1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:05,400 Hello and welcome to the Cosmic Nomad. 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,040 I'm your host, Bailey Rushlow, and this is a space for the 3 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:12,920 curious and the heart lead where we explore the human experience 4 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,400 through travel, nature, spirituality and real life 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,840 transformation through beautiful conversations. 6 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:24,320 As I discover my way of living what I call an inspired life, I 7 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,040 share the practices, stories, and perspectives that have 8 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:32,520 helped guide me back to myself. Gooden Wagen. 9 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:38,800 Hello, greetings from Germany and welcome back to the Cosmic 10 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:43,920 Nomad. Today, Episode 18, we are diving 11 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:48,200 into something that is simple and also revolutionary, which is 12 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:53,040 the arts of asking questions and building deeper connection with 13 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:58,960 friends, new people, romance lovers, even strangers by 14 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:04,160 cultivating genuine curiosity and how reflective listening can 15 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:10,600 actually turn just a chat into a moment that could change you or 16 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:14,560 someone else's life. And yeah, because human 17 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:22,160 connection really is medicine for our world in a time when 18 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:28,040 people are starved for presents, we're starved for connection and 19 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:32,560 sometimes we don't even know how to cultivate it anymore in the 20 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:39,000 social media phone driven world. So that's where we're at today. 21 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:45,240 Hi and hello. Hello, I should say I am still 22 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,000 enjoying my time here in Germany. 23 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:53,080 Getting ready to go on a little van adventure with my lover and 24 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:58,680 very excited to just continue soaking up this beautiful land 25 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,320 and my time here. I've been coming to Germany for 26 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:06,760 since 2021 almost every year. But Germany actually holds a 27 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,759 special place in my heart because it was the first country 28 00:02:09,759 --> 00:02:12,680 that I actually remember traveling to as a child. 29 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:18,720 My family had cousins that lived here growing up and when I was 30 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:23,920 4, almost 5, we came here for Christmas and spent the month 31 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:27,960 with my cousins and I. It's some of my earliest 32 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:34,000 memories, but I, I remember going to the Christmas market, I 33 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,480 lost a tooth here that was a big deal. 34 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,400 I had an uncle that threatened to pull it out with a pair of 35 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:45,360 pliers, which terrified me. And it ended up coming out on 36 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,680 its own, which is great. It's a, it's a beautiful land 37 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:52,520 and wonderful people. And my partner and his family 38 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:54,960 are German. So every time we get to come and 39 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:59,960 visit and we're taking it and taking care of so, so much love 40 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:03,800 and intention. And yeah, so that's where I'm at 41 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,560 today. Just always like to give you a 42 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:09,760 visual of of where I'm where I'm at in the world because, you 43 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:15,760 know, this cosmic nomad life has me all over the map and I kind 44 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,240 of love it. That's why, you know, I wanted 45 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:22,960 to start this podcast in general is because I have so many 46 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,240 thoughts and feelings and experiences. 47 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:31,240 And even though I'm only 29, I have lived a lot of life in this 48 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:35,680 short time on the planet feels like a long time on the planet. 49 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:40,800 I'm being honest. But I'm very grateful for it and 50 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:46,040 excited to continue to share what I'm learning on here with 51 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:50,560 all of you. And before we jump in today, I 52 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,280 just want to share that if you have been listening and loving 53 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,280 the Cosmic Nomad podcast and you want to support me in creating 54 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:02,240 more of this work, I would love to invite you to join my Patreon 55 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,000 family. For the price of a cup of coffee 56 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:10,320 each month, you can support my art, this podcast, my life, and 57 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,920 in return be a part of a community where I share behind 58 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:17,040 the scenes things, little extras, personal reflections and 59 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:21,519 also monthly guided meditations. I've received some really lovely 60 00:04:21,519 --> 00:04:25,440 messages from you saying you love listening to my voice, that 61 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:29,040 it feels calming, comforting. And if you would like a little 62 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:33,760 guidance into deeper mindfulness in life, I would love to support 63 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,440 you right back. So it's one of the best ways to 64 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,080 help keep this space alive and healthy and growing. 65 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,720 And it means so much to me to have you there. 66 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:47,080 So you can find a link in the show notes if you feel called to 67 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:50,120 join. And thank you in advance. 68 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:55,800 Let's jump into it. Why do questions matter? 