If you've been friends with me, you've probably heard me ask it
before. How do you like to spend your
time? It's very simple, but my
favorite thing about it is that 98% of the time people don't
answer with what they do for a living most of the time because
people don't love what they do for a living.
But if they do love what they do for a living, they usually
answer with that. But again, it's very, very few
and far between. So if you asked my partner
Philip, for example, so how do you like to spend your time?
He would probably say scuba diving because that's what he
does for a living and it's his life's passion.
It's his life's work. He loves the ocean.
He loves taking people on underwater experiences, facing
their fears, expressing themselves, meeting the ocean,
you know, going on life changing trips around the world.
But Philip is an exception, not the rule.
Most people look at me and go, how do I like to spend my time?
And they think about it for a second and they go, well, you
know, I, I really like gardening or well, I really love spending
time with the beach or I, I love poker, you know, all herbalism
or I don't know, fill in the blank.
I spend time with my kids, you know, I love making music
videos. I'm a producer, you know, and
this, my, my life's passion is making incredible music like
fill in the blank. And then that opens the doors
you're asking, Tell me who you are, not just your job title.
And then from there, the door has been opened so you can
spiral even deeper. And as people share things, look
at them in the eyes. Keep your body language open.
Instead of keeping your arms crossed over your body and your
body facing away from them, face them with your body, point your
feet toward them, open your arms, breathe deeply and smile a
little bit. Soften your face and reflect to
them the kind of energy you like to be reflected back to you.
It's called mirroring each other.
And as they share, you can ask things or or say things like wow
that's so interesting. I would love to learn more about
that or how did you get into that or what's, what's the story
of how this thing or this person or this place or this experience
came into your world, right? People love to talk about
themselves. They might not always say, oh, I
like to talk about myself, of course, because that sounds
arrogant. But people love to share what
they love to share about, and it's a great way to create
safety and connection and intimacy with someone by making
it about them. And slowly it might circle back
to you. And if they're a good
conversationalist, you know, it will be like a tennis match and
you've got the ball going, the conversation going from topic to
topic and from person to person. But in that initial
introduction, make it about them.
Don't make it about, well, I need to share about me next.
Like, just listen. Just observe.
Come into this conversation with curiosity and watch what happens
with no outcome in mind. It's not about collecting data,
it's just about observing and creating a space for someone to
feel more of themselves around you.
One of the most powerful tools is reflective listening.
It's simple but rare. So instead of jumping in with
your own story, you just mirror back what you heard from them.
I want to talk about this for a moment because reflective
listening is one of the most underrated tools that we have
for intimacy. Most of us are taught to listen
just long enough to respond. Like we wait our turn to talk
and then we jump in with advice. But reflective listening is
about listening to understand, not to reply.
I know it sounds really simple, but it really changes
everything. So for example, someone shares
something with you and instead of flipping it back on your to
your own, instead of flipping it back to your own experience and
saying, oh see, well in my case this and this happened.
You don't have to try to be relatable right now.
You don't have to. There's a place in time for
that. But for example, someone says
I've been really stressed at work lately.
You could say that sounds heavy. What has been the hardest part?
Or how does that make you feel? Or it sounds like you have a lot
on your plate. You're not fixing anything, you
are not taking the spotlight and making it about you.
As much as we love to do that, and there again are times when
it's really great to share a a mirrored experience.
It's also really great to just hold the space for someone to
share. And the body actually feels this
too, on a physical level, when when we feel reflected, we feel
safe and the nervous system registers.
I am not alone in this. And the safety that we feel is
what allows people to open up even more and share the truth.
And you don't need to have the perfect response, you know, you
just need to be willing to hold the space without filling it.
On this note, I do need to share that sometimes as impacts, this
strategy works a little too well.
And we get stuck in conversations with people at
parties or dates or events or whatever that we don't have the
capacity for. And they feel so safe around us
that we get stuck listening. And it's been 45 minutes and we
feel like we're playing their therapist, right?
And it, it's beautiful. But also like we need to have
boundaries around our time and our energy.
And I just want to give you a permission slip that you can
close a conversation with kindness and clarity.
And it's not about rejection. People will feel your honesty
more deeply than if you stayed and then resented being there.
OK, so some examples could be. Thank you so much for sharing
that with me. I really appreciate hearing it.
I'm going to head off now, but I'm really glad that we
connected. And then you walk away like for
real. You could also set a time
boundary upfront if you are meeting someone new and you know
you can set an expectation with someone before it spirals.
If you know that they are a talker and you don't have the
capacity for that, it is OK. You are not expected to hold
space and get to know and create intimacy with every person that
you meet. So you could say something like,
hey, I would love to chat for a few minutes before I go.
