1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:05,360 Hello and welcome to the Cosmic Nomad. 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,040 I'm your host, Bailey Rushlow, and this is a space for the 3 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:12,920 curious and the heart lead where we explore the human experience 4 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:16,400 through travel and nature, spirituality and real life 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,800 transformation through beautiful conversations. 6 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:24,320 As I discover my way of living what I call an inspired life, I 7 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,040 share the practices, stories, and perspectives that have 8 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:32,320 helped guide me back to myself. Hello beautiful people. 9 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:36,560 I am so glad that you're here. Honored to have you in this 10 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,960 space and grateful to be sharing it with you. 11 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:48,080 I am in London and I have been so excited to share this episode 12 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,800 with you. For a while I didn't know where 13 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:55,760 exactly I was going to place it in the outline of the episodes, 14 00:00:55,760 --> 00:01:00,840 but lately we've just been kind of going with whatever is coming 15 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:07,120 up to be shared. And today, am I queer enough? 16 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,720 A bisexual journey. I'm going to take you through my 17 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:16,040 journey as a part of the queer community, what that looks like, 18 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,840 how it felt, especially being raised in evangelical 19 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:23,960 Christianity, where being queer was not even not an option, but 20 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,600 not even talked about or discussed. 21 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,680 Like, yeah, we've come a long, long way. 22 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:36,360 So get comfy, pull up a chair, go for a walk with your dog. 23 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:40,280 You know, whatever feels good to you in this moment. 24 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:45,120 This is going to be a really expansive journey to listen to, 25 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:49,440 so I hope you're ready. And yeah, let's get into it. 26 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:56,240 I grew up not knowing that women could be queer. 27 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:00,400 My first introduction to queerness came through the 28 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:04,520 Bible, as it does for many people who are raised in 29 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:08,080 evangelical Christianity. And it was not gentle. 30 00:02:08,199 --> 00:02:11,520 It was Sodom and Gomorrah, you know? 31 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,080 It was the idea that queer people were destined for hell. 32 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:22,160 And because the Bible only talks about men being gay, I didn't 33 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:26,680 even know queer women existed. I had never heard of people 34 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:31,600 being lesbian or bisexual until I was really old. 35 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:37,880 Like, I don't know, late teens, like 1819. 36 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:41,280 I mean, it was old and it felt like queerness was something 37 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:42,880 really just, it was just underground. 38 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:46,520 Like it was something kind of shameful and, and according to 39 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,680 my conditioning, it was a choice. 40 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,960 It was a sin. And you know, it's, it's just 41 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:58,240 like stealing or, or cheating or adultery or being queer, right? 42 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,960 Like it was all a choice. It was all a sin. 43 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,960 It was all frowned upon and it was all something that you would 44 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:08,360 be sent to hell for. It's crazy looking back, because 45 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:14,280 I had so much judgement in my heart, like deeply rooted, 46 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:19,640 conditioned judgement toward people who are queer, because to 47 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:24,640 make an exception for queerness would have meant questioning 48 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:29,240 everything that I believed about sin, about Scripture, and about 49 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:34,200 the character of the God that I was raised believing in. 50 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:39,000 And I remember seeing people growing up who were like a 51 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:44,160 little bit more openly queer. Maybe they dressed colorful. 52 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,400 Maybe they were just a little more flamboyant. 53 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,480 Maybe they're a little more, I don't know, whatever you, you 54 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,640 just looked at them and you're like, there's something 55 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:54,400 different about you, you know? And I remember feeling that 56 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:58,760 judgement of like, you're choosing this sinful life. 57 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:04,520 And it just like, it crushes me to remember that judgement. 58 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,640 But also I, I don't know how I could have felt any other way 59 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,840 about it, you know? And my parents weren't 60 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,880 homophobic. They weren't teaching me to, 61 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:20,320 like, hate the gays at all, but it was simply a societal 62 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,640 conditioning and a religious conditioning that was like, 63 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:28,240 they're living in sin and that was all that I knew about it. 64 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:36,080 And the hypocrisy, which just runs rampant through evangelical 65 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,760 culture. And I've mentioned this in other 66 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:43,720 episodes like I was homeschooled birth through high school 67 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:47,120 graduation. I was raised in and out of 68 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,440 church, in and out of homeschool communities. 69 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,560 And, and I'm really, I'm grateful for a lot of thought. 70 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,400 There was some beautiful things that came from it. 71 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,960 Truly. There were also a lot of things 72 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:03,040 that were not so beautiful and that kept me very much 73 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:07,000 conditioned and indoctrinated in a certain way of being and 74 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,000 believing and thinking and being curious about the world. 