69 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:01,240 Most people are asked what we do, but we're not asked who we 70 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:05,000 are. So when someone you know pauses 71 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:09,440 and really asks us something meaningful, it kind of takes us 72 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,600 aback a little bit. We're like, whoa, like, what do 73 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,200 you, what do you want? What do you need? 74 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,520 Who, who are you? Why are you? 75 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,800 Why are you curious about me? You know, because how often, how 76 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,080 often do you stand in a party with your drink in the corner 77 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,320 with the people? And they say, oh, So what do you 78 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:25,320 do? And how do you know so and so 79 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:30,880 and what's the small talk? But when someone looks you in 80 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:36,440 the eye and listens and reflects to you, it creates intimacy. 81 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:40,800 Intimacy broken down sounds like into me. 82 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:45,680 You see intimacy, right? It says I see you and I care. 83 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:51,560 Especially as empaths, highly sensitive people, neurodivergent 84 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:58,120 folks, we are already attuned to very subtle signals like tone of 85 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:02,680 voice and posture, eye contact, micro expressions. 86 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,000 Most people pick up on them as well. 87 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,480 But we are just a little more attuned. 88 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:15,400 And research shows that about 55% of communication is body 89 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:23,840 language, 38% is tone, and only 7% is words. 90 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,320 So questions aren't just about words. 91 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,920 Communication isn't just about words. 92 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:35,880 It's about the energy that you bring when you ask them. 93 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:40,240 Let's give ourselves a hypothetical situation for this 94 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,320 episode, or for this moment at least. 95 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:47,360 So imagine that we are new at a party. 96 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,720 We've just walked in. Some people are eating, some 97 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,800 people they're talking. Some people have drinks, some 98 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,440 people don't. Some people are playing cards 99 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:58,120 and you find yourself standing with someone and you're both 100 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:02,840 just kind of chilling and you don't know each other, but you 101 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,680 would like to talk, but you don't just want to say, So what 102 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,240 do you do? Before you even open your mouth, 103 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:15,360 your body is already asking questions like, am I safe? 104 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,680 Am I welcome here? Who are these people? 105 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,000 What's the energy? What's the vibe? 106 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:25,720 Or you're you're already scanning the environment, so 107 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:29,560 imagine that you make eye contact with the person near 108 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:32,600 you. There's open body language, 109 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,800 there's a smile that reaches your eyes. 110 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:43,400 These things create safety and someone is, is building trust 111 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,920 with you in that moment. And your own regulation matters. 112 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,240 So when your nervous system is calm, there's is calm. 113 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,120 And when there's is calm, yours can be calm, right? 114 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,880 You know that feeling when someone walks up to you and 115 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,040 they're jittery and they're nervous and they're, they're all 116 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,680 over the place and their eyes are darting all over the room 117 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,960 and they can't look you straight in the eyes and their breath is 118 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,080 fast and you're like, there are a lot of energy right now, 119 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,960 right? What about when someone is calm, 120 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,040 peaceful, their own energy is grounded? 121 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,040 It gives you permission to ground yours too. 122 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:21,080 Sometimes the best icebreaker isn't even a question. 123 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:25,280 It's just a shared observation. I'm, I'm, I'm not gatekeeping 124 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:26,800 anything. You guys, I'm really good at 125 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:27,600 this stuff. OK? 126 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:33,520 I say that not out of pride, but out of reflection from others 127 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,159 where I've been in these situations and I've had people 128 00:08:36,159 --> 00:08:38,880 say to me, I felt kind of uncomfortable. 129 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,240 And then we started talking and I felt more at home or more 130 00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:45,000 myself. And I thought, wow, that's 131 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,600 probably the best compliment I could ever receive is that 132 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,880 someone feels that they can be more themselves around you. 133 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:57,240 So when I share these, it's, it's not out of, oh, I know how 134 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,080 to make friends at parties. Like it's not from this energy. 135 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:04,040 It's from like, Hey, let me share some secrets with you. 136 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:10,120 So shared observation, it could be, wow, this place looks so 137 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:15,360 beautiful right now, right? Or man, the food smells amazing, 138 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,880 right? It's just a shared observation. 