That sets the expectation upfront that you have a few
minutes, right? The gift of these tools like
asking better questions and reflective listening and
creating safety is that they help us go deeper when we choose
to. OK.
And the choice is the key. Sometimes the most loving thing
you can do is to not engage and to step away and to keep it
light because your energy is not infinite and it doesn't have to
be, and that is not expected of you.
So please use these practices where it feels aligned and
nourishing and reciprocal because that is when they become
medicine for your community and for yourself instead of a
burden. Please keep this in mind when
using these tools. OK, from my empathetic card to
yours. OK, so moving on.
I want to circle back to the body language conversation for a
second. Wherever you are right now,
actually, let's, let's do this together.
We'll make this interactive. Let's check in with our body.
Most of us don't do this and we definitely should because
research shows that more than half of communication is non
verbal through body language and facial expressions and tone.
So how we stand, how we sit, how we move, all of it is
interpreted by our subconscious to create our understanding of
our environment. Are we safe?
Are we not? Is this person anxious?
Are they happy? Are they sad?
Are they overwhelmed? We can read all of these subtle
cues, but we often forget to check in with our own energies.
So let's do that now. Start by noticing how you are
sitting or standing. Are your arms crossed?
Are your shoulders tight? How's your breath?
Is it shallow? Is it deeper?
Now soften everything and just I'm doing it with you guys.
Just roll your shoulders back and down.
Move your neck gently from side to side.
Let your arms rest loosely at your sides or just on your lap
with your palms up. Uncross your legs if they are
crossed. Take one deep breath in through
your nose and a slow exhale out. Let's do it together.
What do you feel is different? I definitely feel more soft,
more perceptive, more aware, a little bit more gentle.
I didn't say anything. I mean, I guided you through
that, but we didn't talk right. But our nervous system just got
the signal of I am present, I am safe.
Imagine bringing that energy into your next conversation and
how much more grounded and connected you'll feel and how
much safer the other person would feel with you too.
Also, just a little side note here for my empaths.
Just because you notice someone's body language does not
mean it's your job to fix it. OK, so if someone looks
uncomfortable, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
If they are closed off, it doesn't mean that you have to go
open them up. Sometimes people are just in
their own world, You know, they're in their own story,
They're in their own energy. And we're just wired to notice
those subtleties and to scan the room and to sense when someone
is off and to feel the shift. And that sensitivity is a gift.
It's amazing. But we can also start carrying
things that are not ours by constantly absorbing.
So we need to learn how to practice noticing without
absorbing. And that can be as simple as in
your mind saying like I see and I observe and I don't absorb.
And I choose to say grounded in myself or like I witness, but I
don't carry. My energy is my own and it's my
responsibility. Their energy is their own.
It's their responsibility. The best thing I can do is be
fully myself. And if it's reflected back to
me, awesome. If not, it's OK.
It's not my responsibility. Like literally the best thing
you can do is to just show up and be yourself.
That's it, that's all. And if you can show up with
reflective questions and a conscious body language, people
will feel the difference and you don't have to force anything
from there. OK, so moving on to a new
version of this topic, which is in the light of intimacy and
romantic connection, because all of this becomes amplified when
we talk about this. Like in in close relationships,
presence is the real love language.
It builds a a kind of safety that lets the vulnerability
flow. And in romance, we, we think we
often have to impress or perform.
But I think the most magnetic thing you can do is actually
just the the most simple, which is be curious and asking
questions that open doors to connection that lasts longer
than any pick up line. Like when you are in an intimate
connection with a person. Doesn't have to be the first
date. It can be, it doesn't have to
be, but but somewhere in your experiences early on, asking
things like what makes you feel most loved, or what does
intimacy mean to you, or what do you need to feel safe with me?
These open the doors. And in those moments, too,
notice the subtleties. Notice the way their eyes soften
or the rhythm of their breath, or if their body leans toward
you or away from you. Touch is also a form of
listening, you know, putting your hand on someone's heart,
brushing their hair back, even just a lingering hug.
All of these communicate presents.
And I don't think romantic connection is built on grand
gestures. All, all of that, it goes away,
right? It's not lasting, but micro
moments of safety and curiosity and attunement.
It's like a dance. You're not trying to control the
flow of it, but you're staying curious about where it wants to
go next. Remember that we are not trying
to change our romantic partners. It's not our job to change them,
to fix them. They're individual people with
individual personalities and lives and histories long before
we came along. No matter how young you were
when you met your person, or your person you're dating, or
your partner or partners, lovers, whoever, you were not
trying to fix each other. There is nothing to fix to
change. If they're not compatible with
you, they're not compatible with you.
They don't need to be fixed to become compatible.
I see this so often in relationships and it actually
really irks me. I really believe that
relationships are mirrors for us.