75 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,120 And there were also things that were not so great that I have 76 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:20,640 had to deconstruct as an adult. And a lot of them involved the 77 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:24,360 control around being indoctrinated into a religious 78 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:29,120 system from a young age and having a lot of your curiosity 79 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:35,840 stifled by that system and having so little compassion for 80 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:38,240 other people in other walks of life. 81 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:43,160 And it's not even that I was outwardly showing them my 82 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:46,960 judgement. It was an internal, holier than 83 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:52,960 thou kind of moment. I remember when the TV show 84 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:57,760 Modern Family first came out and the way that it was talked about 85 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:01,680 in Christian circles because some of the main members of the 86 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:06,800 cast are openly gay on the show. And it was one of the first 87 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:12,800 times that a gay family with with two dads had ever been seen 88 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:16,000 on TV before. Like it had been a couple here 89 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,640 and there, like there's a lesbian relationship and friends 90 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,880 that you see a little bit, which was revolutionary. 91 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:30,160 It was one of the first on TV, you know, and I just remember a 92 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:34,320 lot of the Christian circles being like, this show is trash. 93 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,640 Don't watch it. It is normalizing and 94 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:40,160 celebrating homosexuality. And I, I had never seen it, but 95 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,400 I was like, oh, damn, like that sounds really evil. 96 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,160 And like, this is the state of the world that we're in, you 97 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,600 know, that this is becoming normalized. 98 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:52,880 I was a little bit curious to, to watch it, but I, I didn't, of 99 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:56,760 course, until many years later. It's actually one of my favorite 100 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:01,400 shows. What really did it for me was 101 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:08,040 watching Glee. I think I was 21 maybe. 102 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:16,440 And I watched it in secret late at night on my phone because I 103 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:21,120 knew that my family wouldn't approve of me watching this, you 104 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:27,200 know, secular TV show about choir kids and musical theater. 105 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:31,040 But there was some really profound coming out stories. 106 00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:35,920 If you've seen the show, then you remember when Santana's 107 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:40,320 character comes out. And that shook me. 108 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:45,160 That was the first time I had ever seen a character in a movie 109 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:49,680 or TV or in real life, like anywhere, come out like that. 110 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:56,040 And it, it's like it lit a fire within me and I, I couldn't name 111 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,200 it. I just felt like I was 112 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:02,240 witnessing a part of myself that I didn't know existed. 113 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:09,000 And it scared me and it made me curious. 114 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:20,120 And it was like overnight I realized I don't think I'm just 115 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:23,840 straight. And I've always just been 116 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:27,600 straight. And in my mind, that's the only 117 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:35,400 thing I'm allowed to be. And now I have doubts and I have 118 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,640 questions and I feel a little bit concerned and a little bit 119 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,679 thrilled and I have no idea what this means for me. 120 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:47,040 And I just kind of let it simmer. 121 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:51,240 I didn't do anything. I didn't tell anyone, I just 122 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:54,600 wanted to sit with it. And I did. 123 00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:01,880 And during that time, more and more representation started 124 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:06,040 showing up online, more people started sharing their stories, 125 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:13,440 and the conditioning in my mind started to loosen its grasp a 126 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:17,320 little bit. And I started to notice this 127 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,080 like quiet fascination, like a hum in the background. 128 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:28,160 I had no language for it, no examples, no one in my world who 129 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:32,040 was openly queer except for this one guy that worked in our 130 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:36,640 little flower shop in our little southern town, and my one friend 131 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:41,280 that had came out to me that had, you know, a year before, 132 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:47,400 made me feel so sad. And now I didn't feel sad about 133 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:48,840 it at all. In fact, I felt a little bit 134 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:53,000 embarrassed that I had felt sad and that I couldn't have shown 135 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:56,160 up for my friends more authentically. 136 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:05,200 And I remember even then, you know, that my, my kindness 137 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:09,320 toward queer folks, like, even with all my conditioning, even 138 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,240 with all my indoctrination, I was never mean to anyone queer. 139 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,440 You know, I was never rude. I was never like calling people 140 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,880 out or making fun of them or anything like that. 141 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:24,240 But in my heart I carried this subconscious agenda like maybe I 142 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:27,320 could win them over to Jesus If I'm really nice to them, you're 143 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,720 like, maybe I can make them see that like Jesus loves them and 144 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:35,000 I'll guide them on the right path and maybe they'll like not 145 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:40,800 be gay eventually. I just, I didn't understand 146 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:45,480 anything and I was holding on to my beliefs so hard because they 147 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,200 did just they felt like life or death. 