139 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,120 Step one. OK. 140 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:23,040 And this is the way of saying, hey, we're, we're here together 141 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:29,160 in this moment, you and I, it's creating a, a collective shared 142 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:33,040 experience where the other person doesn't feel isolated or 143 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:37,800 put on the spot with an instant. So what do you do that feels 144 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:42,000 like you're have to perform for someone else? 145 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:47,040 So I love to ask this question. It is my go to. 146 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:49,720 If you've been friends with me, you've probably heard me ask it 147 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:53,240 before. How do you like to spend your 148 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:57,200 time? It's very simple, but my 149 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:02,480 favorite thing about it is that 98% of the time people don't 150 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:08,440 answer with what they do for a living most of the time because 151 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,520 people don't love what they do for a living. 152 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,280 But if they do love what they do for a living, they usually 153 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,840 answer with that. But again, it's very, very few 154 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,160 and far between. So if you asked my partner 155 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,160 Philip, for example, so how do you like to spend your time? 156 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:25,120 He would probably say scuba diving because that's what he 157 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,160 does for a living and it's his life's passion. 158 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,600 It's his life's work. He loves the ocean. 159 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:33,680 He loves taking people on underwater experiences, facing 160 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:39,480 their fears, expressing themselves, meeting the ocean, 161 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,760 you know, going on life changing trips around the world. 162 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,520 But Philip is an exception, not the rule. 163 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:53,440 Most people look at me and go, how do I like to spend my time? 164 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,840 And they think about it for a second and they go, well, you 165 00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:01,560 know, I, I really like gardening or well, I really love spending 166 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:05,640 time with the beach or I, I love poker, you know, all herbalism 167 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,160 or I don't know, fill in the blank. 168 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,560 I spend time with my kids, you know, I love making music 169 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:13,440 videos. I'm a producer, you know, and 170 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:17,520 this, my, my life's passion is making incredible music like 171 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,480 fill in the blank. And then that opens the doors 172 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:27,320 you're asking, Tell me who you are, not just your job title. 173 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,480 And then from there, the door has been opened so you can 174 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:37,000 spiral even deeper. And as people share things, look 175 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:41,040 at them in the eyes. Keep your body language open. 176 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,840 Instead of keeping your arms crossed over your body and your 177 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,840 body facing away from them, face them with your body, point your 178 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:56,000 feet toward them, open your arms, breathe deeply and smile a 179 00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:01,280 little bit. Soften your face and reflect to 180 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:05,440 them the kind of energy you like to be reflected back to you. 181 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,880 It's called mirroring each other. 182 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:13,480 And as they share, you can ask things or or say things like wow 183 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:17,360 that's so interesting. I would love to learn more about 184 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:21,800 that or how did you get into that or what's, what's the story 185 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:25,560 of how this thing or this person or this place or this experience 186 00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:30,800 came into your world, right? People love to talk about 187 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,920 themselves. They might not always say, oh, I 188 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,240 like to talk about myself, of course, because that sounds 189 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,720 arrogant. But people love to share what 190 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:44,920 they love to share about, and it's a great way to create 191 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:50,160 safety and connection and intimacy with someone by making 192 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:53,480 it about them. And slowly it might circle back 193 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,040 to you. And if they're a good 194 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,080 conversationalist, you know, it will be like a tennis match and 195 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:01,720 you've got the ball going, the conversation going from topic to 196 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:05,680 topic and from person to person. But in that initial 197 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,840 introduction, make it about them. 198 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,760 Don't make it about, well, I need to share about me next. 199 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,280 Like, just listen. Just observe. 200 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:18,920 Come into this conversation with curiosity and watch what happens 201 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:25,080 with no outcome in mind. It's not about collecting data, 202 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:31,360 it's just about observing and creating a space for someone to 203 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,960 feel more of themselves around you. 204 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:39,160 One of the most powerful tools is reflective listening. 205 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:44,000 It's simple but rare. So instead of jumping in with 206 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:48,640 your own story, you just mirror back what you heard from them. 207 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:52,640 I want to talk about this for a moment because reflective 208 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:56,440 listening is one of the most underrated tools that we have 209 00:13:56,440 --> 00:14:01,520 for intimacy. Most of us are taught to listen 210 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:05,920 just long enough to respond. Like we wait our turn to talk 211 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:11,400 and then we jump in with advice. But reflective listening is 212 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:16,320 about listening to understand, not to reply. 