And when we're in connection with someone, especially in in
an intimate way, they reflect back to us parts that we can't
always see on our own, like our patterns, our wounds, our gifts,
our shadows. But the purpose of that mirror
isn't so we can fix and change the other person, but so we can
grow ourselves. I think if we enter a
relationship thinking, oh, I'll change them, like I'll just make
them who I need them to be, that's control.
It's not intimacy. And I think if we feel the need
or the urge to fundamentally change our partner, it's a sign
that we are not with the right one.
Personally speaking, that's my own reflection.
But I think that when we commit to using the mirror for growth
and integrity, we can we can see it and say, when I feel
triggered in this relationship, I look at what is being
reflected in me. Or when when you mirror my
light, I let myself shine even brighter.
Or when I experience your vulnerability, I honor it
instead of weaponizing it. And then the relationship
becomes about alchemy, Not perfection, but evolution.
So instead of saying, how can I change my partner, we can say,
what is this showing me about myself?
How can I heal and soften and expand right here in this, in
this moment? And I think that's when intimacy
becomes liberation and when the mirror is being used in such a
profound way. I think this is how
relationships were always designed to be Co created
within. All right, moving along to the
final section of this episode is connecting with kids.
I think this is one of the easiest ways to remember that
the art of connection can be really simple because with kids,
it's never about the perfect words.
You know, a lot of times their vocabulary is a little bit
limited anyway, but it's about presence.
You know, it's about being on their level.
Like recently we went to play mini golf and have a lake day
with Phillip's nephew. And he's just this little kid.
He doesn't speak English. He only speaks German right now
because he's raised in Germany. Hello.
So for example, recently we went to play mini golf and have a
lake day with Phillip's nephew who's 7 and he's a very sweet
little kid. And I was wondering, you know,
how am I going to communicate clearly with them because I
don't really speak German. And I wonder if we're going to
be able to connect. And I remembered just by being
around him that sometimes it's the most simple, you know,
observations that open the door with kids.
You know, sometimes it's a comment about their shoes, how
cool their shoes are. I think that's always a go to
for me with talking to kids or, you know, something that they're
holding. It's a way of saying, hey, I see
you and I'm curious about what matters to you.
Like getting down on their level, you know, not towering
over them, but literally crouching down, making eye
contact, sharing their world for a minute.
I've heard a lot of adults that are like, I don't really know
how to connect with kids, You know, I don't know how to talk
to them. I, you know, it's been so long
since I was a kid, I don't remember.
But kids remind us that connection starts in the body,
in play, in curiosity, not just in the mind with words.
And the other day, we hardly needed translation.
Like we, we spoke in the language of laughter and
gestures and little jokes and pointing out things to each
other. We spoke in energy.
I think whether it's with adults or kids or anybody in between,
the same truth applies. That connection is not about
saying the perfect thing, but about attention and presence and
letting yourself drop into the moment with another soul.
People just want to be noticed, you know?
And kids are the same, Adults are the same, you know, the way
we connect with kids is, is just a blueprint for connecting with
anyone. You notice them, be curious
about their world, mirror their energy, play, let them lead.
Sometimes adults, we may wear more masks at times, you know,
and we've lived a lot more life. But underneath it all, we are
just kids waiting to be noticed and wanting to laugh and wanting
someone to share a moment with us.
So you know, maybe you're sitting across the the dinner
table from your friend's child and you're trying to make a
conversation. Or you're at a dinner party with
friends or a stranger, or you're on the bus and you strike up a
conversation with someone. It's just about presents.
It is about being willing to meet someone where they are.
And when we do that, the conversation stops being surface
level and mundane and it becomes a way that we remember each
other. So I hope that there's something
in this episode that you can take away with you.
Maybe it's a phrase that I used, a question that I asked,
something that you can copy and paste into your real everyday
life. And if you do, and if it works,
I would love to hear about it. Please shoot me an e-mail.
It's linked down below if you want to follow along more with
my behind the scenes of my life with the guided meditations that
I'm creating or you'd like to hear more of my music.
I don't talk about my music that much on here, but I have over
100 plus songs. I create acoustic covers on
Spotify, Apple Music, everywhere the music is streamed.
It's all under my name, Bailey Rushlow.
I would love for you to listen to it.
It's chill, slow simulation, it's a coffee house style
acoustic covers, it's calming to the nervous system, and it's a
beautiful way to also support me by listening to my music because
I get paid every time you do. So thank you for that in
advance. I hope you guys have a wonderful
day and thank you so much for listening.
If something in this episode resonated with you, please share
it with a friend. Give this show a five star
review that goes a long way. Leave a comment and I'll see you
guys next week. Like always, open heart, open
mind. Stay curious.