148 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:52,080 There's a moment actually from my childhood that I remembered a 149 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:56,960 few years ago. I was maybe like 9 or 10 and I 150 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:03,120 had this little Playhouse in my backyard and I had a friend over 151 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,120 and I remember that we would literally just kiss behind my 152 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:14,440 Playhouse and I did not know what sex was. 153 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:18,160 I had never seen porn. No one had ever had the talk 154 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:22,240 with me. I had no reference for anything 155 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:28,080 other than just following what felt good and what was natural 156 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:33,080 in my body. And somehow, without even having 157 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:39,640 the language for it, there was already this quiet shame meter 158 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:45,000 in my body. Like I knew not to tell anyone. 159 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,800 I knew not to tell my parents or my friends. 160 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:51,840 It didn't feel wrong in my body. Like to me it felt right, it 161 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:56,560 felt good, but it felt like it would be wrong out loud. 162 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:02,240 And that memory stayed locked away like a little time capsule 163 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:07,920 in me, forgotten, until many years later when I started 164 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:12,600 exploring my queerness and it hit me, Oh my God, this has 165 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:17,760 always been here. I just didn't know how to 166 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:22,120 recognize it. And for so long, I'm being queer 167 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:25,840 just felt like the thing that only existed in faraway places, 168 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,480 like other people, like celebrities would come out in 169 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,080 magazines or like Glee, you know? 170 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,680 But not here, not not in my family, not in me. 171 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,840 That wasn't the way. And I carried so much judgement. 172 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:45,320 And in the process of seeing that judgement, recognizing it, 173 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:50,600 calling it out in myself, I began to see my hypocrisy and my 174 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:56,720 judgement as intrigue, curiosity, maybe a little bit of 175 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:02,560 jealousy, even part of me that longed for that kind of freedom. 176 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:08,520 And I think that is the medicine of jealousy, is that it shows us 177 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:14,920 something in us that maybe we want to experience or to explore 178 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,360 and maybe we don't feel like we can. 179 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:24,760 And we then project judgement toward the people who do 180 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:31,040 experience it, judgement toward the people who we do see 181 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:35,400 embodying certain things. And it's funny to be on this 182 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:40,160 journey when you start looking back as most queer folks do. 183 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,680 At some point, you go, where was my queer awakening? 184 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:49,200 You know, and I think it was Santana and Glee for me, for 185 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,960 sure. But looking back even further, I 186 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:57,720 think, wow, I had this strange mix of fascination and jealousy 187 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:02,920 toward girls a lot of my life. Like I used to feel this twinge 188 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,160 when I saw certain girls, like the way they laughed, the way 189 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,760 they moved, the way their hair fell. 190 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,880 I'd be like, why do I want to be her? 191 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,280 Why does she make me feel this way? 192 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,320 But the truth was I, I didn't want to be her. 193 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,960 I just, I wanted to be close to her. 194 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,280 I wanted her to see me. I want her to like me and took 195 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,800 me years to understand that what I was calling jealousy was 196 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:31,400 actually attraction. And I realized, Oh my God, I 197 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:35,720 felt like I was turning a light on in the room that I didn't 198 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:42,480 even know was off. Trying on the word bisexual was 199 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:47,640 really weird for me. I felt like an imposter. 200 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:51,200 I felt like I don't know if I can call myself that because 201 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,760 I've never had any queer experiences. 202 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:58,960 And it feels unfair to people who have been queer and, and, 203 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,200 and fought for their rights and been through bullying and been 204 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,360 through all these crazy experiences and journeys and 205 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,600 been excommunicated from their families. 206 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,040 And like, I was like, I don't have any of that. 207 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:15,640 So do I even have the right to consider myself gay? 208 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,840 Like, and then what does that mean for me? 209 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,320 And I don't know. It was, it was awkward 210 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,720 internally. Of course, no one in my external 211 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,240 world knew this. My, my parents, my friends, no 212 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,120 one. I think I, I remember telling 213 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:34,720 one friend like, hey, I actually think I am attracted to women. 214 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,000 And she was like, yeah, I kind of guessed. 