213 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,160 I know it sounds really simple, but it really changes 214 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:23,560 everything. So for example, someone shares 215 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,640 something with you and instead of flipping it back on your to 216 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:30,520 your own, instead of flipping it back to your own experience and 217 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:34,240 saying, oh see, well in my case this and this happened. 218 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,840 You don't have to try to be relatable right now. 219 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,960 You don't have to. There's a place in time for 220 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,720 that. But for example, someone says 221 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,000 I've been really stressed at work lately. 222 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:51,080 You could say that sounds heavy. What has been the hardest part? 223 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:58,120 Or how does that make you feel? Or it sounds like you have a lot 224 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:03,360 on your plate. You're not fixing anything, you 225 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,640 are not taking the spotlight and making it about you. 226 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:10,440 As much as we love to do that, and there again are times when 227 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:14,080 it's really great to share a a mirrored experience. 228 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:20,920 It's also really great to just hold the space for someone to 229 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,280 share. And the body actually feels this 230 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:29,520 too, on a physical level, when when we feel reflected, we feel 231 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,120 safe and the nervous system registers. 232 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:36,840 I am not alone in this. And the safety that we feel is 233 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:40,640 what allows people to open up even more and share the truth. 234 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,480 And you don't need to have the perfect response, you know, you 235 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:50,160 just need to be willing to hold the space without filling it. 236 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:59,800 On this note, I do need to share that sometimes as impacts, this 237 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,600 strategy works a little too well. 238 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,680 And we get stuck in conversations with people at 239 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:11,880 parties or dates or events or whatever that we don't have the 240 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:14,960 capacity for. And they feel so safe around us 241 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:20,360 that we get stuck listening. And it's been 45 minutes and we 242 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,120 feel like we're playing their therapist, right? 243 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:27,440 And it, it's beautiful. But also like we need to have 244 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,400 boundaries around our time and our energy. 245 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,080 And I just want to give you a permission slip that you can 246 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,960 close a conversation with kindness and clarity. 247 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:42,000 And it's not about rejection. People will feel your honesty 248 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:46,280 more deeply than if you stayed and then resented being there. 249 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:52,120 OK, so some examples could be. Thank you so much for sharing 250 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:56,400 that with me. I really appreciate hearing it. 251 00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:00,040 I'm going to head off now, but I'm really glad that we 252 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:05,880 connected. And then you walk away like for 253 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:09,599 real. You could also set a time 254 00:17:09,599 --> 00:17:13,400 boundary upfront if you are meeting someone new and you know 255 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,319 you can set an expectation with someone before it spirals. 256 00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:20,560 If you know that they are a talker and you don't have the 257 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:24,200 capacity for that, it is OK. You are not expected to hold 258 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,480 space and get to know and create intimacy with every person that 259 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,680 you meet. So you could say something like, 260 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:33,320 hey, I would love to chat for a few minutes before I go. 261 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,400 That sets the expectation upfront that you have a few 262 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:41,560 minutes, right? The gift of these tools like 263 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,400 asking better questions and reflective listening and 264 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:50,200 creating safety is that they help us go deeper when we choose 265 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,280 to. OK. 266 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:56,320 And the choice is the key. Sometimes the most loving thing 267 00:17:56,320 --> 00:18:02,280 you can do is to not engage and to step away and to keep it 268 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,880 light because your energy is not infinite and it doesn't have to 269 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:08,880 be, and that is not expected of you. 270 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:14,720 So please use these practices where it feels aligned and 271 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:19,880 nourishing and reciprocal because that is when they become 272 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:25,880 medicine for your community and for yourself instead of a 273 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:30,040 burden. Please keep this in mind when 274 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:34,880 using these tools. OK, from my empathetic card to 275 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,680 yours. OK, so moving on. 276 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,520 I want to circle back to the body language conversation for a 277 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:45,120 second. Wherever you are right now, 278 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,920 actually, let's, let's do this together. 