215 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:43,000 I was like, excuse me, She's like, I just, I just kind of 216 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,800 felt it. I was like, wait, it was obvious 217 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,160 to you. She's like, well, I just know 218 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,400 you really well. And I just felt like, that makes 219 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,440 sense for you. And I remember being stunned. 220 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,120 I was like, wait, how did you know? 221 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:02,200 And I didn't even know. And I remember coming out to my 222 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,080 dad. I walked in the kitchen and I 223 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:09,440 literally blurted out, I think I'm attracted to men and women. 224 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:15,760 I just thought you should know. And he looked at me totally 225 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,800 unfazed, and he was like, yeah, well, women are beautiful. 226 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,080 I mean, I'm attracted to them, too. 227 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:27,360 And I was like, no, no, like, sexually I'm attracted to women. 228 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,320 Like, I don't just think women are beautiful. 229 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:37,080 I'm bisexual. And he like paused and blinked 230 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:43,920 and was like, oh OK cool I guess that's interesting. 231 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,000 He didn't know what to say. He handled it well. 232 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,080 Poor, poor dad. I really just kind of sprung it 233 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:54,000 on him. I did not give him a second to 234 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,560 process. I literally just left the room. 235 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:04,880 I'm really lucky that my parents never let this be an issue for 236 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:09,640 them in our relationship because I have many friends in my life 237 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,920 where that is absolutely not the case. 238 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:16,440 But I remember telling my mom that I was bi a few years later 239 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:22,839 and she was like, oh, but you're but you're dating a man. 240 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:26,960 I was like, yeah, she's like, how does that work? 241 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:32,600 Like if you're if you're bi? And I was like, if a nun 242 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:40,320 realized that she was a lesbian, would she not be a lesbian 243 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,880 because she had never had sex before? 244 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:50,200 Like, do you have to have had sex with someone to know that 245 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:55,080 that's your preference? Or do you just know who told you 246 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:59,640 that you were straight? And it fascinates me because 247 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:04,440 there's this thing and you find it in straight and queer spaces, 248 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:08,760 this unspoken doubt about bisexuality. 249 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:13,360 In a straight space, people assume that you are just 250 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,680 experimenting, that your sexuality is defined by the 251 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,560 gender of your current partner. Like if you're with a man, 252 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,720 you're kind of straight now, you know, And if you're with a 253 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:27,120 woman, you have quote, switched teams, right? 254 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:36,240 And your identity is only real if it's visible and only valid 255 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:41,800 if it's active. And then in the queer space, 256 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:46,800 there's fear too, especially in the lesbian community of dating 257 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,360 bisexual women, because for so many, bisexuality has been used 258 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:54,080 as this mask for experimentation. 259 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,920 Like, people have been hurt by women who didn't know for sure 260 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,640 if they were queer, and then they left relationships after 261 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,640 realizing that they weren't actually queer. 262 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:07,720 And I understand that fear. Like, I have so much compassion 263 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:12,360 for that. And it creates this tension 264 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,320 where you start asking yourself, like, am I queer enough? 265 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,800 Like, will anyone take me seriously? 266 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:22,560 Do I even belong here? And there's this feeling of not 267 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:27,760 belonging, like being too queer for straight spaces and not 268 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:31,880 queer enough for queer spaces. And it's like a really weird 269 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:36,880 place to sit. But for anyone listening that 270 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:41,640 needs a little encouragement, queerness is not just about who 271 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,760 you date or how visible it is to others. 272 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,040 It's actually about how you see the world. 273 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:54,880 And what changed everything for me was finding community. 274 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,160 And it did not happen overnight. At first I tried looking for 275 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:03,720 like meetups or events or pride stuff, you know, anything that 276 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,960 would just remind me that I wasn't alone. 277 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,920 But where I was living there really wasn't much. 278 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:13,440 So I literally posted on a local Facebook group in my area. 279 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:19,400 Hi, are there any queer events happening anytime soon? 280 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:23,240 And people responded like no there's not really anything but 281 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,720 if there were something it would be really cool. 282 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:31,080 We would love to come. I was like what if I started my 283 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:34,880 own thing? So I made a post on a local 284 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:40,280 Facebook group and I said hi, I'm Bailey, I am looking for 285 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:44,560 queer friends and community and I would love to suggest that we 286 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:49,000 all meet up sometime this week, maybe on Sunday for a brunch. 287 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,360 Here's the link to a WhatsApp group who wants to come post. 288 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,480 And I was like like threw my phone across the room was like 289 00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:02,080 OK it's done. And a few days later, 10 women 290 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:07,200 showed up to our first queer brunch, and we sat in a circle 291 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:11,040 and we ate food and we shared our stories and the tender parts 292 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:16,920 of our journey. And over time, that group became 293 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:22,120 like a little family for me. We have movie nights, we go 294 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,760 swimming in the ocean, we have picnics and game nights, and we 295 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,960 celebrate each other's breakthroughs and heart breaks 296 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:35,920 and we laugh all the time. And queerness stopped being 297 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:40,600 something that I had to prove, and it started becoming a lens 298 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:45,240 through which I see the world. For me, it's colorful, it's 299 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,320 soft, it's radical, it's expansive. 300 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:52,360 It's about rejecting the boxes and the binaries and the lies 301 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:56,040 that say we're only worthy if we fit neatly into categories. 302 00:21:56,040 --> 00:22:03,560 And heteronormativity and queerness is actually really 303 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:07,440 ancient. Like long before colonization 304 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,720 there were people all over the world living outside rigid 305 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:17,120 gender and sexuality norms. It is not a modern trend. 306 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,080 It is not something people invented because of social media 307 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,760 or because this generation is confused. 308 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,840 It is memory. It has been here for as long as 309 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:31,800 humans have existed, and it's woven into cultures and 310 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:37,560 communities all over the world. And people in these cultures 311 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:40,000 were not hidden, they were not shamed. 312 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:45,240 They were often celebrated and revered, even seen as healers 313 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:50,920 and spiritual guides. For example, in Turtle Island or 314 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:57,160 so-called America, there were two spirit people, individuals 315 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,080 who embodied both masculine and feminine energies. 316 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:08,240 They often held special roles as artists and mediators and 317 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:15,200 shamans, and the word to spirit was created in in the 90s to 318 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:19,320 describe these identities. But the presence of these people 319 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:24,080 goes back thousands of years. We see a similar story across 320 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:28,960 South Asia and ancient Mesopotamia, where priests and 321 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,920 priestesses served in the temples regardless of gender 322 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:38,040 norms. Even in Greece and Rome, same 323 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,880 sex love was not seen as unnatural. 324 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,840 It was documented. It was celebrated in poetry, it 325 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,400 was normalized in many relationships. 326 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:52,960 And then we ask ourselves, how the fuck do we get to where we 327 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:58,240 are now, where people who are queer are being targeted, 328 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:05,600 bullied, unalived all over the world, where in many cultures 329 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,600 and countries it's not even legal. 330 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,080 You can be put in jail for being gay. 331 00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:16,120 And it brings us full circle all back to colonization, right? 332 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,960 It brought with it a very specific idea of gender 333 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,720 sexuality, and it spread heteronormativity. 334 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:29,880 It erased the fluid and expansive ways that humans have 335 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:35,800 existed for millennia, and it tied queerness to shame and to 336 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,640 sin. When we talk about reclaiming 337 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:45,560 our queerness today, it is not just a personal act. 338 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:52,400 It is an ancestral remembering and it's not unnatural. 339 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:57,040 It's nature itself. It's diverse, it's adaptive, 340 00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:01,680 it's infinite. It's wildflowers growing where 341 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:05,640 they're not supposed to quote supposed to. 342 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:10,480 It's rivers carving new paths through the land. 343 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:16,480 There's an amazing book called Queer Magic by Tomas Prower, and 344 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:22,120 there's a quote that says the witches burned were often the 345 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:26,840 queer ones, the wild women, the men in dresses, the gender 346 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:31,160 nonconforming healers. The witch hunts weren't just 347 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:35,800 about fear of magic, they were about enforcing conformity. 348 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,200 And that stuck with me, because when you zoom out, you realize 349 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:46,720 that the shame, the suppression, the erasure, it didn't begin 350 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,520 with us here today, in this system. 351 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:54,200 It began with colonization. It began with rigid religion, 352 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:59,880 with systems that feared anything too free or too alive. 353 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:08,920 But we survived anyway, in secret, in art, in the quiet 354 00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:12,800 tenderness between people who loved, in the ways the world 355 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:18,720 didn't understand. But we've always been here, and 356 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,280 queerness isn't just about who you love. 357 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,160 It's about how you see the world. 