279 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:51,040 We'll make this interactive. Let's check in with our body. 280 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:55,720 Most of us don't do this and we definitely should because 281 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,760 research shows that more than half of communication is non 282 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:04,080 verbal through body language and facial expressions and tone. 283 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:08,200 So how we stand, how we sit, how we move, all of it is 284 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:14,560 interpreted by our subconscious to create our understanding of 285 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,120 our environment. Are we safe? 286 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,120 Are we not? Is this person anxious? 287 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,800 Are they happy? Are they sad? 288 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,120 Are they overwhelmed? We can read all of these subtle 289 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:27,240 cues, but we often forget to check in with our own energies. 290 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,360 So let's do that now. Start by noticing how you are 291 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:34,880 sitting or standing. Are your arms crossed? 292 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,720 Are your shoulders tight? How's your breath? 293 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,200 Is it shallow? Is it deeper? 294 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:47,720 Now soften everything and just I'm doing it with you guys. 295 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:52,400 Just roll your shoulders back and down. 296 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,560 Move your neck gently from side to side. 297 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:03,080 Let your arms rest loosely at your sides or just on your lap 298 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:07,280 with your palms up. Uncross your legs if they are 299 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:11,640 crossed. Take one deep breath in through 300 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:15,320 your nose and a slow exhale out. Let's do it together. 301 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:33,480 What do you feel is different? I definitely feel more soft, 302 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:38,120 more perceptive, more aware, a little bit more gentle. 303 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,680 I didn't say anything. I mean, I guided you through 304 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,800 that, but we didn't talk right. But our nervous system just got 305 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:50,800 the signal of I am present, I am safe. 306 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,920 Imagine bringing that energy into your next conversation and 307 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:59,360 how much more grounded and connected you'll feel and how 308 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:04,200 much safer the other person would feel with you too. 309 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,920 Also, just a little side note here for my empaths. 310 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,360 Just because you notice someone's body language does not 311 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:17,160 mean it's your job to fix it. OK, so if someone looks 312 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,400 uncomfortable, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. 313 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:25,120 If they are closed off, it doesn't mean that you have to go 314 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,720 open them up. Sometimes people are just in 315 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,200 their own world, You know, they're in their own story, 316 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:35,840 They're in their own energy. And we're just wired to notice 317 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:39,440 those subtleties and to scan the room and to sense when someone 318 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:44,080 is off and to feel the shift. And that sensitivity is a gift. 319 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:48,920 It's amazing. But we can also start carrying 320 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:53,840 things that are not ours by constantly absorbing. 321 00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:59,160 So we need to learn how to practice noticing without 322 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,320 absorbing. And that can be as simple as in 323 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:08,760 your mind saying like I see and I observe and I don't absorb. 324 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:13,760 And I choose to say grounded in myself or like I witness, but I 325 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,560 don't carry. My energy is my own and it's my 326 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,080 responsibility. Their energy is their own. 327 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:23,000 It's their responsibility. The best thing I can do is be 328 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,920 fully myself. And if it's reflected back to 329 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,320 me, awesome. If not, it's OK. 330 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,840 It's not my responsibility. Like literally the best thing 331 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,760 you can do is to just show up and be yourself. 332 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,360 That's it, that's all. And if you can show up with 333 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:42,720 reflective questions and a conscious body language, people 334 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:47,440 will feel the difference and you don't have to force anything 335 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:52,440 from there. OK, so moving on to a new 336 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:58,520 version of this topic, which is in the light of intimacy and 337 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:02,120 romantic connection, because all of this becomes amplified when 338 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:05,240 we talk about this. Like in in close relationships, 339 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,800 presence is the real love language. 340 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:15,080 It builds a a kind of safety that lets the vulnerability 341 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,280 flow. And in romance, we, we think we 342 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:21,520 often have to impress or perform. 