358 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:29,760 It's about community. When queerness stopped being 359 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:34,160 this thing, I had to prove it started feeling like a lens, 360 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:41,760 like I was putting on glasses that showed me beauty in places 361 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:47,920 I had never noticed before and became an active rebellion and 362 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,760 an act of self love and an act of joy. 363 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,640 There's a another quote from Queer Magic, the book that I 364 00:26:56,960 --> 00:27:02,240 really recommend and love that says queerness is a sacred act 365 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:06,520 of resistance against systems that want us smaller, quieter, 366 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:11,040 easier to manage, and every queer joy is a spell of 367 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:16,480 liberation. But the first time that I kissed 368 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:22,160 a woman as an adult, that was its own kind of spell. 369 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:27,800 Oh my God. I remember being really nervous, 370 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:32,480 but also I knew this is something that I want. 371 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:37,600 Like this is something that I don't believe is wrong anymore. 372 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:41,280 I remember that I had just started dating women a few 373 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:45,120 months before and I was a little bit nervous, like getting on the 374 00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:48,120 apps. And I just, I was really scared 375 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:54,680 that people would think that I was not really by like, I was 376 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,840 just trying to use them to experiment or explore. 377 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,280 And that's really not what my heart was at all. 378 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,040 But I was kind of scared of that perception because it's such a 379 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:08,280 common fear, you know, and I've been trying to learn, like the 380 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:12,640 delicate balance of coming from only dating men into 381 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:17,400 experiencing dating and relationships and romance with 382 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:19,360 women. What's different? 383 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,480 How are the gender roles like, who pays for the check? 384 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:25,920 Who opens the door? Like, you know, all of the 385 00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:30,800 little nuances of physical touch and flirting. 386 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:34,440 And I just, it was an entirely new world for me. 387 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:43,240 And it was tender in ways that I hadn't expected and really 388 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:46,680 affirming and in ways I didn't know that I needed. 389 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:52,000 And I found myself still wrestling with the question of 390 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:57,160 like, am I queer enough? I don't think I'm really visibly 391 00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:59,000 queer. And I had never had 392 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:02,080 relationships with women before. And I typically had been in 393 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,160 straight passing relationships with men. 394 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:07,520 And I just had so many voices in my head being like, you're not 395 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:09,880 really part of this community. Like you don't really belong 396 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:11,400 here. You're just curious or like, 397 00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,920 it's too late to claim this part of yourself. 398 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:19,840 You know, I remember there were moments with other queer people, 399 00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:22,600 specifically this this one lesbian, I remember asking me. 400 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,200 She was like, oh, have you ever been with in relationships with 401 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,120 women? And I was like, no. 402 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:33,120 And her face kind of like softened into something polite, 403 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:35,800 but like, distant and uninterested. 404 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:38,200 And she was just a friend. Like, we weren't interested in 405 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:40,680 each other or anything. But I felt that in my chest. 406 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,760 And I felt like, oh, like I failed some kind of test. 407 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:48,800 Like somehow my queerness wasn't real, quote real until someone 408 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:54,400 else validated it. And what I know now is that you 409 00:29:54,400 --> 00:30:00,040 do not have to prove to others, even to yourself, because it's 410 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:02,040 not defined by your relationships or your 411 00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:05,280 experiences or your visibility. Like if you feel it in your 412 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:11,120 bones and in your body, it's real and it's enough and you're 413 00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:13,480 enough. You've always been enough. 414 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:15,760 It's not something you have to earn either. 415 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:21,600 OK, so back to the story. I have been On this date with 416 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:26,000 this wonderful woman. She was Irish and we just had 417 00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,600 the best time. Like we had the most wonderful 418 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:32,880 conversations. It was easy, it was flowing and 419 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:38,480 I knew like I want to kiss her. And we were on her rooftop pool 420 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,560 talking and just, like, swimming, having a nice time. 421 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:42,840 And there was no one else up there. 422 00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:48,040 And we were really close. And she, like, pulled me in. 423 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:52,640 And I think she asked, like, can I kiss you? 424 00:30:53,240 --> 00:31:00,080 And I was like, yeah. And that kiss was so magnetic. 425 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:05,360 I felt, like, lightning through my entire body. 426 00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:10,400 And I knew in that moment everything that I have known 427 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:12,920 about myself that I've been wondering and curious and 428 00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:17,600 thinking about myself and my role in this whole community. 429 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:23,240 Not that I needed the validation of being like, OK, yes, I am 430 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:27,840 actually attracted to women. But in that moment I remember 431 00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:33,920 feeling like, Oh no, it was it's all real and it's all valid. 432 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:38,840 And it, it did give me this sense of affirmation in 433 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:42,320 everything I had been wondering and curious about for so long. 434 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:50,040 And I kissed, changed my life. I'll forever be so grateful for 435 00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:55,880 that, and for the incredible and intelligent and powerful and 436 00:31:55,880 --> 00:32:00,120 beautiful women that I have had the opportunity to know and 437 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:06,680 experience and date since then has been so transformative. 438 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:12,560 That memory will be so alive and vibrant in my mind forever, as 439 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:17,960 will the first time that I ever held hands with someone or took 440 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:21,400 a nap with someone, literally just slept next to each other. 441 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:28,000 And like the peace and quiet and safety that I felt in my body 442 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:34,840 and dying laughing with a woman on on dates or whatever. 443 00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:37,400 And you're just like, Oh my God, this is everything. 444 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:42,720 And of course, the first time that you, you know, ever have 445 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:47,880 sex and ever in an intimate space with another person of the 446 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:52,640 same gender is like, so transformative. 447 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:57,680 Opened my heart and my mind, my body in ways that have changed 448 00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,680 me forever. I actually wrote a poem about 449 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,920 all of this that I'm going to read at the end of this episode. 450 00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:11,960 So stay tuned Until then. Right now in the world, it feels 451 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:16,960 very heavy and scary for so many people, and I think about how 452 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:23,160 sacred it is to just be here. To exist, to love, to laugh, to 453 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:26,040 hold hands in public, to be seen. 454 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:31,000 Right now, for so many people around the world, simply 455 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:37,960 existing isn't safe. 65 countries in the world still 456 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:42,360 criminalize same sex relationships, and in 12 of 457 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:45,800 those being queer can even mean a death sentence. 458 00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:50,120 And even in countries where queer relationships are 459 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:56,000 technically legal but face threats like homophobia and 460 00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:59,240 bullying. There are some amazing ways that 461 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:02,400 we can support queer lives and community. 462 00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:08,120 Like buying from queer owned businesses and artists because 463 00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:12,360 their work is resistance to supporting creators on platforms 464 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:16,840 like Patreon, Instagram, sharing queer stories, books, films, 465 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:20,800 music, podcasts to amplify their voices. 466 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:25,639 Also don't hesitate to call out homophobic or transphobic 467 00:34:25,639 --> 00:34:29,520 comments even in jokes like it's not funny. 468 00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:33,920 And vote for policies and leaders that protect the rights 469 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,760 of queer folks. Something small you can do that 470 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,480 often goes a long ways. Creating visible safety, like 471 00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:46,280 you have a sticker or or a sign in your shop window that signals 472 00:34:46,679 --> 00:34:51,040 inclusion and acceptance, can actually go a long way and make 473 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:53,360 a bigger difference than you think. 474 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:57,480 Supporting queer people isn't just about showing up in big 475 00:34:57,480 --> 00:35:00,200 ways. It's also in the small, quiet 476 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:04,640 ones too, like speaking up in conversations when harmful 477 00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:09,360 things are said, creating space where people don't have to 478 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:14,000 perform or explain their existence using people's correct 479 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,600 pronouns. If you're part of this 480 00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:23,440 community, remember please that your joy is resistance, that 481 00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:27,760 your softness is power, and that you do not have to earn your 482 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:30,200 place here because you already belong. 483 00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:36,720 Maybe you've felt the weight of the shame, maybe you're just 484 00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:40,160 trying to figure it all out. Whatever it looks like, however 485 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:43,000 it feels in your body, it's enough. 486 00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:51,480 And there is time for things to develop and to unfold, and you 487 00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:57,240 don't have to rush anything. You know everything will unfold 488 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:00,880 and it's perfect timing and there's nothing for you to 489 00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:04,360 prove. So just continue working on your 490 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:08,280 relationship with yourself and figuring out what it is that 491 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:13,160 makes you excited in this life, What it is that turns your mind 492 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:18,240 on, what it is that makes you feel alive. 493 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:24,680 So I would love to invite you to ponder these questions. 494 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:29,520 What part of myself have I hidden away because the world 495 00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:35,400 told me to? What would it mean to show up as 496 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:40,720 more of myself today, this week, this year? 497 00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:44,880 How can I hold space for others to do the same? 498 00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:49,320 You know, as I reflect on my own journey growing up believing 499 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:55,680 that queerness was wrong and sinful and even dangerous, it 500 00:36:55,680 --> 00:37:01,280 makes me think about how many of us are just living inside of 501 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:04,720 stories We didn't write stories We inherited. 