343 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:26,240 But I think the most magnetic thing you can do is actually 344 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:31,360 just the the most simple, which is be curious and asking 345 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:35,920 questions that open doors to connection that lasts longer 346 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:40,760 than any pick up line. Like when you are in an intimate 347 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:43,240 connection with a person. Doesn't have to be the first 348 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,760 date. It can be, it doesn't have to 349 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:50,840 be, but but somewhere in your experiences early on, asking 350 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:57,400 things like what makes you feel most loved, or what does 351 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:04,360 intimacy mean to you, or what do you need to feel safe with me? 352 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:10,200 These open the doors. And in those moments, too, 353 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:14,200 notice the subtleties. Notice the way their eyes soften 354 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,680 or the rhythm of their breath, or if their body leans toward 355 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:21,840 you or away from you. Touch is also a form of 356 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,040 listening, you know, putting your hand on someone's heart, 357 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:28,320 brushing their hair back, even just a lingering hug. 358 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,840 All of these communicate presents. 359 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:36,520 And I don't think romantic connection is built on grand 360 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,560 gestures. All, all of that, it goes away, 361 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:44,480 right? It's not lasting, but micro 362 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:50,280 moments of safety and curiosity and attunement. 363 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:56,760 It's like a dance. You're not trying to control the 364 00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:01,120 flow of it, but you're staying curious about where it wants to 365 00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:04,640 go next. Remember that we are not trying 366 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:10,120 to change our romantic partners. It's not our job to change them, 367 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:13,000 to fix them. They're individual people with 368 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:17,240 individual personalities and lives and histories long before 369 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:20,120 we came along. No matter how young you were 370 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:23,840 when you met your person, or your person you're dating, or 371 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:27,400 your partner or partners, lovers, whoever, you were not 372 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,200 trying to fix each other. There is nothing to fix to 373 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,920 change. If they're not compatible with 374 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,720 you, they're not compatible with you. 375 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:39,320 They don't need to be fixed to become compatible. 376 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:43,280 I see this so often in relationships and it actually 377 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,760 really irks me. I really believe that 378 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,360 relationships are mirrors for us. 379 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:54,120 And when we're in connection with someone, especially in in 380 00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:58,400 an intimate way, they reflect back to us parts that we can't 381 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:05,840 always see on our own, like our patterns, our wounds, our gifts, 382 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:11,200 our shadows. But the purpose of that mirror 383 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:17,080 isn't so we can fix and change the other person, but so we can 384 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:21,400 grow ourselves. I think if we enter a 385 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:25,320 relationship thinking, oh, I'll change them, like I'll just make 386 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:29,920 them who I need them to be, that's control. 387 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:34,400 It's not intimacy. And I think if we feel the need 388 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:40,560 or the urge to fundamentally change our partner, it's a sign 389 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,480 that we are not with the right one. 390 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:47,440 Personally speaking, that's my own reflection. 391 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:53,200 But I think that when we commit to using the mirror for growth 392 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:59,520 and integrity, we can we can see it and say, when I feel 393 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:02,600 triggered in this relationship, I look at what is being 394 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:08,200 reflected in me. Or when when you mirror my 395 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,600 light, I let myself shine even brighter. 396 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:20,920 Or when I experience your vulnerability, I honor it 397 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:29,160 instead of weaponizing it. And then the relationship 398 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:34,480 becomes about alchemy, Not perfection, but evolution. 399 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:41,240 So instead of saying, how can I change my partner, we can say, 400 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,960 what is this showing me about myself? 401 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:50,520 How can I heal and soften and expand right here in this, in 402 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:53,080 this moment? And I think that's when intimacy 403 00:27:53,080 --> 00:28:02,000 becomes liberation and when the mirror is being used in such a 404 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,000 profound way. I think this is how 405 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:08,400 relationships were always designed to be Co created 406 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,520 within. All right, moving along to the 407 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:16,080 final section of this episode is connecting with kids. 408 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:18,880 I think this is one of the easiest ways to remember that 409 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:22,840 the art of connection can be really simple because with kids, 410 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:24,880 it's never about the perfect words. 411 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,040 You know, a lot of times their vocabulary is a little bit 412 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,880 limited anyway, but it's about presence. 413 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:31,840 You know, it's about being on their level. 414 00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:37,040 Like recently we went to play mini golf and have a lake day 415 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:42,120 with Phillip's nephew. And he's just this little kid. 416 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:45,440 He doesn't speak English. He only speaks German right now 417 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,600 because he's raised in Germany. Hello. 