502 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:13,280 Stories that taught us to fear difference, to shrink our own 503 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:17,520 truth, to believe that there's only one right way to love or to 504 00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:23,160 live or to exist. But who benefits when we believe 505 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:27,440 those stories, when we don't question them, when we don't 506 00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:30,680 trust ourselves enough to explore what's true for us 507 00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:34,000 individually? I think about this all the time, 508 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:38,160 how much my own liberation came from learning to hold 509 00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:43,280 discernment, to question the systems and the narratives, not 510 00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:47,800 just from a place of rebellion for rebellion's sake, but from a 511 00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:52,400 place of curiosity. What if they were wrong about 512 00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:55,520 being queer? What else might they be wrong 513 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:59,160 about? And what opens up in our lives 514 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:02,680 when we stop outsourcing our truth to systems that were never 515 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:07,320 built for us? So maybe this is an invitation 516 00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:11,480 to yourself to ask, what have I been taught about love and I 517 00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:15,160 didn't and the LGBT plus community? 518 00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:17,800 What actually feels true in my body? 519 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:23,840 What would it mean to let others live as if they are enough? 520 00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:32,240 The world wants us to be small and compliant, but your joy and 521 00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:38,440 your curiosity and your courage to question things is actually a 522 00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:42,040 medicine. It's how we build a more free 523 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:46,920 world. So this poem is for every part 524 00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:49,760 of you that is learning to trust yourself again. 525 00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:57,000 Her hair smelled like coconut and I was intoxicated from the 526 00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:01,640 first moment I hugged her. Crystal blue eyes that sparkled 527 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:07,320 like the sea that we sat next to, laughing, talking, tracing 528 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:09,720 each other's tattoos with sandy fingertips. 529 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:16,160 She spoke like a poem, half finished, all mystery and 530 00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:20,480 warmth, like the universe had kissed her cheek and told her to 531 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:23,400 go gently ruin people in the best way. 532 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:28,080 We ate dinner twice because we couldn't stop telling each other 533 00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:31,440 stories. Her hand brushed mine as we 534 00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:35,000 walked and I felt electricity go through my body like a 535 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:40,440 Technicolor psychedelic wave. After dinner, we wandered to the 536 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:45,760 park barefoot and laid ourselves across the grass like offerings 537 00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:49,880 to the stars. The city pulsed somewhere around 538 00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,240 us. We were in our own world, 539 00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:56,360 trading past life stories like secrets we'd only just 540 00:39:56,360 --> 00:40:00,040 remembered. Her fingers grazed my leg mid 541 00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:05,200 sentence and I forgot every language except the one where 542 00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:09,240 mouths became prayers and kisses mean. 543 00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:14,200 I remember you. Falling asleep next to her is 544 00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:17,560 everything. Her fingers intertwine with mine 545 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:22,680 even when she's asleep, and I think to myself, I can't believe 546 00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:26,440 I spent my life thinking this was a sin. 547 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:32,240 I watch her breathing and I realise this is not forbidden, 548 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:37,720 this is holy. And maybe God was never angry, 549 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:43,440 just misquoted. And maybe God was just a girl 550 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:48,720 after all and love with all she created and that was the 551 00:40:48,720 --> 00:40:52,600 original sin. And if loving her was my fall 552 00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:59,560 from grace, then I'd gladly fall again and again because in her 553 00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:04,440 arms I didn't lose heaven, I remembered it. 554 00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:09,920 Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. 555 00:41:10,920 --> 00:41:16,960 If you enjoyed this and you want to hear more queer stories, send 556 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:19,680 me a message. I always love hearing from you. 557 00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:24,040 Thank you for your support, for your encouragement. 558 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:28,720 I'm so grateful to those of you who listen and and write to me. 559 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:31,200 It makes me feel like we're all in this together. 560 00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:35,160 And if you're interested in going deeper in this journey 561 00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:40,360 with me, I have launched my Patreon and I would love to see 562 00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:44,120 you over there where I have behind the scenes updates, 563 00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:49,600 things that are going on in my life, poems, voice notes and 564 00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:52,800 monthly meditations. I'm doing one meditation per 565 00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:57,240 month, all centered around a different theme because they're 566 00:41:57,240 --> 00:42:02,200 really empowering, impactful, and yours to download and to 567 00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:04,720 keep forever. So if you're in a place of 568 00:42:04,720 --> 00:42:09,760 desiring a little more stillness, mental clarity, quiet 569 00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:14,040 in the inner landscape of your life, I would be honored if you 570 00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:19,000 check out the meditations I have available on Patreon and would 571 00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:22,040 love your support there to be able to keep the podcast going. 572 00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:27,480 I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day and until next time, 573 00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:33,760 open heart, open mind, stay carries and queer.