418 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:53,160 So for example, recently we went to play mini golf and have a 419 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:58,240 lake day with Phillip's nephew who's 7 and he's a very sweet 420 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:00,920 little kid. And I was wondering, you know, 421 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:03,400 how am I going to communicate clearly with them because I 422 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:06,720 don't really speak German. And I wonder if we're going to 423 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:10,000 be able to connect. And I remembered just by being 424 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:14,080 around him that sometimes it's the most simple, you know, 425 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:16,640 observations that open the door with kids. 426 00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:19,360 You know, sometimes it's a comment about their shoes, how 427 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:21,760 cool their shoes are. I think that's always a go to 428 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:25,880 for me with talking to kids or, you know, something that they're 429 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,760 holding. It's a way of saying, hey, I see 430 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,440 you and I'm curious about what matters to you. 431 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,720 Like getting down on their level, you know, not towering 432 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:36,720 over them, but literally crouching down, making eye 433 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:40,040 contact, sharing their world for a minute. 434 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:42,320 I've heard a lot of adults that are like, I don't really know 435 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:44,320 how to connect with kids, You know, I don't know how to talk 436 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:46,760 to them. I, you know, it's been so long 437 00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:48,520 since I was a kid, I don't remember. 438 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:54,760 But kids remind us that connection starts in the body, 439 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:58,840 in play, in curiosity, not just in the mind with words. 440 00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,880 And the other day, we hardly needed translation. 441 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:06,160 Like we, we spoke in the language of laughter and 442 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:09,520 gestures and little jokes and pointing out things to each 443 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:13,360 other. We spoke in energy. 444 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,720 I think whether it's with adults or kids or anybody in between, 445 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:22,400 the same truth applies. That connection is not about 446 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:27,000 saying the perfect thing, but about attention and presence and 447 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:31,080 letting yourself drop into the moment with another soul. 448 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,040 People just want to be noticed, you know? 449 00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:39,200 And kids are the same, Adults are the same, you know, the way 450 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:42,680 we connect with kids is, is just a blueprint for connecting with 451 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:46,200 anyone. You notice them, be curious 452 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:51,600 about their world, mirror their energy, play, let them lead. 453 00:30:51,600 --> 00:31:00,160 Sometimes adults, we may wear more masks at times, you know, 454 00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:06,320 and we've lived a lot more life. But underneath it all, we are 455 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:12,000 just kids waiting to be noticed and wanting to laugh and wanting 456 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:13,360 someone to share a moment with us. 457 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,280 So you know, maybe you're sitting across the the dinner 458 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:19,200 table from your friend's child and you're trying to make a 459 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:23,440 conversation. Or you're at a dinner party with 460 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:27,000 friends or a stranger, or you're on the bus and you strike up a 461 00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:30,400 conversation with someone. It's just about presents. 462 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:34,040 It is about being willing to meet someone where they are. 463 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:38,440 And when we do that, the conversation stops being surface 464 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:43,960 level and mundane and it becomes a way that we remember each 465 00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:47,240 other. So I hope that there's something 466 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,720 in this episode that you can take away with you. 467 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:53,520 Maybe it's a phrase that I used, a question that I asked, 468 00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:57,440 something that you can copy and paste into your real everyday 469 00:31:57,440 --> 00:32:00,160 life. And if you do, and if it works, 470 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:02,840 I would love to hear about it. Please shoot me an e-mail. 471 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:06,240 It's linked down below if you want to follow along more with 472 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:09,960 my behind the scenes of my life with the guided meditations that 473 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:13,560 I'm creating or you'd like to hear more of my music. 474 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:17,160 I don't talk about my music that much on here, but I have over 475 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:20,920 100 plus songs. I create acoustic covers on 476 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:23,840 Spotify, Apple Music, everywhere the music is streamed. 477 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:25,880 It's all under my name, Bailey Rushlow. 478 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:27,680 I would love for you to listen to it. 479 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:32,760 It's chill, slow simulation, it's a coffee house style 480 00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:37,120 acoustic covers, it's calming to the nervous system, and it's a 481 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:41,800 beautiful way to also support me by listening to my music because 482 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:45,040 I get paid every time you do. So thank you for that in 483 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:47,760 advance. I hope you guys have a wonderful 484 00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:50,320 day and thank you so much for listening. 485 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:54,800 If something in this episode resonated with you, please share 486 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:58,440 it with a friend. Give this show a five star 487 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:03,600 review that goes a long way. Leave a comment and I'll see you 488 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:07,680 guys next week. Like always, open heart, open 489 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:09,400 mind. Stay curious.